CHAPTER I. Birth, parentage and education, of James Tory.

A VAST, you critic, with the brown face and ſharp noſe! What! you are already prying to diſcover ſome naked⯑neſs, are you? You are rummaging your pockets for your little rule and line, to apply to this ſublime treatiſe. But I let you to know that this great, and arduous, work has ſo many angles, tangents, and ca⯑pricious excreſcences, that it ſets your rule [2]and line at defiance. Be gone then: call for pen, ink, and paper; and write ſome work of your own—and then write a cri⯑ticiſm upon it—and reduce it to your rules.

Your rules, indeed! all rules have ex⯑ceptions: and, to confirm a proverb, I ſhall tell you a little ſtory:

A worthy old gentleman of my acquaint⯑ance, ſick of the gang of town ſervants, hired a raw lad from the country, and re⯑ſolved to tutor him himſelf. So, upon the evening of Hob-nail's arrival, he was ſum⯑moned to the parlour, and Teſty began thus: "I do not wiſh, Hob, to over-load your memory with too many inſtructions at once; but I ſhall content myſelf, my lad, with giving you one at a time; and when I ſee that you practiſe that, then I ſhall give [3]you another. As you are but raw from the country, the firſt leſſon I ſhall give you is, to be upon your guard againſt the roguiſh deceptions of this vile town. In buying, make it a general rule never to give above half what is aſked." Hob bowed, and re⯑tired. Next morning the poſtman comes with a letter, and aſks ſixpence. Hob, re⯑membering the rule, pours threepence into his hand, and the door in his face. Rat tat a tat goes the knocker, again and again, ſo as to alarm the neighbourhood, and awake my old gentleman, to the pangs of the gout, from his firſt ſlumber. The reaſon of the uproar is aſked. The ſtory is told. "D—n you for a fool," ſays old Teſty, "do not you know that there is no rule without exceptions?"

[4]This work, Mr. Critic, muſt not be judged by rules, but by exceptions: and, to ſhew you how much I deſpiſe your rules, I have a ſtrong inclination to begin my Tale of a Tub at the end, and ſo to walk backwards like a crab to the beginning. But hold: I ſhall not allow your rules to put me out of my way neither; ſo I ſhall begin at the beginning, and commence at the commencement; leſt I fall under the ignorant monk's deſcription of a Hebrew book, Item, a book which begins at the end.

The place, and time, of James Tory's birth are ſtrongly conteſted among the lite⯑rati. Some ſay that he was a relation of Nimrod, and laid the firſt ſtone of the Tower of Babel^*. Others ſay that he was [5]the ſon of one of the Patriarchs^*. Some profound antiquaries, as M. Gebelin, M. Baily, Dr. Parſons, and Colonel Vallancey, do moſt ſtrenuouſly aſſert that James Tory was begot, by the Devil, upon Eve; and that Adam was made a cuckold while he was eating the apple^†. They alſo add, that Satan laid aſide his crown of horns upon this occaſion, that he might not frighten his miſtreſs; and that Adam clapped it upon his own head: and from that memorable hour, horns and cuckoldry have been concatenated. They alſo add, that the word James, in the Shamſcrit and Malabaric languages, ſignifies love, and that Tory means power.

[6]From this have Lord Monboddo, and ſome other clear metaphyſicians, concluded that this is a nut: and that the kernel of allegory is, that Satan being kicked out of the upper boxes for his love of power; and the ſame love of power being, as Chaucer tells, the ruling paſſion, indeed the eſ⯑ſential form, of woman; the two loves of power, thus coaleſcing, begot a quinteſſen⯑tial form of love of power; which form was called James Tory. I hope what I have ſaid is not clear. If it be clear, the reader has only to ſubmit it, by letter, to Lord Monboddo, and he will render it as dark as any metaphyſical queſtion needs to be^*.

James Tory, from a child, was always fond of riding upon a high horſe, and [7]looking down upon his equals. He uſed to ſay that he was a king, nay king of kings; and ſome thought him very wiſe; and ſome thought his brain was not a little deranged. He would often tell the little boys, his companions, that they were but ants and vermin; while he was the very image and lieutenant of God. They, in return, told him that he was an unruly brat, and only ſuperior to them in pride and uncharitableneſs; and that they knew him better than the mother that bore him^*. He told them he had always a ſure argu⯑ment to convince the refractory. They aſked for his argument; and as he was a ſtout boy, and loved to play with thoſe weaker than himſelf, he would kick them all round, and then take their ſugar plumbs [8]from them. Even when grown up, this was his chief argument in debate; and he called it his argumentum ad puerum; for the argumentum ad hominem he did not like, and never uſed.

When he came to man's-eſtate, he was the loyaleſt ſubject the king had. He ſaid that kings were the images of God, eſpecially inſpired by him, and infallible. That men were made for kings, as ſheep are made for men. That the Devil was the firſt whig, and ſtood at the head of the firſt oppoſition. A grave man preſent told him, that he was ſpeaking rank blaſphemy, by comparing the weakneſs and fallibility of man, with the omnipotence and infal⯑libility of his Creator. That kings had generally two legs, and ſeldom three eyes; and that they were not only men, but, [9]in virtue of their education, the weakeſt of men. That till he could prove that kings were endued with all the perfections of the Deity—"That I ſhall prove at once," ſaid James; and knocked the grave man down.

But the grave man was a perſonage of wealth and influence: and the conſequence was that James was baniſhed.

CHAPTER II. How James Tory came to England and became manager of an eſtate.

JAMES was thus forced to ſet ſail, and abandon his native country. After many adventures, not recorded in this authentic hiſtory, James was landed in England.

His proud humour ſtuck cloſe by him, and expoſed him to many diſagreeable acci⯑dents. He was rolled in the kennel, at the point of Portſmouth, for uſing his argu⯑mentum [11]ad pucrum to an Engliſh ſailor^*; and was toſſed into a dung cart for repeat⯑ing it to a carman.

James thought he had got into the in⯑fernal regions^†; and being, like other bluſtering bullies, a coward at heart, was about to be circumſpect, when a certain Lord made James the manager of an eſtate.

Here James was in his element. He again called himſelf the lieutenant of God; and oppreſſed the poor tenants, and ſhared their ſpoils with the rich ones. He be⯑came fond of the rich tenants, becauſe they ſupported and ſhared his extortions.

[12]He was alſo a great uſurer; and aſpiring to get ſoon rich by this practice, as he was one evening ſmoking a pipe with the par⯑ſon of the pariſh, he requeſted the parſon to preach againſt uſury. The honeſt cler⯑gyman told him that it might he looked upon as a ſatire againſt James himſelf; and that he begged to be excuſed. But James inſiſting violently, the parſon pro⯑miſed that he would: and, accordingly, next Sunday he preached ſo well againſt this crying vice, that all the uſurers in the neighbourhood were frightened, and gave up the trade, ſo that James got the whole.

James, though the greateſt knave in the pariſh, always affected great piety. He would pray, and roll up the whites of his eyes, in the high way. "Church and King" was his conſtant toaſt; and when he [13]wanted to oppreſs any poor tenant, in an extraordinary way, he always took a cler⯑gyman with him, and gave him part of the ſpoils; and ſaid all that he did was for the ſervice of God, and the good of the church.

He uſed to obſerve that the barbarians, who eſtabliſhed the feudal ſyſtem of king and ariſtocracy, and forgot that the people were men, were very wiſe. For wiſdom could only be found in kings, and nobles, and clergy; and was denied to all elſe for wiſe purpoſes. For the people were mere pecora campi; and their buſineſs was, like bees, to make honey for the king, peers, and clergy; and then to be ſinged to death for their pains.

CHAPTER III. Digreſſion on Eſtates.

I HAVE always admired what parſon Adams calls "the pedeſtrian expedition", becauſe of the perfect freedom which attends it. In a coach or in a chaiſe, one cannot look every way, ſir; and one cannot ſtop to get out, and examine every thing curious. An equipage is one of the many miſeries of the great; and forms one link of the chain of formality, which conſtrains them, and prevents that free enjoyment of exiſtence, which the great would envy the peaſantry for, if they had ſenſe enough to form an idea of its delights.

[15]In a buggy, madam, or upon a horſe, one is forced to attend more to the horſe than to the landſcape; whereas on foot one is quite at one's eaſe. One may ſtep to a ditch to gather a wild flower, one may aſcend a hill to enjoy a proſpect, one may deſcend into a hollow glen to look up at a caſcade, one may — but hold! What may one not do?

Now this profound work is a ſpecies of pedeſtrian expedition in literature. The author is not mounted in the phaeton of poetry, nor in the chaiſe of diſſertation, nor in the buggy of novel-writing, nor up⯑on the horſe of criticiſm, and far leſs in the ſtate-coach of hiſtory. No, ſir, he is a literary Powell; only he does not walk for a wager. Rather he is upon a pedeſtrian excurſion of pleaſure, and is reſolved to ſee [16]and deſcribe any object which ſtrikes him, though it may be a little out of his way. The only rule he ſhall ſollow in his digreſ⯑ſions and wanderings, is not to forget his road and get into a moraſs.

