LAW IS A Bottomleſs-Pit. Exemplified in the CASE of The Lord Strutt, John Bull, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon. Who ſpent all they had in a Law-Suit. [...]rinted from a Manuſcript found in the Cabinet of the famous Sir Humphry Poleſworth.
LONDON: Printed for John Morphew, near Stationer's-Hall. 1712. (Price 2d.)
I Need not tell you of the great Quarrels that have happen'd in our Neighbourhood, ſince the Death of the late Lord Strutt; how the Parſon and a cunning Attorney got him to ſettle his Eſtate upon his Couſin Philip Baboon, to the great diſappoint⯑ment of his Couſin Eſquire South. Some ſtick not to ſay, that the Parſon and the Attorney forg'd a Will, for which they were well Paid by the Family of the Ba⯑boons: Let that be as it will, it is matter of Fact, that the Honour and Eſtate have continued ever ſince in the Perſon of Philip Baboon.
You know that the Lord Strutts have for many Years been poſſeſs'd of a very great Landed Eſtate, well con⯑dition [...]d, wooded, water [...]d, with Coal, Salt, Tin, Cop⯑per, Iron, &c. all within themſelves; that it has been the Misfortune of that Family, to be the Property of their Stewards, Tradeſmen, and inferior Servants, which has brought great Incumbrances upon them; at the ſame time not abating of their expenſive way of Living, has forc'd them to Mortgage their beſt Manors: It is credibly reported, that the Butchers and Bakers Bills of a Lord Strutt that lived Two hundred Years ago▪ are not yet paid.
When Philip Baboon came firſt to the Poſſeſſion of the Lord Strutt's Eſtate, his Tradeſmen as is uſual upon ſuch Occaſions, waited upon him to wiſh him Joy, and beſpeak his Cuſtom: The two chief were John Bull the Clothier, and Nic. Frog the Linnen-draper; they told him, that the Bulls and Frogs had ſerv'd the Lord Strutts with Drapery Ware for many Years; that they were honeſt and fair Dealers; that their Bills had never been queſtion'd; that the Lord Strutts lived generouſly, and never us'd to dirty their Fingers with Pen, Ink, and Counters; that his Lordſhip might depend upon their Honeſty, that they would uſe him as kindly as they had [] [...]ne his Predeceſſors. The young Lord ſeem [...]d to [...] all in good Part, and diſmiſs'd them with a deal of [...] Content, aſſuring them he did not intend to [...] any of the honourable Maxims of his Predeceſſors.
IT happen'd unfortunately for the Peace of our Ne [...] ⯑bourhood, that this Young Lord had an old cunni [...] Rogue (or as the Scots call it) a falſe Loon of a Gra [...] ⯑father, that one might juſtly call a Jack of all Tra [...] ſometimes you would ſee him behind his Counter ſell [...] Broad Cloth, ſometimes meaſuring Linnen, next Day [...] would be dealing in Mercery Ware; high heads, R [...] ⯑bons, Gloves, Fans and Lace he underſtood to a nice [...] Charles Mather could not bubble a young Beau bet [...] with a Toy; nay, he would deſcend even to the ſell [...] of Tape, Garters, and Shooe-buckles: When Shop [...] ſhut up, he would go about the Neighbourhood and ea [...] Half a Crown by teaching the young Men and Maids [...] Dance. By theſe Methods he had acquir'd imme [...] Riches. which he us'd to ſquander away at Back-Swor [...] Quarter-Staff, and Cudgel play, in which he took gre [...] Pleaſure, and challeng'd all the Country. You will [...] it is no wonder if Bull and Frog ſhould be jealous of th [...] F [...]llow. ‘It is not impoſſible (ſays Frog to Bull) but th [...] old Rogue will take the Management of the [...]ou [...] Lord's Buſineſs into his Hands; beſides, the Raſc [...] has good Ware, and will ſerve him as cheap as a [...] body in that Caſe: I leave you to judge what mu [...] become of us and our Families, we muſt ſtarve or tu [...] Journeymen to Lewis Baboon; therefore Neighbou [...] I hold it adviſeable, that we write to young Lor [...] Strutt, to know the Bottom of this Matter.’
