THE ADVENTURES OF
ANTHONY VARNISH.
VOL. I.
THE ADVENTURES OF
ANTHONY VARNISH;
OR, A PEEP AT THE MANNERS OF SOCIETY. BY AN ADEPT.
Parva res est voluptatum, in vitâ, prae quam quod molestum est.
IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL. I.
LONDON: PRINTED FOR WILLIAM LANE, LEADENHALL-STREET. M.DCC.LXXXVI.
TO GEORGE COLMAN,
Esq
SIR,
I BEG leave to lay an inconsiderable trifle at your feet.— The motive, that impels me to such a proceeding, is too obvious, either to escape your notice or that of the public; namely, to place a weak bantling under the wing of a powerful protector.
I forbear to make use of that fulsome panegyric, so usually conveyed in dedications; first, because I should be concerned to see you placed on a level with persons who owe their consequence to false praise; and, secondly, because it is wholly unnecessary to tell the world, that you are not only one of the greatest examples of merit yourself, as an Englishman; but a warm patron, whenever you meet with it in others.
The following sketches are gleaned from the field of nature, and some of the portraits are copied, I flatter myself, with a faithful pencil.
If a perusal of them can make you laugh, in spite of the inroads of care, or the attacks of disease, I shall think myself sufficiently rewarded for my trouble.
I am, SIR, with great respect, your sincere admirer, and most obedient servant, The AUTHOR.
ADVERTISEMENT.
CONSIDERING the partiality that is entertained for novels in this country, it is much to be regretted that the generality of them are not written in a style and manner sufficiently excellent to justify so established a prejudice in their favour; — on the contrary, in very many instances, we find the characters are unnatural, the plot improbable, and the language flimsy and unmeaning. Besides, it is too often objected, by the thinking part of the world, that their tendency operates rather to corrupt the heart than to amend it, as the writers endeavour to throw a sort of pleasing and fashionable veil over the blandishments of vice, and make the habits of intrigue familiar to the minds of the female part of the rising generation, before they can form a proper distinction between right and wrong, which is doing a greater injury to public morality than is at first apprehended; whereas, if the scenes were drawn from real life, the reader may not only be entertained with the absurdities of the weak part of human nature, but at the same time gather experience from the ill consequences of their folly. But this is a species of writing either very little understood, or very difficult to be accomplished; for, scarce one in a hundred, of all the ladies and gentlemen who have favoured the world with what they call
novels,
have been able to effect it; and we are still left to lament, that the genius of a
Fielding,
a
Smollett,
or a
Goldsmith,
is not to be discovered in any of the modern compositions of that description.
THE ADVENTURES OF ANTHONY VARNISH.
CHAPTER I.
My origin and introduction into society.— A short account of my family.—My father's retirement.—His courtship of my mother.—Their marriage.—My birth. —The dreadful circumstance that accompanied it.—My mother's sickness and recovery.
AS some curiosity may be excited in the minds of those who shall peruse the following narrative respecting the place of my nativity, I have thought it necessary to give a brief detail of that as well as some other matters that respect my first entrance upon this great theatre, the world. I beg leave to observe, that a spirit of vanity by no means impels me to become my own biographer, as is frequently the case with certain great men, who (to use a pertinent expression from the facetious Harry Fielding upon a similar occasion) have been suspected to have lived an eccentric life, merely to have the pleasure of telling it to the world; no, I disclaim such an idea
in toto;
my motive is a sincere desire to oblige my readers of all parties and complexions; which they will readily give credit to, when they understand that the authors of my being were not remarkable for valuing themselves upon the honour of their house or the splendour of their situations.
I drew my first breath in Ireland, a country long since renowned for the hospitality and generous spirit of its inhabitants. The spot where I first opened my eyes upon the genial day was at a small cabin, on the borders of the famous bay of Allen, in the Queen's county. My father had served, with great credit to his country and honour to himself, in a regiment of horse at the celebrated battle of Minden, where he received a wound that incapacitated him from continuing in the army any longer. With the heart of a hero, and the resignation of a philosopher, he was found to quit a service, to which the habits of his life and a natural love for glory had attached him in a particular manner; the recollection, that he had been an active, though humble, instrument in the abovementioned gallant action, proved a source of happiness that cheered him to his grave.
Fatigued with the calamities of war, he pined to re-visit his native home, from which he had been separated five years;—a small portion of time perhaps to those whose hearts were never sacrificed to love and constancy; but it was not so with my father, for five years to him appeared as five thousand.
There lived, in the neighbourhood of my grandfather, a rich farmer, who at that time rented two hundred acres from the lord of the manor. By a course of frugality and industry he had amassed sufficient wealth to command the necessaries, and even the comforts, of life; but his riches did not consist in his money so much as in the possession of an only daughter, whom he tenderly loved, and expected to marry with advantage to a farmer's son, of the next village, of extensive property.
The fair Kathleen was the admiration of all the young men in that part of the country; but she treated their offers of marriage with scorn and neglect, which was universally attributed to her pride, though the real motive was a secret passion she entertained for my father. In the course of their rural occupations they frequently met; — a sympathy of soul rendered them pleasing to each other; — they looked, and frequently gave involuntary sighs, the meaning of which they could not comprehend;— they sought every opportunity of viewing each other, but it produced no other effect than riveting their chains the stronger. At last, nature, tired with the conflict, urged my father to a declaration of his passion; he seized the trembling hand of his dear Kathleen, and, pressing it to his lips, kissed it with an ardour that alarmed the natural modesty of his mistress;—the blood rushed into her cheeks, and, hastily withdrawing her hand, she reproved his warmth with an air of tenderness that tacitly encouraged the freedoms which her language affected to depress.
By repeated solicitations my father won her to declare that she would marry only him; but, prudence forbidding their union at that time, they resolved to defer the completion of their bliss till a change of circumstances should happen in their favour. Their interviews now became more frequent than ever, till their mutual passion at last reached the ears of her father, who, enraged, in the most peremptory terms of anger forbade his daughter ever to think more of her lover, whom he represented as utterly beneath her consideration or regard.
It was not long before my father learned the dreadful issue of their affections. In the first moments of his despair he determined to put an end to an existence, which was now rendered miserable for ever: he actually was preparing for that dreadful measure, when a ray of hope diverted him from the horrid purpose; his fainting spirits once more revived, and he resolved, if possible, to see his Kathleen once again. Cupid, ever attentive to the interests of his votaries, favoured his resolution; for, by means of a hind in the service of her father, he got a message conveyed to the mistress of his heart, earnestly intreating a meeting in the evening. She complied with his wishes, when my father, with tears in his eyes, took a final adieu; resolving, that the violence of his love should be no bar to the future happiness of his adored Kathleen.
After a solemn and sincere interchange of those sentiments which love inspires, they parted, with their eyes bathed in tears. My father, to forget his sorrows, repaired to a public house in an adjoining village, where, meeting with a recruiting-serjeant, who, struck with the manly beauty of his figure, made him a tender of his services, and courted him to join a regiment, then stationed in that county. Urged by despair, and willing to die, he accepted his proposal, joined the corps, and went abroad, where he was soon signalized for his bravery and good conduct. On the establishment of the peace he returned home, when, upon inquiring after his dear Kathleen, he learned that she had resisted every importunity of her father to marry, who, dying shortly after, in consequence of her disobedience left her destitute of a shilling.
My father soon discovered the place of her retreat, and, flying on the wings of love, he rescued her from that misery to which she was resigned, from an apprehension that her lover was no more. The joy that followed upon their meeting can be conceived better than described;—to be brief, they were married in a few days, and lived together many years afterwards, exemplary objects of mutual love and fidelity.
Two moons had scarce wasted, since Hymen smiled upon their wishes, when my mother exhibited evident signs of pregnancy: every care was taken by my father, every consolation administered, that could reduce the pains of her situation; he viewed the progress of her state with joy, anxiously looking forward to the time that heaven should vouchsafe to give them an offspring, equally dear to both.
My mother had advanced into the eighth month of her pregnancy, when my father, labouring one evening in his potatoe-garden, was alarmed with the cries of a female. He immediately rushed, as it were by instinct, to her relief; but who can paint the anguish of his soul, when, looking over the hedge, he perceived my mother prostrate on the road! he instantly raised her up, and, inquiring into the cause of her affright, learned that a bull, driven by some boys, rushed by her when she was on the return from market, when her fears had overcome her so far that she shrieked and fainted away.— Luckily the place of her accident was within a hundred yards of her own cabin, to which she was conducted by my father with all possible tenderness, who, placing her in a chair, began to rub her temples, and exercise all those little assiduities which are so pleasing to the human mind in the hour of sickness or distress. But, notwithstanding his utmost efforts, my mother grew still worse; when, calling in the assistance of a female neighbour, she pronounced she was in labour. Upon this declaration she was put to bed, and every assistance procured that the country could afford. Three quarters of an hour after the arrival of the midwife I was brought forth, and by her triumphantly displayed to my father as one of the finest male children that ever she had the happiness of introducing into this scurvy, motley, world of disquiet and vicissitudes. My father could not conceal his rapture at my infantine beauty and shape, notwithstanding the moans and agony of my mother, who lay writhing under the pains with which heaven has thought proper to accompany the dearest consequence of wedded love.
However, what with the tenderness of my father, and the administrations of the midwife, in about a fortnight the rosy hue of health began to re-assume her throne on the cheek of my mother; her vivacity returned, my father rejoiced, and every necessary preparation was made to render the approaching christening as splendid and happy as the narrow circumstances of my family would permit.
CHAPTER II.
My christening.—Am sent to school.—The delight which parents take in the improvement of their offspring.—Sent to a schoolmaster. — My astonishing progress in learning.—My father's death. —My mother's melancholy.—Her death. —The beginning of my distresses.
THE time prescribed by custom having arrived, when it was thought proper to give me a Christian name, a select number of relations and friends were summoned to attend the ceremony. Among the rest was an uncle of my father, who had signalized himself, upon many occasions, in rendering him every service that lay in his power; and, to manifest his gratitude in the best manner he was able, my father resolved that I should be named after him;—I was accordingly christened ANTHONY, (that being the name of the old gentleman,) with all due rites and solemn preparations. It were needless to recount all the little pleasantries and harmless jokes which passed in that rural, though friendly, circle upon the occasion; good humour presided at the humble board, and gave a charming zest to the joyous entertainment. After each guest had drunk a health to young Anthony in whiskey-punch, the merry group separated, and sought their respective homes, highly pleased with the conviviality of the evening.
When I had arrived at the age of five years it was determined by my fond parents that I should be sent to school, and an opportunity offered at that time which it was thought necessary to embrace.—The widow of an excise-officer, who had been left with a large family, in indigent circumstances, was advised by her friends to open a school, for the education of children at a certain age, to assist in the support of her young family. I was accordingly sent to Mrs. Goodman, with a strong charge from my father that she would instruct me in my letters with all possible expedition, and an intreaty from my poor mother that she would not whip me, for fear of spoiling my disposition.
I attended the school regularly for three years, morning and afternoon, at the expiration of which I had made such a progress in my learning, that I was spoken of as a prodigy for my years;— I not only did great credit to the endeavours of Mrs. Goodman, but gave infinite satisfaction to my poor parents, under the idea that they had not bestowed their money for nothing. This part of my education stood them in half-a-crown a quarter;—an inconsiderable sum to the affluent and the vain, but a very important one to my father and mother, the former of whom laboured at husbandry for the poor pittance of sixpence per day, and the latter spun yarn for a much less consideration.
From this school I was removed to learn Latin and writing at a hedge academy, kept for that purpose by a Romish priest, who had been degraded for mal-practices in his profession by an ecclesiastic synod of his own persuasion. I had not been six months in my new situation, when, by the quickness of my parts and the cunning of my address, I gained an entire ascendency over the will of this country pedagogue, which was considered as a very flattering circumstance, as Father Doolough was not remarkable for the gentleness of his disposition or the charity of his opinion. However, the gratitude of my parents did not suffer his partiality to their child to go unrewarded; every little opportunity was seized to send his reverence a present of some fresh butter, milk, and a piece of pork every Christmas, when they killed a pig. It must be owned, to the generality of my readers such acknowledgements will appear trifling; but the cheerfulness with which they were given was more than a compensation for their deficiency in value.
I made an astonishing progress in my learning for my years, and could construe the easiest of the Latin authors with tolerable facility, when a dreadful accident happened, which proved, in its consequences, a fatal wound to my prosperity.—My father, returning home from a neighbouring fair, where he had been to purchase a cow, was thrown from his horse, and died upon the spot. When the news was first brought to my mother she was deprived of her reason, and did not recover the use of her understanding until the remains of my much-lamented parent had been deposited to sleep with his fathers:—from that moment she gave herself up a prey to grief and lamentation; a rooted melancholy fastened on her mind, and, secluding herself from comfort and society, her constitution was greatly impaired; the little property that their parsimony had gathered together was now diminishing daily, her dearest concerns were neglected, and even my presence ceased to give her pleasure. After languishing for a few months, the cold hand of death put a final period to all her miseries, and left me an orphan, at twelve years of age, to struggle with a base world in the best manner I was able.
CHAPTER III.
Enter into the service of Father Doolough.—Become the object of his hatred.—Lament my situation.—Account of my master's niece.—An accident occurs for which I am punished with great severity.—My elopement from school.—Arrival at a hedge alehouse.— A description of the company.—The influence of priestcraft.—A bloody affray, and its dreadful consequences.
AFTER the burial of my mother, a cousin of her's, who entertained a sincere regard for her memory, and being a man not wholly unacquainted with the impulse of humanity, undertook to put me in a situation that should be most likely ultimately to turn out to my advantage. After devising various schemes, it was settled between him and my schoolmaster that I should remain in the house of Father Doolough, and, by serving him in the capacity of his boy, endeavour, by waiting upon his person, sweeping the school, and performing numberless other little offices, to repay him for the charges of victuals and education. I entered in this new department with more cheerfulness than could be expected from a child of my tender years, who had so recently been deprived of parents, whose only wish was to render him happy. But many days had not passed over my head before I felt the loss of their protection and kindness. My master, being naturally of a morose and saturnine disposition, seemed to single me out as the object of his resentment, when any accident or untoward circumstance made him angry. One evening, when he returned home from a neighbouring village, I perceived his countenance, naturally stern and forbidding, heightened with an unusual degree of severity. He called for me to take off his boots: I went, trembling with apprehension, and had scarce laid hold of his foot, when he gave me a kick, which laid me senseless on the floor; at the same time loading me with the most opprobrious epithets, calling me an aukward rascal, and that I was not worth bestowing bread and water upon. I made all possible haste to retreat from his fury and abuse, and, hiding myself in the school-room, gave vent to a flood of tears, which in some measure relieved my heart:—I considered that as the first lesson of all my future sorrow; I bewailed my condition in terms of regret and despair; but, knowing of no remedy but patience, I resolved to bear up under my misfortunes in the best manner I was able. When I had indulged myself in these reveries for about half an hour, I was visited by my master's niece, Judy, a good-natured girl, about five years older than myself, and who compassionated me from a spirit of sympathy, as her uncle, notwithstanding the tie of consanguinity, very frequently used her in a manner to the full as cruel and unjustifiable.
In this manner did I live for a whole twelvemonth, the humble, helpless, victim of an unfeeling barbarian, and probably should have continued much longer, had not a circumstance occurred which determined me to change my situation at all events.—Unfortunately for me, some boys, belonging to our school, had broke into the fruit-garden of a gentleman in the neighbourhood, and not only stripped the bushes of all the gooseberries and currants they could meet, but committed various other wanton depredations, such as breaking the fences and destroying the flowers. A formal complaint was lodged by the gentleman, whose gardener swore positively that he saw a boy in the garden, and traced him as far as the school. The boys were all severally examined, and, dreading the schoolmaster's vengeance, stoutly denied the fact. My master, thinking some expiation absolutely necessary to appease the gentleman, and not being able to charge the theft home to any one, very charitably fixed upon me, who, he asserted, was the most probable person in the school for an action of that enormity, from the wickedness and bent of my disposition. It was in vain that I fell on my knees, and protested I was innocent; his heart was steeled against my prayers, and, the more I insisted on the cruelty of punishing me for the fault of another, the more he maintained that he saw guilt in my face. He ordered two of the stoutest boys to take me on their back, and, uncovering my posteriors, flogged me, in spite of my lamentations, until the blood started at every blow. When he had satisfied his brutal inclination, I was released, a spectacle of misery and pity.— My resentment taught me inwardly, for the first time, to mutter curses on so inflexible a tyrant: — I meditated numberless schemes of revenge; but the tenderness of my years, and the fear of the consequences, always deterred me from putting them in execution.
When I found myself pretty well recovered from the hard punishment I had undergone, I took a firm and determined resolution to leave the house for ever. I kept my purpose secret until the moment of putting it in execution, when I took the opportunity of the pedagogue's absence from home to effect it. I took leave of his niece with tears of regret, and, wishing her everlasting happiness, set forward in the wide world, at thirteen years of age, without a parent, friend, or benefactor.
