THE FARCE OF THE MODERN ANTIQUES, OR THE MERRY MOURNERS.
IN TWO ACTS.
AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE-ROYAL,
SMOKE-ALLEY.
M,DCC,XCII.
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
MEN.
Mr Cockletop,
Mr QUICK,
Frank,
MR MUNDEN,
Joey,
Mr BLANCHARD,
Napkin,
Mr WILSON,
Hearty,
Mr POWEL,
Thomas,
Mr THOMPSON.
WOMEN.
Mrs Cockletop,
Mrs MATTOCKS,
Mrs Camomile,
Miss CHAPMAN,
Belinda,
Mrs HARLOWE,
Nan,
Mrs CROSS,
Flounce,
Mrs ROCK,
Betty,
Miss BRANGIN,
MODERN ANTIQUES, OR THE MERRY MOURNERS.
ACT I.
SCENE.—MRS CAMOMILE'S
House.
Enter
MRS CAMOMILE
and
BETTY.
BETTY, any body here since?
No madam, but here's a strange servant.
Mrs Cockletop desired me, as I pass'd along Charing-Cross; to enquire for one for her, at the Register-Office, and this is he, I suppose, ha, ha, ha, she's
too
fine a lady, to look after these things herself.
Walk up young man.
Exit.
Enter
JOEY.
Servant.
(nods.)
Quite a rustic! how long have you been in town?
Our town?
London.
I thought as how you meant our town, I com'd from Yorksop, in the county of Norfolk, to get a place.
Your name?
What of it?
What is it?
Oh! my name is Joey; but volks call'd me Mr Joey all the way up; that I com'd upon the coach roof, for as it's near Christmas time; all the inside passengers were turkeys. I quitted-our-village in a huff, with one Nan Hawthorn, my sweet-heart; cause why, she got jealous, and sawcy given.
The wages, this lady gives to her▪ foot-boy, are eight guineas a year.
Guineas! that won't do, I must have eight pounds.
Well, if you insist upon eight pounds, ha, ha, ha.
Oh! I'm hired.
(lays his hat and stick upon the table.)
You can give, and take a message.
Yes sure.
(a loud knocking without.)
Then, let's see, run.
Where?
To the door, you blockhead.
(goes to the door, and stands)
Well, I be's at the door, what now?
The deuce! open the street door.
(going)
Oh! here comes a lady.
Enter
BELINDA,
in a riding dress.
My dear Belinda! come up (
to
Joey) when you hear the bell.
These gentle volks don't mind what trouble they give a poor zarvant man.
Exit
Joey.
My dear friend, I've quitted Southampton boarding school without leave; though.
(Lays her hat on the table.)
My sweet girl! I'm very glad to see you, but is this a prudent step?
To be sure, when I was kept there; so long against my will, by my aunt.
Ah, Belinda! confess the truth, wasn't it to see your uncle's nephew, Frank, that you've scamper'd up to town?
Ha, ha, ha, 'pon my honour you're a witch; but suppose so, why not? you and I were school-fellows t'other day, yet here you're married; a propos, how is your dear husband?
The Doctor is well.
You're already happy with the man you love, while I'm kept at a boarding-school, when I'm able to teach my dancing-master.
Why then my dear Belinda, since your last letter, I've been planning schemes how to make you happy with the man you love.
My good creature, do tell me.
You know if your uncle, Mr Cockletop's tooth but aches, he fancies he'll die directly, if he hasn't my husband Doctor Camomile's advice, he's the grand oracle of his health, the barometer, and thermometer of his animal system; now as the Doctor is at Winchester, on a visit to some of his old College chums, and won't leave his good orthodox bottle of old port, to visit him here in London; he shall visit the Doctor at Winchester; if we can but get your uncle to leave town, on that hangs my grand scheme for the establishment of you and Frank; your aunt's maid, Mrs Flounce, and Mr Napkin the butler are my confederates.
Oh charming! but I must know it though.
Enter
JOEY,
stands some time mute.
Well?
And well?
I'm com'd up, as you bid me.
But you shou'dn't have come, 'till you had heard the bell.
And wounds, it's ringing yonder, hard enough to pull church steeple down.
Ha, ha, ha!
Joey, carry those to your master.
(
gives him a basket of plants
)
Plants and Simples, cull'd for him, by the Doctor.—Your uncle will now be a botanist, as well as an antiquarian.
Ha, ha, ha! but my aunt's new fangled rage for private theatricals, are to the full as unacountably ridiculous, as my crazy uncle's passion for musty antiquities.
Come be chearful my sweet Belinda, for I'm going there directly, on your affairs.
My kind friend!
Call a coach
(
to
Joey,
who takes up his stick, and puts on
Belinda's
hat.
)
Ha, ha, ha! why you've put on the Lady's hat.
(
Takes off the hat and compares it with his own.
)
Ecod one would think the Lady had put on mine.
Exeunt
Mrs Camomile,
and
Belinda.
(
Laying hold of the basket.
)
Your London Ladies are so
manified,
with their Switch Rattans, and their coats and waistcoats, and their tip-top hats, and their cauliflower cravats; that ecod, I shall be in London a long time before I know a man from a woman.(
Takes up the basket, and Exit.