I Suppoſe your Lordſhip knows that the Bulls and the Frog have ſerved the Lord Strutts with all Sorts of Draper Ware, Time out of Mind; and whereas we are jealous [] not without Reaſon, that your Lordſhip intends henceforth to buy of your Grandſire old Lewis Baboon; This is to inform your Lordſhip, that this Procceediug does not ſuit with the Circumſtances of our Families, who have lived and made a good Figure in the World by the Generoſity of the Lord Strutts: Therefore we think fit to acquaint your Lordſhip, that you muſt find ſufficient Security to us, our Heirs and Aſſigns, that you will not employ Lewis Baboon, or elſe we take our Reme⯑dy at Law clap an Action upon you of 20000 l. for old Debts, ſeize and diſtrain your Goods and Chattels, which, conſider⯑ing your Lordſhip's Circumſtances, will plunge you into Diffi⯑culties, from which it will not be eaſie to extricate your ſelf; therefore we hope, when your Lordſhip has better conſider'd on it, you will comply with the Deſire of
Some of Bull's Friends adviſed him to take gentler Methods with the young Lord; but John naturally lov'd rough play. It is impoſſible to expreſs the Surprize of the Lord Strutt upon the Receipt of his Letter, he was not fluſh in Ready, either to go to Law or clear old Debts, neither could he find good Bail: He offer'd to bring Matters to a friendly Accommodation; and promis'd upon his Word of Honour, that he would not change his Drapers; but all to no purpoſe, for Bull and Frog ſaw clearly, that old Lewis would have the Cheating of him.
ALL Endeavours of Accommodation between Lord Strutt and his Drapers prov'd vain, Jealouſies encreas [...]d and indeed it was rumour'd abroad that Lord Strutt had beſpoke his new Liveries of old Lewis Baboon. This coming to Mrs. Bull's Ears, when John Bull came Home he found all his Family in an up⯑roar. Mrs. Bull, you muſt know, was very apt to be Cholerick. You Sot, ſays ſhe you loyter about Alehouſes and Taverns, ſpend your Time [...]t Billiards, Nine-pins or Puppet⯑ſhows, or flaunt about the Stre [...]ts in your new gilt Chariot, never minding me nor your numerous Family; don't you hear [] how Lord Strutt has beſpoke his Liveries at Lewis Baboon's shop? don't you ſee how that old Fox ſteals away your Custo⯑mers, and turns you out of your Buſineſs every Day, and you ſit like an idle Drone with your Hands in your Pockets? Fie [...], up Man, rouze thy ſelf; I [...]ll ſell to my Shift before [...]ll be ſo uſed by that Knave. You muſt think Mrs. Bull had been pretty well tun'd up by Frog, who chim'd in with her learn [...]d Harangue. No further delay now, but to Counſel learn'd in the Law they go, who unanimouſly aſſur'd 'em both of the Juſtice and infallible Succeſs of their Law-Suit.
I told you before, that old Lewis Baboon was a ſort of a Jack of all Trades, which made the reſt of the Tradeſ⯑men jealous, as well as Bull and Frog; they hearing of the Quarrel, were glad of an opportunity of joyning againſt old Lewis Baboon, provided that Bull and Frog would bear the Charges of the Suit; even Lying Ned the Chimney-ſweeper and Tom the Duſt-man put in their Claims, and the Cauſe was put into the Hands of Hum⯑phrey Hocus the Attorney.
A Declaration was drawn up to ſhew, ‘That Bull and Frog had undoubted Right by Preſcription to be Dra⯑pers to the Lord Strutts; that there were ſeveral old Contracts to that purpoſe; that Lewis Baboon had taken up the Trade of Clothier and Draper, without ſerving his Time, or purchaſing his Freedom; that he ſold Goods that were not Marketable, without the Stamp; that he himſelf was more fit for a Bully than a Tradeſ⯑man, and went about through all the Country Fairs, challenging People to fight Prizes, Wreſtling and Cudgel-play: And abundance more to this purpoſe.’
