LAW IS A
Bottomless-Pit.
Exemplified in the CASE of The Lord
Strutt, John Bull, Nicholas Frog,
and
Lewis Baboon.
Who spent all they had in a Law-Suit.
rinted from a Manuscript found in the Cabinet of the famous Sir
Humphry Polesworth.
LONDON:
Printed for
John Morphew,
near
Stationer's-Hall.
1712. (Price 2d.)
The Contents.
CHAP. I.
THE Occasion of the Law-Suit.
Chap. II.
How
Bull
and
Frog
grew jealous that the Lord
Struit
intended to give all his C
stom to his Grandfather
Lewis Baboon.
Chap. III.
A Copy of
Bull
and
Frog's
▪ Lette
Lord
Struit.
Chap. IV.
How
Bull
and
Frog
went to Law
Lord
Strutt
Premisses, and were joyn
by the rest of
Trade
en.
Chap. V.
The true Characters of
John Bull, Nic
Frog,
a
d Hocus.
Chap VI.
Of the
Success of the Law-Suit
Chap. VII.
How John Bull was so mightily pleas'd with his Succes
, that he was going to leave off his Trade, and turn Lawyer.
Chap. VIII.
How
John
disc
ver'd that
Hocus
had an Intrigue with his Wife, and what follow'd thereupon.
Chap. IX.
How Seign
er
Cavallo,
an
Italian
Qua
undert
k to Cure Mrs.
Bull
of her Ʋ lcer.
Chap. X.
Of
John Bull's
second Wife, and the go Advice that she gave him.
Chap. XI.
H
w
John
look'd over his Attorney's B.
Chap. XII.
How
John
grew Angry, and resolv'd
a Composition; and what Methods w
practi
d by the Lawyers for keeping him from
Chap. XIII.
How the Lawyers agreed to send
D Diego Dis
allo,
the Conjurer, to
John Bull,
diss
ade him from making an end of his La
Su
t; and what passed between them.
LAW is a Bottomless-Pit.
CHAP. I. The Occasion of the Law-Suit.
I Need not tell you of the great Quarrels that have happen'd in our Neighbourhood, since the Death of the late Lord
Strutt;
how the Parson and a cunning Attorney got him to settle his Estate upon his Cousin
Philip Baboon,
to the great disappointment of his Cousin Esquire
South.
Some stick not to say, that the Parson and the Attorney forg'd a Will, for which they were well Paid by the Family of the
Baboons:
Let that be as it will, it is matter of Fact, that the Honour and Estate have continued ever since in the Person of
Philip Baboon.
You know that the Lord
Strutts
have for many Years been possess'd of a very great Landed Estate, well condition
d, wooded, water
d, with Coal, Salt, Tin, Copper, Iron,
&c.
all within themselves; that it has been the Misfortune of that Family, to be the Property of their Stewards, Tradesmen, and inferior Servants, which has brought great Incumbrances upon them; at the same time not abating of their expensive way of Living, has forc'd them to Mortgage their best Manors: It is credibly reported, that the Butchers and Bakers Bills of a Lord
Strutt
that lived Two hundred Years ago▪ are not yet paid.
When
Philip Baboon
came first to the Possession of the Lord
Strutt
's Estate, his Tradesmen as is usual upon such Occasions, waited upon him to wish him Joy, and bespeak his Custom: The two chief were
John Bull
the Clothier, and
Nic. Frog
the Linnen-draper; they told him, that the
Bulls
and
Frogs
had serv'd the Lord
Strutts
with Drapery Ware for many Years; that they were honest and fair Dealers; that their Bills had never been question'd; that the Lord
Strutts
lived generously, and never us'd to dirty their Fingers with Pen, Ink, and Counters; that his Lordship might depend upon their Honesty, that they would use him as kindly as they had
ne his Predecessors. The young Lord seem
d to
all in good Part, and dismiss'd them with a deal of
Content, assuring them he did not intend to
any of the honourable Maxims of his Predecessors.
