CHAPTER XVI.

AS ſoon as we had all retired within the cabin, our company was re⯑inforced by the arrival of the farmer's [6] daughter, who had juſt returned from a neighbouring fair, where ſhe had been to ſell ſome ſpun-yarn, in which em⯑ployment her father and ſhe paſſed the greateſt part of their time, in order to make a ſmall addition, by their induſtry, to that pittance, to which it had pleaſed heaven to reduce them.

When we had aſſembled round the hearth, the loquacious ſoldier, taking ſome tobacco from a leather pouch, which he carried in his pocket, between his finger and thumb, and depoſiting it in his lower jaw, between his lip and his teeth, began to inform us who he was, and the reaſons that had induced him to pay a viſit to that part of the country.—"When I firſt took it in my head to enter the army as a pri⯑vate," ſays the ſoldier, "I was about [7] the age and ſize of this here lad," at the ſame time giving me a violent pat on the head.—I remember the time juſt as well as if it was but yeſterday, though, may hap, I haven't made many a hard campaign ſince that time;—but no matter for that, every man isn't born with a ſilver ſpoon in his mouth; and, if ſo be as how I've done my duty, why an't I as good as another? hey, father!" ſays he, addreſſing himſelf to the hoſt;—"but, damme, what ſigni⯑fies?—it will be all the ſame a hun⯑dred years hence, as Corporal Crab uſed to ſay.—Well, as I was ſay⯑ing, when I liſted in the army, it was in the month of June, at Clonmel, in the county of Tiperary, and a fine body of men our regiment were, damme, as ever faced an enemy in [8] the field of battle.—But this won't do, by G—d!—ram me into a gin⯑ſhop (as our corporal uſed to ſay) but I'm growing confoundedly dry; I'm none of your fellows, damme, not I, that can talk without drink⯑ing;—here," ſaid the talkative ſon of Mars, holding out the mug, "take this and fill it full of the righteous!— I can't do without it, by the lord Har⯑ry;—I muſt wet the whiſtle;—I'm juſt as dull, if I want drink, as a Mounſeer without ſoup meagre. — Aye, that's a brave girl!" ſays he, taking the mug from the young woman, "come, "my laſs," putting the veſſel to his mouth, here's long life to you if you die to-morrow, as our corporal uſed to ſay.—What was I ſaying when I left off?—Oh! I recollect.—Why, [9] we were ordered to Cork, that we might be in readineſs to meet the tranſports, which were coming round there, from the Channel, to take us, and five more regiments, to North America, to fight the rebels.—We got got into the boats at three in the morning, and fell down the river to the ſhips that were moored off Kin⯑ſale, and a brave ſet of boys there was, d'ye ſee, as ever the ſun ſhone upon.—We muſtered, I remember, near four thouſand, though, I believe, four hundred never lived to return; but no matter for that, we muſt all die ſome time or other; and isn't better to die in battle, with a bullet through your head, fighting for your king and country, (as our corporal uſed to ſay,) than to ſneak into the [10] other world with a 'potecary's ſhop in your guts? — Damme, I'm no flincher;—here's your good health, daddy," ſays the ſoldier, drinking.— I remember," continues this ſon of gunpowder, "we had a quick paſſage. We croſſed the Atlantic, and arrived at New-York juſt forty days after the time of our embarkation. — I recollect too that our general would ſcarcely give us time to refreſh ourſelves after the voyage, when he ordered us up into the country, where we marched and countermarched after the enemy; but I don't know how it was, but, damme, we always arrived a day too late;—but no matter for that, — here's ſucceſs to the army," ſays he, drinking, and afterwards giving me the mug;—"come, you dog," ſays [11] he, ‘why don't you drink?—why, your'e down in the mouth;—damme, you'll never grow tall if you don't drink.’ In compliance with his ſolicitations I took another draught; while I was per⯑forming of which he kept crying, ‘Take a good pull;—by G—d it's better for you than mother's milk.—Well, as I was ſaying, our arms were idle, for want of uſe, till we were ordered to force the trenches of the rebels at Bunker's-hill.’—

At the mention of Bunker's-hill, I perceived the tears, trickling from the eyes of the venerable old landlord, chace one another ‘"In big, round, drops, adown his furrow'd face."’ "Why, what's the matter, father?" ſays the ſoldier.—Ah!" replies the hoſt, "I loſt a ſon in that engagement, who, [12] had he been living, would have ſo⯑laced and relieved me in my old days."—"What was his name?" ſays the ſoldier.—"John Foſter," ſays the other.—"Jack Foſter!" ſays the knight of the brown muſket; — "by G—d I knew him as well as my own brother;—he belonged to our grena⯑diers, and as clever a fellow he was as ever ſtood in ſhoe-leather.—I re⯑member he was ſhot through the heart as he was leaping into the Yankees trenches.—Why, man, he and I were comrades, and were quartered together at Peg Brown's, who kept a huckſter's ſhop in Boſton."—At this part of the ſtory the old man's faculties forſook him, and, overcome by grief, with the aſſiſt⯑ance of his daughter, after wiſhing us a good night's reſt, he retired to bed.—

[13]"It was in Boſton," continues the ſoldier, "that I picked up my wife, and a clever b—tch ſhe is as ever pillaged a field of battle.—She was formerly married to a ſerjeant of our regiment, but, having his head ſhot off by a cannon-ball, why, damme, the next day ſhe mar⯑ried me;—didn't you Moll?" ſays he, looking round for his companion, who had ſtole away to bed with her child in the beginning of the ſoldier's ſtory;—‘why, what the devil is ſhe gone to bed already!—never out of her road by G—d!—but, as for that matter, Moll's an old campaigner, and, if ever ſhe wants any thing for aſking for, why, ſhe ought to be damned, as our corporal ſays;—ſo here's my ſervice to you, my lad,’ [14] ſays the facetious narrator, drinking again.—

‘Well, how ſhould you like to be a ſoldier?’ continues my companion, addreſſing himſelf to me.—I frankly replied, "Not at all:" at which he teſ⯑tified a great deal of ſurprize, and ſaid, "Why, damme, have you no ambi⯑tion, you dog."—"Why no," I replied, "not to loſe my limbs as you have done," the ſoldier having but one arm.— "Oh! damne, this is a trifle," ſays he, lifting up the re⯑maining ſtump; "beſides, I ſhould not have loſt this but for a mere acci⯑dent." Upon my inquiring into the nature of it, he informed me that he loſt his precious arm at the ſpringing of a mine, where nine-tenths of the party he belonged to were blown to pieces in [15] the air: upon which I told him, with⯑out any equivocation, that I had deter⯑mined never to be a ſoldier, as I had a particular veneration for peace, health, and a whole ſkin.—"I am ſorry, my lad," ſays this modern Beliſarius, that you have ſo pitiful a way of thinking;—by the Lord, you've no more idea of glory than a captain in the city militia, nor no more ſpirit than a tailor.—Now, look at me;— you ſee me here a poor fellow, wa⯑ding through the world with one of my wings lopped off;—but no mat⯑ter for that, that's nothing more than the fortune of war, as our corporal uſed to ſay, and is many a brave man's lot as well as mine, d'ye ſee; but, if ſo be as how that hadn't been the caſe, why, damme, by this [16] time, I ſhould have been a greater man than ever.—But I'll ſay nothing, for boaſting is the language of pol⯑troons, and beneath a gentleman-ſoldier to make uſe of; ſo, my little hero, here's t'ye you," putting the mug to his mouth;—"oh! oh! dam⯑me," ſays he, turning the mug bot⯑tom upwards, "we are all aground by G—d!"—

By this time the young woman had returned from attending upon her fa⯑ther; and, intimating to the ſtory-tell⯑ing ſoldier that it was high time to think of going to bed, he thought proper to take the hint, and, aſking the girl to ſhew him the hammock where his wife had turned in, he took up his ſword and knapſack, and, taking me by the hand, went out of the room, ſcratching his [17] head, and ſhaking himſelf all the way, to ſolace his yoke-fellow, and give his tongue a reſpite until morning.

As ſoon as the beams of Phoebus pe⯑netrated through a little window, and informed the tenants of the cabin that it was time to riſe, we all got up, and, having adjuſted our travelling baggage, began to march, taking the readieſt way to come into the high road that leads to the metropolis, and, the ſoldier and his wife having the ſame place of deſtina⯑tion, we made a pleaſant party of three, and agreed to bear each other com⯑pany.

As we walked along, the ſoldier took frequent opportunities of ſounding me upon the ſtrength of my purſe, which when he learned was almoſt exhauſted, having only a crooked ſixpence and a [18] few halfpence left, his looks became gloomy and thoughtful; and we were laying our heads together, to concert a plan for the procuring a comfortable breakfaſt, when we eſpied a carriage coming towards us, followed by three ſervants on horſeback; at the ſight of which my companion's countenance be⯑gan to wear a pleaſant aſpect, and, bid⯑ding me make what haſte I could be⯑hind a hedge, he told me that he would ſoon procure ſome looſe caſh from the quality in the coach, which was ap⯑proaching us now very faſt. I immedi⯑ately obeyed his orders, and got with great precipitation on the other ſide of the ditch, whence I reſolved to watch his motions narrowly, not knowing rightly what conſtruction to put upon his words; but I was ſoon releaſed from my per⯑plexity [19] by obſerving my fellow-traveller, who had ſo contrived to twiſt his left leg and the remaining arm, that he ap⯑peared, when limping, (which he did to admiration,) like a poor diſlocated wretch, who had not the power of put⯑ting his hand to his head, or helping himſelf in any manner whatever; and, in this woe-begone ſtate, he placed him⯑ſelf in the middle of the road, to be ready, at all points, to encounter the coach, and to lay warm ſiege to the hearts of the company within.

As ſoon as the carriage arrived with⯑in a few paces of the ſoldier, we all perceived with joy that the majority of the company were females, there being three young beauties within, accompa⯑nied by an elderly gentleman, whom we gueſſed to be their father. But my [20] ſenſes were now occupied in obſerving the artful manoeuvring of the jocund ſon of Mars; for, limping up to the ſide of the carriage, to all appearance with infinite labour on his part, and, pulling off his hat, he accoſted them in the following pitiable ſtrain:—"Ah! my ſweet young ladies, long life to you all;—and, can't you find, in your fair boſoms, one ſpark of pity for a poor maimed ſoldier, with a wife and ſix ſmall children?"—"Yes, my good gentlewomen," cries his faith⯑ful help-mate, "this boy, in my arms, is one of them;—we left the other five, in the laſt town, behind us, as a pledge for nineteen-pence halfpenny." All true, upon my honour," ſays the ſoldier; "and, unleſs you, or ſome other well-diſpoſed Chriſtians, con⯑tribute [21] to our relief, we muſt periſh for hunger."—"How came you by thoſe wounds, friend?" ſays the gen⯑tleman in the coach.—"I loſt this pre⯑cious limb," replies the ſoldier, ex⯑hibiting his ſtump, in the defence of an officer's wife, who was a paſ⯑ſenger on board our tranſport, whom the Spaniards wanted to make a pri⯑ſoner of, off Cape Finiſtere, becauſe, why, my ſweet madam," ſays he to one of the young ladies, who had put her head out of the coach to look at the young child, "ſhe was like your⯑ſelf, heaven bleſs you, as beautiful as Wenus."—"Ah! poor man," ſays the lady, evidently the more intereſted in his ſucceſs by the ſoldier's laſt well-timed remark upon her perſon.—"I and nine more of my comrades," continued the military impoſtor, "were [22] taken priſoners as we boarded the Spaniſh frigate ſword in hand, my good maſter, when we were put in irons till the ſhip bore away for Bar⯑celona; then they hauled us aſhore, and we lay fifteen months, a fortnight, and three days, on the damp floor of a Spaniſh priſon, with no other co⯑vering than an old blanket, full of varmint; and no food but ſtale o⯑nions, black bread, and ſtinking wa⯑ter, your honour."

As the female heart is generally ſuſ⯑ceptible of the ſoft pangs of ſympathy, when liſtening to the misfortunes of the brave, and the Iriſh ladies being equal to any upon earth in gentleneſs, generoſity, and compaſſion, it is no wonder that the young gentlewomen in the carriage ſhould unite to lift the ſup⯑poſed [23] burden of care and want from the ſhoulders of the gallant veteran;— indeed he had no ſooner finiſhed the relation of this well-wove catalogue of woe than they joined in concert to im⯑plore the old gentleman to give him a ſhilling. Upon his expreſſing an opi⯑nion that he thought it too much, they pulled out their purſes, as in uniſon, and, gathering ſix pence a piece, threw it to the ſoldier's wife, who picked it from the road, while he exhibited, in ſilent geſture, as if overpowered with their bounty, ſome well-conceived at⯑titudes, expreſſive of pantomimic gra⯑titude, as the coach drove away from this accidental farce, which was per⯑formed ſo much to the honour of the ladies, and, in my opinion, the degra⯑dation of the ſoldier.

[24]My companion had the grace to watch until the carriage, by deſcending a hill, got intirely eclipſed from our view, when calling to me to come forth, by the well-known ſummons of ‘Fox, come out of your hole!’ I leaped into the path, on the ſide of the highway, while he replaced his knapſack, (which he had taken off for the more conve⯑nient performance of the part he meant to play,) and, after buckling it in pro⯑per order, we ſet off on our peregrina⯑tions once more, having no object now that could ſo materially affect our con⯑templation as the fight of an alehouſe, for which we all looked out, with as much ardour as mariners do for land, when their water and proviſions are ex⯑hauſted.

CHAPTER XVII.

WE were all three pacing along the middle of the high road, to the tune of the Grenadier's March, which the ſoldier was whiſtling, in quick time, while his eyes gliſtened with pleaſure at the ſucceſs which had attended his laſt manoeuvre: and every now and then he caſt them towards me with a leer, as [26] much as to ſay, ‘Don't you think me a damned clever fellow?’ when I in⯑terrupted the progreſs of the tune, by obſerving, that I was a little ſurpriſed how any perſon could retain ſo great a ſhare of animal ſpirits, who had expe⯑rienced ſo many, and ſuch reiterated, hardſhips.— ‘What, you mean the Spaniſh priſon, and the ſtinking wa⯑ter?’ ſays my companion. Upon my replying, "Yes," he burſt out into a fit of immoderate laughter, which he repeated, looking in my face, two or three times ſucceſſively. At laſt, the violent part of his merriment ſubſiding, he aſked me, with a grave countenance, if I believed it.—I told him, to be ſure; the circumſtances appeared to me ſo na⯑tural that I could think of nothing elſe upon which he undeceived me, by telling [27] me, very candidly, that the whole, from beginning to end, was neither more or leſs than a confounded lie.—"What, have you no children in pledge neither?" ſaid I.—"Not one, upon my ſoul," ſaid he, "nor a brat in the world ex⯑cept this young baſtard at my wife's back; and, if any one has a mind to take him into pledge, why, all that I ſay to the matter is, that I'll be damned if I'd take the trouble to redeem him in a hurry."—"How dare you call my child a baſtard, you lob-lolly ſon of a whore," cries the enraged wife.—"No abuſe, Moll," re⯑plies the other, holding up the remain⯑ing arm in a threatening poſition, "be⯑cauſe why, d'ye ſee, if you do, I'll bring you to the halberd, by G—d; ſo, mind me that, if you've a [28] gard for your bones, my girl."— You and your halberd may go to hell together, you louſy, ſcabberoon, raſ⯑cal!" ſays the irritated trull, with her cheeks as red as ſcarlet with indignation, was it for this I left Jack Furlow, to take up with ſuch a lying, thieving, pimping, muſt-be-hanged, dog as you?—you know, you ſcoundrel, that I have it in my power to bring you to the gallows, you leering hound!"

At this laſt intimation the ſoldier thought proper to appeaſe his comrade with all the ſoothing in his power:— "Come, come, Moll," ſays he, "why are you in ſuch a damned paſſion?— you know I was but in jeſt."—"Take care to crack your jeſts in proper time, then," replies ſhe;—"how does this youth know who or what [29] I am?"—"Nay, nay, Moll," rejoins the ſoldier, "there's enough ſaid; if I I have affronted you, why, damme, I'm ſorry for it."—"Baſtard indeed!" mutters the lady.—"Why, ſet in caſe as how I did call Bob a baſtard, Moll," replied the knight of the brown muſket, "you know the thing's natural enough."

I now took an opportunity of put⯑ting an end to this polite colloquy be⯑tween the ſoldier and his trull, by point⯑ing to a public houſe that awaited our entrance, at a ſmall diſtance from the place of diſputation. Here we found the landlord and a Jew pedlar in a warm conteſt about the origin of Chriſtianity, and they contended the matter with ſo much heat, that, although I knew but very little of the ſubject, I readily con⯑cluded [30] they were both in the wrong. The landlord was ſo engaged in his argument, that he took no ſort of no⯑tice of our entering the kitchen until my comrade, by touching him upon the ſhoulder, put him in mind of his duty; upon which he ſtarted up, and, beg⯑ging pardon for his inattention, placed us a long ſtool by the fire-ſide, when we took our feats without any farther ceremony.—"What have you to drink, landlord?" ſays the ſoldier.— Every thing," replies the other.— Have you any good whiſkey? if you have, bring us a naggen apiece," ſays the dealer in gunpowder.—"I think, without vanity, I may ſay, that I have the very beſt whiſkey in the country," rejoins Boniface, "I am ſure I ought, brother ſoldier, for I pays [31] ready money for every drop that comes into my houſe;—no truſt for me;—it was always a ſaying of mine, Never truſt but when needs muſt."—"Oh! damn your palaver, landlord," cries the thirſty ſoldier, "bring but the ſort, d'ye ſee, and leave us to praiſe it;" upon which delicate ſuggeſtion the hoſt inſtantly diſappeared.—

"I ſuppoſe, gentlemans, you have quite tired the gentlewomans," ſays the Jew, for ſhe looks monſhtrouſly jaded."— Oh! by G—d, friend," ſays her helpmate, "it isn't ſo eaſy a matter, as you may imagine, to knock Moll up."—"I only ſhuſt ſpoke," ſays the Jew, "I hope no offenſh."—"Oh! not at all," ſays the other;—"dam⯑me, I like you;—give your hand, my honeſt Iſraelite;—we muſt be better [32] acquainted."—"Witch all my heart," ſays the Jew.—"Will you join in our meſs? we're only taking a ſup of the righteous this morning to warm our ſtomachs, man;—here, take a taſte," ſays the ſoldier, giving the pewter mea⯑ſure to the Jew; which upon putting to his lips, he exclaimed, "I vow to God it iſh raw ſpirits!"—"Raw!" replies the other, "aye, to be ſure; damme, I hate to ſpoil a good thing by mixing it;—but what have you got, Mor⯑decai, in that there box by your ſide?"—"Oh! a choich collection of knives, ſhiſhhors, and raſhors;— perhaps your lady would like a pair of ſhiſhhors; I can ſhew her a pair thatſh fit for any lady in the land;— and, beſides, hereſh a nice pair of ear-rings; they are waſhed, to be [33] ſhure, but what ſhignifies that? they look as well as gold." Both of which articles the ſoldier's trull accepted from the Jew with looks of great compla⯑cency, and would of the whole con⯑tents of his box had he offered them for ſale.—"For the ſhiſhhors I ſhall charge you, becauſh you're a friend, only"— Oh! damn the price," cries the ſol⯑dier, interrupting him, "we'll talk of that by and by;—here, my honeſt fellow, take another ſup; I deſired the landlord to make it weaker for your palate."—"You're vaſhly kind, ſir, upon my veraſhity," ſays the o⯑ther, drinking;—"your good healſh, ſir, and yourſh, madam, and yourſh, my fine boy."—"Which road d'ye take?" ſays the ſoldier to the ped⯑lar.—"I am going up towarſh town," [34] ſays the other.—"That's lucky," ſays the ſoldier, "then we'll travel together; I have a couſin that lives in a vil⯑lage, about twelve miles diſtant, which we muſt paſs through;—he's a great brewer, very rich, and has a particu⯑lar regard for me; and, becauſe I have taken a liking to you, damme, I'll carry you with me to his houſe, and I'll be bound that he ſhall pur⯑chaſe three parts of your cargo."— "I am exſhtremely obliged to you," ſays the other.—"Oh! damme, don't talk of that; I'm but a poor ſoldier myſelf, 'tis true, but then what ſignifies that? I have the heart of a general, by G—d, as our corporal ſays. — Come, then, as we are to travel to⯑gether, why, 'tis time we thought of marching," cries the conſumer of ſalt petre; at the ſame time bracing on his [35] knapſack. —"Your liquor comes to two and twenty pence," ſays the landlord.—"Oh! oh! damme, I for⯑got that," ſays the ſoldier, "but, however, the Jew will diſcharge it; I've got no change at preſent, and I'll repay him at the next place we come to:" upon which the itinerant hardwareman, with ſome manifeſt ſigns of repugnance to the buſineſs, pulled out the money and paid the amount; which being accompliſhed, we all ſet forward in the purſuit of our ſeveral oc⯑cupations.

