THE CONFESSIONS OF
JAMES BAPTISTE COUTEAU,
CITIZEN OF FRANCE.
VOL. I.
James Baptiste Couteau.
THE CONFESSIONS OF
JAMES BAPTISTE COUTEAU,
CITIZEN OF FRANCE,
WRITTEN BY HIMSELF:
AND TRANSLATED FROM THE ORIGINAL FRENCH,
By ROBERT JEPHSON, Esq.
ILLUSTRATED WITH NINE ENGRAVINGS.
—Usque adeo permiscuit imis
Longus summa dies.
LUCAN.
Falso Libertatis vocabulum obtendi ab iis, qui privatim degeneres, in publicum exitiosi, nihil spei nisi per discord
habeant.
TAC. AN. L. X
.
IN TWO VOLUMES
VOL. I.
LONDON: PRINTED FOR J. DEBRETT, PICCADILLY. 1794.
PREFACE.
RIDICULE we know has been too often applied with success to the perversion of serious things, and to the profanation of sacred: when it can be used with effect to render vice and depravity more detestable, it may be then considered as wearing its very best form. Many who are too volatile to attend to the force of a grave argument, or to feel the weight of serious deductions, are not incapable of relishing a jest; and it amounts to the same thing in the end, whether men are reasoned or laughed into philanthropy.
So many grave volumes have appeared upon the enormities of FRANCE, since the frenzy of Revolutions and Reformation seized upon that unhappy Country, that another sober dissertation would, perhaps, rather add one more to the number of publications, than contribute any efficacy to a Writer's good intentions. At this time it seems hardly necessary to admonish thinking men against espousing visionary theories of political perfection in States; the deplorable picture of FRANCE speaks more eloquently than
the sweet tongues of twenty orators.
Of all mankind, the subjects of these happy Islands stand least in need of such admonitions, yet are there to be found among us some spirits malevolent enough to cry out, with MII.TON'S LUCIFER in Paradise,
Sight hateful! fight tormenting!
and who still manifest a lurking partiality for the glorious anarchy of our GALLIC Neighbours.
COULD we suppose the Spirit of Evil had been permitted to produce the people of one particular nation, I think we should expect them to act exactly as the FRENCH have done; with this difference only, that there would probably be a little more sense and consistency in their wickedness. They would commit the same crimes, call them by the same names, varnish them over with the same pretences, and be led by the same kind of champions. They would have their DANTON, their SANSTERRE, their MARAT, their ROBESPIERRE, their GORSAS, and their EGALITE. We should not be surprised to hear they had erected temples, and established public worship to the Prince of Darkness; and that the Devil was adored among them, not, as by the INDIANS, through fear, but from veneration.
IN the following pages the Reader will see the detail of much wickedness, and no exaggeration: the Author's difficulty was to invent up to the real atrocities of the Nation from which he has selected his principal characters.
CONTENTS.
CHAP. I.
MY Parentage and Person, 1
CHAP. II.
I am taken as a Lacquey into a Convent. —Dismissed from thence, but first learn to read and write.—Abridgment of ROMAN History.—Eulogy of the Press, 12
CHAP. III.
I become Bawler to a Puppet-Show.— Account of my Ingenuities.—Committed to Prison—Get acquainted there with MARAT and ROBESPIERRE.— Characters of these two great Men, 27
CHAP. IV.
Moral Reflections.—Discourse of ROBESPIERRE.—Birth of the Dauphin.—An Anecdote, 43
CHAP. V.
I leave the Prison with ROBESPIERRE and MARAT.—Description of a Nocturnal Club.—Surprised to find a philosophical Platter-breech one of the Members.—TOMPAINE.—Anecdotes, 57
CHAP. VI.
Dispersion of the Club.—Death of THYRSIS.—The Bone-house.—An old Prejudice removed experimentally, 75
CHAP. VII.
Disappointed in a Robbery.—ENGLISH Sailors.—I am sent to the Galleys, 89
CHAP. VIII.
Released from the Galleys.—MENTOR presents me to the DUKE OF ORLEANS. —The Duke entrusts me with an important Commission.—ZARA impaled. —Encomium on the Duke, 103
CHAP. IX.
I dine at the PAL-AIS ROYAL.—Character of the Duke in his Absence by ROBESPIERRE.—Receive my Instructions.— The Duke discontented with the King and Queen.—Just Cause for being so. —His most Serene Highness gets drunk, 123
CHAP. X.
I sail from DUNKIRK to DUBLIN in a Merchant Ship.—Secure a good Bed.— Easy Method of doing it.—Description of the Bay of DUBLIN, —of the City.— Pleased to see so few Spires and Steeples.— Lord CHARLEMONT's Library. —Admire it much.—Steal his Lordship's Gold Watch.—Dine with my Bankers.—Miss MUSHI JUDAS sings and plays on the Jew's Trump.—The Theatre.—Pleasant Behaviour of the Upper Gallery.—Extraordinary Beauty of the IRISH Ladies, 146
CHAP. XI.
Disappointed in finding no HOUGHERS, and few UNITED IRISHMEN.—Account of these Gentlemen.—The EVENING POST.—Patriotism of that Paper.— Write a spirited Essay.—Tried for it.— My Account of the Trial in the EVENING POST.—Alibi Man described.— Win a Wager.—Kill a Police Man.— Obliged to sly.—Take a pathetic Leave of DUBLIN, 170
CHAP. XII.
Reasons for my Regret at leaving DURLIN.— Vindication of my Impiety.— Account of the Captain of the Ship's Weakness.—Certain Method of winning at Cards.—Kings and Queens at Cards deposed by the Adjutant-General. —Expelled from BOSTON for attempting to reform it, 195
CHAP. XIII.
ROBESPIERRE gives me an Account of the DUKE OF ORLEANS, and of other Friends.—Visit TOM PAINE.—His Employment.—Good Effects of his Pamphlets.—Visit LONDON as an humble Friend to the Marquis of FAUXJEU, —Character of the Marquis.—Engaged at the TEMPLE of HEALTH with Doctor GRAHAM.—Divide with my Master the Contents of his strong BOX. —Return to FRANCE, 221
THE CONFESSIONS OF
JAMES BAPTIST COUTEAU,
CITIZEN OF FRANCE.
CHAP. I.
MY PARENTAGE AND PERSON.
HAVING always been a great admirer of the samous JOHN JAMES ROUSSEAU, I decorate my work with the same title which he chose for a posthumous publication. Though my name has not yet acquired equal celebrity with his in the Republic of Letters, I flatter myself, however, that my actions surpass his, as much at least as he is superior to me in genius and eloquence.
AFTER all, what had ROUSSEAU to confess? Wretched trifles. The stealing a ribbon ruining the honest character of a poor servant-maid, deserting a friend in his distress, and having desiled the iron pot where Madam CLOT's dinner was boiling, and a few other peccadilloes, which tend rather to prove the baseness than the elevation of his mind. However, it must be acknowledged that he was a very great man. He doubted of the existence of the Deity, and with his usual ingenuity of scepticism has raised such a mist about his notions of the Christian persuasion, that he has left the world in complete indecision whether he was a believer or an infidel. None of his actions, it is true, are attended with any splendor; but to such principles as he and his associates in the same cause have disseminated, FRANCE is obliged for that glorious anarchy which prevails there at present, and which probably will continue to prevail there to the last hour of her duration.
I DO not retrace my adventures in order to caution others against falling into the snares which are laid for innocence and simplicity, but to prove, that in the present age the way to honours and selicity is open to all persons who have spirit, and who by the mere force of genius will venture to emancipate themselves from vulgar prejudices: besides, I feel no small satisfaction in considering that my reputation and my merit will go hand in hand, and with an-equal pace, through the world together.
I WAS born at PARIS, in the street
St. Marcel.
My mother was a Fishwoman, ugly, poor, and disgusting, but of a robust make, and well formed by nature to offer and to endure every sort of violence. My supposed father was a Butcher, and I go by the same Christian names, though perhaps without the formality of any baptism.— But, to say truth, I have some doubts as to my filiation on the paternal side, for my mother's accounts were never as to that point entirely consistent.— She imputed me at different times to almost every person in the neighbourhood. Sometimes she said I was her son by a Shoe-cleaner, sometimes by a Cobler in the Marsh, sometimes by one, and sometimes by another, just as it happened to serve her turn to get a little money for her present necessities, by the recollection of the tender intimacy and connection which had subsisted between her and the uncertain author of my existence.
HAD it pleased Nature to have endowed me with great talents for Poetry, as many fathers might have disputed a right to my procreation as there were Cities of GREECE which contended for the birth of HOMER; but Fortune formed me rather to perform great exploits than to sing them, and I can hardly expect that the simple narrative following will ever be placed under the protection of an APOLLO PALATINUS.
WITH respect to my Figure, I can give the Reader no idea more exact in general, than by assuring him, that as to it I am principally indebted for my present elevated station in life, it is such as never fails to raise some emotion of terror in every person who happens to meet me. I am tall like my mother, my body remarkably strong, and the cordage of my muscles such as artists never fail to give to the Statue of HERCULES. My countenance is very striking; for, besides a violent squint, my complexion is of a dingy olive; my nose like a Negro's; my teeth few in number, very long and black; red eyebrows; a wide mouth; and a chin sharp, and peaked almost to a point at the extremity: add to this, an abundance of rich purple carbuncles strewed over my visage, with the mark of several deep scars all conspicuous, and this assemblage gives you precisely my picture.
MY disposition accords perfectly with my outside, and a Physiognomist much inferior in penetration to LAVATER would not hesitate at the first glance to pronounce upon the qualities of my mind. By the fervour of my constitution, being extremely susceptible of impressions from Women, I sought to be connected with them from necessity, and not from that sort of tender sympathy about which one hears so much, and of which I never could entertain the most remote conception. My blood always impelled me, not my heart; when the warmth of the flame was cooled by possession, I generally considered the object with indifference—often, indeed, with disgust: pleasures which are equally shared between the sexes always leave the parties engaged in them upon an equal footing. I never remember to have had an intimacy with any pretty woman, who appeared to me to be such after my desires were satisfied, except one beautiful peasant girl of LANGUEDOC. She turned a deaf ear to my amorous proposals, and I found it necessary to force her. Necessity justifies every thing. I was rough, ferocious, vindictive, little sensible of kindness and obligations, but always retaining the most precise recollection of, and the most lively resentment for, the slightest injury.
I MUST here once for all apprize the reader, that though he may meet with many terms in this book which are used according to their ancient acceptation, he must not therefore conclude that I understand them in that sense. For instance, when I speak of Cruelty, I mean rather Firmness of Mind; when I call Robbery and Massacre Crimes, I consider them as proofs of the most exalted and heroic Virtue. But the Revolution of Words being not yet so general in FRANCE as the Revolution of Principles, to avoid perplexing the Public, I sometimes adhere to the old corrupt modes of expression. When our new Philosophy is completely established, it will be followed by a Vocabulary as new; till then I am afraid Language must in some degree conform to the old corruption. GALILEO was imprisoned for asserting that the Earth moved round the Sun, yet the system of COPERNICUS is the only rational one, and as such is now universally acknowledged.
CHAP. II.
AM TAKEN AS A LACQUEY INTO A CONVENT.—DISMISSED FROM THENCE, BUT FIRST LEARN TO READ AND WRITE.—ABRIDGMENT OF ROMAN HISTORY.—EULOGY OF THE PRESS.
MY childhood passed like that of most young folks of my condition. When I wanted any thing, I stole it; when I was chastised, I cried; and whenever I had an opportunity, I took vengenace for it to the utmost of my power. At the age of fourteen, having been kicked out from the habitation of one of my possible fathers into the street, a Monk happening to pass by, looked steadily at me, and took me with him to the Convent of which he was Providore. There I soon learned to respect the Church, and to make a jest of Religion.
ONE would have thought my stomach had been an abyss, and that I had birdlime at the ends of my singers. I swallowed down all sorts of victuals, and secreted for my own use every thing I could lay my hands on. My thests were so frequent, and managed with so little circumspection, that my master at last surprised me in the fact. He gently pushed me by the shoulder out of the Convent, predicting, with a degree of confidence, that my future abode would be in the Galleys. Although I never imagined him to be gifted with the prophetic inspiration of ISAIAH, his prediction however was accomplished.
HE was too good a Christian to dismiss me from his service without offering me at the same time some wholesome advice for the regulation of my conduct; which had I obsrved, it might perhaps have prevented the completion of his prophecy. During the exhortation, I stole his snuff-box and handkerchief, thinking it right to have some tokens, like pious relics, about me of a man so holy.
During the Exhortation, I stole his Snuff-box and handkerchief.
Vol:I. pa:14.
DURING my sojourn at the Convent, I learned to read and write, knowing well that without these two advantages, it is impossible, with the happiest disposition from nature, to be a rogue more than by halves. Without acquaintance with great examples, the most fertile genius is circumscribed. Nourished only by itself it becomes sterile, and, like a field without manure, in a short time produces nothing. What arms are to the Soldier, or instruments to the Surgeon, Books are in the hands of the skilful.
THE good Fathers, who remarked with satisfaction my appetite for literature, were eager who should be first to supply me from their collections; but their meagre shelves containing nothing better than stories of miracles, the Lives of Saints and Martyrs, and some receipts for making ragouts, I borrowed books of a better stile in other places, or I stole them.
THE Abridgment of the ROMAN History pleased me greatly. I was much struck with ROMULUS deceiving his Brother by a false augury, and thus dexterously getting sole possession of the kingdom; for knavery in things sacred suits my fancy wonderfully: but I admired him still more, when I read of his knocking out this same Brother's brains, for his having in a frolic leaped over the little walls of his new-traced city. The Rape of the SABINE Women was to me a ravishing subject. The ambition of TARQUIN the Proud, the Son-in-Law of SERVIUS, who procured the assassination of his King and Father-in-Law; his Consort TULLIA trampling upon the bleeding body of her dead Sire; the incontinence of TARQUIN's Son, SEXTUS, and the violent death of the chaste LUCRETIA, came up in some degree to my ideas of human licentiousness. The first Consul, BRUTUS, who, without listening to the voice of Nature, ordered his Sons' heads to be struck off in his presence for treason, appeared to me to be truly a great man. But above all, the proscriptions and cruelties of MARIUS and SYLLA transported me beyond all bounds of moderation. ROME deluged in her own blood; the Magistrates, the most respectable Citizens, Priests, Women, and Children, proscribed, butchered, and their mangled carcases piled up in heaps together; presented to my mind's eye a most seducing picture. In the perusal, I contemplated it with that soft contentment, that interior satisfaction, which resulted (I doubt not) from a
presentiment
of that enchanting scene which is now so admirably realized in every spot and quarter of my own dearly-beloved country.
THE history of MARK ANTONY, no less sanguinary than he was amorous, always fixed my attention.— That celebrated Libertine, with the amiable AUGUSTUS, and their booby fellow Triumvir, LEPIDUS, proscribing three hundred Senators and above two thousand ROMAN Knights at one sitting, then getting drunk, and singing obscene ballads together in a little Island near MUTINA; FULVIA, the wife of ANTONY, dragging with her own fair fingers the tongue from the jaws of dead CICERO, and piercing it three times with her bodkin; the head of that great Orator afterwards sperbly impaled upon a spike over the Rostrum, and many other incidents at that period, filled me with sensations too delightful for me to attempt their expression.
BUT my hero was CATILINE.— A parricide, sacrilegious, a ravisher, adulterer, a cannibal, a pandar, and a reformer, all together, how ca language surnish terms to praise him sufficiently!
As to the Emperors (four or five of them excepted), they were a series of desperadoes, whose exploits might make all the Divinities of Hell blush in the comparison.
IN every History which I perused, I found something constantly to form the mind and improve the understanding. That of GREECE particularly, in which the most illustrious Patriots and Generals were always exposed to the fury and caprice of the Rabble, who without the least consideration for their services or their merit condemned them at once to ignominy or death, awakened in my breast the most flattering expectation of soon seeing in that Nation which calls herself the most polite in EUROPE, the renovation of similar disorders, and universal confusion of all things.
MY enquiries were not consined to the mere study of History, I devoured all the prohibited books sold clandestinely by the Hawkers; especially when I could find that they contained scandalous anecdotes either of gallantry or of the Clergy, and when people of condition and character were well mauled in them. By degrees I became a Critic, at last an Author. At our nightly Club of tatterdemalions, I pronounced emphatically upon the merit of every fugitive sheet which made its appearance for a day, generally indeed without having read a word of it; but I knew the Scribbler, and my decisions were always considered as infallible. Without vanity I may venture to affirm, that no Libeller in FRANCE has ever with impunity so deeply injured the fair fame of his neighbours as I have done.
