CHAPTER I.

AS ſome curioſity may be excited in the minds of thoſe who ſhall peruſe the following narrative reſpect⯑ing [2] the place of my nativity, I have thought it neceſſary to give a brief de⯑tail of that as well as ſome other mat⯑ters that reſpect my firſt entrance upon this great theatre, the world. I beg leave to obſerve, that a ſpirit of vanity by no means impels me to become my own biographer, as is frequently the caſe with certain great men, who (to uſe a pertinent expreſſion from the facetious Harry Fielding upon a ſimilar occa⯑ſion) have been ſuſpected to have lived an eccentric life, merely to have the pleaſure of telling it to the world; no, I diſclaim ſuch an idea in toto; my mo⯑tive is a ſincere deſire to oblige my readers of all parties and complexions; which they will readily give credit to, when they underſtand that the authors of my being were not remarkable for [3] valuing themſelves upon the honour of their houſe or the ſplendour of their ſi⯑tuations.

I drew my firſt breath in Ireland, a country long ſince renowned for the hoſpitality and generous ſpirit of its in⯑habitants. The ſpot where I firſt open⯑ed my eyes upon the genial day was at a ſmall cabin, on the borders of the famous bay of Allen, in the Queen's county. My father had ſerved, with great credit to his country and honour to himſelf, in a regiment of horſe at the celebrated battle of Minden, where he received a wound that incapacitated him from continuing in the army any long⯑er. With the heart of a hero, and the reſignation of a philoſopher, he was found to quit a ſervice, to which the habits of his life and a natural love for [4] glory had attached him in a particular manner; the recollection, that he had been an active, though humble, inſtru⯑ment in the abovementioned gallant ac⯑tion, proved a ſource of happineſs that cheered him to his grave.

Fatigued with the calamities of war, he pined to re-viſit his native home, from which he had been ſeparated five years;—a ſmall portion of time perhaps to thoſe whoſe hearts were never ſacri⯑ficed to love and conſtancy; but it was not ſo with my father, for five years to him appeared as five thouſand.

There lived, in the neighbourhood of my grandfather, a rich farmer, who at that time rented two hundred acres from the lord of the manor. By a courſe of frugality and induſtry he had amaſſed ſufficient wealth to command the neceſ⯑ſaries, [5] and even the comforts, of life; but his riches did not conſiſt in his mo⯑ney ſo much as in the poſſeſſion of an only daughter, whom he tenderly loved, and expected to marry with advantage to a farmer's ſon, of the next village, of extenſive property.

The fair Kathleen was the admiration of all the young men in that part of the country; but ſhe treated their offers of marriage with ſcorn and neglect, which was univerſally attributed to her pride, though the real motive was a ſecret paſ⯑ſion ſhe entertained for my father. In the courſe of their rural occupations they frequently met; — a ſympathy of ſoul rendered them pleaſing to each other; — they looked, and frequently gave involuntary ſighs, the meaning of which they could not comprehend;— [6] they ſought every opportunity of view⯑ing each other, but it produced no other effect than riveting their chains the ſtronger. At laſt, nature, tired with the conflict, urged my father to a declara⯑tion of his paſſion; he ſeized the trem⯑bling hand of his dear Kathleen, and, preſſing it to his lips, kiſſed it with an ardour that alarmed the natural modeſty of his miſtreſs;—the blood ruſhed into her cheeks, and, haſtily withdrawing her hand, ſhe reproved his warmth with an air of tenderneſs that tacitly encouraged the freedoms which her language affect⯑ed to depreſs.

By repeated ſolicitations my father won her to declare that ſhe would mar⯑ry only him; but, prudence forbidding their union at that time, they reſolved to defer the completion of their bliſs [7] till a change of circumſtances ſhould happen in their favour. Their inter⯑views now became more frequent than ever, till their mutual paſſion at laſt reached the ears of her father, who, en⯑raged, in the moſt peremptory terms of anger forbade his daughter ever to think more of her lover, whom he re⯑preſented as utterly beneath her conſi⯑deration or regard.

It was not long before my father learned the dreadful iſſue of their af⯑fections. In the firſt moments of his deſpair he determined to put an end to an exiſtence, which was now rendered miſerable for ever: he actually was pre⯑paring for that dreadful meaſure, when a ray of hope diverted him from the horrid purpoſe; his fainting ſpirits once more revived, and he reſolved, if poſ⯑ſible, [8] to ſee his Kathleen once again. Cupid, ever attentive to the intereſts of his votaries, favoured his reſolution; for, by means of a hind in the ſervice of her father, he got a meſſage conveyed to the miſtreſs of his heart, earneſtly in⯑treating a meeting in the evening. She complied with his wiſhes, when my fa⯑ther, with tears in his eyes, took a fi⯑nal adieu; reſolving, that the violence of his love ſhould be no bar to the fu⯑ture happineſs of his adored Kathleen.

After a ſolemn and ſincere inter⯑change of thoſe ſentiments which love inſpires, they parted, with their eyes bathed in tears. My father, to forget his ſorrows, repaired to a public houſe in an adjoining village, where, meeting with a recruiting-ſerjeant, who, ſtruck with the manly beauty of his figure, [9] made him a tender of his ſervices, and courted him to join a regiment, then ſtationed in that county. Urged by deſpair, and willing to die, he accepted his propoſal, joined the corps, and went abroad, where he was ſoon ſignalized for his bravery and good conduct. On the eſtabliſhment of the peace he re⯑turned home, when, upon inquiring after his dear Kathleen, he learned that ſhe had reſiſted every importunity of her father to marry, who, dying ſhortly after, in conſequence of her diſobe⯑dience left her deſtitute of a ſhilling.

My father ſoon diſcovered the place of her retreat, and, flying on the wings of love, he reſcued her from that mi⯑ſery to which ſhe was reſigned, from an apprehenſion that her lover was no more. The joy that followed upon their meet⯑ing [10] can be conceived better than deſcri⯑bed;—to be brief, they were married in a few days, and lived together many years afterwards, exemplary objects of mutual love and fidelity.

Two moons had ſcarce waſted, ſince Hymen ſmiled upon their wiſhes, when my mother exhibited evident ſigns of pregnancy: every care was taken by my father, every conſolation adminiſtered, that could reduce the pains of her ſitua⯑tion; he viewed the progreſs of her ſtate with joy, anxiouſly looking forward to the time that heaven ſhould vouchſafe to give them an offspring, equally dear to both.

My mother had advanced into the eighth month of her pregnancy, when my father, labouring one evening in his potatoe-garden, was alarmed with [11] the cries of a female. He immedi⯑ately ruſhed, as it were by inſtinct, to her relief; but who can paint the an⯑guiſh of his ſoul, when, looking over the hedge, he perceived my mother pro⯑ſtrate on the road! he inſtantly raiſed her up, and, inquiring into the cauſe of her affright, learned that a bull, dri⯑ven by ſome boys, ruſhed by her when ſhe was on the return from market, when her fears had overcome her ſo far that ſhe ſhrieked and fainted away.— Luckily the place of her accident was within a hundred yards of her own ca⯑bin, to which ſhe was conducted by my father with all poſſible tenderneſs, who, placing her in a chair, began to rub her temples, and exerciſe all thoſe little aſ⯑ſiduities which are ſo pleaſing to the human mind in the hour of ſickneſs or [12] diſtreſs. But, notwithſtanding his ut⯑moſt efforts, my mother grew ſtill worſe; when, calling in the aſſiſtance of a female neighbour, ſhe pronounced ſhe was in labour. Upon this declaration ſhe was put to bed, and every aſſiſtance procured that the country could afford. Three quarters of an hour after the ar⯑rival of the midwife I was brought forth, and by her triumphantly diſplayed to my father as one of the fineſt male children that ever ſhe had the happineſs of introducing into this ſcurvy, motley, world of diſquiet and viciſſitudes. My father could not conceal his rapture at my infantine beauty and ſhape, notwith⯑ſtanding the moans and agony of my mother, who lay writhing under the pains with which heaven has thought [13] proper to accompany the deareſt con⯑ſequence of wedded love.

However, what with the tenderneſs of my father, and the adminiſtrations of the midwife, in about a fortnight the roſy hue of health began to re-aſſume her throne on the cheek of my mother; her vivacity returned, my father rejoi⯑ced, and every neceſſary preparation was made to render the approaching chriſtening as ſplendid and happy as the narrow circumſtances of my family would permit.

CHAPTER II.

THE time preſcribed by cuſtom ha⯑ving arrived, when it was thought proper to give me a Chriſtian name, a ſelect number of relations and friends were ſummoned to attend the ceremony. Among the reſt was an uncle of my fa⯑ther, who had ſignalized himſelf, upon many occaſions, in rendering him every ſervice that lay in his power; and, to [15] manifeſt his gratitude in the beſt man⯑ner he was able, my father reſolved that I ſhould be named after him;—I was accordingly chriſtened ANTHONY, (that being the name of the old gentleman,) with all due rites and ſolemn prepara⯑tions. It were needleſs to recount all the little pleaſantries and harmleſs jokes which paſſed in that rural, though friend⯑ly, circle upon the occaſion; good hu⯑mour preſided at the humble board, and gave a charming zeſt to the joyous en⯑tertainment. After each gueſt had drunk a health to young Anthony in whiſkey-punch, the merry group ſepa⯑rated, and ſought their reſpective homes, highly pleaſed with the conviviality of the evening.

When I had arrived at the age of five years it was determined by my fond pa⯑rents [16] that I ſhould be ſent to ſchool, and an opportunity offered at that time which it was thought neceſſary to em⯑brace.—The widow of an exciſe-officer, who had been left with a large family, in indigent circumſtances, was adviſed by her friends to open a ſchool, for the education of children at a certain age, to aſſiſt in the ſupport of her young fa⯑mily. I was accordingly ſent to Mrs. Goodman, with a ſtrong charge from my father that ſhe would inſtruct me in my letters with all poſſible expedition, and an intreaty from my poor mother that ſhe would not whip me, for fear of ſpoiling my diſpoſition.

I attended the ſchool regularly for three years, morning and afternoon, at the expiration of which I had made ſuch a progreſs in my learning, that I was [17] ſpoken of as a prodigy for my years;— I not only did great credit to the en⯑deavours of Mrs. Goodman, but gave infinite ſatisfaction to my poor parents, under the idea that they had not be⯑ſtowed their money for nothing. This part of my education ſtood them in half-a-crown a quarter;—an inconſiderable ſum to the affluent and the vain, but a very important one to my father and mother, the former of whom laboured at huſbandry for the poor pittance of ſixpence per day, and the latter ſpun yarn for a much leſs conſideration.

From this ſchool I was removed to learn Latin and writing at a hedge aca⯑demy, kept for that purpoſe by a Ro⯑miſh prieſt, who had been degraded for mal-practices in his profeſſion by an ec⯑cleſiaſtic ſynod of his own perſuaſion. [18] I had not been ſix months in my new ſituation, when, by the quickneſs of my parts and the cunning of my addreſs, I gained an entire aſcendency over the will of this country pedagogue, which was conſidered as a very flattering cir⯑cumſtance, as Father Doolough was not remarkable for the gentleneſs of his diſ⯑poſition or the charity of his opinion. However, the gratitude of my parents did not ſuffer his partiality to their child to go unrewarded; every little oppor⯑tunity was ſeized to ſend his reverence a preſent of ſome freſh butter, milk, and a piece of pork every Chriſtmas, when they killed a pig. It muſt be owned, to the generality of my readers ſuch acknowledgements will appear tri⯑fling; but the cheerfulneſs with which [19] they were given was more than a com⯑penſation for their deficiency in value.

I made an aſtoniſhing progreſs in my learning for my years, and could con⯑ſtrue the eaſieſt of the Latin authors with tolerable facility, when a dreadful accident happened, which proved, in its conſequences, a fatal wound to my proſperity.—My father, returning home from a neighbouring fair, where he had been to purchaſe a cow, was thrown from his horſe, and died upon the ſpot. When the news was firſt brought to my mother ſhe was deprived of her reaſon, and did not recover the uſe of her un⯑derſtanding until the remains of my much-lamented parent had been depo⯑ſited to ſleep with his fathers:—from that moment ſhe gave herſelf up a prey to grief and lamentation; a rooted me⯑lancholy [20] faſtened on her mind, and, ſe⯑cluding herſelf from comfort and ſociety, her conſtitution was greatly impaired; the little property that their parſimony had gathered together was now dimi⯑niſhing daily, her deareſt concerns were neglected, and even my preſence ceaſed to give her pleaſure. After languiſh⯑ing for a few months, the cold hand of death put a final period to all her miſe⯑ries, and left me an orphan, at twelve years of age, to ſtruggle with a baſe world in the beſt manner I was able.

CHAPTER III.

AFTER the burial of my mother, a couſin of her's, who entertained a ſincere regard for her memory, and being a man not wholly unacquainted with the impulſe of humanity, under⯑took to put me in a ſituation that ſhould [22] be moſt likely ultimately to turn out to my advantage. After deviſing various ſchemes, it was ſettled between him and my ſchoolmaſter that I ſhould remain in the houſe of Father Doolough, and, by ſerving him in the capacity of his boy, endeavour, by waiting upon his perſon, ſweeping the ſchool, and per⯑forming numberleſs other little offices, to repay him for the charges of victuals and education. I entered in this new department with more cheerfulneſs than could be expected from a child of my tender years, who had ſo recently been deprived of parents, whoſe only wiſh was to render him happy. But many days had not paſſed over my head be⯑fore I felt the loſs of their protection and kindneſs. My maſter, being naturally of a moroſe and ſaturnine diſpoſition, [23] ſeemed to ſingle me out as the object of his reſentment, when any accident or untoward circumſtance made him angry. One evening, when he returned home from a neighbouring village, I perceived his countenance, naturally ſtern and forbidding, heightened with an unuſual degree of ſeverity. He call⯑ed for me to take off his boots: I went, trembling with apprehenſion, and had ſcarce laid hold of his foot, when he gave me a kick, which laid me ſenſeleſs on the floor; at the ſame time loading me with the moſt opprobrious epithets, calling me an aukward raſcal, and that I was not worth beſtowing bread and water upon. I made all poſſible haſte to retreat from his fury and abuſe, and, hiding myſelf in the ſchool-room, gave vent to a flood of tears, which in ſome [24] meaſure relieved my heart:—I conſi⯑dered that as the firſt leſſon of all my future ſorrow; I bewailed my condi⯑tion in terms of regret and deſpair; but, knowing of no remedy but pa⯑tience, I reſolved to bear up under my misfortunes in the beſt manner I was able. When I had indulged myſelf in theſe reveries for about half an hour, I was viſited by my maſter's niece, Judy, a good-natured girl, about five years older than myſelf, and who compaſ⯑ſionated me from a ſpirit of ſympathy, as her uncle, notwithſtanding the tie of conſanguinity, very frequently uſed her in a manner to the full as cruel and un⯑juſtifiable.

In this manner did I live for a whole twelvemonth, the humble, helpleſs, vic⯑tim of an unfeeling barbarian, and pro⯑bably [25] ſhould have continued much longer, had not a circumſtance occur⯑red which determined me to change my ſituation at all events.—Unfortunately for me, ſome boys, belonging to our ſchool, had broke into the fruit-garden of a gentleman in the neighbourhood, and not only ſtripped the buſhes of all the gooſeberries and currants they could meet, but committed various other wan⯑ton depredations, ſuch as breaking the fences and deſtroying the flowers. A formal complaint was lodged by the gentleman, whoſe gardener ſwore poſi⯑tively that he ſaw a boy in the garden, and traced him as far as the ſchool. The boys were all ſeverally examined, and, dreading the ſchoolmaſter's ven⯑geance, ſtoutly denied the fact. My maſter, thinking ſome expiation abſo⯑lutely [26] neceſſary to appeaſe the gentle⯑man, and not being able to charge the theft home to any one, very charitably fixed upon me, who, he aſſerted, was the moſt probable perſon in the ſchool for an action of that enormity, from the wick⯑edneſs and bent of my diſpoſition. It was in vain that I fell on my knees, and pro⯑teſted I was innocent; his heart was ſteel⯑ed againſt my prayers, and, the more I inſiſted on the cruelty of puniſhing me for the fault of another, the more he maintained that he ſaw guilt in my face. He ordered two of the ſtouteſt boys to take me on their back, and, uncover⯑ing my poſteriors, flogged me, in ſpite of my lamentations, until the blood ſtarted at every blow. When he had ſatisfied his brutal inclination, I was re⯑leaſed, a ſpectacle of miſery and pity.— [27] My reſentment taught me inwardly, for the firſt time, to mutter curſes on ſo in⯑flexible a tyrant: — I meditated num⯑berleſs ſchemes of revenge; but the tenderneſs of my years, and the fear of the conſequences, always deterred me from putting them in execution.

When I found myſelf pretty well re⯑covered from the hard puniſhment I had undergone, I took a firm and determi⯑ned reſolution to leave the houſe for ever. I kept my purpoſe ſecret until the moment of putting it in execution, when I took the opportunity of the pe⯑dagogue's abſence from home to effect it. I took leave of his niece with tears of regret, and, wiſhing her everlaſting happineſs, ſet forward in the wide world, at thirteen years of age, without a pa⯑rent, friend, or benefactor.

[28]After wandering for an hour through by-paths, and acroſs the moſt unfre⯑quented fields, to avoid meeting my maſter, (the idea of whom was ſhocking to my imagination,) I came to a little, mean-looking, cabin, which, by the well-known ſymbols, to Iriſh travellers, of a pipe and a rag ſtuck in the thatch, I knew to be a houſe of entertainment for weary wretches like myſelf, who, after travelling all day, ſolace them⯑ſelves with clean ſtraw in a corner, for the ſmall conſideration of two-pence per head.

As I approached nearer to this hum⯑ble manſion of hoſpitality, I heard a noiſe, reſembling a confuſion of voices, all engaged in converſation at the ſame time; and, above all, I could eaſily diſtinguiſh the melodious tones of a [29] bag-pipe. With ſome little apprehen⯑ſion I entered the cabin, and ſoon learn⯑ed the cauſe of all this merriment, which was no other than a parcel of country people, who had aſſembled at this ſhebeen houſe, as they term it in Iriſh, to wake the body of the man's wife who lived there.—As this is a cuſ⯑tom not known to the generality of my readers, I will give them an explana⯑tion.

When any perſon dies in Ireland, a⯑mong the lower orders of the people, it is uſual for the neighbours to aſſem⯑ble, for a day or two previous to the interment of the body, at the houſe of the deceaſed, whoſe neareſt relations al⯑ways provide a ſufficient quantity of whiſkey and tobacco for the accommo⯑dation of the gueſts: and theſe meet⯑ings [30] are always moſt numerous when the deceaſed has been particularly well-beloved; for the circumſtance of dy⯑ing, in that country, is not conſidered among the peaſantry as a matter of ſor⯑row, but rejoicing; and this opinion is founded on the beſt idea imaginable, which is, that of the defunct's having been removed, by the will of heaven, from a ſituation laden with anxieties and trouble to a ſtate of everlaſting joy;— and the poor cottager, poſſeſſing ſuch principles, may look down with con⯑tempt on the affluence and vices of the great world.

