THE ADVENTURES OF
ANTHONY VARNISH.
VOL. II.
THE ADVENTURES OF
ANTHONY VARNISH;
OR, A PEEP AT THE MANNERS OF SOCIETY. BY AN ADEPT.
Parva res est voluptatum in vitâ, prae quam quod molestum est.
IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL. II.
LONDON: PRINTED FOR WILLIAM LANE, LEADENHALL-STREET. M.DCC.LXXXVI.
THE ADVENTURES OF ANTHONY VARNISH.
CHAPTER XVI.
Description of the family.—The soldier gives an account of his life.—He endeavours to prove that honour is a sufficient substitute for happiness.—I retire to bed.—Join the soldier and his family.—More ways of living than one.—The soldier's stratagems to eke out a scanty pittance.—Their success.
AS soon as we had all retired within the cabin, our company was reinforced by the arrival of the farmer's daughter, who had just returned from a neighbouring fair, where she had been to sell some spun-yarn, in which employment her father and she passed the greatest part of their time, in order to make a small addition, by their industry, to that pittance, to which it had pleased heaven to reduce them.
When we had assembled round the hearth, the loquacious soldier, taking some tobacco from a leather pouch, which he carried in his pocket, between his finger and thumb, and depositing it in his lower jaw, between his lip and his teeth, began to inform us who he was, and the reasons that had induced him to pay a visit to that part of the country.—"When I first took it in my head to enter the army as a private," says the soldier, "I was about the age and size of this here lad," at the same time giving me a violent pat on the head.—I remember the time just as well as if it was but yesterday, though, may hap, I haven't made many a hard campaign since that time;—but no matter for that, every man isn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth; and, if so be as how I've done my duty, why an't I as good as another? hey, father!" says he, addressing himself to the host;—"but, damme, what signifies?—it will be all the same a hundred years hence, as Corporal Crab used to say.—Well, as I was saying, when I listed in the army, it was in the month of June, at Clonmel, in the county of Tiperary, and a fine body of men our regiment were, damme, as ever faced an enemy in the field of battle.—But this won't do, by G—d!—ram me into a ginshop (as our corporal used to say) but I'm growing confoundedly dry; I'm none of your fellows, damme, not I, that can talk without drinking;—here," said the talkative son of Mars, holding out the mug, "take this and fill it full of the righteous!— I can't do without it, by the lord Harry;—I must wet the whistle;—I'm just as dull, if I want drink, as a
Mounseer
without
soup meagre.
— Aye, that's a brave girl!" says he, taking the mug from the young woman, "come, "my lass," putting the vessel to his mouth, here's long life to you if you die to-morrow, as our corporal used to say.—What was I saying when I left off?—Oh! I recollect.—Why, we were ordered to Cork, that we might be in readiness to meet the transports, which were coming round there, from the Channel, to take us, and five more regiments, to North America, to fight the rebels.—We got got into the boats at three in the morning, and fell down the river to the ships that were moored off Kinsale, and a brave set of boys there was, d'ye see, as ever the sun shone upon.—We mustered, I remember, near four thousand, though, I believe, four hundred never lived to return; but no matter for that, we must all die some time or other; and isn't better to die in battle, with a bullet through your head, fighting for your king and country, (as our corporal used to say,) than to sneak into the other world with a 'potecary's shop in your guts? — Damme, I'm no flincher;—here's your good health, daddy," says the soldier, drinking.— I remember," continues this son of gunpowder, "we had a quick passage. We crossed the Atlantic, and arrived at New-York just forty days after the time of our embarkation. — I recollect too that our general would scarcely give us time to refresh ourselves after the voyage, when he ordered us up into the country, where we marched and countermarched after the enemy; but I don't know how it was, but, damme, we always arrived a day too late;—but no matter for that, — here's success to the army," says he, drinking, and afterwards giving me the mug;—"come, you dog," says he,
why don't you drink?—why, your'e down in the mouth;—damme, you'll never grow tall if you don't drink.
In compliance with his solicitations I took another draught; while I was performing of which he kept crying,
Take a good pull;—by G—d it's better for you than mother's milk.—Well, as I was saying, our arms were idle, for want of use, till we were ordered to force the trenches of the rebels at Bunker's-hill.
—
At the mention of Bunker's-hill, I perceived the tears, trickling from the eyes of the venerable old landlord, chace one another
"In big, round, drops, adown his furrow'd face."
"Why, what's the matter, father?" says the soldier.—Ah!" replies the host, "I lost a son in that engagement, who, had he been living, would have solaced and relieved me in my old days."—"What was his name?" says the soldier.—"John Foster," says the other.—"Jack Foster!" says the knight of the brown musket; — "by G—d I knew him as well as my own brother;—he belonged to our grenadiers, and as clever a fellow he was as ever stood in shoe-leather.—I remember he was shot through the heart as he was leaping into the Yankees trenches.—Why, man, he and I were comrades, and were quartered together at Peg Brown's, who kept a huckster's shop in Boston."—At this part of the story the old man's faculties forsook him, and, overcome by grief, with the assistance of his daughter, after wishing us a good night's rest, he retired to bed.—
"It was in Boston," continues the soldier, "that I picked up my wife, and a clever b—tch she is as ever pillaged a field of battle.—She was formerly married to a serjeant of our regiment, but, having his head shot off by a cannon-ball, why, damme, the next day she married me;—didn't you Moll?" says he, looking round for his companion, who had stole away to bed with her child in the beginning of the soldier's story;—
why, what the devil is she gone to bed already!—never out of her road by G—d!—but, as for that matter, Moll's an old campaigner, and, if ever she wants any thing for asking for, why, she ought to be damned, as our corporal says;—so here's my service to you, my lad,
says the facetious narrator, drinking again.—
Well, how should you like to be a soldier?
continues my companion, addressing himself to me.—I frankly replied, "Not at all:" at which he testified a great deal of surprize, and said, "Why, damme, have you no ambition, you dog."—"Why no," I replied, "not to lose my limbs as you have done," the soldier having but one arm.— "Oh! damne, this is a trifle," says he, lifting up the remaining stump; "besides, I should not have lost this but for a mere accident." Upon my inquiring into the nature of it, he informed me that he lost his precious arm at the springing of a mine, where nine-tenths of the party he belonged to were blown to pieces in the air: upon which I told him, without any equivocation, that I had determined never to be a soldier, as I had a particular veneration for peace, health, and a whole skin.—"I am sorry, my lad," says this modern Belisarius, that you have so pitiful a way of thinking;—by the Lord, you've no more idea of glory than a captain in the city militia, nor no more spirit than a tailor.—Now, look at me;— you see me here a poor fellow, wading through the world with one of my wings lopped off;—but no matter for that, that's nothing more than the fortune of war, as our corporal used to say, and is many a brave man's lot as well as mine, d'ye see; but, if so be as how that hadn't been the case, why, damme, by this time, I should have been a greater man than ever.—But I'll say nothing, for boasting is the language of poltroons, and beneath a gentleman-soldier to make use of; so, my little hero, here's t'ye you," putting the mug to his mouth;—"oh! oh! damme," says he, turning the mug bottom upwards, "we are all aground by G—d!"—
By this time the young woman had returned from attending upon her father; and, intimating to the story-telling soldier that it was high time to think of going to bed, he thought proper to take the hint, and, asking the girl to shew him the hammock where his wife had turned in, he took up his sword and knapsack, and, taking me by the hand, went out of the room, scratching his head, and shaking himself all the way, to solace his yoke-fellow, and give his tongue a respite until morning.
As soon as the beams of Phoebus penetrated through a little window, and informed the tenants of the cabin that it was time to rise, we all got up, and, having adjusted our travelling baggage, began to march, taking the readiest way to come into the high road that leads to the metropolis, and, the soldier and his wife having the same place of destination, we made a pleasant party of three, and agreed to bear each other company.
As we walked along, the soldier took frequent opportunities of sounding me upon the strength of my purse, which when he learned was almost exhausted, having only a crooked sixpence and a few halfpence left, his looks became gloomy and thoughtful; and we were laying our heads together, to concert a plan for the procuring a comfortable breakfast, when we espied a carriage coming towards us, followed by three servants on horseback; at the sight of which my companion's countenance began to wear a pleasant aspect, and, bidding me make what haste I could behind a hedge, he told me that he would soon procure some loose cash from the quality in the coach, which was approaching us now very fast. I immediately obeyed his orders, and got with great precipitation on the other side of the ditch, whence I resolved to watch his motions narrowly, not knowing rightly what construction to put upon his words; but I was soon released from my perplexity by observing my fellow-traveller, who had so contrived to twist his left leg and the remaining arm, that he appeared, when limping, (which he did to admiration,) like a poor dislocated wretch, who had not the power of putting his hand to his head, or helping himself in any manner whatever; and, in this woe-begone state, he placed himself in the middle of the road, to be ready, at all points, to encounter the coach, and to lay warm siege to the hearts of the company within.
As soon as the carriage arrived within a few paces of the soldier, we all perceived with joy that the majority of the company were females, there being three young beauties within, accompanied by an elderly gentleman, whom we guessed to be their father. But my senses were now occupied in observing the artful manoeuvring of the jocund son of Mars; for, limping up to the side of the carriage, to all appearance with infinite labour on his part, and, pulling off his hat, he accosted them in the following pitiable strain:—"Ah! my sweet young ladies, long life to you all;—and, can't you find, in your fair bosoms, one spark of pity for a poor maimed soldier, with a wife and six small children?"—"Yes, my good gentlewomen," cries his faithful help-mate, "this boy, in my arms, is one of them;—we left the other five, in the last town, behind us, as a pledge for nineteen-pence halfpenny." All true, upon my honour," says the soldier; "and, unless you, or some other well-disposed Christians, contribute to our relief, we must perish for hunger."—"How came you by those wounds, friend?" says the gentleman in the coach.—"I lost this precious limb," replies the soldier, exhibiting his stump, in the defence of an officer's wife, who was a passenger on board our transport, whom the Spaniards wanted to make a prisoner of, off Cape Finistere, because, why, my sweet madam," says he to one of the young ladies, who had put her head out of the coach to look at the young child, "she was like yourself, heaven bless you, as beautiful as Wenus."—"Ah! poor man," says the lady, evidently the more interested in his success by the soldier's last well-timed remark upon her person.—"I and nine more of my comrades," continued the military impostor, "were taken prisoners as we boarded the Spanish frigate sword in hand, my good master, when we were put in irons till the ship bore away for Barcelona; then they hauled us ashore, and we lay fifteen months, a fortnight, and three days, on the damp floor of a Spanish prison, with no other covering than an old blanket, full of varmint; and no food but stale onions, black bread, and stinking water, your honour."
As the female heart is generally susceptible of the soft pangs of sympathy, when listening to the misfortunes of the brave, and the Irish ladies being equal to any upon earth in gentleness, generosity, and compassion, it is no wonder that the young gentlewomen in the carriage should unite to lift the supposed burden of care and want from the shoulders of the gallant veteran;— indeed he had no sooner finished the relation of this well-wove catalogue of woe than they joined in concert to implore the old gentleman to give him a shilling. Upon his expressing an opinion that he thought it too much, they pulled out their purses, as in unison, and, gathering six pence a piece, threw it to the soldier's wife, who picked it from the road, while he exhibited, in silent gesture, as if overpowered with their bounty, some well-conceived attitudes, expressive of pantomimic gratitude, as the coach drove away from this accidental farce, which was performed so much to the honour of the ladies, and, in my opinion, the degradation of the soldier.
My companion had the grace to watch until the carriage, by descending a hill, got intirely eclipsed from our view, when calling to me to come forth, by the well-known summons of
Fox, come out of your hole!
I leaped into the path, on the side of the highway, while he replaced his knapsack, (which he had taken off for the more convenient performance of the part he meant to play,) and, after buckling it in proper order, we set off on our peregrinations once more, having no object now that could so materially affect our contemplation as the fight of an alehouse, for which we all looked out, with as much ardour as mariners do for land, when their water and provisions are exhausted.
CHAPTER XVII.
A proof of my credulity.—My inquiries are followed by a family quarrel.— A familiar dialogue in low life.—Arrive at a public house.—Diamond cut diamond, or the soldier too much for the Israelite.—Arrive at a farm house.— Another proof of the soldier's address in thieving.
WE were all three pacing along the middle of the high road, to the tune of the
Grenadier's March,
which the soldier was whistling, in quick time, while his eyes glistened with pleasure at the success which had attended his last manoeuvre: and every now and then he cast them towards me with a leer, as much as to say,
Don't you think me a damned clever fellow?
when I interrupted the progress of the tune, by observing, that I was a little surprised how any person could retain so great a share of animal spirits, who had experienced so many, and such reiterated, hardships.—
What, you mean the Spanish prison, and the stinking water?
says my companion. Upon my replying, "Yes," he burst out into a fit of immoderate laughter, which he repeated, looking in my face, two or three times successively. At last, the violent part of his merriment subsiding, he asked me, with a grave countenance, if I believed it.—I told him, to be sure; the circumstances appeared to me so natural that I could think of nothing else upon which he undeceived me, by telling me, very candidly, that the whole, from beginning to end, was neither more or less than a confounded lie.—"What, have you no children in pledge neither?" said I.—"Not one, upon my soul," said he, "nor a brat in the world except this young bastard at my wife's back; and, if any one has a mind to take him into pledge, why, all that I say to the matter is, that I'll be damned if I'd take the trouble to redeem him in a hurry."—"How dare you call my child a bastard, you lob-lolly son of a whore," cries the enraged wife.—"No abuse, Moll," replies the other, holding up the remaining arm in a threatening position, "because why, d'ye see, if you do, I'll bring you to the halberd, by G—d; so, mind me that, if you've a gard for your bones, my girl."— You and your halberd may go to hell together, you lousy, scabberoon, rascal!" says the irritated trull, with her cheeks as red as scarlet with indignation, was it for this I left Jack Furlow, to take up with such a lying, thieving, pimping, must-be-hanged, dog as you?—you know, you scoundrel, that I have it in my power to bring you to the gallows, you leering hound!"
At this last intimation the soldier thought proper to appease his comrade with all the soothing in his power:— "Come, come, Moll," says he, "why are you in such a damned passion?— you know I was but in jest."—"Take care to crack your jests in proper time, then," replies she;—"how does this youth know who or what I am?"—"Nay, nay, Moll," rejoins the soldier, "there's enough said; if I I have affronted you, why, damme, I'm sorry for it."—"Bastard indeed!" mutters the lady.—"Why, set in case as how I did call Bob a bastard, Moll," replied the knight of the brown musket, "you know the thing's natural enough."
I now took an opportunity of putting an end to this polite colloquy between the soldier and his trull, by pointing to a public house that awaited our entrance, at a small distance from the place of disputation. Here we found the landlord and a Jew pedlar in a warm contest about the origin of Christianity, and they contended the matter with so much heat, that, although I knew but very little of the subject, I readily concluded they were both in the wrong. The landlord was so engaged in his argument, that he took no sort of notice of our entering the kitchen until my comrade, by touching him upon the shoulder, put him in mind of his duty; upon which he started up, and, begging pardon for his inattention, placed us a long stool by the fire-side, when we took our feats without any farther ceremony.—"What have you to drink, landlord?" says the soldier.— Every thing," replies the other.— Have you any good whiskey? if you have, bring us a naggen apiece," says the dealer in gunpowder.—"I think, without vanity, I may say, that I have the very best whiskey in the country," rejoins Boniface, "I am sure I ought, brother soldier, for I pays ready money for every drop that comes into my house;—no trust for me;—it was always a saying of mine, Never trust but when needs must."—"Oh! damn your palaver, landlord," cries the thirsty soldier, "bring but the sort, d'ye see, and leave us to praise it;" upon which delicate suggestion the host instantly disappeared.—
"I suppose, gentlemans, you have quite tired the gentlewomans," says the Jew, for she looks monshtrously jaded."— Oh! by G—d, friend," says her helpmate, "it isn't so easy a matter, as you may imagine, to knock Moll up."—"I only shust spoke," says the Jew, "I hope no offensh."—"Oh! not at all," says the other;—"damme, I like you;—give your hand, my honest Israelite;—we must be better acquainted."—"Witch all my heart," says the Jew.—"Will you join in our mess? we're only taking a sup of the righteous this morning to warm our stomachs, man;—here, take a taste," says the soldier, giving the pewter measure to the Jew; which upon putting to his lips, he exclaimed, "I vow to God it ish raw spirits!"—"Raw!" replies the other, "aye, to be sure; damme, I hate to spoil a good thing by mixing it;—but what have you got, Mordecai, in that there box by your side?"—"Oh! a choich collection of knives, shishhors, and rashors;— perhaps your lady would like a pair of shishhors; I can shew her a pair thatsh fit for any lady in the land;— and, besides, heresh a nice pair of ear-rings; they are washed, to be shure, but what shignifies that? they look as well as gold." Both of which articles the soldier's trull accepted from the Jew with looks of great complacency, and would of the whole contents of his box had he offered them for sale.—"For the shishhors I shall charge you, becaush you're a friend, only"— Oh! damn the price," cries the soldier, interrupting him, "we'll talk of that by and by;—here, my honest fellow, take another sup; I desired the landlord to make it weaker for your palate."—"You're vashly kind, sir, upon my verashity," says the other, drinking;—"your good healsh, sir, and yoursh, madam, and yoursh, my fine boy."—"Which road d'ye take?" says the soldier to the pedlar.—"I am going up towarsh town," says the other.—"That's lucky," says the soldier, "then we'll travel together; I have a cousin that lives in a village, about twelve miles distant, which we must pass through;—he's a great brewer, very rich, and has a particular regard for me; and, because I have taken a liking to you, damme, I'll carry you with me to his house, and I'll be bound that he shall purchase three parts of your cargo."— "I am exshtremely obliged to you," says the other.—"Oh! damme, don't talk of that; I'm but a poor soldier myself, 'tis true, but then what signifies that? I have the heart of a general, by G—d, as our corporal says. — Come, then, as we are to travel together, why, 'tis time we thought of marching," cries the consumer of salt petre; at the same time bracing on his knapsack. —"Your liquor comes to two and twenty pence," says the landlord.—"Oh! oh! damme, I forgot that," says the soldier, "but, however, the Jew will discharge it; I've got no change at present, and I'll repay him at the next place we come to:" upon which the itinerant hardwareman, with some manifest signs of repugnance to the business, pulled out the money and paid the amount; which being accomplished, we all set forward in the pursuit of our several occupations.