Eſtates are of many kinds, but chiefly of three. If managed by one perſon, it is an emblem of monarchy; if by a few of the richer tenants, it is an ariſtocracy; if by all in conjunction for common good, it is a democracy.

Each plan has its faults and its excellen⯑cies.

Faults are.

In a monarchy, it is ten to one if the manager does not forget that he is made for the tenants, and not the tenants for him. [17]Hence he becomes a tyrant, and commands about him without law or reaſon. You fellow, you have a fair eſtate of your own, give it to me, or I ſhall put you to death. You, Dick, you have a handſome wife, you unconſcionable dog, lend her to me for a night, or you ſhall be hanged in her gar⯑ters^*. But this is nothing. The tenants tremble before their tyrant, and get ſlaviſh and lazy, and cannot have ſpirits to work; ſo all are unhappy, and the eſtate goes to wreck, and is ſold to the beſt bidder. Per⯑haps the manager is a weak man, and knows it; and in this caſe the tyranny is worſe. He buys him a certain number of cheſts, with good locks, which cannot be picked. Then by degrees he puts impoſitions upon [18]the tenants, till he ſqueezes moſt of their money into the ſaid cheſts. Then he em⯑ploys his caſh in bribing the better ſort of tenants to do as he pleaſes; and they employ theirs in bribing the inferior claſs. And thus the money of the tenants is employed in bribing them; and all is one maſs of cor⯑ruption. O fy!

A general peſtilence is not ſo deſtructive to mankind as general corruption in a ſtate. The one deſtroys the body, the other the ſoul. All honeſty is tainted. Conſcience hangs quite wide and looſe; and is at laſt cut into ſhreds and made into a purſe. This is the worſt kind of tyranny, and the ne plus ultra of bad government. Open deſpo⯑tiſm only degrades the mind; but this [19]blackens, rots^*, and annihilates it. Not to add that, in the former, the tenants can do nothing againſt main force; while, in the latter, they have the additional conſo⯑lation to know that all is owing to their own ſimplicity, and that they are oppreſſed becauſe they are dupes.

The faults of ariſtocratical management are chiefly, that here are many tyrants, in⯑ſtead of one; and the evil increaſes in pro⯑portion. One may eſcape the attention of one tyrant, but a number forms an Argus, with a hundred eyes^†, and nothing eſcapes them. My neighbour may be one of the tyrants, and may take a fancy to my garden. If the ariſtocracy be hereditary, it is ſtill [20]worſe than if elective; for the latter will ſtand upon character, will run after the ſha⯑dow of fame; while the members of the former may be gamblers and horſe-jockeys. What then? They are born better than other men; their very vices and faults are entitled to reſpect; and they are univerſally reſpect⯑ed and imitated. O ho, ſays Beelzebub, this is my own invention. I have a patent for it. Yes, infernal daemon, what plan could con⯑tribute ſo much to people your domains, as to inſtitute a hereditary order of right ho⯑nourable vices, to attract the reſpect and imitation of all mankind?

The faults of a democracy, in managing an eſtate, conſiſt chiefly in its envy of merit: for, as all are equal, the people think that merit and abilities are alſo equally ſhared among them, which will never be the caſe; [21]and if ſuperior merit appear, all join in an oſtraciſm againſt it. This management like⯑wiſe tends much to anarchy, and anarchy to tyranny. Nay a democracy, if not very wiſely adjuſted, is often the worſt of all tyrannies, exerted againſt particular claſſes of its own members. Contrariorum eadem eſt ratio: which means, madam, that if you will bend a ſerpent round, and put its tail in its mouth, the head and tail will become all one. Let us not, however, confound a plethocracy ^* with a democracy, the govern⯑ment of the mob with the government of the people. The mob in modern countries is, in political conſideration, of the ſame account with the ſlaves in Greece and Rome. Not that they ſhould be real ſlaves, but on the contrary as free and happy as their ſta⯑tion and education will permit; but, as the [22]ancient ſlaves, they ſhould hold no ſhare of government, even in a democracy. The reaſon is their want of education, the vio⯑lence of their paſſions, and the weakneſs of their reaſon. They are perpetual children, and not even to be truſted with the manage⯑ment of themſelves, leſt they ſhould do themſelves harm. A democracy ſhould con⯑ſiſt of the middle ranks of people; and its ſuperiority to other forms ariſes from this, that the middle claſs is always the moſt en⯑lightened, and the moſt rational of the com⯑munity; neither giddy with power and wealth, nor debaſed by the frozen hand of penury.

Now for excellencies.

Thoſe of a monarchy are * * * * * * * * * * * hiatus valde deflendus * * * * * *

Thoſe of an ariſtocracy I never could diſcover.

[23]Thoſe of a democracy conſiſt in its being the only form, which preſerves all the dig⯑nity of man; not only ſo, but gives him additional dignity, ennobles the man, and leads to great thoughts and great actions. Genius of Athens, where art thou? But ſtop. Athens contained only about thirty thouſand people; and what has the govern⯑ment of ſo ſmall a ſtate to do with that of millions? Certain it is that Plato, and Ariſtotle, and Cicero, in their theoretic re⯑publics formed no idea, probably could form no idea, of a republic extended beyond the bounds of one city. Yet pedants apply their maxims to modern ſtates; as if my little boy there, God bleſs him! ſhould pretend to manage a war-horſe, becauſe he can ride a hobby-horſe^*. Holland and Venice are [24]not republics but ariſtocracies. Switzerland the ſame. America conſiſts of federative republics; perhaps it may be one republic, but it is not yet tried. Let France try the experiment, which we look on. It is a dangerous experiment. A democracy of twenty-four millions would be a phaenome⯑non in human hiſtory. Let them try. Let us mend our own ways, and wait.

CHAPTER IV. Firſt appearance of Will Whig.

JAMES Tory proceeded in the manage⯑ment of the eſtate, as you have heard. He was a bullying dog, and abuſed every body without oppoſition. If he appeared, off went the hats of the tenants, and down they bowed lower than to the rector^*.

But James was always for more and more reſpect; till at laſt his pride aroſe to ſuch a pitch that he ſaid he was God's vice-gerent; [26]and, as ſuch, muſt never be approached without a degree of adoration; and every knee muſt be bent in his preſence.

Now the bending of the knee depends conſiderably, as natural hiſtorians obſerve, upon the flexibility of the muſcles and ſup⯑pleneſs of the joints; and, as ceremonialiſts remark, upon the cleanneſs of the floor, where the knee is to be bent.

Both theſe circumſtances operated againſt the requiſition of James. The knees of the farmers were very ſtiff, and were bent with much the ſame facility as thoſe of an ele⯑phant. James was dirty as well as proud, and his floors were none of the cleaneſt. So the farmers began to be clamorous, and a meeting was called, when a clever young fellow got up and ſpoke thus:

[27]"We are informed in ſcripture, my friends, that pride was not made for man. It is ſo heterogeneous to his nature and condition, that, if introduced into his frame, it ſaps the very powers of reaſon by ſlow but ſure degrees. It is like cyder, which intoxicates by inflation. It is a windy com⯑plaint; and, if not emitted downwards, flies to the brain and ſwells it with extravagant ſchemes. If many a great conqueror and rattling blade had had able phyſicians, the world would never have been troubled with them. It appears to me, under favour, that a ſtrong carminative has become abſolutely neceſſary to our manager James Tory. As I know a little of medicine, I ſhall prepare a carminative draught, and carry it to him myſelf."

The farmers were all pleaſed with this motion; and gave Will Whig, for this was [28]the young man's name, full power to pre⯑pare, and adminiſter the ſaid carminative potion to James Tory, in their names.

Will ſoon got the draught ready, and being admitted to the preſence of James, addreſſed him in ſuch terms as theſe:

"Mr. James, the tenants upon this eſtate being informed, by evident ſymptoms, that you are much troubled with a windy com⯑plaint called pride, have deſired me to pre⯑ſent this potion to you, which will prove a ſpeedy and effectual cure."

James was ſo convulſed with rage, that at firſt he could neither ſpeak nor move. But when he recovered the uſe of his tongue, and of his hands, he employed the former in calling Will a thouſand ugly names, and [29]the latter in throwing the potion in his face, and breaking the pot on his head.

As Will was prepared for ſuch a recep⯑tion, he contented himſelf with tripping up the heels of James, and left him ſpraw⯑ling upon his dirty floor.

CHAPTER V. Of the family of the Whigs.

WHEN a man makes any figure, one feels a natural deſire to know who he is, and all about him. As in this delightful and inſtructive treatiſe, the author has made it is humble endeavour to pleaſe his reader in all his lawful deſires; he now ſtops to give ſuch information as he can re⯑cover, concerning Will Whig.