After a few queſtions from the land⯑lord I was introduced among the feſtive group, who, ſitting on the ground, had formed a circle round the dead body, which was placed in a coffin, in the [31] center of the apartment, elevated upon two ſtools. In a diſtinguiſhed place in the room there ſat a little ſquat man, with a looſe great coat thrown careleſsly over his ſhoulders: he ſeemed about fifty years of age, with a countenance remarkably carbuncled, and ſo red and inflamed, that he looked at firſt ſight like a flaming meteor: he had on a large buſhy wig, without powder, a flapped hat, and boots, notwithſtanding which I could ſee plainly that his legs, when he ſtood upright, formed a pa⯑rentheſis, or, in other words, were ex⯑tremely bandy. By the ſilence that was obſerved, whenever the little man open⯑ed his mouth, I ſoon found out that he was no other than the pariſh-prieſt, who had rode two miles on purpoſe to pay this mark of his reſpect to the memory [32] of the deceaſed, for whom, I under⯑ſtood, from the inſinuations of a part of the company, he had a particular degree of eſteem when living; ſo much ſo, that the foul voice of ſcandal was not wanting to aſſert, that her godly confeſſor, in their hours of private de⯑votion, had a much greater regard for her body than her ſoul; which opinion I the more readily gave credit to, as I perceived that the widower did not pay thoſe tokens of attention and profound reſpect to the prieſt as were reaſonably to be expected, and that he bore the loſs of his wife with as much indiffe⯑rence and philoſophy as if he had been educated in St. James's pariſh.

After the whiſkey had circulated pret⯑ty briſkly, I ſaw the eyes of the eccle⯑ſiaſtic begin to twinkle with ſtrong [33] ſymptoms of intoxication; and the ſtrength of the liquor had ſo far over-powered his underſtanding, that he vo⯑luntarily propoſed giving the company a ſong; which being aſſented to, with the lungs of a Stentor he bellowed forth the Wedding of Baltimore; and, being joined in chorus by the reſt, they made the room echo with a noiſe ſo loud as muſt have waked the deceaſed, if any thing leſs than the laſt trumpet could have rouſed her from the ſtill-ſleep of death.

When the noiſe ſubſided, the prieſt called for his horſe, ſignifying his in⯑tention to depart; and, getting up, ſtag⯑gered to the coffin, which leaning over, he uttered the following incoherent eja⯑culation:—"You know well enough, without my telling you, that you,— [34] you,—you, are my ſhep—ſhepherd, and I am your flock, and that you,— you,—ought to be after doing no⯑thing, d'ye ſee, withou—ou—out my orders."—No, Father Shaughneſſy," cries a fellow half drunk, "there you're out, for we are the flock and you are the ſhepherd."—"No bockliſh, my dear," ſays the prieſt, "it's all one for that, honey;—but you,—you,— are an imper—r—tinent vagabond, ſo you are, to be wanting to be teach⯑ing your betters;—and, now I think of it, you hean't been at confeſſion ſince laſt Aeſter, for which omisſhon you will go to the devil, — Miſter Terry, d'ye hear that?—And I'll tell you a little bit more for your com⯑fort, Miſter Terence Maclachlan, (for that I think is your ugly name,) if you [35] don't pay your dues to the church more punctually, by my own ſoul, and I'm not jaſting, my dare, I'll be after excommunicating your mother's ſon, d'ye ſee."—Theſe laſt words ope⯑rated like a clap of thunder on the ears of poor Terry, who promiſed obedience to the reverend father with the moſt ſer⯑vile ſubmiſſion;—when the prieſt, ad⯑dreſſing the company once more, en⯑joined them to be very circumſpect in their manners, and, above all, not to get drunk;—"Arrah, now be tem⯑perate, my jewels; temperance is a very great vartue," ſays he, "and drunkenneſs is little better than a deadly ſin;—ſo, mind my words, and be good Chriſtians;—if you don't, why, bad luck to you."

[36]After concluding this eloquent and pious harangue, the good man's powers of perſuaſion forſook him, and, falling faſt aſleep over the dead body, he began to ſnore louder than the baſs note of a cathedral organ. The huſband of the deceaſed, ſlapping him on the ſhoulder, informed him that his horſe was at the door, when he reeled out of the room with infinite difficulty, and, beſtriding his garran, rode off towards his own home.

When the prieſt had left the room, whoſe appearance, even drunk, kept them in ſome awe, they gave a looſe to all thoſe indecent ſports, which they could not, with any propriety, act be⯑fore him. It was immediately deter⯑mined to hunt the brogue, a paſtime peculiar to that country. The mode is [37] this:—one of the girls takes off her ſhoe, which is there called a brogue, and the company, ſitting with their knees bent, forms a paſſage to convey the brogue from one perſon to another; for, in the quickneſs of the conveyance conſiſts the merit of the game.

They had not purſued their diverſion for above ten minutes when a very ſe⯑rious affair took place. Darby, who had a vaſt deal of roguery intermixed in the particles of his compoſition, in ſearching for the brogue under the legs of a young woman who ſat next to him, made a terrible miſtake, which laid the foundation of much confuſion and bloodſhed;—in ſhort, totally regardleſs of the ſuggeſtions of delicacy, he laid his hand upon a part of the young lady, which gave her ſuch offence, that, with [38] one blow, ſhe laid him ſprawling on his mother-earth. Her lover, who was one of the party, being made acquaint⯑ed with the nature of the tranſaction, took the part of his enamorata, and aim⯑ed a blow at the head of the aggreſ⯑ſor, which unluckily alighting on the cranium of a drunken tithe-proctor, who was faſt aſleep, he awaked in the utmoſt rage, and, demanding the name of the perſon who had preſented him with that friendly ſalutation, he returned the compliment with ſo much intereſt, that he made his aſſailant ſtag⯑ger under the blow, and fairly knocked him over an old woman, who, having taken too copious a quantity of whiſkey that evening, was evacuating in a cor⯑ner the foul contents of an overcharged ſtomach. The young woman, percei⯑ving [39] the diſaſter of her ſweetheart, flew upon the proctor, with the fury of a lioneſs in defence of her young, and, faſtening her nails in his viſage, made ſuch inciſions as drew forth the blood, which ran in torrents down each ſide of his face.

Now the riot became univerſal.—The old woman, enraged at the treatment ſhe had met with, ſeized the hair of the young man with one hand, and, catch⯑ing up an earthen jug, which lay by her, with the other, made ſuch a pow⯑erful application of it to his head, that, if his ſcull had been formed of pene⯑trable materials, muſt have done his buſineſs completely; however, quickly recovering, he turned round, and gave the old ſybil ſuch a ſtroke on her face, as actually drove the remains of an old canine tooth, the only one left in her [40] head, fairly down her throat. The landlord interfered to put an end to the combat, when, unfortunately, in a ſtruggle for ſuperiority between the old hag and her adverſary, they overſet the ſtools which ſupported the coffin of the deceaſed, which, rolling on the floor, contributed to render the ſcene more dreadful, and ſo affrighted me, that, uſing all the expedition I was able, I made my eſcape from a ſcene that ſtruck me equally with terror and a⯑mazement. In my hurry out of the cabin I quite forgot to pay my reckon⯑ing, and would have inſtantly returned to diſcharge it, if I had not been pre⯑vented by my fears.

CHAPTER IV.

AFTER running for a full hour, until I was quite out of breath, without once turning about or looking behind, I perceived, by the great quan⯑tity of ſmoke that iſſued from a valley at a diſtance, that I was not very far from a town. Emboldened by this diſ⯑covery I mended my pace, and arrived there juſt as night began to ſpread her [42] ſooty wings over the darkening world. Overcome by my exertions I ſat myſelf down at the door of a cabin, and began to ruminate in my mind what ſtep I ſhould purſue.—I looked over my mo⯑ney, and found it amounted to one ſhilling and nine-pence halfpenny; a ſum by no means inconſiderable in my eyes at that time.

As I ſat brooding over my misfor⯑tunes, I was accoſted by an old woman, who, perceiving me fatigued, invited me into her cabin, and offered me ſome butter-milk to aſſuage my thirſt. I thanked her for her kindneſs, and, find⯑ing her a humane, benevolent, poor creature, I told her of my diſtreſs, and unboſomed myſelf to her with all the frankneſs of innocence. She pitied my ſituation, and offered me every ſervice [43] in her power. She requeſted me to reſt in her cabin that night, and that, in the morning, ſhe would inquire in the town, and ſee what ſhe could do for me. I would have gone and purchaſed ſome⯑thing for ſupper, not being willing to be too burdenſome to her; but ſuch was her ſpirit of hoſpitality that ſhe would not permit me.—She informed me that ſhe had buried her huſband for many years, and owed her preſent ſubſiſtence to the goodneſs of her ſon, (whom ſhe expect⯑ed to return home from his daily labour every minute,) and to what little ſhe could pick up by going out to nurſe in the town and neighbourhood.

Here ſhe broke off her diſcourſe to introduce me to her ſon, who now en⯑tered the room, with a ſcythe in his hand, the ſharp part of which was bound [44] round with hay. As ſoon as he under⯑ſtood my ſituation from his mother, he told me I was heartily welcome to my bed and my ſupper; and, immediately taking a piece of dried beef, which hung ſuſpended from the rafters of the cabin, cut a large ſlice, and, giving it to his mother, requeſted her to boil it that evening, with ſome potatoes, which he meant as an extraordinary dainty, pre⯑pared as a compliment to me, and to manifeſt that hearty welcome, which is univerſally paid by the inhabitants of Ireland to every ſtranger that comes within their gates.

During the preparation of our home⯑ly repaſt, my kind hoſt entertained me with an account of the town, which, he informed me, was compoſed principally of French families, or their deſcendents, [45] who were, on the whole, a very good ſort of people; — that, as far as they were able, they gave bread to the poor; but, there being no manufactory of any ſort carried on in the place, the majo⯑rity of the inhabitants were frequently in very great diſtreſs for want of em⯑ployment.

By this time, our ſupper being ready, we ſat round the table, when, being naturally baſhful and reſerved, I, at firſt, are but ſparingly; but the importunities of my kind hoſt and his mother at laſt removed all reſtraint, and, giving way to the keenneſs of my appetite, I made a moſt hearty ſupper; after which we all prepared for reſt, my hoſt inviting me to a ſhare of his bed. I undreſſed, and, getting into bed, could hear my benefactor recommending himſelf to the [46] protection of the Almighty with the moſt fervent zeal and piety.

At that moment I could not avoid reflecting upon the great difference we perceive in the diſpoſitions of the hu⯑man race, and formed a ſtriking con⯑traſt between the behaviour of the young man and his mother, which appeared to me in a light ſo perfectly amiable and praiſe-worthy, and the tyrannic, bru⯑tal, ſpirit which actuated the breaſt and conduct of my late maſter:—young as I was, I ſtrove within myſelf to account for ſuch a ſeeming want of virtue in particular individuals; but, the ſubject being of a nature too deep and abſtruſe for my comprehenſion, I loſt myſelf in conjecture, and ſlept till morning.

As ſoon as the crowing of the cock proclaimed the return of day, my bed-fellow, [47] ſpringing from his humble couch, put on his clothes, and, ſaying a ſhort prayer, wiſhed me a good morning; and, taking his ſcythe, proceeded to a re⯑newal of thoſe labours, in the execution of which his heart is happy, his fellow-creatures aſſiſted, and his Creator plea⯑ſed.

After the departure of my friend I compoſed myſelf to reſt a ſecond time, and was awakened in the morning by my kind benefactreſs, who informed me, with great ſatisfaction in her counte⯑nance, that ſhe believed ſhe had heard of a place that would ſuit me. A phy⯑ſician of the town had parted with his ſervant the day before, and wanted a ſmart boy to ſupply his place.—"To be ſure," added ſhe, "the doctor is reckoned in the town but an odd ſort [48] of a man, and is not over liberal to his domeſtics; but he is looked upon as extremely ſkilful in his profeſſion, and has a vaſt deal of practice all over the country.—Now," ſays ſhe, if you are agreeable, I will ſpeak this morning to my friend, who ſhall take you with him to the doctor."

I was overpowered with joy at the news, and eagerly thanked the poor woman for the intereſt ſhe had taken in my affairs; and, getting out of bed, I dreſſed myſelf with all poſſible haſte, to be ready to attend my new maſter when⯑ever I ſhould be called upon.

CHAPTER V.

AFTER waiting about a quarter of an hour, Mrs. Commins (for that was the name of my kind hoſteſs) re⯑turned, bringing with her a young man, whoſe face, if it is to be conſidered as the index of his mind, proclaimed him to be remarkably ſtupid.—"Here, Mr. [50] Rhubarb," ſays ſhe, at the ſame time preſenting me to the perſon in queſtion, "is the young lad that I was ſpeaking about;—if you will uſe your intereſt with Dr. Calomel, and get him into his ſervice, I ſhall be for ever obli⯑ged to you:—I have conceived a great partiality in his favour, and I have no doubt but the doctor will think him⯑ſelf obliged to us both for the re⯑commendation."

The young man aſked me if I was willing to go to ſervice; and, upon my anſwering in the affirmative with great readineſs, he deſired me to come along with him, and he would do my buſi⯑neſs. Mrs. Commins thanked him, and ſaid, that heaven would reward him doublefold for the kindneſſes he was ſhewing to a poor orphan, helpleſs and [51] unbefriended.—I took my hat, and pre⯑pared to follow my conductor, but not before I had ſeized the hand of my be⯑nefactreſs, and, wanting words to thank her for ſuch an inſtance of friendſhip and generoſity, I bathed it with my tears. She kiſſed me, and bade me be a good boy, under which injunction I departed, and, with ſear and trepi⯑dation, followed Mr. Rhubarb to the houſe of my new maſter.

Upon our knocking at the door, and inquiring for Dr. Calomel, we were de⯑ſired to walk into the parlour. When we entered, I ſaw this groteſque ſon of Eſculapius reclining in an arm-chair, a⯑muſing himſelf with the peruſal of that celebrated key to the ſublime parts of na⯑tural knowledge, called Ariſtotle's Maſ⯑terpiece. As his perſon ſtruck me, in [52] the tout enſemble, as ſtrongly partaking of the ſingular and ridiculous, I ſhall attempt a deſcription.

He appeared ſomewhat turned of fifty, in ſtature about four feet nine inches, with a complection ſo nearly approach⯑ing to the Ethiopian, that I ſhould have concluded his parents were natives of Africa, and ſubjects of Preſter John, if I had not been aſſured, upon credible authority, that they were an honeſt cou⯑ple of French refugees, who had fled into Ireland in conſequence of the edict of Nantz.—His noſe was ſhort, with a round nob at the end, ſomewhat like the top of the handle of a kitchen po⯑ker; and his face was farther embelliſh⯑ed by an enormous wide mouth, which appeared, when he laughed, to be bounded only by his ears. — His eyes [53] were ſmall and black, yet piercing and animated; and, when he roſe to receive us, I perceived that his knees formed two angles, which croſſed each other alternately as he walked.—He had on a large thick woollen night-cap, tied un⯑der the chin; a camblet gown, manu⯑factured in the good days of Queen Eli⯑zabeth; a black waiſtcoat, embrowned with ſnuff, which he took in prodigious quantities; leather breeches, unbutton⯑ed at the knees; coarſe worſted ſtock⯑ings, and a pair of green ſlippers, that ſeemed, by their patches and appear⯑ance, to have been in the doctor's ſer⯑vice, a conſiderable time.—

"Aye, aye, Maſter Rhubarb," ſays the doctor on our entrance, "what, you have brought me another patient, I ſee;—I ſuppoſe, now, his conſtitu⯑tion [54] is ruined by ſome ignorant mem⯑ber of the faculty, and you have brought him to me to patch it up as uſual.—Tell me, boy," ſays he, ad⯑dreſſing himſelf to me, and putting on his ſpectacles, "how long have you been ill?—what's your diſorder?— come, ſhew me your tongue."— Doctor," ſays my friend Rhubarb, as ſoon as the aſtoniſhing loquacity of the phyſician would give him an op⯑portunity to put in a word, "you are deceived; this boy is not ill,—he is come to offer his ſervices to you, to ſupply the place of the lad you have diſcharged."—"Oh! ho!" ſays this retainer of death, evidently diſconcerted at his own want of penetration, "that alters the caſe! no, no, I'll be ſworn, if he is come to ſerve me, that he [55] is well enough, egad;—he will eat his allowance, without much ſolicitation, I'll be bound for him.—There's that raſcal, Peter, I turned off, would eat you his pound of ſolid beef at a ſit⯑ting, with as much eaſe as I can draw a tooth! — damme if a dozen ſuch hungry dogs would not breed a fa⯑mine in the country!—Well, where the devil did you come from?" ſays he, turning to me, "where did you live laſt? who'll give you a character?"— Here my friend Rhubarb proceeded to tell the doctor my ſituation, and con⯑cluded with obſerving, that he believed I was willing to leave the articles of wages entirely to his generoſity. At the mention of the laſt article a ſmile of complacency ſtole acroſs the viſage of the phyſician, who, ſtroking me over [56] the head, aſſured me, that, if I became his ſervant, and behaved myſelf well, I ſhould never want for proper encou⯑ragement. Upon my making a low bow, and thanking him, he bade me wait till he ſhould have occaſion for me.

Now Rhubarb and the doctor, ha⯑ving ſeated themſelves by the fire-ſide, began to diſcourſe upon the effect of the ſeveral medicines that had been ad⯑miniſtered to Calomel's patients in the courſe of the preceding week. By the courſe of their obſervations, I ſoon diſ⯑covered, to my utter aſtoniſhment, that gambouge and brick-duſt, Scotch ſnuff, chalk, and vinegar, made up the prin⯑cipal part of every recipe that the doc⯑tor had iſſued for the laſt twelve months, totally regardleſs of the diſorder, whe⯑ther [57] gout, fever, lax, pox, or con⯑ſumption.

After this conſcientious phyſician and his underſtrapper had diverted them⯑ſelves, at the expence of their patients, for ſome time, an object of miſery was brought in to the doctor for advice; upon which Mr. Rhubarb, wiſhing him a good morning, took his leave, and my maſter proceeded to examine the object alluded to, which was a woman turned of forty, with a pallid, emaci⯑ated, countenance, and her body and legs ſo ſwelled with a dropſy that the members of her frame ſeemed to have loſt all proportion.

When the doctor had ſurveyed her for a few minutes, he very gravely aſk⯑ed the poor ſufferer what ſhe wanted with him: ſhe replied, ſhe hoped, that, [58] under heaven, he would cure her.— "Cure you, woman!" replies Calomel, "why, you're in a confirmed dropſy!" —"And is there no relief?" added ſhe, in a tone fraught with anguiſh and de⯑ſpair.— "Relief! aye, aye, I can relieve you, woman, as to that matter."— If you can," ſays the woe-begone wretch, lifting up her hands as in the act of prayer, "I pray that God may reward you hereafter."—"I have no ſort of objection to a reward here as well as hereafter; — you underſtand me."— Oh! ſir, I do," replies the unhappy being; "but, alas! I am poor, and have not the power;—I was left a widow, with a large family of young children, who will inceſſantly pray for your health and proſperity."—"Aye, aye, my good woman," replies the diſci⯑ple [59] of Galen, "I am much obliged to you for the intention; — but, d'ye hear me? get home as faſt as you can, and I'll contrive to give you ſome eaſe in about a couple of hours." —"In two hours, ſir!"—"Yes, I'll come and tap you, as they do the ſmall-beer barrels, though, I'm a⯑fraid, for one quart of water I ſhall find two of whiſkey; is'nt ſo? — Damme, I ſhould not be ſurpriſed if the whole country was in a dropſy; for three-fourths of their exiſtence are dedicated to drinking and ſleeping." —"Oh! ſir," ſays the emaciated ob⯑ject, wounded to the quick at the cruel inſinuations of my maſter, "I aſſure you I never drink ſpirits of any kind." —"Oh! Lord, no, to be ſure," ſays the doctor, "you drink whiſkey!— [60] I beg your pardon; — no, no; — whiſkey, indeed!" ſays he, "it's wa⯑ter!—yes, yes, you are all damned fond of water;—you ſleep with wa⯑ter, get drunk with water, and wal⯑low about the ſtreets like a ſow in a dunghill! — however, good woman, go about your buſineſs." — Upon which the poor creature took her leave of this phyſical brute with tears in her eyes.