As we journied along the soldier entertained the Jew with an account of his rescuing a brother Israelite in America from the hands of some Cataban Indians, who had seized him as he was crossing a swamp, in order to furnish a detachment of light horse with trinkets, and other necessaries, who were quartered within a league of Albany.— "That wash very good, upon my wordsh," says the Jew, "and you will be rewarded hereafter for protecting one of our peoplesh."— Oh!" says the other, "a good action rewards itself; besides, my heart has always warmed to a Jew, d'ye see, ever since one of your tribe, one Moses Manasses, gave some old clothes to relieve a comrade of mine that was sick in Cork," says the soldier, at the same time winking his eye at me.— "Oh! I dare shay as how I knows the man," replies the Jew, "it musht be a relation of little Solomon Manashes, the pomatum-merchant, in Duke's Place."—"Oh! damme, the very same," says the other; "I have heard him mention Solomon's name a hundred times; he was his uncle by the mother's side, and a devilish clever fellow he was, my little Girgashite," replies he, looking at me, and thrusting his tongue in his cheek with a grin.—"Oh! devilish clever," says the Jew, "he was the best maker of Dutch sealing-wax in all Hounsditch."
By this time we were overtaken by two empty cars, which were returning to the next town, after having carried some straw to a gentleman's seat up the country; and, being all of us a little inclined to be lazy, we procured a seat upon the cars, through the mediation of the lame soldier, for the promise of a quart of ale to the driver on our arrival at the next alehouse. Accordingly we all mounted upon the vehicle, and, having had but an indifferent night's rest, I presently fell asleep, and did not awake till I was pulled by the legs by my companion, who informed me that the cars would go no farther.
When I alighted from the carriage, I perceived the Jew and the soldier's trull had got a considerable way before us; and, upon my expressing some astonishment, my military companion told me, that they were resolved to push on smartly, to be able to reach the next town before dark, which place had been previously settled by all parties as a general rendezvous.
As we trudged along, the merry-hearted soldier did not fail to entertain me with stories of sieges and battles, and hair-breadth escapes, interlarded with witticisms, which he delivered in a manner and dialect peculiar to himself.— "Some people," says he, "in my situation, would be damnably down in the mouth, without any money in my pocket, except a couple of crooked sixpences, and not an ounce of provision, of any kind, in my knapsack, for Moll and me to travel upwards of forty miles; but that does not affect me, for, when one expedient fails, d'ye see, why, I try another.— I am resolved to get money when I want it; why, if I can get it honestly, d'ye see me, so much the better, but at any rate I'll get it;—I'm none of your mealy-mouthed rascals that want to be asked twice to what's good.— But stop! what have we here!—some quality on horseback, by all that's lucky!"—and, after bidding me get out of the way, he took a piece of soap from his pocket, and, placing it under his tongue, he watched till they were come pretty near, when he fell flat upon his back, and began to beat the ground with his head and hands, and presently foamed at his mouth prodigiously.
As the seeming violence of his distress could not fail to attract their notice, they all rode up, while he acted the part of a man sorely afflicted with the epilepsy, or falling-sickness. The company, (which consisted of two ladies on horseback, attended by a young gentleman, about sixteen years of age, and an officer in his uniform, with two servants in livery,) seeing the supposed melancholy condition of my comrade, ordered their servants to assist the poor soldier. As the bait had sufficiently taken, and the company were viewing him with strong marks of commiseration, he thought proper to grow better, and, sitting up, affected to stare about him, as not knowing where he was, which was attributed, by the pitying circle, to the convulsions which he had undergone.
After being questioned as to his name, regiment, the cause of his disorder, and other corresponding circumstances, he told them, with a look, in which he counterfeited all the wildness of extreme despair, the same account, word for word, that I heard him relate, on the same morning, to the company in the carriage, of the Spanish prison, and its evils, and which, he afterwards assured me, was a circumstantial falsehood: but the man was right in one sense; for he told his tale of misery with such an artless affectation of truth and sincerity, that they threw him, in silver and half-pence, to the tune of seventeen pence. After he had fervently prayed to heaven to bless them for their charity and benevolence, they rode off; and he stooped with alacrity to gather the misapplied offerings of their deluded liberality.
By the time he had pocketed the donations of the generous and humane travellers, who, doubtless, thought that they were doing an action peculiarly grateful to heaven, I jumped from the ditch, where I had lain hid during the soldier's masterly operation, and joined him company; when, giving me a tremendous slap upon the shoulder, he burst into a loud laugh, and asked me what I thought of the last manoeuvre. Upon my face denoting wonder and amazement, he cried out, with great exultation,
Oh! you dog, if you keep me company, I'll teach you how to live;—it isn't done by working; no, damme, let the foolish part of the world work, and them that are fond of it, say I; for my part of the story, I never was in love with work in my life, and, what's more, by G—d, I don't believe I ever shall.
By the succession of artifices which my conscientious fellow-traveller had put in practice, to delude the generous and benevolent, since I had the good fortune to associate with him, I could not avoid looking upon him with a kind of horror and antipathy; inasmuch as a knowledge of the infamous means he made use of, to awaken the sentiments of pity in the hearts of the good and worthy, would effectually steel them in future against the supplications of real misery, whenever they might have the pain to encounter it: however, I had resolved to disguise my ideas of his character as much as possible, and, by affecting a compliance with his humours, endeavoured to glean some wholesome experience, without endangering either my manners or my morals.
As we paced along to overtake our companions, who, by this time, had got the start of us by at least a mile, we came within sight of a farm-house, to which the one-armed veteran proposed going, for the purpose of asking a ruddy-faced damsel, who stood at the door, the hour of the day. Upon his asking the question, she replied, with great civility, that she would go and see. The moment that the girl had turned her back, I observed my colleague looking about the yard with the eyes of Argus. At last, espying a well-fed duck, that came waddling towards us, his chops watered with desire; and, bidding me wait at the door, he stepped on one side, and, with an admirable alertness, struck the duck on the head with a thick oak sapling, which he carried with him by way of walking-stick, and, ere I had well time to contemplate the transaction, he had it deposited in his knapsack; when the young girl returned, and informed us it was almost six o'clock. The soldier, finding that the evening was so far advanced, told me that we must stir our stumps, for that we had a good three miles to go over before we should enjoy the comforts of either
bub
or
grub;
by which polite epithets I had been already taught to distinguish the difference between meat and drink.
CHAPTER XVIII.
We overtake the Jew.—He is affronted by the landlord.—A battle.—The bloody consequences.—We enjoy the fruits of my companion's dexterity.—Make the Israelite drunk.—He is charged with committing a robbery.—The puhlican enraged, and drawn into a scrape by the mal-practices of the soldier.
PHOEBUS had just descended to the enjoyment of his beloved Thetis when we arrived at the town of—, and found Isaac (for that was the Jew's name) watching for us at the door of a house, dedicated for the purpose of entertaining the weary sojourner.
Upon the soldier's making an inquiry after his female messmate, the Jew told him that she was smoking her pipe by the kitchen-fire, whither we all repaired immediately; and, as the demon, hunger, had caused strange commotions in the intestines of us all, it was proposed by the Jew that we should get something to allay it; upon which the publican told our friend Isaac that he could give him as delicious a slice of bacon as ever was broiled on a turf-sire.—
A slice of vat!
cries the enraged child of circumcision, who took this proposal of the landlord as a direct insult.—"Why, a slice of bacon," cries the other. — Gives me leave to tell you, sir," replies the descendent of Moses, "that you are a very impertinent short of a fellow."—"Why, I'll tell you what, friend," says the host, "'tis true, I'm obliged to every gentleman for their custom; but what then? why, I won't receive uncivil language from the best man in the county; and, if you repeat such language again, friend, damme, I'll shave your face for you with an oaken razor," alluding to the Jew's beard, which ornamented his lower jaw from ear to ear, as black and bristly as a hog's back.—"Whatch that you shay?" says the Jew, rising from his seat, "you will shave me! may I never enter the synagogue alive, but if you touch a hair of my beard, but I'll"—"What will you do?" cries the landlord, strutting up to him.—"Well done, Isaac," cries the soldier, slapping him on the back, and pushing him forward,
never mind; by G—d, I'll stand by you:
which assurance of support spirited the Israelite so far, that, going up to the landlord, with his arms enfolded, he repeats,
Now, shir, I shay you are an impertinent fellow, and, moreoverish, I have a great mind
—Here the Jew's sentence, like the story in Hudibras, was abruptly broke off in the middle by the incivility of the publican, who, on hearing the word
impertinent
a second time, grappled a three-legged stool that stood in his way, with an intent to knock the Israelite on the head; which Isaac perceiving, dropped instantly upon his knees, and was looking most piteously up to the soldier for relief, when he received such a terrible kick in the mouth from his adversary, as fairly drove him four yards backward into the fire, where he lay, to all appearance, bereft of life, with the blood gushing from his ears, mouth, and nostrils, and his head leaning against an iron pot, which hung over the fire with some potatoes boiling for the family.
When I perceived the dreadful issue of this adventure, I got hold of one of poor Isaac's arms, and the soldier taking hold of the other, we drew him out of the fire; but, he still remaining motionless, we deposited him upon some straw, and then left him to recover his senses at leisure.—Meanwhile the soldier, pulling the dead duck from his knapsack, gave it to the host to get dressed, which office he set about with wonderous alacrity; when the maimed warrior cast his eye upon Isaac's box, which, taking to the window, he opened without ceremony, and made free with a japanned tobacco-box, and a case of razors.
We were surrounding the fire, listening to the remarks of the laughter-loving veteran, which were all made at the expence of poor Isaac, when the landlord informed us that supper was ready. We all obeyed the word of command instantaneously, and, entering into a small white-washed room, scarcely high enough for any of us to stand upright, found the duck smoking on the table, encircled with a great quantity of potatoes, and accompanied with two quarts of fine ale, that mantled in the glass like genuine Burgundy.
As we were proceeding to an instant demolition of the purloined fowl, we heard Isaac calling out vociferously,
Were ish my boxsh? were ish my boxsh?
upon which the soldier went out, and, having washed the Israelite's face with a wet towel, prevailed upon him to come in, and sup upon a fine duck, which, he assured him, upon his honour, his cousin, the brewer, had sent him as a present, when he heard he was in town.
Upon the strength of this importunity, Isaac consented to make one at the mess, and, having taken his seat at the festive board, every man began to play his part; and, indeed, we did it so dexterously, that, in less than ten minutes, we had intirely cleared the table, not only of the duck, but of, at least, a stone weight of potatoes, which accompanied the delicious morsel by way of a damper.
I observed, with attention, the cadaverous visage of the Jew, whenever the landlord entered the room, which changed from its natural hue very much, resembling yellow oker, to that of a deadly pale; his lips quivered, and his little black eyes, (shadowed with a monstrous pair of overgrown eye-brows,) which appeared to be more than half buried in his scull, were inflamed with malice and revenge; and indeed his whole frame seemed to undergo an agitation that sufficiently denoted the anguish and perturbation of his mind. Every time that the brawny host left the room, (a circumstance which the Jew attended to with great watchfulness,) he did not fail to utter the severest denunciations of vengeance; and, upon the soldier's telling him that it was a great misfortune that he was not born a Christian, the Jew replied with heat, "And, praysh, my good friend, what bettersh should I have been if Ish had been born a Christian?"—"Why, you would not retain all this animosity against the landlord," says the soldier, "because, if so be, that you're struck on one cheek, it commands you for to turn the other." —"Oh! it dosh, dosh it?" rejoins the other, "why, then, give me leavesh to tell you, Master Soldier, you Christians don't appear to me, by your practish, to be mush the better for your education."—" Aye, how d'ye make that out, Mosy?" says the soldier.— Why, don't they hang the peoplesh from our shinagog in London without merchy," replied the pedlar, "and all, so shall Got shave me, merely because they buy a little plate and jewelsh by way of a bargainsh."—"Aye, aye, you mean, Mosy," says the soldier, "because they buy stolen goods, and so you complain, d'ye see, because they hang the Jews for being consarned in a robbery; — why, if it wasn't for that, how would you, for instance, be able to travel about in safety?"—"Why, thatsh very true, upon my soul;—heresh your healsh, my good friend," says the Jew, drinking to the military disputant, whom he regarded now as a miracle of discernment and integrity;—"by the Got of my fatheresh," added he, "if it was not for the happinesh of your shochiety, I would not stay another hour under the roof of this bloody-minded publicansh."
In this jocund manner did the Jew and the soldier pass their time, in an agreeable
tête-à-tête,
until one in the morning, by which hour the Israelite's rational faculties were all dormant, or, in other words, he was made completely drunk, having sacrificed to Bacchus so powerfully, that all those ideas which usually swam uppermost in his understanding, such as extortion, deception, malice, and a variety of other passions, of the same amiable complexion, were now totally obliterated from the tablet of his memory, and lay drowned, not in the Lethean lake, so famed by Ovid, yet full as effectually in home-brewed ale. In this beastly state of negative existence did his bosom-friend, the wily destroyer of gunpowder, drag him to bed, with his feet trailing along the ground, as insensible of motion as if he had been a dead body actually drawn from the field of battle.
After the soldier had properly disposed of the body of this circumcised acquaintance, he returned for his box of pedlary wares, and, taking it with him under his arm, wished us a good night, when we all retired to our several apartments to rest.
Having drunk a much greater quantity of liquor than usual, I was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, to grope about for a convenience, when I was diverted from my purpose by a terrible outcry of
Thieves! thieves! murder! here's a villain wanting to ravish me!
When my terrors had a little subsided, I perceived the landlord making towards me in his shirt, with a candle in his hand, inquiring where the noise came from; which we quickly ascertained by the same outcries being repeated, and, breaking open the door of the room in which the soldier, his trull, and the Jew, were contained, we saw the former leaning over the bed, in the act of pinioning down the unfortunate Jew, who lay there half awake, muttering Hebrew, which we conceived, by his attitudes and the rolling of his eyes, to be prayers, while the trull was exclaiming,
Ah! you villain; what! want to ruin me, you impudent thief, while my dear husband was here too, you dog; but, by the blessing of the Holy, you eternal vagabond, I'll make you know your Lord G—d from Tom Bell:
at the end of which pious denunciation she laid hold of Isaac's beard, and pulled it with such vigour, that, before the miserable devil could disentangle himself from her gripe, she had torn a handful of the bristly ornament of his chin away by the roots.
She had no sooner quitted her hold, than her precious helpmate, seizing him by the shirt, in attempting to drag him out of bed, tore it to the bottom; but, failing in that endeavour, he pulled down the bed-clothes, (which Isaac held between his remaining teeth as long as he was able,) and, wielding his stick, began to beat the mahogany carcass of the Jew without an idea of compassion; but Isaac, not relishing that kind of exercise, leaped out of bed with the celerity of a doe, and, before his assailant could well turn round, had secreted himself in the chimney, where he remained, uttering yells and lamentations more dismal than were ever made by Nebuchadnezzar during his residence in the wilderness.