)
SCENE.—MRS COCKLETOP'S
Dressing Room,
MRS COCKLETOP
discover'd dressing,
FLOUNCE
attending.
What a strange incident, my marrying this old Mr Cockletop; 'pon my honour, was I single, I'd have the most beautiful Theatre in my house, and his nephew Frank, shou'd be the Manager, of late he looks at me in a very particular manner; I can scarce think it possible for these features, to strike any body with admiration.
Ma'am those features must strike every body with admiration.
you flatter 'em.
Not in the least ma'am—but what signifies your beauty, or my skill in setting it off, my master since he's turn'd his brain—
Aye, since my husband has turn'd Antiquarian—
With his curiosities, foreign cockleshells, mouldy farthings, and all his old fashioned trumperies,—I dare say, he'd sell you for the wing of a butterfly.
Flounce; I'll take you to see
Lear,
to-morrow night at Lord Rantum's private Theatre.
Thank'ee ma'am; but Miss Toepit's maid told me all of them, except your Ladyship, made a strange piece of bungling work of their play there last Wednesday.
Work! Oh heavens, if Shakespeare cou'd have taken a peep at them, ha, ha, ha! Romeo and Juliet the play; the hero, on breaking open the tomb, totally forgot what he had to say next; in vain, the prompter whispers the word; poor Juliet might have remained in Capulet's Monument, 'till Doomsday; at length impatient; (for it grew monstrous cold) I softly bid him speak; why don't you speak?
He,
taking it, for what he should say, with all the fervor of distractted love, burst out "speak, speak, why don't you speak." Ha, ha, ha!
Enter
JOEY,
with a basket, which he throws on the Toilette.
My first piece of service in my new place.
Exit
Joey.
Ah! (
screams.
)
Enter
MR COCKLETOP,
with a scroll of Parchment.
(
angrily.
) Astonishing, Mr Cockletop, you won't even let me have my dressing room to myself.
Oh Mrs Cockletop, what a prize! I have bought one of the long books of Livy, a manuscript so capitally illegible, that no man on the globe can distinguish or read a letter of it; let's see, what change he has given me. (
reckons money.
)
Full of snails.
(
To the plants flinging them off the table, knocks the money out of
Cockletop's
hand, and Exit.
)
The botanical plants from Doctor Camomile, carefully pick 'em up, every leaf has the virtue—
Enter
FRANK,
in a riding dress.
Will they heal my wounded pocket?
(
picks up the money.
)
(
takes the money from him.
)
Eh! what you lizard! the valuable simples.
Do my dear, let poor Frank have a little money, give him a few guineas.
Aye Sir, a few guineas cou'd never come in better time, as I'm just whip and spur, you see? hey, spank to Southampton.
(
alarmed
)
Pray Frank, what business have you there?
What! but to see, my lovely cousin.
(
putting up the money.
)
Eh!
Oh! is that your business.
May be you like—
Aye, do you admire my niece?
Admire! I love her to distraction.
the sweet girl doat on myself
(aside)
get out of my sight you Locust.
Love her! after all my fond hints to him
(aside)
pray sir, give me leave to express my obligations to you, when I was rehearsing Imogen with you t'other night, and was to have fainted in your arms—
Aye, you villain, you stepp'd aside, and let my dear wife tumble backwards, and knock her fine head against the brass fender—take a double hop out of your two boots, you jackdaw, how dare you stand before me with your horse-whip in your hand?
Enter
FLOUNCE.
Ma'am, Mrs Camomile.
Sir, command your nephew to think no more of my niece; love another, you Amateur; stand from the entrance.
Exit
Mrs Cockletop
in a passion,
Flounce
following.
Why, my dear uncle, you are really a good natured old lad, but for this nonsensical passion for antiquities, in which you have no more judgment than my boot.
What's that?
Didn't you give twenty pounds for the first plate ever Hogarth engrav'd; though 'twas only a porter pot from the barley mow?
No.
Didn't you throw a lobster in the fire, swearing it was a salamander?
Yes, but that was when I was sick. In bodily health my mind is bright and polish'd; but you most audacious dromedary! traduce my skill in antiquities!—Hark'ee, when you can prove to me, that it's possible I can be imposed on in antiques, that is when I am in bodily health, I consent to give you Belinda; here's my hand on't. Begone, your face is as odious to me as a new copper halfpenny.
Exit.
Enter
HEARTY. (
Calls after
Mr Cockletop.)
Sir here's the receipt.
Ah Hearty! you're my uncle's steward, receiver of his cash, and yet do tip me a few guineas; cheat him a little, my honest fellow.
Mustn't.
Plague of the money! I'm sure I want it; my friend Jack Frolic, the player frank'd me into Covent-Garden, sat down in the upper boxes, between Miss Trump, and Mrs Roll about, when the curs'd orange woman thrust in her basket, with. "sweet gentleman treat the ladies," I was obliged to clap my hand
on
my pocket, say my purse gone 'pon my honour; no entering a public place for the light finger'd gentry; so the ladies treated the sweet gentleman; coming home yesterday, caught in a soaking shower; "your honour; coach unhir'd," in I jumps, not recollecting his dismal honour hadn't a shilling to pay for't; so as the fellow clapt to one door, out I pops at t'other, but then I got mobb'd by the watermen, and broke my nose over a post running away from the link loy.
