AN INVITATION TO PEACE: OR,
TOBY
's Preliminaries TO
NESTOR IRONSIDES,
Set forth in a DIALOGUE Between
TOBY
and his KINSMAN.
Hor.
Niger est Romana Caveto.
Milt.
—Why did he not accept
Friendly Composure offer'd—
LONDON:
Printed and Sold by Mr.
Lawrence,
near St.
Paul's
Church-yard.
TOBY
's DIALOGUE With his KINSMAN,
&c.
C OME, Come, Mr.
Toby,
Mr.
Ironsides
offers very fair; and if you don't come to an Accommodation, what will the World say of you?
Tell not me of Offers, Accommodation, and the World: I say positively I will not hear of any Reconciliation, till he shall make me such Proposals as may agree with my Safety and Honour. And therefore I do insist that Fort
A—n
be demolish'd, and that, for our Security during the Negotiation, it be put into the Hands of the Sieurs
Tooke
and
Barber:
And if he refuse to do this, I am determin'd
to hold it out, and fight it to the last.
Vid. Cat.
But Sir, consider a little. You began this Paper-War with no other View but supporting the Ballance of Pamphleteering; and you have now, as is evident, reduc'd old
Ironsides
to so low a Condition, that perhaps he may be glad upon any reasonable Terms, to put an End to this long and bloody War: yet, Sir, whether his Pen is so far subdued, whether it be
wrought by ill Success to such a Submission,
Vid. Cat.
is what I mightily doubt of. Consider, Sir, I beseech you, what a deal of Money that strong Fort has cost him; how he has perpetually annoy'd you from that Coast, and—
Sir, you may talk till Doomsday if you please; but I shall make you no other Reply than Fort
Ad—son,
Fort
Ad—son.
All this is
tow'ring
Frenzy and Distraction;
Vid. Cat.
and you talk as if you were sure of holding Fortune by the Forelock, and of going down to the Grave with the Reputation you have now establish'd, whereas there is nothing so difficult and uncertain; Of this, the Person you now so much despise is a fresh Instance. How did the Force of his Pen in a few Months over-run your whole Country? Did he not in three Weeks time take the strong Towns of
Fenwick
and
Cocoa,
Politick Coffee-Houses used by the Tories and where Mr.
Ironsides
us'd to go formerly and dispute.
with many others. Did he not attempt to force the
Examiner,
that brave and experienc'd General, out of his Lines; and was he not very near effecting it? This should learn you, Sir, some Humility, and to put an end to your extravagant Way of Talking. Besides, Remember, Sir,
We took up Pens, not to revenge our selves,
But free the Common-wealth.
Vid. Cat.
Now you have obtain'd this End you should hearken to Reason, or else
the impartial World will say
— and —
When Fort
A—son
is once in my Hands, I will then send him some Proposals, which I think fit to make him subscribe as
Preliminaries
to our Treaty. As First, Sir.
1. The Town of
Button,
The Coffee-house used by
Ironsides, &c.
now Garrison'd by Wits, shall be yielded up in the Condition 'tis now in, with all its Dependences.
2. The said Garrison shall have free leave to carry off their Effects, but they shall not meddle with such Wit as belongs to the Inhabitants of the said Town.
3. That the Garrison may march out with their Pens in their Hands, each Man allow'd two Charges, with a Sheet of fine Fools-cap Paper.
4. All commanding Wits may be allow'd to carry off as much Wool in their Hats as they shall think fitting; but the said Officers and commanding Wits shall not carry off any Wooll in a clandestine Manner, nor transport more than what shall be allow'd by this present Treaty, to any
Dutch
Coffee-house within our Dominions.
5. That no wast be committed upon such Oak as is now standing within the Liberties of the said Town; but it shall be and is hereby lawful, for each Pastoral Writer to carry off a large Beach.
6. That all sick and wounded Wits may remain three Months in the Town of
Button,
counting from the Time of signing this Treaty; and that it shall be lawful for them to send for Dr.
G—,
provided the said Dr.
