Q. HORATII FLACCI
SERMO II. L. I.
TEXTUM Recenſuit V. R. RICARDUS BENTLEIUS, S.T.P. 1
[]AMbubajarum collegia, pharmacopolae,
Mendici, mimae, balatrones; hoc genus omne
Maeſtum ac ſollicitum eſt cantoris morte Tigelli:
Quippe Benignus erat—
—Contra hic, ne prodigus eſſe
Dicatur, metuens, inopi dare nolit amico,
Frigus quo duramque famem depellere poſſit.
[2]Hunc ſi perconteris, avi cur atque parentis
Praeclaram ingrata ſeringat malus ingluvie rem,
Omnia conductis coemens obſonia nummis:
"Sordidus, atque animi quod parvi nolit haberi,"
Reſpondet. laudatur ab his, culpatur ab illis.
Fufidius vappae famam timet ac nebulonis,
Dives agris, dives poſitis in fenore nummis.
Quinas hic capiti mercedes exſecat; atque
Quanto perditior quiſque eſt, tanto acrius urguet.
Nomina ſectatur, modo ſumta veſte virili
Sub patribus duris, tironum. Maxime, quis non,
Juppiter, exclamat, ſimul atque audivit? "At in ſe
"Pro quaeſtu ſumtum facit hic". Vix credere poſſis
Quam ſibi non ſit amicus: ita ut Pater ille, Terenti
Fabula quem miſerum gnato vixiſſe fugato
Inducit, non ſe pejus cruciaverit atque hic.
Si quis nunc quaerat, Quo res haec pertinet? Illuc:
Dum vitant ſtulti vitia, in contraria currunt.
[3]Malchinus tunicis demiſſis ambulat: eſt qui
Inguen ad obſcaenum ſubductis uſque facetus:
Paſtillos Rufillus olet, Gargonius hircum.
Nil medium eſt. ſunt qui nolint tetigiſſe, niſi illas,
Quarum ſubſuta talos tegat inſtita veſte:
Contra alius nullam, niſi olente in fornice ſtantem.
Quidam notus homo cum exiret fornice; "Macte
"Virtute eſto, inquit ſententia dia Catonis,
"Nam ſimul ac venas inflavit tetra libido,
"Huc juvenes aequum eſt deſcendere, non alienas
"Permolere uxores.—
—Nolim laudarier, inquit,
Sic me, mirator CUNNI CUPIENNIUS ALBI
* Audire eſt operae pretium, procedere recte
Qui moechos non voltis, ut omni parte laborent;
[4]Utque illis multo corrupta dolore voluptas,
Atque haec rara, cadat dura inter ſaepe pericla.
Hic ſe praecipitem tecto dedit: ille flagellis
Ad mortem caeſus: fugiens hic decidet acrem
Praedonum in turbam: dedit hic pro corpore num⯑mos:
Hunc perminxerunt calones; quin etiam illud
Accidit, ut * cuidam TESTIS, CAUDAMQUE SALACEM
Demeterent ferro. jure omnes. Galba negabat.
Tutior at quanto merx eſt in claſſe ſecunda!
Libertinarum dico: Salluſtius in qua
Non minus inſanit, quam qui moechatur. at hic ſi,
Qua res, qua ratio ſuaderet, quaque modeſte
Munifico eſſe licet, vellet bonus atque benignus
Eſſe; daret quantum ſatis eſſet, nec ſibi damno
Dedecorique foret. verum hoc ſe amplectitur uno,
[5]Hoc amat & laudat: Matronam nullam ego tango.
Ut quondam Marſaeus amator Originis, ille
Qui patrium mimae donat fundumque laremque,
Nilfuerit mi, inquit, cum uxoribus umquam alienis.
Verum eſt cum mimis, eſt cum meretricibus: unde
Fama malum gravius, quam res, trahit. an tibi abunde
Perſonam ſatis eſt, non illud, quicquid ubique
Officit, evitare? bonam deperdere famam,
Rem patris oblimare, malum eſt ubicumque. quid inter
Eſt in matrona, ancilla, pecceſne togata?
Villius in Fauſta Sullae gener, hoc miſer uno
Nomine deceptus, poenas dedit uſque, ſuperque
Quam ſatis eſt; pugnis caeſus, ferroque petitus,
Excluſus fore, cum Longarenus foret intus.
Huic ſi, mutonis verbis, mala tanta videnti
Diceret haec animus: Quid vis tibi? numquid ego a te
[6]Magno prognatum depoſco conſule
* CUNNUM,
Velatumque ſtola, mea cum conferbuit ira?
