THE ADVENTURES OF
Roderick Random.
Et genus & virtus, nisi cum re, vilior alga est.
HOR.
VOL. II.
LONDON: Printed for J. OSBORN in Pater-noster-Row. MDCCXLVIII.
THE CONTENTS OF THE SECOND VOLUME.
CHAP. XXXVII. We depart for Europe—a misunderstanding arises between the captain and surgeon, through the scandalous aspersions of Crampley—the captain dies—Crampley tyrannizes over the surgeon, who falls a victim to his cruelty—I am also ill used—the ship strikes—the behaviour of Crampley and the seamen on that occasion—I get on shore, challenge the captain to single combat—am treacherously knocked down, wounded and robbed. p. 1
CHAP. XXXVIII. I get up, and crawl into a barn, where I am in danger of perishing thro' the fear of the country people—their inhumanity—I am succoured by a reputed witch—her story—her advice—she recommends me as a valet to a single lady, whose character she explains.
CHAP. XXXIX. My reception by that lady—I become enamoured of Narcissa—recount the particulars of my last misfortune—acquire the good opinion of my mistress—an account of the young 'Squire—I am made acquainted with more particulars of Narcissa's situation—conceive a mortal hatred against Sir Timothy—I examine my lady's library and performances—her extravagant behaviour. p. 18
CHAP. XL. She is surprized at my learning—communicates her performances to me—I impart some of mine to her—am mortified at her faint praise—Narcissa approves of my production—I gain an involuntary conquest over the cook-wench and dairy-maid—their mutual resentment and insinuations—the jealousy of their lovers. p. 27
CHAP. XLI. Narcissa being in danger from the brutality of Sir Timothy, is reseued by me, who revenge myself on my rival—I declare my passion, and retreat to the sea-side—I am surrounded by smugglers, and carried to Bulloign—I find my uncle lieutenant Bowling, in great distress, and relieve him—our conversation. p. 35
CHAP. XLII. He takes his passage in a Cutter for Deal—we are accosted by a Priest, who proves to be a Scottishman—his professions of friendship—he is affronted by the lieutenant, who afterwards appeases him by submission—my uncle embarks—I am introduced by the priest to a capuchin, in whose company I set out for Paris—the character of my fellowtraveller—an adventure on the road—I am shocked at his behaviour. p. 47
CHAP. XLIII. We lodge at a house near Amiens, where I am robbed by the capuchin, who escapes while I am asleep—I go to Noyons in search of him, but without success—I make my condition known to several people, but find no relief—I grow desperate—join a company of soldiers—inlist in the regiment of Picardy—we are ordered into Germany—I find the fatigues of the march almost intolerable—quarrel with my comerade in a dispute upon politicks—he challenges me into the field, wounds and disarms me. p. 56
CHAP. XLIV. The Gascon does not use his victory with all the moderation that might have been expected—In order to be revenged I learn the science of Defence—we join Marechal Duc de Noailles—are engaged with the allies at Dettingen, and put to flight—the behaviour of the French soldiers on that occasion—I industriously seek another combat with the old Gascon, and vanquish him in my turn—our regiment is put into winter-quarters at Rheims, where I find my friend Strap—our recognition—he supplies me with money, and procures my discharge—we take a trip to Paris; from whence we set out for London by the way of Flanders, where we safely arrive. p. 65
CHAP. XLV. I enquire about my uncle, and understand he is gone to sea—take lodgings at Charing-cross—go to the Play, where I meet with an adventure—I go to an ordinary; the guests described—become acquainted with Medlar and doctor Wagtail. p. 80
CHAP. XLVI. Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine gentlemen, with whom I spend the evening at a tavern—our conversation—the characters of my new companions—the doctor is roasted—the issue of our debauch. 99
CHAP. XLVII. Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made on a chandler's widow—finds himself miserably mistaken—I go to the opera—admire Melinda—am cautioned by Banter—go to the assembly at Hampstead—dance with that young lady—receive an insolent message from Bragwell, whose mettle is soon is cooled—am in favour with my mistress, whom I visit next day; and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards—Strap triumphs at my success, but is astonished at my expence—Banter comes to my lodging, is very sarcastic at my expence, and borrows five guineas from me, as a proof his friendship. p. 114
CHAP. XLVIII. We repair to the coffeehouse, where we overhear a curious dispute between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision—the doctor gives us an account of his experiment—Medlar is roasted by Banter at the ordinary—the old gentleman's advice to me. p. 126
CHAP. XLIX. I receive a challenge—the consequences of it—the quarrel being made up, I am put in arrest, by the care and affection of Strap—but immediately released upon explaining my affair—the behaviour of Mr. Oregan and his two friends—I visit Melinda, whom I divert with an account of the duel—I propose marriage—she refers the matter to her mother, of whom I make a solemn demand of her daughter—the old lady's behaviour—I am discarded, resent their disdain. p. 132
CHAP. L. I long to be revenged on Melinda—apply to Banter for his assistance—he conceives a scheme for that purpose, which is put in execution with great success—I make an attempt on the heart of Miss Gripewell, but am disappointed—I grow melancholy at my disappointment, and have recourse to the bottle—receive a billet doux—am ravished with the contents—find myself involved in an intrigue, which I imagined would make my fortune—am confounded at my mistake, which banishes all thoughts of matrimony. p. 143
CHAP. LI. I cultivate an acquaintance with two noblemen—am introduced to Earl Strutwell—his kind promise and invitation—the behaviour of his porter and lacquey—he receives me with an appearance of uncommon affection—undertakes to speak in my behalf to the minister—informs me of his success, and wishes me joy—introduces a conversation about Petronius Arbiter—falls in love with my watch, which I press upon him—I make a present of a diamond ring to Lord Stradle—impart my good fortune to Strap, and Banter, who disabuses me, to my utter mortification. p. 157
CHAP. LII. I attempt to recover my watch and jewel, but to no purpose—resolve to revenge myself on Strutwell by my importunity—am reduced to my last guinea—obliged to inform Strap of my necessity, who is almost distracted with the news—but nevertheless obliged to pawn my best sword for present subsistence—that small supply being near exhausted, I am almost stupified with my misfortunes—go to the gaming table, by the advice of Banter, and come off with unexpected success—Strap's extacy—Mrs. Gawkey waits upon me, professes remorse for her perfidy, and implores my assistance—I do myself a piece of justice by her means, and afterwards reconcile her to her father. p. 169
CHAP. LIII. I purchase new cloaths—reprimand Strutwell and Straddle—Banter proposes another matrimonial scheme—I accept of his terms—set out for Bath in a stage-coach, with the young lady and her mother—the behaviour of an officer and lawyer, our fellow travellers, described—a smart dialogue between my mistress and the captain. p. 181
CHAP. LIV. Day breaking, I have the pleasure of viewing the person of miss Snapper, whom I had not seen before—the soldier is witty upon me—is offended, talks much of his valour—is reprimanded by a grave gentlewoman—we are alarmed with the cry of highwaymen—I get out of the coach, and stand on my desence—they ride off without having attacked us—I pursue them—one of them is thrown from his horse and taken—I return to the coach—am complimented by Miss Snapper—the captain's behaviour on this occasion—the prude reproaches me in a soliloquy—I upbraid her in the same manner—the behaviour of Mrs. Snapper at breakfast, disobliges me—the lawyer is witty upon the officer, who threatens him. p. 190
CHAP. LV. I resolve to ingratiate myself with the mother, and am favoured by accident—the precise lady finds her husband, and quits the coach—the captain is disappointed of his dinner—we arrive at Bath—I accompany Miss Snapper to the Long-Room, where she is attacked by beau N—h, and turns the laugh against him—I make love to her and receive a check—I squire her to an assembly, where I am blest with a sight of my dear Narcissa, which discomposes me so much, that Miss Snapper, observing my disorder, is at pains to discover the cause—is picqued at the occasion, and in our way home, pays me a sarcastic compliment—I am met by Miss Williams, who is maid and confidante of Narcissa—she acquaints me with her lady's regard for me while under the disguise of a servant, and describes the transports of Narcissa on seeing me at the assembly in the character of a gentleman—I am surprized with an account of her aunt's marriage, and make an appointment to meet Miss Williams next day. p. 200
CHAP. LVI. I become acquainted with Narcissa's brother, who invites me to his house—where I am introduced to that adorable creature—after dinner, the Squire retires to take his nap—Freeman guessing the situation of my thoughts, withdraws likewise on pretence of business—I declare my passion for Narcissa—am well received—charmed with her conversation—the Squire detains us to supper—I elude his design by a stratagem, and get home sober. p. 213
CHAP. LVII. Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa's approbation of my flame—I appease the Squire—write to my mistress, am blessed with an answer—beg leave of her brother to dance with her at a ball; obtain his consent and her's—enjoy a private conversation with her—am perplexed with reflections—have the honour of appearing her partner at the ball—we are complimented by a certain nobleman—he discovers some symptoms of passion for Narcissa—I am stung with jealousy—Narcissa alarmed, retires—I observe Melinda in the company—the Squire is captivated by her beauty. p. 226
CHAP. LVIII. Tortured with jealousy, I go home and abuse Strap—receive a message from Narcissa, in consequence of which, I hasten to her apartment, where her endearing assurances banish all my doubts and apprehensions—in my retreat I discover somebody in the dark, whom, suspecting to be a spy, I resolve to kill: but to my great surprize, am convinced of his being no other than Strap—Melinda slanders me—I become acquainted with Lord Quiverwit, who endeavours to sound me with regard to Narcissa—the Squire is introduced to his lordship, and grows cold towards me—I learn from my confidante, that this nobleman professes honourable love to my mistress, who continues faithful to me, notwithstanding the scandalous report she has heard to my prejudice—I am mortified with an assurance that her whole fortune depends upon the pleasure of her brother—Mr. Freeman condoles me on the decline of my character, which I vindicate so much to his satisfaction, that he undertakes to combat fame in my behalf. p. 238
CHAP. LIX. I receive an extraordinary message at the door of the Long Room, which I however enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens to take the law of me—I rebuke Melinda for her malice—she weeps with vexation—Lord Quiverwit is severe upon me—I retort his sarcasm—am received with the utmost tenderness by Narcissa, who desires to hear the story of my life—we vow eternal constancy to one another—I retire—am waked by a messenger, who brings a challenge from Quiverwit, whom I meet, engage, and vanquish. p. 246
CHAP. LX. I am visited by Freeman, with whom I appear in publick, and am caressed—I am sent for by Lord Quiverwit, whose presence I quit in a passion—Narcissa is carried off by her brother—I intend to pursue him, and am dissuaded by my friend—I engage in play, and lose all my money—set out for London—try my fortune at the gaming-table, without success—receive a letter from Narcissa—bilk my taylor. p. 255
CHAP. LXI. I am arrested—carried to the Marshalsea—find my old acquaintance beau Jackson in that jail—he informs me of his adventures—Strap arrives, and with difficulty is comforted—Jackson introduces me to a poet—I admire his conversation and capacity—am deeply affected with my misfortune—Strap hires himself as a journeyman-barber, p. 265
CHAP. LXII. I read Melopoyn's tragedy, and conceive a vast opinion of his genius—he recounts his adventures. p. 274
CHAP. LXIII. The continuation and conclusion of Mr. Melopoyn's story. p. 286
CHAP. LXIV. I am seized with a deep melancholy, and become a sloven—I am relieved by my uncle—he prevails upon me to engage with his owners, as surgeon of the ship which he commands—he makes me a considerable present—entertains Strap as his steward—I take my leave of my friends, and go on board—the ship arrives at the Downs. p. 303
CHAP. LXV. I set out for Sussex—consult Mrs. Sagely—atchieve an interview with Narcissa—return to the ship—we get clear of the channel—I learn our destination—we are chaced by a large ship—the company are dismayed, and encouraged by the captain's speech—our pursuer happens to be an English man of war—we arrive on the coast of Guinea, purchase 400 negroes, sail for Paraguay, get safe into the river of Plate, and sell our cargo to great advantage. p. 313
CHAP. LXVI. I am invited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, where we meet with an English gentleman, and make a very interesting discovery—we leave Buenos Ayres, and arrive at Jamaica. p. 325
CHAP. LXVII. I visit my old friend Thomson—we set sail for Europe, meet with an odd adventure—arrive in England—I ride across the country from Portsmouth to Sussex—converse with Mrs. Sagely, who informs me of Narcissa's being in London—in consequence of this intelligence, I proceed to Canterbury—meet with my old friend Morgan—arrive at London—visit Narcissa—introduce my father to her—he is charmed with her good sense and beauty—we come to a determination of demanding her brother's consent to our marriage. p. 337
CHAP. LXVIII. My father makes a present to Narcissa—the letter is dispatched to her brother—I appear among my acquaintance—Banter's behaviour—the Squire refuses his consent—my uncle comes to town—approves of my choice—I am married—we meet the Squire and his lady at the play—our acquaintance is courted. p. 351
CHAP. LXIX. My father intends to revisit the place of his nativity—we propose to accompany him—my uncle renews his will in my favour, determines to go to sea again—we set out for Edinburgh—purchase our paternal estate—proceed to it—halt at the town where I was educated—take up my bond to Crab—the behaviour of Potion and his wife, and of my female cousins—our reception at the estate—Strap marries Miss Williams, and is settled by my father to his own satisfaction—I am more and more happy. p. 360
THE ADVENTURES OF
RODERICK RANDOM.
CHAP. XXXVII.
We depart for Europe—a misunderstanding arises between the captain and surgeon, through the scandalous aspersions of Crampley—the captain dies—Crampley tyrannizes over the surgeon, who falls a victim to his cruelty—I am also ill used—the ship strikes—the behaviour of Crampley and the seamen on that occasion.—I get on shore, challenge the captain to single combat—am treacherously knocked down, wounded and robbed.
NOW that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, I felt excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that fatal island, which has been the grave of so many Europeans; and as I was accommodated with every thing to render the passage agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much as the insolence of Crampley would permit.—This insidious slanderer had found means already to cause a misunderstanding between the surgeon and captain, who by his age and infirmities was rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition having also been sowred by a long course of disappointments, and had a particular aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons, whom he considered as unnecessary animals on board of a ship.—In consequence of these sentiments, he never consulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being seized with a violent fit of the gout and gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland-gin, which was his sovereign prescription against all distempers: But whether he was at this time too sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, certain it is, he departed in the night, without any ceremony, which indeed was a thing he always despised, and was found stiff, next morning, to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who succeeded to the command of the vessel.—For that very reason, Mr. Tomlins and I had no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our new commander would now be as unlimited as his power.—The first day of his command justified our apprehension: For on pretence that the decks were too much crowded, he ordered the surgeon's hen-coops, with all his fowls, to be thrown over-board; and at the same time, prohibited him and me from appearing on the quarter-deck. Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in the course of his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which Crampley taking hold, confined him to his cabbin, where, in a few days, for want of air, he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an end to his life, after having made his will, by which he bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to his sister; and left to me his watch and instruments, as remembrances of his friendship.—I was penetrated with grief on this melancholy occasion! the more because there was no body on board, to whom I could communicate my griefs, or of whom I could receive the least consolation or advice.—Crampley was so far from discovering the least remorse for his barbarity, at the news of the surgeon's death, that he insulted his memory in the most abusive manner, and affirmed he had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dreading to be brought to a court-martial for mutiny; for which reason, he would not suffer the service of the dead to be read over his body before it was thrown over-board.
Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the brutal sway of this bashaw; who to render my life the more irksome, signified to my mess-mates, a desire that I should be expelled from their society.—This was no sooner hinted, than they granted his request; and I was fain to eat in a solitary manner by myself during the rest of the passage, which however soon drew to a period.
We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain, that by his reckoning we must be in soundings, and desired he would order the lead to be heaved.—Crampley swore, he did not know how to keep the ship's way, for we were not within a hundred leagues of soundings, and therefore he would not give himself the trouble to cast the lead.—Accordingly, we continued our course all that afternoon and night, without shortening sail, although the gunner pretended to discover Scilly light; and next morning protested in form against the captain's conduct; for which he was put in confinement.—We discovered no land all that day, and Crampley was still so infatuated as to neglect sounding: But at three o' clock in the morning, the ship struck, and remained fast on a sand bank. This accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat was immediately hoisted out, but as we could not discern which way the shore lay, we were obliged to wait for day-light. In the mean time, the wind increased, and the waves beat against the sloop with such violence, that we expected she would have gone to pieces. The gunner was released and consulted: He advised the captain to cut away the mast, in order to lighten her; this was performed without success: The sailors seeing things in a desperate situation, according to custom, broke up the chests belonging to the officers, dressed themselves in their cloaths, drank their liquors without ceremony; and drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued.—In the midst of this uproar, I went below to secure my own effects; and found the carpenter's mate he wing down the purser's cabbin with his hatchet, whistling all the while, with great composure. When I asked his intention in so doing, he replied very calmly,
"I only want to taste the purser's rum, that's all, master."—
At that instant the purser coming down, and seeing his effects going to wreck, complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked the fellow what occasion he had for liquor, when in all likelihood he would be in eternity in a few minutes.
"All's one for that (said the plunderer) let us live while we can.—Miserable wretch that thou art! (cried the purser) what must be thy lot in the other world, if thou diest in the commission of robbery?"—
"Why, hell, I suppose, (replied the other, with great deliberation,)"
while the purser fell on his knees and begged of heaven that we might not all perish for the sake of one Jonas.—During this dialogue, I cloathed myself in my best apparel, girded on my hanger, stuck my pistols loaded in my belt, disposed of all my valuable moveables about my person, and came upon deck, with a resolution of taking the first opportunity to get on shore, which, when the day broke, appeared at the distance of three miles a-head.—Crampley finding his efforts to get the ship off ineffectual, determined to consult his own safety, by going into the boat, which he had no sooner done, than the ship's company followed so fast, that she would have sunk along-side, had not some one wiser than the rest cut the rope and put off.—But before this happened, I had made several attempts to get in, and was always baulked by the captain, who was so eager in excluding me, that he did not mind the endeavours of any other body.—Enraged at this inhuman partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled one of my pistols from my belt, and cocking it, swore I would shoot any man who should presume to obstruct my entrance. So saying, I leaped with my full exertion, and got on board of the boat with the loss of the skin of one of my shins.—I chanced in my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner got up than he struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered the men to throw me overboard; but they were too anxious about their own safety to mind what he said.—Though the boat was very deeply loaded, and the sea terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less than an hour after we parted from the sloop.—As soon as I set foot on
terra firma,
my indignation, which had boiled so long within me, broke out against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to single combat, presenting my pistols, that he might take his choice: He took one without hesitation, and before I could cock the other fired in my face throwing the pistol after the shot.—I felt myself stunned, and imagining the bullet had entered my brain, discharged mine as quick as possible, that I might not die unrevenged; then flying upon my antagonist, knocked out several of his fore-teeth with the but-end of the piece; and would certainly have made an end of him with that instrument, had he not disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass, which he had given to his servant when he received the pistol. Seeing him armed in this manner, I drew my hanger, and having flung my pistol at his head, closed with him in a transport of fury, and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which it enlarged on one side to his ear.—Whether the smart of this wound disconcerted him, or the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I know not, but he staggered some paces back: I followed close, and with one stroke cut the tendons of the back of his hand, upon which his cutlass dropt, and he remained defenceless.—I know not with what cruelty my rage might have inspired me, if I had not at that instant, been felled to the ground by a blow on the back part of my head, which deprived me of all sensation.—When I received the use of my understanding, I found myself alone in a desolate place, stript of my cloaths, money, watch, buckles, and every thing but my shoes, stockings, breeches, and shirt.—What a discovery must this be to me, who but an hour before, was worth sixty guineas in cash! I cursed the hour of my birth, the parents that gave me being, the sea that did not swallow me up, the poignard of the enemy, which could not find the way to my heart, the villainy of those who had left me in that miserable condition, and in the exstacy of despair, resolved to lie still where I was and perish.
CHAP. XXXVIII.
I get up, and crawl into a barn, where I am in danger of perishing thro' the fear of the country people—their inhumanity—I am succoured by a reputed witch—her story—her advice—she recommends me as a valet to a single lady, whose character she explains.
BUT as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I considered my situation in quite another light from that in which it appeared to me at first, and the result of my deliberation was to get up if I could, and crawl to the next inhabited place for assistance.—With some difficulty I got upon my legs, and having examined my body, found I had received no other injury than two large contused wounds, one on the fore and another on the hinder part of my head; which seemed to be occasioned by the same weapon; namely, the butt-end of a pistol. I looked towards the sea, but could discern no remains of the ship; which made me conclude she had gone to pieces, and that those who remained in her had perished: But, as I afterwards learned, the gunner, who had more sagacity than Crampley, observing that it was flood when we left her, and that she would possibly float at high-water, made no noise about getting on shore, but continued on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some barbour, after the commander had deserted her, for which he expected, no doubt, to be handsomely rewarded.—This he accordingly performed, and was promised great things by the admiralty for saving his Majesty's ship; but I never heard he reaped the fruits of his expectation.—As for my own part, I directed my course towards a small cottage I perceived, and in the road picked up a sea-man's old jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself in my cloaths, had thrown away; this was a very comfortable acquisition to me, who was almost stiff with cold: I therefore put it on, and as my natural heat revived, my wounds, which had left off bleeding, burst out afresh; so that finding myself excessively exhausted, I was about to lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn on my left hand, within a few yards of me; thither I made shift to stagger, and finding the door open, went in, but saw no body; upon which I threw myself upon a truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved by some person or other.—I had not lain here many minutes, when I saw a countryman come in with a pitch-fork in his hand, which he was upon the point of thrusting into the straw that concealed me, and in all probability would have done my business, had I not uttered a dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to speak.—This melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started back, and discovering a body all besmeared with blood, stood trembling, with the pitch-fork extended before him, his hair erect, his eyes staring, his nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide open.—At another time, I should have been much diverted with this figure, which preserved the same attitude very near a quarter of an hour, during which time I made many unsuccessful efforts to implore his compassion and assistance; but my tongue failed me, and my language was only a repetition of groans: At length an old man arrived, who seeing the other in such a posture, cried,
"Mercy upon en! the leaad's bewitch'd!—why dick, beest thou besayd thyself?"—
Dick, without moving his eyes from the object that terrified him, replied,
"O vather! vather! here be either the devil or a dead mon: I doan't know which o'en, but a groans woundily."—
The father, whose eye-sight was none of the best, pulled out his spectacles, and having applied them to his nose, reconnoitred me over his son's shoulder: But no sooner did he behold me, than he was seized with a fit of shaking, even more violent than Dick's, and with a broken accent addressed me thus:
"In the name of the Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghosty, I charge you an you been Satan to begone to the Red-Zea; but an you be a moordered mon, speak, that you may have a christom burial."—
As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this particular, he repeated his conjuration to no purpose; and they continued a good while in the agonies of fear.—At length the father proposed, that the son should draw nearer and take a more distinct view of the apparition; but Dick was of opinion that his father should advance first, as being an old man past his labour, and if he received any mischief, the loss would be the smaller; whereas he himself might escape, and be useful in his generation.—This prudential reason had no effect upon the senior, who still kept Dick between me and him.—In the mean time I endeavoured to raise one hand as a signal of distress, but had only strength sufficient to cause a rustling among the straw, which discomposed the young peasant so much, that he sprung out at the door, and overthrew his father in his flight.—The old gentleman would not spend time in getting up, but crawled backwards like a crab, with great speed, till he had got over the threshold, mumbling exorcisms all the way.—I was exceedingly mortified to find myself in danger of perishing through the ignorance and cowardice of these clowns; and felt my spirits decay apace, when an old woman entered the barn, followed by the two fugitives, and with great intrepidity advanced to the place where I lay, saying,
"If it be the devil I fearen not, and for a dead mon a can do us no harm."—
When she saw my condition, she cried
"Here be no devil, but in youren fool's head.—Here be a poor miserable wretch, bleeding to death, and if he dies, we must be at the charge of burying him; therefore Dick, go vetch the old wheel-barrow and puten in, and carry him to good-man Hodge's back-door, he is more eable than we to lay out money upon poor vagrants."—
Her advice was taken, and immediately put in execution: I was rolled to the other farmer's door, where I was tumbled out like a heap of dung; and would certainly have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans had not disturbed the family, and brought some of them out to view my situation.—But Hodge resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered me to be carried to the house of the parson, whose business it was to practise as well as to preach charity: observing that it was sufficient for him to pay his
quota
toward the maintenance of the poor belonging to his own parish.—When I was set down at the vicar's gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and threatned to excommunicate him who sent as well as those who brought me, unless they would move me immediately to another place.—About this time I fainted with the fatigue I had undergone, and afterwards understood that I was bandied from door to door through a whole village, no body having humanity enough to administer the least relief to me, until an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft by the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, received me into her house, and having dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own preparing.—I was treated with great care and tenderness by this grave matron, who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to know the particulars of my last disaster.—This piece of satisfaction I could not refuse to one who had saved my life, therefore related all my adventures without exaggeration or reserve. She seemed surprised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a happy presage of my future life, from my past sufferings, then launched out into the praise of adversity with so much ardour and good sense, that I concluded she was a person who had seen better days, and conceived a longing desire to hear her story.—She perceived my drift by some words I dropped, and smiling, told me, there was nothing either entertaining or extraordinary in the course of her fortune; but however, she would communicate it to me, in consideration of the confidence I had reposed in her.—
"It is of little consequence (said she) to tell the names of my parents, who are dead many years ago: let it suffice to assure you, they were wealthy, and had no other child than me, so that I was looked upon as heiress to a considerable estate, and tiezed with addresses on that account. Among the number of my admirers, there was a young gentleman of no fortune, whose sole dependence was on his promotion in the army, in which at that time he bore a lieutenant's commission.—I conceived an affection for this amiable officer, which in a short time encreased to a violent passion, and, without entering into minute circumstances, married him privately.—We had not enjoyed one another long, in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his regiment to Flanders; but before he set out, it was agreed between us, that he should declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore his pardon for the step we had taken without his approbation.—This was done while I was abroad visiting, and just as I was about to return home, I received a letter from my father, importing, that since I had acted so undutifully and meanly, as to marry a beggar, without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his family, as well as the disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me to the miserable fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged me never to set foot within his doors again.—This rigid sentence was confirmed by my mother, who, in a postscript, gave me to understand that her sentiments were exactly conformable to those of my father, and that I might save myself the trouble of making any applications, for her resolution was unalterable.—Thunderstruck with my evil fortune, I called a coach and drove to my husband's lodgings, where I found him waiting the event of his letter.—Though he could easily divine by my looks, the issue of his declaration, he read with great steadiness the epistle I had received; and with a smile full of tenderness, which I shall never forget, embraced me, saying,
I believe the good lady your mother might have spared herself the trouble of the last part of her postscript.—Well, my dear Betty, you must lay aside all thoughts of a coach, 'till I can procure the command of a regiment.
—This unconcerned behaviour, while it enabled me to support my reverse of fortune, at the same time endeared him to me the more, by convincing me of his disinterested views in espousing me.—I was next day boarded in company with the wise of another officer, who had long been friend and confident of my husband, at a village not far from London, where they parted with us in the most melting manner, went to Flanders, and were killed in fight of one another at the battle of the Wood.—Why should I tire you with a description of our unutterable sorrow at the fatal news of this event, the remembrance of which now fills my aged eyes with tears! When our grief subsided a little, and reflection came to our aid, we found ourselves deserted by the whole world, and in danger of perishing for want: Whereupon we made application for the pension, and were put upon the list. Then vowing eternal friendship, sold our jewels and superfluous cloaths, retired to this place (which is in the county of Sussex) bought this little house, where we lived may years in a solitary manner, indulging our mutual sorrow, 'till it pleased heaven to call away my companion, two years ago; since which time I have lingered out an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I promise myself the eternal reward of all my cares.—In the mean time, (continued she) I must inform you of the character I bear among my neighbours.—My conversation being different from that of the inhabitants of the village, my recluse way of life, my skill in curing distempers, which I acquired from books since I settled here, and lastly, my age, have made the common people look upon me as something preternatural, and I am actually at this hour believed to be a witch. The person of the parish, whose acquaintance I have not been at much pains to cultivate, taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, has contributed not a little towards the confirmation of this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my prejudice, among the vulgar, who are also very much scandalized at my entertaining this poor tabby cat with the collar about her neck, which was a favourite of my deceased companion."
The whole behaviour of this venerable person, was so primitive, innocent, sensible, and humane, that I contracted a filial respect for her, and begged her advice with regard to my future conduct, as soon as I was in a condition to act for myself.—She dissuaded me from a design I had formed of travelling to London in hopes of retrieving my cloaths and pay, by returning to my ship, which by this time, I read in a newspaper, was safely arrived in the river Thames:
"Because (said she) you run the hazard of being treated not only as a deserter, in quitting the sloop, but also as a mutineer in assaulting your commanding officer, to the malice of whose revenge you will moreover be exposed."—
She then promised to recommend me as a servant to a single lady of her acquaintance, who lived in the neighbourhood with her nephew, who was a young fox-hunter of great fortune, where I might be very happy, provided I could bear with the disposition and manners of my mistress, which were somewhat whimsical and particular.—But above all things, she counselled me to conceal my story, the knowledge of which would effectually poison my entertainment; for it was a maxim among most people of condition, that no gentleman in distress ought to be admitted into a family, as a domestick, lest he become proud, lazy, and insolent.—I was fain to embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs were desperate; and in a few days was hired by this lady, to serve in quality of her footman; being represented by my hostess, as a young man, who having been sent to sea by his relations against his inclinations, was shipwrecked and robbed, which had encreased his disgust to that way of life so much, that he rather chose to go to service on shore than enter himself on board of any other ship.—Before I took possession of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my mistress's character, that I might know better how to regulate my conduct.
"Your lady (said she) is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable for her beauty as her learning and taste, which is famous all over the county.—Indeed she is a perfect female
virtuosi,
and so eager after the pursuit of knowledge, that she neglects her person even to a degree of sluttishness; this negligence, together with her contempt for the male part of the creation, gives her nephew no great concern, as by that means, he will probably keep her fortune, which is considerable, in the family. He therefore permits her to live in her own way, which is something extraordinary, and gratifies her in all her whimsical desires.—Her apartment is at some distance from the other inhabited parts of the house; and consists of a dining-room, bed-chamber and study: She keeps a cookmaid, waiting-woman, and footman of her own, and seldom eats or converses with any of the family, but her niece, who is a very lovely creature, and humours her aunt often to the prejudice of her own health, by sitting up with her whole nights together; for your mistress is too much of a philosopher to be swayed by the customs of the world, and never sleeps or eats as other people do.—Among other odd notions, she professes the principles of Rosicrucius, and believes the earth, air, and sea are inhabited by invisible beings, with whom it is possible for the human species to entertain correspondence and intimacy, on the easy condition of living chaste.—As she hopes one day to be admitted into an acquaintance of this kind, she no sooner heard of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, with a view, as she has since owned, to be introduced to my familiar; and was greatly mortified to find herself disappointed in her expectation. Being by this visionary turn of mind, abstracted as it were from the world, she cannot advert to the common occurrences of life; and therefore is frequently so absent as to commit very strange mistakes and extravagancies, which you will do well to rectify and repair, as your prudence shall suggest."
CHAP. XXXIX.
My reception by that lady—I become enamoured of Narcissa—recount the particulars of my last misfortune—acquire the good opinion of my mistress—an account of the young 'Squire—I am made acquainted with more particulars of Narcissa's situation—conceive a mortal hatred against Sir Timothy—I examine my lady's library and performances—her extravagant behaviour.
FRAUGHT with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place of her habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-woman, to the presence of my lady, who had not before seen me.—She sat in her study, with one foot on the ground, and the other upon a high stool at some distance from her seat; her sandy locks hung down in a disorder I cannot call beautiful from her head, which was deprived of its coif, for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while she held the stump of a pen in the other.—Her fore-head was high and wrinkled, her eyes large, grey and prominent; her nose long, sharp and aquiline; her mouth of vast capacity; her visage meagre and freckled, and her chin peeked like a shoemaker's paring-knife: Her upper-lip contained a large quantity of plain Spanish, which by continual falling, had embroidered her neck that was not naturally very white, and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose about her with a negligence truly poetic, discovering linen that was very fine and to all appearance, never
washed but in Castalian streams.
—Around her lay heaps of books, globes, quadrants, telescopes, and other learned apparatus: Her snuff-box stood at her right hand, at her left lay her handkerchief sufficiently used, and a convenience to spit in appeared on one side of her chair.—Being in a reverie when we entered, the maid did not think proper to disturb her; so that we waited some minutes unobserved, during which time, she bit the quill several times, altered her position, made many wry faces, and at length, with an air of triumph, repeated aloud;
"Nor dare th' immortal Gods my rage oppose!"
Having committed her success to paper, she turned toward the door, and perceiving us, cried,
"What's the matter?"—
"Here's the young man (replied my conductress) whom Mrs. Sagely recommended as a footman to your ladyship."
On this information, she stared in my face a considerable time, and then asked my name, which I thought proper to conceal under that of John Brown.—After having surveyed me with a curious eye, she broke out into
"O! ay, thou wa'st shipwrecked I remember.—Whether didst thou come on shore on the back of a whale or a dolphin?"
To this I answered, I had swam ashore without any assistance.—Then she demanded to know if I had ever been at the Hellespont, and swam from Sestos to Abydos. I replied in the negative: Upon which, she bid the maid order a suit of new livery for me, and instruct me in the articles of my duty; so saying, she spit in her snuffbox, and wiped her nose with her cap which lay on the table, instead of a handkerchief.—We returned to the kitchin, where I was regaled by the maids, who seemed to outvie with one another, in expressing their regard for me.—From them I understood, that my business consisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying the cloth, waiting at table, carrying messages, and attending my lady when she went abroad.—There being a very good suit of livery in the house, which had belonged to my predecessor deceased, I dressed myself in it, and found it fitted me exactly, so that there was no occasion for employing a taylor on my account.—I had not been long equipped in this manner, when my lady's bell rung; upon which I ran up stairs, and found her stalking about the room in her shift and under-petticoat only, I would have immediately retired, as became me, but she bid me come in, and air a clean shift for her; which having done with some backwardness, she put it on before me without any ceremony, and I verily believe was ignorant of my sex all the time, being quite absorpt in contemplation.—About four o'clock in the afternoon, I was ordered to lay the cloth, and place two covers, which I understood was for my mistress and her niece, whom I had not as yet seen.—Though I was not very dexterous at this operation, I performed it pretty well for a beginner, and when dinner was upon the table, saw my mistress approach accompanied with the young lady, whose name for the present shall be Narcissa.—So much sweetness appeared in the countenance and carriage of this amiable apparition, that my heart was captivated at first sight, and while dinner lasted I gazed upon her without intermission.—Her age seemed to be seventeen, her stature tall, her shape unexceptionable, her hair, that fell down upon her ivory neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the same colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence and hue of cherries; her complexion clear, delicate and healthy; her aspect noble, ingen'ous and humane; and the whole so ravishingly delightful, that it was impossible for any creature, endued with sensibility, to see without admiring, and admire without loving her to excess! How often did I curse the servile station, that placed me so infinitely beneath the regard of this idol of my adoration! and how often did I bless my fate, that enabled me to enjoy daily the sight of so much perfection! When she spoke, I listened with pleasure; but when she spoke to me, my soul was thrilled with an exstasy of tumultuous joy! I was even so happy as to be the subject of their conversation: For Narcissa having observed me, said to her aunt,
"I see your new footman is come."
Then addressing herself to me, asked, with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had been so cruelly used by robbers? When I satisfied her in this, she expressed a desire of knowing the particulars of my fortune both before and since my being ship wrecked: Hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely had counselled me) I told her, that I had been bound apprentice to the master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship had foundered at sea;—that I and four more, who chanced to be on deck when she went down, made shift to swim to the shore, where my companions, after having overpowered me, stript me to the shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I received in my own defence: Then I related the circumstances of my being found in a barn, with the inhuman treatment I met with from the country people and parson; which I perceived, drew tears from the charming creature's eyes! When I had finished my recital, my mistress said,
"
Ma foy! le garçon est bien fait!
"
To which opinion Narcissa assented, with a compliment to my understanding in the same language, that flattered my vanity extremely.
The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young 'Squire, whom my lady enquired after, under the title of the Savage; and was informed by her niece, that he was still in bed, repairing the fatigue of last night's debauch, and recruiting strength and spirits to undergo a foxchace to-morrow morning, in company with Sir Timothy Thicket, 'Squire Bumper, and a great many other gentlemen of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion; so that by daybreak, the whole house would be in an uproar.—This was a very disagreeable piece of news to the
virtuosi,
who protested she would stuff her ears with cotton when she went to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep the more sound, that she might not be disturbed and distracted by the clamour of the brutes.
When their dinner was over, I and my fellowservants sat down to ours in the kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a wealthy knight in the neighbourhood, between whom and Narcissa a match had been projected by her brother, who proposed at the same time to espouse Sir Timothy's sister; by which means, as their fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided for, and their brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies did not concur in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty contempt for the person allotted to her for a husband, by this agreement.—This information begat in me a mortal aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and cursed in my heart for his presumption.—Next morning by day-break, being awaked by the noise of the hunters and hounds, I got up to view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my competitor, whose accomplishments (the estate excluded) did not seem brilliant enough to give me much uneasiness with respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, was not to be won by such qualifications as he was master of, either as to person or mind.—My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed by her nephew's company, that she did not rise till five o'clock in the afternoon: So that I had an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to which I was strongly prompted by my curiosity.—Here I found a thousand scraps of her own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, twelve and twenty lines, on an infinity of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had begun, without constancy or capacity to bring to any degree of composition: But what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was not the least mention made of love in any of her performances.—I counted fragments of five tragedies, the titles of which were,
"The stern Philosopher.—The double Murder.—The sacrilegious Traitor.—The fall of Lucifer;—And the Last Day."
From whence I gathered, that her disposition was gloomy, and her imagination delighted with objects of horror.—Her library was composed of the best English historians, poets, and philosophers; of all the French criticks and poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and Ariosto, pretty much used.—Besides these, translations of the classicks into French, but not one book in Greek or Latin; a circumstance that discovered her ignorance of these languages.—After having taken a full view of this collection, I retired, and at the usual time was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by the maid that her mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected with the notes of the hounds in the morning, that she actually believed herself a hare beset with the hunters; and begged a few greens to munch for her breakfast.—When I testified my surprize at this unaccountable imagination, she let me know that her lady was very much subject to whims of this nature; sometimes fancying herself an animal, sometimes a piece of furniture, during which conceited transformations, it was very dangerous to come near her, especially when she represented a beast; for that lately, in the character of a cat, she had flown at her and scratched her face in a terrible manner;—that some months ago, she prophesied the general conflagration was at hand, and nothing would be able to quench it, but her water, which therefore she kept so long that her life was in danger; and she must needs have died of the retention, had they not found an expedient to make her evacuate by kindling a bonfire under her chamber window, and persuading her that the house was in flames; upon which, with great deliberation, she bid them bring all the tubs and vessels they could find, to be filled, for the preservation of the house, into one of which she immediately discharged the cause of her distemper.—I was also informed, that nothing contributed so much to the recovery of her reason, as musick, which was always administred on these occasions by Narcissa, who play'd perfectly well on the harpsicord, and to whom she (the maid) was just then going to intimate her aunt's disorder.—She was no sooner gone, than I was summoned by the bell to my lady's chamber, where I found her sitting squat on her hams, on the floor, in the manner of puss when she listens to the cries of her pursuers.—When I appeared, she started up with an alarmed look, and sprung to the other side of the room to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting after her life.—Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, and on the stair-case met the adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation of my mistress: She said not a word, but smiling with unspeakable grace, went into her aunt's apartment, and in a little time my ears were ravished with the effects of her skill.—She accompanied the instrument with a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not wonder at the surprizing change it produced on the spirits of my mistress, which were soon composed to peace and sober reflection.
About seven o'clock the hunters arrived, with the skins of two foxes and one badger, carried before them as trophies of their success; and when they were about to sit down to dinner (or supper) Sir Timothy Thicket desired that Narcissa would honour the table with her presence: But this, notwithstanding her brother's threats and intreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending her aunt, who was indisposed; so that I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing my rival mortified: But this disappointment made no great impression on him, who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the whole company became so enamoured, that after a most horrid uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, dancing, and fighting, they were all carried to bed in a state of utter oblivion.—My duty being altogether detached from the 'Squire and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking daily intoxicating draughts of love from the charms of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation, every day, more and more.—Inglorious as my station was, I became blind to my own unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amiable creature, whose affability greatly encouraged these presumptuous thoughts.
CHAP. XL.
She is surprized at my learning—communicates her performances to me—I impart some of mine to her—am mortified at her faint praise—Narcissa approves of my production—I gain an involuntary conquest over the cook-wench and dairymaid—their mutual resentment and insinuations—the jealousy of their lovers.
DURING this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which had lain dormant so long, awoke, and produced several small performances on the subject of my flame: But as it concerned me nearly to remain undiscovered in my real character and sentiments, I was under a necessity of mortifying my desire of praise, by confining my works to my own perusal and applause.—In the mean time I strove to insinuate myself into the good opinion of both ladies; and succeeded so well, by my diligence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little time, I was at least a favourite servant; and frequently enjoyed the pleasure of hearing myself mentioned in French and Italian, with some degree of warmth and surprize, by the dear object of all my wishes, as a person who had so much of the gentleman in my appearance and discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a common lacquey.—My prudence and modesty were not long proof against these bewitching compliments. One day, while I waited at dinner, the conversation turned upon a knotty passage of Tasso's Gierusalem, which, it seems, had puzzled them both: After a great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my mistress taking the book out of her pocket, turned up the place in question, and read the sentence over and over without success; at length, despairing of finding the author's meaning, she turned to me, saying,
"Come-hither, Bruno, let us see what fortune will do for us; I will interpret to thee what goes before and what follows this obscure paragraph, the particular words of which I will also explain, that thou may'st, by comparing one with another, guess the sense of that which perplexes us."—
I was too vain to let slip this opportunity of displaying my talents, therefore, without hesitation, read and explained the whole of that which had disconcerted them, to the utter astonishment of both.—Narcissa's face and lovely neck were overspread with blushes, from whence I drew a favourable omen, while her aunt, after having stared at me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed,
"In the name of heaven! Who art thou?"—
I told her I had picked up a smattering of Italian, during a voyage up the Straits.—At this she shook her head, and observed, that no smatterer could read as I had done.—She then desired to know if I understood French, to which I answering in the affirmative: She asked if I was acquainted with the Latin and Greek; I replied,
"A little."—
"Oho! (continued she) and with philosophy and mathematicks, I suppose?"—
I owned, I knew something of each.—Whereupon she repeated her stare and interrogation.— I began to repent my vanity, and in order to repair the fault I had committed, said, it was not to be wondered at if I had a tolerable education, because learning was so cheap in my country, that every peasant was a scholar; but I hoped her ladyship would think my understanding no exception to my character.—She was pleased to answer,
"No, no, God forbid."—
But during the rest of the time they sat at table, they behaved with remarkable reserve.
This alteration gave me much uneasiness; and I passed the night without sleep, in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men, which prompts them to commit so many foolish actions, contrary to their own sober judgment.—Next day, however, instead of profiting by this selfcondemnation, I yielded still more to the dictates of the principle I had endeavoured to chastize, and if fortune had not befriended me more than prudence could expect, I should have been treated with the contempt I deserved.—After breakfast, my lady, who was a true author, bid me follow her into the study, where she expressed herself thus:
"Since you are so learned, you cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to desire your opinion of a small performance in poetry, which I lately composed.—You must know, I have planned a tragedy, the subject of which shall be the murder of a prince before the altar, where he is busy at his devotions.—After the deed is perpetrated, the regicide will harrangue the people, with the bloody dagger in his hand; and I have already composed a speech, which I think will suit the character extremely.—Here it is."—
Then taking up a scrape of paper, she read with violent emphasis and gesture, as follows:
"Thus have I sent the simple king to hell,
"Without or coffin, shroud, or passing-bell:—
"To me, what are divine and human laws?
"I court no sanction but my own applause!
"Rapes, robb'ries, treasons yield my soul delight;
"And human carnage gratifies my sight:
"I drag the parent by the hoary hair,
"And toss the sprawling infant on my spear,
"While the fond mother's cries regale mine ear.
"I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes;
"Nor dare th'immortal gods my rage oppose."
Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this unnatural rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production that of itself deserved immortal fame; and beseeched her ladyship to bless the world with the fruits of those uncommon talents heaven had bestowed upon her.—She smiled with a look of self-complacency, and encouraged by the incense I had offered, communicated all her poetical works, which I applauded one by one, with as little candour as I had shewn at first.—Satiated with my flattery, which I hope my situation justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity of shining in my turn; and therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment and taste, observed, that doubtless I must have produced something in that way myself, which she desired to see.—This was a temptation I could by no means resist.—I owned that while I was at college, I wrote some small detached pieces, at the desire of a friend who was in love; and at her request, repeated the following verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired.
On Celia playing on the harpsicord and singing.
I.
When Sapho struck the quiv'ring wire,
The throbbing breast was all on fire:
And when she rais'd the vocal lay,
The captive soul was charm'd away!
II.
But had the nymph, possess'd with these
Thy softer, chaster pow'r to please;
Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth,
Thy native smiles of artless truth;
III.
The worm of grief, had never prey'd
On the forsaken, love-sick maid:
Nor had she mourn'd an happless flame,
Nor dash'd on rocks her tender frame.
My mistress paid me a cold compliment on the versification, which, she said, was elegant enough, but the subject beneath the pen of a true poet. I was extremely nettled at her indifference, and looked at Narcissas, who by this time had joined us, for her approbation, but she declined giving her opinion, protesting she was no judge of these matters: So that I was forced to retire, very much baulked in my expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine.—In the afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured me, that Narcissa had expressed her approbation of my performance with great warmth, and desired her to procure a copy of it, as for herself, that she (Narcissa) might have an opportunity to peruse it at leisure.—I was elated to an extravagant pitch at this intelligence, and immediately transcribed a fair copy of my Ode, which was carried to the dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as follows:
I.
Thy fatal shafts unerring move,
I bow before thine altar, love!
I feel thy soft, resistless flame
Glide swift through all my vital frame!
II.
For while I gaze my bosom glows,
My blood in tides impetuous flows,
Hope, fear and joy alternate roll,
And floods of transports 'whelm my soul!
III.
My fault'ring tongue attempts in vain
In soothing murmurs to complain,
My tongue some secret magick ties,
My murmurs sink in broken sighs!
IV.
Condemn'd to nurse eternal care,
And ever drop the silent tear,
Unheard I mourn, unknown I sigh,
Unfriended live, unpitied die!
Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not learn from her behaviour, which, though always benevolent to me, was henceforth more reserved and less chearful.—While my thoughts aspired to a sphere so far above me, I had unwittingly made a conquest of the cookwench and dairy-maid, who became so jealous of one another, that if their sentiments had been refined by education, it is probable one or other of them would have had recourse to poison or steel, to be revenged of her rival; but as their minds were happily adapted to their humble station, their mutual enmity was confined to scolding and fifty-cuffs, in which exercises they were both well skilled.—My good fortune did not long remain a secret; being disclosed by the frequent broils of these heroines, who kept no decorum in their encounters. The coachman and gardiner, who paid their devoirs to my admirers, each to his respective choice, alarmed at my success, laid their heads together, in order to concert a plan of revenge; and the former having been educated at the academy of Tottenham-court, undertook to challenge me to single combat; he accordingly, with many opprobrious invectives, bid me defiance, and offered to box with me for twenty guineas.—I told him, that although I believed myself a match for him, even at that work, I would not descend so far below the dignity of a gentleman, as to fight like a porter; but if he had any thing to say to me, I was his man at blunderbuss, musket, pistol, sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork or needle;—nay more, that if he gave his tongue any more saucy liberties at my expence, I would crop his ears without any ceremony.—This rhodomontade delivered with a stern countenance, and resolute tone, had the desired effect upon my antagonist, who, with some confusion, sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of his reception.—The story taking air among the servants, procured for me the title of Gentleman John, with which I was sometimes honoured, even by my mistress and Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair by the chamber-maid.—In the mean time, the rival queens expressed their passion by all the ways in their power: The cook entertained me with choice bits, the dairy-maid with stroakings; the first would often encourage me to declare myself, by complimenting me upon my courage and learning, and observing, that if she had a husband like me, to maintain order and keep accounts, she could make a great deal of money by setting up an eating-house at London, for gentlemen's servants on board-wages.—The other courted my affection, by shewing her own importance, and telling me, that many a substantial farmer in the neighbourhood would be glad to marry her; but she was resolved to please her eye, if she should plague her heart.—Then she would launch out into the praise of my proper person, and say, she was sure I would make a good husband, for I was very good-natured.—I began to be uneasy at the importunities of these inamoratas, whom at another time, perhaps, I might have pleased without the disagreeable sauce of matrimony; but at present, my whole soul was engrossed by Narcissa, and I could not bear the thoughts of doing any thing derogatory of the passion I entertained for her.
CHAP. XLI.
Narcissa being in danger from the brutality of Sir Timothy, is rescued by me, who revenge myself on my rival—I declare my passion, and retreat to the sea-side—I am surrounded by smugglers, and carried to Bulloign—I find my uncle lieutenant Bowling, in great distress, and relieve him—our conversation.
AT certain intervals, my ambition would revive; I would despise myself for my tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve an hundred schemes for assuming the character of a gentleman, to which I was intitled by birth and education.—In these fruitless suggestions, time stole away unperceived, and I had already remained eight months in the station of a footman, when an accident happened, that put an end to my servitude, and for the present banished all hopes of succeeding in my love.
Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her brother, within less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to walk home in the cool of the evening, accompanied by Sir Timothy, who having a good deal of the brute in him, was instigated to use some unbecoming familiarities with her, encouraged by the solitariness of a field through which they passed.—The lovely creature was incensed at his rude behaviour, for which she reproached him in such a manner, that he lost all regard for decency, and actually offered violence to this pattern of innocence and beauty.—But heaven would not suffer so much goodness to be violated; and sent me, who passing by accident near the place, was alarmed with her cries, to her succour.—What were the emotions of my soul, when I beheld Narcissa, almost sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr! I flew like lightening to her rescue, which he perceiving, quitted his prey, and drew his hanger to chastise my presumption.—My indignation was too high to admit one thought of fear, so that rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand, and used my cudgel so successfully, that he fell to the ground, and lay, to all appearance, without sense.—Then I turned to Narcissa, who had swooned, and sitting down by her, gently raised her head, and supported it on my bosom, while with my hand around her waist, I kept her in that position. My soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy, at feeling the object of my dearest wishes within my arms; and while she lay insensible, I could not refrain from applying my cheek to her's, and ravishing a kiss: In a little time, the blood began to revisit her face, she opened her enchanting eyes, and having recollected her late situation, said, with a look full of tender acknowledgment,
"Dear John, I am eternally obliged to you!"
So saying, she made an effort to rise, in which I assisted her, and she proceeded to the house, leaning upon me all the way. I was a thousand times tempted by this opportunity to declare my passion, but the dread of disobliging her, restrained my tongue. We had not got an hundred paces from the scene of her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy get up and move homeward; a circumstance, which, though it gave me some satisfaction, in as much as I thereby knew I had not killed him, filled me with just apprehension of his resentment, which I found myself in no condition to withstand: especially when I considered his intimacy with our 'Squire, to whom I knew he would easily justify himself for what he had done, by imputing it to his love, and desiring his brother Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister, without any fear of offence.—When we arrived at the house, Narcissa assured me, she would exert all her influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and likewise engage her aunt in my favour. At the same time, pulling out her purse, offered it as a small consideration for the service I had done her.—But I stood too much upon the punctilios of love to incur the least suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the present, saying, I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty.—She seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed: I felt the same suffusion, and with a down-cast eye and broken accent, told her, I had one request to make, which if her generosity would grant, I should think myself fully recompensed for an age of misery.—She changed colour at this preamble, and with great confusion, replied, she hoped my good sense would hinder me from asking any thing she was bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bid me signify my desire.—Upon which I kneeled, and begged to kiss her hand. She immediately, with an averted look, stretched it out; I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and bathing it with my tears, cried,
"Dear Madam, I am an unfortunate gentleman, who loves you to distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths, rather than make this declaration under such a servile appearance, were he not determined to yield to the rigour of his fate, to fly from your bewitching presence, and bury his presumptuous passion in eternal silence."