After wandering for an hour through by-paths, and across the most unfrequented fields, to avoid meeting my master, (the idea of whom was shocking to my imagination,) I came to a little, mean-looking, cabin, which, by the well-known symbols, to Irish travellers, of a pipe and a rag stuck in the thatch, I knew to be a house of entertainment for weary wretches like myself, who, after travelling all day, solace themselves with clean straw in a corner, for the small consideration of two-pence per head.
As I approached nearer to this humble mansion of hospitality, I heard a noise, resembling a confusion of voices, all engaged in conversation at the same time; and, above all, I could easily distinguish the melodious tones of a bag-pipe. With some little apprehension I entered the cabin, and soon learned the cause of all this merriment, which was no other than a parcel of country people, who had assembled at this
shebeen
house, as they term it in Irish, to wake the body of the man's wife who lived there.—As this is a custom not known to the generality of my readers, I will give them an explanation.
When any person dies in Ireland, among the lower orders of the people, it is usual for the neighbours to assemble, for a day or two previous to the interment of the body, at the house of the deceased, whose nearest relations always provide a sufficient quantity of whiskey and tobacco for the accommodation of the guests: and these meetings are always most numerous when the deceased has been particularly well-beloved; for the circumstance of dying, in that country, is not considered among the peasantry as a matter of sorrow, but rejoicing; and this opinion is founded on the best idea imaginable, which is, that of the defunct's having been removed, by the will of heaven, from a situation laden with anxieties and trouble to a state of everlasting joy;— and the poor cottager, possessing such principles, may look down with contempt on the affluence and vices of the great world.
After a few questions from the landlord I was introduced among the festive group, who, sitting on the ground, had formed a circle round the dead body, which was placed in a coffin, in the center of the apartment, elevated upon two stools. In a distinguished place in the room there sat a little squat man, with a loose great coat thrown carelessly over his shoulders: he seemed about fifty years of age, with a countenance remarkably carbuncled, and so red and inflamed, that he looked at first sight like a flaming meteor: he had on a large bushy wig, without powder, a flapped hat, and boots, notwithstanding which I could see plainly that his legs, when he stood upright, formed a parenthesis, or, in other words, were extremely bandy. By the silence that was observed, whenever the little man opened his mouth, I soon found out that he was no other than the parish-priest, who had rode two miles on purpose to pay this mark of his respect to the memory of the deceased, for whom, I understood, from the insinuations of a part of the company, he had a particular degree of esteem when living; so much so, that the foul voice of scandal was not wanting to assert, that her godly confessor, in their hours of private devotion, had a much greater regard for her body than her soul; which opinion I the more readily gave credit to, as I perceived that the widower did not pay those tokens of attention and profound respect to the priest as were reasonably to be expected, and that he bore the loss of his wife with as much indifference and philosophy as if he had been educated in St. James's parish.
After the whiskey had circulated pretty briskly, I saw the eyes of the ecclesiastic begin to twinkle with strong symptoms of intoxication; and the strength of the liquor had so far over-powered his understanding, that he voluntarily proposed giving the company a song; which being assented to, with the lungs of a Stentor he bellowed forth the Wedding of Baltimore; and, being joined in chorus by the rest, they made the room echo with a noise so loud as must have waked the deceased, if any thing less than the last trumpet could have roused her from the still-sleep of death.
When the noise subsided, the priest called for his horse, signifying his intention to depart; and, getting up, staggered to the coffin, which leaning over, he uttered the following incoherent ejaculation:—"You know well enough, without my telling you, that you,— you,—you, are my shep—shepherd, and I am your flock, and that you,— you,—ought to be after doing nothing, d'ye see, withou—ou—out my orders."—No, Father Shaughnessy," cries a fellow half drunk, "there you're out, for we are the flock and you are the shepherd."—"No bocklish, my dear," says the priest, "it's all one for that, honey;—but you,—you,— are an imper—r—tinent vagabond, so you are, to be wanting to be teaching your betters;—and, now I think of it, you hean't been at confession since last Aester, for which omisshon you will go to the devil, — Mister Terry, d'ye hear that?—And I'll tell you a little bit more for your comfort, Mister Terence Maclachlan, (for that I think is your ugly name,) if you don't pay your dues to the church more punctually, by my own soul, and I'm not jasting, my dare, I'll be after excommunicating your mother's son, d'ye see."—These last words operated like a clap of thunder on the ears of poor Terry, who promised obedience to the reverend father with the most servile submission;—when the priest, addressing the company once more, enjoined them to be very circumspect in their manners, and, above all, not to get drunk;—"Arrah, now be temperate, my jewels; temperance is a very great vartue," says he, "and drunkenness is little better than a deadly sin;—so, mind my words, and be good Christians;—if you don't, why, bad luck to you."
After concluding this eloquent and pious harangue, the good man's powers of persuasion forsook him, and, falling fast asleep over the dead body, he began to snore louder than the bass note of a cathedral organ. The husband of the deceased, slapping him on the shoulder, informed him that his horse was at the door, when he reeled out of the room with infinite difficulty, and, bestriding his garran, rode off towards his own home.
When the priest had left the room, whose appearance, even drunk, kept them in some awe, they gave a loose to all those indecent sports, which they could not, with any propriety, act before him. It was immediately determined to hunt the brogue, a pastime peculiar to that country. The mode is this:—one of the girls takes off her shoe, which is there called a brogue, and the company, sitting with their knees bent, forms a passage to convey the brogue from one person to another; for, in the quickness of the conveyance consists the merit of the game.
They had not pursued their diversion for above ten minutes when a very serious affair took place. Darby, who had a vast deal of roguery intermixed in the particles of his composition, in searching for the brogue under the legs of a young woman who sat next to him, made a terrible mistake, which laid the foundation of much confusion and bloodshed;—in short, totally regardless of the suggestions of delicacy, he laid his hand upon a part of the young lady, which gave her such offence, that, with one blow, she laid him sprawling on his mother-earth. Her lover, who was one of the party, being made acquainted with the nature of the transaction, took the part of his
enamorata,
and aimed a blow at the head of the aggressor, which unluckily alighting on the
cranium
of a drunken tithe-proctor, who was fast asleep, he awaked in the utmost rage, and, demanding the name of the person who had presented him with that friendly salutation, he returned the compliment with so much interest, that he made his assailant stagger under the blow, and fairly knocked him over an old woman, who, having taken too copious a quantity of whiskey that evening, was evacuating in a corner the foul contents of an overcharged stomach. The young woman, perceiving the disaster of her sweetheart, flew upon the proctor, with the fury of a lioness in defence of her young, and, fastening her nails in his visage, made such incisions as drew forth the blood, which ran in torrents down each side of his face.
Now the riot became universal.—The old woman, enraged at the treatment she had met with, seized the hair of the young man with one hand, and, catching up an earthen jug, which lay by her, with the other, made such a powerful application of it to his head, that, if his scull had been formed of penetrable materials, must have done his business completely; however, quickly recovering, he turned round, and gave the old sybil such a stroke on her face, as actually drove the remains of an old canine tooth, the only one left in her head, fairly down her throat. The landlord interfered to put an end to the combat, when, unfortunately, in a struggle for superiority between the old hag and her adversary, they overset the stools which supported the coffin of the deceased, which, rolling on the floor, contributed to render the scene more dreadful, and so affrighted me, that, using all the expedition I was able, I made my escape from a scene that struck me equally with terror and amazement. In my hurry out of the cabin I quite forgot to pay my reckoning, and would have instantly returned to discharge it, if I had not been prevented by my fears.
CHAPTER IV.
Am exceedingly frightened.—Arrive at a town.—The hospitality of the poor natives.—The good nature of my land-lady's son.—Our supper.—Reflections on mankind.—A gleam of hope.—My spirits are revived by the good offices of my benefactress.
AFTER running for a full hour, until I was quite out of breath, without once turning about or looking behind, I perceived, by the great quantity of smoke that issued from a valley at a distance, that I was not very far from a town. Emboldened by this discovery I mended my pace, and arrived there just as night began to spread her sooty wings over the darkening world. Overcome by my exertions I sat myself down at the door of a cabin, and began to ruminate in my mind what step I should pursue.—I looked over my money, and found it amounted to one shilling and nine-pence halfpenny; a sum by no means inconsiderable in my eyes at that time.
As I sat brooding over my misfortunes, I was accosted by an old woman, who, perceiving me fatigued, invited me into her cabin, and offered me some butter-milk to assuage my thirst. I thanked her for her kindness, and, finding her a humane, benevolent, poor creature, I told her of my distress, and unbosomed myself to her with all the frankness of innocence. She pitied my situation, and offered me every service in her power. She requested me to rest in her cabin that night, and that, in the morning, she would inquire in the town, and see what she could do for me. I would have gone and purchased something for supper, not being willing to be too burdensome to her; but such was her spirit of hospitality that she would not permit me.—She informed me that she had buried her husband for many years, and owed her present subsistence to the goodness of her son, (whom she expected to return home from his daily labour every minute,) and to what little she could pick up by going out to nurse in the town and neighbourhood.
Here she broke off her discourse to introduce me to her son, who now entered the room, with a scythe in his hand, the sharp part of which was bound round with hay. As soon as he understood my situation from his mother, he told me I was heartily welcome to my bed and my supper; and, immediately taking a piece of dried beef, which hung suspended from the rafters of the cabin, cut a large slice, and, giving it to his mother, requested her to boil it that evening, with some potatoes, which he meant as an extraordinary dainty, prepared as a compliment to me, and to manifest that hearty welcome, which is universally paid by the inhabitants of Ireland to every stranger that comes within their gates.
During the preparation of our homely repast, my kind host entertained me with an account of the town, which, he informed me, was composed principally of French families, or their descendents, who were, on the whole, a very good sort of people; — that, as far as they were able, they gave bread to the poor; but, there being no manufactory of any sort carried on in the place, the majority of the inhabitants were frequently in very great distress for want of employment.
By this time, our supper being ready, we sat round the table, when, being naturally bashful and reserved, I, at first, are but sparingly; but the importunities of my kind host and his mother at last removed all restraint, and, giving way to the keenness of my appetite, I made a most hearty supper; after which we all prepared for rest, my host inviting me to a share of his bed. I undressed, and, getting into bed, could hear my benefactor recommending himself to the protection of the Almighty with the most fervent zeal and piety.
At that moment I could not avoid reflecting upon the great difference we perceive in the dispositions of the human race, and formed a striking contrast between the behaviour of the young man and his mother, which appeared to me in a light so perfectly amiable and praise-worthy, and the tyrannic, brutal, spirit which actuated the breast and conduct of my late master:—young as I was, I strove within myself to account for such a seeming want of virtue in particular individuals; but, the subject being of a nature too deep and abstruse for my comprehension, I lost myself in conjecture, and slept till morning.
As soon as the crowing of the cock proclaimed the return of day, my bed-fellow, springing from his humble couch, put on his clothes, and, saying a short prayer, wished me a good morning; and, taking his scythe, proceeded to a renewal of those labours, in the execution of which his heart is happy, his fellow-creatures assisted, and his Creator pleased.
After the departure of my friend I composed myself to rest a second time, and was awakened in the morning by my kind benefactress, who informed me, with great satisfaction in her countenance, that she believed she had heard of a place that would suit me. A physician of the town had parted with his servant the day before, and wanted a smart boy to supply his place.—"To be sure," added she, "the doctor is reckoned in the town but an odd sort of a man, and is not over liberal to his domestics; but he is looked upon as extremely skilful in his profession, and has a vast deal of practice all over the country.—Now," says she, if you are agreeable, I will speak this morning to my friend, who shall take you with him to the doctor."
I was overpowered with joy at the news, and eagerly thanked the poor woman for the interest she had taken in my affairs; and, getting out of bed, I dressed myself with all possible haste, to be ready to attend my new master whenever I should be called upon.
CHAPTER V.
My benefactress returns.—I am introduced to my new master.—Entertain no very advantageous idea of him.—His treatment of a patient with a broken leg.—His singular ideas respecting human nature.—Jokes ill-timed, when at the expence of the miseries of our fellow-creatures.—A striking specimen of my master's oeconomy.
AFTER waiting about a quarter of an hour, Mrs. Commins (for that was the name of my kind hostess) returned, bringing with her a young man, whose face, if it is to be considered as the index of his mind, proclaimed him to be remarkably stupid.—"Here, Mr. Rhubarb," says she, at the same time presenting me to the person in question, "is the young lad that I was speaking about;—if you will use your interest with Dr. Calomel, and get him into his service, I shall be for ever obliged to you:—I have conceived a great partiality in his favour, and I have no doubt but the doctor will think himself obliged to us both for the recommendation."
The young man asked me if I was willing to go to service; and, upon my answering in the affirmative with great readiness, he desired me to come along with him, and he would do my business. Mrs. Commins thanked him, and said, that heaven would reward him doublefold for the kindnesses he was shewing to a poor orphan, helpless and unbefriended.—I took my hat, and prepared to follow my conductor, but not before I had seized the hand of my benefactress, and, wanting words to thank her for such an instance of friendship and generosity, I bathed it with my tears. She kissed me, and bade me be a good boy, under which injunction I departed, and, with sear and trepidation, followed Mr. Rhubarb to the house of my new master.
Upon our knocking at the door, and inquiring for Dr. Calomel, we were desired to walk into the parlour. When we entered, I saw this grotesque son of Esculapius reclining in an arm-chair, amusing himself with the perusal of that celebrated key to the sublime parts of natural knowledge, called Aristotle's Masterpiece. As his person struck me, in the
tout ensemble,
as strongly partaking of the singular and ridiculous, I shall attempt a description.
He appeared somewhat turned of fifty, in stature about four feet nine inches, with a complection so nearly approaching to the Ethiopian, that I should have concluded his parents were natives of Africa, and subjects of Prester John, if I had not been assured, upon credible authority, that they were an honest couple of French refugees, who had fled into Ireland in consequence of the edict of Nantz.—His nose was short, with a round nob at the end, somewhat like the top of the handle of a kitchen poker; and his face was farther embellished by an enormous wide mouth, which appeared, when he laughed, to be bounded only by his ears. — His eyes were small and black, yet piercing and animated; and, when he rose to receive us, I perceived that his knees formed two angles, which crossed each other alternately as he walked.—He had on a large thick woollen night-cap, tied under the chin; a camblet gown, manufactured in the good days of Queen Elizabeth; a black waistcoat, embrowned with snuff, which he took in prodigious quantities; leather breeches, unbuttoned at the knees; coarse worsted stockings, and a pair of green slippers, that seemed, by their patches and appearance, to have been in the doctor's service, a considerable time.—
"Aye, aye, Master Rhubarb," says the doctor on our entrance, "what, you have brought me another patient, I see;—I suppose, now, his constitution is ruined by some ignorant member of the faculty, and you have brought him to me to patch it up as usual.—Tell me, boy," says he, addressing himself to me, and putting on his spectacles, "how long have you been ill?—what's your disorder?— come, shew me your tongue."— Doctor," says my friend Rhubarb, as soon as the astonishing loquacity of the physician would give him an opportunity to put in a word, "you are deceived; this boy is not ill,—he is come to offer his services to you, to supply the place of the lad you have discharged."—"Oh! ho!" says this retainer of death, evidently disconcerted at his own want of penetration, "that alters the case! no, no, I'll be sworn, if he is come to serve me, that he is well enough, egad;—he will eat his allowance, without much solicitation, I'll be bound for him.—There's that rascal, Peter, I turned off, would eat you his pound of solid beef at a sitting, with as much ease as I can draw a tooth! — damme if a dozen such hungry dogs would not breed a famine in the country!—Well, where the devil did you come from?" says he, turning to me, "where did you live last? who'll give you a character?"— Here my friend Rhubarb proceeded to tell the doctor my situation, and concluded with observing, that he believed I was willing to leave the articles of wages entirely to his generosity. At the mention of the last article a smile of complacency stole across the visage of the physician, who, stroking me over the head, assured me, that, if I became his servant, and behaved myself well, I should never want for proper encouragement. Upon my making a low bow, and thanking him, he bade me wait till he should have occasion for me.
Now Rhubarb and the doctor, having seated themselves by the fire-side, began to discourse upon the effect of the several medicines that had been administered to Calomel's patients in the course of the preceding week. By the course of their observations, I soon discovered, to my utter astonishment, that gambouge and brick-dust, Scotch snuff, chalk, and vinegar, made up the principal part of every recipe that the doctor had issued for the last twelve months, totally regardless of the disorder, whether gout, fever, lax, pox, or consumption.
After this conscientious physician and his understrapper had diverted themselves, at the expence of their patients, for some time, an object of misery was brought in to the doctor for advice; upon which Mr. Rhubarb, wishing him a good morning, took his leave, and my master proceeded to examine the object alluded to, which was a woman turned of forty, with a pallid, emaciated, countenance, and her body and legs so swelled with a dropsy that the members of her frame seemed to have lost all proportion.