FOR the better underſtanding the following Hiſtory, the Reader ought to know, That Bull, in the main, was an honeſt plain-dealing Fellow, Chole⯑rick, Bold, and of a very unconſtant Temper; he dreaded not Old Lewis either at Back-Sword, ſingle Fauchion, or Cudgel-play; but then he was very apt to quarrel with his beſt Friends, eſpecially if they pretended to govern him: If you f [...]atter'd him▪ you might lead him like a Child. John's Temper depended very much up⯑on [] the Air; his Spirits roſe and fell with the Weather-glaſs. John was quick, and underſtood his Buſineſs very well, but no Man alive was more careleſs, in looking into his Ac⯑counts, or more cheated by Partners, Apprentices, and Servants: This was occaſioned by his being a Boon-Com⯑panion, loving his Bottle and his Diverſion; for to ſay Truth, no Man kept a better Houſe than John, nor ſpent his Money more generouſly. By plain and fair dealing, John had acquir'd ſome Plumbs, and might have kept them, had it not been for his unhappy Law-Suit.
Nic. Frog was a cunning fly Whore [...]on, quite the reverſe of John in many Particulars; Covetous, Frugal; minded domeſtick Affairs; would pine his Belly to ſave his Pocket, never loſt a Farthing by careleſs Servants, or bad Debtors: He did not care much for any ſort of Diverſions, except Tricks of High-German Artiſts, and Leger de main; no Man exceeded Nic. in theſe, yet it muſt be own'd, That Nic. was a fair Dealer, and in that way had acquir'd im⯑menſe Riches.
Hocus was an old cunning Attorney, what he wanted of Ski [...]l in Law, was made up by a Clerk which he kept, that was the prettieſt Fel [...]ow in the World; he lov'd Money, was ſmooth Tongu'd, gave good Words, and ſeldom loſt his Temper: He was not worſe than an Infidel; for he pro⯑vided plentifu [...]ly for his Family, but he lov'd himſelf better than them all: He had a termagant Wiſe, and, as the Neighbours ſaid, was plaguy Hen-peck'd; he was ſeldom ob [...]erv'd, as ſome At [...]ornies will practice to give his own perſonal Evidence in Cauſes; he rather choſe to do it per teſt. conduct. in a word, the Man was very well for an At⯑torney.
LAW is a Bottomleſs Pit, it is a Cormorant, a Harpy that devours every thing; John Bull was flatter'd by his Lawyers that his Suit would not laſt above a Year or two at moſt; that before that time he would be in quiet Poſſeſſion of his Buſineſs; yet ten long Years did Hocus ſteer his Cauſe through all the Meanders of the Law, and [...]all the Courts; no Skill, no Addreſs, was wan⯑ting; and to ſay Truth, John did not ſtarve the Cauſe: there wanted not Tellow Boys to ſee Counſel, hire Wit⯑neſſes, and bribe Juries. Lord Strutt was generally Caſt, [] never had one Verdict in his favour; and John was pro⯑mis'd. That the next would be the final Determination; but alas! that final Determination, and happy Concluſion was like an inchanted Iſland, the nearer John came to it, the further it went from him: New Tryals upon new Points ſtill aroſe; new Doubts, new Matters to be cleared in ſhort. Lawyers ſeldom part with ſo good a Cauſe ti [...] they have got the Oyſter, and their Clients the Shell, John Money, Book Debts, Bonds, Mortgages, all went into the Lawyers Pockets; then John began to borrow Money up in Bank-Stock, Eaſt-India Bonds, and now and then [...] Farm went to Pot: At laſt it was thought a good Ex⯑pedient to ſet up Eſquire South's Title to prove the Wi [...] Forg'd, and diſpoſſeſs Philip Lord Strutt at once; here a gain was a new Field for the Lawyers, and the Caul grew more intricate than ever. John grew madder and madder: Wherever he met any of Lord Strutt's Ser⯑vants he tore off their Cloaths: Now and then you would ſee them come home naked, without Shoes Stockings and Linnen. As for Old Lewis Baboon, he was reduc'd to his laſt Shift, tho' he had as many as any o⯑ther: His Children were reduced from rich Silks to Doi [...] Stuff [...], his Servants in Rags and bare-Footed, inſtead or good Victuals, they now lived upon Neck-Beeſ, and Bullocks-Liver; in ſhort, no Body got much by the Matter but the Men of Law.
