THE NARRATIVE OF Dr. Robert Norris, CONCERNING The Strange and Deplorable FRENZY of Mr. J [...]N D [...]IS, an Officer of the Cuſtom-houſe.

IT is an acknowledg'd Truth, that nothing is ſo dear to an honeſt Man as his good Name, nor ought he to neglect the juſt Vindication of his Character, when it is in⯑juriouſly attack'd by any Man. The Perſon I have at preſent Cauſe to complain of, is indeed in very melancholy Circumſtances, it having pleas'd God to deprive him of his Senſes, which may extenuate the Crime in Him. But I ſhould be wanting in my Duty, not only to my ſelf, but alſo to my Fellow-Creatures, to whom my [6] Talents may prove of benefit, ſhou'd I ſuffer my Profeſſion or Honeſty to be undeſervedly aſ⯑pers'd. I have therefore reſolv'd to give the Publick an account of all that has paſt between that unhappy Gentleman and my ſelf.

On the 20th inſtant, while I was in my Cloſet pondering the Caſe of one of my Patients, I heard a Knocking at my Door, upon opening of which enter'd an old Woman with Tears in her Eyes, and told me, that without my Aſ⯑ſiſtance her Maſter would be utterly ruin'd. I was forc'd to interrupt her Sorrow by enquiring her Maſter's Name and Place of Abode. She told me he was one Mr. D [...]is an Officer of the Cuſtom-houſe, who was taken ill of a violent Frenzy laſt April, and had continu'd in thoſe melancholy Circumſtances, with few or no In⯑tervals. Upon this I ask'd her ſome Queſtions relating to his Humour and Extravagancies, that I might the better know under what Regi⯑men to put him, when the Cauſe of his Diſtem⯑per was found out. Alas, Sir, ſays ſhe, this Day fortnight in the Morning a poor ſimple Child came to him from the Printer's; the Boy had no ſooner enter'd the Room, but he cry'd out, the Devil was come. He often ſtares ghaſt⯑fully, raves aloud, and mutters between his Teeth the Word Cator, or Cato, or ſome ſuch thing. Now, Doctor, this Cator is certainly a Witch, and my poor Maſter is under an evil Tongue: for I have heard him ſay Cator has be⯑witch'd the whole Nation. It pitied my very Heart, to think that a Man of my Maſter's Un⯑derſtanding and great Scholarſhip, (who, as the [7] Child told me, had a Book of his own in Print,) ſhould talk ſo outragiouſly. Upon this I went and laid out a Groat for a Horſhoe, which is at this time nail'd on the Threſhold of his Door; but I don't find my Maſter is at all the better for it; he prepetually ſtarts and runs to the Win⯑dow when any one knocks, crying out, S' death! a Meſſenger from the French King! I ſhall die in the Baſtile.

Having ſaid this, the Old Woman preſented me with a Viol of his Urine; upon Examination of which I preceiv'd the whole Temperament of his Body to be exceeding hot. I therefore in⯑ſtantly took my Cane and my Beaver, and re⯑pair'd to the Place where he dwelt.

When I came to his Lodgings near Charing-Croſs, up three Pair of Stairs, (which I ſhould not have publiſh'd in this manner, but that this Lunatick conceals the Place of his Reſidence on purpoſe to prevent the good Offices of thoſe charitable Friends and Phyſicians, who might attempt his Cure) when I came into the Room, I found this unfortunate Gentleman ſeated on his Bed, with Mr. Bernard Lintott, Bookſeller, on the one ſide of him, and a grave elderly Gen⯑tleman on the other, who, as I have ſince learnt, calls himſelf a Grammarian; the Latitude of whoſe Countenance was not a little eclips'd by the Fullneſs of his Peruke. As I am a black lean Man, of a pale Viſage, and hang my Clothes on ſomewhat ſlovenly, I no ſooner went in but he frown'd upon me, and cry'd out with vio⯑lence, ‘'S'Death, a Frenchman! I am betray'd to the Tyrant! who cou'd have thought the [8] Queen would have deliver'd me up to France in this Treaty, and leaſt of all that you, my Friends, wou'd have been in a Conſpiracy againſt me?'’—Sir, ſaid I, here is neither Plot nor Conſpiracy, but for your advantage. The Recovery of your Senſes requires my At⯑tendance, and your Friends ſent for me on no other account. I then took a particular Survey of his Perſon, and the Furniture and Diſpoſition of his Apartment. His Aſpect was furious, his Eyes were rather fiery than lively, which he roll'd about in an uncommon manner. He often o⯑pen'd his Mouth, as if he wou'd have utter'd ſome Matter of Importance, but the Sound ſeem'd loſt inwardly. His Beard was grown, which they told me he would not ſuffer to be ſhav'd, believing the modern Dramatick Poets had corrupted all the Barbers in the Town to take the firſt Opportunity of cutting his Throat. His Eye-brows were grey, long, and grown to⯑gether, which he knit with Indignation when any thing was ſpoken, inſomuch that he ſeem'd not to have ſmooth'd his Forehead for many Years. His Flannel Night Cap, which was ex⯑ceedingly begrim'd with Sweat and Dirt, hung upon his Left Ear; the Flap of his Breeches dangled between his Legs, and the Rolls of his Stockings fell down to his Ankles.

I obſerv'd his Room was hung with old Tape⯑ſtry, which had ſeveral Holes in it, caus'd, as the Old Woman inform'd me, by his having cut out of it the Heads of divers Tyrants, the Fierce⯑neſs of whoſe Viſages had much provoked him. On all ſides of his Room were pinned a great [9] many Sheets of a Tragedy called Cato, with Notes on the Margin with his own Hand. The Words Abſurd, Monſtrous, Execrable, were every where written in ſuch large Characters, that I could read them without my Spectacles. By the Fre-ſide lay Three-farthings-worth of Small-coal in a Spectator, and behind the Door huge Heaps of Papers of the ſame Title, which his Nurſe inform'd me ſhe had convey'd thither out of his ſight, believing they were Books of the Black Art; for her Maſter never read in them, but he was either quite mop'd, or in raving Fits; There was nothing neat in the whole Room, except ſome Books on his Shelves very well bound and gilded, whoſe Names I had ne⯑ver before heard of, nor I believe are any where elſe to be found; ſuch as Gibraltar, a Comedy; Remarks on Prince Arthur; the Grounds of Criticiſm in Poetry; an Eſſay on publick Spirit. The only one I had any Knowledge of was a Paradiſe Loſt, interleav'd. The whole Floor was cover'd with Manuſcripts, as thick as a Paſt⯑ry Cook's Shop on a Chriſtmas Eve. On his Table were ſome Ends of Verſe and of Candles; a Gallipot of Ink with a yellow Pen in it, and a Pot of half-dead Ale cover'd with a Longinus.

As I was caſting my Eyes round on all this odd Furniture with ſome Earneſtneſs and Aſto⯑niſhment, and in a profound Silence, I was on a ſudden ſurpriz'd to hear the Man ſpeak in the following manner:

‘"Beware, Doctor, that it fare not with you as with your Predeceſſor the famous Hippocrates, whom the miſtaken Citizens of Abdera ſent [10] for in this very manner to cure the Philoſo⯑pher Democritus; he return'd full of Admi⯑ration at the Wiſdom of that Perſon whom he had ſuppos'd a Lunatic. Behold, Doctor, it was thus Ariſtotle himſelf and all the great Antients ſpent their Days and Nights, wrapt up in Criticiſm, and beſet all around with their own Writings. As for me, whom you ſee in the ſame manner, be aſſur'd I have none other Diſeaſe than a Swelling in my Legs, whereof I ſay no more, ſince your Art may further cer⯑tify you."’

I began now to be in hopes that his Caſe had been miſrepreſented, and that he was not ſo far gone, but ſome timely Medicines might recover him. I therefore proceeded to the proper Que⯑ries, which with the Anſwers made to me, I ſhall ſet down in Form of Dialogue, in the very Words they were ſpoken, becauſe I would not omit the leaſt Circumſtance in this Narrative; and I call my Conſcience to witneſs, as if upon Oath, that I ſhall tell the Truth without addi⯑tion or diminution.

Pray, Sir, how did you contract this Swelling?

By a Criticiſm,

A Criticiſm! that's a Diſtemper I ne⯑ver read of.

S'Death, Sir, a Diſtemper! It is no Diſtemper, but a Noble Art. I have ſat four⯑teen Hours a Day at it; and are you a Doctor, and don't know there's a Communication be⯑tween the Legs and the Brain?

What made you ſit ſo many Hours, Sir?

Cato, Sir.

Sir, I ſpeak of your Diſtemper, what gave you this Tumor?

Cato, Cato, Cato. ^*

For God's ſake, Doctor, name not this evil Spirit, 'tis the whole Cauſe of his Mad⯑neſs: Alas, poor Maſter's juſt falling into his Fits.

Fits! Z [...] what Fits! A Man may well have Swellings in his Legs, that ſits writing fourteen Hours in a Day. He got this by the Remarks.

The Remarks! what are thoſe?

S'Death! have you never read my Remarks? I will be damn'd if this Dog Lin⯑tott ever publiſh'd my Advertiſements.

Z [...]! I publiſh'd Advertiſement upon Advertiſement; and if the Book be not read, it is none of my fault, but his that made it. By G [...], as much has been done for the Book, as cou'd be done for any Book in Chriſten⯑dom.

We do not talk of Books, Sir; I fear thoſe are the Fuel that feed his Delirium; men⯑tion them no more. You do very ill to promote this Diſcourſe.

I deſire a Word in private with this other Gentleman, who ſeems a grave and ſenſible Man: I ſuppoſe, Sir, you are his Apothecary.

Sir, I am his Friend.

I doubt it not. What Regimen have you obſerv'd ſince he has been under your Care? You remember, I ſuppoſe, the Paſſage of Celſus, which ſays, if the Patient, on the third Day, have an Interval, ſuſpend the Medicaments at Night? let Fumigations be uſed to corroborate the Brain; I hope you have upon no Account promoted Sternutation by Hellebore.

Sir, no ſuch matter, you utterly miſ⯑take.

Miſtake: Am I not a Phyſician? and ſhall an Apothecary diſpute my Noſtrums—You may perhaps have fill'd up a Preſcription or two of Ratcliff's which chanced to ſucceed, and with that very Preſcription injudiciouſly pre⯑ſcrib'd to different Conſtitutions, have deſtroy'd a Multitude. Pharmacopola componat, Medicus ſolus preſcribat. Fumigate him, I ſay, this very Evening, while he is relieved by an Interval.

S'Death, Sir, my Friend an Apothe⯑cary! a baſe Mechanic! He who, like my ſelf, profeſſes the nobleſt Sciences in the Univerſe, Criticiſm and Poetry. Can you think I would ſubmit my Writings to the Judgment of an A⯑pothecary! By the Immortals, he himſelf in⯑ſerted three whole Paragraphs in my Remarks, had a Hand in my Publick Spirit, nay, aſſiſted me in my Deſcription of the Furies, and infer⯑nal Regions in my Appius.

He is an Author; you miſtake the Gentleman, Doctor, he has been an Au⯑thor theſe twenty Years, to his Bookſeller's Knowledge, and no Man's elſe.

Is all the Town in a Combination? Shall Poetry fall to the Ground? Muſt our Re⯑putation be loſt to all foreign Countries? O De⯑ſtruction! Perdition! ^* Opera! Opera! As Po⯑etry once rais'd Cities, ſo when Poetry fails Cities are overturn'd, and the World is no more.

He raves, he raves; Mr. Lintott, I pray you pinion down his Arms, that he may do no Miſchief.

O I am ſick, ſick to Death!

That is a good Symptom, a very good Symptom. To be ſick to Death (ſay the mo⯑dern Phyſicians) is an excellent Symptom. When a Patient is ſenſible of his Pain, 'tis half a Cure. Pray, Sir, of what are you ſick?

Of every thing, Of every thing. I am ſick of the Sentiments of the Diction, of the Protaſis, of the Epitaſis, and the Cataſtro⯑phe—Alas, what is become of the Drama, the Drama?

The Dram, Sir? Mr. Lintott drank up all the Gin juſt now; but I'll go fetch more preſently!

O ſhameful Want, ſcandalous Omiſ⯑ſion! By all the Immortals, here is no Peripae⯑tia, no Change of Fortune in the Tragedy; Z [...] no Change at all.

Pray, good Sir, be not angry, I'll fetch Change.

Hold your Peace, Woman, his Fit in⯑creaſes, good Mr. Lintott hold him.

Plague on't! I am damnably afraid they are in the right of it, and he is mad in earneſt. If he ſhould be really mad, who the Devil will buy the Remarks?

Sir, I ſhall order you the cold Bath to morrow—Mr. Lintott, you are a ſenſible Man; pray ſend for Mr. Verdier's Servant, and as you are a friend to the Patient, be ſo kind as to ſtay this Evening whilſt he is cupp'd on the Head. The Symptoms of his Madneſs ſeem to be deſperate; for Avicen ſays, that if Learn⯑ing be mix'd with a Brain that is not of a Con⯑texture fit to receive it, the Brain ferments till it be totally exhauſted. We muſt eradicate theſe undigeſted Ideas out of the Perecranium, and reduce the Patient to a competent Know⯑ledge of himſelf.

Caitiffs ſtand off, unhand me, Miſore⯑ants! Is the Man whoſe whole Endeavours are to bring the Town to Reaſon mad? is the Man who ſettles Poetry on the Baſis of Antiquity mad? Dares any one aſſert there is a Peripaetia in that vile Piece that's foiſted upon the Town for a Dramatick Poem? That Man is mad, the Town is mad, the World is mad. See Longinus in my right Hand, and Ariſtotle in my left; I am the only Man among the Moderns that ſup⯑port them. Am I to be aſſaſſinated; and ſhall a Bookſeller, who hath liv'd upon my Labours, take away that Life to which he owes his Sup⯑port?

By your Leave, Gentlemen, I appre⯑hend you not. I muſt not ſee my Friend ill [15] treated; he is no more affected with Lunacy than my ſelf: I am alſo of the ſame Opinion as to the Peripaetia—Sir, by the Gravity of your Countenance and Habit, I would conceive you to be a graduate Phyſician; but by your indecent and boiſterous Treatment of this Man of Learning, I perceive you are a violent ſort of Perſon, I am loath to ſay Quack, who rather than his Drugs ſhould lie upon his own Hands, would get rid of them, by cramming them into the Mouths of others: The Gentleman is of good Condition, ſound Intellectuals, and uner⯑ring Judgment: I beg you will not oblige me to reſent theſe Proceedings.

THESE were all the Words that paſs'd a⯑mong us at this Time; nor was there need for more, it being neceſſary we ſhould make uſe of Force in the Cure of my Patient.

I privately whiſper'd the old Woman to go to Mr. Verdier's in Long-Acre, with Orders to come immediately with Cupping Glaſſes; in the mean time, by the Aſſiſtance of Mr. Lintott, we lock'd his Friend into a Cloſet, (who 'tis plain from his laſt Speech was likewiſe touch'd in his Intellects) after which we bound our Lunatick Hand and Foot down to the Bedſted, where he continued in violent Ravings, notwithſtanding the moſt tender Expreſſions we could uſe to per⯑ſwade him to ſubmit to the Operation, till the Servant of Verdier arrived. He had no ſooner clapp'd half a dozen Cupping Glaſſes on his Head, and behind his Ears, but the Gentleman above⯑mention'd burſting open the Cloſet, ran furiouſ⯑ly [16] upon us, cut Mr. D [...]is's Bandages, and let drive at us with a vaſt Folio, which ſorely bruis'd the Shin of Mr. Lintott; Mr. John D [...]is alſo ſtarting up with the Cupping Glaſſes on his Head, ſeized another Folio, and with the ſame dangerouſly wounded me in the Skull, juſt above my right Temple. The Truth of this Fact Mr. Verdier's Servant is ready to atteſt upon Oath, who, taking an exact Survey of the Vo⯑lumes, found that which wounded my Head to be Gruterus's Lampas Critica, and that which broke Mr. Lintott's Shin was Scaliger's Poetices. After this, Mr. John D [...]is ſtrengthen'd at once by Rage and Madneſs, ſnatch'd up a Peruke-Block, that ſtood by the Bedſide, and weilded it round in ſo furious a Manner, that he broke three of the Cupping Glaſſes from the Crown of his Head, ſo that much Blood trickled down his Viſage—He look'd ſo ghaſtly, and his Paſſion was grown to ſuch a prodigious Height, that my ſelf, Mr. Lintott, and Verdier's Servant were o⯑blig'd to leave the Room in all the Expedition imaginable.

I took Mr. Lintott home with me, in order to have our Wounds dreſt, and laid hold of that Opportunity of entering into Diſcourſe with him about the Madneſs of this Perſon, of whom he gave me the following remarkable Relation:

That on the 17th of May, 1712, between the Hours of 10 and 11 in the Morning, Mr. John D [...]is enter'd into his Shop, and opening one of the Volumes of the Spectator, in the large Paper, did ſuddenly, without the leaſt Provocation, tear out that of No—where the Author treats [17] of Poetical Juſtice, and caſt it into the Street. That the ſaid Mr. John D [...]is on the 27th of March, 1712, finding on the ſaid Mr. Lintott's Counter a Book called an Eſſay on Criticiſm, juſt then publiſh'd, he read a Page or two with much Frowning, till coming to theſe two Lines;

He flung down the Book in a terrible Fury, and cried out, By G [...]d he means Me.

That being in his Company on a certain Time, when Shakeſpear was mention'd as of a contrary Opinion to Mr. Dennis, he ſwore the ſaid Shake⯑ſpear was a Raſcal, with other defamatory Ex⯑preſſions, which gave Mr. Lintott a very ill Opi⯑nion of the ſaid Shakeſpear.

That about two Months ſince, he came again into the Shop, and caſt ſeveral ſuſpicious Looks on a Gentleman that ſtood by him, after which he deſired ſome Information concerning that Per⯑ſon. He was no ſooner acquainted that the Gen⯑tleman was a new Author, and that his firſt Piece was to be publiſh'd in a few Days, but he drew his Sword upon him, and had not my Servant luckily catch'd him by the Sleeve, I might have loſt one Author upon the ſpot, and another the next Seſſions.

Upon recollecting all theſe Circumſtances, Mr. Lintott was entirely of Opinion, that he had been mad for ſome Time; and I doubt not but this whole Narrative muſt ſufficiently con⯑vince [18] the World of the exceſs of his Frenzy. It now remains, that I give the Reaſons which obliged me in my own Vindication to publiſh this whole unfortunate Tranſaction.

In the firſt place, Mr. John D [...]is had indu⯑ſtriouſly cauſed to be reported that I enter'd into his Room Vi & Armis, either out of a Deſign to deprive him of his Life, or of a new Play called Cariolanus, which he has had ready for the Stage theſe Four Years.

Secondly, He hath given out about Fleetſtreet and the Temple, that I was an Accomplice with his Bookſeller, who viſited him with Intent to take away divers valuable Manuſcripts, without paying him Copy-Money.

Thirdly, He hath told others, that I am no Graduate Phyſician, and that he had ſeen me up⯑on a Mountebank Stage in Moorfields, when he had Lodgings in the College there.

Fourthly, Knowing that I had much Practice in the City, he reported at the Royal Exchange, Cuſtom-houſe, and other Places adjacent, that I was a foreign Spy, employ'd by the French King to convey him into France; that I bound him Hand and Foot; and that, if his Friend had not burſt from his Confinement to his Relief, he had been at this Hour in the Baſtile.

All which ſeveral Aſſertions of his are ſo very extravagant, as well as inconſiſtent, that I appeal to all Mankind whether this Perſon be not out of his Senſes. I ſhall not decline giving and produ⯑cing further Proofs of this Truth in open Court, if he drives the Matter ſo far. In the mean [19] time I heartily forgive him, and pray that the Lord may reſtore him, to the full Enjoyment of his Underſtanding: So wiſheth as becometh a Chriſtian,

God Save the Queen.

A full and true ACCOUNT OF A Horrid and Barbarous REVENGE by POISON, On the Body of Mr. EDMUND CURLL, Bookſeller; With a faithful COPY of his Laſt WILL and TESTAMENT

HISTORY furniſhes us with Examples of many Satyrical Authors who have fallen Sacrifices to Revenge, but not of any Bookſellers that I know of, ex⯑cept the unfortunate Subject of the following Paper; I mean Mr. Edmund Curll, at the Bible and Dial in Fleetſtreet, who was yeſterday poi⯑ſon'd by Mr. Pope, after having liv'd many Years [21] an Inſtance of the mild Temper of the Britiſh Nation.

Every Body knows that the ſaid Mr. Edmund Curll, on Monday the 26th Inſtant, publiſh'd a Satyrical Piece, entituled Court Poems, in the Preface whereof they were attributed to a Lady of Quality, Mr. Pope, or Mr. Gay; by which indiſ⯑creet Method though he had eſcap'd one Revenge, there were ſtill two behind in reſerve.

Now on the Wedneſday enſuing, between the Hours of Ten and Eleven, Mr. Lintott, a neigh⯑b'ring Bookſeller, deſired a Conference with Mr. Curll about ſettling a Title-Page, inviting him at the ſame Time to take a Whet together. Mr. Pope, (who is not the only Inſtance how Per⯑ſons of bright Parts may be carry'd away by the Inſtigation of the Devil) found Means to con⯑vey himſelf into the ſame Room, under Pretence of Buſineſs with Mr. Lintott, who it ſeems is the Printer of his Homer. This Gentleman with a ſeeming Coolneſs, reprimanded Mr. Curll for wrongfully aſcribing to him the aforeſaid Poems: He excuſed himſelf by declaring that one of his Authors (Mr. Oldmixon by Name) gave the Copies to the Preſs, and wrote the Pre⯑face. Upon this Mr. Pope (being to all appea⯑rance reconcil'd) very civily drank a Glaſs of Sack to Mr. Curll, which he as civilly pledged; and tho' the Liquor in Colour and Taſte diffe⯑red not from common Sack, yet was it plain by the Pangs this unhappy Stationer felt ſoon after, that ſome poiſonous Drug had been ſecretly in⯑fuſed therein.

[22] About eleven a Clock he went home, where his Wife obſerving his Colour chang'd, ſaid, Are you not Sick, my Dear? He reply'd, Bloody Sick; and incontinently fell a vomiting and ſtraining in an uncommon and unnatural Manner, the Contents of his vomiting being as green as Graſs. His Wife had been juſt read⯑ing a Book of her Husband's printing concern⯑ing Jane Wenham, the famous Witch of Hert⯑ford, and her Mind miſgave her that he was be⯑witch'd; but he ſoon let her know that he ſuſ⯑pected Poiſon, and recounted to her, between the Intervals of his Yawnings and Reachings, every Circumſtance of his Interview with Mr. Pope.