G—
shall give good Security before such Persons as we shall appoint, that he will not at any time, nor upon any Consideration whatsoever, offer to prescribe to any of our Subjects: And also that the said Doctor shall not go arm'd with any
Epigram
or
Panegyrick;
but that it shall be lawful for the said Doctor to wear what Epilogues and Songs he shall think fit, provided the said Epilogues and Songs be neither lewd nor blasphemous.
7. If at any time it shall happen, that any Dispute or Quarrel shall arise between any of our Guards, Officers, or Domesticks,
i.e.
Footmen, and the said Mr.
Ironsides,
we do declare that we will not intermeddle in such Disputes or Quarrels, but freely permit the Sieur
Ironsides
to pursue the said Quarrel, as he shall think fit, provided it be with such Decency as is usually observ'd among Footmen.
8. We do also insist, that all Free-thinkers.
i.e.
Atheists, now inhabiting
Villa Graeca,
do forthwith depart from our Dominions; and that the said
Villa
be demolish'd in such Time and Manner as the Sieur
B—ly
shall think fit.
9. That the Province of Scandal be erected into a Principality, and settled upon our dear Kinsman and Ally,
Abel Roper,
and his Heirs for ever. That the said Hereditary Succession be not invaded by Mr.
Ironsides
either directly or indirectly, by Word or Writing; and that for the better Security, the Expressions,
Crisis, publick Spirit, liberal Education, grave Man of Business, as wise the best,
&c. be hereafter never made use of, unless in company with three or more Wits of his own Party, in which case it shall be allow'd to commend himself as much as he shall think fit; and the said Wits also may be allow'd to believe as much as they shall judge necessary.
10. That the Sieur
Jacob,
Librarian and Stationer to the Town of
Button,
be permitted to reside in the said Town, till such time as he shall have sold off all his Effects, excepting such as shall be specify'd Contraband Goods by the present Treaty; as all
Ambassadress's Speeches,
&c.
11. That the said Sieur
Jacob
be not permitted to erect any publick Booth or Stage, or expose to Sight any Lions, Bears, or other Monsters; but that it shall be lawful for the said Sieur
Jacob
to keep open House on the Fifth of
November,
and dance himself for the Diversion of any Number of
Kit-Kats
or
Kitlings
not exceeding Forty.
12. It shall also be permitted to the said
Jacob
to assist at the Buying, Dressing, and burning the
Pope, Pretender,
and as many
Cardinals
as shall be thought necessary, provided the said
Pope, Pretender,
and
Cardinals,
be bought, dress'd and burnt by an equal Assessment; and that there be always two or more antient and grave Persons, of any Quality not exceeding an E. to take care that there be no Riot or Indecency committed at the said Solemnity.
The D. of
Mon—ue
bought a whole Pope at his own charge, which was seiz'd by the Secretary of State.
13. It shall not be permitted to burn Dr.
Sacheverell,
but it may be, and is hereby lawful to burn the Reverend Dr.
T—p,
provided the said Kitlings will consent to burn two or more Preface Writers in company with him.
14. Lastly we do insist, that the
Englishman,
alias
Ironsides,
do at his own Expence, cause forthwith to be printed, a new Edition of
Cato,
with a large Margin, and a Hand in the said Margin, pointing to such Lines in the said Play, which in any way belong to the D. of
M.
and also there shall be another Hand of a different make, which shall declare what Lines in the said Play do belong to Us, or to our Kinsman and dear Ally
Abel Roper.
We do also declare that the said Edition shall in a very sincere and open manner,
i.e.
without any Equivocation, or mental Reservation, declare at what Lines in the said Tragedy of
Cato
the Sieur
Englishman,
alias
Ironsides,
with his Followers, did not think fit to make a Noise,
v.g.
over-against the Verse,
'Tis time to sheath the Sword, and spare Mankind.
Cat.
it shall be expresly said,
No Clap, but a great Melancholy, and some little Confusion.
ITEM
Are not the Lives of those who draw the Sword
Intrusted to our Care?