For ever honoured be the Art of PRINTING! In ENGLAND they boast of the Liberty of their Press; with us FRENCHMEN it is not the Liberty, it is the Licentiousness which is admirable. Oral Calumny is tardy, feeble, and circumscribed, but give her paper wings, and, like a bird, she cleaves the clouds, and flies from province to province, from kingdom to kingdom, gives free circulation to imposition, and a solitary pamphlet, as the Poet POPE says of a love-letter,
Can waft a
lie
from INDUS to the POLE.
Lame Truth limps after too tardily to prevent the winged progress of her adversary. Our Legislators, who ostentatiously boast of our perfect Liberty in FRANCE, and declaim with so much complacency in their own praise for the emancipation of the Press, sensible of the importance of the engine, instantly destroyed every one in the kingdom except their own, and imprisoned the Writers even of a single sheet who presumed to publish it without their permission. The inhabitants, principally such as could not read, seeing them pass by loaded with irons, clapped their hands, and cried with a loud voice,
Good Heaven! what a satisfaction! how charming, how delightful to have a free Press!
O DIVINE Art! Womb of Science! Daughter of Truth! Consolation of the Unlearned! Protectress of Rights! true universal Czarina!—Our arms, our cannon, pikes, poniards, assassins, and decrees, have not contributed half so much as thou hast done to the blessed effects visible every where in the happy desolation of our delightful country. By thy aid we have deposed and beheaded the very best of all our Kings, manacled the Royal Family, calumniated our Queen, who expects every hour to be doomed to the gallows: by thee our gallant villains possess all things, and the lawful owners are without food or raiment.— What gunpowder is to the musket aimed against the human body, thou canst effect when thy thunder is pointed against human reputation. I cannot better conclude my eulogy upon the latter, than by applying to it the lines of the poet ARIOSTO, when he describes the former:
—vien con suon la palla esclusa,
Che si può dir, che tuona, et che balena;
Nè men che soglia il fulmine, ove passa,
Ciò che tocca, arde, abbatte, et fracassa.
CHAP. III.
I BECOME BAWLER TO A PUPPETSHOW —ACCOUNT OF MY INGENUITIES —COMMITTED TO PRISON —GET ACQUAINTED THERE WITH MARAT AND ROBESPIERRE—CHARACTERS OF THESE TWO GREAT MEN.
THE courteous reader, I flatter myself, will easily pardon the few apostrophes in the preceding chapter. He who can speak of Liberty without enthusiasm is but half a FRENCHMAN. To return to my adventures.
PENNYLESS, sorrowful, and retaining nothing of the Church but her nasal drone and her hypocrisy, I wandered about for some time without knowing whither, when the Manager of a Puppet-show ordered me to follow him. Being arrived at the
Boulevards,
we stopped at the entrance of an alley; there he bade me stand still, while he disappeared, and in a few moments returned again with a Bear's skin in his arms. After throwing it over my shoulders, and fastening it well with a cord about my neck, "Your business," says he,
is to roar out to all the passers-by to come in to the Puppet-show, the most beautiful, superb, and august that was ever exhibited; but, above
I bellowed with such amazing vociferation that the Manager was obliged to save the drums of his ears by putting up his hands to the side of his head▪
Vol:I. pa:20.
all, Rascal! be sure to bawl loud enough to make them hear you.
BEFORE he could well turn his back, I began to exercise my Stentorial functions; and I continued to bellow with such amazing vociferation that the Manager, though accustomed to the most rude and dissonant noises, was obliged to save the drums of his ears, by putting up his hands to the sides of his head, and burying his sconce in his miserable Theatre. As he was retreating, he could not forbear to shake his noddle, and look back at me with a sort of malignant grin on his countenance which marked very strongly both his surprise and his satisfaction.
BEHOLD me now, gentle Reader! covered with a bear-skin, Bawler to a Puppet-show, and deafening the whole neighbourhood. Although our Manager paid me handsomely enough out of the scanty profits of his Theatre, I resolved to indemnify myself for the consumption of my lungs by resources more ample than the slender fund of my lawful wages. The strength of my voice was well seconded by the agility of my hands. As the entrance to the alley where our diminutive Theatre stood was so narrow that not more than three or four spectators could pass at a time without justling, I remarked the circumstance, and determined to turn it to my advantage. I ransacked the pockets of the gentry thus huddled together, and eased them of their contents in the twinkling of an eye, never forgetting however to cry out,
Ladies and Gentlemen, take care of your pockets;
but not till after I had left them nothing to take care of.
AT different times I left my station at the door, and went into the House to divert myself with examining the contortions and tristiful visages of the good folks I had plundered. In vain did our performers, our wooden drolls exert their talents to divert them: they appeared as insensible to the facetiousness of our Actors, as our Actors themselves. No power of Comedy was sufficient to banish from their minds the bitter recollection of their losses.
BY their air of satisfaction I could easily distinguish those who had not yet been under my hands; and, being always a friend to EQUALITY, I determined to rifle them in going out, as I had pillaged the other in coming in, and thus to leave both parties equal. Handkerchiess, purses, cases, snuffboxes, every thing of the kind, had irresistible attractions for me. Watch-chains wantoning from the fobs of
petït-máietres
or the girdles of the ladies, never glittered before me in vain.— I gently drew out their appendages of pinchbeck, silver, and sometimes of gold, as one draws a bucket out of a well, and all my goods lay snug under the bear-skin. There was no person in PARIS who knew so well, perhaps, as myself what o'clock it was, nor deserved perhaps a halter so well for the accuracy of his knowledge. In that immense capital I believe I was almost the only person who could not tell the hour of the day innocently.
AMONG the multiplicity of my thefts, the three following are sufficiently singular to excuse the recital, and claim the reader's attention.
FROM the lowest depth of the pocket of one of the most austere Prudes in the city I drew out a volume of OVID very magnificently bound, and adorned with plates as lascivious as the wanton imagination of the Poet and tool of the Engraver could fancy or execute. There was no mystery in the display; every thing was exposed, and in a sair state of nature.
A YOUNG
Devoté,
pale and peevish, concealed, under the most decrous dress, a large bottle of excellent Coniac brandy: I laid my hands on it, and, in one draught, quaffed it off to the health of its sallow proprietor.
IN the pocket of a General Officer, decorated with the cross of St. LOUIS, I met neither pistol nor bayonet; but, instead of them, two small boxes set with diamonds; one a patch-box, the other full of lip-salve. He had, however, a very martial air; his sword was of an immeasurable length; his hat cocked in a most unrelenting manner; and on his man-slaughtering visage, "No quarter" traced in visible characters. Though he had served but two or three very inactive campaigus, he abounded in recitals of sieges and battles. His military atchievements, recounted by himself, surpassed by far those of the great FREDERIC of PRUSSIA, or of any other modern hero, who, if possible, offered more sacrifices than that monarch to the Goddess of Funerals.
WHEN he raised the trumpet of BELLONA to his mouth, he appeared to be possessed with a real Daemon. He imitated so faithfully the controtions and groans of the wounded and the dying, the thundering of cannon, the bursting of bombs, and all the insernal harmony of a field of battle, that if it required spirit to be present at the scene of action, no small degree of courage was also necessary to fortify the hearer not to shrink at the recital. The small articles of his little portative toilette evidently proved that he culled roses and myrtles to deck the bower of amorous gallantry, with no less care than he gathered laurels for the field of more hardy encounters.
IT happened one day, most unfortunately, that while I was disposing of some of my booty to an honest receiver of stolen goods, the owner came into the very place before the bargain was concluded. He was, no doubt, somewhat surprised at this confusion of
meum
and
tuum,
and to see his property thus unaccountably passing into the hands of a third person, who had no more right to make the purchase than I had to offer it. He slipped out, without uttering a single word, and in a few moments returned with two sturdy constables, who, after emptying my pockets compleatly, dragged me away to the
Salpétriere,
and left me there upon the straw in a dungeon.
THERE I first became acquainted with MARAT and ROBESPIERRE, two illustrious personages, whose renown, great as it is, bears however no proportion to their exalted merit. The former had been committed for offences without number; the latter for having substituted his own name instead of that of the intended legatee in a last will, which the testator, his friend and benefactor, had on his deathbed entrusted to his honesty.
Robespierre. Marat. Couteau.
Vol:I. pa:38.
ROBESPIERRE, nephew of the great DAMIEN (who in 1757 was broke on the wheel, torn with pincers, tortured, dragged in pieces, and half burned alive, to the infinite entertainment of our FRENCH ladies), was a native of FRANCE, and went from thence to DUBLIN, where he served as Sweeper to a shop in a street called
Pill Lane.
After many pranks and misadventures in that city, he sailed back again to FRANCE, in the hold of a merchant ship, and became a sort of understrapper to the law, or what the ENGLISH call a
Pettyfogger,
at PARIS. He is unquestionably a most respectable character, endowed with the greatest versatility of genius, and possessed of talents and spirit enough to animate a whole legion of Devils.
THE origin of MARAT was not more illustrious than that of his fellow-prisoner. He had been a Hawker of prohibited Books, and had experienced all the indignities incident to that perilous occupation. Their manners were as unlike as their dispositions were similar. MARAT cursed and swore at every sentence he uttered, and vouched to the truth of the most extravagant falshoods by the most tremendous execrations. ROBESPIERRE is master of the most lying insinuation; his tone of voice is gentle, his words all weighed, and his whole deportment imposing. The simplest asseverations serve as guarantees to his want of veracity; such as,
You may rely upon what I tell you
—
By my Honour
—
Upon the word of a Gentleman
,—and such like.
IT is impossible to determine which of the two is most impious, or the greatestliar. They seem to be equally rapacious and cruel, and enlightened by the most confirmed Atheism: in one word, they are both exactly such men as weak Christian morality would not fail to distinguish by the appellation of two consummate villains.
CHAP. IV.
MORAL REFLECTIONS.—DISCOURSE OF ROBESPIERRE.—BIRTH OF THE DAUPHIN.—AN ANECDOTE.
SEVERAL ancient and modern writers display before us many musty reflections, which they illustrate with suitable examples, to prove that mankind seldom know how to frame sensible petitions to the Supreme Disposer of all things; that they foolishly request what, if granted, would injure them, and wish to avoid what would terminate in their felicity:
—Pauci dignoscere possunt Vera bona, atque illis multum diversa.
HUMAN creatures, equally short-sighted in their desires and their apprehensions, would do wisely to leave events to the disposal of Fortune: that arbitress arranges things better than we can do, and conducts them by herself, without our interference, to their most desirable conclusion. My adventures ought to give some weight to this maxim.
INTERCEPTED as I was in the very middle of my pocket-picking career, and plunged down to the bottom of a dungeon, a hundred times I cursed the inconstancy of Fortune, who had thus betrayed me; and had not the love of life, by an instinctive impulse, restrained my arm, my rage had put an end to my days on the spot, and I had sunk into annihilation, perhaps without ever having known more of MARAT, and the worthy Nephew of DAMIEN, than the mere celebrity of their characters. But the Goddess of ANTIUM, more propitious than my despair, by arresting my rash hand, reserved me to be not only their intimate friend, but even their rival, and to walk hand in hand, and by the same road with them, to the great work of reforming my beloved country. Yes, let me proclaim it—Under the weight of irons, and in the darkness of a dungeon, was the FRENCH Triumvirate formed; that Triumvirate which the Shades of MARIUS, of SYLLA, and of CINNA, may contemplate from the sombrous caverns of PLUTO with admiration, nay perhaps even with envy.
IT happened one evening that MARAT, drunk as a swine and all besmeared with tobacco, in order to snore himself sober, had staggered to the truckle-bed of the Turnkey's daughter, a black-eyed buxom wench, who had taken a fancy to him; and the Nephew of DAMIEN and myself being thus left together, that great man addressed me in the following manner: "FRIEND COUTEAU!" says he,
if you knew me well, you would do me the justice to believe that I am not a kind of person to make much parade of my good dispositions towards my acquaintance. I leave them to discover it by proofs, and not by professions; but I know not how it is, there is something amiable in your aspect, and a sublimity in your sentiments, which I find to be in unison with my own feelings. Every man, the wisest of us, is liable to mistakes, yet I do venture boldly to predict, that unless some unlucky accident happens to cut short the thread of your days, you will mount on Fortune's ladder much higher than your contemporaries. In your prosperous ascension, I offer myself to be your MENTOR, and without the most distant motive of interest; for the happiest natural dispositions, without the assistance of sound precepts, are but like ships without sails, which can never arrive at the port they desire; or like birds without wings, which may at best hop alittle from the ground, but can never cleave the sky like hawks and eagles. Our antimoralists, like their adversaries, overcharge their instructions. There are always shades of vice as of virtue, which a master cannot discriminate with precision enough to place them exactly before the eyes of the disciple. In such cases, the penetration of the pupil must rely upon itself. The sagacity of the great ENGLISH Philosopher NEWTON, who could analyse or dissect a ray of light, would have been baffled had he attempted it. MY aim is to deceive the rest of the world, and never to be the dupe myself; to accomplish this, my rules are simple. I never prosess a friendship for any man (except yourself) without intending to mislead or to ruin him. I never tell a lie to any one (except yourself) without meaning it should pass for truth. I never speak a word of truth without intending it should be mistaken for a lie. "YOU see," continued he, "that barbarian MARAT, —that fellow thinks I am his friend because I call myself so, and we get drunk together; but he is a real Savage, so illiterate that he was hardly able to read the very titles of the books which he hawked about the streets, but it was sufficient for him that they were prohibited, and that their contents might do mischief. However, I must acknowledge that he has great qualifications for a Reformer: he is an Atheist; violent in his temper; a stranger to every feeling of humanity: he deceives without address, and lies without shame: he is ferocious, bloodthirsty, capable of every kind of atrocity; and, my dear COUTEAU! I foresee with infinite pleasure, that buffle-headed profligate, in conjunction with you and me, is reserved to act a most distinguished character on the great theatre of the universe.
HERE he concluded. To do justice to MARAT, I must acquaint the reader, that in the absence of his friend he always spoke of his character with the same impartiality.
I EXHAUSTED all my eloquence in thanking the Nephew of DAMIEN for the flattering sentiments with which he was pleased to honour me, and still more for those excellent lessons of practical wisdom, from the observance of which I expected to derive so much benefit.
Turn them to your advantage,
replied he;
I desire no better test of your acknowledgments
.
THOUGH our time in the prison passed away tolerably well, between gaming, drinking, swearing, arguing, and blaspheming, our confinement at last became insupportable, and we resolved to escape from it. We agreed in two days to set fire to the gaol, and to lay the combustibles in so many places at once that, during the general confusion, our deliverance would be certain.
MARAT offered instantly to cut the Turnkey's throat and his Daughter's, could their murder contribute in the least degree to facilitate the success of our project. "Fire and Furies!" says he
they both deserve it amply; and particularly my pretty brunette, for her fragility.
Thus this great man always held out the transgression of some other person as a pretext, in order to justify himself for any much more enormous crime he was determinted to perpetrate. I must acknowledge. ledge I could not hear him make the proposal without feeling a little emotion of envy: that, however, was but natural.
BUT all our fine projection came to nothing. On the very day before our intended conflagration, the
ci-devant
Queen, MARIE ANTOINETTE, was delivered of the Dauphin. The most beautiful Prince in the world appeared, and the most admirable project vanished by exactly the same incident.— LOUiS XVI. with his usual foolish compassion, and willing to make his subjects participate in his happiness, ordered all the prison-doors in the kingdom to be thrown open, and the wretche, confined (Ravishers and Assassins excepted) to be set at liberty. The Turnkey entered, announcing to us the Dauphin's birth, and the unexpected favour of his Majesty; for which his Majesty not very long afterwards received from the Triumvirate a proof of gratitude in return as little expected.
THOUGH it must occasion a small transposition in the orderly detail of my adventures, I take the liberty, for my own gratification, to anticipate the small anecdote sollowing.
ALL the Hangmen of PARIS having refused to be concerned in the King's murder, saying that they were not Assassins, I offered mysels to his most Serene Highness the Duke of ORLEANS, now Mr. EQUALITY, to do the business. The
ci-devant
accepted my proposition with transport. I dropped the edge of the Guillotine on the Royal neck, but not till after I had reproached his Majesty with his weakness in giving liberty to thr
e such men as MARAT, ROBESPIERRE, and myself. The King looked at me, uttered a short sigh, and, without saying a single word, submitted himself to my justice. I sliced off his head as is related above; and thus fell LOUIS XVI. in the perfect vigour of his days, for the crime of having spared the blood of his subjects.