Mr. Lintott in the mean time coming in, was extreamly affrighted at the ſudden Alteration he obſerv'd in Him: Brother Curll, ſays he, I fear you have got the Vomiting Diſtemper; which (I have heard) kills in half an Hour. This comes from your not following my Advice, to drink old Hock in a Morning, as I do, and abſtain from Sack, Mr. Curll reply'd in a moving Tone, Your Author's Sack I fear has done my Buſineſs, Z [...]ds, ſays Mr. Lintott, my Author!—Why did not you drink old Hock? Notwithſtanding which rough Remonſtrance, he did in the moſt friendly Manner preſs him to take warm Water; but Mr. Curll did with great Obſtinacy refuſe it; which made Mr. Lintott Infer, that he choſe to die, as thinking to recover greater Damages.

All this Time the Symptoms encreas'd vio⯑lently, with accute Pains in the lower Belly. Brother Lintott, ſays he, I perceive my laſt Hour [23] approaching; do me the friendly Office to call my Partner, Mr. Pemberton, that we may ſettle our Worldly Affairs. Mr. Lintott, like a kind Neigh⯑bour was haſtening out of the Room, while Mr. Curll rav'd aloud in this manner: If I ſurvive this, I will be reveng'd on Tonſon; it was he firſt detected me as the Printer of theſe Poems, and I will reprint theſe very Poems in his Name. His Wife admoniſh'd him not to think of Re⯑venge, but to take care of his Stock and his Soul: And in the ſame Inſtant, Mr. Lintott (whoſe Goodneſs can never be enough applauded) re⯑turn'd with Mr. Pemberton. After ſome Tears jointly ſhed by theſe humane Bookſellers, Mr. Curll being (as he ſaid) in his perfect Senſes though in great bodily Pain, immediately pro⯑ceeded to make a verbal Will (Mrs. Curll having firſt put on his Night-Cap) in the following Ma nner.

GEntlemen, in the firſt Place, I do ſincerely pray Forgiveneſs for thoſe indirect Me⯑thods I have purſued in inventing new Titles to old Books, putting Authors Names to things they never ſaw, publiſhing private Quarrels for pub⯑lick Entertainment; all which, I hope will be pardoned, as being done to get an honeſt liveli⯑hood.

I do alſo heartily beg Pardon of all Perſons of Honour, Lords Spiritual and Temporal, Gentry, Burgeſſes, and Commonalty, to whoſe Abuſe I have any or every way contributed by my Pub⯑lications, particularly, I hope it will be con⯑ſider'd, [24] that if I have vilify'd his Grace the Duke of Marlborough, I have likewiſe aſpers'd the late Duke of Ormond; if I have abuſed the honourable Mr. Walpole, I have alſo libell'd the Lord Bolingbroke? ſo that I have preſerv'd that Equality and Impartiality which becomes an honeſt Man in Times of Faction and Di⯑viſion.

I call my Conſcience to witneſs, that many of theſe Things which may ſeem malicious were done out of Charity; I having made it wholly my buſineſs to print for poor diſconſolate Authors, whom all other Bookſellers refuſe. Only God bleſs Sir Richard Blackmore! you know he takes no Copy-money.

The ſecond Collection of Poems, which I groundleſly call'd Mr. Prior's, will ſell for No⯑thing, and hath not yet paid the Charge of the Advertiſements, which I was obliged to publiſh againſt him: Therefore you may as well ſuppreſs the Edition, and beg that Gentleman's pardon in the name of a dying Chriſtian.

The French Cato, with the Criticiſm ſhowing how ſuperior it is to Mr. Addiſon's, (which I wickedly aſcribed to Madam Dacier) may be ſuppreſs'd at a reaſonable Rate, being damnably tranſlated.

I proteſt I have no Animoſity to Mr. Rowe, having printed part of Callipaedia, and an incor⯑rect Edition of his Poems without his Leave, in Quarto. Mr. Gildon's Rehearſal or Bays the Younger, did more harm to me than to Mr. Rowe; though upon the Faith of an honeſt [25] Man, I paid him double, for abuſing both him and Mr. Pope.

Heaven pardon me for publiſhing the Trials of Sodomy in an Elzevir Letter! but I humbly hope, my printing Sir Richard Blackmore's Eſſays will attone for them. I beg that you will take what remains of theſe laſt, (which is near the whole Impreſſion, Preſents excepted) and let my poor Widow have in exchange the ſole Propriety of the Copy of Madam Maſcranny.

[Here Mr. Pemberton interrupted, and would by no means conſent to this Article, about which ſome Diſpute might have ariſen unbecoming a dying Perſon, if Mr. Lintott had not interpoſed and Mr. Curll vomited.]

What this poor unfortunate Man ſpoke after⯑wards, was ſo indiſtinct, and in ſuch broken Ac⯑cents, (being perpetually interrupted by Vomitings) that the Reader is intreated to excuſe the Confuſion and Imperfection of this Account.

Dear Mr. Pemberton, I beg you to beware of the Indictment at Hicks's Hall, for publiſhing Rocheſter's bawdy Poems; that Copy will other⯑wiſe be my beſt Legacy to my dear Wife, and helpleſs Child.

The Caſe of Impotence was my beſt Support, all the laſt long Vacation.

[In this laſt Paragraph Mr. Curll's Voice grew more free, for his Vomitings abated upon his Deje⯑ctions, and he ſpoke what follows from his Cloſe⯑ſtool.]

[26] For the Copies of Noblemen's and Biſhop's Laſt Wills and Teſtaments, I ſolemnly declare I printed them not with any Purpoſe of Defama⯑tion; but meerly as I thought thoſe Copies law⯑fully purchaſed from Doctors Commons, at One Shilling a piece. Our Trade in Wills turning to ſmall Account, we may divide them blind⯑fold.

For Mr. Manwaring's Life, I ask Mrs. Old⯑field's Pardon: Neither His nor my Lord Hali⯑fax's Lives, though they were of ſervice to their Country, were of any to me: But I was reſol⯑ved ſince I could not print their Works while they liv'd, to print their Lives after they were dead.

While he was ſpeaking theſe Words Mr. Old⯑mixon enter'd. Ah! Mr. Oldmixon (ſaid poor Mr. Curll) to what a Condition have your Works reduced me! I die a Martyr to that unlucky Pre⯑face. However, in theſe my laſt Moments I will be juſt to all Men; you ſhall have your third Share of the Court Poems, as was ſtipulated. When I am dead, where will you find another Bookſeller? Your Proteſtant Packet might have ſupported you, had you writ a little leſs ſcurrilouſly; there is a Mean in all things.

Here Mr. Lintott interrupted. Why not find another Bookſeller, Brother Curll? and then took Mr. Oldmixon aſide and whiſper'd him: Sir, As ſoon as Curll is dead, I ſhall be glad to talk with you over a Pint at the Devil.

Mr. Curll now turning to Mr Pemberton, told him, he had ſeveral Taking Title-Pages [27] that only wanted Treatiſes to be wrote to them; and earneſtly deſired that when they were writ, his Heirs might have ſome Share of the Profit of them.

After he had ſaid this, he fell into horrible Gripings, upon which Mr. Lintott advis'd him to repeat the Lord's Prayer. He deſir'd his Wife to ſtep into the Shop for a Common Prayer Book, and read it by the Help of a Candle with⯑out Heſitation. He clos'd the Book, fetch'd a Groan, and recommended to Mrs. Curll to give Forty Shillings to the Poor of the Pariſh of St. Dunſtan's, and a Week's Wages advance to each of his Gentlemen-Authors, with ſome ſmall Gratuity in particular to Mrs. Centlivre.

The poor Man continued for ſome Hours with all his diſconſolate Family about him in Tears, expecting his final Diſſolution; when of a ſudden he was ſurprizingly relieved by a plen⯑tiful foetid Stool, which obliged them all to re⯑tire out of the Room. Notwithſtanding, it is judged by Sir Richard Blackmore, that the Poi⯑ſon is ſtill latent in his Body, and will infallibly deſtroy him by ſlow Degrees, in leſs than a Month. It is to be hoped, the other Enemies of this wretched Stationer will not further pur⯑ſue their Revenge, or ſhorten this ſmall Period of his miſerable Life.

A FURTHER ACCOUNT Of the moſt Deplorable Condition OF Mr. EDMUND CURLL, Bookſeller.

THE Publick is already acquainted with the Manner of Mr. Curll's Impoiſon⯑ment, by a faithful tho' unpolite Hiſto⯑rian of Grubſtreet. I am but the Continuer of his Hiſtory; yet I hope a due Diſtinction will be made between an undignify'd Scribler of a Sheet and half, and the Author of a Three⯑penny ſtitch'd Book, like my ſelf.

^* Wit (ſaith Sir Richard Blackmore) proceeds from a Concurrence of regular and exalted Fer⯑ments, and an Affluence of Animal Spirits recti⯑fy'd and refin'd to a Degree of Purity. On the contrary, when the igneous Particles riſe with the vital Liquor, they produce an abſtra⯑ction [29] of the rational Part of the Soul, which we commonly call Madneſs. The Verity of this Hypotheſis, is juſtify'd by the Symptoms with which the unfortunate Mr. Edmund Curll, Bookſeller, hath been afficted ever ſince his ſwallowing the Poiſon at the Swan Tavern in Fleetſtreet. For tho' the Neck of his Retort, which carries up the Animal Spirits to the Head, is of an extraordinary length; yet the ſaid Ani⯑mal Spirits riſe muddy, being contaminated with the inflammable Particles of this uncommon Poiſon.

The Symptoms of his Departure from his uſual Temper of Mind, were at firſt only ſpeak⯑ing civilly to his Cuſtomers, ſingeing a Pig with a new purchaſed Libel, and refuſing Two-and-Nine-Pence for Sir Richard Blackmore's Eſ⯑ſays.

As the poor Man's Frenzy encreas'd, he be⯑gan to void his Excrements in his Bed, read Rocheſter's bawdy Poems to his Wife, gave Old⯑mixon a ſlap on the Chops, and wou'd have kiſs'd Mr. Pemberton's A [...] by Violence.

But at laſt he came to ſuch a paſs, that he wou'd dine upon nothing but Copper-Plates, took a Clyſter for a whipt Syllabub, and made Mr. Lintott eat a Suppoſitory for a Raddiſh with Bread and Butter.

We leave it to every tender Wife to imagine, how ſorely all this afflicted poor Mrs. Curll: At firſt ſhe privately put a Bill into ſeveral Churches, deſiring Prayers of the Congregation for a wretched Stationer diſtemper'd in Mind. But when ſhe was ſadly convinc'd that his Mis⯑fortune [30] was publick to all the World, ſhe writ the following Letter to her good Neighbour Mr. Lintott.

But return we to Mr. Curll, who all Wed⯑neſday continued outragiouſly mad. On Thurſ⯑day he had a lucid Interval, that enabled him to ſend a general Summons to all his Authors. There was but one Porter who cou'd perform this Office, to whom he gave the following Bill of Directions where to find 'em. This Bill, together with Mrs Curll's Original Letter, lie at Mr. Lintott's Shop to be perus'd by the Cu⯑rious.

All theſe Gentlemen appear'd at the Hour ap⯑pointed, in Mr. Curll's Dining Room, two ex⯑cepted; one of whom was the Gentleman in the Cockloft, his Landlady being out of the way, and the Gradus ad Parnaſſum taken down; the other happened to be too cloſely watch'd by the Bailiffs.

They no ſooner enter'd the Room, but all of them ſhew'd in their Behaviour ſome Su⯑ſpicion of each other; ſome turning away their Heads with an Air of Contempt; others ſquint⯑ing with a Leer that ſhew'd at once Fear and Indignation, each with a haggard abſtracted Mien, the lively Picture of Scorn, Solitude, and ſhort Commons. So when a Keeper feeds his hungry Charge of Vultures, Panthers, and of Lybian Leopards, each eyes his Fellow with a ſiery Glare: High hung, the bloody Liver tempts their Maw. Or as a Houſewife ſtands before her Pales, ſurrounded by her Geeſe; they fight, they hiſs, they gaggle, beat their Wings, and Down is ſcatter'd as the Winter's [34] Snow, for poor Grain of Oat, or Tare, or Bar⯑ley. Such Looks ſhot through the Room tranſ⯑verſe, oblique, direct; ſuch was the ſtir and din, 'till Curll thus ſpoke, (but without riſing from his Cloſe-ſtool.)

He had ſcarce done ſpeaking, but the Hiſto⯑rian propos'd a Hiſtory of his Life. The Ex⯑eter-Exchange-Gentleman was for penning Ar⯑ticles of his Faith. Some pretty ſmart Pinda⯑rick, (ſays the Red-Stocking Poet) would effe⯑ctually do his Buſineſs. But the Index-maker ſaid there was nothing like an Index to his Homer.

[35] After ſeveral Debates they came to the follow⯑ing Reſolutions.

• Reſolv'd, That every Member of this So⯑ciety, according to his ſeveral Abilities, ſhall contribute ſome way or other to the Defama⯑tion of Mr. Pope.
• Reſolv'd, That towards the Libelling of the ſaid Pope, there be a Sum employ'd not ex⯑ceeding Six Pounds Sixteen ſhillings and Nine Pence (not including Advertiſements.)
• Reſolv'd, That he has on purpoſe, in ſeveral Paſſages, perverted the true ancient Heathen Senſe of Homer, for the more effectual Pro⯑pagation of the Popiſh Religion.
• Reſolv'd, That the Printing of Homer's Battles at this Juncture, has been the Occa⯑ſion of all the Diſturbances of this Kingdom.
• Ordered, That Mr. Barnivelt be invited to be a Member of this Society, in order to make further Diſcoveries.
• Reſolv'd, That a number of effective Er⯑rata's be raiſed out of Pope's Homer (not ex⯑ceeding 1746,) and that every Gentleman who ſhall ſend in one Error, for his Encourage⯑ment ſhall have the whole Works of this So⯑ciety gratis.
• [36] Reſolv'd, That a Sum not exceeding Ten Shillings and Six pence be diſtributed among the Members of this Society for Coffee and Tobacco, in order to enable them the more ef⯑fectually to defame him in Coffee-Houſes.
• Reſolv'd, That towards the further leſſen⯑ing the Character of the ſaid Pope, ſome Per⯑ſons be deputed to abuſe him at Ladies Tea-Tables, and that in conſideration our Authors are not well dreſs'd enough, Mr. C [...]y and Mr. Ke [...]l be deputed for that Service.
• Reſolv'd, That a Ballad be made againſt Mr. Pope, and that Mr. Oldmixon, Mr. Gil⯑don, and Mrs. Centlivre, do prepare and bring in the ſame.
• Reſolv'd, That above all, ſome effectual Ways and Means be found to encreaſe the Joint Stock of the Reputation of this Society, which at preſent is exceeding low, and to give their Works the greater Currency; whether by raiſing the Denomination of the ſaid Works by counterfeit Title Pages, or mixing a greater Quantity of the fine Metal of other Authors, with the Alloy of this Society.
• Reſolv'd, That no Member of this Society for the future mix Stout in his Ale in a Morn⯑ing, and that Mr. B [...] remove from the Hercules and Still.
• [37] Reſolv'd, That all our Members, (except the Cook's Wife) be provided with a ſufficient Quantity of the vivifying Drops, or Byfield's Sal Volatile.
• Reſolv'd, That Sir R [...] B [...] be appointed to endue this Society with a large Quantity of regular and exalted Ferments, in order to enliven their cold Sentiments (being his true Receipt to make Wits.)

Theſe Reſolutions being taken, the Aſſembly was ready to break up, but they took ſo near apart in Mr. Curll's Afflictions, that none of them could leave him without giving him ſome Advice to reinſtate him in his Health.

Mr. Gildon was of opinion, That in order to drive a Pope out of his Belly, he ſhould get the Mummy of ſome deceas'd Moderator of the General Aſſembly in Scotland, to be taken inwardly as an effectual Antidote againſt Anti⯑chriſt; but Mr. Oldmixon did conceive that the Liver of the Perſon who adminiſtred the Poiſon, boil'd in Broth, would be a more certain Cure.

While the Company were expecting the Thanks of Mr. Curll, for theſe demonſtrations of their Zeal, a whole pile of Sir Richard's Eſſays on a ſudden fell on his Head; the Shock of which in an Inſtant brought back his Deliri⯑um. He immediately roſe up, over-turn'd the Cloſe-ſtool, and beſh-t the Eſſays (which may [38] probably occaſion a ſecond Edition) then with⯑out putting up his Breeches, in a moſt furious Tone he thus broke out to his Books, which his diſtemper'd Imagination repreſented to him as alive, coming down from their Shelves flutter⯑ring their Leaves, and flapping their Covers at him.

Now G-d damn all Folio's, Quarto's, Octa⯑vo's and Duodecimo's! ungrateful Varlets that you are, who have ſo long taken up my Houſe without paying for your Lodging?—Are you not the beggarly Brood of fumbling Journeymen; born in Garrets, among Lice and Cobwebs, nurs'd up on Grey Peas, Bullocks Liver, and Porters Ale?—Was not the firſt Light you ſaw, the Farthing candle I paid for? Did you not come before your Time into dirty Sheets of brown Paper?—And have not I cloath'd you in double Royal, lodg'd you handſomely on decent Shelves, lac'd your Backs with Gold, equipt you with ſplendid Titles, and ſent you into the World with the Names of Perſons of Quality? Muſt I be always plagu'd with you? Why flutter ye your Leaves, and flap your Covers at me? Damn ye all, ye Wolves in Sheeps Cloathing; Rags ye were, and to Rags ye ſhall return. Why hold you forth your Texts to me, ye paltry Sermons? Why cry ye—at every Word to me, ye bawdy Poems?—To my Shop at Tunbridge ye ſhall go, by G [...] and thence be drawn like the reſt of your Predeceſſors, bit by bit, to the Paſſage-Houſe; For in this preſent Emotion of my Bowels, how [39] do I compaſſionate thoſe who have great need, and nothing to wipe their Breech with?

Having ſaid this, and at the ſame Time re⯑collecting that his own was yet unwiped, he a⯑bated of his Fury, and with great Gravity, ap⯑ply'd to that Function the unfiniſh'd Sheets of the Conduct of the Earl of N [...]m.

A Strange but True RELATION HOW EDMUND CURLL, of Fleetſtreet, Stationer, Out of an extraordinary Deſire of Lucre, went into Change-Alley, and was converted from the Chriſtian Religion by cer⯑tain Eminent Jews: And how he was circum⯑cis'd and initiated into their Myſteries.

AVARICE (as Sir Richard in the Third Page of his Eſſays hath elegantly obſerv'd) is an inordinate Impulſe of the Soul towards the amaſſing or heaping together a Superfluity of Wealth without the leaſt Regard of applying it to its proper Uſes.

And how the Mind of Man is poſſeſſed with this Vice, may be ſeen every Day both in the City and Suburbs thereof. It has been always eſteemed by Plato, Puffendorf and Socrates, [41] as the darling Vice of old Age: But now our young Men are turn'd Uſurers and Stock-job⯑bers; and, inſtead of luſting after the real Wives and Daughters of our rich Citizens, they covet nothing but their Money and Eſtates. Strange Change of Vice! when the Concupi⯑ſcence of Youth is converted into the Covetouſ⯑neſs of Age, and thoſe Appetites are now be⯑come VENAL which ſhould be VENEREAL.

In the firſt Place, let us ſhew you how many of the ancient Worthies and Heroes of Anti⯑quity have been undone and ruin'd by this Deadly Sin of Avarice.

I ſhall take the Liberty to begin with Brutus, that noble Roman. Does not Aetian inform us that he received Fifty Broad Pieces for the Aſſaſſination of that renowned Emperor Julius Caeſar, who fell a Sacrifice to the Jews, as Sir Edmund Bury Godfrey did to the Pa⯑piſts?

Did not Themiſtocles let in the Goths and Vandals into Carthage for a Sum of Money, where they barbarouſly put out the other Eye of the famous Hannibal? As Herodotus hath it in his ninth Book upon the Roman Medals.

Even the great Cato (as the late Mr. Addi⯑ſon hath very well obſerv'd) though otherwiſe a Gentleman of good Senſe, was not unſully'd by this pecuniary Contagion: For he ſold Athens to Artaxerxes Longimanus for a hundred Rix-Dollars, which in our Money will amount to two Talents and thirty Seſtertii, according to Mr. Demoiver's Calculation. See Heſiod in his 7th Chapter of Feaſts and Feſtivals.

[42] Actuated by the ſame Diabolical Spirit of Gain, Scylla the Roman Conſul ſhot Alcibiades the Senator with a Piſtol, and robb'd him of ſeveral Bank Bills and Chequer Notes to an immenſe Value; for which he came to an un⯑timely End, and was deny'd Chriſtian Burial. Hence comes the Proverb incidat in Scyllam.

To come near to our own Times, and give you one modern Inſtance (tho' well known and often quoted by Hiſtorians, viz. Echard, Dionyſius Halicarnaſſaeus, Virgil, Horace, and others) 'Tis that, I mean, of the famous God⯑frey of Bulloigne, one of the great Heroes of the Holy War, who robb'd Cleopatra Queen of Egypt of a Diamond Necklace, Ear-Rings, and a Tompion's Gold Watch (which was given her by Mark Antony) all theſe things were found in Godfrey's Breeches Pocket, when he was kill'd at the Seige of Damaſcus.

Who then can wonder after ſo many great and illuſtrious Examples that Mr. Edmund Curll the Stationer, ſhould renounce the Chriſtian Religion for the Mammon of Unrighteouſneſs, and barter his precious Faith for the filthy Proſ⯑pect of Lucre in the preſent Fluctuation of Stocks.

It having been obſerved to Mr. Curll by ſome of his ingenious Authors, (who I fear are not over-charg'd with any Religion) what im⯑menſe Sums the Jews had got by Bubbles, &c. he immediately turned his Mind from the Buſineſs in which he was educated, but thriv'd little, and reſolv'd to quit his Shop, for Change Alley. Whereupon falling into Com⯑pany [43] with the Jews at their Club at the Sign of the Croſs in Cornhill, they began to tamper with him upon the moſt important Points of the Chriſtian Faith, which he for ſome time zealouſly, and like a good Chriſtian obſtinately defended. They promiſed him Paradiſe, and many other Advantages here⯑after, but he artfully inſinuated that he was more inclinable to liſten to preſent Gain. They took the Hint, and promis'd him that immedi⯑ately upon his Converſion to their Perſuaſion he ſhould become as rich as a Jew.