As we journied along the ſoldier en⯑tertained the Jew with an account of his reſcuing a brother Iſraelite in Ame⯑rica from the hands of ſome Cataban Indians, who had ſeized him as he was croſſing a ſwamp, in order to furniſh a detachment of light horſe with trinkets, [36] and other neceſſaries, who were quar⯑tered within a league of Albany.— "That waſh very good, upon my wordſh," ſays the Jew, "and you will be rewarded hereafter for pro⯑tecting one of our peopleſh."— Oh!" ſays the other, "a good ac⯑tion rewards itſelf; beſides, my heart has always warmed to a Jew, d'ye ſee, ever ſince one of your tribe, one Mo⯑ſes Manaſſes, gave ſome old clothes to relieve a comrade of mine that was ſick in Cork," ſays the ſoldier, at the ſame time winking his eye at me.— "Oh! I dare ſhay as how I knows the man," replies the Jew, "it muſht be a relation of little Solomon Ma⯑naſhes, the pomatum-merchant, in Duke's Place."—"Oh! damme, the very ſame," ſays the other; "I have [37] heard him mention Solomon's name a hundred times; he was his uncle by the mother's ſide, and a deviliſh clever fellow he was, my little Gir⯑gaſhite," replies he, looking at me, and thruſting his tongue in his cheek with a grin.—"Oh! deviliſh clever," ſays the Jew, "he was the beſt maker of Dutch ſealing-wax in all Hounſ⯑ditch."

By this time we were overtaken by two empty cars, which were returning to the next town, after having carried ſome ſtraw to a gentleman's ſeat up the country; and, being all of us a little inclined to be lazy, we procured a ſeat upon the cars, through the mediation of the lame ſoldier, for the promiſe of a quart of ale to the driver on our arrival at the next alehouſe. Accordingly we all [38] mounted upon the vehicle, and, having had but an indifferent night's reſt, I preſently fell aſleep, and did not awake till I was pulled by the legs by my com⯑panion, who informed me that the cars would go no farther.

When I alighted from the carriage, I perceived the Jew and the ſoldier's trull had got a conſiderable way before us; and, upon my expreſſing ſome a⯑ſtoniſhment, my military companion told me, that they were reſolved to puſh on ſmartly, to be able to reach the next town before dark, which place had been previouſly ſettled by all parties as a ge⯑neral rendezvous.

As we trudged along, the merry-hearted ſoldier did not fail to entertain me with ſtories of ſieges and battles, and hair-breadth eſcapes, interlarded with [39] witticiſms, which he delivered in a man⯑ner and dialect peculiar to himſelf.— "Some people," ſays he, "in my ſitu⯑ation, would be damnably down in the mouth, without any money in my pocket, except a couple of crooked ſixpences, and not an ounce of pro⯑viſion, of any kind, in my knapſack, for Moll and me to travel upwards of forty miles; but that does not af⯑fect me, for, when one expedient fails, d'ye ſee, why, I try another.— I am reſolved to get money when I want it; why, if I can get it honeſtly, d'ye ſee me, ſo much the better, but at any rate I'll get it;—I'm none of your mealy-mouthed raſcals that want to be aſked twice to what's good.— But ſtop! what have we here!—ſome quality on horſeback, by all that's [40] lucky!"—and, after bidding me get out of the way, he took a piece of ſoap from his pocket, and, placing it under his tongue, he watched till they were come pretty near, when he fell flat upon his back, and began to beat the ground with his head and hands, and preſently foamed at his mouth prodigiouſly.

As the ſeeming violence of his diſ⯑treſs could not fail to attract their no⯑tice, they all rode up, while he acted the part of a man ſorely afflicted with the epilepſy, or falling-ſickneſs. The company, (which conſiſted of two ladies on horſeback, attended by a young gen⯑tleman, about ſixteen years of age, and an officer in his uniform, with two ſer⯑vants in livery,) ſeeing the ſuppoſed melancholy condition of my comrade, ordered their ſervants to aſſiſt the poor [41] ſoldier. As the bait had ſufficiently taken, and the company were viewing him with ſtrong marks of commiſera⯑tion, he thought proper to grow better, and, ſitting up, affected to ſtare about him, as not knowing where he was, which was attributed, by the pitying circle, to the convulſions which he had undergone.

After being queſtioned as to his name, regiment, the cauſe of his diſorder, and other correſponding circumſtances, he told them, with a look, in which he counterfeited all the wildneſs of ex⯑treme deſpair, the ſame account, word for word, that I heard him relate, on the ſame morning, to the company in the carriage, of the Spaniſh priſon, and its evils, and which, he afterwards aſſured me, was a circumſtantial falſehood: but the man was right in one ſenſe; for he [42] told his tale of miſery with ſuch an art⯑leſs affectation of truth and ſincerity, that they threw him, in ſilver and half-pence, to the tune of ſeventeen pence. After he had fervently prayed to heaven to bleſs them for their charity and be⯑nevolence, they rode off; and he ſtoop⯑ed with alacrity to gather the miſapplied offerings of their deluded liberality.

By the time he had pocketed the do⯑nations of the generous and humane travellers, who, doubtleſs, thought that they were doing an action peculiarly grateful to heaven, I jumped from the ditch, where I had lain hid during the ſoldier's maſterly operation, and joined him company; when, giving me a tre⯑mendous ſlap upon the ſhoulder, he burſt into a loud laugh, and aſked me what I thought of the laſt manoeuvre. [43] Upon my face denoting wonder and amazement, he cried out, with great exultation, ‘Oh! you dog, if you keep me company, I'll teach you how to live;—it isn't done by working; no, damme, let the fooliſh part of the world work, and them that are fond of it, ſay I; for my part of the ſtory, I never was in love with work in my life, and, what's more, by G—d, I don't believe I ever ſhall.’

By the ſucceſſion of artifices which my conſcientious fellow-traveller had put in practice, to delude the generous and benevolent, ſince I had the good fortune to aſſociate with him, I could not avoid looking upon him with a kind of horror and antipathy; inaſmuch as a knowledge of the infamous means he made uſe of, to awaken the ſentiments of [44] pity in the hearts of the good and worthy, would effectually ſteel them in future againſt the ſupplications of real miſery, whenever they might have the pain to encounter it: however, I had reſolved to diſguiſe my ideas of his character as much as poſſible, and, by affecting a compliance with his humours, endea⯑voured to glean ſome wholeſome expe⯑rience, without endangering either my manners or my morals.

As we paced along to overtake our companions, who, by this time, had got the ſtart of us by at leaſt a mile, we came within ſight of a farm-houſe, to which the one-armed veteran propoſed going, for the purpoſe of aſk⯑ing a ruddy-faced damſel, who ſtood at the door, the hour of the day. Upon his aſking the queſtion, ſhe replied, [45] with great civility, that ſhe would go and ſee. The moment that the girl had turned her back, I obſerved my colleague looking about the yard with the eyes of Argus. At laſt, eſpying a well-fed duck, that came waddling to⯑wards us, his chops watered with deſire; and, bidding me wait at the door, he ſtepped on one ſide, and, with an ad⯑mirable alertneſs, ſtruck the duck on the head with a thick oak ſapling, which he carried with him by way of walking-ſtick, and, ere I had well time to contem⯑plate the tranſaction, he had it depoſited in his knapſack; when the young girl returned, and informed us it was almoſt ſix o'clock. The ſoldier, finding that the evening was ſo far advanced, told me that we muſt ſtir our ſtumps, for that we had a good three miles to go [46] over before we ſhould enjoy the com⯑forts of either bub or grub; by which polite epithets I had been already taught to diſtinguiſh the difference between meat and drink.

CHAPTER XVIII.

PHOEBUS had juſt deſcended to the enjoyment of his beloved Thetis when we arrived at the town of—, and found Iſaac (for that was the Jew's name) watching for us at the door of a houſe, dedicated for the purpoſe of en⯑tertaining the weary ſojourner.

[48]Upon the ſoldier's making an inqui⯑ry after his female meſſmate, the Jew told him that ſhe was ſmoking her pipe by the kitchen-fire, whither we all re⯑paired immediately; and, as the demon, hunger, had cauſed ſtrange commotions in the inteſtines of us all, it was propo⯑ſed by the Jew that we ſhould get ſome⯑thing to allay it; upon which the pub⯑lican told our friend Iſaac that he could give him as delicious a ſlice of bacon as ever was broiled on a turf-ſire.—‘A ſlice of vat!’ cries the enraged child of circumciſion, who took this propoſal of the landlord as a direct inſult.—"Why, a ſlice of bacon," cries the other. — Gives me leave to tell you, ſir," re⯑plies the deſcendent of Moſes, "that you are a very impertinent ſhort of a fel⯑low."—"Why, I'll tell you what, [49] friend," ſays the hoſt, "'tis true, I'm obliged to every gentleman for their cuſtom; but what then? why, I won't receive uncivil language from the beſt man in the county; and, if you repeat ſuch language again, friend, damme, I'll ſhave your face for you with an oaken razor," alluding to the Jew's beard, which ornamented his lower jaw from ear to ear, as black and briſtly as a hog's back.—"Whatch that you ſhay?" ſays the Jew, riſing from his ſeat, "you will ſhave me! may I never enter the ſynagogue alive, but if you touch a hair of my beard, but I'll"—"What will you do?" cries the landlord, ſtrut⯑ting up to him.—"Well done, Iſaac," cries the ſoldier, ſlapping him on the back, and puſhing him forward, ‘never mind; by G—d, I'll ſtand by you:’ [50] which aſſurance of ſupport ſpirited the Iſraelite ſo far, that, going up to the landlord, with his arms enfolded, he repeats, ‘Now, ſhir, I ſhay you are an impertinent fellow, and, moreoveriſh, I have a great mind’—Here the Jew's ſentence, like the ſtory in Hudi⯑bras, was abruptly broke off in the mid⯑dle by the incivility of the publican, who, on hearing the word impertinent a ſecond time, grappled a three-legged ſtool that ſtood in his way, with an in⯑tent to knock the Iſraelite on the head; which Iſaac perceiving, dropped inſtant⯑ly upon his knees, and was looking moſt piteouſly up to the ſoldier for relief, when he received ſuch a terrible kick in the mouth from his adverſary, as fairly drove him four yards backward into the fire, where he lay, to all appearance, be⯑reft [51] of life, with the blood guſhing from his ears, mouth, and noſtrils, and his head leaning againſt an iron pot, which hung over the fire with ſome potatoes boiling for the family.

When I perceived the dreadful iſſue of this adventure, I got hold of one of poor Iſaac's arms, and the ſoldier taking hold of the other, we drew him out of the fire; but, he ſtill remaining motion⯑leſs, we depoſited him upon ſome ſtraw, and then left him to recover his ſenſes at leiſure.—Meanwhile the ſoldier, pull⯑ing the dead duck from his knapſack, gave it to the hoſt to get dreſſed, which office he ſet about with wonderous ala⯑crity; when the maimed warrior caſt his eye upon Iſaac's box, which, taking to the window, he opened without cere⯑mony, [52] and made free with a japanned tobacco-box, and a caſe of razors.

We were ſurrounding the fire, liſten⯑ing to the remarks of the laughter-lo⯑ving veteran, which were all made at the expence of poor Iſaac, when the landlord informed us that ſupper was ready. We all obeyed the word of command inſtantaneouſly, and, entering into a ſmall white-waſhed room, ſcarcely high enough for any of us to ſtand up⯑right, found the duck ſmoking on the table, encircled with a great quantity of potatoes, and accompanied with two quarts of fine ale, that mantled in the glaſs like genuine Burgundy.

As we were proceeding to an inſtant demolition of the purloined fowl, we heard Iſaac calling out vociferouſly, ‘Were iſh my boxſh? were iſh my [53] boxſh?’ upon which the ſoldier went out, and, having waſhed the Iſraelite's face with a wet towel, prevailed upon him to come in, and ſup upon a fine duck, which, he aſſured him, upon his honour, his cou⯑ſin, the brewer, had ſent him as a pre⯑ſent, when he heard he was in town.

Upon the ſtrength of this importu⯑nity, Iſaac conſented to make one at the meſs, and, having taken his ſeat at the feſtive board, every man began to play his part; and, indeed, we did it ſo dexterouſly, that, in leſs than ten mi⯑nutes, we had intirely cleared the table, not only of the duck, but of, at leaſt, a ſtone weight of potatoes, which accom⯑panied the delicious morſel by way of a damper.

I obſerved, with attention, the cada⯑verous viſage of the Jew, whenever the [54] landlord entered the room, which changed from its natural hue very much, reſem⯑bling yellow oker, to that of a deadly pale; his lips quivered, and his little black eyes, (ſhadowed with a monſtrous pair of overgrown eye-brows,) which appeared to be more than half buried in his ſcull, were inflamed with malice and revenge; and indeed his whole frame ſeemed to undergo an agitation that ſufficiently denoted the anguiſh and per⯑turbation of his mind. Every time that the brawny hoſt left the room, (a cir⯑cumſtance which the Jew attended to with great watchfulneſs,) he did not fail to utter the ſevereſt denunciations of vengeance; and, upon the ſoldier's tell⯑ing him that it was a great misfortune that he was not born a Chriſtian, the Jew replied with heat, "And, prayſh, [55] my good friend, what betterſh ſhould I have been if Iſh had been born a Chriſtian?"—"Why, you would not retain all this animoſity againſt the landlord," ſays the ſoldier, "becauſe, if ſo be, that you're ſtruck on one cheek, it commands you for to turn the other." —"Oh! it doſh, doſh it?" rejoins the other, "why, then, give me leaveſh to tell you, Maſter Soldier, you Chriſ⯑tians don't appear to me, by your practiſh, to be muſh the better for your education."—" Aye, how d'ye make that out, Moſy?" ſays the ſoldier.— Why, don't they hang the peopleſh from our ſhinagog in London without mer⯑chy," replied the pedlar, "and all, ſo ſhall Got ſhave me, merely becauſe they buy a little plate and jewelſh by way of a bargainſh."—"Aye, aye, you mean, [56] Moſy," ſays the ſoldier, "becauſe they buy ſtolen goods, and ſo you complain, d'ye ſee, becauſe they hang the Jews for being conſarn⯑ed in a robbery; — why, if it wasn't for that, how would you, for inſtance, be able to travel about in ſafety?"—"Why, thatſh very true, upon my ſoul;—hereſh your healſh, my good friend," ſays the Jew, drink⯑ing to the military diſputant, whom he regarded now as a miracle of diſcern⯑ment and integrity;—"by the Got of my fathereſh," added he, "if it was not for the happineſh of your ſhochi⯑ety, I would not ſtay another hour under the roof of this bloody-minded publicanſh."

In this jocund manner did the Jew and the ſoldier paſs their time, in an [57] agreeable tête-à-tête, until one in the morning, by which hour the Iſraelite's rational faculties were all dormant, or, in other words, he was made complete⯑ly drunk, having ſacrificed to Bacchus ſo powerfully, that all thoſe ideas which uſually ſwam uppermoſt in his under⯑ſtanding, ſuch as extortion, deception, malice, and a variety of other paſſions, of the ſame amiable complexion, were now totally obliterated from the tablet of his memory, and lay drowned, not in the Lethean lake, ſo famed by Ovid, yet full as effectually in home-brewed ale. In this beaſtly ſtate of negative exiſt⯑ence did his boſom-friend, the wily de⯑ſtroyer of gunpowder, drag him to bed, with his feet trailing along the ground, as inſenſible of motion as if he had been [58] a dead body actually drawn from the field of battle.

After the ſoldier had properly diſpoſed of the body of this circumciſed ac⯑quaintance, he returned for his box of pedlary wares, and, taking it with him under his arm, wiſhed us a good night, when we all retired to our ſeveral apart⯑ments to reſt.

Having drunk a much greater quan⯑tity of liquor than uſual, I was obliged to riſe in the middle of the night, to grope about for a convenience, when I was diverted from my purpoſe by a ter⯑rible outcry of ‘Thieves! thieves! murder! here's a villain wanting to raviſh me!’ When my terrors had a little ſubſided, I perceived the land⯑lord making towards me in his ſhirt, with a candle in his hand, inquiring [59] where the noiſe came from; which we quickly aſcertained by the ſame outcries being repeated, and, breaking open the door of the room in which the ſoldier, his trull, and the Jew, were contained, we ſaw the former leaning over the bed, in the act of pinioning down the un⯑fortunate Jew, who lay there half a⯑wake, muttering Hebrew, which we conceived, by his attitudes and the roll⯑ing of his eyes, to be prayers, while the trull was exclaiming, ‘Ah! you vil⯑lain; what! want to ruin me, you impudent thief, while my dear huſ⯑band was here too, you dog; but, by the bleſſing of the Holy, you eternal vagabond, I'll make you know your Lord G—d from Tom Bell:’ at the end of which pious denunciation ſhe laid hold of Iſaac's beard, and pulled it with [60] ſuch vigour, that, before the miſerable devil could diſentangle himſelf from her gripe, ſhe had torn a handful of the briſtly ornament of his chin away by the roots.