As to the parentage of Will, there are many diſputes among the antiquaries and [31]genealogiſts. Some ſay that the family was originally of Greek extraction; others ſay Roman^*. Theſe reports, perhaps, aroſe among ignorant people, from the circumſtance that Will was a great Greek and Latin ſcholar.

Some orientaliſts will have it that the family was Tyrian; others Carthaginian^†; but oriental ſcholars are fond of vague conjecture, and ſeldom ſacrifice to good ſenſe.

After much lucubration and great exa⯑mination of this ſubject, I am inclined to [32]think that the Whig family came to this country from the woods of Germany. Their features and manners agreed ſo per⯑fectly with the deſcription of the ancient Germans, given us by that wag Tacitus, that I have little doubt upon this ſcore; and the conſtant tradition of the family confirms this idea. If the reader will not believe me, let him, to uſe the ſtyle of Dr. Bentley, go and think for himſelf, and be d—d. I remember I once con⯑vinced a great antiquary, that the Whigs were of German extract, after all my other arguments had failed, by telling him that Will Whig always uſed both hands to buckle his ſhoes, as the Germans gene⯑rally do^*. See—'s Travels.

[33]Will Whig's anceſtors were once in great repute, and managed this very farm now oppreſſed by James Tory^*. But they afterwards fell back in the world; and had lived in poverty and neglect for many gene⯑rations.

Will's father was a plain induſtrious huſbandman; and his mother a comely clean old woman, as good a manager as ever trode in ſhoes; but withal as good a ſcold as ever wore out a tongue.

As Will was their only ſon, and a pro⯑miſing youth, they had made a ſhift to give him a good education at ſchool and college. Whence he imbibed a ſpirit ſu⯑perior [34]to that of any young farmer in the neighbourhood; and his father always ſaid that the boy would do honour to the fa⯑mily.

Will was a tall handſome lad, with a ruddy complexion, and yellow hair^*. With his friends he was as gentle as a child; but, upon the ſight of oppreſſion, or cruelty of any kind, he was as bold as the oaken ſtick he conſtantly wore. Many a ſervant of James Tory did he thraſh handſomely, for attempting to take the hens of old wo⯑men, and to uſe freedoms with the young. Nay, when one of them was going to ſteal a blind man's dog, Will almoſt murdered [35]him. In ſhort, he was the univerſal pro⯑tector; and all who were injured came to Will for help or advice^*. At the leaſt ſpe⯑cimen of injuſtice his blood would boil; and at any tale of generoſity tears would leap from his eyes.

CHAPTER VI. Digreſſion on pedigrees.

LADIES are apt to ſmile at the peruſal of genealogies. No wonder. They are in the ſecret.

When a certain monarch was told that, in ſuch a family, there had not occurred one inſtance of female frailty, he anſwered, "The family cannot be ancient."

The pedigree of the Whig family we have not given, becauſe we could not find [37]it in the records. We believe, however, with the heralds, that every man in it was the ſon of his father; and know, to a cer⯑tainty, that every woman was the daughter of her own mother.

The pedigrees, even of the royal families of Europe, extend not beyond 600 years, or poor 20 generations; and yet how many miſtakes are in them, only known to the ladies! Welſh and Iriſh pedigrees extend to the flood, and to Adam. Their wo⯑men were, apparently, very chaſte:—or their genealogiſts very fooliſh.

Charming ſex! from which ariſe all our pleaſures worthy of that name, how can you take ſuch delight in puzzling a poor devil of a genealogiſt?

CHAPTER VII. Digreſſion upon old books, and old wigs.

MANY an old book have I looked into, in order to diſcover the genealogy of the Whigs; and a good old wig did I burn by ſtooping heedleſsly near my lamp, in the intenſeneſs of my lucubration. This chap⯑ter ſhall, therefore, treat of old wigs, and old books, by way of memorial.

An old wig, and an old book, may be compared together, for both ſit eaſy. The wig has already gone through all the [39]twiſtings and trials, neceſſary to make it keep cloſe and comfortable to the head; and the book has paſſed the fiery trials of the critics, and one does not read it to find fault, but to learn.

A library of old books may be conſider⯑ed as inhabited by the ſouls of all the au⯑thors. Do you wiſh to converſe with a ſoul, and to gather its beſt and moſt refined thoughts, take down its book.

A new book, like a fine lady, muſt be approached with great delicacy, that you may not diſcompoſe its prim appearance and rich dreſs. An old book, like an old friend, may be uſed with no ceremony. You may toſs it, like an old wig, where ever you pleaſe.

[40]* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *Hiatus in codice * * * * * * * * *^†.

CHAPTER VIII. How Will Whig oppoſed James Tory.

LET me return to my ſubject. It may eaſily be believed that, after the adventure which has been narrated, James Tory ſin⯑gled out Will Whig for the object of his moſt cordial deteſtation. Nor was Will wanting in return.

James did every thing in his power to mortify Will; and Will wrote ſatires upon James, and ſent them all over the pariſh. James could not puniſh Will, becauſe it [42]was not then diſcovered that truth was a libel.

But the enmity between them was further exaſperated upon the following occaſions.

James, as the reader has been told, was very pious, and a pious knave is the worſt of all; for a common knave pays ſome re⯑ſpect to common rules, but a pious knave has no rule but his internal feelings; and ſets all human laws and ſocial decencies at defi⯑ance. Nor is it a crime to cheat the ungodly.

Now James, in his great piety and chriſ⯑tian charity, formed a book of prayers for children^*; and would inſiſt upon this book [43]being uſed by the diſſenting tenants; though they thanked him, and ſaid they could pray very well. He ſwore a great oath that if they would not kneel to him, they ſhould at leaſt kneel to God. They became angry; and ſaid they would not kneel becauſe it was pagan, and an invention of anti-chriſt; and that they believed that James himſelf was but a baſtard of the whore of Babel. Will Whig laughed at all this, but encou⯑raged them in their obſtinacy; becauſe uſe⯑ful to him in his deſigns againſt James To⯑ry. Wiſe men ſometimes encourage the folly of others, becauſe it ſerves their pur⯑poſes.

This diſpute was terminated by an old woman, who threw a joint ſtool at the head of James Tory^*. James was carried home [44]in bad plight, and never had courage to re⯑vive his ſcheme.

But, as his hot head was fertile in pro⯑jects, he reſolved to build a boat for his amuſement when he went a fiſhing, and to make all the tenants contribute to the ex⯑pence of this boat^*. This turned out ſtill worſe than the praying ſcheme; for, as philoſophers juſtly obſerve, a man's purſe is the moſt ſenſitive part about him; and he will defend it at the riſque of his life. The tenants were all alarmed; and ſaw that if they yielded to this demand it would be⯑come a precedent for future exactions. A meeting was called, and Will Whig took the chair. It was reſolved, with only two diſſentient voices, not to pay a penny.

[45]James being informed of this meeting, came to it with ſome ſoldiers to ſeize upon Will Whig^*, but Will had eſcaped before his arrival.

Matters now came to the laſt extremity between James and Will. Both had fol⯑lowers, and many ſkirmiſhes and ſome ſharp battles happened between them. But Will at the end got the better, and ſhut James up in his houſe, not to appear upon pain of a broken head.

The queſtion now was how to manage the eſtate; and, as in all ferments the ſcum is apt to get uppermoſt, ſo it happened here. [46]Some of the diſſenting tenants were the worſt fanatics, that were ever blown up, like empty bladders, with crazy enthuſiaſm. Theſe having attained great reputation among the reſt, for their ſuperior ſanctity, now made uſe of their religious reputation to perſuade the others that religion and ho⯑neſty were all one; that, as they were the moſt religious, they were alſo the moſt ho⯑neſt; and ſo ought, for common benefit, to be preferred to the management of the eſtate^*.

But no ſooner were they inſtalled, than they ſhewed that their religion was but a cloke for ſelf-intereſt. Bayle's famous pro⯑blem, that atheiſm is leſs hurtful to ſociety than ſuperſtition, was verified at once. [47]Every one was guided by his own inward light; and guided to actions which in others would have been eſteemed diabolical, but as they were the deeds of the godly were all holy. The inward light was ſo variouſly refracted and reflected in their mental priſms and mirrors, that it proved a mere wild⯑fire, and led them into moraſſes; where they would ſtrip themſelves naked and dance in the mud, to the no ſmall merriment of the byeſtanders. And yet the light of rea⯑ſon they never would uſe, calling it a far⯑thing candle, which might be had in every ſhop.

At laſt one of them, who was a very cunning and clever fellow^*, and only a pretender to the inward light, with the aſſiſtance of ſome ſoldiers, ſeized upon theſe [48]fanatics, and ſhut them up in dark cells; after procuring their conſent, in preſence of the tenants, that he ſhould manage the eſtate himſelf.

Will Whig was not a little aſtoniſhed to find a new manager in full poſſeſſion, and with all the tyrannical powers and diſpoſi⯑tions of James Tory. Will reſolved not to allow one of his comrades to be his lord and maſter; and, with the aſſiſtance of the old ſoldiers, he turned him out; and James Tory, taking advantage of the tumult, got his place again.