Why Frank, I'll lend you my own money with all my heart.
No, before I strip you of what you may yet want to cherish your old age, I'll perish; yet this is my Belinda's birth day, by heavens, I will wish, aye, and give her joy, though I foot it every mile to Southampton, and dine on water-cresses, by the ditch-side.
Exit
Frank.
Spirited lad! I hope by means of this letter, I shall be able to serve him. I'll sell my old master the small collection of odd sort of rarities
Ive
made him, but as his knowing them to be mine may lessen their value in his opinion; this letter rouses his desire to buy them; then if I can but make him believe they are from Italy, or Herculaneum, or—
(
Enter
Joey
in a livery.
)
You're the new footmen?
Yes, I be's, I've put on my livery.
Here's a letter for your master, give it to him directly.
—
(Gives the letter and exit.)
So I must give this letter too; Ecod! they're resolved in London to keep no cats that wont catch mice.
Enter
NAN
with a sweeping brush.
(singing as she, enters)
"A service in London is no such disgrace."
(begins to sweep.)
Isn't that?
Why Joey.
(surpriz'd.)
Nan! how glad I be's to see thee.
(kisses her.)
But what brings you here, and this fine laced coat?
Why I be fix'd here, for a zarvant man.
Zure! lard how comicle! and I hired here to day as maid.
Hills and mountains will meet. O dear—O—dear!
I'm now sent in here by Mrs Flounce, to do up lady's dressing room, that it seems some clumsy booby has thrown leaves about'n.
I'm not a booby Nan; I find you're as saucy tongued as ever.
O la! was it you Joey! I ax pardon.
'Twas all along of your crossness, I com'd up to London.
And 'twas your false heartedness drove me to seek my bread here.
Well, since good luck has brought us into one house—we'll never quarrel, nor be unkind any more.
Nor I never more will be jealous. —O ho! you've had this letter from Poll Primrose; oh! you deceitful!
(snatches the letter from Joey, and break's it open.)
The devil! a'dy'e see, what you've done now, this letter was for measter—if I hav'n't a mind.—
"Sir, encouraged!" why Joey don't be angry, the first letter I ever get for my lady, you shall open for me, that you shall.
Exit
Nan,
singing,
"Better my fortune as other girls do!
(Solus)
Ecod!, you've spoil'd my fortune! what will become of me? before I've time enough to be set down
in
my place, I shall be kick'd out on't.
Enter
FRANK.
Where's Hearty?
(Joey
gives him a letter, he looks at it.
)
For my uncle, how came it open?
It's open'd.
Why if it's you that—do you know that opening another man's letter is transportation.
Is it? then ecod I'll take the blame upon myself, rather than Nan should go to Botany Bay,
(aside)
'twas I broke it open Sir—but I meant only to—to break it open—all accident.
(Reads letter)
"Sir, Encouraged by your character, I shall to morrow in person offer you for sale some
Antique
Rarities!" this promises something,
(aside)
well my lad, keep your own secret, and I'll bring you out of this curs'd scrape.
Do Sir.
Any wafers here?
I believe there's some in that box; but I'll get you a
haperth.
My old conceited uncle has engaged to give me Belinda, when I can prove that its possible to impose on him in Antiquities. This may do it, and bring me a convenient sum besides, for with all the ridiculous enthusiasm of a virtuoso, my uncle has small reading, no taste, but has a plentiful stock of credulity.
(wafers the letter.)
Why I could have done that myself.
There' you dog, stand to it stoutly
(
gives
Joey
the letter
)
that's the very one you received.
A thousand thanks, kind Sir,
(going)
But I shall want a disguise;
(aside)
harkyee, you've put on your new livery since you came, where are your own cloaths?
In the butler's pantry, for you must know, Sir, when I com'd I was waundy hungry, so I went there to get a snack.
Quick, go give the letter.
Yes, Sir.
Exit
Joey.
(solus)
Ha, ha, ha! yes, uncle, if you have cash to buy Antiquities, I'm a stupid fellow indeed, if I can't find some to sell you, and if I succeed; hey to Southampton with the triumphant news to Belinda.
Exit
Frank.
SCENE.—COCKLETOP'S
Study.
Enter
COCKLETOP
with spectacles on, reading letter,
JOEY
following.
That's the very letter, I was desired to give it you, I assure you, Sir, it was not open'd.
The things this learned man mentions here are really very curious.
Sir, here be Mr Napkin, the butler, coming.
Enter
Napkin.
Sir, a man wants you
there below.
Then Sir, do you send him up
here above.
(
to
Joey)
Eh! what are you idling here? come, come, I'll shew you the business of a footman, you must toast the muffins for mine and Mrs Flounce's breakfast.
I will Sir, and broil a beef-stake for my own,
Exit
Napkin, Joey
following.