She had ſcarce got out of the doors, when another unhappy claimant made his appearance. This was a young man, who, in thatching an outhouſe in the neighbourhood, by his foot ſlipping, had fallen from the top of the building into the ſtreet, and broke his leg, and was conducted to the houſe of Calo⯑mel to have it ſet. (For the doctor was [61] not only the principal phyſician, but likewiſe ſurgeon and man-midwife to half the county.) After they had pla⯑ced the unfortunate young man in a chair, my maſter began to examine the limb; while he was performing of which the poor fellow looked moſt wiſtfully in the face of the doctor, as if anxious to learn his fate by the turn of his countenance, which Calomel percei⯑ving, he heightened the apprehenſions of his patient by exerciſing the moſt ſignificant grimaces, (in the whole art of which he was an adept,) and, at times, ſhaking his head, as if ſeriouſly alarmed about the conſequences of the fracture; which he continued to exer⯑ciſe, with other geſticulations, until he had worked upon the fears of the poor lad ſo far, that, in the utmoſt vehe⯑mence [62] of deſpair, he aſked the doctor if he muſt loſe his leg? to which queſ⯑tion Calomel replied in doubtful terms. He began to bewail his misfortune, which the doctor treated as a jeſt, tell⯑ing him, at the worſt he could but loſe his leg, which was a circumſtance not ſo unfortunate as was generally imagi⯑ned, when he conſidered the great ſa⯑vings that are made in the articles of ſhoes and ſtockings. With a number of witticiſms of this nature he enter⯑tained the miſerable wretch (who lay writhing with pain) while he ſet his limb; after effecting which he conſign⯑ed him to the care of his friends, pro⯑miſing to call the next day to ſee how he went on.

By this time I had conceived the moſt unconquerable averſion to my new [63] maſter, both for his principles and prac⯑tice;—I looked upon him as a monſter, utterly devoid of humanity, callous to the misfortunes of his fellow-creatures, and a diſhonour to his profeſſion.

After the doctor had diſpatched the young man with the fractured limb, he gave orders that he would ſee no more paupers that morning, as the hour had arrived when it was uſual for him to viſit his out-door patients. While he was adjuſting his wig, which forms no inconſiderable part of a phyſician's con⯑ſequence, his friend Rhubarb paid him a ſecond viſit. I ſoon underſtood that this gentleman was as neceſſary to the doctor's operations as his right arm.— I learned, from a neighbour, that Mr. Rhubarb was an apothecary in the town, whoſe practice had been exceedingly di⯑miniſhed [64] by the irregularities of his conduct, and more particularly by a ſmall miſtake which he made in the re⯑cipe of another phyſician, which was no other than adminiſtering an emetic, of three times the ſtrength preſcribed, to a young lady, the conſequence of which miſtake was no leſs than the inſtanta⯑neous death of the patient. As the phyſician partook of the odium affixed to the blunder of the apothecary, and getting into diſrepute, it proved a mat⯑ter of the moſt ſatisfactory nature to the malignant ſpirit of Calomel, who ſecretly rejoiced at the event, inaſmuch as it was a deep wound to the reputa⯑tion of the phyſician, who had hereto⯑fore been a formidable rival to Calomel upon all occaſions.

[65]After giving me directions to tell any perſon who might call upon him that he ſhould return in the afternoon, this redoubted ſon of Galen, attended by his medical aſſiſtant, ſet out to viſit a patient, who reſided about four miles from the town, and to whom Calomel wiſhed to introduce Rhubarb as the apothecary;—for what reaſon, it is pre⯑ſumed the reader is already ſufficiently acquainted.

CHAPTER VI.

AFTER the departure of the doc⯑tor, and his brother in iniquity, I began to take an accurate ſurvey of the apartment, which he dignified with the name of Study. In a glaſs caſe, in the middle of the room, there was, preſerved in ſpirits of wine, a great va⯑riety [67] of uncommon animals, inſects, and reptiles, and, among the reſt, a human foetus, as it is ſituated in the womb after four months conception.

On the ſhelf, over the fire-place, were the ſculls of an European, an African, and a monkey, by a compariſon of which I perceived that there was a ſtrong reſemblance between the cranium of a man and that of a monkey; but parti⯑cularly ſo in that of the negro, the for⯑mation of which approached ſo near to that of the monkey that there was ſcarce⯑ly any difference, except in the diſpro⯑portion of ſize.

His collection of books conſiſted principally of Cheſelden's Anatomy, a few numbers of the Medical Magazine, Cowper on midwifery, a French edi⯑tion [68] of Boileau's poetry, a Latin dic⯑tionary, and an old bible.

In one corner of the room ſtood a wig-block, unoccupied, and, in the other, a caſe, containing an imperfect ſkeleton, at the firſt ſight of which I thought I ſhould have dropped dead with affright.

On a peg, in the middle of the room, hung a ſcarlet cloak, which, with ſix crazy chairs, a folding-table, and a draught-board, completed the furniture of the room.

When I had ſatisfied my curioſity, I began to peruſe Cheſelden's Anatomy, and was amuſing myſelf with looking at the cuts, when I heard a loud double knock at the door, on opening of which a gentleman on horſeback inquired if Dr. Calomel was at home; to which I [69] anſwered in the negative, but at the ſame time informed him, agreeably to his directions, that I expected him home to dinner; upon which the gentleman deſired me to acquaint my maſter that his name was Rapine, and that he ſhould do himſelf the favour to dine with him on his return from the inn, where he was going to put up his horſe.

The ſtranger had not been gone from the door above half an hour when my maſter arrived, accompanied by his zeal⯑ous adherent, Rhubarb. He inquired if there had been any perſons wanting him ſince he went out; upon which I informed him that Mr. Rapine had been there, and acquainted him with his in⯑tention of dining with him.

At the mention of the name of Ra⯑pine, I perceived the muſcles of Calomel [70] to diſtend with ſmiles of ſecret ſatis⯑faction:— "Od-ſo," ſays he, turning to Rhubarb, "a couſin-german of mine from the north, from whom I have great expectations! — he is a great wit, a manufacturer of bons mots, and a very tolerable hand at the violin;— he has amaſſed a prodigious ſum in the ſervice of his majeſty."—"What, he's been ſome naval or military officer, I ſuppoſe," ſays Rhubarb, who, after a life ſpent in honourable fatigue, has retired, to end his days in peace and ſolitude beneath the ſhade of his own laurels."—"Why, not exactly ſo," replies the doctor, my couſin has never had the honour of expoſing his perſon on the quar⯑ter-deck of a man of war, or in de⯑fending a battery againſt the ap⯑proaches [71] of an enemy; no, my dear Rhubarb, excuſe me, we have no ſuch fools in our family;—Mr. Ra⯑pine has ſerved the king, it is true, but, between ourſelves, where he ſtu⯑died the intereſt of his majeſty in one inſtance, he was wiſe enough to take care of his own in ten;—you under⯑ſtand me," ſays Calomel, putting his finger to his noſe, with a ſignificant leer. —"Oh! perfectly well," ſays the pliant apothecary.—"He was, for the ſpace of ſeven years," continues the doctor, a collector of exciſe at —, in the county of —; but ſome of his indirect practices being diſcovered, in ſpite of all his cunning and addreſs to hide them, he was, in conſequence, removed from his employment, but not quite deſtitute, as my indefati⯑gable [72] relation had taken care to amaſs a fortune in that ſituation, a⯑mounting to very near twenty thou⯑ſand pounds." — Upon which my maſter retired into the kitchen, to give orders for ſomething extraordinary for dinner that day, which he intended ſhould be in a ſtyle of elegance, ſupe⯑rior to his ordinary mode of living, on purpoſe to entertain his wealthy kinſ⯑man, and left poor Rhubarb in amaze⯑ment at the induſtry and enormity of Mr. Rapine's character; from which reverie he was awakened by the arrival of the doctor's gueſt, who entered the room with that ſelf-conſequential mien, which is ever to be met with in thoſe worldly grublings, who have gathered and ſcraped a fortune at the expence of [73] all the good and noble characteriſtics of a man.

He had ſcarce ſeated himſelf, when my maſter, running into the room, and embracing his couſin, profeſſed himſelf much honoured by his viſit, which com⯑pliment Mr. Rapine returned with great formality and reſerve. The doctor ſei⯑zed his hat, whip, and coat, with that kind of obſequious officiouſneſs which would be highly painful to a generous mind; but it was what the doctor well knew would be extremely pleaſing to his viſitor, the bent and turn of whoſe diſpoſition he had long ſtudied with a particular degree of attention.

The three worthies (for the doctor had invited Rhubarb to partake of the entertainment) trifled away the time in diſcourſe until I was diſpatched by the [74] houſekeeper (for the doctor was never married, having a peculiar averſion to the female ſex) to inform them that dinner was on the table; at which joy⯑ful ſummons I obſerved Rhubarb to ſmack his lips and rub his hands with great energy; but a viſible mortifica⯑tion and diſappointment appeared in his viſage, when, haſtening into the di⯑ning-parlour, he perceived the rigid oeconomy of the phyſician's table; how⯑ever, after exhibiting ſome ſmall ſigns of ſurprize, he ſat down to dinner with his companions; which conſiſted of a tureen of meagre broth,—the ſcanty re⯑mains of a ſcrag end of a neck of mut⯑ton,—a potatoe-pudding,—a diſh of col⯑canon, (which is no other than cabbage and kitchen-ſtuff boiled and maſhed to⯑gether;)—and, in compliment to Mr. [75] Rapine, an antiquated gooſe, which had ſeen at leaſt three ſummers, was ſerved up, ſtuffed with ſage, onions, and gar⯑lic.

As the gooſe ſeemed to be the moſt attractive object in the bill of fare, the apothecary, at the inſtigation of Ra⯑pine, ſtuck his fork in the devoted fowl, and was proceeding to diſſection, when an effluvium iſſued from the ſtuffing which diſconcerted the famiſhed Rhubarb ſo much, that he was obliged, in ſpite of the voraciouſneſs of his appetite, to forego the operation; the cauſe of which intolerable ſtench was no other than a prudent manoeuvre of the phyſician, who, knowing Rhubarb to be a capital hand at a knife and fork, and particu⯑larly fond of geeſe, had taken care to mix a little aſſafoetida with the ſtuffing, [76] in ſome meaſure to allay the fury of his ſtomach; and the expedient ſucceeded ſo well, that the aſtoniſhed retailer of drugs had very nigh fainted under the influence of the noxious ſmell; how⯑ever, after the firſt aſſault was over, he reſumed his office, finiſhed the carving of the gooſe, and made ſhift, in ſpite of the aſſafoetida, to demoliſh two legs, a wing, part of the breaſt, a ſide bone, and afterwards ate the rump, made into a devil, to provoke his thirſt ſo far, that, by drinking after dinner, he might revenge the affront at the expence of the doctor's wine.

But there he reckoned without his hoſt; for, as ſoon as the table-cloth was removed, and Calomel had finiſhed his diſſertation upon the virtues of aſſafoe⯑tida, and the good effects of moderation [77] in eating, he entered upon another ſub⯑ject, for the benefit of his gueſts, which was no other than a learned account of the numerous evils, which muſt, of courſe, follow the indulgence of our appetites, eſpecially in whatever had any relation to exceſſive drinking; which, he aſſerted, not only degraded human nature to a level with brutality, but abſolutely undermined and ruined the conſtitution beyond the poſſibility of relief. The doctor intreated them not to diſregard his doctrine; for he ſhrewd⯑ly obſerved, that he had been feed very highly for advice that was not a tenth part ſo ſalutary; but, as they were his particular friends, he ſhould be ſuffi⯑ciently recompenſed in their enjoyment of a good ſtate of health.

[78]When he had finiſhed this well-timed exordium, he called for the remains of a bottle of port, and, at the ſame time, a mug of ale, and a decanter of ſpring-water. He placed the bottle before his relation, the water before himſelf, and the ale before the apothecary. Upon the latter perſon's appearing ſomewhat diſſatisfied at his allowance, the doctor recommended it to his palate in ſuch terms, as his friend Rhubarb did not think it proper or prudent, at that time, to call in queſtion, but took copious draughts of the homely beverage; the excellent flavour of which he extolled to the ſkies, while his heart was tormented at an indignity, which he had neither ſpirit nor capability of reſenting.

Upon Mr. Rapine's inquiring into the trade of the town, and the amuſe⯑ments [79] of its inhabitants, the doctor gave him the following account.—

"P—t—g—n is a town," ſays the phyſician, "that is extremely ſingular, in every point of view. It owes the little importance it enjoys to the ſet⯑tlement of a few vagrant French fa⯑milies, who fled from oppreſſion in their own country, about half a cen⯑tury ago, to take up their abode in a land which they deſpiſed.—Their de⯑ſcendents, who form the principal part of the inhabitants at the preſent day, have carefully preſerved the lit⯑tle pride and narrow prejudices of their forefathers, to which they have annexed that ſpirit of idleneſs and negligence of improvement which are ſo conſpicuous in this country; and, what renders their follies the more [80] lamentable is, that, from ſome un⯑accountable combination of events, the children of one-third of our peo⯑ple of diſtinction are ſent here to im⯑bibe the firſt rudiments of their edu⯑cation, which, doubtleſs, in a great degree eſtabliſhes their manners ever after; and, to give you an inſtance of the qualification of the maſters of theſe infantine ſeminaries, I will re⯑late to you an account of the birth, knowledge, and endowments, of my neighbour, Monſieur de Champignon, who is conſidered as the pink of good-breeding and flower of all ſchool-maſters."

‘De Champignon is a native of Bourdeaux, in the South of France. His father was Merry-Andrew to a charlatan, and his mother ſervant and [81] confidante to a figurante at the opera. My neighbour (whoſe birth, you will admit, is not in the leaſt illuſtrious) derived from his parents thoſe quali⯑ties, the poſſeſſion of which, with a ſmall portion of induſtry, are ſuffi⯑cient to make a fortune;—you will naturally conclude I mean ſervility and impudence, which, as he grew towards manhood, were matured and directed by the inſtructions of his pa⯑rents; and he profited by their ad⯑monitions ſo well, that, after a ſeries of twelve years, laudably ſpent in ſtudying mankind, and making him⯑ſelf, on all occaſions, even the moſt infamous, an inſtrument of pleaſure to his betters, he wormed himſelf into the good graces of a certain ri⯑diculous baronet, who adviſed him [82] to ſet up a ſchool, and teach the French tongue, for his perfect know⯑ledge of which he undertook to be reſponſible, though, between our⯑ſelves, the baronet himſelf cannot ſpeak ten words of the language.— De Champignon followed the advice of his patron, and, under his pro⯑tection, has, in a few years, realiſed fortune ſufficient to ride in his own carriage, and look down with diſdain on thoſe poor beings, who have been weak enough to be guided through life by principles of virtue and mo⯑rality.’

Upon Rapine's teſtifying ſome aſto⯑niſhment at the account, the doctor ap⯑pealed to Rhubarb, who, notwithſtand⯑ing his knowledge of one half of the ſtory to be falſe, nodded his head in to⯑ken [83] of an acknowledgement of the truth.

"As to the amuſements of the town," ſays Calomel, "they are equally under the influence of abſurdity. The bet⯑ter ſort of people aſſemble every even⯑ing, at each other's houſes, to drink tea and ſcandaliſe each other; after which, for want of ideas and informa⯑tion to diſcourſe rationally, to kill time, they have recourſe to cards, when, though the narrowneſs of their circumſtances obliges them to play for trifles, they practiſe as many tricks to obtain the ſtake as were ever known to the moſt experienced gameſters in the purlieus of St. James's."

‘I will tell you of an occurrence that happened at a drum, where I had the misfortune of doing penance [84] yeſterday evening.—A Mrs. Lepoche ſent cards of invitation round to her acquaintance to ſpend the evening at her houſe. Among the reſt ſhe did me the honour of an invitation. I obeyed the ſummons; and, imme⯑diately on my entrance, I was accoſt⯑ed by two of the party, a pair of wrinkled old maids, who had been ſoured by the neglect of mankind into an unuſual ſeverity of diſpoſi⯑tion. They attacked me open-mouth⯑ed with 'Pray, doctor, do you know that creature in the corner?' point⯑ing to a young woman, who ſat bluſhing with confuſion at the mani⯑feſt impoliteneſs of theſe hags.—'I think it extremely wrong of Mrs. Le⯑poche,' cries the firſt, 'to be aſking every creature to her drums that can [85] boaſt the poſſeſſion of a ſilk gown.'— I think ſhe looks no better than ſhe ſhould be,' cries the other. At length the rudeneſs of theſe ſtale virgins at⯑tracted the notice of the lady of the houſe, who, upon inquiring into the cauſe of their behaviour, aſſured them, upon her honour, that the perſon al⯑luded to was a gentlewoman; and, indeed, it was afterwards proved, upon inquiry, that the father of theſe ma⯑levolent virgins had been formerly coachman to the uncle of this ami⯑able ſtranger.’

‘To ſum up all in a few words;—I do moſt heartily hate the town and deſpiſe its inhabitants, who poſſeſs neither candour nor urbanity;—their manners are a ſatire upon polite⯑neſs, [86] and their boaſted borough of P—t—g—n is neither more nor leſs than the grave of merit, the hot⯑bed of preſumption, and an inex⯑hauſtible magazine of folly, imperti⯑nence, and virginity.’

After my maſter had indulged his ſplenetic diſpoſition, by making a va⯑riety of other remarks, of the ſame ma⯑lignant complexion, upon the inhabi⯑tants of the place, among whom he was living apparently in perfect har⯑mony, this triumvirate roſe from the table. Rapine and the phyſician ſaun⯑tered out to view the town, and Rhu⯑barb directed his ſteps towards his own ſhop, to make up a recipe for a tal⯑low-chandler's wife, who had been de⯑livered of three children the evening [87] before, and all likely to live and do well.

CHAPTER VII.

FROM my frequent converſations with my maſter's houſekeeper, (whoſe good opinion I cultivated with the moſt ſolicitous aſſiduity,) I ſoon found out that the eccentricity of the [89] doctor's genius, and the want of huma⯑nity that too frequently attended his ſurgical operations, had procured him no inconſiderable ſhare of enemies; the ill effects of which he very frequently experienced by numberleſs little tricks that were practiſed upon him, to his great mortification and diſquiet.

Before I had been quite a fortnight in Calomel's ſervice, I was a witneſs to one of theſe impoſitions, which had like to have proved, in its con⯑ſequences, of a very ſerious nature.— Among the number of the doctor's moſt formidable enemies was one 'Squire Hawſer, who lived upon the ſide of a mountain, about nine miles from P—n. He had ſerved his country on-board a man of war, and paſſed through the different gradations [90] of the ſervice, from midſhipman to captain, with diſtinguiſhed honour; but, having a fortune of fifteen hundred a year left him by a diſtant relation, at the cloſe of the laſt war, he reſigned his naval command, and retired to ſpend the remainder of his life in the im⯑provement of his eſtate, the protection of the poor, and the enjoyment of his friend.

