Annus Mirabilis.
Annus Mirabilis:
OR, The Wonderful Effects of the approaching Conjunction of the Planets
Jupiter, Mars,
and
Saturn.
By
ABRAHAM GUNTER,
Philomath.
A Well-Wisher to the Mathematicks.
In nova fert animus mutatas dicere formas
Corpora —
I Suppose every Body is sufficiently appriz'd of, and duly prepar'd for the famous Conjunction to be celebrated the 29th of this Instant
December,
foretold by all the Sages of Antiquity, under the Name of the
Annus Mirabilis,
or the
Metamorphostical
Conjunction; a Word which denotes the mutual Transformation of Sexes, the Effect of that Configuration of the Celestial Bodies; the human Males being to be turned into Females, and the human Females into Males. As to Brutes, Antiquity is divided; nor will I interpose amongst those eminent Personages, or anticipate what the Event of a few Days will determine.
The
Egyptians
have represented this great Transformation by several very significant Hieroglyphicks, particularly one very remarkable. There are carv'd upon an Obelisk, a
Barber
and a
Midwife;
the Barber delivers his Razor to the Midwife, and she her Swadling Cloaths to the Barber.
Accordingly
Thales Milesius
(who, like the rest of his Countrymen, borrow'd his Learning from the
Aegyptians
) after having computed the Time of this famous Conjunction,
Then,
says he,
shall Men and Women mutually exchange the Pangs of Shaving and Childbearing.
Anaximander
modestly describes this Metamorphosis in Mathematical Terms:
Then,
says he,
shall the negative Quantity of the Women be turn'd into positive, their − into +;
(i. e.) their
less
into
more.
Plato
not only speaks of this great Change, but describes all the Preparations towards it.
"Long before the bodily Transformation (says he) Nature shall begin the most difficult Part of her Work, by changing the Ideas and Inclinations of the two Sexes; Men shall turn effeminate, and Women manly; Wives shall domineer, and Husbands obey; Ladies shall ride a Horseback, dress'd like Cavaliers; Princes and Nobles appear in Night-trails and Petticoats; Men shall squeak upon Theatres with Female Voices, and Women corrupt Virgins; Men shall knot and cut Paper; and even the
Northern
People,
: A Phrase (which for Modesty's Sake I forbear to translate) which denotes a Vice too frequent amongst us."
So far
Plato.
Nor was our own
Merlin
ignorant of this Transformation; witness that mysterious Stanza of his, the Meaning of which is now plain.
Then a Ministry full wise,
When they have spoil'd the Plotter's Guize,
Shall hang a Man right quickely,
Before he can plead his Bell—y.
That the Ministry foresaw this great Change, is plain from the
Callico-Act;
whereby it is now become the Occupation of the Women all over
England,
to convert their useless Female Habits into Beds, Window-Curtains, Chairs, and Joint-stools; undressing themselves (as it were) before their Transformation.
The Philosophy of this Transformation will not seem surprizing to People, who search into the
Bottom
of Things. Madam
Bourignon,
a devout
French
Lady, has shewn us, how Man was at first created Male and Female in one Individual, having the Faculty of Propagation within himself: A Circumstance necessary to the State of Innocence, wherein a Man's Happiness was not to depend upon the Caprice of another. It was not till after he had made a
faux pas,
that he had his Female Mate, (first join'd to him as the
Bohemian
Girls were join'd, and then separated.) Many such Transformations of Individuals have been well attested; particularly one by
Montaigne,
and another by the late Bishop of
Salisbury.
From all which it appears, that this System of Male and Female has already undergone, and may hereafter suffer several Alterations. Every Smatterer in Anatomy knows, that a Woman is but an introverted Man; a new Fusion and
Flatus
will turn the hollow Bottom of a Bottle into a Convexity; but I forbear, (for the Sake of my Men Readers, who are in a few Days to be Virgins.)
In some Subjects, the smallest Alterations will do; some Men are sufficiently spread about the Hips, and contriv'd with that Female Softness, that they want only the Negative Quantity to make them Buxon Wenches; and there are Women who are, as it were, already the
Ebauche
of a good sturdy Man. If Nature cou'd be puzzl'd, it will be how to bestow the redundant Matter of the exuberant Bubbies that now appear about Town, or to roll out the short dapper Fellows into well-siz'd Women.
Aristotle
has with great Nicety determin'd the Case of Eunuchs and Hermophrodites.
The first,
says he,
will be transform'd into Barren Women,
(I suppose he means like a spay'd Hen.)
The second will change their predominant Inclination:
I am glad of this Circumstance of Eunuchs, because the Opera will not be interrupted by their big Bellies.