Cat.
Another melancholy Look.
Ditto
in two or three other Places, which we think fit to reserve for the General Treaty. But at
—The Work of Ages—
The Roman Empire's fallen!—
Cat.
shall be a great Stamp, follow'd with a Clap of two Minutes long.
ITEM at
When Vice prevails, and impious Men bear sway,
The Post of Honour is a private Station.
Cat.
shall be printed,
Biggest Clap,
with a
N.B.
that several Kitlings swooned, and that
Nic. L—mere
was carried off for dead.
N.B.
That in the said Play we do think fit to reserve to our own Use all such Lines as shall make mention of any laborious Virtue,
v.g. Toil, Hard Watching, Abstinence, Want of Food,
&c.
And now, Sir, upon these Preliminaries I will consent to a Treaty, and not otherwise.
Modestly offer'd, truly—Pray what do you take Mr.
Ironsides
for, that you should think he would ever condescend to such Conditions.
Take him for, why for one of Mr.
Congreve
's odd Fellows, with a great deal of your little sort of Wit, or if you please to let me give you his Character plainer, for one who vainly imagines to become, from a Bankrupt in Poetry, a Haberdasher in Politicks; or if this wont do, I am sure he's like one of those Wise Men who laugh at a Fool's Advice, which, God knows, is sometimes as fit to be follow'd, as that of a Wit's.
Why, Sir, I pray do you know of any Fool that can help out our Friend at a dead Lift; for Faith, as Affairs stand, he seems to want it.
Yes that I do, and as I am a
publickspirited
Man, and of a
liberal Education,
I think my self bound to tell you, and it is, Sir, the Fool in
Lear.
And what says he?
Say—why he says,
Let go thy Hold, when a great Wheel runs down Hill, lest it break thy Neck by following; but the great one which goes upwards, let it draw thee after.
And then continues he,
When a Wise Man gives you better Counsel, give me mine again.
Why truly I am of the Fool's Opinion, and should be glad if others would not despise it; but do you think, Sir, that Mr.
Ironsides,
who has been well bred, a good Scholar, and a topping Wit, will ever strike Sail to a Fool.
I know not that, but I am sure now's the
Crisis,
and the Remedy may prove too late, if deferred: Therefore prithee go to him, and, as from your self, offer him some wholesome Counsel,—it's pity the poor Fellow should be thrown away.
E'en go your self for me, for I have done with him: It was but on Monday last when I went to see him at his Lodgings, in hopes to perswade him to a Peace with you; but—.
But what?
What; nay I am almost asham'd to tell you; but when I knockt at the Door, his Servant told me his Master was at home, but not stirring; and it was then past Eleven: That he had had but a very bad Night.—I was afraid indeed he might have drunk some very bad Wine, or eat something that did not agree with him, somewhat too course for a Gentleman of a
fine Education;
but his Servant soon set me right, telling me he was sure his Master had had some Quarrel over Night, for that he often started, and call'd out upon
Toby
and the
Examiner,
talk'd much of
Hereditary
Right,
and ever and anon would cry out,
Oh
Ad—n!
and wilt thou leave me thus?
Upon which account I immediately came away, giving a strict Charge that all Swords, Pistols and Penknives, should be taken from him; and in coming back—
Do you see this?
His Head was broke in going to visit Mr.
S—le.
Ay! How came you by it?
Why, by a Riot, which I very unfortunately fell into at my coming out of his House: For you must know, the Street where he lives is very far gone from the Doctrine he perpetually harrangues them with; and 'tis ten to one if you pass it without meeting with some publick spirited Cobler or Taylor, who very insolently will give you a Justle into the Kennel, shou'd you offer at a Question, he immediately tells you, 'tis his Duty, calls you
Tory,
damns you for a
Jacobite,
and so goes about his Business. Nay, even the Constables of his Parish have drunk so deep of his Cup, that they make no scruple to declare to you, that, as they are Constables they are
accountable
to no Man; but that all
England
is
accountable
to them; and this they will tell you with an Air of Insolence. All which is to go for nothing, because forsooth at the End they cry,
God bless the House of
Hanover; as if it were impossible to say so, without being impertinent, sawcy and troublesome, and somewhat else which deserves a worse Name. And now I know where Mr.
