AN ESSAY For
Abridging
the Study of Physick. To which is added, A DIALOGUE, (Betwixt HYGEIA, MERCURY and PLUTO,) Relating to the PRACTICE of PHYSICK, As it is managed by a certain
Illustrious Society.
As also an EPISTLE from
Usbek
the
Persian
to
J—W—d,
Esq;
LONDON;
Printed for J. WILFORD, behind the
Chapter-house,
near
St. Paul's Church-Yard.
1735.
(Prince One Shilling.)
TO THE ANTACADEMIC PHILOSOPHERS, TO THE Generous DESPISERS of the Schools, TO THE Deservedly-Celebrated
J—W—d, J—M—r,
and the rest of the numerous Sect of Inspired PHYSICIANS; This little Work is humbly inscribed, by
Their most Devoted Servant, and Zealous Admirer.
AN ESSAY For
Abridging
the STUDY of PHYSICK.
Sic ubi visceribus gravidae telluris imago
Effecta est hominis, foeto consurgit in arvo;
Quod
que
magis mirum simul edita concutit arma.
OVID. METAMORPH.
O UR University Method of studying
Physick
is attended with so many Discouragements, it is such an expensive, tedious, difficult way to Science, that one who has any talent at
Projecting
cannot, I think, employ it more humanely than in putting the distressed
Youth
upon a shorter and easier road. The Pride and Ill-nature, perhaps the Avarice too, of the Learned in every Science, would gladly make a mystery of the art they profess, and render it inaccessible but to a few. Ask a Gentleman of the
Aesculapian
tribe, what course of Education is requisite to the making of a
Physician?
He will presently tell you, that a young Man who would successfully apply himself to the Study of
Medicine,
must first of all have an Understanding capable of Instruction; and that after he is pretty far advanced in the Languages and such other pieces of Learning as he imagines to be necessarily previous and introductory to Physick, he must study every particular Branch of that Science under able Teachers, and labour night and day for God knows how many years, before he can be supposed fit to Practise. Very modest Demands truly! This is either the most malicious fetch or the simplest mistake in the world: for in reality, Learning is no more necessary to a
Physician
than to a
Fidler.
And for all this pother, I am mistaken too if I cannot lay down a Method, by the religious and strict observance of which, a young man (whatever his natural Sense be) may, in two or three years time, without any expence either of Money or
Animal Spirits
worth calculating, drop into the world not only a ripe
Surgeon
or
Physician,
but
Physician, Surgeon
and
Apothecary
all in one. But before I proceed to communicate my
Scheme,
I here solemnly declare that I have not the least pique at the present
Faculty of Physicians,
nay, that I honour that learned Society; but
Amicus Plato, amicus Socrates, magis amica veritas.
It were a piece of complaisance, unworthy a truly generous and extensively-benevolent disposition, to conceal such means as must evidently make the acquisition of an useful
Art
much easier, merely for the sake of indulging the narrow humour of it's present
Professors,
who grudge that any should rise to the
Dignities
and
Privileges
of their
Profession
with less Pain and Charge than themselves have done.
Well then, to begin with the
previous
Qualifications of our Student. He must be provided by bountiful
Nature,
with an inexhaustible fund of
Assurance,
that
cardinal Virtue,
which without the assistance of any other is sufficient to make a great man. A little
Sense
would not be amiss; but as this is seldom an Ingredient in a Constitution where the other predominates, and as it is not absolutely necessary, we shall not reckon upon it.
Impudence
alone will do, for it gives such a
force
to the otherways
lightest
Merit, that the Address, or rather the Assault, of a man who possesses it to any eminent degree, is not to be resisted. If besides he can make a shift to read
Corderius
with the help of a Dictionary, that is to say, if he has a
Quantum sufficit
of
Latin
to enable him to understand a
Recipe
and to accent a
hard word
gracefully, he is now fitted to attempt the most arduous parts of the
Study.
As soon therefore as our young man is thus hopefully qualified, let him forthwith be bound Apprentice for two or three years to an
Apothecary,
who
presides
like a
wholesome Planet
over some Country-Town, shedding kindly Influence for several miles round him. His main business during the time of his Apprenticeship will be, to spread now and then a
Plaister,
sometimes to make up an
Electuary
or a
Mass of Pills,
to administer
Clysters
in great abundance, and to manage the
Non-naturals
of the gaunt hide-bound Steed upon whose back his Master ranges the Country, like the
King of Terrours
on his
pale Horse.
Tho' this last may not appear to be a very liberal Office, yet as far as it will give him an occasion to become acquainted with the Constitution of that generous Animal, and with the general
Regimen
that suits it best, he will find it of mighty advantage to him afterwards, when he comes to exercise the
Hippohiatrical
Function, the cultivation of which makes a very considerable Article in the
Practice
of
Medicine,
in some parts of the Country. When he is at leisure from these more important
Duties,
he may, if he pleases, glance over some short general System of
Anatomy.