They made uſe likewiſe of ſeveral other Ar⯑guments, to wit,

That the wiſeſt Man that ever was, and in⯑aſmuch the richeſt, beyond all peradventure, was a Jew, videlicet Solomon.

That David the Man after God's own Heart, was a Jew alſo. And moſt of the Children of Iſrael, are ſuſpected for holding the ſame Doctrine.

This Mr. Curll at firſt ſtrenuouſly deny'd, for indeed he thought them Roman Catholicks, and ſo far was he from giving way to their Temptations, that to convince them of his Chriſtianity he call'd for a Pork Grisking.

They now promis'd if he would poiſon his Wife and give up his Grisking, that he ſhould marry the rich Ben Meymon's only Daughter. This made ſome Impreſſion on him.

They then talk'd to him in the Hebrew Tongue, which he not underſtanding, it was obſerv'd had very great Weight with him.

[44] They, now perceiving that his Godlineſs was only Gain, deſiſted from all other Arguments, and attack'd him on his weak ſide, namely that of Avarice.

Upon which John Mendez offer'd him an Eighth of an advantagious Bargain for the A⯑poſtles Creed, which he readily and wickedly renounced.

He then ſold the Nine and thirty Articles for a Bull; but inſiſted hard upon Black-Pud⯑dings, being a great Lover thereof.

Joſhua Parrara engag'd to let him ſhare with him in his Bottomrye, upon this he was perſuaded out of his Chriſtian Name; but he ſtill adher'd to Black-Puddings.

Sir Gideon Lopez tempted him with Forty Pound Subſcription in Ram's Bubble; for which he was content to give up the Four Evangeliſts, and he was now compleated a perfect Jew, all but Black-Pudding and Cir⯑cumciſion; for both of which he would have been glad to have had a Diſpenſation.

But on the 17th of March, Mr. Curll (un⯑known to his Wife) came to the Tavern aſore⯑ſaid. At his Entrance into the Room he per⯑ceived a meagre Man with a ſallow Counte⯑nance, a black forky Beard, and long Veſtment. In his Right Hand he held a large Pair of Sheers, and in his Left a red hot Searing-Iron. At Sight of this, Mr. Curll's Heart trembled within him, and feign would he retire; but he was prevented by ſix Jews, who laid Hands upon him, and unbuttoning his Breeches [45] threw him upon the Table, a pale pitiful Spectacle.

He now intreated them in the moſt moving Tone of Voice to diſpenſe with that unmanly Ceremonial, which if they would conſent to, he faithfully promis'd that he would eat a Quarter of Paſchal Lamb with them the next Sunday following.

All theſe Proteſtations availed him nothing, for they threatned him that all Contracts and Bargains ſhould be void unleſs he would ſubmit to bear all the outward and viſible Signs of Judaiſm.

Our Apoſtate hearing this, ſtretched himſelf upon his Back, ſpread his Legs, and waited for the Operation; but when he ſaw the High-Prieſt take up the Cleft Stick, he roared moſt unmercifully, and ſwore ſeveral Chriſtian Oaths, for which the Jews rebuked him.

The Savour of the Effluvia that iſſued from him, convinced the Old Levite and all his Aſſiſtants that he needed no preſent Purgation, wherefore without farther anointing him he proceeded in his Office; when by an unfortunate Jerk upward of the impatient Victim, he loſt five times as much as ever Jew did before,

They finding that he was too much circum⯑cis'd, which by the Levitical Law is worſe than not being circumcis'd at all, refuſed to ſtand to any of their Contracts: Wherefore they caſt him forth from their Synagogue; and he now remains a moſt piteous, woful and miſera⯑ble Sight at the Sign of the Old Teſtament and Dial in Fleet-ſtreet, his Wife, (poor Woman) [46] is at this Hour lamenting over him, wringing her hands and tearing her Hair; for the bar⯑barous Jews ſtill keep, and expoſe at Jonathan's and Garraway's, the Memorial of her Loſs, and her Husband's Indignity.

GOD's Revenge AGAINST PUNNING.
Shewing the miſerable Fates of Perſons addicted to this Crying Sin, in Court and Town.

MAnifold have been the Judgments which Heav'n from Time to Time, for the Chaſtiſement of a Sinful People, has inflicted on whole Nations. For when the Degeneracy becomes Common, 'tis but Juſt the Puniſhment ſhould be General: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate Country, was that deſtructive Pe⯑ſtilence, whoſe Mortality was ſo fatal, as to ſweep away, if Sir William Petty may be believ'd, Five Millions of Chriſtian Souls, beſides Women and Jews.

Such alſo was that dreadful Conflagration en⯑ſuing, in this famous metropolis of London, which conſumed, according to the Computation of Sir Samuel Morland, 100000 Houſes, not to mention Churches and Stables.

[48] Scarce had this Unhappy Nation recover'd theſe Funeſt Diſaſters, when the Abomination of Play-houſes roſe up in this Land: From hence hath an Inundation of Obſcenity flow'd from the Court and overſpread the Kingdom: Even Infants disfigured the Walls of holy Tem⯑ples with exorbitant Repreſentations of the Mem⯑bers of Generation; nay, no ſooner had they learnt to Spell, but they had Wickedneſs enough to Write the Names thereof in large Capitals: an Enormity, obſerv'd by Travellers to be found in no Country but England.

But when Whoring and Popery were driven hence by the Happy Revolution; ſtill the Na⯑tion ſo greatly offended, that Socinianiſm, Ari⯑aniſm and Whiſtoniſm triumph'd in our Streets, and were in a manner become Univerſal.

And yet ſtill, after all theſe Viſitations, it has pleaſed Heaven to viſit us with a Contagi⯑on more Epidemical, and of conſequence more Fatal: This was foretold to us, Firſt, by that unparallel'd Eclipſe in 1714: Secondly, By the dreadful Coruſcation in the Air this preſent Year: And Thirdly, By the Nine Comets ſeen at once over Soho-Square, by Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and Others; a Contagion that firſt crept in amongſt the Firſt Quality, deſcended to their Footman, and infuſed it ſelf into their Ladies: I mean the woful Practice of PUN⯑NING. This does occaſion the Corruption of our Language, and therein of the Word of God tranſlated into our Language, which cer⯑tainly every ſober Chriſtian muſt Tremble at.

[49] Now ſuch is the Enormity of this Abomina⯑tion, that our very Nobles not only commit Punning over Tea, and in Taverns, but even on the Lord's-Day, and in the King's Chappel: Therefore to deter Men from this evil Practice, I ſhall give ſome True and Dreadful Examples of God's Revenge againſt Punſters.

The Right Honourable [...] (but it is not ſafe to inſert the Name of an eminent Nobleman in this Paper, yet I will venture to ſay that ſuch a one has been ſeen; which is all we can ſay, conſidering the largeneſs of his Sleeves:) This young Nobleman was not only a flagitious Pun⯑ſter himſelf, but was acceſſary to the Punning of others, by Conſent, by Provocation, by Conni⯑vance, and by Defence of the Evil committed; for which the Lord mercifully ſpared his Neck, but as a Mark of Reprobation wryed his Noſe.

Another Nobleman of great Hopes, no leſs guilty of the ſame Crime, was made the Pu⯑niſher of himſelf with his own Hand, in the Loſs of 500 Pounds at Box and Dice; whereby this unfortunate young Gentleman incurr'd the heavy Diſpleaſure of his aged Grand-mother.

A Third of no leſs illuſtrious Extraction, for the ſame Vice, was permitted to fall into the Arms of a Dalilah, who may one day cut off his curious Hair, and deliver him up to the Philiſtines.

Colonel F [...], an ancient Gentleman of grave Deportment, gave into this Sin ſo early in his Youth, that whenever his Tongue endea⯑vours [50] to ſpeak Common Senſe, he Heſitates ſo as not to be underſtood.

Thomas Pickle Gentleman, for the ſame Crime, baniſh'd to Minorca.

Muley Hamet, from a healthy and hopeful Of⯑ficer in the Army, turn'd a miſerable Invalid at Tilbury-Fort.

[...] Euſtace, Eſq for the Murder of much of the King's Engliſh in Ireland, is quite depriv'd of his Reaſon, and now remains a lively Inſtance of Emptineſs and Vivacity.

Poor Daniel Button, for the ſame Offence, de⯑priv'd of his Wits.

One Samuel an Iriſhman, for his forward At⯑tempt to Pun, was ſtunted in his Stature, and hath been viſited all his Life after with Bulls and Blunders.

George Simmons, Shoe-maker at Turnſtile in Holborn, was ſo given to this Cuſtom, and did it with ſo much Succeſs, that his Neighbours gave out he was a Wit. Which Report coming a⯑mong his Creditors, no body would truſt him; ſo that he is now a Bankrupt, and his Family in a miſerable Condition.

Divers eminent Clergymen of the Univerſity of Cambridge, for having propagated this Vice, became great Drunkards and Tories.

From which Calamities, the Lord in his Mercy defend us all. &c. &c.

THE WONDERFUL WONDER of WONDERS.

THERE is a certain Perſon lately arrived at this City, whom it is very proper the World ſhould be informed of. His Character may, perhaps, be thought very Inconſiſtent, Improbable, and Unnatural; however I in⯑tend to draw it with the utmoſt Regard to Truth. This I am the better qualified to do, becauſe he is a ſort of Dependant upon our Family, and almoſt of the ſame Age; tho' I cannot directly ſay, I have ever ſecn him. He is a Native of this Country, and hath lived long among us, but what appears wonderful, and hardly credible, was never ſeen before, by any Mortal.

It is true, indeed, he always chuſes the loweſt Place in Company, and contrives it ſo, to keep out of Sight. It is reported, however, that in his younger Days he was frequently expoſed to View, but always againſt his Will, and was ſure to ſmart for it.

As to his Family, he came into the World a Younger Brother, being of ſix Children, the [52] fourth in order of (1) Birth; of which the eldeſt is now Head of the Houſe, the ſecond and third carry Arms: but the two Youngeſt are only Footmen: Some indeed, add, that he hath like⯑wiſe a Twin-Brother, who lives over-againſt him, and keeps a (2) Victualling-Houſe: He has the Reputation to be a cloſe, griping, ſqueezing Fellow; and that when his Bags are full, he is often Needy; yet, when the Fit takes him, as faſt as he gets, he lets it fly.

When in Office, no one diſchargeth himſelf, or does his Buſineſs better. He hath ſome⯑times ſtrained hard for an Honeſt Livelihood, and never got a Bit, till every Body elſe had done.

One Practice appears very blameable in him, that every Morning he privately frequents unclean Houſes, where any modeſt Perſon would bluſh to be ſeen. And altho' this be generally known, yet the World, as Cenſorious as it is, is ſo kind to overlook this Infirmity in him. To deal Im⯑partially, it muſt be granted, that he is too great a Lover of himſelf, and very often conſults his own Eaſe at the Expence of his beſt Friends. But this is one of his blind-Sides; and the beſt of Men I fear are not without them.

He hath been conſtituted by the higher Pow⯑ers in the Station of Receiver-General, in which Employment ſome have cenſured him for play⯑ing faſt and looſe. He is likewiſe Overſeer of the Golden Mines, which he daily inſpects when his Health will permit him.

He was long bred under a (3) Maſter of Arts, who inſtilled good Principles in him, but theſe [53] were ſoon Corrupted. I know not whether this deſerves mention, that he is ſo very Capricious, as to take it for an equal Affront to talk either of kiſſing or kicking him, which hath occaſion'd a Thouſand Quarrels: However no body was ever ſo great a Sufferer for Faults which he nei⯑ther was, nor poſſibly could be guilty of.

In his Religion he has thus much of the Qua⯑ker, that he ſtands always covered, even in the Preſence of the King; in moſt other Points, a perfect (4) Idolater, altho' he endeavours to conceal it; for he is known to offer daily Sacri⯑fices to certain Subterraneous Nymphs, whom he worſhips in an humble Poſture, prone on his Face, and ſtript ſtark Naked, and ſo leaves his Offerings behind him, which the (5) Prieſts of thoſe Goddeſſes are careful enough to remove upon certain Seaſons, with the utmoſt Privacy at Midnight, and from thence maintain'd them⯑ſelves and Families. In all urgent Neceſſities and Preſſures he applies himſelf to theſe Deities, and ſometimes even in the Streets and High-ways, from an Opinion that thoſe Powers have an In⯑fluence in all Places, altho' their peculiar Reſi⯑dence is in Caverns under Ground. Upon theſe Occaſions the faireſt Ladies will not refuſe to lend their Hands to aſſiſt him: For, altho' they are aſham'd to have him ſeen in their Company, or even ſo much as to hear him Named; yet it is well known, that he is one of their conſtant Followers.

In Politicks, he always ſubmits to what is uppermoſt, but he peruſes Pamphlets on both [54] Sides with great Impartiality, tho' ſeldom till every Body elſe have done with them.

His Learning is of a mixed kind, and he may properly be called a Helluo librorum, or another Jacobus de Voragine: tho' his Studies are chiefly confined to School-men, Commentators, and Ger⯑man Divines, together with Modern Poetry and Criticks: And he is an Atomick Philoſopher, ſtrongly maintaining a Void in Nature, which he ſeems to have fairly proved by many Ex⯑periments.

I ſhall now proceed to deſcribe ſome peculiar Qualities, which in ſeveral Inſtances ſeem to diſtinguiſh this Perſon from the common Race of other Mortals.

His Grandfather was a Member of the Rump Parliament, as the Grandſon is of the Preſent, where he often riſes, ſometimes grumbles but never ſpeaks. However, he lets nothing paſs willingly, but what is well digeſted. His Cou⯑rage is indiſputable, for he will take the boldeſt Man alive by the Noſe.

He is generally the firſt a Bed in the Family, and the laſt up, which is to be lamented, becauſe when he happens to riſe before the reſt, it hath been thought to forebode ſome good Fortune to his Superiors.

As Wiſdom is acquired by Age, ſo by every new (6) Wrinkle in his Face, he is reported to gain ſome new Knowledge.

In him we may obſerve the true Effects and Conſequences of Tyranny in a State: For, as he is a great Oppreſſor of all below him, ſo there is no Body more oppreſſed by thoſe above him: [55] Yet in this Time, he hath been ſo highly in Favour, that many Illuſtrious Perſons have been entirely indebted to him for their Prefer⯑ments.

He hath diſcovered from his own Experience the true Point wherein all human Actions, Pro⯑jects, and Deſigns do chiefly terminate; and how mean and ſordid they are at the Bottom.

It behoves the Publick to keep him quiet, for his frequent Murmurs are a certain Sign of inteſtine Tumults.

No Philoſopher ever lamented more the Lu⯑xury, for which theſe Nations are ſo juſtly taxed; it hath been known to coſt him (7) Tears of Blood: For in his own Nature he is far from being Profuſe, tho' indeed, he never ſtays a Night at a Gentleman's Houſe without leaving ſomething behind him.

He receives with g eat Submiſſion whatever his Patrons think fit to give him; and when they lay heavy Burthens upon him, which is fre⯑quently enough, he gets rid of them as ſoon as he can; but not without ſome Labour and much Grumbling.

He is a perpetual Hanger-on; yet no Body knows how to be without him. He patiently fuffers himſelf to be kept under, but loves to be well uſed, and in that Caſe will ſacrifice his Vitals to give you Eaſe; and he has hardly one Aquaintance for whom he hath not been Bound; yet, as far as we can find, was never known to loſe any thing by it.

[56] He is obſerv'd to be very (8) unquiet in the Company of a Frenchman in New Cloaths, or a young Coquett.

He is, in ſhort the Subject of much Mirth and Raillery, which he ſeems to take well enough, tho' it hath not been obſerv'd that ever any good Thing came from himſelf.

There is ſo general an Opinion of his Juſtice, that ſometimes very hard Caſes are left to his Deciſion: And while he ſits upon them, he carries himſelf exactly even between both ſides, except where ſome knotty Point ariſes, and then he is obſerved to lean a little to the Right or Left as the Matter inclines him, but his Reaſons for it are ſo manifeſt and convincing, that every Man approves them.

THE WONDER Of all the Wonders, that ever the World won⯑der'd at.
For all Perſons of Quality and Others.

NEWLY arriv'd at this City the famous Artiſt John Emanuel Schoitz, who to the great Surprize and Satisfaction of all Spe⯑ctators, is ready to do the following Wonderful Performances, the like before never ſeen in this Kingdom.

He will heat a Bar of Iron red hot, and thruſt it into a barrel of Gunpowder before all the Company, and yet it ſhall not take fire.

He lets any Gentleman charge a Blunderbuſs, with the ſame Gunpowder, and twelve Leaden Bullets, which Blunderbuſs the ſaid Artiſt diſ⯑charges full in the Face of the ſaid Company, without the leaſt hurt, the Bullets ſticking in the Wall behind them.

[60] He takes any Gentleman's own Sword, and runs it through the ſaid Gentleman's Body, ſo that the Point appears bloody at the back, to all the Spectators; then he takes out the Sword, wipes it clean, and returns it to the owner, who receives no manner of hurt.

He takes a Pot of Scalding Oyl, and throws it by great Ladles full directly at the Ladies, without ſpoiling their Cloaths or burning their Skins.

He takes any Perſon of Quality's Child from two Years Old to ſix, and lets the Child's own Father or Mother take a Pike in their Hands; then the Artiſt takes the Child in his Arms and toſſes it upon the Point of the Pike, where it ſticks to the great Satisfaction of all Spectators; and is then taken off without ſo much as a hole in his Coat.

He mounts upon a Scaffold juſt over the Spe⯑ctators, and from thence throws down a great Quantity of large Tiles and Stones, which fall like ſo many Pillows, without ſo much as diſ⯑compoſing either Perukes or Head-dreſſes.

He takes any Perſon of Quality up to the ſaid Scaffold, which Perſon pulls off his Shoes, and leaps nine Foot directly down on a Board prepar'd on Purpoſe full of ſharp Spikes ſix Inches long, without hurting his Feet or Damaging his Stockings.

He places the ſaid Board on a Chair, upon which a Lady ſits down with another Lady in her Lap, while the Spikes inſtead of entring into the under Lady's fleſh, will feel like a Velvet Cuſhion.

[61] He takes any Perſon of Quality's Footman, tyes a Rope about his bare Neck, and draws him up by Pullies to the Cieling, and theſe keeps him hanging as long as his Maſter or the Com⯑pany pleaſes, the ſaid Footman to the Wonder and Delight of all Beholders, with a Pot of Ale in one Hand and a Pipe in the other; and when he is let down, there will not appear the leaſt Mark of the Cord about his Neck.

He bids a Lady's Maid put her finger into a Cup of clear Liquor like Water, upon which her Face and both her Hands are immediately wither'd, like an Old Woman of fourſcore, her Belly ſwells as if ſhe were in a Week of her Time, and her Legs are as thick as Mill-Poſts; but upon putting her finger into another Cup, ſhe becomes as Young and Handſome as ſhe was before.

He gives any Gentleman leave to drive forty Twelve-penny Nails up to the Head in a Por⯑ter's backſide, and then places the ſaid Porter on a Loadſtone Chair, which draws out every Nail, and the Porter feels no Pain.

He likewiſe draws the Teeth of half a Dozen Gentlemen, mixes and jumbles them in a Hat, gives any Perſon leave to blindfold him, and raturns each their own, and fixes them as well as ever.

With his Fore-finger and Thumb he thruſts ſeveral Gentlemen's and Lady's Eyes out of their Heads, without the leaſt Pain, at which time they ſee an unſpeakable Number of beauti⯑ful Colours, and after they are entertain'd to the [62] full, he places them again in their proper Sockets, without any Damage to the ſight.

He lets any Gentleman drink a Quart of hot melted Lead, and by a Draught of prepared Liquor, of which he takes part himſelf, he makes the ſaid Lead paſs through the ſaid Gen⯑tleman before all the Spectators, without any Damage: After which it is produced in a Cake to the Company.

With many other Wonderful Performances of Art, too tedious here to mention.

The ſaid Artiſt has perform'd before moſt Kings and Princes in Europe with great Ap⯑plauſe.

He Performs every Day (except Sundays) from Ten of the Clock to One in the Forenoon; and from Four till Seven in the Evening, at the New Inn in Smithfield.

The firſt Seat a Britiſh Crown, the ſecond a Britiſh Half-Crown, and the loweſt a Britiſh Shilling.

N. B. The beſt Hands in Town are to play at the ſaid Show.

REASONS Humbly Offer'd By the Company exerciſing the Trade and Miſtery of UPHOL⯑DERS, againſt Part of the BILL, For the better Viewing, Searching and Examining Drugs, Medicines, &c. 1724.

BEING call'd upon by ſeveral Retailers and Diſpenſers of Drugs and Medicines about Town, to uſe our Endeavours a⯑gainſt the Bill now depending, for Viewing, &c. In regard of our common Intereſt, and in Gra⯑titude to the ſaid Retailers and Diſpenſers of Medicines (which we have always found to be very effectual) we preſume to lay the following Reaſons before the Publick, againſt the ſaid Bill.

That the Company of Upholders are far from being averſe to the giving of Drugs and Me⯑dicines in general, provided they may be of ſuch Qualities as we require, and adminiſter'd by [69] ſuch Perſons in whom our Company juſtly repoſe the greateſt Confidence: And provided they tend to the Encouragement of Trade, and the Con⯑ſumption of the Woollen Manufacture of this Kingdom.

We beg Leave to obſerve, that there hath been no Complaint from any of the Nobility, Gentry and Citizens whom we have attended. Our Practice, which conſiſts chiefly in outward Applications, having been always ſo effectual, that none of our Patients have been oblig'd to undergo a ſe⯑cond Operation. Excepting one Gentlewoman; who, after her firſt Burial, having burthen'd her Husband with a new Brood of poſthumous Chil⯑dren, her ſecond Funeral was by us perform'd without any farther Charges to the ſaid Husband of the deceas'd. And we humbly hope, that one ſingle Inſtance of this Kind (a Misfortune owing meerly to the Avarice of a Sexton in cutting off a Ring) will not be imputed to any Want of Skill, or Care, in our Company.

We humbly conceive, that the Power by this Bill lodged in the Cenſors of the College of Phyſi⯑cians, to reſtrain any of His Majeſty's Sub⯑jects from diſpenſing, and well-diſpoſed Perſons from taking what Medicines they pleaſe, is a manifeſt Encroachment on the Liberty and Proper⯑ty of the Subjects.