Ironsides
had his
accountable
and
unaccountable.
No, no, I tell you the Constable had it of Mr.
Ironsides,
and not Mr.
Ironsides
of the Constable; tho' the Constable indeed is one that understands publick Affairs very well. Besides, Mr.
Ironsides
does not absolutely say, that he is not accountable to any body whatsoever, but that he is not accountable so far as he is a Member of Parliament, or rather so long as he shall be. Out of that Capacity he well knows
he is accountable,
how much, and to whom, and that as soon as he shall cease to be the Representative of
Stockbridge,
and how soon that will happen, God knows. This Account must begin—
Well, I'll take care and distinguish. You see however the Constable will have no Reserve. But tell me, Mr.
Toby,
for you are a very generous Enemy, will you not have some Pity, when that Day shall come?
What Day?
Why the Day of Accounts.—Poor Mr.
Ironsides!
how will he then wish his publick Spirit had been less, and his private Oeconomy more; That he had never heard of
Dunkirk;
That he had never known the Importance of it. And—
How will he then wish he had retir'd betimes
To his paternal Seat, the
Sabine
Field,
Where his great Ancestors told with their own Hands,
&c.
Vid. Cat.
His Qualification,
if he has
any, would have been enough to have entitl'd him to the Office of Justice of Peace, and he might have liv'd and dy'd with a moderate Reputation.
O
Dunkirk, Dunkirk!
Ah! that cursed Port!—But why did he not mind his Business, and leave Politicks to those who knew what to do with them: I had not then meddled with him. But let him thank himself for it, I have washt my Hands.
Well, I wish to God he would accept of your Offers, tho' they are hard, and come to a friendly Composition, for really he has been a Fellow of pretty Parts.
Has been—True.—
but is no more.
We allow, as a
Tatler
or
Spectator,
or as he was now and then, a Piece of one, he had much Merit.
In ev'ry
Spec.
his tow'ring Wit did soar,
And he was more admir'd, and more and more
Spec.
lost in Politicks, by all is mourn'd,
His Brain, alas! the
important Port
has turn'd.
O would he choose some
fitter
Theme-in Pastorals,
Declare if
Philips
or if
Pope
excells,
Or else translate some Mother in Distress,
For he grows less a Wit, and less and less.
And this is the best Advice I can give him, which if he will do, and grant me my Preliminaries, with a very little more which I intend to ask, he shall have Peace and Rest; if not—
But, Mr.
Toby,
are you sure Mr.
Ironsides
is fallen so low?
Fallen! ay, ay, prithee look on this.
[Pulls out his
Englishman.
Hey de, what's here?
[Reads.]
Villain, Knave, Rogue, Fort, Dunkirk, Business, all for the Pretender, an undeniable Argument, my Duty, true Light, House of Hanover, Succession and Constitution,
&c. Why this is never Mr.
S—l.
Nay, if you can get any body else to Father it, I am mistaken.
What, this Mr.
Ironsides?
Ay, even That—You may look as wild as you please, so it is—
"And alas, poor
Yorrick!
I knew him,
Horatio,
a Fellow of infinite Jest, most excellent Fancy: He has born me upon his Back a Thousand times, and how abhorr'd my Imagination is now, my Gorge rises at it.—Where be your Gibes now? your Gamballs, your Songs, your Flashes of Merriment, that were wont to set the Table in a Roar?—Quite chap-fallen,
&c.
And thus, Sir, going a little farther, perhaps we may trace the mighty
Ironsides,
till we find him stopping a Bung-hole.
Now you are too curious,
Toby.
No, no: Faith I only do it to shew you
to how vile Uses we may return.
By this last Speech, Mr.
Toby,
it plainly appears the
Englishman
is quite dead.
