LEWIS BABOON
Turned Honest, AND JOHN BULL POLITICIAN. Being The FOURTH PART
OF Law is a Bottomless-Pit.
Printed from a Manuscript found in the Cabinet of the famous Sir
Humphry Polesworth:
And Publish'd, (as well as the Three former Parts and
Appendix
) by the Author of the NEW ATALANTIS.
LONDON:
Printed for
John Morphew,
near,
Stationers-Hall.
1712. Price 6d.
THE PREFACE.
WHEN I was first call'd to the Office of Historiographer to
John Bull,
he express'd himself to this purpose:
Sir
Humphry,
I know you are a plain Dealer; it is for that Reason I have chosen you for this important Trust; speak the Truth, and spare not.
That I might fulfil those his honourable Intentions, I obtain'd Leave to
repair
to, and attend him in his most secret Retirements; and I put the Journals of all Transactions into a strong Box, to be open'd at a fitting Occasion, after the manner of the Historiographers of some Eastern Monarchs: This I thought was the safest way; tho' I declare I was never afraid to be
chop'd
by my Master for telling of Truth. It is from those Journals that my Memoirs are compil'd: Therefore let not Posterity, a thousand Years hence, look for Truth in the voluminous Annals of Pedants, who are entirely ignorant of the secret Springs of great Actions; if they do, let me tell them, they will be
Nebus'd.
With incredible Pains have I endeavour'd to copy the several Beauties of the ancient and modern Historians; the impartial Temper of
Herodotus,
the Gravity, Austerity, and strict Morals of
Thucidides,
the extensive Knowledge of
Xenophon,
the Sublimity and Grandeur of
Titus Livius,
and to avoid the careless Stile of
Polybius:
I have borrow'd considerable Ornaments from
Dionysius Halicarnasseus
and
Diodorus Siculus:
The
specious Gilding
of
Tacitus
I endeavour'd to shun.
Mariana, Davila,
and
Fra. Paulo,
are those amongst the Moderns whom I thought most worthy of Imitation; but I cannot be so disingenuous, as not to own the infinite Obligations I have to the
Pilgrim's Progress
of
John Bunyan,
and the
Tenter Belly
of the Reverend
Joseph Hall.
From such Encouragement and Helps, it is easy to guess to what a degree of Perfection I might have brought this great Work, had it not been nip'd in the Bud by some illiterate People in both Houses of Parliament, who envying the great Figure I was to make in future Ages, under Pretence of raising Money for the War, have padlock'd all those very Pens that were to celebrato the Actions of their Heroes, by silencing at once the whole Ʋ niversity of
Grubstreet.
I am perswaded, that nothing but the Prospect of an approaching Peace could have encourag'd them to make so bold a step. But suffer me, in the Name of the rest of the Matriculates of that famous Ʋ niversity, to ask them some plain Questions: Do they think that Peace will bring along with it the Golden Age? Will there be never a Dying-Speech of a Traitor? Are
Cethegus
and
Cataline
turn'd so tame, that there will be no opportunity to cry about the Streets,
Dangerous Plot?
Will Peace bring such Plenty, that no Gentleman will have occasion to go upon the Highway, or break into a House? I am sorry that the World should be so much impos'd upon by the Dreams of a
False Prophet,
as to imagine the
Millennium
is at hand. O
Grubstreet!
thou fruitful Nursery of tow'ring Genius's! how do I lament thy Downfall? Thy Ruin could never be meditated by any who means well to
English
Liberty: No modern
Lycaeum
will ever equal thy Glory, whether in soft Pasiorals, thou sung the Flames of pamper'd Apprentices and coy Cook-Maids, or mournful Ditties of departing Lovers; or if to
Maeonian
Sirains thou rais'd thy Voice, to record the Stratageies, the arduous Exploits, and the nocturnal Scalade of needy Heroes, the Terror of your peaceful Citizen, describing the powerful
Betty,
or the artful
Picklock,
or the secret Caverns and Grotto's of
Vulcan
sweating at his Forge, and slamping the Queens Image on viler Metals, which he retails for Beef, and Pots of Ale; or if thou wert content in simple Narrative to relate the cruel Acts of implacable Revenge, or the Complaints of ravish'd Virgins, blushing to tell their Adventure before the listening Crowd of City Damsels, whilst in thy faithful History thou intermingles the gravest Counsels and the purest Morals: Nor less acute and piercing wert thou in thy Search and pompous Description of the Works of Nature, whether in proper and emphatick Terms thou didst paint the blazing Comets fiery Tale, the stupendous Force of dreadful Thunder and Earthquakes, and the unrelenting Inundations. Sometimes, with
Machiavelian
Sagacity, thou unravellest the Intrigues of State, and the traiterous Conspiracies of Rebels giving wise Counsel to Monarchs. How didst thou move our Terror and our Pity with thy passionate Scenes, between
Jack-catch
and the Heroes of the
Old-Baily!
How didst thou describe their intrepid March up
Holborn-Hill!
Nor didst thou shine less in thy theological Capacity, when thou gavest ghostly Counsel to dying Felons, and recorded the guilty Pangs of Sabbath-breakers! How will the noble Arts of
John Overton'
s Painting and Sculpture now languish! where rich Invention, proper Expression, correct Design, divine Altitudes, and artful Contrast, heighten'd with the Beauties of
Clar-Obscur,
embellish'd thy celebrated Pieces to the Delight and Astonishment of the judicious Multitude! Adieu persuasive Eloquence! the quaint Metaphor, the poinant Irony, the proper Epithet, and the lively Simile, are fled to
Burleigh on the Hill:
Instead of these, we shall have
I know not what —
Vid.
Bp. of
St. Asap
Preface.
The Illiterate will tell the rest with Pleasure!