She had no ſooner quitted her hold, than her precious helpmate, ſeizing him by the ſhirt, in attempting to drag him out of bed, tore it to the bottom; but, failing in that endeavour, he pulled down the bed-clothes, (which Iſaac held be⯑tween his remaining teeth as long as he was able,) and, wielding his ſtick, began to beat the mahogany carcaſs of the Jew without an idea of compaſſion; but Iſaac, not reliſhing that kind of exerciſe, leaped out of bed with the celerity of a doe, and, before his aſſailant could well turn round, had ſecreted himſelf in the chimney, where he remained, uttering yells and lamentations more diſmal than [61] were ever made by Nebuchadnezzar during his reſidence in the wilderneſs.

From the knowledge I had of my companion's artifices, and the extraor⯑dinary methods by which he ſeemed to eke out a ſubſiſtence, I had no doubt but that this attempt on the chaſtity of his lady, which was imputed to the Jew, was no other than a preconcerted ſcheme between this amiable pair to bring the Iſraelite into trouble, and take advan⯑tage of his conſternation; and, in the ſequel, I found that my ſuſpicions were but too well founded.

Upon the reiterated promiſes of the landlord, that his perſon ſhould be un⯑moleſted, the grief-laden deſcendent of Mordecai ventured to leave his unſa⯑voury retreat, and made his appearance, covered and defiled with foot, and trem⯑bling [62] with the ſeveral impulſes of feat and cold like an aſpen-leaf.

After inquiring for his clothes, he dreſſed himſelf in the beſt manner he was able, and, at intervals, was talking to himſelf in a language that we could not comprehend, when the landlord taxed him with the crime that was laid to his charge, and was painting the heniouſ⯑neſs of the offence, and that the laws of the land would even juſtify the ſoldier in taking away his life in ſuch a ſitua⯑tion: when the mortified Iſaac fell upon his knees, and proteſted that he was in⯑nocent of the crime of having attempt⯑ed to debauch any man's wife; and, ſtriking his breaſt with great emotion, he ſwore, ‘Dat iſh Cot's truth, ſo ſhall Cot ſave me, ſo ſhall Cot damn me.’

[63]The Jew, finding himſelf environed now with enemies on all ſides, deter⯑mined to get out of the houſe as faſt as poſſible, and ſet about it with as much induſtry as was ever exerciſed by Ulyſſes, or any of his companions, to make their eſcape from the dangerous cave of Po⯑lyphemus. After ſcrambling for his tat⯑tered veſtments, the next grand object that engroſſed his imagination was the box, which contained all his portable merchandiſe, and by the help of which, under the management of an infinite deal of cunning, did he fondly hope to be one day able to ſit down, bleſt with wealth, (gleaned from the uncircumci⯑ſed,) among his brethren of the ſyna⯑gogue, who eat and drink, in filth and abomination, agreeable to the law of Moſes.

[64]But, alas! the hours that he had un⯑luckily ſpent in the company of my exemplary fellow-traveller, the ſoldier, were doomed by fate to be unpropi⯑tious to poor Iſaac; and indeed it was predeſtined that he ſhould ſuffer ſo much, that I ardently wiſh the evils that attended him, on that memorable day, may be conſidered as ſufficiently expiatory for his former mal-practices.

When, after a ſearch of one hour, he had recovered his box, he opened it with great trepidation and avidity, to ſee if every thing was ſafe, when, lo! to his unſpeakable mortification, he miſſed full three-fourths of its contents. He had no ſooner made the diſcovery than the roof echoed with his cries and execra⯑tions; — ‘Oh! by the Cot of my fa⯑thereſh, but I am robbed of all my [65] propertiſh!’ cries the miſerable Iſaac; and, feeling in his pocket at the ſame time, he found his purſe had decamped alſo; when he added, in heart-rending notes of deep-toned woe,—‘and my moniſh! my moniſh! ſo help me Cot, Iſh loſt my moniſh!’

During the whole of this tranſaction, the ſoldier was employed in telling the landlord that he knew Iſaac's pranks of old, and that he was ſure, inſtead of being robbed himſelf, as he was com⯑plaining, that he had actually purloined ſomething belonging to the publican, and, in order to eſcape that and pay⯑ing his reckoning, he had raiſed this artificial outcry about a loſs which he had never experienced. — "Fate and trot," ſays the landlord, "your ſtory is very likely, and I'm much obliged [66] to you for the hint; for, though I never had a Jew lodge with me be⯑fore, by my ſoul I always heard they were a ſet of damned rogues."

Iſaac, ſtill continuing obſtinate to the text he firſt ſet out upon, and making a terrible outery about his loſſes, threat⯑ened to have the landlord before a juſ⯑tice of the peace in the morning, and, by certain nods, winks, and inſinuations, gave us to underſtand, that he verily be⯑lieved he had a hand in the buſineſs; which ſo nettled the hoſt, that he in⯑ſtantly collared the terrified Iſraelite without ceremony, and ſwore he would ſearch him inſtantly, for he believed, that, inſtead of being robbed of the ar⯑ticles he was making ſuch a hideous yell about, he had ſecreted ſome of his pro⯑perty; and ſwore, for the ſlurs he had [67] thrown upon his character, that, if he found any thing belonging to him con⯑cealed about his perſon, of the value of tenpence, he would hang him like a dog at the next aſſizes.

With the aſſiſtance of his other gueſts he threw the Jew upon the floor, and, putting his hand in his coat-pocket, pulled out a tremendous ſlice of fat pork, in weight, moderately ſpeaking, about five pounds, which the ſoldier had pre⯑viouſly conveyed into his pockets, while he was buſtling about his loſſes.

Upon this inconteſtible proof of his guilt, the landlord ſeized the Jew as his priſoner, and, tying his arms behind him with a ſtrong cord, forced him into the cellar, where he remained a cloſe cap⯑tive until the morning, when they took him from his dungeon, to carry him [68] before a juſtice of the peace, with a face as rueful as ever was exhibited.

The ſtory of the robbery had by this time gained ſo much ground, that a great number of boys had gathered round the door, waiting, with anxious expectation, for the appearance of the perſecuted Iſraelite; who was no ſooner conducted into the ſtreet than they ſet up a roar of exultation, and continued to torment the poor wretch with the bittereſt ſarcaſms upon his religion and the nature of the theft, as the bacon was carried before him, elevated on a pole, amidſt the ſhouts of the ſurrounding multitude; all which indignities Iſaac bore in ſilence, "with a patient ſhrug," until they arrived at the magiſtrate's.

When they were proceeding to the examination of the culprit, it was diſ⯑covered [69] that the principal evidence was wanting;—in ſhort, the ſoldier, having a natural repugnance to the ſmell of juſ⯑tice, had taken an opportunity, during the buſtle occaſioned by the progreſs of ſo comical a cavalcade, to decamp a la ſourdine; or, in other words, he moved off without beat of drum, and left the deluded publican to make the beſt of the circumſtance, and to depend for his eſcape, from the perplexities that then ſurrounded him, on his own talents and ingenuity.

CHAPTER XIX.

HAVING conceived a moſt inſu⯑perable averſion to my military companion, in conſequence of the vi⯑ciouſneſs of his diſpoſition, which had been manifeſted on ſo many occaſions in the ſhort time that I had the honour of his acquaintance, I ſecretly rejoiced [71] at his retreat, and determined for the future to be more guarded and circum⯑ſpect in the choice of my aſſociates.

Being now within a few miles of the capital, I ſet forward with all poſſible haſte, in order to reach it before the evening, which I ſhould have found a difficulty in effecting, if I had not rode upon a car, that was carrying corn to the Dublin market, for at leaſt ſix miles of the road.

When I firſt entered the city, every thing around me ſtruck me with amaze⯑ment. Having been uſed, from my infancy, to ſee the ſocieties of mankind compriſed within the narrow compaſs of a country town, I had no idea of all that buſtle, noiſe, and confuſion, which characteriſes the metropolis of a com⯑mercial kingdom; — the ſtreets, car⯑riages, [72] and public buildings, appeared like ſo many objects raiſed by the power of enchantment.

I had ſtrolled through ſeveral ſtreets, totally ignorant of the beſt method to purſue, and wrapt up in contemplation and wonder, when the wind in my bowels and the gnawing in my ſtomach put me in mind that it was abſolutely neceſſary I ſhould eat; and this ſug⯑geſtion called forth a hundred others, equally diſagreeable; for the reader will recollect, that I had before loſt every farthing I was worth in the wide world.

I remained for ſome minutes abſorbed in reflexion, when, not knowing whither to direct my weary ſteps in ſearch of either a meal to eat or a lodging to ſleep in, I burſt into a flood of tears, [73] and was actually ſtanding in the middle of the ſtreet a public ſpectacle of want and wretchedneſs, when I received a familiar ſlap upon the ſhoulder, accom⯑panied with ‘Damn ye, Jack, what do you ſnivel for, you dog?’ Upon my turning round, I perceived a gen⯑tleman, about thirty years of age, with a good-humoured countenance, well dreſſed, an oak ſapling under his arm, and a cockade in his hat. He inquired into the cauſe of my ſorrow with a de⯑gree of attention and curioſity, that ſuf⯑ficiently aſſured me his heart was in⯑fluenced by the ſoft dictates of huma⯑nity, though his language and his man⯑ners ſavoured ſomewhat of roughneſs.

When he was acquainted with the particulars of my life, he told me that I had been obliged to weather ſome hard [74] gales, to be ſure, conſidering I was lit⯑tle better than a cock-boat at preſent, and not much ballaſt on-board;—"but what of that, my lad," ſays the ge⯑nerous ſtranger; "who knows but you may be the better for it as long as you live? — come, give me your hand; — if you have a mind to live with me, d'ye ſee, as my ſervant, why, you ſhall be welcome, and en⯑ter into preſent pay and good quar⯑ters: — what d'ye ſay, you dog?"— is it a match?"

I thanked him for his friendſhip, and told him, if he pleaſed, that I would fol⯑low him throughout the wide world; and indeed, at the inſtant I ſpoke, my heart accorded perfectly with my profeſſions, as I was much attached to his intereſt [75] from the open and ſincere manner in which he accoſted me.

After following my new maſter for near a mile, we ſtopped at a genteel houſe, in the neighbourhood of College-green, which I ſoon found was his place of reſidence, when he informed his landlady that he had hired me as his ſervant; at the ſame time ordering me to get my ſupper and go to bed, as he had no doubt but I was greatly fatigued; and that he ſhould have occaſion for me early in the morning. Indeed, there required but little preſſing, on his part, to oblige me to execute ſo agreeable an order, for, what with faſting and exer⯑ciſe, my guts were actually in a ſtate of open rebellion: however, the next morning I entered upon my new ſtate of ſervitude, and felt the moſt eager [76] deſire for my maſter's riſing, under whoſe banners I propoſed living, for the future, with the utmoſt degree of eaſe and tranquillity.

The ſervants of the houſe, with whom I had ſupped the preceding even⯑ing, gave him the moſt amiable cha⯑racter imaginable, and I learnt from them that the name of my benefactor was O'Driſcol, and lieutenant of a man of war, who had obtained leave of his cap⯑tain, who then lay at Portſmouth, to pay a viſit to his relations in Ireland. They farther informed me, that I might expect to be very comfortable in my new ſituation, as Mr. O'Driſcol poſ⯑ſeſſed every virtue under heaven but one, which was oeconomy; to which neceſſary ingredient in the human com⯑poſition he was ſo utter a ſtranger, that [77] he very frequently ſupplied the wants of the neceſſitous and importunate, and left himſelf without a ſhilling.

It was near eleven before I was ſum⯑moned by the bell to prepare my maſter's breakfaſt, which I underſtood, from the ſervants of the family, was generally cold beef and grog, which is a beverage pe⯑culiarly palatable to ſeamen, made of rum, water, and ſugar. When I enter⯑ed my maſter's chamber, he accoſted me with, ‘Well, Tony, you dog, how did you ſleep?—was the hammock convenient?—but I ſuppoſe as how, that, what with travelling, and the cargo of freſh proviſions you ſtowed in your hold laſt night, you'd have ſlept at the main top-maſt head of a man of war in the Bay of Biſcay:— but, come, have they told you what [78] ſort of a breakfaſt I eat?’—When I anſwered in the affirmative, and in⯑formed him that I had laid it for him in the dining-room, he ſallied out in his night-gown and ſlippers, and, ſit⯑ting down at the table, attacked the beef and bread with the appetite of an alderman. After he had demoliſhed about two pounds of ſolid beef, and drunk a quart of grog, he ordered me to take away the things, and get my own breakfaſt. — ‘I hope you don't want tea,’ ſays my maſter.—I aſſu⯑red him that I ſhould always think my⯑ſelf extremely happy with a piece of beef and bread for my breakfaſt. — "Aye, you dog, that's right," ſays the lieutenant, "I turned off my ſer⯑vant a day or two ago, becauſe he could not do without tea, and be [79] damned to him;—for my part, Tony, I deteſt tea; I think it a weed that has already done a damned deal of miſchief to old England, and I believe, in my heart, can never poſſibly do any good either to the body politic or na⯑tural."

My maſter was proceeding in vehe⯑ment exclamations againſt the perni⯑cious tendency of tea, when his diſ⯑courſe was interrupted by the arrival of a brother-officer. After the mutual exchange of a few ſalutations, which appeared much higher tinctured with ſin⯑cerity than refinement, he dreſſed; and, giving me a few general orders, theſe ſons of Neptune went forth arm in arm.

I had now leiſure to reflect upon the comforts that I enjoyed in my new em⯑ployment, which, contraſting with my [80] former ſituation with Calomel, and the ſubſequent miſeries I had experienced, made me as completely bleſt in imagi⯑nation as I believe it poſſible for a hu⯑man creature to be.

At length the hour arrived that it was uſual for my maſter to come home to dinner, when, not ſeeing him, it was conjectured by the family that he had met with ſome engagement accidental⯑ly, which had prevented him: however, the evening came, and we heard no⯑thing of the lieutenant, which created ſome alarms upon his account in the breaſts of all the people of the houſe, to whom he had particularly endeared himſelf by the goodneſs of his heart and the affability of his manners.

At laſt night approached, and yet we heard no tidings of my maſter. Now [81] every one appeared intereſted for his welfare. The miſtreſs of the houſe, knowing the warmth of his diſpoſition, entertained an idea that he might have got into ſome ugly affray, which had ended in a duel, and he, perhaps, ‘poor, ſweet, gentleman,’ (as ſhe phraſed it,) had loſt his life.

But our fears, on that ſcore, all ſub⯑ſided about eleven o'clock, when a man with a ſtern and forbidding aſpect knock⯑ed at the door, and aſked for Lieutenant O'Driſcol's ſervant; at the ſame time informing the family that my maſter was arreſted for a bond of two hundred pounds, and now lay in confinement at a ſpunging-houſe in Thomas-ſtreet.

The horror which I felt, and indeed every perſon in the houſe, on hearing the above intelligence, may be more [82] eaſily conceived than deſcribed; how⯑ever, recollecting the orders of my maſter, I followed the grim-looking conductor to the officer's houſe who had arreſted him.

When I came to that dreary abode of miſery, I paſſed through two doors, covered over with plates of iron, the keys of which were kept by a tall, raw⯑boned, man, whoſe countenance was ſo terrific, in my idea, that I trembled with apprehenſion as I paſſed by him to my maſter, whom I found in a ſmall, filthy, room, ſitting by the fire-ſide, leaning upon a greaſy oak table, with his head reclined upon his hand, and diſcourſing with an ill-looking fellow, who ſat op⯑poſite, (whom I afterwards found to be the bailiff himſelf,) with the moſt per⯑fect compoſure and familiarity.

[83]When I entered the room, the lieu⯑tenant ordered me to ſit down; and, calling for pen, ink, and paper, he wrote a letter, which having ſealed up, he privately informed me of the place where the perſon lived to whom he had directed it; at the ſame time aſſuring the officer, that his friend would ſatisfy him for the debt the inſtant he ſhould arrive; to which this human harpy replied, ‘I am very glad to hear it, maſter; for why, now, ſhould I wiſh to keep a good-natured gentleman, as you ſeem to be, d'ye ſee, locked up here?—to be ſure I get a trifle by the wine, but what ſignifies all that?—But I per⯑ceive, as how, that our bottle's out;— here, you Bet!’ cries the bailiff;— upon which the fellow who had con⯑ducted [84] me to the houſe told his em⯑ployer, that his wife was below ſtairs, cooking the gentleman's ſupper. — ‘Here, then," ſays the ferocious chief, take this here bottle down to the bitch, and tell her to ſend another full of claret;—bid her to ſend the right ſort;—d'ye hear, Peter?—you underſtand me,’ ſays the bailiff; at the ſame time tipping his underſtrapper a wink.—"Aye, aye," ſays the other, and inſtantly diſappeared; when the bailiff, reſuming the thread of his con⯑verſation, proceeded,—‘As I was ſay⯑ing, maſter, ſuppoſe I do get a trifle by the wine, it's all nothing, d'ye ſee me, becauſe why, the taxes eat us up.’ — Here his elegant apology was interrupted; for, by this time, my maſter, having ſealed and directed the [85] letter, gave me poſitive orders to de⯑liver it into none but the gentleman's own hands, and to return to him with all poſſible haſte.

When I read the ſuperſcription, I found it directed to a Captain Pennant, who lived at one of the quays, leading down to the water-ſide. I literally o⯑beyed my maſter's injunctions, and, by good luck, got a man to ſhew me to the captain's houſe. I knocked at the door, and inquired if ſuch a perſon lodged there, and if he was at home; upon which I was ſhewed up ſtairs, and found the lieutenant's friend, with five or ſix more gentlemen of the navy, ſacrificing warmly to Bacchus, and drowning the ſorrows of the day in a capacious bowl of rum-punch.

[86]When I had delivered my letter, which the captain read with ſigns of evident emotion, he ſhewed it to his companions, who, upon peruſing it, ſtarted from their ſeats, and propoſed an inſtantaneous viſit to my maſter, but, being oppoſed in this project by the interpoſition of their chief, they deſiſt⯑ed; the captain at the ſame time order⯑ing me to go back to the lieutenant immediately, and inform him that he would follow me with a wet ſail, and procure his releaſe, in leſs than an hour.

As I conceived theſe to be the ti⯑dings of joy, I hurried back to the ſpunging-houſe as faſt as my legs could carry me, and informed my maſter of the iſſue of my errand; upon which he ordered more wine, and treated the bailiff and his people with as much as [87] they could drink, till at laſt the prin⯑cipal himſelf fell aſleep in his chair, and the reſt of his infernal group began to reel under the influence of the purple god.

I had not returned above half an hour, when we heard a buſtle at the outer door, which increaſed to that violence at laſt as rouſed the attention of the bailiff, who had by this time fallen aſleep. Preſently in ruſhes Captain Pennant, fol⯑lowed by ſeven or eight ſtout ſeamen, who inſtantly ſecured the grim member of the law and two of his people. The third, who ſtood centinel at the door, foreſeeing the nature of the captain's viſit, (who was no other than the commander of a preſs-gang, at that time ſtationed in Dublin, for the purpoſe of procuring recruits to man the navy,) flew up ſtairs, followed [88] by two ſailors, who touched the ſkirt of his coat juſt as he got out upon the leads of the houſe; and, in endeavour⯑ing to leap over to the top of the oppo⯑ſite manſion, he made a falſe ſtep, and fell down from an eminence, four ſtory high, into a blind alley, which ſeparated the two houſes, and, pitching plump upon his head, fractured his ſcull, and died upon the ſpot.