The World, perhaps, may take him for a dead Man, and to say the Truth, many an honest Man has been buried without half this Splutter; but you must know Mr.
Ironsides
can die
i.e.
be dull with a Design.
Vid. Spec.
when he pleases for Eight or Ten Days, and be never the worse for it: But be assur'd, whenever this Fancy comes into his Head, there's some plaguy Plot at the bottom.
Come, Mr.
Toby,
never fear his rising again,
Clamatum est;
so e'en a done with your Treaty. What! you won't negotiate with a dead Man.
I tell you he is not dead, he is only dozing a little, that his Wit may awake like
Cato
's Soul.
Renew'd in all its Strength, and take its flight,
And be a Match for
Toby
—
Cat.
Away, you are too severe now, what can't Mr.
Add—n
escape you? But, Sir, give me leave to tell you, if you go on at this rate to play the Ridicule with
Shakespear,
and patch up a Buffoon from the Tags of Sentences, no one is secure. And will any one think you sit tame under such an Indignation? In the Name of common Sense, what do you take Mr.
S—l
's Publick Spirit for?
Take it for, why for the foul Fiend in
Lear,
which leads through Fire and through Flame, through Sword and Whirlpool, o'er Bog and Quagmire, that hath laid Knives under his Pillow, and which perhaps may
lay a Halter in his Pue.
If this be the Case, for God's sake some Charity for poor
Dick,
whom the fou Fiend vexes—But why eternally upon Plays?
Oh, because 'tis the modish way of drawing a Character, and was first set on foot
by a Gentleman that understands the World
very well.
Enough, enough, I understand you; Him you mean, who drew his General from
Cato.
Yes, and from
Thunder
and
Lightning,
and
Scipio,
and a
great Rock,
and a
destroying Angel,
and from
Hannibal,
and him that beat
Hannibal,
and from two and thirty
animate things,
and
inanimate
without Number.
Well, I am glad however for one Reason; for now I shall never want something to put me in mind of Mr.
Ironsides,
and I would not willingly forgot him: 'Tis but turning over
Shakespear.
In the Comedy of
Errors
I immediately shall find him, as also in
Much ado about Nothing:
but sure I am, when I come to
Love's Labour lost,
I shall then naturally think of the Importance of
Dunkirk,
which he writ only, as he kindly tells us, for the Love of his Fellow Subjects.
Importance of
Dunkirk!
away with that Trash.
What is not every Man free to set up for a Politician, especially when he is sure of his own Sufficiency, and has all the Reason in the World to be under
Horrible Expectations.
A Politician! yes, provided it be in his Study. He may there indeed pull down and erect, praise and condemn, and in short, make a Constitution Hereditary or Elective, as he shall think fit; but I must insist he has no Right openly to revile a Ministry, because he likes not the Faces of those that compose it, which perhaps may be as good as his own, tho' not yet in Print in
Jacob
's Shop. Besides, Sir, every Man in his way: Mr.
Ironsides
understands
Latin,
understands the Classics, has writ three Comedies
alias
Farces, has din'd with a great Lord, and been at the burning of several Popes; but what has this to do with Government? Mr.
Dogget,
I allow you may divert us in low Comedy, but can never make a tolerable Figure with the Buskin and Truncheon—What, I beseech you, would Mr.
Ironsides
think, if
Will. Pinkethman
should take a fancy to play
Cato,
if at the beginning of the second Act he should rudely break in, and disturb Mr.
Booth,
and his little Senate, and talk of his
liberal Education,
of his being a grave Man and fit for Tragedy, sure neither
He
nor his Circle of Pupils could forgive such an Impertinence.
Come, come, you are for stopping the Mouths of People, and restraining the Liberty of the Press; a sure Sign, Mr.
Toby,
your Actions won't bear the Light.
As for stopping Mr.
Ironsides
's Mouth, I don't think it of moment enough to go about it; but you know, Friend, it would be less offensive, were it somewhat more cleanly, therefore I'll compound for washing it.
Agreed, and when 'tis wash'd, what would you have next.