CHAP. II. How
Bull
and
Frog
grew jealous that the Lord
Strutt
tended to give all his Customs to his Grandfather
Baboon.
IT happen'd unfortunately for the Peace of our Ne
bourhood, that this Young Lord had an old cunni
Rogue (or as the
Scots
call it) a
false Loon
of a Gra
father, that one might justly call a
Jack of all Tra
sometimes you would see him behind his Counter sell
Broad Cloth, sometimes measuring Linnen, next Day
would be dealing in Mercery Ware; high heads, R
bons, Gloves, Fans and Lace he understood to a nice
Charles Mather
could not bubble a young Beau bet
with a Toy; nay, he would descend even to the sell
of Tape, Garters, and Shooe-buckles: When Shop
shut up, he would go about the Neighbourhood and ea
Half a Crown by teaching the young Men and Maids
Dance. By these Methods he had acquir'd imme
Riches. which he us'd to squander away at Back-Swor
Quarter-Staff, and Cudgel play, in which he took gre
Pleasure, and challeng'd all the Country. You will
it is no wonder if
Bull
and
Frog
should be jealous of th
F
llow.
It is not impossible (says
Frog
to
Bull
) but th
old Rogue will take the Management of the
ou
Lord's Business into his Hands; besides, the Rasc
has good Ware, and will serve him as cheap as a
body in that Case: I leave you to judge what mu
become of us and our Families, we must starve or tu
Journeymen to
Lewis Baboon;
therefore Neighbou
I hold it adviseable, that we write to young Lor
Strutt,
to know the Bottom of this Matter.
CHAP. III. A Copy of Bull and Frog's Letter to the Lord Strutt.
My LORD
I Suppose your Lordship knows that the
Bulls
and the
Frog
have served the Lord
Strutts
with all Sorts of Draper Ware, Time out of Mind; and whereas we are jealous not without Reason, that your Lordship intends henceforth to buy of your Grandsire old
Lewis Baboon;
This is to inform your Lordship, that this Procceediug does not suit with the Circumstances of our Families, who have lived and made a good Figure in the World by the Generosity of the Lord
Strutts:
Therefore we think fit to acquaint your Lordship, that you must find sufficient Security to us, our Heirs and Assigns, that you will not employ
Lewis Baboon,
or else we take our Remedy at Law clap an Action upon you of
20000 l.
for old Debts, seize and distrain your Goods and Chattels, which, considering your Lordship's Circumstances, will plunge you into Difficulties, from which it will not be easie to extricate your self; therefore we hope, when your Lordship has better consider'd on it, you will comply with the Desire of
Your loving Friends, John Bull, Nic. Frog.
Some of
Bull
's Friends advised him to take gentler Methods with the young Lord; but
John
naturally lov'd rough play. It is impossible to express the Surprize of the Lord
Strutt
upon the Receipt of his Letter, he was not flush in
Ready,
either to go to Law or clear old Debts, neither could he find good Bail: He offer'd to bring Matters to a friendly Accommodation; and promis'd upon his Word of Honour, that he would not change his Drapers; but all to no purpose, for
Bull
and
Frog
saw clearly, that old
Lewis
would have the Cheating of him.
CHAP. IV. How
Bull
and
Frog
went to Law with Lord
Strutt
about the Premisses, and were joyn'd by the rest of the Tradesmen.
ALL Endeavours of Accommodation between Lord
Strutt
and his Drapers prov'd vain, Jealousies encreas
d and indeed it was rumour'd abroad that Lord
Strutt
had bespoke his new Liveries of old
Lewis Baboon.
This coming to Mrs.
Bull
's Ears, when
John Bull
came Home he found all his Family in an uproar. Mrs.
Bull,
you must know, was very apt to be Cholerick.