I hope the Reader will excuse the Digression, due by way of Condolance to my worthy Brethren of
Grubstreet,
for the approaching Barbarity that is likely to overspread all its Regions, by this oppressive and exorbitant Tax, It has been my good Fortune to receive my Education there; and so long as I preserv'd some Figure and Rank amongst the Learned of that Society, I scorn'd to take my Degree either at
Utrecht
or
Leyden,
though I was offer'd it
gratis
by the Professors there.
THE CONTENTS.
Chap. I. THE Sequel of the History of the Meeting at the
Salutation, Pag.
1
Chap. II. How
John Bull
and
Nic Frog
settled their Accounts,
p.
7
Chap. III. How
John Bull
found all his Family in an Ʋ proar at home,
p.
13
Chap. IV. How
Lewis Baboon
came to Visit
John Bull,
and what passed between them,
p.
14
Chap. V. Nic. Frog's Letter to
John Bull;
wherein he endeavours to vindicate all his Conduct with relation to
John Bull
and the Law-Suit,
p.
23
Chap. VI. The Discourse that passed between
Nic. Frog
and
Esquire South,
which
John Bull
overheard,
p.
26
Chap. VII. The rest of
Nic.
's Fetches, to keep
John
out of
Ecclesdoun Castle, p.
31
Chap. VIII. Of the great Joy that
John
expressed when he got Possession of
Ecclesdoun, p.
35
LEWIS BABOON
Turned Honest, AND JOHN BULL POLITICIAN.
CHAP. I.
The Sequel of the History of the Meeting at the
Salutation.
WHere, I think, I left
John Bull,
sitting between
Nic. Frog
and
Lewis Baboon,
with his Arms
a-kimbo,
in great Concern to keep
Lewis
and
Nic.
asunder. As watchful as he was,
Nic.
found the Means, now and then, to stear a Whisper, and, by a cleanly Conveyance under the Table, to slip a short Note into
Lewis
's hand, which
Lewis
as slyly put into
John
's Pocket, with a Pinch or a Jog, to warn him what he was about.
John
had the Curiosity to retire into a Corner, to peruse these
Billet deux
of
Nic
's; wherein he found, that
Nic,
had used great Freedoms, both with his Interest and Reputation. One contained these words,
Dear
Lewis,
Thou seest clearly that this Blockhead can never bring his Matters to bear: Let thee and me talk to night by our selves at the
Rose,
and I'll give thee Satisfaction.
Another was thus express'd;
Friend
Lewis,
Has thy Sense quite forsaken thee, to make
Bull
such Offers? Hold fast, part with nothing, and I will give thee a better Bargain, I'll warrant thee.
In some of his Billets, he told
Lewis
"that
John Bull
was under his Guardianship; that the best part of his Servants were at his Command; that he could have
John
gagg'd and bound whenever he pleased, by the People of his own Family."
In all these Epistles, Blockhead, Dunce, Ass, Coxcomb, were the best Epithets he gave poor
John:
In others he threatned,
"that He, Esquire
South,
and the rest of the Tradesmen, would lay
Lewis
down upon his Back, beat out his Teeth, if he did not retire immediately, and break up the Meeting.
I fancy I need not tell my Reader, that
John
often chang'd Colour as he read, and that his Fingers itch'd to give
Nic.
a good Slap on the Chops, but he wisely moderated his cholerick Temper:
"I sav'd this Fellow (quoth he) from the Gallows when he ran away from his last Master, because I thought he was harshly treated; but the Rogue was no fooner safe under my Protection, than he began to lie, pilfer, and steal, like the Devil: When I first set him up in a warm House, he had hardly put up his Sign, when he began to debauch my best Customers from me: Then it was his constant Practice to rob my Fish-ponds, not only to feed his Family, but to trade with the Fishmongers: I conniv'd at the Fellow till he began to tell me, that they were his as much as mine: In my Manour of
Eastcheap,
because it lay at some distance from my constant Inspection, he broke down my Fences, robb'd my Orchards, and beat my Servants. When I us'd to reprimand him for his Tricks, he would talk saucily, lye, and brazen it out, as if he had done nothing amiss. Will nothing cure thee of thy Pranks
Nic.
(quoth I?) I shall be forced, some time or another, to chastise thee: The Rogue got up his Cane and threatned me, and was well thwack'd for his Pains: But I think his Behaviour at this time worst of all; after I have almost drowned my self, to keep his Head above Water, he would leave me sticking in the Mud, trusting to his Goodness to help me out. After I have beggar'd my self with his troublesome Law-Suit, with a Pox to him, he takes it in mighty Dudgeon because I have brought him here to end Matters amicably, and because I won't let him make me over, by Deed and Indenture, as his lawful Cully; which, to my certain Knowledge, he has attempted several times. But, after all, canst thou gather Grapes from Thorns?
Nic.
does not pretend to be a Gentleman, he is a Tradesman, a self-seeking Wretch, but how camest thou to bear all this,
John?
The Reason is plain; Thou conferrest the Benefits, and he receives them; the first produces Love, and the last Ingratitude: Ah!
Nic. Nic.
thou art a damn'd Dog, that's certain; thou knowest too well, that I will take care of thee, else thou would'st not use me thus: I won't give thee up, it is true; but as true as it is, thou shalt not sell me, according to thy laudable Custom.
While
John
was deep in this Soliloquy,
Nic.
broke out into the following Protestation.
Gentlemen,
I believe every body here present will allow me to be a very just and disinterested Person. My Friend
John Bull
here is very angry with me, forsooth, because I won't agree to his foolish Bargains. Now I declare to all Mankind, I should be ready to sacrifice my own Concerns to his Quiet; but the care of his Interest, and that of the honest Tradesmen that are embark'd with us, keeps me from entring into this Composition. What shall become of those poor Creatures? The Thoughts of their impending Ruin disturbs my Night's Rest, therefore I desire they may speak for themselves. If they are willing to give up this Affair, I shan't make two words of it.
John Bull
begg'd him to lay aside that immoderate Concern for him; and withal, put him in mind, that the Interest of those Tradesmen had not sat quite so heavy upon him some Years ago, on a like Occasion.