When the doctor had surveyed her for a few minutes, he very gravely asked the poor sufferer what she wanted with him: she replied, she hoped, that, under heaven, he would cure her.— "Cure you, woman!" replies Calomel, "why, you're in a confirmed dropsy!" —"And is there no relief?" added she, in a tone fraught with anguish and despair.— "Relief! aye, aye, I can relieve you, woman, as to that matter."— If you can," says the woe-begone wretch, lifting up her hands as in the act of prayer, "I pray that God may reward you hereafter."—"I have no sort of objection to a reward
here
as well as hereafter; — you understand me."— Oh! sir, I do," replies the unhappy being; "but, alas! I am poor, and have not the power;—I was left a widow, with a large family of young children, who will incessantly pray for your health and prosperity."—"Aye, aye, my good woman," replies the disciple of Galen, "I am much obliged to you for the intention; — but, d'ye hear me? get home as fast as you can, and I'll contrive to give you some ease in about a couple of hours." —"In two hours, sir!"—"Yes, I'll come and tap you, as they do the small-beer barrels, though, I'm afraid, for one quart of water I shall find two of whiskey; is'nt so? — Damme, I should not be surprised if the whole country was in a dropsy; for three-fourths of their existence are dedicated to drinking and sleeping." —"Oh! sir," says the emaciated object, wounded to the quick at the cruel insinuations of my master, "I assure you I never drink spirits of any kind." —"Oh! Lord, no, to be sure," says the doctor, "you drink whiskey!— I beg your pardon; — no, no; — whiskey, indeed!" says he, "it's water!—yes, yes, you are all damned fond of water;—you sleep with water, get drunk with water, and wallow about the streets like a sow in a dunghill! — however, good woman, go about your business." — Upon which the poor creature took her leave of this physical brute with tears in her eyes.
She had scarce got out of the doors, when another unhappy claimant made his appearance. This was a young man, who, in thatching an outhouse in the neighbourhood, by his foot slipping, had fallen from the top of the building into the street, and broke his leg, and was conducted to the house of Calomel to have it set. (For the doctor was not only the principal physician, but likewise surgeon and man-midwife to half the county.) After they had placed the unfortunate young man in a chair, my master began to examine the limb; while he was performing of which the poor fellow looked most wistfully in the face of the doctor, as if anxious to learn his fate by the turn of his countenance, which Calomel perceiving, he heightened the apprehensions of his patient by exercising the most significant grimaces, (in the whole art of which he was an adept,) and, at times, shaking his head, as if seriously alarmed about the consequences of the fracture; which he continued to exercise, with other gesticulations, until he had worked upon the fears of the poor lad so far, that, in the utmost vehemence of despair, he asked the doctor if he must lose his leg? to which question Calomel replied in doubtful terms. He began to bewail his misfortune, which the doctor treated as a jest, telling him, at the worst he could but lose his leg, which was a circumstance not so unfortunate as was generally imagined, when he considered the great savings that are made in the articles of shoes and stockings. With a number of witticisms of this nature he entertained the miserable wretch (who lay writhing with pain) while he set his limb; after effecting which he consigned him to the care of his friends, promising to call the next day to see how he went on.
By this time I had conceived the most unconquerable aversion to my new master, both for his principles and practice;—I looked upon him as a monster, utterly devoid of humanity, callous to the misfortunes of his fellow-creatures, and a dishonour to his profession.
After the doctor had dispatched the young man with the fractured limb, he gave orders that he would see no more paupers that morning, as the hour had arrived when it was usual for him to visit his out-door patients. While he was adjusting his wig, which forms no inconsiderable part of a physician's consequence, his friend Rhubarb paid him a second visit. I soon understood that this gentleman was as necessary to the doctor's operations as his right arm.— I learned, from a neighbour, that Mr. Rhubarb was an apothecary in the town, whose practice had been exceedingly diminished by the irregularities of his conduct, and more particularly by a small mistake which he made in the recipe of another physician, which was no other than administering an emetic, of three times the strength prescribed, to a young lady, the consequence of which mistake was no less than the instantaneous death of the patient. As the physician partook of the odium affixed to the blunder of the apothecary, and getting into disrepute, it proved a matter of the most satisfactory nature to the malignant spirit of Calomel, who secretly rejoiced at the event, inasmuch as it was a deep wound to the reputation of the physician, who had heretofore been a formidable rival to Calomel upon all occasions.
After giving me directions to tell any person who might call upon him that he should return in the afternoon, this redoubted son of Galen, attended by his medical assistant, set out to visit a patient, who resided about four miles from the town, and to whom Calomel wished to introduce Rhubarb as the apothecary;—for what reason, it is presumed the reader is already sufficiently acquainted.
CHAPTER VI.
An account of my master's study.—The arrival of a relation.—My master's ideas of human wisdom.—A picture of the physician's oeconomy.—The dinner.— My master's exordium, by the way of grace.—His description of the town.— He indulges his malice at the expence of his veracity.—His propensity to humour.—The departure of the guests.
AFTER the departure of the doctor, and his brother in iniquity, I began to take an accurate survey of the apartment, which he dignified with the name of Study. In a glass case, in the middle of the room, there was, preserved in spirits of wine, a great variety of uncommon animals, insects, and reptiles, and, among the rest, a human foetus, as it is situated in the womb after four months conception.
On the shelf, over the fire-place, were the sculls of an European, an African, and a monkey, by a comparison of which I perceived that there was a strong resemblance between the
cranium
of a man and that of a monkey; but particularly so in that of the negro, the formation of which approached so near to that of the monkey that there was scarcely any difference, except in the disproportion of size.
His collection of books consisted principally of Cheselden's Anatomy, a few numbers of the Medical Magazine, Cowper on midwifery, a French edition of Boileau's poetry, a Latin dictionary, and an old bible.
In one corner of the room stood a wig-block, unoccupied, and, in the other, a case, containing an imperfect skeleton, at the first sight of which I thought I should have dropped dead with affright.
On a peg, in the middle of the room, hung a scarlet cloak, which, with six crazy chairs, a folding-table, and a draught-board, completed the furniture of the room.
When I had satisfied my curiosity, I began to peruse Cheselden's Anatomy, and was amusing myself with looking at the cuts, when I heard a loud double knock at the door, on opening of which a gentleman on horseback inquired if Dr. Calomel was at home; to which I answered in the negative, but at the same time informed him, agreeably to his directions, that I expected him home to dinner; upon which the gentleman desired me to acquaint my master that his name was Rapine, and that he should do himself the favour to dine with him on his return from the inn, where he was going to put up his horse.
The stranger had not been gone from the door above half an hour when my master arrived, accompanied by his zealous adherent, Rhubarb. He inquired if there had been any persons wanting him since he went out; upon which I informed him that Mr. Rapine had been there, and acquainted him with his intention of dining with him.
At the mention of the name of Rapine, I perceived the muscles of Calomel to distend with smiles of secret satisfaction:— "Od-so," says he, turning to Rhubarb, "a cousin-german of mine from the north, from whom I have great expectations! — he is a great wit, a manufacturer of
bons mots,
and a very tolerable hand at the violin;— he has amassed a prodigious sum in the service of his majesty."—"What, he's been some naval or military officer, I suppose," says Rhubarb, who, after a life spent in honourable fatigue, has retired, to end his days in peace and solitude beneath the shade of his own laurels."—"Why, not exactly so," replies the doctor, my cousin has never had the honour of exposing his person on the quarter-deck of a man of war, or in defending a battery against the approaches of an enemy; no, my dear Rhubarb, excuse me, we have no such fools in our family;—Mr. Rapine has served the king, it is true, but, between ourselves, where he studied the interest of his majesty in one instance, he was wise enough to take care of his own in ten;—you understand me," says Calomel, putting his finger to his nose, with a significant leer. —"Oh! perfectly well," says the pliant apothecary.—"He was, for the space of seven years," continues the doctor, a collector of excise at —, in the county of —; but some of his indirect practices being discovered, in spite of all his cunning and address to hide them, he was, in consequence, removed from his employment, but not quite destitute, as my indefatigable relation had taken care to amass a fortune in that situation, amounting to very near twenty thousand pounds." — Upon which my master retired into the kitchen, to give orders for something extraordinary for dinner that day, which he intended should be in a style of elegance, superior to his ordinary mode of living, on purpose to entertain his wealthy kinsman, and left poor Rhubarb in amazement at the industry and enormity of Mr. Rapine's character; from which reverie he was awakened by the arrival of the doctor's guest, who entered the room with that self-consequential mien, which is ever to be met with in those worldly grublings, who have gathered and scraped a fortune at the expence of all the good and noble characteristics of a man.
He had scarce seated himself, when my master, running into the room, and embracing his cousin, professed himself much honoured by his visit, which compliment Mr. Rapine returned with great formality and reserve. The doctor seized his hat, whip, and coat, with that kind of obsequious officiousness which would be highly painful to a generous mind; but it was what the doctor well knew would be extremely pleasing to his visitor, the bent and turn of whose disposition he had long studied with a particular degree of attention.
The three worthies (for the doctor had invited Rhubarb to partake of the entertainment) trifled away the time in discourse until I was dispatched by the housekeeper (for the doctor was never married, having a peculiar aversion to the female sex) to inform them that dinner was on the table; at which joyful summons I observed Rhubarb to smack his lips and rub his hands with great energy; but a visible mortification and disappointment appeared in his visage, when, hastening into the dining-parlour, he perceived the rigid oeconomy of the physician's table; however, after exhibiting some small signs of surprize, he sat down to dinner with his companions; which consisted of a tureen of meagre broth,—the scanty remains of a scrag end of a neck of mutton,—a potatoe-pudding,—a dish of
colcanon,
(which is no other than cabbage and kitchen-stuff boiled and mashed together;)—and, in compliment to Mr. Rapine, an antiquated goose, which had seen at least three summers, was served up, stuffed with sage, onions, and garlic.
As the goose seemed to be the most attractive object in the bill of fare, the apothecary, at the instigation of Rapine, stuck his fork in the devoted fowl, and was proceeding to dissection, when an effluvium issued from the stuffing which disconcerted the famished Rhubarb so much, that he was obliged, in spite of the voraciousness of his appetite, to forego the operation; the cause of which intolerable stench was no other than a prudent manoeuvre of the physician, who, knowing Rhubarb to be a capital hand at a knife and fork, and particularly fond of geese, had taken care to mix a little assafoetida with the stuffing, in some measure to allay the fury of his stomach; and the expedient succeeded so well, that the astonished retailer of drugs had very nigh fainted under the influence of the noxious smell; however, after the first assault was over, he resumed his office, finished the carving of the goose, and made shift, in spite of the assafoetida, to demolish two legs, a wing, part of the breast, a side bone, and afterwards ate the rump, made into a devil, to provoke his thirst so far, that, by drinking after dinner, he might revenge the affront at the expence of the doctor's wine.
But there he reckoned without his host; for, as soon as the table-cloth was removed, and Calomel had finished his dissertation upon the virtues of assafoetida, and the good effects of moderation in eating, he entered upon another subject, for the benefit of his guests, which was no other than a learned account of the numerous evils, which must, of course, follow the indulgence of our appetites, especially in whatever had any relation to excessive drinking; which, he asserted, not only degraded human nature to a level with brutality, but absolutely undermined and ruined the constitution beyond the possibility of relief. The doctor intreated them not to disregard his doctrine; for he shrewdly observed, that he had been feed very highly for advice that was not a tenth part so salutary; but, as they were his particular friends, he should be sufficiently recompensed in their enjoyment of a good state of health.
When he had finished this well-timed exordium, he called for the remains of a bottle of port, and, at the same time, a mug of ale, and a decanter of spring-water. He placed the bottle before his relation, the water before himself, and the ale before the apothecary. Upon the latter person's appearing somewhat dissatisfied at his allowance, the doctor recommended it to his palate in such terms, as his friend Rhubarb did not think it proper or prudent, at that time, to call in question, but took copious draughts of the homely beverage; the excellent flavour of which he extolled to the skies, while his heart was tormented at an indignity, which he had neither spirit nor capability of resenting.
Upon Mr. Rapine's inquiring into the trade of the town, and the amusements of its inhabitants, the doctor gave him the following account.—
"P—t—g—n is a town," says the physician, "that is extremely singular, in every point of view. It owes the little importance it enjoys to the settlement of a few vagrant French families, who fled from oppression in their own country, about half a century ago, to take up their abode in a land which they despised.—Their descendents, who form the principal part of the inhabitants at the present day, have carefully preserved the little pride and narrow prejudices of their forefathers, to which they have annexed that spirit of idleness and negligence of improvement which are so conspicuous in this country; and, what renders their follies the more lamentable is, that, from some unaccountable combination of events, the children of one-third of our people of distinction are sent here to imbibe the first rudiments of their education, which, doubtless, in a great degree establishes their manners ever after; and, to give you an instance of the qualification of the masters of these infantine seminaries, I will relate to you an account of the birth, knowledge, and endowments, of my neighbour, Monsieur de Champignon, who is considered as the pink of good-breeding and flower of all school-masters."
De Champignon is a native of Bourdeaux, in the South of France. His father was Merry-Andrew to a
charlatan,
and his mother servant and
confidante
to a
figurante
at the opera. My neighbour (whose birth, you will admit, is not in the least illustrious) derived from his parents those qualities, the possession of which, with a small portion of industry, are sufficient to make a fortune;—you will naturally conclude I mean servility and impudence, which, as he grew towards manhood, were matured and directed by the instructions of his parents; and he profited by their admonitions so well, that, after a series of twelve years, laudably spent in studying mankind, and making himself, on all occasions, even the most infamous, an instrument of pleasure to his betters, he wormed himself into the good graces of a certain ridiculous baronet, who advised him to set up a school, and teach the French tongue, for his perfect knowledge of which he undertook to be responsible, though, between ourselves, the baronet himself cannot speak ten words of the language.— De Champignon followed the advice of his patron, and, under his protection, has, in a few years, realised fortune sufficient to ride in his own carriage, and look down with disdain on those poor beings, who have been weak enough to be guided through life by principles of virtue and morality.
Upon Rapine's testifying some astonishment at the account, the doctor appealed to Rhubarb, who, notwithstanding his knowledge of one half of the story to be false, nodded his head in token of an acknowledgement of the truth.
"As to the amusements of the town," says Calomel, "they are equally under the influence of absurdity. The better sort of people assemble every evening, at each other's houses, to drink tea and scandalise each other; after which, for want of ideas and information to discourse rationally, to kill time, they have recourse to cards, when, though the narrowness of their circumstances obliges them to play for trifles, they practise as many tricks to obtain the stake as were ever known to the most experienced gamesters in the purlieus of St. James's."
I will tell you of an occurrence that happened at a drum, where I had the misfortune of doing penance yesterday evening.—A Mrs. Lepoche sent cards of invitation round to her acquaintance to spend the evening at her house. Among the rest she did me the honour of an invitation. I obeyed the summons; and, immediately on my entrance, I was accosted by two of the party, a pair of wrinkled old maids, who had been soured by the neglect of mankind into an unusual severity of disposition. They attacked me open-mouthed with 'Pray, doctor, do you know that creature in the corner?' pointing to a young woman, who sat blushing with confusion at the manifest impoliteness of these hags.—'I think it extremely wrong of Mrs. Lepoche,' cries the first, 'to be asking every creature to her drums that can boast the possession of a silk gown.'— I think she looks no better than she should be,' cries the other. At length the rudeness of these stale virgins attracted the notice of the lady of the house, who, upon inquiring into the cause of their behaviour, assured them, upon her honour, that the person alluded to was a gentlewoman; and, indeed, it was afterwards proved, upon inquiry, that the father of these malevolent virgins had been formerly coachman to the uncle of this amiable stranger.
To sum up all in a few words;—I do most heartily hate the town and despise its inhabitants, who possess neither candour nor urbanity;—their manners are a satire upon politeness, and their boasted borough of P—t—g—n is neither more nor less than the grave of merit, the hotbed of presumption, and an inexhaustible magazine of folly, impertinence, and virginity.
After my master had indulged his splenetic disposition, by making a variety of other remarks, of the same malignant complexion, upon the inhabitants of the place, among whom he was living apparently in perfect harmony, this triumvirate rose from the table. Rapine and the physician sauntered out to view the town, and Rhubarb directed his steps towards his own shop, to make up a recipe for a tallow-chandler's wife, who had been delivered of three children the evening before, and all likely to live and do well.
CHAPTER VII.
The ill effects that accompany the want of feeling for the miseries of our fellow-creatures.—Account of Captain Hawser.—His aversion to my master.— Their supposed reconciliation. — The physician's vanity displayed on that occasion.—His journey delayed by a small accident. — My master discomfited. — Misfortune upon misfortune.—The tragical issue of the expedition to Mount Binnacle.