CHAP. V.
I LEAVE THE PRISON WITH ROBESPIERRE AND MARAT.—DESCRIPTION OF A NOCTURNAL CLUB.— SURPRIZED TO FIND A PHILOSOPHICAL PLATTER-BREECH ONE OF THE MEMBERS.—TOM PAINE.— ANECDOTES.
NOTWITHSTANDING the impatience we all expressed at our confinement while it seemed next to an impossibility to escape from it, MARAT at first refused to take the benefit of his liberation. He swore lustily that he would not stir a single step, at least till after the accomplishment of his favourite project. He appeared like a hungry glutton torn away from a good dinner without being allowed to taste a morsel of it.
"PIKES and poniards!" says he,
the lodging is well enough for a few days longer. Death and daggers! to what purpose is it to plan a brilliant enterprise without having spirit to carry it into execution?— May thunder crush me! if I stir an inch till I set fire to the prison, and have fleshed my knife in the windpipe of my sweet little brown sugarplum, and her much-honoured rascal of a father's. By BEELZEBUB! I have not taken a life this twelvemonth. Oons! I might as well be a cripple; my right hand will forget its cunning.
ROBESPIERRE and I for a long time endeavoured to get the better of his obstinacy, but to no purpose. At last the former spoke to him as follows:
DEAR and much—respected friend! are you crazy? Where is the good sense of your remaining here, even for a single hour, when you are at liberty to leave it?— Consider that the very best concerted conflagrations miscarry sometimes, and their success is always uncertain. As to the assassination of your dear mistress, and her twopenny papa, it is not necessary to relinquish the scheme entirely, only for a time to postpone the execution. You have my free leave to return in three or four days at most, under the pretence of a visit of love to your dear brunette, then cut her weasand, and her papa's, and every gullet you can reach at; spare not, the more the better in my mind. You must at least acknowledge, my much-honoured friend! that it will be more noble, it will have a better air, it will in short be more like yourself, to do it in the character of a friend than a prisoner. Consider besides, that a man of spirit may in a single night commit more murders in the streets of Paris, than he is likely to find opportunities for in three months in a prison.
To the weight of these arguments at last MARAT acceded. We took leave of the
Salpétriere
together.
ROBESPIERRE made us mount with him to his garret, where, taking a pamphlet out of his letter-case, after glancing it over with a paternal eye, "On the strength of this," says he,
we will make a jovial night of it. This is a most bitter libel upon our Sovereign Lord the King. Here LOUIS the Sixteenth is set forth as an implacable tyrant, deaf to the complaints of his subjects, and, like another NERO, delighting only in their calamities. The hawker who ventures it for sale may probably be decked with an iron collar for it, but I shall receive at least five or six good louis from a worthy bookseller, who, to tell the truth, runs now and then no inconsiderable risk in ushering my productions to the public. But, my dear friends! it is full time for you to make yourselves fit to be seen: do you, MARAT! hire a surtout to cover your rags; and you, COUTEAU! a clean shirt for the evening. Credit me, it is not beneath the attention of a man of sense to secure the respect of the world by a decent exterior, especially at our first introduction into the company of strangers. Farewel for the present; you will find me here at eight in the evening, when I shall expect to see you.
WE separated for the business of the toilette, and returned to ROBESPIERRE at the hour appointed. "Allons!" says he,
follow me, my brave lads! I will soon domesticate you among our Demi-gods.
WE got down from the garret, which was in the middle of the
Marsh,
and after many turnings and windings through dark and narrow lanes and alleys, groping for our way, stumbling and swearing, at length we sunk down into a subterraneous passage.
Keep close, my Boys!
says ROBESPIERRE; "we are just at the spot." After a few steps further, he pushed against a door, which was not quite shut, and discovered to my view a kind of cavern, which served as a banquetting-room for this nocturnal society.
Dii, qui
us imperium est animarum, umbraeque silentes;
Et CHAOS, et PHLEGETHON, loca nocte silentia late.
Sit mihi fas audita loqui: sit numina vestro
Pandere res altà terrâ, et caligine mersas.
The Nocturnal Club.
WE entered. After the usual civilities, and the ceremony of my initiation, this respectable Assembly mutually interchanged several questions and replies as to the manner of passing the time in their respective prisons; for this last act of the King's grace was not less serviceable to the Demigods than to the Triumvirate.
THE GANYMEDE of this Hell immediately entered with three decanters of brandy, and the remains of a leg of ram, for the three last comers.
WITH great tranquillity I took my seat between the Nephew of DAMIEN and an atheistical Demi-god by name ISNARD.
AFTER having cast my squint all round the company, I could not suppress my astonishment at seeing a fine Platter-breech, of a most hideous aspect, perched up between two sturdy| looking fellows at no great distance from me. "What the devil!" cried I, rather in too loud a note,
a Platter breech among the Demigods?
"TAKE care, for Heaven's sake!" says MENTOR;
he is a great Philosopher, and worthy of his place among us. Last year he murdered his mother, did it with so much address, and underwent his examination afterwards with so much rsolution, that the Magistrates, though convinced of his guilt, could not convict him, but were obliged to discharge him. He is lecherous as a monkey, and has all that animal's mischief, of which he frequently gives us many entertaining instances. He is well-informed, speaks well, sings agreeably, and it is impossible to know his pleasant qualifications without feeling an affection for him. He trundles himself here every night of our meeting, and he is greatly respected by our whole society.
UPON hearing this, I paid a genteel compliment to the Platter-breech, who received it with grace, indeed I may say with an air of considerable dignity, and answered me with politeness, though at first a little piqued by the abruptness of my exclamation. At the request of the Club, he favoured us with a ballad of his own composing upon the subject of King DAVID and the Wife of URIAH the Hittite, taken from the Scripture. The ballad, full of obscenity and blasphemy, entertained us amazingly, and there was no end of our applauses.
HE talked afterwards like the rest of the company with infinite good sense and energy against the Christian religion, against Providence, the immortality of the soul, and every other dogma of the received superstition, all which he burlesqued with inconceivable pleasantry, calling them visions and jargon, fit subjects enough for a snuffling preacher in a pulpit, but little suited to the refined morality and enlightened conceptions of such strong-minded philosophers as we were.
REMEMBERING the late admonition of MENTOR, who was always by my side, I said to him in a low tone of voice,
Prithee, who is that heavy-looking boor, with his hands in his pocket, sitting opposite to me? He has not uttered a word since we came in, and my opinion is, that he does not understand one syllable of the conversation. Is he deaf or dumb?
"NEITHER," answered MENTOR.
He is also a great Philosopher, and thinks profoundly; but being an ENGLISHMAN, he does not understand a tittle of our language, and never attempts to speak it. To tell the truth, he is not very well acquainted with the Grammar of ENGLISH, for he was never at school, nor under the discipline of any instructor. In the last war, however, he contrived to do a deal of mischief to his native country by his pamphlets and his treasons. The ENGLISH, in my mind, despise him too much, and talk more of his rogueries than of his publications. He was originally a bungling Staymaker in ENGLAND, but by the interest of a Waiting-maid, who was mistress to a certain Lord's Valet de Chambre, he was appointed to a small post in the Customs, from whence he was dismissed for a number of little pleasantries, which the folks there were pleased to call dishonesty. Afterwards he married two Widows at the same time for their little property; he robbed them both, and then went to AMERICA, as a Patriot and a Republican, where he was indefatigable in irritating the Colonies against the Mother-Country. He is the very Soul of our Society. Our VOLTAIRES, ROUSSEAUS, and D'ALEMBERTS, only give us the satisfaction to demonstrate that we have no chance of inheriting a future state; but this Philosopher shews us the direct road, and points out the infallible means to put us in possession of the property of our neighbour, and of every thing desirable in this under world, to which we have not the most distant pretensions from right, reason, or justice. To him it is we are obliged for that beautiful idea of overturning all the established orders of society; of calling Kings tyrants and dunderpates, laws useless, and the morality of our ancestors impositions and tales of the fairies. TOM PAINE! your good health!
At these last words the boor pursed up his eye-brows, stammered out a few words in ENGLISH, and pronounced
Mountsheer
so as to be audible; then thrusting his clumsy hands again into his pocket-holes, he made an aukward sort of bow, and immediately sunk back into his usual state of stupidity.
CHAP. VI.
DISPERSION OF THE CLUB.—DEATH OF THYRSIS.—THE BONE-HOUSE.— AN OLD PREJUDICE REMOVED EXPERIMENTALLY.
THE harmony of our Club was interrupted by an incident which happened not unfrequently in that Convention of Demi-gods. Our Atheist ISNARD, who had at his left side a member blind of the right eye, suddenly complained aloud that his friend the blinkard had stolen his silver snuss-box. "By JUPITER," says he,
I suppose, Rascal! you imagine I have as few eyes as yourself, that you venture to rob me in this open manner.
The monoculist, who was rather choleric, only answered him by a sound douse on the chops, which stretched him directly at his length on the floor. Up bounced the whole Assembly in a moment, and the engagement became general. It was all cuffing, kicking, stabbing, and howling to such a degree that one would have imagined, by the ringing of the Cavern, the fury ALECTO had got among us with her horn, the concert was so dissonant and so tremendous. In endeavouring to pick ROBESPIERRE'S pocket who was tumbled down in the scuffle, I received a gash in the face from a knife, the scar of which is still visible, and will continue to be so to my latest hour; and, what is still worse, I got the wound without the plaister; I mean the money I was in search of, for MENTOR was too much-upon his guard to let himself be easily stripped of the price of his libel upon our most excellent Sovereign.
LASSITUDE at length succeeded to choler, and the honourable company separated with many protestations of mutual esteem, and an engagement to meet again in the same place on the Thursday following.
THE Nephew of DAMIEN, who had business in some other quarter, took leave of MARAT and me, but first discharged our reckoning for the leg of ram and the decanters of brandy we had guzzled down before the riot began in the Cavern.
As we were sauntering up
Dry-tree street,
I asked MARAT if he had got any money? "Not a cross," answered he,
by ISCARIOT! But no matter, we can't want it long in the streets of PARIS; the first codger we meet alone, by the Devil's gizzard, we'll empty his pockets, and then slit his windpipe, blast me!
So said, so done. The words were scarcely uttered when an unsortunate
petitmaître
of the city appeared before us. He wore an ill-fancied laced coat, with a hat and feather under his arm, and sung "Dear THYRSIS," to the utmost extent of his vocal powers, with a most disengaged air, and in the most perfect security. O blindness to the future! O improvident
petitmaître!
at this very moment ATROPOS is preparing the fatal scissars to cut the thread of thy existence; and, if there are not songs and ballads, opera serious, or opera buffa, in the PLUTONIAN regions, thou now warblest in
Dry-tree street
the sweet finale to all thy music!
"BULLETS and bludgeons!" cries MARAT, "we have him."
HE let the ill-starr'd warbling beau pass by a little; then, turning suddenly about, seized him strongly by the arms behind. I advanced in front, presented my knife at his throat with one hand, and rifled his pockets with the other. I took out his watch, and his purse, containing three crown-pieces, a smal bit of rosin, two strings for a pocket fiddle, and eighteen good golden louis.
DURING the operation, in order to display the justice of our proceeding, we overwhelmed him with reproaches, and the most abusive language, as if he had been a public depredator not less infamous than CACUS, in such a manner that a passer-by, who only heard what was said without seeing what was done, would have concluded that the
petit-maître
was the robber, and we the sufferers.
AFTER these pleasantries, having cut his throat from ear to ear, with all the dexterity of a surgeon, without condescending to cast another look at him, I walked on with my companion, and left THYRSIS stone-dead upon the pavement.
IN the division of the booty, I reserved to myself four pieces more than the half, without MARAT'S knowledge, giving him the remainder; but, in return, I generously presented him with the bit of rosin, and the two fiddle-strings, upon which he did not seem to set any very great value, for he dashed them at my face in a fury, cursing and swearing according to his usual custom upon every occasion.
THE Queen of GNIDUS and PAPHOS, though a Pagan Divinity, has as many altars to her honour in the capital city of his Most Christian Majesty as she once had in GREECE or ITALY. One of her temples was near us, and received us like true devout sacrificers to the worship within. Money easily produces universal tolerance among all the amorous sects who pay their homage to the Mother of the TROJANS. Without being TARQUINS, we met with ladies as cold as LUCRETIAS till the contents of the purse of THYRSIS were displayed before them. That once done, we passed the night deliciously in their arms.
My fair mate had all the charms without the austerity of that ROMAN Prude of self-slaughtering memory; but, having left me early to share the transports of another lover no less sentimental, MARAT came into the bed-chamber before I was well awake, and, shaking me rudely by the shoulder, made me at first apprehensive that the officers of justice had laid their claws on me; but the Savage soon undeceived me.
"FIRE and brimstone!" says he,
still in bed, snoring like a hog at this hour! Tumble out for shame, boy! Lights and livers! I have a party of pleasure to propose to you. You know, rip my vitals! they expose the dead bodies found in the streets at night, next morning in the bone house, blast me! It would be confoundedly ungrateful not to pay our compliments to our dear little THYRSIS, after such a regale as we have had at his expence, split me! Come along, gibbet me!— Besides the satisfaction of looking at one's handy-work, it may serve, by LUCIFER! to strengthen our courage; though, scorch my midriff! COUTEAU! you and I have
"This poor Gentleman is not likely to be a Songster."
no great need of SPA water to brace our nerves, shiver me!
AWAY we went, and the first object which struck us was the gentle THYRSIS stretched at his length on a plank in the bone-house, with his guttural hiatus very distinguishable.
"To the best of my judgment," says I,
this poor gentleman is not likely to be a songster.
"AH no!" answered a very pretty young woman by my side, drowned in tears, and wringing her hands most piteously.
Alas, no! my dear dear Brother! you will never sing again, nor dance again, nor teach to dance again! May the vengeance of whose inhuman hand has thus cut short the course of your innocent, inoffensive being!
HE must have been some scoundrel!
says I, with great composure; and, so saying, walked out of the boe-house.
THIS little adventure furnishes me with an opportunity of exposing the futility of a vulgar notion, which is common enough among the lower sort of people, namely, that the wounds of a murdered person open and bleed afresh at the approach of the murderer, just as at the time of being mortally wounded. The fact is not so. I stood quite close to the body of THYRSIS; I even put my hand upon his throat— not one drop of blood issued, but all remained within, congealed and without circulation, just as if the corpse had lain for three weeks in the snows of CANADA.
THUS it is that Superstition would impose upon us. To abolish false opinions, and to establish the true, is the bounden duty of every wise man, who wishes by the light of science to instruct society, and improve his country. It was not by idle speculations, and ill-founded theories, but by the force of reiterated experiments, that the great ENGLISH Chancellor BACON laid open to us the right road to useful knowledge and rational philosophy.
CHAP. VII.
DISAPPOINTED IN A ROBBERY.— ENGLISH SAILORS.—I AM SENT TO THE GALLIES.
THE more I knew MARAT, the more I was attached to him. He was my PYLADES, and without his participation I had little enjoyment of the good things of this world, that is to say, the good things of other people, which were indeed my only inheritance. While our money lasted, we swam in the delights of PARIS:
The God of Wine our wit inflam'd,
And CUPID fir'd our hearts.
But by our debaucheries and our amours, our sunds were soon exhausted. Four pocket-pistols and two daggers were all we had to shew for the watch and the eighteen louis which we possessed after the conquest of THYRSIS, the rest had been squandered in brandy-shops and houses of reception.
BUT knowing, in spite of what the Scripture tells us to the contrary, that the victory
is
to the strong, we considered the consumption of our purse with great indifference. By a little dexterity we supplied our ordinary demands, and sufficient unto the day was the roguery thereof. But, little satisfied with such slender and uncertain resources, we meditated depredations on a larger scale. We agreed in one of our
tête-à-têtes
not to confine our ambition to the certain and inglorious plunder of single passengers, but to attack all we met, even in bodies, without the least consideration of their strength or numbers.
FULL of such heroical resolutions, after a close examination of our firearms, we sallied out one Sunday evening, certain of returning at night loaded with the
spolia opima.
But, alas! how many accidents happen in life against which we make no provision. Never was resolution more firm, never enterprise better concerted, which came to so wretched aconclusion.
AT the top of
Frippery-street
we saw two lasses hanging upon the arms of two stout-looking fellows dressed in blue, who were gallanting them in ENGLISH, and speaking as loud as if they had been on the open sea, and staggering on the quarter-deck of their vessels. They were ENGLISH Sailors.
"BRIMSTONE and sulphur!" roared MARAT,
you Roast-beef, Saltwater, ENGLISH Regicides, deliver your money.