With these words I rose and went away, before she could recover her spirits so far as to make any reply.—My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sagely, with whom I had maintained a friendly correspondence ever since I left her house. When she understood my situation, the good woman, with real concern, condoled me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my resolution to leave the country, being perfectly well acquainted with the barbarous disposition of my rival,
"who by this time (said she) has no doubt mediated a scheme of revenge.—Indeed, I cannot see how you will be able to elude his vengeance: being himself in the commission, he will immediately grant warrants for apprehending you; and as almost all the people in this country are dependant on him or his friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter among them: If you should be apprehended, he will commit you to jail, where you may possibly languish in great misery till the next assizes, and then be transported for assaulting a magistrate."—
While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking at the door, which threw us both into great consternation, as in all probability, it was occasioned by my pursuers; whereupon this generous old lady, putting two guineas into my hand, with tears in her eyes, bid me, for God's sake, get out at the back door, and consult my safety as providence should direct me.—There was no time for deliberation.—I followed her advice, and escaped by the benefit of a dark night, to the sea-side, where while I ruminated on my next excursion, I was all of a sudden surrounded by armed men, who, having bound my hands and feet, bid me make no noise, on pain of being shot, and carried me on board of a vessel, which I soon perceived to be a smuggling cutter.—This discovery gave me some satisfaction at first, because I concluded myself safe from the resentment of Sir Timothy: But when I found myself in the hands of ruffians, who threatned to execute me for a spy, I would have thought myself happily quit for a year's imprisonment, or even transportation.—It was in vain for me to protest my innocence: I could not persuade them that I had taken a solitary walk to their haunt, at such an hour, merely for my own amusement; and I did not think it my interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, because I was afraid they would have made their peace with justice by surrendering me to the penalty of the law.—What confirmed their suspicion was, the appearance of a Customhouse yacht, which gave them chace, and had well-nigh made a prize of their vessel; when they were delivered from their fears by a thick fog, which effectually screened them, and favoured their arrival at Buloign.—But before they got out of sight of their pursuer, they held a council of war about me, whom some of the most serocious among them, would have thrown overboard, as a traitor who had betrayed them to their enemies; but others more considerate, alledged, that if they put me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they could expect no mercy from the legislature, which would never pardon outlawry aggravated by murder.—It was therefore determined by a plurality of votes, that I should be set on shore in France, and left to find my passage back to England, as I should think proper, which would be punishment sufficient for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself not capital.—Although this favourable determination gave me great pleasure, the apprehension of being robbed would not suffer me to be perfectly at ease: To prevent this calamity, as soon as I was untied, in consequence of the foresaid decision, I tore a small hole in one of my stockings, into which I dropped six guineas, reserving half a piece and some silver in my pocket, that finding something, they might not be tempted to make any further inquiry.—This was a very necessary precaution, for when we came within sight of the French shore, one of the smugglers told me, I must pay for my passage.—To this I replied, that my passage was none of my own seeking; therefore they could not expect a reward from me for transporting me into a strange country by force.—
"Damme! (said the outlaw) none of your palaver; but let me see what money you have got."—
So saying, he thrust his hand into my pocket without any ceremony, and emptied it of the contents: Then casting an eye at my hat and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took them off, and clapping his own on my head, declared, that a fair exchange was no robbery.—I was fain to put up with the bargain, which was by no means favourable to me; and a little while after we went all on shore together.
I resolved to take my leave of these desperadoes, without much ceremony, when one of them cautioned me against appearing to their prejudice if ever I returned to England, unless I had a mind to be murdered; for which service, he assured me, the gang never wanted agents.—I promised to observe his advice, and departed for the Upper Town, where I enquired for a cabaret or publick house, into which I went, with an intention of taking some refreshment.—In the kitchin, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast, with a large loaf, a sirkin of butter, and a cag of brandy on the table, the bung of which they often applied to their mouths with great perseverance and satisfaction.—At some distance from them, I perceived another person in the same garb, sitting in a pensive solitary manner, entertaining himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the stump of a pipe, as black as jet.—The appearance of distress never failed to attract my regard and compassion; I approached this forlorn tar, with a view to offer him my assistance, and notwithstanding the alteration of dress, and disguise of a long beard, I discovered in him my long lost and lamented uncle and benefactor, lieutenant Bowling! Good heaven! what were the agitations of my soul, between the joy of finding again such a valuable friend, and the sorrow of seeing him in such a low condition! The tears gushed down my cheeks, I stood motionless and silent for some time; at length, recovering the use of speech, exclaimed,
"Gracious God! Mr. Bowling!"—
My uncle no sooner heard his name mentioned, than he started up, crying with some surprize,
"Holloa!"
and after having looked at me stedfastly, without being able to recollect me, said,
"Did you call me, brother?"
I told him, I had something extraordinary to communicate, and desired him to give me a few minutes hearing in another room; but he would by no means consent to this proposal, saying,
"Avast there, friend; none of your tricks upon travellers;—if you have any thing to say to me, do it above-board;—you need not be afraid of being over-heard;—here are none who understand our lingo."—
Though I was loath to discover myself before company, I could no longer refrain from telling him, I was his own nephew Roderick Random. On this information, he considered me with great earnestness and astonishment, and recalling my features, which though enlarged were not entirely altered since he had seen me, came up and shook me by the hand very cordially, protesting he was glad to see me well. After some pause, he went on thus:
"And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see you under such colours; the more so, as it is not in my power, at present, to change them for the better, times being very hard with me."
With these words I could perceive a tear trickle down his surrowed cheeks, which affected me so much, that I wept bitterly.—Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my own misfortunes, he comforted me, by observing, that life was a voyage in which we must expect to meet with all weathers; sometimes it was calm, sometimes rough; that a fair gale often succeeded a storm; that the wind did not always sit one way, and that despair signified nothing; but resolution and skill were better than a stout vessel: For why? Because they require no carpenter, and grow stronger the more labour they undergo. I dried up my tears, which I assured him, were not shed for my own distress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany him into another room, where we could converse more at our ease.—There I recounted to him the ungenerous usage I had met with from Potion; at which he started up, stalked across the room three or four times, in a great hurry, and grasping his cudgel, cried,
"I would I were along-side of him—that's all—I would I were along-side of him!"—
I then gave him a detail of all my adventures and sufferings, which affected him more than I could have imagined; and concluded with telling him that captain Oakhum was still alive, and that he might return to England when he would, to sollicite his affairs, without danger or molestation.—He was wonderfully pleased at this piece of information, of which however, he said he could not at present avail himself, for want of money to pay for his passage to London. This objection I soon removed, by putting five guineas into his hand, and telling him, I thought myself extremely happy in having an opportunity of manifesting my gratitude to him in his necessity.—But it was with the utmost difficulty I could prevail upon him to accept of two, which he affirmed, were more than sufficient to defray the necessary expence.—After this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have a mess of something:
"For (said he) it has been banyan day with me a great while.—You must know I was shipwrecked five days ago, near a place called Lisieux, in company with those Dutchmen who are now drinking below; and having but little money when I came ashore, it was soon spent, because I let them have share and share while it lasted.—Howsomever, I should have remembred the old saying,
Every hog his own apple:
For when they found my hold unstowed, they went all hands to shooling and begging; and because I would not take a spell at the same duty, refused to give me the least assistance; so that I have not broke bread these two days."—
I was shocked at the extremity of his distress, and ordered some bread, cheese and wine to be brought immediately, to allay his hunger, until a fricassee of chickens could be prepared.—When he had recruited his spirits with this homely fare, I desired to know the particulars of his peregrination, since the accident at Cape Tiberoon; which were briefly these: The money he had about him being all spent at Port Louis, the civility and hospitality of the French cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board of one of their king's ships, as a common fore-mast-man, to prevent himself from starving on shore.—In this situation, he continued two years, during which time he had acquired some knowledge of their language, and the reputation of a good seaman: The ship he belonged to was ordered home to old France, where she was laid up as unfit for service, and he was received on board of one of monsieur D'Antin's squadron, in quality of quarter-master; which office he performed in a voyage to the West-Indies, where they engaged with our ship, as before related; but his conscience upbraiding him for serving the enemies of his country, he quitted the ship at the same place where he first listed, and got to Currasoa in a Dutch vessel; there he bargained with another skipper, bound to Europe, to work for his passage to Holland, from whence he was in hopes of hearing from his friends in England; but was cast away, as he mentioned before, on the French coast, and must have been reduced to the necessity of travelling on foot to Holland, and begging for his subsistence on the road, or of entering on board of another French man of war, at the hazard of being treated as a deserter, if Providence had not sent me to his succour.—
"And now, my lad, (continued he) I think I shall steer my course directly to London, where I do not doubt of being replaced, and of having the R taken off me by the lords of the admiralty, to whom I intend to write a petition setting forth my case: If I succeed, I will have wherewithal to give you some assistance, because when I left the ship I had two years pay due to me; therefore I desire to know whither you are bound; and beside, perhaps, I may have interest enough to procure a warrant appointing you surgeon's mate of the ship to which I shall belong.—For the beadle of the admiralty is my good friend; and he and one of the under-clerks are sworn brothers, and that under-clerk has a good deal to say with one of the upper-clerks, who is very well known to the under-secretary, who, upon his recommendation, I hope will recommend my affair to the first secretary; and he again, will speak to one of the Lords in my behalf: So that you see, I do not want friends to assist me on occasion.—As for the fellowr Crampley, tho's I know him not, I am sure he is neither sea-man nor officer; by what you have told me, or else he could never be so much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run the ship on shore on the coast of Sussex, before he believed himself in soundings; neither, when that accident happened, would he have left the ship until she had been stove to pieces, especially when the tide was making; wherefore, by this time, I do suppose he has been tried by a court-martial and executed for his cowardice and misconduct."—
I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle's ladder, by which he proposed to clime to the attention of the board of admiralty; and tho' I knew the world too well, to confide in such dependance myself, I would not discourage him with doubts; but asked if he had no friend in London, who would advance a small sum of money to enable him to appear as he ought, and make a small present to the under secretary, who might possibly dispatch his business the sooner on that account.—He scratched his head, and after some recollection, replied,
"Why, yes, I believe Daniel Whipcord the ship-chandler in Wapping would not refuse me such a small matter.—I know I can have what credit I would, for lodging, liquor and cloaths; but as to money, I won't be positive:—Had honest Block been living, I should not have been at a loss."—
I was heartily sorry to find a worthy man so destitute of friends, when he had such need of them; and looked upon my own situation as less miserable than his, because I was better acquainted with the selfishness and roguery of mankind; consequently less liable to disappointment and imposition.
CHAP. XLII.
He takes his passage in a Cutter for Deal—we are accosted by a priest, who proves to be a Scottishman—his professions of friendship—he is affronted by the lieutenant, who afterwards appeases him by submission—my uncle embarks—I am introduced by the priest to a capuchin, in whose company I set out for Paris—the character of my fellow-traveller—an adventure on the road—I am shocked at his behaviour.
WHEN our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, where we found a Cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed for his passage: In the mean time, we sauntered about the town, to satisfy our curiosity, our conversation turning on the subject of my designs, which were not as yet fixed: Neither can it be supposed, that my mind was at ease, when I found myself reduced almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom I had not one acquaintance to advise or befriend me.—My uncle was sensible of my forlorn condition, and pressed me to accompany him to England, where he did not doubt of finding some sort of provision for me: But besides the other reasons I had for avoiding that kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the worst country in the universe for a poor honest man to live in; and therefore determined to remain in France,
coute que coute.
—I was confirmed in this resolution, by a reverend priest, who passing by at this time, and overhearing us speak English, accosted us in the same language, telling us he was our countryman, and wishing it might be in his power to do us any service: We thanked this grave person for his courteous offer, and invited him to drink a glass with us, which he did not think proper to refuse, and we went all together into a tavern of his recommending. After having drank to our healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began to enquire into our situation, and asked particularly the place of our nativity, which we no sooner named, than he started up, and wringing our hands with great fervour, shed a flood of tears, crying,
"I come from the same part of the country! perhaps you are my own relations."—
I was on my guard against his caresses, which I suspected very much, when I remembred the adventure of the money-dropper; but without any appearance of diffidence, observed, that as he was born in that part of the country, he must certainly know our families, which (howsoever mean our present appearance might be) were none of the most obscure and inconsiderable.—Then I discovered our names, to which I found he was no stranger; he had known my grandfather personally; and notwithstanding an absence of fifty years from Scotland, recounted so many particulars of the families in the neighbourhood, that my scruples were entirely removed, and I thought myself happy in his acquaintance.—In the course of our conversation, I disclosed my condition without reserve, and displayed my talents to such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with admiration, and assured me, that if I stayed in France, and listened to reason, I could not fail of making my fortune, to which he would contribute all in his power.
My uncle began to be jealous of the priest's insinuation, and very abruptly declared, that if ever I should renounce my religion, he would break off all connexion and correspondence with me; for it was his opinion, that no honest man would swerve from the principles in which he was bred, whether Turkish, Protestant or Roman.—The father, affronted at this declaration, with great vehemence, began a long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and shutting one's eyes against the light: He said, that ignorance would be no plea towards justification, when we had opportunities of being better informed; and that, if the minds of people had not been open to conviction, the Christian religion would not have been propagated in the world; and we should now be in a state of Pagan darkness and barbarity: He endeavoured to prove, by some texts of scripture, and many quotations from the fathers, that the Pope was the successor of St. Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ; that the church of Rome was the true, holy, catholick church; and that the protestant faith was an impious heresy, and damnable schism, by which many milions of souls would suffer everlasting perdition.—When he had finished his sermon, which I thought, he pronounced with more zeal than discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, and desired to know his objections to what had been said. The lieutenant, whose attention had been wholly engrossed by his own affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth, and replied,
"As for me, friend, d'ye see, I have no objection to what you say, it may be either true or false, for what I know; I meddle with no body's affairs but my own; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to the helm, as the saying is.—I trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto every man as I would be done by; so that I defy the pope, the devil, and the pretender; and hope to be saved as well as another."—
This association of persons gave great offence to the friar, who protested, in a mighty passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been his countryman, he would have caused him to be imprisoned for his insolence.—I ventured to disapprove of my uncle's rashness, and appeased the old gentleman, by assuring him, there was no offence intended by my kinsman, who by this time, sensible of his error, shook the injured party by the hand, and asked pardon for the freedom he had taken.—Matters being amicably compromised, he invited us to come and see him in the afternoon at the convent to which he belonged, and took his leave for the present; when my uncle recommended it strongly to me to persevere in the religion of my forefathers, whatever advantages I might propose to my self by a change, which could not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonouring my family.—I assured him no consideration should induce me to forfeit his friendship and good opinion, on that score; at which he discovered great satisfaction, and put me in mind of dinner, which we immediately bespoke, and when it was ready eat together.
I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish Priest, if properly managed, might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to cultivate it as much as I could. With this view we visited him at his convent, according to his invitation, where he treated us with wine and sweet-meats, and shewed us every thing that was remarkable in the monastery.—Having been thus entertained, we took our leave, though not before I had promised to see him next day; and the time fixed for my uncle's embarking being come, I accompanied him to the harbour, and saw him on board.—We parted not without tears, after we had embraced and wished one another all manner of prosperity; and he intreated me to write to him often, directing to lieutenant Thomas Bowling, at the sign of the Union flag, near the Hermitage, London.
I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the night in a very solitary manner, reflecting on the severity of my fate, and endeavouring to project some likely scheme of life for the future; but my invention failed me, I saw nothing but unsurmountable difficulties in my way, and was ready to despair at the miserable prospect! That I might not, however, neglect any probable means, I got up in the morning, and went directly to the father, whose advice and assistance I implored.—He received me very kindly, and gave me to understand, that there was one way of life in which a person of my talents could not fail of making a great figure.—I guessed his meaning, and told him once for all, I was fully determined against any alteration in point of religion, therefore if his proposal regarded the church, he might save himself the trouble of explaining it. He shook his head and sighed, saying,
"Ah! son, son, what a glorious prospect is here spoiled, by your stubborn prejudice! Suffer yourself to be persuaded by reason, and consult your temporal welfare, as well as the concerns of your eternal soul.—I can, by my interest, procure your admission as a noviciate into this convent, where I will superintend and direct you with a truly paternal affection."—
Then he launched out into the praises of a monastic life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and no danger invades—where the heart is weaned from carnal attachments, the grosser appetites subdued and chastised, and the soul wafted to the divine regions of philosophy and truth, on the wings of studious contemplation.—But his eloquence was lost upon me, whom two considerations enabled to withstand his temptations; namely, my promise to my uncle, and my aversion to an ecclesiastical life; for as to the difference of religion, I looked upon it as a thing of too small moment to come in competition with a man's fortune.—Finding me immoveable on this head, he told me, he was more sorry than offended at my noncompliance, and still ready to employ his good offices in my behalf.—
"The same erroneous maxims (said he) that obstruct your promotion in the church, will infallibly prevent your advancement in the army; but if you can brook the condition of a servant, I am acquainted with some people of rank at Versailles, to whom I can give you letters of recommendation, that you may be entertained by some one of them, in quality of
maitre d' hotel;
and I do not doubt that your qualifications will soon entitle you to a better provision."—
I embraced his offer with great eagerness; and he appointed me to come back in the afternnoon, when he would not only give me the letters, but likewise introduce me to a capuchin of his acquaintance, who intended to set out for Paris next morning, in whose company I might travel, without being at the expence of one livre during the whole journey. This piece of good news gave me infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my obligation to the benevolent father, in the most grateful expressions; and he performed his promise to a tittle, in delivering the letters, and making me acquainted with the capuchin, with whom I departed next morning by break of day.
It was not long before I discovered my fellowtraveller to be a merry facetious fellow, who, notwithstanding his profession and appearance of mortification, loved good eating and drinking better than his rosary, and paid more adoration to a pretty girl than to the Virgin Mary, or St. Genevive.—He was a thick brawny young man, with red eye-brows, a hook nose, a face covered with freckles; and his name was Frere Balthazar. His order did not permit him to wear linnen, so that having little occasion to undress himself, he was none of the cleanliest animals in the world; and his constitution was naturally so strong scented, that I always thought it convenient to keep to the windward of him in our march.—As he was perfectly well known on the road, we fared sumptuously without any cost, and the fatigue of our journey was much alleviated by the good humour of my companion, who sung an infinite number of catches on the subjects of love and wine.—We took up our lodging the first night at a peasant's house, not far from Abbe Ville, where we were entertained with an excellent ragout, cooked by our landlord's daughters, one of whom was very handsome: After having eat heartily, and drank a sufficient quantity of
vin du Pais,
we were conducted to a barn, where we found a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw for our reception.—We had not lain in this situation above half an hour, when we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon which Balthazar got up, and let in our host's two daughters, who wanted to have some private conversation with him in the dark; when they had whispered together some time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if I was insensible to love, or so hard-hearted as to refuse a share of my bed to a pretty maid, who had a
tendresse
for me.—I must own, to my shame, that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, and with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I understood that the amiable Nanette was to be my bedfellow.—In vain did my reason suggest the respect I owed to my dear mistress Narcissa; the idea of that lovely charmer, rather increased than allayed the ferment of my spirits; and the young Paisanne had no reason to complain of my remembrance.—Early in the morning, the kind creatures left us to our repose, which lasted till eight o'clock, when we got up, and were treated at breakfast with chocolate and
l'eau de vie,
by our paramours, of whom we took a tender leave, after my companion had confessed and given them absolution.—While we proceeded on our journey, the conversation turned upon the night's adventure, being introduced by the capuchin, who asked me how I liked my lodging: I declared my satisfaction, and talked in raptures of the agreeable Nanette; at which he shook his head, and smiling said, she was a
morçeau pour la bonne bouche.
"I never valued myself (continued he) upon any thing so much as the conquest of Nanette; and, vanity apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my amours."—
This information shocked me not a little, as I was well convinced of his intimacy with her sister; and though I did not care to tax him with downright incest, I professed my astonishment at his last night's choice, when, I supposed, the other was at his devotion.—To this he answered, that besides his natural complaisance to the sex, he had another reason to distribute his favours equally between them; namely, to preserve peace in the family, which could not otherwise be maintained;—that moreover Nanette had conceived an affection for me, and he loved her too well to baulk her inclination; more especially, when he had an opportunity of obliging his friend at the same time.—I thanked him for this instance of his friendship, though I was extremely disgusted at his want of delicacy, and cursed the occasion that threw me in his way.—Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave so wide of the character he assumed: I looked upon him as person of very little worth or honesty, and should have even kept a wary eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could have any temptation to steal.—But I could not conceive the use of money to a capuchin, who is obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar, and enjoys all other necessaries of life
gratis;
besides, my fellow-traveller seemed to be of a complexion too careless and sanguine, to give me any apprehension on that score; so that I proceeded with great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my journey's end.
CHAP. XLIII.
We lodge at a house near Amiens, where I am robbed by the capuchin, who escapes while I am asleep—I go to Noyons in search of him, but without success—I make my condition known to several people, but find no relief—I grow desperate—join a company of soldiers—inlist in the regiment of Picardy—we are ordered into Germany—I find the fatigues of the march almost intolerable—quarrel with my comrade in a dispute upon politicks—he challenges me to the field, wounds and disarms me.
THE third night of our pilgrimage, we passed at a house near Amiens, where Balthazar being unknown, we supped upon indifferent fare, and sower wine, and were fain to lie in a garret upon an old mattrass, which, I believe, had been in the possession of ten thousand myriads of fleas, time out of mind.—We did not invade their territory with impunity; in less than a minute we were attacked with stings innumerable, in spite of which, however, I fell fast asleep, being excessively fatigued with our day's march, and did not wake till nine next morning, when, seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible fright, and examining my pockets, found my presaging fear too true! My companion had made free with my cash, and left me to seek my way to Paris by myself! I run down stairs immediately; and with a look full of grief and amazement, enquired for the mendicant, who, they gave me to understand, had set out four hours before, after having told them, I was a little indisposed, and desired I might not be disturbed, but be informed when I should wake he had taken the road to Noyons, where he would wait for my coming, at the Coq D'Or.—I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart, directed my course to that place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, fainting with weariness and hunger; but learned, to my utter confusion, that no such person had been there!—It was happy for me that I had a good deal of resentment in my constitution, which animated me on such occasions, against the villainy of mankind, and enabled me to bear misfortunes otherwise intolerable.—Boiling with indignation, I discovered to the host my deplorable condition, and inveighed with great bitterness against the treachery of Balthazar; at which he shrugged up his shoulders, and with a peculiar grimace on his countenance, said, he was sorry for my misfortune; but there was no remedy like patience.—At that instant some guests arrived, to whom he hastened to offer his service, leaving me mortified at his indifference, and fully persuaded that an inn-keeper is the same sordid animal all over the world.—While I stood in the porch, forlorn and undetermined, venting ejaculations of curses against the thief who had robbed me, and the old priest who recommended him to my friendship; a young gentleman richly dressed, attended by a
valet de chambre
and two servants in livery, arrived at the inn. I thought I perceived a good deal of sweetness and good nature in his countenance; therefore, he had no sooner alighted than I accosted him, and in a few words explained my situation: He listened with great politeness, and when I had made an end of my story, said,
"Well, monsieur, what would you have me do?"
I was effectually abashed at this interrogation, which I believed no man of common sense or generosity could make, and made no other reply than a low bow: He returned the compliment still lower, and tript into an apartment, while the landlord let me know, that my standing there to interrupt company gave offence, and might do him infinite prejudice.—He had no occasion to repeat his insinuation; I moved from the place immediately; and was so much transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of blood gushed from my nostrils.—In this extasy, I quitted Noyons, and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered about like one distracted, till my spirits were quite exhausted, and I was obliged to throw myself down at the root of a tree, to rest my wearied limbs.—Here my rage forsook me, I began to feel the importunate cravings of nature, and relapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy reflection. I revolved all the crimes I had been guilty of, and found them so few and venial, that I could not comprehend the justice of that providence, which after having exposed me to so much wretchedness and danger, left me a prey to famine at last in a foreign country, where I had not one friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and do the last offices of humanity to my miserable carcase.—A thousand times I wished myself a bear, that I might retreat to woods and desarts, far from the inhospitable haunts of man, where I could live by my own talents independant of treacherous friends, and supercilious scorn.
As I lay in this manner, groaning over my hapless fate, I heard the sound of a violin, and raising my head, perceived a company of men and women dancing on the grass at some distance from me.—I looked upon this to be a favourable season for distress to attract compassion, when every selfish thought is banished, and the heart dilated with mirth and social joy; wherefore I got up and approached those happy people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of soldiers, with their wives and children, unbending and diverting themselves at this rate, after the fatigue of a march.—I had never before seen such a parcel of scare-crows together, neither could I reconcile their meagre gaunt looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and every other external symptom of extreme woe, with this appearance of festivity.—I saluted them however, and was received with great politesse; after which they formed a ring and danced around me.—This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my spirits! I was infected with their gayety, and in spite of my dismal situation forgot my cares, and joined in their extravagance.—When we had recreated ourselves a good while at this diversion, the ladies spread their manteaus on the ground, upon which they emptied their knapsacks of some onions, coarse bread, and and few flasks of poor wine: Being invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and in the whole course of my life never made a more comfortable meal.—When our repast was ended, we got up again to dance; and now that I found myself refreshed, I behaved to the admiration of every body: I was loaded with a thousand compliments, and professions of friendship; the men commended my person and agility, and the women were loud in the praise of my
bonne grace;
—the serjeant in particular, expressed so much regard for me, and described the agreemens of a soldier's life, with so much art, that I began to listen to his proposal of enlisting me in the service; and the more I considered my own condition, the more I was convinced of the necessity I was under to come to a speedy determination.—Having therefore maturely weighed the circumstances
pro
and
con,
I signified my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy, said to be the oldest corps in Europe.—The company to which this command belonged, was quartered at a village not far off, whither we marched next day, and I was presented to my captain, who seemed very well pleased with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and ordered me to be accommodated with cloaths, arms and accoutrements.—Whereupon I sold my livery suit, purchased linnen, and as I was at great pains to learn the exercise, in a very short time became a compleat soldier.
It was not long before we received orders to join several more regiments, and march with all expedition into Germany, in order to reinforce Marechal Duc de Noailles, who was then encamped with his army on the side of the river Main, to watch the motions of the English, Austrians, and Hessians, under the command of the earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and then I became acquainted with that part of a soldier's life to which I had been a stranger hitherto:—It is impossible to describe the hunger and thirst I sustained, and the satigue I underwent in a march of so many hundred miles; during which, I was so much chased with the heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short time the inside of my thighs and legs were deprived of skin, and I proceeded in the utmost torture.—This misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my constitution, which I cursed, and envied the withered condition of my comrades, whose bodies could not spare juice enough to supply a common issue, and were indeed proof against all manner of friction. The continual pain I felt made me fretful, and my peevishness was increased by the mortification of my pride in seeing these miserable wretches, whom a hard gale of wind would have scattered through the air like chaff, bear those toils with alacrity, under which I was ready to sink.
One day while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives had gone out to dance, according to custom, my comrade staid at home with me on pretence of friendship, and insulted me with his pity and consolation! He told me, though I was young and tender at present, I would soon be seasoned to the service; and he did not doubt but I should have the honour to contribute in some measure to the glory of the king.—
"Have courage, therefore, my child (said he) and pray to the good God, that you may be as happy as I am, who have had the honour of serving Lewis the Great, and of receiving many wounds in helping to establish his glory."—
When I looked upon the contemptible object that pronounced these words, I was amazed at the infatuation that possessed him; and could not help expressing my astonishment at the absurdity of a rational being, who thinks himself highly honoured in being permitted to encounter abject poverty, oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident death, merely to gratify the vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his sufferings were disregarded, and his name utterly unknown.—I observed, that if his situation was the consequence of compulsion, as having been pressed into the service, I would praise his patience and fortitude in bearing his lot;—if he had taken up arms in defence of his injured country, he was to be applauded for his patriotism;—or if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge from a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own conscience, (though I could have no notion of misery more extreme than that he suffered;) but to put his condition on the footing of conducing to the glory of his prince, was no more than professing himself a desperate slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril, and committed the most flagrant crimes, to sooth the barbarous pride of a fellowcreature, his superior in nothing but the power he derived from the submission of such wretches as he. The soldier was very much affronted at the liberty I took with his king, which, he said, nothing but my ignorance could excuse: He affirmed, that the characters of princes were sacred, and ought not to be profaned by the censure of their subjects, who were bound by their allegiance to obey their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or repining—And advised me to correct the rebellious principles I had imbibed among the English, who, for their insolence to their kings, were notorious all over the world, even to a proverb:
Le roy d' Angleterre,
Est le roy de l' Enfer.
In vindication of my countrymen, I adduced all the arguments commonly used to prove that every man has a natural right to liberty; that allegiance and protection are reciprocal; that when the mutual tie is broken by the tyranny of the king, he is accountable to the people for his breach of contract, and subject to the penalty of the law; and that those insurrections of the English, which are branded with the name of rebellion, by the slaves of arbitrary power, were no other than glorious efforts to rescue that independance which was their birthright, from the ravenous claws of usurping ambition.—The Frenchman, provoked at the little deference I paid to the kingly name, lost all patience, and reproached me in such a manner, that my temper forsook me, and I clenched my fist, with an intention to give him a hearty box on the ear.—Perceiving my design, he started back, and demanded a parley; upon which I checked my indignation, and he gave me to understand that a Frenchman never forgave a blow; therefore if I was not weary of my life, I would do well to spare him that mortification, and do him the honour of measuring his sword with mine, like a gentleman.—I took his advice and followed him to a field hard by, where indeed I was ashamed at the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor, little, shivering creature decrepid with age, and blind of one eye.—But I soon found the folly of judging from appearances; being at the second pass wounded in the sword hand, and immediately disarmed with such a jerk, that I thought the joint was dislocated.—I was no less confounded than enraged at this event, especially as my adversary did not bear his success with all the moderation that might have been expected; for he insisted upon my asking pardon for my presumption in affronting his king and him.—This I would by no means comply with, but told him, it was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in his circumstances ought to propose, nor none in my situation perform;—and that if he persisted in his ungenerous demand, I would in my turn claim satisfaction with my musket, at which weapon we should be more upon a par, than with the sword, of which he seemed so much master.
CHAP. XLIV.
The gascon does not use his victory with all the moderation that might have been expected—In order to be revenged I learn the science of defence.—we join Marechal Duc de Noailles—are engaged with the allies at Dettingen, and put to flight—the behaviour of the French soldiers on that occasion—I industriously seek another combat with the old gascon, and vanquish him in my turn—our regiment is put into winter quarters at Rheims, where I find my friend Strap—our recognition—he supplies me with money, and procures my discharge—we take a trip to Paris; from whence we set out for London by the way of Flanders, where we safely arrive.
HE was disconcerted at this declaration, to which he made no reply, but repaired to the dancers, among whom he recounted his victory with many exaggerations and gasconades; while I, taking up my sword, went to my quarters and examined my wound, which I sound was of no consequence.—The same day, an Irish drummer, having heard my misfortune, visited me, and after having condoled me on the chance of war, gave me to understand, that he was master of his sword, and would in a very short time instruct me so thoroughly in that noble science, that I should be able to chastise the old gascon for his insolent boasting at my expence.—This friendly office he proffered on pretence of the regard he had for his countrymen; but I afterwards learned the true motive was no other than a jealousy be entertained of a correspondence between the Frenchman and his wife, which he did not think proper to resent in person.—Be this as it will, I accepted his offer, and practised his lessons with such application, that I soon believed myself a match for my conqueror.—In the mean time we continued our march, and arrived at the camp of Mareschal Noailles, the night before the battle of Dettingen. Notwithstanding the fatigue we had undergone, our regiment was one of those that were ordered next day to cross the river, under the command of the Duc de Gramont, to take possession of a narrow defile, through which the allies must of necessity have passed at a great disadvantage, or remain where they were, and perish for want of provision, if they would not condescend to surrender at discretion.—How they suffered themselves to be pent up in this manner, it is not my province to relate; I shall only observe, that when we had taken possession of our ground, I heard an old officer in conversation with another, prosess a surprise at the conduct of Lord Stair, who had the reputation of a good general.—But it seems, at this time, that nobleman was over-ruled, and only acted in an inferior character; so that no part of the blame could be imputed to him, who declared his disapprobation of the step, in consequence of which the whole army was in the utmost danger; but providence or destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by disposing the Duc de Gramont to quit his advantageous post, pass the defile, and attack the English, who were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, and who handled us so roughly, that after having lost a great number of men, we turned our backs without ceremony, and fled with such precipitation, that many hundreds perished in the river, through pure fear and confusion; for the enemy was so generous, that they did not pursue us one inch of ground; and if our consternation would have permitted, we might have retreated with great order and deliberation.—But not withstanding the royal clemency of the king of Great Britain, who headed the allies in person, and no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to 5000 men, among whom were many officers of distinction.—Our miscarriage opened a passage for the foe to Hanau, whither they immediately marched, leaving their sick and wounded to the care of the French, who next day took possession of the field of battle, buried the dead, and treated the living with humanity.—This was a great consolation to us, who thence took occasion to claim the victory; and the genius of the French nation never appeared more conspicuous than now, in the rhodomontades they uttered on the subject of their generosity and courage: Every man, (by his own account) performed feats that would have shamed all the heroes of antiquity.—One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure from his cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and gall him with their darts.—Another likened himself to a bear that retreats with his face to the enemy, who dare not assail him; and a third assumed the character of a desperate stag, that turns upon the hounds and keeps them at bay.—There was not a private soldier engaged, who had not by the prowess of his single arm, demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of horse to flight; and among others, the meagte gascon extoled his exploits above those of Hercules or Charlemagne.—As I still retained my resentment for the disgrace I suffered in my last recontre with him, and now that I thought myself qualified, longed for an opportunity to retrieve my honour; I magnified the valour of the English with all the hyperboles I could imagine, and decried the pusilanimity of the French in the same stile, comparing them to hares flying before grey-hounds, or mice pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he exerted in his flight, which, considering his age and infirmities, I said was surprising.—He was stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and with an air of threatning disdain, bid me know myself better, and remember the correction I had already received from him for my insolence; for he might not be always in the humour of sparing a wretch who abused his goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply but by a kick on the breech, which overturned him in an instant.—He started up with wonderful agility, and drawing his sword, attacked me with great fury: Several people interposed, but when he informed them of its being an affair of honour, they retired and left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I sustained his onset with little damage, having only received a small scratch on my right shoulder, and seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him in my turn, closed with him, and wrested his sword out of his hand in the struggle.—Having thus acquired the victory, I desired him to beg his life; to which he made no answer, but shrugged up his shoulders to his ears, expanded his hands, elevated the skin of his forehead and eye-brows, and depressed the corners of his mouth, in such a manner, that I could scarce refrain from laughing aloud at his grotesque appearance.—That I might, however, mortify his vanity, which had triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to the hilt in something (it was not a tansy) that lay smoaking on the plain, and joined the rest of the soldiers with an air of tranquility and indifference.
There was nothing more of moment attempted by either of the armies during the remaining part of the campaign, which being ended, the English marched back to the Netherlands; part of our army was detached to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered to winter-quarters in Champagne.—It was the fate of the grenadier company, to which I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found myself in the utmost want of every thing: My pay, which amounted to five sols a day, so far from supplying me with necessaries, being scarce sufficient to procure a wretched subsistance, to keep soul and body together; so that I was by hunger and hard duty, brought down to the meagre condition of my fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced from three tolerable shirts, to two pair of sleeves and necks, the bodies having been long ago converted into spatterdashes; and after all, I was better provided than any private man in the regiment.—In this urgency of my affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England, though my hopes from that quarter were not at all sanguine, for the reasons I have already explained, and in the mean time had recourse to my old remedy patience, consoling myself with the flattering suggestions of a lively imagination that never abandoned me in my distress.
One day, while I stood centinel at the gate of a general officer, a certain nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in mourning, to whom, at parting, I heard him say,
"You may depend upon my good offices."—
This assurance was answered by a low bow of the person in black, who turning to go away, discovered to me the individual countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap.—I was so much astonished at the sight, that I lost the power of utterance, and before I could recollect myself, he was gone, without taking any notice of me.—Indeed, had he staid, I scarce would have ventured to accost him; because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with the features of his face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of his person, which was very much altered for the better, since he lest me at London; neither could I conjecture by what means he was enabled to appear in the sphere of a gentleman, to which, while I knew him, he had not even the ambition to aspire.—But I was too much concerned in the affair to neglect further information, and therefore took the first opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom the Marquis spoke. The Swiss told me, his name was Monsieur d'Estrapes, that he had been
valet de chambre
to an English gentleman lately deceased, and that he was very much regarded by the Marquis for his fidelity to his master, between whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship had subsisted.—Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this piece of intelligence, which banished all doubt of its being my friend, who had found means to frenchify his name as well as his behaviour, since we parted. As soon therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging, according to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good fortune to find him at home. That I might surprize him the more, I concealed my name and business, and only desired the servant of the house, to tell Monsieur d'Estrapes, that I begged the honour of half an hour's conversation with him.—He was confounded and dismayed at this message, when he understood it was sent by a soldier, though he was conscious to himself of no crime; all that he had heard of the Bastile appeared to his imagination with aggravated horror, and it was not before I had waited a considerable time, that he had resolution enough to bid the servant shew me up stairs.—When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great civility, and endeavoured with forced complaisance, to disguise his fear, which appeared in the paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks, and the shaking of his limbs.—I was diverted at his consternation, which redoubled, when I told him (in French) I had business for his private ear, and demanded a particular audience.—The valet being withdrawn, I asked in the same language, if his name was d'Estrapes, to which he answered, with a faultering tongue,
"The same, at your service."—
"Are you a Frenchman? (said I.)"—
"I have not the honour to be a Frenchman born (replied he) but I have an infinite veneration for the country."—
I then desired he would do me the honour to look at me, which he no sooner did, than struck with my appearance, he started back and cried in English,
"O Jesus!—sure it can't!—No, 'tis impossible!"—
I smiled at his interjections, saying,
"I suppose you are too much of a gentleman to own your friend in adversity."—
When he heard me pronounce these words in our own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of joy, hung about my neck, kissed me from ear to ear, and blubbered like a great school-boy who has been whipt.—Then observing my dress, he set up his throat, crying,
"O L—d! O L—d! that ever I should live to see my dearest friend reduced to the condition of a foot soldier in the French service! Why did you consent to my leaving you?—But I know the reason—you thought you had got more creditable friends, and grew ashamed of my acquaintance.—Ah! Lord help us! though I was a little short-sighted, I was not altogether blind;—And though I did not complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness, which was indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord knows whither; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble to me, and so I forgive you, and may God forgive you:—O L—d! O L—d! is it come to this?"—
I was nettled at the charge, which, though just, I could not help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some tartness, that whether his suspicions were well or ill-grounded, he might have chosen a more convenient opportunity of introducing them: And that the question now was, whether or no he found himself disposed to lend me any assistance.—
"Disposed! (replied he with great emotion) I thought you had known me so well, as to assure yourself, without asking, that I, and all that belongs to me, are at your command.—In the mean time, you shall dine with me, and I will tell you something that, perhaps, will not be displeasing unto you."—
Then wringing my hand, he said,
"It makes my heart bleed to see you in that garb!"—
I thanked him for his invitation, which, I observed, could not be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten a comfortable meal these seven months; but I had another request to make, which I begged he would grant before dinner, and that was the loan of a shirt: For although my back had been many weeks a stranger to any comfort of this kind, my skin was not yet quite familiarized to the want of it.—He stared in my face, with a woful countenance, at this declaration, which he would scarce believe, until I explained it, by unbuttoning my coat, and disclosing my naked body; a circumstance that shocked the tender-hearted Strap, who, with tears in his eyes, run to a chest of drawers, and taking out some linen, presented to me a very fine ruffled holland shirt, and cambrick neckcloth, assuring me, he had three dozen of the same kind at my service.—I was ravished at this piece of good news, and having accommodated myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer, saying, I was overjoyed to find him undebauched by prosperity, which seldom fails of corrupting the heart. He bespoke for dinner, some soup and boillé, a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish of sparrowgrass, and in the interim entertained me with biscuit and Burgundy; after which he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of knowing every circumstance of my fortune since his departure from London.—This I complyed with, beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and relating every particular event in which I had been concerned from that day to the present hour. During the recital, my friend was strongly affected, according to the various situations described: He started with surprize, glowed with indignation, gaped with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, trembled with fear, and wept with sorrow, as the vicissitudes of my life inspired these different passions; and when my story was ended, signified his amazement on the whole, by lifting up his eyes and hands, and protesting, that tho' I was a young man, I had suffered more than all the blessed martyrs.
After dinner, I desired, in my turn, to know the particulars of his peregrination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to understand that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who, in that time, having acquired the language, as well as the fashionable exercises, to perfection, made a tour of France and Holland, during which excursion, he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of his own countrymen on their travels, in whose company he committed such excesses, that his constitution failed, and he fell into a consumption; that by the advice of physicians he went to Montpelier for the benefit of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that he returned to Rheims, seemingly in good health, where he had not continued above a month, when he was seized with a looseness, that carried him off in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all who knew him, and especially of Strap, who had been very happy in his service, and given such satisfaction, that his master on his death-bed, recommended him to several persons of distinction, for his diligence, sobriety, and affection, and left him by will, his wearing apparel, gold watch, sword, rings, ready money, and all the moveables he had in France, to the value of three hundred pounds,
"which I now (said he) in the sight of God and man, surrender to your absolute disposal: Here are my keys, take them, I beseech you, and God give you joy of the possession."—
My brain was almost turned with this sudden change of fortune, which I could scarce believe real; however, I positively refused this extravagant proffer of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier; at which he started, crying,
"Odso! that's true—we must procure your discharge—I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do me that favour."—
We consulted about this affair, and it was determined, that Monsieur d'Estrapes, should wait upon the Marquis in the morning, and tell him he had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for many years before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardle, and implore that nobleman's interest for his discharge.—In the mean time, we enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and spent the evening in concerting schemes for our future conduct, in case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army.—The business was to make ourselves easy for life, by means of his legacy, a task very difficult, and, in the usual methods of laying out money, altogether impracticable; so that after much canvasing, we could come to no resolution that night, but when we parted, recommended the matter to the serious attention of each other. As for my own part, I puzzled my imagination to no purpose; when I thought of turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk of seas, enemies and markets, deterred me from that scheme.—If I should settle as a surgeon in my own country, I would find the business already overstocked; or if I pretended to set up in England, must labour under want of friends and powerful opposition, obstacles unsurmountable by the most shining merit; neither would I succeed in my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my pen in defence of a wicked and contemptible administration.—Before I could form one feasible project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blessed with the image of my dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon my passion, and offer her hand as a reward for all my toils.
Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found exulting over his happy invention; for I no sooner entered his apartment, than he addressed me in these words, with a smile of self-applause:
"Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come into a fool's head sometimes.—I have hit it—I'll hold you a button my plan is better than yours, for all your learning.—But you shall have the preference in this as in all other things; therefore proceed, and let us know the effects of your meditation,—and then I will impart my own simple excogitations."—
I told him, that not one thought occurred to me which deserved the least notice, and signified my impatience to be acquainted with the fruits of his reflection.—
"As we have not (said he) money sufficient to maintain us during a tedious expectation, it is my opinion, that a bold push must be made; and I see none so likely to succeed as your appearing in the character of a gentleman (which is your due) and making your addresses to some lady of fortune who can render you independant at once.—Nay, don't stare—I affirm that this scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw yourself away upon an old, toothless, wheezing dame, whose breath would stink you into a consumption in less than three months; neither would I advise you to assume the character of a wealthy 'Squire, as your common fortune-hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is cheated into matrimony, and instead of enjoying the pomp and grandeur that was promised, sees her dowry seized by her husband's rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and despair.—No, I know you have a soul that disdains such imposition; and are master of qualifications both of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a match, that will set you above the world.—I have cloaths in my possession, that a Duke need not be ashamed to wear.—I believe they will fit you as they are—if not, there are plenty of taylors in France.—Let us take a short trip to Paris, and provide ourselves in all other necessaries, then set out for England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in quality of valet.—This will save you the expence of a servant, shaving and dressing; and I doubt not but by the blessing of God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue."—
Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure, because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began to entertain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.
After breakfast, Monsieur d'Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the Marquis, and was so successful in his application, that I obtained a discharge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris.—Here I had time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this sudden transition of fate, which to bear with moderation, required some degree of philosophy and self-denial.—This will be more obvious, if I give a detail of the particulars, to the quiet possession of which I was raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and contempt.—My wardrobe consisted of five fashionable coats full-mounted, two of which were plain, one of cut velvet, one trimed with gold, and another with silver-lace; two frocks, one of white drab with large plate buttons, the other of blue, with gold binding; one waistcoat of gold brocard; one of blue sattin, embroidered with silver; one of green silk, trimmed with broad figured gold lace; one of black silk, with figures; one of white sattin; one of black cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth breeches; one pair of crimson, and another of black velvet; twelve pair of white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same number of fine cotton; one hat, laced with gold
point d' Espagne,
another with silver-lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth plain; three dozen of fine ruffled shirts, as many neckcloths; one dozen of cambrick handkerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other moveables which I possessed by the generosity and friendship of Strap, were, a gold watch with a chased case, two valuable diamond rings, two mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth cut steel inlaid with gold; a diamond stock-buckle, and a set of stone buckles for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver mounted pistols with rich housings; a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoise-shell mounted with gold, having the picture of a lady in the lid.—The gentleman left many other things of value, which my friend had converted into cash before I met with him, so that over and above these particulars, our stock in ready money amounted to something more than two hundred pounds.
Thus equipt, I put on the gentleman of figure, and attended by my honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet. I visited the Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxemburgh, and appeared at Versailles, where I had the honour of seeing his Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable quantity of olives.—During the month I spent at Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian opera, and play-house, danced at a masquerade, and in short saw every thing remarkable in and about that capital.—After which we set out for England by the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend, from whence in fourteen hours we arrived at Deal, hired a post-chaise, and in twelve hours more got safe to London; having disposed of our heavy baggage in the waggon.
CHAP. XLV.
I enquire about my uncle, and understand he is gone to sea—take lodgings at Charingcross—go to the play, where I meet with an adventure—I go to an ordinary; the guests described—become acquainted with Medlar and doctor Wagtail.
AS soon as we alighted at the Inn, I dispatched Strap to enquire about my uncle, at the Samson and Lion in Wapping; and he returned in a little time, with an account of Mr. Bowling's having gone to sea, mate of a merchant ship, after a long and unsuccessful application and attendance at the admiralty; where, it seems, the interest he depended upon, was not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the pay that was due to him when he quitted the Thunder.
Next day I hired very handsome lodgings not far from Charing-cross; and in the evening, dressed myself in a plain suit of the true Paris cut, and appeared in a front box at the play, where I saw a good deal of company, and had vanity enough to make me believe, that I was observed with an uncommon degree of attention and applause. This silly conceit intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous coquetries; and I dare say, how favourable soever the thoughts of the company might be at my first appearance, they were soon changed by my absurd behaviour, into pity or contempt.—I got up and sat down, covered and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled out my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing again;—displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, that I might have an opportunity of shewing my brilliant, and wiped my nose with a perfumed handkerchief;—then dangled my cane, and adjusted my swordknot, and acted many more fooleries of the same kind, in hopes of obtaining the character of a pretty fellow, in the acquiring of which, I found two considerable obstructions in my disposition; namely, a natural reserve, and jealous sensibility.—Fain would I have entered into conversation with the people around me; but was restrained by the fear of being censured for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was more entitled to a compliment of this kind from them than they to such condescension from a stranger like me.—How often did I redden at the frequent whispers and loud laughter of my fellow beaus, which I imagined were excited by me! and how often did I envy the happy indifference of those choice spirits who beheld the distress of the scene, without discovering the least symptom of approbation or concern! My attention was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help weeping with the heroine of the stage; though I practised a great many shifts to conceal this impolite piece of weakness.—When the play was ended, I sat waiting for an opportunity of handing some lady to her coach; but every one was attended by such a number of officious gallants, that for a long time I was baulked in my expectation.—At length, however, I perceived a very handsome creature, genteelly dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at some distance from me; upon which I went up to her, and offered my service.—She seemed to to be in some confusion, thanked me for my complaisance, and with a tender look declined giving me the trouble; looking at her watch, and testifying her surprize at the negligence of her footman, whom she had ordered to have a chair ready for her at that hour.—I repeated my intreaty with all the eloquence and compliment I was master of; and in the event, she was prevailed upon to accept of a proposal I made, to send my servant for a chair or coach: Accordingly, Strap was detached for that purpose, and returned without success, there being none to be found; by this time the play-house was quite empty, and we were obliged to retire: As I led her through the passage, I observed five or six young fellows of fashion, standing in a corner, one of whom, as I thought, tipt my charmer the wink, and when we were past, I heard them set up the loud laugh.—This arroused my attention, and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this lady's character, before I should have any nearer connexion with her.—As no convenience appeared, I proposed, that I should conduct her to a tavern, where we might stay a few minutes, until my servant could fetch a coach from the Strand.—She seemed particularly shy of trusting herself in a tavern with a stranger; but at last, yielded to my pathetic remonstrances, rather than endanger her health, by remaining in a cold damp thorough-fare.—Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what wine she would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed the greatest aversion to all sorts of strong liquors; and it was with much difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly.—In the mean time, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasiness she discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could think of; at which she would often sigh, and regard me with a languishing look, that seemed too near a-kin to the lewd leer of a courtezan.—This discovery added to my former suspicion, while it put me upon my guard against her arts, divested me of reserve, and enabled me to entertain her with more gaity and freedom.—In the course of our conversation, I pressed her to allow me the honour of waiting upon her next day, at her lodgings, which she, with many apologies, refused, lest it should give umbrage to Sir John, who was of a disposition apt to be fretted with trifles.—This information, by which I was to understand that her husband was a knight, did not check my addresses, which became more and more importunate, and I was even hardy enough to ravish a kiss.—But, O heavens! instead of banqueting on the ambrosial flavour, that her delicacy and complexion promised, I was almost suffocated with the steams of Geneva! An exhalation of this kind from a mouth which had just before declared an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors, not only changed my doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it would have been impossible for me to have preserved common complaisance five minutes longer, when my servant returned with a coach.—I took the advantage of this occasion, and presented my hand to the lady, who put in practice against me the whole artillery of her charms, ogling, languishing, sighing, and squeezing, with so little reserve, that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rubbed his hands with joy as he followed us to the door;—but I was proof against all her endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to take my leave immediately. She guessed my design, and invited me to her house, whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she could have the pleasure of my conversation for half an hour without interruption.—I told her, there was no mortification I would not undergo, rather than endanger the repose of her ladyship; and bidding the coachman drive on, wished her a good night.—She lost all temper at my indifference, and stopping the coach at the distance of about twenty yards from me, popped out her head, and bawled with the lungs of a fish-woman,
"D—n you, you dog, won't you pay the coach-hire?"
I made no answer: Upon which she held forth against me with an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me pitiful fellow, scoundrel, and an hundred such appellations; and concluding with an oath, that for all my appearance, she believed I had got no money in my pocket.
Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered the coachman to proceed, and I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something for supper, very well pleased at the issue of this adventure.—I dispensed with the attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence that my own servant was present, and when we were alone, said to Strap;
"Well, Monsieur d'Estrapes, what d'ye think of this lady?"
My friend, who had not opened his mouth since her departure, could make no other reply than the monosyllable
"Think!"
which he pronounced with a note of fear and astonishment.—Surprized at this emphasis, I surveyed my valet, and perceiving a wildness in his looks, asked if he had seen his grandfather's ghost?—
"Ghost! (said he) I am sure I have seen a devil incarnate! Who would have thought that so much devilish malice and Billingsgate, could lurk under such sweetness of countenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help us!
Fronti nulla fides—nimium ne crede colori
—but we ought to down on our knees and bless God for delivering us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre."—
I was pretty much of Strap's opinion, and though I did not believe myself in any danger from the allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to act with great circumspection for the future, and shun all commerce of that kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and constitution.
My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance; for which purpose, I frequented a certain coffee-house, noted for the resort of good company, English as well as foreigners, where my appearance procured all the civilities and advances I could desire. There being an ordinary in the same house, I went up stairs to dinner with the other guests, and found myself at table with thirteen people, the greatest part of whom were better dressed than myself.—The conversation, which was mostly carried on in French, turned chiefly on politicks; and I soon found the whole company was in the French interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, who contradicted every thing that was advanced in favour of his Most Christian Majesty, with a surliness truly English.—But this trusty patriot, who had never been out of his own country, and drew all his maxims and notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very unequal to his antagonists, who were superior to him in learning and experience, and often took the liberty of travellers, in asserting things which were not strictly true, because they thought themselves in no danger of being detected by him.—The claim of the queen of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy, was fully explained and vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to me, and by the solemnity of his manner, and the richness of his apparel, seemed to be a foreign ambassador.—This dissertation introduced another on the Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great warmth by a young gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a green frock trimmed with gold, who justified the French king for his breach of that contract; and affirmed that he could not have observed it, without injuring his own glory.—Although I was not at all convinced by this gentleman's arguments, I could not help admiring his vivacity, which I imagined must be the effect of his illustrious birth, and noble education, and accordingly rated him in my conjecture as a young prince on his travels.—The discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman of a very martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle of Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances to the honour of the French, and disadvantage of the Allies, that I began to entertain some doubts of my having been there in person; and took the liberty to mention some objections to what he advanced.—This introduced a dispute which lasted a good while, to the mortification of all present; and was at last referred to the determination of a grave person, whom they stiled doctor, and who under a shew of great moderation, decided it against me, with so little regard to truth, that I taxed him with partiality in pretty severe terms, to the no small entertainment of the true English politician, who rejoiced at my defence of a cause he had so often espoused without success: My oponent pleased with the victory he had gained, affected a great deal of candour, and told me, he would not have been so positive, if he had not been at great pains to inform himself of each particular—
"Indeed, (said he) I am convinced, that, the previous steps considered, things could not happen otherwise; for we generals who have seen service, tho' we may not be on the spot ourselves, know by the least sketch of the disposition, what must be the event."—
He then censured, with great freedom, every circumstance of the conduct of those who commanded the Allies; from thence made a transition to the Ministry, which he honoured with many invectives, for employing people who had neither experience nor capacity, to the prejudice of old officers who had been distinguished for both; dropt many hints of his own importance; and concluded with observing, that the French and Spaniards knew better how to value generals of merit; the good effects of which are seen in the conquests they gain, and the admirable discipline of their troops, which are at the same time better cloathed and paid than any soldiers in the universe. These remarks furnished the green knight with an opportunity of launching out in the praise of French government in general, civil as well as military; on which occasion he made many odious comparisons to the disadvantage of the English: Every body, almost, assented to the observations he made, and the doctor gave his sanction, by saying, the people in France were undoubtedly the happiest subjects in the world.—I was so much astonished and confounded at their infatuation and effrontery, that I had not power to utter one word in opposition to their assertions; but my morose associate could not put up with the indignity that was offered to old England, and therefore with a satirical grin addressed himself to the general in these words:
"Sir, Sir, I have often heard it said,
She's a villainous bird that befouls her own nest.