I must own indeed this is almost a needless trouble, yet I would have him able to tell upon occasion whether the
Stomach
lies in the
Abdomen
or in the
Thorax,
and the like, if it were only for ornament's sake, and to keep him in countenance among those people who have got a notion that some acquaintance with the structure of the Human Body is necessary to a
Physician;
for we must not hope to reform the world all at once. When he has thus laid a good Foundation in
Anatomy,
to which I allow him a month, or, if his Master rides much and the roads are dirty, six weeks, let him proceed to the
Practice of Physick
and
Surgery:
A short System for each will be sufficient. He will frequently have occasion to practise
Chemie
under his Master's eye, and thus may gain a competent skill in this Branch of the Study without the fatigue of Reading. A
Botanist
he must grow, whether he will or not. And as for the
Materia Medica
and
Methodus praescribendi,
he may make himself Master of these in this manner. As often as a Physician's Bill comes to his Master's Shop, let him out with his Pocket-book,
slap it down and make it his own,
according to Mr.
Bayes
's
Rule of Records.
As he must have frequent access to know, against what Disease this or that Prescription was design'd, let him therefore devote a page or so in his Pocket-companion to every Disease, and under each of these let him range the Prescriptions adapted thereto. Thus when he engages in the
Practice
himself, whatever Disease shall fall in his way, he has no more to do but turn over his
Vade mecum,
where he will probably find something proper for it. With regard to the different
Stages
of Diseases, the various
Combinations of Symptoms,
and the like, these are
subtile trifles
that none but your
whimsical people
give themselves any trouble about. In the mean time, su
Receipts
as he has not got sufficient intelligence to warrant his reducing under the Article of any Disease, will serve him in good stead
Anomalous Cases,
which in all probability will frequently occur to him. If by sollowing this course, he is not furnished with a compleat System of
Recipes
by the time that his Apprenticeship is expired, let him consult
Markham's English Housewife's skill in Physick,
to be found in the
Quarto
Edition of his Works, where he will meet with
Receipts
that will either
help
or prove a
sovereign Cure
in every Disease. I have known very valuable Collections of this kind in the hands of some Ladies.
Behold! what a bare simple thing is
Physick!
when it's showy Luxuriances, it's fruitless Branches, are lopped off. Vain swelling Science, how much art thou shrunk! How is the Learning of the
Eastern
and the
Western Schools,
how are the toils of the ancient
Sages
and
Those
of modern days, swallowed up almost at once by a
Boy!
and a
Boy
of no great
depth
neither! For now is the
grand Affair
finished, and our
Scholar
is perfectly well instructed in every part of his
Study.
I shall appeal to himself if he is not. If a young man, blessed with these natural Gifts I have demanded, after such a happy Education, is not conscious of greater Abilities than almost any of those you call
regular Physicians,
I am much mistaken. This very Shew of Merit, tho' he possessed nothing at all of the Substance, will recommend him prodigiously to the Vulgar,
Great and Small,
(that is to say, to nineteen at least of twenty parts of Mankind) who are such humane Judges of a man's qualifications, that they never seek further than his own word for them, but always measure his Abilities by his Pretensions. Now I say our young
Doctor
may go where he pleases. He cannot fail to be by this time a skilful
Apothecary,
and for
Physick
and
Surgery,
it is strange if he is not equally qualified for Practising either
ubi
que
gentium.
Or if he finds his Genius more particularly turned to one Disease than to the rest, he may with considerable emolument both to himself and the Public, confine his Practice to that, and may make a good figure as an
Antidysenteric
or
Antimaniac Physician,
as a
Vermicide,
a
Tooth-drawer,
or a
Corn-cutter.
And if he applies himself to the
Obstetrical
Art, let him turn over
Culpepper
's
Midwife enlarg'd
night and day. That little Book is worth a whole Library. All that is possible to be known in that Art is there treasur'd up in a small
Duodecimo.
Blessed, yea for ever blessed, be the memory of the inimitable Authour, who, and who alone, had the
curious happiness
to mix the profound Learning of
Aristotle
with the facetious Humour of
Plautus!
And now, that I may not omit any thing that lies in my power towards the preparing of our
Doctor
for business, I shall offer him a few Advices for the regulation of his Conduct, when he comes abroad into the World. As soon therefore as he is thus exquisitely accomplished, he must think of Transplanting himself to some Place where he is little known. And whether he commence
itinerant
or
fixed Physician
(tho' I would rather he chused the latter Situation, as more agreeable to the Dignity of his Profession) I advise him first to make himself a little acquainted with
Geography,
that he may not be at a loss to relate what
Wonders
he has seen in
foreign Countries.
This will have a mighty Charm with the Vulgar, who have a shrewd notion of things which one would think above their reach, and know perfectly well what an amazing Influence the
foreign Air
has upon a man's Intellectuals. How this
foreign Air
operates, is not to the present purpose to enquire; only it is undeniable that it has a prodigious effect. It is not only the most effectual, but the easiest way to Improvement; since in this case a man has no need to exert himself any further, than just to condescend in his own mind upon any Art or Science that he would desire to be master of, and he must imbibe it or cease to Breathe. He is a
Spunge
thrown into water. For take me a man that has scarce sense enough to spell his own name, and Steep him for two or three years in a
foreign
Atmosphere, you will bring him out again Wringing-full of Knowledge, tho' he had done nothing considerable all the time but drank pure
quintessential Rum
or a little
sprinkled
with water by way of
Punch
in a
Guineaship,
or strolled about arrayed in Sheep's guts with the ingenious Inhabitants of the
Cape of Good Hope.