THE Roast-beef, Salt-water, ENGLISH Regicides were by no means obedient. After squirting some chewed tobacco from the corner of their mouths, and one of them crying out to his companion,
Blast my eyes! Pirates!
they answered our requisition in a manner we little expected. Without shrinking an inch, or discovering te least sign of apprehension, they levelled two blows at our heads with their oaken cudgels, one of which instantly knocked the pistol out of MARAT's hand, and the other made me vibrate like a pendulum. I fired notwithstanding, and missed. Away ran the women, and the cudgels began to play about our ears most unmercifully.
SEEING, as we did, the strength and resolution of the enemy, we had no choice but flight. We took to our heels, and the ENGLISH Regicides after us. I understood their language, and heard them close behind us, now and then encouraging each other, and one crying out, "More sail, TOM!" and TOM answering, "Aye, aye," just as if they had been at sea, and giving chace to the ships of an enemy.
BEING better acquainted than the Sailors with the windings and turnings of that quarter, we had nearly escaped from them, when, as ill fortune would have it, one of our nocturnal Club, the Demi-god PLATTERBREECH, happened to be spinning about quite close to me. Somehow or other he got entangled between my legs with his cursed platter, and down I tumbled. MARAT fell over me, and thus were the three Demigods turned head over heels, in the middle of the mud, at the mercy of two furious Tars, who, while their cudgels descended as thick as hailstones on our carcases, were all the time saluting our ears with the appellations of
Mountsheers, Soupemeagre,
INDIAN
Turkey-cocks,
(meaning to call us something else a little like it in sound) and
cowardly
FRENCH
hangdogs.
After drubbing us to their hearts content, they looked about, and not finding their lasses, left us to go in search of them; but first, seeing the Platter-breech tumbled over, they replaced him in his equipage, and throwing him a handful of silver from their coat pockets, with a curse or two they quitted us.
THIS business may serve as a small specimen of ENGLISH Sailors. Here I shall take the liberty of offering a little advice to such of my readers as may hereafter feel an inclination to rob folks of this description, which is, to cut their throats first, and rob them afterwards; by this arrangement, the affair will be in a better train, and less liable to such untoward accidents as I have just related.
DELIVERED in this manner from our enemies, we thought ourselves safe; and, being seated on our rumps in the middle of the kennel, began to shake our ears like spaniels just come out of the water, when lo! a much worse misfortune befel us than the bastinado we had so lately experienced.
THE Watch, alarmed by the cries of the women, came up suddenly, and dragged us off before a neighbouring magistrate, there to undergo an examination.
WHEN we appeared before the Justice, MARAT thought proper, from a mere impulse of modesty, to withdraw from the
eclat
of his real name, and to rebaptize himself by that of CLAUDIUS ARNAUD, Gentleman.— The metonymy was absolutely necessary; for, without it, the matter would have been decided against us instantly. We protested our innocence with so much effrontery, calling Heaven and all the saints in the calendar to witness that the ENGLISH were the aggressors, and our flight only the consequence of our apprehension, that the magistrate began to be puzzled. Observing the success of our first fiction, we resolved, without invoking the aid of the Gods of OVID, to metamorphose all the personages of the piece, and to accuse our accusers. We charged the women as accomplices with the ENGLISH Pirates, in a manner so solemn, and with such an air of veracity, that the Justice was within a moment of becoming perfectly unjust, by committing them, and giving us our liberty.
WHILE this point was depending, one of the Marechausseé happened most unfortunately to come into the office, and seeing MARAT in custody called him by his name. The scene shifted in a moment.
"AH! ah! Scoundrel! is it you?" says the Judge;
your most obedient servant, Mr. CLAUDIUS ARNAUD, Gentleman!
HE then examined his criminal register, and finding my name also in its proper place, he sentenced us both on the spot to three years imprisonment in the gallies.
MARAT, furious to find himself thus baffled, lost all patience, and vomited out such a torrent of obloquy and scurrility against the office, that the representative of THEMIS, in addition, or as a rider to the rest of his sentence, ordered him, before he set out upon his trip to Marseilles, to receive a hundred lashes from a cat of nine tails soundly applied to his naked shoulders, and so ended our examination.
THUS does the fickle Goddess delight to frolic. Behold this great man reserved to be at one time the Framer of Laws, the Purifier of Philosophy, the Reformer of his Country, the Fraternizer of EUROPE, the Judge and Sentencer of his Sovereign; at another period, hand-cuffed, tied to a post, and skipping and writhing under the scourge of the executioner. I stood by, and offered him my compliments of condolence with apparent sincerity, but privately I gave the hangman a small piece of money I had about me, not to spare him, but to lay it on soundly; well knowing that had our situations been but changed, my PYLADES would have acted by me exactly in the same benevolent manner:
—hanc veniam petimusque, damusque vicissim.
Such little liberties among friends are always allowable.
CHAP. VIII.
RELEASED FROM THE GALLIES.— MENTOR PRESENTS ME TO THE DUKE OF ORLEANS.—THE DUKE ENTRUSTS ME WITH AN IMPORTANT COMMISSION.—ZARA IMPALED. — ENCOMIUM ON THE DUKE.
AS most of my readers, no doubt, have served in the gallies, it would be but lost time to describe to them the daily course of life there. To make a figure there, patience is the virtue most requisite. Fasting, the scourge, and setters, are dealt out to the miserable convicts with the utmost impartiality, and happy is he who can best support them. The captain of each galley exercises a despotic tyranny, and those who were to know the sufferings, without at the same time knowing the crimes and dispositions of the slaves, would imagine they were treated with the most disproportionate inhumanity. The back of the horse is made for the rider, and the shoulders of the galley-slave for the scourge. Time, however, softens every thing. Our most flattering consolation resulted from this consideration, that there were other human beings more unfortunate than ourselves.
THE wretches condemned to the oar for ten years, or for life, made a jest of our complaints, and considered our condition as truly enviable. Comparison upon the whole reconciles all calamities. I knew a celebrated
Suavio
at Paris, who was out of humour the whole time of the most exquisite entertainment, if a glass of Champagne not sufficiently iced was offered to him, while above half the inhabitants of that great city were obliged to content themselves with the wine of the country, acid as vinegar, and well heated with scorching sun-beams.
MARAT and I, little satisfied with exercising the cardinal virtue of patience, meditated many fruitless projects to deliver ourselves from captivity, but we ruined our schemes by communicating them to other villains. Four Demi-gods of our Clu happened to be chained to the same bank of oars with us, and they always spoke with such bitter exasperation against the tyranny exercised over us, that we concluded they would eagerly join with us in any enterprize, however perilous, which could contribute to our emancipation.
"PILLAGE and plunder!" says MARAT;
leave lamentations to women, liberty and vengeance were made for men. Earthquakes and thunder! let us turn our chains to arms, and this very night dash out the brains of this scoundrel bashaw, who gives us sustenance by scruples, and fetters by the ton weight.
BUT the dastards, instead of co-operating with us, only betrayed us into the hands of the enemy. Then the lash was applied in triple doses, and our irons doubled in such a manner that our backs were as finely tesselated as the pavement of Solomon's Temple, and we endured a burden of fetters enough to strain the loins of a stout pack-horse.
BUT nothing could subdue us.— Genius may be for a while beat down, but it is impossible to annihilate it. —Like ENCELADUS under Mount AEtna, it makes such struggles, and the efforts are so violent, that its powers and energy are conspicuous under the oppression, and perhaps then most formidably.
LOADED as we were with irons, torn with stripes, and our strength reduced to half its consistence by inanition, who would not have imagined that under such a regimen we should not have sunk into subjection? But not so, we answered chastisement by blasphemy, and met menaces with abuse. The Captain never ventured to approach us without a cocked pistolin his hand, and two or three times protested he would blow our brains out for an example to the rest, and to restore order and discipline in the gallies.
But our fortune was soon to change her aspect. After a year passed as described above, I had a letter from ROBESPIERRE, communicating to me the happy intelligence that, by his interest with his Most Serene Highness the DUKE OF ORLEANS, we were to be set at liberty. At the same time, the Master of the Galley received a letter in the Duke's hand, ordering us to be released, and furnished with money for our expences to Paris.
THE Captain obeyed the mandate with great satisfaction, and sent us out of the district under a strong guard, not supposing he could be one hour in safety till we were removed at least a full league's distance from the circle of his jurisdiction.
PRISONS and the gallies are nurseries and hot-beds for wickedness, and he who enters but a simple cheat or pickpocket, leaves them with all the accomplishments of an assassin or a parricide. This is the reason why the DUKE OF ORLEANS always chose such accomplices and associates as had either been in gaols, or deserved to be in them. The body of FEDERATES from MARSEILLES, who, in 1792, so gloriously deluged FRANCE in the blood or priests, prisoners, women, and children, was chiefly composed of galleyslaves. They were in the DUKE's pay, and executed his bloody orders with a precision so exact, with such sublime ferocity, that the Satellites of SYLLA were not more entitled to universal admiration, nor deserved better the everlasting gratitude of their suborner. But let us return to our history.
IN our journey we atchieved little worthy of recollection, except a good many robberies, and killing three shabby sort of travellers, whose throats it was absolutely necessary to cut, to get possession of their purses, and to make sure of their taciturnity.
ROBESPIERRE received us at Paris with open arms, and we passed the time most agreeably in giving him the detail of our adventures, ad in listening to the recital of his. O how delightful are these overflowings of the heart among true friends!
Felices ter et amplius,
those who can experience them.
THE Nephew of DAMIEN, as he informed us, was become favourite to the DUKE OF ORLEANS, and had the honour of being employed by him in several very delicate commissions, where he had manifested considerable talents for business, and great zeal for his master's service. Among several other particulars of the same nature, he diverted us extremely by telling us how he had, by his Highness' order, given poison to the PRINCE DE LAMBALLE one day as he returned from hunting, and complained of thirst; and how he had forged a will for the dead Prince, by which his Highness became heir to the immense possessions of that Prince, frustrating by this manoeuvre the DUCHESS OF LAMBALLE and the children of that lady, who would have been otherwise the rightful inheritors. He assured us, at the same time, that his Highness was little satisfied with such frivolous operations; but meditated nobler and more extensive projects, of which he was not yet sufficiently master to give us the detail, as we might desire, specifically.
"BUT, friend COUTEAU," continued he,
I have been thinking of a little arrangement for you before you left the gallies, and pray attend to it. Hitherto your travels have been confined to FRANCE. To be wise as ULYSSES, it is necessary, like him, to see foreign countries:—
Multorum providus urbes et mores hominum inspexit.
It is necessary for the service of my patron, that he should have some one of my recommendation; a man of honour, like you, to inform him authentically of the present state of IRELAND. The DUKE has heard, with pleasure, that there are a set of gallant fellows there, called
Houghers,
who hamstring soldiers in the dark, and perform other such little pleasing freaks as well deserve his favourable notice. He hears also that there is an Association, called
United Irishmen,
that is,
united
against the laws, religion, and peace of their country; and it sometimes happens that these worthy people are hanged, or sentenced to transportation, for want of money, or a protector, who, by his credit, might save them from that ignoble injustice which persecutes what they falsely call transgressions in countries unenlightened with true philosophy.— The DUKE wishes to know their real strength and numbers, and to assure them of his esteem and countenance. Prepare, therefore, speedily for your journey: I will present you this very day to his Highness, who will furnish you with money for the expences of your commission, and give you, with his own mouth, your final instructions how to regulate your conduct among strangers.
DURING our conversation, the DUKE came into the apartment of DAMIEN'S Nephew; and, on my being presented to him, behaved to me with the greatest affability.
"Is it really true," says he, with a smile strongly expressive of the august ferocity of his heart,
that you cut a citizen's throat in the streets of Paris, while he was singing
Dear Tyrsis,
and next morning went to see his body in the bone-house?
I ANSWERED, with modesty, that it was perfectly true, and that I was ready to undertake much more hazardous exploits for the service of his Highness, whenever he might condescend to honour me with his commands.
"We shall see," answered he.—
I expect your company at fix to-day, with the Nephew of DAMIEN.
HE then conversed a little in private with MENTOR, and departed; but not till he hd left on my mind a most advantageous impression of his disposition by the following little incident, which, being willing to amuse the reader, I think myself not at liberty to with-hold from him.
THE true character of men is perhaps better discovered by their conduct in small matters, than in great events and important conjunctures. At such criterions there is generally a consonance of sensation which produces a consonance of thought and determination, and man is man by the leading impulse of human nature; but the mind, left entirely at its ease, acts independently of any extraneous bias, and shews itself in its real abstract propensity.
WE were standing together at an open window which looks into the street, when ZARA, a pretty little shespaniel big with puppies, left her mat in the corner of the chamber, and came towards his Highness crouching, wagging her tail, licking his feet, and offering him her little affectionate caresses. He wore white stockings; and whether it was that ZARA put up her paws on his white stockings, or whether it was that he has an aversion to dogs, I know not, but he took her by the neck, and, extending his arm from the window, let the little mother drop on the iron spikes of the railing, where she was impaled immediately.
WHILE she was writhing and howling in her anguish, the first Prince of the Blood looked at her with great satisfaction, snapping his fingers, and crying out, in a fondling tone of voice, from the window,
Come here, little ZARA! What are you doing there, you gipsey! Come to me; come to your master, hussey!
and so on, in that sort of coaxing tone which we use to little dogs when we want to trifle with them.
THE Commentators of the Poet SHAKPAR, (the CORNEILLE of ENGLAND) direct the reader to admire the following trait in the part of BRUTUS, the principal character in the Tragedy of JULIUS CAESAR.— BRUTUS sitting at midnight in his tent, just before the Battle of Philippi, observes one of his attendants, who had been playing on the lute to him, just dropping asleep over the instrument. He rises, takes it from his lap without awakening him, saying at the same time, in a very gentle tone of voice,
If thou dost nod, thou'lt break thy instrument.
— This little touch, the critics tell us, discovers wonderfully well the good disposition and natural benignity of BRUTUS' character.
IT is not necessary, I suppose, by a long dissertation, to display to the observer the difference between the Assassin of JULIUS CAESAR and of LOUIS CAPET, and how much the FRENCHMAN surpasses the ROMAN in grandeur of soul and dignity of sentiment.
O THE great man! the great man!
cried I;
he will murder half the world. O the great man!
"HE is a great man," answered MENTOR,
who will be the maker of your fortune. As such resprect him;
and we parted.
CHAP. IX.
I DINE AT THE PALAIS ROYAL.— CHARACTER OF THE DUKE IN HIS ABSENCE BY ROBESPIERRE.—RECEIVE MY INSTRUCTIONS.—THE DUKE DISCONTENTED WITH THE KING AND QUEEN.—JUST CAUSE FOR BEING SO.—HIS MOST SERENE HIGHNESS GETS DRUNK.
NEVER forgetting MENTOR'S sage maxim, that the outside ought not to be neglected, I paid most particular attention to my dress before I made my entrance at the palace. I washed my hands and face; a hairdresser finished my red locks with great taste, three serious curls and two flutterers at each side; my white silk stockings were darned only in two or three places, and these hardly visile; I hired a clean shirt, and a complete suit of clothes, in
Frippery-street
—and thus equipped, with a noble air, I presented myself at the palace.
MENTOR had got there before me, and I found him in a magnificent antichamber, waiting for the DUKE to join the company. At seeing me he could hardly suppress his amazement.
"AH! ah!" cried he,
my dear friend, you look wonderfully well. If you had no face at all, or any other face but that which you have, upon my honour! the women would pull caps for you. What! curled, powdered, silk stockings, a clean shirt, and a sword by your side! By the word of a gentleman! you might sit for your picture: but you don't, perhaps, know, that to that face, such as it is, you are indebted for the partiality of his Highness.— The Prince saw you by accident in the
Tuilleries,
and your appearance immediately fascinated him. I was as usual at his side, and took the opportunity of giving him an account of your adventures so advantageously for you, that from that moment he resolved to have you upon his list. But mark me; before he comes in, let me give you a short sketch of his real character; for, without that chart before your eyes, you may not be able to steer the vessel into her harbour.