From the knowledge I had of my companion's artifices, and the extraordinary methods by which he seemed to eke out a subsistence, I had no doubt but that this attempt on the chastity of his lady, which was imputed to the Jew, was no other than a preconcerted scheme between this amiable pair to bring the Israelite into trouble, and take advantage of his consternation; and, in the sequel, I found that my suspicions were but too well founded.
Upon the reiterated promises of the landlord, that his person should be unmolested, the grief-laden descendent of Mordecai ventured to leave his unsavoury retreat, and made his appearance, covered and defiled with foot, and trembling with the several impulses of feat and cold like an aspen-leaf.
After inquiring for his clothes, he dressed himself in the best manner he was able, and, at intervals, was talking to himself in a language that we could not comprehend, when the landlord taxed him with the crime that was laid to his charge, and was painting the heniousness of the offence, and that the laws of the land would even justify the soldier in taking away his life in such a situation: when the mortified Isaac fell upon his knees, and protested that he was innocent of the crime of having attempted to debauch any man's wife; and, striking his breast with great emotion, he swore,
Dat ish Cot's truth, so shall Cot save me, so shall Cot damn me.
The Jew, finding himself environed now with enemies on all sides, determined to get out of the house as fast as possible, and set about it with as much industry as was ever exercised by Ulysses, or any of his companions, to make their escape from the dangerous cave of Polyphemus. After scrambling for his tattered vestments, the next grand object that engrossed his imagination was the box, which contained all his portable merchandise, and by the help of which, under the management of an infinite deal of cunning, did he fondly hope to be one day able to sit down, blest with wealth, (gleaned from the uncircumcised,) among his brethren of the synagogue, who eat and drink, in filth and abomination, agreeable to the law of Moses.
But, alas! the hours that he had unluckily spent in the company of my exemplary fellow-traveller, the soldier, were doomed by fate to be unpropitious to poor Isaac; and indeed it was predestined that he should suffer so much, that I ardently wish the evils that attended him, on that memorable day, may be considered as sufficiently expiatory for his former mal-practices.
When, after a search of one hour, he had recovered his box, he opened it with great trepidation and avidity, to see if every thing was safe, when, lo! to his unspeakable mortification, he missed full three-fourths of its contents. He had no sooner made the discovery than the roof echoed with his cries and execrations; —
Oh! by the Cot of my fatheresh, but I am robbed of all my propertish!
cries the miserable Isaac; and, feeling in his pocket at the same time, he found his purse had decamped also; when he added, in heart-rending notes of deep-toned woe,—
and my monish! my monish! so help me Cot, Ish lost my monish!
During the whole of this transaction, the soldier was employed in telling the landlord that he knew Isaac's pranks of old, and that he was sure, instead of being robbed himself, as he was complaining, that he had actually purloined something belonging to the publican, and, in order to escape that and paying his reckoning, he had raised this artificial outcry about a loss which he had never experienced. —
"Fate
and
trot,
" says the landlord, "your story is very likely, and I'm much obliged to you for the hint; for, though I never had a Jew lodge with me before, by my soul I always heard they were a set of damned rogues."
Isaac, still continuing obstinate to the text he first set out upon, and making a terrible outery about his losses, threatened to have the landlord before a justice of the peace in the morning, and, by certain nods, winks, and insinuations, gave us to understand, that he verily believed he had a hand in the business; which so nettled the host, that he instantly collared the terrified Israelite without ceremony, and swore he would search him instantly, for he believed, that, instead of being robbed of the articles he was making such a hideous yell about, he had secreted some of his property; and swore, for the slurs he had thrown upon his character, that, if he found any thing belonging to him concealed about his person, of the value of tenpence, he would hang him like a dog at the next assizes.
With the assistance of his other guests he threw the Jew upon the floor, and, putting his hand in his coat-pocket, pulled out a tremendous slice of fat pork, in weight, moderately speaking, about five pounds, which the soldier had previously conveyed into his pockets, while he was bustling about his losses.
Upon this incontestible proof of his guilt, the landlord seized the Jew as his prisoner, and, tying his arms behind him with a strong cord, forced him into the cellar, where he remained a close captive until the morning, when they took him from his dungeon, to carry him before a justice of the peace, with a face as rueful as ever was exhibited.
The story of the robbery had by this time gained so much ground, that a great number of boys had gathered round the door, waiting, with anxious expectation, for the appearance of the persecuted Israelite; who was no sooner conducted into the street than they set up a roar of exultation, and continued to torment the poor wretch with the bitterest sarcasms upon his religion and the nature of the theft, as the bacon was carried before him, elevated on a pole, amidst the shouts of the surrounding multitude; all which indignities Isaac bore in silence, "with a patient shrug," until they arrived at the magistrate's.
When they were proceeding to the examination of the culprit, it was discovered that the principal evidence was wanting;—in short, the soldier, having a natural repugnance to the smell of justice, had taken an opportunity, during the bustle occasioned by the progress of so comical a cavalcade, to decamp
a la sourdine;
or, in other words, he moved off without beat of drum, and left the deluded publican to make the best of the circumstance, and to depend for his escape, from the perplexities that then surrounded him, on his own talents and ingenuity.
CHAPTER XIX.
My arrival at Dublin.—Astonishment at the magnificence of the buildings. — Accosted by a sea-officer.—Enter into his service.—My master is arrested.— I am charged with a commission, which I execute with dexterity.—My master is enlarged by the good offices of a friend. — New way of manning the navy.
HAVING conceived a most insuperable aversion to my military companion, in consequence of the viciousness of his disposition, which had been manifested on so many occasions in the short time that I had the honour of his acquaintance, I secretly rejoiced at his retreat, and determined for the future to be more guarded and circumspect in the choice of my associates.
Being now within a few miles of the capital, I set forward with all possible haste, in order to reach it before the evening, which I should have found a difficulty in effecting, if I had not rode upon a car, that was carrying corn to the Dublin market, for at least six miles of the road.
When I first entered the city, every thing around me struck me with amazement. Having been used, from my infancy, to see the societies of mankind comprised within the narrow compass of a country town, I had no idea of all that bustle, noise, and confusion, which characterises the metropolis of a commercial kingdom; — the streets, carriages, and public buildings, appeared like so many objects raised by the power of enchantment.
I had strolled through several streets, totally ignorant of the best method to pursue, and wrapt up in contemplation and wonder, when the wind in my bowels and the gnawing in my stomach put me in mind that it was absolutely necessary I should eat; and this suggestion called forth a hundred others, equally disagreeable; for the reader will recollect, that I had before lost every farthing I was worth in the wide world.
I remained for some minutes absorbed in reflexion, when, not knowing whither to direct my weary steps in search of either a meal to eat or a lodging to sleep in, I burst into a flood of tears, and was actually standing in the middle of the street a public spectacle of want and wretchedness, when I received a familiar slap upon the shoulder, accompanied with
Damn ye, Jack, what do you snivel for, you dog?
Upon my turning round, I perceived a gentleman, about thirty years of age, with a good-humoured countenance, well dressed, an oak sapling under his arm, and a cockade in his hat. He inquired into the cause of my sorrow with a degree of attention and curiosity, that sufficiently assured me his heart was influenced by the soft dictates of humanity, though his language and his manners savoured somewhat of roughness.
When he was acquainted with the particulars of my life, he told me that I had been obliged to weather some hard gales, to be sure, considering I was little better than a cock-boat at present, and not much ballast on-board;—"but what of that, my lad," says the generous stranger; "who knows but you may be the better for it as long as you live? — come, give me your hand; — if you have a mind to live with me, d'ye see, as my servant, why, you shall be welcome, and enter into present pay and good quarters: — what d'ye say, you dog?"— is it a match?"
I thanked him for his friendship, and told him, if he pleased, that I would follow him throughout the wide world; and indeed, at the instant I spoke, my heart accorded perfectly with my professions, as I was much attached to his interest from the open and sincere manner in which he accosted me.
After following my new master for near a mile, we stopped at a genteel house, in the neighbourhood of College-green, which I soon found was his place of residence, when he informed his landlady that he had hired me as his servant; at the same time ordering me to get my supper and go to bed, as he had no doubt but I was greatly fatigued; and that he should have occasion for me early in the morning. Indeed, there required but little pressing, on his part, to oblige me to execute so agreeable an order, for, what with fasting and exercise, my guts were actually in a state of open rebellion: however, the next morning I entered upon my new state of servitude, and felt the most eager desire for my master's rising, under whose banners I proposed living, for the future, with the utmost degree of ease and tranquillity.
The servants of the house, with whom I had supped the preceding evening, gave him the most amiable character imaginable, and I learnt from them that the name of my benefactor was O'Driscol, and lieutenant of a man of war, who had obtained leave of his captain, who then lay at Portsmouth, to pay a visit to his relations in Ireland. They farther informed me, that I might expect to be very comfortable in my new situation, as Mr. O'Driscol possessed every virtue under heaven but one, which was oeconomy; to which necessary ingredient in the human composition he was so utter a stranger, that he very frequently supplied the wants of the necessitous and importunate, and left himself without a shilling.
It was near eleven before I was summoned by the bell to prepare my master's breakfast, which I understood, from the servants of the family, was generally cold beef and grog, which is a beverage peculiarly palatable to seamen, made of rum, water, and sugar. When I entered my master's chamber, he accosted me with,
Well, Tony, you dog, how did you sleep?—was the hammock convenient?—but I suppose as how, that, what with travelling, and the cargo of fresh provisions you stowed in your hold last night, you'd have slept at the main top-mast head of a man of war in the Bay of Biscay:— but, come, have they told you what sort of a breakfast I eat?
—When I answered in the affirmative, and informed him that I had laid it for him in the dining-room, he sallied out in his night-gown and slippers, and, sitting down at the table, attacked the beef and bread with the appetite of an alderman. After he had demolished about two pounds of solid beef, and drunk a quart of grog, he ordered me to take away the things, and get my own breakfast. —
I hope you don't want tea,
says my master.—I assured him that I should always think myself extremely happy with a piece of beef and bread for my breakfast. — "Aye, you dog, that's right," says the lieutenant, "I turned off my servant a day or two ago, because he could not do without tea, and be damned to him;—for my part, Tony, I detest tea; I think it a weed that has already done a damned deal of mischief to old England, and I believe, in my heart, can never possibly do any good either to the body politic or natural."
My master was proceeding in vehement exclamations against the pernicious tendency of tea, when his discourse was interrupted by the arrival of a brother-officer. After the mutual exchange of a few salutations, which appeared much higher tinctured with sincerity than refinement, he dressed; and, giving me a few general orders, these sons of Neptune went forth arm in arm.
I had now leisure to reflect upon the comforts that I enjoyed in my new employment, which, contrasting with my former situation with Calomel, and the subsequent miseries I had experienced, made me as completely blest in imagination as I believe it possible for a human creature to be.
At length the hour arrived that it was usual for my master to come home to dinner, when, not seeing him, it was conjectured by the family that he had met with some engagement accidentally, which had prevented him: however, the evening came, and we heard nothing of the lieutenant, which created some alarms upon his account in the breasts of all the people of the house, to whom he had particularly endeared himself by the goodness of his heart and the affability of his manners.
At last night approached, and yet we heard no tidings of my master. Now every one appeared interested for his welfare. The mistress of the house, knowing the warmth of his disposition, entertained an idea that he might have got into some ugly affray, which had ended in a duel, and he, perhaps,
poor, sweet, gentleman,
(as she phrased it,) had lost his life.
But our fears, on that score, all subsided about eleven o'clock, when a man with a stern and forbidding aspect knocked at the door, and asked for Lieutenant O'Driscol's servant; at the same time informing the family that my master was arrested for a bond of two hundred pounds, and now lay in confinement at a spunging-house in Thomas-street.
The horror which I felt, and indeed every person in the house, on hearing the above intelligence, may be more easily conceived than described; however, recollecting the orders of my master, I followed the grim-looking conductor to the officer's house who had arrested him.
When I came to that dreary abode of misery, I passed through two doors, covered over with plates of iron, the keys of which were kept by a tall, rawboned, man, whose countenance was so terrific, in my idea, that I trembled with apprehension as I passed by him to my master, whom I found in a small, filthy, room, sitting by the fire-side, leaning upon a greasy oak table, with his head reclined upon his hand, and discoursing with an ill-looking fellow, who sat opposite, (whom I afterwards found to be the bailiff himself,) with the most perfect composure and familiarity.
When I entered the room, the lieutenant ordered me to sit down; and, calling for pen, ink, and paper, he wrote a letter, which having sealed up, he privately informed me of the place where the person lived to whom he had directed it; at the same time assuring the officer, that his friend would satisfy him for the debt the instant he should arrive; to which this human harpy replied,
I am very glad to hear it, master; for why, now, should I wish to keep a good-natured gentleman, as you seem to be, d'ye see, locked up here?—to be sure I get a trifle by the wine, but what signifies all that?—But I perceive, as how, that our bottle's out;— here, you Bet!
cries the bailiff;— upon which the fellow who had conducted me to the house told his employer, that his wife was below stairs, cooking the gentleman's supper. —
Here, then," says the ferocious chief, take this here bottle down to the bitch, and tell her to send another full of claret;—bid her to send the right sort;—d'ye hear, Peter?—you understand me,
says the bailiff; at the same time tipping his understrapper a wink.—"Aye, aye," says the other, and instantly disappeared; when the bailiff, resuming the thread of his conversation, proceeded,—
As I was saying, master, suppose I do get a trifle by the wine, it's all nothing, d'ye see me, because why, the taxes eat us up.
— Here his elegant apology was interrupted; for, by this time, my master, having sealed and directed the letter, gave me positive orders to deliver it into none but the gentleman's own hands, and to return to him with all possible haste.
When I read the superscription, I found it directed to a Captain Pennant, who lived at one of the quays, leading down to the water-side. I literally obeyed my master's injunctions, and, by good luck, got a man to shew me to the captain's house. I knocked at the door, and inquired if such a person lodged there, and if he was at home; upon which I was shewed up stairs, and found the lieutenant's friend, with five or six more gentlemen of the navy, sacrificing warmly to Bacchus, and drowning the sorrows of the day in a capacious bowl of rum-punch.
When I had delivered my letter, which the captain read with signs of evident emotion, he shewed it to his companions, who, upon perusing it, started from their seats, and proposed an instantaneous visit to my master, but, being opposed in this project by the interposition of their chief, they desisted; the captain at the same time ordering me to go back to the lieutenant immediately, and inform him that he would follow me with a wet sail, and procure his release, in less than an hour.
As I conceived these to be the tidings of joy, I hurried back to the spunging-house as fast as my legs could carry me, and informed my master of the issue of my errand; upon which he ordered more wine, and treated the bailiff and his people with as much as they could drink, till at last the principal himself fell asleep in his chair, and the rest of his infernal group began to reel under the influence of the purple god.
I had not returned above half an hour, when we heard a bustle at the outer door, which increased to that violence at last as roused the attention of the bailiff, who had by this time fallen asleep. Presently in rushes Captain Pennant, followed by seven or eight stout seamen, who instantly secured the grim member of the law and two of his people. The third, who stood centinel at the door, foreseeing the nature of the captain's visit, (who was no other than the commander of a press-gang, at that time stationed in Dublin, for the purpose of procuring recruits to man the navy,) flew up stairs, followed by two sailors, who touched the skirt of his coat just as he got out upon the leads of the house; and, in endeavouring to leap over to the top of the opposite mansion, he made a false step, and fell down from an eminence, four story high, into a blind alley, which separated the two houses, and, pitching plump upon his head, fractured his scull, and died upon the spot.
As for the bailiff and his followers, the sailors, after stripping and tying them together, forced them into a hackney-coach, which happened to be passing by; and, making the coachman get up behind, the sailors mounted on the box and roof, and drove the carriage down to the water-side, where a boat was waiting, into which they forced the unfortunate bailiff and his adherents, and lodged them safe in the hold of a tender, that lay in Dublin bay, at the silent hour of two in the morning; my master, the captain, and myself, going to the house of a friend in his neighbourhood, where it was proposed that he should remain until an opportunity offered of his going on-board the first packet that sailed for England; his remaining any longer in Dublin, after that adventure, being considered by his friends as a measure attended with too much danger.
CHAPTER XX.
We go on-board a Liverpool packet.— The effects that the novelty of my situation had upon my mind.—Description of the passengers.—Dispute between a fishmonger's lady and a Methodist preacher.—The great benefit of military men to the ladies in a mixed society.—A dispute that proves the necessity of travellers keeping their religious principles to themselves. — The whole company alarmed with danger.—The admonitions of the field-preacher against swearing.—A miserable catastrophe.