The captain had not been ſettled a month in his eſtate, when his groom, breaking-in a young colt, at the imme⯑diate deſire of his maſter, was thrown from the back of the reſtive beaſt with ſuch violence, that it was apprehended his ſcull was fractured. Calomel, as a ſurgeon of the higheſt repute for ana⯑tomical ſkill in the county, was ſent for in great haſte. After examining the [91] confuſion, he treated their fears on the poor man's account with great plea⯑ſantry; at the ſame time affirming, that, whatever he might do by hanging, he would venture to aſſure him that he would never loſe his life by a fracture, the comfortable thickneſs of his ſcull putting any ſuch accident at defiance. In ſhort, by his neglect of the miſerable patient, (for the doctor conſidered the life of a poor individual as of no more importance to ſociety than that of a dog,) the man languiſhed in great tor⯑ment for a few days, and then ex⯑pired.

After his death, the captain, for his own ſatisfaction, had his ſcull exami⯑ned, when it was clearly perceived that an abſolute fracture had taken place, but one of that nature, that if any, the [92] moſt ordinary, care had been taken of it, the ſufferer might have ſurvived, and done well. Upon this information, the captain (whoſe heart overflowed with the milk of human kindneſs) ſwore, that, if ever he met with Calomel, he would take the moſt exemplary ven⯑geance on him for his cruelty to his domeſtic, whoſe death the generous Hawſer could not help thinking was, in a great meaſure, unhappily, though innocently, owing to himſelf.

The threats of the captain had long ſince reach the ears of Calomel, which operated upon his fears ſo powerfully (for the doctor, it muſt be obſerved, was the moſt arrant coward upon the face of nature) that he left no ſtone unturned to bring about a reconcilia⯑tion. [93] Among the foremoſt of his ad⯑vocates on this occaſion was a Mr. Wilſon, a relation of the captain, who promiſed the phyſician to uſe his intereſt with Hawſer in his behalf. Theſe cir⯑cumſtances coming to the ears of ſome wags, who reſided in the neighbour⯑hood, and who entertained likewiſe a moſt inveterate averſion to the doctor, they reſolved, in cloſe divan, to exe⯑cute a trick upon him, which they ef⯑fected in the following manner:—they bribed one of the captain's ſervants to lend his livery-coat to one of their party, whom they ſent to Calomel with the following letter, which was to be delivered into his own hands, written from the implacable Hawſer.

The doctor was at home, playing a game at backgammon with his friend Rhubarb, when the fictitious ſervant delivered the above-written letter. When the phyſician firſt ſaw the ſervant's li⯑very, which he well knew, a thouſand fears crouded into his brain in an in⯑ſtant; but, when he opened the letter, and ſaw the contents, which he read aloud with exultation, theſe unpleaſing ideas vaniſhed, and joy and ſatisfaction ſat triumphant in his countenance.—It [96] was ſome minutes before he could com⯑pletely overcome the aſtoniſhment which the receipt of this letter occaſioned; at laſt he recovered himſelf ſo far as to de⯑ſire the ſervant to give his beſt reſpects to the captain, and to inform him that he ſhould do himſelf the honour to wait upon him with all convenient ſpeed.

As ſoon as the ſervant was gone,— "There," ſays the doctor, handing the letter to Rhubarb, what d'ye think of me now? am I to conſider myſelf in⯑debted to my abilities as a phyſician for this condeſcenſion in the captain, or the kindneſſes of my friend Wil⯑ſon?"—"I ſhould rather imagine that you are obliged intirely to your abilities, doctor," ſays the humble paraſite, "which, without flattery, may be placed in the ſame claſs with a [97] Boerhaave, a Celſus, or an Hippo⯑crates, and are, indeed, if properly known, the glory of your country."— You are perfectly in the right, Rhu⯑barb," replies the doctor, your re⯑marks are pertinent and juſt;—dam⯑me if I ever thought before that you had half the diſcernment which I find you poſſeſs." The modeſt apothe⯑cary bowed his head for the compli⯑ment, while my maſter deſired me to get his two horſes, Sorrel and Slyboots, ſaddled immediately, and to bring them round to the hall-door, while he drew on his boots.

Whether it was owing to the conſi⯑deration of the fee, which he already touched in imagination, the thoughts of being reconciled to Hawſer, whoſe reſentment he dreaded little leſs than [98] that of the devil himſelf, or the well⯑timed compliments of Rhubarb upon his phyſical ſkill, I will not pretend to determine; but it is certain, that then, and only then, for the firſt time in his life, a ſpark of liberality illumined his ſordid heart, ſo far, that he abſolutely called for a bottle of port, which he in⯑vited Rhubarb to partake of; and, as ſmall preſſing is neceſſary where the mind is willing, the apothecary com⯑plied; and ſo warmly did they ſacrifice to Bacchus, while the potation laſted, that they finiſhed the bottle in ſome⯑thing more than ten minutes, drinking ſucceſs to the faculty, and a general in⯑diſpoſition to the reſt of mankind. At the death of the laſt glaſs, it was very ap⯑parent that the phyſician's underſtand⯑ing was ſomewhat wounded, when he [99] roſe from his ſeat to ride with all haſte to Mount Binnacle.

But this progreſs was retarded by an unlucky accident, which diſcomfited poor Calomel very much. When I had ſaddled the horſes, and, agreeably to my maſter's directions, brought them round to the hall-door, he called me in to help him on with his boots; and, while I was performing that part of my duty, ſome miſchievous boys had contrived to tie the prickly part of a gooſeberry-buſh under the tail of the doctor's horſe, which, in his great hurry to depart, he did not perceive when he got on horſe⯑back; but, the inſtant he beſtrided his old favourite, Sorrel, the beaſt began to kick and rear up in a manner that threw the phyſician into the utmoſt terrors. However, inſpired by the fumes of his [100] own port, he ventured to clap his ſpurs in the ſides of Sorrel, who, being unu⯑ſed to ſuch an unwelcome ſalutation, and irritated by the buſh at his poſte⯑riors, ſprang forward, and began to plunge with his rider with great fury, and preſently unburdened Calomel of his hat and wig; upon which the doc⯑tor (who was a timid horſeman) clung faſt hold of the mane; but, notwith⯑ſtanding all the phyſician's prudence, and in ſpite of his cries to the people to ſtop the horſe, Sorrel ſet off in a full gallop, and never ceaſed till he came to the confines of a wet bog, into which, with the utmoſt diſdain, he threw the unfortunate ſon of Galen, who now ſtuck in the filth up to the arm-pits, roaring out for help with the lungs of a Sten⯑tor.

[101]As ſoon as I ſaw Sorrel gallop off with my maſter, I followed as faſt as poſſible, attended by numbers of the town's people, who, ſo far from pity⯑ing his miſchance, ſeemed to be grati⯑fied at the doctor's naſty ſituation. After many intreaties on my part, and un⯑numbered prayers on his, we prevailed on an old woman and a travelling-tin⯑ker to aſſiſt me in reſcuing the creſt-fallen Calomel from the imminent pe⯑rils with which he was ſurrounded. Im⯑mediately upon his releaſe he kneeled, and returned his Creator thanks for his timely delivery. (For I forgot to re⯑mark that the doctor was apparently very religious, though he did not poſ⯑ſeſs a ſingle grain of charity.)

By this time we were joined by his friend Rhubarb, who, after wiping his [102] clothes, helped me to place the doctor on my horſe, which was quiet enough: (being a miſerable beaſt, which he had received as part of payment from a poor widow, with ſeven young children, for his attendance on her huſband, who had late⯑ly died in a high fever.) In this man⯑ner we re-conducted him to town, when, after rubbing his temples with vinegar, and giving him a large glaſs of brandy, we recruited his ſpirits ſo far, that he ſent me to the inn for a poſt-chaiſe, while he put on ſome clean clothes and linen, determined that neither the ex⯑pence of the chaiſe, nor the conſe⯑quences of the accident, ſhould be the means of loſing ſo profitable a patient as Captain Hawſer, which he might do, if he did not pay that attention to his [103] letter which a man of his ſpirit and conſequence naturally expected.

Being ſtrictly enjoined to make haſte, I preſently returned with the chaiſe, into which the doctor ſtepped, (having already cleaned himſelf,) amid the gibes and ſneers of a concourſe of the neigh⯑bours, who ſurrounded the carriage.— After giving the poſt-chaiſe boy direc⯑tions to drive to Mount Binnacle with all imaginable expedition, I got on my Bucephalus, and followed my maſter.

It may be neceſſary here to inform the reader of the ſituation of affairs at Mount Binnacle at the time of our ar⯑rival.—Captain Hawſer, who had ac⯑tually been confined with the gout for a conſiderable time, (a circumſtanee that Calomel well knew,) was, about an hour before we paid him our viſit, ſei⯑zed [104] with one of thoſe paroxyſms that are attendant on the diſorder, which, for the time, by the acute pain they create, almoſt deprive the patient of his ſenſes, and which, working on the active diſpoſition of Hawſer, rendered him peeviſh, and inflamed him to the higheſt pitch of irritability. Added to this, he had juſt received an account of the loſs of the ſhip he had formerly commanded, with all her crew, (among whom were ſome of his deareſt friends,) in the Gulf of Florida, in a hard gale of wind. Theſe circumſtances, combi⯑ning, made the celebrated deſcent of Orpheus into hell journeying through a path of roſes, in compariſon to that which the devoted, deteſted, but ſelf-ſufficient, Calomel was about to under⯑take.

[105]As ſoon as we reached the iron gates, at the entrance of the park, I rang the bell; when the porter (who had recei⯑ved his inſtructions, accompanied with a bribe) opened the gates for the doc⯑tor with marks of great reſpect, which Calomel thought proceeded intirely from the directions of his maſter; and, giving him ſixpence, he inquired after the health of the captain, when the ſervant inform⯑ed him that he was in the greateſt ago⯑nies with the gout; which correſpond⯑ing with the account he had received, he ſaid, ‘Aye, aye, my friend, but I'll ſoon put him upon his legs, I war⯑rant you.’—Then, ordering the poſt-chaiſe boy to drive up to the door, he commanded me to knock, which, to do my maſter honour, I did ſo loud and ſo [106] long, that, I verily believe, it might have been heard at five miles diſtance.

The captain, thinking, by the loud⯑neſs of the knock, that it was a viſit from a neighbouring peer, whom he ex⯑pected, hurried off the ſopha, on which he was lying, enjoying a little momentary eaſe from his ſufferings, and, getting upon his crutches, hobbled towards the door to receive him. But, what artiſt can paint the look of Hawſer, when, inſtead of the expected nobleman, the deteſted Calomel preſented himſelf be⯑fore him! — it was a combination of rage, horror, and aſtoniſhment; — his eyes darted with indignant fire, and his lips trembled with aggravation; which the poor doctor perceiving, and unfor⯑tunately attributing both that and his ſilence to the great anguiſh he was un⯑dergoing, [107] he walked up with the ut⯑moſt confidence to the captain, and was attempting to feel his pulſe; when Haw⯑ſer, recovering the uſe of his faculties, and collecting all the might he was maſter of, with one ſtroke of his crutch (for he was a large, athletic, man) ſtruck the exulting Calomel ſuch a tremendous blow on the ſcull as felled him inſtant⯑ly to the ground, where he lay gaſping and kicking for life, like a wounded ſalmon in a fiſhing-boat, till a repeti⯑tion of the blow put a period to his ca⯑pering.

He now lay extended at his length, and ſpeechleſs as Harry the Eighth in his tomb at Weſtminſter, when this ira⯑ſcible commander ordered his ſervants to take the body to the horſe-pond, which they gladly obeyed; and, taking [108] hold each of an arm and a leg, they conveyed the fallen victim to a large pool, in a yard adjoining the houſe, which ſerved as a reſervoir for all the filth and ordure of the family, (the cap⯑tain following on his crutches, to ſee his orders ſtrictly obeyed,) into which, without either caution or mercy, like Falſtaff's fat paunch, hiſſing hot, they plunged the pummelled carcaſe of this redoubted prime miniſter of death, who did not recover the uſe of his ſpeech until the third time of riſing in the wa⯑ter, when he had juſt ſtrength enough left to crawl to the ſide, and ſhake off a part of the mud and dung, with which he was very near being ſuffocated.

As ſoon as he could ſpeak, and un⯑derſtood his ſituation, in ſpite of his terrors, he threatened to proſecute Haw⯑ſer [109] for damages; when the captain, damning him for his impudence, order⯑ed the large maſtiff in the yard to be unchained, which Calomel perceiving, he took to his heels, and ran for his life with the ſwiftneſs of a greyhound, and had got within a few yards of the iron gate, at the entrance of the park, when the dog ſeized the poor phyſician by the breech, and did not quit his hold till he had torn his clothes all to frag⯑ments, and had not left a piece of his breeches or a remnant of his ſhirt hang⯑ing together, when the ſervants, pro⯑bably apprehenſive of his loſing his life, took the maſtiff off, and left the miſe⯑rable Calomel on the ground, gaſping for life, and intirely deſtitute of a rag to cover him. In that ſtate he crept into the chaiſe, with a countenance [110] ſtrongly denoting miſery and woe, and, ordering me to follow him, drove to his own houſe.

CHAPTER VIII.

WE arrived home, after the de⯑plorable expedition to Mount Binnacle, about eight o'clock in the evening; my maſter having charged the poſtillion not to enter the town until it was quite dark, leſt his diſgrace ſhould be diſcovered, which he knew would be treated only as a jeſt by the neighbour⯑hood, [112] unaccompanied with either pity or aſſiſtance.

As ſoon as he had got ſafe into his own houſe, he threw himſelf into a chair, and, after ſighing moſt piteouſly for a few minutes, began to talk very loud in the French language, which, from the ſmall knowledge of it that I had gleaned, I ſoon underſtood to be a vol⯑ley of curſes, which he uttered with all the geſtures of a man in the laſt ſtage of horror and deſpair.

When his rage had a little ſubſided, by the entreaties of his houſekeeper he ſuffered himſelf to be conveyed to bed, where he had not been above an hour before I carried him a baſon of hot wa⯑ter-gruel, and found him aſleep, but, at the ſame time, furiouſly agitated, talking as in a dream, and frequently repeating [113] the words death, damages, and damna⯑tion. At laſt I ventured to awake him, and, ſitting upright in the bed, he ſei⯑zed the gruel, and, being inſenſible, at⯑tempted to drink it off at a draught, like ſo much water, when the hot be⯑verage ſcalded his throat in ſo ſhocking a manner that he roared out like a goad⯑ed bull, and, laying hold of my ear, (which he ſqueezed without mercy,) en⯑deavoured to throw the remainder of the gruel in my face; but, perceiving his intention, and bobbing down my head, he threw it directly in the face of the houſekeeper, who had juſt entered the apartment to inquire after his health; which ſalutation made her ſhriek and roar, not leſs loud, though infinitely more diſcordant, than the doctor. After running about the chamber, menacing [114] vengeance againſt the author of her pain, and dancing as frantic as a drunk⯑en Welchman on the firſt of March, ſhe flew to the bed, and, tearing down the clothes, (under which the doctor had retreated from her fury,) began to belabour the head, ſhoulders, and flank, of poor Calomel with a pair of tremen⯑dous fiſts, which, for ſize and ſinewy ſtrength, were equal to thoſe of any bruiſer in the Britiſh dominions. After ſhe had amuſed herſelf, at the expence of the doctor's bones, for a few minutes, he, being unable to bear the effect of her vengeance any longer, ſuddenly turned round, and, faſtening his teeth in the left arm of this domeſtic Tha⯑leſtris, obliged her to deſiſt from the farther proſecution of her reſentment. A parley now took place, and, mutual [115] apologies having paſſed between them, they put the beſt complexion they were able upon their ſeveral diſaſters; and the houſekeeper, repairing to the kitchen to dreſs her wounds, left her maſter groaning under the ſevere preſſure of a train of evils, which had purſued him without intermiſſion in the courſe of that memorable day, while I ſlunk to my homely bed, compoſed of an old mat⯑treſs ſtuffed with ſtraw, to ſeek repoſe in the arms of Morpheus.

The next morning, at the uſual hour, the ill-fated doctor made his appear⯑ance; but ſo rueful and dejected, and ſo black and blue with the bruiſes that he had received, that it was ſcarcely poſ⯑ſible to know him. After giving orders to be denied to every perſon that ſhould call upon him, excepting his aſſociate, [116] Rhubarb, he began to practiſe every expedient that could heal his wounds, and render him fit once more to mingle with ſociety; and, after being a cloſe priſoner in his own houſe for a week, he began to venture abroad, having al⯑moſt wholly recovered by that time his uſual pertneſs and vivacity.

When he firſt ſallied forth among his acquaintance, he was ſoon convinced that the calamities which befel him at Mount Binnacle were no ſecret. One aſked him, with ſeeming earneſtneſs, after the captain's health; another con⯑gratulated him upon his reconciliation with ſo opulent and reſpectable a fami⯑ly; while a third inquired, with prodi⯑gious eagerneſs, after the ſtate of his own health, which, he aſſured him, he heard with great ſorrow had confined him to [117] his bed-chamber; ‘I heard it was a violent fit of the rheumatiſm,’ cried a fourth; a fifth aſſerted it was an ague; and a ſixth heard it was a fever. At laſt, after a ſullen ſilence on the part of Calomel during their impertinent in⯑quiries, he ſtopped their mouths by in⯑forming them that they were all right; for he really had been ſuffering for ſome days from a complication of diſorders, which, from the various ſymptoms he had experienced, bore ſome ſort of affi⯑nity to the different complaints allu⯑ded to.

As it is frequently ſaid, that we may even extract good out of evil, I was tempted to hope that the doctor's mis⯑fortunes would make him reflect upon his own want of humanity: indeed, not⯑withſtanding the baſeneſs of his diſpo⯑ſition, [118] I ſaw him reduced to ſuch a ſtate of abject humiliation that I could not avoid pitying him; and, as I per⯑ceived that he talked leſs and thought more than uſual, I had no doubt of his amendment.

CHAPTER IX.

AS ſoon as my maſter was convin⯑ced that the ſad iſſue of his jour⯑ney to Captain Hawſer was known all over the country, he determined to apply for juſtice, and endeavour, by procuring large damages againſt him, [120] to ſatisfy himſelf for the indignities he had ſuffered and the dangers he had undergone: but the character of Calo⯑mel was ſo univerſally deſpiſed, and that of his aggreſſor ſo generally reſpected, that he could not, with all his art and induſtry, procure a bill to be returned by the grand jury; ſo the doctor was reduced to the diſagreeable neceſſity of chewing the cud of reſentment in ſi⯑lence.

But, notwithſtanding his late diſ⯑graces, his practice, in the joint capa⯑cities of phyſician and ſurgeon, was by no means diminiſhed, and, as man-mid⯑wife, he brought more children into the world than half the accoucheurs in the country. Being retained by a young butcher in the town to attend his wife during her pregnancy, (who was remark⯑ably [121] handſome,) the doctor's evil ge⯑nius, who never intirely forſook him, took an active part in the affair, which terminated greatly to his diſſatisfaction. One morning, when he paid a viſit to Mrs. Marrowbone, (for that was the name of his fair patient,) there happen⯑ed to be preſent a miſchievous goſſip, to whom the doctor had formerly given offence, and who, to be revenged, took eſpecial care to repreſent the carriage and behaviour of Calomel in ſuch a diſ⯑advantageous light to the huſband of Mrs. Marrowbone, that he determi⯑ned to watch the doctor's motions, and, if ever he diſcovered any impro⯑priety or indelicacy, on the part of the phyſician, towards his wife, to take am⯑ple revenge.