WE sat down, and MENTOR thus resumed the subject:
MY Lord has as much politeness as man can have, and in every thing superficial is perfectly a gentleman. He is precisely the very reverse of a turtle, whose impenetrable outside covers the soft meat within, for he is as insensible to every feeling of humanity as a tyger of Africa.— He is prodigal without generosity, a niggard without oeconomy, timid without caution, and rash without courage. Good sense (of which he has but a very slender portion) seldom is his director. He sees things not by the light of reason, but through the medium of his passions and prejudices. His model is his ancestor the DUKE OF ORLEANS who was Regent in the late King's minority. The Regent was fond of women; his Highness is as incontinent as TARQUIN.— The Regent sometimes loved a jovial glass; his Highness is drunk constantly.—The Regent liked mixed company; his Highness keeps open house for all the scum and rabble of the kingdom; and so in every thing else. He resembles him in all his weaknesses and ill qualities, in not one of the good, and only imitates in
outréeing
the prototype. He has neither the spirit, the genius, nor the good natural disposition of his ancestor. He resembles him, in short, as a great Flemish Draught-horse is like a fleet, high-mettled Arabian Courser; both are horses, and there ends the similitude. He loves flattery to an extravagance, and particularly to be flattered for what he does not possess, extensive views, and the profound science of Politics, in which last he is perpetually outwitted.— He will be, or I am greatly mistaken, the dupe of his own ambition; for he meditates a number of bold undertakings, and is destitute at the same time of every quality of the mind which might possibly give him a chance of succeeding in them. However, he is a good milch-cow, and we will not be tired of holding the pail till he is tired of letting us milk him. He has loaded me with favours and benefits, and you may see, my dear COUTEAU! I speak of his character with the amiable partiality of a friend penetrated with the deepest sense of obligations.— Make then a little abatement on account of this partiality which I have just mentioned, and you will then be exactly in a position to form a candid estimate of the DUKE my patron: but no more, for here comes his Highness.
I REFLECTED a moment upon the abatement recommended to me; and, to say the truth, I could not discover, on the side of morality, what was to remain to his Highness afterwards.
THE DUKE came in, holding a letter in his hand which he delivered to me, directed to Messieurs HEROD and JUDAS, Bankers,
Inns-quay, Ploodybridge,
DUBLIN.
THIS is to bear your charges in Dublin,
says he.
I have not confined you in your expences; only take care not to exceed tho sum mentioned, without acquainting me with the occasion by letter. If you should find it necessary to hire some resolute fellows to assassinate the Lord Lieutenant, or Chancellor, or any other great officer of state, you shall have a particular credit for the purpose, or for any other of that sort; but provisions for occurrences of this nature are not contained in that letter, which is only meant for every day's current occasions. But dinner is ready; we will talk of business at table.
WE sat down. O Idol of APICIUS! O Genius of Gormandizing! what an entertainment for two scoundrels, and a debauched Descendant of Royalty! The sensuality of a Conclave of Cardinals must have allowed it was excellent. Such
soupes!
such
ragouts!
such
patés!
such a
dessert!
and such variety of delicious wines!
THE DUKE'S appetite was no disgrace to the House of BOURBON, and he drank like a true Prince of the Blood Royal. At every bumper his heart began more and more to open, and in proportion his folly to expand itself. What
platitudes
on his part, and what eulogiums upon ours! The contest seemed to be, whether his Highness should be most dull, or we most flattering; our compliments were exactly in an inverse ratio to his merit; but as his Highness had little more to do than to gesticulate his acknowledgments, and we had the labour of furnishing the matter for them; as he was but passive, and we active in the scene, much the most troublesome part in the piece fell upon our shoulders.
THE heat of wine and adulation having at last softened his heart to a state of fusion, out it ran in a stream of indiscreet confidence as follows: FRIEND COUTEAU! says he,
without doubt, you don't believe in GOD?
"GOD forbid," answered I, with vivacity;
I know no Divinity except your Highness.
"GOOD," returned he;
but it is not enough to be an Atheist yourself, you must endeavour to make others so. We have not any greater enemy than the Christian Religion. It teaches men to be just, grateful, compassionate, honest, content with their condition, loyal, and I know not how many other weaknesses utterly incompatible with the new philosophy of which I profess myself a confirmed disciple.
"YOUR Highness," says I,
speaks with too much modesty; you are an Apostle.
BY agreement we then drank in a bumper, on our knees, the memory of SPINOSA. The DUKE then, helping himself largely to some perigord pye, went on thus:
As a cook before he makes a
fricandeau,
a collar, or a pasty, takes the bones out to form it to his taste and render it plastic, so we must try to unbone the human heart of all religion, before it will receive kindly the form which it is our interest to give it.
THE Nephew of DAMIEN and myself assured him upon this, with equal truth and solemnity, that we never had the most distant idea of any religion whatsoever; nor did we know, or had we heard of a single person who pretended to it; the KING, perhaps, might be an exception; but his imbecility was notorious. I added, with a well-urned compliment, that the example of one great man like his Highness, was likely to do more good than the books of twenty VOLTAIRES and MIRABEAUS, with all their parts, their zeal, and their learning. Thus satisfied on the article of our infidelity, the Prince proceeded:
YOU must know, friend COUTEAU, that we have determined to leave in FRANCE neither GOD nor Gentleman. Every thing, I think, promises to be topsy-turvy, and so much the better. You see in your Landlord, my worthy fellows! the man in all FRANCE most incensed against his Sovereign, and who, perhaps, has the best justification for being so, and you shall hear my reason. IF I have any weakness, it is my passion for women: it must be allowed they are delicious creatures. I always wish I had a hundred mouths to kiss, as many arms to clasp them, and a house ten times as large as the Palais Royal to entertain them in. Our Queen MARY ANTOINETTE is certainly a most desirable piece of incarnation. Her shape, her freshness, her neck, her ivory arms, her beautiful legs—in short, the whole object taken together set me on fire, and I concluded she would be an easy conquest, for she was always chearful, and constantly in the greatest flow of spirits. After her marriage, I paid my court to her with great assiduity, and ogled her without mercy.—One day I found her by accident quite alone at TRIANON, sitting in an easy chair, and knotting. I threw myself at her feet in a transport, avowed my passion, and, after protesting that I entertained the most profoundly-respectful sentiments of her virtue, I concluded by swearing fervently that I could never enjoy an hour's happiness without the dear hope of passing the remainder of my extatic life in her celestial arms. To tell the truth, she appeared a good deal surprised at the declaration.—She pushed back her chair a little, and, with a sort of stately air, just uttered these few words: "So, I see your Highness gets intoxicated in the morning!" for I was always drunk after dinner. Up I bounced, seized her in my arms, and, before she could prevent it, forced a kiss from her. The breath of CYTHEREA was not sweeter. She repulsed me steadily, the colour mounted to her cheeks, and tears stood trembling in her eyes, and just at this critical moment in walked his Majesty. Seeing the QUEEN so discomposed, and my Highness half ashamed ened, "What is the meaning of all this?" says "Royalty. "Turn out that Ruffian," replied the QUEEN, and walked out of the chamber. "What!" cries the KING, "make love to my wife, villain! Be gone, and never dare again to appear in my presence. BY this time I was a little recovered, so I resolved to put a good face on the matter, and, in a sort of rallying tone, "Good faith, Cousin," says I, "here's a great deal said, and very little done. If you are resolved to banish every one who would wish to prevent your monopolizing that pretty MARY of yours, you will soon have the comfort of a most agreeable solitude here at your little TRIANON." He madeno other answer to this pleasantry than giving me a great kick in the breech, which made me bounce out of the room like a pellet out of a pop-gun. SINCE that time I have hardly thought of any thing but their destruction, and I see it advancing with hasty strides at this moment. The QUEEN's estrangement, and the recollection of that vile kick in the breech, have embittered all my enjoyments. My shame shall be washed out in their blood. The thunder grumbles in the air, and soon will fall to crush them. Our Countrymen, accustomed to intercourse with the AMERICANS, talk the language of these Republicans, without understanding heir principles; and Redress of Grievances is now become the idea most in fashion. My agents are every where, and never fail to traduce the KING and QUEEN as the principal cause of all the People's sufferings, to describe the Nobility and Clergy as their mortal enemies, and the DUKE OF ORLEANS alone as their support, their protector, and true friend.— The Finances besides are in as fine a state of disorder as could be wished, and all this working together must infallibly conduct me to the Throne.
AT that prophetic word we all dropped again upon our knees, and tossed off a full pint of Champagne each to its accomplishment.
AT length by the dint of wine, politics, and prophecy, his Highness' head was entirely overturned, and down he sunk in his easy chair, speechless and insensible. The noise of his snoring, which shook the dining-room, gave us the first notice of the retreat of his understanding.
His gold snuff-box set with diamonds lay upon the table before him, and I was furiously tempted to take possession of it; but MENTOR diverted me from the intention, proving, by a syllogism in
Barbara,
that the theft might be a hanging matter, and the detection inevitable. My reason, but not my will, agreed with him, and I relinquished all future hopes of that amiable snuff-box with deep regret,
multa gemens,
as ORPHEUS was obliged to resign his beloved EURYDICE at the borders of Tartarus, or as a setting-dog at the call of his master leaves the half-mumbled partridge in the plains of Chantilly. "Farewel!" says I, "farewel! too charming snuff-box!" So saying, I stole out of the apartment on tiptoe, leaving the drunken landlord in his arm-chair to snore himself sober, and dream at his ease of Thrones, Revolutions, and Popularity.
CHAP. X.
I SAIL FROM DUNKIRK TO DUBLIN IN A MERCHANT-SHIP.—SECURE. A GOOD BED ON BOARD.—EASY METHOD OF DOING IT.—DESCRIPTION OF THE BAY OF DUBLIN.—OF THE CITY.—PLEASED TO SEE SO FEW SPIRES AND STEEPLES.—LORD CHARLEMOUNT'S LIBRARY.—ADMIRE IT MUCH.—STEAL HIS LORDSHIP'S WATCH.—DINE WITH MY BANKERS.—MISS MUSHI JUDAS SINGS AND PLAYS ON THE JEW'S TRUMP.—THE THEATRE.—PLEASANT BEHAVIOUR OF THE UPPERGALLERY. —EXTRAORDINARY BEAUTY OF THE IRISH LADIES.
I WISHED much to take leave of MARAT, that is, to get drunk with him, before I left PARIS; but it could not be, he was again in the
Salpétriere,
to which he had been recommitted in five days after he had been discharged from it. The SWISS are said to have a disease called the pining after their country; my PYLADES might be said to pine for the inside of a prison.
THOUGH there is not, perhaps, any set of men in the community so much addicted to parade, show, and flutter, as the Members of the Diplomatic Body, I thought proper to avoid all ostentation in my preparations for my embassy.
OBSERVE all Ambassadors, Plenipotentiaries, or Envoys. When they return from their public character abroad, their equipage and dress are more gaudy. They display a great deal of gilding and lace, more than you meet with among their equals. My Lord Ambassador squares his elbows, scrapes his feet more against the floor, thrusts his person more fully into your face; in short, he musters up the whole turkey and peacock in his deportment, and is, in appearance, a man of greater consequence than many of superior pretensions who stand in the same circle with him, but have not happened to pursue the same line with him in their progress through the world.— Gentry, in short, of this feather are perpeually in a state of declared war against nature and simplicity. All this may undoubtedly spring from a laudable jealousy of not being overlooked at foreign courts, or from a desire of doing honour to the country they represent; but, in general, it is rather to be imputed to their personal pride, than their public-spirited patriotism. When men's actions and conduct will bear two constructions, one good and the other bad, he who does not ascribe them to the latter must be indeed a novice in human nature.
As to myself, I had very sensible reasons for avoiding all sort of ostentation in the preparations for my embassy; my credentials being only to the
Houghers
and
United Irishmen,
I had no right to expect to be received in a public character by the whole IRISH nation.
EQUIPPING mysels only with a small quantity of linen, a second suit of cloaths for gala days in a portmanteau, and a
gard-vin
well filled with coniac brandy,
eau de Noyau, parfait amour,
and other strong cordials, I took post from PARIS, and on the fourth day arrived without any accident at DUNKIRK.
A MERCHANT-SHIP, bound for DUBLIN, was just ready to set sail; and I embarked immediately. I found the vessel crowded with passengers who had got on board before me. From this circumstance I was in danger of being without a bed during the whole passage, which calms or contrary winds might make long and tedious. But I am of a temper rather to get the better of an inconvenience, than to complain of it.
AMONG a number of boobies who were on board, an overgrown middle-aged Smuggler, of most insufferable stupidity, attracted my notice. He blundered out whatever nonsense happened to come uppermost, told dull stories and laughed at them perpetually, and drank like a camel preparing to pass the Desart of ARABIA. He had an excellent bed. I soon made an acquaintance with him. Opening my dram-chest, I invited him in a bumper to drink
Confusion to all Custom-house Officers,
and in another we drank "Prosperity to Smuggling."
In order to finish him compleatly, I filled him a half-pint glass of
parfait amour
to his own good health; then, perceiving that his head and his heels began to stagger, I courteously invited him to take a turn or two upon the deck, assuring him he would be greatly refreshed by it. I helped him immediately up the gang-way; then, drawing him towards the gun-wale, with the first heel the ship made, I pushed him head foremost into the sea, where he was swallowed up for ever.
WHEN I was certain that it was too late to fish him up again, I told the Sailors of his misfortune, pretending to be concerned for it: I then took possession of his bed, where I slept soundly, and in great comfort, for the remainder of our voyage to DUBLIN. The inconceivable anguish which passengers on board suffer from the rolling of the ship, having (as Mr. VOLTAIRE says) all the humours of the human frame thus violently forced out of their natural channels, made me at times a little peevish; but, having a good bed, and my mind entirely at ease, I thought I had no great right to complain much about so small a matter. He who has presence of mind may be truly faid to possess a treasure.
OUR voyage lasted near a fortnight, and, but for the happy expedient which I have just before related, there might I have been lying, stretched on the floor of the cabin, with my head, perhaps, supported by a hard trunk or a basket, while a pitiful Smuggler lay snoring at his ease, within a few yards of the never-enough-to-be-respected Ambassador of his Most Serene Highness.
MUCH has been said of the beauty of the Bay of DUBLIN; and to speak truth, it is not easy to say more of it than it deserves. In fine weather, the sea looks like a great lake of a transparent blue colour, neither too contracted nor too extensive. The country round, particularly towards the county of WICKLOW, forms a magnificent amphitheatre of hills and mountains rising gradually above each other; the tops of some of them seeming to pierce the clouds like pyramids, the sides of others swelled into beautiful bosoms, then gently waving off, and expanded at last into soft green vallies, which detain and captivate the eye with the most delicious freshness and verdure. On their slopes, and in the bottoms, you see villas and summer-houses without number, adorned all about with flowering shrubs, and sheltered with young plantations. Old trees, or of a very large growth, are not common.— There is very where cultivation without formality, and rural wildness without savageness or horror. The forms of these hills, mountains, and vallies, so diversified and so engaging, the sea like a great lake, the promontory of HOWTH at the entrance of the Bay on one, side, the small town of CLONTARF, and several other objects (could they be all together collected in a single picture), would form, undoubtedly, one of the most delightful landscapes imaginable.
THE City of DUBLIN, though of very great extent, yet seen from the Bay, or from any eminence, presents nothing noble or beautiful to the eye of the beholder; and this proceeds entirely from the deficiency of towers, spires, and steeples. Of these I could count I think but two.
I WILL not hesitate to affirm, that the largest city in the universe, with the most spacious and regular streets, the most uniform houses, the public buildings in the most grand style, as are those of DUBLIN, nay, allowing them to be all constructed of polished marble, but destitute of steeples, spires, and towers, will never make a striking object of vision, or fill the eye of a spectator who looks at it from a distant view, and considers it only as a component part of a picture.
BESIDES the beauty which arises from a diversified surface, without the aid of certain objects elevated above it, the space occupied appears much less than the reality; and for these reasons the sea is never seen to such advantage as when covered with shipping; and we are always deceived in our conjectures as to the breadth of an unbroken expanse of water, the mensuration constantly proving it to be considerably greater than was imagined before the experiment.
I FELT the most lively satisfaction in considering the paucity of these structures; for as erections of this kind generally belong to temples and churches, I immediately concluded that the inhabitants had little or no religion, and that if they were as indifferent to the interior of worship as they seemed to be to the outside, atheism, and the enlightened impiety of our new Philosophy, would soon make a thriving progresss among them. The God of Cards and Dice has a Temple, called DALY's, dedicated to his honour in DUBLIN, much more magnificent than any Temple to be found in that City dedicated to the God of the Universe.
THE appearance of the Mob, who swarm on the Quays and block up the passages to the City, delighted me greatly. Covered with rags and dirt, without breeches, shirts, or shoes, full of animal spirits, and the spirit of whiskey, "Aye! aye!" says I,
here is the true stuff for Reformers! What a felicity must it be to live under a Constitution of their modelling!