As for the bailiff and his followers, the ſailors, after ſtripping and tying them together, forced them into a hack⯑ney-coach, which happened to be paſſ⯑ing by; and, making the coachman get up behind, the ſailors mounted on the box and roof, and drove the carriage down to the water-ſide, where a boat was waiting, into which they forced the unfortunate bailiff and his adherents, and [89] lodged them ſafe in the hold of a tender, that lay in Dublin bay, at the ſilent hour of two in the morning; my maſter, the captain, and myſelf, going to the houſe of a friend in his neighbourhood, where it was propoſed that he ſhould remain until an opportunity offered of his going on-board the firſt packet that ſailed for England; his remaining any longer in Dublin, after that adventure, being con⯑ſidered by his friends as a meaſure at⯑tended with too much danger.

CHAPTER XX.

MY maſter having received notice that a Liverpool packet would ſail in the evening, we inſtantly ſet about [91] a preparation for our watery expedition. The lieutenant ſpent the remaining part of the day in taking leave of his friends, among whom none had a warmer place in his eſteem than Captain Pennant. I found, from their diſcourſe, that the in⯑timacy had ſubſiſted ever ſince they were at ſchool, and that they had both ſerved together in the capacity of midſhipmen on-board the Dreadnought man of war; and likewiſe that the debt, for which my maſter had been arreſted, was not of his own contracting, but what he had brought upon himſelf in conſequence of his benevolence, having given his bond to relieve the family of a friend in the deepeſt diſtreſs, upon the moſt ſolemn aſſurances from the perſon re⯑lieved, that he never ſhould be a ſuf⯑ferer by his good-nature, as he ſhould [92] have the means of taking up the bond long before it became due.

A ſailor having been diſpatched from the captain of the packet, to inform us that the veſſel would fall down the river on the turn of tide, which would happen in half an hour, we were obliged to manage our affairs accordingly; the lieutenant, to avoid the poſſibility of being known, having previouſly dreſſed himſelf in a ſuit of womens apparel, which the captain had got from his land⯑lady for the purpoſe.—A coach being called to the door, in ſtepped my maſ⯑ter, the captain, and another gentle⯑man, with a large cargo of ſea ſtores, conſiſting of a cold boiled ham, a pair of fowls, bread, brandy, and claret.

When we arrived at the place of our deſtination, at George's quay, and were [93] putting our proviſions in the boat, I felt the moſt unpleaſing regret at the idea of leaving my native land, perhaps for ever, and though not quite ſixteen years of age, ſo forcibly did the idea diſtreſs me, and ſo much did the love of my country cling about my heart, that I actually wept with my diſtreſs; but, turning my head round to look at the reſt of the paſſengers, and obſerving that they all appeared in a ſtate of per⯑fect indifference as to that event, I thought the amiable emotions of pa⯑triotiſm were unmanly, and ſecretly wi⯑ped away the tears that bedewed my cheeks, unnoticed by my maſter or the reſt of the company.

After indulging a ſilent reverie for a few minutes, my curioſity was thorough⯑ly rouſed by the novelty of the objects [94] that ſurrounded me, and the pleaſures of my ſight had completely diſſipated the anxieties of thought. I now, for the firſt time in my life, found myſelf ſailing on the boſom of the water, ſurrounded by a number of perſons of all ages, condi⯑tions, and deſcriptions. The boat which we were in appeared to me ready to ſink with the weight of its burden; and, when I inquired of one of the ſailors how far we were to proceed in that man⯑ner, and underſtood that the packet lay at the diſtance of at leaſt a league from the place of our embarkation, I felt a cold ſweat on all my limbs, and, not⯑withſtanding the force of my curioſity, I could not help wiſhing myſelf back a hundred times; however, after a ſafe and agreeable ſail, of about half an hour, down the Liffey, with the waters [95] beautifully illumined by the ſetting ſun, the ſheds of Clontarf forming a charming back ground at a diſtance, and the horizon bounded by the purple majeſty of the hill of Howth, we arrived at the ſide of the packet as the ſailors on-board were buſy in unbending the ſails, preparatory to our voyage.

As the paſſengers roſe from their ſeats, in order to embark on-board the veſſel, I had a fair opportunity of ſurveying their perſons. The number in the boat was nearly fifty, out of which I could eaſily diſtinguiſh about one-third to be cabin-paſſengers. The reſt were moſtly Iriſh haymakers, or, what in that coun⯑try are called, ſpalpeens, who were going over to England to perform the drudge⯑ries of agriculture, and be ready againſt the enſuing harveſt.

[96]When the captain had got them all on-board, he made them immediately deſcend, one by one, into the hold, or bottom of the veſſel, where I underſtood they were to remain until the packet ar⯑rived at Liverpool, in company with four horſes and a brood-mare, which were ſlung in the center, as their aſſo⯑ciates. When they had all deſcended to their wooden couch, the mate of the packet faſtened down the hatch-way, and left them to ſhift for a bed below as well as they were able.

The company in the cabin conſiſted now of ſeventeen perſons, among whom was a celebrated comedian, returning from his theatrical engagements in Dub⯑lin; a Methodiſt preacher, who had been propagating the Goſpel in Ireland, a⯑greeable to the doctrine of John Weſley; a Liverpool attorney; a Scotch phyſi⯑cian; [97] an officer of horſe; a young Con⯑naught noviciate, who was going to ſtudy divinity in the Iriſh college at Paris; a Quaker from Waterford, with his wife; a cuſtom-houſe officer; a fiſh⯑woman from George's-quay; a young gentleman, going out as a cadet in the Eaſt-India Company's ſervice; with a pawnbroker's widow and her two daughters; my maſter habited as a young lady, with a black bonnet and cloak; and myſelf.

After a vaſt deal of altercation about priority, in regard to the beds in the cabin, it was at laſt ſettled that the la⯑dies ſhould have the preference, and the men ſhift for themſelves; a determi⯑nation that ſeemed perfectly agreeable to all the company except the exciſe-man, who, grumbling at the deciſion, [98] obſerved, that it was but juſt, as they all paid equally for their accommoda⯑tion, that they ſhould all fare alike.— He was proceeding in his remark with great bitterneſs, when the officer, ap⯑proaching him with a ſtern brow, told him, that the ladies had done him the honour to put themſelves under his protection, and, upon the ſtrength of ſuch authority, he requeſted them to take poſſeſſion of thoſe beds which were moſt agreeable to themſelves.

At this laconic intimation, the ex⯑ciſe-man thought proper to drop the ſubject; and, ſkulking into a corner by himſelf, the ladies proceeded to fix upon their place of repoſe, which was an in⯑ner room, detached from the cabin by a glaſs door, into which they all enter⯑ed, my maſter included, and, getting [99] into their ſeveral beds, prepared them⯑ſelves, in the beſt manner they were able, to encounter that dreadful ſick⯑neſs, which a certain qualmiſhneſs in their ſtomachs informed them was very rapidly approaching.—As for the reſt of the tenants of the cabin, they be⯑took themſelves to their ſeveral quarters with the utmoſt alacrity; and happy was he who could ſcud the faſteſt; for, ha⯑ving weighed anchor, and the veſſel being under way, ſhe began to roll in the waves from one ſide to the other, to the great annoyance of the ſquamiſh ſons of freſh water, with which the veſ⯑ſel was crouded.

Night began to ſpread her ſable man⯑tle over one half of this habitable globe, when the captain, coming into the ca⯑bin, told his paſſengers that we had [100] cleared the light-houſe, at the entrance of the harbour, and were now going right before the wind in the bay, with as fine a gale as heart could wiſh.

He had ſcarce made this declara⯑tion, when, in tacking about, the ſhip gave a terrible plunge, which ſo alarmed the Methodiſt, that, putting his head out of his birth, he aſked the captain if he was ſure we were all ſafe; if not, he begged him, for the love of God, to tell him, that he might have time to ſay his prayers, and intercede with the Almighty for the precious ſouls of the children of ſin on-board, who had never known the comforts of the new birth.—"Oh! never mind trifles," re⯑plies the tarpawling, "I'll be damned but you're as ſafe here as in your own bed."—"Oh! don't ſwear, you mon⯑ſter [101] of impiety," cries the preacher, when ſuch wickedneſs, and profana⯑tion, is on-board, I ſhould not marvel if we all went to the bottom."

He had ſcarce uttered the laſt ſylla⯑ble, when the fiſh-woman, who ſlept in the inner apartment, opened the door with her hand, and put out her head, which, notwithſtanding the aſſiſtance of a dirty woollen night-cap, appeared as unamiable and hideous as the ſign of the Saracen's, being covered with car⯑buncles all over, which made her look at a diſtance ſomewhat like a fiery meteor, or blazing countenance, with a pair of ſmall grey eyes, that ſhone with unu⯑ſual fury upon this occaſion; — when this fiſh-dealing amazon had opened the door, ſhe accoſted the captain of the packet in the following eloquent ad⯑monition: [102] —"Here's a pretty rig, blaſt my limbs, that I am to pay my good-looking guinea for ſleeping here, and be diſturbed by that canting, louſy, muſt-be-damned, ſcoundrel."—"Out upon thee, thou vile daughter of Sa⯑tan," cries the Methodiſt. — "Out upon me, indeed!" cries the other, out upon yourſelf, you dirty, coward⯑ly, ſnivelling, hypocritical, raſcal."— I defy thee, thou ungodly woman," replies the preacher, "and, if you don't turn aſide from the path of abomina⯑tions, you will become as polluted as the whore of Babylon."

At the mention of the word whore, the fiſhmonger's lady, loſing all pa⯑tience, leaped from her bed with the agility of a greyhound, and, flying a⯑croſs the cabin, would have left the [103] poor Methodiſt no reaſon to pride him⯑ſelf upon his admonitions, had not the captain, apprehenſive of the conſe⯑quences, interpoſed, and aſſured her, that he was certain the gentleman in black did not mean to offend her. — "How dare he call me whore then?" replies the enraged female, "I, to whoſe character no one dares ſay, black is the white of my eye." — "I did not mean to call you whore," ſays the other.—"Who did you call whore then?" ſays the oiſter-vender. — "Why, the pope of Rome," cries the Metho⯑diſt, he is the great ſcarlet whore of iniquity, that, like a bottomleſs gulf, ſwalloweth up the blind and the un⯑wary."—"And how dare ſuch a fel⯑low as you treat his holineſs with ir⯑reverence?" cries the young novi⯑ciate, [104] touched to the quick at the laſt declaration of the preacher's, ‘by my conſcience, friend, you ought to have that tongue of your's cut out of your head, for making uſe of expreſſions ſo diſreſpectful to the ſublime head of the catholic religion, ſo you ought.’

This laſt acrimonious remark ope⯑rated upon the mind of the Methodiſt like a ſpark of fire upon a train of gun-powder, for, in his religious opinions, he was inflexible as adamant, and would indeed have conſidered himſelf as a bleſſed martyr to the faith that he pro⯑feſſed, had he died in the act of deny⯑ing the pope's ſupremacy. Strengthen⯑ed with this enthuſiaſm, he inſtantly turned about to anſwer the young cham⯑pion of his holineſs, who lay in a com⯑partment [105] immediately above him, there being three, one over the other, erected on each ſide of the veſſel, to contain beds for the accommodation of the paſſengers.

As ſoon as the preacher had turned himſelf round, he began to inveigh moſt bitterly againſt the encroachments of popery on the liberties of mankind, and was actually proceeding, with all the vehemence he was able, to ſcandaliſe the infallible father and his followers, when the exciſe-man, who ſlept in the upper tier of beds, being ſeized with a ſudden fit of ſickneſs, and, to avoid bemiring his own neſt with the nauſeous contents of his ſtomach, pops his head over the ſide of the cabin, and inſtantly diſcharged, on the moſt moderate cal⯑culation, at leaſt a quart of foetid li⯑quids [106] plump into the face of the angry Methodiſt, who lay upon his back, with his mouth wide open, railing, with all the fury of a bigot, againſt the young prieſt in petto, who had offended him, and was collecting all the force of his lungs to give a ſtrong emphaſis to the words ſcarlet whore, which he had re⯑peated before with uncommon energy, when the exciſe-man unluckily diſem⯑boguing at that inſtant, the greateſt part of the ſolid matter falling into the ſaint's mouth, made the beſt of its way down his throat, and, fairly choking up all the paſſages of ſpeech, left the miſe⯑rable diſciple of John Weſley an object of pity and abhorrence.

It was ſome minutes before he could make his caſe known to the cabin-boy, who lay ſleeping before the fire, which [107] when he had effected at laſt with infinite difficulty, the young retainer of Nep⯑tune, with great compoſure, lighted a candle, and, ſeeing the forlorn ſtate of the itinerant ſon of regeneration, in⯑ſtantly went upon deck, and, in the twinkling of an eye, brought down a mop and a bucket of ſalt water. With the former he rubbed off the filth from the face of the unhappy wight, and com⯑pleted the act of purification by daſhing the latter into his face, without either moderation or mercy; but, not per⯑forming the laſt operation with all that adroitneſs and dexterity which it un⯑doubtedly required, a great part of the briny application running down his bo⯑ſom into the bed, left him as fairly de⯑luged in ſalt water as if the ſhip had ſunk to the bottom of the Channel.

[108]As ſoon as he had recovered the uſe of the organs of ſpeech, he ſet up a dreadful yell, that made the cabin ring, which the major part of the paſſengers taking for a ſignal that the packet had met with ſome accident, and was foun⯑dering at ſea, leaped from their beds, half dead with fear and horror, and ran after one another upon deck, like ſo many ſheep through a broken fence, to ſee their danger, and, if poſſible, ſwim for their lives. The man at the helm, aſtoniſhed at the unuſual appearance of ſo many perſons upon deck in their ſhirts, in the middle of the night, took them for apparitions, and was ſo appalled with fear, that, quitting his rudder, he made the beſt of his way up the ſhrouds, and left the veſſel to the mercy of the waves, till the captain, who was ſleeping in the [109] ſteerage, hearing of the accident and outcry, ran up, and, finding the helm deſerted, was almoſt frantic with mad⯑neſs, and proceeded to utter a volley of dreadful oaths; which the preacher no ſooner heard than he began to admoniſh him for his wickedneſs, and, though half dead himſelf with cold, he could not reſiſt ſo favourable an opportunity of reclaiming a ſinner, and bringing him once more into the paths of peace. For this pious purpoſe he had mounted upon the hatch-way of the veſſel, and began to exhort the ferocious com⯑mander to think of the perils of his ſi⯑tuation, and not riſk the ſalvation of his precious ſoul, in ſuch an hour of danger, by expreſſions that were fraught with ſin and unholineſs; and, lifting up his hands, with great fervency, he [110] was reminding them of the inſtability of their ſituation, and uttering that quota⯑tion from holy writ, which runs thus, ‘Now you ſee me, and in a little time you ſhall not ſee me,’ when the veſ⯑ſel gave a violent heave, which not only drove the preacher from his temporary roſtrum, but unfortunately pitched him head-foremoſt into the hold of the pack⯑et, where he alighted, with prodigious alacrity, amidſt a number of poor crea⯑tures from Munſter, who lay there hud⯑dled together on their paſſage to Eng⯑land for the purpoſe of making hay, intermixed with the horſes, who were ſo much offended with the rude and un⯑welcome viſit of the puritan, that one of them, who lay moſt convenient for the occaſion, gave him ſuch a tremen⯑dous kick upon his poſteriors, as fairly [111] drove him three yards diſtance againſt the ſide of the ſhip, where he lay, ut⯑tering the moſt piteous yells that were ever heard to iſſue from the lungs of a human being.

CHAPTER XXI.

AS ſoon as the general conſternation had a little ſubſided, and the com⯑pany had congratulated each other upon their ſuppoſed eſcape from imminent death, a general inquiry was made as to the fate of the poor apoſtle, when, lo! he was brought down to his birth in the cabin in ſuch a lamentable ſtate, that it [113] was the general opinion of the paſſen⯑gers that a final ſtop was put to his ar⯑duous labours in future, and that his religious peregrinations, in this world, would be no more; however, he was put to bed, with infinite caution, where he ſoon fell aſleep, and convinced us, by the inelegant tones of his ſnoring, that he determined to remain among us ſome time longer.

The different parties were now court⯑ing a little reſt, and endeavouring to compoſe themſelves as much as poſſible, when the demon of diſcord, determined that our paſſage ſhould be attended with little elſe than broils and battles, thought proper, once more, to throw his flaming brands into the boſom of our ſociety; for, juſt as the different organs of the company were put in tune by the ſomni⯑fic [114] hand of Morpheus, and playing a great variety of cadences in treble, te⯑nor, and baſs, a noiſe iſſued from the interior cabin, particularly appropriated to the uſe of the ladies, that diſcompo⯑ſed the naſonic band, and inſtantly broke aſunder all the delicate ties of harmony. Though we could not ex⯑actly diſtinguiſh the immediate cauſe of the diſpute, the words ſhocking, indecent, and abominable, were eaſily to be diſ⯑tinguiſhed, as they ſeemed to be deli⯑vered with great heat and anger.

Upon the captain's making his ap⯑pearance, and inquiring into the nature of the diſturbance, we found the cauſe to be exactly thus.—The pawnbroker's widow, who aſſumed an uncommon ſhare of delicacy, in the whole tenor of her behaviour, ſince ſhe came on ſhip-board, [115] was ſituated, it ſeems, in the inner apartment, juſt oppoſite to my maſter, who, paſſing for a woman, in conſequence of his apparel, was ſtation⯑ed among them; a place which he more eagerly embraced, thinking, that, in ſuch a diſguiſe, and in ſo retired a ſitu⯑ation, he ſhould run no poſſible riſk of being diſcovered. However, fate ſo contrived it that it happened otherwiſe; for the calls of nature, in ſome parti⯑culars irreſiſtible, forced my poor maſter to get out of his birth, to perform cer⯑tain rites, which it is wholly impoſſible can be done by proxy: and it was in one of theſe critical ſituations that the delicate lady above-mentioned happened to eſpy my maſter; and ſhe was no ſoon⯑er convinced of the certainty of his be⯑ing a man, by perhaps a too curious [116] obſervation on her part, than ſhe imme⯑diately began to reprobate his aſſurance, as ſhe called it, in terms of the bittereſt malignancy; in which ſhe was preſent⯑ly joined by the reſt of the females, who declared, one and all, that they would never ſet foot on-board the packet a⯑gain.

At this moment the captain entered, and endeavoured to pacify them as well as he was able; and prevailed upon the lieutenant, after ſome entreaties, to give up his birth, which in ſome meaſure re⯑ſtored tranquillity among us.

Upon the entrance of my maſter into our cabin in diſguiſe, it gave riſe to a thouſand jokes, which were circulated, with great freedom, at the expence of the lady who had cauſed all this com⯑motion.