FROM my frequent conversations with my master's housekeeper, (whose good opinion I cultivated with the most solicitous assiduity,) I soon found out that the eccentricity of the doctor's genius, and the want of humanity that too frequently attended his surgical operations, had procured him no inconsiderable share of enemies; the ill effects of which he very frequently experienced by numberless little tricks that were practised upon him, to his great mortification and disquiet.
Before I had been quite a fortnight in Calomel's service, I was a witness to one of these impositions, which had like to have proved, in its consequences, of a very serious nature.— Among the number of the doctor's most formidable enemies was one 'Squire Hawser, who lived upon the side of a mountain, about nine miles from P—n. He had served his country on-board a man of war, and passed through the different gradations of the service, from midshipman to captain, with distinguished honour; but, having a fortune of fifteen hundred a year left him by a distant relation, at the close of the last war, he resigned his naval command, and retired to spend the remainder of his life in the improvement of his estate, the protection of the poor, and the enjoyment of his friend.
The captain had not been settled a month in his estate, when his groom, breaking-in a young colt, at the immediate desire of his master, was thrown from the back of the restive beast with such violence, that it was apprehended his scull was fractured. Calomel, as a surgeon of the highest repute for anatomical skill in the county, was sent for in great haste. After examining the confusion, he treated their fears on the poor man's account with great pleasantry; at the same time affirming, that, whatever he might do by hanging, he would venture to assure him that he would never lose his life by a fracture, the comfortable thickness of his scull putting any such accident at defiance. In short, by his neglect of the miserable patient, (for the doctor considered the life of a poor individual as of no more importance to society than that of a dog,) the man languished in great torment for a few days, and then expired.
After his death, the captain, for his own satisfaction, had his scull examined, when it was clearly perceived that an absolute fracture had taken place, but one of that nature, that if any, the most ordinary, care had been taken of it, the sufferer might have survived, and done well. Upon this information, the captain (whose heart overflowed with the milk of human kindness) swore, that, if ever he met with Calomel, he would take the most exemplary vengeance on him for his cruelty to his domestic, whose death the generous Hawser could not help thinking was, in a great measure, unhappily, though innocently, owing to himself.
The threats of the captain had long since reach the ears of Calomel, which operated upon his fears so powerfully (for the doctor, it must be observed, was the most arrant coward upon the face of nature) that he left no stone unturned to bring about a reconciliation. Among the foremost of his advocates on this occasion was a Mr. Wilson, a relation of the captain, who promised the physician to use his interest with Hawser in his behalf. These circumstances coming to the ears of some wags, who resided in the neighbourhood, and who entertained likewise a most inveterate aversion to the doctor, they resolved, in close divan, to execute a trick upon him, which they effected in the following manner:—they bribed one of the captain's servants to lend his livery-coat to one of their party, whom they sent to Calomel with the following letter, which was to be delivered into his own hands, written from the implacable Hawser.
Sir,
AN unfortunate misunderstanding having taken place between you and me, I beg leave to inform you, that, by a thorough investigation of the cause, and the kind interposition of Mr. Wilson, it is, on my part, entirely done away, and I sincerely hope that it will be equally so on your's.
I have to acquaint you, that I have been confined to my room for some time with that cursed old disorder that renders life intolerable to me, I mean the gout; and shall esteem it as an infinite obligation if you will do me the honour of a visit this evening, that you may prescribe something to relieve the insupportable anguish of,
Dear doctor,
Your most humble servant, HANNIBAL HAWSER.
Mount Binnacle,
April 12.
The doctor was at home, playing a game at backgammon with his friend Rhubarb, when the fictitious servant delivered the above-written letter. When the physician first saw the servant's livery, which he well knew, a thousand fears crouded into his brain in an instant; but, when he opened the letter, and saw the contents, which he read aloud with exultation, these unpleasing ideas vanished, and joy and satisfaction sat triumphant in his countenance.—It was some minutes before he could completely overcome the astonishment which the receipt of this letter occasioned; at last he recovered himself so far as to desire the servant to give his best respects to the captain, and to inform him that he should do himself the honour to wait upon him with all convenient speed.
As soon as the servant was gone,— "There," says the doctor, handing the letter to Rhubarb, what d'ye think of me now? am I to consider myself indebted to my abilities as a physician for this condescension in the captain, or the kindnesses of my friend Wilson?"—"I should rather imagine that you are obliged intirely to your abilities, doctor," says the humble parasite, "which, without flattery, may be placed in the same class with a Boerhaave, a Celsus, or an Hippocrates, and are, indeed, if properly known, the glory of your country."— You are perfectly in the right, Rhubarb," replies the doctor, your remarks are pertinent and just;—damme if I ever thought before that you had half the discernment which I find you possess." The modest apothecary bowed his head for the compliment, while my master desired me to get his two horses, Sorrel and Slyboots, saddled immediately, and to bring them round to the hall-door, while he drew on his boots.
Whether it was owing to the consideration of the fee, which he already touched in imagination, the thoughts of being reconciled to Hawser, whose resentment he dreaded little less than that of the devil himself, or the welltimed compliments of Rhubarb upon his physical skill, I will not pretend to determine; but it is certain, that then, and only then, for the first time in his life, a spark of liberality illumined his sordid heart, so far, that he absolutely called for a bottle of port, which he invited Rhubarb to partake of; and, as small pressing is necessary where the mind is willing, the apothecary complied; and so warmly did they sacrifice to Bacchus, while the potation lasted, that they finished the bottle in something more than ten minutes, drinking success to the faculty, and a general indisposition to the rest of mankind. At the death of the last glass, it was very apparent that the physician's understanding was somewhat wounded, when he rose from his seat to ride with all haste to Mount Binnacle.
But this progress was retarded by an unlucky accident, which discomfited poor Calomel very much. When I had saddled the horses, and, agreeably to my master's directions, brought them round to the hall-door, he called me in to help him on with his boots; and, while I was performing that part of my duty, some mischievous boys had contrived to tie the prickly part of a gooseberry-bush under the tail of the doctor's horse, which, in his great hurry to depart, he did not perceive when he got on horseback; but, the instant he bestrided his old favourite, Sorrel, the beast began to kick and rear up in a manner that threw the physician into the utmost terrors. However, inspired by the fumes of his own port, he ventured to clap his spurs in the sides of Sorrel, who, being unused to such an unwelcome salutation, and irritated by the bush at his posteriors, sprang forward, and began to plunge with his rider with great fury, and presently unburdened Calomel of his hat and wig; upon which the doctor (who was a timid horseman) clung fast hold of the mane; but, notwithstanding all the physician's prudence, and in spite of his cries to the people to stop the horse, Sorrel set off in a full gallop, and never ceased till he came to the confines of a wet bog, into which, with the utmost disdain, he threw the unfortunate son of Galen, who now stuck in the filth up to the arm-pits, roaring out for help with the lungs of a Stentor.
As soon as I saw Sorrel gallop off with my master, I followed as fast as possible, attended by numbers of the town's people, who, so far from pitying his mischance, seemed to be gratified at the doctor's nasty situation. After many intreaties on my part, and unnumbered prayers on his, we prevailed on an old woman and a travelling-tinker to assist me in rescuing the crest-fallen Calomel from the imminent perils with which he was surrounded. Immediately upon his release he kneeled, and returned his Creator thanks for his timely delivery. (For I forgot to remark that the doctor was apparently very religious, though he did not possess a single grain of charity.)
By this time we were joined by his friend Rhubarb, who, after wiping his clothes, helped me to place the doctor on my horse, which was quiet enough: (being a miserable beast, which he had received as part of payment from a poor widow, with seven young children, for his attendance on her husband, who had lately died in a high fever.) In this manner we re-conducted him to town, when, after rubbing his temples with vinegar, and giving him a large glass of brandy, we recruited his spirits so far, that he sent me to the inn for a post-chaise, while he put on some clean clothes and linen, determined that neither the expence of the chaise, nor the consequences of the accident, should be the means of losing so profitable a patient as Captain Hawser, which he might do, if he did not pay that attention to his letter which a man of his spirit and consequence naturally expected.
Being strictly enjoined to make haste, I presently returned with the chaise, into which the doctor stepped, (having already cleaned himself,) amid the gibes and sneers of a concourse of the neighbours, who surrounded the carriage.— After giving the post-chaise boy directions to drive to Mount Binnacle with all imaginable expedition, I got on my Bucephalus, and followed my master.
It may be necessary here to inform the reader of the situation of affairs at Mount Binnacle at the time of our arrival.—Captain Hawser, who had actually been confined with the gout for a considerable time, (a circumstanee that Calomel well knew,) was, about an hour before we paid him our visit, seized with one of those paroxysms that are attendant on the disorder, which, for the time, by the acute pain they create, almost deprive the patient of his senses, and which, working on the active disposition of Hawser, rendered him peevish, and inflamed him to the highest pitch of irritability. Added to this, he had just received an account of the loss of the ship he had formerly commanded, with all her crew, (among whom were some of his dearest friends,) in the Gulf of Florida, in a hard gale of wind. These circumstances, combining, made the celebrated descent of Orpheus into hell journeying through a path of roses, in comparison to that which the devoted, detested, but self-sufficient, Calomel was about to undertake.
As soon as we reached the iron gates, at the entrance of the park, I rang the bell; when the porter (who had received his instructions, accompanied with a bribe) opened the gates for the doctor with marks of great respect, which Calomel thought proceeded intirely from the directions of his master; and, giving him sixpence, he inquired after the health of the captain, when the servant informed him that he was in the greatest agonies with the gout; which corresponding with the account he had received, he said,
Aye, aye, my friend, but I'll soon put him upon his legs, I warrant you.
—Then, ordering the post-chaise boy to drive up to the door, he commanded me to knock, which, to do my master honour, I did so loud and so long, that, I verily believe, it might have been heard at five miles distance.
The captain, thinking, by the loudness of the knock, that it was a visit from a neighbouring peer, whom he expected, hurried off the sopha, on which he was lying, enjoying a little momentary ease from his sufferings, and, getting upon his crutches, hobbled towards the door to receive him. But, what artist can paint the look of Hawser, when, instead of the expected nobleman, the detested Calomel presented himself before him! — it was a combination of rage, horror, and astonishment; — his eyes darted with indignant fire, and his lips trembled with aggravation; which the poor doctor perceiving, and unfortunately attributing both that and his silence to the great anguish he was undergoing, he walked up with the utmost confidence to the captain, and was attempting to feel his pulse; when Hawser, recovering the use of his faculties, and collecting all the might he was master of, with one stroke of his crutch (for he was a large, athletic, man) struck the exulting Calomel such a tremendous blow on the scull as felled him instantly to the ground, where he lay gasping and kicking for life, like a wounded salmon in a fishing-boat, till a repetition of the blow put a period to his capering.
He now lay extended at his length, and speechless as Harry the Eighth in his tomb at Westminster, when this irascible commander ordered his servants to take the body to the horse-pond, which they gladly obeyed; and, taking hold each of an arm and a leg, they conveyed the fallen victim to a large pool, in a yard adjoining the house, which served as a reservoir for all the filth and ordure of the family, (the captain following on his crutches, to see his orders strictly obeyed,) into which, without either caution or mercy, like Falstaff's fat paunch, hissing hot, they plunged the pummelled carcase of this redoubted prime minister of death, who did not recover the use of his speech until the third time of rising in the water, when he had just strength enough left to crawl to the side, and shake off a part of the mud and dung, with which he was very near being suffocated.
As soon as he could speak, and understood his situation, in spite of his terrors, he threatened to prosecute Hawser for damages; when the captain, damning him for his impudence, ordered the large mastiff in the yard to be unchained, which Calomel perceiving, he took to his heels, and ran for his life with the swiftness of a greyhound, and had got within a few yards of the iron gate, at the entrance of the park, when the dog seized the poor physician by the breech, and did not quit his hold till he had torn his clothes all to fragments, and had not left a piece of his breeches or a remnant of his shirt hanging together, when the servants, probably apprehensive of his losing his life, took the mastiff off, and left the miserable Calomel on the ground, gasping for life, and intirely destitute of a rag to cover him. In that state he crept into the chaise, with a countenance strongly denoting misery and woe, and, ordering me to follow him, drove to his own house.
CHAPTER VIII.
Our return to P—n.—My master's lamentations.—The danger of being in too great hurry.—A battle in a bedchamber.—The doctor's metamorphosis.—The sarcastic compliments of his acquaintance.—His chagrin.—My reflexions.
WE arrived home, after the deplorable expedition to Mount Binnacle, about eight o'clock in the evening; my master having charged the postillion not to enter the town until it was quite dark, lest his disgrace should be discovered, which he knew would be treated only as a jest by the neighbourhood, unaccompanied with either pity or assistance.
As soon as he had got safe into his own house, he threw himself into a chair, and, after sighing most piteously for a few minutes, began to talk very loud in the French language, which, from the small knowledge of it that I had gleaned, I soon understood to be a volley of curses, which he uttered with all the gestures of a man in the last stage of horror and despair.
When his rage had a little subsided, by the entreaties of his housekeeper he suffered himself to be conveyed to bed, where he had not been above an hour before I carried him a bason of hot water-gruel, and found him asleep, but, at the same time, furiously agitated, talking as in a dream, and frequently repeating the words death, damages, and damnation. At last I ventured to awake him, and, sitting upright in the bed, he seized the gruel, and, being insensible, attempted to drink it off at a draught, like so much water, when the hot beverage scalded his throat in so shocking a manner that he roared out like a goaded bull, and, laying hold of my ear, (which he squeezed without mercy,) endeavoured to throw the remainder of the gruel in my face; but, perceiving his intention, and bobbing down my head, he threw it directly in the face of the housekeeper, who had just entered the apartment to inquire after his health; which salutation made her shriek and roar, not less loud, though infinitely more discordant, than the doctor. After running about the chamber, menacing vengeance against the author of her pain, and dancing as frantic as a drunken Welchman on the first of March, she flew to the bed, and, tearing down the clothes, (under which the doctor had retreated from her fury,) began to belabour the head, shoulders, and flank, of poor Calomel with a pair of tremendous fists, which, for size and sinewy strength, were equal to those of any bruiser in the British dominions. After she had amused herself, at the expence of the doctor's bones, for a few minutes, he, being unable to bear the effect of her vengeance any longer, suddenly turned round, and, fastening his teeth in the left arm of this domestic Thalestris, obliged her to desist from the farther prosecution of her resentment. A parley now took place, and, mutual apologies having passed between them, they put the best complexion they were able upon their several disasters; and the housekeeper, repairing to the kitchen to dress her wounds, left her master groaning under the severe pressure of a train of evils, which had pursued him without intermission in the course of that memorable day, while I slunk to my homely bed, composed of an old mattress stuffed with straw, to seek repose in the arms of Morpheus.
The next morning, at the usual hour, the ill-fated doctor made his appearance; but so rueful and dejected, and so black and blue with the bruises that he had received, that it was scarcely possible to know him. After giving orders to be denied to every person that should call upon him, excepting his associate, Rhubarb, he began to practise every expedient that could heal his wounds, and render him fit once more to mingle with society; and, after being a close prisoner in his own house for a week, he began to venture abroad, having almost wholly recovered by that time his usual pertness and vivacity.
When he first sallied forth among his acquaintance, he was soon convinced that the calamities which befel him at Mount Binnacle were no secret. One asked him, with seeming earnestness, after the captain's health; another congratulated him upon his reconciliation with so opulent and respectable a family; while a third inquired, with prodigious eagerness, after the state of his own health, which, he assured him, he heard with great sorrow had confined him to his bed-chamber;
I heard it was a violent fit of the rheumatism,
cried a fourth; a fifth asserted it was an ague; and a sixth heard it was a fever. At last, after a sullen silence on the part of Calomel during their impertinent inquiries, he stopped their mouths by informing them that they were all right; for he really had been suffering for some days from a complication of disorders, which, from the various symptoms he had experienced, bore some sort of affinity to the different complaints alluded to.
As it is frequently said, that we may even extract good out of evil, I was tempted to hope that the doctor's misfortunes would make him reflect upon his own want of humanity: indeed, notwithstanding the baseness of his disposition, I saw him reduced to such a state of abject humiliation that I could not avoid pitying him; and, as I perceived that he talked less and thought more than usual, I had no doubt of his amendment.
CHAPTER IX.
My master's endeavours to procure satisfaction, but he is defeated.—The necessity of preserving a good character.—His attention to a female patient mistaken for gallantry.—The horrid consequences.—The sagacity of a country magistrate.—The doctor exhibits evident signs of insanity.—The arrival of his friend Rhubarb.—His notions of the administration of public justice.
AS soon as my master was convinced that the sad issue of his journey to Captain Hawser was known all over the country, he determined to apply for justice, and endeavour, by procuring large damages against him, to satisfy himself for the indignities he had suffered and the dangers he had undergone: but the character of Calomel was so universally despised, and that of his aggressor so generally respected, that he could not, with all his art and industry, procure a bill to be returned by the grand jury; so the doctor was reduced to the disagreeable necessity of chewing the cud of resentment in silence.