ON advancing further into the City, and seeing every thing so different, my spirits sunk in proportion. Appearances were changed entirely: large streets, shops well furnished with all sorts of commodities, creditable houses, an excellent foot-way, public buildings (churches excepted) all magnificent, and handsome carriages rolling along, filled with modest and most beautiful ladies. Alas! thought I, this does not look like the work of my Reformers; the Gentry, I fear, have got the best end of the staff in this Capital: but, with the help of the Devil, let us never despair of any thing.
ALTHOUGH the houses in general, and particularly in the new streets, are well finished, chearful, and commodious, there are not many hotels in DUBLIN of very extraordinary magnitude.
Leinster House
however is very noble, and has more the air of a palace than any Hotel in Paris.
Charlemount House
is very striking, (though not near so large as the former) from the beauty of the architecture.
IN this House there is an apartment called the Library, which, from the collection of books, and the style of the ornaments, would do honour to the taste of a Prince. I could not look at them without wishing it had been possible for me to have stolen half of them; but, alas! I had only the merit of feeling the inclination, for the thing was impracticable. His Lordship's gold watch lay by accident upon a table, and, to make myself some recompence for my other fruitless wishes, I slipped it into my pocket, and then went away, making a thousand bows and acknowledgments to the footman who held the door in his hand for me. I kept the watch some time, as a pleasing token to remind me of that beautiful Library, and of the most resectable Nobleman who is the owner of it.
ON the day of my entry into DUBLIN, I dined with Messieurs HEROD and JUDAS, my Bankers. They received me very politely, and, after several Jewish ceremonies which I regarded as little as if they had been Christian, they invited me to a family dinner. The company consisted of myself, the two Bankers, Mrs. JUDAS, and Miss MUSHI JUDAS, her daughter. The worshipful Mr. HEROD was a bachelor. We dined heartily upon Paschal lamb and unleavened bread, and at every third mouthful drank "Confusion to Christianity."
AT my request (for I did not then know the consequence) that Miss MUSHI would favour the company with a song, she immediately began to squall out a most tedious and lamentable Canticle, longer than half of DEUTERONOMY; and, to complete the discord, she every now and then clapped a confounded Jew's trump between her black teeth, from whence she thumped out such a succession of iron sounds as were never before heard since the Babylonish Captivity.
I INTENDED toogle her all the time; but, unfortunately, my squint turned all the tenderness to the mother, who sat opposite to her. This brought on a profusion of detestable compliments from that old Israelite, who among the rest told me, that if
Bloody-bridge
had any charms for me, the family hoped they should see me often. The ladies then retired, and my Gemini of Hebrews, with their guest, tossed off two bottles each of excellent
Lachryma Christi
before we thought of rising.
The—Dessert at Bloody-bridge.
Vol:I. pa:164.
A PARTY to the Play-house was then proposed, and we walked off together. I secured a place between the two Children of Circumcision, in the centre of the pit, from whence I could conveniently see both the spectacle and the spectators.
BEFORE the rising of the curtain, the proceedings of the Upper-Gallery gave me infinite entertainment. Their cries and howlings were more furious and dissonant than a troop of pent-up wolves. Now and then they dropped down emptied bottles on the company of the Pit, and yet not above three or four skulls at most were broken by them; then they flung chewed apples and orange peels at the boxes, and upon the Stage: they frequently made the Ladies blush, and the Beaus tremble, hissing or clapping them just as the fancy was uppermost, and sometimes giving them ludicrous nick-names, which were well understood, and in general very characteristical. In short, it was consummately pleasant to observe how miserable they made all the decent-looking people in the Theatre.
THE Play to be acted, as the Bills informed us, was a Tragedy, but the greatest part of the Actors seemed not to have been admitted into that secret. They appeared entirely unconscious and unconnected with the business going forward, and to assume no sort of responsibility for the pathetic incidents exhibired before the audience. Had it not been for the energy of one performer, for the frequent use of the dagger towards the catastrophe, and, above all, for the sympathy of some young ladies in the boxes, I might have retired from the Play-house without knowing whether I ought to have left my mirth or my tears behind me.
THE beauty of the LADIES of IRELAND is perfectly enchanting. The peasant girls of ENGLAND are in general much prettier than those of the same class in this Country, but the LADIES here are full as handsome as ENGLISH Ladies, and no style of beauty can exceed them. O God of Love! O Mother of the Graces! what shapes! what complexions! what features! what attractions! While I looked at them, I doubted for near the length of half a scene whether, had it been necessary, I could have cut all their throats in cold blood, and as a gentleman ought to do.
BUT this was not the worst; let me avow my shame—would it had ended there. Seeing the sweetness of their looks, the angelic serenity of their countenances, and their bewitching sensibility, I for a moment entertained the mean suspicion that there might be something real in innocence and virtue, and that these fair creatures, without a spark of heroism in their composition, and little versed as they were in our new fashionable philosophy, might, perhaps, enjoy as much internal satisfaction, as much solid contentment as even I could boast of. But this weakness was of no long duration—a moment's reflection banished it. My breast recovered its usual firmness, and I soon became again the worthy Ambassador of his Highness to the
Houghers
and
United Irishmen.
I MIGHT, no doubt, have spared myself the shame of these humiliating Confessions, but I promised to deal candidly with the reader, so I mean to conceal nothing from him. He may not, perhaps, find in this book the eloquence of the Citizen of Geneva, but he will find at least his sincerity.
CHAP. XI.
DISAPPOINTED IN FINDING NO HOUGHERS, AND FEW UNITED IRISHMEN.—ACCOUNT OF THESE GENTLEMEN.—THE EVENING-POST. —PATRIOTISM OF THAT PAPER. —WRITE A SPIRITED ESSAY.— TRIED FOR IT.—MY ACCOUNT OF THE TRIAL IN THE EVENING-POST. —ALIBI-MAN DESCRIBED.— WIN A WAGER.—KILL A POLICEMAN. —OBLIGED TO FLY.—TAKE A PATHETIC LEAVE OF DUBLIN.
GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS, King of the Goths, who, mounted on his little white mare, was killed by a musket-shot at the Battle of Lutzen, but not till after he had received another wound which, as his heavy-headed historian HARTE tells us, made him "decline from the perpendicular," —this good King used to say, among other wife sayings, that
we see things better with our own eyes than with those of other people.
To this truth I fully subseribe, in my capaity of Ambassador to the
Houghers
and
United Irishmen.
IN a country containing near four million of inhabitants, and where the lowest class of people are so much addicted to idleness and drinking whiskey, who would not have expected to find at least one hundred thousand gallant desperadoes under the two denominations before-mentioned? But mark the fact. As to the former, that enemy to all heroism the gallows had taken off some of them, and the fear of it discouraging the rest, that nursery of Reformers was rooted up, and existed no longer. As to the latter, I could find but about five or fix who had any fixed habitation, and these, men in no esteem, and of no sort of consequence; the rest were poor bankrupt shopkeepers, or idle fellows picked up in the streets to be paraded through them on particular occasions, with a drum beating, and a fife whistling something like a march before them. A red or a blue coat was clapped upon their backs, and a musket on their shoulders, for the purpose of the day. After getting drunk with their officers at some alehouse in the suburbs, in the evening the red coat and the firelock were taken from them, they received thirteen-pence and a kick in the breech, and so ended the campaign and the patriotism. These I found were but the miserable dregs and refuse of the real VOLUNTEERS of IRELAND, who had for some time laid down their arms, and who indeed consisted of the most respectable gentry in the kingdom.
ALL this I mentioned in a confidential letter to the Nephew of DAMIEN, but with a strict injunction that he should not communicate a word of the truth to his Highness, but keep him in his error, that I might be kept in my appointment; for I apprehended that my patron, who loved his money, would not chuse the continuance of a considerable expence merely to improve my mind and manners by foreign travel.
THE DUKE, it seems, depended for his intelligence upon one of the DUBLIN Newspapers, called the EVENING-POST. This was his Gazette and his Gospel; and though it is only a compilation of gross misrepresentations and falshoods, he believed in it implicitly. But that indeed is not wonderful, when many who are upon the spot do the same. It may be considered as a sort of reverse to the prophecies of CASSANDRA; it never tells truth, and is believed in general.
THE enemies of IRELAND are certainly much obliged to the Editors of that Paper. It is the real ivory gate of intelligence,
falsa
ad coelum mittens insomnia,
and you might as well look for facts in the Arabian Nights Entertainments. Many of the good people of ENGLAND (that most wise and credulous nation) also put their trust in its authenticity; but that is not so extraordinary; for though there is a constant intercourse between the two islands, and a narrow channel only separates them, the ENGLISH in general know less of the true state of IRELAND than of POLAND, or the Empire of CHINA. I myself saw a respectable Merchant of MANCHESTER who came to DUBLIN in much fear, and as he thought in great peril, upon some business of importance which required his presence, and who seemed surprized not to find the streets barricadoed, and the whole country in a state of rebellion; for the EVENING-POST told him things would be so situated in less than a fortnight.
EXCELLENT consequences result from this misrepresentation on one side, and this credulity on the other. The ENGLISHMAN, brave and open in the field, is cautious in the countinghouse, particularly with men of a certain class in IRELAND, who seem to think they have a sort of natural right to outwit him. His cash gets the cramp when he thinks of sending it among men who laugh at him, and either remains at home, or goes to a distant market, to enrich traders less entitled than his neighbours to any advantage from him. It is computed that IRELAND loses annually at least one hundred thousand pounds by the patriotism of this single Newspaper.
No engine of mischief can perform its functions better. It defames all the respectable characters of the kingdom, and gives every virtue to the vilest. It magnifies the failure of every speculating stock-jobber into universal bankruptcy, and every paltry riot into general insurrection. The spirit of TOM PAINE seems to pervade its paragraphs. Every evening it calls the King a Tyrant, and the Parliament a Nest of corrupt Traitors, bought with the money of the people to betray their interest, and ready to sell themselves and their posterity to the Devil, let him but assume the likeness of a guinea to tempt them. All this and more is accompanied with constant complaints that the Press has lost its Freedom, and that in such despotic times no man dares to speak or publish his sentiments. It reminded me of a Priest I heard preach at Paris against the idle vanities of the world, and who the whole time seemed to be only intent upon displaying to the congregation a diamond ring which he wore upon his little finger.
I LIVED much, as may be supposed, with the Editors and Friends of this admirable Paper, and now and then enriched it with essays and paragraphs well calculated to raise a spirit in the readers, which might be rewarded by the thanks of Colonel TANDY'S corps, or by an honourable appointment under Chief Justice BARRINGTON in the BAY OF BOTANY.
ONE of my Essays in particular was so uncommonly nervous, that MR. ATTORNEY-GENERAL thought proper to take notice of it. The Editor was seized, and immediately gave me up as the Author. I was brought inte Court, and though every man is allowed Counsel, provided he is able to pay for it, having before my eyes neither the sear of GOD nor of bad English, I chose to plead for myself.
I URGED in my defence,
that I was a Patriot, and in what I published had only emulated the noble spirit which appeared in all the publications contained in the same Paper; that I could not conceive that to be an offence which I saw done every day with impunity; that, in a free country, I imagined every man had a right to speak and publish whatever he thought proper; and, lastly, that if I had exceeded a little, the motive was good, and my being a stranger, I supposed, would be considered as a sufficient apology.
THE Court, I must acknowledge, behaved with the utmost lenity. The Judge very mildly told me,
That it was melancholy to consider how much evil resulted daily from unrestrained licentiousness; that the Magistrates were always unwilling to exercise any rigorous authority with which the spirit of a free Constitution found it necessary to invest them; that though the utmost liberty of sentiment and communication was not only permitted but encouraged, yet this was always to be understood as being subject to some decent and necessary restrictions; and that the good order and peace of the community were not to be disturbed by the wild and extravagant notions which an individual might happen to entertain of liberty. However, my being a stranger, as I had pleaded, might possibly have led me into an error; that circumstance would have weight with the Jury, and he would recommend to them not to find me guilty; hoping at the same time that I would be grateful for this lenity, and conduct myself for the future with more discretion.
I MADE a bow, was suffered to withdraw, and thus ended my trial, of which I sent out the following account in the same Paper next evening:
ON Tuesday, between the hours of ten and eleven in the forenoon, six Police-men broke into the house of the Editor of the EVENING-POST, and (by virtue of a warrant) carried off that gentleman, thus torn from the arms of his helpless family, together with a most respectable foreigner, Mr. JAMES BAPTISTE COUTEAU, who was sitting at breakfast with him. They were not suffered to go into a coach, but dragged through the kennel in sight of their indignant and insulted fellow-citizens, and in this condition thrust into the Dock of the Court of King's Bench, unprepared for any sort of defence, to take their trial for a libel. THE Judge behaved in the most indecent manner, foaming at the mouth, loading them with the most abusive language, charging the Jury to find them guilty, and swearing that the Court would take care to sentence them to perpetual imprisonment. Out of respect to the Court we forbear to enter more into particulars. The worthy Jury, however, did their duty, and acquitted them, to the infinite mortification of the Judges, and the inexpressible satisfaction of all present, the Bench excepted. The Hall rung with applauses, the discharged Prisoners were conducted home amidst the shouts and acclamations of their fellow-citizens, the Judges' carriages were broke to pieces as they returned to their houses; and they would probably have lost their lives, but for the assistance of the military, who appeared just in time to save them from the fury of the justly-incensed populace. WE hear a subscription is opened to raise a statue in plaister of Paris, to be placed three steps above that of Dr. LUCAS, on the stairs leading to the Exchange Coffee-house, the inscription to be simply this:—
Public Gratitude erected it to
JAMES BAPTISTE COUTEAU,
Patriot, and Citizen of the Universe. Citizens! to arms!
I TOOK care this Paper should be safely transmitted to his Highness.
AN unforeseen event prevented my knowing the end of this business, and how the Court punished this aggravated offence against its dignity. I might have had this satisfaction without running any hazard, as I had previously secured two Alibi-men (
Doers,
as it is called, of the Paper), to bear me harmless so the penalty would have fallen upon the Editor.
AN Alibi-man is an honest Citizen, always to be found by the petty-foggers of ENGLAND and IRELAND, who extricates you immediately from the danger of a prosecution, by swearing falsely upon the holy Gospels to some circumstance, commonly of locality, which makes it appear impossible you should be guilty of the crime you have committed, and of which you stand specifically indicted. The Alibi-man is applied to many good purposes, particularly to that of saving highwaymen; above half of these gentlemen escaping on their trials by an Alibi.— His organs of sight have this peculiar property, he never sees you where you are, and always sees you where you are not. In short, without stirring from his cellar or garret, he can, if necessary, identify you at thirty leagues distance, and so circumstantially that he leaves no doubt of his veracity on the minds of his hearers. ROBESPIERRE, at my recommendation, invited over a little colony of them to settle at Paris; they have multiplied there greatly, and on many occasions we found them extremely serviceable. They live chiefly upon rice some days before they swear they have not seen you where you are, and use a good deal of cephalic snuff before they swear to have seen you where you was not; thus finding ingeniously a salvo for their consciences in the qualities of these two vegetables, which re supposed to blunt and sharpen the visual faculty. They say, and justly, that if there be any thing to blame, it must be imputed to the rice and snuff, and not to any deficiency in their notions of moral rectitude.
A WAGER which I won, but was never paid, occasioned my leaving Dublin abruptly. My Alibi friends were much employed in endeavouring to write down the new Police Establishment, substituted instead of the old Parish Watch, which had been formerly the nocturnal Guard of the City.
THIS Watch, as it was called, consisted of decrepid old men, who slept generally the best part of the night in a wooden centry-box, and when they happened to be awake, crawled about, disturbing the repose of persons who had a right to be asleep, by thumping against the street-door with the end of their poles, and howling out the hour in a kind of ominous voice, which seemed to be composed of the melody of the ass, the owl, and the raven. So far from imparting any idea of security to Housekeepers by this sort of noisy vigilance, they only reminded them, in case of danger, how little they were to be depended upon. The Police pretty well answered the purpose for which they were established, and their being besides countenanced by the Government and Magistrates were sufficient reasons for the
Doers
of the EVENING-POST to carry on hostilities against them.
Two or three of these gentlemen describing them to me as a formidable guard, able-bodied men, armed with a firelock and bayonet, I laid a bowl of punch against twenty folio volumes of the EVENING-POST, which they assured me was a great curiosity, and the only collection of that Paper extant, that I would that night kill one of these bugbears, and sleep unmolested afterwards, and they might be eye-witnesses of it. After a few glasses of brandy, at the
Cap of Liberty,
in
Fetter-lane,
we left our liquor to determine the wager.