As the Company exerciſing the Trade and Miſtery of Upholders, have an undiſputed Right in and upon the Bodies of all and every the Sub⯑jects of the Kingdom; we conceive the paſſing of this Bill, though not abſolutely depriving them of their ſaid Right, might keep them out [70] of Poſſeſſion by unreaſonable Delays, to the great Detriment of our Company and their numerous Families.

We hope it will be conſider'd that there are Multitudes of neceſſitous Heirs and penurious Parents, Perſons in pinching Circumſtances, with numerous Families of Children, Wives that have lived long, many robuſt aged Women with great Jointures, elder Brothers with bad Underſtandings, ſingle Heirs of great Eſtates, whereby the Collateral Line are for ever ex⯑cluded, Reverſionary Patents, and Reverſionary Promiſes of Preferments, Leaſes upon Single Lives, and Play-debts upon joint Lives, and that the Perſons ſo aggrieved have no Hope of being ſpeedily relieved any other Way, than by the diſpenſing of Drugs and Medicines in the Manner they now are; Burying alive being judg'd re⯑pugnant to the known Laws of this Kingdom.

That there are many of the Deceaſed, who by certain mechanical Motions and Powers are carried about Town, who would have been put into our Hands long before this Time by any other well-order'd Government; By want of a due Police in this Particular, our Company have been great Sufferers.

That frequent Funerals contribute to preſerve the Genealogies of Families and the Honours conferred by the Crown, (which are no where ſo well illuſtrated as on this ſolemn Occaſion;) to maintain neceſſitous Clergy, to enable the Clerks to appear in decent Habits to officiate on Sundays, to feed the great Retinue of ſober and melancholy Men who appear at the ſaid Funerals, and who [71] muſt ſtarve without conſtant and regular Em⯑ployment. Moreover we deſire it may be re⯑member'd that by the paſſing of this Bill the No⯑bility and Gentry will have their old Coaches lie upon their Hands, which are now employed by our Company.

And we further hope that frequent Funerals will not be diſcouraged (as is by this Bill pro⯑poſed) it being the only Method left of carrying ſome People to Church.

We are afraid that by the Hardſhips of this Bill our Company will be reduced to leave their Buſineſs here, and practiſe at York and Briſtol, where the free Uſe of bad Medicines will be ſtill allowed.

It is therefore hoped that no ſpecious Pretence whatſoever will be thought ſufficient to introduce an Arbitrary and Unlimited Power for Peope to live (in Defiance of Art) as long as they can by the Courſe of Nature, to the Prejudice of our Com⯑pany, and the Decay of Trade.

That as our Company are like to ſuffer in ſome meaſure by the Power given to Phyſi⯑cians to diſſect the Bodies of Malefactors, we humbly hope that the Manufacture of Caſes for Skeletons will be reſerved ſolely to the Coffin⯑makers.

We likewiſe humbly preſume that the Inte⯑reſts of the ſeveral Trades and Proſeſſions which depend upon ours, may be regarded; ſuch as that of Hearſes, Coaches, Coffins, Epitaphs, and Bell-ropes, Stone-cutters, Feather-men and Bell⯑ringers; and eſpecially the Manuſacturers of Crapes; and the Makers of Snuff, who uſe [72] great Quantities of old Coffins, and who, con⯑ſider'd in the Conſumption of their Drugs, em⯑ploy by far the greateſt Number of Hands of any Manufacture of the Kingdom.

Annus Mirabilis: OR, The Wonderful Effects of the ap⯑proaching Conjunction of the Planets Jupiter, Mars, and Saturn.

I SUPPOSE every Body is ſufficiently ap⯑priz'd of, and duly prepar'd for the famous Conjunction to be celebrated the 29th of this Inſtant December, 1722, foretold by all the Sages of Antiquity, under the Name of the Annus Mirabilis, or the Metamorphoſtical Con⯑junction; a Word which denotes the mutual Transformation of Sexes, (the Effect of that Configuration of the Celeſtial Bodies) the human Males being to be turn'd into Females, and the human Females into Males.

[74] The Egyptians have repreſented this great Transformation by ſeveral ſignificant Hierogly⯑phicks, particularly one very remarkable. There are carv'd upon an Obelisk, a Barber and a Midwife; the Barber delivers his Ra⯑zor to the Midwife, and ſhe her Swadling Cloaths to the Barber. Accordingly Thales Mileſius (who, like the reſt of his Countrymen, borrow'd his Learning from the Egyptians) af⯑ter having computed the Time of this famous Conjunction, Then, ſays he, ſhall Men and Wo⯑men mutually exchange the Pangs of Shaving and Child-bearing.

Anaximander modeſtly deſcribes this Meta⯑morphoſis in mathematical Terms: Then, ſays he, ſhall the negative Quantity of the Women be turn'd into poſitive, their [...] into ✚; (i. e.) their Minus into Plus.

Plato not only ſpeaks of this great Change, but deſcribes all the Preparations towards it. ‘"Long before the bodily Transformation (ſays he) Nature ſhall begin the moſt difficult Part of her Work, by changing the Ideas and Inclinations of the two Sexes: Men ſhall turn effeminate, and Women manly; Wives ſhall domineer, and Husbands obey; Ladies ſhall ride a Horſeback, dreſs'd like Cavaliers; Princes and Nobles appear in Night-rails and Petticoats; Men ſhall ſqueak upon Theatres with Female Voices, and Women corrupt Virgins; Men ſhall knot and cut Paper; and even the Northern People, [...]: A Phraſe (which for Modeſty's Sake [75] I forbear to tranſlate) which denotes a Vice too frequent amongſt us."’ So far Plato.

That the Miniſtry foreſaw this great Change, is plain from the Callico-Act; whereby it is now become the Occupation of the Women all over England, to convert their uſeleſs Female Habits into Beds, Window-Curtains, Chairs, and Joint-ſtools; undreſſing themſelves (as it were) before their Transformation.

The Philoſophy of this Transformation will not ſeem ſurpriſing to People, who ſearch into the Bottom of Things. Madam Bourignon, a devout French Lady, has ſhewn us, how Man was at firſt created Male and Female in one In⯑dividual, having the Faculty of Propagation with⯑in himſelf: A Circumſtance neceſſary to the State of Innocence, wherein a Man's Happineſs was not to depend upon the Caprice of another. It was not till after he had made a ſaux pas, that he had his Female Mate. Many ſuch Trans⯑formations of Individuals have been well atteſted; particularly one by Montaigne, and another by the late Biſhop of Salisbury. From all which it appears, that this Syſtem of Male and Female has already undergone, and may hereafter ſuffer ſeveral Alterations. Every Smatterer in Anato⯑my knows, that a Woman is but an introverted Man; a new Fuſion and Flatus will turn the hollow Bottom of a Bottle into a Convexity; but I forbear, (for the Sake of my Modeſt Men Rea⯑ders, who are in a few Days to be Virgins.)

In ſome Subjects, the ſmalleſt Alterations will do: ſome Men are ſufficiently ſpread about the Hips, and contriv'd with that Female Softneſs, [76] that they want only the Negative Quantity to make them Buxom Wenches; and there are Women who are, as it were, already the Ebauche of a good ſturdy Man. If Nature cou'd be puz⯑zl'd, it will be how to beſtow the redundant Matter of the exuberant Bubbies that now ap⯑pear about Town, or how to roll out the ſhort dapper Fellows into well-ſiz'd Women.

This great Conjunction will begin to operate on Saturday the 29th Inſtant. Accordingly, a⯑bout Eight at Night, as Senezino ſhall begin at the Opera, Si videte, Did you but ſee? He ſhall be obſerved to make an unuſual Motion; upon which the Audience will be affected with a red Suffuſion over their Countenance: And becauſe a ſtrong Succeſſion of the Muſcles of the Belly is neceſſary towards performing this great Ope⯑ration, both Sexes will be thrown into a profuſe involuntary Laughter; Then (to uſe the modeſt Terms of Anaximander) ſhall negative Quantity be turn'd into poſitive, &c. Time never beheld, nor will it ever aſſemble, ſuch a Number of un⯑touch'd Virgins within thoſe Walls! but alas! ſuch will be the Impatience and Curioſity of People to act in their new Capacity, that many of them will go to pot that very Night. To prevent the Diſorders that may happen upon this Occaſion, is the chief Deſign of this Paper.

Gentlemen have begun already to make uſe of this Conjunction to Compaſs their filthy Pur⯑poſes. They tell the Ladies forſooth, that it is only parting with a periſhable Commodity; hard⯑ly of ſo much Value as a Callico Under-petti⯑coat, [77] ſince, like its Miſtreſs, it will be uſeleſs in the Form it is now in. If the Ladies have no Regard to the Diſhonour and Immorality of the Action, I deſire they will conſider that Nature, who never deſtroys her own Productions, will exempt big-belly'd Women till the time of their Lying-in; ſo that not to be transform'd, will be the ſame as to be pregnant. If they don't think it worth while to defend a Fortreſs that is to be demoliſh'd in a few Days, let them reflect that it will be a melancholy thing Nine Months hence, to be brought to Bed of a Baſtard; a poſthumous Baſtard as it were, to which the Quondam Father can be no more than a dry Nurſe.

This wonderful Transformation is the Inſtru⯑ment of Nature, to balance Matters between the Sexes. The Cruelty of ſcornful Miſtreſſes ſhall be return'd; The ſlighted Maid ſhall grow into an imperious Gallant, and reward her Undoer with a big Belly, and a Baſtard, &c.

It is hardly poſſible to imagine the Revolutions that this wonderful Phaenomenon will occaſion over the Face of the Earth. I long impatiently to ſee the Proceedings of the Parliament of Paris, as to the Title of Succeſſion to their Crown; this be⯑ing a Caſe not provided for by the Salique Law. There will be no preventing Diſorders amongſt Friars and Monks; for certainly Vows of Cha⯑ſtity don't bind but under the Sex in which they were made. The ſame will hold good with Mar⯑riages, tho' I think it will be a Scandal amongſt Proteſtants for Husbands and Wives to part, ſince there remains ſtill a poſſibility to perform the De⯑bitum [78] Conjugale by the Husbands being femme Cou⯑verte. I ſubmit it to the Judgment of the Gen⯑tlemen of the Long Robe, whether this Transfor⯑mation does not diſcharge all Suits of Rapes?

The Pope muſt undergo a new groping; but the falſe Prophet Mahomet has contriv'd Matters well for his Succeſſors; for as the Grand Signior has now a great many fine Women, he will then have as many fine young Gentlemen at his Devotion.

Theſe are ſurprizing Scenes, but I beg leave to affirm, that the ſolemn Operations of Nature are Subjects of Contemplation, not of Ridicule; there⯑fore I make it my earneſt Requeſt to the merry Fellows, and giggling Girls about Town, that they would not put themſelves in a high Twitter, when they go to viſit a General Lying in of his firſt Child; his Officers ſerving as Midwifes, Nur⯑ſes and Rockers diſpenſing Caudle; or if they be⯑hold the Reverend Prelates dreſſing the Heads and airing the Linnen at Court, I beg they will re⯑member that theſe Offices muſt be fill'd with Peo⯑ple of the greateſt Regularity, and beſt Characters. For the ſame Reaſon, I am ſorry that a certain Prelate, who notwithſtanding his Confinement, ſtill preſerves his healthy, chearful Countenance, cannot come in time to be a Nurſe at Court,

I likewiſe earneſtly intreat the Maids of Ho⯑nour, (then Enſigns and Captains of the Guards) that, at their firſt ſetting out, they have ſome Re⯑gard to their former Station; and do not run wild through all the infamous Houſes about Town. That the preſent Grooms of the Bed-Chamber (then Maids of Honour) would not eat Chalk and Lime [79] in their Green-Sickneſs; and in general, that the Men would remember that they are become Re⯑tremingent, and not by Inadvertency lift up againſt Walls and Poſt.

Petticoats will not be burdenſome to the Cler⯑gy; but Balls and Aſſemblies will be indecent for ſome Time.

As for you, Coquettes, Bawds, and Chamber⯑maids, (the future Miniſters, Plenipotentaries and Cabinet-Counſellors to the Princes of the Earth) manage the great Intrigues that will be committed to your Charge, with your uſual Secrecy and Conduct; and the Affairs of your Maſter will go better than ever.

O ye Exchange Women! (our Right Wor⯑ſhipful Repreſentatives that are to be) be not ſo griping in the Sale of your Ware as your Predeceſſors, but conſider that the Nation, like a ſpend-thrift Heir, has run out: Be likewiſe a little more continent in your Tongues than you are at preſent, elſe the Length of Debates will ſpoil your Dinners.

You Houſewifely good Women, who now preſide over the Confectionary, (henceforth Com⯑miſſioners of the Treaſury) be ſo [...] as to diſ⯑pence the Sugar-Plumbs of the Government with a more impartial and frugal Hand.

Ye Prudes and cenſorious old Maids, (the Hopes of the Bench) exert but your uſual Talent of finding Faults, and the Laws will be ſtrictly exe⯑cuted; only I would not have you proceed upon ſuch ſlender Evidences as you have done hitherto.

It is from you, eloquent Oyſter-Merchants of Billingsgate, (juſt ready to be call'd to the Bar, [80] and quoif'd like your Siſter-Serjeants,) that we expect the ſhortening the Time, and leſſening the Expences of Law-Suits: For I think you are oblig'd to bring your Debates to a ſhort Iſſue; and even cuſtom will reſtrain you from taking the Oyſter and leaving only the Shell to your Cli⯑ents.

O ye Phyſicians, who in the Figure of old Wo⯑men are to clean the Tripe in the Markets; ſcour it as effectually as you have done that of your Patients, and the Town will fare moſt deliciouſly on Saturdays.

I cannot but congratulate human Nature, up⯑on this happy Transformation; the only Expedi⯑ent left to reſtore the Liberties and Tranquility of Mankind; which is ſo evident, that it is al⯑moſt an Affront to common Senſe to inſiſt upon the Proof of it. If there can be any ſuch ſtupid Creature who doubts it, I deſire he will make but the following obvious Reflection: There are in Europe alone, at preſent, about a Million of ſturdy Fellows, under the Denomination of ſtan⯑ding Forces, with Arms in their Hands: That thoſe are Maſters of the Lives, Liberties and For⯑tunes of all the reſt, I believe no body will deny. It is no leſs true in Fact, that Reams of Paper, and above a ſquare Mile of Skins of Vel⯑lum have been employ'd to no Purpoſe, to ſettle Peace amongſt thoſe Sons of Violence. Pray, who is he that will ſay unto them, Go and diſ⯑band your ſelves? But lo! by this Transformation it is done at once, and the Halcyon Days of pub⯑lick Tranquility return. For neither the Military Temper nor Dicipline can taint the ſoft Sex for a [81] whole Age to come. Bellaque matribus inviſa' Wars odious now to Mothers, will not grow immediately palatable in their Paternal State.

Nor will the Influence of this Transformation be leſs in Family-Tranquility, than it is in Natio⯑nal. Great Faults will be amended, and Frailties forgiven, on both Sides. A Wife who has been diſturb'd with late Hours, and choak'd with the Haugoût of a Sot, will remember her Sufferings, and avoid the Temptation; and will, for the ſame Reaſon, indulge her Mate in his Female Capacity in ſome Paſſions, which ſhe is ſenſible from Expe⯑rience are natural to the Sex. Such as Vanity of fine Cloths, being admir'd, &c. And now tender⯑ly muſt ſhe uſe her Mate under the Breeding Qualms and Labour-Pains, which ſhe hath felt her ſelf? In ſhort, all unreaſonable Demands upon Husbands muſt ceaſe, becauſe they are al⯑ready ſatisfy'd from natural Experience that they are impoſſible. That the Ladies may govern the Affairs of the World, and the Gentlemen thoſe of their Houſhold, better than either of them have hitherto done, is the hearty deſire of,

VIRGILIUS RESTAURATUS: SEU MARTINI SCRIBLERI Summi Critici CASTIGATIONUM in AENEIDEM SPECIMEN:

AENEIDEM to tam, Amice Lector, innumerabilibus poene mendis ſcaturientem, ad priſtinum ſenſum revocabi⯑mus. In ſingulis ferè verſibus ſpuriae occurrunt lecti⯑ones, in omnibus quos unquam vidi codicibus, aut vul⯑gatis aut ineditis, ad opprobrium uſque Criticorum in hune diem exiſtentes. Interea adverte oculos, & his paucis ſruere. At ſi quae ſint in hiſce caſtigationibus, de quibus non ſatis liquet, ſyllabarum quantitates, [...] noſtra Libro ipſi prae ſigenda, ut conſulas, monco.

It cannot Rain but it Pours: OR, LONDON ſtrow'd with Rarities.
BEING, An ACCOUNT of the Arrival of a White Bear, at the Houſe of Mr. Ratcliff in Biſhopſgate-Street: As alſo of the Fauſtina, the celebrated Italian Singing Woman; And of the Copper-Farthing Dean from Ireland.
And Laſtly, Of the wonderful Wild Man that was nurſed in the Woods of Germany by a Wild Beaſt, hunted and taken in Toyls; how he behaveth himſelf like a dumb Creature, and is a Chriſtian like one of us, being call'd Peter; and how he was brought to Court all in green, to the great Aſtoniſhment of the Quality and Gentry, 1726.

WE ſhall begin with a Deſcription of Peter the Savage, deferring our other Curioſities to ſome following Papers.

Romulus and Remus, the two famous wild Men of Antiquity, and Orſin that of the Moderns, have been juſtly the Admiration of all Mankind: Nor can we preſage leſs of this wild Youth, as may be gather'd from that famous and well known Prophecy of Lilly's, which being now accompliſh'd, is moſt eaſily interpreted.

The Pope is now going to Benevento: the Spaniards having broke their Treaty; the Em⯑peror Trades to China; and Lilly, were he alive, muſt be convinced, that it was not the Empreſs Fauſtina that was meant in the Pro⯑phecy.

It is evident by ſeveral Tokens about this wild Gentleman, that he had a Father and Mo⯑ther like one of us; but there being no Regiſter of his Chriſtening, his Age is only to be gueſſed at by his Stature and Countenance, and appeareth to be about Twelve or Thirteen. His being ſo young was the Occaſion of the great Diſappoint⯑ment of the Ladies, who came to the Drawing Room in full Expectation of ſome Attempt upon their Chaſtity: So far is true, that he endeavour'd to Kiſs the young Lady W [...]le, who for that rea⯑ſon is become the Envy of the Circle; this being a Declaration of Nature, in favour of her ſupe⯑rior Beauty.

Ariſtotle ſaith, That Man is the moſt Mimick of all Animals; which Opinion of that great Philoſopher is ſtrongly confirm'd by the Beha⯑viour of this wild Gentleman, who is endow'd with that Quality to an extream Degree. He receiv'd his firſt Impreſſions at Court: His [108] Maners are, firſt to lick People's Hands, and then turn his Breech upon them; to thurſt his Hand into every body's Pocket; to climb over People's Heads; and even to make uſe of the Royal Hand, to take what he has a mind to. At his firſt Appearance he ſeiz'd on the Lord Cham⯑berlain's Staff, and put on his Hat before the King; from whence ſome have conjectur'd, that he is either deſcended from a Grandee of Spain, or the Earls of Kingſale in Ireland. However, theſe are manifeſt Tokens of his innate Ambi⯑tion; he is extreamly tenacious of his own Pro⯑perty, and ready to invade that of other People. By this mimick Quality he diſcover'd what wild Beaſt had nurs'd him: Obſerving Children to ask Bleſſing of their Mothers, one Day he fell down upon his Knees to a Sow, and mutter'd ſome Sounds in that humble Poſture.

It has been commonly thought, that he is Ulrick's natural Brother, becauſe of ſome reſem⯑blance of Manners, and the officious Care of Ul⯑rick about him; but the Superiority of the Parts and Genius in Peter, demonſtrates this to be impoſſible.

Though he is ignorant both of ancient and mo⯑dern Languages, (that Care being left to the inge⯑nious Phyſician, who is entruſted with his Educa⯑tion) yet he diſtinguiſhes Objects by certain Sounds fram'd to himſelf, which Mr. Rotenberg, who brought him over, underſtands perfectly. Behold⯑ing one day the Shambles with great Fear and Aſtoniſhment, ever ſince he calls Man by the ſame Sound which expreſſeth Wolf. A young Lady is a Peacock, old Women Mag-pyes and Owls; a [109] Beau with a Toupee, a Monkey; Glaſs, Ice; Blue, Red, and Green Ribbons, he calls Rainbows; an Heap of Gold a Turd. The firſt Ship he ſaw, he took to be a great Beaſt ſwimming on her Back, and her Feet tied above her: The Men that came out of the Hold he took to be her Cubs, and won⯑der'd they were ſo unlike their Dam. He under⯑ſtands perfectly the Language of all Beaſts and Birds, and is not, like them, confin'd to that of one Species. He can bring any Beaſt what he calls for, and no doubt is much miſs'd now in his Na⯑tive Woods, where he us'd to do good Offices among his Fellow Citizens, and ſerv'd as a Medi⯑ator to reconcile their Differences. One Day he warn'd a Flock of Sheep that were driving to the Shambles, of their Danger, and upon uttering ſome Sounds, they all fled. He takes vaſt Pleaſure in Converſation with Horſes; and going to the Meuſe to converſe with two of his intimate Ac⯑quaintances in the King's Stable, as he paſs'd by, he Neighed to the horſe at Charing-Croſs; being as it were ſurpriz'd to ſee him ſo high, he ſeem'd to take it ill that the Horſe did not anſwer him; but I think no body can undervalue his Under⯑ſtanding for not being skill'd in Statuary.

He expreſſeth his Joy moſt commonly by Neighing; and whatever the Philoſophers may talk of their Riſibility, Neighing is a more No⯑ble Expreſſion of that Paſſion than Laughing, which ſeems to me to have ſomething Silly in it; and beſides, is often attended with Tears. Other Animals are ſenſible they debaſe themſelves, by mimicking Laughter; and I take it to be a general Obſervation, that the top Felicity of Mankind is [110] to imitate Monkeys, and Birds: Witneſs Harte⯑quins, Scaramouches and Maſquerades; on the other Hand, Monkeys, when they would look extreamly ſilly, endeavour to bring themſelves down to Mankind. Love he expreſſeth by the Cooing of a Dove, and Anger by the Croaking of a Raven, and it is not doubted but that he will ſerve in Time as an Interpreter between us and other Animals.

Great Inſtruction is to be had from this wild Youth in the knowledge of Simples; and I am of Opinion, that he ought always to attend the Cenſors of the College in their Viſitation of Apo⯑thecaries Shops.