But, notwithstanding his late disgraces, his practice, in the joint capacities of physician and surgeon, was by no means diminished, and, as man-midwife, he brought more children into the world than half the
accoucheurs
in the country. Being retained by a young butcher in the town to attend his wife during her pregnancy, (who was remarkably handsome,) the doctor's evil genius, who never intirely forsook him, took an active part in the affair, which terminated greatly to his dissatisfaction. One morning, when he paid a visit to Mrs. Marrowbone, (for that was the name of his fair patient,) there happened to be present a mischievous gossip, to whom the doctor had formerly given offence, and who, to be revenged, took especial care to represent the carriage and behaviour of Calomel in such a disadvantageous light to the husband of Mrs. Marrowbone, that he determined to watch the doctor's motions, and, if ever he discovered any impropriety or indelicacy, on the part of the physician, towards his wife, to take ample revenge.
One day, when the doctor had been dining at the table of an acquaintance, where he drank more than a
quantum sufficit
of wine, (for he always exceeded the bounds of discretion, in that particular, when it was attended with no expence to himself,) on his return home, as he passed by Mrs. Marrowbone's door, he stepped in, to ask her how she was. The butcher, who accidentally saw the doctor go into his house in the evening, and suspecting his intentions to be carnally, and not physically, directed, followed him in, and getting, unperceived, into an adjoining closet to the room, in which his wife was then sitting, put his eye to a crevice, whence he could easily distinguish every thing that passed. He had not remained long in that situation, when his attention was rouzed, and his temper, (naturally jealous,) was fired, by some expressions of the doctor towards his wife, which he conceived to border upon too much familiarity. The fact is, the physician's spirits had been wound up to a high pitch of vivacity by his friend's wine and cheerful conversation, which operated so powerfully upon his actions that he could not avoid mixing a little smattering of gallantry in his dialogue with Mrs. Marrowbone, (though, to do him justice, in his sober moments he had as little desire for the finest woman in the creation as a Jew rabbi for a pork-steak,) and the doctor even proceeded so far in his indiscretions as to attempt to ravish a kiss; which the butcher perceiving from his hiding-place, he burst into the room,
and, before Calomel could recover from the consternation into which this unseasonable visit threw him, made him an instantaneous present of such a violent blow in the eye, with all the force he was able, as drove the ball fairly into the socket, and so discomposed his optic nerves, that every object in the 100m seemed to the doctor to be dancing before him; but, upon receiving another blow upon the stomach, equally salutary, he measured his length upon the floor, and crept under the bed with all the dexterity he was able; whence he was drawn out by the enraged butcher, who, throwing Calomel upon his back, kneeled upon his breast, while he whetted a long knife which hung by his side, and swore, with the most dreadful imprecations, that he would instantly disqualify the doctor from all attempts of that nature for the future; and was proceeding to put his threats in execution, when the physician, with uplifted hands, and his eyes swimming in tears, intreated the butcher, for the love of God, to desist from his bloody purpose, every now and then interlarding his prayers with crying
murder
as loud as he was able. Upon hearing the noise, some of the neighbours rushed in, and prevailed on the butcher to release him, which at length he consented to with infinite reluctance.
As soon as the doctor got fairly out of the door, he set off, running as fast as if Satan himself had been in pursuit of him, and never stopped to look back until he was quite at his own door, at which knocking lustily, I ran in haste to open it, and there saw my miserable master with one eye swelled as it were out of his head, and his face covered with blood and dirt. The instant he got in, the housekeeper, seeing his dirty condition, brought him some warm water to wash his face, after which he informed us of every particular, swearing that he would never rest in his bed until he got revenge for so unparalleled an outrage.
When he had got his face cleaned, and a bandage to his eye, he flapped his hat, and walked out to a justice of the peace, who lived within a few paces of his own house, at the same time desiring me to follow him; and, after presenting himself before the justice, he made his complaint in very moving terms; upon hearing which, his worship commiserated his misfortunes, and assured him that justice should be done him.
The magistrate sent his servant immediately to the butcher to desire him to attend, and requested my master to sit down until his arrival. After waiting about half an hour, in came Marrowbone, with his wife and half a score neighbours; and so far was the doctor from gaining any satisfaction, that, in the course of the butcher's deposition, he had eloquence enough to convince the magistrate (who was not one of the wisest of mankind) that Calomel meant no less than to dishonour him; which deposition was strengthened by the evidence of the wife and two of the neighbours; upon which, in spite of all the doctor's protestations of innocence, the justice advised him to make up the matter with the butcher in the best manner he was able; at the same time cautioning the physician against all such attempts for the future.
The poor doctor foamed at the mouth with vexation, and even went so far as to charge the justice with partiality in the proceeding, which the other received in such dudgeon, that he told Calomel, if he was in the husband's place, he would not only sue him for damages, (which no court of justice, he said, would refuse on such corroborating evidence,) but would publish the story to the world, and ruin his character. This last suggestion of the magistrate alarmed the doctor very much, who now, lowering his note, declared he was willing to dismiss the parties; to which proposal the butcher was so far from agreeing, that he demanded reparation for the injury he had received; in which he was supported by the magistrate as a matter perfectly just and equitable. The apprehension of being exposed, in that situation, to the world, wrought upon the doctor so forcibly, that he asked the butcher what sum he expected; Marrowbone replied, he would drop the affair for a consideration of forty guineas; to which proposal the physician, who would as soon have parted with so many ounces of his heart's blood, remaining inexorable, the justice interfered, and settled the sum at twenty guineas. At last, both parties agreeing, with great reluctance the doctor deposited the sum, and walked out of the magistrate's house without wishing him a good evening, grumbling and muttering all the way to his own door, being greatly dissatisfied at the conduct of the justice in the whole transaction.
The moment he got into his study, he walked about the room with great agitation, cursing, singing, and crying, by turns; then tore his wig, and, throwing it on the floor, stamped upon it with great violence; then run his head against the wall, and began to caper about the place in such a manner that I had not the least doubt remaining of his brain being disordered; so, stealing out of the room, I locked the door on the outside, resolving not to venture into the room by myself.
After sitting by the kitchen-fire for about a quarter of an hour, the housekeeper (who had been out to procure some necessaries for the family) coming in, I told her the story, which terrified her almost as much as myself. It was at last resolved that I should go for Mr. Rhubarb; but he happened, fortunately, to knock at the door just at that instant. When we unlocked the door of the doctor's study, I found him with his head upon the table, fast asleep, and snoring comfortably without his wig.— Mr. Rhubarb expressed great sorrow at seeing his friend and patron so maltreated, and in so comfortless a situation; but, desiring the housekeeper to bring his woollen night-cap, the officious apothecary tied it under his chin, and advised us to conduct him to bed; which endeavouring to put in execution, the doctor awoke, and, perceiving his friend and counsellor, Mr. Rhubarb, he embraced him seemingly with great affection; at the same time the tears ran down his cheeks so copiously that my heart melted within me. Here he recounted the adventures and mistakes which had reduced him to such a pitiable condition, venting the, severest curses, and calling the magistrate by the most opprobrious epithets. At the instigation of Rhubarb, he permitted us to convey him to his bed-chamber, and there, while he was sitting on the edge of the bed undressing himself, he amused us with a dissertation on the perversion of the distinction of right and wrong, and the glaring folly of the legislature in appointing individuals to be magistrates, whose educations are narrow and whose principles are vulnerable; and, to do him justice, he handled the subject with a degree of ingenuity and knowledge, that sufficiently proved him in the possession of a keen and strong understanding.
Now we left him to enjoy a comfortable night's rest, of which, indeed, he had great occasion, not only to recruit his spirits, but his strength, to encounter a series of unnumbered calamities, which the flinty-hearted destinies had decreed should torment him on the following day.
CHAPTER X.
Fresh storms gathering for my master.— The necessity of being modest in public conversation.—Give a dog an ill name, and you had better hang him.—The arrival of a Scotch physician.—The inefficacy of lying.—Calomel invited to a supper.—Falls into a pit of distress.— A certain cure for black eyes.—One evil springing out of the womb of another.—The climax of human wretchedness.
A Large party of Highlanders arriving in the town, on their way from Dublin to Cork, and some of the officers spending the evening at the inn with the gentlemen of the place, a thought came into the head of a pleasant fellow, who was one of the party, to put another trick upon Calomel, which, if it succeeded, and was carried on properly, would effectually reduce him so far that he would never be able to hold his head up again, or mortify him to that degree as to oblige him to quit the town; a circumstance most ardently wished for by a majority of the inhabitants, to whom he had made himself exceedingly obnoxious.
The scheme was built upon the doctor's frequent boasting in company, that, when he was at Glasgow, prosecuting his medical studies, he was signalized and honoured for his peculiar industry and penetration, and that one of the most eminent physicians of that country, a Dr. Macgreggor, kept up a constant correspondence with him ever since.
Now it was resolved, that a Captain Crazy, a determined enemy of the doctor's, and one of the party, should dress himself in a Highland plaid, and, being an excellent mimic, should pass for the surgeon of the regiment, and nephew to the Scotch physician in question;—and that he should send his compliments to Dr. Calomel, and acquaint him, that he would do himself the honour of paying his respects to him before he left the town. Accordingly the card was written, and a man dispatched with it to his house. In the mean while Crazy, and another of the party, put on the Highland uniform, and, agreeably to promise, after disguising their faces, went to Calomel's, and knocked at the door. The doctor, on any other occasion, would have been proud to have received such a mark of respect from the nephew of so great a man; but, circumstanced as he was, at that time, with a most tremendous black eye, he would most willingly have declined the interview; however, they came in so unawares, that they absolutely took the doctor by surprise, who was then in the act of adjusting himself to hide his disgrace as much as lay in his power. After the first ceremonies were over, and Calomel had made the necessary inquiries after the health of his friend Macgreggor, the pretended surgeon asked him how he came by so disagreeable an accident as that of a black eye. The question abashed the doctor at first; but, assuming an air of indifference, and a spirit of lying being among the rest of his qualifications, he told them, that, having occasion to get up in the night, in attempting to go down stairs his foot slipped, and he fell from the top to the bottom, and struck his eye against a stool, which his servant had carelessly left there after winding up the clock, which stood at the bottom of the stairs. They pitied his case, and, to all appearance, swallowed the doctor's circumstantial lie with great credulity. Upon the pretended surgeon's begging leave to look at it, Calomel complied with a great deal of unwillingness; and, upon the parties going to the window to examine it, the surgeon took care, while he was feeling the swelling, which was prodigiously large and inflamed, to give him such pinches, and handled the business so roughly, that Calomel, in spite of all his endeavours to the contrary, could not help wincing, and grinding his teeth with torture; till, at last, the pretended nephew of Macgreggor gave him such a confounded pinch, that the doctor, losing all patience, bellowed like a stuck pig; exclaiming, with great vociferation, that he could not endure more pain in an amputation; upon which the other asking pardon, the doctor appeared perfectly satisfied.
After some desultory discourse upon the state of physic in Scotland, a subject which the doctor's visitor avoided as much as possible, they parted, but not before the physician had made a promise to spend the evening at the inn: when Calomel started some objections relative to his eye, the other assured him, upon his honour, that he was in possession of the means of curing it in the course of a single night, and that he would do himself the pleasure of removing so ungentlemanlike and perplexing a disfigurement that very evening; for which kind and polite intention Calomel professed himself very happy.
At the appointed hour for meeting in the evening, the doctor's newly-acquired friends, accompanied with two or three more implacable foes to Calomel, properly disguised, and a few Scotch officers, assembled together, expecting the physician every minute.
I must inform my readers, that my master was so elevated with the idea of his own consequence, which he conceived to be greatly heightened by the late visit, that he made a point to go among his acquaintance, and publish the circumstance as a matter materially resounding to his personal honour and character; he set forth the respect that was entertained for his abilities in other countries, and, at the same time, hinted how much the people of P—n were indebted to him for residing among them.
The time arriving that he was to repair to the inn, he put on his best wig, nicely powdered for the occasion, and curled as close as a cauliflower; and, getting into a chair, he proceeded to the rendezvous with a heart as light as pride and vanity could make it. When he entered the room, the gentlemen rose, and insisted upon his taking the chair at the upper end of the table, which, with a little affectation of modesty, he accepted. After a dozen glasses had circulated briskly, the doctor's unbound eye began to twinkle; and not intirely without a cause; for these wags had slily infused a quantity of brandy into every glass of wine the doctor drank; while he, proud of exhibiting his talents for disputation, was holding forth to the rest of the company, and explaining, with great energy, the origin and exertion of the muscles.
At last, conceiving a disrelish for the wine, a large bowl of punch was ordered, which they placed before Calomel, who, bending over the bowl, lost his equilibrium, and, falling along the table, was, with some difficulty, replaced in his chair by his comic companions; but not without disordering his wig in such a manner that it was impossible he could put it on his head any more that evening; for the truth is, when the doctor first lost the center of gravity, in plunging forward, his nicely-dressed wig fell into the punch-bowl, where it was swimming for a period of five minutes, while they were fixing the physician in his presidential chair; but, the doctor complaining that his head was cold, they called for a red night-cap, which the landlord brought, and with that they protected his seat of knowledge and medical skill from the assaults of the cold air.
It was now proposed by the fictitious surgeon to apply the remedy to the doctor's eye, which he assenting to by a nod, being intirely overcome with liquor, they tipped the landlord a wink, who went out, and returned in a few minutes with a plate-full of guts, taken warm from a sheep that was just killed, which putting in a coarse cloth, they applied, smoking hot, to the maimed eye and cheek of the passive doctor, who, having fallen into a sound sleep, lay snoring in his chair, drunk, and insensible to all their kind exertions for the restoration of his health.
After having tied on this never-failing plaster for his recovery, which, moderately speaking, covered three-fourths of his head, and enjoying the brilliant success of their design for some time, they ordered a chair, and, putting the physician into it, sent him home dead drunk, with his wig dropping wet in his lap before him. The chairmen (who had been previously made tipsy for the purpose) had not proceeded far with their burden, when the foremost man, stumbling against a stone which lay in his way, lost his hold, and, falling to the ground, the chair dropped with him, the door of which, being unfastened within, flew open, and lodged the black-visaged doctor in the mud. The chairmen, being almost as drunk as their employer, and not perceiving his disaster, got up, and made the best of their way to the doctor's house. Hearing the chair stop, I ran with the light; but, guess our surprize when we found the vehicle unoccupied! — The chairmen were thunderstruck; and all the housekeeper and I could get out of them was, that they were certain the doctor got into the sedan at the inn.
In the midst of concern for our master's safety, it was determined that I should go to Mr. Rhubarb, and endeavour, with him, to discover what had become of the doctor. Accordingly, I went and called Mr. Rhubarb, who, imagining it was a summons to attend some person that had been taken sick in the night, jumped up, and, dressing himself with uncommon alacrity, inquired who was unwell; but, seeing me, and understanding that the doctor was missing, he appeared very much alarmed, and, taking hat, cloak, and stick, we sallied forth in quest of this medical child of innumerable misfortunes. After rambling about the town for above half an hour, to no purpose, and wet to the skin, (for it rained extremely hard,) we resolved to give over the pursuit; but, on turning the corner of the market-place, we heard a noise, much resembling that of a man groaning, and, going up to inquire the cause, there we found the pitiable Calomel (for, by this time, the wet and cold he had sustained awaked him) groping in the surrounding mud for assistance; and he was so disfigured, that, had it not been for his voice, we never should have recognized his person.
After getting him upon his legs, Rhubarb called up a poor woman, who lived hard by the place, and, when she had struck a light, we guided this miserable disciple of Hippocrates into the house. When Mr. Rhubarb first saw his head, he burst into an exclamation of "Ch—t J—s! what have we here! sure, this is not the doctor!"—"Yes, but it is though, you sneaking clyster-pipe son of a whore," cries Calomel, at the same time belching most immoderately, "if it isn't me, who is it? tell me that;—d'ye hear?"— I beg your pardon, doctor," cries Rhubarb, "I did not mean to give you offence, upon my honour."—You and your honour may be damned together;—d'ye hear me now?—here's a pretty scou—ou—ou—ndrel to be talking of honour, that sells the powder of rotten wood for julep, and ground oister-shells for
magnesia alba.
"—"I scorn your words," replied the other.—"You and your scorn may go to the devil together;" said the doctor;—"d'ye hear me now, you dried eel-skin? — Here, house, bring me some brandy, for I'm cursed dry."
The apothecary and I stared with astonishment at each other, and could scarce believe we were in our senses; but, perceiving his head tied up, and the wildness of his eye and discourse co-operating with our fears, we took it for granted, that, by some shocking accident the scull was fractured, and that the
sensorium
was wounded by the contusion; however, with the assistance of the old woman of the house, we made him three quarts of whey, which forcing down his throat, we perceived his reason to return apace.