Nic.
answer'd little to that, but immediately pull'd out a Boatswain's Whistle; upon the first Whiff, the Tradesmen came jumping into the Room, and began to surround
Lewis
like so many yelping Curs about a great Boar, or, to use a modester Simile, like Duns at a great Lord's Leve the Morning he goes into the Country; one pull'd him by the Sleeve, another by the Skirt, a third hallow'd in his Ear; they began to ask him for all that had been taken from their Forefathers by Stealth, Fraud, Force, or lawful Purchase; some ask'd for Manours, others for Acres, that lay convenient for them; that he would pull down his Fences, level his Ditches; all agreed in one common Demand, that he should be purg'd, sweated, vomited, and starv'd, till be came to a sizeable Bulk, like that of his Neighbours; one modestly ask'd him Leave to call him Brother;
Nic. Frog
demanded two Things, to be his Porter and his Fishmonger, to keep the Keys of his Gates, and furnish his Kitchen;
John
's Sister
Peg
only desir'd that he would let his Servants sing Psalms a Sundays; some descended even to the asking of old Cloaths, Shoes, and Boots, broken Bottles, Tobacco-pipes, and Ends of Candles.
Monsieur
Bull
(quoth
Lewis
) you seem to be a Man of some Breeding; for God's sake use your Interest with these Messicurs, that they wou'd speak but one at once; for if one had a hundred pair of Hands, and as many Tongues, he cannot satisfy them all at this rate.
John
begg'd they might proceed with some Method; then they stop'd all of a sudden, and would not say a word. If this be your Play (quoth
John
) that we may not be like a Quaker's dumb Meeting, let us begin some Diversion; what d'ye think of Rouly-Pouly, or a Country-Dance? What if we should have a Match at Football! I am sure we shall never end Matters at this rate.
CHAP. II.
How
John Bull
and
Nic. Frog
settled their Accompts.
DƲ ring this general Cessation of Talk, what if You and I
Nic.
should enquire how Money-matters stand between us?
With all my Heart, I love exact Dealing; and let
Hocus
Audit; he knows how the Money was disburs'd.
I am not much for that at present; we'll settle it between Ourselves: Fair and Square
Nic.
keeps Friends together. There have been laid out in this Law-Suit, at one time 36000 Pounds and 40000 Crowns: In some Cases I, in others you, bear the greatest proportion.
Right: I pay three Fifths of the greatest Number, and you pay two Thirds of the lesser Number: I think this is Fair and Square as you call it.
Well, go on.
Two Thirds of 36000 Pounds are 24000 Pounds for your Share, and there remains 12000 for mine. Again, Of the 40000 Crowns I pay 24000, which is three Fifths, and you pay only 16000, which is two Fifths; 24000 Crowns make 6000 Pounds, and 16000 Crowns make 4000 Pounds: 12000 and 6000 make 18000: 24000 and 4000 makes 28000. So there are 18000 Pounds to my Share of the Expences, and 28000 to yours.
After
Nic.
had bambouzled
John
a while about the 18000 and the 28000,
John
call'd for Counters; but what with Slight of Hand, and taking from his own Score and, adding to
John
's,
Nic.
brought the Balance always on his own side.
Nay, good Friend
Nic.
though I am not quite so nimble in the Fingers, I understand Cyphering as well as you: I will produce you my Accompts one by one, fairly writ out of my own Books: And here I begin with the first. You must excuse me if I don't pronounce the Law Terms right.
[John Reads.]
 
l.
s.
d.
Fees to the Lord Ch. Justice and other Judges, by way of Dividend
200
10
06
Fees to puny Judges
50
00
00
To Esquire
South
for
post Terminums
100
10
06
To ditto for
Non est Factums
200
00
00
To ditto for
Discontinuance, Noli prosequi,
and
Retraxit
80
10
06
To ditto for a
Non Omittas,
and Filing a
post Diem
50
00
00
To
Hocus
for a
Dedimus potestatem.
300
00
00
To ditto for
Casas
and
Fifas
after a
Devastait
500
00
00
Carry over
1481
11
06
Brought over
1481
11
06
To ditto for a
Capias ad computandum
100
10
06
To
Frog
's new Tenants
per
Account to
Hocus,
for
Audita querelas.
200
00
00
On the said Account for Writs of
Ejectment
and
Destringas.
300
00
00
To Esquire
South
's Quota for a Return of a
Non est invent.
and
nulla habet bona
150
10
00
To — for a Pardon
in forma pauperis
200
00
00
To
Jack
for a
Melius inquirendum
upon a
Felo de se
100
00
00
To Don
Diego
for a
Defecit
50
00
00
To Coach-hire
500
00
00
For Treats to Juries and Witnesses
300
00
00
Sum
3382
12
00
Due by
Nic. Frog
1691
06
00
Of which paid by
Nic. Frog
1036
11
00
Remains due by
Nic. Frog
654
15
00
Then
Nic. Frog
pull'd his Bill out of his Pocket, and began to read.
Nicholas Frog
's Account. Remains to be deducted out of the former Account,
 
l.
s.
d.
To
Hocus
for Entries of a
Rege inconsulto
200
00
00
To
John Bull
's Nephew for a
Venire facias,
the Money not yet all laid out
300
00
00
The Coach-hire for my Wife and Family, and the Carriage of my Goods during the time of this Law-Suit
200
10
06
For the extraordinary Expences of feeding my Family during this Law-Suit
500
00
00
To
Major Ab.
300
00
00
To
Major Will.
200
00
00
Sum
1700
10
06
From which deduct
1691
06
00
There remains due to
Nic. Frog
09
04
06
Besides, recollecting, I believe I paid for
Diego
's
Defecit.
As for your
Venire facias,
I have paid you for one already; in the other, I believe you will be Nonsuited: I'll take care of my Nephew my self. Your
Coach-hire
and Family Charges are most unreasonable Deductions; at that rate, I can bring in any Man in the World my Debtor. But who the Devil are those two
Majors
that consume all my Money? I find they always run away with the Ballance in all Accompts.