This great Conjunction will begin to operate on
Saturday
the 29th Instant. Accordingly, about Eight at Night, as
Senzino
begins,
Si videte, Did you but see?
He shall be observ'd to make an unusual Motion; upon which the Audience will be affected with a red Suffusion over their Countenance: And because a strong Succussion of the Muscles of the Belly is necessary towards performing this great Operation, both Sexes will be thrown into a profuse involuntary Laughter; then (to use the modest Terms of
Anaximander
) shall negative Quantity be turn'd into positive,
&c.
Time never beheld, nor will it ever assemble such a Number of untouch'd Virgins within those Walls; but alas! such will be the Impatience and Curiosity of People to act in their new Capacity, that many of them will go to Pot that very Night. To prevent the Disorders that may happen upon this Occasion, is the chief Design of this Paper.
Gentlemen have begun already to make use of this Conjunction to compass their filthy Purposes. They tell the Ladies forsooth, that it is only parting with a perishable Commodity; hardly of so much Value as a Callico Under-petticoat, since, like its Mistress, it will be useless in the Form it is now in. If the Ladies have no Regard to the Dishonour and Immorality of the Action, I desire they will consider that Nature, who never destroys her own Productions, will exempt big-belly'd Women till the Time of their Lying-in; so that not to be transform'd, will be the same as to be pregnant. If they don't think it worth while to defend a Fortress that is to be demolish'd in a few Days, let them reflect that it will be a melancholly thing Nine Months hence, to be brought to Bed of a Bastard; a posthumous Bastard as it were, to which the
Quondam
Father can be no more than a dry Nurse.
This wonderful Transformation is the Instrument of Nature, to balance Matters between the Sexes. Then shall the Cruelty of scornful Mistresses be return'd, and they forc'd to sue to their new form'd Lovers with yet stronger Desires: Happy Lovers shall repay in kind the Favours they have receiv'd, and be as bless'd as their fellow Worms of the Earth, who (contemptible as they seem) are fram'd by Nature to enjoy both Pleasures. The slighted Maid shall grow into an imperious Gallant, and reward her Undoer with a big Belly, and a Bastard. The Coquette Wife shall turn the jealous Husband; and every Individual shall be able to decide the Question so much disputed, concerning the comparative Delights of the Sexes.
It is hardly possible to imagine the Revolutions that this wonderful Phaenomenon will occasion over the Face of the Earth. I long impatiently to see the Proceedings of the Parliament of
Paris,
as to the Title of Succession to their Crown; this being a Case not provided for by the
Salique
Law. There will be no preventing Disorders amongst Friars and Monks; for certainly Vows of Chastity don't bind but under the Sex in which they were made. The same will hold good with Marriages, tho' I think it will be a Scandal amongst Protestants for Husbands and Wives to part, since there remains still a possibility to perform the
Debitum Conjugale
by the Husband being
femme Couverte.
I submit it to the Judgment of the Gentlemen of the Long Robe, whether this Transformation does not discharge all Suits of Rapes?
The Pope must undergo a new groping; but the false Prophet
Mahomet
has contriv'd Matters well for his Successors; for as the Grand Signior has now a great many fine Women, he will then have as many fine young Gentlemen at his Devotion.
These are surprizing Scenes, but I beg leave to affirm, that the solemn Operations of Nature are Subjects of Contemplation, but not of Ridicule; therefore I make it my earnest Request to the merry Fellows, and giggling Girls about Town, that they would not put themselves in a high Twitter, when they go to visit a General Lying-in of his first Child; his Officers serving as Midwives, Nurses and Rockers, dispensing Caudle; or if they behold the Reverend Prelates dressing the Heads and airing the Linnen at Court, I beg they will remember that these Offices must be fill'd with People of the greatest Regularity, and best Characters. For the same Reason, I am sorry that a certain Prelate, who notwithstanding his Confinement, still preserves his healthy, chearful Countenance, cannot come in time to be a Nurse at Court.
I likewise earnestly intreat the Maids of Honour, (then Ensign and Captains of the Guards,) that at their first setting out, they have some Regard to their former Station; and not run wild through all the infamous Houses about Town. That the present Grooms of the Bed-Chamber (the Maids of Honour) would not eat Chalk and Lime in their Green-Sickness: And in general, that the Men would remember that they are then become
Retromingent,
and not by Inadvertency lift up against Walls and Posts. Petticoats will not be burdensome to the Clergy; but Balls and Assemblies will be indecent for some Time.
As for you, Coquettes, Bawds, and Chambermaids, (the future Ministers, Plenipotentiaries and Cabinet-Counsellors to the Princes of the Earth,) manage the great Intrigues that will be committed to your Charge, with your usual Secrecy and Conduct; and the Affairs of your Masters will go better than ever.