You Sot,
says she
you loyter about Alehouses and Taverns, spend your Time
t Billiards, Nine-pins or Puppetshows, or flaunt about the Stre
ts in your new gilt Chariot, never minding me nor your numerous Family; don't you hear how Lord
Strutt
has bespoke his Liveries at
Lewis Baboon's
shop? don't you see how that old Fox steals away your Customers, and turns you out of your Business every Day, and you sit like an idle Drone with your Hands in your Pockets? Fie
, up Man, rouze thy self; I
ll sell to my Shift before
ll be so used by that Knave.
You must think Mrs.
Bull
had been pretty well tun'd up by
Frog,
who chim'd in with her learn
d Harangue. No further delay now, but to Counsel learn'd in the Law they go, who unanimously assur'd 'em both of the Justice and infallible Success of their Law-Suit.
I told you before, that old
Lewis Baboon
was a sort of a
Jack of all Trades,
which made the rest of the Tradesmen jealous, as well as
Bull
and
Frog;
they hearing of the Quarrel, were glad of an opportunity of joyning against old
Lewis Baboon,
provided that
Bull
and
Frog
would bear the Charges of the Suit; even Lying
Ned
the Chimney-sweeper and
Tom
the Dust-man put in their Claims, and the Cause was put into the Hands of
Humphrey Hocus
the Attorney.
A Declaration was drawn up to shew,
That
Bull
and
Frog
had undoubted Right by Prescription to be Drapers to the Lord
Strutts;
that there were several old Contracts to that purpose; that
Lewis Baboon
had taken up the Trade of Clothier and Draper, without serving his Time, or purchasing his Freedom; that he sold Goods that were not Marketable, without the Stamp; that he himself was more fit for a Bully than a Tradesman, and went about through all the Country Fairs, challenging People to fight Prizes, Wrestling and Cudgel-play: And abundance more to this purpose.
CHAP. V. The true Characters of John Bull, Nic. Frog, and Hocus.
FOR the better understanding the following History, the Reader ought to know, That
Bull,
in the main, was an honest plain-dealing Fellow, Cholerick, Bold, and of a very unconstant Temper; he dreaded not Old
Lewis
either at Back-Sword, single Fauchion, or Cudgel-play; but then he was very apt to quarrel with his best Friends, especially if they pretended to govern him: If you f
atter'd him▪ you might lead him like a Child.
John
's Temper depended very much upon the Air; his Spirits rose and fell with the Weather-glass.
John
was quick, and understood his Business very well, but no Man alive was more careless, in looking into his Accounts, or more cheated by Partners, Apprentices, and Servants: This was occasioned by his being a Boon-Companion, loving his Bottle and his Diversion; for to say Truth, no Man kept a better House than
John,
nor spent his Money more generously. By plain and fair dealing,
John
had acquir'd some Plumbs, and might have kept them, had it not been for his unhappy Law-Suit.
Nic. Frog
was a cunning fly Whore
on, quite the reverse of
John
in many Particulars; Covetous, Frugal; minded domestick Affairs; would pine his Belly to save his Pocket, never lost a Farthing by careless Servants, or bad Debtors: He did not care much for any sort of Diversions, except Tricks of
High-German
Artists, and
Leger de main;
no Man exceeded
Nic.
in these, yet it must be own'd, That
Nic.
was a fair Dealer, and in that way had acquir'd immense Riches.
Hocus
was an old cunning Attorney, what he wanted of Ski
l in Law, was made up by a Clerk which he kept, that was the prettiest Fel
ow in the World; he lov'd Money, was smooth Tongu'd, gave good Words, and seldom lost his Temper: He was not worse than an Infidel; for he provided plentifu
ly for his Family, but he lov'd himself better than them all: He had a termagant Wise, and, as the Neighbours said, was plaguy Hen-peck'd; he was seldom ob
erv'd, as some At
ornies will practice to give his own personal Evidence in Causes; he rather chose to do it
per test. conduct.
in a word, the Man was very well for an Attorney.
CHAP. VI. Of the various Success of the Law-Suit.