Nay, suppose he had passed all the time of his foreign Sojourn in a profound Sleep, he should find himself strongly Impregnated with Science when he awaked. The meanest and most ignorant of the vulgar know this; And it is convenient to humour them. For it is really no cheat at bottom, if one who has received all the Erudition which far-distant Regions can communicate, without stirring a foot from home, if such a one, I say, should take the benefit of being reputed a
travelled Gentleman.
But I had almost forgot to enjoin a very necessary Branch of Education. Necessary in some cases, tho' indeed to an ordinary Judge it may appear somewhat trifling. What I have in view at present is the art of
Fumisuction
and of Drinking strong Liquor valiantly. I would have him apply indefatigably to these in the time of his Apprenticeship, his more important Studies need not cool for it neither: And he must have a very slow capacity, if after two or three years diligent application, he is not as able a Practitioner both ways as the most
Phlegmatic Justice
in a whole County. He will find the Advantage of these Qualifications, if his Lot is ordered him in any part of the Country where the exercise of such elegant Arts is the reigning Diversion or Business. For they will almost infallibly recommend him to the Patronage of some jocular
Squire,
who every Evening, assisted by his never-flinching friend, the
spiritual Doctor,
wraps himself up in a thick night of Tobacco-smoak, and murders an artificial Thirst with repeated Draughts of
strong-Beer.
If, added to this, he be a
good Shot,
and can roar at a Fox-chase, his Fortune is made in spight of hazard.
Now as soon as our
Physician
begins to lay himself out for Business, let him assault the
general Ear
with long and loud Relations of the mighty Exploits he has performed.
Exempli gratia:
Every Brook will furnish him with Pebbles, rugged, brown, and large enough, which, after his
Brethren
the
other Physicians
had condemned his Patient to undergo the operation of
Lithotomy,
he made him discharge by the sole virtue of
Diureticks.
In this case, the larger that he picks his stones the better, only he must take care that they are no larger than the human Bladder may be supposed able to contain; if he keeps himself within these bounds he cannot overdo things, for the greater the wonder be, it is so much the more taking. Let him talk confidently of such feats, no matter whether they are possible or not; for tho'
Miracles,
they say,
are ceased, the Beast with many heads
can swallow them with as much alacrity as ever.
It
likes hugely too to be regaled with hard words; these work like a Spell upon the ignorant Hearers, and are the sure sign of a
great Scholard.
Therefore for the inrichment of his Phraseology and the edification of the gaping Herd, I counsel him, instead of turning over a Dictionary, which is but an awkard, troublesome, way of learning the
Terms of Art,
to get by heart the
Latine Index
to any System of
Botany,
where he may have as many odd-sounding words at one view, as may, when judiciously mix'd, sufficiently darken his Expression, and give his discourse the air of an
Oracle.
Now must he, like the Carrion-crow, smell out his
Prey,
and wherever the Diseased are, there let him be. When a Physician's Prescription comes to his shop, I advise him without delay to make a visit to the Patient, and to let him know that he did not think it proper to make up the Medicines which were ordered till he knew his Condition himself. Then after he has felt his Pulse, viewed his Water, and asked him a few Questions, he may proceed in this manner—
"It is very lucky for you,
Sir,
that I happened to use this Caution, for the
Recipe
that came to my hand is quite wide of the purpose; so we shall, if you please, let it alone, and I'll send you something that will in a little time do you service."
—This cannot fail to succeed to his wish among the
Million.
But where the Patient is so obstinate and intractable, that all he can utter to his own praise or the disadvantage of the Physician is not sufficient to shake him, he may have his full Revenge both upon the Physician and Patient through the grace of
Pharmacy.
—Thus I have delivered the principal
Rules
by which our
Doctor
must direct his Conduct; the rest I leave to his own Discretion.
Since I wrote this, I am informed by several hands, that the Method I have laid down is generally in every point, and has been for some ages, practised thro'
Great Britain,
and that the
Physicians
of this kind are distinguished by the name of
Quacks.
However, I conceive it may not be unacceptable to these Gentlemen to present them with a regular Draught of their own Scheme, and it may at the same time be of service to Beginners to give them a view of their
Agenda
at once. In the mean time I am glad, that tho' I am disappointed of the honour of being the first
Discoverer
of this way, I am for that very reason safe from engaging in a Quarrel with the
Physicians,
which I had almost laid my account with. And moreover, one of my Friends tells me, that the more
Quacks,
as he calls them, the better for the Physicians.