Two very honest Gentlemen, I assure you, that have done me some Service.
To tell you plainly
Major Ab.
denotes thy greater Ability, and
Major Will
thy greater Willingness to carry on this Law-suit. It was but reasonable thou shouldst pay both for thy
Power
and thy
Positiveness.
I believe I shall have those two honest Majors discount on my side in a little time.
Why all this Higgling with thy Friend about such a paltry Sum? Does this become the Generosity of the Noble and Rich
John Bull?
I wonder thou art not asham'd. Oh
Hocus! Hocus!
where art thou, it used to go another-guess manner in thy time, when a poor Man has almost undone himself for thy sake, thou art for fleecing him and fleecing him; is that thy Conscience
John?
Very pleasant indeed; it is well known thou retains thy Lawyers by the Year, so a fresh Law-suit adds but little to thy Expence, they are thy Customers, I hardly ever sell them a Farthings worth of any thing; nay, thou hast set up an Eating-house, where the whole Tribe of them spend all they can rap or run; if it were well reckon'd, I believe thou gets more of my Money than thou spends of thy own. However, if thou wilt needs plead Poverty, own at least that thy Accompts are false.
No marry won't I, I refer my self to these honest Gentlemen, let them judge between us; let Esquire
South
speak his Mind, whither my Accounts are not right, and whither we ought not to go on with our Law-suit.
Consult the Butchers about keeping of
Lent.
I tell you once for all,
John Bull
knows where his Shoe pinches, none of your Esquires shall give him the Law, as long as he wears this trusty Weapon by his side, or has an inch of broad Cloath in his Shop.
Why there it is, you will be both Judge and Party; I am sorry thou discoverest so much of thy head-strong Humour before these strange Gentlemen, I have often told you that it would prove thy Ruin some time or another.
John
saw clearly he should have nothing but wrangling, and that he should have as little Success in settling his Accounts as ending the Composition: Since they will needs overload my Shoulders (quoth
John
) I shall throw down the Burden with a squash amongst them, take it up who dares; a Man has a fine time of it, amongst a combination of Sharpers, that Vouch for one anothers Honesty.
John
look to thy self, Old
Lewis
makes reasonable Offers, when thou hast spent the small Pittance that is left, thou wilt make a glorious Figure when thou art brought to live upon
Nic. Frog
and Esquire
South
's Generosity and Gratitude, if they use thee thus, when they want thee, what will they do when thou wants them? I say again,
John
look to thy self?
John
wisely stiffled his Resentments, and told the Company that in a little time he should give them Law, or something better.
Law! Law! Sir, by all means, what is Twenty Two poor Years towards the finishing a Law-suit? For the Love of God more Law, Sir!
Prepare your Demands, how mamany Years more of Law you want, that I may order my Affairs accordingly. In the mean while farewel.
CHAP. III.
How
John Bull
found all his Family in an Ʋ proar at Home.
NIc. Frog.
who thought of nothing but carrying
John
to the Market, and there disposing of him as his own proper Goods, was mad to find that
John
thought himself now of Age to look afer his own Affairs: He resolv'd to traverse this new Project, and to make him uneasie in his own Family. He had corrupted or desuded most of his Servants into the extravagantest Conceits in the World, that their Master was run mad, and wore a Dagger in one Pocket, and Poison in the other; that he had told his Wife and Children to
Lewis,
disinherited his Heir, and was going to settle his Estate upon a Parish Boy; that if they did not look after their Master, he would do some very mischievous Thing. When
John
came home he found a more surprising Scene than any he had yet met with, and that you will say was somewhat extraordinary.
He call'd his Cook-maid
Betty
to bespeak his Dinner,
Betty
told him,
That she beg'd his Pardon; she could not dress Dinner till she knew what he intended to do with his Will.
Why
Betty,
Forsooth (quoth
John
) thou art not run mad art thou? My Will at present is to have Dinner: That may be (quoth
Betty
) but my Conscience won't allow me to dress it, till I know whither you intend to do righteous Things by your Heir? I am sorry for that
Betty
(quoth
John
) I must find some body else then. Then he call'd
John
the Barber. Before I begin (quoth
John
) I hope your Honour won't be offended, if I ask you whither you intend to after your Will? If you won't give me a positive Answer, your Beard may grow down to your Middle, for me. I gad and so it shall (quoth
Bull
) for I will never trust my Throat in such a mad Fellows Hands. Where's
Dick
the Butler? Look ye (quoth
Dick
) I am very willing to serve you in my Calling, d'ye see, but there are strange Reports, and plain-dealing is best, d'ye see. I must be satisfied if you intend to leave all to your Nephew, and if
Nic. Frog
is still your Executor, d'ye see; if you will not satisfie me as to these Points, d'ye see, you may drink with the Ducks: And so I will (quoth
John
) rather than keep a Butler that loves my Heir better than my self.
Hob
the Shoemaker, and
Pricket
the Taylor told him, they would most willingly serve him in their several Stations, if he would promise them never to talk with
Lewis Baboon,
and let
Nicolas Frog,
Linnen-draper, manage his Concerns; that they could neither make Shoes nor Cloaths to any that were not in good Correspondence with their worthy Friend
Nicolas.
Call
Andrew
my Journey-Man: How goes Affairs,
Andrew?
I hope the Devil has not taken Possession of thy Body too.
No, Sir, I only desire to know what you would do if you were dead?
Just as other dead Folks do,
Andrew.
This is Amazing
[Aside.
I mean if your Nephew shall inherit your Estate?
That depends upon himself. I shall do nothing to hinder him.
But will you make it sure?
Thou mean'st, that I should put him in Possession, for I can make it no surer without that, he has all the Law can give him.
Indeed Possession, as you say, would make it much surer; they say, it is eleven points of the Law.