I am told that the new Sect of Herb-eaters in⯑tend to follow him into the Fields, or to beg him for a Clerk of their Kitchen: And that there are many of them now thinking of turning their Chil⯑dren into Woods to Graze with the Cattle, in hopes to raiſe a healthy and moral Race, refin'd from the Corruptions of this Luxurious World.

He ſings naturally ſeveral pretty Tunes of his own Compoſing, and with equal Facility, in the Chromatick, Inharmonick, and Diatonick Stile, and conſequently muſt be of infinite Uſe to the Academy, in judging of the Merits of their Com⯑poſers, and is the only Perſon that ought to decide betwixt Cuzzoni and Fauſtina.

I cannot omit his firſt Notion of Cloaths, which he took to be the natural Skins of the Crea⯑tures that wore them, and ſeem'd to be in great Pain for the pulling off a Stocking, thinking the poor Man was a Fleaing.

I am not ignorant that there are diſaffected Peo⯑ple, [111] who ſay he is a Pretender, and no genuine wild Man. This Calumny proceeds from the falſe Notions they have of wild Men, which they frame from ſuch as they ſee about the Town, whoſe Actions are rather abſurd than wild; therefore it will be incumbent on all young Gentlemen, who are ambitious to excel in this Character, to Copy this true Original of Nature.

The Senſes of this wild Man are vaſtly more acute than thoſe of a tame One; he can follow the Track of a Man, or any other Beaſt of Prey. A Dog is an Aſs to him for finding Troufles; his Hearing is more perfect, becauſe his Ears not ha⯑ving been confin'd by Bandages, he can move them like a Drill, and turn them towards the So⯑norous Object.

Let us pray the Creator of all Beings, Wild and Tame, that as this wild Youth, by being brought to Court, has been made a Chriſtian; ſo ſuch as are at Court, and are no Chriſtians, may lay aſide their Savage and Rapacious Nature, and return to the Meekneſs of the Goſpel.

An INFALIBLE SCHEME To Pay the PUBLICK DEBT OF IRELAND in Six Months.

THE great Diſtreſs of this unhappy Country, is too viſible to all, except thoſe who have Power to redreſs it.

We may obſerve thro' the whole Nation one univerſal Complaint of the Decay of Trade, the Oppreſſion of Landlords, and the Deficiency of Money; and yet I cannot find among all the Schemes propoſed to leſſen theſe Evils, any one in particular, which ſeems likely to ſucceed.

But, what is ſtill an Addition to this me⯑lancholy Proſpect of Affairs, is the unbounded Luxury and Extravagance, both in Apparel and [113] Entertaiments, which Perſons of all Ranks and Degrees run into at preſent, tho' in general we labour under ſuch Hardſhips and Poverty.

We are affected in a quite different Manner from all the Nations upon Earth; for, with others, Wealth is the Mother of Luxury, but with us Poverty has the very ſame Effect: With others, Scarcity is the Parent of Induſtry, but with us it is the Nurſe of Idleneſs and Vice.

We labour to imitate our neighbouring King⯑doms in nothing but their Extravagance, with⯑out having the ſame plentiful Aids of Commerce, or applying ourſelves to the Study of Fair-deal⯑ing to maintain it. So that, in ſhort, by our own ill Management, we are brought to ſo low an Ebb of Wealth and Credit, that our Condi⯑tion ſeems incapable of any Relief.

But as I have the Intereſt of this miſguided People very much at Heart, I do not intend this Eſſay as a Detection of their preſent Grievan⯑ces, but as a Remedy againſt them. And for that Purpoſe I have labour'd to find out ſuch a Scheme as will diſcharge our publick Debt with all poſſible Eaſe and Pleaſure to the Subject, and in ſo ſhort a Time, that we may neither com⯑plain of being oppreſſed with long continued Taxes, (as ſome unreaſonable People often pre⯑ſume to do) nor quite deſpair of being once more in a thriving Condition.

Let us conſider what thoſe Vices are, which at preſent prevail moſt among us; and I believe, upon Enquiry, they will be found Perjury, For⯑nication, Drunkenneſs, Swearing, Slander, Infi⯑delity, Fraud, Blaſphemy, and many others. [114] Would it not then be worthy of our Conſiderati⯑on whether a moderate Tax upon every parti⯑cular Vice, inſtead of laying an additional Duty upon Wine, Hops, and other Commodities, wou'd not ſupply us with a ſufficient Sum in a very ſhort Time? Such a Tax muſt of Neceſſity yield a vaſt Revenue, and prove the moſt infallible, and indeed the only Scheme for our Proſperi⯑ty, if it ſhall be thought proper to be conti⯑nued.

But, before I proceed to Particulars, it may not be amiſs to premiſe, that this Tax is not deſigned for any one County or Province in this Kingdom, but to extend itſelf univerſally over the whole Nation; becauſe different Vices may flouriſh in different Counties, as different Plants in their different Soils; as Perjury in one, Theft in another, Diſſimulation and Flattery in an⯑other, Rapine in another, and ſo of the reſt: However, I take Theft to be our peculiar ſtaple Vice.

And leaſt any Diſputes may hereafter ariſe about the Nature of Perjury, the Intention of the Act in this particular, or what Perſons are to be ſubject to this Tax, I muſt here alſo pre⯑miſe, that every Lie confirmed by an Oath, is undoubtedly Perjury, whether before a Ma⯑giſtrate, or behind a Counter. And, therefore, we do not doubt, but the Trading Part of our People, will be great Benefactors to the Pub⯑lick, in this particular Article, as well as many others.

Theſe two Things being premis'd, let us [115] ſuppoſe that in this large Country, 5000 Per⯑ſons are guilty of this Infirmity each Day-Which Computation muſt be allow'd very mo⯑derate, if we recollect that this Number is not above a four-hundredth Part of the Inhabitants of this Kingdom, who are generally computed to amount to Two Millions. And if we further conſider what ſtrong Inducements our Natives have to practiſe it, from its being often ſo ex⯑ceeding beneficial; if we conſider the great Uſe made of it in all Sorts of Traffick; the great Demands for it in Law-ſuits; the great Advan⯑tage of it in Elections, and the undeniable Profit of it in all Proſecutions, we ſhall think the Num⯑ber of 5000 ſtill more reaſonable.

Let us then ſuppoſe every one of this Number to be perjur'd, only once every Day, (which is a very favourable Suppoſition) and ſubject only to a Tax of Sixpence for each Offence; for which Sum, perhaps, he may procure either the Death of an Enemy, an Eſtate for his Friend, or a Fortune for himſelf, (all which are eſteem'd very deſirable) the Tax will be too inconſidera⯑ble to make any one murmur, and yet will yield the Sum of 125l. per Day, towards diſcharging our National Debt.

Beſides, this Tax, tho' very low, may in Reality be very profitable for Mankind; for At⯑tornies, Sollicitors, Uſurers, Butchers, and other honeſt Traders, will ſcarce think it anſwerable to the Expence of Time, to forſwear themſelves for any Profit from One Penny to Six Pence in⯑cluſive, (as now cuſtomary) but will at leaſt, [116] for every Tranſgreſſion, expect to gain ſufficient to defray the Tax.

However, I would have all ſworn Conſtables, and all Collectors of this and many other Taxes, entirely exempted from any Penalty as priviledg'd Perſons; becauſe by that Means they will be enabled to be very ſerviceable in their ſeveral Stations.

Fornication, as the World is at preſent, would furniſh the Publick with a large Sum, even at a very moderate Tax; for it is now made an eſſential Part of the polite Gentleman's Chara⯑cter, and he that has prevail'd on the greateſt Number, proportionably riſes in Reputation.

Let us then compute that in the ſeveral Parts of this Nation, 5000 per Day, were liable to be taxed for this general Vice, only at two Shillings: The Sum ariſing from this to the publick Good, will amount to 500l. per Day, and in Six Months to almoſt one Third of our National Debt.

I know it may be here objected, that I have computed upon too ſmall a Number, and that I might juſtly account rather upon Twenty or Thirty Thouſand per Day, in the ſeveral Coun⯑ties of this Kingdom: But, tho' I own this Ob⯑jection to be very ſtrong, if we were to conſider the Opportunities of Wakes, Patron-Days, Hay⯑making Seaſons, May-Days, Religious Pilgrima⯑ges to Holy Wells, Balls publick and private, and many other commodious Scenes for that kind of Entertainment; yet I would rather chuſe to err on the right Side in too ſmall, than too great a Computation.

[117] I know the Popiſh Clergy will make ſtrong Remonſtrances againſt this Tax; and plead, that it is deſign'd to oppreſs them; that all Nations of the Earth allow them a Toleration in this particular Point, as they are frail Mortals, and ſworn to Celibacy; and what is ſtill worſe, that ſuch a Tax would be the moſt effectual Means to drain them of their whole Revenues; but as I would not have ſuch pious Perſons juſtly complain of the leaſt Rigour, I ſhall readily agree to their being exempted.

Drunkenneſs I would only Tax at Six Pence, becauſe it might be prejudicial to His Majeſty's Revenue, to diſcourage it, and conſequently ſub⯑ject the Propoſer to Penalties.

Let us then compute, that only Twenty Thouſand Perſons, (which is but one hundredth Part of the People in this Kingdom) were daily liable to be tax'd, the Amount would be 500l. per Day. And how extreamly moderate this Computation is, may appear to any one who conſiders, that beſides the uſual Opportunities of Taverns, and private Houſes, there are Ele⯑ctions, Fairs, Mayor's Feaſts, Univerſity Treats, Corporation Dinners, Chriſtmas Regales, Wed⯑dings and Chriſtnings, both in Town and Coun⯑try, and many other irreſiſtible Inducements to this manly Vice, which would, perhaps, if nice⯑ly calculated, daily furniſh us with two Thirds more than our computed Number, and by that Means greatly conduce to the Publick Good.

But, however, I would by all Means exempt all Country Juſtices of the Peace, whether [118] Squires or Parſons: becauſe it would be unſeem⯑ly to ſee ſuch honourable and reverend Perſona⯑ges inſulted by meaner Officers, as often as they might be diſcover'd in ſuch a Condition.

Swearing would be a moſt univerſal Benefit in this Caſe; becauſe, at preſent, it ſerves to ſeaſon the Diſcourſe of all Ranks and Degrees of Men. It is the principal Ingredient and Decoration of all modern Jokes, Gibes, Quarrels, Love-Speeches, Diſputes, Threats and Promiſes, and conſequently capable of affording an incredible Revenue.

However, let us ſuppoſe 40000 Perſons per Day, liable to the Tax of Six Pence only for each Offence of this Kind; which, conſidering the great Number of Markets, Coffee-Houſes, Shambles, Barracks, and Gaming-Houſes in this Kingdom, is a very inconſiderable Number; yet even this Article will furniſh us with 1000l. per Day, which would amount to near two Thirds of the publick Debt.

Our Laws have amerced each Offence in this way at One Shilling, ordering one half to the Informer, and the other to the Poor, which, in my humble Opinion, was very ill concerted; for if the Legiſlature did really intend that this Law ſhould be punctually enforced, they ought to have divided the whole Mulct between the In⯑former and the Juſtice, without any regard to the Poor, and then, they might be aſſured, it would be vigorouſly executed.

I am already apprehenſive, that all military Perſons will expect an Exemption from Taxes on this Account; becauſe they may plead Pre⯑cedents [119] for many Generations, may alledge the Power of Cuſtom, the Decency and Comlineſs of it, when properly mingled with other Diſ⯑courſe, or that the cenſorious World would per⯑haps ſuſpect they knew nothing of God at all, if they did not ſometimes mention his Name; and many other Reaſons of equal Weight: But though theſe Remonſtrances are very juſt, yet as this is the only Means by which, ſome think a Standing Army can conduce to the national Good, it will be hard to exempt them.

However, as the military Power would infal⯑libly be liable to this Tax in all its Branches, by which Means they might be utterly impove⯑riſh'd, I believe it may not be improper to al⯑low all Foot-Soldiers and Field-Officers, all young Enſigns, ſpruce Cornets, naval Captains, Cabin-Boys and Quarter-Maſters, forty or fifty Oaths a Day, entirely free from any Tax or Pe⯑nalty.

As for Slander, ſuppoſing only twenty thou⯑ſand per Day, taxed at Six Pence for every Of⯑fence, this Article would daily afford the Publick (at the loweſt reaſonable Computation) five hun⯑dred Pounds.

And, as this is a favourite Talent, we might have ventur'd to tax it much higher; but I would not ſeem to diſcourage ſo charitable a Diſ⯑poſition, eſpecially where it may promote the Intereſt of my Country.

As to the Ladies, I have been always too great an Admirer of theirs, to deſire any Re⯑ſtriction ſhould be laid on their Pleaſure, either private or publick; and therefore I would have [120] them tax'd only half as much as the Men for every little Error of this Kind; becauſe Slan⯑der, in Men, is a Talent unnatural and acquired, and generally practiſed to ingratiate themſelves with the oppoſite Sex; whereas this genteel Fail⯑ing in Females, is innate, and impoſſible to be reſtrain'd; which is a Caſe that demands our ut⯑moſt Compaſſion.

I think all Drawing-Rooms, Aſſemblies, and all Places of publick Reſort for Ladies, ought to be exempt from any Penalty, becauſe it is ſo ma⯑terial a Part of the Diſcourſe and Amuſement of thoſe Places, that to tax them for each Offence, would be in Effect, to enjoin them perpetual Si⯑lence; which, if it were poſſible, would be too great a Misfortune, both to themſelves and the World, to be exacted from them.

Infidelity and Blaſphemy would furniſh us with a conſiderable Sum; and as they are not originally of our own Growth, but annually imported from neighbouring Kingdoms, they ought to be ſubject to ſome Duty, which in few Years would probably be a vaſt Addition to the publick Revenue. Yet as this Traffick is prin⯑cipally carried on by young Lawyers, and tra⯑velling Squires, any Attempt to tax it would certainly meet with too vigorous an Oppoſition. But on condition it might paſs into a Law, I would gladly exempt both Lawyers of all Ages, Subaltern, and Field-Officers, young Heirs, Dan⯑cing-Maſters, Pick-Pockets, and Players,

Let us now only conſider the ſeveral Sums ariſing from the Tax on our Vices, as we have before computed them, and the Juſtneſs and [121] Infallibility of this Scheme muſt appear demon⯑ſtrably.

which in 182 Days or half a Year, will amount to 477,750l. which is conſiderably more than our National Debt.

But, left by the univerſal Poverty of our People, which is much to be fear'd, or by their growing more virtuous, which never can be reaſonably ap⯑prehended, this daily Income ſhould fall ſhort of what we have computed, I muſt humbly beg Leave to offer ſome other Improvements of this Scheme, which will undoubtedly anſwer all Defi⯑ciencies.

And for this Purpoſe, what if a ſevere Tax was laid on all manner of Perſons who preſum'd to marry 'till they were full Forty Years old? If any ſhould prove Fool-hardy enough to tranſgreſs a Law ſo calculated for the Happineſs of Men, each Offence would be of ſignal Benefit to the Publick; and if providentially it ſhould prove an effectual [122] Reſtraint, there muſt of Neceſſity be fewer Chil⯑dren in each Family, and of Conſequence the Number of Beggars and Wretches in this King⯑dom muſt proportionably decreaſe. And what would ſtill be more material, perhaps, in one Age, if this beneficial Act ſhould be continued, the greateſt part of this Country would require to be new peopled from E [...]d; a Circumſtance greatly to be wiſh'd; becauſe ſuch an Accident would probably cure that Nation of its inveterate Antipathy to the Inhabitants of this, at leaſt for ſome Generations.

As for the Scheme to tax Batchelors, which has lately been propos'd to the Houſe by one of its Honourable Members, I muſt beg leave to think it highly improper; becauſe batchelors, of all Ranks and Degrees, are real Benefactors to the Publick, by not furniſhing it either with Beggars, or Oppreſ⯑ſors of Beggars, one of which muſt infallibly be the Conſequence of Marriage in this Country.

I would alſo earneſtly requeſt, that all young Clergymen, who, with more Paſſion than Pru⯑dence, ſhall dare to marry before they are bene⯑fic'd, may be liable to a moſt ſevere Tax, equal to a Prohibition; becauſe ſuch Offenders muſt inevitably multiply Beggars, live in Contempt, and die in Poverty.

Theſe, and many other Expedients, might ea⯑ſily be found upon any Emergency to furniſh con⯑ſiderable Sums for the National Debt.

But as there will remain about 177,750l. over and above our publick Debt, I will allow One Hundred Thouſand Pounds of it for Sallaries, to [123] ſuch Perſons as ſhall be appointed Collectors, and I hope this will be a reaſonable Proviſion, tho' ge⯑nerally above one half of every Tax is expended in paying proper Officers to collect it. The Overplus may be depoſited in the Treaſury for any other pious Uſe.

And if this Scheme ſhould be ſo fortunate as to ſucceed, as I have no Reaſon to doubt from the preſent Diſpoſition of the H [...] of C [...]s, all thoſe Noblemen who ſhall be appointed Commiſſi⯑oners, will have excellent Opportunities of pro⯑moting their Nephews, Couſins, Footmen, Foſter⯑ers, Valets, and other valuable Dependants, to good Incomes, and Places of Truſt and Credit. But I would, by all Means, have none but En⯑gliſhmen nominated to be Tax Gatherers; becauſe we may rationally ſuppoſe, that they will be en⯑tirely free from Prejudice, in Favour of the Na⯑tives of this Kingdom.

Thus would a moderate Tax upon our Vices ap⯑parently contribute to ſave this Nation from utter Ruin. Many Perſons who have not the leaſt Ex⯑cuſe for their Irregularities at preſent, (except the commendable Publick-ſpirited Contempt for Reli⯑gion) might then plead in their own Defence, that their Immoralities had preſerved their Coun⯑try. And by this Means we might be furniſh'd with a Multitude of Patriots, who probably would never prove ſo in any other Reſpect.

But I muſt humbly beg leave to diſſent from that religious Gentleman, the excellent Author of the Fable of the Bees; though, perhaps, ſuch a Particularity of Opinion may injure my Character [124] with ſeveral of my Lay-brethren of moſt Profeſ⯑ſions; and I muſt publickly declare, that there can be no other Method half ſo good as mine, to make Private Vices Publick Benefits.

A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR Preventing the Children of poor people in Ireland, from being a Burden to their Parents or Coun⯑try, and for making them Bene⯑ficial to the Publick.

IT is a melancholy Object to thoſe, who walk through this great Town or travel in the Coun⯑try, when they ſee the Streets, the Roads and Cabbin-doors crowded with Beggars of the Female Sex, followed by three, four, or ſix Children, all in Rags, and importuning every Paſſenger for an Alms. Theſe Mothers inſtead of being able to work for their honeſt livelyhood, are forced to employ all their time in Stroling to beg Suſtenance for their helpleſs Infants, who, as they grow up, either turn Thieves for want of Work, or leave their dear Native Country, to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or ſell themſelves to the Barbadoes.

[126] I think it is agreed by all Parties, that this pro⯑digious number of Children in the Arms, or on the Backs, or at the Heels of their Mothers, and fre⯑quently of their Fathers, is in the preſent deplora⯑ble ſtate of the Kingdom, a very great additional Grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and eaſy method of making theſe Children ſound and uſeful Members of the Com⯑mon-wealth, would deſerve ſo well of the Publick, as to have his Statue ſet up for a Preſerver of the Nation.

But my Intention is very far from being confi⯑ned to provide only for the Children of profeſſed Beggars, it is of a much greater Extent, and ſhall take in the whole Number of Infants at a certain Age, who are born of Parents in effect as little able to ſupport them, as thoſe who demand our Chari⯑ty in the Streets.

As to my own Part, having turned my Thoughts, for many Years, upon this important Subject, and maturely weighed the ſeveral Schemes for no Projectors, I have always found them groſs⯑ly miſtaken in their Computation. It is true, a Child juſt dropt from its Dam, may be ſupported by her Milk, for a Solar Year with little other Nou⯑riſhment, at moſt not above the Value of two Shil⯑lings, which the Mother may certainly get, or the Value in Scraps, by her lawful Occupation of Begging; and it is exactly at one Year Old that I propoſe to provide for them in ſuch a Manner, as, inſtead of being a Charge upon their Parents, or the Pariſh, or wanting Food and Raiment for the reſt of their Lives, they ſhall, on the Contrary, contribute to the feeding, and partly to the [127] Cloathing of many Thouſands.

There is likewiſe another great Advantage in my Scheme, that it will prevent thoſe voluntary Abortions, and that horrid Practice of Women murdering their Baſtard Children, alas! too fre⯑quent among us, Sacrificing the poor innocent Babes, I doubt, more to avoid the Expence than the Shame, which would move Tears and Pity in the moſt ſavage and inhuman Breaſt.

The number of Souls in this Kingdom being uſually reckoned one Million and a half. Of theſe I calculate there may be about two hundred thou⯑ſand Couple whoſe Wives are Breeders; from which number I ſubſtract thirty Thouſand Cou⯑ples, who are able to maintain their own Children, although I apprehend there cannot be ſo many, under the preſent Diſtreſſes of the Kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and ſeventy Thouſand Breeders. I again ſubſtract fifty Thouſand, for thoſe Women who miſcarry, or whoſe Children die by accident, or diſeaſe within the Year. There only remain an hundred and twenty thouſand Children of poor Parents an⯑nually born: The queſtion therefore is, How this number ſhall be reared, and provided for? which, as I have already ſaid, under the preſent Situation of Affairs, is utterly impoſſible by all the Methods hitherto propoſed; for we can neither employ them in Handicraft or Agriculture; we neither build Houſes, (I mean in the Country) nor cul⯑tivate Land: They can very ſeldom pick up a Livelihood by Stealing 'till they arrive at ſix years old; except where they are of towardly parts; although, I confeſs, they learn the Rudiments [128] much earlier; during which time they can how⯑ever be properly looked upon only as Probationers; as I have been informed by a principal Gentleman in the County of Cavan, who proteſted to me, that he never knew above one or two Inſtances under the Age of ſix, even in a part of the King⯑dom ſo renowned for the quickeſt Proficiency in that Art.

I am aſſured by our Merchants, that a Boy or a Girl before twelve years old, is no ſaleable Commodity, and even when they come to this Age, they will not yield above three Pounds, or three Pounds and half a Crown at moſt, on the Exchange; which cannot turn to Account either to the Parents or Kingdom, the Charge of Nutriment and Rags having been at leaſt four times that Value.

I ſhall now therefore humbly propoſe my own Thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the leaſt Objection.

I have been aſſured by a very knowing Ame⯑rican of my Acquaintance in London, that a young healthy Child well Nurſed, is, at a Year old, a moſt delicious nouriſhing and wholeſome Food, whether Stewed, Roaſted, Baked, or Boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally ſerve in a Fricaſie, or a Ragouſt.