(solus)
Only that my brain is for ever running on my wife's charming niece Belinda; (oh! how I do love her: I love every thing old, but girls, and guineas;) I should certainly be second a Sir Hans Sloane— I'd be a
Solander,
and a Monmouth Geoffry.—Now, who's this?
Enter
FRANK,
disguised in
Joey's
first cloths with a small hamper on his shoulders.
If my uncle knows me
now,
he must have good spectacles.
(aside)
Measter told me, as he told you in a letter, he'd call on you to-morrow with some rarities.
Oh, then you belong to the gentleman who sent me this letter, where does your matter live?
At Brentford, but I be's from Taunton Dean, and as I was coming to Town to day, he thought I might as well drop them here; if you'll buy them, these be they.
Oh! what he's sent you, with the things that are mentioned here
(pointing to the letter.)
I warrant 'em all waundy rich; he gave me such strict charge about'n.
Rich! ah, these fordid souls can't conceive that the most extreme delight to the eye of an antiquarian is beautiful brown rust, and heavenly green verdigrease. Let's see,
(reads)
the first is a Neptune's trident from the barbarian gallery.
That's it—
(gives, a toasting fork.)
(reads.)
One of Niobe's tears, preserv'd in spirits.
That—
(gives a phial)
Curious! a piece of houshold furniture from the ruins of Herculaneum, comprizing the genuine section of the Escurial, Precious indeed!
(aside)
section of the Escurial; aye then, it must be in the shape of—
That's it —
(gives an old griditon.)
(reading)
"The cap of William Tell, the celebrated Swiss patriot, worn when he shot the apple off his son's head.
I've forgot to bring any thing even like that, what shall I do
(aside)
I warrant it's here Sir.
I hope it is, for I will not buy one without all.
Then all you shall have,
(aside) Pretends to look in the hamper, but picks up
Cockletop's
hat, and with a penknife) cuts out the brim.
"That's it may hap?"
Great! this is indeed, what the Romans call'd the Pi-leus, or Cap of Liberty:
puts it on his had and reads;
" half a yard of cloth from Otahiete, being a part of the mantle of Queen Oberea, presented by her to Captain Cook."
Zounds, I was in such a hurry to get to work, that I've forgot half my tools.
Where's the cloth from Otahiete?
I dare say it's here,
(feels the coat he has on)
no, mustn't hurt poor Joey. Eh!
(
cuts of the skirt of
Cockletop's
coat while he's admiring the things
)
belike that's it,—
(gives it.)
What wonderful soft texture; we've no such cloath in England, this must have been the fleece of a very fine sheep.
Aye, taken from the back of an old stupid ram.
Speak of what you understand you clown, much talk may betray little knowledge. Cut your coat according to your cloath.
Yes, Sir, I cut your coat according to your cloth. I must fix him in his opinion now, with a little finesse,
(aside.)
Measter do expect fifty pounds for this balderdash.
Here's the money.
No, if he even thought you such a fool to give it, he must be a rogue to take it, but he shan't make me a party. I'll let him know, I'm an honest man; damm'e if I don't throw them in the kennel, and quit his service—
(going to take them.)
(bastily)
Leave them there, and take the money to your master, or I'll make him send you to the devil, you thick scull'd buffalo.
Not a penny of it will I touch.
Here my good fellow; here's a guinea for yourself; there.—
(gives money.)
Thank you, Sir; though I do think you're an old fool, and that you're most confoundedly humm'd.
Old fool! get you out of my house you scoundrel, or I'll—
(takes up a blunderbuss,)
blow you to Taunton Dean you dog, I will.
(Frank runs off.)
Enter Mrs COCKLETOP and MRS CAMOMILE,
they both scream.
Heavens! Mr Cockletop, will you kill us?
Lord! what's on your head?
The cap of liberty; oh the super-beautiful purchase I have just made; such a charming addition to my little curious collection; Mis Camomile you've taste, I'll give you a treat.—I'll shew her all,
(aside.)
(looking at the things)
Heavens! who has done this!
Pliny the elder.
Enter
FLOUNCE.
Here take these, and fling them—
Lay your fingers on them, and I'll—Strabo, Campden— and Bishop Pocock— madam you shou'd,
(
to
Mrs Camomile)
that is you—you do know— you're a Dilitnete. I say you are a celebrated Dili— and—now what a fine discourse an F. R. S. would make on these, madam, I say.
Bless me! who has trimm'd you thus?
Sir Ashton Lever, I wish your husband Doctor Camomile was in town; I've here
such a feast,
for the venerable
Bede.
Travellers, come, and lay at my feet, the wonderful fruits of their wise researches. A wake!—prepare your understanding, here's a tear of—the devil, I forgot who cried this tear
(aside.)
Hem! it's a precious drop preserv'd in spirits.
Ha, ha, ha!
Get along you most scandalous tongued, I desire Mrs Cockletop you'll order your slip-slop out of the museum, then, here is a most valuable—
(takes up the toasting fork.)
Enter JOEY.
Here, I'm sent to broil beef-stakes, and toast muffins, the cock said Mr Frank took, and brought out of the kitchen the—
They all cost me only fifty pounds; this is a Neptune's trident, and this piece of furniture from Herculaneum, the model of the Escurial, built in honour of St Lawrence who was broil'd on—
Thanke'e, Sir; I was looking for the toasting fork, and gridiron.
takes them and exit.