John
began now to think that they were all enchanted; he enquires about the Age of the Moon, if
Nic
had not given them some intoxicating
Potion,
or if old Mother
Jenisa
was not still alive. No, o'my faith (quoth
Harry
) I believe there is no
Potion
in the Case, but a little
Aurum Potabile.
You will have more of this by and by. He had scarce spoke the Word, when of a sudden
Don Diego,
follow'd by a great Multitude of his Tenants and Work-men, came rushing into the Room.
Since those worthy Persons, who are as much concern'd for your Safety as I am, have employ'd me as their Orator, I desire to know whither you will have it by way of
Syllogism, Enthymem, Dilemma
or
Sorites.
John
now began to be diverted with their Extravagance.
Let's have a
Sorites
by all means, tho' they are all new to me.
It is evident to all that are versed in History, that there were two
Sisters
that play'd the Whore, two thousand Years ago: Therefore it plainly follows, that it is not lawful for
John Bull
to have any manner of Entercourse with
Lewis Baboon.
If it is not lawful for
John Bull
to have any manner of Entercourse (Correspondence, if you will, that is much the same thing) then
a Fortiori,
it is much more unlawful for the said
John
to make over his Wife and Children to the said
Lewis;
if his Wife and Children are not to be made over, he is not to wear a Dagger and Ratsbane in his
Pockets;
if he wears a Dagger and Ratsbane, it must be to do Mischief to himself or some body else; if he intends to do Mischief, he ought to be under Guardians, and there is none so fit as my self and some other worthy Persons, who have a Commission for that purpose from
Nic. Frog,
the Executor of his Will and Testament.
And this is your
Sorites,
you say; with that he snatch'd a good tough Oaken Cudgel, and began to brandish it; then happy was the Man that was first at the Door; crouding to get out, they tumbled down Stairs, and it is credibly reported some of them drop'd very valuable Things in the hurry, which were pick'd up by others of the Family.
That any of these Rogues (quoth
John
) should imagine I am not as much concern'd as they about having my Affairs in a settled Condition, or that I would wrong my Heir for I know not what. Well
Nic.
I really cannot but applaud thy Diligence, I must own this is really a pretty sort of a Trick, but it shan't do thy Business for all that.
CHAP. IV.
How
Lewis Baboon
came to visit
John Bull,
and what pass'd between them.
I Think it is but ingenuous to acquaint the Reader, that this Chapter was not wrote by Sir
Humphry
himself, but by another very able
Pen
of the University of
Grubstreet.
John
had (by some good Instructions that was given him by Sir
Roger
) got the better of his Cholerick Temper, and wrought himself up to a great steadiness of Mind, to pursue his own Interest through all Impediments that were thrown in the way; he began to leave off some of his old Aquaintance, his roaring and bullying about the Streets; he put on a serious Air, knit his Brows, and for the time had made a very considerable progress in Politicks, considering that he had been kept a stranger to his own Affairs. However, he could not help discovering some remains of his Nature, when he happen'd to meet with a Foot-Ball, or a Match at Cricket; for which Sir
Roger
was sure to take him to task.
John
was walking about his Room with folded Arms, and a most thoughtful Countenance, his Servant brought him Word that one
Lewis
Baboon
below wanted to speak with him.
John
had got an Impression that
Lewis
was so deadly a cunning Man, that he was afraid to venture himself alone with him: At last he took heart of Grace.
Let him come up
(quoth he)
it is but sticking to my Point, and he can never over-reach me.
Monsieur
Bull
I will frankly acknowledge, that my Behaviour to my Neighbours has been somewhat uncivil, and I believe you will readily grant me, that I have met with Usage accordingly. I was fond of Back-sword and Cudgel play from my Youth, and I now bear in my Body many a black and blue Gash and Scars, God knows. I had as good a Ware-house, and as fair Possessions as any of my Neighbours, tho' I say it; but a contentious Temper, flattering Servants, and unfortunate Stars, have brought me into Circumstances that are not unknown to you. These my Misfortunes are heighten'd by domestick Calamities, that I need not relate. I am a poor old batter'd Fellow, and I would willingly end my Days in Peace: But alas, I see but small hopes of that, for every new Circumstance affords an Argument to my Enemies to pursue their Revenge; formerly I was to be bang'd because I was too Strong, and now because I am too Weak to resist, I am to be brought down when too Rich, and oppressed when too Poor.
Nic. Frog
has used me like a
Scoundrel;
You are a Gentleman, and I freely put my self in your Hands, to dispose of me as you think fit.
Look you, Master
Baboon,
as to your Usage of your Neighbours, you had best not dwell too much upon that Chapter; let it suffice at present that you have been met with, you have been rolling a great Stone uphill all your Life, and at last it has come tumbling down till it is like to crush you to pieces: Plain-dealing is best. If you have any particular Mark, Mr.
Baboon,
whereby one may know when you Fib, and when you speak Truth, you had best tell it me, that one may proceed accordingly; but since at present I know of none such, it is better that you should trust me, than that I should trust you.
I know of no particular Mark of Veracity, amongst us Tradesmen, but Interest; and it is manifestly mine not to deceive you at this time; you may safely trust me, I can assure you.
The Trust I give is in short this, I must have something in hand before I make the Bargain, and the rest before it is concluded.
To shew you I deal fairly, name your Something.
I need not tell thee, old Boy; thou canst guess.
Ecclesdown Castle,
I'll warrant you, because it has been formerly in your Family! Say no more, you shall have it.
I shall have it to m'own self?
To thy n'own self.
Every Wall, Gate, Room, and Inch of
Ecclesdown Castle,
you say?
Just so.
Every single Stone of
Ecclesdown Castle,
to m'own self, speedily!
When you please, what needs more Words?
But tell me, old Boy, hast thou laid aside all thy
Equivocals
and
Mentals
in this case?
There is nothing like Matter of Fact; Seeing is Believing.