Quid reſponderet? Magno patre nata puella eſt.
At quanto meliora monet, pugnantiaque iſtis
Dives opis natura ſuae! ut ſi modo recte
Diſpenſare velis, ac non fugienda petendis
Inmiſcere.
—Tuo vitio, rerumne labores,
Nil referre putas? quare, ne poeniteat te,
Deſine matronas ſectarier: unde laboris
Plus haurire mali eſt, quam ex re decerpere fructus.
[7]Nec magis huic, inter niveos viridiſque lapillos
Sit licet, o Cerinthe, tuo tenerum eſt femur, aut crus
Rectius: atque etiam melius perſaepe togatae eſt.
Adde huc, quod mercem ſine fucis geſtat; aperte
Quod venale habet, oſtendit; neque ſi quid honeſti eſt
Jactat habetque palam, quaerit quo turpia celet.
Regibus hic mos eſt, ubi equos mercantur; opertos
Inſpiciunt: ne ſi facies, ut ſaepe, decora
Molli fulta pede eſt; emtorem ducat hiantem,
Quod pulchrae clunes, breve quod caput, ardua cer⯑vix.
Hoc illi recte. Tu corporis optima Lyncei
Contemplare occulis; Hypſaea caecior, illa
Quae mala ſunt, ſpectas. O crus, o brachia! verum
Depugis, naſuta, brevi latere, ac pede longo eſt.
Matronae, praeter faciem, nil cernere poſſis;
Caetera, ni Catia eſt, demiſſia veſte tegentis.
[8]Si interdicta petes, vallo circumdata, (nam te
Hoc facit inſanum) multae tibi tum officient res;
Cuſtodes, lectica, ciniflones, paraſitae;
Ad talos ſtola demiſſa, & circumdata palla:
Plurima, quae invideant pure adparere tibi rem.
Altera nil obſtat: Cois tibi pene videre eſt
Ut nudam; ne crure malo, ne ſit pede turpi:
Metiri poſſis oculo latus. an tibi mavis
Inſidias fieri, pretiumque avellier, ante
Quam mercem oſtendi?
—LEPOREM venator ut alta
In nive ſectetur, poſitum ſic tangere nolit:
Cantat, & adponit, MEUS eſt amor huic ſimilis: nam
Tranſvolar in medio poſita, & fugientia captat.
Hiſcine verſiculis ſperas tibi poſſe dolores,
Atque aeſtus, curaſque gravis e pectore tolli?
Nonne, cupidinibus ſtatuat natura modum quem,
Quid latura, ſibi quid ſit dolitura negatum,
Quacrere plus prodeſt; & inane abſcindere ſoldo?
[9]Num, tibi cum faucis urit ſitis, aurea quaeris
Pocula? num eſuriens faſtidis omnia praeter
* Pavonem, rhombumque? tument tibi cum in
⯑guina, num, ſi
Ancilla aut verna eſt praeſto puer, impetus in quem
Continuo fiat, malis tentigine rumpi?
Non ego: namque parabilem amo venerem, faci⯑lemque.
ILLAM, Poſt paullo, Sed pluris, Si exierit vir,
Gallis: Hanc, Philodemus ait ſibi, quae neque magno
Stet pretio; nec cunctetur, cum eſt juſſa venire.
Candida rectaque ſit; munda hactenus, ut neque longa,
Nec magis alba velit, quam det natura, videri.
Haec, ubi ſuppoſuit dextro corpus mihi laevum,
Ilia & Egeria eſt: do nomen quodlibet illi.
[10]Nec vereor, ne, dum futuo, vir rure recurrat;
Janua frangatur; latret canis; undique magno
Pulſa domus ſtrepitu reſonet: ne pallida lecto
Deſiliat mulier; miſeram ſe conſcia clamet;
Cruribus haec metuat, doti haec deprenſa, egomet mi.
Diſcincta tunica fugienda eſt, ac pede nudo;
Ne nummi pereant, aut puga, aut denique fama.
Deprendi miſerum eſt: Fabio vel judice vincam.
SOBER ADVICE From HORACE.
Imitated from his SECOND SERMON.
[]THE Tribe of Templars, Play'rs, Apothe⯑caries,
Pimps, Poets, Wits, Lord Fanny's, Lady Mary's,
And all the Court in Tears, and half the Town,
Lament dear charming O [...]f [...]ld, dead and gone!
Engaging O [...]f [...]ld! who, with Grace and Eaſe,
Could joyn the Arts, to ruin, and to pleaſe.