"For, says he, the
Wrath of Heaven
and the
proper Vices
of Mankind, are scarce so productive of Diseases as are these
Quacks;
who in places where they abound, and where the Inhabitants for every aching head or scratch of a pin, have recourse to their
skill,
keep up a perpetual
Spring
and
Fall
the whole year round."
But this I take to be meer Raillery.
Another Friend of mine, who is also a
Projector,
and confiders things seriously, has a Scheme by him for the more advantageous regulation of the
Civil Punishments.
Among other things he proposes, that all
Doctors
of this kind, whether
Officinal
or
Errant,
should be taken up and distributed among the publick Goals, to superintend the Health of Capital Offenders: (for he disapproves of
publick Executions.
) And that such of these Delinquents as escape with life and limb after a year's Discipline under their respective Physicians, should be taken into the Army;
"for, says he, they'll probably make hardy Soldiers."
He thinks further, that for the support of these
private Officers,
besides the discarded Hangman's Fees, the Country should not grudge a small Tax upon every
Life,
(at least upon the
Lives
of those who used to employ them before the commencement of their new
Dignity
) especially since by this means they are secured from the most mortal dangers they were exposed to.
But for all this, I shall not lose conceit of my Scheme till I have better reason. For I have some cause to suspect that the Gentlemen who talk so unfavourably of these Sons of
Poean,
are not altogether free of Prejudice.
A DIALOGUE, Relating to the PRACTICE of PHYSICK, As it is managed by a certain
Illustrious Society.
Di, quibus imperium est animarum, umbrae
que
silentes,
Et Chaos, et Phlegethon, loca nocte tacentia latè;
Sit mihi fas audita loqui, sit numine vestro
Pandere res alta terra & caligine mersas.
VIRG.
She was the Heathen Goddess of
Health.
Hygeia. Mercury. Pluto.
W Ell
Mercury,
now that we are arrived at
Pluto
's Palace, pray tell me what's my Business here? You came to me with a distracted hurry in your looks, and desired me to follow you with all speed, which I did implicitly enough, expecting to learn from you on the road upon what strange emergency my presence was necessary in Hell. But you plied your wings so eagerly, that tho' I don't use to saunter in my motions, I could not come within hearing of you all the way. But now that you have recovered Breath, and since
Pluto,
with whom it seems I am to have affairs, is taking a Nap, pray tell me what are his demands upon me?
A Nap quotha! would he were well out on't. The fatigue of this Bout has it seems done more for him than all the virtues of my
Rod.
But if he had one grain of Mortality in him, he had slept his last before this.
You amaze me! Nay then, some strange Revolution must be near when the Gods themselves grow sick. I should not have thought it so prodigious neither, to have heard that
Venus
was under a
Salivation,
or that
Bacchus
was sitting Cushioned up with the
Gout,
or Raving in a
Fever.
But
Pluto,
that regular, temperate, sober-living
God,
and of a good firm Constitution too;
Pluto
sick! 'tis impossible.
Mercury
you're arch sure, this must be one of your
Bites;
but I am not so credulous as you imagine.
Well, you'll know by and by whether I jest or not. 'Tis not long since I thought as little of Sickness as you do, and
Pluto
as little as either of us. And let me tell you, if you had the same cause to be sick that He has, I question much if that clean alert Constitution of yours, and all the firmness of your
Animal Oeconomy,
could preserve you from these Disorders which we have hitherto imagined were only incident to Mortals.
But prethee
Mercury,
if I may believe you're in earnest, tell me how came the Infernal
Jupiter
by this Indisposition?
Why you shall hear.—Did you observe what a pickle he was in two or three nights ago, at our last Merry-making?
I left the Company just as they seemed to have reached a reasonable degree of Mirth. For you know I seldom sit longer upon these Occasions, than the first Bottle is emptied.
True. But
Pluto
does not always confine himself to such Rules. The
Nectar,
you remember was of the right generous kind, which he ply'd as long as Drinking was good. And when all the rest were for going, He and
Silenus,
who had got into a Corner by themselves, and were grown vastly Loving and Facetious, laid their heads together for another Bottle, tho' he had enough in all conscience before. Well, he was at last prevailed upon to rise, and he stagger'd home as drunk as twenty Beggars, roaring, and singing Sonnets to
Proserpine,
like a
Bacchanal,
all the way as he went. While the Inhabitants of the Infernal Regions, were so tickled in their Spleens to see their King on such a merry pin, that they fell all a capering and dancing round him; and he reel'd and gambol'd as fast as the best of 'em. In short, you would have split your Sides, had you seen this odd Scene of Pleasantry. I saw all that pass'd by the light of the Torches. For tho' he was affronted at my offering to conduct him home,
as if he were Drunk forsooth;
yet I thought it was proper to follow him at a distance, and accordingly did not lose sight of him the whole way.
Your Description diverts me extreamly.
Pluto
is not often in such a frolicksome vein. But pray how did his Nectar digest with him? I hope that did not grumble in his Guts?