—As for what those people who are foreigners say, I don't mind it, they know no better; but you who were bred and born, and have got your bread under the English government, should have more regard to gratitude as well as truth, in censuring your native country.—If the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they have their own reasons for so doing; and you ought to remember that you still live on the bounty of this nation.—As for these gentlemen, (meaning the prince and ambassador) who make so free with our constitution, laws and genius of our people, I think they might shew a little more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, are to blame in harbouring, protecting and encouraging such ungrateful vagrants as they are."—
At these words the chevalier in green started up in a great passion, and laying his hand on the hilt of his hanger, exclaimed,
"Ha!
foutre!
"—
The Englishman on the other hand, grasping his cane, cried,
"Don't
foutre
me, sirrah, or by G—d, I'll knock you down."—
The company interposed, the Frenchman sat down again, and his antagonist proceeded—
"Lookee, monsieur, you know very well, that had you dared to speak so freely of the administration of your own country in Paris, as you have done of ours in London, you would have been sent to the Bastile without ceremony, where you might have rotted in a dungeon, and never seen the light of the sun again.—Now, Sir, take my word for it, although our constitution screens us from such oppression, we want not laws to chastise the authors of seditious discourse; and if I hear another syllable out of your mouth, in contempt or prejudice of this kingdom, I will give you a convincing proof of what I advance, and have you laid by the heels for your presumption."—
This declaration had an effect on the company, as sudden as surprizing.—The young prince became supple as a spaniel, the ambassador trembled, the general sat silent and abashed, and the doctor, who, it seems, had felt the rod of power, grew pale as death, and assured us all, that he had no intention to affront any person or people.—
"Your principles, doctor, (resumed the old gentleman) are no secret—I have nothing to say upon that head; but am very much surprized, that a man who despises us so much, should notwithstanding live among us, when he has no visible motive for so doing.—Why don't you take up your habitation in your beloved France, where you may rail at England without censure?"—
To this the doctor thought proper to make no reply; and an unsocial silence ensued; which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity such idle disputes, maintained very often for whim or diversion, should create any misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense; and proposed to drink down all animosity in another bottle.—This motion was applauded by the whole company: The wine was brought, and the English champion declaring he had no spleen against any man for differing in opinion from him, any more than for difference of complexion, drank to the good health of all present; the compliment was returned, and the conversation once more became unreserved, though more general than before.—Among other topicks, the subject of war was introduced, on which the general declaimed with great eloquence, recounting many of his own exploits by way of illustration.—In the course of his harrangue he happened to mention the word
epaulement,
upon which the testy gentleman asked the meaning of that term.—
"I'll tell you what an epaulement is, (replied he)—I never saw an epaulement but once—and that was at the siege of Namur—in a council of war, monsieur Cohorn, the famous engineer, affirmed that the place could not be taken.—
Yes, (said the prince of Vaudemont) it may be taken by an epaulement."—
"This was immediately put in execution, and in twenty-fourhours Mareschal Boufflers was fain to capitulate."—
Here he made a full stop, and the old gentleman repeated the question,
"But pray what is an epaulement?"—
To this the officer made no immediate reply, but rung the bell and called for a bill, which being brought, he threw down his proportion of the reckoning, and telling the company, he would shew them what an epaulement is, when his Majesty thought fit to entrust him with the command of our army abroad, strutted away with great dignity.—I could not imagine why he was so shy of explaining one of the most simple terms of fortification; which I forthwith described as a side-work composed of earth, gabions, or faschins; but I was very much surprized when I afterwards understood that his reserve proceeded from his ignorance.—Having paid our bill, we adjourned to the coffee-room, where my fellow-labourer insisted on treating me with a dish, giving me to understand at the same time, that I had acquired his good opinion, both with respect to my principles and intellects.—I thanked him for his compliment, and professing myself an utter stranger in this part of the world, begged he would have the goodness to inform me of the quality and characters of the people who dined above.—This request was a real favour to one of his disposition, which was no less communicative than curious; he therefore complied with great satisfaction, and let me know, to my extreme astonishment, that the supposed young prince was a dancer at one of the theatres; and the ambassador no other than a fidler belonging to the opera.
"The doctor (said he) is a Roman Catholick priest, who sometimes appears in the character of an officer, and assumes the name of captain; but more generally takes the garb, title and behaviour of a physician, in which capacity he wheedles himself into the confidence of weak-minded people, and by arguments no less specious than false, converts them from their religion and allegiance.—He has been in the hands of justice more than once for such practices; but he is a sly dog, and manages matters with so much craft, that hitherto he has escaped for a short imprisonment.—As for the general, you may see he has owed his promotion more to his interest than his capacity; and now that the eyes of the ministry are opened, his friends dead, or become inconsiderable, he is struck off the list, and obliged to put up with a yearly pension; in consequence of this reduction, he is become malecontent, and enveighs against the government in all companies, with so little discretion, that I am surprised at the lenity of the administration in overlooking his insolence, but the truth of the matter is, he owes his safety to his weakness and want of importance.—He has seen a little, and but a little service, and yet if you will take his word for it, there has not been a great action performed in the field since the revolution, in which he was not principally concerned. When a story is told of any great general, he immediately matches it with one of himself, though he is often unhappy in his invention, and commits such gross blunders in the detail, that every body is in pain for him.—Caesar, Pompey, and Alexander the Great are continually in his mouth; and as he reads a good deal without any judgment to digest it, his ideas are confused, and his harrangues as unintelligible as infinite; for, once he begins, there is no chance of his leaving off speaking, while one person remains to yield attention; therefore the only expedient I know, of putting a stop to his loquacity, is to lay hold of some incongruity he has uttered, and demand an explanation; or ask the meaning of some difficult term that he knows by name only, this will effectually put him to silence, if not to flight, as it happened when I enquired about an
epaulement.
—Had he been acquainted with the signification of that word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and we must have quitted the field first, or been worried with impertinence."—
Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began to discover his own, in questions relating to myself, to which I thought proper to return ambiguous answers.—
"I presume, Sir, (said he) you have travelled."—
I answered,
"Yes."
"—I dare say, you would find it very expensive (said he.)"—
I replied,
"To be sure, one cannot travel without money."—
"That I know by experience (said he) for I myself take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must pay sauce for what he has on the road as well in other countries as in this.—That's a very pretty stone in your ring,—give me leave, Sir,—the French have attained to a wonderful skill in making compositions of this kind.—Why now, this looks almost as well as a diamond."—
"Almost as well, Sir, (said I) why not altogether?—I'm sure if you understand any thing of jewels, you must perceive at first sight, that this stone is a real diamond, and that of a very fine water.—Take it in your hand, and examine it."—
He did so, with some confusion, and returned it, saying,
"I ask your pardon, I see it is a true brilliant of immense value."—
I imagined his respect for me increased after this inquiry; therefore to captivate his esteem the more, I told him, I would shew him a seal of composition, engraved after a very valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch with a rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, and an opal ring.—He viewed each of them with great eagerness, handled the chain, admired the chased case, and observed, that the whole must have cost me a vast sum of money. I affected indifference, and replied in a careless manner,
"Some trifle of sixty or seventy guineas."
Upon which he stared in my face for some time, and then asked if I was an Englishman.—I answered in the negative.—
"You are from Ireland then, Sir, I presume, (said he.)"
I made the same reply.
"O! perhaps (said he) you was born in one of our settlements abroad."—
I still answered no.—He seemed very much surprized, and said, he was sure I was not a foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon the tenter-hooks of impatient uncertainty.—He could not contain his anxiety, but asked pardon for the liberties he had taken, and to encourage me the more to disclose my situation, display'd his own without reserve.—
"I am (said he) a single man, have a considerable annuity, on which I live according to my own inclination; and make the ends of the year meet very comfortably.—As I have no estate to leave behind me, I am not troubled with the importunate officiousness of relations, or legacy hunters, and I consider the world as made for me, not me for the world: It is my maxim therefore to enjoy it while I can, and let futurity shift for itself."—
While he thus indulged his own talkative vein, and at the same time, no doubt, expected a retaliation from me; a young man entered, dressed in black velvet and an enormous tye-wig, with an air in which natural levity and affected solemnity were so jumbled together, that on the whole, he appeared a burlesque on all decorum. This ridiculous oddity danced up to the table at which we sat, and after a thousand grimaces, asked my friend by the name of Mr: Medlar, if we were not engaged upon business.—My companion put on a surly countenance, and replied,
"No great business, doctor—but however."—
"O! then (cried the physician) I must beg your indulgence a little, pray pardon me, gentlemen.—Sir, (said, he, addressing himself to me) your most humble servant, I hope you will forgive me, Sir—I must beg the favour to sit—Sir—Sir—I have something of consequence to impart to my friend Mr. Medlar—Sir, I hope you will excuse my freedom in whispering, Sir."—
Before I had time to give this complaisant person my permission, Mr. Medlar cried,
"I'll have no whispering—if you have any thing to say to me, speak with an audible voice."—
The doctor seemed a little disconcerted at this exclamation, and turning again to me, making a thousand apologies for pretending to make a mystery of any thing, which he said was owing to his ignorance of my connexion with Mr. Medlar; but now he understood I was a friend, he would communicate what he had to say, in my hearing.—He then began, after two or three hems, in this manner:—
"You must know Sir, I am just come from dinner at my lady Flareit's, (then addressing himself to me) a lady of quality, Sir, at whose table I have the honour of dining sometimes.—There was lady Stately, and my lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty, and Miss Biddy Gigler, upon my word, a very good natured young lady, with a very pretty fortune, Sir.—There was also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and master Billy Chatter, who is actually a very facetious young gentleman.—So, Sir, her ladyship seeing me excessively fatigued, for she was the last of fifteen patients (people of distinction, Sir) whom I had visited this forenoon,—insisted upon my staying dinner,—though upon my word, I protest I had no appetite; however, in compliance with her ladyship's request, Sir, I sat down, and the conversation turning on different subjects, among other things, Mr. Chatter asked very earnestly when I saw Mr. Medlar.—I told him I had not had the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen hours and a half; for you may remember, Sir, it was nearly about that time; I won't be positive as to a minute."—
"No! (says he) then I desire you will go to his lodgings immediately after dinner, and see what is the matter with him, for he must certainly be very bad from having eat last night such a vast quantity of raw oysters."—
The crusty gentleman, who from the solemnity of his delivery, expected something extraordinary, no sooner heard his conclusion, than he started up in a testy humour, crying,
"Pshaw, pshaw! d—n your oysters;"
and walked away after a short compliment of
"Your servant, Sir,"
to me.—The doctor got up also, saying,
"I vow and protest, upon my word, I am actually amazed."—
and followed. Mr. Medlar to the bar, which was hard by, where he was paying for the coffee; there he whispered so loud that I could over-hear,
"Pray, who is this gentleman?"—
His friend replied hastily,
"I might have known that before now, if it had not been for your impertinent intrusion,"—
and walked away very much disappointed.—The ceremonious physician returned immediately and sat down by me, asking a thousand pardons for leaving me alone; and giving me to understand that what he had communicated to Mr. Medlar at the bar was an affair of the last importance, that would admit of no delay.—He then called for some coffee, and launched out into the virtues of that berry, which, he said, in cold phlegmatic constitutions, like his, dried up the superfluous moisture, and braced the relaxed nerves.—He let me know, that it was utterly unknown to the ancients; and derived its name from an Arabian word, which I might easily perceive by the sound and termination.—From this topick he transferred his disquisitions to the verb
drink,
which he affirmed, was improperly applied to the taking of coffee, in as much as people did not drink, but sip or sipple that liquor;—that the genuine meaning of drinking is to quench one's thirst, or commit a debauch by swallowing wine;—that the Latin word, which conveyed the same idea, was
bibere
or
potare,
and that of the Greeks
pinein
or
poteein,
though he was apt to believe they were differently used on different occasions: For example; to drink a vast quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean of liquor, was in Latin
potare,
and in Greek
poteein;
and on the other hand, to use it moderately, was
bibere
and
pinein;
—that this was only a conjecture of his own, which, however, seemed to be supported by the word
bibulous,
which is particularly applied to the pores of the skin, that can only drink a very small quantity of the circumambient moisture, by reason of the smallness of their diameters;—whereas, from the verb
poteein,
is derived the substantive
potamos,
which signifies a river, or vast quantity of liquor.—I could not help smiling at this learned and important investigation; and to recommend myself the more to my new acquaintance, whose disposition I was by this time well informed of, I observed, that what he alledged, did not, to the best of my remembrance, appear in the writings of the ancients; for, Horace uses the words
poto
and
bibo
indifferently for the same purpose, as in the twentieth Ode of his first Book.
Vile potabis modicis sabinum cantharis,—
—Et proelo domitam caleno tu bibes uvam.
That I had never heard of the verb
poteein,
but that
potamos, potema,
and
potos,
were derived from
pino, poso, pepoka;
in consequence of which, the Greek poets never use any other word for festal drinking.—Homer describes Nestor at his cups in these words:
Nestora d' ouk elathen jache
pinonta
perempes.
And Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion almost in every page,
Pionti
d' oinon hedun
Otan
pino
ton oinon.
Opliz' ego de
pino.
And in a thousand other places.—The doctor, who, doubtless, intended by his criticism, to give me an high idea of his erudition, was infinitely surprized to find himself schooled by one in my appearance; and after a considerable pause, cried,
"Upon my word! you are in the right, Sir.—I find I have not considered this affair with my usual accuracy.—
Then accosting me, in Latin, which he spoke very well, the conversation was maintained full two hours, on a variety of subjects, in that language; and indeed, he spoke so judiciously, that I was convinced, notwithstanding his whimsical appearance, and attention to trifles, of his being a man of extensive knowledge, especially in books; he looked upon upon me, as I afterwards understood from Mr. Medlar, as a prodigy in learning, and proposed that very night, if I was not engaged, to introduce me to several young gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom he had an appointment at the Bedford coffee-house.
CHAP. XLVI.
Wagtail introduces me to a set of fine gentlemen, with whom I spend the evening at a tavern—our conversation—the characters of my new companions—the doctor is roasted—the issue of our debauch.
I Accepted his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney-coach, where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, most of whom spoke to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the rest, stood a groupe of them around the fire, whom I immediately knew to be the very persons who had the night before, by their laughing, alarmed my suspicion of the lady who had put herself under my protection.—They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr. Wagtail (for that was my companion's name) than they tittered and whispered one to another; and I was not a little surprized to find that they were the gentlemen to whose acquaintance he designed to recommend me; for when he observed them together, he told me who they were, and desired to know by what name he should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with great gravity, saying,
"Gentlemen, your most obedient—give me leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random, to your society."
Then turning to me,
"Mr. Random, this is Mr. Bragwell—Mr. Banter, Sir—Mr. Chatter—my friend Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter, Sir."—
I saluted each of them in order, and when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his cheek, to the no small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper to take any notice of it, on this occasion.—Mr. Ranter too, (who I afterwards learned was a player) displayed his talents, by mimicking my air, features and voice, while he returned my compliment:—This I should not have been so sensible of, had I not seen him behave in the same manner, to my friend Wagtail, when he made up to them at first.—But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without question or controul, resolved however, to chastize his insolence at a more convenient opportunity.—Mr. Slyboot guessing I was a stranger, asked if I had been lately in France; and when I answered in the affirmative, enquired if I had seen the Luxemburg gallery: I told him, I had considered it more than once, with great attention: Upon this a conversation ensued, in which I discovered him to be a painter.—While we were discoursing upon the particular pieces of this famous collection, I overheard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail, where he had picked up this Mr. Random.—To which question the physician answered,
"Upon my word, a mighty pretty sort of a gentleman—a man of fortune, Sir—he has made the grand tour—and seen the best company in Europe, Sir."—
"What, he told you so? I suppose, (said the other) I take him to be neither more nor less than a French
valet de chambre.
"—
"Oh! barbarous, barbarous! (cried the doctor) this is actually, upon my word, altogether unaccountable.—I know all his family perfectly well, Sir—He's of the Randoms in the north—a very ancient house, Sir, and a distant relation of mine."—
I was extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my company in general; but as I might possibly, by their means, acquire a more extensive and agreeable acquaintance, I determined to bear these little mortifications as long as I could, without injuring the dignity of my character.—After having talked for some time on the weather, plays, politicks, and other coffee-house subjects, it was proposed that we should spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a body.—Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my associates opened upon me more and more.—It soon appeared that the doctor was entertained as a butt for the painter and player to exercise their wit upon, for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the game, by asking him what was good for a hoarseness, lowness of spirits and indigestion, he being troubled with all these complaints to a very great degree.—Wagtail immediately undertook to explain the nature of his case, and in a very prolix manner, harrangued upon prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, inanition, and repletion; then calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their respective operations; ascribed the player's malady to a disorder in these organs, proceeding from hard drinking and vociferation, and prescribed a course of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, and loud speaking, laughing, singing, coughing, sneezing or hollowing.—
"Pah, pah, (cried Ranter, interrupting him) the remedy is worse than the disease—I wish I knew where to find some tinder-water."—
"Tinder-water! (said the doctor) upon my word I don't apprehend you, Mr. Ranter."—
"Water extracted from tinder (replied the other) an universal specific for all distempers incident to man.—It was invented by a learned German monk, who, for a valuable consideration, imparted the secret to Paracelsus."—
"Pardon me (cried the painter) it was first used by Solomon, as appears by a Greek manuscript, in his own hand-writing, lately found at the foot of mount Lebanon, by a peasant who was digging for potatoes."—
"Well, (said Wagtail) in all my vast reading, I never met with such a preparation! neither did I know till this minute, that Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine."—
Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprized that doctor Wagtail should make the least doubt of Solomon's understanding Greek, when he is represented to us as the wisest and best educated prince in the world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither from Ireland, in the time of the Crusades, by some knights of that country.—
"I profess (said the doctor) there is nothing more likely—I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be inestimable—and if I understood the process, would set about it immediately."—
The player assured him, the process was very simple—that he must cram a hundred weight of dry tinder into a glass retort, and distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose.—
"Upon my integrity! (exclaimed the credulous doctor) this is very amazing and extraordinary! that a
caput mortuum
shall yield any water at all—I must own, I have always been an enemy to specifics, which I thought inconsistent with the nature of the animal oeconomy; but certainly the authority of Solomon is not to be questioned.—I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large enough to contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption of which must undoubtedly raise the price of paper—or where shall I find animal heat sufficient, even to warm such a mass."—
Slyboot informed him, that he might have a retort blown for him as big as a church, and that the easiest method of raising the vapour by animal heat, would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary for feverish patients, who might lie upon matrasses around, and in contact with it.—He had no sooner pronounced these words, than Wagtail exclaimed in a rapture,
"An admirable expedient, as I hope to be saved! I will positively put it in practice."—
This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion for the company, who in their turns, sneered at him in ironical compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of their hearts.—Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now broke out, and entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial account of the dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the men; concluding with telling Bragwell, that his mistress Me'linda was there and seemed to miss him; and solliciting his company at the next occasion of that kind.—
"No, no, damme (said Bragwell) I have something else to mind than dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls;—besides, you know my temper is so unruly, that I am apt to involve myself in scrapes, when a woman is concerned.—The last time I was there, I had an affair with Tom Trippet."—
"O! I remember that (cried Banter) you lugged out before the ladies; and I commend you for so doing, because you had an opportunity of shewing your manhood, without running any risk."—
"Risk! (said the other with a fierce countenance) d—n my blood! I fear no risks.—I a'n't afraid of lugging out against any man that wears a head, damme! 'tis well known I have drawn blood more than once, and lost some too; but what does that signify?"—
The player begged this champion to employ him as his second the next time he intended to kill, for he wanted to see a man die of a stab, that he might know how to act such a part the more naturally on the stage.—
"Die! (replied the hero) No, by G—d! I know better things than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex jury—I should look upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a b—ch, if he had not taught me to prick any part of my antagonist's body, that I please to disable."—
"Oho! (cried Slyboot) if that be the case, I have a favour to ask: You must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the cross; and my purpose is to represent him at that point of time, when the spear is thrust into his side.—Now I should be glad you would, in my presence, pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions, without endangering his life, that I may have an opportunity of taking a good clever agony from nature:—The doctor will direct you where to enter, and how far to go; but pray let it be as near the left side as possible."—
Wagtail, who took this proposal seriously, observed, that it would be a very difficult matter to penetrate into the left side of the thorax, without hurting the heart, and of consequence killing the patient; but he believed it was possible for a man of a very nice hand, and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce a singultus, without being attended with death;—that he was ready to demonstrate the insertion of that muscle to Mr. Bragwell; but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which might essentially prejudice his reputation in case of a miscarriage.—Bragwell was as much imposed upon by the painter's waggery as the doctor, and declined engaging in the affair, saying, he had a very great regard for Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never to fight except when his honour was engaged.—A thousand jokes of this kind were passed; the wine circulated, supper was served in, we eat heartily, returned to the bottle, Bragwell became noisy and troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter rehearsed, Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sung French catches, and Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor with a woful countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Pythagoras.—At length, it was proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly to bed.
While we deliberated upon this expedition, the waiter came into the room, and asked for doctor Wagtail; when he understood he was present, he told him, there was a lady below to enquire for him; at which the physician started from his melancholy contemplation, and with a look of extreme confusion, assured the company, he could not possibly be the person wanted, for he had no connexion with any lady whatever; and bid the drawer tell her so.—
"For shame! (cried Banter) would you be so impolite as to refuse a lady the hearing? perhaps she comes for a consultation.—It must be some extraordinary affair that brings a lady to a tavern at this time o'night.—Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor's baise-mains to the lady, and squire her hither."—
The player immediately staggered out, and returned, leading in with much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, whose appearance proclaimed her condition. We received her with the utmost solemnity, and with a good deal of intreaty she was persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued, during which she fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate look, upon the doctor, who was utterly confounded at her behaviour, and returned her melancholy sour-fold; at length, after a good many piteous sighs, she wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus:
"What! not one word of comfort? Will nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not all my affliction! Not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me! Where are thy vows, thou faithless perjured man?—Hast thou no honour?—no conscience—no remorse for thy perfidious conduct towards me!—answer me, wilt thou at last do me justice, or must I have recourse to heaven and hell for my revenge!"—
If poor Wagtail was amazed before she spoke, what must his confusion be on hearing this address. His natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes rolled, his lip trembled, and he answered in an accent not to be described;—
"Upon my word, honour, and salvation! madam, you are actually mistaken in my person,—I have a most particular veneration for your sex, madam, and am actually incapable of injuring any lady in the smallest degree, madam,—besides, madam, to the best of my recollection, I never had the honour of seeing you before, as I hope to be saved, madam!"
"—How, traitor! (cried she) dost thou disown me then?—Mistaken! no,—too well I know that fair bewitching face! too well I know that false enchanting tongue! alas! gentlemen, since the villain compels me, by his unkindness, to expose myself and him, know, that this betrayer, under the specious pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, and taking advantage of his conquest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and afterwards abandoned me to my fate!—I am now four months gone with child by him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to misery and want! Yes, thou Barbarian (said she, turning to Wagtail) thou tiger, thou Succubus! too well thou knowest my situation—but I will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such a monster."—
So saying, she sprung forward at the doctor, who, with incredible agility, jumped over the table and got behind Bragwell, while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine—Although every body in the company affected the utmost surprize, I could easily perceive it was a scheme concerted among them, to produce diversion at the doctor's expence; and being under no concern about the consequence, I entered into the confederacy, and enjoy'd the distress of Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes, begged the protection of the company, declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to his charge, as the foetus in utero; and hinting at the same time, that nature had not put it in his power to be guilty of such a trespass—
"Nature! (cried the lady,) there was no nature in the case—he abused me by the help of charms and spells; else how is it possible, that any woman could have listened to the addresses of such a scarecrow?—Were these owlish eyes made for ogling; that carrion complexion to be admired; or that mouth like a horse-shoe to be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to your philtres, to your drugs and incantations; and not to your natural talents, which are in every respect mean and contemptible"—
The doctor now thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself effectually; and desired the complainant to compose herself but for half an hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity of believing in the power of incantations, which were only idle dreams of ignorance and superstition.—He accordingly pronounced a very learned discourse upon the nature of ideas, the powers and independance of the mind, the properties of stimulating medicines, the difference between a proneness to venery, which many simples would create, and a passion limited to one object, which can only be the result of sense and reflection; and concluded with a pathetic remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness of being persecuted with the resentment of a lady whom he had never injured, nor even seen before that occasion, and whose faculties were, in all likelihood, so much impaired by her misfortunes, that an innocent person was in danger of being ruined by her disorder.—He had no sooner finished his harrangue, than the forlorn princess began her lamentations afresh, and cautioned the company against his eloquence, which, she said, was able to byass the most impartial bench in christendom.—Banter advised him to espouse her immediately, as the only means to salve his reputation, and offered to accompany him to the Fleet for that purpose; but Slyboot proposed that a father should be purchased for the child, and a comfortable alimony settled on the mother. Ranter promised to adopt the infant
gratis.
Wagtail was ready to worship him for his generosity; and though he persisted in protesting his innocence, condescended to every thing rather than his unblemished character should be called in question.—The lady rejected the expedient, and insisted on matrimony. Bragwell took up the cudgels for the doctor, and undertook to rid him of her importunity, for half a guinea; upon which Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled out his purse and put it into the hand of his friend, who taking half a piece out of it, gave it to the plaintiff, and bid her thank God for her good fortune. When she had received this bounty, she affected to weep, and begged, since the physician had renounced her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting kiss; this he was prevailed upon to grant, with great reluctance, and went up, with his usual solemnity, to salute her; she laid hold of his cheek with her teeth and held fast, while he roared with anguish, to the unspeakable diversion of all present. When she thought proper to release him, she dropped a low courtesy to the company, and quitted the room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so much on account of the pain, as the apprehension of the consequence of the bite; for by this time, he was convinced of her being mad. Banter prescribed the actual cautery, and put the poker in the fire to be heated, in order to sear the place.—The player was of opinion that Bragwell should scoop out the part affected with the point of his sword; but the painter prevented both these dreadful operations, by recommending a balsam he had in his pocket, which never failed to cure the bite of a mad dog: With these words, he pulled out a small bladder of black paint, with which he instantly anointed not only the sore, but the greatest part of the patient's face, and left it in a frightful condition.—In short, the poor creature was so harrassed with fear and vexation, that I pitied him extremely, and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the inclination of every body present.
This freedom of mine, gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his displeasure, by swearing a few threats, without making any application; which was no sooner perceived by Slyboot, who sat by me, than with a view of promoting a quarrel, he whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell used me very ill; but every man was the best judge of his own affairs.—I answered aloud, that I would neither suffer Mr. Bragwell nor him to use me ill with impunity; and that I stood in no need of his counsel in regard to the regulation of my conduct.—He thought proper to ask a thousand pardons, and assure me, he meant no offence; while Bragwell feigned himself asleep, that he might not be obliged to take notice of what passed.—But the player, who had more animal spirits, and less prudence than Slyboot, unwilling to let the affair rest, where he had dropt it, jogged Mr. Bragwell, and told him softly, that I called him names, and threatned to cudgel him.—This I understood by his starting up and crying,
"Blood and wounds! you lie—No man durst treat me so ignominiously,—Mr. Random, did you call me names, and threaten to drub me?"
I denied the imputation, and proposed to punish the scoundrel, who endeavoured to foment disturbance in the company; Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same, and accosted the actor in these words,
"Lookee, Mr. Banter, I know you possess all the mimickry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I have observed you put them all in practice more than once to-night, on me and others; now I want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness also; therefore I desire you to leap over this sword without hesitation;"
so saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of about three feet from the floor, and called,
"Once—twice—thrice, and away;"—
but instead of complying with my command, he snatched his hat and hanger, and assuming the looks, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst out in the following exclamation,
"Ha! must I then perform inglorious prank, of Sylvan ape in mountain forest caught! Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and lay my hand in fury's lap—Have we not Hiren here?"—
This buffoonery did not answer his expectation, for by this time the company was bent on seeing him in a new character. Mr. Banter desired me to hold my sword a foot or two higher, that he might have the better opportunity of exerting himself.—The painter told him, if he performed well, he would recommend him as a vaulter to the proprietors of Sadler's Wells; and Bragwell crying,
"Leap for the king,"
applied the point of his sword to the player's posteriors, with such success, that he sprung over in a trice, and finding the door unguarded, vanished in a twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his share of the reckoning so easily.
It being now near two a-clock in the morning, we discharged the bill, and sallied out into the street.—The painter slunk away without taking his leave.—Billy Chatter being unable to speak or stand, was sent to a Bagnio; and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell to Moll King's coffee-house, where after he had kicked half a dozen of hungry whores, we left him asleep on a bench, and directed our course towards Charing Cross, near which place both he and I lodged.
The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he honoured me by the way with many compliments and professions of friendship, for which I made suitable acknowledgments, and told him, I thought myself happy in having, by my behaviour, removed the unfavourable opinion he entertained of me at first sight.—He was surprized at this declaration, and begged me to explain myself: Upon which I mentioned what I had over-heard him say of me to Wagtail, in the coffee-house.—He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom, assuring me, that my appearance had very much prepossessed him in my favour; and what he said, was only intended as a joke on the doctor's solemnity.—I was highly pleased at being undeceived in this particular, and not a little proud of the good opinion of this wit, who shook me by the hand at parting, and promised to meet me next day at the ordinary.
CHAP. XLVII.
Strap communicates to me a conquest he had made on a chandler's widow—finds himself miserably mistaken—I go to the opera—admire Melinda—am cautioned by Banter—go to the assembly at Hampstead—dance with that young lady—receive an insolent message from Bragwell, whose mettle is soon cooled—am in favour with my mistress, whom I visit next day; and am bubbled out of eighteen guineas at cards—Strap triumphs at my success, but is astonished at my expence—Banter comes to my lodging, is very sarcastic at my expence, and borrows five guineas from me, as a proof of his friendship.
IN the morning before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast his eyes upon the ground, and with a very foolish kind of a simper on his face, let me know he had something to communicate.—
"By your countenance (said I) I expect to hear good tidings."—
"—Indifferent (replied he, tittering) that is, thereafter as it shall be.—You must know, I have some thoughts of altering my condition."—
"What! (cried I, astonished) a matrimonial scheme? O rare Strap! thou hast got the heels of me at last."—
"N'—no less, I'll assure you (said be, bursting into a laugh of self-approbation) a tallow-chandler's widow, that lives hard by, has taken a liking to me.—A fine jolly dame, as plump as a partridge.—She has a well furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good deal of the ready.—I may have her for the asking.—She told a friend of mine, a brother footman, that she would take me out of a stinking clout.—But I refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opinion of the matter."—
I congratulated Monsieur d'Estrapes upon his conquest, and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of these circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, and give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should be brought to a conclusion.—He assured me he would do nothing without my consent and approbation, and that very morning, while I was at breakfast, introduced his innamorata to my acquaintance.—She was a short thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without some suspicion of foul play.—I desired her, however, to sit, and treated her with a dish of tea; the discourse turning on the good qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, industry and virtue.—When she took her leave, he followed her to the door, and returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think she was a luscious creature.—I made no mystery of my apprehension, but declared my sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was not surprized, telling me, he had observed the same symptom, but was informed by his friend that she was only livergrown, and would in a few months be as small in the Waist as ever.—
"Yes, (said I) a few weeks, I believe, will do the business.—In short, Strap, it is my opinion, that you are egregiously imposed upon; and that this friend is no other than a rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you for a wife, that he may at once deliver himself from the importunities of the mother, and the expence of her bantling; for which reason I would not have you trust implicitly to the report he makes of her wealth, which is inconsistent with his behaviour; nor run your head precipitately into a noose, that you may afterwards wished exchanged for the hangman's."
He seemed very much startled at my insinuation, and promised to look twice before he leaped; saying, with some heat,
"Odd, if I find his intention is to betray me, we shall see which of us is the better man."—
My prediction was verified in less than a fortnight; her great belly producing an infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was, before this happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in my penetration. His false friend disappeared, and in a few days after, an execution was issued against her goods and houshold-furniture, which were seized by the creditors.
Mean while I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening went to the opera with him and Mr. Chatter, who pointed out Melinda in one of the boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing at the same time, that she was a reigning toast worth ten thousand pounds.—This piece of information made my heart bound with joy, and I discovered great eagerness to accept the proposal; upon which he assured me I should dance with her at the next assembly, if he had any influence in that quarter; so saying, he went round, spoke to her some minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed at me, then returning, told me, to my inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon what he had promised, for she was now engaged as my partner.—Banter, in a whisper, gave me to understand that she was an incorrigible coquette, who would grant the same favour to any young fellow in England, of a tolerable appearance, meerly to engage him among the herd of her admirers, that she might have the pleasure of seeing them increase daily;—that she was of a cold insensible disposition, dead to every passion but vanity, and so blind to merit, that he would lay any wager, the wealthiest fool should carry her at last. I attributed a good deal of this intelligence to the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment, for having himself suffered a rebuff from the lady in question; and at any rate, trusted so much to my own accomplishments, as to believe no woman could resist the ardour of my addresses.
Full of this confidence, I repaired to Hampstead, in company with Billy Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and doctor Wagtail.—Here I saw a very brilliant assembly, before whom I had the honour to walk a minuet with Melinda, who charmed me with her frank manner of receiving me, and easiness of behaviour.—Before the country dances began, I received a message by a person I did not know, from Bragwell, who was present, importing that no body who knew him, presumed to dance with Melinda, while he was there in person; and that I would do well to relinquish her without noise, because he had a mind to lead up a country dance with her. This extraordinary intimation, which was delivered in the lady's hearing, did not at all discompose me, who by this time was pretty well acquainted with the character of my rival. I therefore, without the least symptom of concern, bid the gentleman tell Mr. Bragwell, that while I was so happy as to obtain the lady's consent, I should not be sollicitous about his; and desired the bearer himself to bring me no such impertinent messages for the future. Melinda affected a sort of confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr. Bragwell should give himself such liberties with regard to her, who had no manner of connexion with the fellow. I laid hold of this opportunity to display my valour, and offered to call him to account for his insolence, which she absolutely refused, under pretence of consulting my safety; though I could perceive by the sparkling of her eyes, that she would not have thought herself affronted in being the subject of a duel. I was by no means pleased with this discovery of her thoughts, which not only argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but likewise the most barbarous indifference; however, I was allured by her fortune, and resolved to gratify her pride, in making her the occasion of a publick quarrel between me and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never drive matters to a dangerous extremity.
While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one end of the room, encircled with a cluster of beaus, to whom he talked with great vehemence, casting many big looks at me, from time to time: I guessed the subject of his discourse, and as soon as I had handed my partner to her seat, strutted up to the place where he stood, and cocking my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he had any thing to say to me. He answered with a fullen tone,
"Nothing, at present, Sir,"
and turned about upon his heel.—
"Well, (said I) you know where I am to be found at any time."—
His companions stared at one another, and I returned to the lady, whose features brightened at my approach, and immediately a whisper run thro' the whole room; after which, so many eyes were turned upon me, that I was ready to sink with confusion.—When the ball broke up, I led her to her coach, and, like a true French gallant, would have got up behind it, in order to protect her from violence on the road; but she absolutely refused my offer, and expressed her concern that-there was not an empty seat for me within it.
Next day in the afternoon I waited on her at her lodgings, by permission, in company with Chatter, and was very civilly received by her mother, with whom she lived;—there were a good many fashionable people present, chiefly young fellows, and immediately after tea a couple of card tables were set, at one of which I had the honour to play with Melinda, who in less than three hours made shift to plunder me of eight guineas.—I was well enough content to lose a little money with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity to say soft things in the mean time, which are still most welcome, when attended with good luck; but I was by no means satisfied with her fair play, a circumstance that shocked me not a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of her disinterestedness and delicacy.—However, I was resolved to profit by this behaviour, and treat her in my turn with less ceremony; accordingly, I laid close siege to her, and finding her not at all disgusted with the gross incense I offered, that very night made a declaration of love in plain terms.—She received my addresses with great gaity, and pretended to laugh them off, but at the same time treated me with such particular complacency, that I was persuaded I had made a conquest of her heart, and concluded myself the happiest man alive.—Elevated with these flattering ideas, I sat down again to cards, after supper, and with great chearfulness suffered myself to be cheated of ten guineas more.
It was late before I took my leave, after being favoured with a general invitation; and when I got into bed, the adventures of the day hindered me from sleeping.—Sometimes I pleased myself with the hopes of possessing a fine woman with ten thousand pounds; then I would ruminate on the character I had heard of her from Banter, and compare it with the circumstances of her conduct towards me, which seemed to bear too great a resemblance to the picture he had drawn.—This introduced a melancholy reflection on the expence I had undergone, and the smallness of my funds to support it, which, by the bye, were none of my own.—In short, I found myself involved in doubts and perplexities, that kept me awake the greatest part of the night.
In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conversed these two days, presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I asked his opinion of the lady whom he had seen me conduct to her coach at Hampstead.—
"Odd! she's a delicious creature (cried he) and, as I am informed, a great fortune.—I am sorry you did not insist on going home with her.—I dare say, she would not have refused your company; for she seems to be a good-humoured soul."—
"There's a time for all things (said I.) You must know, Strap, I was in company with her till one o'clock this morning."—
I had no sooner pronounced these words, than he began to caper about the room, and snap his fingers, crying in a transport,
"The day's our own!—the day's our own!"
I gave him to understand that his triumph was a little premature, and that I had more difficulties to surmount than he was aware of; then I recounted to him the intelligence I had received from Banter.—At which he changed colour, shook his head, and observed there was no faith in woman.—I told him, I was resolved to make a bold push notwithstanding, although I foresaw it would lead me into a great expence; and bid him guess the sum I had lost last night at cards.—He scratched his chin, and professed his abhorrence of cards, the very name of which being mentioned made him sweat with vexation, as it recalled the money-dropper to his remembrance;
"But however (said he) you have to do with other guess people now.—Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run last night, you would scarce come off for less than ten or twelve shillings.
—I was mortified at this piece of simplicity, which I imagined, at that time, was all affected by way of reprimand for my folly; and asked with some heat, if he thought I had spent the evening in a cellar with chairmen and bunters; giving him to know, at the same time time, that my expence amounted to eighteen guineas.—It would require the pencil of Hogarth to express the astonishment and concern of Strap, on hearing this piece of news; the bason in which he was preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he remained some time immoveable in that ludicrous attitude, with his mouth open, and his eyes thrust forward considerably beyond their station; but remembering my disposition, which was touchy and impatient of controul, he smothered his chagrin, and attempted to recollect himself.—With this view he endeavoured to laugh, but in spite of his teeth, broke out into a whimper, took up his washball and pewter-pot, scrubbed my beard with the one, and discharged the other upon my face.—I took no notice of his confusion, but after he had fully recovered himself, put him in mind of his right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender his effects whenever he should think proper to demand them.—He was nettled at my insinuation, which he thought proceeded from my distrust of his friendship; and begged I would never talk to him in that strain again, unless I had a mind to break his heart.
This good creature's unalterable friendship for me affected me with the most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution of acquiring a fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest my generosity in my turn.—For this purpose, I determined to bring matters to a speedy conclusion with Melinda; well knowing that a few such nights as the last, would effectually incapacitate me from prosecuting that, or any other advantageous amour.
While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, Mr. Banter favoured me with a visit; and after breakfast, asked how I had passed the preceeding evening—I answered, I was very agreeably entertained at a private house.—
"Yes, (said he, with a sarcastic smile) you deserved something extraordinary for the price you paid."—
I was surprised at his remark, and pretended ignorance of his meaning.—
"Come, come, Random (continued he) you need not make a mystery of it to me, the whole town has it.—I wish that foolish affair between you and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less publick—It has set all the busy bodies at work to find out your real character and situation; and you cannot imagine what conjectures have already circulated at your expence: One suspects you to be Jesuit in disguise; another believes you are an agent from the Pretender; a third believes you to be an upstart gamester, because no body knows any thing of your family or fortune; a fourth is of opinion, that you are an Irish fortune-hunter."—
This last hypothesis touched me so near, that, to conceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for an envious meddling community, that would not suffer a gentleman to live without molestation. He took no notice of this apostrophe, but went on,
"For my own part, I neither know nor desire to know, who, or what you are; this I am certain of, that few people make a mystery of their origin and situation, who can boast of any thing advantageous in either;—and my own opinion of the matter is, that you have raised yourself by your industry, from nothing to the appearance you now maintain, and which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial scheme."—
Here he fixed his eye, stedfastly upon me, and perceiving my face covered with blushes, told me, now he was confirmed in his opinion;—
"Look ye, Random, (said he) I have divined your plan, and am confident it will never succeed—You are too honest and too ignorant of the town, to practice the necessary cheats of your profession, and detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you—Besides, you are downright bashful—what the devil! set up for a fortune-hunter, before you have conquered the sense of shame!—Perhaps you are entitled by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and better wife than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not to be won at that rate;—or, if you are so lucky as to carry her, between you and me, you may say, as Teague did,
By my soul I have gained a loss!
She would take care to spend her own fortune in a twinkling, and soon make you sick of her extravagance."—
I was alarmed by his discourse, while I resented the freedom of it, and expressed my disgust, by telling him, he was mistaken in my intentions, and desiring he would give me leave to regulate my conduct according to the dictates of my own reason.—He made an apology for the liberty he had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth of his friendship for me; as an uncommon instance of which, he borrowed five guineas, assuring me, there were very few people in the world whom he would so far favour with his confidence.—I gave him the money, and professed myself so well convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put it to such extraordinary proofs for the future.—
"I thought (said he) to have asked five pieces more, but hearing you was bubbled of eighteen last night, I presumed you might be out of cash, and resolved to model my demand accordingly."
I could not help admiring the cavalier behaviour of this spark, of whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was bubbled.—Whereupon he gave me to understand, that before he came to my lodgings, he had beat up Tom Tossle, who having been present, informed him of the particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda, with which he proposed to entertain the town; and among other circumstances, assured him, my mistress cheated with so little art, that no body but a meer novice could have been imposed upon.
The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for coxcombs, and losing my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue of my indignation, and swore that no man should with impunity, either asperse the character of Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He replied in a dry manner, that I would find it a Herculean task to chastise every body who should laugh at my expence; and as for the character of Melinda, he did not see how it could suffer by what was laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, so far from being reckoned a blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon as an honourable indication of superior genius and address.—
"But let us wave this subject (said he) and go to the coffee-house, in order to make a party for dinner."
CHAP. XLVIII.
We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute between Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision—the doctor gives us an account of his experiment—Medlar is roasted by Banter, at the ordinary—the old gentleman's advice to me.
BEING as willing to drop the theme, as he to propose it, I accompanied him thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and doctor Wagtail, disputing upon the word Custard, which the physician affirmed should be spelled with a G, because it was derived from the Latin verb
gustare,
"to taste."—But Medlar pleaded custom in behalf of C, observing, that by the doctor's rule, we ought to change pudding into budding, because it is derived from the French word
boudin;
and in that case, why not retain the original orthography and pronounciation of all the foreign words we have adopted; by which means our language would become a dissonant jargon without standard or propriety. The controversy was referred to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to the contrary, decided it in favour of Wagtail: Upon which, the peevish annuitant arose, and uttering the monosyllable,
pish!
with great emphasis, removed to another table.
We then enquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the experiment of distilling tinderwater; and he told us, he had been at all the glass-houses about town, but could find no body who would undertake to blow a retort large enough to hold the third part of the quantity prescribed; but he intended to try the process on as much as would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to prove the specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair;—that he had already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in the reducing of which to tinder, he had met with a misfortune which had obliged him to change his lodgings: For he had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and set fire to them with a candle, on the supposition that the boards would sustain no damage, because it is the nature of flame to ascend; but by some very extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, and began to blaze with great violence, which disordered him so much, that he had not presence of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole house must have been consumed with him in the midst of it, had not the smoke that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the neighbourhood, and brought people to his succour.—That he had lost a pair of black velvet breeches and a tye-wig in the hurry, besides the expence of the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled to repair.—That his landlord believing him distracted, had insisted on his quitting his apartment at a minute's warning, which put him to incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable house, and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his tinder: So that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits of his labour.
After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the papers, we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained ourselves an hour or two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and after two or three turns, went back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that be intended to roast Medlar, at the ordinary; and indeed, we were no sooner set than this Cynic began to execute his purpose by telling the old gentleman, he looked extremely well, considering the little sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no reply, but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin;—and Banter went on thus:
"I don't know whether most to admire the charity of your mind, or the vigour of your body.—Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do generous things with the best taste of any man I know! You extend your compassion to real objects, and exact only such returns as they are capable of making.—You must know, gentlemen, (said he, turning to the company) I had been up most part of the night with a friend who is bad of a fever, and on my return home this morning, I chanced to pass by a gin-shop still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and jollity: Upon which I popped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing bare-headed in the midst of ten or twenty ragged Bunters, who rejoiced at his expence. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you ought not to sacrifice your constitution to your benevolence.—Consider you grow old apace; and therefore have a reverend care of your health, which must certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions."—
The testy senior could no longer contain himself, but cried hastily,
"'Tis well known that your tongue is no slander."—
"I think (said the other) you might spare that observation, as you are very sensible that my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions.—You may remember, that when you made your addresses to the fat widow, who kept a publick-house at Islington, there was a report spread very much to the prejudice of your manhood; which coming to the ears of your mistress, you was discarded immediately; and I brought matters to a reconciliation, by assuring her you had three bastards at nurse in the country: How you ruined your own affair afterwards, it is neither my business nor inclination to relate."—
This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter's own invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to every body present, and provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started up in a mighty passion, and forgetting that his mouth was full, bespattered those who sat next to him, while he discharged his indignation in a volly of oaths, and call'd Banter insignificant puppy, impertinent jackanapes, and an hundred such appellations; telling the company, he had invented these false malicious aspersions, because he would not lend him money to squander away upon rooks and whores.—
"A very likely story, (said Banter) that I should attempt to borrow money of a man who is obliged to practice a thousand shifts to make his weekly allowance hold out to Saturday's night. Sometimes he sleeps four and twenty hours at a stretch, by which means he saves three meals besides coffee-house expence.—Sometimes he is fain to put up with bread and cheese and small beer for dinner; and sometimes he regales on two pennyworth of ox-cheek in a cellar."—
"You are a lying miscreant (cried Medlar, in an exstacy of rage) I can always command money enough to pay your taylor's bill, which I'm sure is no trifle; and I have a good mind to give you a convincing proof of my circumstances, by prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah."—
By this time the violence of his wrath had deprived him of his appetite, and he sat silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his mortification, and encreased his chagrin, by advising him to lay in plentifully for his next day's fast.
Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee-room, and Banter went away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should see Wagtail and me in the evening at the Bedford coffee-house.—He was no sooner gone, than the old gentleman took me aside, and said, he was sorry to see me so intimate with that fellow who was one of the most graceless rakes about town, and had already wasted a good estate and constitution upon harlots;—that he had been the ruin of many a young man, by introducing them into debauched company, and setting a lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and that, unless I was on my guard, he would strip me in a short time, both of my money and reputation. I thanked him for his information, and promised to conduct myself accordingly, wishing however, his caution had been a few hours more early, by which means I might have saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to impute some part of the charge to Medlar's revenge for the liberties taken with him at dinner; and therefore, as soon as I could disengage myself, applied to Wagtail for his opinion of the character in question; resolved to compare their accounts, allowing for the prejudice of each, and form my judgment upon both, without adhering strictly to either.—The doctor assured me that he was a very pretty gentleman, of family and fortune; a scholar, a wit, a critick, and perfectly well acquainted with the town; that his honour and courage were unquestionable, though some extravagancies he had been guilty of, and his talent for satire, had procured him enemies, and made some people shy of his acquaintance.—From these different sketches, I concluded that Banter was a young fellow of some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retaine I his appetites, and fallen out with the world because he could not enjoy it to his wish.
I went to the Bedford coffee-house in the evening, where I met my friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried them home to my lodgings, where we supped with great harmony and satisfaction.
CHAP. XLIX.
I receive a challenge—the consequences of it—the quarrel being made up, I am put in arrest, by the care and affection of Strap—but immediately released upon explaining my affair—the behaviour of Mr. Oregan and his two friends—I visit Melinda, whom I divert with an account of the duel—I propose marriage—she refers the matter to her mother, of whom I make a solemn demand of her daughter—the old lady's behaviour—I am discarded, resent their disdain.
WHEN I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter, directed
To Mr. Random,
Esq
Those.
—Which, upon opening, I found contained a challenge, couched in these very extraordinary terms:
SIR,
WHereas, I am informed that you make love to Miss Melinda Goosetrap, This is to let you know, that she is under promise of marriage to me; and that I am at this present writing, at the back of Montaguehouse, with a pair of good pistols in my hand, and if you will keep your appointment, I will make your tongue confess (after the breath is out of your body) that you do not deserve her as well as
Yours, &c.
Rourk Oregan.
I guessed from the stile and subscription of this billet, that my rival was a true Milesian, and was not a little uneasy at the contents, especially that part, where he asserts his right to my mistress by promise, a circumstance I did not know how to reconcile to her penetration.—However, this was no time for me to decline the invitation, because the success of my addresses might in a great measure depend upon my behaviour in that affair. I therefore immediately loaded my pistols, and betook myself in a hackney-coach to the place appointed, where I found a tall raw-boned man, with a hard featured countenance, and black bushy beard, walking by himself, wrapped up in a shabby great coat, over which his own hair descended in a leathern queue from his head, that was covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a tarnished
pointe d'espagne.
He no sooner perceived me advancing, than without any preamble, he pulled a pistol from his bosom, and presenting at me, snapt it. Alarmed at this rude salutation, I made a stand, and before he could adjust his other piece, fired one of mine at him, without doing any damage. By this time he was ready with his second, that flashed in the pan without going off: Upon which he called, with a true Tipperary cadence,
"Fire away, honey,"—
and began to hammer his flint with great dedeliberation.—But I was resolved to make use of the advantage Fortune had given me; and therefore stept up, without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his life, or prepare for another world;—but this stout Hibernian refused to condescend, and complained bitterly of my having quitted my ground before he could return my shot; saying I ought to go back to my station, and let him have an equal chance with me.—I endeavoured to persuade him that I had given him a double chance already; and it was my business to prevent him from enjoying a third;—but now, since I had an opportunity, I demanded a parley, and desired to know his condition, and reason for calling me to the field, who, to the best of my remembrance, so far from having done him any injury, had never before seen him.—He told me, that he was a gentleman of fortune, who had spent all he had, and hearing that Melinda had got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself master of that sum by espousing her, and was determined, in an honourable way, to cut the throats of all those who stood between him and his hopes.—I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that I had seen him, being more and more astonished at the circumstance of the promise, desired he would explain that mystery:—He gave me to understand, that he trusted entirely to his birth and personal merit; that he had frequently wrote to Melinda, setting forth his claim and pretensions, but she was never kind enough to send an answer, or even to admit him into her presence; and that the promise he mentioned in his letter, was made by his friend Mr. Gaghagan, who assured him, that no woman could resist a man of his appearance.—I could not forbear laughing to excess, at the simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to relish my mirth; but began to be very serious: Upon which I endeavoured to appease him, by giving him my word and honour, that so far from prejudicing his addresses to the lady, I would represent him to her in the most favourable light I could, with any regard to truth; but he must not be surprized if she should remain blind to his deserts, for nothing was more capricious than a woman's mind, and the affection of that sex was seldom purchased with virtue alone.—That my declaration might have the better effect, I took notice of his dishabille, and professing sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipt two guineas into his hand, at the sight of which, he threw away his pistols, and hugging me in his arms, cried,
"Arrah, by Jesus, now, you are the best friend I have met with these seven long years."—
When I had suffered some minutes in his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty arms, wished the devil might burn him if ever he should give me any further trouble about woman-kind.