IT is wiſely obſerved by a great Philoſopher, That Ha [...] bit is a ſecond Nature: This was verify'd in the Caſe o [...] John Bull, who from an honeſt and plain Tradeſ⯑man, had got ſuch a haunt about the Courts of Juſtice and ſuch a Jargon of Law-words, that he concluded himſelf as able a Lawyer, as any that pleaded at the Bar, or ſat on the Bench: He was overheard one day, talking to himſelf after this manner, ‘How capriciouſly does Fate or Chance diſpoſe of Mankind? How ſeldom is that Buſineſs allotted to a Man for which he is fitted by Nature? It is plain, I was intended for a Man of Law: How did my Guardians miſtake my Genius. in placing me, like a mean Slave, behind a Counter? [] Bleſs me! What immenſe Eſtates theſe Fellows raiſe by the Law? Beſides, it is the Profeſſion of a Gentle⯑man: What a Pleaſure it is to be victorious in a Cauſe? To ſwagger at the Bar? What a Fool am I to drudge any more in this Woollen Trade? for a Lawyer I was born, and a Lawyer I will be; one is never too Old to learn▪’ All this while John had con'd over ſuch a Catalogue of hard words, as were enough to conjure up the Devil; theſe he uſed to bubble indifferently in all Companies, eſpecially at Coffee-houſes; ſo that his Neighbour Tradeſmen began to ſhun his Company as a Man that was crack [...]d. Inſtead of the Affairs of Black⯑well-Hall, and Price of Broad-cloath, Wooll, and Bayſes, he talk'd of nothing but Actions upon the Caſe, Returns, Capias, alias capias, Demurrers, Venire facias, Replevins, Superſedea's, Certiorari's, Writs of Error, Actions of Trovre and Converſion, Treſpaſſes, Precipes & Dedimus: This was matter of Jeſt to the learned in Law; however Hocus and the reſt of the Tribe, encourag'd John in his Fancy, aſ⯑ſuring him, That he had a great Genius for Law: That they queſtion'd not but in time, he might raiſe Money enough by it to reimburſe him of all his Charges; That if he ſtudy'd, he would undoubtedly arrive to the Dignity of a Lord Chief Juſtice: as for the Advice of honeſt Friends and Neighbours, John deſpis'd it; he look'd up⯑on them as Fellows of a low Genius, poor grovelling Mechanicks; John reckon'd it more Honour to have got one favourable Verdict than to have ſold a Bale of Broad-cloath. As for Nic. Frog, to ſay the Truth, he was more prudent, for tho' he follow'd his Law-Suit cloſely, he neglected not his Ordinary Buſineſs. but was both in Court and in his Shop at the proper Hours.