Ha, ha, ha!
What is that?
Why Mr Cockletop what have you been about here?
Only look.
I believe I'm bit. Taunton Dean, he was a a rogue,
(looks at his coat and hat)
Is my face genuine?
Why 'tis an antique; but indeed my dear, you don't look well.
Don't I?
This may help my scheme, to get him out of town
(aside)
my dear Sir, I wou'd, not shock you' but you look—
Do I?
My husband, the Doctor, often told me, that your
bodily
illness always had an effect upon your mind.
No man living understands my constitution, but Doctor Camomile; I must be
(feeling his pulse)
phlebotomiz'd.
When a gentleman of your knowledge is so grossly dup'd, it's a certain sign—
It is, that I'm ill, or I never cou'd have been taken in.
Lud, I wish your husband, the Doctor, was in town.
I advise Mr Cockletop to go to him to Winchester.
Here
Napkin, order horses too: Your poor master will go to the Doctor at Winchester.
Enter
Napkin.
Aye, aye, to the Doctor,— to Winchester.
Exeunt
Mr
and
Mrs Cockletop.
Napkin, ha, ha, ha! here's an opportunity for our plan; you know, as we've all without success repeatedly endeavoured to persuade the old couple, to settle some provision on their neice and nephew Frank and Belinda.
Aye, we must try stratagem.
The excuse your mistress gives is the chance of her having children of her own, whom she can't wrong, by lavishing their patrimony on others.
Ha, ha, ha! then to put her out of all hopes of that, as you have settled, we'll make her believe my master's dead, and as I am now going into the country with him, leave that to me.
I fancy 'twill be easy, as she already thinks him ill—
And weak; heard him threaten to climb up the mouldering walls of Nettleston Abbey in search of a sprig of ivy, or an owl's nest, and if I can't invent a story to bring the old gentleman tumbling down—
Ha, ha, ha! and make your mistress the mourning widow, establish the dear, amiable young couple, well and happy.
'Twill be an excellent joke to laugh at over their wedding supper, but I must prepare for the journey.
And I, home, to comfort poor Belinda, only do you act your part, most dolefully natural, and we must prosper.
Exeunt,
End of Act First.
Act II.
SCENE.—MRS CAMOMILE's
House.
Enter
FRANK
in high spirits, and
JOEY.
HOLLO! Mrs Camomile! here's a nick, ha, ha, ha! honest fellow; my horse is at the livery stables t'other side of Westminster bridge, you'd best step on before me, have him out ready, you'll not have a moment to lose
(
Exit
Joey)
ha, ha, ha! well my mock curiosities may. have a better effect, on my uncle than Hearty's real ones; if they can help to cure him of an absurd whim, that makes him the dupe of imposters, siinging his money after things of no utility
(looks at his watch)
getting late, I'd like to see if Mrs Camomile has any commands for her friend Belinda,
(
Enter
Belinda)
then hey for my divine Belinda.
Pray Sir, whither in such a monstrous hurry.
My love, in the name of miracles how did you get here?
You know we've the best friend in the world, in dear Mrs Camomile, the mistress of this house.
Enter
MRS CAMOMILE.
Come, come, you happy pair of turtles— this room is the stage for a little comedy I'm to act with your aunt, of which I hope your union will prove the denouement.
Enter
FLOUNCE.
Madam, my mistress is just drove up to the door.
Oh heavens! if she finds that I have run to town,
(going.)
Stop, she'll meet you on the stairs.
This way, Frank—when my aunt comes in here, we'll slip down.
But Belinda, you'll tell Frank what we're both at, and trip directly home, and you, and all the servants on with your sables.
Sables! what, to celebrate my true-love's birth-day, no, now that my crusty uncle's out of town, and I have cash, I'll have such a roaring entertainment at home—Tol—derol lol.
(sings.)
Will you hold your tongue, and come along.
(pulls him.) Exit
Belinda
and
Frank.
If my little plot on their aunt but prospers —Flounce, run and desire Napkin to con over the lesson I taught him, and look as dismal as an executor left without a legacy.
And Madam, I'll bid him keep his handkerchief to his eyes for fear an unfortunate laugh should come on his face, and spoil all—Here's my mistress, madam, I wish you success.
Exit
Flounce.
Enter
Mrs COCKLETOP,
elegantly dressed.
Oh Mrs Camomile!
Well, how do you do?
Our house seems so melancholy since my poor dear man has left town, that now I can't bear to stay at home.
(aside)
And when he was at home, you was always gadding.
I forgot to shew you my dress, had it made up for Cordelia, in our intended play at Mr Pathos's; as you were not there, I put it on to consult your taste.