MY master having received notice that a Liverpool packet would sail in the evening, we instantly set about a preparation for our watery expedition. The lieutenant spent the remaining part of the day in taking leave of his friends, among whom none had a warmer place in his esteem than Captain Pennant. I found, from their discourse, that the intimacy had subsisted ever since they were at school, and that they had both served together in the capacity of midshipmen on-board the Dreadnought man of war; and likewise that the debt, for which my master had been arrested, was not of his own contracting, but what he had brought upon himself in consequence of his benevolence, having given his bond to relieve the family of a friend in the deepest distress, upon the most solemn assurances from the person relieved, that he never should be a sufferer by his good-nature, as he should have the means of taking up the bond long before it became due.
A sailor having been dispatched from the captain of the packet, to inform us that the vessel would fall down the river on the turn of tide, which would happen in half an hour, we were obliged to manage our affairs accordingly; the lieutenant, to avoid the possibility of being known, having previously dressed himself in a suit of womens apparel, which the captain had got from his landlady for the purpose.—A coach being called to the door, in stepped my master, the captain, and another gentleman, with a large cargo of sea stores, consisting of a cold boiled ham, a pair of fowls, bread, brandy, and claret.
When we arrived at the place of our destination, at George's quay, and were putting our provisions in the boat, I felt the most unpleasing regret at the idea of leaving my native land, perhaps for ever, and though not quite sixteen years of age, so forcibly did the idea distress me, and so much did the love of my country cling about my heart, that I actually wept with my distress; but, turning my head round to look at the rest of the passengers, and observing that they all appeared in a state of perfect indifference as to that event, I thought the amiable emotions of patriotism were unmanly, and secretly wiped away the tears that bedewed my cheeks, unnoticed by my master or the rest of the company.
After indulging a silent reverie for a few minutes, my curiosity was thoroughly roused by the novelty of the objects that surrounded me, and the pleasures of my sight had completely dissipated the anxieties of thought. I now, for the first time in my life, found myself sailing on the bosom of the water, surrounded by a number of persons of all ages, conditions, and descriptions. The boat which we were in appeared to me ready to sink with the weight of its burden; and, when I inquired of one of the sailors how far we were to proceed in that manner, and understood that the packet lay at the distance of at least a league from the place of our embarkation, I felt a cold sweat on all my limbs, and, notwithstanding the force of my curiosity, I could not help wishing myself back a hundred times; however, after a safe and agreeable sail, of about half an hour, down the Liffey, with the waters beautifully illumined by the setting sun, the sheds of Clontarf forming a charming back ground at a distance, and the horizon bounded by the purple majesty of the hill of Howth, we arrived at the side of the packet as the sailors on-board were busy in unbending the sails, preparatory to our voyage.
As the passengers rose from their seats, in order to embark on-board the vessel, I had a fair opportunity of surveying their persons. The number in the boat was nearly fifty, out of which I could easily distinguish about one-third to be cabin-passengers. The rest were mostly Irish haymakers, or, what in that country are called,
spalpeens,
who were going over to England to perform the drudgeries of agriculture, and be ready against the ensuing harvest.
When the captain had got them all on-board, he made them immediately descend, one by one, into the hold, or bottom of the vessel, where I understood they were to remain until the packet arrived at Liverpool, in company with four horses and a brood-mare, which were slung in the center, as their associates. When they had all descended to their wooden couch, the mate of the packet fastened down the hatch-way, and left them to shift for a bed below as well as they were able.
The company in the cabin consisted now of seventeen persons, among whom was a celebrated comedian, returning from his theatrical engagements in Dublin; a Methodist preacher, who had been propagating the Gospel in Ireland, agreeable to the doctrine of John Wesley; a Liverpool attorney; a Scotch physician; an officer of horse; a young Connaught noviciate, who was going to study divinity in the Irish college at Paris; a Quaker from Waterford, with his wife; a custom-house officer; a fishwoman from George's-quay; a young gentleman, going out as a cadet in the East-India Company's service; with a pawnbroker's widow and her two daughters; my master habited as a young lady, with a black bonnet and cloak; and myself.
After a vast deal of altercation about priority, in regard to the beds in the cabin, it was at last settled that the ladies should have the preference, and the men shift for themselves; a determination that seemed perfectly agreeable to all the company except the excise-man, who, grumbling at the decision, observed, that it was but just, as they all paid equally for their accommodation, that they should all fare alike.— He was proceeding in his remark with great bitterness, when the officer, approaching him with a stern brow, told him, that the ladies had done him the honour to put themselves under his protection, and, upon the strength of such authority, he requested them to take possession of those beds which were most agreeable to themselves.
At this laconic intimation, the excise-man thought proper to drop the subject; and, skulking into a corner by himself, the ladies proceeded to fix upon their place of repose, which was an inner room, detached from the cabin by a glass door, into which they all entered, my master included, and, getting into their several beds, prepared themselves, in the best manner they were able, to encounter that dreadful sickness, which a certain qualmishness in their stomachs informed them was very rapidly approaching.—As for the rest of the tenants of the cabin, they betook themselves to their several quarters with the utmost alacrity; and happy was he who could scud the fastest; for, having weighed anchor, and the vessel being under way, she began to roll in the waves from one side to the other, to the great annoyance of the squamish sons of fresh water, with which the vessel was crouded.
Night began to spread her sable mantle over one half of this habitable globe, when the captain, coming into the cabin, told his passengers that we had cleared the light-house, at the entrance of the harbour, and were now going right before the wind in the bay, with as fine a gale as heart could wish.
He had scarce made this declaration, when, in tacking about, the ship gave a terrible plunge, which so alarmed the Methodist, that, putting his head out of his birth, he asked the captain if he was sure we were all safe; if not, he begged him, for the love of God, to tell him, that he might have time to say his prayers, and intercede with the Almighty for the precious souls of the children of sin on-board, who had never known the comforts of the new birth.—"Oh! never mind trifles," replies the tarpawling, "I'll be damned but you're as safe here as in your own bed."—"Oh! don't swear, you monster of impiety," cries the preacher, when such wickedness, and profanation, is on-board, I should not marvel if we all went to the bottom."
He had scarce uttered the last syllable, when the fish-woman, who slept in the inner apartment, opened the door with her hand, and put out her head, which, notwithstanding the assistance of a dirty woollen night-cap, appeared as unamiable and hideous as the sign of the Saracen's, being covered with carbuncles all over, which made her look at a distance somewhat like a fiery meteor, or blazing countenance, with a pair of small grey eyes, that shone with unusual fury upon this occasion; — when this fish-dealing amazon had opened the door, she accosted the captain of the packet in the following eloquent admonition: —"Here's a pretty rig, blast my limbs, that I am to pay my good-looking guinea for sleeping here, and be disturbed by that canting, lousy, must-be-damned, scoundrel."—"Out upon thee, thou vile daughter of Satan," cries the Methodist. — "Out upon me, indeed!" cries the other, out upon yourself, you dirty, cowardly, snivelling, hypocritical, rascal."— I defy thee, thou ungodly woman," replies the preacher, "and, if you don't turn aside from the path of abominations, you will become as polluted as the whore of Babylon."
At the mention of the word
whore,
the fishmonger's lady, losing all patience, leaped from her bed with the agility of a greyhound, and, flying across the cabin, would have left the poor Methodist no reason to pride himself upon his admonitions, had not the captain, apprehensive of the consequences, interposed, and assured her, that he was certain the gentleman in black did not mean to offend her. — "How dare he call me
whore
then?" replies the enraged female, "I, to whose character no one dares say, black is the white of my eye." — "I did not mean to call you whore," says the other.—"Who did you call whore then?" says the oister-vender. — "Why, the pope of Rome," cries the Methodist, he is the great scarlet whore of iniquity, that, like a bottomless gulf, swalloweth up the blind and the unwary."—"And how dare such a fellow as you treat his holiness with irreverence?" cries the young noviciate, touched to the quick at the last declaration of the preacher's,
by my conscience, friend, you ought to have that tongue of your's cut out of your head, for making use of expressions so disrespectful to the sublime head of the catholic religion, so you ought.
This last acrimonious remark operated upon the mind of the Methodist like a spark of fire upon a train of gun-powder, for, in his religious opinions, he was inflexible as adamant, and would indeed have considered himself as a blessed martyr to the faith that he professed, had he died in the act of denying the pope's supremacy. Strengthened with this enthusiasm, he instantly turned about to answer the young champion of his holiness, who lay in a compartment immediately above him, there being three, one over the other, erected on each side of the vessel, to contain beds for the accommodation of the passengers.
As soon as the preacher had turned himself round, he began to inveigh most bitterly against the encroachments of popery on the liberties of mankind, and was actually proceeding, with all the vehemence he was able, to scandalise the infallible father and his followers, when the excise-man, who slept in the upper tier of beds, being seized with a sudden fit of sickness, and, to avoid bemiring his own nest with the nauseous contents of his stomach, pops his head over the side of the cabin, and instantly discharged, on the most moderate calculation, at least a quart of foetid liquids plump into the face of the angry Methodist, who lay upon his back, with his mouth wide open, railing, with all the fury of a bigot, against the young priest
in petto,
who had offended him, and was collecting all the force of his lungs to give a strong emphasis to the words
scarlet whore,
which he had repeated before with uncommon energy, when the excise-man unluckily disemboguing at that instant, the greatest part of the solid matter falling into the saint's mouth, made the best of its way down his throat, and, fairly choking up all the passages of speech, left the miserable disciple of John Wesley an object of pity and abhorrence.
It was some minutes before he could make his case known to the cabin-boy, who lay sleeping before the fire, which when he had effected at last with infinite difficulty, the young retainer of Neptune, with great composure, lighted a candle, and, seeing the forlorn state of the itinerant son of regeneration, instantly went upon deck, and, in the twinkling of an eye, brought down a mop and a bucket of salt water. With the former he rubbed off the filth from the face of the unhappy wight, and completed the act of purification by dashing the latter into his face, without either moderation or mercy; but, not performing the last operation with all that adroitness and dexterity which it undoubtedly required, a great part of the briny application running down his bosom into the bed, left him as fairly deluged in salt water as if the ship had sunk to the bottom of the Channel.
As soon as he had recovered the use of the organs of speech, he set up a dreadful yell, that made the cabin ring, which the major part of the passengers taking for a signal that the packet had met with some accident, and was foundering at sea, leaped from their beds, half dead with fear and horror, and ran after one another upon deck, like so many sheep through a broken fence, to see their danger, and, if possible, swim for their lives. The man at the helm, astonished at the unusual appearance of so many persons upon deck in their shirts, in the middle of the night, took them for apparitions, and was so appalled with fear, that, quitting his rudder, he made the best of his way up the shrouds, and left the vessel to the mercy of the waves, till the captain, who was sleeping in the steerage, hearing of the accident and outcry, ran up, and, finding the helm deserted, was almost frantic with madness, and proceeded to utter a volley of dreadful oaths; which the preacher no sooner heard than he began to admonish him for his wickedness, and, though half dead himself with cold, he could not resist so favourable an opportunity of reclaiming a sinner, and bringing him once more into the paths of peace. For this pious purpose he had mounted upon the hatch-way of the vessel, and began to exhort the ferocious commander to think of the perils of his situation, and not risk the salvation of his precious soul, in such an hour of danger, by expressions that were fraught with sin and unholiness; and, lifting up his hands, with great fervency, he was reminding them of the instability of their situation, and uttering that quotation from holy writ, which runs thus,
Now you see me, and in a little time you shall not see me,
when the vessel gave a violent heave, which not only drove the preacher from his temporary rostrum, but unfortunately pitched him head-foremost into the hold of the packet, where he alighted, with prodigious alacrity, amidst a number of poor creatures from Munster, who lay there huddled together on their passage to England for the purpose of making hay, intermixed with the horses, who were so much offended with the rude and unwelcome visit of the puritan, that one of them, who lay most convenient for the occasion, gave him such a tremendous kick upon his posteriors, as fairly drove him three yards distance against the side of the ship, where he lay, uttering the most piteous yells that were ever heard to issue from the lungs of a human being.
CHAPTER XXI.
The storm subsides. — The discomfiture of the itinerant preacher.—Unlucky consequences of my master's disguise.—A convivial party formed in the cabin.— An unfortunate disaster among the passengers.—They continue to practise upon the Methodist.—A mistake occurs which throws new lights upon the subject.
AS soon as the general consternation had a little subsided, and the company had congratulated each other upon their supposed escape from imminent death, a general inquiry was made as to the fate of the poor apostle, when, lo! he was brought down to his birth in the cabin in such a lamentable state, that it was the general opinion of the passengers that a final stop was put to his arduous labours in future, and that his religious peregrinations, in this world, would be no more; however, he was put to bed, with infinite caution, where he soon fell asleep, and convinced us, by the inelegant tones of his snoring, that he determined to remain among us some time longer.
The different parties were now courting a little rest, and endeavouring to compose themselves as much as possible, when the demon of discord, determined that our passage should be attended with little else than broils and battles, thought proper, once more, to throw his flaming brands into the bosom of our society; for, just as the different organs of the company were put in tune by the somnific hand of Morpheus, and playing a great variety of cadences in treble, tenor, and bass, a noise issued from the interior cabin, particularly appropriated to the use of the ladies, that discomposed the nasonic band, and instantly broke asunder all the delicate ties of harmony. Though we could not exactly distinguish the immediate cause of the dispute, the words
shocking, indecent,
and
abominable,
were easily to be distinguished, as they seemed to be delivered with great heat and anger.
Upon the captain's making his appearance, and inquiring into the nature of the disturbance, we found the cause to be exactly thus.—The pawnbroker's widow, who assumed an uncommon share of delicacy, in the whole tenor of her behaviour, since she came on ship-board, was situated, it seems, in the inner apartment, just opposite to my master, who, passing for a woman, in consequence of his apparel, was stationed among them; a place which he more eagerly embraced, thinking, that, in such a disguise, and in so retired a situation, he should run no possible risk of being discovered. However, fate so contrived it that it happened otherwise; for the calls of nature, in some particulars irresistible, forced my poor master to get out of his birth, to perform certain rites, which it is wholly impossible can be done by proxy: and it was in one of these critical situations that the delicate lady above-mentioned happened to espy my master; and she was no sooner convinced of the certainty of his being a man, by perhaps a too curious observation on her part, than she immediately began to reprobate his assurance, as she called it, in terms of the bitterest malignancy; in which she was presently joined by the rest of the females, who declared, one and all, that they would never set foot on-board the packet again.
At this moment the captain entered, and endeavoured to pacify them as well as he was able; and prevailed upon the lieutenant, after some entreaties, to give up his birth, which in some measure restored tranquillity among us.
Upon the entrance of my master into our cabin in disguise, it gave rise to a thousand jokes, which were circulated, with great freedom, at the expence of the lady who had caused all this commotion.
The good humour, that seemed to prevail among three or four of the most convivial of the passengers, induced them to a proposal of immediately getting up, and, by clubbing their sea-stores, to make a party at eating and drinking, in order to amuse the time until a prosperous gale should drive them to the British shore.—The lieutenant sang, the comedian repeated a variety of speeches from our most celebrated plays, to the manifest diversion of the company; the physician favoured us with a discourse on the
materia medica;
and the attorney informed us of a great cause he had obtained in Ireland for the widow of a marine officer, whose husband was shot in the act of fighting for his country, on-board a king's ship, in the Mediterranean; at the same time assuring us, that the only motive he had for prosecuting the matter was a desire to have justice done to the distressed; which last insinuation roused the attention of the custom-house officer, who swore, if that really was the case, the attorney must have altered his practice most cursedly, for that, to his certain knowledge, there was not a practitioner in the kingdom who had a keener eye to the profits of his profession.
This sarcastic remark of the excise-man seemed to call forth all the natural choler of the attorney, who retorted the charge with interest, and told him, he supposed, because he had been continually robbing the king, his master, of his dues, and plundering his subjects, he imagined every other profession was equally infamous and dishonourable.— There was a spirit of rancour and truth in this last observation, which worked upon the feelings of the excise-man so far as to induce him to lift up a stool, that stood near him, to chastise the aggressor, which, had the meditated blow taken place, would, in all human probability, have deprived the law of one of its noble members; but he, quickly perceiving the hostile intentions of the assailant, crept under the table, to avoid the impending storm, with the agility of a monkey, and remained there till the fury of the excise-man was appeased by the attorney's apology, which he made, without hesitation, in terms of the most abject humiliation.