JOhn had not run on a madding ſo long had it not been for an extravagant Bitch of a Wife, whom Hocus perceiving John to be fond of, reſolv'd to win over to his ſide. It is a true ſaying, That the laſt Man of the Pariſh that knows of his Cuckoldom, is himſelf. It 'twas obſerved by all the Neighbourhood, that Hocus had Dealings with John's Wife, that were not ſo much for [] his Honour; but this was perceiv'd by John a little too late: She was a luxurious Jade, lov'd ſplendid Equipages, Plays, Treats, and Ba [...]ls, differing very much from the ſober Manners of her Anceſtors, and by no means fit for a Tradeſman's Wife. Hocus fed [...]er Extravagancy (what was ſtill more ſhameful) with John's own Money. Every body ſaid that Hocus had a Months mind to her Body; be that as it will, it is matter of Fact, that up⯑on all occaſions ſhe run out extravagantly on the Praiſe of Hocus. When John us'd to be finding fault with his Bills, ſhe us'd to reproach him as ungrateful to his great⯑eſt Benefactor; One that had taken ſo much pains in his Law-Suit, and retriev'd his Family from the Oppreſ⯑ſion of old Lewis Baboon. A good ſwinging Sum of John's readieſt Caſh, went towards building of Hocus's Country Houſe. This Affair between Hocus and Mrs. Bull was now ſo open, that all the World were ſcandaliz'd at it; John was not ſo Clod-pated, but at laſt he took the Hint. The Parſon of the Pariſh Preaching one Day a little ſharp⯑ly againſt Adultery, Mrs. Bull told her Husband▪ That he was a very uncivil Fellow to uſe ſuch courſe Language before People o [...] Condition, That Hocus was of the ſame mind, and that they would joyn to have him turn'd out of his Living for uſing perſonal Reflections. How do you mean, ſays John, by perſonal Reflections? I hope in God, Wi [...]e, he did not reflect upon you. No, thank God, my Reputation is too well eſtabliſhed in the World to receive any hurt from ſuch a [...]oul Mouth'd Scoun⯑dre [...]l as he; his Doctrine tends only to make Husbands Tyrants, and Wive Slaves; muſt we be ſhut up, and Husbands left to their Liberty? Very pretty indeed; a Wi [...]e muſt never go abroad with a Platonick to ſee a Play or a Ball, ſhe muſt never ſtir without her Huſ⯑band; nor walk in Spring Garden with a Couſin. I do ſay, Husband, and I will ſtand by it, That without the innocent Freedoms of Life, Matrimony would be a moſt intollerable State; And that a Wi [...]e's Virtue, ought to be the reſult of her own reaſon, and not of her Husband [...]s Government; for my part, I would ſcorn a Husband that would be Jealous, if he ſaw a Fellow in Bed with me. All this while John's Blood boyl'd [...]o his Veins, he was now confirm'd [] in all his Suſpicions; Jade, Bitch and Whore were the beſt Words that John gave her. Things went from better to worſe, 'till Mrs. Bull aim'd a Knife at John, tho' John threw a Bottle at her Head very brutally indeed: After this there was nothing but Confuſion; Bottles, Glaſſes, Spoons, Plates, Knives, Forks, and Diſhes flew about like Duſt, reſ [...]lt of which was, That Mrs. Bull receiv'd a bruiſe in her Right ſide, of which ſhe dy'd half a Year after: The Bruiſe impoſthumated, and afterwards turn'd to a ſtinking Ulcer, which made every body ſhie to come near her ſhe melt ſo; yet ſhe wanted not the help of many able Phyſicians, who attended very diligently, and did what Men of skill could do, but all to no purpoſe, for her Condition was now quite deſpe⯑rate, all regular Phyſicians and her neareſt Relations having giv'n her over.