LAW is a Bottomless Pit, it is a Cormorant, a Harpy that devours every thing; John Bull
was flatter'd by his Lawyers that his Suit would not last above a Year or two at most; that before that time he would be in quiet Possession of his Business; yet ten long Years did
Hocus
steer his Cause through all the
Meanders
of the Law, and
all the Courts; no Skill, no Address, was wanting; and to say Truth,
John
did not starve the Cause: there wanted not
Tellow Boys
to see Counsel, hire Witnesses, and bribe Juries. Lord
Strutt
was generally Cast, never had one Verdict in his favour; and
John
was promis'd. That the next would be the final Determination; but alas! that final Determination, and happy Conclusion was like an inchanted Island, the nearer
John
came to it, the further it went from him: New Tryals upon new Points still arose; new Doubts, new Matters to be cleared in short. Lawyers seldom part with so good a Cause ti
they have got the Oyster, and their Clients the Shell,
John
Money, Book Debts, Bonds, Mortgages, all went into the Lawyers Pockets; then
John
began to borrow Money up in
Bank-Stock, East-India
Bonds, and now and then
Farm went to Pot: At last it was thought a good Expedient to set up Esquire
South
's Title to prove the Wi
Forg'd, and dispossess
Philip
Lord
Strutt
at once; here a gain was a new Field for the
Lawyers,
and the Caul grew more intricate than ever.
John
grew madder and madder: Wherever he met any of Lord
Strutt's
Servants he tore off their Cloaths: Now and then you would see them come home naked, without Shoes Stockings and Linnen. As for Old
Lewis Baboon,
he was reduc'd to his last Shift, tho' he had as many as any other: His Children were reduced from rich Silks to
Doi
Stuff
, his Servants in Rags and bare-Footed, instead or good Victuals, they now lived upon Neck-Bees, and Bullocks-Liver; in short, no Body got much by the Matter but the Men of Law.
CHAP, VII. How John Bull was so mightily pleas'd with his Success, tha
he was going to leav
off his Trade,
and turn Lawyer.
IT is wisely observed by a great Philosopher, That Ha
bit is a second Nature: This was verify'd in the Case o
John Bull,
who from an honest and plain Tradesman, had got such a haunt about the Courts of Justice and such a Jargon of Law-words, that he concluded himself as able a Lawyer, as any that pleaded at the Bar, or sat on the Bench: He was overheard one day, talking to himself after this manner,
How capriciously does Fate or Chance dispose of Mankind? How seldom is that Business allotted to a Man for which he is fitted by Nature? It is plain, I was intended for a Man of
Law:
How did my Guardians mistake my Genius. in placing me, like a mean Slave, behind a Counter? Bless me! What immense Estates these Fellows raise by the Law? Besides, it is the Profession of a Gentleman: What a Pleasure it is to be victorious in a Cause? To swagger at the Bar? What a Fool am I to drudge any more in this Woollen Trade? for a Lawyer I was born, and a Lawyer I will be; one is never too Old to learn▪
All this while
John
had con'd over such a Catalogue of hard words, as were enough to conjure up the Devil; these he used to bubble indifferently in all Companies, especially at Coffee-houses; so that his Neighbour Tradesmen began to shun his Company as a Man that was crack
d. Instead of the Affairs of
Blackwell-Hall,
and Price of Broad-cloath, Wooll, and Bayses, he talk'd of nothing but
Actions upon the Case, Returns, Capias, alias capias, Demurrers, Venire facias, Replevins, Supersedea's, Certiorari's, Writs of Error, Actions of Trovre and Conversion, Trespasses, Precipes & Dedimus:
This was matter of Jest to the learned in Law; however
Hocus
and the rest of the Tribe, encourag'd
John
in his Fancy, assuring him, That he had a great Genius for Law: That they question'd not but in time, he might raise Money enough by it to reimburse him of all his Charges; That if he study'd, he would undoubtedly arrive to the Dignity of a Lord Chief Justice: as for the Advice of honest Friends and Neighbours,
John
despis'd it; he look'd upon them as Fellows of a low Genius, poor grovelling Mechanicks;
John
reckon'd it more Honour to have got one favourable Verdict than to have sold a Bale of Broad-cloath. As for
Nic. Frog,
to say the Truth, he was more prudent, for tho' he follow'd his Law-Suit closely, he neglected not his Ordinary Business. but was both in Court and in his Shop at the proper Hours.