Oh my dear creature, I forgot to thank you for my ticket, but excuse me, that an engagement—
Ha, ha, ha! You had no loss, for our tragedy was converted into a ball.—Lear you know was our play—which we got up with every care and elegance; Well, Ma'am, Colonel Toper, who was to have play'd Gloster, having conquer'd too many bottles of Burgundy after dinner,
(mimicks)
"No, damme, I be for none of your stage—I'll sit in the side boxes among the ladies, begin your play by yourselves."—So says my Lord Brainless, I'll make an apology, and I'll—"Ladies and Gentlemen, Colonel Toper having been taken suddenly ill, hopes for your usual indulgence to accept a dance instead of the tragedy."—The fiddles struck up Mrs Casey, and audience and actors join'd in a country dance—'Pon my honour, tho' I laugh I am exceedingly melancholy.
You've nothing to make you uneasy; you are sure, that with my husband. Doctor Camomile, Mr Cockletop is in safe hands.
Well, Mrs Camomile it astonishes me how you can be cheerful while your husband's absent; but indeed it's rather unfortunate when people are found with hearts of more sensibility than others.
Enter
BETTY.
Why, Ma'am, here's Mr Napkin just come below.
But is his matter return'd too ?
Well, if he is not, why should that alarm you?
Then perhaps Napkin has brought word, where is he? why don't he come up—Napkin—
(call's)
Torture me with suspence—Oh Lord Mrs Camomile if any thing's the matter, I shall die.
(agitated.)
Enter
NAPKIN,
much splash'd, in a large Travelling Dress, and seemingly fatigued.
My dear good master.
(crying.)
My husband—Oh Lord! speak, pray speak.
Madam, will you have him brought up to town, or shall he be buried in the country?
(weeps)
Dead!
I wish, Henry the Eighth had levell'd Nettleston Abbey, my sweet master's thirst of knowledge-such a height—top of the old spire—his head giddy— feeble limbs—stretching too far, a stone giving way —though I caught him by the heel—head foremost— corner of a tombstone—dash—Oh!
Weeps and Exit.
My fears are true—I faint—I die—please to reach that chair.
(Mrs Camomile
places a chair;
Mrs Cockletop
deliberately wipes it with her handkerchief, seats herself— takes out a smelling bottle, applies it, and affects to swoon.
)
Nay, nay, my dear friend, pray be comforted.
(recovering.)
Comforted, did you say? how is that possible, my dear Mrs Camomile, when I've heard you yourself remark that mourning don't become me —though if I was to dress like Almeria in the Mourning Bride—
To confess the truth, I was afraid to tell you, but I before knew of this melancholy event, and there that foolish boy your nephew Frank, through his zealous respect for the memory of his uncle, has, contrary to all custom and decorum, already ordered the whole family to put on the black clothes that were only t'other day laid by when the mourning for your brother-in-law expir'd.
Madam, you're very obliging.
I see his loss bears hard upon your mind, therefore it mayn't be proper so soon troubling you with worldly affairs—but now my dear, you'll have no children of your own, indeed you should think of some establishment for your niece Belinda.
I'll first establish my husband's nephew Frank, merely to shew I prefer my dear man's relations to my own.
This will answer the same purpose, as Frank marries Belinda,
(aside.)
—Well shall I tell the lad your good intentions towards him?
You're very good, I'll tell him myself— but I'll first consult you my good friend on the thoughts I have in my mind how to make him happy, but in my interview with the boy I wouldn't have any body else by; the hour of sorrow's sacred, it's a cruel world, and people luxurious, sensual, gay, and fortunate, have no feeling for the disconsolate, widow.
My dear creature endeavour to keep up your spirits.
Ah friend, what should a poor woman do that has lost so good a husband, but try to—get a better.
(aside.) Exeunt.
SCENE.—COCKLETOP'S
House.
Enter
FRANK,
elevated with wine, and
BELINDA,
both in mourning—and
NAN.
Ha, ha, ha! this is the most whimsical thought of your friend Mrs Camomile.
Isn't it charming?
Your aunt, and indeed the whole family, except Mrs Flounce, actually believe, that my uncle's dead; this is your natal day, the birth of beauty; I'll give an entertainment upon my soul, ha, ha, ha! pert Mrs Flounce says, Oh, Sir; I Can't run any bills with the trades people—but dem bills and credit, while we've money—my uncle's curiosity guineas shall fly— Illuminate the rooms, brilliant lustres, gerandoles and chandeliers.
Yes sir! la! how where's Joey to do all this? Mr John, light the clusters, jeridoles, and chanticleers.
(calls of.)
Lord Frank what's come to you?
Money and long separated friends have a joyful meeting—prepare the saloon-bell, we will have a ball.
Air the balloon, for master's going to play ball.
And lay supper, then let Napkin send for a pipe and tabor for a dance we must have, tol, lol, lol.
But indeed now this is extravagance.
Can't I afford a little extravagance? an't my kind aunt to give me my uncle's cash, then my Belinda you and I go to church, and Hymen in his saffron robes shall lead us to the rosy bower.
For Heavens sake Frank, a little decency before the servants, how unfeeling they must think you.
I'll shew you the feeling of servants for such a master.
Enter
THOMAS
and two maids in mourning.
Harkee! Tom, the coachman, you know your master's no more.
Aye, Sir, death has whip'd his horses to their journey's end, to our great sorrow.
Poor Tom! I'm told you're so griev'd, you have sworn never to touch a drop of punch as long as you live.