THere is nothing ſo impoſſible in Nature, but Mon⯑tebanks will undertake; nothing ſo incredible, but they will affirm: Mrs. Bull's Condition was look'd upon as deſperate by all the Men of Art; then Signior Cavallo judged it was high time for him to inter⯑poſe, he bragged that he had an infallible Ointment and Plaiſter, which being applied to the Sore would Cure it in a few Days; at the ſame time he would give her a Pill that would purge off all her bad Humours, ſweeten her Blood, and rectifie her diſturb'd Imagination: In ſpite of all Signior Cavallo's Applications the Patient grew worſe every Day, ſhe ſtank ſo no body durſt come within a Stone's throw of her, except Signior Cavallo and his Wife▪ whom he ſent every Day to Dreſs her, ſhe having a very gentle ſoft Hand. All this while Signior apprehended no Danger. If one ask'd him how Mrs. Bull did, better and better, ſays Signior Cavallo; the Parts heal, and her Conſtitution mends, if ſhe ſubmits to my Government▪ ſhe will be abroad in a little time. Nay, it is reported, that he wrote to her Friends in the Country, that ſhe ſhould Dance a Jig next October in Weſtmiſter-Hall; that her Illneſs had been chiefly owing to bad Phyſicians. At laſt Signior one Day was ſent [] for in great haſte, his Patient growing worſe and worſe; when he came he affirmed, that it was a groſs Miſtake, that ſhe never was in a fairer Way: Bring hither the Salve, ſays he; and give her a plentiful Draught of my Cordial. As he was applying his Ointments, and admi⯑niſtring the Cordial▪ the Patient gave up the Ghoſt, to the great Confuſion of Signior Cavalio, and the great Joy of Bull and his Friends. Signior ſlung away out of the Houſe in great diſorder, and ſwore there was foul Play, for he was ſure his Medicines were infallible. Mrs. Bull having dy'd without any Signs of Repentance or Devo⯑tion, the Clergy would hardly allow her Chriſtian Bu⯑rial. The Relations had once reſolved to ſue John for the Murder, but conſidering better of it, and that ſuch a Trial would rip up old Sores, and diſcover things not ſo much to the Reputation of the Deceaſed, they dropt their Deſign. She left no Will, only there was found in her ſtrong Box the following Words wrote on a ſcrip of Paper, My Curſe on John Bull and all my Poſterity, if ever they come to any Compoſition with my Lord Strutt. There were many Epitaphs writ upon her, one was as follows;
The Daughters Names were Polemia, Diſcordia and Ʋſuria.
JOHN quickly got the better of his Grief, and ſeeing that neither his Conſtitution, nor the Affairs of his Family could permit him to live in an unmarried State he reſolved to get him another Wife; a Couſin of his laſt Wife's was propos'd, but John would have no more of the Breed: In ſhort, he wedded a ſober Country Gentlewoman, of a good Family and a p [...]entiful For⯑tune; the reverſe of the other in her Temper, not but that ſhe lov'd Money, for ſhe was of a ſaving Temper, and apply'd her Fortune to pay John's clamarous Debts, that the unfrugal Methods of his laſt Wife, and this rui⯑nous Law Suit had brought him into. One day as ſhe [...] her Husband in good Humour, ſhe talk'd to him [] after the following manner. My Dear, ſince I have been [...]our Wife, I have Obſerv [...]d great Abuſes and Diſorders in [...]ur Family; your Servants are mutinous and quarrelſom, [...]d cheat you moſt abominably; your Cook-Maid is in Com⯑ [...]ination with your Butcher, Poulterer, and Wiſhmonger; [...]ur Butler purloin your Liquor and your Brew [...]r ſells your [...]ogwaſh; your Baker cheats both in Weight and in Tale; [...]en your Milkwoman and your