CHAP. VIII. How John discover'd that Hocus had an Intrigue with his Wife, and what follow'd thereupon.
JOhn
had not run on a madding so long had it not been for an extravagant Bitch of a Wife, whom
Hocus
perceiving
John
to be fond of, resolv'd to win over to his side. It is a true saying,
That the last Man of the Parish that knows of his Cuckoldom, is himself.
It 'twas observed by all the Neighbourhood, that
Hocus
had Dealings with
John
's
Wife,
that were not so much for his Honour; but this was perceiv'd by
John
a little too late: She was a luxurious Jade, lov'd splendid Equipages, Plays, Treats, and Ba
ls, differing very much from the sober Manners of her Ancestors, and by no means fit for a Tradesman's Wife.
Hocus
fed
er Extravagancy (what was still more shameful) with
John's
own Money. Every body said that
Hocus
had a Months mind to her Body; be that as it will, it is matter of Fact,
that
upon all occasions she run out extravagantly on the Praise of
Hocus.
When
John
us'd to be finding fault with his Bills, she us'd to reproach him as ungrateful to his greatest Benefactor; One that had taken so much pains in his Law-Suit, and retriev'd his Family from the Oppression of old
Lewis Baboon.
A
good swinging Sum of John's
readiest Cash, went towards building of
Hocus
's Country House. This Affair between
Hocus
and Mrs.
Bull
was now so open, that all the World were scandaliz'd at it;
John was not so Clod-pated,
but at
last
he took the Hint. The Parson of the Parish Preaching one Day a little sharply against Adultery, Mrs.
Bull
told her Husband▪ That he was a very uncivil Fellow to use such course Language before People o
Condition, That
Hocus
was of the same mind, and that they would joyn to have him turn'd out of his Living for using personal Reflections. How do you mean, says
John,
by personal Reflections? I hope in God, Wi
e, he did not reflect upon you. No, thank God, my Reputation is too well established in the World to receive any hurt from such a
oul Mouth'd Scoundre
l as he; his Doctrine tends only to make Husbands Tyrants, and Wive Slaves; must we be shut up, and Husbands left to their Liberty? Very pretty indeed; a Wi
e must never go abroad with a Platonick to see a Play or a Ball, she must never stir without her Husband; nor walk in Spring Garden with a Cousin. I do say, Husband, and I will stand by it, That without the innocent Freedoms of Life, Matrimony would be a most intollerable State; And that a Wi
e's Virtue, ought to be the result of her own reason, and not of her Husband
s Government; for my part, I would scorn a Husband that would be Jealous, if he saw a Fellow in Bed with me. All this while
John
's Blood boyl'd
o his Veins, he was now confirm'd in all his Suspicions; Jade, Bitch and Whore were the best Words that
John
gave her. Things went from better to worse, 'till Mrs.
Bull
aim'd a Knife at
John,
tho'
John
threw a Bottle at her Head very brutally indeed: After this there was nothing but Confusion; Bottles, Glasses, Spoons, Plates, Knives, Forks, and Dishes flew about like Dust, res
lt of which was, That Mrs.
Bull
receiv'd a bruise in her Right side, of which she dy'd half a Year after: The Bruise imposthumated, and afterwards turn'd to a stinking Ulcer, which made every body shie to come near her she melt so; yet she wanted not the help of many able Physicians, who attended very diligently, and did what Men of skill could do, but all to no purpose, for her Condition was now quite desperate, all regular Physicians and her nearest Relations having giv'n her over.