ON one of the quays I came close up to one of the nightly Guard. I asked him what was the hour, and while he was looking up at the moon, which perhaps he mistook for the sun, to give me an answer, I struck my dagger into his throat, and down he tumbled. His station happened to be near the corner of a street; the noise of his arms clattering on the pavement made five or six passengers hasten towards the spot, who, seeing the dead body, immediately roared out, "Police" and "Murder".
As my two Alibi companions had not perhaps lately prepared themselves with rice or cephalic snuff, I thought it safer to trust to my heels than to their testimony. With the speed which fear and self-preservation lent me, I soon outstripped my pursuers. I ran along the quays, and luckily found a boat just ready to put off with a few passengers, who were to be conveyed down the river to a trading vessel which was at the moment, with a gentle breeze in her favour, sailing out of the harbour.
I SOON mounted to the deck, and, like MARY STUART while the coast of FRANCE receded from her view, looking back upon DUBLIN, "Farewell, says I,
dear City! with thy good-natured gentry, thy noble public buildings, and thy beautiful ladies; with thy low-back'd cars instead of waggons; thy five coffeehouses; thy two steeples, and not one church handsome enough for the meanest of thy suburbs. Adieu, happy DUBLIN! with thy fourteen hundred lawyers (above eight hundred of which are attornies), with thy abundance of provisions, and thy exorbitant markets! with thy shops better furnished than thy warehouses, and thy fresh fish floundering in the mud of thy kennels! Farewell! Adieu for ever! I must venture; for, probably, I should be hanged only for killing a Policeman.
CHAP. XII.
REASONS FOR MY REGRET AT LEAVING DUBLIN.—VINDICATION OF MY IMPIETY.—ACCOUNT OF THE CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP'S WEAKNESS. —CERTAIN METHOD OF WINNING AT CARDS.—KINGS AND QUEENS AT CARDS DEPOSED BY THE ADJUTANT-GENERAL.—EXPELLED FROM BOSTON FOR ATTEMPTING TO REFORM IT.
SUCH was the precipitation with which I fled from the hue and cry that pursued me, and such the satisfaction I felt at finding myself out of dauger, that our ship had made several leagues at sea before I thought of asking where I was to be landed.— Her destination it seems was for the port of Boston in AMERICA.
KNOWING that Country was lately become Republican (a form of Government of which I then entertained very favourable, though, as I afterwards found, very erroneous notions), I felt no regret at finding myself obliged to pay it an unintended visit.
THE manner in which I left DUBLIN affected me considerably, not from any sense of remorse at having killed a Police-man—such a trifle could make no impression on me—but the loss of my appointment was a serious matter. I had before me, besides, the prospect of an honourable independency, which I was obliged to relinquish, by the unlucky issue of the accident related in the preceding chapter.
MR. JUDAS my Banker was particularly kind to me. Besides a general invitation to his house, where I was always received like one of the family, his friendship I found convenient in several respects; principally, indeed, as it gave me the fairest opportunity of having an intrigue with his wife, or of running away with his daughter.— The attention shewn me by both these ladies, much exceeding the ordinary limits of hospitable politeness, put both easily in my power; and though I was some time a little perplexed as to an option, I resolved finally to disappoint neither. Their persons being equally disgusting, a single shekel more or less on one side than the other would have immediately determined my preference. Mrs. JUDAS had a large command of ready money, of which I could always possess myself, either by my own address, or the old lady's fondness, and Mr. NEBUCHODONEZER PISGAH, maternal uncle to Miss MUSHI, had left the young one a considerable fortune, in bonds, jewels, pawns, and balm of Gilead, independent of the power of any of the family.
THE partiality the good Banker felt for me originated, in a great measure, from a mistake. He was himself a rigid observer of the Law of MOSES, and soon discovering me not to be a Christian, he imagined I was inclined to be a Jew. This is a common error. A man finds you not of the religion of your country, or of that where he happens to meet you, so he wrongly concludes that you may be of his, or of some other persuasion; whereas it would be more reasonable to suppose that you are of no religion,
Nullius addictus jur are in verba magistri.
No man can possibly prevent the mistaken notions which may be formed of him; and though I should be ashamed to admit any religious sentiment, I can by no means be answerable for what weakness others (especially such as don't know me intimately) may think proper to impute to me. Against such unfounded calumnies I shall not enter into a serious vindication, nor shall I say, as the English Bishop WARBURTON to a supposed defamer of his moral character,
Mentiris impudentissime;
but I shall answer boldly,
Look at my life, and there read your refutation.
— But enough, perhaps, on this subject; let me only just add, that I have not concealed such weaknesses as I know are in my nature, but I may sasely assert that an addiction to any sort of superstition or holy reverence was never among the number.
As the vessel we sailed in was large, and not crowded with passengers, I did not find it necessary to dispose of any of them, as I had done of the Smuggler from Dunkirk. The Master of the ship, an ENGLISHMAN, was a heavy sort of being, who seemed to mind little more than the navigation of the vessel, keeping her wholesome, the failors regular, and taking care the passengers should be well supplied with every thing they had a right to expect from him. I conceived a mean opinion of his understanding, from knowing that he read the Bible every morning alone for near a quarter of an hour, and that for more than twice that time the ship's company were obliged to listen to it every Sunday.
I ATTEMPTED to rally him upon this weakness, but to no purpose. He had some whimsical notions about the Bible; said it was his rudder and compass; that without it he should not have known in steering which was right or wrong, to tack to larboard or starboard; that it was the true log-book, where he kept his soul's reckoning; many a chart had failed him, but that never had; and that he verily believed it had more than once saved him from drowning.
I OFFERED to lay him a wager, that let him take any man of the ship who could not swim, and throw him overboard with the Bible tied round his neck, and he would soon go to the bottom in spite of that amulet. "YOUNG Man," he answered,
there are subjects enough for merriment, without making a jest of the Bible.
PRETENDING to be affected by what he said, and to have some respect for his folly, at times I borrowed it from him, and it answered a very good purpose; for, becoming better acquainted with it, I was better enabled to quote and to laugh at it. Many men venture to do both, without having read one chapter.
HAD I not been copper-bottomed against the worm of superstition, I might perhaps have felt some little degree of reverence for the Captain's holy log-book, for two or three times we met with fierce storms, and were in great peril; insomuch that all on board, myself among the number, were petrified with terror, except the Scripture-believing Captain—he alone kept the deck, firm, composed, and undaunted, and there is reason to think, from his presence of mind, that he saved us all from perishing. He was a native of NORFOLK—his name WYNDHAM.
WHEN the weather was tolerable, this honest Believer, myself, and two others, used to make a party at whist for two or three hours in the evening, and I was always successful; for which I should have been thankful to Fortune, had I not constantly taken care to put the event out of her power. My adversaries were much more surprised than I was, at finding they could never win a single rubber. Whenever I dealt, which I often did out of my turn, I took care to give myself and my partner three or four kings and queens, and to convey an ace or two from the hands against us, instead of an equal number of duces or threes from my own. A looker-on, a stranger to whist, would never have imagined that we played with the same pack of cards, which ought to have been dealt promiscuously, but that the game consisted in our holding all the high cards, and our adversaries the small. By such necessary precautions, had there been a superiority of skill on the opposite side, I could have suffered no great disadvantage from it.
IT is not perhaps universally known, that in our rage for pulling down Sovereigns, and equalizing all human things, we not only dethroned our own King and Queen, but that the Kings of Spades, Clubs, Hearts, and Diamonds, with their Royal Consorts, shared the samefate. If any FRENCHMAN, especially an Aristocrate, were now to presume to call these
ci-devant
Kings by any other title than Citizen Spade, Citizen Club, Heart, or Diamond, and the former Queens by any other name than that of Wife to any of the aforesaid Citizens, he would be denounced to the Convention, and lose his head by the guillotine on a scaffold.
THIS refinement of Civicism we owe originally to the minute but meritorious attention of our Adjutant-General PUTHOD. Willing that he should not lose the honour due to so great a Reformation in the State, I have taken extracts from his letter on this important subject, published in the PARIS CHRONICLE of 8 December 1792, in the first year of the Republic. Let Kings and Queens tremble while they read it. The Kings and Queens of Spades indeed, and their Royal Colleagues, will not affect indifference to it, and probably it will have more effect on the other Crowned Heads of the universe. On the subject of Cards thus writes our Adjutant-General
These are real extracts from a paper signed PUTHOD, Adjutant-General, and published as mentioned in the text. Such absurd affectation and pedantry are hardly credible. Who but a FRENCH Republican could be capable of them?
:
WHAT do I not suffer at present from that amusement! it makes me quarrel with the pretty women.— One hears for ever, "I have got the King—I have got the Queen."— As I feel myself offended at these denominations, I express my disgust at it. The good people of FRANCE being resolved to have Kings and Queens no longer in their Government, why should they suffer them in their Games? Let us be Republicans even in our sports. After we have manifested the greatest rage and hatred against the King and Queen, while we are labouring by all possible means to prejudice the Public Mind and their Judges against them, at this critical moment when their fair Trials are depending, with what consistency can we at the same time sit down to a game where we shew such fondness for Kings and Queens, nay where we pique ourselves upon the advantages we gain by Royal Artifice and Royal Despotism?— There should be some Reform, some substitution.
(Signed) PUTHOD,
Adjutant-General.
To shew that the vigilant delicacy of this eminent Republican was not in vain; there being a Royal Owl, a Royal Eagle, and a Royal Tyger, in the
Menagerie
at Chantilly, I myself moved in full Convention, and it was unanimously voted, that they should be immediately equalized; and they are now called Citizen Owl, Citizen Eagle, and Citizen Tyger, and we hear from the Keepers that they seem to be very well reconciled to it.— This also was a considerable Reformation.
WITH respect to Cards, we must acknowledge, that Kings and Queens, though not to be tolerated upon Thrones, are in a hand at Whist very serviceable, and that whether they may be called Kings and Queens, or simply Citizens and their Wives, it is best to have them. I know no better way of doing it than that which I have already mentioned. I learned the secret from an ingenious Citizen Juggler, called BRESLAW.
BY such dexterity I not only contrived to win enough to defray the charges of my passage, but to pay all my expences during my short continuance at BOSTON, where, after a rough and sometimes and dangerous voyage of near seven weeks, we found ourselves safely landed.
AT my entrance into the town, I expected to meet with some immediate indications of that happy species of Government which the AMERICANS had lately adopted; to see some houses on fire, others given up to pillage; Politicians in every Coffee-house finding fault with the Magistrates, and new-modelling the Constitution—in short, to see the free spirit of liquor and licentiousness acting their vagaries every-where. The aspect of things was very different. An air of stillness and quiet, almost to melancholy, struck a damp into my spirits; few people in the streets, and these either carrying burdens, or walking soberly about their business; no houses on fire, and hardly a word of politics or Reformation mentioned. Our prose Poet FENELON's description of ancient TYRE may be applied to BOSTON:
ONE could not meet there, as in other Cities, inquisitive and idle people, who strolled about to public places, asking after news, or gaping at strangers who happened to arrive in the harbour. The men were employed either in unloading their vessels, in transporting their merchandize, or in making bargains; in arranging their warehouses, or in taking an exact account of the debts due to them by foreign merchants. The women were not less industrious in occupations suitable to their sex and ingenuity.
WHAT was to be done? To think of reforming this place by myself was a vain imagination. It occurred to me that in a town containing fourteen or fifteen thousand people, notwithstanding appearances to the contrary, there must be some latent sparks of discontent, and that the disciples of TOM PAINE would be well inclined to lend their breath with mine to blow them up to the glorious flame of outrage and commotion.
I WAS not mistaken. It was not difficult to find what I wanted. I soon made acquaintance with half a dozen PAINEITES, whose vinegar aspects were immediately distinguishable. Being poor, speculative, and idle, I found them of course full of discontent, and abounding with theories of Reformation. Their system indeed generally went no further than to the unsettling whatever was established, which they illustrated by describing certain machines, where if you pull out the principal pins the whole work falls at once to pieces. They proved very ingeniously that men could never be judges of their own happiness; that such as were satisfied with what was called the liberty allowed by the necessary regulations of civilized society, were actually in a state of slavery; and that those who did not rise upon their rulers could never be considered as philosophers, or deserve the thanks of remote posterity, which was a much more rational object than securing the welfare of the existing generation.
THESE were men exactly suited to my purposes. We went into Coffeehouses, and began by endeavouring to depreciate the merits of General WASHINGTON. We complained that, under a Government called Republican, he was invested with more power and authority than the Laws of ENGLAND allowed to the King of GREAT-BRINTAIN. What could be more tame and despicable than the regularity and decorum of public worship, when men who did not srequent churches or meeting-houses, and who scoffed at religion, so far from being respected for it, were held rather in less esteem than those who said their prayers, and complied with the insipid forms of established orthodoxy? At the end of discourses of this nature we looked round at the byestanders, and were not a little disappointed to perceive that they either regarded us with contempt, or walked off from the place without condescending to enter into any argument with us.
AFTER about a week passed in this manner, my door was one morning opened by a plain formal-looking man dressed in brown, who, with very little ceremony, informed me, he was come, by command of the Assembly, to order me to leave BOSTON immediately; that a ship was to sail from thence for PORT L'ORIENT next day; that money would be surnished for my expences to any part of FRANCE on my landing; and that had it not been for their respect for my country, to which they thought themselves obliged on a late occasion, my intemperance of tongue would have been rewarded by imprisonment or the pillory. "In this manner," he added,
were we obliged to dismiss that mischievous coxcomb PAINE, whose jargon, it seemeth, friend! thou hast adopted.
I ANSWERED with spirit,
that I would take their money, though I despised it; and that they deserved to be lest in their ignorance, for not knowing how to treat their benefactors
FROM such benefactors as thee," replied he,
good LORD deliver us! But come thou no more into AMERICA or worse will betide thee!
So saying, he adjusted his beaver, and, with the stiffness of a brown post set in motion, stalked out of the chamber. To shew my indifference, I clapped the door two or three times loudly after him, and hummed a tune called "Yankee Doodle."
IN less than half an hour I was conducted to a boat, between two constables, and safely deposited on board
The Friendly Reception.
My passage from BOSTON was so like my navigation to it, that a minute detail of particulars could not entertain my readers. For more than a month I had little amusement except what I could sind in cheating at cards, and heartily cursing all the AMERICANS by Stripes, by Provinces, and Individuals, from General WASHINGTON downwards, not forgetting my Automaton in brown who denounced to me my expulsion from AMERICA.
CHAP. XIII.
ROBESPIERRE GIVES ME AN ACCOUNT OF THE DUKE OF ORLEANS AND OF OTHER FRIENDS.—VISIT TOM PAINE.—HIS EMPLOYMENT.— GOOD EFFECTS OF HIS PAMPHLETS. —VISIT LONDON AS AN HUMBLE FRIEND TO THE MARQUIS OF FAUXJEU.—CHARACTER OF THE MARQUIS.—ENGAGeD AT THE TEMPLE OF HEALTH WITH DOCTOR GRAHAM.—DIVIDE WITH MY MASTER THE CONTENTS OF HIS STRONG-BOX.—RETURN TO FRANCE.
ISPENT not an hour at Port L'Orient more than was necessary to receive the money promised me for my travelling expences, and to hire a good chaise to convey me to Paris. While the BOSTONIAN was counting out the cash, I was employed in whistling "Yankee Doodle," and in cursing CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS for having discovered AMERICA. The Puritan looked at me with disdain, but only answered that I was a foul-mouthed ruffian, beneath the notice of any thing in a human shape except the hangman.
ON my arrival at Paris I learned from ROBESPIERRE, who was just released from prison, where he had left MARAT in consinement for three months longer, that the first Prince of the Blood had been for some time in London.