Not ſo, who of Ten Thouſand gull'd her Knight,
Then ask'd Ten Thouſand for a ſecond Night:
The Gallant too, to whom ſhe pay'd it down;
Liv'd to refuſe that Miſtreſs half a Crown.
[2]Con. Ph-l-ps cries, "A ſneaking Dog I hate."
That's all three Lovers have for their Eſtate!
"Treat on, treat on," is her eternal Note,
And Lands and Tenements go down her Throat.
Some damn the Jade, and ſome the Cullies blame,
But not Sir H [...]t, for he does the ſame.
With all a Woman's Virtues but the P [...]x,
Fufidia thrives in Money, Land, and Stocks:
For Int'reſt, ten per Cent. her conſtant Rate is;
Her Body? hopeful Heirs may have it gratis.
She turns her very Siſter to a Job,
And, in the Happy Minute, picks your Fob:
Yet ſtarves herſelf, ſo little her own Friend,
And thirſts and hungers only at one End:
A Self-Tormentor, worſe than (in the
* Play)
The Wretch, whoſe Av'rice drove his Son away.
But why all this? Beloved, 'tis my Theme:
"Women and Fools are always in Extreme.
Rufa's at either end a Common-Shoar,
Sweet Moll and Jack are Civet-Cat and Boar:
[3] Nothing in Nature is ſo lewd as Peg,
Yet, for the World, ſhe would not ſhew her Leg!
While baſhful Jenny, ev'n at Morning-Prayer,
* Spreads her Fore-Buttocks to the Navel bare.
But diff'rent Taſte in diff'rent Men prevails,
And one is fired by Heads, and one by Tails;
Some feel no Flames but at the Court or Ball,
And others hunt white Aprons in the Mall.
My Lord of Lo [...]n, chancing to remark
A noted Dean much buſy'd in the Park,
"Proceed (he cry'd) proceed, my Reverend Brother,
"'Tis Fornicatio ſimplex, and no other:
"Better than luſt for Boys, with Pope and Turk,
"Or others Spouſes, like
† my Lord of
[...]May no ſuch Praiſe (cries J [...]s) e'er be mine!
J [...]s, who bows at Hi [...]sb [...]w's hoary Shrine.
All you, who think the City ne'er can thrive,
Till ev'ry Cuckold-maker's flea'd alive;
[4] Attend, while I their Miſeries explain,
And pity Men of Pleaſure ſtill in Pain!
Survey the Pangs they bear, the Riſques they run,
Where the moſt lucky are but laſt undone.
See wretched Monſieur flies to ſave his Throat,
And quits his Miſtreſs, Money, Ring, and Note!
K [...] of his Footman's borrow'd Livery ſtript,
By worthier Footmen piſt upon and whipt!
Plunder'd by Thieves, or Lawyers which is worſe,
One bleeds in Perſon, and one bleeds in Purſe;
This meets a Blanket, and that meets a Cudgel—
And all applaud the Juſtice—All, but
* B [...]l.How much more ſafe, dear Countrymen! his State,
Who trades in Frigates of the ſecond Rate?
And yet ſome Care of S [...]ſt ſhould be had,
Nothing ſo mean for which he can't run mad;
His Wit confirms him but a Slave the more,
And makes a Princeſs whom he found a Whore.
The Youth might ſave much Trouble and Expence,
Were he a Dupe of only common Senſe.
[5] But here's his point; A Wench (he cries) for me!
"I never touch a Dame of Quality.
To P [...]l [...]r's Bed no Actreſs comes amiſs,
He courts the whole Perſonae Dramatis:
He too can ſay, "With Wives I never ſin."
But Singing-Girls and Mimicks draw him in.
Sure, worthy Sir, the Diff'rence is not great,
With whom you loſe your Credit and Eſtate?
This, or that Perſon, what avails to ſhun?
What's wrong is wrong, wherever it be done:
The Eaſe, Support, and Luſtre of your Life,
Deſtroy'd alike with Strumpet, Maid, or Wife.
What puſh'd poor E [...]s on th' Imperial Whore?
'Twas but to be where CHARLES had been before.
The fatal Steel unjuſtly was apply'd,
When not his Luſt offended, but his Pride:
Too hard a Penance for defeated Sin,
Himſelf ſhut out, and Jacob Hall let in.
Suppoſe that honeſt Part that rules us all,
Should riſe, and ſay—"Sir Robert! or Sir Paul!
[6] "Did I demand, in my moſt vig'rous hour,
"A Thing deſcended from the Conqueror?
"Or when my pulſe beat higheſt, aſk for any
"Such Nicety, as Lady or Lord Fanny?—
What would you anſwer? Could you have the Face,
When the poor Suff'rer humbly mourn'd his Caſe,
To cry, "You weep the Favours of her
† GRACE?