Me! I'll be damn'd if I ever swore any such thing.
Ha, ha, ha! a jovial bout the servants shall have. Fly, and every one bring in his hand something toward the good cheer of the night.
Exeunt.
SCENE.—
A Saloon illuminated, table and cloth laid. Enter
COCKLETOP
in a storm cap.
All my doors open, this blowy night reminds me of Lisbon earthquake, but my storm cap has protected me, —odd my not finding Belinda at Southampton—I wish I had come into town over London-bridge; that now is a sort of young ruin—but then over Westminster-Bridge, to see my man Joey; mounted like the emperor of Morocco's blackamoor—I'm not sorry Napkin left me, nobody knows now I've been after my sweet Belinda—how glad my loving wife will be when she finds I am come home and well—
(looks out.)
Eh, my dearee has company—this don't speak much feeling for my illness.
Enter
THOMAS
with plates, not perceiving him.
While Napkin is uncorking the wine, I'll see if I can't spread a table cloth as well as a hammer cloth.
(Lays plates.)
I wonder who drives my old master now in t'other world?—does he go up or down hill?
Eh! now who has put Thomas my coachman into mourning?—As I left you a pied zebra, why do I find you a black bear?
(strikes him with a cane.)
Gee up!
(suddenly turning, is terrify'd and sneaks off.)
What's all this about?
Enter
NAN
with sallad, places it on table, then plucks a bit.
I love's beet-root—
(puts it to her mouth)
Yes, and so do I— Tell me young woman, for whom are you in mourning.
Exit
Nan
screaming.
Haven't, I mistook the house? I believe I'm at next door.
Enter
NAPKIN
and
FLOUNCE.
Ha, ha, ha! Flounce if you had seen how capitally doleful I play'd my part.
None of your dolefuls now master's out of town, Mistress safe at Mrs Camomile's, the house to ourselves and the young pair—since Mr Frank will treat us to a little hop.
Aye Flounce, for music you know, Im no bad scraper.
No, Napkin, nothing gives so much spirit to a dance as a pipe and tabor—so send out and see if one can be had.
Enter two Maid and Foctmen, with a violin.
My fiddle John.
(takes it)
Now listen Flounce for our country dance; only mind the violin, why I'll Lift up Ja
ky Bull sprightly enough to move the dead, aye, even to make our old master caper about.—
(
plays—Servants join the dance, in the midst of which
Cockletop
comes dancing before them, they scream and run off
frighten'd, except
Napkin.)
So my good friend, I bring you into the country, you leave me sick, sneak away, and here I find you like N
ro at Rome, rasping your Cremona, explain what brings you all in black—if any body's deceas'd, why do you celebrate the funeral rites with feasting and fiddling; and if no body's dead, why change my dovehouse into a rookery.
(Napkin
puts a handkerchief to his eyes.
)
Oh then there is somebody! who is it? Eh, tell me! Vexation, an't I to know? Sblood, are people to die in my house, and the master not to be told?
What, or who shall I say?
(aside)
What am I to think of all this?
Why Sir, from seeing us all in black—you're to think—that—that—
What?
That we're in mourning.
But for whom? it can't be my friend Mrs Camomile, or my nephew Frank? oh Lord, if it should be Miss Belinda—no, no, they wou'dn't fiddle and dance for them—now there is one belov'd person that I don't care a farthing for
(aside)
—yet I left her so well—I see they are afraid to shock me— Napkin is it—is it—
Napkin
shakes head and exits slowly.
It is—my—wi—wi—wife—'tis so, his silence is a funeral oration.
(capers about.)
Enter
JOEY
shivering as if cold.
Oh, ho? it be a bitter sharp night, my hands are stone.
Are you petrified, I wish you were; I'd put you in a case.
But, Sir, here we come home, and find all our servants in mourning, and when I ask for whom, they shake their heads and walk away.
Joey, its for—for your mistress.
My Lady dead! I believe I ought to cry
(aside)
—
(Lifts up the skirt of his coat.)
The gentle friend and companion of my youth.
(weeps)
Yes, I should cry.
(aside.)
Oh!
(cries.)
The best of wives—
(sorrowful)
The kindest mistress,
(imitating)
Yet my servants' rejoicing shews how ill she was beloved.
Yes Sir, I said to myself when I com'd, Joey, said I, you have got a good master, but a bad mistress.
Stay, I'm releas'd from her extravagant vagaries, why she'd give as much for a little toilette patch box as would purchase the black letter palace of pleasure —her week's hair dressing would buy me Colly Cibber's, Foppington wig—then her temper.
She was a wixen devil.
With her lace cap and her fripperies,—her private plays, with her denouement and catastrophe.
If I didn't suspect she play'd in private with that Mr Denoumong behind the tapestry.
I've no right to be so sad.
Yes, Sir, we man be glad, ha, ha, ha, ha! he, he, he!
The funeral over—I'll do what I've long wished, convert her dressing room into my museum—the room has an easter prospect—the windows face Athens—though disgraced now by cockspur Persumery, and Fleet-street japannery—I'll remove her things out of it.
Kick them down stairs, an't you man of the house?