The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look at his pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that, I believe, it was happy for him neither of them was discharged, for one of them would certainly have split in the going off, and he would, in all probability, have lost his hand in the explosion; but what gave me a lively idea of the man's character, was to find, upon examination, that one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the other primed without a charge.
While we walked homeward together, I expressed a desire of knowing my new friend's history; and he informed me of his having served in the German army as a volunteer against the Turks; that for his behaviour at the siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured with an ensign's commission, and afterwards promoted to the rank of lieutenant, in which station, it was his misfortune to affront his captain, who challenged him to the field, and was killed in the duel, upon which he was obliged to retreat;—that he had been in England some years solliciting his friends for provision in the British army; but being hitherto unsuccessful, he was desired by Mr. Gaghagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, and make his fortune by an advantageous match; in consequence of which advice, he had made up to Melinda, and having heard, by means of an Irish footman in the family, that I was her chief favourite, had called me out in hopes of removing by my death, the greatest obstruction to his desires; but now he was convinced of my honour and generosity, he swore by the blessed Virgin, he would think of her no more, if there was not another woman in the world.—As a further proof of his veracity, which I did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled out his commission in the imperial army, and his captain's challenge, which he preserved as testimonials of his character.—I was so well convinced of this poor man's honesty and courage, that I determined to speak in his behalf to some of my acquaintance, who might recommend his case to the consideration of those who could provide for him; and in the mean time to accommodate him with a few cloaths, by which his appearance would be much mended, and himself enabled to renew his solicitations in person.
As we walked along, conversing socially together, we were met by a file of Musqueteers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached, than with a frantick look, he cried,
"Seize them!—in the name of God! seize them"—
We were accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest by the corporal, who was commanding officer; but captain Oregan disengaged himself, and run with such speed towards Tottenham-court-road, that he was out of sight in a moment. When my arms were delivered up, and myself secured, Strap became a little more composed, and asked pardon for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I would excuse, as it proceeded from his affection: He then told me that, suspecting the letter (which by the bye was brought by the author himself) contained something extraordinary, he had peeped through the key-hole, and seen me load my pistols; upon which he run down to Whitehall, and applied to the officer on guard, for a party to put me in arrest, but before he returned, I was gone in a coach; that he had enquired which way I went, and having often heard, that duels were commonly fought at the back of Montague-house, he conducted the guard to this place, where he thanked God for having found me safe and sound. I let him know, that I forgave his officious concern for once, but cautioned him in pretty severe terms, from making me the subject of idle conversation for the future; then, turning to the corporal, I thanked him for his care, and gave hime a crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the rencontre was over long before he came up, and every thing compromised, as he might have observed by our behaviour; as a farther proof of which, he would find upon examination, that one of my pistols had been discharged;—but this civil person, without giving himself or me any further trouble, received the bounty with a thousand bows and acknowledgments, and returning the pistols, released me immediately.
He was not gone an hundred yards, when my friend Oregan came up, in order to rescue me, with two Tatterdemalions whom he had engaged for that purpose, about the purlieus of St. Giles's: One of them was armed with a musket that wanted a lock, and another with a rusty broadsword; but their dress surpassed all description.—When he understood I was already free, he made an apology for his abrupt departure, and introduced me to his two companions: First, to counsellor Fitz-clabber, who, he told me, was then employed in compiling a history of the kings of Munster, from Irish manuscripts; and then to his friend Mr. Gaghagan, who was a profound philosopher and politician, and had projected many excellent schemes for the good of his country.—But it seems these literati had been very ill rewarded for their ingenious labours; for between them both, there was but one shirt and half a pair of breeches.—I thanked them very kindly for their readiness to assist me, and having offered my service in my turn, wished them a good-morrow, desiring Oregan to accompany me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with decent cloaths from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal gratitude and friendship to me, and at my request, recounted all the adventures of his life.
In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received me with great kindness and familiarity, and laughed excessively at my adventure with the Irishman, to whose wishes she was no stranger, having more than a dozen letters in her possession, which he had wrote to her on the subject of love, and which, for my entertainment, she submitted to my perusal.—Having made ourselves merry at the expence of this poor admirer, I seized the opportunity of her mother's going out of the room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended to her with all the ardour and eloquence I was master of.—I flattered, sighed, swore, intreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies, in hopes of making some impression on her heart; but she heard every thing I said without discovering the least emotion; and other company came in, before she would vouchsafe one serious reply.—After tea, the cards were brought in according to custom, and it was my good fortune to have Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead of losing, I came off with five guineas clear gain.
I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and spent my time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays, operas, masquerades, drums, assemblies and puppetshews; chiefly in company with Melinda, whom I cultivated with all the eagerness and address that my prospect could inspire, and my education afford: I spared neither my person nor my purse, to gratify her vanity and pride; my rivals were intimidated, and indeed out-shone; and after all, I began to fear that the dear creature had not a heart to lose.—At last, finding myself unable to support the expence of this amour much longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and one evening, while we were
tête a tête,
complained of her indifference, described the tortures of suspence to a love-sick mind, and pressed her to disclose her sentiments of matrimony and me, with such earnestness, that she could not with all her art, shift the subject; but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement.—She let me know with a careless air, that she had no objection to my person, and if I could satisfy her mother in other particulars, I should not find her averse to the match; but she was resolved to do nothing in an affair of such moment'ous concern, without the advice and consent of her parent.—This was not a very agreeable declaration to me, whose aim had been to win her inclination first, and then secure my conquest by a private marriage, to which I flattered myself she would express no reluctance.—That I might not, however, desert my cause before it was desperate, I waited on the mother, and with great formality demanded the daughter in marriage: The good lady, who was a very notable woman, behaved with great state and civility; thanked me for the honour I intended her family, and said, she did not doubt that I was in all respects qualified to make a woman happy; but it concerned her as a parent anxious about the welfare of her child, to enquire into the particulars of my fortune, and know what settlement I proposed to make. To this intimation, which would have utterly disconcerted me, if I had not expected it, I replied without hesitation, that though my fortune was very small, I was a gentleman by birth and education, would maintain her daughter in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry on her and her heirs for ever.—This careful matron did not seem to relish my proposal, but observed with a demure countenance, that there was no necessity for settling that upon her child which was her own already: However, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer with mine upon the matter; and in the mean time, she desired I would favour her with the perusal of my rent-roll.—Notwithstanding the vexation I was under, I could scarce forbear laughing in her face, at the mention of my rentroll, which was, indeed, a severe piece of satire upon my pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate: and told her, that I could not exactly specify the sum I was master of, until I had regulated my affairs, which were at present in some disorder; but that I would take an opportunity of satisfying her on that head very soon.
It was not long before I took my leave, and returned to my lodgings in a very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more to expect from that quarter: I was confirmed in this opinion next day, when I went back with a view of explaining myself more fully to the old gentlewoman; and was told by the footman, that his ladies were not at home, although I had seen Melinda through the blinds of a parlour window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this affront I quitted the door, without saying one word, and as I repassed the parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained in the same situation, securely screened, as she thought, from my view.
This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap's account, than my own; for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda; on the contrary, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa, was a continual check upon my conscience, during the whole course of my addresses; and perhaps contributed to the bad success of my scheme, by controuling my raptures, and condemning my design.
There was a necessity for acquainting my companion with every thing that happened to me, and I performed this piece of duty in an affected passion, swearing I would be his pack-horse no longer, and desiring him to take the management of his affairs into his own hand. This finesse had the desired effect, for instead of grumbling over my miscarriage, Strap was frightened at the passion I feigned, and begged me for the love of God to be appeased; observing, that although we had suffered a great loss, it was not irreparable; and if fortune frowned to day, she might perhaps smile to-morrow.—I pretended to acquiesce in his remarks, praise his equanimity, and promise to improve by misfortune.—He, on the other hand, pretended to be perfectly well satisfied with my conduct, and conjured me to follow the dictates of my own reflection; but in spite of all his affectation, I could perceive his inward affliction, and his visage sensibly increased in longitude from that day.
CHAP. L.
I long to be revenged on Melinda—apply to Banter for his assistance—he contrives a scheme for that purpose, which is put in execution with great success—I make an attempt on the heart of Miss Gripewell, but an disappointed—I grow melancholy at my disappointment, and have recourse to the Bottle—receive a billet doux—am ravished with the contents—find myself involved in an intrigue, which I imagined would make my fortune—am confounded at my mistake, which banishes all thoughts of matrimony.
IN the mean time, my attention was wholly engrossed in search of another mistress, and the desire of being revenged on Melinda, in both which schemes I was very much assisted by Billy Chatter, who was such a necessary creature among the ladies, that in all private dances he engaged the men.—To him therefore I applied, desiring he would introduce me to a partner of some figure, at the next private assembly, for the sake of a frolick, the intention of which I would afterwards communicate. Billy, who had heard something of a difference between Melinda and me, immediately smoaked part of my design, and thinking I only wanted to alarm her jealousy a little, promised to gratify my desire, by matching me with a partner worth thirty thousand pounds, whom the ladies of this end of the town, had lately taken into their management and protection.—Upon further inquiry, I found this person's name was Miss Biddy Gripewell; that her father, who had been a pawnbroker, died intestate, by which means all his substance descended to this daughter, who was so little a favourite, that could the old man have prevailed with his own rapacious disposition, to part with as much money as would have paid the expence of a will, she would not have inherited the sixth part of his fortune;—that during his life, so far from being educated in a way suitable to such great expectations, she was obliged to live like a servant wench, and do the most menial offices in the family.—But his funeral was no sooner performed, than she assumed the fine lady, and found so many people of both sexes, to flatter, caress and instruct her, that, for want of discretion and experience, she was grown insufferably vain and arrogant, and pretended to no less than a duke or earl at least, for her husband;—that she had the misfortune to be neglected by the English quality, but a certain poor Scottish Lord was then making interest to be introduced to her acquaintance.—In the mean time, she was fallen into the hands of a notable lady, who had already disposed of her to a lieutenant of foot, a distant relation of her ladyship's, though Miss, as yet, knew nothing of the affair; and lastly, that if I proposed to dance with her, I must give him leave to represent me as a knight or foreign count at least.—I was ravished at this piece of information, and contented, for one night, to personate a French Marquis, that I might the easier fulfil my revenge.
Having made the appointment with Chatter, I went to Banter's lodgings, having by this time conceived a great opinion of his penetration and knowledge; and after I had injoined secrecy, told him every circumstance of my disgrace with Melinda, and imparted the plan I had projected to mortify that proud coquette, desiring his advice in improving, and assistance in executing the scheme.—Nothing could be more agreeable to his misanthropical temper, than an account of her behaviour and my resentment: He applauded my resolution, and proposed that I should not only provide myself in a proper partner, but also procure such an one for Miss Goosetrap, as would infallibly intail upon her the ridicule of all her acquaintance: For this purpose he mentioned his barber, who, he said, was an exceeding coxcomb, lately come from Paris, whose absurd affectation and grimace would easily pass upon her, for the sprightly politesse of a gentleman improved by travel.—I hugged him for this hint; and he assured me, it would be no difficult matter to make him believe, that Melinda having seen him by accident, was captivated by his appearance, and longed for his acquaintance.—He actually engaged him on this pretence, and painted his good fortune in such colours, that the poor shaver was quite beside himself with joy,—He was immediately fitted with a tawdry suit of cloaths belonging to Banter, and by him recommended to Chatter, as a very pretty fellow, just returned from his travels.—Master Billy, who acted as gentleman-usher to a great many of the fair sex in and about town undertook, at once, to bespeak Melinda in his behalf; and every thing happened according to my wish.
At the time appointed, I appeared, dressed to the best advantage; and in the character of Marquis, had the honour of opening the ball with the rich heiress, who attracted the eyes of the whole company, by the prodigious number of jewels with which she was adorned.—Among others, I perceived Melinda, who could no more conceal her envy than astonishment at my success: Her curiosity was still more flagrant and tormenting, for she had never seen Miss Gripewell before; and Chatter, who alone could give her any satisfaction on that head, was engaged in conversation at the other end of the room.—I observed her impatience, and exulted in her chagrin; and after my partner was set, took the opportunity of passing by her to make a slight bow without stopping; which compleated my triumph and her indignation. She changed colour, bridled up, assumed an air of disdain, and flirted her fan with such fury, that it went to pieces in a moment, to the no small entertainment of those who sat near and observed her.
At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted his part with such ridiculous extravagance, that the mirth of the whole company was excited at his expence, and his partner so much ashamed, that before the country dances began, she retired in great confusion, under pretence of being taken suddenly ill, and was followed by her gallant, who no doubt, imagined her indisposition was nothing but love; and laid hold of the occasion of conducting her home, to comfort her, with an assurance of his entertaining a reciprocal passion.—They were no sooner gone, than an inquisitive whisper of
"Who is he?"
run round the room; and Chaster could give them no other intelligence about him, than that he was a man of fortune, just returned from his travels: I, who alone was acquainted with his real quality, affected ignorance, well knowing that female curiosity would not rest satisfied with such a general account, and that the discovery would proceed with a better grace from any body than me.
Mean while, I was tempted by the richness of the prize, to practise upon Miss Gripewell's heart, but soon found it too well fortified with pride and indifference to yield to any efforts in my own character, and I neither would nor could preserve the title I had borrowed, longer than this night.
As I expected, every thing came to light next day: The barber, in pure simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered the foundation of his hopes; she sickened at the affront, and was ashamed to shew her face in publick for many weeks after this accident. Poor Chatter found it impossible to justify himself to her satisfaction; was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell, for having imposed me upon her as a nobleman; and suffered very much in his character and influence among the ladies in general.
Finding my finances diminished more than one half, and my project as little advanced as on the first day of my arrival in town, I began to despair of my success, and grew melancholy at the prospect of approaching want.—To dispel the horrors of this fiend, I had recourse to the bottle, and kept more company than ever.—I became particularly attached to the play-house, conversed with the actors behind the scenes, got acquainted with a body of templars, and in a short time commenced a professed wit and critick. Indeed I may say without vanity, that I was much better qualified than any one of my companions, who were, generally speaking, of all the creatures I ever conversed with, the most ignorant and assuming.—By means of these avocations I got the better of care, and learned to separate my ideas in such a manner, that whenever I was attacked by a gloomy reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some agreeable reverie to my assistance.—This was not the case with Strap, who practised a thousand shifts to conceal the sorrow that preyed upon his carcass, and reduced him to the resemblance of a meer skeleton.
While I thus posted, in a thoughtless manner, towards poverty, I one day received, by the penny-post, a letter written in a woman's hand, containing a great many high-flown compliments, warm protestations of love, couched in a very poetical stile, an earnest desire of knowing whether or not my heart was engaged, by leaving an answer at a certain place directed to R. B. and the whole subscribed,
"Your incognita."
I was transported with joy on reading the contents of this billet doux, which I admired as a master-piece of tenderness and elegance, and was already up to the ears in love with the author, whom my imagination represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom of youth and beauty.—Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work and exhausted my invention in composing an answer suitable to the sublimity of her stile, and the ardour of her sentiments.—I expressed my admiration of her wit, in terms the most hyperbolical, and while I acknowledged myself unworthy of her regard, declared myself enamoured of her understanding; and in the most pathetick manner, implored the honour of an interview.—Having finished this performance, and communicated it to Strap, who skipped about for joy, I dispatched him with it to the place appointed, which was the house of a milliner not far from Bond-street, and desired him to keep watch near the door for some time, that he might discover the person who would call for it.—In less than an hour he returned, with a joyful countenance, and told me, that soon after he had delivered the letter a chairman was called, to whom it was given, with directions to carry it to the house of a rich gentleman in the neighbourhood, whither he (Strap) followed him, and saw it put into the hands of a waiting-woman, who paid the messenger and shut the door;—That upon inquiry at an ale-house hard by, where he called for a pint of beer, he understood, that the gentleman to whom the house belonged had an only daughter, very handsome, who would inherit his whole estate; and who certainly was the author of the billet I had received.—I was of the same opinion, and huging myself in the happy prospect, dressed immediately, and passed in great state by the house that contained my unknown admirer.—Nor was my vanity disappointed; for I perceived a beautiful young creature standing at one of the windows of the dining-room, who, I imagined, observed me with more than common curiosity. That I might indulge her view, and at the same time feast my own, I affected to stop, and give orders to Strap, in the street, just opposite to her station, by which means I had an opportunity of seeing her more distinctly, and of congratulating myself on having made a conquest of so much perfection. —In a few moments she retired, and I betook myself to the ordinary, in a rapture of hope, which deprived me of my appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the evening to indulge my contemplation.
Early next day, I was favoured with another epistle from my unknown charmer, signifying her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine, which, while it made a tender of my heart, convinced her of the value of it. Above all things, she professed extreme pleasure in finding me so much attached to her understanding, a circumstance that not only flattered her in the most sensible part, but at the same time argued my own sagacity.—As for the interview I desired, she assured me, that I could not be more eager for such an occasion than she; but she must not only sacrifice a little more to decorum, but be satisfied of my honourable intentions, before she would grant that request: Mean while, she gave me to understand, that although she might owe some deference to the opinion of certain persons, she was resolved, in an affair that so nearly concerned her happiness, to consult her own inclination, preferably to the advice of the whole world; especially, as she was urged to such condescension by no consideration of fortune, what she depended upon, being her own without restriction or controul.—Struck with admiration at the philosophy and selfdenial of my mistress, who seemed insensible of the beauty she possessed; and in particular, ravished with that piece of intelligence, by which I learned her fortune was independent, I resumed the pen, launched out into encomiums on the dignity of her sentiments, affected to undervalue the charms of external beauty, pretended to ground my passion on the qualities of her mind; complained of her rigour, in sacrificing my repose to an overscrupulous regard to decorum, and declared the purity of my designs in the most solemn and pathetic vows.—This performance being sealed and directed, was sent to the place appointed, by Strap, who, that we might be still the more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a little time brought back the same information as before, with this addition, that Miss Sparkle, (the name of my supposed correspondent) looking out at the window, no sooner saw the messenger arrive, than she shut the casement in a sort of beautiful confusion, and disappeared; eager, no doubt, to hear from the dear object of her love.
My doubts now vanished, the long expected port appeared, and I looked upon myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I had been in quest of so long.—After dinner, I sauntered in company with doctor Wagtail, to that part of the town in which my inamorata lived; and as he was a meer register, enquired of him into the name, character and fortune of every body who possessed a good house in the streets through which we passed: When it came to his turn to mention Sir John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense estate and narrow disposition, who mewed up his only child, a fine young lady, from the conversation of mankind, under the strict watch and inspection of an old gouvernante, who was either so honest, envious or insatiable, that no body had been, as yet, able to make her a friend, or get access to her charge, though numbers attempted it every day; not so much on account of her expectations from her father, who being a widower, might marry again, and have sons, as for a fortune of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle, of which she could not be deprived.—This piece of news exactly tallying with the last part of the letter I had been honoured with in the morning, had such an effect on me, that any man, except Wagtail, might have observed my emotion; but his attention was too much engrossed on the contemplation of his own importance, to be affected with the deportment of any other body, unless it happened to be so particular, that he could not help taking notice of it.
When I had disengaged myself from him, whose conversation grew insipid to me, I went home, and made Strap acquainted with the fruits of my researches.—This faithful Squire was almost choaked with transport, and even wept for joy; but whether on account of himself or me, I shall not pretend to determine.—Next day a third
billet doux
was brought to me, containing many expressions of tenderness, mingled with some affecting doubts about the artifice of man, the inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often attending the most sincere passion; withal desiring I would excuse her, if she should try me a little longer, before she declared herself beyond the power of retracting.—These interesting scruples added fuel to my flame, and impatience to my hope; I redoubled my complaints of her indifference, and pressed her to an assignation, with such fervid intreaties, that in a few days, she consented to meet me at the house of that milliner, who had forwarded all my letters.—During the interval between the date of her promise, and the hour of appointment, my pride soarod beyond all reason and description; I lost all remembrance of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts were wholly employed in planning triumphs over the malice and contempt of the world.
At length the happy hour arrived, I flew to the place of rendezvous, and was conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten minutes, when I heard the rustling of silk and the sound of feet ascending the stairs: My heart took the alarm, and beat quick, my cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees shook with exstasy! I perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat advance, and sprung forward to embrace my charmer.—Heaven and earth! how shall I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into a wrinkled hag turned of seventy! I was struck dumb with amazement, and petrified with horror! This ancient urganda perceived my disorder, and approaching with a languishing air, seized my hand, asking in a squeaking tone, if I was indisposed.—Her monstrous affectation compleated the disgust I had conceived for her at her first appearance; and it was a long time before I could command myself so much, as to behave with common civility: At length, however, I recollected myself and pronounced an apology for my behaviour, which, I said, proceeded from a dizziness that seized me all of a sudden.—My hoary Dulcinea, who, no doubt, had been alarmed at my confusion, no sooner learned the cause to which I now ascribed it, than she discovered her joy in a thousand amorous coquettries, and assumed the sprightly arts of a girl of sixteen. One while, she ogled me with her dim eyes, quenched in rheum; then, as if she was ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look down, blush, and play with her fan, then toss her head that I might not perceive a palsy that shook it, ask some childish questions with a lisping accent, giggle and grin with her mouth shut, to conceal the ravages of time upon her teeth, leer upon me again, sigh piteously, fling herself about in her chair to shew her agility, and act a great many more absurdities that youth and beauty can alone excuse.—Shocked as I was at my disappointment, my disposition was incapable of affronting any person who loved me; I therefore endeavoured to put a good face on the matter for the present, resolved to drop the whole affair as soon as I should get clear of her company; with this view, I uttered some civil things, and in particular desired to know the name and condition of the lady who had honoured me so much.—She told me her name was Withers, that she lived with Sir John Sparkle in quality of governess to his only daughter, in which situation she had picked up a comfortable sufficiency to make her easy for life; that she had the pleasure of seeing me at church, where my appearance and deportment made such an impression upon her heart, that she could enjoy no ease until she had inquired into my character, which she found so amiable in all respects, that she yielded to the violence of her inclination, and ventured to declare her passion, with too little regard, perhaps, to the decorum of her sex; but she hoped I would forgive a trespass, of which I myself was, in some measure, the cause, and impute her intrusion to the irresistible dictates of love.—No decayed rake ever swallowed a bolus with more reluctance than I felt in making a reply suitable to the compliment, when instead of the jewel, I found the crazy casket only in my power; and yet my hopes began to revive a little, when I considered, that by carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the Duenna, I might possibly get access to her charge. Encouraged by this suggestion, my temper grew more serene, my reserve wore off, I talked
en cavalier,
and even made love to this antiquated coquette, who seemed extremely happy in her adorer, and spread all her allurements to make her imagined conquest more secure.—The good woman of the house treated us with tea and sweet-meats, and afterwards withdrew, like a civil experienced matron as she was.—Left thus to our mutual endearments, Miss Withers (for she was still a maiden) began to talk of matrimony, and expressed so much impatience in all her behaviour, that, had she been fifty years younger, I might possibly have gratified her longing without having recourse to the church; but this my virtue as well as interest forbad. When the inclinations or an old maid settle upon a young fellow, he is persecuted with her addresses; but, should he once grant her the favour, he will never be able to disentangle himself from her importunities and reproaches. It was my business to defer the ceremony as long as possible under the most specious pretences, with a view of becoming acquainted with Miss Sparkle, in the mean time; and I did not despair of success, when I considered, that in the course of our correspondence I would, in all probability, be invited to visit my mistress in her own apartment, and by that means have an opportunity of conversing with her charming ward. Pleased with this prospect, my heart dilated with joy, I talked in raptures to the stale gouvernante, and kissed her shriveled hand with great devotion: She was so much transported with her good fortune, that she could not contain her exstasy, but flew upon me like a tygeress, and pressed her skinny lips to mine; when (as it was no doubt concerted by her evil genius) a dose of garlick she had swallowed that morning, to dispel wind I suppose, began to operate with such a sudden explosion, that human nature, circumstanced as I was, could not endure the shock with any degree of temper.—I lost all patience and reflection, flung away from her in an instant, snatched my hat and cane, and run down stairs as the devil had me in pursuit, and could scarce restrain the convulsion of my bowels, which were grievously offended by the persume that assaulted me.—Strap, who waited my return with impatience, seeing me arrive in the utmost disorder, stood motionless with apprehension, and durst not enquire into the cause.
After I had washed my mouth more than once, and recruited my spirits with a glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular of what had happened; to which he made no other reply, for some time, than lifting up his eyes, clasping his hands, and uttering a hollow groan.—At length he observed, in a melancholy tone, that it was a thousand pities my organs were so delicate as to be offended with the smell of garlick:
"Ah! God help us (said he) 'tis not the steams of garlick, no, nor of something else, that would give me the least uneasiness—see what it is to be a cobler's son."—
I replied hastily,
"I wish then, you would go and retrieve my miscarriage."—
At this he started, forced a smile, and left the room, shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman resented my abrupt departure so much, that her love changed into disdain, or was ashamed to see me on account of her infirmity, I know not, but I was never troubled again with her passion.
CHAP. LI.
I cultivate an acquaintance with two noblemen—am introduced to Earl Strutwell—his kind promise and invitation—the behaviour of his porter and lacquey—he receives me with an appearance of uncommon affection—undertakes to speak in my behalf to the minister—informs me of his success, and wishes me joy—introduces a conversation about Petronius Arbiter—falls in love with my watch, which I press upon him—I make a present of a diamond ring to lord Straddle—impart my good fortune to Strap and Banter, who dissabuses me, to my utter mortification.
BAFFLED hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my talents for the science of fortune-hunting, and to bend my thoughts towards some employment under the government.—With the view of procuring which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court.—I found these young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire: I accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with them at taverns, where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.
I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some sine-cure; and to solicit their influence in my behalf.—Swillpot squeezing my hand, said, I might depend upon his service, by G—d. The other swore that no man would be more proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by these declarations I ventured to express an inclination to be introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my business at once. Swillpot frankly owned he had not spoke to his father these three years; and Straddle assured me his father having lately disobliged the Minister by subscribing his name to a protest in the house of peers, was thereby rendered incapable of serving his friends at present; but he undertook to make me acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person that ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, and plied him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that he found himself under a necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levee of this great man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependants, and was ushered to a particular closet audience; from whence in a few minutes, he returned with his lordship, who took me by the hand, assured me he would do me all the service he could, and desired to see me often.—I was charmed with my reception, and although I had heard that a courtier's promise is not to be depended upon, I thought I discovered so much sweetness of temper and candour in this Earl's countenance, that I did not doubt of profiting by his protection.—I resolved therefore, to avail myself of his permission, and waited on him next audience day, when I was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted half an hour's conversation with me
tête a tête,
when he should be disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of chocolate with him tomorrow morning.—This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his lordship's house at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like soldiers in a breach, to dispute my passage.—I demanded to know if his lord was stirring?—He answered with a surly aspect,
"No."—
"At what hour does he commonly rise? (said I)"—
"Sometimes sooner, sometimes later (said he, closing the door upon me by degrees.)"—
I then told him I was come by his lordship's own appointment; to which this Cerberus replied,
"I have received no orders about the matter;"
and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I recollected myself all of a sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a favour that he would enquire and let me know whether or not the Earl was up. The grim janitor relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the indifference of a tax-gatherer, and shewed me into a parlour, where, he said, I might amuse myself till such time as his lord should be awake.—I had not sat ten minutes in this place, when a footman entered, and without speaking, stared at me; I interpreted this piece of his behaviour into
"Pray, Sir, what is your business?"
and asked the same question I had put to the porter, when I accosted him first. The lacquey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get any further intelligence.—In a little time he returned, on pretence of poking the fire, and looked at me again with great earnestness; upon which I began to perceive his meaning, and tipping him with half a crown, desired he would be so good as to fall upon some method of letting the Earl know that I was in the house.—He made a low bow, said,
"Yes, Sir,"
and vanished.—This bounty was not thrown away, for in an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was received with great kindness and familiarity by his lordship, whom I found just risen, in his morning gown and slippers.—After breakfast, he entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels, the remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my understanding.—My answers seemed to please him very much, he frequently squeezed my hand, and looking at me with a singular complacency in his countenance, bid me depend upon his good offices with the ministry in my behalf.
"Young men of your qualifications (said he) ought to be cherished by every administration—For my own part, I see so little merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim, to encourage the least appearance of genius and virtue, to the utmost of my power—You have a great deal of both; and will not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not mistaken; but you must lay your account with mounting by gradual steps to the summit of your fortune.—
Rome was not built in a day.
—As you understand the languages perfectly well, how would you like to cross the sea, as secretary to an embassy?"—
I assured his lordship, with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my inclination: Upon which he bid me make myself easy, my business was done, for he had a place of that kind in his view.—This piece of generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time to express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledgments of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his benevolence.—I could not even help shedding tears, at the goodness of this noble lord, who no sooner perceived them, than he caught me in his arms, hugged and kissed me with a seemingly paternal affection.—Consounded at this uncommon instance of fondness for a stranger, I remained a few moments silent and ashamed, then got up and took my leave, after he had assured me that he would speak to the Minister in my favour, that very day; and desired that I would not for the future give myself the trouble of attending at his levée, but come at the same hour every day, when he was at leisure, which was three times a week.
Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my prospect from every body, even from Strap, until I should be more certain of success; and in the mean time, give my patron no respite from my sollicitations.—When I renewed my visit, I found the street door opened to me as if by enchantment; but in my passage towards the presence-room, I was met by the
valet de chambre,
who cast some furious looks at me, the meaning of which I could not comprehend. The Earl saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace, and wished me joy of his success with the Premier, who, he said, had preferred his recommendation to that of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of their respective friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a certain foreign court in quality of secretary to an embassador and plenipotentiary, who would set out in a few weeks, on an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was thunder-struck with my good fortune, and could make no other reply, than kneel and attempt to kiss my benefactor's hand, which he would not permit, but raising me up, pressed me to his breast with surprizing emotion, and told me he had now taken upon himself the care of making my fortune.—What inhanced the value of the benefit still the more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting the conversation to another subject: Among other topicks of discourse, that of the
Belle Lettre
was introduced, upon which his lordship held forth with great taste and erudition, and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors of antiquity.—
"Here's a book (said he, taking one from his bosom) written with great elegance and spirit, and though the subject may give offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will always be held in esteem by every person of sense and learning."
So saying, he put into my hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and manner.—I told him, that in my opinion, he wrote with great ease and vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent, that he ought to find no quarter or protection among people of morals and taste.—
"I own (replied the Earl) that his taste in love is generally decried, and indeed condemned by our laws; but perhaps that may be more owing to prejudice and misapprehension, than to true reason and deliberation.—The best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that passion; one of the wisest of their legislators has permitted the indulgence of it in his commonwealth; the most celebrated poets have not scrupled to avow it at this day; it prevails not only over all the east, but in most parts of Europe; in our own country it gains ground apace, and in all probability will become in a short time a more fashionable vice than simple fornication.—Indeed there is something to be said in vindication of it, for notwithstanding the severity of the law against offenders in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this passion is unattended with that curse and burthen upon society, which proceeds from a race of miserable deserted bastards, who are either murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and wretchedness, or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth: And it likewise prevents the debauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of honest men's wives; not to mention the consideration of health, which is much less liable to be impaired in the gratification of this appetite, than in the exercise of common venery, which by ruining the constitutions of our young men, has produced a puny progeny that degenerates from generation to generation: Nay, I have been told, that there is another motive perhaps more powerful than all these, that induces people to cultivate this inclination; namely, the exquisite pleasure attending its success."
From this discourse, I began to be apprehensive that his lordship finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have been infected with this spurious and sordid desire abroad, and took this method of sounding my sentiments on the subject.—Fired at this supposed suspicion, I argued against it with great warmth, as an appetite unnatural, absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared my utter detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the satyrist.
"Eternal infamy the wretch confound
"Who planted first, this vice on British ground!
"A vice! that 'spite of sense and nature reigns,
"And poisons genial love, and manhood stains!"
The Earl smiled at my indignation, told me he was glad to find my opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what he had advanced was only to provoke me to an answer, with which he professed himself perfectly well pleased.
After I had enjoyed a long audience, I happened to look at my watch, in order to regulate my motions by it; and his lordship observing the chased case, desired to see the device, and examine the execution, which he approved with some expressions of admiration.—Considering the obligations I lay under to his lordship, I thought there could not be a fitter opportunity than the present to manifest, in some shape, my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do me the honour to accept of the watch as a small testimony of the sense I had of his lordship's generosity; but he refused it in a peremptory manner, and said he was sorry I should entertain such a mercenary opinion of him, observing at the same time, that it was the most beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen; and desiring to know where he could have such another.—I begged a thousand pardons for the freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to nothing else than the highest veneration for his person—let him know that as it came to my hand by accident in France, I could give him no information about the maker, for there was no name on the inside; and once more humbly entreated that he would indulge me so far as to use it for my sake.—He was still positive in refusing it; but was pleased to thank me for my generous offer, saying, it was a present that no nobleman needed be ashamed of receiving; though he was resolved to shew his disinterestedness with regard to me, for whom he had conceived a particular friendship; and insisted (if I was willing to part with the watch) upon knowing what it cost, that he might at least indemnify me, by refunding the money. On the other hand, I assured his lordship, that I would look upon it as an uncommon mark of distinction, if he would take it without further question; and rather than disoblige me, he was at last persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my no small satisfaction, who took my leave immediately, after having received a kind squeeze, and an injunction to depend upon his promise.
Buoyed up with my reception, my heart opened, I gave away a guinea among the lacqueys, who escorted me to the door, flew to the lodgings of Lord Straddle, upon whom I forced my diamond ring, as an acknowledgment for the great service he had done me, and from thence hied myself home, with an intent of sharing my happiness with honest Strap.—I determined, however, to heighten his pleasure by depressing his spirits at first, and then bringing in the good news with double relish.—For this purpose, I affected the appearance of disappointment and chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner, that I had lost the watch and diamond. Poor Hugh, who had been already harrassed into a consumption by intelligence of this sort, no sooner heard these words, than, unable to contain himself, he cried with distraction in his looks,
"God in heaven forbid!"—
I could carry on the farce no longer, but laughing in his face, told him every thing that had befallen, as above recited. His features were immediately unbended, and the transition so affecting, that he wept with joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the appellations of Jewel, Phoenix,
Rara avis,
and praising God, that there was still some virtue left among our nobility.—Our mutual congratulations being over, we gave way to our imagination, and anticipated our happiness by prosecuting my success through the different steps of promotion, till I arrived at the rank of a prime minister, and he to that of my first secretary.
Intoxicated with these ideas I went to the ordinary, where, meeting with Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him, concluding with an assurance that I would do him all the service in my power.—He heard me to an end with great patience, then regarding me a good while with a look of disdain, pronounced,
"So, your business is done, you think?"—
"As good as done, I believe, (said I.)"—
"I'll tell you (replied he) what will do it still more effectually—A halter—'Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such scoundrels as Strutwell and Straddle, I would without any more ado tuck myself up."
Shocked at this exclamation, I desired him with some confusion to explain himself: Upon which he gave me to understand, that Straddle was a poor contemptible wretch, who lived by borrowing and pimping to his fellow peers; that in consequence of this last capacity, he had, doubtless, introduced me to Strutwell, who was so notorious for a passion for his own sex, that he was amazed his character had never reached my ears; and that so far from being able to obtain for me the post he had promised, his interest at court was so low, that he could scarce provide for a superannuated footman once a year, in Chelsea-hospital;—that it was a common thing for him to amuse strangers whom his jack-calls run down, with such assurances and caresses as he had bestowed on me, until he had stript them of their cash and every thing valuable about them;—very often of their chastity, and then leave them a prey to want and infamy;—that he allowed his servants no other wages than that part of the spoil which they could glean by their industry; and that the whole of his conduct towards me was so glaring, that no body who knew any thing of mankind could have been imposed upon by his insinuations.
I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of information, which precipitated me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to the lowest abyss of despondence; and well nigh determined me to take Banter's advice, and finish my chagrin with a halter.—I had no room to suspect the veracity of my friend, because upon recollection, I found every circumstance of Strutwell's behaviour, exactly tallying with the character he had described: His hugs, embraces, squeezes and eager looks, were now no longer a
ystery; no more than his defence of Petro
ius, and the jealous frown of his
valet de cham
re,
who, it seems, was at present the favourite
athic of his lord.
CHAP. LII.
I attempt to recover my watch and jewel, but to no purpose—resolve to revenge myself on Strutwell by my importunity—am reduced to my last guinea—obliged to inform Strap of my necessity, who is almost distracted with the news—but nevertheless obliged to pawn my best sword for present subsistence—that small supply being exhausted, I am almost stupified with my misfortunes—go to the gaming table, by the advice of Banter, and come off with unexpected success—Strap's exstacy—Mrs. Gawkey waits upon me, professes remorse for her perfidy, and implores my assistance—I do myself a piece of justice by her means, and afterwards reconcile her to her father.
I Was so confounded that I could make no reply to Banter, who reproached me with great indignation, for having thrown away upon rascals, that which, had it been converted into ready money, would have supported the rank of a gentleman for some months, and enabled me, at the same time, to oblige my friends.—Stupified as I was, I could easily divine the source of his concern, but sneaked away in a solitary manner, without yielding the least answer to his expostulations; and began to deliberate with myself, in what manner I should attempt to retrieve the moveables I had so foolishly lost.—I would have thought it no robbery to take them again by force, could I have done it without any danger of being detected; but as I could have no such opportunity, I resolved to work by finesse, and go immediately to the lodgings of Straddle, where I was so fortunate as to find him.—
"My Lord, (said I) I have just now recollected, that the diamond I had the honour of presenting to you, is loosened a little in the socket, and there is a young fellow just arrived from Paris, who is reckoned the best jeweller in Europe; I knew him in France, and if your lordship will give me leave, will carry the ring to him to be set to rights."—
His lordship was not to be caught in this snare—he thanked me for my offer, and let me know, that having himself observed the defect, he had already sent it to his own jeweller to be mended.—And indeed, by this time, I believe it was in the jeweller's hands, though not in order to be mended, for it stood in need of no alteration.
Baulked in this piece of politicks, I cursed my simplicity; but resolved to play a surer game with the Earl, which I had thus devised.—I did not doubt of being admitted into familiar conversation with him, as before, and hoped by some means, to get the watch into my hand, then on pretence of winding or playing with it, drop it on the floor, which in all probability would disorder the work so as to stop its motion: This event would furnish me with an opportunity of insisting upon carrying it away in order to be repaired; and had this happened, I should have been in no hurry to bring it back.—What pity it was I could not find an occasion of putting this fine scheme in execution! When I went to renew my visit to his lordship, my access to the parlour was as free as ever; but after I had waited some time, the
valet de chambre
came in with his Lord's compliments, and a desire to see me to-morrow at his levée, being at present so much indisposed that he could not see company.—I interpreted this message into a bad omen, and came away muttering curses against his lordship's politeness, and ready to go to loggerheads with myself for being so egregiously duped.—But that I might have some satisfaction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged him closely at his levée, and persecuted him with my solicitations; not without faint hopes indeed, of reaping something more from my industry, than the bare pleasure of making him uneasy; though I could never obtain another private hearing, during the whole course of my attendance; neither had I resolution enough, to undeceive Strap, whose looks in a little time, were so whetted with impatience, that whenever I came home, his eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness of attention.
At length, however, finding myself reduced to my last guinea, I was compelled to disclose my necessity, though I endeavoured to sweeten the discovery by rehearsing to him the daily assurances I received from my patron.—But these promises were not of efficacy sufficient to support the spirits of my friend, who no sooner understood the lowness of my finances, than uttering a dreadful groan, he exclaimed,
"In the name of God, what shall we do?"—
In order to comfort him, I said that many of my acquaintance, who were in a worse condition than we, supported, notwithstanding, the character and appearance of gentlemen; and advising him to thank God that we had as yet incurred no debt, proposed he should pawn my sword of steel inlaid with gold, and trust to my discretion for the rest. This expedient was wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, in spite of his invincible affection for me, still retained notions of oeconomy and expence suitable to the narrowness of his education; nevertheless he complied with my request, and raised seven pieces on the sword in a twinkling.—This supply, inconsiderable as it was, made me as happy for the present, as if I had had five hundred pounds in bank; for by this time I was so well skilled in procrastinating every troublesome reflection, that the prospect of want seldom affected me very much, let it be ever so near.—And now indeed it was nearer than I imagined; for my landlord having occasion for money, put me in mind of my being indebted to him five guineas in lodging; and telling me he had a sum to make up, begged I would excuse his importunity and discharge the debt. Though I could ill spare so much cash; my pride took the resolution of disbursing it, which I did in a cavalier manner, after he had written a discharge, telling him with an air of scorn and resentment, I saw he was resolved that I should not be long in his books; while Strap, who stood by, and knew my circumstances, wrung his hands in secret, gnawed his nether lip, and turned yellow with despair.—Whatever appearance of indifference my vanity enabled me to put on, I was thunderstruck with this demand, which I had no sooner satisfied, than I hastened into company, with a view of beguiling my cares with conversation, or of drowning them in wine.
After dinner, a party was accordingly made in the coffee-house, from whence we adjourned to the tavern, where instead of sharing the mirth of the company, I was as much chagrined at their good humour as a damned soul in hell would be at a glimpse of heaven.—In vain did I swallow bumper after bumper! the wine had lost its effect upon me, and so far from raising my dejected spirits, could not even lay me asleep.—Banter, who was the only intimate I had (Strap excepted) perceived my anxiety, and when we broke up, reproached me with pusilanimity, for being cast down at any disappointment that such a rascal as Strutwell could be the occasion of.—I told him I did not at all see how Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated my misfortune; and gave him to understand that my present grief did not so much proceed from that disappointment, as from the low ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to something less than two guineas.—At this declaration, he cried,
"Pshaw! is that all?"
and assured me, there were a thousand ways of living in town without fortune, he himself having subsisted many years entirely by his wit.—I expressed an eager desire of being acquainted with some of these methods, and he, without further expostulation, bid me follow him.—He conducted me to a house under the piazzas in Convent Garden, which we entered, and having delivered our swords to a grim fellow who demanded them at the foot of the stair-case, ascended to the second story, where I saw multitudes of people standing round two gaming tables, loaded in a manner, with gold and silver.—My conductor let me know that this was the house of a worthy Scotch Lord, who availing himself of the privilege of his peerage, had set up publick gaming tables, from the profits of which he drew a comfortable livelihood.—He then explained the difference between the
sitters
and the
betters;
characterized the first as old rooks, and the last as bubbles; and advised me to try my fortune at the silver table by betting a crown at a time.—Before I would venture any thing, I considered the company more particularly, and there appeared such a groupe of villainous faces, that I was struck with horror and astonishment at the sight! I signified my surprize to Banter, who whispered in my ear, that the bulk of those present were composed of sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices, who having embezzled their master's cash, made a desperate push in this place, to make up their deficiencies.—This account did not encourage me to hazard any part of my small pittance; but at length being teized by the importunities of my friend, who assured me there was no danger of being ill used, people being hired by the owner to see justice done to every body; I began by risquing one shilling, and in less than an hour, my winning amounted to thirty.—Convinced by this time of the fairness of the game, and animated with success, there was no need of further persuasion to continue the play: I lent Banter (who seldom had any money in his pocket) a guinea, which he carried to the gold table and lost in a moment.—He would have borrowed another, but finding me deaf to his arguments, went away in a pet.—Mean while my gain advanced to six pieces, and my desire of more increased in proportion; so that I moved to the higher table, where I laid half a guinea on every throw, and fortune still favouring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity I remained until it was broad day; when I found myself, after many vicissitudes, one hundred and fifty guineas in pocket.
Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked if any body would take my place, and made a motion to rise; upon which an old gascon, who sat opposite to me, and of whom I had won a little money, started up with fury in his looks, crying,
"
Restez foutre, restez, il faut donner moi mon ravanchio!
"
At the same time, a Jew who sat near the other, insinuated that I was more beholden to art than fortune, for what I had got; that he had observed me wipe the table very often, and that some of the divisions seemed to be greasy. This intimation produced a great deal of clamour against me, especially among the losers, who threatned with many oaths and imprecations to take me up by a warrant as a a sharper, unless I would compromise the affair by refunding the greatest part of my winning.—Though I was far from being easy under this accusation, I relied upon my innocence, threatned in my turn to prosecute the Jew for defamation, and boldly offered to submit my cause to the examination of any justice in Westminster; but they knew themselves too well to put their characters on that issue, and finding I was not to be intimidated into any concession, dropt their plea, and made way for me to withdraw.—I would not however, stir from the table until the Israelite had retracted what he said to my disadvantage, and asked pardon before the whole assembly.
As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread upon the toes of a tall raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black thick eyebrows, a pig-tail wig of the same colour, and a formidable hat pulled over his forehead, who stood gnawing his fingers in the crowd, and no sooner felt the application of my shoe-heel, than he roared out in a tremendous voice,
"Blood and wounds! you son of a whore, what's that for?"—
I asked pardon with a great deal of submission, and protested I had no intention of hurting him; but the more I humbled myself the more he stormed, and insisted upon gentlemany satisfaction, at the same time provoking me with scandalous names that I could not put up with; so that I gave a loose to my passion, returned his Billingsgate, and challenged him to follow me down to the piazzas.—His indignation cooling as mine warmed, he refused my invitation, saying, he would chuse his own time, and returned towards the table muttering threats, which I neither dreaded nor distinctly heard; but descending with great deliberation, received my sword from the door-keeper, whom I gratified with a guinea according to the custom of the place, and went home in a rapture of joy.
My faithful valet, who had sat up all night in the utmost uneasiness on my account, let me in with his face beslubbered with tears, and followed me to my chamber, where he stood silent like a condemned criminal, in expectation of hearing that every shilling was spent.—I guessed the situation of his thoughts, and assuming a sullen look, bid him fetch me some water to wash.—He replied, without lifting his eyes from the ground,
"In my simple conjecture, you have more occasion for rest, not having (I suppose) slept these four and twenty hours."—
"Bring me some water,"
(said I in a peremptory tone;) upon which he sneaked away shrugging his shoulders. Before he returned I had spread my whole stock on the table in the most ostentatious manner; so that when it first saluted his view, he stood like one intranced, and having rubbed his eyes more than once, to assure himself of his being awake, broke out into,
"Lord have mercy upon us, what a vast treasure is here!"—
"'Tis all our own, Strap, (said I) take what is necessary, and redeem the sword immediately."
He advanced towards the table, stopt short by the way, looked at the money and me by turns, and with a wildness in his countenance, produced from joy checked by distrust, cried,
"I dare say, it is honestly come by."
To remove his scruples, I made him acquainted with the whole story of my success, on hearing of which, he danced about the room, in an exstacy,
"God be praised!—a white stone!—God be praised!—a white stone!"
So that I was afraid the sudden change of fortune had disordered his intellects, and that he was run mad with joy.—Extremely concerned at this event, I attempted to reason him out of his frenzy, but to no purpose; for, without regarding what I said, he continued to frisk up and down, and repeat his rhapsody of
"God be praised! a white stone!"
At last, I rose in the utmost consternation, and laying violent hands upon him put a stop to his extravagance, by fixing him down to a settee that was in the room.—This constraint banished his delirium; he started as if just awoke, and terrified at my behaviour, cried,
"What is the matter?"
When he learned the cause of my apprehension, he was ashamed of his transports, and told me, that in mentioning the white stone, he alluded to the
Dies fasti
of the Romans,
albo lapide notati.
Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, and was just going abroad, when the servant of the house told me, there was a gentlewoman at the door, who wanted to speak with me.—Surprized at this information, I bid Strap shew her up, and in less than a minute saw a young woman of a shabby decayed appearance enter my room. After half a dozen court'sies, she began to sob, and told me her name was Gawkey; upon which I immediately recollected the features of Miss Lavement, who had been the first occasion of my misfortunes.—Though I had all the reason in the world, to resent her treacherous usage of me, I was moved at her distress, and professing my sorrow at seeing her so reduced, desired her to sit, and enquired into the particulars of her situation.—She fell upon her knees, and implored my forgivenness for the injuries she had done me, protesting before God, that she was forced against her inclination, into that hellish conspiracy which had almost deprived me of my life, by the intreaties of her husband, who having been afterwards renounced by his father on account of his marriage with her, and unable to support a family on his pay, lest his wife at her father's house, and went with the regiment to Germany, where he was broke for misbehaviour at the battle of Dettingen; since which time she had heard no tidings of him. She then gave me to understand with many symptoms of penitence, that it was her misfortune to bear a child four months after marriage, by which her parents were so incensed, that she was turned out of doors with the infant, that died soon after; and had hitherto subsisted in a miserable indigent manner, on the extorted charity of a few friends, who were now quite tired of giving; that not knowing where or how to support herself one day longer, she had fled for succour even to me, who of all mankind had the least cause to assist her, relying upon the generosity of my disposition, which, she hoped, would be pleased with this opportunity of avenging itself in the noblest manner, on the wretch who had wronged me.—I was very much affected with her discourse, and having no cause to suspect the sincerity of her repentance, raised her up, freely pardoned all she had done against me, and promised to befriend her as much as lay in my power.
Since my last arrival in London, I had made no advances to the apothecary, imagining it would be impossible for me to make my innocence appear, so unhappily was my accusation circumstanced: Strap indeed had laboured to justify me to the schoolmaster; but so far from succeeding in his attempt, Mr. Concordance dropt all correspondence with him, because he refused to quit his connexion with me.—Things being in this situation, I thought a fairer opportunity of vindicating my character could not offer, than that which now presented itself;—therefore stipulated with Mrs. Gawkey, that before I yielded her the least assistance, she should do me the justice to clear my reputation, by explaining upon oath before a Magistrate, the whole of the conspiracy, as it had been executed against me.—When she had given me this satisfaction, I presented her with five guineas, a sum so much above her expectation, that she could scarce believe the evidence of her senses, and was ready to worship me for my benevolence.—The declaration signed with her own hand, I sent to her father, who, upon recollecting and comparing the circumstances of my charge, was convinced of my integrity, and waited on me next day, in company with his friend the schoolmaster, to whom he had communicated my vindication.—After mutual salutation, Monsieur Lavement began a long apology for the unjust treatment I had received; but I saved him a good deal of breath, by interrupting his harrangue, and assuring him, that so far from entertaining any resentment against him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, which allowed me to escape, after such strong presumptions of guilt appeared against me. Mr. Concordance thinking it now his turn to speak, observed, that Mr. Random had too much candour and sagacity to be disobliged at their conduct, which, all things considered, could not have been otherwise, with any honesty of intention.
"Indeed (said he) if the plot had been unravelled to us by any supernatural intelligence; if it had been whispered by a genie, communicated by a dream, or revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to blame in crediting ocular demonstration;—but as we were left in the mist of mortality, it cannot be expected we should be incapable of imposition.—I do assure you, Mr. Random, no man on earth is more pleased than I am at this triumph of your character; and as the news of your misfortune panged me to the very intrails, this manifestation of your innocence makes my midrif quiver with joy."—
I thanked him for his concern, desired them to undeceive those of their acquaintance who judged harshly of me, and having treated them with a glass of wine, represented to Lavement the deplorable condition of his daughter, and pleaded her cause so effectually, that he consented to settle a small annuity on her for life; but could not be persuaded to take her home, because her mother was so much incensed that she would never see her.
CHAP. LIII.
I purchase new cloaths—reprimand Strutwell and Straddle—Banter proposes another matrimonial scheme—I accept of his terms—set out for Bath in a stagecoach, with the young lady and her mother—the behaviour of an officer and lawyer, our fellow-travellers, described—a smart dialogue between my mistress and the captain.
HAVING finished this affair to my satisfaction, I found myself perfectly at ease, and looking upon the gaming-table as a certain resource for a gentleman in want, became more gay than ever.—Although my cloaths were almost as good as new, I grew ashamed of wearing them, because I thought every body, by this time, had got an inventory of my wardrobe.—For which reason, I disposed of a good part of my apparel to a salesman in Monmouth-street, for half the value, and bought two new suits with the money. I likewise purchased a plain gold watch, despairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom, notwithstanding, I still continued to visit at his levée, until the embassador he had mentioned, set out with a secretary of his own chusing.—I thought myself then at liberty to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with great freedom in a letter, for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had the power nor inclination to provide for me.—Nor was I less reserved with Straddle, whom I in person reproached for misrepresenting to me the character of Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was infamous in every respect.—He seemed very much enraged at my freedom, talked a great deal about his quality and honour, and began to make some comparisons which I thought so injurious to mine, that I demanded an explanation with great warmth; and he was mean enough to equivocate, and condescend in such a manner, that I left him with a hearty contempt of his behaviour.