Now thou talk'st to the purpose; let us shake Hands, old Boy. Let me ask thee one Question more, What hast thou to do to meddle with the Affairs of my Family? To dispose of my Estate, old Boy?
Just as much as you have to do with the Affairs of Lord
Strut.
Ay, but my Trade, my very Being, was concern'd in that.
And my Interest was concern'd in the other: but let us drop both our Pretences; for I believe it is a moot point, whether I am more likely to make a Master
Bull,
or you a Lord
Strut.
Agreed, old Boy; but then I must have Security that I shall carry my Broadcloth to Market, old Boy.
That you shall:
Ecclesdown Castle! Ecclesdown!
Remember that: Why would'st thou not take it when it was offer'd thee some Years ago?
I would not take it, because they told me thou would'st not give it me.
How could Monsieur
Bull
be so grosly abused by downright Nonsense? They that advised you to refuse, must have believed I intended to give, else why would they not make the Experiment? But I can tell you more of that Matter than perhaps you know at present.
But what say'st thou as to the Esquire,
Nic. Frog,
and the rest of the Tradesmen? I must take care of them.
Thou hast but small Obligations to
Nic,
to my certain Knowledge: He has not us'd me like a Gentleman.
Nic,
indeed, is not very nice in your Punctilio's of Ceremony; he is Clownish, as a Man may say; Belching and Calling of Names have been allow'd him time out of mind, by Prescription: but however, we are engag'd in one Common Cause, and I must look after him.
All Matters that relate to him, and the rest of the Plantiffs in this Law-Suit, I will refer to your Justice.
CHAP. V.
Nic. Frog
's Letter to
John Bull;
wherein he endeavours to vindicate all his Conduct, with relation to
John Bull
and the Law-Suit.
NIC.
perceiv'd now that his Cully had elop'd, that
John
intended henceforth to deal without a Broker; but he was resolv'd to leave no Stone unturn'd to recover his Bubble: Amongst other Artifices, he wrote a most obliging Letter, which he sent him Printed in a fair Character.
Dear Friend,
When I consider the late ill Usage I have met with from you, I was reflecting what it was that could provoke you to it; but upon a narrow Inspection into my Conduct, I can find nothing to reproach my self with, but too partial a Concern for your Interest. You no sooner set this Composition a-foot, but I was ready to comply, and prevented your very Wishes; and the Affair might have been ended before now, had it not been for the greater Concerns of
Esq
South,
and the other poor Creatures, embark'd in the same Common Cause, whose Safety touches me to the Quick. You seem'd a little jealous that I bad dealt unfairly with you in Money-matters, till it appear'd by your own Accounts, that there was something due to me upon the Ballance. Having nothing to answer to so plain a Demonstration, you began to complain as if I had been familiar with your Reputation; when it is well known, not only I, but the meanest Servant in my Family, talk of you with the utmost Respect. I have always, as far as in me lies, exhorted your Servants and Tenants to be dutiful; not that I any ways meddle in your domestick Affairs, which were very unbecoming for me to do. If some of your Servants express their great Concern for you in a manner that is not so very polite, you ought to impute it to their extraordinary Zeal, which deserves a Reward rather than a Reproof. You cannot reproach me for want of Success at the
Salutation,
since I am not Master of the Passions and Interests of other Folks. I have beggar'd my self with this Law-Suit, undertaken merely in Complaisance to you; and if you would have had but a little Patience, I had still greater things in Reserve that I intended to have done for you. I hope what I have said will prevail with you to lay aside your unreasonable Jealousies, and that we may have no more Meetings at the
Salutation,
spending our Time and Money to no Purpose. My Concern for your Welfare and Prosperity, almost makes me mad. You may be assur'd I will continue to be
Your affectionate Friend and Servant, NIC. FROG.
John
receiv'd this with a good deal of
Sang froid; Transeat
(quoth
John
)
cum caeteris erroribus:
He was now at his Ease; he saw he could now make a very good Bargain for himself, and a very safe one for other Folks. My Shirt (quoth he) is near me, but my Skin is nearer: Whilst I take care of the Welfare of other Folks, no body can blame me, to apply a little Balsam to my own Sores. It's a pretty thing, after all, for a Man to do his own Business: a Man has such a tender Concern for himself, there's nothing like it. This is somewhat better, I trow, than for
John Bull
to be standing in the Market, like a great Dray-horse, with
Frog
's Paws upon his Head,
What will ye give me for this Beast? Serviteur
Nic. Frog,
you may kiss my Backside if you please.
Though
John Bull
has not read your
Aristotles, Plato
's, and
Machiavels,
he can see us far into a Milstone as another: With that
John
began to chuckle and laugh, till he was like to burst his Sides.
CHAP. VI.
The Discourse that pass'd between
Nic. Frog
and Esquire
South,
which
John Bull
overheard.
JOhn
thought every Minute a Year till he got into
Ecclesdown Castle;
he repairs to the
Salutation,
with a Design to break the Matter gently to his Partners: Before he enter'd, he overheard
Nic.
and the Esquire in a very pleasant Conference.
Oh the Ingratitude and Injustice of Mankind! That
John Bull,
whom I have honour'd with my Friendship and Protection so long, should flinch at last, and pretend that he can disburse no more Money for me; that the Family of the
Souths,
by his sneaking Temper, should be kept out of their own.
An't like your Worship, I am in amaze at it; I think the Rogue should be compell'd to do his Duty.
That he should prefer his scandalous Pelf, the Dust and Dregs of the Earth, to the Prosperity and Grandeur of my Family!
Nay, he is mistaken there too; for, he would quickly lick himself whole again by his Vails. It's strange he should prefer
Philip Baboon
's Custom to
Esq
South
's.
As you say, that my Clothier, that is to get so much by the Purchase, should refuse to put me in Possession; did you ever know any Man's Tradesman serve him so before?
No, indeed, an't please your Worship, it is a very unusual Proceeding; and I would not have been guilty of it for the World. If your Honour had not a great Stock of Moderation and Patience, you would not bear it so well as you do.