No, hang it! that would not have touch'd him neither. This was only the Prelude to the Tragedy. No sooner was he got home than he calls for a fresh Bottle, and would needs make every body drink that was near him; laughing, and talking, and singing, with all the gaiety imaginable, and smacking, and kissing all about him. As he was playing a thousand Anticks that shook the whole Palace with Laughter, up comes there a brazen-fac'd Son of a Wh— of a
Pill-giving
Quack, and—
Begging your pardon, these are they that my sick Votaries every day curse so heartily in their Prayers to me; but I could never yet perfectly learn what they are.
Rot 'em! I don't want to know any more about them than I do already—But to my Tale. This precious Rascal finding
Pluto
in a very affable tune, comes up to him, and with a deal of affected Concern in his Countenance, accosts him in this manner—
"
Dread Sir,
I take it to be indispensably incumbent upon all Subjects to exert their several Capacities in the Service of their lawful Sovereigns. My Profession is Physick, and"
(after he had told a thousand Lyes concerning his Education, and what Cures he had performed)
"my Concern, says he, for your Majesty's Welfare obliges me to take the liberty to tell you, that I'm afraid you have drunk more tonight than is consistent with your Health. Your Eyes look red, your Pulse (here he fumbled about
Pluto
's Wrist) strikes much too fast, and from the present
Plenitude
of your
Vascular System,
I can easily prognosticate, by the Rules of my
Art,
that if you don't purge off your
Crapula,
your Majesty must unavoidably, within the space of a few hours, be seized with an
Ephemerous Fever,
or a
Febris ardens,
or perhaps drop headlong into an
Apoplexy.
But these Misfortunes may easily be prevented, by taking two or three of my
Pilulae Catholicae,
which I invented, and always prepare my self, and which scarce ever fail to succeed in this, or any other
Intention.
—There they are."
With that he pulled out a Box as full of Plagues as
Pandora
's, and presenting
Pluto
with two of his Pills,—
"Your Majesty will please to swallow these, (says he,) and I shall insure you from all the bad Consequences of this night's work. I am confident, if your Majesty once knew the inestimable Virtues of these my
Pills,
your Majesty would never go without some of them about you afterwards."
Good Gods! what Simpletons does Drink make of us!
Pluto,
without reflecting upon the Absurdity of this Speech, or once dreaming of what he was a doing, takes the confounded
Pills,
and tosses them over with great Alacrity. And indeed they soon cured him of his Drunkenness, or at least of his Mirth. For they had not been an hour in his Stomach, till he grew monstrous sick, and fell a vomiting and scouring most enormously. He did so roar and curse, and toss and tumble, and run hobbling and crouching up and down with his Guts in his Arms, screwing his Face, sweating like a Horse, and looking as pale as Ashes, that but for his Immortality one would not imagine he could have lived in that Condition two hours. The Villain of an Empirick was sent to, who, when he heard how Matters went with his Majesty; had the impudence to say,
He liked him so much the better that the Medicine operated well,
and that he would but just stay till he made up something to
alleviate the Stimulus;
if there was occasion for it, and give him ease, and then would follow. But the sorry Scoundrel thought fit to sneak off, and he has not been heard of since. I suppose he sculks in some blind Corner or other, but he can't long lie hid from the Punishment he deserves so richly. In the mean time,
Pluto
has continued for these two days in as bad a way as when his Physick first began to work. And yet, sick as he was, he would not for a long time consent to the taking of any Measures, which might divulge an Affair that was so little to his Honour; but he was forced to yield to Necessity at last, and dispatched me in great haste to find you out. And tho' he is just now asleep it seems, I'm afraid there is still work enough left for you. For considering what he has suffered, and how miserably ill he was but lately when I left him, I am apt to suspect that his present Rest is meerly owing to his Weakness, and you know much better than I, how deceitful these Truces sometimes prove.
Well, I shall do what lies in my power for him; tho' I must own I am not very sorry that he smarts for his Folly neither.—But pray
Mercury,
can you tell me what sort of People these Quacks are? For tho' they practise Physick it seems, and pretend to have some Interest with me, I have no Correspondence with them.
No, I don't imagine you have. I shall tell you in as few words as possible all that I know about them. You remember that in former times, none were allowed to practise Physick but those that were found duly qualified, and had prepared themselves by a long Course of Study for that important Imployment. But now there is not a poor Peasant or Mechanick, but if he has two Sons, one of them must be a
Doctor,
as they call them, with a vengeance, tho' it were in spight of both Nature and Education. And what wise Method do you think they fall upon to accomplish this great work? A very short one you'll say. They have no Notion of Education themselves, and they are not able to bear the Expences of introducing their Sons regularly to the knowledge of the
Art.