About this time, Banter, who had observed a surprizing and sudden alteration in my appearance and disposition, began to enquire very minutely into the cause; and as I did not think fit to let him know the true state of the affair, lest he might make free with my purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme that filled it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation in the country, who at the same time had promised to use all his interest (which was not small) in solliciting some post for me that would make me easy for life.—
"If that be the case (said Banter) perhaps you won't care to mortify yourself a little, in making your fortune another way.—I have a relation who is to set out for Bath next week, with an only daughter, who being sickly and decrepid, intends to drink the waters for the recovery of her health.—Her father, who was a rich Turkey merchant, died about a year ago, and left her with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole management of her mother, who is my kinswoman.—I would have put in for the plate myself, but there is a breach at present between the old woman and me.—You must know, that some time ago I borrowed a small sum of her, and promised, it seems, to pay it before a certain time; but being disappointed in my expectation of money from the country, the day clapsed, without my being able to take up my note; upon which she wrote a peremptory letter, threatning to arrest me, if I did not pay the debt immediately: Nettled at this precise behaviour, I sent a damned severe answer, which enraged her so much, that she actually took out a writ against me.—Whereupon, finding the thing grow serious, I got a friend to advance the money for me, discharged the debt, went to her house, and abused her for unfriendly dealing.—She was provoked by my reproaches, and scolded in her turn. The little deformed urchin joined her mother with such virulence and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make my retreat, after having been honoured with a great many scandalous epithets, which gave me plainly to understand that I had nothing to hope from the esteem of the one, or the affection of the other.—As they are both utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to one that the girl shall be picked up by some scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don't provide for her otherwise.—You are a well-looking sellow, Random, and can behave as demurely as a quaker.—Now if you will give me an obligation for five hundred pounds, to be paid six months after your marriage, I will put you in a method of carrying her in spite of all opposition."
This proposal was too advantageous for me, to be refused: The writing was immediately drawn and executed; and Banter giving me notice of the time when, and the stage-coach in which they were to set out, I bespoke a place in the same convenience; and having hired a horse for Strap, who was charmed with the project, set out accordingly.
As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of seeing Miss Snapper (that was the name of my mistress) nor even of perceiving the number and sex of my fellowtravellers, although I guessed that the coach was full, by the difficulty I found in seating myself.—The first five minutes passed in a general silence, when all of a sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous voice pronounced,
"To the right and left, cover your flanks, damme!"
I easily discovered by the tone and matter of this exclamation, that it was uttered by a son of Mars; neither was it hard to conceive the profession of another person, who sat opposite to me, and observed, that we ought to have been well satisfied of the security, before we entered upon the premises.—These two sallies had not the desired effect: We continued a good while as mute as before, till at length, the gentleman of the sword, impatient of longer silence, made a second effort, by swearing, he had got into a meeting of quakers.—
"I believe so too, (said a shrill female voice, at my left hand) for the spirit of solly begins to move."—
"Out with it then, madam," (replied the soldier.)—
"You seem to have no occasion for a midwife," (cried the lady.)—
"D—n my blood! (exclaimed the other) a man can't talk to a woman, but she immediately thinks of a midwife."—
"True, Sir, (said she) I long to be delivered."
"—What! of a mouse, madam?" (said he.)—
"No, Sir, (said she) of a fool."—
"Are you far gone with fool?" (said he.)—
"Little more than two miles," (said she.)—
"By Gad, you're a wit, madam!" (cried the officer)—
"I wish I could with any justice return the compliment," (said the lady.)—
"Zounds! I have done," (said he.)—
"Your bolt is soon shot, according to the proverb," (said she.)—
The warrior's powder was quite spent; the lawyer advised him to drop the prosecution, and a grave matron, who sat on the left hand of the victorious wit, told her, she must not let her tongue run so fast among strangers.—This reprimand softened with the appellation of
child,
convinced me that the satyrical lady was no other than Miss Snapper, and resolved to regulate my conduct accordingly. The champion finding himself so smartly handled, changed his battery, and began to expatiate on his own exploits.—
"You talk of shot, madam, (said he) damme! I have both given and received some shot in my time—I was wounded in the shoulder by a pistol ball at Dettingen, where—I say nothing—but by G—d! if it had not been for me—all's one for that—I despise boasting, G—d d—me!"—
So saying, he whistled one part and hummed another of Black Joke; then addressing himself to the lawyer, went on thus,
"Wouldn't you think it damn'd hard, after having, at the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regiment, that had been lost, to receive no preferment for your pains! I don't chuse to name no names, sink me! but howsomever, this I will refer, by G—d, and that is this, a musqueteer of the French guards, having taken a standard from a certain cornet of a certain regiment, damme! was retreating with his prize as fast as his horse's heels could carry him, damme! Upon which, I snatched up a firelock that belonged to a dead man, damme! and shot his horse under him, d—n my blood! The fellow got upon his feet and began to repose me, upon which I charged my bayonet breast high, and run him through the body, by G—d!—One of his comrades coming to his assistance, shot me in the shoulder, as I told you before; and another gave me a confusion on the head with the butt end of his carbine; but damme, that did not signify—I killed one, put the other to flight, and taking up the standard carried it off very deliberately—But the best joke of all was, the son of a b—ch of a cornet who had surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my possession, demanded it from me, in the front of the line."—
"D—n my blood (sa
he) where did you find my standard?" (says he.)—
"D—n my blood (said I) where (said I) did you lose it?" (said I.)—
"That's nothing to you (says he) 'tis my standard (says he) and by G—d I'll have it." (says he.)—
"D—n—ti—n seize me (says I) if you shall (says I) till I have first delivered it to the General (says I;) and accordingly I went to the head quarters, after the battle, and delivered it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me, but I am no more than a poor lieutenant still, d—n my blood."
Having vented this repetition of expletives, the lawyer owned he had not been requited according to his deserts; observed, that the labourer is always worthy of his hire, and asked if the promise was made before witnesses, because in that case the law would compel the General to perform it;—but understanding that the promise was performed during a
tête a tête,
over a bottle, without being restricted to time or terms, he pronounced it not valid in law, proceeded to enquire into the particulars of the battle, and affirmed, that although the English had drawn themselves into a premunire at first, the French managed their cause so lamely in the course of the dispute, that they would have been utterly nonsuited, had they not obtained a noli-prosequi.—In spite of these enlivening touches, the conversation was like to suffer another long interruption; when the lieutenant, unwilling to conceal any of his accomplishments that could be displayed in his present situation, offered to regale the company with a song; and interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing, began to warble a fashionable air, the first stanza of which be pronounced thus:
"Would task the moon-ty'd hair,
"To yon flagrant beau repair;
"Where waving with the poppling vow
"The bantling fine will shelter you, &c."
The sense of the rest he perverted as he went on, with such surprizing facility, that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains to burlesque the performance.—Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true cause, namely ignorance; and when he asked her how she relished his musick, answered, that in her opinion, the musick and the words were much of a piece.—
"O! d—n my blood! (said he) I take that as a high compliment; for every body allows the words are damnable fine."—
"They may be so, (replied the lady) for ought I know, but they are above my comprehension."—
"I an't obliged to find you comprehension, madam, curse me!" (cried he.)—
"No, nor to speak sense neither," (said she.)—
"D—n my heart (said he) I'll speak what I please."—
Here the lawyer interposed, by telling him there were some things he must not speak.—And upon being defyed to give an instance, mentioned Treason and Defamation.—
"As for the king, (cried the soldier) God bless him—I eat his bread, and have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have nothing to say to him—but by G—d, I dare say any thing to any other man."—
"No, (said the lawyer) you dare not call me rogue."—
"Damme, for what?" said the other.—
"Because (replied the counsellor) I should have a good action against you, and recover."—
"Well, well, (cried the officer) if I dare not call you rogue, I dare think you one, damme!—
This stroke of wit he accompanied with a loud laugh of selfapprobation, which unluckily did not affect the audience, but effectually silenced his antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of an hour thereafter, except to clear his pipes with three
hemms,
which, however, produced nothing.
CHAP. LIV.
Day breaking, I have the pleasure of viewing the person of Miss Snapper, whom I had not seen before—the soldier is witty upon me—is offended, talks much of his valour—is reprimanded by a grave gentlewoman—we are alarmed with the cry of highwaymen—I get out of the coach, and stand on my defence—they ride off without having attacked us—I pursue them—one of them is thrown from his horse and taken—I return to the coach—am complimented by miss Snapper—the captain's behaviour on this occasion—the prude reproaches me in a soliloquy—I upbraid her in the same manner—the behaviour of Mrs. Snapper at breakfast, disobliges me—the lawyer is witty upon the officer, who threatens him.
IN the mean time, day breaking in upon us, discovered to one another, the faces of their fellow-travellers; and I had the good fortune to find my mistress not quite so deformed nor disagreeable as she had been represented to me.—Her head, indeed, bore some resemblance to a hatchet, the edge being represented by her face; but she had a certain delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal of vivacity in her eyes, which were very large and black; and though the protuberance of her breast, when considered alone, seemed to drag her forwards, it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back which ballanced the other, and kept her body in equilibrio.—On the whole, I thought I should have great reason to congratulate myself, if it should be my fate to possess twenty thousand pounds encumbered with such a wife.—I began therefore to deliberate about the most probable means of acquiring the conquest, and was so much engrossed by this idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the people in the coach, but revolved my prospect in silence; while the conversation was maintained as before, by the object of my hopes, the son of Mars, and the barrister, who by this time had recollected himself, and talked in terms as much as ever.—At length a dispute happened, which ended in a wager, to be determined by me, who was so much absorpt in contemplation, that I neither heard the reference nor the question which was put to me by each in his turn; affronted at my supposed contempt, the soldier with great vociferation, swore, I was either dumb or deaf, if not both, and that I looked as if I could not say
Boh to a goose.
—Arroused at this observation, I fixed my eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis, the interjection
Boh!
Upon which he cocked his hat in a fierce manner and cried,
"Damme, Sir, what d'ye mean by that?"—
Had I intended to answer him, which by the bye, was not my design, I should have been anticipated by Miss, who told him, my meaning was to shew, that I could cry boh! to a goose; and laughed very heartily at my laconic reproof.—Her explanation and mirth did not help to appease his wrath, which broke out in several martial insinuations, such as—
"I do not understand such freedoms, damme!—D—n my blood! I'm a gentleman, and bear the king's commission.—'Sblood! some people deserve to have their noses pulled for their impertinence."—
I thought to have checked these ejaculations by a frown; because he had talked so much of his valour, that I had long ago rated him an ass with a lion's skin; but so far from answering my expectation, that he took umbrage at the contraction of my brows, swore he did not value my sulky look a fig's end, and protested he feared no man breathing.—Miss Snapper said, she was very glad to find herself in company with a man of so much courage, who she did not doubt, would protect us all from the attempts of highwaymen, during our journey.—
"Make yourself perfectly easy on that head, madam, (replied the officer) I have got a pair of pistols (here they are) which I took from a horse officer at the battle of Dettingen—they are double loaded, and if any highwayman in England robbs you of the value of a pin, while I have the honour of being in your company, d—n my heart."—
When he had expressed himself in this manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and said, she wondered how any man could be so rude as to pull out such weapons before ladies.—
"Damme, madam, (cried the champion) if you are so much afraid at sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose to stand fire if there should be occasion?"—
She let him know, that if she thought he could be so unmannerly as to use fire-arms in her presence, whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach immediately, and walk to the next village, where she might procure a convenience to herself.—Before he could make any answer, my Dulcinea interposed, and observed, that so far from being offended at a gentleman's using his arms in his own defence, she thought herself very lucky in being along with one by whose valour she stood a good chance of saving herself from being rifled.—The prude cast a disdainful look at Miss, and said, that people who have but little to lose, are sometimes the most solicitous about preserving it.—The old lady was affronted at this inuendo, and took notice, that people ought to be very well informed before they speak slightingly of other people's fortune, lest they discover their own envy, and make themselves ridiculous.—The daughter declared, that she did not pretend to vie with any body in point of riches; and if the lady who insisted upon nonresistance, would promise to indemnify us all for the loss we should sustain; she should be one of the first to persuade the captain to submission, in case we should be attacked.—To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the reserved lady made no other reply, than a scornful glance and a toss of her head.—I was very well pleased with the spirit of my mistress; and even wished for an opportunity of distinguishing my courage under her eye, which I believed, could not fail of prepossessing her in my favour; when all of a sudden, Strap rode up to the coach door, and told us in a great fright, that two men on horse-back were crossing the heath (for by this time we had passed Hounslow) and made directly towards us. This piece of information was no sooner delivered, than Mrs. Snapper began scream, her daughter grew pale, the other lady pulled out her purse to be in readiness, the lawyer's teeth chattered, while he pronounced,
"'Tis no matter—we'll sue the county and recover."—
The captain gave evident signs of confusion; and I, after having commanded the coachman to stop, opened the door, jumped out, and invited the warrior to follow me.—But finding him backward and astonished, I took his pistols, and giving them to Strap, who had by this time alighted, and trembled very much, I mounted on horse-back; and taking my own, (which I could better depend upon) from the holsters, cocked them both, and faced the robbers, who were now very near us.—Seeing me ready to oppose them on horse-back, and another man armed a-foot, they made a halt at some distance to reconnoitre us, and after having rode round us twice, myself still facing about as they rode, went off the same way they came, at a hand gallop.—A gentleman's servant coming up with a horse at the same time, I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing them, which he no sooner accepted, than I armed him with the officer's pistols, and we galloped after the thieves, who trusting to the swiftness of their horses, stopped, till we came within shot of them, and then firing at us, put their nags to the full speed.—We followed them as fast as our beasts could carry us, but not being so well mounted as they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not the horse of one of them stumbled and thrown his rider with such violence over his head, that he lay senseless, when we came up, and was taken without the least opposition, while his comrade consulted his own safety in flight, without regarding the distress of his friend. We scarce had time to make ourselves masters of his arms, and tye his hands together, before he recovered his senses; when learning his situation, he affected surprize, demanded to know by what authority we used a gentleman in that manner, and had the impudence to threaten us with a prosecution for robbery.—In the mean time we perceived Strap coming up with a crowd of people, armed with different kinds of weapons; and among the rest a farmer, who no sooner perceived the thief, whom we had secured, than he cried with great emotion,
"There's the fellow who robbed me an hour ago, of twenty pounds, in a canvas bag."—
He was immediately searched, and the money found exactly as it had been described: Upon which, we committed him to the charge of the countryman, who guarded him to the town of Hounslow, which it seems the farmer had alarmed; and having satisfied the footman for his trouble according to promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where I found the captain and lawyer busy in administring smelling bottles and cordials to the grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of the firing.
When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen every thing that happened, made me a compliment on my behaviour, and said, she was glad to see me returned, without having received any injury; her mother too owned herself obliged to my resolution; and the lawyer told me, that I was intitled by act of parliament to a reward of forty pounds, for having apprehended a highwayman.—The soldier observed, with a countenance in which impudence and shame struggling, produced some disorder, that if I had not been in such a damned hurry to get out of the coach, he would have secured the rogues effectually, without all this bustle and loss of time, by a scheme which my heat and precipitation ruined.—
"For my own part, (continued he) I am always extremely cool on these occasions."—
"So it appeared, by your trembling" (said the young lady.)—
"Death and damnation (cried he) your sex protects you, madam; if any man on earth durst tell me so much, I'd send him to hell, d—n my heart! in an instant."—
So saying, he fixed his eyes on me, and asked if I had seen him tremble.—I answered without hesitation,
"Yes."—
"Damme, Sir, (said he) d'ye doubt my courage?"—
I replied,
"Very much."—
This declaration quite disconcerted him.—He looked blank, and pronounced with a faultering voice,
"O! 'tis very well—d—n my blood! I shall find a time."—
I signified my contempt of him, by thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much, that he scarce swore another oath during the whole journey.
The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any man, who pretended to maintain the character of a gentleman, could, for the sake of a little paultry coin, throw persons of honour into such quandaries as might endanger their lives; and professed her surprize, that women were not ashamed to commend such brutality. At the same time vowing, that for the future she would never set foot in a stage-coach, if a private convenience could be had for love or money.
Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of conveying my sentiments, and wondered in my turn, that any woman of common sense, should be so unreasonable as to expect that people who had neither acquaintance nor connexion with her, would tamely allow themselves to be robbed and mal-treated, meerly to indulge her capricious humour. I likewise confessed my astonishment at her insolence and ingratitude in taxing a person with brutality, who deserved her approbation and acknowledgment; and vowed, that if ever we should be assaulted again, I would leave her to the mercy of the spoiler, that she might know the value of my protection.
This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation any further, but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment, with the crestfallen captain, while I entered into discourse with my charmer, who was the more pleased with my conversation, as she had conceived a very indifferent opinion of my intellects from my former silence. I should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the sprightliness of her genius, could she have curbed her imagination with judgment; but she laboured under such a profusion of talk, that I dreaded her unruly tongue, and felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal clack! However, when I considered on the other hand, the joys attending the possession of twenty thousand pounds, I forgot her imperfections, seized occasion by the fore-lock, and endeavoured to insinuate myself into her affection.—The careful mother kept a strict watch over her, and though she could not help behaving civilly to me, took frequent opportunities of discouraging our communication, by reprimanding her for being so free with strangers, and telling her she must learn to speak less, and think more.—A bridged of the use of speech, we conversed with our eyes, and I found the young lady very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In short, I had reason to believe, that she was sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and that I should find it no difficult matter to supersede her authority.
When we arrived at the place where we were to breakfast, I alighted and helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother, who called for a private room, to which they withdrew, in order to eat by themselves.—As they retired together, I perceived that Miss had got more twists from nature, than I had before observed, being bent sideways into the figure of an S, so that her progression very much resembled that of a crab.—The prude also chose the captain for her mess-mate, and ordered breakfast for two only to be brought into another separate room; while the lawyer and I, deserted by the rest of the company, were fain to put up with one another. I was a good deal chagrined at the stately reserve of Mrs. Snapper, who I thought did not use me with all the complaisance I deserved; and my companion declared, that he had been a traveller these twenty years, and never knew the stage-coach rules so much infringed before. As for the honourable gentlewoman, I could not conceive the meaning of her attachment to the lieutenant; and asked the lawyer if he knew for which of the soldier's virtues she admired him? The counsellor facetiously replied,
"I suppose the lady knows him to be an able conveyancer, and wants him to make a settlement intail."—
I could not help laughing at the archness of the barrister, who entertained me during breakfast, with a great deal of wit of the same kind, at the expence of our fellow-travellers; and among other things said, he was sorry to find the young lady saddled with such incumbrances.
When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning, we went into the coach, took our places, and bribed the driver with six-pence, to revenge us on the rest of his fare, by hurrying them away in the midst of their meal.—This he performed to our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their enjoyment with his importunate clamour.—The mother and daughter obeyed the summons first, and coming to the coach-door, were obliged to desire the coachman's assistance to get in, because the lawyer and I had agreed to shew our resentment by our neglect.—They were no sooner seated, than the captain appeared as much heated as if he had been pursued a dozen of miles by an enemy; and immediately after him came the lady, not without some marks of disorder.—Having helped her up, he entered himself, growling a few oaths against the coachman for his impertment interruption; and the lawyer comforted him, by saying, that if he had suffered a
nisi prius
through the obstinacy of the defendant, he would have an opportunity to join issue at the next stage. This last expression gave offence to the grave gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make him repent of such obscenity, and thanked God she had never been in such company before.—At this insinuation, the captain thought himself under a necessity of espousing the lady's cause; and accordingly threatned to cut the lawyer's ears out of his head, if he should give his tongue any such liberties for the future.—The poor counsellor begged pardon, and universal silence ensued.
CHAP. LV.
I resolve to ingratiate myself with the mother, and am favoured by accident—the precise lady finds her husband, and quits the coach—the captain is disappointed of his dinner—we arrive at Bath—I accompany Miss Snapper to the long room, where she is attacked by beau N—h, and turns the laugh against him—I make love to her, and receive a check—I squire her to an assembly, where I am blest with a sight of my dear Narcissa, which discomposes me so much, that Miss Snapper observing my disorder, is at pains to discover the cause—is picqued at the occasion, and in our way home, pays me a sarcastic compliment—I am met by Miss Williams, who is maid and confidante of Narcissa—she acquaints me with her lady's regard for me while under the disguise of a servant, and describes the transports of Narcissa on seeing me at the assembly, in the character of a gentleman—I am surprized with an account of her aunt's marriage, and make an appointment to meet Miss Williams next day.
DURING this unsocial interval, my pride and interest maintained a severe conflict, on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one represented as unworthy of my notice, and the other proposed as the object of my whole attention: The advantages and disadvantages attending such a match, were opposed to one another by my imagination; and at length, my judgment gave it so much in favour of the first, that I resolved to prosecute my scheme, with all the address in my power.—I thought I perceived some concern in her countenance, occasioned by my silence, which she no doubt imputed to my disgust at her mother's behaviour; and as I believed the old woman could not fail of ascribing my muteness to the same motive, I determined to continue that sullen conduct towards her, and fall upon some other method of manifesting my esteem for the daughter; nor was it difficult for me to make her acquainted with my sentiments by the expression of my looks, which I modelled into the characters of humility and love; and which were answered by her with all the sympathy and approbation I could desire. But when I began to consider, that without further opportunities of improving my success, all the progress I had hitherto made could not much avail, and that such opportunities could not be enjoyed without the mother's permission; I concluded it would be requisite to vanquish her coldness and suspicion by my assiduities and respectful behaviour on the road; and she would in all likelihood invite me to visit her at Bath, where I did not fear of being able to cultivate her acquaintance as much as would be necessary to the accomplishment of my purpose.—And indeed accident furnished me with an opportunity of obliging her so much, that she could not with any appearance of good manners, forbear to gratify my inclination.
When we arrived at our dining-place, we found all the eatables in the inn bespoke by a certain nobleman, who had got the start of us; and in all likelihood, my mistress and her mother must have dined with Duke Humphrey, had I not exerted myself in their behalf, and bribed the landlord with a glass of wine to curtail his lordship's entertainment of a couple of fowls and some bacon, which I sent with my compliments to the ladies; they accepted my treat with a great many thanks, and desired I would favour them with my company at dinner, where I amused the old gentlewoman so successfully, by maintaining a seemingly disinterested ease, in the midst of my civility, that she signified a desire of being better acquainted, and hoped I would be so kind as to see her sometimes at Bath.—While I enjoyed myself in this manner, the precise lady had the good fortune to meet with her husband, who was no other than gentleman, or in other words,
valet de chambre
to the very nobleman, whose coach stood at the door. Proud of the interest she had in the house, she affected to shew her power by introducing the captain to her spouse, as a person who had treated her with great civility; upon which he was invited to a share of their dinner; while the poor lawyer, finding himself utterly abandoned, made application to me, and was, through my intercession, admitted into our company.—Having satisfied our appetites, and made ourselves very merry at the expence of the person of honour, the civil captain, and complaisant husband, I did myself the pleasure of discharging the bill by stealth, for which I received a great many apologies and acknowledgments from my guests, and we reimbarked at the first warning.—The officer was obliged, at last, to appease his hunger with a luncheon of bread and cheese, and a pint bottle of brandy, which he dispatched in the coach, cursing the inappetence of his lordship, who had ordered dinner to be put back a whole hour.
Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which was ended about twelve a-clock, when I waited on the ladies to the house of a relation, in which they intended to lodge, and passing that night at the inn, took lodgings next morning for myself.
The forenoon was spent in visiting every thing that was worth seeing in the place, which I did in company with a gentleman to whom Banter had given me a letter of introduction; and in the afternoon I waited on the ladies, and found Miss a good deal indisposed with the fatigues of the journey.—As they foresaw they would have occasion for a male acquaintance to squire them at all publick places, I was received with great cordiality, and had the mother's permission to conduct them next day to the long room, which we no sooner entered, than the eyes of every body present were turned upon us; and when we had suffered the martyrdom of their looks for some time, a whisper circulated at our expence, which was accompanied with many contemptuous smiles, and tittering observations, to my utter shame and confusion.—I did not so much conduct as follow my charge to a place where she seated her mother and herself with astonishing composure, notwithstanding the unmannerly behaviour of the whole company, which seemed to be assumed meerly to put her out of countenance.—The celebrated Mr. N—h, who commonly attends in this place, as master of the ceremonies, perceiving the disposition of the assembly, took upon himself the task of gratifying their ill-nature still further, by exposing my mistress to the edge of his wit.—With this view he approached us, with many bows and grimaces, and after having welcomed Miss Snapper to the place, asked her, in the hearing of all present, if she could inform him of the name of Tobit's dog.—I was so much incensed at his insolence, that I should certainly have kicked him where he stood, without ceremony, had not the young lady prevented the effects of my indignation, by replying with the utmost vivacity,
"His name was N—sh, and an impudent dog he was."
This repartee, so unexpected and just, raised such an universal laugh at the aggressor, that all his assurance was insufficient to support him under their derision; so that after he had endeavoured to compose himself, by taking snuff, and forcing a smile, he was obliged to sneak off in a very ludicrous attitude; while my Dulcinea was applauded to the skies, for the brilliancy of her wit, and her acquaintance immediately courted by the best people of both sexes in the room.—This event, with which I was infinitely pleased at first, did not fail of alarming me, upon further reflection, when I considered that the more she was caressed by persons of distinction, the more her pride would be inflamed, and consequently, the obstacles to my success multiplied and enlarged.—Nor were my presaging fears untrue—That very night I perceived her a little intoxicated with the incense she had received, and though she still behaved with a particular civility to me, I foresaw that as soon as her fortune should be known, she would be surrounded with a swarm of admirers, some one of whom might possibly, by excelling me in point of wealth, or in the arts of flattery and scandal, supplant me in her esteem, and find means to make the mother of his party.—I resolved therefore to lose no time, and being invited to spend the evening with them, found an opportunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman's vigilance, to explain the meaning of my glances in the coach, by paying homage to her wit, and professing myself enamoured of her person.—She blushed at my declaration, and in a favourable manner disapproved of the liberty I had taken, putting me in mind of our being strangers to one another, and desiring I would not be the means of interrupting our acquaintance, by any such unseasonable strokes of gallantry for the future.—My ardour was effectually checked by this reprimand, which was, however, delivered in such a gentle manner, that I had no cause to be disobliged; and the arrival of her mother relieved me from a dilemma in which I should not have known how to demean myself a minute longer.—Neither could I resume the easiness of carriage with which I came in, my mistress acted on the reserve, and the conversation beginning to flag, the old lady introduced her kinswoman of the house, and proposed a hand at whist.
While we amused ourselves at this diversion, I understood from the gentlewoman, that there was to be an assembly next night, at which I begged to have the honour of dancing with Miss. She thanked me for the favour I intended her, assured me, she never did dance, but signified a desire of seeing the company; upon which I offered my service, and was accepted; not a little proud of being exempted from appearing with her, in a situation, that, notwithstanding my profession to the contrary, was not at all agreeable to my inclination.
Having supped, and continued the game, till such time as the successive yawns of the mother warned me to begone, I took my leave, and went home, where I made Strap very happy with an account of my progress.—Next day I put on my gayest apparel, and went to drink tea at Mrs. Snapper's, according to appointment, when I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, that she was laid up with the tooth-ach, and that Miss was to be intrusted to my care.—Accordingly, we set out for the ball-room, pretty early in the evening, and took possession of a commodious place, where we had not sat longer than a quarter of an hour, when a gentleman dressed in a green frock came in, leading a young lady, whom I immediately discovered to be the adorable Narcissa! Good heaven! what were the thrillings of my soul at that instant! my reflection was overwhelmed with a torrent of agitation! my heart throbbed with surprizing violence! a sudden mist overspread my eyes! my ears were invaded with a dreadful sound! I panted for want of breath, and in short, was for some moments intranced!—This first tumult subsiding, a crowd of flattering ideas rushed upon my imagination: Every thing that was soft, sensible, and engaging in the character of that dear creature, recurred to my remembrance, and every favourable circumstance of my own qualifications appeared in all the aggravation of self-conceit, to heighten my expectation!—Neither was this transport of long duration: The dread of her being already disposed of, intervened, and over-cast my enchanting reverie! My presaging apprehension represented her encircled in the arms of some happy rival, and of consequence for ever lost to me! I was stung with this suggestion, and believing the person who conducted her, to be the husband of this amiable young lady, already devoted him to my fury, and stood up to mark him for my vengeance; when I recollected, to my unspeakable joy, her brother the foxhunter, in the person of her gallant.—Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in this particular, I gazed in a frenzy of delight, on the irresistible charms of his sister, who no sooner distinguished me in the crowd, than her evident confusion afforded a happy omen to my flame.—At sight of me she started, the roses instantly vanished from her polished cheeks, and returned in a moment with a double glow that over-spread her lovely neck, while her enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion.—I hailed these favourable symptoms, and lying in wait for her looks, did homage with my eyes.—She seemed to approve my declaration, by the complacency of her aspect; and I was so transported with the discovery, that more than once, I was on the point of making up to her, and disclosing the throbbings of my heart in person, had not that profound veneration which her presence always inspired, restrained the unseasonable impulse.—My whole powers being engrossed in this manner, it may be easily imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snapper, on whom I could not now turn my eyes, without making comparisons very little to her advantage.—It was not even in my power to return distinct answers to the questions she asked from time to time, so that she could not help observing my absence of behaviour; and having a turn, for observation, watched my glances, and tracing them to the divine object, discovered the cause of my disorder.—That she might, however, be convinced of the truth of her conjecture, she began to interrogate me with regard to Narcissa, and notwithstanding all my endeavours to disguise my sentiments, perceived my attachment by my confusion.—Upon which, she assumed a stateliness of behaviour, and sat silent during the remaining part of the entertainment.—At any other time I should have been prodigiously alarmed at her suspicion, but at that instant, I was elevated by my passion above every other consideration.—The mistress of my soul having retired with her brother, I discovered so much uneasiness at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to go home; and while I conducted her to a chair, told me she had too great a regard for me to keep me any longer in torment.—I feigned ignorance of her meaning, and having seen her safely at her lodgings, took my leave, and went home in an exstasy; where I disclosed every thing that had happened to my confident and humble servant Strap, who did not relish the accident so well as I expected; and observed, that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.—
"But however (said he) you know best—you know best."—
Next day as I went to the Bath, in hopes of seeing or hearing some tidings of my fair enslaver, I was met by a gentlewoman, who having looked hard at me, cried,
"O Christ! Mr. Random!"
Surprised at this exclamation, I examined the countenance of the person who spoke, and immediately recognized my old sweet-heart and fellow-sufferer Miss Williams.
I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under such a decent appearance, professed my joy at seeing her well, and desired to know where I should have the pleasure of her conversation. She was as heartily rejoiced at the apparent easiness of my fortune, and gave me to know that she, as yet, had no habitation that she could properly call her own; but would wait on me at any place I would please to appoint—Understanding that she was disengaged for the present, I shewed her the way to my own lodgings, where, after a very affectionate salutation, she informed me of her being very happy in the service of a young lady, to whom she was recommended by a former mistress deceased, into whose family she had introduced herself by the honest deceit she had concerted, while she lived with me in the garret at London—She then expressed a vehement desire to be acquainted with the vicissitudes of my life since we parted, and ascribed her curiosity to the concern she had for my interest—I forthwith gratified her request, and when I described my situation in Sussex, perceived her to attend to my story with particular eagerness. She interrupted me when I had finished that period, with
"good God! is it possible,"—
and then begged I would be so good as to continue my relation; which I did as briefly as I could, burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprize, about which I had already formed a very interesting conjecture—Having therefore brought my adventures down to the present day, she seemed very much affected with the different circumstances of my fortune; and saying with a smile, she believed my distresses were now at a period, proceeded to inform me, that the lady whom she served was no other than the charming Narcissa, who had honoured her with her confidence for some time,—that in consequence of that trust, she had often repeated the story of John Brown, with great admiration and regard; that she loved to dwell upon the particulars of his character, and did not scruple to own a tender approbation of his flame—I became delirious with this piece of intelligence, strained Miss Williams in my embrace, called her the angel of my happiness, and acted such extravagancies, that she would have been convinced of my sincerity, had not my honour been clear enough to her before—As soon as I was in a condition to yield attention, she described the present situation of her mistress, who had no sooner come home the night before, than she closeted her, and in a rapture of joy, gave her to know that she had seen me at the ball, where I appeared in the character which she always thought my due, with such advantage of transformation, that unless my image had been engraven on her heart, it would have been impossible to know me for the person who had worn her aunt's livery;—that by the language of my eyes, she was assured of the continuance of my passion for her, and consequently of my being unengaged to any other; and that though she did not doubt, I would speedily fall upon some method of being introduced, she was so impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss Williams) had been sent abroad this very morning, on purpose to learn tidings of the name and character I at present bore.—My bosom had been hitherto a stranger to such a flood of joy as now rushed upon it: My faculties were overborn by the tide: It was some time, before I could open my mouth; and much longer 'ere I could utter a coherent sentence—At length, I servently requested her to lead me immediately to the object of my adoration: but she resisted my importunity, and explained the danger of such premature conduct—
"How favourable soever (said she) my lady's inclination towards you may be, this you may depend upon, that she will not commit the smallest trespass on decorum, either in disclosing her own, or in receiving a declaration of your passion: and altho' the great veneration I have for you, has prompted me to reveal what she communicated to me in confidence, I know so well the seveverity of her sentiments with respect to the punctilios of her sex, that, if she should learn the least surmise of it, she would not only dismiss me as a wretch unworthy of her benevolence, but also for ever shun the efforts of your love"—
I assented to the justness of her remonstrance, and desired she would assist me with her advice and direction: upon which, it was concerted between us, that for the present, I should be contented with her telling Narcissa that in the course of her inquiries, she could only learn my name: and that if in a day or two, I could fall upon no other method of being made acquainted, she would deliver a letter from me, on pretence of consulting her happiness; and say that I met her in the streets, and bribed her to that piece of service.—Matters being thus adjusted, I kept my old acquaintance to breakfast, and learned from her conversation, that my rival Sir Timothy had drunk himself into an apoplexy, of which he died five months ago, that the savage was still unmarried, and that his aunt had been seized with a whim which he little expected, and chosen the school-master of the parish for her lord and husband: but matrimony not agreeing with her constitution, she had been hectick and dropsical a good while, and was now at Bath in order to drink the waters for the recovery of her health; that her niece had accompanied her thither at her request, and attended her with the same affection as before, notwithstanding the
faux pas
she had committed: and that her nephew who had been exasperated at the loss of her fortune, did not give his attendance out of good will, but purely to have an eye on his sister, lest she should likewise throw herself away, without his consent or approbation.—Having enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made an assignation to meet next day at a certain place, Miss Williams took her leave; and Strap's looks being very inquisitive about the nature of the communication subsisting between us, I made him acquainted with the whole affair, to his great astonishment and satisfaction.
CHAP. LVI.
I become acquainted with Narcissa's brother who invites me to his house—where I am introduced to that adorable creature—after dinner, the squire retires to take his nap—Freeman, guessing the situation of my thoughts, withdraws likewise on pretence of business—I declare my passion for Narcissa—am well received—charmed with her conversation—the squire detains us to supper—I elude his design by a stratagem, and get home sober.
IN the afternoon, I drank tea at the house of Mr. Freeman, to whom I had been recommended by Banter; where I had not sat five minutes, 'till the fox-hunter came in, and by his familiar behaviour, appeared to be intimate with my friend—I was, at first, under some concern, lest he should recollect my features; but when I found myself introduced to him as a gentleman from London, without being discovered, I blessed the opportunity that brought me into his company; hoping, that in the course of our acquaintance, he would invite me to his house—nor were my hopes frustrated, for as we spent the evening together, he grew extremely fond of my conversation, asked a great many childish questions about France and foreign parts; and seemed so highly entertained with my answers, that in his cups, he shook me often by the hand, pronounced me an honest fellow, and in fine, desired our company at dinner next day, in his own house.—My imagination was so much employed in anticipating the happiness I was to enjoy next day, that I slept very little that night; but getting up early in the morning, went to the place appointed, where I met my she-friend, and imparted to her my success with the squire—She was very much pleased at the occasion, which (she said) could not fail of being agreeable to Narcissa, who in spite of her passion for me, had mentioned some scruples relating to my true situation and character, which the delicacy of her sentiments suggested, and which she believed I would find it necessary to remove, though she did not know how.—I was a good deal startled at this insinuation, because I foresaw the difficulty I should find in barely doing myself justice; for although it never was my intention to impose myself upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, as a man of fortune, I laid claim to the character of a gentleman, by birth, education and behaviour; and yet (so unlucky had the circumstances of my life fallen out) I should find it a very hard matter to make good my pretensions even to these, especially to the last, which was the most essential—Miss Williams was as sensible as I, of this my disadvantage; but comforted me with observing, that when once a woman has bestowed her affections on a man, she cannot help judging of him in all respects, with a partiality easily influenced in his favour;—she remarked that altho' some situations of my life had been low, yet none of them had been infamous; that my indigence had been the crime not of me, but of fortune; and that the miseries I had undergone, by improving the faculties both of mind and body, qualified me the more for any dignified station; and would of consequence, recommend me to the good graces of any sensible woman;—she therefore advised me to be always open and unreserved to the inquiries of my mistress, without unnecessarily betraying the meanest occurrences of my fate; and trust to the strength of her love and reflection, for the rest.—The sentiments of this sensible young woman on this, as well as on almost every other subject, perfectly agreed with mine; I thanked her for the care she took of my interests, and promising to behave myself according to her direction, we parted, after she had assured me, that I might depend upon her best offices with her mistress, and that she would front time to time, communicate to me such intelligence as she could procure, relating to my flame.—Having dressed myself to the best advantage, I waited for the time of dinner with the most fearful impatience; and as the hour drew nigh, my heart beat with such increased velocity, and my spirits contracted such disorder, that I began to suspect my resolution, and even to wish myself disengaged:—At last Mr. Freeman called at my lodgings, in his way, and I accompanied him to the house where all my happiness was deposited.—We were very kindly received by the squire, who sat smoaking his pipe in a parlour, and asked if we chose to drink any thing before dinner; tho' I never had more occasion for a cordial, I was ashamed to accept his offer, which was also refused by my friend. We sat down (however) and entered into conversation, which lasted half an hour, so that I had time to recollect myself; and (so capricious were my thoughts) even to hope that Narcissa would not appear—when all of a sudden, a servant coming in, gave us notice that dinner was upon the table—and my perturbation returned with such violence, that I could scarce conceal it from the company as I ascended the staircase.—When I entered the dining-room, the first object that saluted my ravished eyes, was the divine Narcissa, blushing like Aurora, adorned with all the graces that meekness, innocence and beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a giddiness, my knees tottered, and I scarce had strength enough to perform the ceremony of salutation, when her brother slapping me upon the shoulder, cried
"Measter Randan, that there is my sister."
I approached her with eagerness and fear; but in the moment of our embrace, my soul was agonized with rapture!—It was a lucky circumstance for us both, that my entertainer was not endued with an uncommon stock of penetration; for our mutual confusion was so manifest, that Mr. Freeman perceived it, and as we went home together, congratulated me on my good fortune.—But so far was Bruin from entertaining the least suspicion, that he encouraged me to begin a conversation with my mistress in a language unknown to him, by telling her, that he had brought a gentleman (meaning me) who could jabber with her in French and other foreign lingos, as fast as she pleased: then turning to me, said,
"Odds bobs! I wish you would hold discourse with her, in your French or Italiano; and tell me if she understands it as well as she would be thought to do—there's her aunt and she will chatter together whole days in it, and I can't have a mouthful of English for love or money."
I consulted the looks of my amiable mistress, and sound her averse to his proposal, which indeed she declined with a sweetness of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to that part of the company which did not understand the language in question. As I had the happiness of sitting opposite to her, I feasted my eyes much more than my palate, which she tempted in vain with the most delicious bits carved by her fair hand, and recommended by her persuasive tongue;—but all my other appetites were swallowed up in the immensity of my love, which I fed by gazing incessantly on the delightful object.—Dinner was scarce ended, when the squire became very drousy, and after several dreadful yawns, got up, stretched himself, took two or three turns across the room, begg'd we would allow him to take a short nap, and having laid a strong injunction on his sister to detain us 'till his return, went to his repose without any further ceremony.—He had not been gone many minutes, when Freeman guessing the situation of my heart, and thinking he could not do me a greater favour, than to leave me alone with Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself all of a sudden, and starting up, begg'd the lady's pardon for half an hour, having luckily remembered an engagement of some consequence, that he must perform at that instant,—so saying, he went away, promising to be back in time enough for tea; leaving my mistress and me in great confusion.—Now that I enjoyed an opportunity of disclosing the pantings of my soul, I had not power to use it—I studied many pathetic declarations, but when I attempted to give them utterance, my tongue denied its office; and she sat silent, with a downcast look full of anxious alarm, her bosom heaving with expectation of some great event—At length, I endeavoured to put an end to this solemn pause, and began with
"It is very surprizing, Madam—
here the sound dying away, I made a full stop—while Narcissa starting, blushed, and with a timid accent, answered,
"Sir?—
Confounded at this note of interrogation, I pronounced with the most sheepish bashfulness,
"Madam!"
to which she replied,
"I beg pardon—I thought you had spoke to me."—
Another pause ensued—I made another effort, and tho' my voice faultered very much at the beginning, made shift to express myself in this manner:—
"I say, Madam, 'tis very surprizing that love should act so inconsistent with itself, as to deprive its votaries of the use of their faculties, when they have most occasion for them. Since the happy occasion of being alone with you presented itself, I have made many unsuccessful attempts to declare a passion for the loveliest of her sex—a passion which took possession of my soul, while my cruel fate compell'd me to wear a servile disguise so unsuitable to my birth, sentiments, and let me add, my deserts; yet favourable in one respect, as it furnished me with opportunities of seeing and adoring your perfections—Yes, Madam, it was then your dear idea entered my bosom, where it has lived unimpaired in the midst of numberless cares, and animated me against a thousand dangers and calamities!"—
While I spoke thus, she concealed her face with her fan; and when I ceased, recovering herself from the most beautiful confusion, told me, that she thought herself very much obliged by my favourable opinion of her; and that she was very sorry to hear I had been unfortunate—Encouraged by this gentle reply, I proceeded, owned myself sufficiently recompensed by her kind compassion for what I had undergone, and declared that the future happiness of my life depended solely upon her.—
"Sir, (said she) I should be very ungrateful, if after the signal protection you once afforded me, I could refuse to contribute towards your happiness, in any reasonable condescension."—
Transported at this acknowledgment, I threw myself at her feet, and begged she would regard my passion with a favourable eye: She was alarmed at my behaviour, intreated me to rise lest her brother should discover me in that posture, and to spare her, for the present, upon a subject for which she was altogether unprepared.—Upon this, I rose, assuring her I would rather die than disobey her; but in the mean time begged her to consider how precious the minutes of this opportunity were, and what restraint I put upon my inclination, in sacrificing them to her desire.—She smiled with unspeakable sweetness, and said, there would be no want of opportunities, provided I could maintain the good opinion her brother had conceived of me; and I, enchanted with her charms, seized her hand, which I well nigh devoured with kisses—But she check'd my boldness with a severity of countenance; and desired I would not so far forget myself or her, as to endanger the esteem she had for me;—she reminded me of our being almost strangers to one another, and of the necessity there was, for her knowing me better, before she could take any resolution in my favour; and, in short, mingled so much good sense and complacency in her reproof, that I became as much enamoured of her understanding, as I had been before of her beauty, and asked pardon for my presumption with the utmost reverence of conviction—She forgave my offence with her usual affability; and sealed my pardon with a look so full of bewitching tenderness, that for some minutes, my senses were lost in exstasy! I afterwards endeavoured to regulate my behaviour according to her desire, and turn the conversation upon a more indifferent subject; but her presence was an unsurmountable obstacle to my design; while I behold so much excellence, I found it impossible to call my attention from the contemplation of it! I gazed with unutterable fondness! I grew mad with admiration!—
"My condition is unsupportable (cried I) I am distracted with passion! why are you so exquisitely fair?—Why are you so enchantingly good?—Why has nature dignified you with charms so much above the standard of woman; and, wretch that I am, how dares my unworthiness aspire to the enjoyment of such perfection!"
She was startled at my ravings, reasoned down my transport, and by her irresistible eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of tranquil felicity; but lest I might suffer a relapse, industriously promoted other subjects to entertain my imagination—she chid me for having omitted to inquire about her aunt, who (she assured me) in the midst of all her absence of temper, and detachment from common affairs, often talked of me with uncommon warmth.—I professed my veneration for the good lady, excused my omission, by imputing it to the violence of my love, which engrossed my whole soul, and desired to know the present situation of her health.—Upon which, the amiable Narcissa repeated what I had heard before, of her marriage, with all the tenderness for her reputation that the subject would admit of; told me, she liv'd with her husband, hard by, and was so much afflicted with a dropsy, and wasted by a consumption, that she had small hopes of her recovery.—Having expressed my sorrow for her distemper, I questioned her about my good friend Mrs. Sagely, who I learned (to my great satisfaction) was still in good health, and by the encomiums she bestowed upon me after I was gone, confirmed the favourable impression, my behaviour at parting had made on Narcissa's heart—This circumstance introduced an inquiry into the conduct of Sir Timothy Thicket, who (she informed me) had found means to incense her brother so much against me, that she found it impossible to undeceive him; but on the contrary, suffered very much in her own character, by his scandalous insinuations—that the whole parish was alarmed, and actually in pursuit of me; so that she had been in the utmost consternation upon my account, well knowing how little my own innocence and her testimony would have weighed with the ignorance, prejudice and brutality of those, who must have judged me, had I been apprehended—that Sir Timothy being seized with a fit of the apoplexy, from which with great difficulty he was recovered, began to be apprehensive of death, and to prepare himself accordingly for that great event; as a step to which, he sent for her brother, owned with great contrition, the brutal design he had upon her, and of consequence acquitted me of the assault, robbery and correspondence with her, which he had laid to my charge, after which confession he lived about a month in a languishing condition, and was carried off by a second assault.
Every word that this dear creature spoke, rivetted the chains with which she held me enslaved! My mischievous fancy began to work, and the tempest of my passion to wake again; when the return of Freeman destroyed the tempting opportunity, and enabled me to quell the rising tumult.—A little while after, the Squire staggered into the room, rubbing his eyes, and called for his tea, which he drank out of a small bowl, qualified with brandy; we sipped some in the ordinary way: Narcissa left us in order to visit her aunt, and when Freeman and I proposed to take our leave, the fox-hunter insisted on our spending the evening at his house with such obstinacy of affection, that we were obliged to comply.—For my own part, I should have been glad of the invitation, by which, in all likelihood, I would be blest with his sister's company, had I not been afraid of risking her esteem, by entering into a debauch of drinking with him, which, from the knowledge of his character, I foresaw would happen; but there was no remedy—I was forced to rely upon the strength of my constitution, which I hoped would resist intoxication longer than the Squire's; and to trust to the good-nature and discretion of my mistress for the rest.
Our entertainer resolving to begin by times, ordered the table to be furnished with liquor and glasses immediately after tea, but we absolutely refused to set in for drinking so soon; and prevailed upon him to pass away an hour or two at whist, in which we engaged as soon as Narcissa returned.—The savage and I happened to be partners at first, and as my thoughts were wholly employed on a more interesting game, I play'd so ill that he lost all patience, swore bitterly, and threatened to call for wine if they would not grant him another associate.—This desire was gratified, and Narcissa and I were of a side; he won for the same reason that made him lose before; I was satisfied, my lovely partner did not repine, and the time slipped away very agreeably, until we were told that supper was served in another room.
The Squire was enraged to find the evening so unprofitably spent, and wrecked his vengeance on the cards, which he tore, and committed to the flames with many execrations; threatning to make us redeem our loss with a large glass and a quick circulation; and indeed we had no sooner supped, and my charmer withdrawn, than he began to put his threats in execution. Three bottles of port (for he drank no other sort of wine) were placed before us, with as many water glasses, which were immediately filled to the brim, after his example, by each out of his respective allowance, and emptied in a trice,
to the best in christendom.
—Though I swallowed this, and the next as fast as the glass could be replenished, without hesitation or shew of reluctance, I perceived that my brain would not be able to bear many bumpers of this sort; and dreading the perseverance of a champion who began with such vigour, I determined to make up for the deficiency of my strength by a stratagem, which I actually put in practice when the second course of bottles was called for.—The wine being strong and heady, I was already a good deal discomposed by the dispatch we had made, Freeman's eyes began to reel, and Bruin himself was elevated into a song, which he uttered with great vociferation.—When I therefore saw the second round brought in, I assumed a gay air, entertained him with a French catch on the subject of drinking, which, though he did not understand it, delighted him highly, and telling him that your choice spirits at Paris never troubled themselves with glasses, asked if he had not a bowl or cup in the house that would contain a whole quart of wine.—
"Odds niggers! (cried he) I have a silver caudle-cup that holds just the quantity, for all the world—fetch it hither, Numps."—
The vessel being produced, I bid him decant his bottle into it, which having done, I nodded in a very deliberate manner, and said,
"Pledge you."—
He stared at me for some time, and crying,
"What! all at one pull, measter Randan?"—
I answered,
"At one pull! Sir, you are no milk-sop—we shall do you justice."—
"Shall you? (said he, shaking me by the hand) odd then, I'll see it out, an't were a mile to the bottom—Here's to our better acquaintance, measter Randan."
So saying, he applied it to his lips, and emptied it in a breath.—I knew the effect of it would be almost instantaneous; therefore, taking the cup, I began to discharge my bottle into it, telling him he was now qualified to drink with the Cham of Tartary.—I had no sooner pronounced these words, than he took umbrage at them, and after several attempts to spit, made shift to stutter out,
"A f—f—t for your Chams of T—Tartary! I am a f—f—free-born Englishman, worth th—three thousand a year, and v—value no man, damme!"—
then dropping his jaw, and fixing his eyes, he hick up'd aloud, and fell upon the floor as mute as a flounder.—Mr. Freeman, heartily rejoiced at his deseat, assisted me in carrying him to bed, where we left him to the care of his servants, and went home to our respective habitations, congratulating one another on our good fortune.
CHAP. LVII.
Miss Williams informs me of Narcissa's approbation of my flame—I appease the Squire—write to my Mistress, am blessed with an answer—beg leave of her brother to dance with her at a ball; obtain his consent and her's—enjoy a private conversation with her—am perplexed with reflections—have the honour of appearing her partner at the ball—we are complimented by a certain Nobleman—he discovers some symptoms of passion for Narcissa—I am stung with jealousy—Narcissa alarmed, retires—I observe Melinda in the company—the Squire is captivated by her beauty.
I Was met next morning, at the usual place by Miss Williams, who gave me joy of the progress I had made in the affection of her mistress, and blessed me with an account of that dear creature's conversation with her, after she had retired the night before from our company.—I could scarce believe her information, when she recounted her expressions in my favour, so much more warm and passionate were they than my most sanguine hopes had presaged; and was particularly pleased to hear that she approved of my behaviour to her brother, after she withdrew.— Transported at the news of my happiness, I presented my ring to the messenger, as a testimony of my gratitude and satisfaction; but she was above such mercenary considerations, and refused my compliment with some resentment, saying, she was not a little mortified to see my opinion of her so low and contemptible.—I did myself a piece of justice by explaining my behaviour on this head, and to convince her of my esteem, promised to be ruled by her directions in the prosecution of the whole affair, which I had so much at heart, that the repose of my life depended upon the consequence.
As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might pour out the effusions of my love, without danger of being interrupted, and perhaps reap some endearing return from the queen of my desires, I implored her advice and assistance in promoting this event;—but she gave me to understand, that Narcissa would make no precipitate compliances of this kind, and that I would do well to cultivate her brother's acquaintance, in the course of which, I would not want opportunities of removing that reserve, which my mistress thought herself obliged to maintain during the infancy of our correspondence.—In the mean time, she promised to tell her lady that I had endeavoured by presents and persuasions, to prevail upon her, (Miss Williams) to deliver a letter from me, which she had refused to charge herself with, until she should know Narcissa's sentiments of the matter; and said, by these means she did not doubt of being able to open a literary communication between us, which could not fail of introducing more intimate connexions.
I approved of her counsel, and our appointment being renewed for next day, left her with an intent of falling upon some method of being reconciled to the Squire, who, I supposed, would be offended with the trick we had put upon him.—With this view, I consulted Freeman, who from his knowledge of the Fox-hunter's disposition, assured me there was no other method of pacifying him, than that of sacrificing ourselves for one night, to an equal match with him in drinking: This I found myself necessitated to comply with, for the interest of my passion, and therefore determined to commit the debauch at my own lodgings, that I might run no risk of being discovered by Narcissa, in a state of brutal degeneracy.—Mr. Freeman, who was to be of the party, went, at my desire, to the Squire in order to engage him, while I took care to furnish myself for his reception.—My invitation was accepted, my guests honoured me with their company in the evening, when Bruin gave me to understand that he had drank many tuns of wine in his life, but was never served such a trick as I had played upon him the night before. I promised to atone for my trespass, and having ordered to every man his bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the health of Narcissa.—The toasts circulated with great devotion, the liquor began to operate, our mirth grew noisy, and as Freeman and I had the advantage of drinking small French claret, the savage was effectually tamed before our senses were in the least affected, and carried home in a kind of apoplexy of drunkenness.