CHAPTER IX. How James Tory turned Papiſt, and got upon a high Horſe, and rode to the Devil.

ALL this was effected ſo ſpeedily, that Will Whig had not time nor opportunity to cauſe James Tory to ſign a bond, for a more equitable management of the eſtate, before he was put again into his office.

The conſequence was, that James, in⯑ſtead of being grateful for the unexpected reſtitution of his place, was exaſperated at the ill uſage he had met with; anal now looked upon all the tenants as his enemies. [50]His anger at the diſſenting tenants, in par⯑ticular, was extreme, and from mere oppoſi⯑tion to their Calviniſtic tenets, he reſolved to turn Roman Catholic. He found that religion very convenient, becauſe he might commit any crime he pleaſed, and be par⯑doned at once by confeſſing it to his prieſt.

At firſt he was contented to go to maſs privately, and did not much like to be ſeen by any of the tenants. He became more cloſe and inſidious than ever, and was al⯑ways forming plots againſt Will; and Will ſometimes returned the compliment^*. James was now, as has been obſerved, particularly irritated againſt the diſſenting tenants, who [51]worſhipped a certain ſtern and bloody idol called Calvin. He would ſometimes ſet the law at defiance, in his eager revenge againſt them; and would proceed to ſuch lengths as to burn their houſes, nay to cut off an ear or two of the proprietors, if he could catch them at an unguarded hour. But as the ears of all fanatics are particularly large and long, and of very vigorous growth, this was no great oppreſſion.

But he proceeded to ſtill greater extremi⯑ties againſt the poor worſhippers of Calvin. He would inſiſt that every one of them ſhould ſay, "God ſave James Tory;" and when they refuſed, he cauſed them to be put into diverſe torturing engines, till the poor devils were all in blood, and had every joint of their body diſlocated.

[52]Will Whig, whoſe generous heart could not bear to ſee even folly and fanaticiſm cruſhed by oppreſſion, warmly took their part; and going to the preſence of James, who was then dallying with a favourite mi⯑ſtreſs^*, he ſpoke to him thus:

"What buſineſs have you, ſir, with any man's opinion, any more than with the co⯑lour of his coat? If he pays his rent, and does not diſturb his neighbours, is it not enough? Do not you know that opinions vary as much as faces, and muſt I give up a part of my long noſe to mend your ſhort one? Do as you would be done by, in the devil's name, and let every man uſe his wife and his opinion as he pleaſes. How would you like, ſir, to have your opinions ſubject [53]to thoſe of another; and has not any man, of oppoſite opinion, the ſame right to quar⯑rel with you, as you have to quarrel with him? Suppoſe I am a deiſt, and adore but one God, am not I as rational as you who adore three, and yet would kill any poly⯑theiſt if you could catch him? A truce then with your perſecution of theſe poor devils; and learn that to perſecute any ſociety is the way to increaſe and condenſe it. If you wiſh them to change their opinions, let them alone; and neglect and time will ef⯑fect what perſecution can never do. Look at this ſnow-ball, which I have brought as an emblem for your inſtruction. If you will impriſon it in your cellar, it will laſt for ever; but put it in the genial warmth of the ſun, and it will melt and vaniſh away."

[54]'D—n your ſnow-balls,' ſaid James in great rage, 'would you pretend to inſtruct me how to manage? Get along, you tatter⯑demallion! Out of my ſublime preſence this moment!'

Will was going to reply, but ſeeing ſome of James' myrmidons at hand, he thought it prudent to retreat, and wait for a fitter opportunity of taking his revenge.

James now thought himſelf above all contradiction; and to ſhew the tenants how much he deſpiſed all that they could ſay, he bought unto himſelf a high horſe, and rode to maſs publickly^*.

This grieved even thoſe tenants who had hitherto befriended James, and all muttered [55]their diſcontent. They reſolved to carry their complaints to the lord of the eſtate; and he, at their requeſt, conſented that if James would not behave as he ought, he ſhould be deprived.

But James, far from altering his behavi⯑our, was occupied with quite a new and odd idea, proceeding, as ſome ſuppoſe, from mere intoxication.

Not contented with going to maſs him⯑ſelf, he would inſiſt that all the tenants ſhould go to maſs; and ordered them all, upon pain of death, to believe that a cruſt of bread was the leg of a duck^*.

[56]The tenants ſeeing James ſo far gone, clapped him upon his high horſe, and con⯑ducting him out of the bounds of the eſtate, they wiſhed him a good journey.

CHAPTER X. How Will Whig became manager of the Eſtate.

UPON this great event a meeting was called, and it was agreed that Will Whig ſhould be recommended to the lord as the propereſt perſon to manage the eſtate. The lord conſented, and Will was inſtalled ac⯑cordingly.

Will promiſed great things; but the te⯑nants were ſo angry with James, for want⯑ing them to go to maſs, and to believe that a cruſt of bread was the leg of a duck, that this inſult was uppermoſt in their thoughts; [58]and they made it almoſt the only article in their agreement with Will, that he ſhould never inſiſt upon theſe ſubjects. Will could not help laughing at their ſimplicity, when it lay in their power to preſcribe any terms to him; and very cheerfully promiſed not to deſire them to act or believe in ſuch matters, but as they wiſhed.

Will began his management in a tolera⯑ble manner. The good of the tenants was always in his mouth; and yet their good was often ſacrificed to that of Frogland^*, a neighbouring pariſh where Will had ſome [59]relations. Will however, by a formal deed, confirmed all the tenants of the eſtate in their rights, and provided againſt future encroach⯑ments.

As the tenants were ſurrounded with bad neighbours, who would come when an oppor⯑tunity offered and ſteal their effects, Will inſiſted that a body of watchmen ſhould be provided at the common expence; and that he ſhould be their leader and paymaſter. The oldeſt tenants in vain repreſented that this was giving Will too much power; and that watchmen were the worſt of all thieves. The meaſure was carried^*.

The conſequence was that Will became more powerful than James Tory had ever been. A body of watchmen attended him every where, and Will began to forget his equals.

CHAPTER XI. How Will Whig increaſed the rents, and em⯑ployed them in bribery.

ALAS, what heart or head can bear the giddy elevation of power! Power is like an intoxicating liquor, the more that is drank the more is called for, till at laſt the drinker is loſt in abſolute ſtupor! Such is the effect of power, that moſt of the royal races in the world have terminated in imbe⯑cillity; witneſs, among others, the two firſt regal progenies of France; and the Saxon races of England, which began with men of talents, and terminated with ſaints!

[61]Even Will Whig, as honeſt a lad as ever breathed, with a heart as warm as ſummer, and a head as cool as autumn, could not with⯑ſtand the inflating draught of power.

He ſoon begun to dreſs himſelf ſo like James Tory, that it was hardly poſſible to diſtinguiſh them at a diſtance. The tenants were all ſurpriſed at the change; but ſoon learned, at their expence, that a manager will be a manager.

Inſtead of his old familiar intercourſe with the tenants, Will never went out but with a troop of his watchmen about him, as much as to ſay, "Keep your diſtance!" Inſtead of his old hearty laugh, he would hardly deign to ſmile: and he forbad the tenants to have any puppet-ſhows, before he had ſeen [62]them, leſt the puppets ſhould mimic the change of his behaviour^*.s

He took ſuch a liking to a piece of ground he had, in a country called Henland, lying beyond Frogland, that he would often re⯑tire there, and waſte the rents of the eſtate in idle frolics. Nay, he has been heard to declare that he would, at any time, ſacrifice the management of the eſtate to the inte⯑reſts of Henland.

Upon pretence of the neceſſity of a greater number of watchmen, to defend the proper⯑ty of the tenants, he raiſed new contribu⯑tions; and then ſent the watchmen to de⯑fend his own ground in Henland. The tenants began to murmur; but their mur⯑murs were increaſed when Will Whig, up⯑on [63]various pretences, raiſed all the rents of the eſtate.

James Tory dared not to venture upon ſuch a trying meaſure; for he was ſenſible that the tenants hated him, and might mur⯑der him if he gave ſuch great provocation. But Will was ſo much perſuaded of the con⯑fidence, which the tenants repoſed in him, that he thought they would oppoſe no mea⯑ſure of his.

The tenants, however, were very clamor⯑ous upon this occaſion; and Will found it abſolutely neceſſary to uſe effectual means to pacify them.

For this purpoſe he called ſome of the richer tenants to his cabinet; and told them that he did not mean to have the ſole profit [64]of theſe exorbitant rents, but that, if they would ſupport his cauſe, he ſhould give each of them a ſhare of the emoluments. The rich tenants greedily aſſented to the propo⯑ſal: and Will ſaid that he found "Every man had his price."

The tenants who before were an honeſt good ſort of people, ſoon became the wick⯑edeſt ſet in the world. An univerſal cor⯑ruption took place. Their time, which was formerly employed in uſeful labour, and rural recreations, was now ſpent in ale⯑houſes, and gambling.