Hath not indulgent Nature ſpread a Feaſt,
But Man corrupt, perverſe in all his ways,
In ſearch of Vanities from Nature ſtrays:
Yea, tho' the Bleſſing's more than he can uſe,
Shuns the permitted, the forbid purſues!
Weigh well the Cauſe from whence theſe Evils ſpring,
'Tis in thyſelf, and not in God's good Thing:
Then, leſt Repentance puniſh ſuch a Life,
Never, ah, never! kiſs thy Neighbour's Wife.
[7]Firſt, Silks and Diamonds veil no finer Shape,
Or plumper Thigh, than lurk in humble Crape:
And ſecondly, how innocent a Belle
Is ſhe who ſhows what Ware ſhe has to ſell;
Not Lady-like, diſplays a milk-white Breaſt,
And hides in ſacred Sluttiſhneſs the reſt.
Our ancient Kings (and ſure thoſe Kings were wiſe,
Who judg'd themſelves, and ſaw with their own Eyes)
A War-horſe never for the Service choſe,
But ey'd him round, and ſtript off all the Cloaths;
For well they knew, proud Trappings ſerve to hide
A heavy Cheſt, thick Neck, or heaving Side.
But Fools are ready Chaps, agog to buy,
Let but a comely Fore-hand ſtrike the Eye:
No Eagle ſharper, every Charm to find,
To all defects, Ty [...]y not ſo blind:
Gooſe-rump'd, Hawk-nos'd, Swan-footed, is my Dear?
They'l praiſe her Elbow, Heel, or Tip o'th' Ear.
A Lady's Face is all you ſee undreſs'd;
(For none but Lady M [...] ſhow'd the Reſt)
[8] But if to Charms more latent you pretend,
What Lines encompaſs, and what Works defend!
Dangers on Dangers! obſtacles by dozens!
Spies, Guardians, Gueſts, old Women, Aunts, and Cozens!
Could you directly to her Perſon go,
Stays will obſtruct above, and Hoops below,
And if the Dame ſays yes, the Dreſs ſays no.
Not thus at N [...]dh [...]m's; your judicious Eye
May meaſure there the Breaſt, the Hip, the Thigh!
And will you run to Perils, Sword, and Law,
All for a Thing you ne're ſo much as ſaw?
"The Hare once ſeiz'd, the Hunter heeds no more
"The little Scut he ſo purſu'd before,
"Love follows flying Game (as Sucklyn ſings)
"And 'tis for that the wanton Boy has Wings."
Why let him Sing—but when you're in the Wrong,
Think you to cure the Miſchief with a Song?
Has Nature ſet no bounds to wild Deſire?
No Senſe to guide, no Reaſon to enquire,
What ſolid Happineſs, what empty Pride?
And what is beſt indulg'd, or beſt deny'd?
[9] If neither Gems adorn, nor Silver tip
The flowing Bowl, will you not wet your Lip?
When ſharp with Hunger, ſcorn you to be fed,
Except on Pea-Chicks, at the Bedford-head?
Or, when a tight, neat Girl, will ſerve the Turn,
In errant Pride continue ſtiff, and burn?
I'm a plain Man, whoſe Maxim is profeſt,
"The Thing at hand is of all Things the beſt.
But Her who will, and then will not comply,
Whoſe Word is If, Perhaps, and By-and-by,
Z [...]ds! let ſome Eunuch or Platonic take—
So B [...]t cries, Philoſopher and Rake!
Who aſks no more (right reaſonable Peer)
Than not to wait too long, nor pay too dear.
Give me a willing Nymph! 'tis all I care,
Extremely clean, and tolerably fair,
Her Shape her own, whatever Shape ſhe have,
And juſt that White and Red which Nature gave.
Her I tranſported touch, tranſported view,
And call her Angel! Goddeſs! M [...]ue!
[10] No furious Husband thunders at the Door;
No barking Dog, no Houſhold in a Roar;
From gleaming Swords no ſhrieking Women run;
No wretched Wife cries out, Undone! Undone!
Seiz'd in the Fact, and in her Cuckold's Pow'r,
She kneels, ſhe weeps, and worſe! reſigns her Dow'r.
Me, naked me, to Poſts, to Pumps they draw,
To Shame eternal, or eternal Law.
Oh Love! be deep Tranquility my Luck!
*No Miſtreſs H [...]yſh [...]m near, no Lady B [...]ck!
For, to be taken, is the Dev'll in Hell;
This Truth, let L [...]l, J [...]ys, O [...]w tell.
FINIS.