[117]The good humour, that ſeemed to prevail among three or four of the moſt convivial of the paſſengers, induced them to a propoſal of immediately get⯑ting up, and, by clubbing their ſea-ſtores, to make a party at eating and drinking, in order to amuſe the time until a proſperous gale ſhould drive them to the Britiſh ſhore.—The lieute⯑nant ſang, the comedian repeated a va⯑riety of ſpeeches from our moſt cele⯑brated plays, to the manifeſt diverſion of the company; the phyſician favoured us with a diſcourſe on the materia me⯑dica; and the attorney informed us of a great cauſe he had obtained in Ireland for the widow of a marine officer, whoſe huſband was ſhot in the act of fighting for his country, on-board a king's ſhip, in the Mediterranean; at the ſame time [118] aſſuring us, that the only motive he had for proſecuting the matter was a deſire to have juſtice done to the diſtreſſed; which laſt inſinuation rouſed the atten⯑tion of the cuſtom-houſe officer, who ſwore, if that really was the caſe, the attorney muſt have altered his practice moſt curſedly, for that, to his certain knowledge, there was not a practitioner in the kingdom who had a keener eye to the profits of his profeſſion.

This ſarcaſtic remark of the exciſe-man ſeemed to call forth all the natural choler of the attorney, who retorted the charge with intereſt, and told him, he ſuppoſed, becauſe he had been conti⯑nually robbing the king, his maſter, of his dues, and plundering his ſubjects, he imagined every other profeſſion was equally infamous and diſhonourable.— [119] There was a ſpirit of rancour and truth in this laſt obſervation, which worked upon the feelings of the exciſe-man ſo far as to induce him to lift up a ſtool, that ſtood near him, to chaſtiſe the ag⯑greſſor, which, had the meditated blow taken place, would, in all human pro⯑bability, have deprived the law of one of its noble members; but he, quickly perceiving the hoſtile intentions of the aſſailant, crept under the table, to avoid the impending ſtorm, with the agility of a monkey, and remained there till the fury of the exciſe-man was appeaſed by the attorney's apology, which he made, without heſitation, in terms of the moſt abject humiliation.

Juſt at this inſtant the cabin-boy came down among us, and exclaimed, with great exultation, "land! land!" upon [120] which the fiſh-woman, thruſting her head out of her birth, roared out, ‘Oh! for God's ſake, don't talk to me of land, but bring me the pot!’ upon which the boy, whoſe duty it was to adminiſter that neceſſary utenſil, whenever the pa⯑tients could not do it for themſelves, made haſte to accommodate the fiſh-ſelling nymph, who, not thinking he had hurried himſelf ſo faſt in her ſervice as he ought, was attempting to ſcold him in her own language, and had ac⯑tually got out the firſt ſyllable of the laconic word ſcoundrel, when her ſick⯑neſs overpowered her eloquence, and ſhe fairly deluged the young maſter of the ceremonies with the foul contents of her overloaded ſtomach.

When the poor boy, who had fallen down under the weight of the ſalute, [121] got up to ſhake himſelf, he looked like one of the naiads of Fleet-ditch, and, in all probability, would have been ſti⯑fled with the unſavoury ſcent, had not one of the ſailors, with infinite dexterity, ſeized up a pail of water, which ſtood in the cabin, and waſhed off the filthy or⯑naments from the young gentleman's head, who was reſtored once more to a ſtate of purification.

By this time the Methodiſt, whoſe ſituation had become extremely irkſome to him, got up and joined the company, who had met round the table, in hopes, by liſtening to the ſpirit of their lively converſation, to forget his own diſgrace. His intention was no ſooner manifeſted, than theſe ſons of pleaſantry made way for his accommodation, and inſiſted, in ſpite of his intreaties to the contrary, [122] that he ſhould ſit at the head of the ta⯑ble, and give the company a ſermon for the good of their ſouls. This invi⯑tation, which the preacher received in a literal ſenſe, was highly grateful to his diſpoſition, and pleaſing to him in a ſpiritual light; for he had long broiled in ſecret at the impiety of their diſ⯑courſe, and would moſt willingly have corrected their manners; but the recol⯑lection of the recent misfortunes he had experienced, from his former endeavours to bring the captain of the packet into the road of ſalvation, was ſtill uppermoſt in his imagination, and he thought it the more prudent ſtep to conceal his diſapprobation than venture the loſs of his life a ſecond time.

They had ſcarcely fixed the wandering ſaint in his new ſituation, when his [123] health, and ſucceſs to his miſſion, was propoſed by all the company, except himſelf, to be drunk in a full bumper; to partake of which token of good fel⯑lowſhip he at laſt conſented, with evi⯑dent marks of repugnance.

During the time that was ſpent in perſuading the preacher to take off his glaſs, the attorney, who ſat at his right hand, contrived to ſubſtitute a large glaſs of brandy, inſtead of that which had been appropriated to his ſhare, which the poor itinerant ſwallowed com⯑pletely before he found out his miſtake; but he had no ſooner lodged it in the receſſes of his ſtomach than he made many wry faces, and complained bitter⯑ly of the impoſition. But the noiſe of his remonſtrances was ſoon drowned by his aſſociates, who, having by this time [124] ſacrificed to Bacchus with the zeal of true votaries, had become half-ſeas-over; and, ſo far were they from being diſpoſed to liſten to his complaints, that they ab⯑ſolutely compelled him to drink glaſs for glaſs, with this difference, that, while they were quaffing weak punch, the Me⯑thodiſt's glaſs was continually ſtrength⯑ened by a large infuſion of ſtrong ſpirits, which the conſcientious attorney kept by him for that excellent purpoſe, till the blinking of the preacher's eyes ſuffi⯑ciently informed the joyous circle that they had overſet his underſtanding, or, in other words, had fairly done his bu⯑ſineſs; nay, ſo much had the liquor thrown the good man off his guard, that he actually propoſed to ſing a ſong, which being greedily acceded to by the company, he gave them a ditty, which [125] he learned in the days of ſin, ere the potent workings of the Spirit had effect⯑ed his regeneration, and the efforts of grace had intirely ſubdued the old man within him.

When he had finiſhed his ſong, he received the applauſe and thanks of the ſurrounding group, who now determined to crown him like a Bacchanal, and, ſtripping off his wig, they contrived to make a ſort of wreath for his head; but the poor preacher, not uſed to receive ſuch high tokens of honour, ſunk under the weight of them in his chair, and, falling faſt aſleep, lay with his mouth wide open, ſnoring moſt tremendouſly. He had not enjoyed his ſlumber above a quarter of an hour, when the company were informed the veſſel was in ſight of Liverpool; and, upon a ſailor's roar⯑ing [126] out that he ſaw the new lights, the ſound inſtantly vibrated in the ears of the drunken Methodiſt, who ſtarted from his ſleep with the phrenſy of a madman, and, reeling about the cabin, aſked, with great vociferation, who had any thing to ſay againſt the new lights; if they had, he declared himſelf ready to defend them againſt all the arguments that could be brought to their prejudice by any child of Satan whatever, from Martin Luther down to Father O'Leary.

CHAPTER XXII.

WHEN we arrived in the harbour of Liverpool, my maſter made what haſte he could on-ſhore, giving me orders to follow him to the inn with his baggage. It was late in the evening when we diſembarked, and I was pre⯑paring to make the moſt haſte I could to obey the lieutenant's inſtructions, and thank my ſtars that had once more [128] brought me on terra firma, when a rude fellow ſaluted me with great incivility, and demanded to know where I was go⯑ing with my trunk. I inſtantly told him, if he had a mind to know he muſt follow me; upon which he informed me that ſuch behaviour might do in Dub⯑lin, but that he would teach me better manners; and, immediately ſeizing my maſter's trunk, forced it from me; at the ſame time honouring me with the familiar appellation of bog-trotting idle ſcoundrel. This laſt piece of rude⯑neſs rouſed me to a ſtate of deſperation, and I was preparing to chaſtiſe his in⯑ſolence, when a countryman of mine, who had overheard the whole buſineſs, informed me that it was my beſt way to make it up in the beſt manner I could, for that my opponent was an officer of [129] the port, in the execution of his duty. I anſwered, if he was performing his duty, he ſhould at leaſt do it without inſulting his betters. "Betters!" cried the enraged officer, ‘and whoſe bet⯑ters do you call yourſelf, you Iriſh ſon of a whore;’ at the ſame time aſſuring the company that I was a no⯑torious ſmuggler, who wanted to run ſome prohibited goods, and offered a bet of a guinea, to any of the ſtanders-by, that my trunk was full of contra⯑band commodities. It was in vain that I aſſured him to the contrary; and, as I began to find that I had acted wrong in the firſt inſtance, I wanted to repair it by every ſubmiſſion in my power. But I miſtook the road to the officer's fa⯑vour, for the more I humbled myſelf, the more inſolent and inſufferable was [130] his behaviour; and I certainly ſhould have ſtood for an hour longer, arguing with him upon the honeſty of my in⯑tentions, had not my countrymen whiſ⯑pered me in the ear to give him a ſhil⯑ling. I inſtantly took the hint; and the moment he felt the ſplendid coin touch his palm, his muſcles relaxed into a good-humoured ſmile, and he told me, with a loud laugh, that I and my box now might go to hell together;— that he had at firſt taken me for a ſmug⯑gler, but upon a cloſer acquaintance with me, why he had found his miſtake; and, taking me by the hand, told me, he believed I was a damned honeſt fellow, and, that if he knew the houſe I was going to, he would come and drink a pot of beer to our better acquaintance. I accepted his offer, told him the ſign [131] of the inn, and, taking my trunk upon my ſhoulder, ſet forward to meet my maſter, who, I found, had been wait⯑ing for me with great impatience, ha⯑ving taken a place in the ſtage for himſelf, which was to ſet out for Lon⯑don in a few hours, and intended that I ſhould ride on the outſide.

The firſt thing that occupied the lieu⯑tenant's attention was to ſhake off his temporary metamorphoſis, and once more to appear in his real character, which he effected with great expedi⯑tion; and I had the trunk adjuſted and packed juſt time enough for the coach, which had drove round to the front door to receive its new tenants.

When we came to the machine, we found a violent conteſt for precedency had taken place between an elderly gen⯑tlewoman, [132] about fifty, who meaſured at leaſt three yards round the waiſt, and a diminutive woman, who, from the ſe⯑verity of her aſpect, bore ſtrong cre⯑dentials of being a neglected virgin: however, after a number of toſſings of the head, flirts with the fan, and a pro⯑digious interchange of ma'ams and miſſes, it was determined, by the maſter of the coach, that the overgrown gen⯑tlewoman ſhould have the preference, upon the ſtrength of her name being en⯑tered firſt on the books.

After them followed my maſter and the captain of a Weſt-Indiaman, who had juſt arrived at Liverpool with his cargo, and was going up to London to the ſhip's owners.

While the inſide paſſengers were re⯑gulating themſelves, I mounted the roof [133] of the coach, where I was ſoon joined by a jocoſe ſailor, an Iriſh weaver, a young woman, who was going to town to her friends, and an old man, who was muffled up cloſe in a frieze great coat.

In this manner we ſet forward; and, as I felt my ſituation very precarious, I took eſpecial care to graſp faſt hold of an iron which is nailed to the top of the machine, for the advantage of thoſe per⯑ſons, who prefer the benefit of the proſ⯑pect to the eaſe of riding within.

We had not proceeded above nine miles, when an accident happened that diſcompoſed the oeconomy of the whole ſtage ſyſtem; for our coachman, who wanted to ſhew his dexterity, in turning the narrow corner of a village, miſſed his aim moſt confoundedly; and, whe⯑ther [134] it was owing to his want of addreſs in the buſineſs, or the ungovernable ſpirit of the horſes, I will not take upon me to determine; but certain it is, that he completely overſet the machine, in the very worſt part of the road that it could poſſibly have happened.

The violence of the ſhock luckily pitched me farther than my meſſmates, for I alighted upon a dunghil, without receiving any conſiderable injury, except a ſlight bruiſe. But fortune was not quite ſo complaiſant to my companions, who were plunged deep into a ſtinking ſlough, that a neighbouring farmer had kept, time immemorial, for the purpoſe of mixing the manure for his land. The ſailor and the weaver made ſhift to diſ⯑engage themſelves from the unſavoury lake; but it was far otherwiſe with the [135] poor young woman, who had been thrown into the thickeſt part of the compoſition, where ſhe lay in a miſera⯑ble condition, like an amphibious mon⯑ſter, one half of her body being buried in the mud, from her head to her hips, and the reſt kicking in the vacant air, tacitly aſking the aſſiſtance of all well-diſpoſed Chriſtians to reſcue her from a ſituation, in which if ſhe remained but a few minutes longer, all human aid would, alas! have been ineffectual.

As for the old man, who had ſhared the ſame unhappy deſtiny, he made ſhift to crawl out more like a rat three parts drowned than a human creature, not having the ſmalleſt veſtige left to aſcer⯑tain the nature of the animal tribe he belonged to, except that he walked [136] erect, and made uſe of two legs inſtead of four.

Nor was the conſternation within the coach a whit leſs productive of diſaſters; for the company there had been thrown by the accident all in a heap, where they lay, intermingled in a rancorous ſtate of enmity and diſcordance, hiſſing and an⯑noying each other, like ſo many vipers at the bottom of a glaſs in a chymiſt's ſhop window.

The noiſe of this ſudden cataſtrophe having reached the people of the village, they poured forth in numbers to the aſ⯑ſiſtance of the unfortunate travellers: and the firſt ſtep they took was to open the coach-window that lay uppermoſt, from which aperture they endeavoured to drag out the fat gentlewoman before-mentioned by the legs; but the poor [137] fellow, who was moſt forward in the ſervice, had good reaſon to repent his zeal in her favour; for ſhe, not know⯑ing the intention of the viſit, no ſooner felt a man attempt to get hold of thoſe delicate members, than ſhe gave him a moſt villainous kick in the eye, which ſtunned the poor devil ſo much that he fell ſenſeleſs to his mother-earth: but, the party being inſtantly reinforced, they renewed the attack, and brought out the fuſty amazon by main force, but not be⯑fore ſhe had ſecured the cap and head-dreſs of the lady who remained within, with whom, it ſeems, ſhe had been main⯑taining a bloody quarrel, but had totally overcome her by dint of perſonal prow⯑eſs, and brought out theſe emblems of triumph in her hand, which ſhe bran⯑diſhed [138] about, to the infinite diverſion of the ſpectators.

After an hour's induſtry, on the part of the coachman, the affairs were tole⯑rably adjuſted, and the company were once more preparing to enter the vehi⯑cle, except Miſs Tippet, for that I un⯑derſtood to be the lady's name, who had been ſo mauled and defeated within-ſide the machine:—ſhe had determined to re⯑turn to Liverpool, where ſhe kept a mil⯑lener's ſhop, and to bring an action of aſſault and battery againſt her opponent, whom we now found to be a tallow-chandler's widow, who was her next door neighbour.

After this denunciation of vengeance from the enraged maker of caps, we ſet forward once more, and, by the time we arrived at Coventry, from the ſcene [139] of our diſgrace, (in the interval of which nothing material happened,) my maſter was either ſo ſickened with his compa⯑nions, or fatigued with that mode of conveyance, that he ſignified his intention to the coachman of proceeding no far⯑ther; and, after bidding adieu to his fellow-ſufferers, and giving the coach-man a ſhilling, to reward him for not quite breaking our necks, we took up our quarters at the principal inn in the city; at the entrance of which my maſter perceived an old ſeaman ſitting at the door, taking out ſome tobacco from a leathern pouch. As the features of the man were familiar to the lieutenant, he aſked him where he came from laſt; to which the ſailor replied, from Plymouth, and that he was almoſt foundered on the journey. As the voice of diſtreſs [138] [...] [139] [...] [140] never touched his ear unnoticed, this was the beſt poſſible expedient the old tar could have made uſe of to have his wants ſupplied; for he inſtantly ordered the weary tarpawling to follow him into the parlour, where he made him ſit down, and partake of thoſe refreſhments which he had ordered for his own par⯑ticular accommodation.

CHAPTER XXIII.

WHEN the ſpirits and ſtrength of the ſeaman were recruited by the good cheer he had enjoyed from the lieutenant's bounty, he gave the follow⯑ing account of himſelf, at his particular inſtigation.

‘As I now thought of nothing elſe than paſſing a ſailor's life, why, I have roamed about the world in all quar⯑ters, ſometimes on-board a merchant⯑man, [152] and ſometimes fighting for my country; and what man, maſter, would not like to fight for his country, if ſo be as how he could get any thanks for it when he's done?—Here am I juſt relieved from a French priſon, where I was kept on a damned ſhort allowance for nine long months, till I was exchanged and brought to Ply⯑mouth, from which place I have now been travelling, in hopes of getting my wages in London.—To be ſure I have encountered ſome curſed hard rubs in the way; but what of that? every thing muſt have an end, you know, maſter; it will be all the ſame a hundred years hence; 'tis a long lane that has no turning.—Why, Lord help your honour, I knew you were a ſeaman when I firſt clapt my two [153] looking eyes upon you.—There's a certain generoſity in the face of an honeſt tar which isn't to be found in the reſt of mankind;—damme, they are all ſo envious of each other, that their paſſions deſtroy their feelings, and they've no more notion of aſſiſting a fellow-creature than an attorney, egad, has of going to heaven.’—Here the ſeaman having finiſhed the account of his life, my maſter gave him a guinea, to drink the king's health, which the other accepted with warm tokens of gratitude, and took his leave.

The lieutenant expreſſing a ſtrong cu⯑rioſity to ſee the town, the maſter of the inn offered to accompany him, which propoſal he readily embraced; and out they ſallied for that purpoſe, having firſt given me permiſſion to make what uſe [154] of my time I thought proper till his return.

As I was ſauntering along the ſtreet, I ſaw a croud gathered about a man with a drum, who was holding forth to the multitude which ſurrounded him, with their mouths wide open. As cu⯑rioſity was ever one of my ſtrongeſt paſ⯑ſions, I made what haſte I could to learn the propenſity of his eloquence. When I came to the ſpot, he immediately ſent a child to me with a play-bill, which announced the performance of the even⯑ing to be Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. As I had always a natural love for po⯑etry of every denomination, I determi⯑ned not to let ſlip ſo favourable an op⯑portunity of indulging that inclination, eſpecially as I had previouſly obtained [155] my maſter's leave to make uſe of my time in any way moſt agreeable to my⯑ſelf.

CHAPTER XXIV.

ACCORDINGLY I ſuffered myſelf to be carried away by the invita⯑tion of the dramatic herald, and, in⯑quiring for the gallery, entered the the⯑atre, along with many others, brimful of eager expectation, to ſee the perform⯑ance. The theatre was conſtructed with great ingenuity out of an old ſtable, and the only diſtinction made between the different places of boxes, pit, and gal⯑leries, [157] was by means of a board nailed acroſs.