"No management can be carried on with⯑out influence; and money is the ſureſt in⯑fluence," became an univerſal maxim among the tenants. The wiſer ſhook their heads; and ſaid that a ſecret and myſterious ma⯑nagement, [65]for the intereſt of a few indivi⯑duals, indeed required influence of a parti⯑cular kind. But an open and liberal plan of management, calculated for the benefit of all, required no influence but the good opinion of the greater part of the tenants, which was ſure to attend it.

"Mankind," ſaid they, "have always been uſed as children by their governors. Nothing can be more ſimple than a good government: nothing more complex than a bad. Frankneſs incites confidence; and myſtery annuls it. Secrecy in government is uſeleſs either to friends or enemies. Wax is a ſyſtem of wickedneſs; and therefore ſe⯑crecy ſhould attend its projects. But in peace, no government ſhould have myſteries; and moſt eſpecially not to its own people. A king ſhould come forward and ſay, 'My [66]people, my friends, your good is mine, our intereſts are one. I have no projects but for your happineſs; I ſhall tell you freely what I mean to do; and do you tell me freely what you with.'

Thus did they compare their grounds to a kingdom: and ſurely the government of both ſhould be equally ſimple, and for the common good.

Will however ſtill had his own way. At firſt he uſed to follow the wiſhes of the tenants; but now he had only to propoſe a ſcheme, and it was carried by a majority.

Some of the tenants, however, were left virtuous, becauſe Will could not afford to bribe all. They began frankly to tell Will that he was as great a knave as James Tory, [67]and paid as little attention to the good of the tenants; and that they would call back James if he did not reform.

"Are not you a great rogue," ſaid one of them to Will, "to oppreſs thoſe very peo⯑ple who made you manager? Think on the carminative draught, which you exhi⯑bited to James Tory; and take one your⯑ſelf, for you need it. As for James, he was born a tyrannous fellow, and we never knew him otherwiſe: but for you, one of us, a creature of our own making to follow his example, nay, to oppreſs us more than he did! You ſhall be taught better manners, in faith!"

Will only laughed: and aſked them what other manager they had in embryo?

CHAPTER XII. How James Tory oppoſedd Will Whig.

IN the diſpoſition of this ſublime work, the author has always been obliged to ſacrifice the haut gout of fancy, to the inſipidity of truth. Fiction, that goddeſs of flowers, can ſprinkle them as ſhe pleaſes, and make a parterre of a wilderneſs. But Truth has only her mirror, and can only ſhew objects as they really are.

[69]If therefore the incidents in this work ap⯑pear monotonous, let it be conſidered that truth makes them ſo, and will not permit Madam Fancy to uſe her magical wand.

Not all the mirth of Rabelais can equal that of the tenants, when James Tory un⯑expectedly made his appearance among them, one day at a fair. He was mounted upon an aſs; and from that convenient pulpit, or roſtrum, made a ſpeech to the tenants.

He told them how much he had been miſ⯑repreſented in his abſence, as he learned from the friends he yet had on the eſtate: he aſk⯑ed them what they had gained by exchang⯑ing his adminiſtration for Will Whig's? Had he taken any carminative draught him⯑ſelf? Had he not ſhewn more pride, and exerted more oppreſſion, than their old ma⯑nager? [70]And what title has he to be proud? If I was proud, and perhaps am, have I not a title?"

At this moment an unlucky boy clapping a thiſtle^* under ſuddenly, and landed James in the mud.

A great laugh aroſe. But ſome of the tenants, who were ſtill friendly to James, or thought him a fit tool for their purpoſes againſt Will Whig, helped him up, and cleaned him; and afterwards reſolved to maintain him among them, and give him a cottage to live in.

James was ſoon at all the ſecret meetings, which the diſcontented tenants held, to con⯑cert [71]meaſures againſt the oppreſſion of Will Whig; and as adverſity teaches wiſdom, he became a formidable opponent to the mana⯑ger.

He retaliated all Will's old invectives againſt his management upon that of Will. He ſpoke much of the public good, and of liberty, and property. The farmers were as much tranſported at the change of James Tory's ſentiments, as they would have been at the finding wine in a ſmall-beer barrel, and believed James to be quite a reformed man. James only wanted to regain the management.

Will Whig endeavoured to introduce ex⯑ciſe-men into the pariſh; but James muſ⯑tered his oppoſition ſo effectually, that Will [72]had almoſt been torn in pieces; and he was glad to relinquiſh the ſcheme.

Nothing could be more ludicrous than to ſee James Tory mounted upon his aſs^*, and bawling for liberty, except the infatuation of the farmers, who believed him in carneſt.

CHAPTER XIII. Digreſſon upon Oppoſition.

WHAT is called oppoſition in great matters, is in ſmall called contradiction; a quality with which every maſter of a family muſt be tolerably well acquainted.

The ſpirit of contradiction, in a family, is generally of the feminine gender; and it is well known that it does not proceed ſo much from a deſire of liberty, as from a deſire of power.

[74]This is alſo very often the caſe with op⯑poſition in a political ſenſe.

One would imagine that if every man, in an aſſembly, voted according to his conſci⯑ence, he would hardly, in any two queſtions, find himſelf exactly in the ſame company. Yet it ſo happens, in ſome great aſſemblies, that the ſame body of men will ever propoſe queſtions; and another body, acting as one man, always oppoſe them. It is an obvious point that neither body has any conſcience, or attends to the public good.

This will further appear, when we con⯑ſider that, put the one body of men upon the right ſide of the houſe, and the others oppoſite; in a word make them change places; and the very ſame meaſures will be propoſed [75]by the oppoſing body, and oppoſed by the propoſing.

No point in natural philoſophy has ſo much puzzled the adepts as this.

Some think it proceeds from animal mag⯑netiſm; and imagine that there muſt be a principle of attraction upon one ſide of the houſe, and of repulſion upon the other.

Others ſuppoſe that the whole myſtery proceeds upon the principles of electricity; and that, as the ancients believed, that when it thundered upon the right hand it was a happy omen, but when upon the left unfor⯑tunate, ſo in this caſe the electric fire of elo⯑quence is regarded as fortunate on the right, and unfortunate upon the left; and, as when men ſit facing, the right hand of the one is [76]in oppoſition to the left of the other, each body turns to the right, and ſo the aſſembly conſtantly opinionates, and divides, as the members happen to ſit. Q. E. D.

But others, not contented with this ſolu⯑tion, account for the fact in this way. They ſuppoſe that there is ſuſpended in a net, fixt to the roof of the houſe, a certain number of purſes and patents, to which the members are conſtantly looking up. And as they can⯑not aſcend to reach the ſaid net, except by mutual aſſiſtance, and by forming themſelves into ſuch pyramids of men, as are ſhewn at Sadler's Wells; it is neceſſary that each body ſhould keep together, for the benefit of all its members. Nay, as at Sadler's Wells, if one man of the pyramid were to diſſent from the others in any motion, it would [77]ruin the pyramid; ſuch is nearly the caſe here.

One of theſe pyramids of men is commonly called a miniſtry, and the other an oppoſition. The man at the top of the former is king for the time, and can eaſily reach at the patents and purſes, and hand them down to thoſe who ſupport him. The latter pyramid is ſo ſhort, that the man at the top cannot reach to the net, till he can perſuade ſome of the bottom ſupporters of the other pyramid to lend a hand to his.

A miniſtry is vulgarly defined to be a body of men who impoſe taxes upon the people, that the miniſtry may be enabled to bribe their repreſentatives. This is called the per⯑fection of government; and by ſome the Engliſh Conſtitution.

[78]In this excellent plan of government, it is neceſſary that the people be dupes; elſe they will be apt to laugh at the idea of being bribed with their own money. They will ſay, "We ſhall not pay enormous taxes, to enable you to govern arbitrarily by bribery. No. Relieve us of our taxes, and govern arbitrarily by power. Deliver us from our repreſentatives, and from the taxes we pay to bribe them; and govern us as you pleaſe, as indeed you do at any rate".

As to an oppoſition it has been briefly defined, "a ſet of men who with to be mi⯑niſters."

Liberty, and the public good, are names for certain pills, ſold both by miniſterial and anti-miniſterial quack-doctors; and are [79]thought a ſovereign cure for the jaundice, ſore eyes, and other political evils.

But as the miniſterial quacks generally ſet up their carriages, and live at their eaſe, they commonly leave the ſaid pills, and other little medicines, to be ſold by the quacks of oppoſition, who would otherwiſe be at a loſs how to live, and il faut vivre.