CHAP. IX. How Signior Cavallo, an Italian Quack, undertook to Cure Mrs. Bull of her Ulcer.
THere is nothing so impossible in Nature, but Montebanks will undertake; nothing so incredible, but they will affirm: Mrs.
Bull
's Condition was look'd upon as desperate by all the Men of Art; then Signior
Cavallo
judged it was high time for him to interpose, he bragged that he had an infallible Ointment and Plaister, which being applied to the Sore would Cure it in a few Days; at the same time he would give her a Pill that would purge off all her bad Humours, sweeten her Blood, and rectifie her disturb'd Imagination: In spite of all Signior
Cavallo
's Applications the Patient grew worse every Day, she stank so no body durst come within a Stone's throw of her, except Signior
Cavallo
and his Wife▪ whom he sent every Day to Dress her, she having a very gentle soft Hand. All this while Signior apprehended no Danger. If one ask'd him how Mrs.
Bull
did, better and better, says Signior
Cavallo;
the Parts heal, and her Constitution mends, if she submits to my Government▪ she will be abroad in a little time. Nay, it is reported, that he wrote to her Friends in the Country, that she should Dance a Jig next
October
in
Westmister
-Hall; that her Illness had been chiefly owing to bad Physicians. At last Signior one Day was sent for in great haste, his Patient growing worse and worse; when he came he affirmed, that it was a gross Mistake, that she never was in a fairer Way: Bring hither the Salve, says he; and give her a plentiful Draught of my Cordial. As he was applying his Ointments, and administring the Cordial▪ the Patient gave up the Ghost, to the great Confusion of Signior
Cavalio,
and the great Joy of
Bull
and his Friends. Signior slung away out of the House in great disorder, and swore there was foul Play, for he was sure his Medicines were infallible. Mrs.
Bull
having dy'd without any Signs of Repentance or Devotion, the Clergy would hardly allow her Christian Burial. The Relations had once resolved to sue
John
for the Murder, but considering better of it, and that such a Trial would rip up old Sores, and discover things not so much to the Reputation of the Deceased, they dropt their Design. She left no Will, only there was found in her strong Box the following Words wrote on a scrip of Paper,
My Curse on
John Bull
and all my Posterity, if ever they come to any Composition with my Lord
Strutt. There were many Epitaphs writ upon her, one was as follows;
Here lies
John
't Wife
Plague of his Life;
She spent his Wealth,
She wrong'd his Health,
And left him Daughters three,
As bad as she.
The Daughters Names were
Polemia, Discordia
and
Ʋ suria.
CHAP. X. Of John Bull's second Wise, and the good Advice that she gave him.
JOHN
quickly got the better of his Grief, and seeing that neither his Constitution, nor the Affairs of his Family could permit him to live in an unmarried State he resolved to get him another Wife; a Cousin of his last Wife's was propos'd, but
John
would have no more of the Breed: In short, he wedded a sober Country Gentlewoman, of a good Family and a p
entiful Fortune; the reverse of the other in her Temper, not but that she lov'd Money, for she was of a saving Temper, and apply'd her Fortune to pay
John
's clamarous Debts, that the unfrugal Methods of his last Wife, and this ruinous Law Suit had brought him into. One day as she
her Husband in good Humour, she talk'd to him after the following manner.
My Dear, since I have been
our Wife, I have Observ
d great Abuses and Disorders in
ur Family; your Servants are mutinous and quarrelsom,
d cheat you most abominably; your Cook-Maid is in Com
ination with your Butcher, Poulterer, and Wishmonger;
ur Butler purloin your Liquor and your Brew
r sells your
ogwash; your Baker cheats both in Weight and in Tale;
en your Milkwoman and your Nursary Maid have a Fellow
eling; your Taylor, instead of Shreads, Cabages whole
ards of Cloth; besides leaving such long Scores, and not
ing to Market with ready Money, forces us to take bad Ware
the Tradesmen at their own Price. You have not posted
Books these Ten Years; how is it possible for a Man of
usiness to keep his Affairs even in the World at this Rate?