Just at this instant the cabin-boy came down among us, and exclaimed, with great exultation, "land! land!" upon which the fish-woman, thrusting her head out of her birth, roared out,
Oh! for God's sake, don't talk to me of land, but bring me the pot!
upon which the boy, whose duty it was to administer that necessary utensil, whenever the patients could not do it for themselves, made haste to accommodate the fish-selling nymph, who, not thinking he had hurried himself so fast in her service as he ought, was attempting to scold him in her own language, and had actually got out the first syllable of the laconic word
scoundrel,
when her sickness overpowered her eloquence, and she fairly deluged the young master of the ceremonies with the foul contents of her overloaded stomach.
When the poor boy, who had fallen down under the weight of the salute, got up to shake himself, he looked like one of the naiads of Fleet-ditch, and, in all probability, would have been stifled with the unsavoury scent, had not one of the sailors, with infinite dexterity, seized up a pail of water, which stood in the cabin, and washed off the filthy ornaments from the young gentleman's head, who was restored once more to a state of purification.
By this time the Methodist, whose situation had become extremely irksome to him, got up and joined the company, who had met round the table, in hopes, by listening to the spirit of their lively conversation, to forget his own disgrace. His intention was no sooner manifested, than these sons of pleasantry made way for his accommodation, and insisted, in spite of his intreaties to the contrary, that he should sit at the head of the table, and give the company a sermon for the good of their souls. This invitation, which the preacher received in a literal sense, was highly grateful to his disposition, and pleasing to him in a spiritual light; for he had long broiled in secret at the impiety of their discourse, and would most willingly have corrected their manners; but the recollection of the recent misfortunes he had experienced, from his former endeavours to bring the captain of the packet into the road of salvation, was still uppermost in his imagination, and he thought it the more prudent step to conceal his disapprobation than venture the loss of his life a second time.
They had scarcely fixed the wandering saint in his new situation, when his health, and success to his mission, was proposed by all the company, except himself, to be drunk in a full bumper; to partake of which token of good fellowship he at last consented, with evident marks of repugnance.
During the time that was spent in persuading the preacher to take off his glass, the attorney, who sat at his right hand, contrived to substitute a large glass of brandy, instead of that which had been appropriated to his share, which the poor itinerant swallowed completely before he found out his mistake; but he had no sooner lodged it in the recesses of his stomach than he made many wry faces, and complained bitterly of the imposition. But the noise of his remonstrances was soon drowned by his associates, who, having by this time sacrificed to Bacchus with the zeal of true votaries, had become half-seas-over; and, so far were they from being disposed to listen to his complaints, that they absolutely compelled him to drink glass for glass, with this difference, that, while they were quaffing weak punch, the Methodist's glass was continually strengthened by a large infusion of strong spirits, which the conscientious attorney kept by him for that excellent purpose, till the blinking of the preacher's eyes sufficiently informed the joyous circle that they had overset his understanding, or, in other words, had fairly done his business; nay, so much had the liquor thrown the good man off his guard, that he actually proposed to sing a song, which being greedily acceded to by the company, he gave them a ditty, which he learned in the days of sin, ere the potent workings of the Spirit had effected his regeneration, and the efforts of grace had intirely subdued the old man within him.
When he had finished his song, he received the applause and thanks of the surrounding group, who now determined to crown him like a Bacchanal, and, stripping off his wig, they contrived to make a sort of wreath for his head; but the poor preacher, not used to receive such high tokens of honour, sunk under the weight of them in his chair, and, falling fast asleep, lay with his mouth wide open, snoring most tremendously. He had not enjoyed his slumber above a quarter of an hour, when the company were informed the vessel was in sight of Liverpool; and, upon a sailor's roaring out that he saw the
new lights,
the sound instantly vibrated in the ears of the drunken Methodist, who started from his sleep with the phrensy of a madman, and, reeling about the cabin, asked, with great vociferation, who had any thing to say against the
new lights;
if they had, he declared himself ready to defend them against all the arguments that could be brought to their prejudice by any child of Satan whatever, from Martin Luther down to Father O'Leary.
CHAPTER XXII.
The packet arrives at Liverpool.—Take a place in the stage for London.—Description of our fellow-travellers.—An accident that happened on the road.— We stop at Coventry and quit the stage. — Meet a sailor on his journey from Plymouth.
WHEN we arrived in the harbour of Liverpool, my master made what haste he could on-shore, giving me orders to follow him to the inn with his baggage. It was late in the evening when we disembarked, and I was preparing to make the most haste I could to obey the lieutenant's instructions, and thank my stars that had once more brought me on
terra firma,
when a rude fellow saluted me with great incivility, and demanded to know where I was going with my trunk. I instantly told him, if he had a mind to know he must follow me; upon which he informed me that such behaviour might do in Dublin, but that he would teach me better manners; and, immediately seizing my master's trunk, forced it from me; at the same time honouring me with the familiar appellation of bog-trotting idle scoundrel. This last piece of rudeness roused me to a state of desperation, and I was preparing to chastise his insolence, when a countryman of mine, who had overheard the whole business, informed me that it was my best way to make it up in the best manner I could, for that my opponent was an officer of the port, in the execution of his duty. I answered, if he was performing his duty, he should at least do it without insulting his betters. "Betters!" cried the enraged officer,
and whose betters do you call yourself, you Irish son of a whore;
at the same time assuring the company that I was a notorious smuggler, who wanted to run some prohibited goods, and offered a bet of a guinea, to any of the standers-by, that my trunk was full of contraband commodities. It was in vain that I assured him to the contrary; and, as I began to find that I had acted wrong in the first instance, I wanted to repair it by every submission in my power. But I mistook the road to the officer's favour, for the more I humbled myself, the more insolent and insufferable was his behaviour; and I certainly should have stood for an hour longer, arguing with him upon the honesty of my intentions, had not my countrymen whispered me in the ear to give him a shilling. I instantly took the hint; and the moment he felt the splendid coin touch his palm, his muscles relaxed into a good-humoured smile, and he told me, with a loud laugh, that I and my box now might go to hell together;— that he had at first taken me for a smuggler, but upon a closer acquaintance with me, why he had found his mistake; and, taking me by the hand, told me, he believed I was a damned honest fellow, and, that if he knew the house I was going to, he would come and drink a pot of beer to our better acquaintance. I accepted his offer, told him the sign of the inn, and, taking my trunk upon my shoulder, set forward to meet my master, who, I found, had been waiting for me with great impatience, having taken a place in the stage for himself, which was to set out for London in a few hours, and intended that I should ride on the outside.
The first thing that occupied the lieutenant's attention was to shake off his temporary metamorphosis, and once more to appear in his real character, which he effected with great expedition; and I had the trunk adjusted and packed just time enough for the coach, which had drove round to the front door to receive its new tenants.
When we came to the machine, we found a violent contest for precedency had taken place between an elderly gentlewoman, about fifty, who measured at least three yards round the waist, and a diminutive woman, who, from the severity of her aspect, bore strong credentials of being a neglected virgin: however, after a number of tossings of the head, flirts with the fan, and a prodigious interchange of ma'ams and misses, it was determined, by the master of the coach, that the overgrown gentlewoman should have the preference, upon the strength of her name being entered first on the books.
After them followed my master and the captain of a West-Indiaman, who had just arrived at Liverpool with his cargo, and was going up to London to the ship's owners.
While the inside passengers were regulating themselves, I mounted the roof of the coach, where I was soon joined by a jocose sailor, an Irish weaver, a young woman, who was going to town to her friends, and an old man, who was muffled up close in a frieze great coat.
In this manner we set forward; and, as I felt my situation very precarious, I took especial care to grasp fast hold of an iron which is nailed to the top of the machine, for the advantage of those persons, who prefer the benefit of the prospect to the ease of riding within.
We had not proceeded above nine miles, when an accident happened that discomposed the oeconomy of the whole stage system; for our coachman, who wanted to shew his dexterity, in turning the narrow corner of a village, missed his aim most confoundedly; and, whether it was owing to his want of address in the business, or the ungovernable spirit of the horses, I will not take upon me to determine; but certain it is, that he completely overset the machine, in the very worst part of the road that it could possibly have happened.
The violence of the shock luckily pitched me farther than my messmates, for I alighted upon a dunghil, without receiving any considerable injury, except a slight bruise. But fortune was not quite so complaisant to my companions, who were plunged deep into a stinking slough, that a neighbouring farmer had kept, time immemorial, for the purpose of mixing the manure for his land. The sailor and the weaver made shift to disengage themselves from the unsavoury lake; but it was far otherwise with the poor young woman, who had been thrown into the thickest part of the composition, where she lay in a miserable condition, like an amphibious monster, one half of her body being buried in the mud, from her head to her hips, and the rest kicking in the vacant air, tacitly asking the assistance of all well-disposed Christians to rescue her from a situation, in which if she remained but a few minutes longer, all human aid would, alas! have been ineffectual.
As for the old man, who had shared the same unhappy destiny, he made shift to crawl out more like a rat three parts drowned than a human creature, not having the smallest vestige left to ascertain the nature of the animal tribe he belonged to, except that he walked erect, and made use of two legs instead of four.
Nor was the consternation within the coach a whit less productive of disasters; for the company there had been thrown by the accident all in a heap, where they lay, intermingled in a rancorous state of enmity and discordance, hissing and annoying each other, like so many vipers at the bottom of a glass in a chymist's shop window.
The noise of this sudden catastrophe having reached the people of the village, they poured forth in numbers to the assistance of the unfortunate travellers: and the first step they took was to open the coach-window that lay uppermost, from which aperture they endeavoured to drag out the fat gentlewoman before-mentioned by the legs; but the poor fellow, who was most forward in the service, had good reason to repent his zeal in her favour; for she, not knowing the intention of the visit, no sooner felt a man attempt to get hold of those delicate members, than she gave him a most villainous kick in the eye, which stunned the poor devil so much that he fell senseless to his mother-earth: but, the party being instantly reinforced, they renewed the attack, and brought out the fusty amazon by main force, but not before she had secured the cap and head-dress of the lady who remained within, with whom, it seems, she had been maintaining a bloody quarrel, but had totally overcome her by dint of personal prowess, and brought out these emblems of triumph in her hand, which she brandished about, to the infinite diversion of the spectators.
After an hour's industry, on the part of the coachman, the affairs were tolerably adjusted, and the company were once more preparing to enter the vehicle, except Miss Tippet, for that I understood to be the lady's name, who had been so mauled and defeated within-side the machine:—she had determined to return to Liverpool, where she kept a millener's shop, and to bring an action of assault and battery against her opponent, whom we now found to be a tallow-chandler's widow, who was her next door neighbour.
After this denunciation of vengeance from the enraged maker of caps, we set forward once more, and, by the time we arrived at Coventry, from the scene of our disgrace, (in the interval of which nothing material happened,) my master was either so sickened with his companions, or fatigued with that mode of conveyance, that he signified his intention to the coachman of proceeding no farther; and, after bidding adieu to his fellow-sufferers, and giving the coach-man a shilling, to reward him for not quite breaking our necks, we took up our quarters at the principal inn in the city; at the entrance of which my master perceived an old seaman sitting at the door, taking out some tobacco from a leathern pouch. As the features of the man were familiar to the lieutenant, he asked him where he came from last; to which the sailor replied, from Plymouth, and that he was almost foundered on the journey. As the voice of distress
never touched his ear unnoticed, this was the best possible expedient the old tar could have made use of to have his wants supplied; for he instantly ordered the weary tarpawling to follow him into the parlour, where he made him sit down, and partake of those refreshments which he had ordered for his own particular accommodation.
CHAPTER XXIII.
The sailor gives a history of his adventures.—The vicissitudes of a sea-faring life.—An occurrence that proves many accidents happen between the cup and the lip.—The spirit of true philosophy to be found in all stations.—My master stops in Coventry.—I obtain leave to see a play.
WHEN the spirits and strength of the seaman were recruited by the good cheer he had enjoyed from the lieutenant's bounty, he gave the following account of himself, at his particular instigation.
Why, master," says the grey-headed tar, "as for the matter of that, my life is no great things;—I have experienced, to be sure, I suppose, like most part of the world, sometimes joy, and sometimes otherwise;—I have been beaten about in many a hard gale of distress, and, when I thought my hulk was near foundering, why, a lucky breeze has sprung up, and drove me into the port of happiness:—as for instance; now, this morning, I was cold, hungry, and tired, and I didn't know where to get a bit of bread in the varsal world; (that is, d'ye mind me, between this and the Pay-Office, for there I hope to get shiners enough;) and I knew it was no matter to be telling the people of these parts that I was a seaman in distress, for they look upon a worn-out old sailor as little better than a brute beast;—but we can't expect otherwise for the matter of that; for how should they know what belongs either to good manners or humanity, when they never were at sea? — but we can't make a silk purse of a sow's ear, as the saying is, so we must take the world as it runs, sometimes rough, sometimes smooth, ebb and flood, hey, master.
But, to come to the point, I have been to sea, man and boy, for the last forty years of my life.—I can't say that I entered into the service, because why, I was pressed on-board a tender, as I was going down one morning to carry some victuals to my poor mother, who then lay ill, and lodged in an alley, near Wapping, but she is dead now, and God rest her soul, I say.
Well, as I was saying, they stowed me in the hold of a tender, whence I was put on-board a frigate that lay at the mouth of the river, and was under sailing orders to cruise against the Spaniards, for we were then at war, you must know, with the
Mounseers.
Though I was a little down-hearted at first, my spirits soon began to revive; for my comrades told me that they expected to take some rich prizes, and, if that was the case, why, I should make my fortune. This was joyful news to me; and, so far from being backward in the business, my heart beat with impatience till an opportunity should offer of our coming to close quarters with the enemy:— and we were not long disappointed; for, the men at the mast-head seeing a sail, we immediately cleared decks, and bore down upon the vessel. After a run of two hours, we discovered her to be a ship of almost double our force, and would have tacked about, but, as it was impossible to escape her then, why, we resolved to give her as warm a reception as we were able, and, damme, to it we went ding dong, and, after a battle of two hours, we obliged the enemy to sheer off. We should have boarded her, indeed; but, half our crew being killed, and the other half desperately wounded, we could not muster hands enough to man the long-boat, so we were forced to relinquish our prize in the moment of victory; which was a damned hard case, master, considering as how she was a Spanish galloon, deep laden with the riches of Peru.—Our rigging and ship were so tattered with the heavy cannon of the enemy, that we were obliged to make the first convenient harbour to refit, which we luckily did in a day or two.
I forgot to tell you that I received a shot, as I was standing at one of the guns, which went clean through my shoulder, and so I was ordered among the wounded to the hospital, where, after remaining three months, I was pretty well recovered; and, as soon as I had sufficient strength to do my duty, was turned over to a third-rate, which was to compose part of a fleet of observation.
I remained on-board six months, when we returned to Gosport; and, as our ship was ordered to the East-Indies, I was advised to give a will and power to some friend in the town to receive my wages and prize-money, in case I should be killed in an engagement, or die at sea. I accordingly followed their advice, and left it with my landlord, Tom Handspike, who kept a gin-shop on Portsmouth-Common.
When our ship was properly victualled we set sail; and, after being beat about for upwards of two years, we once more paid a visit to Old England, where I resolved to settle, on my arrival, for life, and with part of my wages to set myself up in trade. But here I reckoned without my host; for my landlord turned out to be a damned big villain;—he had gone to the Pay-Office, hearing that our vessel was daily expected, and, taking a forged letter, to prove that I was killed on the coast of Brazil, received every penny of my money.
I was cursedly dispirited at this accident, not knowing where to get sufficient to buy me a dinner, when I met with an old ship-mate, who, reading the situation of my affairs in the lines of my face, lent me a guinea, with which I went and regaled myself, and, at the same time, inquired after an old sweetheart of mine, who lived in that neighbourhood. I soon found her out, and renewed our former courtship, and we were to have been married shortly after; but, going one morning to buy the wedding-ring, I was hailed by a press-gang, who hurried me away, a second time, in spite of my protection, which I had procured for my security at Portsmouth. As for complaining, I soon found that all was needless; so I bent my disposition to my fate as well as I could, and we sailed for the West-Indies, where I experienced more hurricanes in half a year than I had before in my long voyage to the Indies.
A flux and fever breaking out, among the crew, carried off great numbers; and the climate was found at last so destructive, and our ship's company so much reduced, that we were ordered home by the admiral, and arrived in a dismal state at Spithead, where the fever seized me in a most violent manner. I lay for six weeks in such a condition that nobody expected me to live; but, by God's help, I recovered at last, and had the mortification to find that the expences of my illness had reduced me to my last guinea; and I was the more chagrined as I wanted to buy some clothes, to appear as decent as I could, as I intended to make the best of my way to London to marry little Sall, and then to settle for life: howsomever, I made a shift, with the little money I had, and the credit I had procured at a slop-shop, to cut a tolerable figure.