It is most intolerable, that's certain
Nic.
and I will be reveng'd.
Methinks it is strange, that
Philip Baboon
's Tenants do not all take your Honour's part, considering how good and gentle a Master you are.
True,
Nic.
but few are sensible of Merit in this World: It is a great Comfort, to have so faithful a Friend as thy self in so critical a Juncture.
If all the World should forsake you, be assur'd
Nic. Frog
never will; let us stick to our Point, and we'll manage
Bull,
I'll warrant ye.
Let me kiss thee, dear
Nic.
I have found one honest Man amongst a thousand at last.
If it were possible, your Honour has it in your Power to wed me still closer to your Interest.
Tell me quickly, dear
Nic.
You know I am your Tenant; the Difference between my Lease and an Inheritance is such a Trifle, as I am sure you will not grudge your poor Friend, that will be an Encouragement to go on; besides, it will make
Bull
as mad as the Devil: You and I shall be able to manage him then to some purpose.
Say no more, it shall be done
Nic.
to thy Heart's Content.
John,
all this while, was listening to this comical Dialogue, and laugh'd heartily in his Sleeve, at the Pride and Simplicity of the
Esquire,
and the sly Roguery of his Friend
Nic.
Then of a sudden bolting into the Room, he began to tell them, that he believ'd he had brought
Lewis
to reasonable Terms, if they would please to hear them.
Then they all bawl'd out aloud,
No Composition, Long live Esquire
South
and the Law!
As
John
was going to proceed, some roar'd, some stamp'd with their Feet, others stop'd their Ears with their Fingers.
Nay, Gentlemen (quoth
John
) if you will but stop proceeding for a while, you shall judge your selves whether
Lewis
's Proposals are reasonable.
Very fine indeed, stop proceeding, and so lose a Term.
Not so neither, we have something by way of Advance, he will put us in Possession of his Mannor and Castle of
Ecclesdoun.
What dost talk of us, thou mean'st thy self?
When
Frog
took Possession of any thing, it was always said to be for
Ʋ s,
and why may not
John Bull
be
Ʋ s,
as well as
Nic. Frog
was
Ʋ s?
I hope
John Bull
is no more confin'd to Singularity than
Nic. Frog;
or take it so, the constant Doctrine that thou hast preach'd up for many Years, was that Thou and I are One; and why must we be supposed Two in this Case, that were always One before? It's impossible that Thou and I can fall out
Nic.
we must trust one another: I have trusted thee with a great many things, prithee trust me with this one Trifle.
That Principle is true in the main; but there is some Speciality in this Case, that makes it highly inconvenient for us both.
Those are your Jealousies, that the common Enemies sow between us; how often hast thou warn'd me of those Rogues,
Nic.
that would make us mistrustful of one another?
This
Ecclesdoun-
Castle is only a Bone of Contention.
It depends upon you to make it so, for my part I am as peaceable as a Lamb.
But do you consider the unwholesomness of the Air and Soil, the Expences of Reparations and Servants, I would scorn to accept of such a Quag-mire.
You are a great Man,
Nic.
but in my Circumstances, I must be e'en content to take it as it is.
And you are really so silly, as to believe the old cheating Rogue will give it you.
I believe nothing-but Matter of Fact, I stand and fall by that, I am resolv'd to put him to it.
And so relinquish the hopefulest Cause in the World, a Claim that will certainly in the End, make thy Fortune for ever.
Wilt thou purchase it
Nic?
thou shalt have a lumping Pennyworth; nay, rather than we should differ, I'll give thee fomething to take it off my Hands.
If thou would'st but moderate that hasty impatient Temper of thine, thou should'st quickly see a better thing than all that: What should'st thou think to find old
Lewis
turn'd out of his paternal Estates and Mansion-house of
Clay-Pool?
Would not that do thy Heart good to see thy old Friend
Nic. Frog
Lord of
Clay Pool?
Then thou and thy Wife and Children shall walk in my Gardens, buy Toys, drink Lemonade, and now and then we should have a Country-dance.
I love to be plain, I'd as lieve see my self in
Ecclesdoun-
Castle, as thee in
Clay-Pool.
I tell you again,
Lewis
gives this as a Pledge of his Sincerity, if you won't stop proceeding to hear him, I will.
CHAP. VII.
The rest of
Nic
's Fetches to keep
John
out of
Ecclesdoun-
Castle.
WHEN
Nic.
could not diswade
John
by Argument, he try'd to move his Pity, he pretended to be sick and like to dye, that he should leave his Wife and Children in a starving Condition, if
John
did abandon him; that he was hardly able to craul about the Room, far less capable to look after such a troublesome Business as this Law-suit, and therefore begg'd that his good Friend would not leave him. When he saw that
John
was still inexorable, he pull'd out a Case-Knife, with which he used to Sneaker-snee, and threaten'd to cut his own Throat.
"Thrice he aim'd the Knife to his Wind pipe with a most determin'd threatning Air. What signifies Lise (quoth he) in this languishing Condition, it will be some Pleasure that my Friends will revenge my Death upon this barbarous Man, that has been the Cause of it?
All this while
John
look'd Sedate and Calm, neither offering in the least to snatch the Knife, nor stop his Blow, trusting to the Tenderness
Nic.
had for his own Person: When he perceiv'd that
John
was immoveable in his Purpose, he apply'd himself to
Lewis.
Art thou (quoth he) turn'd Bubble in thy Old Age, from being a Sharper in thy Youth? what occasion hast thou to give up
Ecclesdoun-
Castle to
John Bull?
his Friendship is not worth a Rush, give it me and I'll make it worth the while. If thou dislikest that Proposition, keep it thy self, I'd rather thou shouldest have it than he. If thou hearkens not to my Advice, take what follows; Esquire
South
and I will go on with our Law-suit in spite of
John Bull
's Teeth.
Monsieur
Bull
has used me like a Gentleman, and I am resolv'd to make good my Promise, and trust him for the Confequences.