But instead of this, they place a raw unletter'd Lad for two or three years under the Care of some Apothecary, who perhaps does not know a great deal more than his Apprentice. Here he fancies he learns not only to prepare and compound Medicines, but, by perusing and Common-placing the Physicians Bills, how to apply them too forsooth. And so at last, by a happy Delusion, he thinks himself not only an Apothecary, but a Physician. Thus, what by his own proper Fund of Ignorance, what by his Master's, improving it, he comes out at last a doubly greater Fool than he enter'd. But in the mean time, as Ignorance and want of Sense give him Assurance, and the Lowness of his Education preserves him at liberty from the combersome Shackles of Honour and Honesty, if he has but sleight enough to save himself from Transportation or the Gibbet, he is sure to make a Livelyhood, tho' never so many should suffer for it. Others have fallen upon a yet easier way of scaling the Heights of Physick, by setting up upon something that they call a
Nostrum,
left them in a Legacy by their Grand-mother, by which they pretend infallibly to cure some one, or perhaps all Diseases. And this, whether it is insignificant or dangerous, they administer the same way in all Circumstances, and in the same Dose to Persons of all Ages, Sexes, and Constitutions.
A hopeful Education I'll swear! Well, I don't wonder that those Fools who venture their Lives in the hands of such Bunglers, load them with such Imprecations at last.
These Wretches however have for some time been in great favour with
Pluto.
And in return for their contributing so considerably to the peopling of his Dominions, they have had the Honour to lodge in the same Quarter with
Alexander, Caesar,
and the rest of the noble Tribe of Man-butchers. But of late years they have sent down such numerous Colonies, that it would have puzled
Pluto
to account for so many swarms (at a time when he heard nothing, by any Advices from the upper World, either of Famine or Pestilence, or very hot Wars) if it were not that, of all the Myriads that daily descend to Hell, there is scarce One of Six, but what lays the Blame of his untimely Fate upon the Quacks. So that at last, he begun to consider them with another eye, and to remit of his Indulgence towards them, as dreading they would at this rate in a short time quite destroy the Brood of Mankind, and so cut off all future Supplies to his Realms. But now this Affair I presume will compleat their Disgrace, and entirely ruin them with
Pluto.
They have for a long time played their
Pills, Drops,
and
Potions
here upon the poor Wretches that are miserable enough besides. But there was never any ear given to their Complaints, for it was suspected to be all meer Fetch and Knavery, and that they were only sick to get the Rigour and wholesome Discipline of our Infernal Regions a little abated. And but the other day, one of these Miscreants, as he was passing by
Tantalus,
who was crying out of Thirst after his old rate, stop'd and told him, that Symptom was entirely owing to the
redundant Choler
in his Blood, and that he could give him a
Potion
that would purge it off to his great Relief. Poor
Tantalus,
who was glad to drink any thing, made but one Draught of his
Potion,
and poured a thousand Blessings upon his pretended Benefactor. But it proved a bitter Draught to him. For it handled him so unmercifully, and, instead of having his Thirst quenched by it, he called out at last so pitifully for Drink, and swooned away so often, that he was obliged to be taken out of his Tub: And now that his great rage of Sickness is abated, they are e'en fain to cocker him up with Broths and Jellies to fill his empty Vessels again. Such things as these passed without being much taken notice of, and for the most part without being credited; but I shall wonder if these Varlets are not called to a severe Account, now that the Gods themselves can't live for them. For you must know that, just about the time that
Pluto
took his Physick, honest old
Charon
got his Dose too.
No sure! How in the name of wonder came
Charon
so tractable and complaisant? I hope his Austerity was not mellowed by a Bottle too?
No faith; He was as sober as I am just now: but you shall hear how it happened. One of these Poison-mongers, who wanted a Cast over, but had not a Farthing to pay his Fare, bethought himself of a sly Expedient. He takes his Seat just by the old Waterman, and begins to make his Court by complimenting him upon his vigorous Constitution and the
Greenness
of his old Age; but at the same time could not help observing that his Skin disgraced them, (for you know he is not very nice about his Linnens, and does not go into a Bath perhaps once in a Century) and that he had contracted something of a
Scorbutick Taint,
by having lived so long upon the Water. But if he would accept of some Doses of his
Pulvis Scelotyrbicus,
and now and then make use of the warm Bath, he might soon become as sleek and pure as a Snake that has just cast his Slough.
Charon
at first made him surly enough Answers, and was like to have grown very rough, but the insinuating Rascal plied him so with positive Remonstrances, that the simple old Dotard began at last to imagine that his Skin really itched. He told him, that what he said might be true enough, but that he had not Leisure to take Physick. The unconscionable Knave replied, that the Medicine which he had to offer him was an
Alterative
and acted insensibly, so that he needed not lose a Moment's Business, nor so much as change his Diet for it. Well, not to tire you with a long Tale,
Charon
takes the
Powders
in lieu of Fare, which was all that the Rascal wanted. And one Dose has wrought him so heartily, that if they were to cure him of a
Leprosy,
I suppose
Cerberus
may take the rest for him. He was obliged to crawl out of his Boat into a Hut by the River's side, where he lies cursing and blaspheming at a hideous rate, and is so peevish and in such a nasty pickle, that no body cares to go near him. Since this Misfortune happened to him, I have been obliged to perform his Office: but to secure my self from having a
Pill
or
Powder
cramm'd down my Throat too, not a Rag of a Quack comes into the Boat as long as I'm Master. They make a deal of pother for Admittance, but I e'en let them strole about the wrong side of the Lake till
Charon
is ready to take care of them himself; and if he does not take care of them with a vengeance, as soon as he gets upon his Stumps again, I shall say his
Choler is purged off
effectually. There is as good as Ten or a Dozen of them already, and they are become so bold, that if I did not keep them at a distance by brushing their Jackets for them when they advance too near, I believe they would think of storming the Boat. But I expect good Sport when they come under
Charon
's Discipline. It will delight one to see how he'll tear and lay about him, and how the poor Scoundrels will scamper up and down, as if they walk'd upon hot Iron.