[122]One day, when the doctor had been dining at the table of an acquaintance, where he drank more than a quantum ſufficit of wine, (for he always exceed⯑ed the bounds of diſcretion, in that par⯑ticular, when it was attended with no expence to himſelf,) on his return home, as he paſſed by Mrs. Marrowbone's door, he ſtepped in, to aſk her how ſhe was. The butcher, who accidentally ſaw the doctor go into his houſe in the evening, and ſuſpecting his intentions to be carnally, and not phyſically, di⯑rected, followed him in, and getting, unperceived, into an adjoining cloſet to the room, in which his wife was then ſitting, put his eye to a crevice, whence he could eaſily diſtinguiſh every thing that paſſed. He had not remained long in that ſituation, when his at⯑tention [123] was rouzed, and his temper, (naturally jealous,) was fired, by ſome expreſſions of the doctor towards his wife, which he conceived to border upon too much familiarity. The fact is, the phyſician's ſpirits had been wound up to a high pitch of vivacity by his friend's wine and cheerful converſation, which operated ſo powerfully upon his actions that he could not avoid mix⯑ing a little ſmattering of gallantry in his dialogue with Mrs. Marrowbone, (though, to do him juſtice, in his ſober moments he had as little deſire for the fineſt woman in the creation as a Jew rabbi for a pork-ſteak,) and the doctor even proceeded ſo far in his indiſcre⯑tions as to attempt to raviſh a kiſs; which the butcher perceiving from his hiding-place, he burſt into the room, [122] [...] [123] [...] [124] and, before Calomel could recover from the conſternation into which this un⯑ſeaſonable viſit threw him, made him an inſtantaneous preſent of ſuch a vio⯑lent blow in the eye, with all the force he was able, as drove the ball fairly into the ſocket, and ſo diſcompoſed his optic nerves, that every object in the 100m ſeemed to the doctor to be dan⯑cing before him; but, upon receiving another blow upon the ſtomach, equally ſalutary, he meaſured his length upon the floor, and crept under the bed with all the dexterity he was able; whence he was drawn out by the enraged butcher, who, throwing Calomel upon his back, kneeled upon his breaſt, while he whet⯑ted a long knife which hung by his ſide, and ſwore, with the moſt dreadful im⯑precations, that he would inſtantly diſ⯑qualify [125] the doctor from all attempts of that nature for the future; and was pro⯑ceeding to put his threats in execution, when the phyſician, with uplifted hands, and his eyes ſwimming in tears, intreated the butcher, for the love of God, to de⯑ſiſt from his bloody purpoſe, every now and then interlarding his prayers with crying murder as loud as he was able. Upon hearing the noiſe, ſome of the neighbours ruſhed in, and prevailed on the butcher to releaſe him, which at length he conſented to with infinite re⯑luctance.

As ſoon as the doctor got fairly out of the door, he ſet off, running as faſt as if Satan himſelf had been in purſuit of him, and never ſtopped to look back until he was quite at his own door, at which knocking luſtily, I ran in haſte [126] to open it, and there ſaw my miſerable maſter with one eye ſwelled as it were out of his head, and his face covered with blood and dirt. The inſtant he got in, the houſekeeper, ſeeing his dirty condition, brought him ſome warm wa⯑ter to waſh his face, after which he in⯑formed us of every particular, ſwearing that he would never reſt in his bed until he got revenge for ſo unparalleled an outrage.

When he had got his face cleaned, and a bandage to his eye, he flapped his hat, and walked out to a juſtice of the peace, who lived within a few paces of his own houſe, at the ſame time de⯑ſiring me to follow him; and, after pre⯑ſenting himſelf before the juſtice, he made his complaint in very moving terms; upon hearing which, his wor⯑ſhip [127] commiſerated his misfortunes, and aſſured him that juſtice ſhould be done him.

The magiſtrate ſent his ſervant im⯑mediately to the butcher to deſire him to attend, and requeſted my maſter to ſit down until his arrival. After wait⯑ing about half an hour, in came Mar⯑rowbone, with his wife and half a ſcore neighbours; and ſo far was the doctor from gaining any ſatisfaction, that, in the courſe of the butcher's depoſition, he had eloquence enough to convince the magiſtrate (who was not one of the wiſeſt of mankind) that Calomel meant no leſs than to diſhonour him; which depoſition was ſtrengthened by the evi⯑dence of the wife and two of the neigh⯑bours; upon which, in ſpite of all the doctor's proteſtations of innocence, the [128] juſtice adviſed him to make up the mat⯑ter with the butcher in the beſt manner he was able; at the ſame time caution⯑ing the phyſician againſt all ſuch at⯑tempts for the future.

The poor doctor foamed at the mouth with vexation, and even went ſo far as to charge the juſtice with partiality in the proceeding, which the other recei⯑ved in ſuch dudgeon, that he told Ca⯑lomel, if he was in the huſband's place, he would not only ſue him for damages, (which no court of juſtice, he ſaid, would refuſe on ſuch corroborating evi⯑dence,) but would publiſh the ſtory to the world, and ruin his character. This laſt ſuggeſtion of the magiſtrate alarmed the doctor very much, who now, lower⯑ing his note, declared he was willing to diſmiſs the parties; to which propoſal [129] the butcher was ſo far from agreeing, that he demanded reparation for the in⯑jury he had received; in which he was ſupported by the magiſtrate as a matter perfectly juſt and equitable. The ap⯑prehenſion of being expoſed, in that ſi⯑tuation, to the world, wrought upon the doctor ſo forcibly, that he aſked the butcher what ſum he expected; Mar⯑rowbone replied, he would drop the affair for a conſideration of forty gui⯑neas; to which propoſal the phyſician, who would as ſoon have parted with ſo many ounces of his heart's blood, re⯑maining inexorable, the juſtice inter⯑fered, and ſettled the ſum at twenty guineas. At laſt, both parties agree⯑ing, with great reluctance the doctor depoſited the ſum, and walked out of the magiſtrate's houſe without wiſhing [130] him a good evening, grumbling and muttering all the way to his own door, being greatly diſſatisfied at the con⯑duct of the juſtice in the whole tranſac⯑tion.

The moment he got into his ſtudy, he walked about the room with great agitation, curſing, ſinging, and crying, by turns; then tore his wig, and, throw⯑ing it on the floor, ſtamped upon it with great violence; then run his head againſt the wall, and began to caper about the place in ſuch a manner that I had not the leaſt doubt remaining of his brain being diſordered; ſo, ſtealing out of the room, I locked the door on the outſide, reſolving not to venture into the room by myſelf.

After ſitting by the kitchen-fire for about a quarter of an hour, the houſe⯑keeper [131] (who had been out to procure ſome neceſſaries for the family) coming in, I told her the ſtory, which terrified her almoſt as much as myſelf. It was at laſt reſolved that I ſhould go for Mr. Rhubarb; but he happened, fortunate⯑ly, to knock at the door juſt at that inſtant. When we unlocked the door of the doctor's ſtudy, I found him with his head upon the table, faſt aſleep, and ſnoring comfortably without his wig.— Mr. Rhubarb expreſſed great ſorrow at ſeeing his friend and patron ſo mal⯑treated, and in ſo comfortleſs a ſitua⯑tion; but, deſiring the houſekeeper to bring his woollen night-cap, the offi⯑cious apothecary tied it under his chin, and adviſed us to conduct him to bed; which endeavouring to put in execution, the doctor awoke, and, perceiving his [132] friend and counſellor, Mr. Rhubarb, he embraced him ſeemingly with great affection; at the ſame time the tears ran down his cheeks ſo copiouſly that my heart melted within me. Here he re⯑counted the adventures and miſtakes which had reduced him to ſuch a piti⯑able condition, venting the, ſevereſt curſes, and calling the magiſtrate by the moſt opprobrious epithets. At the inſtigation of Rhubarb, he permitted us to convey him to his bed-chamber, and there, while he was ſitting on the edge of the bed undreſſing himſelf, he amuſed us with a diſſertation on the perverſion of the diſtinction of right and wrong, and the glaring folly of the legiſlature in appointing individuals to be magi⯑ſtrates, whoſe educations are narrow and whoſe principles are vulnerable; and, [133] to do him juſtice, he handled the ſub⯑ject with a degree of ingenuity and knowledge, that ſufficiently proved him in the poſſeſſion of a keen and ſtrong underſtanding.

Now we left him to enjoy a com⯑fortable night's reſt, of which, indeed, he had great occaſion, not only to re⯑cruit his ſpirits, but his ſtrength, to en⯑counter a ſeries of unnumbered cala⯑mities, which the flinty-hearted deſti⯑nies had decreed ſhould torment him on the following day.

CHAPTER X.

A Large party of Highlanders arriving in the town, on their way from Dublin to Cork, and ſome of the offi⯑cers ſpending the evening at the inn with the gentlemen of the place, a [135] thought came into the head of a plea⯑ſant fellow, who was one of the party, to put another trick upon Calomel, which, if it ſucceeded, and was carried on properly, would effectually reduce him ſo far that he would never be able to hold his head up again, or mortify him to that degree as to oblige him to quit the town; a circumſtance moſt ar⯑dently wiſhed for by a majority of the inhabitants, to whom he had made him⯑ſelf exceedingly obnoxious.

The ſcheme was built upon the doc⯑tor's frequent boaſting in company, that, when he was at Glaſgow, proſe⯑cuting his medical ſtudies, he was ſig⯑nalized and honoured for his peculiar induſtry and penetration, and that one of the moſt eminent phyſicians of that country, a Dr. Macgreggor, kept up a [136] conſtant correſpondence with him ever ſince.

Now it was reſolved, that a Captain Crazy, a determined enemy of the doctor's, and one of the party, ſhould dreſs himſelf in a Highland plaid, and, being an excellent mimic, ſhould paſs for the ſurgeon of the regiment, and nephew to the Scotch phyſician in queſ⯑tion;—and that he ſhould ſend his com⯑pliments to Dr. Calomel, and acquaint him, that he would do himſelf the ho⯑nour of paying his reſpects to him be⯑fore he left the town. Accordingly the card was written, and a man diſpatched with it to his houſe. In the mean while Crazy, and another of the party, put on the Highland uniform, and, agree⯑ably to promiſe, after diſguiſing their faces, went to Calomel's, and knocked [137] at the door. The doctor, on any other occaſion, would have been proud to have received ſuch a mark of reſpect from the nephew of ſo great a man; but, circumſtanced as he was, at that time, with a moſt tremendous black eye, he would moſt willingly have de⯑clined the interview; however, they came in ſo unawares, that they abſo⯑lutely took the doctor by ſurpriſe, who was then in the act of adjuſting himſelf to hide his diſgrace as much as lay in his power. After the firſt ceremonies were over, and Calomel had made the neceſſary inquiries after the health of his friend Macgreggor, the pretended ſurgeon aſked him how he came by ſo diſagreeable an accident as that of a black eye. The queſtion abaſhed the doctor at firſt; but, aſſuming an air of [138] indifference, and a ſpirit of lying being among the reſt of his qualifications, he told them, that, having occaſion to get up in the night, in attempting to go down ſtairs his foot ſlipped, and he fell from the top to the bottom, and ſtruck his eye againſt a ſtool, which his ſer⯑vant had careleſsly left there after wind⯑ing up the clock, which ſtood at the bottom of the ſtairs. They pitied his caſe, and, to all appearance, ſwallowed the doctor's circumſtantial lie with great credulity. Upon the pretended ſur⯑geon's begging leave to look at it, Ca⯑lomel complied with a great deal of un⯑willingneſs; and, upon the parties go⯑ing to the window to examine it, the ſurgeon took care, while he was feeling the ſwelling, which was prodigiouſly large and inflamed, to give him ſuch [139] pinches, and handled the buſineſs ſo roughly, that Calomel, in ſpite of all his endeavours to the contrary, could not help wincing, and grinding his teeth with torture; till, at laſt, the pretended nephew of Macgreggor gave him ſuch a confounded pinch, that the doctor, loſing all patience, bellowed like a ſtuck pig; exclaiming, with great vocifera⯑tion, that he could not endure more pain in an amputation; upon which the other aſking pardon, the doctor appear⯑ed perfectly ſatisfied.

After ſome deſultory diſcourſe upon the ſtate of phyſic in Scotland, a ſubject which the doctor's viſitor avoided as much as poſſible, they parted, but not before the phyſician had made a pro⯑miſe to ſpend the evening at the inn: when Calomel ſtarted ſome objections [140] relative to his eye, the other aſſured him, upon his honour, that he was in poſſeſſion of the means of curing it in the courſe of a ſingle night, and that he would do himſelf the pleaſure of re⯑moving ſo ungentlemanlike and per⯑plexing a disfigurement that very eve⯑ning; for which kind and polite in⯑tention Calomel profeſſed himſelf very happy.

At the appointed hour for meeting in the evening, the doctor's newly-acquired friends, accompanied with two or three more implacable foes to Calomel, pro⯑perly diſguiſed, and a few Scotch offi⯑cers, aſſembled together, expecting the phyſician every minute.

I muſt inform my readers, that my maſter was ſo elevated with the idea of his own conſequence, which he concei⯑ved [141] to be greatly heightened by the late viſit, that he made a point to go among his acquaintance, and publiſh the cir⯑cumſtance as a matter materially re⯑ſounding to his perſonal honour and cha⯑racter; he ſet forth the reſpect that was entertained for his abilities in other countries, and, at the ſame time, hint⯑ed how much the people of P—n were indebted to him for reſiding among them.

The time arriving that he was to re⯑pair to the inn, he put on his beſt wig, nicely powdered for the occaſion, and curled as cloſe as a cauliflower; and, getting into a chair, he proceeded to the rendezvous with a heart as light as pride and vanity could make it. When he entered the room, the gentlemen roſe, and inſiſted upon his taking the [142] chair at the upper end of the table, which, with a little affectation of mo⯑deſty, he accepted. After a dozen glaſſes had circulated briſkly, the doc⯑tor's unbound eye began to twinkle; and not intirely without a cauſe; for theſe wags had ſlily infuſed a quantity of brandy into every glaſs of wine the doctor drank; while he, proud of exhi⯑biting his talents for diſputation, was holding forth to the reſt of the company, and explaining, with great energy, the origin and exertion of the muſcles.

At laſt, conceiving a diſreliſh for the wine, a large bowl of punch was or⯑dered, which they placed before Calo⯑mel, who, bending over the bowl, loſt his equilibrium, and, falling along the table, was, with ſome difficulty, replaced in his chair by his comic companions; [143] but not without diſordering his wig in ſuch a manner that it was impoſſible he could put it on his head any more that evening; for the truth is, when the doc⯑tor firſt loſt the center of gravity, in plunging forward, his nicely-dreſſed wig fell into the punch-bowl, where it was ſwimming for a period of five minutes, while they were fixing the phyſician in his preſidential chair; but, the doctor complaining that his head was cold, they called for a red night-cap, which the landlord brought, and with that they protected his ſeat of knowledge and me⯑dical ſkill from the aſſaults of the cold air.

It was now propoſed by the fictitious ſurgeon to apply the remedy to the doc⯑tor's eye, which he aſſenting to by a nod, being intirely overcome with li⯑quor, [144] they tipped the landlord a wink, who went out, and returned in a few minutes with a plate-full of guts, taken warm from a ſheep that was juſt killed, which putting in a coarſe cloth, they applied, ſmoking hot, to the maimed eye and cheek of the paſſive doctor, who, having fallen into a ſound ſleep, lay ſnoring in his chair, drunk, and in⯑ſenſible to all their kind exertions for the reſtoration of his health.

After having tied on this never-failing plaſter for his recovery, which, mode⯑rately ſpeaking, covered three-fourths of his head, and enjoying the brilliant ſucceſs of their deſign for ſome time, they order⯑ed a chair, and, putting the phyſician in⯑to it, ſent him home dead drunk, with his wig dropping wet in his lap before him. The chairmen (who had been previouſly [145] made tipſy for the purpoſe) had not proceeded far with their burden, when the foremoſt man, ſtumbling againſt a ſtone which lay in his way, loſt his hold, and, falling to the ground, the chair dropped with him, the door of which, being unfaſtened within, flew open, and lodged the black-viſaged doctor in the mud. The chairmen, being almoſt as drunk as their employer, and not percei⯑ving his diſaſter, got up, and made the beſt of their way to the doctor's houſe. Hearing the chair ſtop, I ran with the light; but, gueſs our ſurprize when we found the vehicle unoccupied! — The chairmen were thunderſtruck; and all the houſekeeper and I could get out of them was, that they were certain the doctor got into the ſedan at the inn.

[146]In the midſt of concern for our maſ⯑ter's ſafety, it was determined that I ſhould go to Mr. Rhubarb, and endea⯑vour, with him, to diſcover what had become of the doctor. Accordingly, I went and called Mr. Rhubarb, who, imagining it was a ſummons to attend ſome perſon that had been taken ſick in the night, jumped up, and, dreſſing himſelf with uncommon alacrity, inqui⯑red who was unwell; but, ſeeing me, and underſtanding that the doctor was miſſing, he appeared very much alarm⯑ed, and, taking hat, cloak, and ſtick, we ſallied forth in queſt of this medical child of innumerable misfortunes. After rambling about the town for above half an hour, to no purpoſe, and wet to the ſkin, (for it rained extremely hard,) we reſolved to give over the purſuit; but, [147] on turning the corner of the market-place, we heard a noiſe, much reſem⯑bling that of a man groaning, and, go⯑ing up to inquire the cauſe, there we found the pitiable Calomel (for, by this time, the wet and cold he had ſuſtained awaked him) groping in the ſurrounding mud for aſſiſtance; and he was ſo disfi⯑gured, that, had it not been for his voice, we never ſhould have recognized his perſon.

After getting him upon his legs, Rhu⯑barb called up a poor woman, who li⯑ved hard by the place, and, when ſhe had ſtruck a light, we guided this mi⯑ſerable diſciple of Hippocrates into the houſe. When Mr. Rhubarb firſt ſaw his head, he burſt into an exclamation of "Ch—t J—s! what have we here! ſure, this is not the doctor!"—"Yes, [148] but it is though, you ſneaking clyſ⯑ter-pipe ſon of a whore," cries Ca⯑lomel, at the ſame time belching moſt immoderately, "if it isn't me, who is it? tell me that;—d'ye hear?"— I beg your pardon, doctor," cries Rhubarb, "I did not mean to give you offence, upon my honour."—You and your honour may be damned to⯑gether;—d'ye hear me now?—here's a pretty ſcou—ou—ou—ndrel to be talking of honour, that ſells the pow⯑der of rotten wood for julep, and ground oiſter-ſhells for magneſia al⯑ba."—"I ſcorn your words," replied the other.—"You and your ſcorn may go to the devil together;" ſaid the doctor;—"d'ye hear me now, you dried eel-ſkin? — Here, houſe, bring me ſome brandy, for I'm curſed dry."

[149]The apothecary and I ſtared with aſtoniſhment at each other, and could ſcarce believe we were in our ſenſes; but, perceiving his head tied up, and the wildneſs of his eye and diſcourſe co-operating with our fears, we took it for granted, that, by ſome ſhocking ac⯑cident the ſcull was fractured, and that the ſenſorium was wounded by the con⯑tuſion; however, with the aſſiſtance of the old woman of the houſe, we made him three quarts of whey, which forcing down his throat, we perceived his reaſon to return apace.

When he came a little to himſelf, Rhubarb ventured to inquire what was the cauſe of his head being bound up in ſo extraordinary a manner. All we could gather from his anſwer was, that it was put on by Dr. Macgreggor.— [150] "Who is Dr. Macgreggor?" cries the other.—"Oh! by my ſoul," ſays the doc⯑tor, one that will flog all your country for knowledge, my lad of phyſic; — Galen and Eſculapius were but fools to him;—it's he has the notes for it."