I was next morning, as usual, savoured with a visit from my kind and punctual confidante, who telling me, she was permitted to receive my letters for her mistress; I took up the pen immediately, and following the first dictates of my passion, wrote as follows:
DEAR. MADAM,
WERE it possible for the powers of utterance, to reveal the soft emotions of my soul; the fond anxiety, the glowing hopes, and chilling fears that rule my breast by turns; I should need no other witness than this paper, to evince the purity and ardour of that flame your charms have kindled in my heart. But alas! expression wrongs my love! I am inspired with conceptions that no language can convey! Your beauty fills me with wonder! your understanding with ravishment, and your goodness with adoration! I am transported with desire, distracted with doubts, and tortured with impatience! Suffer me then, lovely arbitress of my fate, to approach you in person, to breathe in soft murmurs my passion to your car, to offer the sacrifice of a heart overflowing with the most genuine and disinterested love; to gaze with exstasy on the divine object of my wishes, to hear the musick of her enchanting tongue! to rejoice in her smiles of approbation, and banish the most intolerable suspence from the bosom of
Your enraptured
R— R—.
Having finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of my faithful friend, with an injunction to second my intreaty with all her eloquence and influence; and in the mean time went to dress, with an intention of visiting Mrs. Snapper and Miss, whom I had utterly neglected and indeed almost forgot, since my dear Narcissa had resumed the empire of my soul. The old gentlewoman received me very kindly, and Miss affected a frankness and gaiety, which, however, I could easily perceive was forced and dissembled; among other things, she pretended to joke me upon my passion for Narcissa, which she averred was no secret, and asked if I intended to dance with her at the next assembly.—I was a good deal concerned to find myself become the town-talk on this subject, lest the Squire, having notice of my inclinations, should disapprove of them, and by breaking off all correspondence with me, deprive me of the opportunities I now enjoyed.—But I resolved to use the interest I had with him, while it lasted; and that very night, meeting him occasionally, asked his permission to solicit her company at the ball, which he very readily granted, to my inexpressible satisfaction.
Having been kept awake the greatest part of the night, by a thousand delightful reveries that took possession of my fancy, I got up betimes, and flying to the place of rendezvous, had in a little time the pleasure of seeing Miss Williams approach with a smile on her countenance, which I interpreted into a good omen. Neither was I mistaken in my presage: She presented me with a letter from the idol of my soul, which, after having kissed it with great devotion, I opened with the utmost eagerness, and was blessed with her approbation in these terms.
SIR,
TO say I look upon you with indifference, would be a piece of dissimulation which, I think, no decorum requires, and no custom can justify. As my heart never felt an impression that my tongue was ashamed to declare, I will not scruple to own myself pleased with your passion, confident of your integrity, and so well convinced of my own discretion, that I should not hesitate in granting you the interview you desire, were I not over-awed by the prying curiosity of a malicious world, the censure of which might be fatally prejudicial to the reputation of
Your
NARCISSA.
No Anchorite in the exstasy of devotion, ever adored a relique with more fervour than that with which I kissed this inimitable proof of my charmer's candour, generosity and affection! I read it over an hundred times; was ravished with her confession in the beginning; but the subscription of YOUR NARCISSA, yielded me such delight as I had never felt before! My happiness was still increased by Miss Williams, who blessed me with a repetition of her lady's tender expressions in my favour, when she received and read my letter.—In short, I had all the reason in the world to believe that this gentle creature's bosom was possessed by a passion for me, as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous, as mine for her.
I informed my friend of the Squire's consent, with regard to my dancing with Narcissa at the ball, and desired her to tell her mistress, that I would do myself the honour of visiting her in the afternoon, in consequence of his permission, when I hoped to find her as indulgent as her brother had been complaisant in that particular.—Miss Williams expressed a good deal of joy, at hearing I was so much in favour with the fox-hunter, and ventured to assure me, that my visit would be very agreeable to my mistress, the rather because Bruin was engaged to dine abroad.—This was a circumstance, which I scarce need say, pleased me.—I went immediately to the long-room, where I found him, and affecting to know nothing of his engagement, told him, I would do myself the pleasure to wait upon him in the afternoon, and to present his sister with a ticket for the ball.—He shook me by the hand, according to custom, and giving me to understand that he was to dine abroad, desired me to go and drink tea with Narcissa notwithstanding, and promised to prepare her for my visit in the mean time.
Every thing succeeding thus to my wish, I waited with incredible patience for the time, which no sooner arrived, than I hastened to the scene, which my fancy had pre-occupied long before.—I was introduced accordingly, to the dear enchantress, whom I found accompanied by Miss Williams, who, on pretence of ordering tea, retired at my approach.—This favourable accident, which alarmed my whole soul, disordered her also.—I found myself actuated by an irresistible impulse, I advanced to her with eagerness and awe; and profiting by the confusion that prevailed over her, clasped the fair angel in my arms, and imprinted a glowing kiss upon her lips, more soft and fragrant than the dewy rosebud just bursting from the stem! Her face was in an instant covered with blushes, her eyes sparkled with resentment; I threw myself at her feet, and implored her pardon.—Her love became advocate in my cause; her look softened into forgiveness, she raised me up, and chid me with so much sweetness of displeasure, that I was tempted to repeat the offence, had not the coming of a servant with the tea-board, prevented my presumption.—While we were subject to be interrupted or over-heard, we conversed about the approaching ball, at which she promised to grace me as a partner; but when the equipage was removed, and we were left alone, I resumed the more interesting theme, and expressed myself with such transport and agitation, that my mistress, fearing I would commit some extravagance, rung the bell for her maid, whom she detained in the room, as a check upon my vivacity.—I was not sorry for this precaution, because I could unbosom myself without reserve, before Miss Williams, who was the confidante of us both.—I therefore gave a loose to the inspirations of my passion, which operated so successfully upon the tender affections of Narcissa, that she laid aside the restraint she had hitherto wore, and blessed me with the most melting declaration of her mutual flame!—It was impossible for me to forbear taking the advantage of this endearing condescension.—She now gently yielded to my embrace, while I encircling all that I held dear, within my arms, tasted in advance, the joys of that paradise I hoped in a little time wholly to possess!—We spent the afternoon in all the exstacy of hope that the most fervent love exchanged by mutual vows could inspire; and Miss Williams was so much affected with our chaste caresses, which recalled the sad remembrance of what she was, that her eyes were filled with tears.
The evening being pretty far advanced, I forced myself from the dear object of my flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace at parting; and repairing to my lodgings, communicated to my friend Strap every circumstance of my happiness, which filled him with so much pleasure, that it run over at his eyes; and he prayed heartily, that no envious devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of blessing from my lip.—When I reflected on what had happened, and especially on the unreserved protestations of Narcissa's love, I could not help being amazed at her omitting to enquire into the particular circumstances of the life and fortune of one whom she had favoured with her affection, and I began to be a little anxious about the situation of her finances; well knowing that I should do an irreparable injury to the person my soul held most dear, if I should espouse her, without being enabled to support her in the rank which was certainly her due.—I had heard indeed, while I served her aunt, that her father had left her a considerable sum; and that every body believed she would inherit the greatest part of her kinswoman's dowry, but I did not know how far she might be restricted by the old gentleman's will, in the enjoyment of what he left her; and I was too well informed of the virtuosi's late conduct, to think my mistress could have any expectations from that quarter.—I confided, however, in the good sense and delicacy of my charmer, who, I was sure, would not consent to unite her fate with mine, before she had fully considered and provided for the consequence.
The Ball-night being arrived, I dressed myself in a suit I had reserved for some grand occasion; and having drank tea with Narcissa and her brother, conducted my angel to the scene, where she in a moment eclipsed all her female competitors for beauty, and attracted the admiration of the whole assembly.—My heart dilated with pride on this occasion, and my triumph rejected all bounds, when, after we had danced together, a certain nobleman, remarkable for his figure and influence in the
beau monde,
came up, and in the hearing of all present, honoured us with a very particular compliment, upon our accomplishments and appearance;—but this transport was soon checked, when I perceived his lordship attach himself with great assiduity to my mistress; and say some warm things, which I thought, savoured too much of passion.—It was then I began to feel the pangs of jealousy—I dreaded the power and address of my rival—I sickened at his discourse; when she opened her lips to answer, my heart died within me—when she smiled, I felt the pains of the damned!—I was enraged at his presumption; I cursed her complaisance! when he quitted her and went to the other side of the room.—Narcissa suspecting nothing of the rage that inflamed me, put some questions to me, as soon as he was gone, to which I made no other reply than a grim look, which too well denoted the agitation of my breast, and surprized her not a little.—She no sooner observed my emotion, than she changed colour, and asked what ailed me; but before I could make answer, her brother pulling me by the sleeve, bid me take notice of a lady who sat fronting us, whom I immediately, to my vast astonishment, distinguished to be Melinda, accompanied by her mother and an elderly gentleman, whom I did not know.—
"Wounds! Mr. Randan, (cried the Squire) is she not a delicate piece of stuff?—'Sdeath! I have a good mind—if I thought she was a single person."—
Notwithstanding the perplexity I was in, I had reflection enough to foresee that my passion might suffer greatly by the presence of this lady, who in all probability would revenge herself upon me for having formerly disgraced her, by spreading reports to my prejudice.—I was therefore alarmed at these symptoms of the Squire's admiration; and for some time did not know what reply to make, when he asked my opinion of her beauty: At length I came to a determination, and told him that her name was Melinda, that she had a fortune of ten thousand pounds, and was said to be under promise of marriage to a certain lord, who deferred his nuptials, until he should be of age, which would happen in a few months:—I thought this piece of intelligence, which I had myself invented, would have hindered him effectually from entertaining any further thoughts of her; but I was egregiously mistaken: The fox-hunter had too much self-sufficiency to despair of success with any competitor on earth. He therefore made light of her engagement, saying, with a smile of self-approbation,
"Mayhap she will change her mind—what signifies his being a Lord?—I think myself as good a man as e'er a Lord in christendom; and I'll see if a commoner worth three thousand a year won't serve her turn."—
This determination startled me not a little; I knew he would soon discover the contrary of what I advanced, and as I believed he would find her ear open to his addresses, did not doubt of meeting with every obstacle in my amour, that her malice could invent, and her influence with him execute.—This reflection increased my chagrin—My vexation was evident—Narcissa insisted on going home immediately; and as I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with a look full of languishment, ditected to her a profound bow, which stung me to the soul.—Before she went into the chair, she asked, with an appearance of concern, what was the matter with me? and I could pronounce no more than,
"By heaven! I'm distracted!"
CHAP. LVIII.
Tortured with jealousy, I go home and abuse Strap—receive a message from Narcissa, in consequence of which, I hasten to her apartment, where her endearing assurances banish all my doubts and apprehensions—in my retreat I discover somebody in the dark, whom, suspecting to be a spy, I resolve to kill: but, to my great surprize, am convinced of his being no other than Strap—Melinda slanders me—I become acquainted with Lord Quiverwit, who endeavours to sound me, with regard to Narcissa—the Squire is introduced to his lordship, and grows cold towards me—I learn from my confidante, that this nobleman professes honourable love to my mistress, who continues faithful to me, notwithstanding the scandalous reports she has heard to my prejudice—I am mortified with an assurance that her whole fortune depends upon the pleasure of her brother—Mr. Freeman condoles me on the decline of my character, which I vindicate so much to his satisfaction, that he undertakes to combat same in my behalf.
HAVING uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed, I went home in the condition of a frantic Bedlamite; and finding the fire in my apartment almost extinguished, vented my fury upon poor Strap, whose ear I pinched with such violence, that he roared hideously with pain, and when I quitted my hold looked so foolishly aghast, that no unconcerned spectator could have seen him, without been seized with an immoderate fit of laughter.—It it true, I was soon sensible of the injury I had done, and asked pardon for the outrage I had committed; upon which my faithful valet, shaking his head, said,
"I forgive you, and may God forgive you."—
But he could not help shedding some tears at my unkindness. I felt unspeakable remorse for what I had done, cursed my own ingratitude, and considered his tears as a reproach that my soul, in her present disturbance, could not bear.—It set all my passions into a new ferment, I swore horrible oaths without meaning or application, I foamed at the mouth, kicked the chairs about the room, and play'd abundance of mad pranks that frightened my friend almost out of his senses.—At length my transport subsided, I became melancholy, and wept insensibly.
During this state of dejection, I was surprized with the appearance of Miss Williams, whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had conducted into the chamber without giving me previous notice of her approach:—She was extremely affected with my condition, which she had learned from him, begged me to moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures, and follow her to Narcissa, who desired to see me forthwith.—That dear name operated upon me like a charm! I started up, and without opening my lips, was conducted into her apartment through the garden, which we entered by a private door.—I found the adorable creature in tears! I was melted at the fight—we continued silent for some time—my heart was too full to speak—her snowy bosom heaved with fond resentment; at last she sobbing cried,
"What have I done to disoblige you?"—
My heart was pierced with the tender question! I drew near with the utmost reverence of affection! I fell upon my knees before her, and kissing her hand, exclaimed,
"O! thou art all goodness and perfection! I am undone by my want of merit! I am unworthy to possess thy charms, which heaven hath destined for the arms of some more favoured being."—
She guessed the cause of my disquiet, upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and gave me such flattering assurances of her eternal fidelity, that all my doubts and fears forsook me, and peace and satisfaction reigned within my breast.
At midnight I left the kind nymph to her repose, and being let out by Miss Williams, at the garden gate by which I entered, began to explore my way homeward in the dark, when I heard at my back a noise like that of a baboon when he mows and chatters. I turned instantly, and perceiving something black, concluded I was discovered by some spy, employed to watch for that purpose: Arroused at this conjecture, by which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa appeared in jeopardy, I drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him to her same, had not the voice of Strap restrained my arm: It was with great difficulty he could pronounce,
"D—d—d—do! mum—um—um—murder me, if you please!"
Such an effect had the cold upon his jaws, that his teeth rattled like a pair of castanets—Pleased to be thus undeceived, I laughed at his consternation, and asked what brought him thither? Upon which he gave me to understand, that his concern for me had induced him to dodge me to that place, where the same reason had detained him till now; and he frankly owned, that in spite of the esteem he had for Miss Williams, he began to be very uneasy about me, considering the disposition in which I went abroad; and if I had staid much longer, would have certainly alarmed the neighbourhood in my behalf.—The knowledge of this his intention confounded me! I represented to him the mischievous consequences that would have attended such a rash action, and cautioning him severely against any such design for the future, concluded my admonition with an assurance, that in case he should ever act so madly, I would, without hesitation put him to death.—
"Have a little patience (cried he, in a lamentable tone) your displeasure will do the business, without your committing murder."—
I was touched with this reproach; and as soon as we got home, made it my business to appease him, by explaining the cause of that transport, during which I had used him so unworthily.
Next day when I went into the long room, I observed several whispers circulate all of a sudden; and did not doubt that Melinda had been busy with my character; but I consoled myself with the love of Narcissa, upon which I rested with the most perfect confidence, and going up to the rowly-powly table, won a few pieces from my suspected rival, who with an easy politeness, entered into conversation with me, and desiring my company to the coffee-house, treated me with tea and chocolate.—I remembred Strutwell, and guarded against his insinuating behaviour; nor was my suspicion wrong placed; he artfully turned the discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured, by hinting at an intrigue he pretended to be engaged in elsewhere, to learn what connexion there was between her and me.—But all his finesse was ineffectual; I was convinced of his dissimulation, and gave such general answers to his inquiries, that he was forced to drop the subject and talk of something else.
While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in, with another gentleman, who introduced him to his lordship; and he was received with such peculiar marks of distinction, that I was persuaded the courtier intended to use him in some shape or another; and thence I conceived an unlucky omen.—But I had more cause to be dismayed the following day, when I saw the Squire in company with Melinda and her mother, who honoured me with several disdainful glances; and when I afterwards threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial shake of the hand, returned my salute with a cold repetition of
"Servant, servant,"
which he pronounced with such indifference, or rather contempt, that if he had not been Narcissa's brother I should have affronted him in publick.
These occurrences disturbed me not a little, I foresaw the brooding storm, and armed myself with resolution for the occasion; but Narcissa being at stake, I was far from being resigned.—I could have renounced every other comfort of life with some degree of fortitude; but the prospect of losing her, disabled all my philosophy, and tortured my soul into madness.
Miss Williams found me, next morning, full of anxious tumult, which did not abate, when she told me, that my Lord Quiverwit, having professed honourable intentions, had been introduced to my lovely Mistress by her brother, who had at the same time, from the information of Melinda, spoke of me as an Irish fortune-hunter, without either birth or estate to recommend me; who supported myself in the appearance of a gentleman by sharping, and other infamous practices; and who was of such an obscure origin, that I did not even know my own extraction.—Though I expected all this, I could not hear it with temper, especially as truth was so blended with falshood in the assertion, that it would be almost impossible to separate the one from the other in my vindication.—But I said nothing on this head, being impatient to know how Narcissa had been affected with the discovery.—That generous creature, far from believing these imputations, was no sooner withdrawn with her confidante, than she inveighed with great warmth against the malevolence of the world, to which only she ascribed the whole of what had been said to my disadvantage; and calling every circumstance of my behaviour to her, into review before her, found every thing so polite, honourable and disinterested, that she could not harbour the least doubt of my being the gentleman I appeared to be.—
"I have indeed (said she) purposely forbore to ask the particulars of his life, lest the recapitulation of some misfortunes, which he has undergone, should give him pain: And as to the article of his fortune, I own myself equally afraid of inquiring into it, and of discovering the situation of my own, lest we should find ourselves both unhappy in the explanation; for alas! my provision is conditional, and depends entirely on my marrying with my brother's consent."
Thunderstruck with this intelligence, the light forsook my eyes, the colour vanished from my cheeks, and I remained in a state of universal trepidation!—My female friend perceiving my disorder, encouraged me with assurances of Narcissa's constancy, and the hope of some accident favourable to our love; and as a further consolation let me know, that she had acquaint
d my mistress with the out-lines of my life; and that although she was no stranger to the present low state of my finances, her love and esteem were rather encreased than diminished by the knowledge of my circumstances.—I was greatly comforted by this assurance, which saved me a world of confusion and anxiety: For I must have imparted my situation one day to Narcissa; and this I could not have done without shame and disorder.
As I did not doubt that by this time, the scandalous aspersions of Melinda were diffused all over the town, I resolved to collect my whole strength of assurance, to brow-beat the efforts of her malice, and to publish her adventure with the Frenchified barber, by way of reprisal.—In the mean time, having promised to be at the garden gate about midnight, Miss Williams took her leave, bidding me repose myself entirely on the affection of my dear Narcissa, which was as perfect as inviolable.—Before I went abroad I was visited by Freeman, who came on purpose to acquaint me with the infamous stories, that were raised at my expence; I heard them with great temper, and in my turn informed him of every thing that had happened between Melinda and me; and among other things entertained him with the story of the barber, letting him know what share his friend Banter had in that affair: He was convinced of the injury my reputation had suffered, and no longer doubting the source from whence this deluge of slander had flowed upon me, undertook to undeceive the town in my behalf, and roll the stream back upon its origin; but in the mean time cautioned me from appearing in publick while the prepossession was strong against me, lest I should meet with some affront that might have bad consequences.
CHAP. LIX.
I receive an extraordinary message at the door of the long room, which I however enter, and affront the Squire, who threatens to take the law of me—I rebuke Melinda for her malice—She weeps with vexation—Lord Quiverwit is severe upon me—I retort his sarcasm—am received with the utmost tenderness by Narcissa, who desires to hear the story of my life—we vow eternal constancy to one another—I retire—am waked by a messenger, who brings a challenge from Quiverwit, whom I meet, engage, and vanquish.
I Thanked him for his advice, which, however, my pride and resentment would not permit me to follow; for he no sooner left me, in order to do justice to my character among his friends and acquaintance, than I sallied out, and went directly to the long-room.—I was met at the door by a servant, who presented to me a billet without a subscription, importing that my presence was disagreeable to the company, and desiring I would take the hint without further disturbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for the future.—This peremptory message filled me with indignation.—I followed the fellow who delivered it, and seizing him by the collar, in presence of all the company, threatned to put him instantly to death, if he did not discover the scoundrel who had charged him with such an impudent commission, that I might punish him as he deserved.—The messenger, affrighted at my menaces and furious looks, fell upon his knees, and told me, that the gentleman who ordered him to deliver the letter was no other than Narcissa's brother, who at that time stood at the other end of the room, talking to Melinda.—I went up to him immediately, and in the hearing of his inamorata, accosted him in these words:
"Lookee, Squire, was it not for one consideration that protects you from my resentment, I would cane you where you stand, for having had the presumption to send me this scurrilous intimation,"
which I tore to pieces and threw in his face; at the same time dartingan angry regard at his mistress, and telling her, I was sorry she had put it out of my power to compliment her upon her invention, but at the expence of her good nature and veracity.—Her admirer, whose courage never rose but in proportion to the wine he had swallowed, instead of resenting my address in what is called an honourable way, threatned to prosecute me for an assault, and took witnesses accordingly; while she, piqued at his pusilanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sarcasm I had uttered against her, endeavoured to make her quarrel a publick cause, and wept aloud with spite and vexation.—The tears of a lady could not fail of attracting the notice and concern of the spectators, to whom she complained of my rudeness, with great bitterness, saying, If she was a man I durst not use her so.—The greatest part of the gentlemen, already prejudiced against me, were offended at the liberty I had taken, as appeared from their looks; though none of them signified their disgust any other way, except my Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to say with a sneer, that I was in the right to establish my own character, of which he had now no longer any doubt.—Nettled at this severe
equivoque,
which raised a laugh at my expence, I replied with some warmth,
"I am proud of having in that particular got the start of your lordship."—
He made no answer to my repartee, but with a contemptuous smile, walked off, leaving me in a very disagreeable situation.—In vain did I make up to several people of my acquaintance, whose conversation, I hoped, would banish my confusion; every body shunned me like a person infected, and I should not have been able to bear my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever faithful and fond Narcissa come to my relief.—I quitted the scene of my mortification, and sauntering about the town, happened to wake from my contemplation, when I found myself just opposite to a toy-shop, which I entered, and purchased a ring set with a ruby in the form of a heart, surrounded by diamond sparks, for which I paid ten guineas, intending it for a present to the charmer of my soul.
I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine creature, who, notwithstanding what she had heard to my disadvantage, received me with the utmost confidence and tenderness; and having been informed of the general sketches of my life, by Miss Williams, expressed a desire of knowing the particular circumstances, which I related with great candour, omitting however, some things which I concluded altogether improper for her ear, and which the reader's reflection will easily suggest.—As my story was little else than a recital of misfortunes, the tear of sympathy ceased not to trickle from her inchanting eyes, during the whole of the narration, which when I had finished, she recompensed me for my trouble, with the most endearing protestations of eternal love.—She bewailed her restricted condition, as it was the means of retarding my happiness; told me, that Lord Quiverwit, by her brother's permission, had been to drink tea with her that very afternoon, and actually proposed marriage; and seeing me extremely affected with this piece of information, offered to give me a convincing proof of her affection, by espousing me in private, and leaving the rest to fate.—I was penetrated with this instance of her regard, but that I might not be outdone in generosity, resisted the bewitching temptation, in consideration of her honour and interest; at the same time, presented my ring as a pledge of my inviolable attachment, and on my knees, implored heaven to shower its curses on my head, if ever my heart should entertain one thought unworthy of the passion that I then avowed.—She received my token, gave me in return her picture in miniature, exquisitely drawn and set in gold; and in the same posture called heaven to witness and to judge her flame.—Our vows thus reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope ensued, and our mutual fondness becoming as intimate as innocence would allow, I grew insensible of the progress of time, and it was morning before I could tear myself from this darling of my soul!—My good angel foresaw what would happen, and prompted me to indulge myself on this occasion, in consideration of the fatal absence I was doomed to suffer.
I went to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and having slept about two hours, was waked by Strap, who, in great confusion, told me, there was a footman below with a letter for me, which he would deliver to no body but myself.—Alarmed at this piece of news, I desired my friend to shew him up to my chamber, and received a letter from him, which, he said, required an immediate answer: Upon which I opened it, and read
SIR,
WHEN any man injures my honour, let the difference of rank between us be ever so great, I am contented to wave the privilege of my quality, and seek reparation from him on equal terms.—The insolence of your reply to me yesterday, in the longroom, I might have overlooked, had not your presumptive emulation in a much more interesting affair, and a discovery which I made this morning, concurred in persuading me to chastise your audacity with my sword.—If you therefore, have spirit enough to support the character you assume, you will not fail to follow the bearer immediately to a convenient place, where you shall be met by
Quiverwit.
Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, or awed by the superior station of my antagonist, I know not, but I never had less inclination to fight than at this time: However, finding there was a necessity for vindicating the reputation of my mistress, as well as for asserting my own honour, I forthwith rose, and dressing in a hurry, put on my sword, bid Strap attend me, and set out with my conductor, cursing my bad fortune all the way, for having been observed in my return from my angel—So I interpreted his lordship discovery.—When I came within sight of my rival, his lacquey told me, he had orders to stop; upon which, I commanded Strap to halt also, while I walked forward; resolved, if possible, to come to an explanation with my challenger, before we should come to battle.—Nor was an opportunity wanting; for I no sooner approached, than he asked with a stern countenance, what business I had in Mr. Tophall's garden, so early in the morning:—
"I don't know, my Lord, (said I) how to answer a question put to me with such a magisterial haughtiness.—If your lordship will please to expostulate calmly, you will have no cause to repent of your condescension—Otherwise, I am not to be intimidated into any confession."—
"There's no room for denial (answered he) I saw you come out with my own eyes."—
"Did any other person see me?" (said I.)—
"I neither know nor care (said he) I want no other evidence than that of my own senses."—
Pleased to hear that the suspicion was confined to him alone, I endeavoured to appease his jealousy, by owning an intrigue with the waiting-maid; but he had too much discernment to be so easily imposed upon, and told me there was only one way to convince him of the truth of what I alledged; which was no other than renouncing all claim to Narcissa upon oath, and promising upon honour, never to speak to her for the future.—Exasperated at this proposal, I unsheathed my sword, saying,
"Heavens! what title have you, or any man on earth, to impose such terms on me!"
He did the same, and making towards me with a contracted brow, said I was a villain, and had dishonoured Narcissa.—
"He's a scandalous villain (I replied, in a transport of fury) who brands me with that imputation! She is a thousand times more chaste than the mother who bore you; and I will assert her honour with my heart's blood!"—
So saying, I rushed upon him with more eagerness than address, and endeavouring to get within his point, received a wound in my neck, which redoubled my rage.—He excelled me in temper as well as in skill, by which means he parried my thrusts with great calmness, until I had almost exhausted my spirits; and when he perceived me beginning to flag, attacked me fiercely in his turn.—Finding himself however better opposed than he expected, he resolved to follow his longe, and close with me; accordingly, his sword entered my waistcoat, on the side of the breast-bone, and running up between my shirt and skin, appeared over my left shoulder: I imagined that his weapon had perforated my lungs, and of consequence, that the wound was mortal; therefore determined not to die unrevenged, I seized his shell, which was close to my breast, before he could disintangle his point, and keeping it fast with my left hand, shortned my own sword with my right, intending to run him through the heart; but he received the thrust in the left arm, which penetrated up to the shoulder-blade.—Disappointed in this expectation, and afraid still that death would frustrate my revenge, I grappled with him, and being much the stronger, threw him upon the ground, where I wrested his sword out of his hand, and so great was my confusion, instead of turning the point upon him, struck out three of his fore-teeth with the hilt.—In the mean time, our servants seeing us fall, run up to separate and assist us; but before their approach, I was upon my feet, and had discovered, that my supposed mortal wound was only a slight scratch. The knowledge of my own safety, disarmed me of a good deal of my resentment, and I began to enquire with some concern into the situation of my antagonist, who remained on the ground bleeding plentifully at his mouth and arm.—I helped his footman to raise him, and having bound up his wound with my handkerchief, assured him it was not dangerous; I likewise restored his sword, and offered to support him to his own house.—He thanked me, with an air of sullen dignity; and whispering to me, that I should hear from him soon, went away, leaning on his servant's shoulder.
I was surprized at this promise, which I construed into a threat, and resolved, if ever he should call me out again, to use whatever advantage fortune might give me over him, in another manner.—In the mean time, I had leisure to take notice of Strap, who seemed quite stupified with horror; and (after having recovered him from his exstasy, with an assurance that I had received no damage) to explain the nature of this affair as we walked homeward.—By that time I had got into my apartment, I found the wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good deal of clotted blood run down upon my shirt: Upon which I pulled off my coat and waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I might dress it with more ease.—My friend no sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed with blood, than imagining I had got at least twenty dreadful wounds, he cried,
"O Jesus!"
and fell flat on the floor.—I stopt the bleeding with a little dry lint, and applying a plaister over it, cleaned myself from the gore, shifted and dressed, while he lay senseless at my feet; so that when he recovered, and saw me perfectly well, he could scarce believe his own eyes.—Now that the danger was past, I was very well pleased with what had happened, which I did not doubt, would soon become known, and consequently dignify my character not a little in this place.—I was also proud of having shewn myself, in some shape, worthy of the love of Narcissa, who, I was persuaded, would not think the worse of me for what I had done.
CHAP. LX.
I am visited by Freeman, with whom I appear in public, and am carressed—I am sent for by Lord Quiverwit, whose presence I quit in a passion—Narcissa is carried off by her brother—I intend to pursue him, and am dissuaded by my friend—I engage in play, and lose all my money—set out for London—try my fortune at the gaming-table, without success—receive a letter from Narcissa—bilk my taylor.
WHILE I entertained myself with these reflections, the news of this duel being communicated by some unknown channel, spread all over the town.—I was visited by Freeman, who testified his surprize at finding me, having been told, that Lord Quiverwit being dead of his wounds, I had absconded, in order to avoid the cognizance of the law. I asked if people guessed the occasion of the quarrel; and understanding it was attributed to his lordship's resentment of my reply in the Long-room, confirmed that conjecture, glad to find Narcissa unsuspected.—My friend, after I had assured him that my antagonist was in no danger, wished me joy of the event, than which, he said, nothing could happen more opportunely to support the idea he had given of my character, to his friends, among whom he had been very assiduous in my behalf.
On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the coffee-house, where I was saluted by a great many of those very persons, who shunned me the preceeding day.—And I found every body making merry with the story of Melinda's French gallant.—While I remained in this place, I received a message from Lord Quiverwit, desiring, if I was not engaged, to see me at his house.
Thither I immediately repaired, and was conducted to an apartment where I was received by his lordship in bed.—Being lest by ourselves, he thanked me in very polite terms, for having used the advantage fortune had given me over him, with such moderation; and asked pardon for any offence his resentment might have prompted him to commit.—
"I would willingly, (said he) make you my friend; but as it is impossible for me to divest myself of my passion for Narcissa, I am too well convinced of your sentiments, to think we shall ever agree on that subject. I took the liberty, therefore, of sending for you, in order to own candidly, that I cannot help opposing your success with that young lady; though at the same time, I promise to regulate my opposition by the dictates of justice and honour: This, however, I think proper to advertise you of, that she has no independant fortune, and if you should even succeed in your addresses, you would have the mortification to see her reduced to indigence, unless you have wherewithal to support her—And I am credibly informed of your incapacity that way.—Nay, I will confess, that, urged by this consideration, I have actually sent notice to her brother, of the progress I suspect you have made in her affection, and desired him to take his precautions accordingly."—
Alarmed and provoked at this information, I told his lordship, that I did not see how he could reconcile that piece of conduct with his profession of open dealing, and flung away from him in a passion.
As I walked homeward, in hopes of hearing from my mistress as usual by means of Miss Williams, I was surprized with the waving of a handkerchief, from the window of a coach and six that passed by me at full speed; and upon further observation, I saw a servant on horse-back riding after it, who, I knew by his livery, belonged to the Squire.—Thunderstruck with this discovery, the knowledge of my misfortune rushed all at once upon my reflection! I guessed immediately that the signal was made by the dear hand of Narcissa, who being hurried away in consequence of Lord Quiverwit's message to her brother, had no other method of relating her distress, and imploring my assistance.—Frantick with this conjecture, I run to my lodging, snatched my pistols, and ordered Strap to get post-horses, with such incoherence of speech and disorder, that the poor valet, terrified with the suspicion of another duel, instead of providing what I desired, went forthwith to Freeman, who being informed of my behaviour, came streight to my apartment, and conjured me so pathetically to acquaint him with the cause of my uneasiness, that I could not refuse to tell him my happiness was fled with Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or perish. He represented the madness of such an undertaking, and endeavoured to divert me from it with great strength of friendship and reason: But all his arguments would have been ineffectual, had he not put me in mind of the dependance I ought to have on the love of Narcissa, and attachment of her maid, which could not fail of finding opportunities enow to advertise me of their situation; and at the same time, demonstrated the injury my charmer's reputation must suffer from my precipitate retreat. I was convinced and composed by these considerations: I appeared in publick with an air of tranquility, was well received by the best company in town, and my misfortune taking air, condoled accordingly; while I had the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so universally discountenanced, that she was fain to return to London, in order to avoid the scoffs and censure of the ladies at Bath.—But though the hope of hearing from the darling of my soul supported my spirits a little while, I began to be very uneasy, when at the end of several weeks, I found that expectation disappointed.—In short, melancholy and despondence took possession of my soul; and repining at that providence, which by acting the stepmother towards me, kept me from the fruition of my wishes, I determined, in a fit of despair, to risk all I had at the gaming table, with a view of acquiring a fortune sufficient to render me independant for life; or of plunging myself into such a state of misery, as would effectually crush every ambitious hope that now tortured my imagination.
Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and after some turns of fortune, found myself, at the end of three days, worth a thousand pounds; but it was not my intention to stop there, for which cause I kept Strap ignorant of my success, and continued my career, until I was reduced to five guineas, which I would have hazarded also, had I not been ashamed to fall from a bett of two hundred pounds to such a petty sum.
Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amazed to find myself so much at ease, and informed my friend Strap of my mischance, with such calmness, that he imagining I joked, affected to receive the tidings with great equanimity.—But both he and I found ourselves mistaken very soon.—I had misinterpreted my own stupidity into deliberate resignation, and he had reason to believe me in earnest, when he saw me next morning agitated with the most violent despair, which he endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his power.
In one of my lucid intervals, however, I charged him to take a place in the stage coach for London; and in the mean time, pay'd my debts in Bath, which amounted to thirty shillings only.—Without taking leave of my friends I embarked, Strap having the good fortune to find a return horse, and arrived in town, without having met with any thing remarkable on the road; save that, while we crossed Bagshot Heath, I was seized with a sort of inclination to retrieve my fortune, by laying passengers under contribution, in some such place.—My thoughts were so circumstanced at this time, that I should have digested the crime of robbery, so righteously had I concerted my plan, and ventured my life in the execution, had I not been deterred by reflecting upon the infamy that attends detection.
The apartment I formerly lived in being unengaged, I took possession of it, and next day went in quest of Banter, who received me with open arms, in expectation of having his bond discharged to his liking: But when he understood what had happened, his countenance changed of a sudden; and he told me, with a dryness of displeasure peculiar to himself, that if he was in my place, he would put it out of fortune's power to play him such another trick, and be avenged of his own indiscretion at once.—When I desired him to explain his meaning, he pointed to his neck, raised himself on his tip-toes, and was going away without any further ceremony, when I put him in mind of my indigence, and demanded the five guineas I had formerly lent him.
"Five guineas! (cried he) Zounds! had you acted with common prudence you might have had twenty thousand in your pocket by this time.—I depended upon five hundred from you, as much as if I had had notes for it in the bank; and by all the rules of equity, you are indebted to me for that sum."—
I was neither pleased nor convinced by this computation, and insisted on my right with such determined obstinacy, that he was fain to alter his tone, and appease my clamour, by assuring me, that he was not master of five shillings.—Society in distress, generally promotes good understanding among people; from being a dun, I descended to be a client, and asked his advice about repairing my losses.—He counselled me to have recourse again to the gaming table, where I had succeeded so well before, and to put myself in a condition, by selling my watch.—I followed his directions, and having accommodated him with a few pieces, went to the place, where I lost every shilling.
I returned to my lodgings full of desperate resolution, and having made Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn my sword immediately, that I might be enabled to make another effort.—This affectionate creature no sooner understood my purpose, than seized with insuppressible sorrow at the prospect of my misery, he burst into tears, and asked what I proposed to do after the small sum he could raise on the sword should be spent:
"On my own account (said he) I am quite unconcerned; for while God spares me health and these ten fingers, I can earn a comfortable subsistence any where; but what must become of you, who have less humility to stoop, and more appetites to gratify."—
Here I interrupted him, by saying, with a gloomy aspect, I could never want a resource while I had a loaded pistol in possession.—Stupified with horror, at this dreadful insinuation, he stood mute for some time, and then broke out into
"God of his infinite mercy enable you to withstand that temptation of the devil!—consider your immortal soul—there's no repentance in the grave!—O Lord! that ever it should come to this—Are we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the will of heaven?—where is your patience?—
Durum patientia frango
—you are but a young man—there may be many good things in store for you—
accidit in puncto, quid non speratur in anno
—remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling; perhaps he is now on his voyage homeward, pleasing himself with the hopes of finding and relieving you—nay, peradventure he is already arrived, the ship was expected about this time."—
A ray of hope shot athwart the darkness of my soul, at this suggestion; I thanked my friend for his seasonable recollection, and after having promised to take no resolution till his return, dismissed him to Wapping for intelligence.
In his absence I was visited by Banter, who being informed of my bad luck at play, told me, that fortune would probably be one day weary of persecuting me,
"In the mean time, (said he) here's a letter for you, which I received just now inclosed in one from Freeman."—
I snatched it with eagerness, and knowing the superscription to be of Narcissa's hand-writing, kissed it with transport, and having opened it, read
IT is with great difficulty, that I have stolen from the observation of those spies who are set over me, this opportunity of telling you, that I was suddenly carried away from Bath, by my brother, who was informed of our correspondence by Lord Quiverwit, whom, I since understand, you have wounded in a duel on my account.—As I am fully convinced of your honour and love, I hope I shall never hear of such desperate proofs of either for the future.—I am so strictly watched, that it will be impossible for you to see me, until my brother's suspicion shall abate, or heaven contrive some other unforeseen event in our behalf.—In the mean time, you may depend on the constancy and affection of
Your own
NARCISSA.
P. S. Miss Williams, who is my fellow prisoner, desires to be remembered to you—We are both in good health, and only in pain for you, especially, as it will be impracticable for you to convey any message or letter to the place of our confinement—for which reason, pray desist from the attempt, that by miscarrying must prolong our captivity.
N—.
This kind letter afforded me great consolation: I communicated it to Banter, and at the same time, shewed him her picture: He approved her beauty and good sense, and could not help owning, that my neglect of Miss Snapper was excusable, when such a fine creature engrossed my attention.
I began to be reconciled to my fate, and imagined, that if I could contrive means of subsisting until my uncle should arrive, in case he was not already at home, that he would enable me to do something effectual in behalf of my love and fortune—I therefore consulted Banter about a present supply, who no sooner understood that I had credit with a taylor, than he advised me to take off two or three suits of rich cloaths and convert them into cash, by selling them at half price to a salesman in Monmouth-street.—I was a little startled at his proposal, which I thought savoured a little of fraud; but he rendered it palatable, by observing, that in a few months, I might be in a condition to do every body justice; and in the mean time, I was acquitted by the honesty of my intention—I suffered myself to be persuaded by his salvo, by which my necessity, rather than my judgment, was convinced; and when I found there were no accounts of the ship in which my uncle embarked, actually put the scheme in practice, and raised by it, five and twenty guineas, paying him for his advice with the odd five.
CHAP. LXI.
I am arrested—carried to the Marshalsea—find my old acquaintance beau Jackson in that jail—he informs me of his adventures—Strap arrives, and with difficulty is comforted—Jackson introduces me to a poet—I admire his conversation and capacity—am deeply affected with my misfortune—Strap hires himself as a journeyman-barber.
BUT this expedient was in a few weeks attended with a consequence I did not foresee: a player having purchased one of the suits which were exposed to sale, appeared in it on the stage one night, while my taylor unfortunately happened to be present.—He knew it immediately, and enquiring minutely into the affair, discovered my whole contrivance: upon which he came to my lodgings, and telling me that he was very much straitened for want of money, presented his bill, which amounted to 50
l.
—Surprized at this unexpected address, I affected to treat him cavalierly, swore some oaths, asked if he doubted my honour, and, telling him I should take care who I dealt with for the future, bid him come again in three days.—He obeyed me punctually, demanded his money, and finding himself amused with bare promises, arrested me that very day in the street.—I was not much shocked at this adventure, which, indeed, rescued me from a horrible suspence in which I had lived since his first visit. I refused to go to a spunging-house, where I had heard there was nothing but the most flagrant imposition; and a coach being called, I was carried to the Marshalsea, attended by a bailiff and his follower, who were very much disappointed and chagrined at my resolution.
The turnkey guessing, from my appearance, that I had got money in my pocket, received me with the repetition of the Latin word
depone,
and gave me to understand, that I must pay before-hand for the apartment I should chuse to dwell in.—s desired to see his conveniencies, and hired a small, paultry bed-chamber, for a crown a week, which, in any other place, would not have let at eighteen-pence.—Having taken possession of this dismal habitation, I sent for Strap, and my thoughts were busied in collecting matter of consolation to that faithful squire, when somebody knocked at my door, which I no sooner opened, than a young fellow entered, in very shabby cloaths and marvellous foul linnen. After a low bow, he called me by my name, and asked if I had forgot him. His voice assisted me in recollecting this person, whom I soon recognized to be my old acquaintance beau Jackson, of whom mention is made in the first part of my memoirs.—I saluted him, expressed my satisfaction at finding him alive, and condoled with him on his present situation; which, however, did not seem to affect him much, for he laughed very heartily at the occasion of our meeting so unexpectedly in this place. After our mutual compliments were over, I enquired about his amour with the lady of fortune, which seem'd to be so near an happy conclusion when I had the pleasure of seeing him last: and after an immoderate fit of laughter, he gave me to understand, that he had been egregiously bit in that affair.—
"You must know, (said she) that a few days after our adventure with the bawd and her b—ches, I found means to be married to that same fine lady you speak of, and passed the night with her at her lodgings, so much to her satisfaction, that early in the morning, after a good deal of sniveling and sobbing, she owned, that so far from being an heiress of a great fortune, she was no other than a common woman of the town, who had decoyed me into matrimony, in order to enjoy the privilege of a semme couverte; and that, unless I made my escape immediately, I should be arrested for a debt of her contracting, by bailiffs employed and instructed for that purpose.—Startled at this intimation, I got up in a twinkling, and taking leave of my spouse with several hearty damns, got safe into the verge of the court; where I kept snug, until I was appointed surgeon's mate of a man of war at Portsmouth; for which place I set out on a Sunday, went on board of my ship, in which I sailed to the Straits, where I had the good fortune to be made surgeon of a sloop that came home in a few months after, and was put out of commission: whereupon I came to London, imagining myself forgotten and freed from my wife and her creditors; but had not been in town a week before I was arrested for a debt her's, amounting to 20
l.
and brought to this place, where I have been fixed by another action since that time.—However, you know my disposition; I defy care and anxiety; and being on the half-pay list, make shift to live here tolerably easy."—
I congratulated him on his philosophy, and remembring that I was in his debt, repay'd the money he formerly lent me, which, I believe, was far from being unseasonable. I then enquired about the oeconomy of the place, which he explained to my satisfaction; and after we had agreed to mess together, he was just going to give orders for dinner when Strap arrived.
I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in any countenance, as in that of my honest friend, which was, indeed, particularly adapted by nature for such impressions.—Being left by ourselves, I communicated to him my disaster, and endeavoured to console him with the same arguments he had formerly used to me, withal representing the fair chance I had of being relieved, in a short time, by Mr. Bowling.—But his grief was unutterable; he seemed to give attention without listening, and wrung his hands in silence; so that I was in a fair way of being infected with his behaviour, when Jackson returned, and perceiving the deference I payed to Strap, altho' in a footman's habit, distributed his crumbs of comfort with such mirth, jollity and unconcern, that the features of the distressed squire relaxed by degrees, he recovered the use of speech, and begun to be a little more reconciled to this lamentable event.—We dined together on beiled beef and greens, brought from a cook's shop in the neighbourhood: and altho' this meal was served up in a manner little corresponding with the sphere of life in which I had lately lived, I made a virtue of necessity, eat with good appetite, and treated my friends with a bottle of wine, which had the desired effect, of increasing the good humour of my fellow-prisoner, and exhilarating the spirits of Strap, who now talked of my misfortune
en Cavalier.
After dinner Jackson lest us to our private affairs; when I desired my friend to pack up all our things, and carry them to some cheap lodging he should chuse for himself in the neighbourhood of the Marshalsea, after he had discharged my lodging, for which I gave him money.—I likewise recommended to him the keeping my misfortune secret, and saying to my landlord, or any other who should enquire for me, that I was gone into the country for a few weeks: at the same time I laid strong injunctions upon him to call every second day upon Banter, in case he should receive any letters for me from Narcissa, by the canal of Freeman; and by all means to leave a direction for himself, at my uncle's lodgings in Wapping, by which I might be found when my kinsman should arrive.
When he departed to execute these orders, (which, by the bye, were punctually perform'd that very night) I found myself so little seasoned to my situation, that I dreaded reflection, and sought shelter from it in the company of the beau, who, promising to regale me with a lecture upon taste, conducted me to the common side, where I saw a number of naked miserable wretches assembled together.—We had not been here many minutes, when a figure appeared, wrapp'd in a dirty rug, tied about his loins with two pieces of list, of different colours, knotted together; having a black bushy beard, and his head covered with a huge mass of brown periwig, which seemed to have been ravished from the crown of some scare crow.—This apparition, stalking in with great solemnity, made a profound bow to the audience, who signified their approbation by a general response of
"How d'ye do, doctor?"
He then turned towards us, and honoured Jackson with a particular salutation: upon which my friend, in a formal manner, introduced him to me, by the name of Mr. Melopoyn.—This ceremony being over, he advanced into the middle of the congregation, which crowded around him, and hemming three times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced with great significance of voice and gesture, a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon the difference between genius and taste, illustrating his assertions with apt quotations from the best authors, ancient as well as modern. When he had finished his harangue, which lasted a full hour, he bowed again to the spectators; not one of whom (I was informed) understood so much as a sentence of what he uttered. They manifested, however, their admiration and esteem by voluntary contribution, which, Jackson told me, one week with another, amounted to eighteen pence.—This moderate stipend, together with some small presents that he received for making up differences, and deciding causes amongst the prisoners, just enabled him to breathe and walk about in the grotesque figure I have described.—I understood also, that he was an excellent poet, and had composed a tragedy, which was allowed, by every body who had seen it, to be a performance of great merit; that his learning was infinite, his morals unexceptionable, and his modesty invincible.—Such a character could not fail of attracting my regard; I longed impatiently to be better acquainted with him, and desired Jackson would engage him to spend the evening in my apartment.—My request was granted, he favoured us with his company, and in the course of our conversation, perceiving that I was not illiterate, and that I had a strong passion for the Belle Lettres, acquitted himself so well on that subject, that I expressed a servent desire of seeing his productions.—In this too be gratified my inclination:—he promised to bring his tragedy to my room next day, and, in the mean time, entertained me with some detach'd pieces, which gave me a very advantageous idea of his poetical talent.—Among other things I was particularly pleased with some elegies, in imitation of Tibullus; one of which I beg leave to submit to the reader, as a specimen of his complexion and capacity.
I.
WHere now are all my flatt'ring dreams of joy!
Monimia, give my soul her wonted rest;—
Since first thy beauty fix'd my roving eye,
Heart-gnawing cares corrode my pensive breast!
II.
Let happy lovers fly where pleasures call,
With festive songs beguile the fleeting hour;
Lead beauty thro' the mazes of the ball,
Or press her wanton in love's roseate bow'r.
III.
For me, no more I'll range th' empurpled mead,
Where shepherds pipe, and virgins dance around;
Nor wander thro' the woodbine's fragrant shade,
To hear the music of the grove resound.
IV.
I'll seek some lonely church, or dreary hall,
Where fancy paints the glimm'ring taper blue,
Where damps hang mould'ring on the ivy'd wall,
And sheeted ghosts drink up the midnight dew;
V.
There leagu'd with hopeless anguish and despair,
A-while in silence o'er my fate repine;
Then, with a long farewel to love and care,
To kindred dust my weary limbs consign.
VI.
Wilt thou, Monimia, shed a gracious tear
On the cold grave where all my sorrows rest?
Wilt thou strew flow'rs, applaud my love sincere,
And bid the turf lie light upon my breast!
I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which seem'd so well calculated for my own disappointment in love, that I could not help attaching the idea of Narcissa to the name of Monimia, and of forming such melancholy presages of my passion, that I could not recover my tranquility; and was fain to have recourse to the bottle, which prepared me for a profound sleep that I would not otherwise have enjoyed.—Whether these impressions invited and introduced a train of other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude was all exhausted in the effort I made against despondence, the first day of my imprisonment, I cannot determine; but I awaked in the horrors, and found my imagination haunted with such dismal apparitions, that I was ready to despair:—and believe the reader will own, that I had no great cause to congratulate myself, when I considered my situation.—I was interrupted in the midst of these gloomy apprehensions by the arrival of Strap, who contributed not a little to the re-establishment of my peace, by letting me know that he had hired himself as a journeyman barber; by which means he would not only save me a considerable expence, but even make shift to lay up something for my subsistence after my money should be spent, in case I should not be relieved before.
CHAP. LXII.
I read Melopogn's tragedy, and conceive a vast opinion of his genius—he recounts his adventures.
WHILE we eat our breakfast together, I acquainted him with the character and condition of the poet, who came in with his play at that instant, and imagining we were engaged about business, could not be prevailed upon to sit; but leaving his performance, went away.—My friend's tender heart was melted at the sight of a gentleman and Christian (for he had a great veneration for both these epithits) in such misery; and assented with great chearfulness to a proposal I made of cloathing him with our superfluities; a task with which he charged himself, and departed immediately to perform it.
He was no sooner gone, than I locked my door and sat down to the tragedy, which I read to the end with vast pleasure, not a little amazed at the conduct of the managers who had rejected it.—The fable, in my opinion was well chosen, and naturally conducted, the incidents interesting, the characters beautifully contrasted, strongly marked, and well supported; the diction poetical, spirited and correct; the unities of the drama maintained with the most scrupulous exactness; the opening gradual and engaging; the
surprizing, and the catastrophe affecting: In short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle and Horace, and could find nothing in it exceptionable, but a little too much embellishment in some few places, which objection he removed to my satisfaction, by a quotation from Aristotle's poetics, importing, that the least interesting parts of a poem ought to be raised and dignified by the charms and energy of diction.
I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity to know the particular events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit.—At that instant Strap returned with a bundle of cloaths, which I sent with my compliments to Mr. Melopoyn, as a small token of my regard, and desired the favour of his company to dinner.—He accepted my present and invitation, and in less than half an hour made his appearance in a decent dress, which altered his figure very much to his advantage.—I perceived by his countenance, that his heart was big with gratitude, and endeavoured to prevent his acknowledgments, by asking pardon for the liberty I had taken; he made no reply, but with an aspect full of admiration and esteem, bowed to the ground, while the tears gushed from his eyes.—Affected with these symptoms of an ingenuous mind, I shifted the conversation from this subject, and complimented him on his performance, which I assured him, afforded me infinite pleasure.—My approbation made him happy; dinner being served, and Jackson arrived, I begged their permission for Strap to sit at table with us, after having informed them, that he was a person to whom I was extremely obliged; they were kind enough to grant that savour, and we eat together with great harmony and satisfaction.
Our meal being ended, I expressed my wonder at the little regard Mr. Melopoyn had met with from the world; and signified a desire of hearing how he had been treated by the managers of the play-houses, to whom, I understood from Jackson, he had offered his tragedy, without success.—
"There is so little entertaining in the incidents of my life (said he) that I am sure the recital will not recompence your attention; but since you discover an inclination to know them, I understand my duty too well to disappoint your desire.
MY father, who was a curate in the country, being by the narrowness of his circumstances, hindred from maintaining me at the university, took the charge of my education upon himself, and laboured with such industry and concern in the undertaking, that I had little cause to regret the want of publick masters.—Being at great pains to consult my natural byass, he discovered in me betimes, an inclination for poetry; upon which he recommended to me an intimate acquaintance with the classicks, in the cultivation of which, he assisted me with paternal zeal and uncommon erudition.—When he thought me sufficiently acquainted with the ancients, he directed my studies to the best modern authors, French and Italian as well as English, and laid a particular injunction upon me, to make myself master of my mother tongue.
About the age of eighteen, I grew ambitious of undertaking a work of some consequence; and with my father's approbation, actually planned the tragedy you have read; but before I had finished four acts, that indulgent parent died, and left my mother and me in very indigent circumstances.—A near relation compassionating our distress, took us into his family, where I brought my fable to a conclusion; and soon after, my mother quitted this life.—When my sorrow for this melancholy event had subsided, I told my kinsman, who was a farmer, that having paid my last duty to my parent, I had now no attachment to detain me in the country, and therefore was resolved to set out for London, and offer my play to the stage, where I did not doubt of acquiring a large share of fame as well as fortune; in which case I should not be unmindful of my friends and benefactors.—My cousin was ravished with the prospect of my felicity, and willingly contributed towards the expence of fitting me out for my expedition.