ay God this
Hocus
be Honest; would to God you would
over his Bills, and see how Matters stand between
Frog
d you; prodigious Sums are spent in this Law Suit, and more
st be borrow'd of Scriveners and Usurers at heavy Interest;
sides, my Dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild
ject of leaving your Business to turn Lawyer, for which,
me tell you, Nature never design'd you. Believe me, these
gues do but flatter, that they may pick your Pocket. John
ard her all this while with patience, till she prcik'd
Maggot, and touch'd his tender point; then he broke
in a violent Passion.
What, I not fit for a Lawyer!
me tell you, my Clodpated Relations spoil'd the greatest
ius in the World when they bred me a Mechanick. Lord
tt and his Old Rogue of a Gransire have found to their
, that I can magine a Law Suit as well as another. I
deny what you say, says Mrs.
Bull,
nor do I call in que
your Parts, but I say it does not suit with your Circum
ces; you and your Predecessors have Liv'd in good Repu
on among your Neighbours by this same Cloathing Trade,
it were madness to leave it off. Besides, there are few
know all the Tricks and Cheats of these Lawyers; does
our own Experience teach you how they have drawn you
om one Term to another, and how you have danc'd the
of all the Courts, still flattering you with a final Issue,
for ought I can see, your Cause is not a bit clearer than it
seven Years ago. I will be Damn'd says
John
if I
of any Composition from
Strutt
or his Grandfather; I'll
wheel about the Streets an Engine to grind Knives and Scissars; however I'll take your Advice; and look over my Accounts.
CHAP. XI. How John look'd over his Attorney's Bill.
WHen
John
first brought out the Bills, the Surprize of all the Family was unexpressible, at the prodigious Dimensions of them; in short, they would have measur'd with the best Bale of Cloath in
John
's Shop. Fees to Judges, puny Judges, Clerks, Prothonotories, Philizers, C
irographers, Underclerks, Proclamators, Council, Witnesses, Jury-Men, Marshals, Tipstaffs, Cryers, Porters; for Enrollings, Exemplifications, Bails, Vouchers Returns, Cavea
s, Examinations, Fil
ngs of Words, Entries, Declarations, Replications, Recordats,
Nolle Pros q
i's, Certiorari's, Mittimus,
Demurrers, Special Verdicts, Informations,
Scire Facius, Supersiedeas
abeas Corpus,
Coach-hire, Treating of Witnesses,
&c. Verily;
says
John, there are a prodigious Number of learned Words in this Law, what a pretty Science it is! Ay, but Husband, you have paid for every sylable and Letter of these fine Words; bless me, what immense Sums are at the bottom of the Accompt! John
spent several Weeks in looking over his Bills, and by comparing and stating his Accompts, he discover
d that, besides the Extravagance of every Article, he had been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for Councel that were never fee'd, for Writs that were never drawn, for Dinners that were never dress'd, and Journeys that were never made: In short, that
Hocus
and
Frog
had agreed to throw the Burden of the Law-Suit upon his Shoulders.
CHAP. XII. How John grew Angry, resolved to accept a Composition; and what Methods were practis'd by the Lawyers for keeping him from it.
WELL might the Learn'd
Daniel Burgess
say,
That a Law-Suit is a Suit for Life.
He that sows his Grain upon Marble, will have many a hungry Belly before Harvest. This
John
felt by woful Experience.
John
s Cause was a good milch Cow, and many a Man subsisted his Family out of it. However
John
began to think it high time to look about him; he had a Cousin in the Country, one Sir
Roger Bold,
whose Predecessors had been bred up to the Law, and knew as much of it as any Body; but having left off the Profession for some time, they took great pleasure in Compounding Law-Suits amongst their Neighbours, for which they were the Aversion of the Gentlemen of the Long Robe, and at perpetual War with all the Country Attorneys.