Yes, I presume they'll stand in need of more Skill than their own to heal themselves. —But I wish
Pluto
would make and end of his Nap, for I shall be obliged to be going presently.
So shall I. I'll step into his Chamber, and see if he is yet awake.—O! I hear him groaning and stretching himself upon the Bed. You may come in,
Hygeia.
How is it with you now,
Pluto?
Mercy on me, you look pitifully!
O
Hygeia!
what have I suffered since I saw you!
Well, I hope you shall not suffer much longer; and if you were once set to rights again, I presume you won't tamper any more with these unlucky Ministers of the Fatal Sisters.
A Pestilence on them! But what must I do? for I find I shall soon be as bad as ever.
Why, you must send for some skilful Physician. You have
Hippocrates, Celsus, Sydenham,
and I don't know how many here, that are an Honour to their great Father
Aesculapius,
and, for the good Offices they have done Mankind, deserve the immortal Fame and compleat Happiness they now enjoy. You must have recourse to their Help, for without Nature's Means and theirs, I never do any thing.
Their Help! I never could endure them: for my Empire might still have remained an unpeopled Desart for them. And I have often been angry with
Minos
and
Rhadamanth,
for allotting them the same habitations with
Solon, Lycurgus, Socrates, Cicero, Brutus,
and the other public Benefactors of Mankind. I little thought ever to have Dealings of this kind with them; but I have reason to lay aside my old Grudges now.
Well, I expect you'll judge more favourably of them hereafter.—But in the mean time,
Pluto,
as there is nothing so curst but what brings some good along with it, I humbly think this Accident might be improved to a profitable use. You know
Ixion
's Wheel is falling to pieces, the Furies Scourges are worn so light and limber, that they are become meer Children's Play: In short, all the Instruments of Hell are going to wrack. Now to save the Expence of repairing them, which will make a great Gap in your Fund, what if all that pompous
Apparatus,
and this Variety of Tortures, were laid aside, and the Medicines of these Quacks (which come cheap enough, for all their exorbitant Bills) made use of in their stead, and administred once, twice, or thrice a Week, in proportion to the Offence, Habit, and Constitution of the Criminals, and
pro ratione Virium & Operationis.
Blast me, all the Gods! if I take
Potion
more.—I'll drink
Phlegethon
first.—Let me into my Tub again—Oh!—
So
Tantalus,
you have got a quick Ear.
Pluto
will perhaps excuse you if you speak him fair. But pray,
Mercury,
let us hear the rest of your Scheme, with
Pluto
's leave, it may perhaps divert him.
Well, in the mean time that the Furies may not lie out of Business, nor want an Imployment suitable to their Dispositions; I would propose that they should have the pleasure to administer these
Pills, Potions,
&c. and in short to perform the Office of the Quacks.
And pray what will you make of the Quacks themselves? What uncommon Torments are you preparing for them?
As for them, that they may still be occupied in something Analogous to their former Trade, let it be their Business to take care of the Kennels, Sewers, and Common-shores; nor think it below them to be the Scavengers of Hell.
By
Jupiter,
a good Contrivance!
Pluto,
what do you say to this?
—Ye Gods!
Pluto
is as bad as ever! How he heaves! how he sweats! how he's convulsed! as if his whole Frame were disjointed! I must make Dispatch, and send hither
Hippocrates
and some of the rest of the Physicians, and then to the Oar again. Do you,
Hygeia,
stay here in the mean time.
I shall. Fare you well,
Mercury,
and make haste.
ADVERTISEMENT.
THE following Letter was found in the Streets, where it had probably been dropt by Mr.
W—d.
This accident has in all likelihood deprived those impartial Records of Fame,
The London Evening Post
and
Daily Advertiser,
of the Honour of ushering it into the World. But that it may not be entirely lost, neither to the Public nor that illustrious Person to whom it does Justice, I take the liberty to print it here.
To the greatest of self-taught Physicians, to the Sage pregnant with Knowledge not revealed by Mortal Pens, to the Dragon's Eye of Sagacity, to the far-fam'd Master of the Pill of Pills and Drop of Drops, to the invincible
J— W—, Usbek
the
Persian,
greeting.
I Took the wondrous Pill which thou sentest me, and lay for three Days and three Nights under the despotic Sovereignty of Physick. Almighty
Alla!
How did the Billows of Sickness overwhelm me! How did the Rage of vollied Torments shake my fleshly Mansion almost to ruins, while my trembling Soul thought of nothing but Flight! But now rosy Health smiles again upon me, and my Years look green in a new Spring: For which I thank thy spirit-giving Hand, and shall ever celebrate thy immortal Name with Praises lofty as
Imaus,
sweet-smelling as the spicy Vales of
Arabia.