Accordingly, I took a place in the waggon, and arrived in town, where I hired an apartment in a garret, willing to live as frugally as possible, until I should know what I had to expect from the manager, to whom I intended to offer my play.—For though I looked upon myself as perfectly secure of a good reception, imagining that a patentee would be as eager to receive, as I to present my production; I did not know whether or not he might be pre-engaged in favour of another author, which would certainly retard my success.—On this consideration too, I determined to be speedy in my application, and even to wait upon one of the managers, the very next day. For this purpose, I enquired of my landlord, if he knew where either, or both of them lived; and he being curious to know my business, and at the same time, appearing to be a very honest friendly man (a tallow-chandler) I made him acquainted with my design; upon which he told me, that I went the wrong way to work; that I would not find such easy access to a manager as I imagined; and that if I delivered my performance without proper recommendation, it would be as one to a thousand if ever it should be minded.—
"Take my advice (said he) and your business is done.—One of the patentees is a good catholick, as I am, and uses the same father who confesses me.—I will make you acquainted with this good priest, who is an excellent scholar, and if he shall approve of your play, his recommendation will go a great way in determining Mr. Supple to bring it on the stage."—
I applauded his expedient, and was introduced to the friar, who having perused the tragedy, was pleased to signify his approbation, and commended me in particular, for having avoided all reflections upon religion.—He promised to use all his influence with his son Supple, in my behalf, and to inform himself that very day, when it would be proper for me to wait upon him with the piece.—He was punctual in performing his engagement, and next morning gave me to understand, that he had mentioned my affair to the manager, and that I had no more to do, than to go to his house any time in the forenoon, and make use of his name, upon which I would find immediate admittance.—I took his advice, put my performance in my bosom, and having received directions, went immediately to the house of Mr. Supple, and knocked at the door, that had a wicket in the middle, faced with a net-work of iron, through which a servant having viewed me some time, demanded to know my business.—I told him, my business was with Mr. Supple, and that I came from Mr. O Varnish.—He examined my appearance once more, then went away, returned in a few minutes, and said his master was busy and could not be seen.—Although I was a little mortified at my disappointment, I was persuaded that my reception was owing to Mr. Supple's ignorance of my errand; and that I might meet with no more obstructions of the same kind, I desired Mr. O Varnish to be my introductor the next time.—He complied with my request, and obtained immediate admittance to the manager, who received me with the utmost civility, and promised to read my play with the first convenience.—By his own appointment I called again in a fortnight, but he was gone out; I returned in a week after, and the poor gentleman was extremely ill; I renewed my visit in a fortnight after that, and he assured me, he had been so much fatigued with business, that he had not been able as yet to read it to an end; but he would take the first opportunity; and in the mean time, observed, that what he had yet seen of it was very entertaining.—I comforted myself with this declaration a few weeks longer, at the end of which I appeared again before his wicket, was let in, and found him laid up with the gout. I no sooner entered his chamber, than looking at me with a languishing eye, he pronounced,
"Mr. Melopoyn, I'm heartily sorry for an accident that has happened during my illness—you must know, that my eldest boy, finding your manuscript upon the table, in the diningroom, where I used to read it, carried it into the kitchin, and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a cook maid, mistaking it for wastepaper, has expended it all but a few leaves in singeing fouls upon the spit—But I hope the misfortune is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you have several copies."
I protest to you, my good friend Mr. Random, I was extremely shocked at this information! but the good-natured gentleman seemed to be so much affected with my misfortune, that I suppressed my concern, and told him, that altho' I had not another copy, I should be able to retrieve the loss by writing another from my memory, which was very tenacious. You cannot imagine how well pleased Mr. Supple was at this assurance; he begged I would set about it immediately, and carefully revolve and recollect every circumstance, before I pretended to commit it to paper, that it might be the same individual play that he had perused.—Encouraged by this injunction, which plainly demonstrated how much he interested himself in the affair, I tasked my remembrance and industry, and in three weeks produced the exact image of the former, which was conveyed to him by my good friend, father O Varnish, who let me know next day, that Mr. Supple would revise it superficially, in order to judge of its sameness with the other, and then give his final answer.—For this examination I allotted a week; and in full confidence of seeing it acted in a little while, demanded an audience of the manager, when that term was expired.—But alas! the season had slipt away insensibly; he convinced me, that if my play had been put into rehearsal at that time, it could not have been ready for performing, until the end of March, when the benefit nights come on; consequently it would have interfered with the interest of the players, whom it was not my business to disoblige.
I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which to be sure were extremely just; and to reserve my performance to the next season, when he hoped I would not be so unlucky.—Although it was a grievous disappointment to me, who by this time, began to want both money and necessaries; having, on the strength of my expectation from the theatre, launched out into some extravagancies, by which the sum I brought to town was already almost consumed.—Indeed, I ought to be ashamed at this circumstance of my conduct: For my finances were sufficient, with good oeconomy, to have maintained me comfortably a whole year.—You will perhaps be amazed when I tell you, that in six months, I expended not a farthing less than ten guineas: But when one considers the temptations to which a young man is exposed in this great city, especially if he is addicted to pleasure as I am, the wonder will vanish, or at least abate.—Nor was the cause of my concern limited to my own situation entirely: I had wrote an account of my good reception to my kinsman the farmer, and desired him to depend upon me for the money he had kindly accommodated me with, about the end of February: which promise I now found myself unable to perform.—However, there was no remedy but patience: I applied to my landlord, who was a very good-natured man, candidly owned my distress, and begged his advice in laying down some plan for my subsistence.—He readily promised to consult his confessor on this subject, and in the mean time, told me, I was welcome to lodge and board with him, until fortune should put it in my power to make restitution.
Mr. O Varnish being informed of my necesty, offered to introduce me to the author of a weekly paper, who, he did not doubt, would employ me in that way, provided he should find me duly qualified; but upon enquiry, I understood, that this journal was calculated to foment divisions in the commonwealth, and therefore I desired to be excused from engaging in it.—He then proposed that I should write something in the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a bookseller for a pretty sum of ready money, and perhaps establish my own character into the bargain; this event would infallibly procure friends; and my tragedy would appear next season to the best advantage, by being supported both by interest and reputation.—I was charmed with this prospect, and having heard what friends Mr. Pope required by his pastorals, set about a work of that kind, and in less than six weeks, composed as many ecclogues, which I forthwith offered to an eminent bookseller, who desired I would leave them for his perusal, and he would give me an answer in two days.—At the end of that time, I went to him, when he returned the poems, telling me, they would not answer his purpose, and sweetned his refusal, by saying there were some good clever lines in them.—Not a little dejected at his rebuff, which, I learned from Mr. O Varnish, was owing to the opinion of another author, whom this bookseller always consulted on these occasions, I applied to another person of the same profession, who told me, that the town was cloyed with pastorals, and advised me, if I intended to profit by my talents, to write something satirical or luscious, such as the
Button Hole, Shocky and Towzer, the Leaky Vessel,
&c.—and yet this was a man in years, who wore a reverend periwig, looked like a senator, and went regularly to church.—Be that as it will, I scorned to prostitute my pen in the manner he proposed, and carried my papers to a third, who assured me, that poetry was intirely out of his way; and asked, if I had got never a piece of secret history, thrown into a series of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as those of Robinson Crusoe, and Colonel Jack, or a collection of conundrums, wherewith to entertain the plantations.—Being quite unfurnished for this dealer, I had recourse to another with as little success, and I verily believe was rejected by the whole trade.
I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a translator, and accordingly repaired to a person, who was said to entertain numbers of that class in his pay; he assured me, he had already a great deal of that work on his hands, which he did not know what to do with; observed that translation was a meer drug, that branch of literature being overstocked by an inundation of authors from North-Britain; and asked what I would expect per sheet, for rendering the Latin classicks into English.—That I might not make myself too cheap, I determined to set a high price upon my qualifications, and demanded a guinea for every translated sheet.—
"A guinea!
(cried he, staring at me) then paused a little, and said, he had no occasion for my service at present.—I found my error, and resolving to make amends, fell one half in my demand; upon which he stared at me again, and told me his hands were full.—I attempted others, without finding employment, and was actually reduced to a very uncomfortable prospect, when I bethought myself of offering my talents to the printers of halfpenny ballads, and other such occasional essays as are hawked about the streets.—With this view, I applied to one of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who directed me to a person whom I found entertaining a whole crowd of them with gin, bread and cheese; he carried me into a little back parlour, very neatly furnished, where I signified my desire of being enrolled among his writers; and was asked, what kind of composition I professed?—Understanding that my inclination leaned towards poetry, he expressed his satisfaction, telling me, one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam, and the other was become dozed with drinking drams; so that he had not done any thing tolerable these many weeks.—When I proposed, that we should enter into terms of agreement, he gave me to understand, that his bargains were always conditional, and his authors paid in proportion to the sale of their works.
Having therefore settled these conditions, which (I do assure you) were not very advantageous to me, he assigned me a subject for a ballad, which was to be finished in two hours; and I retired to my garret in order to perform his injunction.—As the theme happened to suit my fancy, I compleated a pretty sort of an ode, within the time prescribed, and brought it to him, big with hope of profit and applause. He read it in a twinkling, and to my utter astonishment, told me, it would not do; though indeed, he owned I wrote a good hand, and spelled very well, but my language was too high flown, and of consequence not at all adapted to the capacity and taste of his customers.—I promised to rectify that mistake, and in half an hour humbled my stile to the comprehension of vulgar readers; he approved of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of succeeding in time, though he observed, that my performance was very deficient in that quaintness of expression that pleases the multitude: However, to encourage me, he ventured the expence of printing and paper, and, if I remember a-right, my share of the sale amounted to four pence halfpenny.
From that day, I studied the Grub-street manner with great diligence, and at length became such a proficient, that my works were in great request among the most polite of the chairmen, draymen, hackney-coachmen, footmen and serving maids: Nay, I have enjoyed the pleasure of seeing my productions adorned with cuts, pasted upon the wall as ornaments in beer-cellars and cobler's stalls; and have actually heard them sung in clubs of substantial tradesmen.—But empty praise (you know, my dear friend) will not supply the cravings of nature.—I found myself in danger of starving in the midst of all my fame; for of ten songs I composed, it was well if two had the good fortune to please.—For this reason I turned my thoughts to prose, and during a tract of gloomy weather, published an apparition, on the substance of which I subsisted very comfortably a whole month: I have made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often afforded me great satisfaction; but a murder, well-timed, was my never-failing resource. What then? I was a most miserable slave to my employers, who expected to be furnished at a minute's warning with prose and verse, just as they thought the circumstances of the times required, whether the
inclination was absent or present.
Upon my sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much pestered and besieged by these children of clamour, that my life became a burden to me.
CHAP. LXII.
The continuation and conclusion of Mr. Melopoyn's story.
I Made shift, notwithstanding, to maintain myself till the beginning of next winter, when I renewed my addresses to my friend Mr. Supple, and was most graciously received.—
"I have been thinking of your affair Mr. Melopoyn, (said he) and am determined to shew how far I have your interest at heart, by introducing you to a young nobleman of my acquaintance, who is remarkable for his fine taste in dramatic writings, and is, beside, a man of such influence, that if once he should approve your play, his patronage will support it against all the efforts of envy and ignorance: For I do assure you, that merit alone will not bring success.—I have already spoken of your performance to Lord Rattle, and if you will call at my house, in a day or two, you shall have a letter of introduction to his lordship."—
I was sensibly touched with this mark of Mr. Supple's friendship, and looking upon my affair as already done, went home and imparted my good fortune to my landlord, who, to render my appearance more acceptable to my patron, procured a suit of new cloaths for me on his own credit.
Not to trouble you with idle particulars, I carried my tragedy to his lordship's lodgings, and sent it up along with Mr. Supple's letter, by one of his servants, who desired me, by his lord's order, to return in a week.—I did so, and was admitted to his lordship, who received me very courteously, told me he had perused my play, which he thought, on the whole, was the best
coup d'essai
he had ever seen; but that he had marked some places in the margin, which he imagined might be altered for the better.—I was transported with this reception, and promised (with many acknowledgments of his lordship's generosity) to be governed solely by his advice and direction.—
"Well then (said he) write another fair copy with the alterations I have proposed, and bring it to me as soon as possible, for I am resolved to have it brought on the stage this winter."—
You may be sure I set about this task with alacrity, and although I found his lordship's remarks much more numerous, and of less importance than I expected, I thought it was not my interest to dispute upon trifles with my patron; therefore new-modelled it according to his desire, in less than a month.
When I waited upon him with the manuscript, I found one of the actors at breakfast with his lordship, who immediately introduced him to my acquaintance, and desired him to read a scene of my play.—This he performed very much to my satisfaction, with regard to emphasis and pronounciation; but he signified his disgust at several words in every page, which I presuming to defend, Lord Rattle told me, with a peremptory look, I must not pretend to dispute with him, who had been a player these twenty years, and understood the oeconomy of the stage better than any man living. I was forced to submit, and his lordship proposed the same actor should read the whole play, in the evening, before some gentlemen of his acquaintance, whom he would convene at his lodgings for that purpose.
I was present at the reading; and I protest to you, my dear friend, I never underwent such a severe trial in the whole course of my life, as at that juncture! for although the player might be a very honest man and a good performer, he was excessively illiterate and assuming, and made a thousand frivolous objections, which I was not permitted to answer: However, the piece was very much applauded on the whole; the gentlemen present, who I understood were men of fortune, promised to countenance and support it as much as they could; and Lord Rattle assuring me, that he would act the part of a careful nurse to it, desired me to carry it home and alter it immediately according to their remarks:—I was fain to acquiesce in his determination, and fulfilled his injunctions with all the expedition in my power; but before I could present the new copy, my good friend Mr. Supple had disposed of his property and patent to one Mr. Brayer; so that fresh interest was to be made with the new manager.—This task Lord Rattle undertook, having some acquaintance with him, and recommended my performance so strongly, that it was received.
I looked upon myself now, as upon the eve of reaping the fruits of all my labour: I waited a few days in expectation of its being put into rehearsal, and wondering at the delay, applied to my worthy patron, who excused Mr. Brayer on account of the multiplicity of business in which he was involved; and bid me beware of teizing the patentee.—I treasured up this caution, and exerted my patience three weeks longer; at the end of which, his lordship gave me to understand that Mr. Brayer had read my play, and owned it had undubitable merit; but as he had long been pre-engaged to another author, he could not possibly represent it that season; though if I would reserve it for the next, and in the interim make such alterations as he had proposed by observations on the margin, I might depend upon his compliance.
Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I could not, for some minutes, utter one syllable: At length, however, I complained bitterly of the manager's insincerity in amusing me so long, when he knew from the beginning, that he could not gratify my desire.—But his lordship reprimanded me for my freedom, said Mr. Brayer was a man of honour, and imputed his behaviour with respect to me, to nothing else but forgetfulness.—And indeed I have had some reason since that time, to be convinced of his bad memory; for, in spite of appearances, I will not allow myself to interpret his conduct any other way.—Lord Rattle observing me very much affected with my disappointment, offered his interest to bring on my play at the other house, which I eagerly accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter of recommendation to Mr. Bellower, actor, and prime minister to Mr. Vandal, proprietor of that theatre; and desired me to deliver it with my tragedy, without loss of time.—Accordingly, I hastened to his house, where after having waited a whole hour in a lobby, I was admitted to his presence, and my performance received with great state.—He told me he was extremely busy at present, but he would peruse it as soon as possible; and bid me call again in a week. I took my leave, not a little astonished at the port and supercilious behaviour of this stage-player, who had not treated me with good manners; and began to think the dignity of a poet greatly impaired since the days of Euripedes and Sophocles; but all this was nothing in comparison of what I have since observed.
Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the appointed time, and was told that Mr. Bellower was engaged, and could not see me.—I repeated my visit a few days after, and having waited a considerable time, was savoured with an audience, during which, he said, he had not as yet read my play.—Nettled at this usage, I could contain myself no longer, but telling him, I imagined he would have paid more deference to Lord Rattle's recommendation, demanded my manuscript with some expressions of resentment.—
"Ay, (said he, in a theatrical tone) with all my heart."—
Then pulling out a drawer of the bureau at which he sat, he took out a bundle, and threw it upon a table that was near him, pronouncing the word
"There,"
with great disdain.—I took it up, and perceiving with some surprize, that it was a comedy, told him, it did not belong to me; upon which he offered me another, which I also disclaimed—A third was produced, and rejected for the same reason. At length, he pulled out a whole handful, and spread them before me, saying,
"There are seven—take which you please—or take them all."—
I singled out my own, and went away, struck dumb with admiration at what I had seen—not so much on account of his insolence, as of the number of new plays, which from this circumstance, I concluded were yearly offered to the stage.—You may be sure I did not fail to carry my complaint to my patron, who did not receive it with all the indignation I expected; but taxed me with precipitation, and told me, I must lay my account with bearing the humours of the players, if I intended to write for the stage.—
"There is now no other remedy (said he) but to keep it till the next season for Mr. Brayer, and alter it at your leisure, in the summer, according to his directions."—
I was now reduced to a terrible alternative, either to quit all hopes of my tragedy, from which I had all along promised myself a large share of fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight long months of adversity in preparing for, and expecting its appearance.—This last pennance, painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my restection at that time, and therefore I resolved to undergo it.
Why should I tire you with particulars of no consequence? I wrestled with extreme poverty, until the time of my probation was expired; and went to my Lord Rattle in order to remind him of my affair, when I understood, to my great concern, that his lordship was on the point of going abroad, and, which was still more unfortunate for me, Mr. Brayer had gone into the country; so that my generous patron had it not in his power to introduce me personally, as he intended: However, he wrote a very strong letter to the manager in my favour, and put him in mind of the promise he had made in behalf of my play.
As soon as I was certified of Brayer's return, I went to his house with this letter, but was told he was gone out.—I called again next day early in the morning, received the same answer, and was desired to leave my name and business; I did so, and returned the day after, when the servant still affirmed that his master was gone abroad; though I perceived him, as I retired, observing me through a window.—Incensed at this discovery, I went to a coffee-house hard by, and inclosing his lordship's letter in one from myself, demanding a categorical answer, I sent it to his house by a porter, who returned in a few minutes, and told me Mr. Brayer would be glad to see me at that instant.—I obeyed the summons, and was received with such profusion of compliments and apologies, that my resentment immediately subsided, and I was even in pain for the concern which this honest man shewed at the mistake of his servant, who, it seems, had been ordered to deny him to every body but me.—He expressed the utmost veneration for his good and noble friend Lord Rattle, whom he should always be proud to serve; promised to peruse the play with all dispatch, and give me a meeting upon it; and as a testimony of his esteem, made me a present of a general order for the season, by which I would be admitted to any part of the theatre.—This was a very agreeable compliment to me, whose greatest pleasure consisted in seeing dramatic performances, and you need not doubt that I often availed myself of my privilege. As I had an opportunity of being behind the scenes when I pleased, I frequently conversed with Mr. Brayer about my play, and asked when he intended to put it into rehearsal, but he had always so much business upon his hands, that it remained with him unopened a considerable while; and I became very uneasy about the season, that wasted apace, when I saw in the papers, another new play advertised, which had been written, offered, accepted and rehearsed in the compass of three months, without my knowledge or suspicion.—You may easily guess how much I was confounded at this event! I own to you, that in the first transports of my anger, I suspected Mr. Brayer of having acted towards me in the most pitiful, perfidious manner; and was actually glad at his disappointment in the success of his favourite piece, which by the strength of art, lingered till the third night, and then died in a deplorable manner. But now that passion has no share in my reflection, I am willing to ascribe his behaviour to his want of memory or want of judgment, which, you know, are natural defects, that are more worthy of compassion than reproach.
About this time, I happened to be in company with a gentlewoman, who having heard of my tragedy, told me, she was acquainted with the wife of a gentleman, who was very well known to a lady, who had great interest with a person who was intimate with Earl Sheerwit, and that if I pleased, she would use her influence in my behalf.—As this nobleman had the character of a Maecenas in the nation, and could stamp a value upon any work by his sole countenance and approbation, I accepted her offer with eagerness, in full confidence of seeing my reputation established, and my wishes fulfilled in a very short time, provided that I should have the good fortune to please his Lordship's taste. I withdrew the manuscript from the hands of Mr. Brayer, and committed it to the care of this gentlewoman, who laboured so effectually in my interest, that in less than a month it was conveyed to the Earl, and in a few weeks after, I had the satisfaction to hear, that he had read, and approved it very much. Transported with this piece of intelligence, I flattered myself with the hopes of his interesting himself in its favour; but hearing no more of the matter in three whole months, I began (God forgive me) to suspect the veracity of the person who brought me the good tidings, for I thought it impossible, that a man of his rank and character, who knew the difficulty of writing a good tragedy, and understood the dignity of the work, should read and applaud an essay of this kind, without feeling an inclination to befriend the author, whom his countenance alone could raise above dependance.—But it was not long before I sound my friends very much wronged by my opinion.
You most know, that the civilities I had received from Lord Rattle, and the desire he manifested to promote the success of my play, encouraged me to write an account of my bad fortune to his Lordship, who condescended so far as to desire, by letter, a young Squire of a great estate, with whom he was intimate, to espouse my cause, and in particular, make me acquainted with one Mr. Marmozet a celebrated player, who had lately appeared on the stage with astonishing eclat, and bore such sway in the house where he acted, that the managers durst not refuse any thing he recommended. The young gentleman whom Lord Rattle had employed for this purpose, being diffident of his own interest with Mr. Marmozet, had recourse to a nobleman of his acquaintance, who, at his sollicitation, was so good as to introduce me to him; and the conversation turning upon my performance, I was not a little surprized, as well as pleased to hear, that Earl Sheerwit had spoke very much in its praise, and even sent Mr. Marmozet the copy, with a message expressing a desire that he would act in it next season—Nor was this favourite actor backward in commending the piece, which he mentioned with some expressions of regard, that I do not chuse to repeat; assuring me that he would appear in it, provided he should be engaged to play at all during the ensuing season. In the mean time, he desired I would give him leave to peruse it in the country, whither he intended to remove next day, that he might have leisure to consider and point out such alterations as might, perhaps, be necessary for the
jeu de theatre;
and took my direction, that he might communicate by letter, the observations he should make. Trusting to these assurances and the interest which had been made in my behalf, I hugged myself in the expectation of seeing it, not only acted, but acted to the greatest advantage, which I thought could not fail of recompensing me in an ample manner, for the anxiety and affliction I had undergone: But six weeks being elapsed, I did not know how to reconcile Mr. Marmozet's silence, with his promise of writing to me in ten days after he set out for the country; however, I was at last favoured with a letter, importing that he had made some remarks on my tragedy, which he would freely impart at meeting, and advising me to put it, without loss of time, into the hands of that manager, who had the best company: for he himself was quite uncertain, whether or not he should be engaged that winter.—I was a good deal alarmed at this last part of his letter, and advised about it with a friend, who told me, it was a plain indication of Mr. Marmozet's desire to be rid of his promise: that his pretended uncertainty about acting next winter, was no other than a scandalous evasion; for to his certain knowledge, he was already engaged, or at least, in terms with Mr. Vandal; and that his design was to disappoint me, in favour of a new comedy, which he had purchased of the author, and intended to bring upon the stage for his own advantage.—In short, my dear Sir, this person, who, I must own, is of a very sanguine complexion, handled the moral character of Mr. Marmozet with such severity, that I began to suspect him of some particular prejudice, and put myself upon my guard against his insinuations.—I ought to crave pardon for this tedious narration of trivial circumstances, which, however interesting they may be to me, must certainly be very dry and insipid to the ear of one unconcerned in the affair.—But I understand the meaning of your looks, and will proceed.—Well, Sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return to town, treated me with uncommon complaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, where he proposed to communicate his remarks, which I confess were more unfavourable than I expected; but I answered his objections, and, as I thought, brought him over to my opinion; for, on the whole, he signified the highest approbation of the performance.—In the course of our dispute, I was not a little surprized to find this poor gentleman's memory so treacherous as to let him forget what he had said to me, before he went out of town, in regard to Earl Sheerwit's opinion of my play, which he now professed himself ignorant of; and I was extremely mortified at hearing from his own mouth, that his interest with Mr. Vandal was so very low, as to be insufficient of itself, to bring a new piece upon the stage. I then begged his advice, and he counselled me to apply to Earl Sheerwit for a message in my favour to the manager, who would not presume to refuse any thing recommended by so great a man; and he was so kind as to promise to second this message with all his power.—I had immediate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman my friend already mentioned, who opened the channels of her conveyance with such expedition, that in few days, I had a promise of the message, provided I could assure myself of Mr. Vandal's being uningaged to any other; for his Lordship did not chuse to condescend so far, until he should understand that there was a probability (at least) of succeeding; at the same time in which I was blessed with this piece of news, I was startled at another, by the same canal of communication; which was, that Mr. Marmozet, before he advised me to this application, had informed the Earl, that he had read my play, and found it altogether unfit for the stage.—Though I could not doubt the certainty of this intelligence, I believed there was some misapprehension in the case; and without taking any notice of it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I had been favoured with; upon which, he testified much joy, and promised to ask Mr. Vandal the question proposed.—I waited upon him in a day or two, when he gave me to understand, that Mr. Vandal having professed himself free of all engagements, he had put my play into his hands, and represented it as a piece strongly recommended by Earl Sheerwit, who (he assured him) would honour him with a message in its favour; and he desired me to call for an answer at Mr. Vandal's house, in three days.—I followed his directions, and sound the manager, who, being made acquainted with my business, owned, that Mr. Marmozet had given him a manuscript play, but denied that he had mentioned Earl Sheerwit's name.—When I informed him of the circumstances of the affair, he said, he had no engagement with any author; that he would read my tragedy forthwith; and did not believe he should venture to reject it in contradiction to his Lordship's opinion, for which he had the utmost veneration, but put it into rehearsal without loss of time.—I was so much intoxicated with this encouragement, that I overlooked the mysterious conduct of Mr. Marmozet, and attended the manager at the time appointed, when, to my infinite confusion! he pronounced my play improper for the stage, and rejected it accordingly. As soon as I could recollect myself from the disorder into which this unexpected refusal had thrown me, I expressed a desire of hearing his objections, which were so groundless, indistinct and unintelligible, that I persuaded myself he had not at all perused the piece, but had been prompted by somebody whose lessons he had not rightly retained. However, I have been since informed, that the poor man's head, which was not naturally very clear, had been disordered with superstition, and that he laboured under the tyranny of a wife, and the terrors of hell fire at the same time.—Precipitated in this manner, from the highest pinnacle of hope, to the abyss of despondence, I was ready to sink under the burthen of my affliction; and in the bitterness of my anguish, could not help entertaining some doubts of Mr. Marmozet's integrity, when I recollected and compared the circumstances of his conduct towards me. I was encouraged in this suspicion, by being told, that my Lord Sheerwit had spoke of his character with great contempt; and in particular, resented his insolence in opposing his own taste to that of his Lordship, concerning my tragedy.—While I hesitated between different opinions of the matter, that friend, who (as told you before) was a little hot-headed, favoured me with a visit, and having heard a circumstantial account of the whole affair, could not contain his indignation, but affirmed without ceremony, that Marmozet was the sole occasion of my disappointment; that he had acted from first to last with the most perfidious dissimulation, cajoling with insinuating civilities, while he underhand employed all his art and influence to prejudice the ignorant manager against my performance; that nothing could equal his hypocrisy, but his avarice, which ingrossed the faculties of his soul so much, that he scrupled not to be guilty of the meanest practices to gratify that fordid appetite; that in consequence of this disposition, he had prostituted his honour in betraying my inexperience, and in undermining the interest of another author of established reputation, who had also offered a tragedy to the stage, which he thought would interfere with the success of the comedy he had bought, and determined to bring on at all events.
I was shocked at the description of such a monster, which I could not believe existed in the world, bad as it is, and argued against the asseverations of my friend, by demonstrating the bad policy of such behaviour, which could not fail of entailing infamy upon the author; and the small temptation that a man of Mr. Marmozet's figure and success, could have to consult his interest in such a groveling manner, which must create contempt and abhorrence of him in his patrons, and effectually deprive him of the countenance and protection he now enjoys in such an eminent degree.—He pretended to laugh at my simplicity, and asked if I knew for which of his virtues he was so much caressed by the people of fashion.—
"It is not (said he) for the qualities of his heart, that this little parasite is invited to the tables of Dukes and Lords, who hire extraordinary cooks for his entertainment: His avarice they see not, his ingratitude they feel not, his hypocrisy accommodates itself to their humours, and is of consequence pleasing; but he is chiefly courted for his buffoonery, and will be admitted into the choicest parties of the quality for his talent of mimicking Punch and his wife Joan, when a poet of the most exquisite genius, is not able to attract the least regard."—
God forbid, Mr. Random, that I should credit assertions that degrade the dignity of our superiors so much, and represent that poor man as the most abject of all beings! No! I looked upon them as the hyperboles of passion; and though that comedy of which he spoke, did actually appear, I dare not doubt the innocence of Mr. Marmozet, who, I am told, is as much as ever in favour with the Earl; a circumstance that, surely, could not happen, unless he had vindicated his character to the satisfaction of his lordship.—Pray forgive this long digression, and give me the hearing a little longer; for, thank heaven! I am now near the goal.
Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of seeing my play acted, and bethought myself of chusing some employment, that might afford a sure, though mean subsistence; but my landlord, to whom I was by this time considerably indebted, and who had laid his account with having his money paid all in a heap, from the profits of my third night, could not brook his disappointment, therefore made another effort in my behalf, and by dint of interest, procured a message from a lady of fashion, to Mr. Brayer, who had always professed a great veneration for her, desiring that he would set up my play forthwith, and assuring him that she and all her friends would support it in the performance: To strengthen my interest, she engaged his best actors in my cause; and in short, exerted herself so much, that it was again received, and my hopes began to revive.—But Mr. Brayer, honest man, was so much engrossed by business of vast consequence, though to appearance he had nothing at all to do, that he could not find time to read it until the season was pretty far advanced; and read it he must, for notwithstanding his having perused it before, his memory did not retain one circumstance of the matter.
At length he favoured it with his attention, and having proposed certain alterations, sent his duty to the lady who patronized it, and promised on his honour, to bring it on next winter, provided these alterations should be made, and the copy delivered to him before the end of April.—With an aching heart, I submitted to these conditions, and performed them accordingly: But fortune owed me another unforeseen mortification; Mr. Marmozet during the summer, became joint patentee with Mr. Brayer, so that when I claimed performance of articles, I was told, he could do nothing without the consent of his partner, who was pre-engaged to another author.
My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my good friend and landlord, whose executors obtained a judgment against my effects, which they seized, turning me out into the street naked, friendless, and forlorn; there I was arrested at the suit of my taylor, and thrown into this prison, where I have made shift to live these five weeks on the bounty of my fellow-prisoners, who, I hope, are not the worse for the instruction and good offices, by which I manifest my gratitude; but in spite of all their charitable endeavours, my life was scarce tolerable, until your uncommon benevolence enabled me to enjoy it with comfort.
CHAP. LXIV.
I am seized with a deep melancholy, and become a sloven—I am relieved by my uncle—he prevails upon me to engage with his owners, as surgeon of the ship which he commands—he makes me a considerable present—entertains Strap as his steward—I take my leave of my friends, and go on board—the ship arrives at the Downs.
I Shall not make any reflections on this story, in the course of which the reader must perceive how egregiously the simplicity and milky disposition of this worthy man, had been duped and abused by a set of scoundrels, who were so habituated to falshood and equivocation, that I verily believe, they could not utter one syllable of truth, though their lives depended upon their sincerity.—Notwithstanding all I had suffered from the knavery and selfishness of mankind, I was amazed, and incensed at that base indifference which suffered such uncommon merit as he possessed, to languish in obscurity, and struggle with all the miseries of a loathsome jail;—and should have blessed the occasion that secluded me from such a perfidious world, had not the remembrance of the amiable Narcissa, preserved my attachment to that society of which she constituted a part.—The picture of that lovely creature was the constant companion of my solitude: How often did I contemplate the resemblance of those enchanting features that first captivated my heart! How often did I weep over those endearing scenes which her image recalled! and how often did I curse my perfidious fate for having robbed me of the fair original! In vain did my imagination flatter me with schemes of future happiness; surly reason always interposed, and in a moment overthrew the unsubstantial fabrick, by chastising the extravagance of my hope, and representing my unhappy situation in the right point of view: In vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements of the place, and engage in the parties of Jackson, at cards, billiards, nine-pins, and fives; a train of melancholy thoughts took possession of my soul, which even the conversation of Melopoyn could not divert.—I ordered Strap to inquire every day at Banter's lodgings, in expectation of hearing again from my charmer; and my disappointment considerably augmented any chagrin.—My affectionate valet was infected with my sorrow, and often sat with me whole hours without speaking, uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for tear.—This fellowship increased our distemper; he became incapable of business, and was discarded by his master; while I seeing my money melt away, without any certainty of deliverance, and in short, all my hopes frustrated; grew negligent of life, lost all appetite, and degenerated into such a sloven, that during the space of two months, I was neither washed, shifted nor shaved; so that my face rendered meagre with abstinence, was obscured with dirt, and overshadowed with hair, and my whole appearance squalid and even frightful; when, one day, Strap brought me notice, that there was a man below who wanted to speak with me. Roused at this intelligence, and in full hope of receiving a letter from the dear object of my love, I run down stairs with the utmost precipitation, and found, to my infinite surprize, my generous uncle Mr. Bowling! Transported at the sight, I sprung forward to embrace him. Upon which he started aside with great agility, drew his hanger, and put himself upon his guard, crying,
"Avast, brother, avast! sheer off—Yo ho! you turnkey, why don't you keep a better look out? here's one of your crazy prisoners broke from his lashings, I do suppose."—
I could not help laughing heartily at his mistake, which I soon rectified by my voice, which he instantly recollected, and shook me by the hand with great affection, testifying his concern at seeing me in such a miserable condition.
I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of Strap, whom I introduced to him as one of my best friends, he let me know, that he was just arrived from the coast of Guinea, after having made a pretty successful voyage, in which he had acted as mate, until the ship was attacked by a French privateer; that the captain being killed during the engagement, he had taken the command, and was so fortunate as to sink the enemy; after which he fell in with a merchant ship from Martinico, laden with sugar, indigo, and some silver; and by virtue of his letter of marque, attacked, took, and brought her safe into Kinsale in Ireland, where she was condemned as a lawful prize; by which means, he had not only got a pretty sum of money, but also acquired the favour of his owners, who had already conferred upon him the command of a large ship, mounted with twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon a very advantageous voyage, which he was not at liberty to discover—And he assured me, that it was with the greatest difficulty he had found me, in consequence of a direction left for him at his lodgings in Wapping
I was rejoiced beyond measure, at this account of his good fortune; and, at his desire, recounted all the adventures that had happened to me since we parted.—When he understood the particulars of Strap's attachment to me, he squeezed his hand very cordially, and promised to make a man of him; and giving me ten guineas for my present occasion, took a direction for the taylor who arrested me, and went away, in order to discharge the debt, telling me at parting, that he would soon fetch up all my lee-way with a wet sail.
I was utterly confounded at this sudden transition, which affected me more than any reverse I had formerly felt; and a crowd of incoherent ideas rushed so impetuously upon my imagination, that my reason could neither separate nor connect them; when Strap, whose joy had manifested itself in a thousand fooleries, came into my room with his shaving utensils, and without any previous intimation, began to lather my beard, whistling with great emotion all the while.—I started from my reverie, and being too well acquainted with Strap, to trust myself in his hands while he was under such agitation, desired to be excused, sent for another barber, and suffered myself to be trimmed.—Having performed the ceremony of ablution, I shifted, and dressing in my gayest apparel, waited for the return of my uncle, who was agreeably surprized at my sudden transformation.
This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my creditor, and obtained an order for my discharge, so that I was no longer a prisoner; but as I had some reluctance to part with my friends and fellows in distress, I prevailed upon Mr. Bowling to favour us with his company, and invited Mr. Melopoyn and Jackson to spend the evening at my apartment, where I regaled them with a supper, good wine, and the news of my release, on which they heartily congratulated me, notwithstanding the loss of my company, which, they were pleased to say, they would severely feel.—As for Jackson, his misfortune made so little impression on himself, and he was altogether so loose, indifferent and indiscreet, that I could scarce pity his situation: But I had conceived a veneration and friendship for the poet, who was in all respects, an object much more worthy of compassion and regard.—When our guests withdrew, and my uncle had retired, with an intention to visit me next morning I made up a bundle of some linnen, and other necessaries, and biding Strap carry them to Mr. Melopoyn's lodging, went thither myself, and pressed it upon his acceptance with five guineas, which with much difficulty he received, assuring me at the same time, that he should never have it in his power to make satisfaction. I then asked if I could serve him any other way, to which he answered,
"You have already done too much,"
and unable to contain the emotions of his soul any longer; burst into tears, and wept aloud.—Moved at the spectacle, I left him to his repose, and when my uncle returned in the morning, represented his character in such a favourable light, that the honest seaman was affected with his distress, and determined to follow my example, in presenting him with five pieces more: Upon which, that I might save him some confusion, I advised Mr. Bowling to inclose it in a letter to be delivered by Strap, after we should be gone.
This was accordingly done. I took a formal leave of all my acquaintance in the jail, and just as I was about to step into a hackney-coach at the gate, Jackson calling me, I returned, and he asked me in a whisper, if I could lend him a shilling! His demand being so moderate, and in all likelihood, the last he would make upon me, I slipt a guinea into his hand, which he no sooner perceived, than he cried,
"O Jesus! a guinea!"
then laying hold of a button of my coat, he broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and when his convulsion was ended, told me, I was an honest fellow, and let me go.—The coachman was ordered to drive to Mr. Bowling's lodgings, where, when we arrived, he entered into a serious discourse with me, on the subject of my situation, and proposed that I should sail with him in quality of his Surgeon; in which case, he would put me on a method of getting a fortune in a few years, by my own industry; and assured me, that I might expect to inherit all that he should die possessed of, provided I should survive him.—Though I was penetrated with a sense of his generosity, I was startled at a proposal that offered violence to my love, and signified my sentiments on that head, which he did not seem to relish; but observed that love was the fruit of idleness, that when once I should be employed in business, and my mind engaged in making money, I would be no more troubled with these silly notions, which none but your fair-weather Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure to mind, ought to entertain.—I was piqued at this insinuation, which I looked upon as a reproach, and without giving myself time to deliberate, accepted his offer.—He was overjoyed at my compliance, carried me immediately to his chief owner, with whom a bargain was struck, so that I could not retract with honour, should I be never so much disposed thereto.—That I might not have time to cool, he bid me draw out a list of medicines for a compliment of five hundred men, adapted to the distempers of hot climates, and sufficient for a voyage of eighteen months; and carry it to a certain wholesale apothecary, who would also provide me in two well-qualified mates.—While I was thus employed, Strap came in, and looked very blank, when he understood my resolution: However, after a pause of some minutes, he insisted upon going along with me; and at my desire was made ship's steward by captain Bowling, who promised to be at the expence of fitting him out, and to lend him two hundred pounds to purchase an adventure.
When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple of my own countrymen for mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instruments, my uncle told me, that by his last voyage, he had cleared almost three thousand pounds, one thousand of which he would immediately make over and put into my hands; that he would procure for me credit to the value of as much more, in such goods as would turn to best account in the country to which we were bound; and that although he looked upon my interest as his own, he would keep the remaining part of his fortune in his own disposal, with a view of preserving his independance, and the power of punishing me, in case I should not make a good use of what he had already bestowed upon me.
Without troubling the reader with an account of the effect which this surprizing generosity had upon my mind, I shall only say, that his promises were instantly performed, and an invoyce of merchandize proper for the voyage presented to me, that I might purchase the goods, and ship them with all expedition.—In the midst of this hurry the remembrance of my charming Narcissa often interposed, and made me the most miserable of all mortals. I was distracted with the thought of being torn from her, perhaps, for ever; and though the hope of seeing her again, might have supported me under the torments of separation, I could not reflect upon the anguish she must feel at parting with me, and the incessant sorrows to which her tender bosom would be exposed daring my absence, without being pierced with the deepest affliction! As an imagination was daily and nightly upon the rack to invent some method of mitigating this cruel stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and honour in the opinion of that gentle creature, I at length stumbled upon an expedient, with which the reader will be made acquainted in due time; and in consequence of my determination, became less uneasy and disturbed.
My business being finished, and the ship ready to sail, I resolved to make my last appearance among my acquaintance at the other end of the town, where I had not been seen since my imprisonment; and as I had, by the advice of my uncle, taken off some very rich cloaths for sale, I put on the gayest suit in my possession, and went in a chair to the coffee-house I used to frequent, where I found my friend Banter so confounded at the magnificence of my dress, that when I made up to him, he gazed at me with a look of astonishment, without being able, for some minutes, to open his lips;—then pulling me aside by the sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, accosted me in this manner:
"Random, where the devil have you been! eh?—What is the meaning of all this finery?—Oho! I understand you—You are just arrived from the country! what! the roads are good, eh!—well, Random, you are a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow!—but take care, the pitcher goes often to the well, but is broke at last."
So saying, he pointed to his collar; by which gesture, and the broken hints he had ejaculated, I found he suspected me of having robbed on the highway; and I laughed very heartily at his supposition.—Without explaining myself any farther, I told him he was mistaken in his conjecture; that I had been for some time past with the relation of whom he had frequently heard me speak; and that being to set out next day upon my travels, I had come thither to take my leave of my friends, and to receive of him the money he had borrowed from me, which, now that I was going abroad, I should have occasion for—He was a little disconcerted at this demand; but recollecting himself in a moment, swore, in an affected passion, that I had used him extremely ill, and he would never forgive me, for having, by this short warning, put it out of his power to free himself of an obligation he could no longer bear.—I could not help smiling at this pretended delicacy, which I commended highly, telling him, he needed not be uneasy on that score, for I would give him a cirection to a merchant in the city, with whom I would leave a discharge for the sum, to be delivered upon payment.—He professed much joy at this expedient, and with great eagerness asked the person's name and place of abode, which he forthwith wrote in his pocket-book, assuring me, that he would not be long in my debt.—This affair, which I knew he would never after think of, being settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards to all my friends, desiring the savour of their company at a tavern in the evening, when they honoured my invitation, and I had the pleasure of treating them in a very elegant manner, at which they expressed as much admiration as applause. Having enjoyed ourselves till midnight, I took my leave of them all, being well-nigh stifled with caresses; and next day I set out with Strap in a post-chaise for Gravesend, where we went on board, and the wind serving, weighed anchor in less than twelve hours.—Without meeting with any accident, we got as far as the Downs, where we were obliged to come to an anchor, and wait for an easterly wind to carry us out of the Channel.
CHAP. LXV.
I set out for Sussex—consult Mrs. Sagely—atchieve an interview with Narcissa—return to the ship—we get clear of the Channel—I learn our destination—we are chaced by a large ship—the company are dismayed, and encouraged by the captain's speech—our pursuer happens to be an English man of war—we arrive on the coast of Guinea, purchase 400 negroes, sail for Paraguay, get safe into the river of Plate, and sell our cargo to great advantage.
IT was now I put in execution the scheme I had projected at London; and asking leave of the captain, for Strap and me to stay on shore till the wind should become favourable, my request was granted, because he had orders to remain in the Downs until he should receive some dispatches from London, which he did not expect in less than a week.—Having imparted my resolution to my trusty valet, who (tho' he endeavour'd to dissuade me from such a rash undertaking) would not quit me in the enterprize, I hired horses, and set out immediately for that part of Sussex where my charmer was confined, which was not above thirty miles distant from Deal where we mounted.—As I was perfectly well acquainted with the extent of the Squire's estate and influence, I halted within five miles of his house, where we remained 'till the twilight, at which time we set forward, and, by the favour of a dark night, gained a copse about half a mile from the village where Mrs. Sagely lived.—Here we left our horses tied to a tree, and went directly to the house of my old benefactress, Strap trembling all the way, and venting ejaculatory petitions to heaven for our safety. Her habitation being quite solitary, we arrived at the door without being observed, when I ordered my companion to enter by himself, and in case there should be company with her, deliver a letter which I had wrote for the purpose, and say that a friend of hers in London, understanding that he intended to travel this road, had committed it to his care.—He rapped at the door, to which the good old matron coming, told him, that being a lone woman, he must excuse her, if she did not open it, until he had declared his name and business.—He answered, that his name was unknown to her, and that his business was to deliver a letter, which (to free her from all manner of apprehension) he would convey to her through the space between the door and threshold.—This he instantly performed; and she no sooner read the contents, which specified my being present, than she cried,
"If the person who wrote this letter be at hand, let him speak, that I may be assured by his voice whether or not I may safely admit him."—
I forthwith applied my mouth to the key-hole, and pronounced,
"Dear mother, you need not be afraid, it is I, so much indebted to your goodness, who now crave admittance."—
She knew my voice, and opening the door immediately, received me with a truly maternal affection, manifesting by the tears she let fall, her concern lest I should be discovered, for she had been informed of every thing that had happened between Narcissa and me, from the dear captive's own mouth.—When I explained the motive of my journey, which was no other than a desire of seeing the object of my love before I should quit the kingdom, that I might in person convince her of the necessity I was under to leave her, reconcile her to that event, by describing the advantages that in all probability would attend it, repeat my vows of eternal constancy, and enjoy the melancholy pleasure of a tender embrace at parting—I say, when I had thus signified my intention, Mrs. Sagely told me, that Narcissa, upon her return from the Bath, had been so strictly watched, that no body, but one or two of the servants devoted to her brother, was admitted to her presence; that afterwards she had been a little enlarged, and was permitted to see company; during which indulgence, she had been several times at her cottage: but of late she had been betrayed by one of the servants, who discovered to the squire, that he had once carried a letter from her to the post-house directed to me; upon which information, she was now more confined than ever, and that I could have no chance of seeing her, unless I would run the risque of getting into the garden, where she and her maid were every day allowed to take the air, and lie hid until I should have an opportunity of speaking to them—an adventure which would be attended with such danger, that no man in his right wits would attempt it.—This enterprize, hazardous as it was, I resolved to perform, in spite of all the arguments of Mrs. Sagely, who reasoned, chid, and intreated by turns; and the tears and prayers of Strap, who conjured me on his knees, to have more regard to myself as well as to him, than to tempt my own destruction in such a precipitate manner. But I was deaf to every thing, but the suggestions of my love; and ordering him to return immediately with the horses to the inn from whence we set out, and wait for my coming in that place, he at first peremptorily refused to leave me, until I perswaded him, that if our horses should remain where they were 'till day-light, they would certainly be discovered, and the whole county alarmed. On this consideration, he took his leave in a sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and weeping, cried,
"God knows if ever I shall see you again."—
My kind landlady finding me obstinate, gave me her best advice how to behave in the execution of my project; and after having perswaded me to take a little refreshment, accommodated me with a bed, and left me to my repose.—Early in the morning, I got up, and armed with a couple of loaded pistols and a hanger, went to the back of the Squire's garden, climbed over the wall, and, according to Mrs. Sagely's direction, concealed myself in a thicket, hard by an alcove which terminated a walk at a good distance from the house, which (I was told) my mistress chiefly frequented.—Here I absconded from five a-clock in the morning to six in the evening, without seeing a human creature; at last I perceived two women approaching, whom by my throbbing heart I soon recogniz'd to be the adorable Narcissa and Miss Williams. I felt the strongest agitation of soul at the sight; and guessing that they would repose themselves in the alcove, I stept into it unperceiv'd, and laid upon the stone-table a picture of myself in miniature, for which I had sat in London, purposing to leave it with Narcissa before I should go abroad. I exposed it in this manner, as an introduction to my own appearance, which, without some previous intimation, I was afraid might have an unlucky effect upon the delicate nerves of my fair enslaver; and then withdrew into the thicket, where I could hear their discourse, and suit myself to the circumstances of the occasion.—As they advanced, I observed an air of melancholy in the countenance of Narcissa, blended with such unspeakable sweetness, that I could scarce refrain from flying into her arms, and kissing away the pearly drop that stood collected in each bewitching eye. According to my expectation, she entered the alcove, and perceiving something on the table, took it up. No sooner did she cast her eye upon the features, than she startled, crying,
"Gracious God!"
and the roses instantly vanished from her cheeks.—Her confidante, alarm'd at this exclamation, looked at the picture, and, struck with the resemblance, cried,
"O Jesus! the very features of Mr. Random!"
Narcissa having recollected herself a little, said,
"Whatever angel brought it hither as a comfort to me in my affliction, I am thankful for the benefit, and will preserve it as the dearest object of my care."
So saying, she kissed it with surprising ardour, shed a flood of tears, and then deposited the lifeless image in her lovely bosom. Transported at these symptoms of her unaltered affection, I was about to throw myself at her feet, when Miss Williams, whose reflection was less engaged than that of her mistress, observed, that the picture could not transport itself hither, and that she could not help thinking I was not far off.—The gentle Narcissa starting at this conjecture, answered,
"Heaven forbid! for although nothing in the universe could yield me satisfaction equal to that of his presence for one poor moment, in a proper place, I would rather forfeit his company—almost for ever, than see him here, where his life would be exposed to so much danger."—
I could no longer restrain the impulse of my passion, but breaking from my concealment, stood before her, when she uttered a fearful shriek, and fainted in the arms of her companion. I flew towards the treasure of my soul, clasped her in my embrace, and with the warmth of my kisses, brought her again to life. O! that I were endowed with the expression of a Raphael, the graces of a Guido, the magick touches of a Titian, that I might represent the fond concern, the chastened rapture, and ingenuous blush that mingled on her beauteous face, when she opened her eyes upon me, and pronounced,
"O heavens! is it you!"
I am afraid I have already encroached upon the reader's patience, with the particulars of this amour, on which (I own) I cannot help being impertinently circumstantial. I shall therefore omit the less material passages of this interview, during which I convinced her reason, tho' I could not appease the sad presages of her love, with regard to the long voyage, and dangers I must undergo.—When we had spent an hour (which was all she could spare from the barbarity of her brother's vigilance) in lamenting over our hard fate, and in repeating our reciprocal vows, Miss Williams reminded us of the necessity there was for our immediate parting; and sure, lovers never parted with such sorrow and reluctance as we. But because my words are incapable of doing justice to this affecting circumstance, I am obliged to draw a veil over it, and observe, that I returned in the dark to the house of Mrs. Sagely, who was overjoy'd to hear of my success, and opposed the tumults of my grief with such strength of reason, that my mind regained in some measure its tranquility; and that very night, after having forced upon this good gentlewoman a purse of twenty guineas, as a token of my gratitude and esteem, I took my leave of her, set out on foot for the inn, where my arrival freed honest Strap from the horrors of unutterable dread.
We took horse immediately, and alighted early next morning at Deal, where I found my uncle in great concern on account of my absence, because he had received his dispatches, and must have weighed with the first fair wind, whether I had been on board or not.—Next day, a brisk easterly gale springing up, we set sail, and in eight and forty hours got clear of the Channel.
When we were about 200 leagues from the Land's end, the captain taking me apart into the cabbin, told me, that, now he was permitted by his instructions, he would disclose the intent and destination of our voyage:
"The ship, said he, which has been fitted out at a great expence, is bound for the coast of Guinea, where we shall exchange part of our cargo for slaves and gold dust; from thence we will transport our negroes to Buenos Ayres in New-Spain, where (by virtue of passports obtained from our own court, and that of Madrid) we will dispose of them and the goods that remain on board for silver, by means of our supercargo, who is perfectly well acquainted with the coast, the lingo and inhabitants."—
Being thus let into the secret of our expedition, I borrowed of the supercargo a Spanish grammar, dictionary, and some other books of the same language, which I studied with such application, that before we arrived in New-Spain, I could maintain a conversation with him in that tongue.—Being arrived in the warm latitudes, I ordered (with the captain's consent) the whole ship's company to be blooded and purged, myself undergoing the same evacuation, in order to prevent those dangerous fevers to which northern constitutions are subject in hot climates; and I have reason to believe that this precaution was not unserviceable, for we lost but one sailor during our whole passage to the coast.
One day, when we had been about five weeks at sea, we descried to windward a large ship bearing down upon us with all the sail she could carry. Upon which, my uncle ordered the studding-sails to be hoisted, and the ship to be cleared for engaging; but finding, that (to use the seamen's phrase) we were very much wronged by the ship which had us in chace, and which by this time had hoisted French colours, he commanded the studding-sails to be taken in, the courses to be clewed up, the main-top-sail to be backed, the tompions to be taken out of the guns, and every man to repair to his quarters. While every body was busied in the performance of these orders, Strap came upon the quarter-deck, trembling, and and looking aghast, and, with a voice half suppressed by fear, asked if I thought we were a match for the vessel in pursuit of us. Observing his consternation, I said,
"What! are you afraid, Strap?"