O ye
Exchange
Women (our Right Worshipful Representatives that are to be) be not so griping in the Sale of your Ware as your Predecessors, but consider that the Nation, like a spend-thrift Heir, has run out: Be likewise a little more continent in your Tongues than you are at present, else the Length of Debates will spoil your Dinners.
You Housewively good Women, who now preside over the Conjectionary, (henceforth Commissioners of the
Treasury
) be so good as to dispense the Sugar Plumbs of the Government with a more impartial and frugal Hand. Ye Prudes and censorious old Maids, (the Hopes of the
Bench
) exert but your usual Talent of finding Faults, and the Laws will be strictly executed; only I would not have you proceed upon such slender Evidences as you have done hitherto. It is from you, eloquent Oyster-Merchants of
Billingsgate,
(just ready to be call'd to the Bar, and quoif'd like your Sister-Serjeants,) that we expect the shortening the Time, and lessening the Expences of Law-Suits: For I think you are observ'd to bring your Debates to a short Issue; and even Custom will refrain you from taking the Oyster, and leaving only the Shell to your Clients. O ye Priests, who now in a clandestine Way exercise your Office of coupling, when you continue your Practice in a lower Sphere, I question not but you will be more successful than you have been hitherto, in pleasing both Parties. O ye Physicians, who in the Figure of old Women are to clean the Tripe in the Markets; scour it as effectually as you have done that of your Patients, and the Town will fare most deliciously on
Saturdays.
I cannot but congratulate human Nature, upon this happy Transformation; the only Expedient left to restore the Liberties and Tranquility of Mankind; which is so evident, that it is almost an Affront to common Sense to insist upon the Proof it. If there can be any such stupid Creature who doubts of it, I desire he will make but the following obvious Reflection: There are in
Europe
alone, at present, about a Million of sturdy Fellows, under the Denomination of standing Forces, with Arms in their Hands: That those are Masters of the Lives, Liberties and Fortunes of all the rest, I believe no body will deny. It is no less true in Fact, that Reams of Paper, and above a square Mile of Skins of Vellum have been employ'd to no Purpose, to settle Peace amongst those Sons of Violence. Pray, who is he that will say unto them,
Go and disband your selves?
But lo! by this Transformation it is done at once, and the
Halcyon
Days of publick Tranquillity return. For neither the military Temper nor Discipline can taint the soft Sex for a whole Age to come.
Bellaque matribus invisa, Wars odious now to Mothers,
will not grow immediately palatable in their Paternal State.
Nor will the Influence of this Transformation be less in Family-Tranquillity than it is in National. Great Faults will be amended, and Frailties forgiven on both Sides. A Wife who has been disturb'd with late Hours, and choak'd with the Hautgoût of a Sot, will remember her Sufferings, and avoid the Temptation; and will, for the same Reason, indulge her Mate in his female Capacity in some Passions, which she is sensible from Experience are natural to the Sex. Such as Vanity of fine Cloaths, being admir'd,
&c.
And how tenderly must she use her Mate under the breeding Qualms and Labour-Pains, which she felt her self? In short, all unreasonable Demands upon Husbands must cease, because they are already satisfy'd from natural Experience that they are impossible. That the Ladies may govern the Affairs of the World, and the Gentlemen those of their Houshold, better than either of them have hither done, is the hearty Desire of,
Their Most Sincere Well-Wisher, ABRAHAM GUNTER.
ADVERTISEMENTS.
PLanetary Powders, as necessary for the new Births of Sexes, as
Sperma Ceti
for Pumperous Women: Prepar'd and Sold by
John Moore,
Apothecary at the Pestle and Mortar in
Abchurch-Lane.
All Male and Female Implements exchang'd at reasonable Rates; at Mr.
Dards
Toy-Shop against St.
Dunstan
's Church.
All Sorts of Manly Exercise; Riding, Vaulting,
&c.
taught to the Ladies, at a Guinea a Lesson; at Mrs.
L—ge
's in
Red-Lion-Street.
And whereas such unexpected and amazing Mutations may come to pass: As for Example; A Quaker Girl transform'd to a Reverend Tub-preacher, and that under such sudden Alterations, Persons may find Difficulties in submitting to new Amours: Be it known to all, that at the Sign of the
Geneva Bible
in
Paul
's Church-Yard, there are to be Sold at moderate Rates,
Consciences that will comply to any Religion or Government.
FINIS.
LONDON:
Printed for J. ROBERTS, near the
Oxford-Arms
in
Warwick-Lane.
MDCCXXII. (Price Three Pence.)