An oppoſition mountebank gets often upon a ſtage, called the huſtings, where he eats fire, and vomits flame, and handles ſerpents, and all for the public good. Over his head is a board, inſcribed LIBERTY AND PRO⯑PERTY. And after a ſpeech in much the following terms, he ſells his medicines and machines:

"Gentlemen, hem, hem, I do not come here for private emolument, whatever evil⯑diſpoſed [80]people may ſay; but for the public good, hem, hem, for liberty, gentlemen, d—n me, hem, hem. The public good, gentlemen, is, as I take it, hem, hem, a ſort of a what-dye-call-it, ha, a wind-mill, gentlemen, that is blown by the breath, the ſtrong wind of eloquence. As this wind ſits, ſo the mill goes, hem, hem, tantivy. This wind-mill of the public good, gentle⯑men, grinds corn for private—what was I going to ſay? for public emolument, for the good of us all, d—n me, hem, hem.

"I come here, gentlemen, for your be⯑nefit, for the ſake of your precious healths. My pocket indeed is empty, hem, but my heart is full of rectitude, and my head of public ſpirit, hem, hem. A very good ſpi⯑rit it is, gentlemen. No French brandy, I can aſſure this honourable audience, but real [81]Engliſh, hem. My pockets—but no more of that, hem, hem.

"Here are my medicines, gentlemen, a rare catalogue! you are welcome to them all gratis, ha, only I muſt have notes pay⯑able in ſeven years.

"This viol, gentlemen, contains the aurum potabile of politics, a great favourite with all parties. If you will give a man a drop of this in a morning, he may pick pockets all day long, and yet never be diſ⯑covered.

"This little box contains a moſt precious ointment, for all who itch after places and penſions. Only rub your thumb with it, and you will find a patent in your pocket.

[82]"Here is an invaluable parcel of cauſtic powder, for weak conſciences. Only rub the conſcience with it every evening, when going to bed, and you will not only never have bad dreams, or tormenting reflections, but your conſcience will get quite ſeared; and you may do with it whatever you pleaſe, if you do not cut it out, and ſell it to a pawn-broker, as many of my friends have done, and yet never ſuffered any inconve⯑nience.

"Look, gentlemen, here is a viol of li⯑quor, worth its weight in diamonds. Only throw a little of it in the faces of the ſpecta⯑tors, and their ſight will be ſo confounded, that they ſhall look upon you as quite a dif⯑ferent perſon from what you really are. Miſs — will appear the moſt modeſt of women; Mr. — the moſt honeſt of man⯑kind. [83]A jeſuit ſhall ſeem a patriot, a mad⯑man a philoſopher, a highway man a metho⯑diſt preacher. This is called the cozening liquor, gentlemen; and is very rarely to be got, for the miniſtry generally buy all they can procure.

"This, gentlemen, is a political barome⯑ter, for the regulation of the ſtocks. If the mercury begins to fall, ſell out; and if it begins to riſe, buy in. You will never be deceived, gentlemen: you may be as ſecure, as if you regularly bribed a clerk of the trea⯑ſury for intelligence.

"This ointment for the eyes will let you ſee all the deſigns of the miniſter, in their juſt light. In vain ſhall he cover them with the wool of ſecrecy, or draw the cur⯑tain of diſſimulation. It is compoſed of [84]euphraſy and rue, gentlemen, as our great poet ſays,

"Here is my grand ſecret, the infallible murmuring trumpet, gentlemen, which may be heard from one extremity of the Britiſh empire to the other; and yet the ſound is little louder than a whiſper. This is the grand machine for ſpreading ſcandal againſt a miniſter, and diſcontent againſt his go⯑vernment. Often at the ſound of it has a miniſter fallen to the ground, as the walls of Jericho did before the trumpets of Iſrael.

"This, gentlemen, is a viol of ink of a very black ſort, and not apt to waſh out, of peculiar uſe in the compoſition of libels.

[85]"Here is a private printing preſs, con⯑ſtructed upon ſuch expeditious principles, that it will throw off a thouſand hand-bills in a minute. It is not ſerved by printers' devils, but by real devils, which have been bound to it by my great friend, whom I have always in my eye, the Magician Gromina⯑grobus.

"Look at this large pair of bellows, gen⯑tlemen, they are formed of the lungs of Stentor, and of a great ſenator conjoined. Their effect upon the wind-mill of public good, I can aſſure this honourable audience from experience, is quite ſtupendous, and amazing. From mere ſtrength of exploſion they will turn it, even againſt the wind of eloquence.

[86]"This, gentlemen, is a box of ſugar⯑plumbs, not for children, no; they are uſed by ſome members, who call them witticiſms, and ſcatter them in the houſe, when they have nothing elſe to do.

"Laſtly, here is a rattle, equal to any horſe-laugh in the world, to confound an op⯑ponent, when we cannot confute him."

The rabble greedily buy up the quack's articles; and give him notes, payable in the courſe of ſeven years, which he receives at the treaſury of the miniſtry, or of the oppo⯑ſition, as the wind-mill turns, with a thou⯑ſand per cent intereſt.

CHAPTER XIV. How Will Whig proved that a high horſe is a low one.

WILL WHIG got prouder and prouder every day. At laſt nothing would ſerve him, but he muſt have a high horſe, as James Tory had in his management^*.

A great war horſe was accordingly got Lord! how he did ſtamp, and foam, and rear, [88]and terrify old maids in dark nights! He over-turned two old women, and ſnorted at a plough-boy^*.

Will however proceeded with ſome pru⯑dence in this momentous affair. He con⯑vened moſt of the tenants at a public houſe; and made them tipſey with rumbo, cyder and ſtingo. When it began to get dark, he ſent for his high horſe, and led the tenants out to ſee it.

My friends," ſays Will, "I know that it is reported, by my enemies, that I have got as high a horſe, as ever James Tory had. But as you are grave and ſober men, I wiſh [89]to convince you of the contrary before I be⯑gin to ride him. Do look at him, gentle⯑men, and you will find that he is ſo far from being a high horſe, that he is as low a horſe as any man of my ſize can ride, without having his feet in the dirt, which would neither be for my honour, nor yours, nor that of the eſtate, which I have the honour to manage."

"It is ſo dark that we can ſee nothing," ſaid one of the tenants.

"Do handle him then, gentlemen," ſaid Will. "Feeling is the truth."

One of the tenants accordingly went up to the horſe's fore-quarters, and another to his hind. But "D—n the horſe!" re⯑ſounded, at once, from both ends. The horſe bit the one, and kicked the other.

[90]The tenants ſeeing this, did not care to run any further riſque; but ſaid they would take Will's word as to the ſize of the horſe: and immediately ſigned a paper, which Will preſented to them, teſtifying to all whom it might concern, that the horſe was not the higheſt horſe in the world, but ſuch a horſe as Will found it abſolutely neceſſary to ride.

Will alſo bought of a quack ſome cozen⯑ing liquor, and threw it in the eyes of the tenants; ſo that all believed that the horſe was rather of the loweſt.

CHAPTER XV. How James Tory ſupplanted Will Whig in the management.

THE tenants were, after all that had paſt, not diſatisfied ſo much with Will Whig's management, as they had been with that of James Tory; for Will, with all his faults, had done more towards the real improve⯑ment of the eſtate in a few years, than James had done in his long management. All the great, and public-ſpirited, ſchemes, which had ever been entered into by the tenants, originated in Will's noddle.

[92]James Tory was, however, uſing all the arts he could, to undermine Will; and art was the chief talent of James: whereas Will was, upon the whole, a frank open fellow, and too wiſe to be cunning, except now and then to guard againſt James, and then with a fox he was a fox and a half.

James found, however, that he made ſome progreſs in the good-will of the tenants, becauſe he got, and kept together a number of them, who oppoſed Will in ſome points prejudicial to their intereſts. But he could not hope to get the management again as long as Will kept all his ſenſes about him; and he was forming ſchemes how to adminiſter to Will a ſtrong opiate, when an accident gave him all the advantage which he could deſire.

[93]Will was riding his high horſe one morn⯑ing^*, when lo! at the turning of a lane, ſtood James Tory's aſs eating thiſtles.

Will's horſe ſtarted, and reared, and threw his maſter with great violence, who fell up⯑on his head, and was taken up ſo much hurt that his life was deſpaired of. He was long dangerouſly ill; and would certainly have died, if he had had a phyſician.

James, in the mean while, availed himſelf of the illneſs of Will; and as no other per⯑ſon offered, the Lord appointed, and the tenants, reluctantly, conſented that James ſhould reſume the management.

CHAPTER XVI. How James bribed, and ſwore, and lied.

JAMES Tory found the greater part of the tenants ſo adverſe to his adminiſtration, that he was forced to improve upon Will Whig's plan of bribery. Hardly was there left a tenant upon the eſtate who did not fall a prey to 'ſaint-ſeducing gold.'

He pretended that he forgave all his old enemies, and that there ſhould be no more [95]parties upon the eſtate; but he always em⯑ployed his old friends, and did not like the adherents of Will Whig. He would, how⯑ever, ſend the latter upon any dangerous bu⯑ſineſs, that if it failed they might bear the blame; whereas, if it ſucceeded, he knew that he ſhould have all the praiſe, with the additional ſame of being candid and impar⯑tial.