By this time, the copious draughts of whey that he had drunk, mixing with the vile dregs of the ſpirituous liquor in his ſtomach, cauſed an inſurrection in that ſenſible part of the frame that put a total ſtop to Calomel's eulogium on his friend Macgreggor; and, after turn⯑ing up the white of his eye, with great energy, his face appeared as agitated by ſtrong convulſions, which laſted until nature, harraſſed with ſuch a combina⯑tion of liquids, impelled the phyſician to diſcharge the nauſeating load; which, lighting on the neck of the old woman, [151] (who was ſtooping to re-kindle her fire,) ran down her back and ſhoulders like a torrent, and made her ſtink more of⯑fenſive than a bog-houſe in the dog-days. Rhubarb all the while kept ſlap⯑ping his patron on the back, who, gi⯑ving a violent ſtrain to bring up the laſt remains of the filthy cargo, burſt the bandage which tied the plaſter to his eye; when the guts and garbage, falling to the ground, fairly ſuffocated a young kitten that was faſt aſleep at the doctor's feet. When Rhubarb ſaw the ingre⯑dients of Macgreggor's plaſter, he lift⯑ed up his eyes in aſtoniſhment; and Ca⯑lomel, confounded and chop-fallen, ſwore, that he would never receive the ſoft bleſſing of reſt, until he had wreak⯑ed his reſentment on the caitiff who had uſed him ſo unworthily.

CHAPTER XI.

WHILE the doctor and his friend Rhubarb paſſed the remainder of the night at the old woman's cabin, that they might not fail to find out Dr. Macgreggor in the morning, (which, if they went to bed, they apprehended might be the caſe, as the Highlanders were ordered to aſſemble in the morning early at the market-place, for the pur⯑poſe [153] of proceeding on their route to Cork,) I was diſpatched home to bring a change of clothes and linen, that my maſter might be properly dreſſed, to call his brother in phyſical iniquity to a pro⯑per account for the affront he had re⯑ceived at his hands over-night. On my return, we uſed every expedient to ar⯑ray him properly; — we ſtripped the doctor ſtark naked, and waſhed him with buckets of water from head to foot; and, after rubbing him dry, by frequently giving him whey and butter-milk recovered him pretty tolerably; ſo that, when Aurora thought proper to give birth to a new day, the phyſician had almoſt totally ſurmounted his late indiſpoſition, and, conſidering every thing, cut a better figure, as a human being, than could well have been ex⯑pected [154] from the variety of miſery he had ſo recently experienced.

As ſoon as we heard the drums of the Highland regiment beating a reveilly, to call the ſoldiers to aſſemble, the pu⯑rified doctor began to breathe nothing but denunciations of vengeance againſt the ſuppoſed nephew of the celebrated Dr. Macgreggor; he ſwore, with great bitterneſs of expreſſion, that no conſi⯑deration whatever ſhould reſtrain him from publicly chaſtiſing the object of his wrath.

He had ſcarcely finiſhed this mena⯑cing and terrific prologue to the ap⯑proaching farce, when the old woman (whom he had diſpatched to the mar⯑ket-place for the purpoſe of bringing the earlieſt account of their muſtering) returned, to inform my maſter that the [155] Scotchmen had already formed their ranks, with every man his knapſack, and appeared equipped, at all points, for an immediate departure.

This information rouzed the mal⯑treated Calomel, who, attended by his faithful ally, Mr. Rhubarb, and myſelf, ſallied forth to the propoſed ſcene of action. My maſter hurried on with pro⯑digious haſte until we came within fifty paces of the market-place, when his walking became ſlower and ſlower; and it was evident, by the livid paleneſs of his countenance and the quivering of his lips, that he ſorely repented of his raſhneſs. When he came within ſight of the ſoldiers, he ſuddenly turned about, and addreſſed his friend Rhubarb in the following manner, his knees trembling under him all the while:—"Don't you [156] think now, Mr. Rhubarb, that this action of mine favours ſtrongly of a bloody and deſperate diſpoſition? If it come to a duel, I know I ſhall certainly kill him, and you muſt be convinced that is but little ſhort of murder;—no, I know my own raſh⯑neſs;" ſays he, with trembling ac⯑cents;—"it is an unchriſtianlike deed to ſeek revenge, and I'll go no far⯑ther." —"What!" ſays Rhubarb, ſhocked at his want of ſpirit, "will you permit ſuch an outrage, committed on your perſon, to go unpuniſhed!— Oh! fie, doctor!—it muſt not be!" ſays Rhubarb; at the ſame time giving him a ſhove with his ſhoulder, which drove the petrified phyſician three yards nearer to the enemy.

[157]My maſter, finding it impoſſible to retreat with honour, as things had been already carried ſo far, made the beſt of the embarraſſment, and, aſſuming all the importance he was able, walked up to the commanding officer, (ſhaking all the way, like a man in a palſy,) and, putting his cane to his noſe, aſked for Dr. Macgreggor in as authoritative a tone as he poſſibly could aſſume. The officer, perceiving that he was not treated with all that reſpect which he conceived to be his due, looked down upon this har⯑binger of death with ineffable contempt, at the ſame time remaining ſilent; but, upon the doctor's repeating the queſ⯑tion, a young enſign, who ſtood at his elbow, told him there was no ſuch man in the regiment. Calomel replied, that was impoſſible; for he had invited him, [158] in propria perſona, but the day before, and had likewiſe ſpent the evening in his company at the inn, with ſix officers belonging to the corps; and had recei⯑ved ſuch ungentlemanlike uſage, that he demanded ſatisfaction.

Here the commanding officer, per⯑ceiving the miſtake, aſſured him, upon his honour, there was no ſuch perſon belonging to the regiment. The phy⯑ſician was thunderſtruck; but, obſer⯑ving the maſter of the inn at a diſtance, he beckoned him to him, and aſked him, before a whole circle of people, (who had, by this time, gathered round the doctor,) if he knew who it was he was in company with, the evening before, at his houſe.—The innkeeper replied, perfectly well;—that they were a parcel of gentlemen of the town, who had [159] dreſſed themſelves, for the ſake of a frolic, in the Highland uniform.—The doctor haſtily inquired, who it was that called for the wine; and, hearing it was Mr. M'Neil, he appeared thoughtful for a few ſeconds; and, recollecting his features, and the ſucceſsful effect of their ſtratagem, at his expence, together with the ridiculous boaſtings he had made of the honour of ſuch a connexion, the blood forſook his cheeks, and he abſo⯑lutely fainted away in the arms of the apothecary, being completely overcome by a ſtrong ſenſe of ſhame, grief, and mortification.

In this ſtate he was conveyed home before he recovered the uſe of his fa⯑culties, which he no ſooner found him⯑ſelf in poſſeſſion of than he tore his hair, and beat his breaſt with uncommon vio⯑lence; [160] and, with the tears trickling down his face, he kneeled upon the ground, and, with the moſt infernal execrations, curſed himſelf and the womb that brought him forth; at the ſame time vowing an eternal enmity with all man⯑kind.

The perturbation of his mind was ſo great, that not only Rhubarb, but the houſekeeper and myſelf, expected no⯑thing leſs, from ſuch exceſſive agita⯑tions, but an inſtantaneous deprivation of his ſenſes. His friend declaring him in a high fever, he was put to bed, which he kept for a fortnight, refuſing to take any kind of ſuſtenance or re⯑freſhment for the firſt three days.

When he had pretty well overcome the dreadful effects of the malady, he received one morning (while he was [161] ſitting by himſelf, and ruminating upon the ſad events of his too eaſy credulity) the two following curious epiſtles, the laſt of which was delivered open.

After ſtaring, with his eyes fixed upon me, in a wild manner, the letter drop⯑ped from his hands, and he exclaimed, with great emphaſis and force of ex⯑preſſion,— ‘Ch—t have mercy upon us!—what, theſe villains want firſt to murder me, and then to bury me alive!—aye, but I'll be damned if they do!’

[163]It was ſome time before I could di⯑vert him from his reverie, to inform him that there was a ſecond letter for him, which, with trembling hands, he took off the table;—"What! opened too!—well," ſays Calomel, "it can't be worſe than the former, if it even came from the devil himſelf!" Upon unfolding it, he read as follows:

When he had finiſhed peruſing the ſecond unwelcome epiſtle, he put it in his mouth, and began to chew it with great emotion; and, from that, and other unfavourable ſymptoms, we were apprehenſive of a return of the phrenſy, which had accompanied his fever to a dreadful degree. But, luckily, in the midſt of our alarms, his friend Rhu⯑barb called upon him; whoſe preſence never failed to give him ſome ſolace, even in the utmoſt extremities of his chagrin. The doctor ſignifying a deſire for us to retire, we left the phy⯑ſical twain in cloſe conſultation.

[165]At the expiration of half an hour, Mr. Rhubarb came into the kitchen, and told me that my maſter had taken a reſolution to paſs ſome time at a diſ⯑tant relation's of his, who lived in the next county, until his preſent diſgrace ſhould be forgotten in the town; at the ſame time telling me to provide myſelf with another maſter, as he ſhould have no farther occaſion for my ſervices.

After receiving my wages, which, with what I had deducted for clothes and other neceſſaries, amounted, in the courſe of upwards of two years ſervice, to juſt two pounds nine ſhillings and ſeven pence three farthings, I quitted the ſervice of this moſt extraordinary character, to go once more in purſuit of that moſt capricious of all whimſical females, Fortune.

CHAPTER XII.

WHEN I had taken a moſt af⯑fectionate leave of my fellow-ſervant, the houſekeeper, and thanked [167] Mr. Rhubarb for his friendſhip, I de⯑parted, with my linen, and all the port⯑able part of my wardrobe, tied up in a handkerchief, which putting at the end of a crab-ſtick, I threw them acroſs my ſhoulder, and bade adieu to P—n for ever.

Taking the road to Dublin, I had travelled on ſomewhat better than ſeven miles when I began to find myſelf in want of refreſhment; and, ſtopping at a ſmall town, I went into a little mean-looking public-houſe, diſtinguiſhed from the reſt by a miſerable ſign, which the artiſt meant ſhould be taken for the ve⯑nerable figure of St. Patrick, in the act of driving all venomous reptiles out of the Land of Saints.

On my entering, I found the whole family had juſt ſat down to dinner, and [168] hunger, at that time, being the great⯑eſt of the evils I endured, I reſolved to take advantage of my good fortune, and remove it; ſo, boldly marching in, I told the landlord, if it were agreeable I would make one among them; offer⯑ing, at the ſame time, to pay whatever he ſhould think neceſſary. He gladly accepted my offer, and one and all ſeemed to ſtrive who ſhould be foremoſt to accommodate the young ſtranger; ſo, taking my place by a luſty black-eyed wench, (whom I afterwards found to be the landlord's eldeſt daughter,) I began to aſſail the wholeſome dainties of the table, which conſiſted of a piece of ſalt pork, boiled, — ſome red herrings, — a profuſion of potatoes,—and ſome grid⯑dle-bread: and indeed it was extremely fortunate that I was ſo ſharp ſet; for, [169] while I was caſting an eye of admira⯑tion towards the roſy wench that ſat at my right hand, the maſter of the houſe had filled my plate ſo full of the beſt of every thing at the table, that it formed a kind of pyramid, behind which I ſat intrenched, and loſt in a kind of aſto⯑niſhment; which is not ſo much to be wondered at, as I had ſo recently left the oeconomic table of Dr. Calomel, who would not willingly have allowed me ſo much victuals for a week's ſub⯑ſiſtence as this poor man deſigned ſhould be only a part of one meal.

After I had allayed the cravings of my appetite, which, at the firſt en⯑counter, bordered a little on the vora⯑cious, I had time and opportunity to ſurvey the reſt of the family.

[170]Beſides the hoſt, who was a hearty, facetious, man, and his buxom daughter, we had the company of his wife, who did the honours of her table, if it may be allowed that the fulfilling them conſiſts in making every one a⯑round her eat plentifully; for my part, ſhe ſo teazed me with her importunities to devour more than I was able, that I longed moſt ardently for a removal of the victuals, to get rid of the trouble⯑ſome effects of her well-meant hoſpita⯑lity.

On the ground, at one corner of the apartment, were three fubby maſculine children, the eldeſt not more than ſix years old, as naked as when they came out of their mother's womb, ſurround⯑ing a large wooden diſh, full of pota⯑toes, out of which they were eating [171] luſtily, accompanied by the like num⯑ber of pigs, who, by their noiſe in eat⯑ing, formed a kind of concert; the grunting of the pigs ſerving as a kind of baſs, which accorded perfectly well with the treble and tenor ſqualling of the children. After the ſwine had fi⯑niſhed their repaſt, they ranged about the room with that kind of confidence and dumb pleaſure, which clearly pro⯑ved to me, that they did not conſider themſelves, by any means, as inconſi⯑derable members of the family.

When I had ſatisfied the landlord for my refreſhment, I once more renewed my pedeſtrian expedition, ſtill keeping on the high road to the metropolis. As I walked faſt, I overtook a pedlar, and joined company with him. After a few queſtions had paſſed, on both ſides, he [172] informed me that he was going to Dub⯑lin likewiſe, to procure a freſh aſſort⯑ment of goods; but, that being the time of the curragh meeting, he propo⯑ſed to ſtop that evening at Kildare, which reſolution he adviſed me to concur in, as the evening was approaching very faſt.

I thought his determination ſo pro⯑per, and moreover liking his company, that I inſtantly agreed, and on we jogged together, the pedlar beguiling both the time and the road by recapitulating his adventures. In the courſe of his remarks, he did not fail to warn me againſt the impoſitions of the world, and recounted various inſtances of youth coming to a bad and an untimely end, by making choice, in the early part of their lives, of vicious and unprincipled companions. [173] I was ſo well pleaſed with his diſcourſe that I liſtened to him with very great attention, and ſecretly bleſſed myſelf for being ſo uncommonly fortunate as to meet with ſo good and ſo exemplary an aſſociate.

While I was attending to the ſage injunctions of this itinerant Mentor, we imperceptibly arrived at Kildare. I was ſo much attached to my companion, that I requeſted him, as a particular favour, that he would permit me to meſs and ſleep with him until we reached Dub⯑lin; to which, after ſome little heſita⯑tion, he aſſented.

We put up at the ſign of the Brogue and Shamrock; and, having ſecured our bed, for the uſe of which, for one night, we agreed to pay four-pence, my com⯑panion (whoſe name I now underſtood [174] to be Dennis Blarney) made many in⯑quiries concerning the company in the town, which we found was extremely reſpectable and numerous, owing to a great match that was to be run for the next day, upon the curragh of Kildare, for five hundred guineas. We paſſed away the time in diſcourſing on various topics, in which my friend Blarney never failed to introduce ſome excellent leſſon of morality.—We regaled ourſelves at intervals with eating bread and cheeſe, and waſhing it down with copious draughts of ale, brewed by our land⯑lady, as thick as water-gruel, and as ſour as a crab-apple.

When we ſignified a deſire of going to bed, the hoſteſs ſtepped forward, and, extending her hand, informed me that our reckoning came to tenpence-half-penny; [175] when my friend Blarney, ſeeing me put my hand in my pocket and pull out my money to diſcharge it, im⯑mediately ſtopped me, and, paying the reckoning himſelf, told me, that young people, like me, had enough to do with their money beſides treating their fel⯑low-travellers.—I was ſo ſtruck with this inſtance of diſintereſted generoſity, in ſuch a man, that I could have hug⯑ged him with tranſports of gratitude and reſpect.

The good woman now ſhewed us to our bed, to which we aſcended by the help of an old ladder;—it was placed in a kind of loft, in which we were for⯑ced to bend double, the rafters of the cieling and the floor being within three feet of each other.

[176]After our landlady had ſtrictly char⯑ged us to take care of our light, which was a dried ruſh, dipped in greaſe, ſhe left us to our private meditations. The dreary appearance around me made me undreſs myſelf and get into bed as faſt as poſſible; which my moral friend Blarney perceiving rebuked me, in very ſevere terms, for lying down to reſt without firſt returning thanks for the bleſſings and comforts I had enjoyed through the day. I was ſo confounded and aſhamed, that, although it was a cold night, I got out of bed, and, kneel⯑ing by the ſide of Blarney, he made me repeat ſuch a long ſucceſſion of prayers, that every joint trembled with cold. At laſt, thinking proper to end his devo⯑tions, we got into bed, and, bein very [177] much fatigued with travelling ſo many miles, I inſtantly fell aſleep.

But how great was my ſurprize when I awoke in the morning and found my partner gone! however, concluding that he had ſome buſineſs to tranſact in the town, and that, when he had performed it, he would return and call me, I re⯑mained perfectly ſatisfied, and inſenſibly fell into another doze; from which I was rouzed by the woman of the houſe, who aſked me, in a very rough manner, if I meant to ſleep all day as well as all night; upon which I aſked her what time of the morning it was;—"Time," ſays ſhe, "why, it's time to go to din⯑ner!" At which I was ſo ſtartled that I got up and dreſſed, myſelf in a few minutes, and, deſcending the ladder, inquired if ſhe had ſeen my bedfellow [178] that morning;—"Seen him!" ſays ſhe, no, no; Dennis Blarney knows bet⯑ter than to be ſeen in Kildare by day⯑light; I warrant him that he's a good ten mile of the road by this time!" When I inquired into the meaning of her ſuggeſtions, ſhe told me, that he was as big a villain as was unhanged, and had actually been tried, at the aſ⯑ſizes in that town, on a ſuſpicion of burglary.

On hearing this account, which I be⯑lieved as neither more nor leſs than a downright falſehood, I told the woman that certainly ſhe was deceived; for I was convinced, by his behaviour, that he was not only an honeſt, but a reli⯑gious, man: at which my landlady burſt into a loud laugh, and aſked me how long I had been acquainted with him; [179] on my replying, only about three hours before I entered her houſe, ſhe ſaid, that was long enough in all conſcience; and bade me, as I valued my character, if ever I met Blarney again to ſhun him as I would a third-day ague.

My ſtomach being, by this time, ready for the reception of another meal, I ordered ſome eggs to be boiled, and demoliſhed nine in as many ſeconds, which, leſt they ſhould lie heavy, I qua⯑lified with a quart of ale; and, inqui⯑ring how much they came to, was pre⯑paring to diſcharge the obligation, when, lo! I put my hand in my pocket, and found my money had fled!—I ſearched one pocket after another, with the ut⯑moſt trepidation; but, alas! all to no purpoſe. My landlady, perceiving my tribulation, inquired the cauſe; and, [180] when I informed her that I had loſt my money, ſhe aſked what opinion I had of honeſt Dennis Blarney now; who, it ſeems, notwithſtanding all his mora⯑lity and religion, had thought proper to march off not only with my money, but likewiſe with two ſhirts, three pair of ſtockings, and a linen waiſtcoat, which I had tied up in a handkerchief, and left in the room when I went to reſt.

I was ſo affected at firſt with my loſs that I wept bitterly, being left in a ſtrange place, totally deſtitute of friends, and not a penny in my pocket to pro⯑cure me food. The poor woman, at whoſe houſe I had lodged, took com⯑panion on my diſtreſs, and told me that I was extremely welcome to what I owed herſelf; but adviſed me, while I lived, not to be over-ready in giving credit to [181] the profeſſions of men, that I did not know at firſt, for the future. With this wholeſome admonition in my head, and abundance of ſorrow in my heart, I went forth from her houſe, with a con⯑ſiderable addition to my experience, and not a penny in my pocket.