As the audience, which was compoſed of a motley aſſemblage of different cha⯑racters and ages, became riotous, an old man, with one eye, came into the or⯑cheſtra, which was made out of a large box, with the lid taken off. After he had bowed reſpectfully to the company, he pulled from under his coat the inſtru⯑ment of harmony, and played, with ex⯑cellent diſcretion, the well-known and celebrated tune of Buttered Peas; but, the audience growing particularly cla⯑morous for Roaſt Beef, this half-ſighted muſician complied with their requeſt.—From his appearance and execution he called ſtrongly to my mind the old gen⯑tleman, whom I have formerly men⯑tioned as the Orpheus that moved the [158] bear to dance a fandango, when I had the honour of being firſt introduced be⯑hind the ſcenes of a travelling company in Ireland.

But the bell ringing from within in⯑dicated to the company that the play was going to begin; and, agreeably to the ſummons, the curtain was drawn, and diſcovered Franciſco and Bernardo in cloſe converſation. It was ſoon no⯑ticed, by the noiſy part of the audience, that Bernardo's noſe was of an uncom⯑mon ſize; and indeed it reſembled more a protuberance of mulberries, which hung in rich cluſters, than a human fea⯑ture. I ſoon found that this gentleman was the moſt conſpicuous perſonage of the drama; for he received more diſ⯑tinction, on account of that amazing [159] ornament, than all the reſt of the actors put together.

When the ghoſt made his appearance, it had a viſible effect on the majority of my neighbours in the gallery, ſome of whom were almoſt petrified with awe at the dreadful ſolemnity of the object; but, as our admiration is built upon compariſon of one thing with another, ſo did the ghaſtly appearance of the royal Dane operate to make the ſucceed⯑ing ſcene more captivating;—the reader will eaſily conceive that I can mean no other than the brilliant court of Den⯑mark, which burſt upon our ſight with as much grandeur as the wardrobe could furniſh, aſſiſted by all the credit that the company could procure in the town for tinſel, tie-wigs, clean linen, and pot⯑lids.

[160]As ſoon as young Hamlet came for⯑ward, all eyes were centered upon him, for he had long been conſidered as the Roſcius of Warwickſhire. I obſerved he made three ſolemn ſtrides, then en⯑folded his arms and ſtood ſtill; for which uncommon excellence he recei⯑ved the loud applauſe of the audience.—I was going to inquire of a perſon, who ſat next me, into the reaſon of their ap⯑plauding him ſo much above the reſt, when my notice was riveted upon a co⯑mical fellow, who ſat near me, roaring out, "Here comes Noſey!" which ap⯑pellation I ſoon found to belong to my friend Polonius, who was the identical being that had five minutes before per⯑ſonated Bernardo with ſo much honour.

The unexpected ſalute of my friend in the gallery ſo diſcompoſed the muſcles [161] of the whole court of Copenhagen, that, in ſpite of their beſt efforts to appear grave, a ſimper became univerſal, and it was ſome time before her Daniſh ma⯑jeſty could recover herſelf ſufficiently to reprove the young prince for his un⯑ſeemly melancholy: however, every thing went on very ſmoothly until Hamlet be⯑gan his firſt ſoliloquy; but he had ſcarce uttered his wiſh, that ‘"His too, too, ſolid fleſh would melt!"’ than a countryman, who ſat in the pit, bawled out, ‘Noa, noa, friend, you needn't wiſh any more of thy fleſh to melt; why, mon, you're as thin as a whipping-poſt already:’ and, indeed, though the obſervation was rather mal-à-propos in point of time, it was ſtrictly juſtifiable on the ſcore of truth; for the poor fellow, who played the character, [162] had not fleſh enough, upon his whole carcaſs, to give a cat a breakfaſt. How⯑ever, this interruption was warmly re⯑ſented by the friends of the performer, and a battle would have taken place in the pit, had it not been for the interpo⯑ſition of the manager, who had conde⯑ſcended to perform the King himſelf: he came round from the ſtage among the combatants; and, whether it was by the perſuaſion of his tongue, or the in⯑fluence of his dignity, I will not deter⯑mine; but he certainly reſtored peace to the theatre, and the players were or⯑dered to proceed.

Every thing now went on in the proper routine of buſineſs, except in the ſcene between Laertes and Ophelia, when it was very palpable that the young lady had been imprudent enough to drink [163] too much that afternoon; indeed ſhe had hurt her memory ſo much by the ſacri⯑fices ſhe had been making to Bacchus, that ſhe ſcarcely remembered a ſingle word of her part, and, in one particular paſſage, when the prompter neglected to aſſiſt the fallibility of her memory, ſhe forgot her dignity ſo far as to damn him for a lazy ſon of a b—h; however, the indecorum was committed by a lady, and, conſequently, permitted to paſs without cenſure.

But ſhortly ſhe was relieved from that temporary embarraſſment by the entrance of old Polonius, the purple majeſty of whoſe noſe was a never-failing ſource of mirth whenever he came forward. Three times did he attempt to give the cele⯑brated inſtructions to his ſon Laertes, and was as often obliged to deſiſt, from [164] the roars of laughter that iſſued when⯑ever he opened his mouth. At laſt they were fairly obliged to conclude the ſcene without it, and poor Laertes was diſ⯑miſſed to France without the benefit of thoſe ſolid apophthegms of wiſdom and experience.

At the commencement of the ſecond act, attention ſeemed to have reſumed her throne, and every thing jogged on tolerably quiet till the cloſet-ſcene be⯑tween Hamlet and his mother, when the Ghoſt made his entré with prodigious majeſty. I ſhould have before obſerved, that the wardrobe of this company being rather ſcanty, it was abſolutely neceſſary to make a coat of mail for the ſpirit in queſtion, there being no ſuit in their cabinet of wearables. To effect this in a hurry, they were obliged to ſew a few [165] pieces of paſteboard together, which, when covered with old play-bills, made a very tolerable ſuccedaneum for the want of ſomething more reſembling the ſup⯑poſed habit of the departed Dane; and, indeed, conſidering everything, the poor Ghoſt acquitted himſelf tolerably well until the moment he was preparing to take his leave, when, unluckily, in fa⯑cing about to the queen, to enforce the di⯑rections to the young prince to perſevere in his conduct toward his mother, he was under the neceſſity of ſtanding with his breech to the audience. Now the point of good manners which might have been invaded by this manoeuvre would have been overlooked with great good-hu⯑mour, but the infringement on decency, that it occaſioned, could not; for it muſt be obſerved, that the ghaſtly ſhade wore a [166] black pair of breeches, under his coat of mail, which were rendered ſomething the worſe by the depredations of time; indeed ſo much ſo, that, between the legs, there was a rent of moſt capacious magnitude, out of which a remnant of the ſpirit's ſhirt hung in a moſt ungraceful man⯑ner.

This breach in the galligaſkins of the Ghoſt was no ſooner perceived by the motley audience than an univerſal uproar enſued, accompanied by inceſſant roars of laughter.—The poor fellow felt him⯑ſelf embarraſſed; and, finding that his perſon was the center of the joke, turn⯑ed himſelf to the right and to the left, but without the deſired effect. At laſt, muſtering up an unuſual degree of cou⯑rage, he ſtepped forward, and attempt⯑ed to addreſs the audience, but was moſt [167] violently repelled with groans and hiſſes. At length, finding all his endeavours ineffectual to learn the ſtate of their wiſhes, he was preparing to walk off; but had not got above a yard from the ſide-ſcene, when an unlucky ſpark, who occupied one of the ſide-boxes, ſet a large pointer, which he had with him, at the miſerable remains of departed majeſty, whom he caught hold of, juſt as he was ſlipping off the ſtage, by the ſhirt, which hung out be⯑hind, and which he ſhook, to the un⯑ſpeakable diverſion of the company, fairly dragging the unfortunate ſpirit to the center of the ſtage before he quitted his hold. Irritated to a degree of mad⯑neſs at this inſult to his dignity, which was more than fleſh and blood could en⯑dure, and eager for revenge, he tore off his paper armour in a twinkling, [168] (which, indeed, was tantamount to his ſtripping in buff, for, the little ſhirt that he had left, and which compoſed the whole ſtock of linen that belonged to this calamitous ſon of Theſpis, had been completely torn away by the fangs of the animal that had annoyed him,) and, coming to the point of the ſtage, offered to box the beſt man in the company for a gallon of beer: but the Ghoſt's chal⯑lenge not being readily accepted, he miſ⯑interpreted their forbearance into a ſpirit of cowardice in the audience, and began to abuſe them in terms which ſufficiently proved, that his godfathers and godmo⯑thers had completely taught him the vul⯑gar tongue, in the moſt extenſive ſenſe of the phraſe.

Before he had proceeded far in his paſſionate addreſs to the ſpectators, he was ſtopped by a domeſtic enemy, who, [169] by her great zeal in endeavouring to re⯑gulate his behaviour, put a period to the dramatic entertainments of the even⯑ing. This heroine was no other than the unfortunate Ghoſt's wife, who per⯑ſonated her majeſty of Denmark for that night; and, hearing of the miſbehaviour of her ſpouſe, hurried to the ſcene of action, with a full determination to pu⯑niſh her yoke-fellow for this breach of decency, which, ſhe wiſely apprehended, would be the ruin of her benefit, which was to have taken place the next even⯑ing. The furious lady, totally regard⯑leſs of the dignity of the character ſhe had aſſumed in the play, ruſhes on her ill-fated huſband, and, by a well-di⯑rected blow, which, unhappily alighting on his eye, levelled the vaunting ſpirit with the ſtage. But, though it was evi⯑dent [170] that the ſalutation had diſconcert⯑ed, it by no means ſubdued, him; for, ſpringing immediately from the boards with great facility, he returned the com⯑pliment with ſuch addreſs as made the blood-royal of Denmark flow moſt co⯑piouſly through the apertures of her ma⯑jeſty's noſe. Now the audience, begin⯑ning to interfere warmly in the diſpute, leaped upon the ſtage, and, dividing into different factions, each ſupported the object they thought moſt aggrieved; but, the majority turning eventually in favour of the lady, ſhe gave her miſera⯑ble huſband ſuch a drubbing as almoſt deprived him of exiſtence, for he lay extended upon the ſcene of action ſight⯑leſs and forlorn, like one who was ſhort⯑ly to pay a long viſit to the Stygian ſhore.

[171]But it was ordered, by the inflexible deſtinies, that the perils of that evening ſhould not end here; for, while the A⯑mazonian queen was panting with her victories, and receiving the applauſe of her ſurrounding admirers, the manager of the company entered with two con⯑ſtables, and charged her majeſty with a breach of the peace, and inſtantly or⯑dered her to the county-jail, to remain there until time, chance, or circum⯑ſtance, ſhould enable her to ſatisfy him for the robes of royalty ſhe had utterly deſtroyed in the engagement, and other properties, which he eſtimated at a very conſiderable amount.

It was at this inſtant that the miſ⯑guided heroine began to perceive that ſhe had been acting a very unprofitable part:—it was in vain for her to hope for [172] relief; for, thoſe very perſons, who had been moſt inſtrumental in extolling her proweſs as a bruiſer, were now moſt forward in ridiculing her diſtreſſes.

As the huſband, in the awful eye of the law, is conſidered as forming a material part of his wife, the wretched Ghoſt was lifted from the ground to accompany his lady to priſon, as being reſponſible for her errors; to which place they were convey⯑ed amid the ſhouts of an unfeeling mul⯑titude, who inevitably deſert the objects that have delighted them, when their pow⯑er to amuſe exiſts no more.—The poor Queen, as ſhe was hurried away, turned about, and ſurveyed the ſcene of ſlaughter with ſuch a piteous look as brought the following lines to my recollection:

CHAPTER XXV.

WHEN this theatric feud had ſub⯑ſided, I returned home, and found my maſter had retired to bed, and left orders for me to be up early in the morning, as he intended to ſet out for London by break of day. I obeyed his directions, and about five o'clock the next day he hired a poſt-chaiſe, into which he took me as a companion, and we ſet forward for the metropolis, where we arrived the ſame night, after a jour⯑ney [174] of twelve hours, in the proſecution of which nothing unaccountable hap⯑pened.

We took up our firſt night's lodging at the inn, where we were conducted by the boy who drove us, and I was awa⯑kened the next morning by a confuſion of voices in the ſtreet, that, in my opi⯑nion, put all compariſon at defiance. I lay, for ſome time, endeavouring to make out the ſenſe of their cries; but that I found totally impoſſible, as every ſyllable they delivered was to me as un⯑intelligible as if they had been ſpoken in Hebrew.

But, if my wonder was moved by the ſtrange voices I heard, how much more was it excited, when I got up, by the aſtoniſhing objects that I ſaw!—At firſt ſight the whole world ſeemed to me to [175] be concentered in that amazing city; for, in no other manner could I account for the prodigious hurry of buſineſs that was evidently carrying on in all corners of the town, and the ſwarms of people that crouded upon each other in ſuc⯑ceſſion.—The more I contemplated that vaſt theatre of regular confuſion, the more was I inclined to liken it to an ex⯑tenſive bee-hive, into which the induſ⯑trious members brought their honey for the advantage of the commonwealth.

The ſecond morning that I had paſſed at the inn, my maſter called me into the parlour, and gave me to underſtand that his private affairs would oblige him to go to Chatham the next day, and, as he was not quite certain of the time that he might return, he adviſed me to look about for another ſervice; at the ſame [176] time paying me my wages up to that month, and making me a preſent of a handſome compliment, over and above the amount, as a ſmall reward, as he expreſſed it, for my good behaviour in his ſervice; and, to prove that, even in the ſmalleſt particulars, he was not un⯑mindful of my welfare, he accompanied his favours with a letter of recommenda⯑tion to a relation of his, who lived in one of the new ſtreets in Weſtminſter, that, in caſe he was delayed in the coun⯑try, by accident or otherwiſe, I might not want a friend to give me a good character.

At this laſt inſtance of his atten⯑tion I could not avoid burſting into tears, and I even offered to ſerve him for nothing, rather than be ſeparated from a maſter, to whoſe intereſt I was [177] ſo firmly attached by the ſtrongeſt ties of duty and affection; but, as my ap⯑plication on this head was fruitleſs, I was obliged to wander forth in ſearch of a new employment, with a narrow purſe and a melancholy heart.

After walking up and down the ſtreets of the metropolis for ſome hours, I found myſelf in the neighbourhood of a place, which, on inquiry, I learned to be the Seven Dials. As my curioſity had been highly gratified by the numerous novel⯑ties that had preſented themſelves to my obſervation in the perambulations of the morning, I began to think of indulging another fooliſh propenſity, which was, briefly, that of eating; for I found that a rebellion was forming in my inteſtines, and which, if not ſpeedily overcome, would endanger the ſtate, or, in o⯑ther [178] words, I ſhould be confoundedly ſick.

As I ſtood gaping about, to find out a proper place to ſatisfy that irreſiſtible demon, called hunger, I was accoſted very civilly by a perſon, who, from his appearance altogether, ſtruck me as an oddity.—His dreſs conſiſted of a frock that ſtill bore the remnants of finery, but appeared to have been originally made for the accommodation of another perſon; a dirty ſilk waiſtcoat, with ſome tarniſhed lace; a pair of buckſkin breech⯑es, and boots; his hair, which was rather ſcanty, and as grey as my grandmother's, was twiſted and turned up behind, under a round hat, the brims of which ſeem⯑ed to have been narrowed by the niggard hand of oeconomy, for the laudable pur⯑poſe of making it retain its black edge as long as poſſible. As he ſtood with [179] his back towards me at firſt ſight, I gueſſed him to be a ſmart young buck, about twenty years of age; but, when he faced about, to enter into converſa⯑tion, I perceived him to be verging on the borders of fifty, and that all his ſmiles and complaiſance (of which he poſſeſſed a great ſtore) had not been able to defend him againſt the inroads of time, for the different muſcles of his viſage were harrowed deep with the fell lines of care, which interſected each o⯑ther at right angles.

The polite addreſs of this civil origi⯑nal at once ſurpriſed and pleaſed me; for, upon my informing him that I was a ſtranger, and wanted to know a pro⯑per place to eat in, he eagerly caught hold of my hand, and exclaimed with a laugh, ‘Curſe me, but that's lucky for us both! for I have been medi⯑tating [180] upon the ſame thing this half hour;’ at the ſame time adviſing me to follow him. But we had not pro⯑ceeded many paces, when he ſuddenly turned about, and inquired, with great earneſtneſs, "if the captain was ſtrong." As I did not underſtand the nature of his queſtion, I ſtared at him with a little ſurprize; when he told me, with a ſmile, that he only wiſhed to know how I ſtood for caſh. I immediately pulled out the ſum total of my wages; upon eyeing which he exclaimed, with the moſt lively tranſports, ‘Oh! damme, you are ſtrong,—you can afford to dine like an alderman, I ſee;—come with me, and I'll introduce you to a houſe, in the next ſtreet, where you ſhall eat like a prince, and aſſociate with none but gentlemen.’

[181]I would have anſwered this rapid ad⯑dreſs, being fearful that he meant to bring me into too much expence; but he did not give me that opportunity; for, darting along with the celerity of an arrow from a bow, he beckoned me to follow him, and, in a few minutes, we arrived at a houſe where beef, mutton, and veal, de⯑corated the outſide of the windows, and from the door of which iſſued ſuch ſa⯑voury ſteams as made me anticipate in thought the delicious joints that waited our diſpoſal within.

Upon our entering this recep⯑tacle of the hungry, we were imme⯑diately uſhered into a back room, in the center of which was a large round wooden table, and on its confines ſat a number of perſons, of all ages, coun⯑tries, and complexions. We had ſcarce⯑ly [182] ſaluted the company, when a dozen tongues bellowed forth at once, ‘How are you, Count?’ and I ſhould have been at a loſs to know the perſon to whom ſo dignified a title was addreſſed, in ſuch a place, if I had not ſeen my companion acknowledge himſelf as the perſon alluded to by various ſignificant bows and grins, which he exerciſed to⯑wards his inquiring friends in a manner perfectly peculiar to himſelf, and unlike the reſt of mankind.

As by this time our quota of beef was placed before us, with all the appen⯑dages of ſalt, muſtard, &c. my friend adviſed me to fall to, and follow his example; but I, not doubting in the leaſt that I had got into the ſociety of ſome nobleman in diſguiſe, was in a manner petrified with fear, and ſat auk⯑wardly, firſt ſurveying my plate and then [183] my companion, my apprehenſions ha⯑ving quite taken away my appetite, for fear I ſhould be guilty of ſome impro⯑priety before ſo reſpectable a perſonage. But it was far otherwiſe with my aſſo⯑ciate; for, though he had been accom⯑modated with a plate of much greater magnitude than mine, and ſat in a man⯑ner abſolutely intrenched behind beef and cabbage, yet, wonderful to tell! in the courſe of five or ſix minutes, he made ſhift to demoliſh the whole with the moſt perfect eaſe and compoſure; and after⯑wards called for a ſlice of pudding, which he diſpatched with the ſame fa⯑cility; then, taking up his hat, he wink⯑ed to the company, and, pulling me on one ſide, whiſpered, that he was going into the next ſquare, where an aunt of his lived, who, by the by, would leave [184] him more thouſands than he had fingers, and that he ſhould return immediately; but, in caſe that he met with a certain nobleman, whom he expected to ſee, and ſhould be detained longer than or⯑dinary, adviſed me to be under no ſort of apprehenſion on that account, as he made it a point to dine at that houſe whenever he was diſengaged from the beau monde.