When I was completely rigged I set out for Wapping, but, having no shiners left, I was obliged to walk the greatest part of the way, and arrived there in the evening; but, burn my old shoes, if the neighbours didn't tell me that little Sall had married a journeyman-tailor the week before. I own I was grieved to the soul at finding her false-hearted; but, nevertheless, I plucked up a good heart, (damme, we should always have a good heart, you know, master, let things go as they may,) and resolved never to think of matrimony again:—no more I have, master; for, from that hour to this I have been tossed about upon the wide seas, which, boisterous as they are, I sometimes think more constant than a woman's mind.
As I now thought of nothing else than passing a sailor's life, why, I have roamed about the world in all quarters, sometimes on-board a merchantman, and sometimes fighting for my country; and what man, master, would not like to fight for his country, if so be as how he could get any thanks for it when he's done?—Here am I just relieved from a French prison, where I was kept on a damned short allowance for nine long months, till I was exchanged and brought to Plymouth, from which place I have now been travelling, in hopes of getting my wages in London.—To be sure I have encountered some cursed hard rubs in the way; but what of that? every thing must have an end, you know, master; it will be all the same a hundred years hence; 'tis a long lane that has no turning.—Why, Lord help your honour, I knew you were a seaman when I first clapt my two looking eyes upon you.—There's a certain generosity in the face of an honest tar which isn't to be found in the rest of mankind;—damme, they are all so envious of each other, that their passions destroy their feelings, and they've no more notion of assisting a fellow-creature than an attorney, egad, has of going to heaven.
—Here the seaman having finished the account of his life, my master gave him a guinea, to drink the king's health, which the other accepted with warm tokens of gratitude, and took his leave.
The lieutenant expressing a strong curiosity to see the town, the master of the inn offered to accompany him, which proposal he readily embraced; and out they sallied for that purpose, having first given me permission to make what use of my time I thought proper till his return.
As I was sauntering along the street, I saw a croud gathered about a man with a drum, who was holding forth to the multitude which surrounded him, with their mouths wide open. As curiosity was ever one of my strongest passions, I made what haste I could to learn the propensity of his eloquence. When I came to the spot, he immediately sent a child to me with a play-bill, which announced the performance of the evening to be Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. As I had always a natural love for poetry of every denomination, I determined not to let slip so favourable an opportunity of indulging that inclination, especially as I had previously obtained my master's leave to make use of my time in any way most agreeable to myself.
CHAPTER XXIV.
I go to a tragedy.—A great nose more honoured in a strolling company than great abilities.—Evil consequence of illiterate critics.—The ghost proves his materiality.—A family quarrel.—The melancholy issue of public disputes.
ACCORDINGLY I suffered myself to be carried away by the invitation of the dramatic herald, and, inquiring for the gallery, entered the theatre, along with many others, brimful of eager expectation, to see the performance. The theatre was constructed with great ingenuity out of an old stable, and the only distinction made between the different places of boxes, pit, and galleries, was by means of a board nailed across.
As the audience, which was composed of a motley assemblage of different characters and ages, became riotous, an old man, with one eye, came into the orchestra, which was made out of a large box, with the lid taken off. After he had bowed respectfully to the company, he pulled from under his coat the instrument of harmony, and played, with excellent discretion, the well-known and celebrated tune of
Buttered Peas;
but, the audience growing particularly clamorous for
Roast Beef,
this half-sighted musician complied with their request.—From his appearance and execution he called strongly to my mind the old gentleman, whom I have formerly mentioned as the Orpheus that moved the bear to dance a
fandango,
when I had the honour of being first introduced behind the scenes of a travelling company in Ireland.
But the bell ringing from within indicated to the company that the play was going to begin; and, agreeably to the summons, the curtain was drawn, and discovered Francisco and Bernardo in close conversation. It was soon noticed, by the noisy part of the audience, that Bernardo's nose was of an uncommon size; and indeed it resembled more a protuberance of mulberries, which hung in rich clusters, than a human feature. I soon found that this gentleman was the most conspicuous personage of the drama; for he received more distinction, on account of that amazing ornament, than all the rest of the actors put together.
When the ghost made his appearance, it had a visible effect on the majority of my neighbours in the gallery, some of whom were almost petrified with awe at the dreadful solemnity of the object; but, as our admiration is built upon comparison of one thing with another, so did the ghastly appearance of the royal Dane operate to make the succeeding scene more captivating;—the reader will easily conceive that I can mean no other than the brilliant court of Denmark, which burst upon our sight with as much grandeur as the wardrobe could furnish, assisted by all the credit that the company could procure in the town for tinsel, tie-wigs, clean linen, and potlids.
As soon as young Hamlet came forward, all eyes were centered upon him, for he had long been considered as the Roscius of Warwickshire. I observed he made three solemn strides, then enfolded his arms and stood still; for which uncommon excellence he received the loud applause of the audience.—I was going to inquire of a person, who sat next me, into the reason of their applauding him so much above the rest, when my notice was riveted upon a comical fellow, who sat near me, roaring out, "Here comes Nosey!" which appellation I soon found to belong to my friend Polonius, who was the identical being that had five minutes before personated Bernardo with so much honour.
The unexpected salute of my friend in the gallery so discomposed the muscles of the whole court of Copenhagen, that, in spite of their best efforts to appear grave, a simper became universal, and it was some time before her Danish majesty could recover herself sufficiently to reprove the young prince for his unseemly melancholy: however, every thing went on very smoothly until Hamlet began his first soliloquy; but he had scarce uttered his wish, that
"His too, too, solid flesh would melt!"
than a countryman, who sat in the pit, bawled out,
Noa, noa, friend, you needn't wish any more of thy flesh to melt; why, mon, you're as thin as a whipping-post already:
and, indeed, though the observation was rather
mal-à-propos
in point of time, it was strictly justifiable on the score of truth; for the poor fellow, who played the character, had not flesh enough, upon his whole carcass, to give a cat a breakfast. However, this interruption was warmly resented by the friends of the performer, and a battle would have taken place in the pit, had it not been for the interposition of the manager, who had condescended to perform the King himself: he came round from the stage among the combatants; and, whether it was by the persuasion of his tongue, or the influence of his dignity, I will not determine; but he certainly restored peace to the theatre, and the players were ordered to proceed.
Every thing now went on in the proper
routine
of business, except in the scene between Laertes and Ophelia, when it was very palpable that the young lady had been imprudent enough to drink too much that afternoon; indeed she had hurt her memory so much by the sacrifices she had been making to Bacchus, that she scarcely remembered a single word of her part, and, in one particular passage, when the prompter neglected to assist the fallibility of her memory, she forgot her dignity so far as to damn him for a lazy son of a b—h; however, the indecorum was committed by a lady, and, consequently, permitted to pass without censure.
But shortly she was relieved from that temporary embarrassment by the entrance of old Polonius, the purple majesty of whose nose was a never-failing source of mirth whenever he came forward. Three times did he attempt to give the celebrated instructions to his son Laertes, and was as often obliged to desist, from the roars of laughter that issued whenever he opened his mouth. At last they were fairly obliged to conclude the scene without it, and poor Laertes was dismissed to France without the benefit of those solid apophthegms of wisdom and experience.
At the commencement of the second act, attention seemed to have resumed her throne, and every thing jogged on tolerably quiet till the closet-scene between Hamlet and his mother, when the Ghost made his
entré
with prodigious majesty. I should have before observed, that the wardrobe of this company being rather scanty, it was absolutely necessary to make a coat of mail for the spirit in question, there being no suit in their cabinet of wearables. To effect this in a hurry, they were obliged to sew a few pieces of pasteboard together, which, when covered with old play-bills, made a very tolerable
succedaneum
for the want of something more resembling the supposed habit of the departed Dane; and, indeed, considering everything, the poor Ghost acquitted himself tolerably well until the moment he was preparing to take his leave, when, unluckily, in facing about to the queen, to enforce the directions to the young prince to persevere in his conduct toward his mother, he was under the necessity of standing with his breech to the audience. Now the point of good manners which might have been invaded by this manoeuvre would have been overlooked with great good-humour, but the infringement on decency, that it occasioned, could not; for it must be observed, that the ghastly shade wore a black pair of breeches, under his coat of mail, which were rendered something the worse by the depredations of time; indeed so much so, that, between the legs, there was a rent of most capacious magnitude, out of which a remnant of the spirit's shirt hung in a most ungraceful manner.
This breach in the galligaskins of the Ghost was no sooner perceived by the motley audience than an universal uproar ensued, accompanied by incessant roars of laughter.—The poor fellow felt himself embarrassed; and, finding that his person was the center of the joke, turned himself to the right and to the left, but without the desired effect. At last, mustering up an unusual degree of courage, he stepped forward, and attempted to address the audience, but was most violently repelled with groans and hisses. At length, finding all his endeavours ineffectual to learn the state of their wishes, he was preparing to walk off; but had not got above a yard from the side-scene, when an unlucky spark, who occupied one of the side-boxes, set a large pointer, which he had with him, at the miserable remains of departed majesty, whom he caught hold of, just as he was slipping off the stage, by the shirt, which hung out behind, and which he shook, to the unspeakable diversion of the company, fairly dragging the unfortunate spirit to the center of the stage before he quitted his hold. Irritated to a degree of madness at this insult to his dignity, which was more than flesh and blood could endure, and eager for revenge, he tore off his paper armour in a twinkling, (which, indeed, was tantamount to his stripping in buff, for, the little shirt that he had left, and which composed the whole stock of linen that belonged to this calamitous son of Thespis, had been completely torn away by the fangs of the animal that had annoyed him,) and, coming to the point of the stage, offered to box the best man in the company for a gallon of beer: but the Ghost's challenge not being readily accepted, he misinterpreted their forbearance into a spirit of cowardice in the audience, and began to abuse them in terms which sufficiently proved, that his godfathers and godmothers had completely taught him the vulgar tongue, in the most extensive sense of the phrase.
Before he had proceeded far in his passionate address to the spectators, he was stopped by a domestic enemy, who, by her great zeal in endeavouring to regulate his behaviour, put a period to the dramatic entertainments of the evening. This heroine was no other than the unfortunate Ghost's wife, who personated her majesty of Denmark for that night; and, hearing of the misbehaviour of her spouse, hurried to the scene of action, with a full determination to punish her yoke-fellow for this breach of decency, which, she wisely apprehended, would be the ruin of her benefit, which was to have taken place the next evening. The furious lady, totally regardless of the dignity of the character she had assumed in the play, rushes on her ill-fated husband, and, by a well-directed blow, which, unhappily alighting on his eye, levelled the vaunting spirit with the stage. But, though it was evident that the salutation had disconcerted, it by no means subdued, him; for, springing immediately from the boards with great facility, he returned the compliment with such address as made the blood-royal of Denmark flow most copiously through the apertures of her majesty's nose. Now the audience, beginning to interfere warmly in the dispute, leaped upon the stage, and, dividing into different factions, each supported the object they thought most aggrieved; but, the majority turning eventually in favour of the lady, she gave her miserable husband such a drubbing as almost deprived him of existence, for he lay extended upon the scene of action sightless and forlorn, like one who was shortly to pay a long visit to the Stygian shore.
But it was ordered, by the inflexible destinies, that the perils of that evening should not end here; for, while the Amazonian queen was panting with her victories, and receiving the applause of her surrounding admirers, the manager of the company entered with two constables, and charged her majesty with a breach of the peace, and instantly ordered her to the county-jail, to remain there until time, chance, or circumstance, should enable her to satisfy him for the robes of royalty she had utterly destroyed in the engagement, and other properties, which he estimated at a very considerable amount.
It was at this instant that the misguided heroine began to perceive that she had been acting a very unprofitable part:—it was in vain for her to hope for relief; for, those very persons, who had been most instrumental in extolling her prowess as a bruiser, were now most forward in ridiculing her distresses.
As the husband, in the awful eye of the law, is considered as forming a material part of his wife, the wretched Ghost was lifted from the ground to accompany his lady to prison, as being responsible for her errors; to which place they were conveyed amid the shouts of an unfeeling multitude, who inevitably desert the objects that have delighted them, when their power to amuse exists no more.—The poor Queen, as she was hurried away, turned about, and surveyed the scene of slaughter with such a piteous look as brought the following lines to my recollection:
"The tempest o'er, and the wild waves allay'd,
"The calm sea wonders at the wrecks it made."
CHAPTER XXV.
We arrive at the metropolis.—I am discharged from the lieutenant's service.— Accosted in the street by a singular character.—Dine at a flying ordinary.— Account of my new companion.
WHEN this theatric feud had subsided, I returned home, and found my master had retired to bed, and left orders for me to be up early in the morning, as he intended to set out for London by break of day. I obeyed his directions, and about five o'clock the next day he hired a post-chaise, into which he took me as a companion, and we set forward for the metropolis, where we arrived the same night, after a journey of twelve hours, in the prosecution of which nothing unaccountable happened.
We took up our first night's lodging at the inn, where we were conducted by the boy who drove us, and I was awakened the next morning by a confusion of voices in the street, that, in my opinion, put all comparison at defiance. I lay, for some time, endeavouring to make out the sense of their cries; but that I found totally impossible, as every syllable they delivered was to me as unintelligible as if they had been spoken in Hebrew.
But, if my wonder was moved by the strange voices I heard, how much more was it excited, when I got up, by the astonishing objects that I saw!—At first sight the whole world seemed to me to be concentered in that amazing city; for, in no other manner could I account for the prodigious hurry of business that was evidently carrying on in all corners of the town, and the swarms of people that crouded upon each other in succession.—The more I contemplated that vast theatre of regular confusion, the more was I inclined to liken it to an extensive bee-hive, into which the industrious members brought their honey for the advantage of the commonwealth.
The second morning that I had passed at the inn, my master called me into the parlour, and gave me to understand that his private affairs would oblige him to go to Chatham the next day, and, as he was not quite certain of the time that he might return, he advised me to look about for another service; at the same time paying me my wages up to that month, and making me a present of a handsome compliment, over and above the amount, as a small reward, as he expressed it, for my good behaviour in his service; and, to prove that, even in the smallest particulars, he was not unmindful of my welfare, he accompanied his favours with a letter of recommendation to a relation of his, who lived in one of the new streets in Westminster, that, in case he was delayed in the country, by accident or otherwise, I might not want a friend to give me a good character.
At this last instance of his attention I could not avoid bursting into tears, and I even offered to serve him for nothing, rather than be separated from a master, to whose interest I was so firmly attached by the strongest ties of duty and affection; but, as my application on this head was fruitless, I was obliged to wander forth in search of a new employment, with a narrow purse and a melancholy heart.
After walking up and down the streets of the metropolis for some hours, I found myself in the neighbourhood of a place, which, on inquiry, I learned to be the Seven Dials. As my curiosity had been highly gratified by the numerous novelties that had presented themselves to my observation in the perambulations of the morning, I began to think of indulging another foolish propensity, which was, briefly, that of eating; for I found that a rebellion was forming in my intestines, and which, if not speedily overcome, would endanger the state, or, in other words, I should be confoundedly sick.
As I stood gaping about, to find out a proper place to satisfy that irresistible demon, called hunger, I was accosted very civilly by a person, who, from his appearance altogether, struck me as an oddity.—His dress consisted of a frock that still bore the remnants of finery, but appeared to have been originally made for the accommodation of another person; a dirty silk waistcoat, with some tarnished lace; a pair of buckskin breeches, and boots; his hair, which was rather scanty, and as grey as my grandmother's, was twisted and turned up behind, under a round hat, the brims of which seemed to have been narrowed by the niggard hand of oeconomy, for the laudable purpose of making it retain its black edge as long as possible. As he stood with his back towards me at first sight, I guessed him to be a smart young buck, about twenty years of age; but, when he faced about, to enter into conversation, I perceived him to be verging on the borders of fifty, and that all his smiles and complaisance (of which he possessed a great store) had not been able to defend him against the inroads of time, for the different muscles of his visage were harrowed deep with the fell lines of care, which intersected each other at right angles.
The polite address of this civil original at once surprised and pleased me; for, upon my informing him that I was a stranger, and wanted to know a proper place to eat in, he eagerly caught hold of my hand, and exclaimed with a laugh,
Curse me, but that's lucky for us both! for I have been meditating upon the same thing this half hour;
at the same time advising me to follow him. But we had not proceeded many paces, when he suddenly turned about, and inquired, with great earnestness, "if the captain was strong." As I did not understand the nature of his question, I stared at him with a little surprize; when he told me, with a smile, that he only wished to know how I stood for cash. I immediately pulled out the sum total of my wages; upon eyeing which he exclaimed, with the most lively transports,
Oh! damme, you are strong,—you can afford to dine like an alderman, I see;—come with me, and I'll introduce you to a house, in the next street, where you shall eat like a prince, and associate with none but gentlemen.