I am! you're but a boy—but I see you've spirit—follow me to her dressing-room.
Yes, Sir.—Hem!
Exeunt.
Enter
Mrs COCKLETOP
and
NAN
in mourning.
Every room, every article of furniture only reminds me of my dear man—my belov'd Frank's ill tim'd mirth don't correspond with his haste in getting Every body into mourning, but indeed my poor husband was never an uncle
o him.
Oh madam, you look so well in your weeds.
Do I ?—though I revere the memory of my late husband, yet his ridiculous passion for shells, fossils, and antique nonsense was got to such an intolerable height—was determined on the first opportunity I'd fling all his rubbish out of the house, and now I'll do it, it's a good large room, and I think tastily
itted up will make me a most beautiful little theatre —the thought charms me, but alas my charmer is no more. I'll instantly go up, and throw all his old coppers and crocodiles out—his museum
(as he call'd it)
most horrid place, but I will have it clear'd out,
you come and help me.
Yes, an't please you.
Exeunt.
Enter
JOEY
with ban-boxes, and toilette furniture.
Ha, ha, ha! if our mistress could but pop her head out of her coffin and see what a fine rummage we have made among her falderals, trinketies, and ginglibobs
(reads the inscription of a bottle.)
A, by itself A-l-o-lo-t-i-ti-on, lotion for the face,
(drinks)
face! ecod I think it's a good notion for the stomach—the very thing I wanted to warm my gay little heart—they say what people set their hearts on in this world, runs so much in their heads, that even in t'other they can't rest if they should be disturbed—Maister says he'll give these to the flames— I'll ask him to give them to my flame pretty Nan—if she gets this here cap upon her
ate, and our lady mistress was to come stalking in with a candle in her dead hand.
Enter
MRS COCKLETOP
with a candle.
And then says Nan, with a trembling voice "Who's here" not pereciving her.
Don't be afraid Joey, its only me.
Mercy on us.
(trembling.)
Heavn's! who pulled my things about this way?
Now the devil was in our master, that he couldn't let'n bide.—I thought we should have her up
(aside.)
Who did it?
Will it quiet your poor soul?
(frightened.)
Bid Nan make haste down to me.
Down! then she's,
(points down,)
Ah, these London ladies lead tory rory lives,
(aside.)
Nan,
(calls.)
Don't hurt Nan—I'll go for a Parson.
Exit terrified.
Parson! then my intentions to marry Frank is already known among the servants—but I'll see how Flounce dare to let my room be ransack'd in this manner.
Exit in a passion.
SCENE.
—Changes to a dark Apartment.—A table covered with green cloth on.
Enter
JOEY
with a candle.
I've left the parson in the room—who's there? but he insists it be auld master that's dead—the good gentleman that just now with me for madam's death cried so fine, all alive and merry: but this stupid mister won't believe it, so if he meets her there, and
still disturbed about her rumplified caps, she'll gave it him for certain; I know nought where master's got to, and the servant's seem all to hide. Can't find Nan, I would we were both safe again in the country —Well, I've saved this drop of cordial—who's you? Heaven defend us she is come again—I have no hopes now but my bottle and this table.
(Puts out candle and gets under the table.)
Enter
MRS COCKLETOP.
Frank!
(calls)
this is the room I desired Mrs Camomile to bid him meet me in, and here he comes this way—Frank—
(calls in a low voice)
I'm glad there's no light though ; to discover my blushes at the open declaration I must make him.
Enter
COCKLETOP.
As dark as an Egyptian catacomb. Belinda venturing to town must be on the report of her aunt's death, and if Hearty has told her—I'll speak to her here.
Are you there ?
Yes, 'tis she. I wish we had a light—where are you, you little guinea pig?
Eh, my dear when I bury Mr Cockletop.
Bury me—
(aside.)
—When for you I'll make a mummy of Mrs Cockletop.
Angels and Ministers! it's the ghost of my deceas'd husband come to upbraid me —oh much wrong'd spouse!
Spouse! it's the spirit of my wife—Oh Lord! oh great injured goblin!
(falls on their knees at opposite sides.)
Oh here's the parson striving to lay my mistress—but shell surely tear his head off—it's my poor dear master—help, murder!
Enter
HEARTY
with candles
—MRS CAMOMILE
and
BELINDA.
Eh! what work's here?
My lady's ghost tearing old master to pieces.
(Rising in haste, oversets the table and runs off.)
Mr Cockletop alive!
My wife not dead.
Uncle, you promis'd that when proved to be deceived in Antiquities, Belinda should be mine,
(speaking in a feigned voice.)
Now zure besides the fifty pounds, give her to poor Taunton Dean.
Was't you? take her: I was a wise man till my brain got Love coddl'd—so my dear let's forgive Frank and Belinda, and forget our follies.
Come, come, let us transfer our passion for ancient virtue to the encouragement of Modern Genius.—Had not Rome, and Athens, cherish'd the arts of their times, they'd have left no antiquities for us to admire.
Why rake for gems in the ashes of the dead,
And see the living artest pine for bread.
Give,
While you live.
Heirs that find cash in corners,
Will at your Funeral, make Right Merry Mourners.
FINIS.