When he came a little to himself, Rhubarb ventured to inquire what was the cause of his head being bound up in so extraordinary a manner. All we could gather from his answer was, that it was put on by Dr. Macgreggor.— "Who is Dr. Macgreggor?" cries the other.—"Oh! by my soul," says the doctor, one that will flog all your country for knowledge, my lad of physic; — Galen and Esculapius were but fools to him;—it's he has the notes for it."
By this time, the copious draughts of whey that he had drunk, mixing with the vile dregs of the spirituous liquor in his stomach, caused an insurrection in that sensible part of the frame that put a total stop to Calomel's eulogium on his friend Macgreggor; and, after turning up the white of his eye, with great energy, his face appeared as agitated by strong convulsions, which lasted until nature, harrassed with such a combination of liquids, impelled the physician to discharge the nauseating load; which, lighting on the neck of the old woman, (who was stooping to re-kindle her fire,) ran down her back and shoulders like a torrent, and made her stink more offensive than a bog-house in the dog-days. Rhubarb all the while kept slapping his patron on the back, who, giving a violent strain to bring up the last remains of the filthy cargo, burst the bandage which tied the plaster to his eye; when the guts and garbage, falling to the ground, fairly suffocated a young kitten that was fast asleep at the doctor's feet. When Rhubarb saw the ingredients of Macgreggor's plaster, he lifted up his eyes in astonishment; and Calomel, confounded and chop-fallen, swore, that he would never receive the soft blessing of rest, until he had wreaked his resentment on the caitiff who had used him so unworthily.
CHAPTER XI.
The doctor passes a night of great uneasiness.—Seeks his persecutor in the morning.—Is guilty of a small mistake, which throws him into a paroxysm of despair.— Receives a threatening letter.—To avoid public shame, he retires to a relation's, and I am discharged from his service.
WHILE the doctor and his friend Rhubarb passed the remainder of the night at the old woman's cabin, that they might not fail to find out Dr. Macgreggor in the morning, (which, if they went to bed, they apprehended might be the case, as the Highlanders were ordered to assemble in the morning early at the market-place, for the purpose of proceeding on their route to Cork,) I was dispatched home to bring a change of clothes and linen, that my master might be properly dressed, to call his brother in physical iniquity to a proper account for the affront he had received at his hands over-night. On my return, we used every expedient to array him properly; — we stripped the doctor stark naked, and washed him with buckets of water from head to foot; and, after rubbing him dry, by frequently giving him whey and butter-milk recovered him pretty tolerably; so that, when Aurora thought proper to give birth to a new day, the physician had almost totally surmounted his late indisposition, and, considering every thing, cut a better figure, as a human being, than could well have been expected from the variety of misery he had so recently experienced.
As soon as we heard the drums of the Highland regiment beating a reveilly, to call the soldiers to assemble, the purified doctor began to breathe nothing but denunciations of vengeance against the supposed nephew of the celebrated Dr. Macgreggor; he swore, with great bitterness of expression, that no consideration whatever should restrain him from publicly chastising the object of his wrath.
He had scarcely finished this menacing and terrific prologue to the approaching farce, when the old woman (whom he had dispatched to the market-place for the purpose of bringing the earliest account of their mustering) returned, to inform my master that the Scotchmen had already formed their ranks, with every man his knapsack, and appeared equipped, at all points, for an immediate departure.
This information rouzed the maltreated Calomel, who, attended by his faithful ally, Mr. Rhubarb, and myself, sallied forth to the proposed scene of action. My master hurried on with prodigious haste until we came within fifty paces of the market-place, when his walking became slower and slower; and it was evident, by the livid paleness of his countenance and the quivering of his lips, that he sorely repented of his rashness. When he came within sight of the soldiers, he suddenly turned about, and addressed his friend Rhubarb in the following manner, his knees trembling under him all the while:—"Don't you think now, Mr. Rhubarb, that this action of mine favours strongly of a bloody and desperate disposition? If it come to a duel, I know I shall certainly kill him, and you must be convinced that is but little short of murder;—no, I know my own rashness;" says he, with trembling accents;—"it is an unchristianlike deed to seek revenge, and I'll go no farther." —"What!" says Rhubarb, shocked at his want of spirit, "will you permit such an outrage, committed on your person, to go unpunished!— Oh! fie, doctor!—it must not be!" says Rhubarb; at the same time giving him a shove with his shoulder, which drove the petrified physician three yards nearer to the enemy.
My master, finding it impossible to retreat with honour, as things had been already carried so far, made the best of the embarrassment, and, assuming all the importance he was able, walked up to the commanding officer, (shaking all the way, like a man in a palsy,) and, putting his cane to his nose, asked for Dr. Macgreggor in as authoritative a tone as he possibly could assume. The officer, perceiving that he was not treated with all that respect which he conceived to be his due, looked down upon this harbinger of death with ineffable contempt, at the same time remaining silent; but, upon the doctor's repeating the question, a young ensign, who stood at his elbow, told him there was no such man in the regiment. Calomel replied, that was impossible; for he had invited him, in
propria persona,
but the day before, and had likewise spent the evening in his company at the inn, with six officers belonging to the corps; and had received such ungentlemanlike usage, that he demanded satisfaction.
Here the commanding officer, perceiving the mistake, assured him, upon his honour, there was no such person belonging to the regiment. The physician was thunderstruck; but, observing the master of the inn at a distance, he beckoned him to him, and asked him, before a whole circle of people, (who had, by this time, gathered round the doctor,) if he knew who it was he was in company with, the evening before, at his house.—The innkeeper replied, perfectly well;—that they were a parcel of gentlemen of the town, who had dressed themselves, for the sake of a frolic, in the Highland uniform.—The doctor hastily inquired, who it was that called for the wine; and, hearing it was Mr. M'Neil, he appeared thoughtful for a few seconds; and, recollecting his features, and the successful effect of their stratagem, at his expence, together with the ridiculous boastings he had made of the honour of such a connexion, the blood forsook his cheeks, and he absolutely fainted away in the arms of the apothecary, being completely overcome by a strong sense of shame, grief, and mortification.
In this state he was conveyed home before he recovered the use of his faculties, which he no sooner found himself in possession of than he tore his hair, and beat his breast with uncommon violence; and, with the tears trickling down his face, he kneeled upon the ground, and, with the most infernal execrations, cursed himself and the womb that brought him forth; at the same time vowing an eternal enmity with all mankind.
The perturbation of his mind was so great, that not only Rhubarb, but the housekeeper and myself, expected nothing less, from such excessive agitations, but an instantaneous deprivation of his senses. His friend declaring him in a high fever, he was put to bed, which he kept for a fortnight, refusing to take any kind of sustenance or refreshment for the first three days.
When he had pretty well overcome the dreadful effects of the malady, he received one morning (while he was sitting by himself, and ruminating upon the sad events of his too easy credulity) the two following curious epistles, the last of which was delivered open.
To Dr. FRANCIS CALOMEL.
Sir,
THIS is to let you know, that if you don't deposit the sum of fifty guineas, under the gate that leads into your meadow at the back of your house, this evening, before nine o'clock, you shall have reason to repent it as long as you live; for we are determined to watch you the first time that you stir out of town, and, after cutting off your ears and slitting your nose, to carry you into the middle of the bog, and bury you alive, and thereby rid the community of an arrant scoundrel; so, pray take a friend's advice, and do as you are desired, or expect the consequences from your determined foes,
CORNELIUS CUT-THROAT,
PETER PERDITION, and
PHELIM O'TAWNEY.
Feb. 17.
After staring, with his eyes fixed upon me, in a wild manner, the letter dropped from his hands, and he exclaimed, with great emphasis and force of expression,—
Ch—t have mercy upon us!—what, these villains want first to murder me, and then to bury me alive!—aye, but I'll be damned if they do!
It was some time before I could divert him from his reverie, to inform him that there was a second letter for him, which, with trembling hands, he took off the table;—"What! opened too!—well," says Calomel, "it can't be worse than the former, if it even came from the devil himself!" Upon unfolding it, he read as follows:
To Dr. FRANCIS CALOMEL.
Sir,
YOU are hereby summoned, at your peril, to attend us next Thursday morning, to answer the complaints of Thady O'Carrol and Bryan O'Brogue, for breaking the glasses of their sedan-chair, when you were brought in a state of intoxication from the inn, a few nights since; and not to depart the court without leave.
WALTER JOLTERHEAD, Esqr.
TIMOTHY NUMSCULL, Esqr.
When he had finished perusing the second unwelcome epistle, he put it in his mouth, and began to chew it with great emotion; and, from that, and other unfavourable symptoms, we were apprehensive of a return of the phrensy, which had accompanied his fever to a dreadful degree. But, luckily, in the midst of our alarms, his friend Rhubarb called upon him; whose presence never failed to give him some solace, even in the utmost extremities of his chagrin. The doctor signifying a desire for us to retire, we left the physical twain in close consultation.
At the expiration of half an hour, Mr. Rhubarb came into the kitchen, and told me that my master had taken a resolution to pass some time at a distant relation's of his, who lived in the next county, until his present disgrace should be forgotten in the town; at the same time telling me to provide myself with another master, as he should have no farther occasion for my services.
After receiving my wages, which, with what I had deducted for clothes and other necessaries, amounted, in the course of upwards of two years service, to just two pounds nine shillings and seven pence three farthings, I quitted the service of this most extraordinary character, to go once more in pursuit of that most capricious of all whimsical females, Fortune.
CHAPTER XII.
I take leave of the family, and set forward in pursuit of new adventures.— Arrive at a village alehouse.—An account of my accommodations.—Join company with a pedlar.—Arrive at a market-town.—Experience the verity of the old saying,
It is not all gold that glitters.
—Learn the true character of my companion.—Grow melancholy.—Join the suite of an exhibitor of wild beasts.—Handled roughly by one of my fellow-travellers, who causes a general confusion.
WHEN I had taken a most affectionate leave of my fellow-servant, the housekeeper, and thanked Mr. Rhubarb for his friendship, I departed, with my linen, and all the portable part of my wardrobe, tied up in a handkerchief, which putting at the end of a crab-stick, I threw them across my shoulder, and bade adieu to P—n for ever.
Taking the road to Dublin, I had travelled on somewhat better than seven miles when I began to find myself in want of refreshment; and, stopping at a small town, I went into a little mean-looking public-house, distinguished from the rest by a miserable sign, which the artist meant should be taken for the venerable figure of St. Patrick, in the act of driving all venomous reptiles out of the Land of Saints.
On my entering, I found the whole family had just sat down to dinner, and hunger, at that time, being the greatest of the evils I endured, I resolved to take advantage of my good fortune, and remove it; so, boldly marching in, I told the landlord, if it were agreeable I would make one among them; offering, at the same time, to pay whatever he should think necessary. He gladly accepted my offer, and one and all seemed to strive who should be foremost to accommodate the young stranger; so, taking my place by a lusty black-eyed wench, (whom I afterwards found to be the landlord's eldest daughter,) I began to assail the wholesome dainties of the table, which consisted of a piece of salt pork, boiled, — some red herrings, — a profusion of potatoes,—and some griddle-bread: and indeed it was extremely fortunate that I was so sharp set; for, while I was casting an eye of admiration towards the rosy wench that sat at my right hand, the master of the house had filled my plate so full of the best of every thing at the table, that it formed a kind of pyramid, behind which I sat intrenched, and lost in a kind of astonishment; which is not so much to be wondered at, as I had so recently left the oeconomic table of Dr. Calomel, who would not willingly have allowed me so much victuals for a week's subsistence as this poor man designed should be only a part of one meal.
After I had allayed the cravings of my appetite, which, at the first encounter, bordered a little on the voracious, I had time and opportunity to survey the rest of the family.
Besides the host, who was a hearty, facetious, man, and his buxom daughter, we had the company of his wife, who did the honours of her table, if it may be allowed that the fulfilling them consists in making every one around her eat plentifully; for my part, she so teazed me with her importunities to devour more than I was able, that I longed most ardently for a removal of the victuals, to get rid of the troublesome effects of her well-meant hospitality.
On the ground, at one corner of the apartment, were three fubby masculine children, the eldest not more than six years old, as naked as when they came out of their mother's womb, surrounding a large wooden dish, full of potatoes, out of which they were eating lustily, accompanied by the like number of pigs, who, by their noise in eating, formed a kind of concert; the grunting of the pigs serving as a kind of bass, which accorded perfectly well with the treble and tenor squalling of the children. After the swine had finished their repast, they ranged about the room with that kind of confidence and dumb pleasure, which clearly proved to me, that they did not consider themselves, by any means, as inconsiderable members of the family.
When I had satisfied the landlord for my refreshment, I once more renewed my pedestrian expedition, still keeping on the high road to the metropolis. As I walked fast, I overtook a pedlar, and joined company with him. After a few questions had passed, on both sides, he informed me that he was going to Dublin likewise, to procure a fresh assortment of goods; but, that being the time of the
curragh
meeting, he proposed to stop that evening at Kildare, which resolution he advised me to concur in, as the evening was approaching very fast.
I thought his determination so proper, and moreover liking his company, that I instantly agreed, and on we jogged together, the pedlar beguiling both the time and the road by recapitulating his adventures. In the course of his remarks, he did not fail to warn me against the impositions of the world, and recounted various instances of youth coming to a bad and an untimely end, by making choice, in the early part of their lives, of vicious and unprincipled companions. I was so well pleased with his discourse that I listened to him with very great attention, and secretly blessed myself for being so uncommonly fortunate as to meet with so good and so exemplary an associate.
While I was attending to the sage injunctions of this itinerant Mentor, we imperceptibly arrived at Kildare. I was so much attached to my companion, that I requested him, as a particular favour, that he would permit me to mess and sleep with him until we reached Dublin; to which, after some little hesitation, he assented.
We put up at the sign of the
Brogue
and
Shamrock;
and, having secured our bed, for the use of which, for one night, we agreed to pay four-pence, my companion (whose name I now understood to be Dennis Blarney) made many inquiries concerning the company in the town, which we found was extremely respectable and numerous, owing to a great match that was to be run for the next day, upon the
curragh
of Kildare, for five hundred guineas. We passed away the time in discoursing on various topics, in which my friend Blarney never failed to introduce some excellent lesson of morality.—We regaled ourselves at intervals with eating bread and cheese, and washing it down with copious draughts of ale, brewed by our landlady, as thick as water-gruel, and as sour as a crab-apple.
When we signified a desire of going to bed, the hostess stepped forward, and, extending her hand, informed me that our reckoning came to tenpence-half-penny; when my friend Blarney, seeing me put my hand in my pocket and pull out my money to discharge it, immediately stopped me, and, paying the reckoning himself, told me, that young people, like me, had enough to do with their money besides treating their fellow-travellers.—I was so struck with this instance of disinterested generosity, in such a man, that I could have hugged him with transports of gratitude and respect.
The good woman now shewed us to our bed, to which we ascended by the help of an old ladder;—it was placed in a kind of loft, in which we were forced to bend double, the rafters of the cieling and the floor being within three feet of each other.
After our landlady had strictly charged us to take care of our light, which was a dried rush, dipped in grease, she left us to our private meditations. The dreary appearance around me made me undress myself and get into bed as fast as possible; which my moral friend Blarney perceiving rebuked me, in very severe terms, for lying down to rest without first returning thanks for the blessings and comforts I had enjoyed through the day. I was so confounded and ashamed, that, although it was a cold night, I got out of bed, and, kneeling by the side of Blarney, he made me repeat such a long succession of prayers, that every joint trembled with cold. At last, thinking proper to end his devotions, we got into bed, and, bein very much fatigued with travelling so many miles, I instantly fell asleep.
But how great was my surprize when I awoke in the morning and found my partner gone! however, concluding that he had some business to transact in the town, and that, when he had performed it, he would return and call me, I remained perfectly satisfied, and insensibly fell into another doze; from which I was rouzed by the woman of the house, who asked me, in a very rough manner, if I meant to sleep all day as well as all night; upon which I asked her what time of the morning it was;—"Time," says she, "why, it's time to go to dinner!" At which I was so startled that I got up and dressed, myself in a few minutes, and, descending the ladder, inquired if she had seen my bedfellow that morning;—"Seen him!" says she, no, no; Dennis Blarney knows better than to be seen in Kildare by daylight; I warrant him that he's a good ten mile of the road by this time!" When I inquired into the meaning of her suggestions, she told me, that he was as big a villain as was unhanged, and had actually been tried, at the assizes in that town, on a suspicion of burglary.
On hearing this account, which I believed as neither more nor less than a downright falsehood, I told the woman that certainly she was deceived; for I was convinced, by his behaviour, that he was not only an honest, but a religious, man: at which my landlady burst into a loud laugh, and asked me how long I had been acquainted with him; on my replying, only about three hours before I entered her house, she said, that was long enough in all conscience; and bade me, as I valued my character, if ever I met Blarney again to shun him as I would a third-day ague.