I would have answered this rapid address, being fearful that he meant to bring me into too much expence; but he did not give me that opportunity; for, darting along with the celerity of an arrow from a bow, he beckoned me to follow him, and, in a few minutes, we arrived at a house where beef, mutton, and veal, decorated the outside of the windows, and from the door of which issued such savoury steams as made me anticipate in thought the delicious joints that waited our disposal within.
Upon our entering this receptacle of the hungry, we were immediately ushered into a back room, in the center of which was a large round wooden table, and on its confines sat a number of persons, of all ages, countries, and complexions. We had scarcely saluted the company, when a dozen tongues bellowed forth at once,
How are you, Count?
and I should have been at a loss to know the person to whom so dignified a title was addressed, in such a place, if I had not seen my companion acknowledge himself as the person alluded to by various significant bows and grins, which he exercised towards his inquiring friends in a manner perfectly peculiar to himself, and unlike the rest of mankind.
As by this time our quota of beef was placed before us, with all the appendages of salt, mustard, &c. my friend advised me to fall to, and follow his example; but I, not doubting in the least that I had got into the society of some nobleman in disguise, was in a manner petrified with fear, and sat aukwardly, first surveying my plate and then my companion, my apprehensions having quite taken away my appetite, for fear I should be guilty of some impropriety before so respectable a personage. But it was far otherwise with my associate; for, though he had been accommodated with a plate of much greater magnitude than mine, and sat in a manner absolutely intrenched behind beef and cabbage, yet, wonderful to tell! in the course of five or six minutes, he made shift to demolish the whole with the most perfect ease and composure; and afterwards called for a slice of pudding, which he dispatched with the same facility; then, taking up his hat, he winked to the company, and, pulling me on one side, whispered, that he was going into the next square, where an aunt of his lived, who, by the by, would leave him more thousands than he had fingers, and that he should return immediately; but, in case that he met with a certain nobleman, whom he expected to see, and should be detained longer than ordinary, advised me to be under no sort of apprehension on that account, as he made it a point to dine at that house whenever he was disengaged from the
beau monde.
Though I could not well understand the nature of such an apology, from a man of his seeming importance, to an humble being like me, yet I made one of my best bows, and told him I should always think myself honoured to be blessed with his society. He appeared to take this declaration in good part, and, squeezing my hand, wished the company a good day, and instantly vanished from our sight.
He was scarcely out of the house, when I had the mortification to hear a thousand remarks made upon my friend, the count. One observed, at the same time looking at me with a significant leer, that the count was at home.— "Aye, damme," says a second, "tell me, did you ever know him out of his way?"— "No," replies a third, unless he stumbles upon a sheriff's officer."—"What, has he a dislike to the servants of justice?" says a fourth.—"Not absolutely so," rejoins a fifth, "'tis only a sort of natural antipathy, peculiar to that nobleman;— every man has his objects of aversion, and 'tis well known the count's dislike is chiefly levelled at tailors, attornies, and bum-bailiffs."
Though I did not clearly comprehend the meaning of all their discourse, yet I understood sufficiently to inform myself, that some of their expressions were not quite so respectful as I thought a gentleman of his amiable manners was entitled to; and I was actually preparing to leave the room, when one of the persons, who sat opposite to me, asked, with great seeming concern, how long I had had the honour of being enrolled among the count's friends; upon which I related the adventure of our meeting in the next street, and the kind method that he had taken to shew me a house of entertainment to satisfy the cravings of my stomach. — "Aye, aye," replies the person who questioned me, "the count, it must be allowed, is a very civil gentleman, but he generally thinks fit to confine this essential part of his good breeding to strangers."—"And foreigners, you will allow," cries another.—"Yes," rejoins the person who spoke first, "but that gentleman is no foreigner."—
Done
for a guinea he is," replies the other.—
"Done,"
says his antagonist; and immediately addressing himself to me, with great earnestness, asked, with many apologies for his impertinence, where I was born. I told him, without hesitation, in Ireland.—"There, damme, gentlemen," roars the person who proposed the wager, "I knew I was right, by G—d."—"Right!" says the other, "how can that be!—we all know that Ireland is but an extraneous part of England;—isn't it, sir?" says he, looking me full in the face.— "Yes, sir," replied I, half dead with confusion. — Upon which there was a general roar of applause, and each of the opponents, taking me by the hand, (which they shook with great violence, in token of their approbation,) declared, that I was a damned honest fellow, and they should be proud to be better known to me. I received this condescension in good part, and made them a low bow.
Here the discourse took another turn, in pursuing which they handled the character of the count with so little mercy, that I began to entertain some doubts of his quality. — But all these ideas, which I began to form to his disadvantage, vanished at the approach of the lady of the house, who informed me that I owed her five-pence for my eatables, and eight-pence for the count's; when I pulled out my scanty pittance, and discharged the reckoning, happy in having an opportunity of dining with a person of such distinction at so cheap a rate; for, as I heard the landlady mention his title, I had no longer any mistrust relative to his character in life; and, assuming a little effrontery, I asked the gentleman who sat next me if the count was a man of fortune.—"Oh! prodigious!" answered the other.— His estate is in England, I presume, sir," says I.—"No," says a queer-looking old man, whom I had not noticed before, "it's neither here nor there, friend." I was calling all my geographical learning to my aid, to find out that country, when another observed, that, to his certain knowledge, he was in possession of some of the finest lands in all Sclavonia.—"Oh! then, I suppose he's a German nobleman," replied I. —"He is," says the other, "and one of the most ancient in the whole circle of the empire."—Upon which I got up, took my hat, and saluted the company; which mark of respect, on my part, they all returned with tenfold interest; and then I issued forth from the house, highly gratified at the honour of so distinguished an acquaintance, which I resolved to cultivate with all the address in my power.
CHAPTER XXVI.
A grain of prudence more profitable than a pound of vanity.—The curiosity of the public is no proof of their sagacity.— Popular rage more dreadful than the sting of the law. — A great man in distress.—My reason blinded by my ambition.—Our reception at a porter-house.
ELATED with my success, and prodigiously vain of those abilities which had been the primary cause, as I imagined, of attaching so great a man to my interest, I began to form a thousand schemes for the improvement of my fortune; and could not help reviving the memory of my poor father and mother, who had taken such care of my education, that, should any of the count's friends think proper to employ me in the capacity of a steward, or otherwise, I was intirely fit for their service. — I had strolled through several streets, so absolutely wrapped up in my my reflexions on my future greatness that I scarce heeded or knew where, or on what purpose, I was going, till I came to the corner of a lane, when an accident happened that broke asunder the texture of my reveries.
I was walking along, with my arms enfolded in each other, and my head reclining on my breast, in deep contemplation, when I received a blow from the end of a ladder, which two men were bringing round the corner, that not only stunned, and deprived me, in an instant, of all powers of sensation, but, by the force of the blow, drove me backwards, at least ten paces, when I unluckily staggered against a tub that stood at the edge of the cellar of a public house, where some draymen were starting porter, which, giving way, accompanied me in the fall, which was at least six feet perpendicular, and I fell plump into an empty butt, which stood ready to be drawn up.
The noise, which the tub and I had occasioned in our descent, drew together all the people out of the alehouse to explore the cause; when, lo! poor Tony was discovered lying motionless at the bottom of the vessel. Every means was immediately put in practice to relieve me from so uncomfortable a situation; and, having dragged me up the stairs once more into the regions of day, they brought me into the middle of the tap-room, where a barber, who was present, undertook to bleed me, while another poured a glass of brandy-hot down my throat, in order to restore me to my strength and spirits.
Whether it was owing to the operations of nature, or the beneficial effects of the prescriptions of my physicians, that I recovered, remains, to this hour, undetermined; but certain it is that my spirits were re-established, and I was again enabled to pursue those avocations in life which were eventually to lead me into the temple of fortune.—As I walked along, the pain in my head, which my late disaster had occasioned, in a great measure reduced that felicity I should otherwise have enjoyed, in consequence of the pleasurable notions I had conjured up in my brain since my rencounter with the Sclavonian beau.
But I hardly knew to what point of the compass I was steering, when I arrived at a large stone gate, through which an immense number of coaches and carts were passing, without intermission; and my ears were dinned with a continual noise and uproar, made up of the bawling of dustmen, the rattling of carriages, and the oaths and execrations of coachmen and carmen contending, for priority of place, with as much vehemence and bitterness as if the contest was the most important circumstance of their lives.
As I stood contemplating that scene of blasphemy, I was surrounded by a number of idle people, who were listening to the strains of a ballad-singer, the tenor of whose song I perceived administered great pleasure to the auditory around her. I had scarcely been attentive above two minutes, before I heard sufficient to make me blush from ear to ear with confusion; and, skulking, unperceived, from the croud, I made the best of my way down the street, lamenting the defects of a police that permitted such public incitements to debauchery, wounding the morals of the rising generation, and annoying the ears of modesty, to be sung about the greatest avenues of the capital with impunity.
Full of these reflexions for the public good, I strayed along the path, till my progress was interrupted by a collection of men, women, and children, who were gaping, with their mouths wide open, at a wonderful piece of mechanism, affixed against a church, where two automaton figures, they informed me, would strike the quarters. I was wonderfully incited to be present at the operation, and, placing myself in the center, just opposite the scene of action, waited for the accomplishment of my desires with the most ardent curiosity. But, ere that event took place, the whole assembly was thrown into confusion by the detection of a pick-pocket, who had been making somewhat too free with the purse of a lady that formed a part of the inquisitive group.
When the culprit was brought forward, his appearance was altogether such as struck me with astonishment; for, conceive what my surprize must be, who had always thought that a thief bore his credentials to roguery in his forehead, to behold a slim young man, dressed, at all points, in the utmost extravagance of the fashion, and who protested his innocence in terms of the most elegant language, handled by a merciless mob as one of the fraternity of the lowest order of human villains; nay, I was in my own mind so perfectly convinced of the falsehood of the charge, that I felt myself frequently impelled to step forward in his defence; and I actually should have done so, if a very respectable gentleman had not declared that he was the most notorious pick-pocket about town.
As I was eager to be present at the punishment of a delinquent, whom the laws of the land seem tacitly to exclude from their protection, I followed the tattered cavalcade, who proceeded with their prisoner, close guarded, to the water-side; where, after taking him to some neighbouring barges that were laden with coals, they plunged him, unrestrained by a single emotion of pity, into the sable stream, where he was forced to remain for upwards of twenty minutes, floundering for his life amidst a congregation of filth, disembogued from all corners of the metropolis, and interlarded with dead cats, drowned puppies, stinking fish, and other offensive matter, more abhorrent to the sense of smelling than all the essence of Pandora's cabinet. When he had undergone a sufficient share of punishment for his mal-practices, a tender-hearted waterman,
"Touch'd with a generous sense of human woe,"
took the poor devil into his boat, and rowed away with the fallen understrapper of Mercury amid the discordant groans of the million that crouded the shores of old Thames.
As the evening was now approaching very fast, I thought it prudent to make the best of my way back to the inn, being a stranger in town, and not knowing where to procure a lodging immediately. I was on my way thither, resolving to get up early the next morning to deliver my letter to my late master's friend in Westminster, and afterwards to meet the count, agreeable to appointment, at the eating-house near the Seven Dials.
But, luckily, as I came to the foot of Blackfriers Bridge, I met my noble acquaintance once more. The rencounter happened as follows.—I saw a mob of people collecting very fast, at a little distance from the place I was passing; and, hearing some very high words pass, I walked up to inquire into the cause, when I beheld a woman, of a very vulgar appearance, who had fastened one hand in the collar of a gentleman, whom she was dragging along the pavement, while, with the other, she was threatening to knock him down, if he made the least resistance; and he, in the most piteous manner, was intreating the croud to take his part.
I was pushing the people on one side, to inquire more fully into the matter, when I beheld, to my utter grief and surprise, that the unfortunate hero was no other than the very individual count, who had behaved with such politeness to me in the preceding part of the day. I was so enraged to see the only gentleman I had met with since my landing in England, who, in my opinion, possessed either tenderness or urbanity, treated in such a rude manner, that I instantaneously lifted up my stick to strike the furious Amazon to the earth, in order to liberate my friend; but I presently found my arms were pinioned behind me by the mob, who reprobated my conduct, for endeavouring to rescue a man who had refused to pay his lawful debts. This charge made me fire with such rage that I could not avoid telling the fellow, who advanced it, that it was a lie; for the gentleman was my friend, and not only a man of honour but likewise of great fortune. This last expression roused the attention of the woman who had him in custody, and she instantly retorted, "He a man of fortune! —he be damned, a poor, half-starved, would-be, gentleman; — the devil take such mungrels, I say; — why don't he pay me my bill? — answer me that."—"And so he will, I am sure," replied I, "if your demand is a just one."—"Just!" says the furious gentlewoman, "and who are you, pray, that take upon you to dispute the justice of the matter, I should be glad to know?—will you pay his bill for him?"—"Aye, my dear friend, do," said the count, "and I shall be for ever devoted to your service;— it is but a trifle, only nine shillings and seven pence, upon my soul."— Yes," says his persecutress, "and it has been due these nine months for my hard labour."—Here the count desired to speak to me, and whispered in my ear that it was a trifling bill for washing, which he had incurred just before his last remittance from abroad, and that ever since it had slipped his memory; but he requested me, for the love of God, to pay the money, if I had it about me, and not let him suffer such a public disgrace any longer.
I felt my bowels of compassion incline very much to serve the disastrous nobleman, and involuntarily pulled out all the cash I had left except one guinea, which I had formerly sewed up in the waistband of my breeches, to stand my friend in case of any sudden emergency. When the scarlet-faced laundress saw me pull out my money, in obedience to the count's intreaties, she quitted her prey, and I paid her the amount of her bill. When she had fingered the cash, after looking in my face with a significant eye, she burst into a loud laugh, and, taking her leave, wished me joy of my new acquaintance.
As this disagreeable business was now settled, and the count emancipated from his fears, we thought of retiring to some house in the neighbourhood, to settle the plan of operations for the ensuing day.—I was looking about me, in search of a beer-drinking
caravansera,
when my facetious associate, taking me under the arm, informed me that he would conduct me to a house, not very far from us, where the porter was good and the company excellent.
As we proceeded along, I ventured to make my companion acquainted with the reduced state of my finances, and the little hope I had of recruiting it until I should get into some service. At the word
service
the count stared, and said, he conceived it impossible that a person of my accomplishments could think of subjecting himself to the whims and caprice of the first prince in Christendom; besides, added he, your education, I perceive, is liberal, your manners polite, and your person irresistible. —"Damme," adds the count, putting a glass to his eye, and surveying me from head to foot, "if I ever saw a prettier, tighter, lighter, more genteel, bit of humanity in the three kingdoms.— Oh! zounds!" continues he, "you must put the notion of servitude intirely out of your head, unless it is that of the ladies:—why, man," says he, "I'll introduce you to a circle of the first-rate toasts in the capital, all prodigious fortunes, and there's no doubt but you may marry the first woman you take a liking to."
Though I was charmed to extasy with the count's extravagant flattery of my person and mental endowments, of which I conceived no very contemptible idea myself, yet I could not resist pointing out to my companion some small impediments, which I imagined fate would throw in my way to bar the progress of my good fortune, namely, that of proper clothes to appear in. But I had scarcely hinted my doubts, when he kindly informed me that his wardrobe was intirely at my service, where I might pick and choose out of all the colours of the rainbow; at the same time asking me what colour I thought most advantageous to my complexion; and, upon my answering I thought blue was as becoming as any, he told me, with a face of deep concern, that he was cursedly mortified that the blue could not be had, for he had given it away but the morning before to a half-pay lieutenant, with a wife and seven children.—"Oh! my dear sir," rejoined I, "don't trouble yourself, the scarlet will do very well."—"The scarlet, you said," says the count.—"Yes," I replied, "if it was agreeable to him."—"Why, my dear friend," rejoins the beau, "it is perfectly agreeable, but, damn it, at present it's totally impossible; for I lent that very coat last week to a gentleman of my acquaintance to go to the opera; his own tailor, you must know, having disappointed him, though the scoundrel knew he was to be introduced that evening to a young beauty from Devonshire, with a fortune of thirty thousand pounds."— Well, well, sir, the first that comes to hand, then, will satisfy me," added I.—"Will it?—damme, now, but that's kind," says the count, squeezing my hand, "this is behaving like a true friend; you shall certainly be welcome to the first fuit that comes to my hands, I assure you."