Though I could not well underſtand the nature of ſuch an apology, from a man of his ſeeming importance, to an humble being like me, yet I made one of my beſt bows, and told him I ſhould always think myſelf honoured to be bleſſed with his ſociety. He appeared to take this declaration in good part, and, ſqueezing my hand, wiſhed the company a good day, and inſtantly vaniſhed from our ſight.

[185]He was ſcarcely out of the houſe, when I had the mortification to hear a thouſand remarks made upon my friend, the count. One obſerved, at the ſame time looking at me with a ſignificant leer, that the count was at home.— "Aye, damme," ſays a ſecond, "tell me, did you ever know him out of his way?"— "No," replies a third, unleſs he ſtumbles upon a ſheriff's officer."—"What, has he a diſlike to the ſervants of juſtice?" ſays a fourth.—"Not abſolutely ſo," rejoins a fifth, "'tis only a ſort of natural an⯑tipathy, peculiar to that nobleman;— every man has his objects of averſion, and 'tis well known the count's diſ⯑like is chiefly levelled at tailors, at⯑tornies, and bum-bailiffs."

[186]Though I did not clearly compre⯑hend the meaning of all their diſcourſe, yet I underſtood ſufficiently to inform myſelf, that ſome of their expreſſions were not quite ſo reſpectful as I thought a gentleman of his amiable manners was entitled to; and I was actually prepa⯑ring to leave the room, when one of the perſons, who ſat oppoſite to me, aſk⯑ed, with great ſeeming concern, how long I had had the honour of being en⯑rolled among the count's friends; upon which I related the adventure of our meeting in the next ſtreet, and the kind method that he had taken to ſhew me a houſe of entertainment to ſatisfy the cra⯑vings of my ſtomach. — "Aye, aye," replies the perſon who queſtioned me, "the count, it muſt be allowed, is a very civil gentleman, but he gene⯑rally [187] thinks fit to confine this eſſen⯑tial part of his good breeding to ſtrangers."—"And foreigners, you will allow," cries another.—"Yes," rejoins the perſon who ſpoke firſt, "but that gentleman is no foreigner."— Done for a guinea he is," replies the other.—"Done," ſays his antagoniſt; and immediately addreſſing himſelf to me, with great earneſtneſs, aſked, with many apologies for his impertinence, where I was born. I told him, without heſitation, in Ireland.—"There, dam⯑me, gentlemen," roars the perſon who propoſed the wager, "I knew I was right, by G—d."—"Right!" ſays the other, "how can that be!—we all know that Ireland is but an extra⯑neous part of England;—isn't it, ſir?" ſays he, looking me full in the face.— [188] "Yes, ſir," replied I, half dead with confuſion. — Upon which there was a general roar of applauſe, and each of the opponents, taking me by the hand, (which they ſhook with great violence, in token of their approbation,) declared, that I was a damned honeſt fellow, and they ſhould be proud to be better known to me. I received this condeſcenſion in good part, and made them a low bow.

Here the diſcourſe took another turn, in purſuing which they handled the cha⯑racter of the count with ſo little mercy, that I began to entertain ſome doubts of his quality. — But all theſe ideas, which I began to form to his diſadvan⯑tage, vaniſhed at the approach of the lady of the houſe, who informed me that I owed her five-pence for my eatables, and eight-pence for the count's; when [189] I pulled out my ſcanty pittance, and diſcharged the reckoning, happy in ha⯑ving an opportunity of dining with a perſon of ſuch diſtinction at ſo cheap a rate; for, as I heard the landlady men⯑tion his title, I had no longer any miſ⯑truſt relative to his character in life; and, aſſuming a little effrontery, I aſked the gentleman who ſat next me if the count was a man of fortune.—"Oh! prodigious!" anſwered the other.— His eſtate is in England, I preſume, ſir," ſays I.—"No," ſays a queer-looking old man, whom I had not no⯑ticed before, "it's neither here nor there, friend." I was calling all my geogra⯑phical learning to my aid, to find out that country, when another obſerved, that, to his certain knowledge, he was in poſſeſſion of ſome of the fineſt lands [190] in all Sclavonia.—"Oh! then, I ſuppoſe he's a German nobleman," replied I. —"He is," ſays the other, "and one of the moſt ancient in the whole cir⯑cle of the empire."—Upon which I got up, took my hat, and ſaluted the company; which mark of reſpect, on my part, they all returned with tenfold in⯑tereſt; and then I iſſued forth from the houſe, highly gratified at the honour of ſo diſtinguiſhed an acquaintance, which I reſolved to cultivate with all the ad⯑dreſs in my power.

CHAPTER XXVI.

ELATED with my ſucceſs, and pro⯑digiouſly vain of thoſe abilities which had been the primary cauſe, as I imagined, of attaching ſo great a man to my intereſt, I began to form a thou⯑ſand ſchemes for the improvement of my fortune; and could not help reviving the memory of my poor father and mo⯑ther, [192] who had taken ſuch care of my education, that, ſhould any of the count's friends think proper to employ me in the capacity of a ſteward, or o⯑therwiſe, I was intirely fit for their ſer⯑vice. — I had ſtrolled through ſeveral ſtreets, ſo abſolutely wrapped up in my my reflexions on my future greatneſs that I ſcarce heeded or knew where, or on what purpoſe, I was going, till I came to the corner of a lane, when an acci⯑dent happened that broke aſunder the texture of my reveries.

I was walking along, with my arms enfolded in each other, and my head reclining on my breaſt, in deep con⯑templation, when I received a blow from the end of a ladder, which two men were bringing round the corner, that not only ſtunned, and deprived me, in an in⯑ſtant, of all powers of ſenſation, but, [193] by the force of the blow, drove me back⯑wards, at leaſt ten paces, when I un⯑luckily ſtaggered againſt a tub that ſtood at the edge of the cellar of a public houſe, where ſome draymen were ſtart⯑ing porter, which, giving way, accom⯑panied me in the fall, which was at leaſt ſix feet perpendicular, and I fell plump into an empty butt, which ſtood ready to be drawn up.

The noiſe, which the tub and I had occaſioned in our deſcent, drew together all the people out of the alehouſe to ex⯑plore the cauſe; when, lo! poor Tony was diſcovered lying motionleſs at the bot⯑tom of the veſſel. Every means was im⯑mediately put in practice to relieve me from ſo uncomfortable a ſituation; and, having dragged me up the ſtairs once more into the regions of day, they [194] brought me into the middle of the tap-room, where a barber, who was preſent, undertook to bleed me, while another poured a glaſs of brandy-hot down my throat, in order to reſtore me to my ſtrength and ſpirits.

Whether it was owing to the opera⯑tions of nature, or the beneficial effects of the preſcriptions of my phyſicians, that I recovered, remains, to this hour, undetermined; but certain it is that my ſpirits were re-eſtabliſhed, and I was a⯑gain enabled to purſue thoſe avocations in life which were eventually to lead me into the temple of fortune.—As I walk⯑ed along, the pain in my head, which my late diſaſter had occaſioned, in a great meaſure reduced that felicity I ſhould otherwiſe have enjoyed, in con⯑ſequence of the pleaſurable notions I [195] had conjured up in my brain ſince my rencounter with the Sclavonian beau.

But I hardly knew to what point of the compaſs I was ſteering, when I arrived at a large ſtone gate, through which an immenſe number of coaches and carts were paſſing, without intermiſſion; and my ears were dinned with a con⯑tinual noiſe and uproar, made up of the bawling of duſtmen, the rattling of carriages, and the oaths and exe⯑crations of coachmen and carmen con⯑tending, for priority of place, with as much vehemence and bitterneſs as if the conteſt was the moſt important cir⯑cumſtance of their lives.

As I ſtood contemplating that ſcene of blaſphemy, I was ſurrounded by a number of idle people, who were liſten⯑ing to the ſtrains of a ballad-ſinger, the [196] tenor of whoſe ſong I perceived admi⯑niſtered great pleaſure to the auditory around her. I had ſcarcely been at⯑tentive above two minutes, before I heard ſufficient to make me bluſh from ear to ear with confuſion; and, ſkulk⯑ing, unperceived, from the croud, I made the beſt of my way down the ſtreet, lamenting the defects of a po⯑lice that permitted ſuch public incite⯑ments to debauchery, wounding the mo⯑rals of the riſing generation, and an⯑noying the ears of modeſty, to be ſung about the greateſt avenues of the capital with impunity.

Full of theſe reflexions for the public good, I ſtrayed along the path, till my progreſs was interrupted by a collection of men, women, and children, who were gaping, with their mouths wide open, [197] at a wonderful piece of mechaniſm, af⯑fixed againſt a church, where two auto⯑maton figures, they informed me, would ſtrike the quarters. I was wonderfully incited to be preſent at the operation, and, placing myſelf in the center, juſt oppoſite the ſcene of action, waited for the accompliſhment of my deſires with the moſt ardent curioſity. But, ere that event took place, the whole aſſembly was thrown into confuſion by the de⯑tection of a pick-pocket, who had been making ſomewhat too free with the purſe of a lady that formed a part of the inquiſitive group.

When the culprit was brought for⯑ward, his appearance was altogether ſuch as ſtruck me with aſtoniſhment; for, conceive what my ſurprize muſt be, who had always thought that a thief [198] bore his credentials to roguery in his forehead, to behold a ſlim young man, dreſſed, at all points, in the utmoſt ex⯑travagance of the faſhion, and who proteſted his innocence in terms of the moſt elegant language, handled by a mercileſs mob as one of the fraternity of the loweſt order of human villains; nay, I was in my own mind ſo perfectly convinced of the falſehood of the charge, that I felt myſelf frequently impelled to ſtep forward in his defence; and I actually ſhould have done ſo, if a very reſpectable gentleman had not declared that he was the moſt notorious pick-pocket about town.

As I was eager to be preſent at the puniſhment of a delinquent, whom the laws of the land ſeem tacitly to exclude from their protection, I followed the [199] tattered cavalcade, who proceeded with their priſoner, cloſe guarded, to the wa⯑ter-ſide; where, after taking him to ſome neighbouring barges that were la⯑den with coals, they plunged him, un⯑reſtrained by a ſingle emotion of pity, into the ſable ſtream, where he was forced to remain for upwards of twenty minutes, floundering for his life amidſt a congregation of filth, diſembogued from all corners of the metropolis, and interlarded with dead cats, drowned puppies, ſtinking fiſh, and other offen⯑ſive matter, more abhorrent to the ſenſe of ſmelling than all the eſſence of Pan⯑dora's cabinet. When he had under⯑gone a ſufficient ſhare of puniſhment for his mal-practices, a tender-hearted waterman, ‘"Touch'd with a generous ſenſe of human woe,"’ [200] took the poor devil into his boat, and rowed away with the fallen underſtrap⯑per of Mercury amid the diſcordant groans of the million that crouded the ſhores of old Thames.

As the evening was now approaching very faſt, I thought it prudent to make the beſt of my way back to the inn, being a ſtranger in town, and not know⯑ing where to procure a lodging imme⯑diately. I was on my way thither, re⯑ſolving to get up early the next morn⯑ing to deliver my letter to my late maſ⯑ter's friend in Weſtminſter, and after⯑wards to meet the count, agreeable to appointment, at the eating-houſe near the Seven Dials.

But, luckily, as I came to the foot of Blackfriers Bridge, I met my noble acquaintance once more. The ren⯑counter [201] happened as follows.—I ſaw a mob of people collecting very faſt, at a little diſtance from the place I was paſſing; and, hearing ſome very high words paſs, I walked up to inquire into the cauſe, when I beheld a woman, of a very vulgar appearance, who had faſ⯑tened one hand in the collar of a gen⯑tleman, whom ſhe was dragging along the pavement, while, with the other, ſhe was threatening to knock him down, if he made the leaſt reſiſtance; and he, in the moſt piteous manner, was intreat⯑ing the croud to take his part.

I was puſhing the people on one ſide, to inquire more fully into the matter, when I beheld, to my utter grief and ſurpriſe, that the unfortunate hero was no other than the very individual count, who had behaved with ſuch politeneſs [202] to me in the preceding part of the day. I was ſo enraged to ſee the only gentle⯑man I had met with ſince my landing in England, who, in my opinion, poſ⯑ſeſſed either tenderneſs or urbanity, treated in ſuch a rude manner, that I inſtantaneouſly lifted up my ſtick to ſtrike the furious Amazon to the earth, in order to liberate my friend; but I preſently found my arms were pinioned behind me by the mob, who reprobated my conduct, for endeavouring to reſcue a man who had refuſed to pay his law⯑ful debts. This charge made me fire with ſuch rage that I could not avoid telling the fellow, who advanced it, that it was a lie; for the gentleman was my friend, and not only a man of honour but likewiſe of great fortune. This laſt expreſſion rouſed the attention of the wo⯑man [203] who had him in cuſtody, and ſhe in⯑ſtantly retorted, "He a man of fortune! —he be damned, a poor, half-ſtarved, would-be, gentleman; — the devil take ſuch mungrels, I ſay; — why don't he pay me my bill? — anſwer me that."—"And ſo he will, I am ſure," replied I, "if your demand is a juſt one."—"Juſt!" ſays the fu⯑rious gentlewoman, "and who are you, pray, that take upon you to diſpute the juſtice of the matter, I ſhould be glad to know?—will you pay his bill for him?"—"Aye, my dear friend, do," ſaid the count, "and I ſhall be for ever devoted to your ſervice;— it is but a trifle, only nine ſhillings and ſeven pence, upon my ſoul."— Yes," ſays his perſecutreſs, "and it has been due theſe nine months for [204] my hard labour."—Here the count deſired to ſpeak to me, and whiſpered in my ear that it was a trifling bill for waſhing, which he had incurred juſt be⯑fore his laſt remittance from abroad, and that ever ſince it had ſlipped his memory; but he requeſted me, for the love of God, to pay the money, if I had it a⯑bout me, and not let him ſuffer ſuch a public diſgrace any longer.

I felt my bowels of compaſſion incline very much to ſerve the diſaſtrous noble⯑man, and involuntarily pulled out all the caſh I had left except one guinea, which I had formerly ſewed up in the waiſtband of my breeches, to ſtand my friend in caſe of any ſudden emergency. When the ſcarlet-faced laundreſs ſaw me pull out my money, in obedience to the count's intreaties, ſhe quitted her prey, [205] and I paid her the amount of her bill. When ſhe had fingered the caſh, after looking in my face with a ſignificant eye, ſhe burſt into a loud laugh, and, taking her leave, wiſhed me joy of my new acquaintance.

As this diſagreeable buſineſs was now ſettled, and the count emancipated from his fears, we thought of retiring to ſome houſe in the neighbourhood, to ſettle the plan of operations for the enſuing day.—I was looking about me, in ſearch of a beer-drinking caravanſera, when my facetious aſſociate, taking me under the arm, informed me that he would conduct me to a houſe, not very far from us, where the porter was good and the company excellent.

As we proceeded along, I ventured to make my companion acquainted with [206] the reduced ſtate of my finances, and the little hope I had of recruiting it un⯑til I ſhould get into ſome ſervice. At the word ſervice the count ſtared, and ſaid, he conceived it impoſſible that a perſon of my accompliſhments could think of ſubjecting himſelf to the whims and caprice of the firſt prince in Chriſ⯑tendom; beſides, added he, your edu⯑cation, I perceive, is liberal, your man⯑ners polite, and your perſon irreſiſtible. —"Damme," adds the count, putting a glaſs to his eye, and ſurveying me from head to foot, "if I ever ſaw a prettier, tighter, lighter, more genteel, bit of humanity in the three kingdoms.— Oh! zounds!" continues he, "you muſt put the notion of ſervitude in⯑tirely out of your head, unleſs it is that of the ladies:—why, man," ſays [207] he, "I'll introduce you to a circle of the firſt-rate toaſts in the capital, all prodigious fortunes, and there's no doubt but you may marry the firſt wo⯑man you take a liking to."

Though I was charmed to extaſy with the count's extravagant flattery of my perſon and mental endowments, of which I conceived no very contemptible idea myſelf, yet I could not reſiſt pointing out to my companion ſome ſmall impe⯑diments, which I imagined fate would throw in my way to bar the progreſs of my good fortune, namely, that of pro⯑per clothes to appear in. But I had ſcarcely hinted my doubts, when he kindly informed me that his wardrobe was intirely at my ſervice, where I might pick and chooſe out of all the colours of the rainbow; at the ſame time aſking [208] me what colour I thought moſt advan⯑tageous to my complexion; and, upon my anſwering I thought blue was as be⯑coming as any, he told me, with a face of deep concern, that he was curſedly mortified that the blue could not be had, for he had given it away but the morning before to a half-pay lieutenant, with a wife and ſeven children.—"Oh! my dear ſir," rejoined I, "don't trou⯑ble yourſelf, the ſcarlet will do very well."—"The ſcarlet, you ſaid," ſays the count.—"Yes," I replied, "if it was agreeable to him."—"Why, my dear friend," rejoins the beau, "it is perfectly agreeable, but, damn it, at preſent it's totally impoſſible; for I lent that very coat laſt week to a gen⯑tleman of my acquaintance to go to the opera; his own tailor, you muſt [209] know, having diſappointed him, though the ſcoundrel knew he was to be introduced that evening to a young beauty from Devonſhire, with a for⯑tune of thirty thouſand pounds."— Well, well, ſir, the firſt that comes to hand, then, will ſatisfy me," add⯑ed I.—"Will it?—damme, now, but that's kind," ſays the count, ſqueez⯑ing my hand, "this is behaving like a true friend; you ſhall certainly be welcome to the firſt fuit that comes to my hands, I aſſure you."

The repeated excuſes of my compa⯑nion, added to a certain ſhabbineſs of at⯑tire, awakened ſome doubts in my mind relative to his quality, which I could not intirely ſtifle, notwithſtanding his apparent good-breeding and ſupera⯑bundant complaiſance; but, as my [210] knowledge of the world was as yet very limited, and, fooliſhly imagining that the language of the tongue could be coined in no other mint but the heart, I did not know but the count's attach⯑ment to old clothes was ſomewhat like mine to an old friend, becauſe he could put them on and off without much ce⯑remony. However, coming at laſt to the corner of a narrow court, badly paved and offenſively dirty, we turned up it, and entered a public houſe by a deſcent of three ſteps from the ſtreet. Here I found likewiſe that my friend, to bor⯑row a phraſe of his own, was perfectly "at home;" for the whole congrega⯑tion, recognizing his perſon immediate⯑ly, ſaluted him by the familiar appella⯑tion of "Count, how are you?" I muſt own that the unbridled familiarity of [211] ſuch a vulgar group, towards a perſon of his rank in life, gave an additional wound to my faith relative to his qua⯑lity and importance, and I reſolved to ſeize the firſt opportunity of ſatisfy⯑ing my ſcruples upon that head.