He ſwore ſolemnly, and repeatedly, that he was an honeſt man; and encouraged ſwearing ſo much by rule, that no tenant could ſell a pennyworth of ſnuff, without ſwearing that it was right ſnuff, and paid ex⯑ciſe. Swearing proceeded to ſuch a pitch, that at laſt the tenants came one night and burned the pillory; and agreed that every man ſhould ſwear what he pleaſed.

[96]This was the more ſurpriſing, as James was always a pretender to great piety: and, upon the reſumption of his office, he re⯑newed his acquaintance with the parſon of the pariſh, and turned up the whites of his eyes, as before.

Adverſity had indeed taught James a little moderation; but at bottom he was ſtill the ſame man. Will Whig had carried many dangerous meaſures by art and perſuaſion; but James was always for force. "D—n you, do you oppoſe my ſovereign will?" was his common expreſſion to unruly tenants. Even in bribery, inſtead of putting a purſe of gold into a tenant's pocket, he would often throw it at his head, and knock him down with it.

[97]Withal he was a monſtrous lyar. He in⯑deed no longer inſiſted that the tenants ſhould believe a cruſt of bread to be the leg of a duck, but he would tell them that a notorious knave was an honeſt man; that a highway⯑man was the fitteſt perſon to be a Juſtice of Peace, becauſe he had experience of buſineſs; and the like. He would alſo boldly aſſert that the moon was made of green cheeſe, and that Will Whig was an enemy of the eſtate. He ſaid that the greateſt part of man⯑kind were made to be driven to market by the leſs; and that it was a vulgar error to ſuppoſe that rivers roſe from ſprings, and ran to the ſea; while he could demonſtrate that rivers roſe from the ſea, and run up the land, loſing their ſaltneſs by the filtration of their progreſs^*.

[98]He was quite a jeſuit in politics, and had always two faces under a maſk. He ſaid there was a certain oil, without the influence of which, the wheels of no government could roll, and that this oil was money. For⯑getting that no oil is neceſſary, except the wheels be ruſty.

He ſqueezed the rents to the utmoſt pitch, an pretence of the good of the eſtate; though it was well known that he did this for the purpoſe of bribery, and his own profit.

CHAPTER XVII. How James loſt a part of the eſtate.

THERE was a large extent of ground, be⯑longing to the eſtate, which lay upon the further ſide of a large river; and was chiefly inhabited by the worſhippers of Calvin. James hated this worſhip cordially, for he was, at heart, a Roman Catholic, and a great favourer of Catholics. The tenants of this part had, however, in ſome degree, eſcaped the rapacity of James, becauſe being at a di⯑ſtance, his authority over them was not ſo immediate.

[100]James, wiſhing to gain all he could, and forgetting that his maſter's claim to that part of the eſtate was a little dubious, endeavour⯑ed to rack the rents of its tenants. He viſited them in perſon for that purpoſe, but only got a bloody noſe. Upon which he commenced an action of battery againſt the tenants; and they counter-ſuited him by an indictment, for attempting, privately, to ſteal from their perſons.

Will Whig, who had been well for ſome time, and had oppoſed James Tory's new management, as uſual, began to appear with great vehemence upon this occaſion. He had not oppoſed James, when he racked the tenant's rents on this ſide the river, becauſe he was affraid of the argument adverecundiam; and chiefly becauſe he was in hopes of hav⯑ing the management again, in which caſe [101]the racked rents would have been uſeful to him, and his friends. But he ſaw plainly that, in the preſent caſe, James had the wrong ſow by the tail; and that he was running a riſk of loſing part of the eſtate by mere greedineſs.

As Will foreſaw, ſo it came to paſs. The tenants on the further ſide of the river, irri⯑tated by the tyrandic ſpirit of James, de⯑clared that his management did not extend to that part of the eſtate. And, after a trouble⯑ſome law-ſuit, James was non-ſuited: and the tenants beyond the river were declared freeholders.

CHAPTER XVIII. How James and Will formed a coalition.

IT might have been expected that this mor⯑tification would have been of eſſential ſervice to James, by the abatement of his pride. But James was one of thoſe who, if they are pounded in a mortar, as ſaith the holy ſcrip⯑ture, will be ſtill the ſame. He could not part with his high horſe, not he.

[103]Will Whig had ſtill ſo ſtrong a party, that he not a little embarraſſed James in his ma⯑nagement. In fact their ſquabbles had ſuch an effect, that the tenants neglected their in⯑duſtry; and nothing could be done for the benefit of the eſtate.

A cunning fellow, called Solomon Caca⯑taba, obſerving this, and that the wiſer ſort of the tenants were ſick both of James and Will, aſpired to the management himſelf. Repreſenting to the lord the diſatisfaction of the tenants, he procured a mandate appoint⯑ing him manager.

James and Will hearing of this, hung their ears; and James propoſed to Will to have a meeting at a public houſe.

[104]After a hearty drink, and a game at cards, James addreſſed himſelf thus to Will: "It is truly ridiculous, my lad, for you and me to ſtruggle about the management, and thus give an upſtart an opportunity to out wit us both. Suppoſe we form a coalition, and agree to manage jointly; there will be enough for both; at leaſt, our profits will be better than none at all, as We have now."

Will aſſented; and the coalition was formed.

The conſequence was that, by the in⯑fluence of their numerous followers, they ſoon regained the management. But as James was ſtill the old man, and ſome of their mutual meaſures were ſuggeſted, and followed out, by him; and eſpecially as Solomon Cacataba, who was a mountebank [105]of the firſt order, had been very profuſe of cozening liquor, the tenants were diſcon⯑tented.

This encouraged Hector Truboy, a fol⯑lower and diſciple of Solomon Cacataba, but in faith a clever and good lad, to apply to the diſcontented tenants, for a deputation to be ſent to the Lord, recommending him, Hector Truboy, as the propereſt perſon to manage the eſtate; ſeeing that Solomon was rather diſliked, on account of his Jeſuitic principles, and James and Will were ſup⯑poſed to be little better than old rogues. The tenants agreed; and further repreſented that much was to be hoped from the youth of Hector Truboy, as not enured or experi⯑enced in vice.

[106]The lord graciouſly aſſented, and Hector Truboy became manager. But the tenants were much diſappointed; for his adviſers were chiefly the old friends of James Tory, and his meaſures were, of courſe, moſtly tyrannical and capricious. He was, how⯑ever, rather fortunate: and good fortune in a general, or a miniſter, is equivalent to great ability.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * quaedam deſiderantur * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

CHAPTER XIX. A digreſſion on coalitions.

WHEN you mix ſtrong and weak, ſweet and four, you form a coalition, commonly called punch; a pleaſant liquor, but not wholeſome.

When you mix vegetable and animal, and oil and vinegar, you form a coalition, com⯑monly called a ſallad, which is both pleaſant and wholeſome.

[108]In like manner political coalitions may prove either good or bad, for the health of the ſtate.

Coalitions in religion are wiſhed for by all honeſt men, who look upon true religion as incompatiable with a ſpirit of controverſy, and enmity: but, to the great conſolation of the enemies of religion, the ſects are ſtill deſtroying each other; and infidelity tri⯑umphs in the civil war, mindful of the re⯑mark of Tacitus, Dum ſinguli pugnant uni⯑verſi vincuntur. 'Go on my friends,' ſays the laughing infidel; 'fight about high church, and low church, till neither church exiſts: fight about your tithes, till none are paid: fight about your ſurplices, till they are torn from your backs: fight about biſhop, and preſbyter, till both are annihilated. Fight, I ſay; and fight bravely!'

[109]Political coalitions have always been com⯑mon. Not a party, madam, ever exiſted ſince the world began, but was in ſame de⯑gree formed by coalition. Opinions vary like faces: every man has his own: the party has only a ſingle leading opinion, which unites them. In other reſpects they are a coalition.

But ſome coalitions ſhock by their exceſſive violence. Were you to preſent at your table, madam, a plate of ſalmogundy, mixt with ſtrawberries, every gueſt would ſtare.

No one is ſhocked at a coalition be⯑tween a watchman and a houſe-breaker, be⯑tween a pick-pocket and a trading juſtice, between a prime miniſter and a jeſuit, be⯑tween a chief lord of the treaſury and a [110]commiſſary, between — Stop! Sacrifice to Harpocrates^*!

No, madam, theſe are all matters of courſe.

But a coalition between a catholic biſhop and a calviniſtic preſbyter, between a lord chancellor of England and a burgo-maſter of Amſterdam, between the devil and an exorciſt, between the King and John Wilkes, between the Duke of Richmond and Cohorn the engineer, between Charles Fox and the Queen of France, between a cat and a rat, between a man and his wife, would be truly ſurpriſing.

A wonder, madam, laſts only for nine days.

CHAPTER XX. The birth and education of Jack Common-good.

ABOUT this time Jack Common-good began to make a ſtir upon the eſtate.