The repeated excuses of my companion, added to a certain shabbiness of attire, awakened some doubts in my mind relative to his quality, which I could not intirely stifle, notwithstanding his apparent good-breeding and superabundant complaisance; but, as my knowledge of the world was as yet very limited, and, foolishly imagining that the language of the tongue could be coined in no other mint but the heart, I did not know but the count's attachment to old clothes was somewhat like mine to an old friend, because he could put them on and off without much ceremony. However, coming at last to the corner of a narrow court, badly paved and offensively dirty, we turned up it, and entered a public house by a descent of three steps from the street. Here I found likewise that my friend, to borrow a phrase of his own, was perfectly "at home;" for the whole congregation, recognizing his person immediately, saluted him by the familiar appellation of "Count, how are you?" I must own that the unbridled familiarity of such a vulgar group, towards a person of his rank in life, gave an additional wound to my faith relative to his quality and importance, and I resolved to seize the first opportunity of satisfying my scruples upon that head.
CHAPTER XXVII.
A proof of the ease with which great men can reconcile themselves to low company.—The pleasures of conviviality.—My apprehensions of sleeping in the street removed by the count's friendship.—Amused with a tale of a tub.—Find myself made an egregious ass.
BY the smiles of the landlady towards my companion, I perceived that he was no less than a warm favourite in her eye; for she came out of the bar, in which she had hitherto been engaged, accommodating a tailor's lady with a pint of geneva, and ushered us into a back room, the door of which was scarcely opened, when there issued forth such abundant volumes of smoke as could hardly be surpassed in the avenues of the infernal regions.
When we had taken our seats in this den of oblivion, (for the appellation of room it certainly did not deserve,) the clouds began to dissipate, that had made every object in the room impervious to my view, and I found myself flanked on each side with a society of mirth-inspiring mortals, who, by the trifling assistance of a pipe and a song, seemed to have totally excluded care from their magic cavern. After I was formally introduced to the society by my friend, as an honest fellow and a
bon vivant,
we took our seats round the table of Anacreon; and the president of the evening commanded silence for a favourite catch, which was delivered, in high style, by three of the members. After this followed a sentiment, which, as it savoured infinitely more of wit than decency, I shall forbear to repeat.
When it came to the count's turn to sing, he instantly gave them the well-known ditty of "Death and the Lady" in character, and interlarded it with such inimitable strokes of comic humour and expression of countenance, as made me well nigh burst with laughter. At the conclusion of this effort of the count's, the whole circle congratulated him upon the extensiveness of his risible powers.
Now it came to my turn to make an offering at the shrine of Comus, and I was requested by the president, in the name of the company, to favour them with a song. I made every apology to excuse the performance which my ingenuity could suggest, but found myself so hard pressed by the intreaties of my companions that I must have complied, if a good-natured young man, who sat at my left hand, and who perceived the embarrassment the request had thrown me into, had not voluntarily offered, with my permission, to become my substitute. As this proposal was backed by a few well-timed observations by the count, I was excused, and the business of the evening went forward as usual.
When it grew late, and the company began to drop off one by one, I communicated to my boon associate the necessity I was under of going to bed, and likewise told him of the engagement I had to fulfil the next day; but he comforted me, by the assurance that he would take care and find me a proper night's lodging. With this declaration I remained satisfied, as I was convinced that he must know the town much better than I possibly could, who had scarcely breathed in it above twenty-four hours.
As the bowl of punch, over which we held this argument, was now demolished, it was proposed to fill another, to which I offered some slight objections that were instantly over-ruled by the count, who, wholly regardless of my remarks, ordered it to be replenished, and then, whispering in my ear, informed me, that he would introduce me to the friendship of the young fellow who kindly sang in my room; who, he assured me, was a person well worth my acquaintance, and who would prove of great service to me in the pursuits which he intended I should follow, as soon as I had received a little of the polish, necessary to cut any thing like a capital figure in life. I thanked him for this new instance of his regard; and, agreeably to his word, he recommended me, in the most forcible manner, to the protection of his friend; having previously whispered him, as I supposed, to excuse the bashfulness of my demeanour.
Were I to set down one half of the compliments which were paid to the graces of my person, by the count and my new ally, during the demolition of the punch, you would naturally imagine that I was the vainest of all human beings; for, while one was praising the ringlets of hair that flowed loosely down my back, the other discovered that I had the best-turned ancle and the neatest leg he ever saw; observations, to which I gave full credit, as I really had some cause to value myself upon the symmetry of my limbs; and so much was I bewildered by the excessive incense of their flattery, that I did not perceive what was going forward till the landlady had absolutely made another bowl, and placed it on the table before us. Now the apprehensions for my health overcame every other consideration; for, not being accustomed to keep such late hours, and, besides, finding that the fumes of the liquor had mounted into my upper story, or, in other words, that my brain was affected, I made a motion for departing. But this the count absolutely forbade, and painted the dangers so forcibly, which a stranger to the manners of the town had to expect from walking, at such a late hour of the night, alone, that I trembled in idea, and began to use every persuasion to induce him to accompany me, which at last he promised to comply with as soon as he had demolished the liquor which so invitingly courted his embraces.
Here the count took an opportunity of informing our common friend to what purpose he meant to dedicate my personal accomplishments, which was no other than to have me introduced to the notice of some ladies of fortune and distinction, of his acquaintance, and, by the aid of a little manoeuvring, enforced by the beauties of my person, to snap up some young tit of quality, whose fortune would make me independent for life. I was so elated with this uncommon zeal of the count for my happiness, that my eyes swam with tears of gratitude and joy;—I thanked him in the most extravagant and lively terms of language, promising to obey his directions in every particular of my life; and would have prostrated myself at his feet, and called upon Heaven to reward his friendly heart, had he not absolutely insisted upon the contrary.
Now, the watchman giving us notice that it was between two and three o'clock in the morning, it was judged expedient to pay our reckoning, and depart in peace; and, upon the landlady's approach with her bill, I told her we would settle as soon as our companion returned; for, upon our mentioning the word
payment,
I had observed he took his hat and slipped out of the room. Here she thought proper to set me right, by assuring me that the gentleman we alluded to had been gone home above these ten minutes, and, probably, that she might not set eyes upon him for three months to come, and if she never did again she should not break her heart. Upon receiving this unwelcome intelligence, I asked who was to pay his part; to which she replied, that was a matter we should have settled among ourselves before he thought proper to decamp;— that she should look to me for the money, which I must pay her immediately, for she had a heavy bill to make up for her distiller, whom she expected to call the next day, and could not afford to lose her moderate profits in compliment to any vagabond upon earth.
Finding no resource left but by paying the money, I asked for her bill, which amounting to six shillings and nine-pence more than I had in my pocket, I turned about to consult the count what measure we must follow in this miserable dilemma, when, to my utter astonishment, I found he was gone also; however, imagining that he would shortly return, I sat in the utmost impatience, meaning that he should pass his word with the woman of the house for the remainder. But, having sat a considerable time, and no count appearing, I told the woman that I had not money sufficient to discharge the bill totally, but that I would give her what I had, and that my friend should be answerable for the remainder. — "What friend, pray?" says the lady of the bar.—"The count," answered I. —"The count!" replied she, in accents of disdain,
yes, yes, he is a pretty fellow, indeed, to pass his word!— why, my good friend, I don't know whether you're serious or not; but, give me leave to tell you, that I wou'dn't take his word, no, nor his oath neither, for six farthings, much less for six shillings.
—Here my choler rose, to hear my friend's character so villanously traduced; and, assuming all the importance I was able, I told her, she ought to be ashamed of mentioning the name of so accomplished a gentleman with disrespect.—"A gentleman, indeed!" replied the angry hostess, "a rascal, you mean! — why, he's as poor as a half-pay officer, and doesn't eat a dinner above three times a week, and that's at the expence of some credulous fool or another."
At this relation of the landlady's the blood forsook my cheeks, and an universal panic seized my whole frame; for, comparing the positiveness of her assertions with the apparent poverty of my companion and the shabbiness of his habiliments, I could not help giving full credit to her tale, though it was at the expence of my discernment as a man, and my dearest hopes for ever. The woman, perceiving my situation, and the callow innocence of my mind, offered to take what money I had about me, and a pledge for the remainder, until it should be convenient for me to call to discharge the whole. I was happy to comply even with this accommodation of the matter; and, after giving her all my cash, and depositing my silver shoe-buckles for the rest, I took my leave, and wandered forth in the streets of an unbounded and flagitious metropolis, to whose customs I was almost an entire stranger, at the dismal hour of three in the morning, without a penny in my pocket, or a friend to direct my steps; and continually ruminating on the complicated vices of mankind, which I found were hourly spread to delude the unthinking and unwary.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
I go to the assistance of a woman in distress.—Pay an unseasonable visit to the round-house. — Almost frightened to death with the apprehensions of being hanged.—Another rencounter.—Am carried before a justice, and relieved from my troubles.—Apostrophe on my last guinea.
AS I went along, musing on the iniquities of the world, my ears were assailed with the cries of a female. I no sooner heard the voice of distress than my feelings took the alarm, being always eager to remove the sorrows of any, but particularly a woman's. When I came to the place of action, I found a poor creature on the ground, struggling with a man, who struck at her several times; but, the moment her eyes caught my approach, she prayed, for the love of Jesus, that I would assist her. On such an occasion I never wanted any other monitor than my humanity, and, guided by that impulse, I entered into her quarrel with such zeal and activity, that, in less than ten minutes, I laid her oppressor breathless at my feet.
The noise of our combat had attracted the notice of some watchmen, who, gathering round us, made an inquiry into the nature of such a breach of the peace at that dead hour of the night. I was going to inform them of the true state of the matter, when the vanquished hero, who lay bleeding in the street, charged the watch to take me into custody, as a villain who wanted to rob and murder him. The words had scarcely escaped his lips, when I was secured by these honest descendents of Time, who, tally regardless of all my protestations to the contrary, conveyed me to the watch-house, accompanied by the wretch who had accused me, with his face and clothes besmeared all over with blood. As for the girl, in whose defence I had thus risked my life and liberty, she had thought proper to decamp as fast as possible from the scene of the affray, having solid reasons to dislike the society of a watchman, and a natural antipathy to the inside of a house of correction.
When we had made our entrance into the watch-house, I was brought before the constable of the night, whom we found in an inner room, enjoying himself with a pot of porter and a pipe, and assisted in the duties of his holy office by a drunken buck, who had taken up his night's lodging in the round-house, to see life, and enjoy a bit of sun. When the fellow, whom I had beaten, had exhibited his charge against me, in which he was supported by the watchmen, the constable, assuming all the magisterial dignity he was able, turning to me, said,
Well, you dog, what have you to say in your defence?
Frightened out of my senses at being brought to a tribunal of justice, I confessed the whole matter, from beginning to end, and had the consolation to understand, from the inebriate gentleman who sat by the watch-house fire, and who perceived my ignorance of the town, that I should certainly be hanged, for that there was not a shadow of doubt but the man would die. If he had taken a pistol and shot me through the head, it could not have more completely deprived me of the powers of sensation: — I stood, for some minutes, motionless as a statue; at length my tears made way for my relief, and I wept, with the utmost contrition, for the horror of an act that would not only take away the life of a fellow-creature, but involve my own in its dreadful consequences.
I had scarcely dried my eyes, when a man, of a very genteel aspect, entered with a ragged prostitute, whom he charged with having privately robbed him of his watch. It appeared, in the course of her examination, that she had conveyed it to a watchman, who, it seemed, went shares in her profits, and who advised her, in case the gentleman should return and claim his property, to charge him as having attempted to use her ill, and by that means oblige him not only to relinquish all farther claim to the trinket they had pilfered, but to purchase his release at a very considerable amount. But the gentleman, who was a rigid observer of the laws, was so far from being intimidated by the threats of the woman, or the apprehensions of appearing publicly on such a business in a court of justice, that he made it a point to have her secured, in spite of the manoeuvres of her friend and his fraternity. Upon her confessing the whole affair, and giving up the watchman as her colleague, who restored the gentleman his watch upon a previous promise of pardon, he consented to let her go; declaring, at the same time, that he should have found an uncommon satisfaction in bringing so infamous a villain, as the rascally retainer of time, to public justice.
As the petty feuds of the night are not to be discussed in watch-houses without some copious oblations to the shrine of Bacchus, the gentleman, in conformity to so laudable and established a custom, ordered a bottle of wine, over which the constable, the buck, and himself, sat discoursing for an hour, to the great joy of all the disturbers of the night; for the presiding magistrate was a man of such a convivial kidney as would not be called from the enjoyment of his bottle to settle the claims of justice, if they were even demanded by the first man in the kingdom.
After passing a most comfortless and horrid night, about nine in the morning I was taken up to one of the rotation-offices, and examined relative to the bloody charges exhibited against me:—I trembled all the way, and went to this mock-tribunal of legislative authority like a criminal under sentence of death; for I verily believed the hour was now arrived when I should end all my miseries by an ignominious death. But, fortunately, a circumstance took place at the office that changed my apprehensions into transports. Previous to our arrival, a gentleman, who had been robbed the week before on Hounslow Heath, had attended the examination of two men, who were taken up on suspicion of being guilty of the robbery; but, finding they were not the persons who had committed the fact, he was coming down the steps of the door, on his departure, when he met the whole troop, who were conducting me and my accuser before the sitting magistrate. Anxious to learn the cause of a piece of business so apparently dreadful, he turned back, and, just as I and the villain who had charged me falsely were brought to the bar, the gentleman, pointing to my prosecutor, exclaimed with a strong emphasis, like Nathan in holy writ, "Thou art the man!"— "What man?" replied the justice.— "The man who committed the robbery," says the gentleman. Upon the strength of his authority, the villain, who was endeavouring to harrass me for exercising the feelings of a Christian, was, in his turn, secured and examined; in the course of which he owned the commission of the fact, and in the confusion of his mind acknowledged that I had neither robbed or in any manner ill-used him, but ratified, in every particular, the account I had previously delivered before the constable of the night. In consequence of the happy issue of this woe-fraught adventure I was immediately set at liberty, and the poor devil, whose bones I had so belaboured in the morning, was handcuffed and conveyed to prison, to await, in durance vile, the awful sentence of the law.
When I found myself once more unrestrained, and in the middle of the street, at liberty to follow which path I liked best, I thought my heart would have leaped through my ribs for joy. My extacies were, indeed, somewhat allayed by the recollection that I had not a sixpence in my purse, but yet not sufficiently so to make me sad; for all ideas relative to money became now but a secondary consideration in my scale of felicity, and that circumstance, which would have made me wretched the day before, was now absorbed in the self-congratulations of escape from so perilous a situation:—so much does the happiness of our lives, as well as the beauty of objects, depend upon opposition.
As the perturbation of my spirits began to subside, a sense of the misfortunes that still hovered round me began to operate with accumulated force. I knew not whither to turn my steps to procure a dinner, much less all those comforts of which I had been deprived by the silly expenditure of my money in the pursuit of a shadow. In the bitterness of my anguish I cursed the hour that had first made me acquainted with the count, whom I now considered as the primary cause of all my woe, and vowed revenge, if ever time and opportunity brought him within my reach.
As I was musing deeply on the hard rubs of fortune that I had experienced, I luckily thought of the guinea which I had formerly sewed up in my waistband; and, instantly ripping it open with a pen-knife, I seized the hidden treasure, which I kissed with the rapture of a zealot; and, ere I put my resolutions in practice, which were to buy a pair of cheap shoe-buckles, and a few other indispensible personal necessaries, I could not help uttering the following rhapsody to my last guinea: —
And shall I never see thee more, thou lovely minister of all my pleasures?—without thy powerful assistance the goodly fruits, that issue from the womb of Nature, are tasteless, joyless, and insipid;— it is you alone can chear the human heart, and raise it from despondency; —you visit us as the harbinger of delight, and all the graces that adorn our state are crouding in thy train;— thy influence, more potent than the blandishments of beauty, can turn aside the stream of justice, shake the monarch on his imperial throne, and, by thy strength of argument, confound and destroy the long-prescribed distinctions, which equity and wisdom have erected on the precincts of right and wrong. — Alas! how ineffectual is merit, if not supported by your smiles! like the floweret in the Arabian desert, it blossoms unregarded and perishes unknown.—The love of thee even supersedes that of fame; for proud man would cease to be a hero, and the artist to be immortalized by the labours of his pencil, if cut off from the genial hope of thy embraces.—If Providence, in her bounteous dispensations, meant you as a blessing, why were you distributed with so unequal a hand? But, on the contrary, my reason assures me, that you were sent us as a curse, to poison the fountain of human excellence, to vitiate the heart, and shake the peace of society. The force of reflexion having dissipated my prejudices, I will lament thy loss no more, but chearfully resign thee, thou baneful minister of human evil, to the insatiate hand of avarice and ambition, and, living obedient to the dictates of morality, endeavour to be happy by the exercise of virtue.
END OF THE SECOND VOLUME.