I do therefore humbly offer it to publick Con⯑ſideration, that of the Hundred and twenty thouſand Children, already computed, twenty thouſand may be reſerved for Breed, whereof only one fourth Part to be Males; which is more than we allow to Sheep, black Cattle, or Swine, and my Reaſon is, that theſe Children are ſeldom the Fruits of Marriage, a Circumſtance not much [129] regarded by our Savages, therefore, one Male will be ſufficient to ſerve four Females. That the remaining Hundred thouſand may at a Year old, be offered in Sale to the Perſons of Qua⯑lity and Fortune, through the Kingdom, al⯑ways adviſing the Mother to let them Suck plen⯑tifully in the laſt Month, ſo as to render them Plump, and Fat for a good Table. A Child will make two Diſhes at an Entertainment for Friends, and when the Family dines alone, the fore or hind Quarter will make a reaſonable Diſh, and ſeaſoned with a little Pepper or Salt will be very good Boiled on the fourth Day, eſpecially in Winter.

I have reckoned upon a Medium, that a Child juſt born will weigh 12 Pounds, and in a ſolar Year, if tolerably nurſed, encreaſeth to 28 Pounds.

I grant this food will be ſomewhat dear, and therefore very proper for Landlords, who, as they have already devoured moſt of the Parents, ſeem to have the beſt Title to the Children.

Infant's fleſh will be in Seaſon throughout the Year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave Au⯑thor, an eminent French Phyſician, that Fiſh being a prolifick Dyet, there are more Children born in Roman Catholick Countries about nine Months after Lent, than at any other Seaſon; therefore reckoning a Year after Lent, the Mar⯑kets will be more glutted than uſual, becauſe the Number of Popiſh Infants, is at leaſt three to one in this Kingdom, and therefore it will have one other Collateral Advantage, by leſſening the Number of Papiſts among us.

[130] I have already computed the Charge of nur⯑ſing a Beggar's Child (in which Liſt I reckon all Cottagers, Labourers, and four-fifths of the Far⯑mers) to be about two Shillings per Annum, Rags included; and I believe no Gentleman would repine to give Ten Shillings for the Carcaſs of a good fat Child, which, as I have ſaid, will make four Diſhes of excellent Nutritive Meat, when he hath only ſome particular Friend, or his own Family to dine with him. Thus the Squire will learn to be a good Landlord, and grow popular among his Tenants, the Mother will have Eight Shillings neat Profit, and be fit for Work 'till ſhe produces another Child.

Thoſe who are more thrifty (as I muſt confeſs the Times require) may flea the Carcaſs; the Skin of which, Artificially dreſſed, will make admirable Gloves, for Ladies, and Summer Boots for fine Gentlemen.

As to our City of Dublin, Shambles may be appointed for this purpoſe, in the moſt conve⯑nient Parts of it, and Butchers we may be aſſu⯑red will not be wanting; although I rather re⯑commend buying the Children alive, and dreſſing them hot from the Knife, as we do roaſting Pigs.

A very worthy Perſon, a true Lover of his Country, and whoſe Virtues I highly eſteem, was lately pleaſed, in diſcourſing on this Matter, to offer a Refinement upon my Scheme. He ſaid, that many Gentlemen of this Kingdom, having of late deſtroyed their Deer, he conceived that the Want of Veniſon might be well ſupply'd by the Bodies of young Lads and Maidens, not ex⯑ceeding [131] fourteen Years of Age, nor under twelve; ſo great a Number of both Sexes in every Coun⯑try being now ready to ſtarve for want of Work and Service: And theſe to be diſpoſed of by their Parents if alive, or otherwiſe by their neareſt Re⯑lations. But with due deference to ſo excellent a Friend, and ſo deſerving a Patriot, I cannot be altogether in his Sentiments; for as to the Males, my American Acquaintance aſſured me from frequent Experience, that their Fleſh was generally Tough and Lean, like that of our School-boys, by continual Exerciſe, and their Taſte diſagreeable, and to fatten them would not anſwer the Charge. Then as to the Females, it would, I think, with humble Submiſſion, be a Loſs to the Publick, becauſe they ſoon would become Breeders themſelves: And beſides, it is not improbable that ſome ſcrupulous People might be apt to Cenſure ſuch a Practice, (although in⯑deed very unjuſtly) as a little bordering upon Cruelty, which, I confeſs, hath always been with me the ſtrongeſt Objection againſt any Pro⯑ject, how well ſoever intended.

But in order to juſtify my Friend, he confeſ⯑ſed, that this Expedient was put into his Head by the famous Sallmanaazor, a Native of the Iſland Formoſa, who came from thence to London, above twenty Years ago, and in Converſation told my Friend, that in his Country, when any young Perſon happened to be put to Death, the Executioner ſold the Carcaſs to Perſons of Qua⯑lity, as a prime Dainty, and that, in his Time, the Body of a plump Girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an Attempt to poiſon the Emperor, [132] was ſold to his Imperial Majeſty's prime Miniſter of State, and other great Mandarins of the Court, in Joints from the Gibbet, at four hundred Crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the ſame Uſe were made of ſeveral plump young Girls in this Town, who without one ſingle Groat to their Fortunes, cannot ſtir abroad without a Chair, and appear at a Play-houſe, and Aſſemblies in fo⯑reign Fineries, which they never will pay for; the Kingdom would not be the worſe.

Some Perſons of a deſponding Spirit are in great Concern about that vaſt Number of poor People, who are Aged, Diſeaſed, or Maimed, and I have been deſired to employ my Thoughts what Courſe may be taken, to eaſe the Nation of ſo grievous an Incumbrance. But I am not in the leaſt Pain upon that Matter, becauſe it is very well known, that they are every Day dy⯑ing, and rotting, by Cold and Famine, and Filth, and Vermin, as faſt as can be reaſonably expect⯑ed. And as to the young Labourers, they are now in almoſt as hopeful a Condition. They cannot get Work, and conſequently pine away for want of Nouriſhment, to a degree, that if at any Time they are accidentally hired to com⯑mon Labour, they have not Strength to perform it, and thus the Country and themſelves are hap⯑pily delivered from the Evils to come.

I have too long digreſſed, and therefore ſhall return to my Subject, I think the Advantages by the Propoſal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the higheſt Importance.

For Firſt, as I have already obſerved, it would [133] greatly leſſen the Number of Papiſts, with whom we are Yearly over-run, being the principal Bree⯑ders of the Nation, as well as our moſt dangerous Enemies, and who ſtay at home on purpoſe with a Deſign to deliver the Kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their Advantage by the Abſence of ſo many good Proteſtants, who have choſen rather to leave their Country, than ſtay at home, and pay Tithes againſt their Conſcience, to an Epiſ⯑copal Curate.

Scecondly, The poorer Tenants will have ſome⯑thing valuable of their own, which by Law may be made liable to Diſtreſs, and help to pay their Landlord's Rent, their Corn and Cattle being al⯑ready ſeized, and Money a thing unknown.

Thirdly, Whereas the Maintainance of an hun⯑dred thouſand Children, from two Years old, and upwards, cannot be computed at leſs than Ten Shillings a piece per Annum, the Nation's Stock will be thereby encreaſed fifty thouſand Pounds per Annum, beſides the Profit of a new Diſh, in⯑troduced to the Tables of all Gentlemen of Fortune in the Kingdom, who have any Refinement in Taſte, and the Money will circulate among our Selves, the Goods being entirely of our own Growth and Manufacture.

Fourthly, The conſtant Breeders, beſides the Gain of eight Shillings Sterling per Annum, by the Sale of their Children, will be rid of the Charge of maintaining them after the firſt Year.

[134] Fifthly, This Food would likewiſe bring great Cuſtom to Taverns, where the Vintners will cer⯑tainly be ſo prudent as to procure the beſt Receipts for dreſſing it to Perfection; and conſequently have their Houſes frequented by all the fine Gen⯑tlemen, who juſtly value themſelves upon their Knowledge in good Eating; and a skilful Cook, who underſtands how to oblige his Gueſts, will contrive to make it as expenſive as they pleaſe.

Sixthly, This would be a great Inducement to Marriage, which all wiſe Nations have either en⯑couraged by Rewards, or enforced by Laws and Penalties. It would encreaſe the Care and Tender⯑neſs of Mothers towards their Children, when they were ſure of a Settlement for Life, to the poor Babes, provided in ſome Sort by the Publick, to their annual Profit inſtead of Expence; we ſhould ſoon ſee an honeſt Emulation among the married Women, which of them could bring the fat⯑teſt Child to the Market. Men would become as fond of their Wives, during the Time of their Pregnancy, as they are now of their Mares in Foal, their Cows in Calf, or Sows when they are ready to farrow, nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a Practice) for fear of a Miſcar⯑riage.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For Inſtance, the Addition of ſome thouſand Car⯑caſſes in our exportation of Barrel'd Beef: The Pro⯑pagation of Swines Fleſh, and Improvement in the Art of making good Bacon, ſo much wanted among us by the great Deſtruction of Pigs, too frequent at our Tables, which are no way comparable in [135] Taſte, or Magnificence to a well grown, fat Yearly Child, which roaſted whole will make a conſiderable Figure at a Lord Mayor's Feaſt, or any other Publick Entertainment. But this, and many others, I omit, being ſtudious of Brevity.

Suppoſing that one thouſand Families in this City, would be conſtant Cuſtomers for Infants Fleſh, beſides others who might have it at merry Meetings, particularly at Weddings and Chriſten⯑ings, I compute that Dublin would take off Annu⯑ally about twenty thouſand Carcaſſes and the reſt of the Kingdom (where probably they will be ſold ſomewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty Thou⯑ſand.

I can think of no one Objection, that will poſ⯑ſibly be raiſed againſt this Propoſal, unleſs it ſhould be urged, that the Number of People will be thereby much leſſened in the Kingdom. This I freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal De⯑ſign in offering it to the World. I deſire the Reader will obſerve, that I calculate my Remedy for this one individual Kingdom of IRELAND, and for no Other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no Man talk to me of other Expedients: Of taxing our Abſentees at five Shillings a Pound: Of uſing neither Cloaths, nor Houſhold Furniture, except what is of our own Growth and Manufacture: Of utterly re⯑jecting the Materials and Inſtruments that promote Foreign Luxury: Of curing the Expenſiveneſs of Pride, Vanity, Idleneſs, and Gameing in our Wo⯑men: Of introducing a Vein of Parcimony, Prudence and Temperance: Of learning to love our Country, wherein we differ even from LAPLANDERS, [136] and the Inhabitants of TOPINAMBOO: Of quitting our Animoſities, and Factions, nor act any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one an⯑other at the very moment their City was taken: Of being a little cautious not to ſell our Country and Con⯑ſciences for nothing: Of teaching Landlords to have at leaſt one Degree of Mercy towards their Tenants, Laſtly, Of putting a Spirit of Honeſty, Induſtry, and Skill into our Shop-keepers, who, if a Reſolution, could now be taken to buy only our Native Goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the Price, the Meaſure, and the Goodneſs, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair Propoſal of juſt Dealing, though often and earneſtly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no Man talk to me of theſe and the like Expedients, 'till he hath at leaſt ſome Glimpſe of Hope, that there will ever be ſome hearty and ſincere Attempt to put them in Practice.

But, as to my ſelf, having been wearied out for many Years with offering vain, idle, viſionary Thoughts, and at length utterly deſparing of Suc⯑ceſs, I fortunately fell upon this Propoſal, which, as it is wholly new, ſo it hath ſomething Solid and Real, of no Expence and little Trouble, full in our own Power, and whereby we can incur no Danger in diſobliging ENGLAND. For this kind of Commodity will not bear Exportation, the Fleſh being of too tender a Conſiſtence, to admit a long Continuance in Salt, although perhaps I could name a Country, which would be glad to eat up our whole Nation without it.

After all, I am not ſo violently bent upon my [137] own Opinion, as to reject any Offer, propoſed by wiſe Men, which ſhall be found equally innocent, cheap, eaſy, and effectual. But before ſomething of that Kind ſhall be advanced in Contradiction to my Scheme, and offering a better, I deſire the Author or Authors, will be pleaſed maturely to conſider two Points. Firſt, As things now ſtand, how they will be able to find Food and Raiment for a hundred Thouſand uſeleſs Mouths and Backs. And Secondly, There being a round Million of Crea⯑tures in Humane Figure, throughout this King⯑dom, whoſe whole ſubſiſtence put into a common Stock, would leave them in Debt two Millions of Pounds Sterling, adding thoſe, who are Beggars by Profeſſion, to the Bulk of Farmers, Cottagers and Labourers, with their Wives and Children, who are Beggars in effect; I deſire thoſe Politi⯑cians, who diſlike my Overture, and may perhaps be ſo bold to attempt an Anſwer, that they will firſt ask the Parents of theſe Mortals, Whether they would not at this Day think it a great Happineſs to have been ſold for Food at a Year old, in the man⯑ner I preſcribe, and thereby have avoided ſuch a perpetual Scene of Misfortunes, as they have ſince gone through, by the Oppreſſion of Landlords, the Impoſſibility of paying Rent without Money or Trade, the Want of common Suſtenance, with neither Houſe nor Cloaths to cover them from the Inclemencies of the Weather, and the moſt ine⯑vitable Proſpect of intailing the like, or greater Miſeries upon their Breed for ever.

I proſeſs in the Sincerity of my Heart, that I have not the leaſt Perſonal Intereſt in endeavouring to promote this neceſſary Work, having no other [138] Motive than the Publick Good of my Country, by ad⯑vancing our Trade, providing for Infants, relieving the Poor, and giving ſome pleaſure to the Rich. I have no Children, by which I can propoſe to get a ſingle Penny; the youngeſt being nine Years Old, and my Wife paſt Child-boaring.

A VINDICATION OF THE Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, THE Lord CARTERET, From the CHARGE of favouring Tories, High-Church-Men, and Jacobites.

IN order to treat this important Subject with the greateſt Fairneſs and Impartiality, perhaps it may be convenient to give ſome Account of his Excellency, in whoſe Life and Character there are certain Particulars which might ſuggeſt a very juſt Suſpicion of ſome Truth in the Accuſation he lies under.

He is deſcended from two noble, ancient, and moſt loyal Families, the Carterets and the Gran⯑villes, too much diſtinguiſhed, I confeſs, for [140] what they acted, and what they ſuffered in de⯑fending the former Conſtitution in Church and State, under King Charles the Martyr; I mean that very Prince, on Account of whoſe Martyr⯑dom a Form of Prayer with Faſting was enjoin'd by Act of Parliament, to be uſed on the Thirtieth Day of January every Year, to implore the Mercies of God, that the Guilt of that ſacred and innocent Blood, &c. might not be viſited on us or our Poſte⯑rity, as we may read at large in our Common-Prayer-Books, which Day hath been ſolemnly kept, even within the Memory of many Men now alive.

His Excellency the preſent Lord, was educa⯑ted in the Univerſity of Oxford; from thence, with a Singularity ſcarce to be juſtified, he carri⯑ed away more Greek, Latin, and Philoſophy, than properly became a Perſon of his Rank; in⯑deed, much more of each, than moſt of thoſe who are forc'd to live by their Learning, will be at the unneceſſary Pains to load their Heads with.

This was the Rock he ſplit on upon his firſt Appearance in the World, juſt got clear of his Guardians. For as ſoon as he came to Town, ſome Biſhops and Clergymen, and other Perſons moſt eminent for Learning and Parts, got him among them, from whom, though he were fortunately dragg'd by a Lady and the Court, yet he could never wipe off the Stain, nor waſh out the Tincture of his Univerſity Acquirements and Diſpoſition.

To this another Miſsortune was added, That it pleaſed God to endow him with great natural [141] Talents, Memory, Judgment, Comprehenſion, Eloquence, and Wit; and to finiſh the Work, all theſe were fortify'd, even in his Youth, with the advantages received by ſuch Employments, as are beſt fitted, both to exerciſe and poliſh the Gifts of Nature and Education, having been Ambaſſador in ſeveral Courts, when his Age would hardly allow him to take a Degree, and made Principal Secretary of State at a Period, when, according to Cuſtom, he ought to have been buſied in losing his Money at a Chocolate⯑houſe, or in other Amuſements, equally laudable and epidemick among Perſons of Honour.

I cannot omit another weak Side in his Excel⯑lency, for it is known, and can be proved upon him, that Greek and Latin Books might be found every Day in his Dreſſing-Room, if it were care⯑fully ſearched; and there is Reaſon to ſuſpect, that ſome of the ſaid Books have been privately convey'd to him by Tory Hands. I am likewiſe aſſured, that he hath been taken in the very Fact of reading the ſaid Books, even in the midſt of a Seſſion, to the great Neglect of publick Affairs.

I own, there may be ſome Grounds for this Charge, becauſe I have it from good Hands, that when his Excellency is at Dinner with one or two Scholars at his Elbows, he grows a moſt inſupport⯑able and unintelligible Companion to all the ſine Gentlemen round the table.

I cannot deny, that his Excellency lies under another great Diſadvantage; for beſides all the Accompliſhments abovementioned, having that of a moſt comely and graceful Perſon, he hath, du⯑ring the Prime of Youth, Spirits and Vigour, in [142] a moſt exemplary Manner led a regular, dome⯑ſtick Life, diſcover'd a great Eſteem, Friendſhip and Love for his Lady, as well as a true Affection for his Children: And when he is diſpos'd to ad⯑mit an entertaining Evening Companion, he doth not always enough reflect whether the Perſon may poſſibly in former Days have lain under the Impu⯑tation of a Tory? Nor at ſuch Times do the natu⯑ral or affected Fears of Popery and the Pretender make any Part of the Converſation: I preſume, becauſe neither Homer, Plato, Ariſtotle, nor Ci⯑cero, have made any mention of them.

Theſe I freely acknowledge to be his Excellen⯑cy's Failings; yet, I think, it is agreed by Phi⯑loſophers and Divines, that ſome Allowance ought to be given to human Infirmity, and the Prejudices of a wrong Education.

I am well aware how much my Sentiments differ from the orthodox Opinion of one or two principal Patriots; for theſe have decided the Matter directly againſt me, by declaring, that no Perſon, who was ever known to lie under the Suſ⯑picion of one ſingle Tory Principle, or who had been once ſeen at a great Man's Levee in the worſt of Times, ſhould be allow'd to come within the Verge of the Caſtle; much leſs to bow in the Anti-Chamber, appear at the Aſſemblies, or dance at a Birth-Night. However, I dare aſſert, that this Maxim hath been often controul'd, and that, on the contrary, a conſiderable Number of early Penitents have been received into Grace, who are now an Ornament, Happineſs, and Sup⯑port to the Nation.

Neither do I find any Murmuring on ſome [143] other Points of greater Importance, where this favourite Maxim is not ſo ſtrictly obſerved.

To inſtance only in one. I have not heard that any Care hath hitherto been taken to diſcover whether ^*Madam Violante be a Whig or Tory in her Principles, or even that ſhe hath ever been offer'd the Oaths to the Governmem t; on the con⯑trary, I am told, that ſhe openly profeſſeth her⯑ſelf to be a High-Flyer; and it is not improbable, but by her Outlandiſh Name ſhe may alſo be a Pa⯑piſt in her Heart. Yet we ſee this illu ſtrious and dangerous Female openly careſs'd by principal Per⯑ſons of both Parties, who contribute to ſupport her in a ſplendid Manner, without the leaſt Ap⯑prehenſions from a Grand Jury. And as Hobbs wiſe⯑ly obſerves, ſo much Money being equivalent to ſo much Power, it may deſerve conſidering with what Safety ſuch an Inſtrument of Power ought to be truſted in the Hands of an Alien, who hath not given any legal Security for her good Affection to the Government.

I confeſs there is one Evil, which I could wiſh our Friends would think proper to redreſs. There are many Whigs in this Kingdom of the old⯑faſhion'd Stamp, of whom we might make very good Uſe; they bear the ſame Loyalty with us. to the Hanoverian Family, in the Perſon of King George the Second; the ſame Abhorrence of the Pretender, with the Conſequents of Popery and Slavery; and the ſame Indulgence to tender Con⯑ſciences; but having nothing to ask for them⯑ſelves, and conſequently the more Leiſure to think for the Publick; they are often apt to en⯑tertain [144] Fears and melancholy Proſpects concer⯑ning the State of their Country, the Decay of Trade, the Want of Money, the miſerable Con⯑dition of the People, with other Topicks of like Nature, all which do equally concern both Whig and Tory, who, if they have any Thing to loſe, muſt be equally Sufferers. Perhaps one or two of theſe melanchly Gentlemen will ſometimes ven⯑ture to publiſh their Thoughts in Print: Now, I can by no Means approve our uſual Cuſtom of curſing and railing at this Species of Thinkers, un⯑der the Names of Tories, Jacobites, Papiſts, Li⯑bellers, Rebels, and the like.

This was the utter Ruin of that poor, angry, buſtling, well-meaning Mortal Piſtorides, who lies equally under the Contempt of both Parties, with no other Difference than a Mixture of Pity on one Side and of Averſion on the other.

How hath he been pelted, peſter'd and pounded by one ſingle Wag, who promiſeth never to for⯑ſake him living or dead.

I was much pleaſed with the Humour of a Sur⯑geon in this Town, who, having in his own Ap⯑prehenſions received ſome great Injuſtice from the Earl of Galloway, and deſparing of Revenge, as well as Relief, declared to all his Friends, that he had ſet apart a hundred Guineas to purchaſe the Earl's Carcaſs from the Sexton, whenever I T ſhould die, to make a Skeleton of the Bones, ſtuff the Hide, and ſhew them for three Pence; and thus get Vengeance for the Injuries he had ſuffer'd by the owner.

Of the like Spirit too often is that implacable Race of Wits, againſt whom there is no Defence [145] but Innocence and Philoſophy, neither of which is likely to be at Hand, and therefore the Wound⯑ed have no where to fly for a Cure, but to down⯑right Stupidity, a crazed Head, or a profligate Contempt of Guilt and Shame.