"HE is gone there," says he,
with one of those fine projects which get into his head like infected people into a pest-house, because they will be no where else admitted; and what think you is it? No less than to persuade the Ministers of ENGLAND to begin another war with FRANCE, promising to deliver into their hands Brest and Brittany, provided they will engage to assist him in deposing our King LOUIS, and raising his Most Serene Highness to the throne instead of him. Now pray observe with proper respect, the abundance of absurdities with which this scheme is pregnant. First, our patron is neither assured of the disaffection of the people of Brittany, nor of the disloyalty of the Governors of that Province; and the whole Marine hold him in contempt for his cowardce, of which too many of them have been witnesses. After having behaved ill at sea, he resolved to wash out the memory of his disgrace on one element, by shewing he could be more frightened upon another; but you know the epigrams, and his poltroonery is a trite topic. His Balloon expedition only served to fix the seal to his former character. A fearful man may have a hundred good qualities, but he ought not to attempt to be a hero. So much for his ground in FRANCE! As to ENGLAND, the people there were tired of the last war long before its conclusion, and are but just beginning to respire from it: besides, to speak sincerely, I believe that nation is still so infected with the old vulgar exploded notions of good faith, honour, and loyalty, that I am persuaded, notwithstanding the provocation we have given them to retaliate, they would foolishly scorn to avail themselves of any advantage over our country by what they would weakly call baseness and treachery. As to you, my dear and most respectable friend! the DUKE having left no provision for you, and to beg or work being beneath a Gentleman, you must of course, you know, either rob or starve. Should you be detected in the former, we have now no ORLEANS present to save you from the wheel or the gibbet; but while I am your conductor—
Teucro duce, et auspice Teucro,
— fear nothing. A PARTICULAR friend of mine, the MARQUIS OF FAUXJEU, sets out immediately for LONDON, and wants a companion and valet-de-chambre to attend him. I will recommend you. The MARQUIS has as good a right to his rank as half the titles in Paris; that is to say, though he has no estate, he has letters of nobility written by himself, and he makes as creditable an appearance by the sums he wins by cards and loaded dice, as any landlord in FRANCE by the revenue of his mills, his corn, or his vineyards. Three years ago the MARQUIS was a Pastry-cook at Amiens, and but yesterday he dined upon another Cook's
patés
at COMTE D'ARTOIS' table. The MARQUIS finds the Police here are beginning to grow a little peery about him, and as there is nothing he dislikes more than answering impertinent questions, he is determined to fet off to-morrow for another kingdom, where there is less curiosity and more money. As he knows I am acquainted with his history, he can refuse me nothing, so make ready for your journey.— He will play his own cards in London, and we need not wish him good fortune, for he always carries that Goddess about with him in his pocket. I am certain you will be very happy together, and when you have leisure I shall be glad to hear that you are so.
I THANKED the Nephew of DAMIEN, and then made some enquiries about our friends, particularly about the Members of our Subterraneous Society.
"ALAS!" answered he,
of most of them I can only say as TULLY did of the CATILINARIANS, "they lived;" their God, the Devil, played false with them; their noble bones are still preserved in iron, but you must ask the kites and ravens what is become of the rest of their carcases.
"BRAVE Souls!" cried I;
they died no doubt as men should do; no whining, no repentance.
"No," says MENTOR,
quales ab incepto,
all drunk, cursing the priests who attended them, jesting with the crucifix, and denying the facts for which they suffered. I saw the execution of most of them, and should have been present at them all; but unluckily I was obliged just at the time to attend my own trial for twoor three forgeries, and should have shared their fate, had not the interest of the good DUKE saved me.
"FORTUNATE enough!" says I; "and is PAINE hanged too?"
"NOT yet," replied MENTOR;
but though as yet he has only brought his friends to the gallows, he is I think scribbling his own way to it with great certainty. Whenever he dies, he will be found, not, like his hero CATILINE,
inter hostium
but
inter amicorum cadavera,
for his pen is likely to be as fatal to his partizans, as the sword of that gallant ROMAN was to his enemies. But farewel! I have business.— Should you get to speak with the DUKE in LONDON, try to hasten him over, for you may assure him from me that things here are drawing to a crisis.
BEING resolved to pay a visit to TOM PAINE before I waited upon the MARQUIS, I detained MENTOR for a moment to get a direction to the former's garret, and then we parted.
I FOUND TOM's habitation in one of the dirtiest Quays of Paris. The situation might have pleased HORACE, that great Lyric Poet, for there was nothing to prevent his striking his sublime head against the stars but a decayed roof of lath and plaister. This great Theorist was sitting cross-legged on a deal-board, and when I entered was working intently at a pair of blue canvass jumps. His board was strewed over with thread, tape, whalebone, scissars, parchment measures, a bit of chalk, a bit of bees wax, and a thimble. Among these implements of his occupation I saw a pen and ink, and an ENGLISH Spelling-book, and several pieces of coarse ill-coloured paper, serawled over with different titles; such as, "Common Sense," "Rights of Man", "Letter to DOCTOR PRIESTLEY", "TO LORD S"—", and many others, written so indistinctly that I could not read them.
HE received me rather kindly, invited me to sit by him on the board, and shook me by the hand as a brother-member of the Club of Demigods. As I could speak English, and he shewed no unwillingness to talk of his own affairs, we conversed for above half an hour very freely.
IT gave me some small degree of concern to hear that his situation was upon the whole very uncomfortable. The DUKE OF ORLEANS, he told me, allowed him a small pension, but it was so ill paid as to be hardly worth his acceptance: his writings, he said, brought him in but little; for what with paying a kind of a scholar to take care of the spelling and grammar, and another for translating them into the French language, a small pittance indeed came to his portion. His best reliance was upon his needle—the women of the neighbourhood liked his work, and though he seldom made a pair of stays, he had a good deal to do in the way of mending.
"BUT", added he;
the good effects which I see produced by my writings console me for everything. Before the people of this quarter began to study my pamphlets, they were the most thoughtless, chearful, happy beings imaginable. They eat their
soupe
with a good appetite, and, as DOCTOR GOLDSMITH says, "Trimmed their robes of frieze with copper lace", sung, danced, and chattered without ceasing; but not so now—they neglect their dress, sleep ill, quarrel with their neighbours, envy the rich, abuse their King, and hate the Clergy. In short, they are become so morose, so speculative, and so melancholy, that they find now no relish in any thing. Hardly a week passes that three or sour don't throw themselves into the river, and the gaol is of late twice as full of prisoners as was ever before remembered. This you see, my friend, is the way to turn a nation of monkies into a nation of philosophers; and when society is, as it ought to be, brought back to a state of nature; when the lordly savage Man, is again his own master, without any restraint from laws divine or human upon his appetites, then I say, let not TOM PAIE be forgotten
HERE he ended, and we rose from the board together. I slipped into his hand a piece of six livres. Observing he had no shirt, I promised that evening to send him a couple, assuring him I could do it without any inconvenience, as I always for the suture intended to wear my Master's. He thanked me, sat down again to his needle, and I repaired to the lodgings of my new master.
THERE could hardly be imagined a greater contrast than between the ENGLISH Philosopher's garret and the apartment of the FRENCH MARQUIS. All was misery in the former, and in the latter all was magnificence.
WHEN I was ushered in to his Lordship, I found him under the hands of his Hair-dresser, studying a little treatise upon the calculation of chances. He started a little at seeing me (an impression which the first sight of my figure often occasions), but soon recollected himself; and upon hearing my name, "Aye, aye," says he,
you are the young man for whom MONSIEUR DE ROBESPIERRE interests himself; that is sufficient. But come, take the comb from PICARD, and let us see a little of your performance.
I DID as he ordered me, and used PICARD'S instrument so much less like a comb than a harrow, that the MARQUIS, bending and groaning beneath it, was soon obliged to cry out for mercy, and PICARD finished the operation.
As I looked a little disconcerted, he told me it was no great matter; I was to consider myself rather as his companion than his servant; though I could not dress hair, I understood English, which to him was of more consequence; and many a man could make a cake who could not make a pasty.
UPON better acquaintance with the MARQUIS, I found all his conversation tinctured with his two vocations, the Pastry-cook and the Gamester.— When he was in danger of being detected by cheating at play too openly, he used to say,
That he had like to have overheated the oven;
or,
Make the crust brown, but don't burn it.
When I flattered him (as I often did) too grossly, the reproof was,
Too much sugar in a tart is as bad as too much acid.
All his vexations were typified by ill luck at play—such as, "Lurch him at four"—
He had rather lose a louis d'or to a livre
—
May I be found out at a renounce with the game in my hand,
and such like; so that an observer might soon discover the Man of Fashion and the Marquis were but assumed characters, and the Cook and the Gamester were the real. Upon the whole, however, he was good-tempered; had much the appearance of a Gentleman; and, like the COMTE DE GRAMMONT, except that he always cheated at cards and dice, was a Man of strict Honour.
As his trunks were already all fastened to the chaise with his heavy baggage, the keys of which he delivered to me at night, we had nothing to do but to throw ourselves into the vehicle next morning. We set off from Paris with two servants mounted, and four horses to our carriage; and, lolling at our ease, bespattered many a
Croix de St. Louis,
whose whole yearly income would not have been sufficient to defray the expences of the MARQUIS to Calais.
HE stepped into the chaise with a small box under his arm, which he said contained his fortune;
and that Pye, small as it looked, was better worth opening than all the rest put together.
—This short characteristic encomium immediately excited an appetite in me to taste the contents of it; and the poor MARQUIS found to his cost, not very long afterwards, that I knew how to relish a good thing as well as himself, though I was not like him bred a Pastry-cook.
AFTER we got to Calais, four hours and a half carried us from our own country into a better. It is strange that the separation of a few leagues of salt water should make such a difference between two nations. It is not such a difference as you are made sensible of by comparing and close examination, but it is such as strikes you immediately, and which you can't avoid perceiving.
THE language of the two people is not more unlike than their features, complexions, manners, dress, and diet. Their carriages, their cattle, their habitations—nay, their very fields are different. Many things are flimsy in FRANCE, most things are solid in ENGLAND. Vanity predominates in the former, and in the latter pride. A FRENCHMAN displays his consequence, an ENGLISHMAN conceals it. The human face, which in general is brown with us, seems to have been washed fair in ALBION. Our Ladies have taught those of ENGLAND how to converse, and in return may learn from them in many points female delicacy and decorum. Without half the vivacity of FRENCH Women, the ENGLISH have a deeper sensibility, and more purity in their thoughts and manners. Our cattle are small, lean, and feeble—theirs are large, fat, and vigorous. FRENCH vehicles are ill constructed, heavy, and rumbling—those of ENGLAND are compact, light, strong, and excellently finished. Imposition is pretty common in both countries; but an ENGLISHMAN pockets your money as if you was paying his demand, a FRENCHMAN as if you was conferring an obligation. They may beat us, or we may beat them, but the two nations will never assimilate.
As a ready-furnished house, at the Court end of the town, was secured for the self-ennobled Pastry-cook before his arrival, we had little more to do than to take possession of it. The MARQUIS was soon visited by several of the fraternity, who brought with them some young ENGLISH Noblemen, and Gentlemen of rank and fashion, their pockets well lined with cash, and their breasts entirely free from suspicion. His eyes glistened at the sight of them, I considered them as fowl ready for the market, and my Master with his associates as the forestallers.
MOST Gamesters, especially FRENCHMEN, are Beaus. The MARQUIS was one of the best dressed men in London, and I was as well dressed as my Master. With respect to cloaths, I was
alter et idem
; for whatever he took off on one day, I wore on the next. If you wished to know how the MARQUIS was dressed on Monday, it was only to look at me on Tuesday; and it must be acknowledged, I made a very respectable appearance. I took care that my Master, the only person probably who would not have approved of my toilette, should not see it, so I avoided his unseasonable criticisms.
AFTER the description I have given of my countenance, and of the stern ferocity of my temper, the World, no doubt, will be surprised to hear of my being inlisted in the service of the Ladies, and of my having made no small figure in the annals of Intrigue. I speak not of the erratic Venus of
St. Giles,
the delight and scourge of the district; nor of those night-wandering Nymphs, those yielding Dryads of the
Park,
who shun the faithless light of lamps, and hide their charms under friendly shades and in mysterious bowers—with such I should have had few rivals; such adventures shall not debase my records; but without more presace I will acquaint my reader with the circumstances which led me to unexpected honours in the field of gallantry.
I HAPPENED to be in London exactly at the time the celebrated DOCTOR GRAHAM opened his TEMPLE OF HEALTH in
Pall-mall.
This incomprehensible Mountebank acquired a very respectable livelihood by giving edisying Lectures and admirable Experiments in the mystical science of population. The Lectures of this worthy Professor were well attended, but the Experiments much better. Ill-treated or neglected Wives went in crowds to the DOCTOR, to get a remedy against spleen and vapours. Sometimes it was a Lady of Quality, who had not yet the happiness to bring her Right Honourable Bodkin of a Husband an heir to his estate and titles. Sometimes it was the gentle timorous Housekeeper of a brutal Citizen. As the felicity of her sensual Good-man consisted either in gormandizing turtle, or in guzzling porter with a Club of Cuckolds like himself, and as, to close the domestic scene, he only snored away the night by her fair side, his tender Helpmate was compelled by necessity to seek for such consolation as the TEMPLE OF HEALTH could furnish. Besides these already mentioned, came in a shoal of unblushing MESSALINAS, under no such fair pretence or colour as the titled Dame, or the yielding Shopkeeper from
Threadneedle-street.
ONE morning I happened to cast my eye over the DOCTOR's Prospectus, and having already experienced some mortifications in my progress as a pickpocket, while my abilities to add to the number of his Majesty's subjects remained untried, I resolved to offer my services at the TEMPLE.
BEING well dressed, and assuring myself that the Herculean vigour of my muscles would get the better of the singular hideousness of my countenance, I strolled with a disengaged air to the edifice erected to rationalized incontinence.
THOUGH I am persuaded the DOCTOR's learning did not go beyond
Propria quae Maribus,
he had decorated his door with a GREEK motto. While I was looking at this, and endeavouring to expound it, the porter perceived me, and opening the door, "That is Greek, my good friend," says he,
you are knocking your head against there: I believe you will find it too hard for you.
I was of the same opinion—so stepping forward, I told him at once my business.— Instead of answering me, the varlet laughed in my face, and was going to shut the door upon me; but I prevented it by seizing him stoutly by the collar, and tumbling him down upon the pavement.
THE noise of this scuffle brought the DOCTOR down suddenly; who, hearing my explanation, admired my strength, approved of my intentions, and engaged me in his service.
To be sure,
says he,
your countenance is not very attractive; but there is an air of Sons and Daughters in your appearance, which with a little good management, may serve to procure you a decent livelihood.
IT was agreed between us that I should return to the TEMPLE about twilight, at which time he insormed me the mysteries began to be celebrated. Before I left him, I was not a little surprised when, opening the door of a closet, he shewed me a number of beautisul masques for males and females. The substance on which they were painted was of a tenuity lighter than the finest gauze, with apertures for the eyes, mouth, and nostrils. He shewed me how to sasten one of them on, and when I looked in the glass, I became almost enamoured of myself, like another NARCISSUS.
"By this device," says he,
besides the advantage of concealment to persons of very nice sentiment and delicacy, who frequent this place to make Experiments, you see we assist Nature. We conceal where she has played the stepmother, and all is displayed to the best advantage where she has been bountisul.
IN this place I can't avoid expressing a wish that many Ladies wom I have seen, both in FRANCE and in ENGLAND, would adopt the DOCTOR's method of assisting Nature, instead of plaistering themselves as they now do with white lead and cinnabar. Besides that the masque is no way prejudicial to health, it is put on or taken off in a moment; it has no offensive odour; and it is no more an imposition than the other artificial crust which is so much in fashion. That Homeliness should use such artifice is not extraordinary; but that Beauty, as we often see, should have recourse to it, is indeed unaccountable.
WITH the DOCTOR'S masque and my own muscles, perhaps it is not necessary to assure the Public that I assisted at an infinite number of Experiments. Two Gentlemen from the town of ATHLONE in IRELAND excepted, I may venture to say, without vanity, that I was the savourite of the TEMPLE. How many families at both ends of the town may have been obliged to me for those pretty little prattling cherubs always so endearing to their supposed fathers, I can't pretend exactly to determine; the number certainly must be considerable.
At length, however, I began to grow disgusted with variety, and attached myself principally to one votary, who brought me devotion and money in abundance. One would have imagined that this kind Matron had taken upon herself alone the population of a whole parish, so insatiable was her appetite for Experiments. All the money she could wheedle or steal from her Cuckold came into my hands constantly. But great as were our resources, our expences were still greater.
AT last it became necessary for me to look into the contents of the favourite little Pasty of the unsuspecting MARQUIS. I was pleased to find in it what susficiently justified the Owner's partiality. I made a division with him. To myself I appropriated, what might be called the most savoury part, about four hundred guineas in rouleaus; all the notes, to a very considerable amount, upon different Bankers in London; two pair of loaded dice; and all the rings with real diamonds, with all the other jewels. I did not even touch several packs of cards properly made up for his purpose, further than just to look if there was any thing valuable under them; I left him all the rings and jewels with false stones, many in number and some very pretty, and eight pair of loaded dice—so that I did not deprive him of the means to recruit his fortune at least as honourably as he had acquired it.
BIDDING then an eternal adieu to both my Masters, the Pastry-cook and the Mountebank; to PALL-MALL, the TEMPLE, and the MATRONS—and staying only to change my notes with the different Bankers, I popped myself into a post-chaise, and found myself next day restored to my dear native country.
END OF THE FIRST VOLUME.