John
put his Cause in Sir
Roger
's Hands, desiring him to make the best of it; the News had no sooner reach'd the Ears of the Lawyers, but they were all in an Uproar. They brought all the rest of the Tradesmen upon
John:
'Squire
South
swore he was betray
d, that he would starve before he compounded;
Frog
said he was highly wrong'd, ev'n lying
Ned
the Chimney-sweeper, and
Tom
the Dust-man complain'd that their Interest was sacrific'd: As for
Hocus
s Wife, she took a Hackney-Chair and came to
John
's House immediately and fell a scolding at his Wife like the Mother of
Belzebub,
You silly, aukward, ill-bred, Country Sow you, have you no more Manners than to rail at my Husband, that has sav'd that Clod-pated, Num-skull'd Ninny hammer of yours from Ruin and all his Family? it is well known how he has rose early and sate up late to make him easy, when he was Sotting at every Ale-house in Town. I knew his last Wife, she was a Woman of breeding, good humour, and complaisance, knew how to live in the World; as for you, you look like a Puppet mov'd by Clock-work; your Cloaths hang upon you, as they were upon Tenter-hooks, and you come into a Room as you were going to steal away a Piss pot; get you gone into the Country to look af- your Mothers Poultry, to milk the Cows, churn the Butter, and dress up Nosegays for a Holy-Day, and meddle not with Matters that you know no more of, than the Sign-post before your Door: It is well known that my Husband has an establish'd Reputation, he never swore an Oath, nor told a Lie in all his Life: He is grateful to his Benefactors, faithful to his Friends liberal to his Dependants, and dutiful to his Superiors; he values not your Money more than the Dust under his Feet, but he hates to be abus'd: Once for all, Mrs.
Mynx,
leave off talking of my Husband, or I will pull out these Saucer Eyes of yours, and make that redstreak Country-Face look as raw as an Ox Cheek upon a Butcher's Stall; remember, I say, that there are Pillories and Ducking-stools.
With this, away she flung, leaving Mrs.
Bull
no time to reply: No Stone was left unturn
d to fright
John
from this Composition. Sometimes they spread Reports at Coffee-houses, that
John
and his Wife were ran mad; t
t they intended to give up House, and make over all the Estate to Old
Lewis Baboon
that
John
had been often talking to himself, and seen in the Streets without Shoes or Stockings; That he did nothing from Morning to Night but beat his Servants, after having been the best Master alive; as for his Wife she was a meer Natural. Sometimes
John
's House was beset with a whole Regiment of Attorneys Clerks, Bailiffs Followers, and other small retainers of the Law, who threw Stones at his Windows, and Dirt at himself, as he went along, the Street. When
John
complain'd of want of ready Money to carry on his Suit, they advis'd him to pawn his Plate and Jewels, and that Mrs.
Bull
should sell her Linnnen and Wearing Cloaths.
CHAP. XIII. How the Lawyers agreed to send Don Diego Dismallo, the Conjurer, to John Bull▪ to diswade him from making an end of his Law Suit; and what pass'd between them.
HOw does my good Friend
Don Diego?
Never worse Who can be easie when their Friends are playing the Fool?
But then you may be easie, for I am resolv'd to play the Fool no longer: I wish I had hearken'd to your Advice, and compounded this Law Suit sooner.
It is true; I was then against the ruinous ways of this Law Suit, but looking over my Scheme since, I find there is an Error in my Calculation.
Sol
and
Jupiter
were in a wrong House, but I have now discover'd their true Places: I tell you I find that the Stars are unanimously of Opinion, that you will be successful in this Cause; That
Lewis
will come to an untimely
, and
Strutt
will be turn'd out of Doors by his Wife and Children. Then he went on with a Torrent of Eclypticks, Cycles Epicycles, Ascendants, Trines, Quadrants, Conjunctions Bulls, Bears, Goats, and Rams, and abundance of hard Words, which being, put together, signify'd nothing.
John
all this while stood gaping and staring, like a Man in a Trance.
FINIS.