I am therefore ſorry for that other miſerable Creature ^* Traulus, who altho' of ſomewhat a dif⯑ferent Species, yet ſeems very far to out-do even the Genius of Piſtorides in that miſcarrying Talent of Railing without Conſiſtency or Diſcretion, againſt the moſt innocent Perſons, according to the preſent Situation of his Gall and Spleen. I do not blame an honeſt Gentleman for the bittereſt Invectives againſt one to whom he profeſſeth the greateſt Friendſhip, provided he acts in the Dark, ſo as not to be diſcovered; but in the midſt of Careſſes, Viſits, and Invitations, to run into the Streets, or to as publick a Place, and without the leaſt pretended Incitement, ſputter out the baſeſt and falſeſt Accuſations, then to wipe his Mouth, come up ſmiling to his Friend, ſhake him by the Hand, and tell him in a Whiſper, it was all for his Service: This Proceeding I am bold to think a great Failure in Prudence, and I am afraid leſt ſuch a Practitioner, with a Body ſo open, ſo foul, and ſo full of Sores, may fall under the Reſentmen of an incens'd political Surgeon, who is not in much Renown for his Mercy upon great Provocation, who without waiting for his Death, will flay and diſſect him alive, and to the View of Mankind lay open all the diſorder'd Cells of his Brain, the Vonom of his Tongue, the Corruption of his [146] Heart, and Spots and Flatuſes of his Spleen—and all this for three Pence.

In ſuch a Caſe, what a Scene would be laid open? And to drop my Metaphor, what a Cha⯑racter of our miſtaken Friend might an angry Enemy draw and expoſe? Particularizing that unnatural Conjunction of Vices and Follies ſo in⯑conſiſtent with each other in the ſame Breaſt: Furious and fawning, ſcurrilous and flattering, cowardly and provoking, inſolent and abject; moſt profligately ſalſe, with the ſtrongeſt Profeſ⯑ſions of Sincerity; poſitive and variable, tyran⯑nical and ſlaviſh.

In vain would his Excuſers endeavour to pal⯑liate his Enormities, by imputing them to Mad⯑neſs, beauſe it is well knowm, that Madneſs on⯑ly operates by inflaming and enlarging the good or evil Diſpoſitions of the Mind; for the Curators of Bedlam aſſure us, that ſome Lunaticks are Perſons of Honour, Truth, Benevolence, and ma⯑ny other Virtues, which appear in their higheſt Ravings, although after a wild incoherent Man⯑ner, while others on the contrary diſcover in every Word and action the utmoſt Baſeneſs and Depravity of human Minds; which infallibly they poſſeſſed in the ſame Degree, although per⯑haps under a better Regulation, before their En⯑trance into that Academy.

But it may be objected, that there is an Argu⯑ment of much more Force to excuſe the Over⯑flowings of that zeal which our Friend ſhews or means for our Cauſe. And it muſt be confeſſed, that the eaſy and ſmooth Fluency of his Elocution beſtowed on him by Nature, and cultivated by [147] continual Practice, added to the Comelyneſs of his Perſon, the Harmony of his Voice, the Graceful⯑neſs of his Manner, and the Decency of his Dreſs, are Temptations too ſtrong for ſuch a Genius to reſiſt upon any publick Occaſion of making them appear with univerſal Applauſe. And if good Men are ſometimes accuſed of loving their Jeſt better than their Friend, ſurely to gain the Reputation of the firſt Orator in the Kingdom, no Man of Spirit would ſcruple to loſe all the Friends he had in the World.

It is uſual for Maſters to make their Boys de⯑claim on both Sides of an Argument; and as ſome kinds of Aſſemblies are called the Schools of Principles, I confeſs nothing can better improve political School-Boys, than the Art of making plauſible or implauſible Harangues againſt the very Opinion for which they reſolve to determine.

So Cardinal Perron, after having ſpoke for an Hour to the Admiration of all his Hear⯑ers, to prove the Exiſtence of God, told ſome of his Intimates, that he could have ſpoken another Hour, and much better, to prove the contrary.

To return from this long Digreſſion: If Perſons in high Sations have been allow'd to chuſe Miſtreſſes, without Regard even to Dif⯑ference in Religion, yet never incurred the leaſt Reflection on their Loyalty or their Proteſtan⯑tiſm; ſhall the chief Govenour of a great Kingdom be cenſured for chuſing a Companion, who may formerly have been ſuſpected for dif⯑fering from the Orthodox in ſome ſpeculative Opinions of Perſons and Things, which cannot [148] affect the fundamental Principles of a ſound Whig?

But let me ſuppoſe a very poſſible Caſe. Here is a Perſon ſent to govern Ireland, whoſe unfortunate weak Side it happens to be, for ſe⯑veral Reaſons abovemention'd, that he hath en⯑couraged the Attendance of one or two Gentle⯑men diſtinguiſhed for their Taſte, their Wit, and their Learning; who have taken the Oaths to his Majeſty, and pray heartily for him; yet, becauſe they may perhaps be ſtigmatized as quondam Tories by Piſtorides and his Gang, his Excellency muſt be forced to baniſh them under the Pain and Peril of diſpleaſing the Zea⯑lots of his own Party, and thereby, be put into a worſe Condition than every common Good⯑fellow; who may be a ſincere Proteſtant, and a loyal Subject; and yet rather chuſe to drink fine Ale at the Pope's Head, than muddy at the King's.

Let me then return to my Suppoſition. It is certain, the High-flown Loyaliſts in the pre⯑ſent Senſe of the Word, have their Thoughts, and Studies, and Tongues, ſo entirely diverted by political Schemes, that the Zeal of their Principles hath eaten up their Underſtandings; neither have they Time from their Employ⯑ments, their Hopes, and their hourly Labours, for acquiring new Additions of Merit; to amuſe themſelves with philological Converſe, or Specu⯑lations which are utterly ruinous to all Schemes of riſing in the World: What muſt then a Great Man do, whoſe ill Stars have fatally per⯑verted him to a Love, and Taſte, and Poſſeſ⯑ſion [149] of Literature, Politeneſs and good Senſe? Our thorough-ſped Republick of Whigs, which contains the Bulk of all Hopers, Pretenders, Expectors and Poſſeſſors, are, beyond all Doubt, moſt highly uſeful to Princes, to Govenours, to great Miniſters, and to their Country; but at the ſame Time, and by neceſſary Conſequence, the moſt diſagreable Companions to all who have that unfortunate Turn of Mind peculiar to his Excellency, and perhaps to five or ſix more in a Nation.

I do not deny it poſſible, that an Original or Proſelyte Favourer of the Times might have been born to theſe uſeleſs Talents, which in for⯑mer Ages qualified a Man to be a Poet, or a Philoſopher. All I contend for is, that where the true Genius of Party once enters, it ſweeps the Houſe clean, and leaves Room for many other Spirits, to take joint Poſſeſſion 'till the laſt State of that Man is exceedingly better than the firſt.

I allow it a great Error in his Excellency, that he adheres ſo obſtinately to his old unfa⯑ſhionable academick Education: Yet ſo per⯑verſe is human Nature, that the uſual Reme⯑dies for this Evil in others, have produced a contrary Effect in him; to a Degree that I am credibly informed, he will, as I have already hinted, in the Middle of a Seſſion, quote Paſ⯑ſages out of Plato and Pindar at his own Ta⯑ble to ſome Book-learn'd Companion without Bluſhing, even when Perſons of great Stations are by.

I will venture one Step farther, which is, freely to confeſs, that this miſtaken Method of [150] educating Youth in the Knowledge of ancient Learning and Language, is too apt to ſpoil their Politicks and Principles? becauſe, the Doctrine and Examples of the Books they read, teach them Leſſons directly contrary in every Point to the preſent Practice of the World: And ac⯑cordingly, Hobbes moſt judiciouſly obſerves, that the Writings of the Greeks and Romans made young Men imbibe Opinions againſt ab⯑ſolute Power in a Prince, or even in a firſt Mi⯑niſter, and to embrace Notions of Liberty and Property.

It hath been therefore a great Felicity to theſe Kingdoms, that the Heirs to Titles and large Eſtates have a Weakneſs in their Eyes, and a Tenderneſs in their Conſtitutions, are not able to bear the Pain and Indignity of Whip⯑ping, and, as the Mother rightly expreſſes it, could never take to their Books; yet are well enough qualified to ſign a Receipt for half a Year's Rent, to put their Name (rightly ſpelt) to a Warrant, and to read Pamphlets againſt Religion and High-Flying; whereby they fill their Niches, and carry themſelves through the World with that Dignity which beſt becomes a Senator, and a Squire.

I could heartily wiſh his Excellency would be more condeſcending to the Genius of the Kingdom he Governs, to the Condition of the Times, and to the Nature of the Station he ſills. Yet if it be true, what I have read in old En⯑gliſh Story-Books, that one Ageſilaus (no Matter to the Bulk of my Readers whether I ſpell the Name right or wrong) was caught by the Parſon [151] of the Pariſh, riding on a Hobby-Horſe with his Children; that Socrates a Heathen Philoſopher was found dancing by himſelf at Fourſcore; that a King called Caeſar Auguſtus (or ſome ſuch Name) uſed to play with Boys, whereof ſome might poſſibly be Sons of Tories; and two great Men called Scipio and Laelius (I forget their Chriſtian Names, and whether they were Poets or Generals,) often play'd at Duck and Drake with ſmooth Stones on a River: Now, I ſay, if theſe Facts be true, (and the Book where I found them is in Print) I cannot ima⯑gine why our moſt zealous Patriots may not a little indulge his Excellency, in an Infirmity which is not mortally Evil, provided he gives no publick Scandal (which is by all Means to be avoided:) I ſay, why he may not be indulged twice a Week to converſe with one or two par⯑ticular Perſons, and let him and them conn over their old exploded Readings together, after Mornings ſpent in hearing and preſcribing Ways and Means from and to his moſt obedient Politicians for the Welfare of the Kingdom; although the ſaid particular Perſon or Perſons may not have made ſo publick a Declaration of their political Faith in all its Parts, as the Buſi⯑neſs of the Nation requires; ſtill ſubmitting my Opinion to that happy Majority, which I am confident is always in the right; by whom the Liberty of the Subject hath been ſo frequently, ſo ſtrenuouſly, and ſo ſucceſsfully aſſerted; who by their wiſe Councils have made Commerce to flouriſh, Money to abound, Inhabitants to in⯑creaſe, [152] the Value of Lands and Rents to riſe, and the whole Iſland put on a new Face of Plenty and Proſperity.

But in order to clear his Excellency more fully from this Accuſation of ſhewing his Fa⯑vours to High-flyers, Tories and Jacobites, it will be neceſſary to come to Particulars.

The firſt Perſon of a Tory Denomination, to whom his Excellency gave any Marks of his Fa⯑vour, was Doctor Thomas Sheridan. It is to be obſerved, that this happened ſo early in his Exellency's Government, as it may be juſtly ſuppoſed he had not been informed of that Gentleman's Character upon ſo dangerous an Article. The Doctor being well known and di⯑ſtinguiſh'd for his Skill and Succeſs in the Edu⯑cation of Youth, beyond moſt of his Profeſſion for many Years paſt; was recommended to his Excellency on the Score of his Learning, and particularly for his Knowledge in the Greek Tongue, whereof it ſeems his Excellency is a great Admirer, although for what Reaſons I could never imagine. However it is agreed on all Hands, that his Lordſhip was too eaſily pre⯑vail'd on by the Doctor's Requeſt, or indeed rather from the Biaſs of his own Nature, to hear a Tragedy acted in that unknown Lan⯑guage by the Doctor's Lads, which was written by ſome Heathen Author; but whether it con⯑tained any Tory or High-Church Principles, muſt be left to the Conſciences of the Boys, the Doctor, and his Excellency; the only Witneſſes in this Caſe whoſe Teſtimonies can be depended upon.

[153] It ſeems, his Excellency (a Thing never to be ſufficiently wonder'd at) was ſo pleas'd with his entertainment, that ſome Time after he gave the Doctor a Church Living, to the Value al⯑moſt of one Hundred Pounds a Year, and made him one of his Chaplains, from an antiquated Notion, that good Schoolmaſters ought to be encouraged in every Nation profeſſing Civility and Religion. Yet his Excellency did not ven⯑ture to make this bold Step without ſtrong Re⯑commendations from Perſons of undoubted Principles fitted to the Times; who thought themſelves bound in Juſtice, Honour and Gra⯑titude, to do the Doctor a good Office in Re⯑turn for the Care he had taken of their Chil⯑dren, or thoſe of their Friends. Yet the Ca⯑taſtrophe was terrible; for the Doctor in the Height of his Felicity and Gratitude, going down to take Poſſeſſion of his Pariſh, and fur⯑niſhed with a few led Sermons, whereof, as it is to be ſuppoſed, the Number was very ſmall, having never ſerved a Cure in the Church; he ſtopp'd at Cork to attend on his Biſhop, and going to Church on the Sunday following, was, according to the uſual Civility of Country Cler⯑gymen, invited by the Miniſter of the Pariſh to ſupply the Pulpit. It happened to be the firſt of Auguſt; and the firſt of Auguſt happened that Year to light upon a Sunday: And it hap⯑pened, that the Doctor's Text was in theſe Words; Sufficient unto the Day is the Evil thereof. And laſtly, it happened, that ſome one Perſon of the Congregation, whoſe Loyalty [154] made him watchful upon every Appearance of Danger to his Majeſty's Perſon and Govern⯑ment, when Service was over, gave the Alarm. Notice was immediately ſent up to Town, and by the Zeal of one Man, of no large Di⯑menſions of Body or Mind, ſuch a clamour was raiſed, that we in Dublin could apprehend no leſs than an Invaſion by the Pretender, who muſt be landed in the South. The Reſult was, that the Doctor muſt be ſtruck out of the Chaplains Liſt, and appear no more at the Caſtle. Yet, whether he were then, or be at this Day a Whig or a Tory, I think is a Secret; only it is manifeſt, that he is a zealous Hanoverian, at leaſt in Poetry, and a great Adorer of the pre⯑ſent Royal Family thro' all its Branches; his Friends likewiſe aſſert, that he had preached this ſame Sermon often, under the ſame Text; that not having obſerved the Words 'till he was in the Pulpit, and had opened his Notes, as he is a Perſon a little abſtracted, he wanted Pre⯑ſence of Mind to change them: And that in the whole Sermon there was not a Syllable relating to Government or Party, or to the Subject of the Day.

In this Incident there ſeems to have been an Union of Events that will probably never hap⯑pen again to the End of the World, or at leaſt, like the grand Conjunction in the Heavens, which, I think, they ſay can arrive but once in twenty Thouſand Years.

The ſecond Gentleman (if I am right in my Chronology) who under the Suſpicion of a Tory [155] received ſome Favour from his Excellency, is Mr. James Stopford, very ſtrongly recommend⯑ed by the moſt eminent Whig in England, on the Account of his Learning and Virtue, and other Accompliſhments: He had paſs'd the greateſt Part of his Youth in cloſe Study, or in travelling; and was either not at Home or not at Leiſure to trouble his Thoughts about Party, which I allow to be a great Omiſſion; tho' I cannot honeſtly place him in the Liſt of Tories, and therefore think his Excellency may be fair⯑ly acquitted for making him Vicar of Finglaſs, worth about one Hundred and fifty Pounds a Year.

The third is Doctor Patrick Delany; this Divine lies under ſome Diſadvantage, having in his Youth received many Civilities from a certain Perſon^† then in a very high Station here, for which Reaſon I doubt the Doctor ne⯑ver drunk his Confuſion ſince; and what makes the Matter deſperate, it is now too late; un⯑leſs our Inquiſitors will be content with drinking Confuſion to his Memory. The aforeſaid emi⯑nent Perſon who was a Judge of all Merit but Party, diſtinguiſhed the Doctor among other Juniors in our Univerſity, for his Learning, Virtue, Diſcretion, and good Senſe; but the Doctor was then in too good a Situation at his College to hope or endeavour at a better Eſta⯑bliſhment from one who had no Power to give it him.

[156] Upon the preſent Lord Lieutenant's coming over, the Doctor was named to his Exdellency by a Friend, among other Clergymen of Di⯑ſtinction, as Perſons whoſe Characters it was proper his Excellency ſhould know: And by the Truth of which the Giver would be content to ſtand or fall in his Excellency's Opinion; ſince not one of thoſe Perſons were in particular Friendſhip with the Gentlemen who gave in their Names: By this and ſome other Incidents, particularly the Recommendation of the late Archbiſhop of Dublin, the Doctor became known to his Excellency, whoſe fatal Turn of Mind towards heatheniſh and outlandiſh Books and Languages, finding, as I conceive, a like Diſpoſition in the Doctor, was the Cauſe of his becoming ſo domeſtick as we are told he is, at the Caſtle of Dublin.

Three or four Years ago, the Doctor, grown weary of an Academick Life, for ſome Rea⯑ſons beſt known to the Managers of the Diſci⯑pline in that learned Society (which it may not be for their Honour to mention) reſolved to leave it, although by the Benefit of his Pupils, and his Senior-fellowſhip with all its Perquiſites, he received every Year between nine Hundred and a Thouſand Pounds. And a ſmall Nor⯑thern Living, in the Univerſity's Donation, of ſomewhat better than a hundred Pounds a Year, falling at the ſame Time with the Chancellor⯑ſhip of Chriſt-Church to about equal Value, in the Giſt of his Excellency, the Doctor ventured into the World in a very ſcanty Condition, ha⯑ving [157] ſquander'd away all his annual Income in a manner, which although perhaps proper enough for a Clergyman without a Family, will not be for the Advantage of his Character to diſcover either on the Exchange, or at a Bank⯑er's Shop.

About two Months ago, his Excellency gave the Doctor a Prebend in St. Patrick's Cathe⯑dral, which being of near the ſame Value with either of the two former will add a third Part to his Revenues, after he ſhall have paid the great Incumbrances upon it; ſo that he may now be ſaid to poſſeſs of Church Preſerments, in ſcattered Tythes, three hundred Pounds a Year, inſtead of the like Sum of infallible Rents from a ſenior Fellowſhip with the Offices annexed; beſides the Advantage of a free Lodging, and ſome other Eaſements. But ſince the Doctor hath not in any of his Writings, his Sermons, his Actions, his Diſcourſe, or his Company, diſcovered one ſingle Principle of either Whig or Tory; and that the Lord Lieu⯑tenant ſtill continues to admit him, I ſhall bold⯑ly pronounce him one of us; but like a new Free-Maſon, who hath not yet learned all the Dialect of the Myſtery. Neither can he juſtly be accuſed of any Tory Doctrines, except per⯑haps ſome among thoſe few, with which that wicked Party was charged during the Height of their Power, but have been ſince transferred for the moſt ſolid Reaſons to the whole Body of our firmeſt Friends. I have now done with the Clergy, and upon the ſtricteſt Examination, [158] have not been able to find above one of that Order, againſt whom any Party Suſpicion can lie, which is the unfortunate Gentleman Dr. Sheridan, who by mere Chance-medly ſhot his own Fortune dead with a ſingle Text.

As to the Laity, I can hear of but one Per⯑ſon of the Tory Stamp, who ſince the Beginning of his Excellency's Government, did ever re⯑ceive any ſolid Mark of his Favour, I mean Sir Arthur Acheſon, reported to be an acknow⯑ledged Tory, and, what is almoſt as bad, a Scholar into the Bargain. It is whiſper'd a⯑bout as a certain Truth, that this Gentleman is to have a Grant of a certain Barrack upon his Eſtate within two Miles of his own Houſe, for which the Crown is to be his Tenant, at the Rent of ſixty Pounds per Annum; he being only at the Expence of about five hundred Pounds, to put the Houſe in Repair, build Stables, and other Neceſſaries. I will place this invidious Mark of Beneficence, conferred on a Tory in a fair Light, by computing the Coſts and neceſſary Defalcations; after which it may be ſeen how much Sir Arthur will be annually a clear Gainer by the Publick, not⯑withſtanding his unfortunate Principles, and his Knowledge in Greek and Latin.

[159]

Thus, if Sir Arthur Acheſon ſhall have the good Fortune to obtain a Grant of this Barrack, he will receive neat Profit annually from the Crown Eleven Pounds Sterling, to help him in entertaining the Officers, and making Proviſion for his younger Children.

It is true, there is another Advantage to be expected, which may fully compenſate the Loſs of Cattle and Poultry; by multiplying the Breed of Mankind; and particularly of good Prote⯑ſtants in a Part of the Kingdom half depopula⯑ted by the wild Humour among the Farmers thereof leaving their Country. But I am not ſo skilful in Arithmetick, as to compute the Value.

[160] I have reckoned one per Cent. below the le⯑gal Intereſt for the Money that Sir Arthur muſt expend: And valued the Damage in the other Articles very moderately. However, I am confident he may with good Management be a Saver at leaſt: which is a prodigious In⯑ſtance of Moderation in our Friends towards a profeſſed Tory, whatever Merit he may pre⯑tend by the Unwillingneſs he hath ſhewn to make his Excellency uneaſy in his Adminiſtra⯑tion.

Thus I have with the utmoſt Impartiality col⯑lected every ſingle Favour, (further than per⯑ſonal Civilities) conferred by his Excellency on Tories, and reputed Tories, ſince his firſt Arri⯑val hither, to this preſent 13th Day of April, in the Year of our Lord 1730, giving all Allow⯑ance poſſible to the Arguments on the other Side of the Queſtion.

And the Account will ſtand thus.

Give me Leave now to compute in Groſs the [161] Value of the Favours done by his Excellency to the true Friends of their King and Country, and of the Proteſtant Religion.

It is to be remembered, that although his Excellency cannot be properly ſaid to beſtow Biſhopricks, Commands in the Army, the Place of a Judge, or Commiſſioner in the Re⯑venue, and ſome others; yet they are, for the moſt Part, diſpoſed upon his Recommendation, except where the Perſons are immediately ſent from England by their Intereſt at Court, for which I have allowed large Defalcations in the following Accounts. And it is remarkable that the only conſiderable Station conferred on a re⯑puted Tory ſince his preſent Excellency's Go⯑vernment was of this latter Kind.

And indeed it is but too remarkable, that in a neighbouring Nation (where that dangerous Denomination of Men is incomparably more numerous, more powerful, and of Conſequence more formidable) real Tories can often with much leſs Difficulty obtain very high Favours from the Government, than their reputed Bre⯑thren can arrive to the loweſt in ours. I obſerve this with all poſſible Submiſſion to the Wiſdom of their Policy, which, however, will not, I believe, diſpute the Praiſe of Vigilance with ours.

[162]

I ſhall conclude with this Obſervation, that, as I think, the Tories have ſufficient Reaſon to be fully ſatisfied with the Share of Truſt, and Power, and Employments which they poſſeſs under the Lenity of the preſent Goverment; ſo, I do not find how his Excellency can be juſtly cenſured for favouring none but High-Church, High-flyers, Termagants, Laudiſts, Sa⯑cheverellians, Tip-top-gallon-men, Jacobites, Tan⯑tivyes, Anti-Hannoverians, Friends to Popery and the Pretender, and to Arbitrary Power, Diſobligers of England, Breakers of DEPEN⯑DENCY, Inflamers of Quarrels between the two Nations, Publick Incendiaries, Enemies to the King and Kingdoms, Haters of TRUE [163] Proteſtants, Lawrel-men, Anniſts, Complainers of the Nation's Poverty, Ormondians, Icono⯑claſts, Anti-Glorious-Memoriſts, White-roſaliſts, Tenth-a-Junians, and the like: When by a fair State of the Account, the Balance, I conceive, plainly lies on the other Side.