Nurſary Maid have a Fellow [...]eling; your Taylor, inſtead of Shreads, Cabages whole [...]ards of Cloth; beſides leaving ſuch long Scores, and not [...]ing to Market with ready Money, forces us to take bad Ware [...] the Tradeſmen at their own Price. You have not poſted [...] Books theſe Ten Years; how is it poſſible for a Man of [...]uſineſs to keep his Affairs even in the World at this Rate? [...]ay God this Hocus be Honeſt; would to God you would [...] over his Bills, and ſee how Matters ſtand between Frog [...]d you; prodigious Sums are ſpent in this Law Suit, and more [...]ſt be borrow'd of Scriveners and Uſurers at heavy Intereſt; [...]ſides, my Dear, let me beg of you to lay aſide that wild [...]ject of leaving your Buſineſs to turn Lawyer, for which, [...] me tell you, Nature never deſign'd you. Believe me, theſe [...]gues do but flatter, that they may pick your Pocket. John [...]ard her all this while with patience, till ſhe prcik'd [...] Maggot, and touch'd his tender point; then he broke [...] in a violent Paſſion. What, I not fit for a Lawyer! [...] me tell you, my Clodpated Relations ſpoil'd the greateſt [...]ius in the World when they bred me a Mechanick. Lord [...]tt and his Old Rogue of a Granſire have found to their [...], that I can magine a Law Suit as well as another. I [...] deny what you ſay, ſays Mrs. Bull, nor do I call in que⯑ [...] your Parts, but I ſay it does not ſuit with your Circum⯑ [...]ces; you and your Predeceſſors have Liv'd in good Repu⯑ [...]on among your Neighbours by this ſame Cloathing Trade, [...] it were madneſs to leave it off. Beſides, there are few [...] know all the Tricks and Cheats of theſe Lawyers; does [...] [...]our own Experience teach you how they have drawn you [...]om one Term to another, and how you have danc'd the [...] of all the Courts, ſtill flattering you with a final Iſſue, [...] for ought I can ſee, your Cauſe is not a bit clearer than it [...] ſeven Years ago. I will be Damn'd ſays John if I [...] of any Compoſition from Strutt or his Grandfather; I'll [...] wheel about the Streets an Engine to grind Knives and [] Sciſſars; however I'll take your Advice; and look over my Ac⯑counts.
WHen John firſt brought out the Bills, the Surprize of all the Family was unexpreſſible, at the pro⯑digious Dimenſions of them; in ſhort, they would have meaſur'd with the beſt Bale of Cloath in John's Shop. Fees to Judges, puny Judges, Clerks, Prothonotories, Philizers, C [...]irographers, Underclerks, Proclamators, Council, Witneſſes, Jury-Men, Marſhals, Tipſtaffs, Cryers, Porters; for Enrollings, Exemplifications, Bails, Vouchers Returns, Cavea [...]s, Examinations, Fil [...]ngs of Words, Entries, Declarations, Replications, Recordats, Nolle Proſ q [...]i's, Certiorari's, Mittimus, Demurrers, Spe⯑cial Verdicts, Informations, Scire Facius, Superſiedeas [...]abeas Corpus, Coach-hire, Treating of Witneſſes, &c. Verily; ſays John, there are a prodigious Number of learned Words in this Law, what a pretty Science it is! Ay, but Husband, you have paid for every sylable and Letter of theſe fine Words; bleſs me, what immenſe Sums are at the bottom of the Ac⯑compt! John ſpent ſeveral Weeks in looking over his Bills, and by comparing and ſtating his Accompts, he diſco⯑ver [...]d that, beſides the Extravagance of every Article, he had been egregiouſly cheated; that he had paid for Councel that were never fee'd, for Writs that were never drawn, for Dinners that were never dreſs'd, and Jour⯑neys that were never made: In ſhort, that Hocus and Frog had agreed to throw the Burden of the Law-Suit upon his Shoulders.