"Afraid! (he replied) n-n-no, what should I be afraid of? I thank God I have a clear conscience;—but I believe it will be a bloody battle, and I wish you may not have occasion for another hand to assist you in the cockpit."—
I immediately perceived his drift, and making the captain acquainted with his situation, desired he might be stationed below with me and my mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusilanimity, bid me send him down instantly, that his fear might not insect the ship's company; whereupon I told the poor steward, that I had begg'd him for an assistant, and desired him to go down and help my mates to get ready the instruments and dressings.—Notwithstanding the satisfaction he must have felt at these tidings, he affected a shyness of quitting the upper deck; and said, he hoped I did not imagine he was afraid to do his duty above board, for he believed himself as well prepared for death as any man in the ship, no disparagement to me or the captain.—I was disgusted at this affectation, and in order to punish his hypocrisy, assured him, he might either go down to the cockpit, or stay upon deck during the engagement. Alarmed at this indifference, he replied,
"Well, to oblige you, I'll go down, but remember it is more for your sake than my own."
So saying, he disappeared in a twinkling, without waiting for an answer.—By this time we could observe two tire of guns in the ship which pursued us, and which was now but two short miles astern. This discovery had an evident effect upon the sailors, who did not scruple to say, that we should be tore to pieces, and blown out of the water, and that if in case any of them should lose their precious limbs, they must go abegging for life, for there was no provision made by the merchants for those poor souls who are maimed in their service. The captain understanding this backwardness, ordered the crew abaft, and spoke to them thus;
"My lads, I am told you hang an a—se.—I have gone to sea thirty years, man and boy, and never saw English sailors afraid before.—Mayhap you think I want to expose you for the lucre of gain.—Whosoever thinks so, thinks a damned lie, for my whole cargo is insured; so that in case I should be taken, my loss will not be great.—The enemy is stronger than we to be sure.—What then? have we not a chance for carrying away one of her masts, and so get clear of her?—If we find her too hard for us, 'tis but striking at last.—If any man is hurt in the engagement, I promise on the word of an honest seaman, to make them a recompence according to his loss.—So now, you that are lazy, lubberly, cowardly dogs, get away, and sculk in the hold, and bread-room; and you that are jolly boys, stand by me, and let us give one broad-side for the honour of old England."
This eloquent harangue was so well adapted to the disposition of his hearers, that one and all of them, pulling off their hats, waved them over their heads, and saluted him with three chears; upon which he sent his boy for two large case-bottles of brandy, and having treated every man with a dram, they repaired to their quarters, and waited impatiently for the word of command.—I must do my uncle the justice to say, that in the whole of his disposition, he behaved with the utmost intrepidity, conduct and deliberation.—The enemy being very near, he ordered me to my station, and was just going to give the word for hoisting the colours, and firing, when the supposed Frenchman, hauled down his white pennant jack and ensign, hoisted English ones, and fired a gun a-head of us: This was a joyful event to captain Bowling, who immediately shewed his colours, and fired a gun to leeward: Upon which the other ship run alongside of him, hailed him, and giving him to know that she was an English man of war of forty guns, ordered him to hoist out his boat and come on board.—This he performed with the more alacrity, because upon enquiry, he found that she was commanded by an old mess-mate of his, who was overjoyed to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent his barge for the supercargo and me, who were very much caressed on his account.—As this commander was destined to cruise upon the French, in the latitude of Martinico, his stem and quarters were adorned with white flowers de lis, and the whole shell of the ship so much disguised, for a decoy to the enemy, that it was no wonder my uncle did not know her, although he had sailed on board of her many years.—We kept company with her four days, during which time the captains were never asunder, and then parted, our course lying different from hers.
In less than a fortnight after, we made the land of Guinea, near the mouth of the river Gambia, and trading along the coast as far to the southward of the Line as Angola and Bengula, in less than six months disposed of the greatest part of our cargo, and purchased four hundred negroes, my adventure having been laid out chiefly in gold dust.
Our compliment being made up, we took our departure from Cape Negro, and arrived in the Rio de la Plata in six weeks, having met with nothing remarkable in our voyage, except an epidemic fever, not unlike the jail distemper, which broke out among our slaves, and carried off a good many of the ship's company; among whom I lost one of my mates, and poor Strap had well nigh given up the ghost.—Having produced our passport to the Spanish governor, we were received with great courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few days, and could have put off five times the number at our own price; being obliged to smuggle the rest of our merchandize, consisting of European bale goods, which however we made shift to dispose of at a great advantage.
CHAP. LXVI.
I am invited to the Villa of a Spanish Don, where we meet with an English gentleman, and make a very interesting discovery—we leave Buenos Ayres, and arrive at Jamaica.
OUR ship being freed from the disagreeable lading of Negroes, to whom indeed I had been a miserable slave, since our leaving the coast of Guinea, I began to enjoy myself, and breathe with pleasure the pure air of Paraguay, this part of which is reckoned the Montpelier of South America, and has obtained, on account of its climate, the name of Buenos Ayres.—It was in this delicious place, that I gave myself entirely up to the thoughts of my dear Narcissa, whose image still kept full possession of my breast, and whose charms, enhanced by absence, appeared to my imagination, if possible, more engaging than ever! I calculated the profits of my voyage, which even exceeded my expectation; resolved to purchase a handsome sine-cure upon my arrival in England, and if I should find the Squire as averse to me as ever, marry his sister by stealth; and in case our family should encrease, rely upon the generosity of my uncle, who was by this time worth a considerable sum.
While I amused myself with these agreeable projects, and the transporting hopes of enjoying Narcissa, we were very much caressed by the Spanish gentlemen, who frequently formed parties of pleasure for our entertainment, in which we made excursions a good way into the country. Among those who signalized themselves by their civility to us, there was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a very polite young gentleman, with whom I had contracted an intimate friendship, who invited us one day to his country-house, and as a further inducement to our compliance, promised to procure for us the company of an English signor, who had been settled in these parts many years, and acquired the love and esteem of the whole province by his affability, good sense, and honourable behaviour.
We accepted his invitation, and set out for his Villa, where we had not been longer than an hour, when the person arrived, in whose favour I had been so much prepossessed.—He was a tall man, remarkably well shaped, of a fine mein and appearance commanding respect, and seemed to be turned of sorty; the features of his face were saddened with a reserve and gravity, which in other countries would have been thought the effect of melancholy; but here, appeared to have been contracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, who are remarkable for that severity of countenance: Understanding from Don Antonio, that we were his countrymen, he saluted us all
ound very complaisantly, and fixing his eyes attentively on me, uttered a deep sigh.—I had been struck with a profound veneration for him at his first coming into the room; and no sooner observed this expression of his sorrow, directed, as it were, in a particular manner to me, than my heart took part in his grief, I sympathized involuntarily, and sighed in my turn.—Having asked leave of our entertainer, he accosted us in English, professed his satisfaction at seeing so many of his countrymen in such a remote place, and asked the captain, who went by the name of Signor Thoma, from what part of Britain he sailed, and whither he was bound.—My uncle told him that we had sailed from the river Thames, and were bound for the same place, by the way of Jamaica, where we intended to take in a lading of sugar.
Having satisfied himself in these and other particulars about the state of the war, he gave us to understand, that he had a longing desire to revisit his native country, in consequence of which, he had already transmitted to Europe the greatest part of his fortune in neutral bottoms, and would willingly embark the rest of it, with himself, in our ship, provided the captain had no objection to such a passenger.—My uncle very prudently replied, that for his part, he should be glad of his company, if he could procure the consent of the governor, without which he durst not admit him on board, whatever inclination he had to oblige him.—The gentleman approved of his discretion, and telling him, that there would be no difficulty in obtaining the connivance of the governor, who was his good friend, shifted the conversation to another subject.
I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and already interested myself so much in his favour, that had he been disappointed, I should have been very unhappy: In the course of our entertainment, he eyed me with uncommon attachment; I felt a surprizing attraction towards him; when he spoke, I listened with attention and reverence; the dignity of his deportment filled me with affection and awe; and in short, the emotions of my soul, in presence of this stranger, were strong and unaccountable.
Having spent the best part of the day with us, he took his leave, telling captain Thoma, that he would hear from him in a short time: He was no sooner gone, than I asked a thousand questions about him, of Don Antonio, who could give me no other satisfaction, than that his name was Don Rodriguez, that he had lived fifteen or sixteen years in these parts, was reputed rich, and supposed to have been unfortunate in his younger years, because he was observed to nourish a pensive melancholy, even from the time of his first settlement among them; but that no body had ventured to enquire into the cause of his sorrow, in consideration of his peace, which might suffer in the recapitulation of his misfortunes.
I was seized with an irresistible desire of knowing the particulars of his fate, and enjoyed not one hour of repose during the whole night, by reason of the eager conceptions that inspired me, with regard to his story, which I resolved (if possible) to learn.—Next morning, while we were at breakfast, three mules richly caparisoned arrived, with a message from Don Rodriguez, desiring our company, and that of Don Antonio, at his house, which was situated about ten miles further up in the country.—I was pleased with this invitation, in consequence of which we mounted the mules which he had provided for us, and alighted at his house before noon.—Here we were splendidly entertained by the generous stranger, who still seemed to shew a particular regard for me, and after dinner, made me a present of a ring set with a beautiful amethyst, the production of that country, saying at the same time, that he was once blessed with a son, who, had he lived, would have been nearly of my age. This observation, delivered with a profound sigh, made my heart throb with violence; a crowd of confused ideas rushed upon my imagination, which, while I endeavoured to unravel, my uncle perceived my absence of thought, and tapping me on the shoulder, said,
"Oons! are you asleep, Rory!"
Before I had time to reply, Don Rodriguez, with an uncommon eagerness of voice and look, pronounced,
"Pray, captain, what is the young gentleman's name?"—
"His name (said my uncle) is Roderick Random."—
"Gracious Powers!" (cried the stranger, starting up)—
"And his mother's—His mother (answered the captain, amazed) was called Charlotte Bowling."—
"O bounteous heaven! (exclaimed Don Rodriguez, springing across the table, and clasping me in his arms) my son! my son! have I found thee again? do I hold thee in my embrace, after having lost and despaired of seeing thee, so long?"
So saying, he fell upon my neck and wept aloud with joy; while the power of nature operating strongly in my breast, I was lost in rapture, and while he pressed me to his heart, let fall a shower of tears into his bosom.—His utterance was choaked up a good while, by the agitation of his soul; at length he broke out into
"Mysterious Providence!—O my dear Charlotte! there yet remains a pledge of our love! and such a pledge!—so found!—O infinite goodness! let me adore thy allwise decrees!"
Having thus expressed himself, he kneeled upon the floor, lifted up his eyes and hands to heaven, and remained some minutes in a silent exstacy of devotion: I put myself in the same posture, adored the all good Disposer in a prayer of mental thanksgiving; and when his ejaculation was ended, did homage to my father, and craved his parental blessing. He hugged me again with unutterable fondness, and having implored the protection of heaven upon my head, raised me from the ground, and presented me as his son to the company, who wept in concert over this affecting scene.—Among the rest my uncle did not fail of discovering the goodness and joy of his heart,
albeit unused to the melting mood;
he blubbered with great tenderness, and wringing my father's hand, cry'd,
"Brother Random, I'm rejoiced to see you—God be praised for this happy meeting."—
Don Rodriguez, understanding that he was his brother-in-law, embraced him affectionately, saying,
"Are you my Charlotte's brother?—alas! unhappy Charlotte!—but why should I repine? we shall meet again, never more to part!—Brother, you are truly welcome—Dear son, I am transported with unspeakable joy!—This day is a jubilee—my friends and servants shall share my satisfaction."
While he dispatched messengers to the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, to annonce this event, and gave orders for a grand entertainment, I was so much affected with the tumults of passion, which assailed me on this great, sudden, and unexpected occasion, that I fell sick, fevered, and in less than three hours, became quite delirious; so that the preparations were countermanded, and the joy of the family converted into grief and despair.—Physicians were instantly called, I was plentifully blooded in the foot, my lower extremities were bathed in a decoction of salutiferous herbs; in ten hours after I was taken ill, I enjoyed a critical sweat, and next day, felt no remains of the distemper, but an agreeable lassitude, which did not hinder me from getting up—During the progress of this fever, which, from the term of its duration, is called
Ephemera,
my father never once quitted my bed-side, but administred the prescriptions of the physicians with the most pious care; while Captain Bowling manifested his concern by the like attendance.—I no sooner found myself delivered from the disease, than I bethought myself of my honest friend Strap; and resolving to make him happy forthwith, in the knowledge of my good fortune, told my father, in general, that I had been infinitely obliged to this faithful adherent; and begged he would indulge me so far as to send for him, without letting him know my happiness, until he could receive an account of it from my own mouth.
My request was instantly complied with, and a messenger with a spare mule detached to the ship, carrying orders from the captain to the mate to send the steward by the bearer.—My health being, in the mean time, re-established, and my mind composed, I began to relish this important turn of my fortune, in reflecting upon the advantages with which it must be attended; and as the idea of my lovely Narcissa always joined itself to every scene of happiness I could imagine, I entertained myself now, with the prospect of possessing her in that distinguished sphere, to which she was intitled by her birth and qualifications.—Having often mentioned her name while I was deprived of my senses, my father guessed that there was an intimate connexion between us, and discovering the picture which hung in my bosom by a ribbon, did not doubt that it was the resemblance of my amiable mistress: In this belief he was confirmed by my uncle, who told him that it was the picture of a young woman, to whom I was under promise of marriage.—Alarmed at this piece of information, Don Rodriguez took the first opportunity of questioning me about the circumstances of this affair, which when I had candidly recounted, he approved of my passion, and promised to contribute all in his power towards its success: though I never doubted his generosity, I was transported on this occasion, and throwing myself at his feet, told him, he had now compleated my happiness; for without the possession of Narcissa, I should be miserable among all the pleasures of life.—He raised me with a smile of paternal fondness; said, he knew what it was to be in love; and observed, that if he had been as tenderly beloved by his father, as I was by mine, he would not now, perhaps, have cause—Here he was interrupted by a sigh, the tear stood collected in his eye, he suppressed the dictates of his grief, and the time being opportune, desired me to relate the passages of my life, which my uncle had told him were manifold and surprizing.—I recounted the most material circumstances of my fortune, to which he listened with wonder and attention, manifesting from time to time those different emotions, which my different situations may be supposed to have raised in a parent's breast; and when my detail was ended, blessed God for the adversity I had undergone, which, he said, enlarged the understanding, improved the heart, steeled the constitution, and qualified a young man for all the duties and enjoyments of life, much better than any education which affluence could bestow.
When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I discovered an inclination to hear the particulars of his story, which he gratified, by beginning with his marriage, and proceeding to the day of his disappearing, as I have related in the first part of my memoirs,
"Careless of life (continued he) and unable to live in a place where every object recalled the memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I had lost through the barbarity of an unnatural parent, I took my leave of you, my child, then an infant, with an heart full of unutterable woe, but little suspecting that my father's unkindness would have descended to my innocent orphan; and setting out alone, at midnight, for the nearest sea-port, early next morning got on board a ship, bound, as I had heard, for France, and bargaining with the master for my passage, bid a long adieu to my native country, and put to sea with the first fair wind. The place of our destination was Granville, but we had the misfortune to run upon a ridge of rocks near the island of Alderney called the Gaskets, where the sea running high, the ship went to pieces, the boat sunk along-side, and every soul on board perished, except myself, who by the assistance of a grating, got ashore on the coast of Normandy: I went directly to Caen, where I was so lucky as to meet with a Count, whom I had formerly known in my travels: With this gentleman, I set out for Paris, where I was recommended by him and other friends, as a tutor to a young nobleman, whom I accompanied to the court of Spain.—There we remained a whole year, at the end of which my pupil being recalled by his father, I quitted my office and staid behind, by the advice of a certain Spanish grandee who took me into his protection, and introduced me to another nobleman, who was afterwards created Viceroy of Peru.—He insisted on my attending him to his government in the Indies, where, however, by reason of my religion, it was not in his power to make my fortune any other way than by encouraging me to trade, which I had not long prosecuted when my patron died, and I found myself in the midst of strangers, without one friend to support or protect me; urged by this consideration, I sold my effects and removed to this country, the governour of which having been appointed by the Vice-roy, was my intimate acquaintance.—Here has heaven prospered my endeavours, during a residence of sixteen years, in which my tranquillity was never invaded, but by the remembrance of your mother, whose death I have in secret mourned without ceasing; and the reflection of you, whose sate I could never learn, notwithstanding all my inquiries, by means of my friends in France, who, after the most strict examination, could give me no other account, than that you went abroad six years ago, and was never after heard of.—I could not rest satisfied with this imperfect information, and though my hope of finding you was but languid, resolved to go in quest of you in person; for which purpose, I have remitted to Holland the value of twenty thousand pound, and am in possession of fifteen thousand more, with which I intended to embark myself on board of captain Bowling, before I discovered this amazing stroke of providence, which you may be sure has not altered my intention."
My father having entertained us with this agreeable sketch of his life, withdrew in order to relieve Don Antonio, who in his absence, had done the honours of his house; and I was just dressed for my appearance among the guests, when Strap arrived from the ship.
He no sooner entered the grand apartment, in which I was, and saw the magnificence of my apparel, than his speech was lost in amazement, and he gaped in silence at the objects that surrounded him.—I took him by the hand, observed that I had sent for him to be a witness and sharer of my happiness, and told him I had found a father.—At these words he started, and after having continued some minutes with his mouth and eyes wide open, cried,
"Aha!—odd, I know what! go thy ways, poor Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else—well—Lord, what a thing is love?—God help us! are all our mad pranks and protestations come to this? what! and you have fixed your habitation in this distant land! God prosper you—I find we must part at last—for I would not leave my poor carcass so far from my native home, for all the wealth of the universe!"
With these ejaculations, he began to sob and make wry faces; upon which I assured him of his mistake, both in regard to Narcissa, and my staying in Paraguay, and informed him as briefly as I could, of the great event which had happened.—Never was rapture more ludicrously expressed, than in the behaviour of this worthy creature, who cried, laughed, whistled, sung and danced, all in a breath; his transport was scarce over, when my father entered, who no sooner understood that this was Strap, than he took him by the hand, saying,
"Is this the honest man, who befriended you so much in your distress? your are welcome to my house, and I shall soon put it in the power of my son to reward you for your good offices in his behalf; in the mean time, go with us and partake of the repast that is provided."
Strap, wild as he was with joy, would by no means accept of the profered honour, crying,
"God forbid! I know my distance—your worship shall excuse me."
And Don Rodriguez finding his modesty invincible, recommended him to his Major Domo, to be treated with the utmost respect; while he carried me into a large saloon, where I was presented to a numerous company, who loaded me with compliments and caresses, and congratulated my father in terms not proper for me to repeat.
Without specifying the particulars of our entertainment, let it suffice to say, it was at the same time elegant and sumptuous, and the rejoicing lasted two days: After which, Don Rodriguez settled his affairs, converted his effects into silver and gold, visited and took leave of all his friends, who were grieved at his departure, and honoured me with considerable presents; and coming on board of my uncle's ship, with the first favourable wind we sailed from the Rio de la Plato, and in two months came safe to an anchor in the harbour of Kingston in the island of Jamaica.
CHAP. LXVII.
I visit my old friend Thomson—we set sail for Europe, meet with an odd adventure—arrive in England—I ride across the country from Portsmouth to Sussex—converse with Mrs. Sagely, who informs me of Narcissa's being in London—in consequence of this intelligence, I proceed to Canterbury—meet with my old friend Morgan—arrive at London—visit Narcissa—introduce my father to her—he is charmed with her good sense and beauty—we come to a determination of demanding her brother's consent to our marriage.
I Enquired, as soon as I got ashore, about my generous companion Mr. Thomson; and hearing that he lived in a flourishing condition, upon the estate lest to him by his wife's father, who had been dead some years, I took horse immediately, with the consent of Don Rodriguez, who had heard me mention him with great regard, and in a few hours reached the place of his habitation.
I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. Thomson's sentiments, to say barely he was glad to see me: He felt all that the most sensible and disinterested friendship could feel on this occasion, introduced me to his wife, a very amiable young lady, who had already blessed him with two fine children; and being as yet ignorant of my circumstances, frankly offered me the assistance of his purse and interest. I thanked him for his generous intention, and made him acquainted with my situation, on which he congratulated me with great joy, and after I had staid with him a whole day and night, accompanied me back to Kingston, to wait upon my father, whom he invited to his house: Don Rodriguez complied with his request, and having been handsomely entertained during the space of a week, returned extremely well satisfied with the behaviour of my friend and his lady, to whom at parting, he presented a valuable diamond ring, as a token of his esteem. During the course of my conversation with Mr. Thomson, he let me know, that his and my old commander captain Oakhum was dead some months, and that immediately after his death, a discovery had been made of some valuable effects that he had feloniously secreted out of a prize, by the assistance of Dr. Mackshane, who was now actually in prison on that account, and being destitute of friends, subsisted solely on the charity of my friend, whose bounty he had implored in the most abject manner, after having been the barbarous occasion of driving him to that terrible extremity on board of the Thunder, which we have formerly related.—Whatsoever this wretch might have been guilty of, I applauded Mr. Thomson's generosity towards him in his distress, which wrought so much upon me also, that I sent him ten pistoles, in such a private manner, that he could never know his benefactor.
While my father and I were caressed among the gentlemen on shore, captain Bowling had wrote to his owners, by the packet, which sailed a few days after our arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage hitherto, and desiring them to ensure his ship and cargo homeward bound; after which he applied himself so heartily to the loading his ship, that with the assistance of Mr. Thomson, she was full in less than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise procured for Don Rodriguez, bills upon London for the greatest part of his gold and silver, by which means it was secured against the risk of the seas and the enemy; and before we sailed, supplied us with such large quantities of all kinds of stock, that not only we, but the whole ships company, fared sumptuously during the voyage.
Every thing being ready, we took our leave of our kind entertainers, and going on board at Port Royal, set sail for England on the first day of June.—We beat up to windward, with fine easy weather; and one night, believing ourselves near Cape Tiberoon, lay to, with an intention to wood and water next morning in the bay: While we remained in this situation, a sailor having drank more new rum than he could carry, staggered over-board, and notwithstanding all the means that could be used to preserve him, went to the bottom and disappeared. About two hours after this melancholy accident happened, as I enjoyed a cool air on the quarter-deck, I heard a voice rising, as it were, out of the sea, and calling,
"Ho, the ship, a hoy!"
Upon which one of the men upon the forecastle cried,
"I'll be d—n'd, if that an't Jack Marlinspike, who went over-board!"
Not a little surprized at this event, I jumped into the boat that lay along-side, with the second mate and four men, and rowing towards the place, from whence the voice (which repeated the hail) seemed to proceed, we perceived something floating upon the water; when we had rowed a little farther, we discerned it to be a man riding upon a hencoop, who seeing us approach, pronounced with a hoarse voice,
"D—n your bloods! why did you not answer when I hailed?"
Our mate, who was a veritable seaman, hearing this salute, said,
"By G—d, my lads, this is none of our man—This is the devil—pull away for the ship."
The fellows obeyed his command, without question, and were already some fathoms on our return, when I insisted on their taking up the poor creature, and prevailed upon them to go back to the wreck, which when we came near the second time, and signified our intention, we received an answer of,
"Avast, avast—what ship, brother?"
Being satisfied in this particular, he cried,
"D—n the ship, I was in hopes it had been my own—where are you bound?"
We gratified his curiosity in this too; upon which he suffered himself to be taken on board, and after being comforted with a dram, told us, he belonged to the Vesuvio man of war, upon a cruize off the island of Hispaniola; that he had fallen over-board about four and twenty hours ago, and the ship being under sail, they did not chuse to bring to, but tossed a hen-coop over-board for his convenience, upon which he was in good hopes of reaching the Cape next morning; howsomever, he was as well content to be aboard us, because he did not doubt that we should meet his ship; and if he had gone ashore in the bay, he might have been taken prisoner by the French.—My uncle and father were very much diverted with the account of this fellow's unconcerned behaviour; and in two days, meeting with the Vesuvio, as he expected, he was sent him on board of her according to his desire.
Having beat up successfully the windward passage, we stretched to the northward, and falling in with a westerly wind, in eight weeks arrived in soundings, and in two days after made the Lizzard.—It is impossible to express the joy I felt at sight of English ground! Don Rodriguez was not unmoved, and Strap shed tears of gladness.—The sailors profited by our satisfaction; the shoe that was nailed to the mast, being quite filled with our liberality.—My uncle resolved to run up into the Downs at once, but the wind shifting when we were a-breast of the isle of Wight, he was obliged to turn in to St. Helens, and come to an anchor at Spithead, to the great mortification of the crew, thirty of whom were immediately pressed on board of a man of war.
My father and I went a shore immediately to Portsmouth, leaving Strap with the captain to go round with the ship and take care of our effects; and I discovered so much impatience to see my charming Narcissa, that my father permitted me to ride across the country to her brother's house; while he should hire a post-chaise for London, where he would wait for me at a place to which I directed him.
Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I took post that very night, and in the morning reached an inn, about three miles from the Squire's habitation; here I remained till next evening, allaying the torture of my impatience with the rapturous hope of seeing that divine creature, after an absence of eighteen months, which so far from impairing, had raised my love to the most exalted pitch! Neither were my reflections free from apprehension, that sometimes intervened in spite of all my hope, and represented her as having yielded to the importunity of her brother, and blessed the arms of an unhappy rival.—My thoughts were even maddened with the fear of her death; and when I arrived in the dark at the house of Mrs. Sagely, I had not for some time courage to desire admittance, lest my soul should be shocked with dismal tidings. At length, however, I knocked, and no sooner certified the good gentlewoman of my voice than she opened the door, and received me with a most affectionate embrace, that brought tears into her aged eyes:
"For heaven's sake! dear mother (cried I) tell me, how is Narcissa? is she the same that I left her?"
She blessed my ears with saying,
"She is as beautiful, in as good health, and as much yours as ever."—
Transported at this assurance, I begged to know if I could not see her that very night; when this sage matron gave me to understand that my mistress was in London, and that things were strangely altered in the Squire's house since my departure; that he had been married a whole year to Melinda, who at first found means to wean his attention so much from Narcissa, that he became quite careless of that lovely sister, comforting himself with the clause in his father's will, by which she would forfeit her fortune, if she should marry without his consent;—that my mistress being but indifferently treated by her sister-in-law, had made use of her freedom some months ago, and gone to town, where she was lodged with Miss Williams, in expectation of my arrival; and had been pestered with the addresses of Lord Quiverwit, who finding her heart engaged, had fallen upon a great many shifts, to perswade her that I was dead: but finding all his artifices unsuccessful, and despairing of gaining her affection, he had consoled himself for her indifference, by marrying another lady some weeks ago, who had already lest him on account of some family uneasiness.—Besides this interesting information, she told me, that there was not a great deal of harmony between Melinda and the Squire, who was so much disgusted at the number of gallants who continued to hover about her even after marriage, that he hurried her down into the country much against her inclination, where their mutual animosities had risen to such a height, that they preserved no decency before company or servants, but abused one another in the grossest terms.
This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of my dear Narcissa's unalterable love, gratified me with a sight of the last letter she had favoured her with, in which I was mentioned with so much honour, tenderness and concern, that my soul was fired with impatience, and I determined to ride all night, that I might have it the sooner in my power to make her happy.—Mrs. Sagely perceiving my eagerness, and her maternal affection being equally divided between Narcissa and me, begged leave to remind me of the sentiments with which I went abroad, that would not permit me for any selfish gratification to prejudice the fortune of that amiable young lady, who must entirely depend upon me, after having bestowed herself in marriage. I thanked her for her kind concern, and as briefly as possible described my flourishing situation, which afforded this humane person infinite wonder and satisfaction. I told her, that now I had an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for the obligations I owed, I would endeavour to make her old age comfortable and easy; as a step to which, I proposed she should come and live with Narcissa and me.—This venerable gentlewoman was so much affected with my words, that the tears run down her ancient cheeks; she thanked heaven that I had not belied the presages she had made, on her first acquaintance with me; acknowledging my generosity, as she called it, in the most elegant and pathetick expressions; but declined my proposal, on account of her attachment to the dear melancholy cottage where she had so peacefully consumed her solitary widowhood. Finding her immoveable on this subject, I insisted on her accepting a present of thirty guineas, and took my leave, resolving to accommodate her with the same sum annually, for the more comfortable support of the infirmities of age.
Having rode all night, I found myself at Canterbury in the morning, where I alighted to procure fresh horses; and as I walked into the inn, perceived an apothecary's shop on the other side of the street, with the name of Morgan over the door: Alarm'd at this discovery, I could not help thinking that my old mess-mate had settled in this place; and upon enquiry, found my conjecture true, and that he was married lately to a widow of that city, by whom he had got three thousand pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went to his shop as soon as it was open, and found my friend behind the counter, busy in preparing a glyster. I saluted him at entrance, with
"Your servant, Mr. Morgan."—
Upon which he looked at me, and replying,
"Your most humble servant, goot Sir;"
rubbed his ingredients in the mortar, without any emotion.
"What! (said I) Morgan, have you forgot your old mess-mate?"
At these words, he looked up again, and starting, cried,
"As Got is my—sure it cannot—yes by my salfation, I pelieve it is my tear frient Mr. Rantom."—
He was no sooner convinced of my identity, than he threw down the pestle, overset the mortar, and jumping over the board, swept up the contents with his cloaths, flew about my neck, hugged me affectionately, and daubed me all over with turpentine and the yolks of eggs, which he had been mixing when I came in.—Our mutual congratulations being over, he told me, that he found himself a widower upon his return from the West Indies; that he had got interest to be appointed surgeon of a man of war, in which capacity he had served some years, until he married an apothecary's widow, with whom he now enjoyed a pretty good sum of money, peace and quiet, and an indifferent good trade.—He was very desirous of hearing my adventures, which I assured him I had not time to relate, but told him in general, my circumstances were very good, and that I hoped to see him when I should not be in such a hurry as at present.—He insisted however on my staying breakfast, and introduced me to his wife, who seemed to be a decent sensible woman, pretty well stricken in years. In the course of our conversation, he shewed the sleeve-buttons I had exchanged with him at our parting in the West Indies, and was not a little proud to see that I had preserved his with the same care. When I informed him of Mackshane's condition, he seem'd at first to exult over his distress; but after a little recollection, he said,
"Well, he has paid for his malice, I forgife him, and may Got forgife him likewise."
He expressed great concern for the soul of captain Oakhum, which he believed was now gnashing its teeth: but it was some time before I could convince him of Thomson's being alive, at whose good fortune nevertheless he was extremely glad.
Having renewed our protestations of friendship, I bid the honest Welchman and his spouse farewell, and taking post horses, arrived at London that same night, where I found my father in good health, to whom I imparted what I had learned of Narcissa.—This indulgent parent approved of my intention of marrying her, even without a fortune, provided her brother's consent could not be obtained; promised to make over to me in a few days a sufficiency to maintain her in a fashionable manner, and expressed a desire of seeing this amiable creature, who had captivated me so much.—As I had not slept the night before, and was besides fatigued with my journey, I found myself under a necessity of taking some repose, and went to bed accordingly: next morning about ten a-clock, I took a chair, and, according to Mrs. Sagely's directions, went to my charmer's lodgings, and enquired for Miss Williams.—I had not waited in a parlour longer than a minute, when this young woman entered, and no sooner perceived me, than she shrieked and run backward; I got between her and the door, and clasping her in my arms, brought her to herself by an embrace.
"Good heaven (cried she) Mr. Random is it you indeed! my mistress will run distracted with joy."—
I told her, it was from an apprehension that my sudden appearance would have some bad effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired to see her first, in order to concert some method of acquainting her mistress gradually with my arrival. She approved of my conduct, and after having yielded to the suggestions of her own friendship, in asking if my voyage had been successful, charged herself with that office, and left me glowing with desire of seeing and embracing the object of my love. In a very little time I heard some body coming down stairs in haste, and the voice of my angel pronounce, with an eager tone,
"O heaven! is it possible! where is he?"
How were my faculties arroused at this well-known sound! and how was my soul transported, when she broke in upon my view, in all the bloom of ripened beauty!
Grace was in all her steps, heaven in her eye, in every gesture dignity and love!
—You whose souls are susceptible of the most delicate impressions, whose tender bosoms have felt the affecting vicissitudes of love, who have suffered an absence of eighteen long months from the dear object of your hope, and found at your return the melting fair, as kind and constant as your heart could wish; do me justice on this occasion, and conceive what unutterable rapture possessed us both, while we flew into one anothers arms! This was no time for speech,—locked in a mutual embrace, we continued some minutes in a silent trance of joy!—When I thus encircled all that my soul held dear,—while I hung over her beauties,—beheld her eyes sparkle, and every feature flush with virtuous fondness; when I saw her enchanting bosom heave with undissembled rapture, and knew myself the happy cause—Heavens! what was my situation!—I am tempted to commit my paper to the flames, and to renounce my pen for ever, because its most ardent and lucky expression so poorly describes the emotions of my soul. O adorable Narcissa! (cried I) O miracle of beauty, love and truth! I at last fold thee in my arms! I at last can call thee mine! no jealous brother shall thwart our happiness again; fortune hath at length recompenced me for all my sufferings, and enabled me to do justice to my love.—The dear creature smiled ineffably charming, and with a look of bewitching tenderness, said,
"And shall we never part again?"
"Never! (I replied) thou wondrous pattern of all earthly perfection! never, until death shall divide us! by this ambrosial kiss, a thousand times more fragrant than the breeze that sweeps the orange grove, I never more will leave thee!"
As my first transport abated, my passion grew turbulent and unruly. I was giddy with standing on the brink of bliss, and all my virtue and philosophy were scarce sufficient to restrain the inordinate sallies of desire.—Narcissa perceived the conflict within me, and with her usual dignity of prudence, called off my imagination from the object in view, and with eager expressions of interested curiosity, desired to know the particulars of my voyage.—In this I gratified her inclination, bringing my story down to the present hour. She was infinitely surprised at the circumstances of my finding my father, which brought tears into her lovely eyes. She was transported at hearing that he approved my flame, discovered a longing desire of being introduced to him, congratulated herself and me upon my good fortune, and observed that this great and unexpected stroke of fate seemed to have been brought about by the immediate direction of providence.—Having entertained ourselves some hours with the genuine effusions of our souls, I obtained her consent to compleat my happiness as soon as my father should judge it proper; and applying with my own hands a valuable necklace, composed of diamonds and amethysts set alternately, which an old Spanish lady at Paraguay presented me with, I took my leave, promising to return in the afternoon with Don Rodriguez.—When I went home, this generous parent enquired very affectionately about the health of my dear Narcissa, to whom that I might be the more agreeable, he put into my hand a deed, by which I found myself in possession of fifteen thousand pounds, exclusive of the profits of my own merchandize, which amounted to three thousand more.—After dinner I accompanied him to the lodging of my mistress, who being dressed for the occasion, made a most dazzling appearance. I could perceive him struck with her figure, which I really think was the most beautiful that ever was created under the sun. He embraced her tenderly, and told her, he was proud of having a son who had spirit to attempt, and qualifications to engage, the affections of such a fine lady.—She blushed at this compliment, and with eyes full of the softest languishment turned upon me, said, she would have been unworthy of Mr. Random's attention, had she been blind to his extraordinary merit.—I made no other answer than a low bow. My father sighing, pronounced,
"Such once was my Charlotte!"
while the tear rushed into his eye, and the tender heart of Narcissa manifested itself in two precious drops of sympathy, which, but for his presence, I would have kissed away. Without repeating the particulars of our conversation, I shall only observe, that Don Rodriguez was as much charmed with her good-sense, as with her appearance; and she was no less pleased with his understanding and polite address.—It was determined that he should write to the Squire signifying his approbation of my passion for his sister, and offering a settlement which he should have no reason to reject; and that, if he should refuse the proposal, we would crown our mutual wishes without any farther regard to his will.
CHAP. LXVIII.
My father makes a present to Narcissa—the letter is dispatched to her brother—I appear among my acquaintance—Banter's behaviour—the Squire refuses his consent—my uncle comes to town—approves of my choice—I am married—we meet the Squire and his lady at the play—our acquaintance is courted.
AFTER having spent the evening to the satisfaction of all present, my father addressed himself thus to Narcissa,
"Madam, give me leave to consider you hereafter as my daughter, in which capacity I insist upon your accepting this first instance of my paternal duty and affection."
With these words, he put into her hand a bank-note for 500
l.
which she no sooner examined, than with a low curtesy she replied,
"Dear Sir, tho' I have not the least occasion for this supply, I have too great a veneration for you, to refuse this proof of your generosity and esteem, which I the more freely receive, because I already look upon Mr. Random's interest as inseparably connected with mine."
He was extremely well pleased at her frank and ingenuous reply, upon which we saluted, and wished her good night.—The letter, at my request, was dispatched to Sussex by an express, and in the mean time, Don Rodriguez, to grace my nuptials, hired a ready-furnished house, and set up a very handsom equipage.
Though I passed the greatest part of the day with the darling of my soul, I found leisure sometimes to be among my former acquaintance, who were astonished at the magnificence of my appearance: Banter in particular was confounded at the strange vicissitudes of my fortune, the causes of which he endeavoured in vain to discover, until I thought fit to disclose the whole secret of my last voyage, partly in consideration of our former intimacy, and partly to prevent unfavourable conjectures which he and others, in all probability, would have made in regard to my circumstances. He professed great satisfaction at this piece of news, and I had no cause to believe him insincere, when I considered that he would now look upon himself as acquitted of the debt he owed me, and at the same time flatter himself with hopes of borrowing more.—I carried him home to dinner with me, and my father liked his conversation so much, that upon hearing his difficulties, he desired me to accommodate him for the present, and enquire if he would accept of a commission in the army, towards the purchase of which he would willingly lend him money. Accordingly, I gave my friend an opportunity of being alone with me, when, as I expected, he told me that he was just on the point of being reconciled to an old rich uncle, whose heir he was, but wanted a few pieces for immediate expence, which he desired I would lend him, and take his bond for the whole. His demand was limited to ten guineas; and when I put twenty into his hand, he stared at me for some moments, then putting it into his purse, said,
"Ay, 'tis all one,—you'll have the whole in a very short time."
When I had taken his note, to save the expence of a bond, I expressed some surprize that a fellow of his spirit should loiter away his time in idleness, and asked why he did not choose to make his fortune in the army.—
"What! (said he) throw away money upon a subaltern's commission, to be under the command of a parcel of scoundrels who have raised themselves above me by the most infamous practices! no, I love independency too well to sacrifice my life, health and pleasure for such a pitiful consideration."—
Finding him averse to this way of life, I chang'd the subject, and return'd to Don Rodriguez, who had just received the following epistle from the Squire.
SIR,
COncerning a letter which I received, subscrib'd R. Random, this is the answer.—As for you, I know nothing of you.—Your son, or pretended son, I have seen;—if he marries my sister, at his peril be it; I do declare, that he shall not have one sarthing of her fortune, which becomes my property, if she takes a husband without my consent.—Your settlement, I do believe, is all a sham, and yourself no better than you should be; but if you had all the wealth of the Indies, your son shall never match in our family, with the consent of
Orson Topehall.
My father was not much surprised at this polite letter, after having heard the character of the author: and as for me, I was even pleased at his refusal, because I now had an opportunity of shewing my disinterested love. By his permission I waited on my charmer; and having imparted the contents of her brother's letter, at which she wept bitterly, in spite of all my consolation and caresses, the time of our marriage was fixed at the distance of two days.—During this interval, in which my soul was wound up to the last stretch of rapturous expectation, Narcissa endeavoured to reconcile some of her relations in town to her marriage with me; but finding them all deaf to her remonstrances, either out of envy or prejudice; she told me with the most enchanting sweetness, while the tears bedewed her lovely cheeks,
"Sure the world will no longer question your generosity, when you take a poor forlorn beggar to your arms."
Affected with her sorrow, I pressed the fair mourner to my breast, and swore that she was more dear and welcome on that account, because she had sacrificed her friends and fortune to her love for me.—My uncle, for whose character she had a great veneration, being by this time come to town, I introduced him to my bride; and although he was not very much subject to refined sensations, he was struck dumb with admiration at her beauty. After having kissed and gazed at her for some time, he turned to me, saying,
"Odds bobs, Rory! here's a notable prize indeed, finely built and gloriously rigged, I faith! if she an't well manned when you have the command of of her, sirrah, you deserve to go to sea in a cockle-shell.—No offence, I hope, niece; you must not mind what I say, being (as the saying is) a plain sea-faring man, thof mayhap I have as much regard for you as another."—
She received him with great civility, told him she had longed a great while to see a person to whom she was so much indebted for his generosity to Mr. Random, that she looked upon him as her uncle, by which name she begged leave to call him for the future, and that she was very sure he could say nothing that could give her the least offence. The honest captain was transported at her courteous behaviour, and insisted upon
giving her away
at the ceremony, swearing that he loved her as well as if she was his own child, and that he would give two thousand guineas to the first fruit of o
ove, as soon as it could squeak.—Every
ng being prepared for the solemnization of our nuptials, which were to be performed privately at my father's house, the auspicious hour arrived, when Don Rodriguez and my uncle went in the coach to fetch the bride and Miss Williams; leaving me with a parson, Banter and Strap, neither of whom had as yet seen my charming mistress.—My faithful valet, who was on the rack of impatience to behold a lady of whom he had heard so much, no sooner understood that the coach was returned, than he placed himself at a window to have a peep at her as she alighted; and when he saw her, he clapped his hands together, turned up the white of his eyes, and with his mouth wide open, remained in a sort of extasy, which broke out into,
"
O Dea certe!—qualis in Eurotae ripis, aut per juga Cynthi exercet Diana choros!
"—
The doctor and Banter were surpriz'd to hear my man speak Latin, but when my father led Narcissa into the room, the object of their admiration was soon changed, as appear'd in the countenances of both.—Indeed they must have been the most insensible of all beings, could they have beheld without emotion the divine creature that approached! She was dressed in a sack of white sattin, embroidered on the breast with gold; the crown of her head was covered with a small French cap, from whence descended her beautiful hair in ringlets that waved upon her snowy neck, which dignified the necklace I had given her; her looks glowed with modesty and love; and her bosom, thro' the veil of gauze that shaded it, afforded a prospect of Elyzium!—I received this inestimable gift of providence as became me; and in a little time the clergyman did his office, my uncle, at his own earnest request, acting the part of a father to my dear Narcissa, who trembled very much, and had scarce spirits sufficient to support her under this great change of situation.—Soon as she was mine by the laws of heaven and earth, I printed a burning kiss upon her lips, my father embraced her tenderly, my uncle hugged her with great affection, and I presented her to my friend Banter, who saluted her in a very polite manner; Miss Williams hung round her neck, and wept plentifully; while Strap fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss his lady's hand, which she presented with great affability.—I shall not pretend to describe my own feelings at this juncture; let it suffice to say, that after having supped and entertained ourselves 'till ten a-clock, I cautioned my Narcissa against exposing her health by sitting up too late, and she was prevailed upon to withdraw with her maid to an apartment destin'd for us. When she left the room, her face was overspread with a blush that set all my blood in a state of fermentation, and made every pulse beat with tenfold vigour! She was so cruel as to let me remain in this condition a full half hour; when, no longer able to restrain my impatience, I broke from the company, burst into her chamber, pushed out her confidante, locked the door, and found her—O heav'n and earth! a feast, a thousand times more delicious than my most sanguine hope presaged!—But let me not profane the chaste mysteries of hymen—I was the happiest of men!
In the morning I was awaked by three or four drums, which Banter had placed under the window; upon which I withdrew the curtain, and enjoyed the unspeakable satisfaction of contemplating those angelic charms, which were now in my possession!
Beauty! which whether sleeping or awake, shot forth peculiar graces!
—The light darting upon my Narcissa's eyes, she awoke also, and recollecting her situation, hid her blushes in my bosom.—I was distracted with joy! I could not believe the evidence of my senses, and looked upon all that had happened, as the fictions of a dream! In the mean time my uncle knocked at the door, and bid me turn out, for I had had a long spell.—I got up accordingly, and sent Miss Williams to her mistress, myself receiving the congratulation of captain Bowling, who rallied me in his sea phrase, with great success.—In less than an hour, Don Rodriguez led my wife in to breakfast, where she received the compliments of the company on her looks, which, they said, if possible, were improved by matrimony.—As her delicate ears were offended with none of those indecent ambiguities, which are too often spoke on such occasions, she behaved with dignity, unaffected modesty, and ease; and as a testimony of my affection and esteem, I presented her, in presence of them all, with a deed, by which I settled the whole fortune I was possessed of, on her and her heirs for ever.—She accepted it with a glance of most tender acknowledgment, observed, that she could not be surprized at any thing of this kind I should do, and desired my father to take the trouble of keeping it, saying,
"Next to my own Mr. Random, you are the person in whom I ought to have the greatest confidence."
Charm'd with her prudent and ingenuous manner of proceeding, he took the paper, and assured her that it should not lose its value while in his custody.
As we had not many visits to give and receive; the little time we stayed in town was spent in going to publick diversions, where I have the vanity to think Narcissa seldom was eclipsed.—One night in particular, we had sent our footman to keep one of the stage-boxes, which we no sooner entered, than we perceived in the opposite box the Squire and his lady, who seem'd not a little surprised at seeing us. I was pleased at this opportunity of confronting them; the more, because Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by my wife, who happened that night to outshine her sister both in beauty and dress.—She was piqued at Narcissa's victory, tossed her head a thousand different ways, flirted her fan, looked at us with disdain, then whispered to her husband, and broke out into an affected giggle; but all her arts proved ineffectual, either to discompose Mrs. Random, or to conceal her own mortification, which at length forced her away long before the play was done.—The news of our marriage being spread, with many circumstances to our disadvantage, by the industry of this malignant creature, a certain set of persons, fond of scandal, began to enquire into the particulars of my fortune, which they no sooner understood to be independant, than the tables were turned, and our acquaintance was courted as much as it had been despised before: But Narcissa had too much dignity of pride, to encourage this change of conduct, especially in her relations, whom she could never be prevailed upon to see, after the malicious reports they had raised to her prejudice.
CHAP. LXIX.
My father intends to revisit the place of his nativity—we propose to accompany him—my uncle renews his will in my favour, determining to go to sea again—we set out for Scotland—arrive at Edinburgh—purchase our paternal estate—proceed to to it—halt at the town where I was educated—take up my bond to Crab—the behaviour of Potion and his wife, and one of my female cousins—our reception at the estate—Strap marries Miss Williams, and is settled by my father to his own satisfaction—I am more and more happy.
MY father intending to revisit his native country, and pay the tribute of a few tears at my mother's grave, Narcissa and I resolved to accompany him in the execution of this pious office, and accordingly prepared for the journey; in which, however, my uncle would not engage, being resolved to try his fortune once more at sea. In the mean time, he renewed his will in favour of my wife and me, and deposited it in the hands of his brother-in-law: While I (that I might not be wanting to my own interest) summoned the Squire to produce his father's will at Doctor's Commons, and employed a proctor to manage the affair in my absence.
Every thing being thus settled, we took leave of all our friends in London, and set out for Scotland, Don Rodriguez, Narcissa, Miss Williams, and I in the coach, and Strap with two men in livery on horse-back: As we made easy stages, my charmer held it out very well, till we arrived at Edinburgh, where we proposed to rest ourselves some weeks. People of our figure could not fail of attracting the notice of such a small place, where, as soon as our family was known, we were loaded with caresses, and Narcissa was so much pleased with the civilities she received, that she protested she would never desire to live in any other part of the world.
Here Don Rodriguez having intelligence that his nephew the fox-hunter had spent his estate, which was to be exposed to sale by publick auction, he determined to make a purchase of the spot where he was born, and actually bought the whole of his father's lands.
In a few days after this bargain was made, we left Edinburgh, in order to go and take possession; and by the way, halted one night in that town where I was educated.—Upon inquiry, I found that Mr. Crab was dead; whereupon I sent for his executor, paid the sum I owed, with interest, and took up my bond. Mr. Potion and his wife hearing of our arrival, had the assurance to come to the inn where we lodged, and send up their names, with a desire of being permitted to pay their respects to my father and me: But their fordid behaviour towards me, when I was an orphan, had made too deep an impression on my mind, to be effaced by this mean mercenary piece of condescension; I therefore rejected their message with disdain, and bid Strap tell them, that my father and I desired to have no communication with such low-minded wretches as they were.
They had not been gone half an hour, when a woman without any ceremony, opened the door of the room where we sat, and making towards my father, accosted him with,
"Uncle, your servant—I am glad to see you."—
This was no other than one of my female cousins, mentioned in the first part of my memoirs, to whom Don Rodriguez replied,
"Pray, who are you, madam?"—
"O! (cried she) my cousin Rory there, knows me very well—Don't you remember me, Rory?"—
"Yes, madam, (said I) for my own part, I shall never forget you.—Sir, this is one of the young ladies, who (as I have formerly told you) treated me so humanely in my childhood!"
When I pronounced these words, my father's resentment glowed in his visage, and he ordered her to be gone, with such a commanding aspect, that she retired in a fright, muttering curses as she went down stairs: We afterwards learned that she was married to an ensign, who had already spent all her fortune; and that her sister had bore a child to her mother's footman, who is now her husband, and keeps a petty ale-house in the country.
The fame of our flourishing condition having arrived at this place before us, we got notice that the magistrates intended next day to compliment us with the freedom of their town; upon which my father, considering their complaisance in the right point of view, ordered the horses to the coach early in the morning, when we proceeded to our estate, which lay about a dozen miles from this place.
When we came within half a league of the house, we were met by a prodigious number of poor tenants, men, women and children, who testified their joy by loud acclamations, and accompanied our coach to the gate.—As there is no part of the world, in which the peasants are more attached to their Lords, than in Scotland, we were almost devoured by their affection, in getting out of the coach: My father had always been their favourite, and now that he appeared their master, after being thought dead so long, their joy broke out into a thousand extravagancies: When we got into the court-yard, we were surrounded by a vast number, who crowded together so closely to see us, that several were in danger of being squeezed to death; those who were near Don Rodriguez fell upon their knees, and kissed his hand, o
the hem of his garment, praying aloud for long life and prosperity to him; others approached Narcissa and me in the same manner; while the rest clapped their hands at a distance, and invoked heaven to shower its choicest blessings on our heads!—In short, the whole scene, though rude, was so affecting, that the gentle partner of my heart wept over it, and my father himself could not refrain from dropping a tear.
Having welcomed his daughter and me to his house, he ordered some bullocks to be killed, and some hogsheads of ale to be brought from the neighbouring village, to regale those honest people, who had not enjoyed such a holiday for many years before.
Next day we were visited by the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, most of them our relations, one of whom brought along with him my cousin, the fox-hunter, who had staid at his house, since he was obliged to leave his own: My father was generous enough to receive him kindly, and even promise to purchase for him a commission in the army, at which he expressed great thankfulness and joy:
My charming Narcissa was universally admired and loved for her beauty, affability and good sense; and so well pleased with the situation of the place, and the company around, that she has not, as yet, discovered the least desire of changing her habitation.
We had not been many days settled, when I prevailed upon my father to pay a visit to the village where I had been at school. Here we were received by the principal inhabitants, who entertained us in the church, where Mr. Syntax the schoolmaster (my tyrant being dead) pronounced a Latin speech in honour of our family: And none exerted themselves more than Strap's father and relations, who looked upon the honest valet as the first gentleman of their race, and honoured his benefactors accordingly.—Having received the homage of this place, we retired, leaving forty pounds for the benefit of the poor of the parish; and that very night, Strap being a little elevated with the regard that had been shewn to him, and to me on his account, ventured to tell me, that he had a sneaking kindness for Miss Williams, and that if his lady and I would use our interest in his behalf, he did not doubt that she would listen to his addresses. Surprized at this proposal, I asked if he knew the story of that unfortunate young gentlewoman: Upon which, he replied,
"Yes, yes, I know what you mean—she has been unhappy, I grant you—but what of that? I am convinced of her reformation; or else you and my good lady would not treat her with such respect.—As for the censure of the world, I value it not a fig's end—besides, the world knows nothing of the matter."
I commended his philosophy, and interested Narcissa in his cause; who interceded so effectually, that in a little time, Miss Williams, yielded her consent, and they were married with the approbation of Don Rodriguez, who gave him five hundred pounds to stock a farm, and made him overseer of his estate. My generous bedfellow gave her maid the same sum; so that they live in great peace and plenty within half a mile of us, and daily put up prayers for our preservation.
If there be such a thing as true happiness on earth, I enjoy it.—The impetuous transports of my passion are now settled and mellowed into endearing fondness and tranquillity of love, rooted by that intimate connexion and interchange of hearts, which nought but virtuous wedlock can produce.—Fortune seems determined to make ample amends for her former cruelty; for my proctor writes, that notwithstanding the clause in my father-in-law's will, on which the Squire founds his claim, I shall certainly
over my wife's fortune, in consequence of a codicil annexed, which explains that clause, and limits her restriction to the age of nineteen, after which she was at her own disposal.—I would have set out for London immediately after receiving this piece of intelligence, but my dear angel has been qualmish of late, and begins to grow remarkably round in the waist; so that I cannot leave her in such an interesting situation, which I hope will produce something to crown my felicity.
FINIS.