A True and Faithful NARRATIVE OF What paſs'd in LONDON during the general Conſternation of all Ranks and Degrees of Mankind; On Tueſday, Wedneſday, Thurſday, and Friday laſt.

ON Tueſday the 13th of October, Mr. Whiſton held his Lecture near the Royal Exchange, to an Audience of Fourteen wor⯑thy Citizens, his Subſcribers and conſtant Hearers. Beſides theſe, there were five chance Auditors for that Night only, who had paid their Shillings a-peice. I think my ſelf oblig'd to be very particular in this Relation, leſt my Veracity ſhould be ſuſpected; which makes me appeal to the Men who were Preſent; of which Number, I my ſelf was one. Their Names are

• Henry Watſon, Haberdaſher.
• George Hancock, Druggiſt.
• John Lewis, Dry-Salter.
• William Jones, Corn-Chandler.
• Henry Theobald, Watchmaker.
• James Peters, Draper.
• Thomas Floyer, Silverſmith.
• John Wells, Brewer.
• Samuel Greg, Soap-Boyler.
• William Cooley, Fiſhmonger.
• James Harper, Hoſier.
• Robert Tucker, Stationer.
• George Ford, Ironmonger.
• Daniel Lynch, Apothecary.
• Apprentices.
  • William Bennet,
  • David Somers,
  • Charles Lock,
  • Leonard Daval,
  • Henry Croft,

Mr. Whiſton began by acquainting us, that (contrary to his Advertiſement) he thought himfelf in duty and conſcience, oblig'd to change the ſubject Matter of his intended diſcourſe.—Here he paus'd, and ſeem'd for a ſhort ſpace as it were loſt in Devotion and mental Prayer; after which, with great earneſtneſs and vehe⯑mence he ſpake as follows.

‘"Friends and Fellow Citizens, all ſpeculative Science is at an end; the Period of all things is at Hand; on Friday next this World ſhall be no more. Put not your confidence in me Brethren, for to morrow Morning five [202] Minutes after five the Truth will be Evi⯑dent; in that inſtant the Comet ſhall appear, of which I have heretofore warn'd you. As ye have heard, believe. Go hence, and prepare your Wives, your Families and Friends, for the univerſal Change."’

At this ſolemn and dreadful Prediction, the whole Society appear'd in the utmoſt Aſtoniſh⯑ment: but it would be unjuſt not to remember that Mr. Whiſton himſelf was in ſo calm a Temper, as to return a Shilling a piece to the Youths who had been diſappointed of their Lec⯑ture, which I thought from a Man of his In⯑tegrity a convincing Proof of his own Faith in the Prediction.

As we thought it a Duty, in Charity to warn all Men; in two or three Hours the News had ſpread through the City. At firſt indeed, our report met with but little Credit, it being by our greateſt dealers in Stocks, thought only a Court-Artifice to ſink them, that ſome choice Favourites might purchaſe at a lower Rate; for the South Sea, that very Evening fell five per Cent. the India, eleven; and all the other Funds in Proportion. But at the Court-end of the Town, our Atteſtations were intirely disbe⯑liev'd or turn'd into ridicule; yet nevertheleſs the News ſpread every where, and was the ſub⯑ject matter of all Converſation.

That very Night, (as I was credibly in⯑form'd) Mr. Whiſton was ſent for to a great Lady, who is very curious in the Learned Sciences, and addicted to all the Speculative Doubts of the moſt able Philoſophers; but he [203] was not now to be found: and ſince at other times, he has been known not to decline that Honour, I make no doubt he conceal'd himſelf to attend the great Buſineſs of his Soul: But whether it was the Lady's Faith, or Inquiſitive⯑neſs, that ocaſion'd her to ſend, is a Point I ſhall not preſume to determine. As for his being ſent for to the Secretary's Office by a Meſſenger, it is now known to be a Matter notoriouſly falſe, and indeed at firſt it had little credit with me, that ſo Zealous and Ho⯑neſt a Man ſhould be ordered into Cuſtody, as a Seditious Preacher, who is known to be ſo well affected to the preſent happy Eſtabliſh⯑ment.

'Twas now I reflected with exceeding trouble and ſorrow, that I had diſus'd Family Prayers for above five Years, and (though it hath been a Cuſtom of late intirely neglected by Men of any Buſineſs or Station) I determin'd within myſelf no longer to omit ſo reaſonable and reli⯑gious a Duty. I acquainted my Wife with my Intentions: But two or three Neighbours hav⯑ing been engaged to Sup with us that Night, and many Hours being unwarily ſpent at Cards, I was prevail'd upon by her, to put it off till the next Day; ſhe reaſoning, that it would be time enough to take off the Servants from their Buſineſs (which this practice muſt infallibly oc⯑caſion for an Hour or two every Day) after the Comet had made its appearance.

Zachary Bowen, a Quaker, and my next Neighbour, had no ſooner heard of the Pro⯑phecy but he made me a Viſit. I informed [204] him of every thing I had heard, but found him quite obſtinate in his unbelieve; for, ſaid he, be comforted, Friend, thy tidings are Impoſſibili⯑ties, for were theſe things to happen, they muſt have been foreſeen by ſome of our Bre⯑thren. This indeed (as in all other ſpiritual Caſes with this Sett of People) was his only rea⯑ſon againſt believing me; and, as he was fully perſuaded that the Prediction was erroneous, he in a very neighbourly Manner admoniſhed me againſt ſelling my Stock, at the preſent low Price; which, he ſaid, beyond diſpute muſt have a Riſe before Monday, when this unreaſo⯑nable Conſternation ſhould be over.

But on WEDNESDAY Morning (I believe to the exact Calculation of Mr. Whiſton) the Comet appear'd: For at three Minutes aster five by my own Watch, I ſaw it. He indeed, foretold that it would be ſeen at five Minutes after Five, but as the beſt Watches may be a Minute or two too ſlow, I am apt to think his Calculation juſt to a Minute.

In leſs than a quarter of an Hour, all Cheap⯑ſide was crouded with a vaſt concourſe of Peo⯑ple, and notwithſtanding it was ſo early, 'tis thought that through all that part of the Town, there was not Man, Woman or Child, except the Sick, or Infirm, left in their Beds. From my own Balcony, I am conſident, I ſaw ſeveral Thouſands in the Street, and counted at leaſt ſeventeen who were upon their Knees, and ſeem'd in actual Devotion. Eleven of them indeed appear'd to be old Women of about Fourſcore; The Six others, were Men in an [205] advanc'd Life, but (as I could gueſs) two of them might be under Seventy.

It is highly probable, that an event of this Nature, may be paſs'd over by the greater Hiſtorians of our Times, as conducing very little or nothing to the unravelling and laying open the deep Schemes of Politicians and Myſteries of State; for which reaſon, I thought it might not be unacceptable to record the Facts, which in the Space of three Days came to my Knowledge, either as an Eye-witneſs, or from unqueſtionable Authorities; nor can I think this Narrative will be intirely without its Uſe, as it may enable us to form a more juſt Idea of our Countrymen in general, particularly in regard to their Faith, Religion, Morals and Politicks.

Before WEDNESDAY Noon, the Belief was univerſal that the Day of Judgment was at Hand, inſomuch, that a Waterman of my accquaintance told me he counted no leſs than one hundred and twenty three Clergymen, who had been ferry'd over to Lambeth before twelve a-Clock: theſe, 'tis ſaid, went thither, to Petition, that a ſhort Prayer might be Penn'd and Order'd, there being none in the Service upon that occaſion. But as in things of this Nature, it is neceſſary that the Council be conſulted, their requeſt was not immediately comply'd with; and this I affirm to be the true and only Reaſon that the Churches were not that Morning ſo well attended; and is in no ways to be imputed to the Fears and Con⯑ſternation of the Clergy, with which the Free⯑thinkers [206] have ſince very unjuſtly reproach'd them.

My Wife and I went to Church (where we had not been for many Years on a Week-day) and, with a very large Congregation, were diſ⯑appointed of the Service. But (what will be ſcarce credible) by the careleſſneſs of a 'Prentice, in our abſence, we had a Piece of fine Cambric carried off by a Shop-lifter, ſo little impreſſion was yet made on the minds of thoſe wicked Women!

I cannot omit the care of a particular Direc⯑tor of the Bank; I hope the worthy and wealthy Knight will forgive me that I endeavour to do him Juſtice; for it was unqueſtionably owing to Sir G [...] H [...]'s ſagacity that all the Fire-Offices were requir'd to have a particular Eye upon the Bank of England. Let it be recorded to his Praiſe that in the general hurry, this ſtruck him as his neareſt and tendereſt concern; but the next day in the Evening, after having taken due care of all his Books, Bills and Bonds, I was inform'd, his mind was wholly turn'd upon Spiritual Matters; yet, ever and anon, he could not help expreſſing his reſent⯑ment againſt the Tories and Jacobites, to whom he imputed that ſudden Run upon the Bank which happen'd on this occaſion.

A Great Man (whom at this time it may not be prudent to name) employ'd all the Wedneſday Morning, to make up ſuch an Account as might appear fair, in caſe he ſhould be call'd upon to produce it on the Friday; but was forced to deſiſt, after having [207] for ſeveral Hours together attempted it, not be⯑ing able to bring himſelf to a reſolution to truſt the many hundred Articles of his ſecret Tranſa⯑ctions upon Paper.

Another ſeem'd to be very melancholy, which his flatterers imputed to his dread of loſing his Power in a Day or two; but I rather take it, that his chief concern was, the Terror of be⯑ing try'd in a Court that could not be influenc'd and where a Majority of Voices could avail him nothing. It was obſerv'd too, that he had few Viſitors that Day; this added ſo much to his Mortification, that he read thro' the firſt Chap⯑ter of the Book of Job, and wept over it bitterly; in ſhort, he ſeem'd a true Penitent in every thing but in Charity to his Neighbour. No buſineſs was that Day done in his Compting-Houſe; 'tis ſaid too, that he was advis'd to Reſtitution, but I never heard that he comply'd with it any farther than in giving half a Crown a piece to ſeveral craz'd, and ſtarving Creditors, who attended in the outward Room.

Three of the Maids of Honour ſent to coun⯑termand their Birth-day Cloaths; two of them burnt all their Collections of Novels and Ro⯑mances, and ſent to a Bookſeller's in Pall-mall to buy each of them a Bible, and Taylor's Holy Living and Dying. But I muſt do all of them the Juſtice to acknowledge, that they ſhew'd a very decent Behaviour in the drawing Room, and reſtrain'd themſelves from thoſe innocent Freedoms and little Levities ſo commonly inci⯑dent to young Ladies of their Profeſſion. So ma⯑ny Birth-day Suits were countermanded the next [208] Day, that moſt of the Taylors and Mantua⯑makers diſcharg'd all their Journeymen and Women. A grave elderly Lady of great Eru⯑dition and Modeſty who viſits theſe young Ladies, ſeem'd to be extreamly ſhock'd, by the Apprehenſions that She was to appear naked before the whole World; and no leſs ſo, that all Mankind was to appear naked before Her; which might ſo much divert her Thoughts, as to incapacitate her to give Ready and apt An⯑ſwers to the Interrogatories that might be made her. The Maids of Honour who had both Modeſty and Curioſity, could not imagine the Sight ſo diſagreeable as was repreſented; nay, one of them went ſo far as to ſay, ſhe perfectly long'd to ſee it; for it could not be ſo indecent, when every body was to be alike; and they had a Day or two to prepare them⯑ſelves, to be ſeen in that condition. Upon this reflection, each of them order'd a Bathing-Tub to be got ready that Evening, and a Looking-Glaſs to be ſet by it. So much are theſe young Ladies both by Nature and Cuſtom addicted to cleanly appearance.

A Weſt-Country Gentleman told me, he got a Church-Leaſe fill'd up that Morning for the ſame Sum which had been refus'd for three Years ſucceſſively. I muſt impute this meerly to accident; for I cannot imagine that any Divine could take the advantage of his Tenant, in ſo unhandſome a Manner; or that the ſhort⯑neſs of the Life was in the leaſt his Conſidera⯑tion; though I have heard the ſame worthy [209] Prelate aſpers'd and malign'd ſince upon this very Account.

The Term being ſo near, the alarm among the LAWYERS was inexpreſſible, though ſome of them, I was told, were ſo vain as to promiſe themſelves ſome advantages in making their de⯑fence, by being vers'd in the Practice of our earthly Courts. It is ſaid too, that ſome of the chief Pleaders were heard to expreſs great ſatis⯑faction, that there had been but ſew State-Tryals of late Years. Several Attornies de⯑manded the return of Fees that had been given the Lawyers: but it was anſwered the Fee was undoubtedly charg'd to their Client, and that they could not connive at ſuch Injuſtice, as to ſuffer it to be ſunk in the Attorney's Pockets. Our ſage and learned Judges had great conſola⯑tion, inſomuch as they had not pleaded at the Bar for ſeveral Years; the Barriſters rejoyced in that they were not Attornies, and the Attor⯑nies felt no leſs ſatisfaction that they were not Petti-foggers, Scriveners, and other meaner Officers of the Law.

As to the ARMY, far be it from me to con⯑ceal the Truth. Every Soldier's behaviour was as undiſmayed, and undaunted, as if nothing was to happen: I impute not this to their want of Faith, but to their martial Diſpoſition; though I cannot help thinking they commonly accompany their commands with more Oaths than are requiſite, of which there was no re⯑markable diminution this Morning on the Pa⯑rade in St. James's Park. But poſſibly it was by choice, and on conſideration, that they [210] continued this way of Expreſſion, not to intimi⯑date the common Soldiers, or give occaſion to ſuſpect that even the Fear of Damnation could make any impreſſion upon their Superior Offi⯑cers. A Duel was fought the ſame Morning between two Colonels, not occaſion'd, (as was reported) becauſe the one was put over the other's Head; that being a Point which might at ſuch a Juncture have been accommodated by the Mediation of Friends; but as this was upon the account of a Lady, 'twas judg'd it could not be put off at this time, above all others, but demanded immediate Satisfaction. I am apt to believe that a young Officer who deſir'd his Surgeon to defer putting him into a Salivation till Saturday, might make this requeſt out of ſome Opinion he had of the truth of the Pro⯑phecy; for the apprehenſions of any danger in the Operation could not be his Motive, the Surgeon himſelf having aſſured me that he had before undergone three ſevere Operations of the like Nature, with great reſignation and for⯑titude.

There was an Order iſſued, that the Chap⯑lains of the ſeveral Regiments ſhould attend their Duty; but as they were diſpers'd about in ſeveral parts of England, it was believ'd, that moſt of them could not be found, or ſo much as heard of, till the great Day was over.

Moſt of the conſiderable PHYSICIANS by their outward demeanor ſeem'd to be Unbelie⯑vers; but at the ſame time, they every where inſinuated, that there might be a Peſtilential Malignancy in the Air, occaſion'd by the Co⯑met, [211] which might be arm'd againſt by proper and timely Medicines. This caution had but little effect; for as the time approach'd, the Chriſtian Reſignation of the People encreas'd, and moſt of them (which was never before known) had their Souls more at Heart, than their Bodies.

If the Reverend CLERGY ſhow'd more Concern than others, I charitably impute it to their great charge of Souls; and what confirm'd me in this Opinion was, that the Degrees of Apprehenſion and Terror could be diſtinguiſh'd to be greater or leſs, according to their Ranks and Degrees in the Church.

The like might be obſerv'd in all ſorts of Miniſters, though not of the Church of Eng⯑land; the higher their Rank, the more was their Fear.

I ſpeak not of the COURT, for fear of of⯑fence; and I forbear Inſerting the Names of particular Perſons, to avoid the imputation of Slander, ſo that the Reader will allow this Narrative muſt be deficient, and is therefore deſir'd to accept hereof rather as a Sketch, than a regular circumſtantial Hiſtory.

I was not inform'd of any Perſons who ſhew'd the leaſt Joy, except three Malefactors who were to be executed the Monday following, and one Old Man, a conſtant Church-goer, who being at the point of Death, expreſt ſome ſatis⯑faction at the News.

On Thurſday Morning there was little or nothing tranſacted in Change-Alley; there were a Multitude of Sellers, but ſo few Buyers, [212] that one cannot affirm the Stocks bore any cer⯑tain Price except among the Jews; who this Day, reap'd great Profit by their Infidelity. There were many who call'd themſelves Chri⯑ſtians, who offer'd to buy for time, but as theſe were People of great Diſtinction, I chuſe not to mention them, becauſe in effect it would ſeem to accuſe them both of Avarice, and In⯑fidelity.

The Run upon the Bank is too well known to need a particular Relation; for it never can be forgotten that no one Perſon whatever (ex⯑cept the Directors themſelves, and ſome of their particular Friends and Aſſociates) could convert a Bill all that Day into Specie; all hands being imploy'd to ſerve them.

In the ſeveral Churches of the City and Suburbs, there were ſeven Thouſand two Hun⯑dred and Forty Five, who publickly and ſo⯑lemnly declar'd before the Congregation, that they took to Wife their ſeveral kept Miſtreſſes, which was allow'd as valid Marriage, the Prieſts not having time to pronounce the Ceremony in Form.

At St. Bride's Church in Fleetſtreet, Mr. Woolſton (who writ againſt the Miracles of our Saviour) in the utmoſt Terrors of Conſcience, made a publick Recantation. Dr. Mandevil; (who had been groundleſsly reported formerly to have done the ſame) did it now in good earneſt at St. James's Gate; as did alſo at the Tem⯑ple Church ſeveral Gentlemen, who frequent Coffee-Houſes near the Bar. So great was the Faith and Fear of two of them, that they [213] dropt Dead on the Spot; but I will not record their Names, leſt I ſhould be thought invidi⯑ouſly to lay an Odium on their Families and Poſterity.

Moſt of the Players who had very little Faith before, were now deſirous of having as much as they cou'd, and therefore embrac'd the Roman Catholick Religion; the ſame thing was obſerv'd of ſome Bawds, and Ladies of Pleaſure.

An Iriſh Gentleman out of pure Friendſhip came to make me a Viſit, and advis'd me to hire a Boat for the enſuing Day, and told me, that unleſs I gave earneſt for one immediately, he fear'd it might be too late; for his Country⯑men had ſecured almoſt every Boat upon the River, as judging that, in the general Conflagra⯑tion to be upon the Water would be the ſafeſt Place.

There were two Lords, and three Commoners, who, out of a ſcruple of Conſcience, very ha⯑ſtily threw up their Penſions, as imagining a Pen⯑ſion was only an annual retaining Bribe. All the other great Penſioners, I was told, had their Scruples quieted by a Clergyman or two of diſtin⯑ction, whom they happily conſulted.

It was remarkable that ſeveral of our very richeſt Tradeſmen of the City, in common Cha⯑rity, gave away Shillings and Six-pences to the Beggars, who ply'd about the Church Doors; and at a particular Church in the City, a Weal⯑thy Church-warden with his own Hands diſtri⯑buted Fifty twelve-penny Loaves to the Poor by way of Reſtitution for the many great and [214] coſtly Feaſts, which he had eaten of at their ex⯑pence.

Three great Ladies, a Valet de Chambre, two Lords, a Cuſtom-Houſe Officer, five Half⯑pay Captains, and a Baronet, (all noted Game⯑ſters) came publickly into a Church at Weſtmin⯑ſter, and depoſited a very conſiderable Sum of Money in the Miniſter's Hands; the Parties whom they had defrauded, being either out of Town, or not to be found. But ſo great is the Hardneſs of Heart of this Fraternity, that a⯑mong either the Noble, or Vulgar Gameſters, (though the Profeſſion is ſo general) I did not hear of any other reſtitution of this Sort. At the ſame time I muſt obſerve that (in compari⯑ſon of theſe) through all parts of the Town, the Juſtice and Penitence of the Highway-Men, Houſe-breakers, and common Pick-Pockets was very remarkable.

The Directors of our Publick Companies were in ſuch dreadful apprehenſions, that one would have thought a Parliamentary Enquiry was at hand; yet ſo great was their preſence of Mind, that all the Thurſday Morning was taken up in private Transfers, which by malicious People was thought to be done with deſign to conceal their Effects.

I forbear mentioning the private Confeſſions of particular Ladies to their Husbands; for as their Children were born in Wedlock, and of conſe⯑quence are Legitimate, it would be an invidious Task to record them as Baſtards; and particu⯑larly after their ſeveral Husbands have ſo chari⯑tably forgiven them.

[215] The Evening and Night, through the whole Town, were ſpent in Devotions both Publick and Private; the Churches for this one Day, were ſo crowded by the Nobility and Gentry, that Thouſands of common People were ſeen praying in the publick Streets. In ſhort, one would have thought the whole Town had been really and ſeriouſly religious. But what was very remarkable, all the different Perſuaſions kept by themſelves, for as each thought the other would be damned, not one would join in Prayer with the other.

At length FRIDAY came, and the People cover'd all the Streets; Expecting, Watching and Praying. But as the Day wore away, their Fears firſt began to abate, then leſſen'd every hour, at Night they were almoſt extinct, till the total Darkneſs, that hitherto us'd to terrify, now comforted every Free-thinker and Atheiſt. Great numbers went together to the Taverns, beſpoke Suppers, and broke up whole Hogs⯑heads for joy. The ſubject of all Wit and Converſation was to ridicule the Prophecy, and railly each other. All the Quality and Gentry were perfectly aſham'd, nay, ſome utterly diſ⯑own'd that they had manifeſted any Signs of Religion.

But the next Day, even the Common People, as well as their Betters, appear'd in their uſual ſtate of Indifference. They Drank, they Whor'd, they Swore, they Ly'd, they Cheated, they Plunder'd, they Gam'd, they Quarrell'd, they Murder'd. In ſhort, the World went on in the old Channel.

[216] I need not give any Inſtances of what will ſo eaſily be credited, but I cannot omit relating, that Mr. Woolſton advertis'd, in that very Satur⯑day's Evening-Poſt, a new Treatiſe againſt the Miracles of our Saviour; and that the few, who had given up their Penſions the Day before, ſo⯑licited to have them continued; which, as they had not been thrown up upon any Miniſterial Point, I am inform'd was readily granted.