My stomach being, by this time, ready for the reception of another meal, I ordered some eggs to be boiled, and demolished nine in as many seconds, which, lest they should lie heavy, I qualified with a quart of ale; and, inquiring how much they came to, was preparing to discharge the obligation, when, lo! I put my hand in my pocket, and found my money had fled!—I searched one pocket after another, with the utmost trepidation; but, alas! all to no purpose. My landlady, perceiving my tribulation, inquired the cause; and, when I informed her that I had lost my money, she asked what opinion I had of honest Dennis Blarney now; who, it seems, notwithstanding all his morality and religion, had thought proper to march off not only with my money, but likewise with two shirts, three pair of stockings, and a linen waistcoat, which I had tied up in a handkerchief, and left in the room when I went to rest.
I was so affected at first with my loss that I wept bitterly, being left in a strange place, totally destitute of friends, and not a penny in my pocket to procure me food. The poor woman, at whose house I had lodged, took companion on my distress, and told me that I was extremely welcome to what I owed herself; but advised me, while I lived, not to be over-ready in giving credit to the professions of men, that I did not know at first, for the future. With this wholesome admonition in my head, and abundance of sorrow in my heart, I went forth from her house, with a considerable addition to my experience, and not a penny in my pocket.
After sauntering about the place a great part of the day, I chanced to pass by a gate-way, intirely wrapt up in contemplation on the melancholy state of my finances, when a noise, all on a sudden, assailed me, so loud, shrill, and discordant, that I verily believed it had burst the drum of my ear. After instinctively clapping my hands to my head, to feel if it had not received some alteration from the violent nature of the assault, I turned about, and saw a fellow in a livery-coat, striped waistcoat, red breeches, and an old gold-laced hat, in the act of blowing a trumpet. This prodigious exertion (which, indeed, was not thrown away, for he made the very element resound with the alarm) swelled his cheeks to the resemblance of bladders overcharged with wind.
When he had finished this melodious flourish, (which had drawn together a large auditory of men, women, and children,) he changed the mode of entertainment, and proceeded to give a verbal description of the wonderful sights that were brought to the town, for the mere purpose of contributing to their amusement. He conveyed his lively descriptions in a voice, that, had I been blind, I never should imagine could have issued from human organs;—he seemed to heave every sentence from his lungs with prodigious difficulty, and with such a terrible hoarseness of accent as rendered the pleasant sallies of his imagination almost unintelligible.— "This is the time, my noble masters," roared this herald of wonders, to see the largest white bear, d'ye see, that ever was brought from the shores of Greenland!—its body is as large as a young elephant, and every claw as thick as my leg!—Moreover, besides that, we have brought a most astonishing baboon, as tall, when he stands upright, d'ye see, as e'er a trooper in the Ligonier horse!—and, for the pleasure and satisfaction of my noble masters and mistresses, d'ye see, the bear and the baboon shall dance the minivit
dilly core,
such as was danced before their majesties at Windsor, God bless 'em!—The bear larn'd the minivit-step from Tom Surly, who kept a threepenny-halfpenny hop in St. Giles's; and the baboon was larn'd by the famous Monsieur Neverashirt, in Petty-France.—This is your time, my hearts of gold, to see the wonderful wild beestis!"
Having, by the superior eloquence of his harangue, drawn a young woman to the feet of some steps that led to the scene of wonders, he suddenly clapped his shoulder to her bottom, (while she stood gazing, with her mouth wide open,) and, fairly lifting her up three steps, began to roar,
See how they tumble up there! my hearts; now's your time, or never!
—The young woman was so confounded at her unexpected elevation, that, for fear of turning about, and exposing herself to the mirth of the mob, she paid her money at the entrance, and hurried in as fast as her legs could carry her; and the consequences proved, that the fellow's ingenious expedient, of forcing the young woman, in a manner, to become a spectator against her own consent, was well timed; for the rest of the assembly began to ascend so fast, that, in a short space of time, the room of exhibition was intirely crammed.
The fellow at the door soliciting me to deposit my two-pence for the sight, among the rest, with all the persuasion he was master of, I ingenuously told him, that two-pence, in coin, was, at that time, more than I was worth in the whole world. Upon his asking if I had a strong desire to see the show, and my replying in the affirmative, he bade me follow him, for that they were going to begin.
Elated with the opportunity of seeing the dance for nothing, and highly pleased with the good-natured offer of the man, I followed him into a dark passage, when, upon lifting up the shattered remains of an old carpet, I found myself on a sudden behind the scenes, but the place was so dark that I could not distinguish one object from another; nor should I have been able to have discovered the situation of the audience, if it had not been for the thundering clamour which they made for the show-man to begin.
I was so embarrassed in my new sitution that I was afraid to stir, for fear of doing some mischief, when, in the midst of a loud roar, which the spectators set up for the entertainments to commence, a fellow in the gallery, enraged at the delay, and perceiving me groping about the stage, whom he mistook for the show-man himself, threw an apple with such force as, unluckily coming full in my left eye, made it actually strike fire, and frightened me to that degree, that, attempting to make my escape, I ran directly against Master Bruin, who was sitting upon his hind legs, ready to be led out to dance by his agreeable partner, the baboon. The strength with which I ran against the bear (who had not been used to such intrusions) offended him so much, that, quickly turning round, he seized me in his paws, and, griping me with more violence than Hercules ever did Anteus, made me bawl out
murder
without intermission, until the keeper came with a light to my rescue, and found me inclosed fast in the shaggy animal's embrace, while he was pummelling me over the head and face with his snout, which, it was extremely lucky for me, was securely muzzled, otherwise the angry brute had certainly made a breakfast on my brains.
When the keeper made him quit his prey, by dint of many hard blows, which he gave Bruin with a long pole that he kept for that purpose, I dropped motionless on the ground, and sainted in a fit, out of which I was recovered, as I afterwards found, by an old woman, who poured a whole pail-full of water upon my face, which instantaneously called me back to life; but the remedy was attended with one disagreeable effect, which was, that it left me as wet as if I had been dipped in the river.
Upon my expressing some apprehensions of catching cold, the old woman desired me to go with her, and she would bring me to a fire that I might dry myself. I, at first, was rather unwilling to embrace her offer, for fear of losing a sight of the dance; but an accident happened, which made me think I could dry myself, and return to the show, time enough for the diversion.—The occurrence was briefly this: — in the general confusion, when the keeper was belabouring the bear, the baboon, who had, on more occasions than one, felt the ponderous weight of his arm, under a notion that, possibly, his turn might be next, thought, like many an able general, that it was equally honourable, and infinitely safer, to make a retreat from an enemy in time, whom he could not encounter without a certainty of losing the battle; and, in pursuance of this resolution, he made the best of his way to the top of the building, where he sat on a cross beam, grinning with a mischievous and malignant aspect upon his master, every now and then scratching his rump, as if he meant to treat both him and his vengeance with sovereign contempt: however, the keeper, who had been pretty well accustomed to the unlucky pranks of this facetious young gentleman, procured a ladder and a horse-whip, and was ascending to bring his excentric pupil to a proper sense of his duty, when I went out with the old gentlewoman to dry myself by her fire.
CHAPTER XIII.
Description of a minuet.—The keeper apologizes for the bear's want of politeness.—The musician overthrown.—I commence vagabond.—Leave the town. —Arrive at a rural hotel.—A picture of the
caravansera
and its inhabitants.— The inconveniences of going to bed in the dark.—A battle-royal.—A conference in low life.—The good effects of obedience in domestics.
I Returned from drying myself just in the nick of time, for the dance between the bear and the baboon was then going to begin. I must own my expectations were exceedingly great, and I surveyed the progress of the brutes with particular attention. When the baboon extended his paw to the bear, he seemed to accept it with that sullen kind of complaisance, which made it appear rather a matter of force than inclination; but, receiving from the show-man, at that instant, a well-directed thump upon his posteriors, it brought him to such a proper sense of decency and good manners, that he immediately proceeded to the front of the stage with all the grace and agility of which he was master; when a little man, with one leg, and as blind as a mill-horse, who sat on a chair in the center of the platform, began to play the well-known and equally-celebrated tune of
Sheelana-gig
upon an old violin that appeared to have received as much injury from the hand of time as himself; for, of the five strings, (which the original inventor of the instrument thought necessary to the production of perfect harmony,) there were but two remaining. But this decrepid Orpheus seemed to think very little of such an impediment; for, labouring away with head, hands, and feet, he brought forth an infernal, grating, distant, resemblance of the tune in question; indeed, had he performed ever so well, it would have answered very little purpose; for the sportive animals, either from want of a musical ear, or stubbornness of disposition, paid so little regard to the time or the tune, that it was palpable they jumped and skipped about as disorderly as if they had been both deaf to the elegant flourishes of the blind harmonist:—but, what they wanted in knowledge and attention, they amply made up in effect; for, during the performance, the laughter and applause that accompanied it was truly wonderful.
At the close of the dance, some of the more intelligent part of the audience publicly complained to the show-man, that the dance which they had seen was not the dance that they were promised. The keeper replied, that he was sorry their complaint was, in one particular, but too well grounded; "for," said he, "I have been told as how, in dancing the minevit
dilly core,
they must not turn their backside on the audience; now, though I have beat the bear black and blue, as it were, my masters, I could not, for the soul of me, bring him to alter his manners, or to think otherwise than that his breech was, to the full, as honourable as any other part of his rough composition."
The keeper's apology for Bruin's want of politeness was received with great approbation, and he was desired to go on with the diversions.—
Now, though the minevit might not be to your fancy altogether," says the show-man, you shall see a horn-pipe in style, and, damme, I defy any of the great playhouses in London to shew a better!— the bear shall perform against any of 'em for a guinea, and I say
done
first! why, it's no matter to me if they belong (I'se not afraid of my money) to Common-Garden, d'ye see, my masters, or the noted Flockton!
At the close of this inimitable panegyric on his companion and fellow-traveller, the bear, he gave him a violent thump on the head with a stick, which, it seems, was a signal for beginning, to which the animal had been so well used, that he immediately began to caper about the stage in a surprising manner.
The poor sightless fiddler was playing the tune of Nancy Dawson with great eagerness, to accommodate his friend Bruin as well as he was able, when the master of the ceremonies, not intirely satisfied with his pupil's performance, lifted up his stick to the shaggy actor in a threatening manner, which alarmed him so much, (expecting the terrific motion to be followed by a blow,) that, in the endeavour to retreat from his fury, he fell backwards over the maimed musician, and so crushed his weather-beaten carcass with his ponderous weight, that it was greatly apprehended, by all present, that a stop was put to his gut-scraping talent for ever.
A few yards from the prostrate victim lay the remains of his once-famed violin, from whose genial womb he had so often called forth the fascinating strains of melody, to beguile the lazy foot of time, and dissipate the impressions of care from the peasant's mind:— but, alas! it was decreed that it should yield delight no more; for it lay (participating the fate of its master) in a state of ruin, and shattered into a hundred pieces.
The lamentable situation of the fallen son of Apollo seemed to awaken the soft influence of sympathy in every breast;— the keeper having secured the bear, every attention appeared now to center in the fiddler's catastrophe. After rubbing his temples with vinegar, for a few minutes, it was evident that he began to breathe, when a young surgeon, who had mingled with the throng, offered his assistance
gratis,
and recommended that he should be instantly bled, which operation he set about performing without hesitation; and, having tied up his arm; he opened a vein, whence the blood flowed in streams as thick and valuable as ever warmed the frame of an Irish king. The wiser part of the company, foreseeing that, if he continued to bleed in that manner for a short time longer, it must inevitably deprive him of the little life that remained, proposed binding up his arm, to which the surgeon assented; and he was conveyed to the next house to receive such nourishment as the personal injuries he had suffered made necessary.
The alertness and activity, I had shewn in attending upon the poor fiddler, had attracted the notice of the master of the show; who, after the business was concluded, took occasion to ask me some questions, as, who I was? &c. intermixing his inquiries with some flattering compliments, such as, he believed I was a damned clever boy; and that, if I had a mind to go with him, I should live as merry as the day was long.
Surrounded as I was by distress, and entirely destitute of a friend on whom I could, with any degree of certainty, rely for a shilling, I thought I could not, in my present circumstances, do better than close with the bear-leader's proposal; so, striking his hand, with a hearty good will, which he held out for that purpose, he shook it in so cordial, and at the same time so vigorous, a manner, that I thought at first he had dislocated my shoulder; but this friendly salute, on the part of the show-man, was considered as a ratification of the treaty between us, which was now, agreeably to the nature of such bargains, signed and sealed to all intents and purposes.
As my new master thought that he had gleaned the harvest of the town pretty well, it was judged expedient, in a full council, composed of him, the trumpeter, and myself, (for the poor fiddler remained so ill, from the rough usage of the bear, that we were forced to leave him behind,) to move our quarters with all convenient expedition; so, after securing Master Bruin, (who, I was informed, was apt to be extremely unruly, unless such a precaution was taken,) and tying up the baboon in a sack, which was kept for that purpose, we deposited them, and the rest of our portable furniture in a cart, and, at exactly half an hour after three the next morning, began our march, taking our route towards the northern part of the kingdom.
As we were tolerably well provided against the inconveniences of travelling so early, (my master having wisely furnished himself with a bottle of whiskey, and some bread baked on an iron griddle,) we proceeded as joyously as we could wish, the trumpeter every now and then favouring us with a song, the burdens of which I do not think necessary to repeat; for, though the intention of the shrill, sense-stunning, chanter was to oblige us by his vocal essays, the composition of his favourite ditties was not any ways remarkable for delicacy of expression.
In this care-killing disposition did we pass along until we came to a little dirty hovel, by the road-side, which, by the number of cars that were ranged before the door, we presently knew to be a kind of
caravansera,
or rural
hotel,
where animals, of all descriptions, might be entertained with bed and board, at all the hours of the day and night, for a very small consideration. It was now resolved that we should stop, and procure a fresh supply of hay for old Sorrel, the miserable horse that drew the cart and its appendages, he having long since devoured the
quota
that was allotted him at the time we set out, and which, for his convenience, was tied in a bundle, and hung immediately under his nose, that, in order to lose as little time as possible, he might eat and work at the same instant; and, from what I understood, it was a step absolutely necessary to be taken; for he was one of those obstinate kind of quadrupeds that would have his own way, and, if once they neglected to satisfy his appetite, the devil might draw the cart for Sorrel.
When we made our entrance into the inn, (the sides of which were built of mud, cemented with straw, and formed a sort of wall, about three feet in thickness, and covered with thatch, so old and so productive, that, in many places, it appeared more verdant than the adjacent fields, by the large quantity of grass and weeds with which it was covered over,) I thought myself transported on a sudden into the regions of darkness; which would have been total, but for the faint glimmering of the remains of a turf fire, which pervaded the surrounding gloom from a corner of this wretched hovel. But, though it might, with great truth, be figuratively called the habitation of darkness, it was by no means the abode of silence; for a variety of voices issued from every part of the place at the same time, that formed a kind of grating discord, which may be conceived by the imagination, but is wholly undescribable by words.
Feeling myself very much chilled by the coldness of the morning air, I ventured to grope my way, as well as I could, to the place where I saw the fire, but had not gone three steps before I stumbled, and, falling over a large warm body, which intercepted my passage, I alighted on the other side in an instant, and unluckily pitched my head right into the face of a drover of cattle, who lay snoring upon his back, with his mouth open a foot wide. He no sooner felt the unwelcome visit than he grappled me fast by the hair of my head, which he held most tenaciously, while he struck me on the ribs with such fury, that I thought, in my terrors, he had actually drove them into my body, calling me a little dirty
spalpeen
son of a whore. Though by no means equal in strength to my adversary, I was so enraged at the smart of the discipline I had received, that I returned his favours with all the vigour I was able; and we lay struggling together on the ground for some seconds, till a cow, (who, it appeared afterwards, was my assailant's bedfellow,) being disturbed by the affray, got up, turned herself about, and, lifting her tail, let fly without any sort of ceremony, and absolutely deluged both him and me with the copiousness of her evacuation. On the receipt of this fresh annoyance he quitted his hold, and I crept away, well pleased to escape the farther effects of his revenge, even in my present filthy condition.
The noise which we made in this dirty rencounter had, by this time, awakened several more of the lodgers in this dreary temple of repose, from one of whom issued the following question, in a sound which made me tremble in every limb, very much resembling that of a boatswain, with a hoarseness, bellowing through the speaking-trumpet of a first-rate man of war,—
Blood and ouns, what's all this ye're at and be damned to you?—by the sweet Jasus but you are making a pretty sort of a rumpus, so you are!—
arrah, mun jowl,
you vagabonds, if you're not quiet, in no time at all at all, your souls to the devil, but I'll be after running the pitch-fork, up to the hilt, in every whore's son of ye, d'ye see; — ah! by the Immaculate, into my own swate cow herself, God bless her, so I will.