After ſauntering about the place a great part of the day, I chanced to paſs by a gate-way, intirely wrapt up in con⯑templation on the melancholy ſtate of my finances, when a noiſe, all on a ſud⯑den, aſſailed me, ſo loud, ſhrill, and diſcordant, that I verily believed it had burſt the drum of my ear. After in⯑ſtinctively clapping my hands to my head, to feel if it had not received ſome alteration from the violent nature of the aſſault, I turned about, and ſaw a fel⯑low in a livery-coat, ſtriped waiſtcoat, [182] red breeches, and an old gold-laced hat, in the act of blowing a trumpet. This prodigious exertion (which, in⯑deed, was not thrown away, for he made the very element reſound with the a⯑larm) ſwelled his cheeks to the reſem⯑blance of bladders overcharged with wind.

When he had finiſhed this melodious flouriſh, (which had drawn together a large auditory of men, women, and children,) he changed the mode of en⯑tertainment, and proceeded to give a verbal deſcription of the wonderful ſights that were brought to the town, for the mere purpoſe of contributing to their amuſement. He conveyed his lively deſcriptions in a voice, that, had I been blind, I never ſhould imagine could have iſſued from human organs;—he [183] ſeemed to heave every ſentence from his lungs with prodigious difficulty, and with ſuch a terrible hoarſeneſs of accent as rendered the pleaſant ſallies of his imagination almoſt unintelligible.— "This is the time, my noble maſters," roared this herald of wonders, to ſee the largeſt white bear, d'ye ſee, that ever was brought from the ſhores of Greenland!—its body is as large as a young elephant, and every claw as thick as my leg!—Moreover, beſides that, we have brought a moſt aſtoniſh⯑ing baboon, as tall, when he ſtands upright, d'ye ſee, as e'er a trooper in the Ligonier horſe!—and, for the pleaſure and ſatisfaction of my no⯑ble maſters and miſtreſſes, d'ye ſee, the bear and the baboon ſhall dance the minivit dilly core, ſuch as was [184] danced before their majeſties at Wind⯑ſor, God bleſs 'em!—The bear larn'd the minivit-ſtep from Tom Surly, who kept a threepenny-halfpenny hop in St. Giles's; and the baboon was larn'd by the famous Monſieur Neveraſhirt, in Petty-France.—This is your time, my hearts of gold, to ſee the won⯑derful wild beeſtis!"

Having, by the ſuperior eloquence of his harangue, drawn a young woman to the feet of ſome ſteps that led to the ſcene of wonders, he ſuddenly clapped his ſhoulder to her bottom, (while ſhe ſtood gazing, with her mouth wide open,) and, fairly lifting her up three ſteps, be⯑gan to roar, ‘See how they tumble up there! my hearts; now's your time, or never!’—The young woman was ſo confounded at her unexpected eleva⯑tion, [185] that, for fear of turning about, and expoſing herſelf to the mirth of the mob, ſhe paid her money at the en⯑trance, and hurried in as faſt as her legs could carry her; and the conſequences proved, that the fellow's ingenious ex⯑pedient, of forcing the young woman, in a manner, to become a ſpectator a⯑gainſt her own conſent, was well timed; for the reſt of the aſſembly began to aſcend ſo faſt, that, in a ſhort ſpace of time, the room of exhibition was intire⯑ly crammed.

The fellow at the door ſoliciting me to depoſit my two-pence for the ſight, among the reſt, with all the perſuaſion he was maſter of, I ingenuouſly told him, that two-pence, in coin, was, at that time, more than I was worth in the whole world. Upon his aſking if I had [186] a ſtrong deſire to ſee the ſhow, and my replying in the affirmative, he bade me follow him, for that they were going to begin.

Elated with the opportunity of ſeeing the dance for nothing, and highly plea⯑ſed with the good-natured offer of the man, I followed him into a dark paſ⯑ſage, when, upon lifting up the ſhat⯑tered remains of an old carpet, I found myſelf on a ſudden behind the ſcenes, but the place was ſo dark that I could not diſtinguiſh one object from another; nor ſhould I have been able to have diſcovered the ſituation of the audi⯑ence, if it had not been for the thun⯑dering clamour which they made for the ſhow-man to begin.

I was ſo embarraſſed in my new ſitu⯑tion that I was afraid to ſtir, for fear of [187] doing ſome miſchief, when, in the midſt of a loud roar, which the ſpectators ſet up for the entertainments to commence, a fellow in the gallery, enraged at the delay, and perceiving me groping about the ſtage, whom he miſtook for the ſhow-man himſelf, threw an apple with ſuch force as, unluckily coming full in my left eye, made it actually ſtrike fire, and frightened me to that degree, that, attempting to make my eſcape, I ran directly againſt Maſter Bruin, who was ſitting upon his hind legs, ready to be led out to dance by his agreeable part⯑ner, the baboon. The ſtrength with which I ran againſt the bear (who had not been uſed to ſuch intruſions) of⯑fended him ſo much, that, quickly turn⯑ing round, he ſeized me in his paws, and, griping me with more violence [188] than Hercules ever did Anteus, made me bawl out murder without intermiſſion, until the keeper came with a light to my reſcue, and found me incloſed faſt in the ſhaggy animal's embrace, while he was pummelling me over the head and face with his ſnout, which, it was extremely lucky for me, was ſecurely muzzled, otherwiſe the angry brute had certainly made a breakfaſt on my brains.

When the keeper made him quit his prey, by dint of many hard blows, which he gave Bruin with a long pole that he kept for that purpoſe, I dropped motionleſs on the ground, and ſainted in a fit, out of which I was recovered, as I afterwards found, by an old wo⯑man, who poured a whole pail-full of water upon my face, which inſtanta⯑neouſly [189] called me back to life; but the remedy was attended with one diſagree⯑able effect, which was, that it left me as wet as if I had been dipped in the river.

Upon my expreſſing ſome apprehen⯑ſions of catching cold, the old woman deſired me to go with her, and ſhe would bring me to a fire that I might dry my⯑ſelf. I, at firſt, was rather unwilling to embrace her offer, for fear of loſing a ſight of the dance; but an accident happened, which made me think I could dry myſelf, and return to the ſhow, time enough for the diverſion.—The occur⯑rence was briefly this: — in the general confuſion, when the keeper was bela⯑bouring the bear, the baboon, who had, on more occaſions than one, felt the ponderous weight of his arm, under a [190] notion that, poſſibly, his turn might be next, thought, like many an able gene⯑ral, that it was equally honourable, and infinitely ſafer, to make a retreat from an enemy in time, whom he could not encounter without a certainty of loſing the battle; and, in purſuance of this reſolution, he made the beſt of his way to the top of the building, where he ſat on a croſs beam, grinning with a miſ⯑chievous and malignant aſpect upon his maſter, every now and then ſcratching his rump, as if he meant to treat both him and his vengeance with ſovereign contempt: however, the keeper, who had been pretty well accuſtomed to the unlucky pranks of this facetious young gentleman, procured a ladder and a horſe-whip, and was aſcending to bring [191] his excentric pupil to a proper ſenſe of his duty, when I went out with the old gentlewoman to dry myſelf by her fire.

CHAPTER XIII.

I Returned from drying myſelf juſt in the nick of time, for the dance be⯑tween the bear and the baboon was then going to begin. I muſt own my ex⯑pectations were exceedingly great, and I ſurveyed the progreſs of the brutes [193] with particular attention. When the baboon extended his paw to the bear, he ſeemed to accept it with that ſullen kind of complaiſance, which made it appear rather a matter of force than in⯑clination; but, receiving from the ſhow-man, at that inſtant, a well-directed thump upon his poſteriors, it brought him to ſuch a proper ſenſe of decency and good manners, that he immediately proceeded to the front of the ſtage with all the grace and agility of which he was maſter; when a little man, with one leg, and as blind as a mill-horſe, who ſat on a chair in the center of the plat⯑form, began to play the well-known and equally-celebrated tune of Sheela⯑na-gig upon an old violin that appear⯑ed to have received as much injury from the hand of time as himſelf; for, of the [194] five ſtrings, (which the original inventor of the inſtrument thought neceſſary to the production of perfect harmony,) there were but two remaining. But this de⯑crepid Orpheus ſeemed to think very lit⯑tle of ſuch an impediment; for, labour⯑ing away with head, hands, and feet, he brought forth an infernal, grating, diſ⯑tant, reſemblance of the tune in queſtion; indeed, had he performed ever ſo well, it would have anſwered very little pur⯑poſe; for the ſportive animals, either from want of a muſical ear, or ſtubborn⯑neſs of diſpoſition, paid ſo little regard to the time or the tune, that it was pal⯑pable they jumped and ſkipped about as diſorderly as if they had been both deaf to the elegant flouriſhes of the blind harmoniſt:—but, what they wanted in knowledge and attention, they amply [195] made up in effect; for, during the per⯑formance, the laughter and applauſe that accompanied it was truly wonder⯑ful.

At the cloſe of the dance, ſome of the more intelligent part of the audi⯑ence publicly complained to the ſhow-man, that the dance which they had ſeen was not the dance that they were promiſed. The keeper replied, that he was ſorry their complaint was, in one particular, but too well grounded; "for," ſaid he, "I have been told as how, in dancing the minevit dilly core, they muſt not turn their back⯑ſide on the audience; now, though I have beat the bear black and blue, as it were, my maſters, I could not, for the ſoul of me, bring him to alter his manners, or to think otherwiſe [196] than that his breech was, to the full, as honourable as any other part of his rough compoſition."

The keeper's apology for Bruin's want of politeneſs was received with great approbation, and he was deſired to go on with the diverſions.—‘Now, though the minevit might not be to your fancy altogether," ſays the ſhow-man, you ſhall ſee a horn-pipe in ſtyle, and, damme, I defy any of the great play⯑houſes in London to ſhew a better!— the bear ſhall perform againſt any of 'em for a guinea, and I ſay done firſt! why, it's no matter to me if they be⯑long (I'ſe not afraid of my money) to Common-Garden, d'ye ſee, my maſ⯑ters, or the noted Flockton!’

At the cloſe of this inimitable pa⯑negyric on his companion and fellow-traveller, [197] the bear, he gave him a vio⯑lent thump on the head with a ſtick, which, it ſeems, was a ſignal for begin⯑ning, to which the animal had been ſo well uſed, that he immediately began to caper about the ſtage in a ſurpriſing manner.

The poor ſightleſs fiddler was playing the tune of Nancy Dawſon with great eagerneſs, to accommodate his friend Bruin as well as he was able, when the maſter of the ceremonies, not intirely ſatisfied with his pupil's performance, lifted up his ſtick to the ſhaggy actor in a threatening manner, which alarm⯑ed him ſo much, (expecting the terrific motion to be followed by a blow,) that, in the endeavour to retreat from his fu⯑ry, he fell backwards over the maimed muſician, and ſo cruſhed his weather-beaten [198] carcaſs with his ponderous weight, that it was greatly apprehended, by all preſent, that a ſtop was put to his gut-ſcraping talent for ever.

A few yards from the proſtrate vic⯑tim lay the remains of his once-famed violin, from whoſe genial womb he had ſo often called forth the faſcinating ſtrains of melody, to beguile the lazy foot of time, and diſſipate the impreſ⯑ſions of care from the peaſant's mind:— but, alas! it was decreed that it ſhould yield delight no more; for it lay (par⯑ticipating the fate of its maſter) in a ſtate of ruin, and ſhattered into a hun⯑dred pieces.

The lamentable ſituation of the fallen ſon of Apollo ſeemed to awaken the ſoft influence of ſympathy in every breaſt;— the keeper having ſecured the bear, e⯑very [199] attention appeared now to center in the fiddler's cataſtrophe. After rub⯑bing his temples with vinegar, for a few minutes, it was evident that he began to breathe, when a young ſurgeon, who had mingled with the throng, offered his aſſiſtance gratis, and recommended that he ſhould be inſtantly bled, which operation he ſet about performing with⯑out heſitation; and, having tied up his arm; he opened a vein, whence the blood flowed in ſtreams as thick and valuable as ever warmed the frame of an Iriſh king. The wiſer part of the company, foreſeeing that, if he continued to bleed in that manner for a ſhort time longer, it muſt inevitably deprive him of the little life that remained, propoſed bind⯑ing up his arm, to which the ſurgeon aſſented; and he was conveyed to the [200] next houſe to receive ſuch nouriſhment as the perſonal injuries he had ſuffered made neceſſary.

The alertneſs and activity, I had ſhewn in attending upon the poor fiddler, had attracted the notice of the maſter of the ſhow; who, after the buſineſs was con⯑cluded, took occaſion to aſk me ſome queſtions, as, who I was? &c. intermix⯑ing his inquiries with ſome flattering compliments, ſuch as, he believed I was a damned clever boy; and that, if I had a mind to go with him, I ſhould live as merry as the day was long.

Surrounded as I was by diſtreſs, and entirely deſtitute of a friend on whom I could, with any degree of certainty, re⯑ly for a ſhilling, I thought I could not, in my preſent circumſtances, do better than cloſe with the bear-leader's pro⯑poſal; [201] ſo, ſtriking his hand, with a hearty good will, which he held out for that purpoſe, he ſhook it in ſo cordial, and at the ſame time ſo vigorous, a manner, that I thought at firſt he had diſlocated my ſhoulder; but this friendly ſalute, on the part of the ſhow-man, was con⯑ſidered as a ratification of the treaty be⯑tween us, which was now, agreeably to the nature of ſuch bargains, ſigned and ſealed to all intents and purpoſes.

As my new maſter thought that he had gleaned the harveſt of the town pretty well, it was judged expedient, in a full council, compoſed of him, the trumpeter, and myſelf, (for the poor fiddler remained ſo ill, from the rough uſage of the bear, that we were forced to leave him behind,) to move our quarters with all convenient expedition; [202] ſo, after ſecuring Maſter Bruin, (who, I was informed, was apt to be extreme⯑ly unruly, unleſs ſuch a precaution was taken,) and tying up the baboon in a ſack, which was kept for that purpoſe, we depoſited them, and the reſt of our portable furniture in a cart, and, at ex⯑actly half an hour after three the next morning, began our march, taking our route towards the northern part of the kingdom.

As we were tolerably well provided againſt the inconveniences of travelling ſo early, (my maſter having wiſely fur⯑niſhed himſelf with a bottle of whiſkey, and ſome bread baked on an iron grid⯑dle,) we proceeded as joyouſly as we could wiſh, the trumpeter every now and then favouring us with a ſong, the burdens of which I do not think ne⯑ceſſary [203] to repeat; for, though the in⯑tention of the ſhrill, ſenſe-ſtunning, chanter was to oblige us by his vocal eſſays, the compoſition of his favourite ditties was not any ways remarkable for delicacy of expreſſion.

In this care-killing diſpoſition did we paſs along until we came to a little dirty hovel, by the road-ſide, which, by the number of cars that were ranged before the door, we preſently knew to be a kind of caravanſera, or rural hotel, where animals, of all deſcriptions, might be entertained with bed and board, at all the hours of the day and night, for a very ſmall conſideration. It was now reſolved that we ſhould ſtop, and pro⯑cure a freſh ſupply of hay for old Sor⯑rel, the miſerable horſe that drew the cart and its appendages, he having long [204] ſince devoured the quota that was al⯑lotted him at the time we ſet out, and which, for his convenience, was tied in a bundle, and hung immediately under his noſe, that, in order to loſe as little time as poſſible, he might eat and work at the ſame inſtant; and, from what I underſtood, it was a ſtep abſolutely ne⯑ceſſary to be taken; for he was one of thoſe obſtinate kind of quadrupeds that would have his own way, and, if once they neglected to ſatisfy his appetite, the devil might draw the cart for Sorrel.

When we made our entrance into the inn, (the ſides of which were built of mud, cemented with ſtraw, and formed a ſort of wall, about three feet in thick⯑neſs, and covered with thatch, ſo old and ſo productive, that, in many places, it appeared more verdant than the ad⯑jacent [205] fields, by the large quantity of graſs and weeds with which it was co⯑vered over,) I thought myſelf tranſ⯑ported on a ſudden into the regions of darkneſs; which would have been total, but for the faint glimmering of the re⯑mains of a turf fire, which pervaded the ſurrounding gloom from a corner of this wretched hovel. But, though it might, with great truth, be figuratively called the habitation of darkneſs, it was by no means the abode of ſilence; for a variety of voices iſſued from every part of the place at the ſame time, that formed a kind of grating diſcord, which may be conceived by the imagi⯑nation, but is wholly undeſcribable by words.

Feeling myſelf very much chilled by the coldneſs of the morning air, I ven⯑tured [206] to grope my way, as well as I could, to the place where I ſaw the fire, but had not gone three ſteps before I ſtumbled, and, falling over a large warm body, which intercepted my paſſage, I alighted on the other ſide in an inſtant, and unluckily pitched my head right into the face of a drover of cattle, who lay ſnoring upon his back, with his mouth open a foot wide. He no ſooner felt the unwelcome viſit than he grap⯑pled me faſt by the hair of my head, which he held moſt tenaciouſly, while he ſtruck me on the ribs with ſuch fury, that I thought, in my terrors, he had actually drove them into my body, call⯑ing me a little dirty ſpalpeen ſon of a whore. Though by no means equal in ſtrength to my adverſary, I was ſo en⯑raged at the ſmart of the diſcipline I had [207] received, that I returned his favours with all the vigour I was able; and we lay ſtruggling together on the ground for ſome ſeconds, till a cow, (who, it appeared afterwards, was my aſſailant's bedfellow,) being diſturbed by the af⯑fray, got up, turned herſelf about, and, lifting her tail, let fly without any ſort of ceremony, and abſolutely deluged both him and me with the copiouſneſs of her evacuation. On the receipt of this freſh annoyance he quitted his hold, and I crept away, well pleaſed to eſcape the farther effects of his revenge, even in my preſent filthy condition.

The noiſe which we made in this dirty rencounter had, by this time, awa⯑kened ſeveral more of the lodgers in this dreary temple of repoſe, from one of whom iſſued the following queſtion, [208] in a ſound which made me tremble in every limb, very much reſembling that of a boatſwain, with a hoarſeneſs, bel⯑lowing through the ſpeaking-trumpet of a firſt-rate man of war,—‘Blood and ouns, what's all this ye're at and be damned to you?—by the ſweet Jaſus but you are making a pretty ſort of a rumpus, ſo you are!—arrah, mun jowl, you vagabonds, if you're not quiet, in no time at all at all, your ſouls to the devil, but I'll be after running the pitch-fork, up to the hilt, in every whore's ſon of ye, d'ye ſee; — ah! by the Immaculate, into my own ſwate cow herſelf, God bleſs her, ſo I will.’ — To which dreadful threat another voice replies, which, from the dialogue that enſued, we underſtood to be a female's, "Arrah, Darby, now, [209] what makes you be putting yourſelf into ſuch a hell of a paſſion? — can't you be azy, and let 'em fight and be damned:"—when the other roared, No, you Munſter bitch, I won't be azy, nor have my houſe diſturbed at this time of night by any ſpalpeen among them."—"Huſh!" cries the female voice, evidently ſoftening her tone, "huſh! my dare Darby, if you're after talking ſo you'll affront your lodgers, and loſe their cuſtom:"— which prudent hint was taken in ſuch dudgeon by the other, that he anſwered, with great vociferation, ‘What's that you ſay, Miſtreſs Juggy?—I ſhall loſe their cuſtom!—may I never ate ano⯑ther peratee but to the devil I pitch both them and their cuſtom;—and, I'll tell you what, if you don't take a [210] friend's advice, and get up and ſtrike a light immadiately, you notorious whoore of Ireland, I'll be after lea⯑thering your fat carcaſs like a ſack, ſo I will.’ The ſound of the word leather had ſcarcely reached her ear, when (well knowing the inauſpicious omens it conveyed) ſhe leaped up from her long-feathered reſting-place, and, in the twinkling of an eye, began to rake together the aſhes of the turf; at the ſame time kneeling down, ſhe took the candle in one hand, while, with the tongs (made of a twiſted ſapling) ſhe held a piece of turf with the other, and, putting them together, ſhe applied her mouth cloſe to the ſod, and, by the dint of a few blaſts, heaved with force from lungs of no ordinary tex⯑ture, [211] lighted the taper; in conſequence of which, we could, with great eaſe and ſatisfaction, diſtinguiſh each other.