Then I tell thee thou art an old doating Fool. With that
Nic
bounc'd up with a Spring equal to that of one of your nimblest Tumblers or Rope dancers, falls foul upon
John Bull
to snatch the Cudgel he had in his Hand, that he might Thwack
Lewis
with it.
John
held it fast, so that there was no wrenching it from him. At last
Esquire South
buckl'd to, to assist his Friend
Nic. John
hall'd on one side, and they two on the other; sometimes they were like to pull
John
over; then it went, all of a sudden again, on
John
's side, so they went see-sawing up and down, from one End of the Room to the other: Down tumbl'd the Tables, Bottles, Glassē s, and Tobacco Pipes: The Wine and the Tobacco were all spilt about the Room, and the little Fellows were almost trod under Foot, 'till more of the Tradesmen joyning with
Nic.
and the Esquire,
John
was hardly able to pull against them all, yet he never quit hold of his trusty Cudgel; which by the contranitent Force of two so great Powers, broke short in his Hands.
Nic.
seiz'd the longer end, and with it began to Bastinado Old
Lewis,
who had slunk into a Corner, waiting the Event of this Squabble.
Nic
came up to him with an insolent menacing Air, so that the old Fellow was forc'd to skuttle out of the Room, and retire behind a Dung-cart: He call'd to
Nic,
thou insolent Jackanapes, time was when thou durst not have used me so, thou now takest me unprovided, but old and infirm as I am, I shall find a Weapon by and by to chastise thy Impudence.
When
John Bull
had recover'd his Breath, he began to parly with
Nic. Friend
Nic,
I am glad to find thee so strong after thy great Complaints; really thy Motions
Nic.
are pretty Vigorous for a consumptive Man.
As for thy worldly Affairs
Nic,
if it can do thee any Service, I freely make over to thee this profitable Law-suit; and I desire all these Gentlemen to bear witness to this my Act and Deed, yours be all the Gain, as mine has been the Charges, I have brought it to bear finely: However, all I have laid out upon it goes for nothing, thou shalt have it with all its Appurtenances, I ask nothing but leave to go home.
The Counsel are fee'd, and all Things prepared for a Tryal, thou shalt be forced to stand the Issue: It shall be pleaded in thy Name as well as mine: Go home if thou can'st, the Gates are shut, the Turnpikes locked, and the Roads barracado'd.
Even these very ways
Nic
that thou toldest me, were as open to me as thy self? If I can't pass with my own Equipage, what can I expect for my Goods and Waggons? I am deny'd Passage through those very Grounds that I have purchased with my own Money; however, I am glad I have made the Experiment, it may serve me in some stead.
John Bull
was so over-joy'd that he was going to take Possession of
Ecclesdoun,
that nothing could vex him.
Nic
(quoth he)
I am just a going to leave thee, cast a kind look upon me at parting.
Nic
look'd sower and grum, and would not open his Mouth.
I wish thee all the Success that thy Heart can desire, and that these honest Gentlemen of the long Robe may have their Belly full of Law.
Nic
could stand it no longer, but flung out of the Room with disdain, and beckon'd the Lawyers to follow him.
Buy, buy
Nic,
not one poor Smile at parting, won't you shake your day-day,
Nic?
Buy
Nic: With that
John
march'd out of the common Road cross the Country, to take Possession of
Ecclesdoun.
CHAP. VIII.
Of the great Joy that
John
express'd when he got Possession of
Ecclesdoun.
WHEN
John
had got into his Castle, he seem'd like
Ʋ lysses
upon his Plank after he had been well sous'd in Salt-water; who (as
Homer
says) was as glad as a Judge going to sit down to Dinner, after hearing a long Cause upon the Bench. I dare say
John Bull
's Joy was equal to that of either of the two; he skip'd from Room to Room; ran up Stairs and down Stairs, from the Kitchen to the Garrets, and from the Garrets to the Kitchen; he peep'd into every Crany; sometimes he admired the Beauty of the Architecture, and the vast Solidity of the Masons Work; at other times he commended the Symetry and Proportion of the Rooms. He walk'd about the Gardens; he Bath'd himself in the Canal, swimming, diving, and beating the liquid Element, like a milk-white Swan. The Hall resounded with the sprightly Violin and the martial Hautboy. The Family trip'd it about and Caper'd like
Hail-stones bounding from a Marble Floor:
Wine, Ale and October flew about as plentifully as Kennel-Water; then a Frolick took
John
in the Head to call up some of
Nic Frog
's Pensioners that had been so mutinous in his Family.
Are you glad to see your Master in
Ecclesdoun-
Castle?
Yes indeed, Sir.
Extremely glad?
Extremely glad, Sir.
Swear to me that you are so.
Then they began to damn and sink their Souls to the lowest Pit of Hell, if any Person in the World rejoyc'd more than they did.
Now hang me if I don't believe you are a parcel of perjur'd Raseals; however take this Bumper of October to your Master's Health.
Then
John
got upon the Battlements, and looking over he call'd to
Nic Frog.
How d'ye do
Nic?
D'ye see where I am
Nic?
I hope the Cause goes on swimmingly
Nic;
when dost thou intend to go to
Clay-Pool, Nic?
Wilt thou buy there some High-Heads of the newest Cut for my Daughters? How comest thou to go with thy Arm ty'd up? Has old
Lewis
given thee a rap over the Finger-ends? Thy Weapon was a good one when I weilded it, but the Butt-end remains in my Hands. I am so busy in packing up my Goods, that I have no time to talk with thee any longer: It would do thy Heart good to see what Waggon Loads I am preparing for Market; if thou wantest any good Office of mine, for all that has happen'd, I will use thee well
Nic;
buy
Nic.
*⁎* John Bull'
s Thanks to Sir
Roger,
and
Nic Frog'
s Malediction upon all Shrews, the Original Cause of his Misfortunes, are reserv'd for the next Volume.
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