Hail, enormous
Mass of Pilular
Merit! Thou mighty Possessor of the
Universal Remedy,
the
Pill
of
Strength,
the
Drop
of
Energy,
the
Arcanum
of the
Wise,
the
Philosopher's Stone,
such as never rose from the secret Furnace of mysterious vaunting
Paracelsus!
(For not the golden Pill of Day disperses Influence more vivifying than thine Terrestrial and of Mineral Birth!) Thou, for whom the
Great
(O glorious Task!) wield their deputed Pens! And to whom the
Judges of the Earth
do Justice! Thou, who
compressest the Glands
of the
Paralytic
Eye, and administrest to the Wretched, the sweet
relief of Tears! For thrice wretched they to whom this Comfort is denied!
In a word, thou great earthly Mover of the obedient Microcosm! all hail! And may I join to thee, Him next in Name? who
daily
thunders almost with equal Force on my astounded Ear: Him, the vindictive Scourge of
Worms!
Him, greater than the Flower of
English
Chivalry, the Boast of ancient Time,
St. George!
Him, conspicuous with the Spoils of many a vanquish'd Monster! And to whom contending Monarchs, justled from the middle of the Sheets of Fame, diurnally give place! And let my upright heart bestow upon your whole illustrious Brotherhood their due share of Incense.
Alla
forbid that I should pass them in stupid Silence! For neither is their Renown unknown to me. O all ye (who can count you, innumerable and bright as the Stars!) Ye, who without the help of vain Science, and uncramped by stiff Education, have gained the proud heights of Physick! Ye Worthies of
Emetic
Renown! Ye whose skilful hands weed the too luxuriant animal Kingdom! Ye whose
Pills
and
Potions purge the World!
Let me stand astonished at your Power, and bid my voracious Appetite of Wonders riot eternally on your miraculous Might. For you command, and Destruction opens wide her devouring Jaws! The wrathful Pestilence waits your tremendous Nod! You teach the
imprisoned Aphrodisiack
Bane to rage, and the great ones of the Earth tremble! They tremble, yea and melt in fearful
Sweats
at your Power! That Power, the liberal Gift of auspicious Nature, the Envy and Astonishment of the Learned. O unbought Erudition! More to be valued far than the Mountains of
Ophir
teeming with Gold, or the massy Pearls of the Orient!—O when will come these
Golden Days
when Physicians shall be all of one
Sect?
When
Hippocrates,
when
Galen;
when
Boerhaave,
shall be no more? When
Spontaneous
Knowledge shall spring from the
uncultivated
Soil? When the grief of Reading and tedious Application shall cease? When the universal Smoak of blazing Libraries shall ascend, and wrap the happy Day in a more glorious Night? And when the Professors of the healing Art shall, with one Mind, entirely resign themselves to
enlightening
Nature, and like you (O sole
inspired Physicians!
) trust to
Inspiration
alone? Even then when a new
Gothic
Inundation shall overwhelm the Earth, and the last footsteps of abhorred Learning shall melt away. Happy! Oh! infinitely happy! they, whom kind Nature locks up in the dark Womb of Time, to sally forth with impetuous eagerness into the Enjoyment of these blissful Days! Oh! too happy already! if they could but know their happiness. For even we, the present Generation of Mortals, we (thank Heaven!) taste the Sweets of these delicious Days: Taste, and envy the sleeping Seeds of our late Posterity. Yes, in you we taste these Joys, O Godlike Deliverers from mortal Woes, from the Bondage of the Flesh, and from all the Sorrows and Infirmities that
Flesh is Heir to!
O! that I could wield the irresistable Bolts of
Demosthenian
Eloquence! Oh! for the Tongues of Ten thousand
Seraphims
to sing your Praises, and hush with conscious Shame the mistuned
Spheres!
For sure no Mortal, not all the Mortals that have sprung from the Loins of the first Man, with all that shall precede the last Crush of this System, joined in full Concert, could warble
Elogiums
worthy you. Let me not therefore violate the sacred Theme, nor touch your divine Names with my fleshly Lips, lest a wrathful
Cancer
should consume them, or a
commissioned Palsy
revenge you on my profane Tongue. And yet—But whither do these Raptures hurry me? Transported by the inspiring Subject, I have unawares swelled my Letter of acknowledgment to Thee, with an
Encomium
upon the Society of which thou justly claimest to be the Head. And now, before I lay down my Pen, I must tell thee that, smit with an absolute Curiosity, I design a Visit this Winter to thy amazing Country: The Land of Wonders, where, besides the almost incredible Feats of thy astonishing Fraternity, a thousand other Prodigies, worthy (if Fame says true) of eternal Admiration, grow. For I hear of Things and Manners marvelous, scarce utterable by mortal Tongues, and not to be believed without the Vouchers of one's proper Eyes.
Alla
preserve thee, sage
J—s—ah.
From
Paris.
THE END.