Jack was the ſon of parents in a moderate ſituation of life, neither poor nor rich: but what they had was independent. He was from his infancy a remarkable ſhy boy; fond of retirement, and of doing, good unſeen. He ſeemed always loſt in thought; and with all Will Whig's frankneſs, and goodneſs of [112]heart, he had more ſolidity and ſedateneſs. Money he put no value upon, except to give away in charity.

Having loſt his father and mother very early in life, he was trained up by a cruel uncle, a relation of Will Whig's. Jack profited as all do in the ſchool of adverſity; and, with all the abilities of Will Whig, had a humility the moſt profound. When Jack began to promiſe great things, James Tory pretended that he was his relation: but this Jack always denied; and indeed he had not a particle of James Tory's cunning, or tyranny.

All Jack's ſtudies centered in the doing of good to his fellow creatures. He was well verſed in claſſical learning; but he ſaid that he would prefer one good action to all the [113]learning in the world. And he proved that he did not ſpeak in vain.

He would often aſſert that mankind were complete maſters of every art, except the only one which they ought to prefer to all; the art of bettering themſelves, and the ſo⯑ciety they live in.

The Italian proverb, that 'opinion is the queen of the world,' pleaſed him much; and he often wiſhed that the reign of this fan⯑taſtic queen were at an end, and Reaſon en⯑throned king in her place.

A conqueror he always termed a butcher; and affected great contempt for war, except in ſelf-defence, or in defence of freedom. With the French moraliſt, he laughed at the madneſs of mankind, who eſteem a ſword, [114]which deſtroys men, a badge of honour and decoration, while the inſtrument which cre⯑ates men is an object of ſhame.

He would ſay that the happineſs of man⯑kind depended ſolely upon the rectitude of their opinions: and while their opinions were falſe, they would ever be miſerable. 'Can that country be wiſe, or happy, where a ſoldier is a title of honour, and a mechanic a term of contempt? Nobility ſhould attend utility. I know no real nobles, except the mechanic and the farmer. But mankind will always honour ſhadows, and neglect the ſubſtance. Thoſe nations who adore the ſun have ſome excuſe: but how numerous are they who worſhip wooden idols, of their own making; and are ſtruck with awe at the finery with which they themſelves have dreſt them!'

[115]In ſuch paradoxes did Jack indulge. They at firſt attracted notice, merely by their no⯑velty; but the more they were examined, the more ſolid they were found. The tenants began to be much pleaſed with Jack; and to ſay that, to this vigour of youth, he added more than the wiſdom of age.

CHAPTER XXI. The Speech of Jack to James and Will.

WHEN Jack Common-good came to man's eſtate, he began to attend the meet⯑ings of the tenant's; where he was diſtin⯑guiſhed by his intrepidity, and the novelty and force of his reaſoning.

At one of theſe meetings, which James Tory and Will Whig regularly attended, they jointly propoſed an important ſcheme, in outward appearance for the good of the [117]eſtate; but which, in reality, would only have terminated in lodging a good ſum o [...] money in their pockets. Jack ſaw through this immediately; and riſing up, addreſſed them in theſe terms:

"Gentlemen, I honour you both equally. You James Tory have done harm to the eſtate; and you Will Whig have done it little good. Even when detached from each other, your adminiſtrations reſembled each other ſo nearly, that all the tenants ſaw that a change of men was not a change of mea⯑ſures. To load the tenants with taxes, and corrupt them with bribery, were the leading objects of both. Do you really ſuppoſe gentlemen, that the tenants will be your dupes for ever? Do you not know that they ſee through your ſchemes? If you muſt de⯑ceive us, do not at leaſt inſult our under⯑ſtandings. [118]What is your private intereſt, what are your parties, to the good of the eſtate? Drop them, in the name of common honeſty: and, if you formed an union for the ſake of ambition and intereſt, as your enemies ſay, do form another for the good of the eſtate, and the tenants. Wipe away, by preſent merit, the memory of paſt offences. Let the knowledge of the contempt, into which you are fallen, act as a ſpur to incite you to redeem yourſelves from it, by actions of real worth and public benefit, ſuch as envy herſelf cannot diſtort from their juſt beauty."

James and Will, who had not been accuſ⯑tomed to ſuch free remonſtrances, gaſped like dying cods, and ſlunk away in confuſion.

CHAPTER XXII. Jack's viſit to Frankland.

JAMES and Will were at firſt quite angry with Jack; and, by means of their adherents, gave him ſo many mortifications, that Jack thought proper to retire to Frankland, a neighbouring eſtate.

Here Jack was ſurpriſed with a very odd ſcene: for Frankland, which had been long oppreſt by bad management, had all of a ſudden become one of the freeſt eſtates in the country.

[120]This was owing entirely to the ſpirit of the tenants, which long oppreſſion had rouſ⯑ed into a flame. They had ſeized upon the management themſelves; and made a new code of rules, to determine all queſtions by, concerning the management. The public good was to be the only law. Tithes were aboliſhed; and the imprudent power and claims of the richer annihilated. They would allow of no nobility, but that of merit; and all men were to be equal as God made them.

Some heads had been broken upon the oc⯑caſion. But what is the death of a few men, to the good of thouſands, and the deſcend⯑ants of three thouſands? Never had ſuch a revolution been accompliſhed with as little bloodſhed. Jack juſtly obſerved that it was ſeldom the public good could be accom⯑pliſhed without broken heads. That a little [121]bloodſhed makes a great noiſe; whereas the death of ſucceſſive millions, from want and miſery occaſioned by tyrannic government, is not attended to. So great is the power of that mad lady Opinion !

Jack was glad to find ſome of his own ſchemes realized; and ſtill happier to reflect that, to ſet his fellow-tenants to rights, there was no occaſion for ſuch extremities. 'Let us,' ſaid he, 'put an effectual ſtop to bribery, reſorm our old laws, agree what tenants are to be invited to the meetings, inſiſt upon the tenants being mentioned firſt in all ſolemn deeds, inſtead of the manager, and ſome other matters, and we ſhall do very⯑well.'

CHAPTER XXIII. How Jack Common-good was made manager of the eſtate.

JAMES and Will, finding that they could not regain the confidence of the tenants, and obſerving that Jack was very popular among them, generouſly agreed to ſerve their wiſhes by inviting him back, and lending him all their influence to procure the management. And Hector Truboy as generouſly reſigned his place in favour of Jack.

[123]Jack could hardly believe his good for⯑tune. But, as ſoon as he was inſtalled, he inſiſted upon Will Whig's dropping all con⯑nection with James Tory, whom Jack could not abide. Will cheerfully exchanged the friendſhip of James, for that of Jack; for Will's connection with James had been what Shakeſpear calls a 'half-faced fellow⯑ſhip.'

When Jack had accompliſhed this pur⯑poſe, he took Will into all his councils; and as they agreed in moſt points, and had much the ſame train of thinking, their friendſhip became moſt firm. Will's experience aſſiſt⯑ed the genius of Jack; and Jack's honeſty checked the ſelf-intereſt of Will.

James was deteſted by both; but permitted not only to remain upon the eſtate, but al⯑ways [124]to ſpeak his mind freely at every meet⯑ing; for Jack ſaid an oppoſition was neceſ⯑ſary for the public good, and if not virtuous in itſelf, at leaſt made the manager circum⯑ſpect, and kept the tenants upon their guard.

CHAPTER XXIV. How Jack reformed the Eſtate.

JACK began his management, by reforming the meetings of the tenants. Hitherto the poſſeſſors of ſome ruinous farm houſes had been permitted to ſit at the meetings, and to vote as the reſt; and as they were very poor, James and Will had eaſily bribed them to ſupport any meaſure they pleaſed. Theſe Jack turned out; and appointed others, the poſſeſſors of new farm houſes, built upon the eſtate, but whoſe owners had [126]not hitherto ſat, becauſe ſome muſty uſages of the eſtate were againſt it.

He moreover made ſuch effectual laws againſt bribery, that it was impoſſible for himſelf, or any future manager, to uſe it. He thus ſecured a meeting, in which the members could have no private intereſt to ſerve, except that of the public good.

He abrogated many fooliſh old laws. Some tenants murmured, and ſaid, that he was changing the conſtitution of the eſtate. 'Poh! conſtitution indeed!' ſaid Jack, 'if your conſtitution has the gout, why not change it? Diſeaſes muſt get into every con⯑ſtitution; and why not cure them when we can?

[127]The money was ſo bad that hardly a good ſhilling, or half-penny, could be had upon the eſtate. Jack effectually provided againſt this.

He alſo candidly inſiſted, at a general meeting, that the tenants ſhould always be named firſt in every writing, relating to the eſtate; whereas other managers, with ſtrange impudence had named themſelves only.

He portioned out all the waſte lands of the eſtate; and ſold them to pay its debts.

His other alterations were ſo many, that we cannot pretend to enumerate them. But ſix others are ſo important, that they muſt be mentioned.

[128]The firſt was * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * multa deſiderantur * * * * * * * *