CHAPTER XIV.

BY the aſſiſtance of the light I could eaſily perceive that this public hoſ⯑pitable receptacle was equally open for the accommodation of every kind of ani⯑mal, man included. In the center of the place was erected a kind of temporary manger, under which ſome horſes were [213] extended in a ſound ſleep; and, at their heads, their drivers were employed in the ſame ſalutary paſtime, with their bo⯑dies parallel with the wall.

But what attracted my attention moſt was the ſingular appearance of the lady, who had deigned, in conformity with the commands of her maſter, to illumi⯑nate the filthy hovel. Her perſon was rather of the ſhorteſt, being without her brogues, and beſides, the lady ex⯑poſed ſomewhat too much of the rerum naturae for the eye of modeſty, in height about four feet and an inch;—her figure ſquare, ſquab, and flabby;—and her hair (of which ſhe ſeemed to have a prodigious quantity) was of the deepeſt tint of that obnoxious colour, vulgarly called car⯑roty, part of which hung in wanton ringlets down her ſhoulder, and the re⯑mainder [214] appeared to be tied up as rough and ſtrong as a colt's mane, under the miſerable remnants of a dirty piece of linen, which (ſo indifferent was the fair Juggy in the ornaments of her beauteous perſon) ſerved as a ſuccedaneum for a cap.—Her extremities bore all the marks of a vigorous, muſcular, proportion; particularly her legs, which were coarſe, red, and ſcurfy, and had evidently a ſtrong inclination to be bandy, and the gaſterocnemii of which were as large and ſinewy as thoſe of the Farneſe Hercu⯑les.—This delicate frame of the kind and officious nymph was ſheltered from the rude winds, and more eſpecially from the roving eye of curious and unhallow⯑ed obſervers, by a kind of ſmock, in the colour of which both black and white ſeemed to contend for the ſupe⯑riority; [215] and the back of which (the only part I had the happineſs of ſurvey⯑ing) reached juſt as low down her body as where the moſt ſkilful anatomiſts have thought proper to place the origin of the glutaeus; and from which ſpot com⯑mences the formation of thoſe conve⯑nient, globular, bodies, in the neigh⯑bourhood of which the concurring de⯑terminations of the moſt ſagacious of mankind have placed the ſenſible ſeat of perſonal honour.—I had juſt time to take this curſory ſurvey of her perſon, when the ſpirit of delicacy impelled her to waddle towards the ſtraw, whence ſhe had juſt riſen, and there I left her, gather⯑ing up the tattered remains of her mot⯑ley drapery, to enable her to go through the duties and labour of the approach⯑ing day.

[216]As a kind of general diſturbance had taken place, and ſome of the drovers thought it time to get up, and purſue their ſeveral journies, a conſiderable number had aſſembled round the fire, among whom were myſelf, the ſhow-man, and the trumpeter. After ſome time employed in yawning, rubbing their eyes, and ſhrugging their ſhoul⯑ders, it was propoſed to ſmoke a whiff before they ſet off; and, in conſequence, a ſmall pipe was produced, broke off to the length of two inches, covered with an incruſtation of dirt, and, by the long courſe of ſervice it had ſeen, as black as my hat. This was inſtantly filled with to⯑bacco, and, when properly lighted, was handed, as a teſtimony of good fellow⯑ſhip, round the company, who, each in his turn, took a blaſt for about five mi⯑nutes, [217] and then, without ceremony, un⯑wiped, and reeking warm from the rot⯑ten teeth and gums of their aſſociates, they partook, well pleaſed, refreſhing whiffs from the joy-inſpiring weed.— When the pipe came round to me, it was with the utmoſt loathing of my ſtomach that I accepted of the inſtru⯑ment of ſocial intercourſe; but, appre⯑henſive of appearing to diſlike what all my companions ſeemed to reliſh with ſo high a guſt, I reſolved to make a vir⯑tue of neceſſity, and, taking the pipe, and putting it to my mouth with an intention of ſmoking, a more offenſive ſmell aſſailed my noſe than could poſ⯑ſibly have iſſued from the celebrated box of Madam Pandora, which was reported to contain all that was ſhocking and calamitous to human nature. Under [218] the pretence of tobacco making me ſick, I was obliged to ſhift the pipe to my neighbour, with the beſt grace I was able.

We were now joined by the maitre d' hotel, whoſe gigantic figure corre⯑ſponded with the tremendous ſound of his voice, being a tall, bony, man; in ſtature, when he ſtood upright, at leaſt ſix feet four or five inches, with a griſly black beard; and had on a dirty wool⯑len night-cap, and a frieze great coat thrown looſely over his ſhoulders. In this garb he mixed among his gueſts, and inquired if we were inclined to have any refreſhment before we purſued our journey. Upon my maſter's replying in the affirmative, the kind hoſt was bu⯑ſied in preparing ſome eggs, with a thick cut from a piece of pork that hung [219] in the chimney, dried to that extreme degree, that it was as void of juice, and as hard, as an oak-table; while the ac⯑compliſhed and love-inſpiring Juggy was placing a three-legged ſtool before us, which was intended to ſerve as a table, in lieu of a better; when, all on a ſudden, the whole proceſs of eating was diſturbed, and every one's atten⯑tion engaged, by a noiſe and ſhrieking that ſeemed to alarm the very ele⯑ments.

Juggy, who had been diſpatched for the purpoſe of learning the cauſe of this terrible outcry, ſoon returned, with her hands lifted up in wonder, and her face pale with fear, crying out, Och hone! och hone!—With ſome difficulty we learned, in the midſt of her lamenta⯑tions, that a wild baaſt had bit off the [220] head of Bryan M'Snivel. Upon this information we all ſtarted up in an inſtant, and ran to the ſcene of ac⯑tion.

When we got to our cart, we found a man roaring for aſſiſtance, with his head buried in the ſack in which my maſter had tied up the baboon, and then we ſoon divined the cauſe of this bloody and dreadful adventure, which was ex⯑actly thus.—The ſtock of potatoes at the inn being conſumed, and Juggy ha⯑ving forgot to provide a freſh ſupply on the day before, agreeably to the direc⯑tions of her maſter, had prevailed upon Bryan M'Snivel (who, it ſeems, was one of her humble admirers) to go and fo⯑rage among the cars before their de⯑parture, and get a ſmall quantity out of each ſack; and poor Bryan was ac⯑tually [221] engaged in this friendly buſineſs when he met with the misfortune al⯑luded to; for, coming to our cart, a⯑mong the reſt, and perceiving a ſack (which had formerly held potatoes) faſ⯑tened at the mouth, he ventured to untie it, and thinking, from the poſition it lay in, that the potatoes were at the bottom, he put in his head and ſhoul⯑ders, and was groping about with his left arm, when he clawed hold of the baboon, who, being awaked from a ſound ſleep, was ſo irritated, that he im⯑mediately jumped up, and faſtened his fangs an inch deep in the ſcull of the obliging Darby.

As ſoon as my maſter had diſengaged the poor fellow from the teeth of the grinning animal, and brought his head [222] once more into open day, he made a moſt rueful and ſanguinary appearance; the features of his face were totally diſ⯑figured with the blood that ſtill conti⯑nued to flow without intermiſſion from the wounded head of the diſconſolate lover; indeed, upon examination, the perforation which the angry animal had made was ſo deep, that, had the mis⯑fortune happened to a ſcull of common thickneſs, his teeth muſt have gone clear through the pia-mater into the brain; but Darby's ſeat of underſtanding was caſed, very luckily, with none of thoſe flimſy defences; for, had the baboon penetrated an inch deeper, the wound would have ſtill remained curable.

As the people of the inn ſeemed to leſſen their attention towards us after [223] this accident, we finiſhed our repaſt with great expedition, and, paying the demand, yoked old Sorrel to the cart, and ſet forward on our journey.

CHAPTER XV.

ABOUT ten the ſame morning we arrived ſafe, with all our baggage, at the place of deſtination; and, having depoſited our friend Bruin and his com⯑panion in a place of ſafety, in a barn which my maſter had hired for the pur⯑poſe of his exhibition, we began to per⯑ambulate [225] the town, preceded by our trumpeter.

The nature of my office was to diſ⯑tribute hand-bills among the people, in which were pompouſly ſet forth the ſur⯑priſing wonders that would await their attention at the hour of ſeven in the evening; my maſter farther illuſtrating the deſcription by a ſort of oratory pe⯑culiar to thoſe caterers of amuſement for the vulgar; wherein he did not for⯑get to inform them, that, for the paltry and low conſideration of three-pence a head, they ſhould ſee the greateſt mi⯑racles that ever were brought into Ire⯑land ſince the reign of Broderic, king of Leinſter.

When we had gone through every part of the place, and announced our arrival, we repaired to the barn, to make [226] up a temporary ſtage, and get every thing in readineſs againſt the evening, that no diſappointment might happen to the audience on the firſt night; to provide againſt which my maſter took unuſual pains, knowing it, from expe⯑rience, to be a matter extremely eſſen⯑tial to our future ſucceſs, as the people were generally induced to favour him with their company, in proportion to the account that they heard from thoſe who attended the firſt night.

After Bruin and the baboon were ta⯑ken from their confinement, and fed, we began a private rehearſal of the feats which it was intended ſhould be per⯑formed in the evening; and indeed they acquitted themſelves ſo well, that their leader had ſtrong hopes of acquiring a great ſhare of reputation, and, eventu⯑ally, [227] much profit, by their approaching performances: but, alas! as the wiſeſt of mankind have been deluded by too fond an indulgence of hope, it was no wonder that my maſter ſhould be de⯑ceived, who, certainly, had no great claim to the character of a man of wiſ⯑dom.

At the propoſed time of beginning, the company came pouring into the barn in great numbers; at the ſight of which my maſter was ſo elevated, that he de⯑clared, he believed he ſhould receive more money, in this place, than he had done in any other, ſince he came into that part of the country. Upon my in⯑forming him that there were upwards of eight and forty ſhillings already recei⯑ved, he began to rub his hands, ex⯑claiming, "a lucky hit, by G—d!" [228] when two ſtout fellows came behind the ſcenes, and inſtantly laid hold of his collar, followed by a thick-ſet luſty man, with a ſcarlet cloak and a buſhy wig; who, it appeared at the conclu⯑ſion, was a juſtice of the peace, and li⯑ved within a ſhort mile of the town, and had taken offence, that any perſon ſhould preſume to exhibit their mum⯑meries in that town, without firſt aſking his permiſſion; a compliment, it ſeems, which he had been always uſed to receive from every itinerant vagabond that viſit⯑ed his neighbourhood, from the come⯑dian to the conjurer.

Upon my maſter (who now began to ſmoke the buſineſs) aſking, with great humility, what was the reaſon of his being ſeized in that manner, like a com⯑mon felon, the magiſtrate anſwered, [229] contracting his brows into a moſt fe⯑rocious frown, "Oh! I'll let you know, you dog, the reaſon in proper time; I'll teach you, you vagrant ſcoundrel, to bring your mummery and nonſenſe here, to draw the money out of the pockets of the induſtrious poor, and to debauch, with your vicious ſpec⯑tacles, the morals of the young wo⯑men!—take him away, I ſay, take him away!"—"Aye, but your re⯑verence's worſhip," ſays another of his attendants, "what ſhall we do with the wild beaſtiſes?"—"What!" re⯑plies the ſage pillar of the law, "has he brought the wild beaſts among us too?—Oh! you varlet! I'll have you hanged, you dog, I will!—take him to jail; and, as for his monſters, we will ſecure them in the pound."— [230] I am afraid to go near 'em, your ho⯑nour," ſays the fellow."—"Afraid!" ſays the fat magiſtrate, "afraid of what, you blockhead? why, I ſuppoſe, he has neither got a mermaid, nor a cro⯑codile, nor the huge Behemoth that we read of in the Bible."—"No, your honour," ſays the other, "but he's got a bear and a large monkey." What d'ye ſay? a bear and a mon⯑key only!" ſays the witty juſtice, ha! ha! ha!—I'll puniſh the ſcoun⯑drel for being ſuch an aſs as to bring a bear and a monkey to a place that abounded in ſuch animals long before his arrival! ha! ha! ha!" laughing violently at his own ſarcaſtic remark, and in which the people joined him, though the joke was fabricated at their expence.

[231]The trumpeter, foreſeeing that the end of this unlucky affair would be the total deſtruction of his employer, for whoſe intereſt he had imbibed a regard almoſt equal to his own, reſolved to take ample revenge; and, while this fat terror of all the vagrant tribe was amuſing himſelf with his jeſt, he un⯑chained the bear, and, leading him ſlily to the back of the juſtice, ſlipped off his muzzle in an inſtant, and at the ſame time tripped up the heels of this little diſpenſer of the ſtatutes, and made his eſcape as faſt as he could; which he had ſcarcely put in execution, when the bear, finding himſelf at liberty, began to growl, which affrighted the ſervants of the juſ⯑tice ſo much, that they quitted my maſ⯑ter's collar, and diſappeared in a twink⯑ling; leaving the magiſtrate, who lay [232] ſprawling on the ground, to the mercy of the bear, who no ſooner perceived his prey than he ſeized him by his poſ⯑teriors, and, after ſhaking him for a conſiderable time, with great violence, ran out into the town, through the door which they had left open in their con⯑fuſion, with the little man in his mouth, plunging with his arms and legs to get looſe, and calling out to the people to reſcue him for the love of God. After running with him, in that perilous ſi⯑tuation, above a quarter of a mile, he quitted his hold, and, making acroſs the fields, dropped the juſtice in the middle of the high road, where he was found by his ſervants, in a deep ſwoon, a ſhort time afterwards.

Thus, by a ſeemingly trivial omiſ⯑ſion of reſpect, was the faireſt proſpect [233] of my poor maſter overthrown, perhaps for ever.—What became of him after this adventure I could never learn; for, the inſtant that he got his freedom, he made a moſt precipitate retreat as well as his trumpeter, and left me once more to ramble on the face of the creation, in ſearch of employment to procure me the means of living.

After revolving in my mind the un⯑fortunate train of events that had taken place, I began to think that this was not a place of ſafety for me to remain in, more eſpecially ſince I underſtood that the juſtice was a vindictive man; and, as he was notorious for purſuing every perſon that he could to deſtruction, who was unhappy enough to have given him any umbrage whatever, what was I to expect, who was well known to be a [234] limb of that party which had rendered him a public object of deriſion!—Upon theſe conſiderations I got over a gate, at the back of the barn, and, after croſſ⯑ing ſome fields, came to a cabin, at the the door of which I ſaw an old man ſitting, with a long ſtaff in his hand:— his venerable and ſilver locks, whitened by his infirmities and the hand of time, hung in ſcanty order down his palſied head. I approached him with an air of the moſt profound reſpect, and, inqui⯑ring if he knew a place where I could reſt for that night, he told me, if it ſo pleaſed me, that I might lodge with him; at the ſame time pointing to a ſmall board over the door, on which was painted, ‘Dry lodging for tra⯑vellers,’ which, in my contempla⯑ting [235] the poor old man, who ſat at the entrance, I had not noticed.

After inviting me to a ſhare of his ſeat, which was made of ſods of earth, placed over each other, we entered into diſcourſe, in the progreſs of which I found that my venerable companion had formerly been a conſiderable farmer in that county; but, one misfortune happening upon the back of another had reduced him at laſt to a ſtate of ex⯑treme indigence, at a time of life when the comforts annexed to proſperity are moſt requiſite. I learned that he had been driven out of his laſt farm, and his cattle off the lands, for a year's rent, which he had been rendered unable to pay by a fire that had conſumed a large ſtock of corn, on the produce of which, at market, he ſhould have been [236] enabled to have ſatisfied his landlord, who, I found afterwards, was the very individual juſtice, from whoſe reſent⯑ment I had made my eſcape. Prompt⯑ed by a deſire to be acquainted with his character, my decrepid hoſt complied in the following manner.—‘When Juſtice Guttle firſt came to live in the town of —, he was neither more or leſs than a pettifogging attorney, and, before he had reſided in the place three years, had cauſed more miſ⯑chief and law-ſuits, among its inha⯑bitants, than had been known before in the memory of the oldeſt perſon li⯑ving, and, to do him juſtice, he had rendered himſelf completely deteſtable to all his neighbours: however, having a thorough knowledge of mankind, he always manifeſted it, by oppreſſing [237] the poor and flattering the vices of the rich; and he ſucceeded ſo far, by making himſelf an active inſtrument in a long-conteſted county election, in favour of one 'Squire Bribe'em, who originally owned this manor, that he made him his agent; and that ap⯑pointment was a woeful one to me as well as to his patron; for he had not been in his agency above ten years before he contrived, by one diabolical practice or another, to get the greateſt part of the eſtate into his own hands; and this was the more eaſily effected, as the 'ſquire ſeldom came down among his tenantry in the country, but ſpent his time and his fortune in every ſpecies of riot and diſſipation, till he had reduced himſelf ſo low that he was obliged to live upon a ſmall an⯑nuity [238] in the South of France; while his honeſt agent, the juſtice, keeps a coach and four, kills his own veni⯑ſon, and waſhes it down every day, after dinner, with at leaſt a gallon of claret, to aſſiſt the powers of di⯑geſtion.’

Upon receiving this deſcription of the magiſtrate I ventured to relate to the old man what had paſſed at —; which when he heard, he told me that I had acted a very wiſe part in leaving the town; for it was certain, if ever he got me in his clutches, he would puniſh me, upon one pretence or other, moſt ſeverely; and I might think myſelf hap⯑py to get off with a public whipping, and, at leaſt, a year's impriſonment in the county-jail. I was ſo much alarm⯑ed at this account that I determined to [239] get up at day-break the next morning, leſt, by ſome untoward accident, it might be diſcovered that I was in the vicinity of the place.

We were now joined by a maimed ſoldier and his wife, with a young child at her back, which ſhe contrived to keep there by tying the two ends of her gown together, and forming a ſort of bag, in which the child ſlept in perfect ſecurity. Having lodged at the cabin before, they all three walked into the houſe without any ſort of ceremony, calling for ſome ale. After the war⯑rior and his yokefellow had refreſhed themſelves, he came out with the mug in his hand, and offered it to the old man, who refuſed his kindneſs, by in⯑forming him that he had juſt been drinking; upon which he handed the [240] mug to me, ſaying, ‘Here, my lad, you will drink, I ſuppoſe, though the landlord won't.’ Thanking him for his kindneſs, I took the mug, and drank to his good health. — ‘Thankee, thankee, my lad,’ ſaid he; and, ſit⯑ting down between me and the reverend hoſt, he began to make ſome remarks upon the fineneſs of the evening; at the ſame time telling us, unaſked, that he had travelled a good forty miles that day, and, being damnably tired, why, he did not care how ſoon he began to take a comfortable ſnooſe.