CHAPTER XXVII.

BY the ſmiles of the landlady towards my companion, I perceived that he was no leſs than a warm favourite in her eye; for ſhe came out of the bar, in which ſhe had hitherto been engaged, accom⯑modating a tailor's lady with a pint of geneva, and uſhered us into a back room, the door of which was ſcarcely opened, when there iſſued forth ſuch [213] abundant volumes of ſmoke as could hardly be ſurpaſſed in the avenues of the infernal regions.

When we had taken our ſeats in this den of oblivion, (for the appellation of room it certainly did not deſerve,) the clouds began to diſſipate, that had made every object in the room impervious to my view, and I found myſelf flanked on each ſide with a ſociety of mirth-in⯑ſpiring mortals, who, by the trifling aſſiſtance of a pipe and a ſong, ſeemed to have totally excluded care from their magic cavern. After I was formally introduced to the ſociety by my friend, as an honeſt fellow and a bon vivant, we took our ſeats round the table of A⯑nacreon; and the preſident of the even⯑ing commanded ſilence for a favourite catch, which was delivered, in high [214] ſtyle, by three of the members. After this followed a ſentiment, which, as it ſavoured infinitely more of wit than de⯑cency, I ſhall forbear to repeat.

When it came to the count's turn to ſing, he inſtantly gave them the well-known ditty of "Death and the Lady" in character, and interlarded it with ſuch inimitable ſtrokes of comic humour and expreſſion of countenance, as made me well nigh burſt with laughter. At the concluſion of this effort of the count's, the whole circle congratulated him upon the extenſiveneſs of his riſible powers.

Now it came to my turn to make an offering at the ſhrine of Comus, and I was requeſted by the preſident, in the name of the company, to favour them with a ſong. I made every apology to excuſe the performance which my in⯑genuity [215] could ſuggeſt, but found myſelf ſo hard preſſed by the intreaties of my companions that I muſt have complied, if a good-natured young man, who ſat at my left hand, and who perceived the embarraſſment the requeſt had thrown me into, had not voluntarily offered, with my permiſſion, to become my ſub⯑ſtitute. As this propoſal was backed by a few well-timed obſervations by the count, I was excuſed, and the buſineſs of the evening went forward as uſual.

When it grew late, and the company began to drop off one by one, I com⯑municated to my boon aſſociate the ne⯑ceſſity I was under of going to bed, and likewiſe told him of the engagement I had to fulfil the next day; but he com⯑forted me, by the aſſurance that he would take care and find me a proper [216] night's lodging. With this declaration I remained ſatisfied, as I was convinced that he muſt know the town much better than I poſſibly could, who had ſcarcely breathed in it above twenty-four hours.

As the bowl of punch, over which we held this argument, was now demoliſhed, it was propoſed to fill another, to which I offered ſome ſlight objections that were inſtantly over-ruled by the count, who, wholly regardleſs of my remarks, order⯑ed it to be repleniſhed, and then, whiſ⯑pering in my ear, informed me, that he would introduce me to the friendſhip of the young fellow who kindly ſang in my room; who, he aſſured me, was a per⯑ſon well worth my acquaintance, and who would prove of great ſervice to me in the purſuits which he intended I ſhould follow, as ſoon as I had received [217] a little of the poliſh, neceſſary to cut any thing like a capital figure in life. I thanked him for this new inſtance of his regard; and, agreeably to his word, he recommended me, in the moſt forcible manner, to the protection of his friend; having previouſly whiſpered him, as I ſuppoſed, to excuſe the baſhfulneſs of my demeanour.

Were I to ſet down one half of the compliments which were paid to the graces of my perſon, by the count and my new ally, during the demolition of the punch, you would naturally imagine that I was the vaineſt of all human be⯑ings; for, while one was praiſing the ringlets of hair that flowed looſely down my back, the other diſcovered that I had the beſt-turned ancle and the neat⯑eſt leg he ever ſaw; obſervations, to [218] which I gave full credit, as I really had ſome cauſe to value myſelf upon the ſymmetry of my limbs; and ſo much was I bewildered by the exceſſive incenſe of their flattery, that I did not per⯑ceive what was going forward till the landlady had abſolutely made another bowl, and placed it on the table before us. Now the apprehenſions for my health overcame every other conſidera⯑tion; for, not being accuſtomed to keep ſuch late hours, and, beſides, finding that the fumes of the liquor had mount⯑ed into my upper ſtory, or, in other words, that my brain was affected, I made a motion for departing. But this the count abſolutely forbade, and paint⯑ed the dangers ſo forcibly, which a ſtran⯑ger to the manners of the town had to expect from walking, at ſuch a late hour [219] of the night, alone, that I trembled in idea, and began to uſe every perſuaſion to induce him to accompany me, which at laſt he promiſed to comply with as ſoon as he had demoliſhed the liquor which ſo invitingly courted his em⯑braces.

Here the count took an opportunity of informing our common friend to what purpoſe he meant to dedicate my per⯑ſonal accompliſhments, which was no other than to have me introduced to the notice of ſome ladies of fortune and diſtinction, of his acquaintance, and, by the aid of a little manoeuvring, en⯑forced by the beauties of my perſon, to ſnap up ſome young tit of quality, whoſe fortune would make me independent for life. I was ſo elated with this uncom⯑mon zeal of the count for my happineſs, [220] that my eyes ſwam with tears of grati⯑tude and joy;—I thanked him in the moſt extravagant and lively terms of language, promiſing to obey his direc⯑tions in every particular of my life; and would have proſtrated myſelf at his feet, and called upon Heaven to reward his friendly heart, had he not abſolutely inſiſted upon the contrary.

Now, the watchman giving us notice that it was between two and three o'clock in the morning, it was judged expedient to pay our reckoning, and depart in peace; and, upon the landlady's ap⯑proach with her bill, I told her we would ſettle as ſoon as our companion return⯑ed; for, upon our mentioning the word payment, I had obſerved he took his hat and ſlipped out of the room. Here ſhe thought proper to ſet me right, by aſſu⯑ring [221] me that the gentleman we alluded to had been gone home above theſe ten minutes, and, probably, that ſhe might not ſet eyes upon him for three months to come, and if ſhe never did again ſhe ſhould not break her heart. Upon receiving this unwelcome intelligence, I aſked who was to pay his part; to which ſhe replied, that was a matter we ſhould have ſettled among ourſelves before he thought proper to decamp;— that ſhe ſhould look to me for the mo⯑ney, which I muſt pay her immediately, for ſhe had a heavy bill to make up for her diſtiller, whom ſhe expected to call the next day, and could not afford to loſe her moderate profits in compliment to any vagabond upon earth.

Finding no reſource left but by pay⯑ing the money, I aſked for her bill, [222] which amounting to ſix ſhillings and nine-pence more than I had in my pocket, I turned about to conſult the count what meaſure we muſt follow in this miſerable dilemma, when, to my utter aſtoniſhment, I found he was gone alſo; however, imagining that he would ſhortly return, I ſat in the utmoſt im⯑patience, meaning that he ſhould paſs his word with the woman of the houſe for the remainder. But, having ſat a conſiderable time, and no count ap⯑pearing, I told the woman that I had not money ſufficient to diſcharge the bill totally, but that I would give her what I had, and that my friend ſhould be anſwerable for the remainder. — "What friend, pray?" ſays the lady of the bar.—"The count," anſwered I. —"The count!" replied ſhe, in accents [223] of diſdain, ‘yes, yes, he is a pretty fellow, indeed, to paſs his word!— why, my good friend, I don't know whether you're ſerious or not; but, give me leave to tell you, that I wou'dn't take his word, no, nor his oath neither, for ſix farthings, much leſs for ſix ſhillings.’—Here my choler roſe, to hear my friend's cha⯑racter ſo villanouſly traduced; and, aſ⯑ſuming all the importance I was able, I told her, ſhe ought to be aſhamed of mentioning the name of ſo accompliſhed a gentleman with diſreſpect.—"A gen⯑tleman, indeed!" replied the angry hoſteſs, "a raſcal, you mean! — why, he's as poor as a half-pay officer, and doesn't eat a dinner above three times a week, and that's at the expence of ſome credulous fool or another."

[224]At this relation of the landlady's the blood forſook my cheeks, and an uni⯑verſal panic ſeized my whole frame; for, comparing the poſitiveneſs of her aſſertions with the apparent poverty of my companion and the ſhabbineſs of his habiliments, I could not help gi⯑ving full credit to her tale, though it was at the expence of my diſcernment as a man, and my deareſt hopes for ever. The woman, perceiving my ſituation, and the callow innocence of my mind, offered to take what money I had about me, and a pledge for the remainder, until it ſhould be convenient for me to call to diſcharge the whole. I was happy to comply even with this accommodation of the matter; and, after giving her all my caſh, and depoſiting my ſilver ſhoe-buckles for the reſt, I took my leave, [225] and wandered forth in the ſtreets of an unbounded and flagitious metropolis, to whoſe cuſtoms I was almoſt an entire ſtranger, at the diſmal hour of three in the morning, without a penny in my pocket, or a friend to direct my ſteps; and continually ruminating on the com⯑plicated vices of mankind, which I found were hourly ſpread to delude the un⯑thinking and unwary.

CHAPTER XXVIII.

AS I went along, muſing on the iniquities of the world, my ears were aſſailed with the cries of a female. I no ſooner heard the voice of diſtreſs than my feelings took the alarm, being always eager to remove the ſorrows of any, but particularly a woman's. When I came to the place of action, I found a poor [227] creature on the ground, ſtruggling with a man, who ſtruck at her ſeveral times; but, the moment her eyes caught my approach, ſhe prayed, for the love of Jeſus, that I would aſſiſt her. On ſuch an occaſion I never wanted any other monitor than my humanity, and, guided by that impulſe, I entered into her quar⯑rel with ſuch zeal and activity, that, in leſs than ten minutes, I laid her oppreſ⯑ſor breathleſs at my feet.

The noiſe of our combat had attract⯑ed the notice of ſome watchmen, who, gathering round us, made an inquiry into the nature of ſuch a breach of the peace at that dead hour of the night. I was going to inform them of the true ſtate of the matter, when the vanquiſhed hero, who lay bleeding in the ſtreet, charged the watch to take me into cuſ⯑tody, [228] as a villain who wanted to rob and murder him. The words had ſcarce⯑ly eſcaped his lips, when I was ſecured by theſe honeſt deſcendents of Time, who, tally regardleſs of all my proteſtations to the contrary, conveyed me to the watch-houſe, accompanied by the wretch who had accuſed me, with his face and clothes beſmeared all over with blood. As for the girl, in whoſe defence I had thus riſked my life and liberty, ſhe had thought proper to decamp as faſt as poſ⯑ſible from the ſcene of the affray, having ſolid reaſons to diſlike the ſociety of a watchman, and a natural antipathy to the inſide of a houſe of correction.

When we had made our entrance into the watch-houſe, I was brought before the conſtable of the night, whom we found in an inner room, enjoying him⯑ſelf [229] with a pot of porter and a pipe, and aſſiſted in the duties of his holy office by a drunken buck, who had taken up his night's lodging in the round-houſe, to ſee life, and enjoy a bit of ſun. When the fellow, whom I had beaten, had ex⯑hibited his charge againſt me, in which he was ſupported by the watchmen, the conſtable, aſſuming all the magiſterial dignity he was able, turning to me, ſaid, ‘Well, you dog, what have you to ſay in your defence?’ Frightened out of my ſenſes at being brought to a tri⯑bunal of juſtice, I confeſſed the whole matter, from beginning to end, and had the conſolation to underſtand, from the inebriate gentleman who ſat by the watch-houſe fire, and who perceived my ignorance of the town, that I ſhould certainly be hanged, for that there was [230] not a ſhadow of doubt but the man would die. If he had taken a piſtol and ſhot me through the head, it could not have more completely deprived me of the powers of ſenſation: — I ſtood, for ſome minutes, motionleſs as a ſta⯑tue; at length my tears made way for my relief, and I wept, with the utmoſt contrition, for the horror of an act that would not only take away the life of a fellow-creature, but involve my own in its dreadful conſequences.

I had ſcarcely dried my eyes, when a man, of a very genteel aſpect, entered with a ragged proſtitute, whom he charged with having privately robbed him of his watch. It appeared, in the courſe of her examination, that ſhe had conveyed it to a watchman, who, it ſeemed, went ſhares in her profits, and [231] who adviſed her, in caſe the gentleman ſhould return and claim his property, to charge him as having attempted to uſe her ill, and by that means oblige him not only to relinquiſh all farther claim to the trinket they had pilfered, but to purchaſe his releaſe at a very conſider⯑able amount. But the gentleman, who was a rigid obſerver of the laws, was ſo far from being intimidated by the threats of the woman, or the apprehenſions of appearing publicly on ſuch a buſineſs in a court of juſtice, that he made it a point to have her ſecured, in ſpite of the manoeuvres of her friend and his fraternity. Upon her confeſſing the whole affair, and giving up the watch⯑man as her colleague, who reſtored the gentleman his watch upon a previous promiſe of pardon, he conſented to let [232] her go; declaring, at the ſame time, that he ſhould have found an uncom⯑mon ſatisfaction in bringing ſo infamous a villain, as the raſcally retainer of time, to public juſtice.

As the petty feuds of the night are not to be diſcuſſed in watch-houſes with⯑out ſome copious oblations to the ſhrine of Bacchus, the gentleman, in conformity to ſo laudable and eſtabliſhed a cuſtom, ordered a bottle of wine, over which the conſtable, the buck, and himſelf, ſat diſcourſing for an hour, to the great joy of all the diſturbers of the night; for the preſiding magiſtrate was a man of ſuch a convivial kidney as would not be called from the enjoyment of his bottle to ſettle the claims of juſtice, if they were even demanded by the firſt man in the kingdom.

[233]After paſſing a moſt comfortleſs and horrid night, about nine in the morn⯑ing I was taken up to one of the rotation-offices, and examined relative to the bloody charges exhibited againſt me:—I trembled all the way, and went to this mock-tribunal of legiſlative au⯑thority like a criminal under ſentence of death; for I verily believed the hour was now arrived when I ſhould end all my miſeries by an ignominious death. But, fortunately, a circumſtance took place at the office that changed my ap⯑prehenſions into tranſports. Previous to our arrival, a gentleman, who had been robbed the week before on Houn⯑ſlow Heath, had attended the examina⯑tion of two men, who were taken up on ſuſpicion of being guilty of the robbery; but, finding they were not the perſons [234] who had committed the fact, he was coming down the ſteps of the door, on his departure, when he met the whole troop, who were conducting me and my accuſer before the ſitting magiſtrate. Anxious to learn the cauſe of a piece of buſineſs ſo apparently dreadful, he turned back, and, juſt as I and the villain who had charged me falſely were brought to the bar, the gentleman, pointing to my proſecutor, exclaimed with a ſtrong emphaſis, like Nathan in holy writ, "Thou art the man!"— "What man?" replied the juſtice.— "The man who committed the rob⯑bery," ſays the gentleman. Upon the ſtrength of his authority, the villain, who was endeavouring to harraſs me for exerciſing the feelings of a Chriſ⯑tian, was, in his turn, ſecured and [235] examined; in the courſe of which he owned the commiſſion of the fact, and in the confuſion of his mind acknow⯑ledged that I had neither robbed or in any manner ill-uſed him, but ratified, in every particular, the account I had pre⯑viouſly delivered before the conſtable of the night. In conſequence of the hap⯑py iſſue of this woe-fraught adventure I was immediately ſet at liberty, and the poor devil, whoſe bones I had ſo bela⯑boured in the morning, was handcuffed and conveyed to priſon, to await, in durance vile, the awful ſentence of the law.

When I found myſelf once more unre⯑ſtrained, and in the middle of the ſtreet, at liberty to follow which path I liked beſt, I thought my heart would have leaped through my ribs for joy. My [236] extacies were, indeed, ſomewhat allayed by the recollection that I had not a ſix⯑pence in my purſe, but yet not ſuffi⯑ciently ſo to make me ſad; for all ideas relative to money became now but a ſe⯑condary conſideration in my ſcale of fe⯑licity, and that circumſtance, which would have made me wretched the day before, was now abſorbed in the ſelf-congratulations of eſcape from ſo pe⯑rilous a ſituation:—ſo much does the happineſs of our lives, as well as the beauty of objects, depend upon oppoſi⯑tion.

As the perturbation of my ſpirits be⯑gan to ſubſide, a ſenſe of the misfor⯑tunes that ſtill hovered round me began to operate with accumulated force. I knew not whither to turn my ſteps to procure a dinner, much leſs all thoſe comforts [237] of which I had been deprived by the ſilly expenditure of my money in the purſuit of a ſhadow. In the bitterneſs of my anguiſh I curſed the hour that had firſt made me acquainted with the count, whom I now conſidered as the primary cauſe of all my woe, and vow⯑ed revenge, if ever time and opportu⯑nity brought him within my reach.

As I was muſing deeply on the hard rubs of fortune that I had experienced, I luckily thought of the guinea which I had formerly ſewed up in my waiſtband; and, inſtantly ripping it open with a pen-knife, I ſeized the hidden treaſure, which I kiſſed with the rapture of a zealot; and, ere I put my reſolutions in practice, which were to buy a pair of cheap ſhoe-buckles, and a few other indiſpenſible perſonal neceſſaries, I could not help [238] uttering the following rhapſody to my laſt guinea: —‘And ſhall I never ſee thee more, thou lovely miniſter of all my pleaſures?—without thy power⯑ful aſſiſtance the goodly fruits, that iſſue from the womb of Nature, are taſteleſs, joyleſs, and inſipid;— it is you alone can chear the human heart, and raiſe it from deſpondency; —you viſit us as the harbinger of de⯑light, and all the graces that adorn our ſtate are crouding in thy train;— thy influence, more potent than the blandiſhments of beauty, can turn aſide the ſtream of juſtice, ſhake the monarch on his imperial throne, and, by thy ſtrength of argument, con⯑found and deſtroy the long-preſcribed diſtinctions, which equity and wiſdom have erected on the precincts of right [239] and wrong. — Alas! how ineffectual is merit, if not ſupported by your ſmiles! like the floweret in the Ara⯑bian deſert, it bloſſoms unregarded and periſhes unknown.—The love of thee even ſuperſedes that of fame; for proud man would ceaſe to be a hero, and the artiſt to be immortalized by the labours of his pencil, if cut off from the genial hope of thy embraces.—If Providence, in her bounteous diſpen⯑ſations, meant you as a bleſſing, why were you diſtributed with ſo unequal a hand? But, on the contrary, my reaſon aſſures me, that you were ſent us as a curſe, to poiſon the fountain of human excellence, to vitiate the heart, and ſhake the peace of ſociety. The force of reflexion having diſſi⯑pated my prejudices, I will lament thy [240] loſs no more, but chearfully reſign thee, thou baneful miniſter of human evil, to the inſatiate hand of avarice and ambition, and, living obedient to the dictates of morality, endeavour to be happy by the exerciſe of vir⯑tue.’