Nay, provided it be clean, let him do what he will with it—But I advise him to return to his old inoffensive way of Life.
What do you take him for a Spider? You know he never spun out of his own Bowels, or if he did, he cannot spin to Eternity.
Why e'en let him do as Spiders do, gather up his Web, and begin again.
How do you mean?
Mean, why since his Store is exhausted, let him give us the same a second and a third time, that is, let him do as the Players do, (for I cannot yet leave the Stage) study the Tast of the Town, and repeat that oftenest which he finds goes down best: Let him daily put up a Bill, and declare what he intends for our Diversion: As for Example, At the
Shakespears Head
on this present
Tuesday,
being the 16th of this Instant, will be reprinted
my Tatler
concerning
Mohocks,
or
Whalebone Petticoats
—Now and then he may put up,
At the Desire
of several Persons of Quality of the High-Church Party, will be presented my
Tatler
about
Atheists
and
Immoralists:
Or,
At the Desire
of the Kit-cat Club will be shewn my
Letter to a certain Lord,
Reading a Peny, and no Money to be return'd after the first Paragraph is read—
All this is very pretty; but really, Sir, these Trifles are not for Senators, No, we shall hear from Mr.
Ironsides
in another manner—Mr.
Ironside
's first Speech in Parliament, come a half-peny a piece—Or else perhaps, Mr.
Ironside's
Dying Speech, with a full Account of all those
Jacobites
who pass'd Sentence against him.
That's as it shall happen; but if they don't turn him out, Woe be to them; for he is about qualifying himself in such a Manner as will soon make him terrible.
As how, I pray you?
Why 'tis said he will set out arm'd
Cap-a-pee;
that is, Sir, he will have
H—d-n
's Eloquence,
L—re
's Modesty, and
W—le
's Honesty; if so, beware of
Ironsides.
'Slife Man, if this be true, he must to the
Tower,
right or wrong, or what will become of the present Ministry? But more especially what will become of the
Lord
and his
Fool?
I know not that; but assure you, he shall have my Consent to stay in; and more than that, you shall see I will take Leave of him in a very genteel Manner; and whatever I may have shown him to be in this Dialogue, I will allow him to be as follows—If this won't suffice let him give the Challenge as soon as he shall make himself ready, and have at him at
Comedy, Tragedy, Panegyrick, Songs, Epigrams, Elegys, Catos, Ballads,
and
Lampoons.
A clear Stage and no Quarter.
To Mr. IRONSIDES.
'TWAS you who first did put to flight
The Amber Cane of sauntring Knight,
The Shoulder-knot, the Hat and Feather,
And
Rocklowe
worn in sultry Weather.
That SPEC, was you, or Part of you,
Which first subdu'd the red-heel'd Shoe.
The Snuff-box too, with Nun and Priest,
The flutt'ring Coxcomb's nauseous Jest.
The only Object that could suit
The delicate and well-bred Brute.
To Play-house whensoe're you came
To SPEC, to Censure and Reclaim,
The guilty
Chloe
curtsy'd low,
The Fop his tributary Bow
Submissive paid, and strait would be
Demure, as if he came to see.
To Vice from Folly you could step,
Or rather, if you please, could leap.
Nor Atheist then, that is, Free-thinker,
Nor, for the sake of Rhime, Free-drinker;
Nor others tedious to rehearse,
Below the Dignity of Verse;
Howe're, disguis'd in Virtue's Shape,
SPEC's Guilt-pursuing Pen could scape.
Great was the Dread, all fell before ye;
Tam
Fool
quam
Knave,
tam
Whig
quam
Tory.
In vain the Rich your Doors would crowd,
No
Safeguard Money
was allow'd.
The Town and you did long wage War;
That is, 'twas long fight Dog, fight Bear.
But you, at last, did overcome,
And brought th' Eternal Laurel home.
Great was the Glory then, I trow,
As great as that of
Marlborough.
Nor did you rid us of a lesser Evil,
He beat the
Bourbon,
you the Devil.
FINIS,