— To which dreadful threat another voice replies, which, from the dialogue that ensued, we understood to be a female's, "Arrah, Darby, now, what makes you be putting yourself into such a hell of a passion? — can't you be azy, and let 'em fight and be damned:"—when the other roared, No, you Munster bitch, I won't be azy, nor have my house disturbed at this time of night by any
spalpeen
among them."—"Hush!" cries the female voice, evidently softening her tone, "hush! my dare Darby, if you're after talking so you'll affront your lodgers, and lose their custom:"— which prudent hint was taken in such dudgeon by the other, that he answered, with great vociferation,
What's that you say, Mistress Juggy?—I shall lose their custom!—may I never ate another
peratee
but to the devil I pitch both them and their custom;—and, I'll tell you what, if you don't take a friend's advice, and get up and strike a light immadiately, you notorious whoore of Ireland, I'll be after leathering your fat carcass like a sack, so I will.
The sound of the word
leather
had scarcely reached her ear, when (well knowing the inauspicious omens it conveyed) she leaped up from her long-feathered resting-place, and, in the twinkling of an eye, began to rake together the ashes of the turf; at the same time kneeling down, she took the candle in one hand, while, with the tongs (made of a twisted sapling) she held a piece of turf with the other, and, putting them together, she applied her mouth close to the sod, and, by the dint of a few blasts, heaved with force from lungs of no ordinary texture, lighted the taper; in consequence of which, we could, with great ease and satisfaction, distinguish each other.
CHAPTER XIV.
A faithful portrait of the chamber-maid, coloured after nature.—Overtures of friendship, or small circumstances necessary to link society.—Portrait of the
maitre d'hotel.
—A general alarm.— A circumstance takes place, which proves honesty to be the best policy.—After settling our accounts, we bid adieu to the retreat of filth and indigence, and follow the caprices of fortune.
BY the assistance of the light I could easily perceive that this public hospitable receptacle was equally open for the accommodation of every kind of animal, man included. In the center of the place was erected a kind of temporary manger, under which some horses were extended in a sound sleep; and, at their heads, their drivers were employed in the same salutary pastime, with their bodies parallel with the wall.
But what attracted my attention most was the singular appearance of the lady, who had deigned, in conformity with the commands of her master, to illuminate the filthy hovel. Her person was rather of the shortest, being without her brogues, and besides, the lady exposed somewhat too much of the
rerum naturae
for the eye of modesty, in height about four feet and an inch;—her figure square, squab, and flabby;—and her hair (of which she seemed to have a prodigious quantity) was of the deepest tint of that obnoxious colour, vulgarly called
carroty,
part of which hung in wanton ringlets down her shoulder, and the remainder appeared to be tied up as rough and strong as a colt's mane, under the miserable remnants of a dirty piece of linen, which (so indifferent was the fair Juggy in the ornaments of her beauteous person) served as a
succedaneum
for a cap.—Her extremities bore all the marks of a vigorous, muscular, proportion; particularly her legs, which were coarse, red, and scurfy, and had evidently a strong inclination to be bandy, and the
gasterocnemii
of which were as large and sinewy as those of the Farnese Hercules.—This delicate frame of the kind and officious nymph was sheltered from the rude winds, and more especially from the roving eye of curious and unhallowed observers, by a kind of smock, in the colour of which both black and white seemed to contend for the superiority; and the back of which (the only part I had the happiness of surveying) reached just as low down her body as where the most skilful anatomists have thought proper to place the origin of the
glutaeus;
and from which spot commences the formation of those convenient, globular, bodies, in the neighbourhood of which the concurring determinations of the most sagacious of mankind have placed the sensible seat of personal honour.—I had just time to take this cursory survey of her person, when the spirit of delicacy impelled her to waddle towards the straw, whence she had just risen, and there I left her, gathering up the tattered remains of her motley drapery, to enable her to go through the duties and labour of the approaching day.
As a kind of general disturbance had taken place, and some of the drovers thought it time to get up, and pursue their several journies, a considerable number had assembled round the fire, among whom were myself, the show-man, and the trumpeter. After some time employed in yawning, rubbing their eyes, and shrugging their shoulders, it was proposed to smoke a whiff before they set off; and, in consequence, a small pipe was produced, broke off to the length of two inches, covered with an incrustation of dirt, and, by the long course of service it had seen, as black as my hat. This was instantly filled with tobacco, and, when properly lighted, was handed, as a testimony of good fellowship, round the company, who, each in his turn, took a blast for about five minutes, and then, without ceremony, unwiped, and reeking warm from the rotten teeth and gums of their associates, they partook, well pleased, refreshing whiffs from the joy-inspiring weed.— When the pipe came round to me, it was with the utmost loathing of my stomach that I accepted of the instrument of social intercourse; but, apprehensive of appearing to dislike what all my companions seemed to relish with so high a gust, I resolved to make a virtue of necessity, and, taking the pipe, and putting it to my mouth with an intention of smoking, a more offensive smell assailed my nose than could possibly have issued from the celebrated box of Madam Pandora, which was reported to contain all that was shocking and calamitous to human nature. Under the pretence of tobacco making me sick, I was obliged to shift the pipe to my neighbour, with the best grace I was able.
We were now joined by the
maitre d' hotel,
whose gigantic figure corresponded with the tremendous sound of his voice, being a tall, bony, man; in stature, when he stood upright, at least six feet four or five inches, with a grisly black beard; and had on a dirty woollen night-cap, and a frieze great coat thrown loosely over his shoulders. In this garb he mixed among his guests, and inquired if we were inclined to have any refreshment before we pursued our journey. Upon my master's replying in the affirmative, the kind host was busied in preparing some eggs, with a thick cut from a piece of pork that hung in the chimney, dried to that extreme degree, that it was as void of juice, and as hard, as an oak-table; while the accomplished and love-inspiring Juggy was placing a three-legged stool before us, which was intended to serve as a table, in lieu of a better; when, all on a sudden, the whole process of eating was disturbed, and every one's attention engaged, by a noise and shrieking that seemed to alarm the very elements.
Juggy, who had been dispatched for the purpose of learning the cause of this terrible outcry, soon returned, with her hands lifted up in wonder, and her face pale with fear, crying out,
Och hone! och hone!
—With some difficulty we learned, in the midst of her lamentations, that a wild
baast
had bit off the head of Bryan M'Snivel. Upon this information we all started up in an instant, and ran to the scene of action.
When we got to our cart, we found a man roaring for assistance, with his head buried in the sack in which my master had tied up the baboon, and then we soon divined the cause of this bloody and dreadful adventure, which was exactly thus.—The stock of potatoes at the inn being consumed, and Juggy having forgot to provide a fresh supply on the day before, agreeably to the directions of her master, had prevailed upon Bryan M'Snivel (who, it seems, was one of her humble admirers) to go and forage among the cars before their departure, and get a small quantity out of each sack; and poor Bryan was actually engaged in this friendly business when he met with the misfortune alluded to; for, coming to our cart, among the rest, and perceiving a sack (which had formerly held potatoes) fastened at the mouth, he ventured to untie it, and thinking, from the position it lay in, that the potatoes were at the bottom, he put in his head and shoulders, and was groping about with his left arm, when he clawed hold of the baboon, who, being awaked from a sound sleep, was so irritated, that he immediately jumped up, and fastened his fangs an inch deep in the scull of the obliging Darby.
As soon as my master had disengaged the poor fellow from the teeth of the grinning animal, and brought his head once more into open day, he made a most rueful and sanguinary appearance; the features of his face were totally disfigured with the blood that still continued to flow without intermission from the wounded head of the disconsolate lover; indeed, upon examination, the perforation which the angry animal had made was so deep, that, had the misfortune happened to a scull of common thickness, his teeth must have gone clear through the pia-mater into the brain; but Darby's seat of understanding was cased, very luckily, with none of those flimsy defences; for, had the baboon penetrated an inch deeper, the wound would have still remained curable.
As the people of the inn seemed to lessen their attention towards us after this accident, we finished our repast with great expedition, and, paying the demand, yoked old Sorrel to the cart, and set forward on our journey.
CHAPTER XV.
We arrive at the place of destination.— I enter upon my new employment.— The necessity of paying due obedience to fools in office.—An instance to prove that authority should be exercised with discretion.—Leave my new master.— Take up my lodging at an inn.—Character of a neighbouring justice.— Joined by an itinerant soldier.
ABOUT ten the same morning we arrived safe, with all our baggage, at the place of destination; and, having deposited our friend Bruin and his companion in a place of safety, in a barn which my master had hired for the purpose of his exhibition, we began to perambulate the town, preceded by our trumpeter.
The nature of my office was to distribute hand-bills among the people, in which were pompously set forth the surprising wonders that would await their attention at the hour of seven in the evening; my master farther illustrating the description by a sort of oratory peculiar to those caterers of amusement for the vulgar; wherein he did not forget to inform them, that, for the paltry and low consideration of three-pence a head, they should see the greatest miracles that ever were brought into Ireland since the reign of Broderic, king of Leinster.
When we had gone through every part of the place, and announced our arrival, we repaired to the barn, to make up a temporary stage, and get every thing in readiness against the evening, that no disappointment might happen to the audience on the first night; to provide against which my master took unusual pains, knowing it, from experience, to be a matter extremely essential to our future success, as the people were generally induced to favour him with their company, in proportion to the account that they heard from those who attended the first night.
After Bruin and the baboon were taken from their confinement, and fed, we began a private rehearsal of the feats which it was intended should be performed in the evening; and indeed they acquitted themselves so well, that their leader had strong hopes of acquiring a great share of reputation, and, eventually, much profit, by their approaching performances: but, alas! as the wisest of mankind have been deluded by too fond an indulgence of hope, it was no wonder that my master should be deceived, who, certainly, had no great claim to the character of a man of wisdom.
At the proposed time of beginning, the company came pouring into the barn in great numbers; at the sight of which my master was so elevated, that he declared, he believed he should receive more money, in this place, than he had done in any other, since he came into that part of the country. Upon my informing him that there were upwards of eight and forty shillings already received, he began to rub his hands, exclaiming, "a lucky hit, by G—d!" when two stout fellows came behind the scenes, and instantly laid hold of his collar, followed by a thick-set lusty man, with a scarlet cloak and a bushy wig; who, it appeared at the conclusion, was a justice of the peace, and lived within a short mile of the town, and had taken offence, that any person should presume to exhibit their mummeries in that town, without first asking his permission; a compliment, it seems, which he had been always used to receive from every itinerant vagabond that visited his neighbourhood, from the comedian to the conjurer.
Upon my master (who now began to smoke the business) asking, with great humility, what was the reason of his being seized in that manner, like a common felon, the magistrate answered, contracting his brows into a most ferocious frown, "Oh! I'll let you know, you dog, the reason in proper time; I'll teach you, you vagrant scoundrel, to bring your mummery and nonsense here, to draw the money out of the pockets of the industrious poor, and to debauch, with your vicious spectacles, the morals of the young women!—take him away, I say, take him away!"—"Aye, but your reverence's worship," says another of his attendants, "what shall we do with the wild beastises?"—"What!" replies the sage pillar of the law, "has he brought the wild beasts among us too?—Oh! you varlet! I'll have you hanged, you dog, I will!—take him to jail; and, as for his monsters, we will secure them in the pound."— I am afraid to go near 'em, your honour," says the fellow."—"Afraid!" says the fat magistrate, "afraid of what, you blockhead? why, I suppose, he has neither got a mermaid, nor a crocodile, nor the huge Behemoth that we read of in the Bible."—"No, your honour," says the other, "but he's got a bear and a large monkey." What d'ye say? a bear and a monkey only!" says the witty justice, ha! ha! ha!—I'll punish the scoundrel for being such an ass as to bring a bear and a monkey to a place that abounded in such animals long before his arrival! ha! ha! ha!" laughing violently at his own sarcastic remark, and in which the people joined him, though the joke was fabricated at their expence.
The trumpeter, foreseeing that the end of this unlucky affair would be the total destruction of his employer, for whose interest he had imbibed a regard almost equal to his own, resolved to take ample revenge; and, while this fat terror of all the vagrant tribe was amusing himself with his jest, he unchained the bear, and, leading him slily to the back of the justice, slipped off his muzzle in an instant, and at the same time tripped up the heels of this little dispenser of the statutes, and made his escape as fast as he could; which he had scarcely put in execution, when the bear, finding himself at liberty, began to growl, which affrighted the servants of the justice so much, that they quitted my master's collar, and disappeared in a twinkling; leaving the magistrate, who lay sprawling on the ground, to the mercy of the bear, who no sooner perceived his prey than he seized him by his posteriors, and, after shaking him for a considerable time, with great violence, ran out into the town, through the door which they had left open in their confusion, with the little man in his mouth, plunging with his arms and legs to get loose, and calling out to the people to rescue him for the love of God. After running with him, in that perilous situation, above a quarter of a mile, he quitted his hold, and, making across the fields, dropped the justice in the middle of the high road, where he was found by his servants, in a deep swoon, a short time afterwards.
Thus, by a seemingly trivial omission of respect, was the fairest prospect of my poor master overthrown, perhaps for ever.—What became of him after this adventure I could never learn; for, the instant that he got his freedom, he made a most precipitate retreat as well as his trumpeter, and left me once more to ramble on the face of the creation, in search of employment to procure me the means of living.
After revolving in my mind the unfortunate train of events that had taken place, I began to think that this was not a place of safety for me to remain in, more especially since I understood that the justice was a vindictive man; and, as he was notorious for pursuing every person that he could to destruction, who was unhappy enough to have given him any umbrage whatever, what was I to expect, who was well known to be a limb of that party which had rendered him a public object of derision!—Upon these considerations I got over a gate, at the back of the barn, and, after crossing some fields, came to a cabin, at the the door of which I saw an old man sitting, with a long staff in his hand:— his venerable and silver locks, whitened by his infirmities and the hand of time, hung in scanty order down his palsied head. I approached him with an air of the most profound respect, and, inquiring if he knew a place where I could rest for that night, he told me, if it so pleased me, that I might lodge with him; at the same time pointing to a small board over the door, on which was painted,
Dry lodging for travellers,
which, in my contemplating the poor old man, who sat at the entrance, I had not noticed.
After inviting me to a share of his seat, which was made of sods of earth, placed over each other, we entered into discourse, in the progress of which I found that my venerable companion had formerly been a considerable farmer in that county; but, one misfortune happening upon the back of another had reduced him at last to a state of extreme indigence, at a time of life when the comforts annexed to prosperity are most requisite. I learned that he had been driven out of his last farm, and his cattle off the lands, for a year's rent, which he had been rendered unable to pay by a fire that had consumed a large stock of corn, on the produce of which, at market, he should have been enabled to have satisfied his landlord, who, I found afterwards, was the very individual justice, from whose resentment I had made my escape. Prompted by a desire to be acquainted with his character, my decrepid host complied in the following manner.—
When Justice Guttle first came to live in the town of —, he was neither more or less than a pettifogging attorney, and, before he had resided in the place three years, had caused more mischief and law-suits, among its inhabitants, than had been known before in the memory of the oldest person living, and, to do him justice, he had rendered himself completely detestable to all his neighbours: however, having a thorough knowledge of mankind, he always manifested it, by oppressing the poor and flattering the vices of the rich; and he succeeded so far, by making himself an active instrument in a long-contested county election, in favour of one 'Squire Bribe'em, who originally owned this manor, that he made him his agent; and that appointment was a woeful one to me as well as to his patron; for he had not been in his agency above ten years before he contrived, by one diabolical practice or another, to get the greatest part of the estate into his own hands; and this was the more easily effected, as the 'squire seldom came down among his tenantry in the country, but spent his time and his fortune in every species of riot and dissipation, till he had reduced himself so low that he was obliged to live upon a small annuity in the South of France; while his honest agent, the justice, keeps a coach and four, kills his own venison, and washes it down every day, after dinner, with at least a gallon of claret, to assist the powers of digestion.
Upon receiving this description of the magistrate I ventured to relate to the old man what had passed at —; which when he heard, he told me that I had acted a very wise part in leaving the town; for it was certain, if ever he got me in his clutches, he would punish me, upon one pretence or other, most severely; and I might think myself happy to get off with a public whipping, and, at least, a year's imprisonment in the county-jail. I was so much alarmed at this account that I determined to get up at day-break the next morning, lest, by some untoward accident, it might be discovered that I was in the vicinity of the place.
We were now joined by a maimed soldier and his wife, with a young child at her back, which she contrived to keep there by tying the two ends of her gown together, and forming a sort of bag, in which the child slept in perfect security. Having lodged at the cabin before, they all three walked into the house without any sort of ceremony, calling for some ale. After the warrior and his yokefellow had refreshed themselves, he came out with the mug in his hand, and offered it to the old man, who refused his kindness, by informing him that he had just been drinking; upon which he handed the mug to me, saying,
Here, my lad, you will drink, I suppose, though the landlord won't.
Thanking him for his kindness, I took the mug, and drank to his good health. —
Thankee, thankee, my lad,
said he; and, sitting down between me and the reverend host, he began to make some remarks upon the fineness of the evening; at the same time telling us, unasked, that he had travelled a good forty miles that day, and, being damnably tired, why, he did not care how soon he began to take a comfortable snoose.
END OF THE FIRST VOLUME.