WELL might the Learn'd Daniel Burgeſs ſay, That a Law-Suit is a Suit for Life. He that ſows his Grain upon Marble, will have many a hungry Belly before Harveſt. This John felt by woful Experi⯑ence. John [...]s Cauſe was a good milch Cow, and many a Man ſubſiſted his Family out of it. However John be⯑gan to think it high time to look about him; he had a Couſin in the Country, one Sir Roger Bold, whoſe Pre⯑deceſſors had been bred up to the Law, and knew as much of it as any Body; but having left off the Profeſ⯑ſion [] for ſome time, they took great pleaſure in Com⯑pounding Law-Suits amongſt their Neighbours, for which they were the Averſion of the Gentlemen of the Long Robe, and at perpetual War with all the Country Attorneys. John put his Cauſe in Sir Roger's Hands, de⯑ſiring him to make the beſt of it; the News had no ſoon⯑er reach'd the Ears of the Lawyers, but they were all in an Uproar. They brought all the reſt of the Tradeſ⯑men upon John: 'Squire South ſwore he was betray [...]d, that he would ſtarve before he compounded; Frog ſaid he was highly wrong'd, ev'n lying Ned the Chimney-ſweeper, and Tom the Duſt-man complain'd that their Intereſt was ſacrific'd: As for Hocus [...]s Wife, ſhe took a Hackney-Chair and came to John's Houſe immediately and fell a ſcolding at his Wife like the Mother of Belze⯑bub, ‘You ſilly, aukward, ill-bred, Country Sow you, have you no more Manners than to rail at my Huſ⯑band, that has ſav'd that Clod-pated, Num-skull'd Ninny hammer of yours from Ruin and all his Fami⯑ly? it is well known how he has roſe early and ſate up late to make him eaſy, when he was Sotting at every Ale-houſe in Town. I knew his laſt Wife, ſhe was a Woman of breeding, good humour, and complaiſance, knew how to live in the World; as for you, you look like a Puppet mov'd by Clock-work; your Cloaths hang upon you, as they were upon Tenter-hooks, and you come into a Room as you were going to ſteal away a Piſs pot; get you gone into the Country to look af- your Mothers Poultry, to milk the Cows, churn the Butter, and dreſs up Noſegays for a Holy-Day, and meddle not with Matters that you know no more of, than the Sign-poſt before your Door: It is well known that my Husband has an eſtabliſh'd Reputation, he never ſwore an Oath, nor told a Lie in all his Life: He is grateful to his Benefactors, faithful to his Friends liberal to his Dependants, and dutiful to his Superiors; he values not your Money more than the Duſt under his Feet, but he hates to be abus'd: Once for all, Mrs. Mynx, leave off talking of my Husband, or I will pull out theſe Saucer Eyes of yours, and make that red⯑ſtreak Country-Face look as raw as an Ox Cheek up⯑on a Butcher's Stall; remember, I ſay, that there are [] Pillories and Ducking-ſtools.’ With this, away ſhe flung, leaving Mrs. Bull no time to reply: No Stone was left unturn [...]d to fright John from this Compoſition. Some⯑times they ſpread Reports at Coffee-houſes, that John and his Wife were ran mad; t [...]t they intended to give up Houſe, and make over all the Eſtate to Old Lewis Baboon that John had been often talking to himſelf, and ſeen in the Streets without Shoes or Stockings; That he did nothing from Morning to Night but beat his Servants, after having been the beſt Maſter alive; as for his Wife ſhe was a meer Natural. Sometimes John's Houſe was beſet with a whole Regiment of Attorneys Clerks, Bailiffs Followers, and other ſmall retainers of the Law, who threw Stones at his Windows, and Dirt at himſelf, as he went along, the Street. When John complain'd of want of ready Money to carry on his Suit, they advis'd him to pawn his Plate and Jewels, and that Mrs. Bull ſhould ſell her Linnnen and Wearing Cloaths.
HOw does my good Friend Don Diego?
Never worſe Who can be eaſie when their Friends are playing the Fool?
But then you may be eaſie, for I am reſolv'd to play the Fool no longer: I wiſh I had hearken'd to your Advice, and compounded this Law Suit ſooner.
It is true; I was then againſt the ruinous ways of this Law Suit, but looking over my Scheme ſince, I find there is an Error in my Calculation. Sol and Jupiter were in a wrong Houſe, but I have now diſcover'd their true Places: I tell you I find that the Stars are unanimouſly of Opinion, that you will be ſucceſsful in this Cauſe; That Lewis will come to an untimely [...], and Strutt will be turn'd out of Doors by his Wife and Children. Then he went on with a Torrent of Eclyp⯑ticks, Cycles Epicycles, Aſcendants, Trines, Quadrants, Conjunctions Bulls, Bears, Goats, and Rams, and abun⯑dance of hard Words, which being, put together, ſignify'd nothing. John all this while ſtood gaping and ſtaring, like a Man in a Trance.