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THE WIDOW's VOW.

Price ONE SHILLING.

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THE WIDOW's VOW. A FARCE, IN TWO ACTS, AS IT IS ACTED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, HAY-MARKET.

LONDON: [...]INTED FOR G. G. J. AND J. ROBINSON, PATER-NOSTER-ROW. 1786.

PROLOGUE,

[]
Written by Mr. HOLCROFT,
Spoken by Mr. BANNISTER, jun.
PROLOGUES, with cauſtic touch, have often tried
To probe your ſpleen, prove knaves and fools allied;
Have twiſted words and wit ten thouſand ways,
To ſhew that theſe are moſt degenerate days!
A different taſk be ours.—We'll prove that you
Are wiſe and happy. Nay! tho' ſtrange, 'tis true!
Firſt on your ſafety think! now belles appear
By ample bulwarks guarded, front and rear!
Now male and female amble, ſide by ſide,
Exempt from harm, by breaſt-works fortify'd!
Here polygons defend Miſs Molly's breaſt!
There horn-works huſh the huſband's fears to reſt!
By ramparts, daily rais'd, he's freed from cares;
If he'll but grant ſufficient for repairs.
Our ſtrength thus prov'd, proceed we to diſcloſe
How new-made wealth thro' new-made channels flows!
How rich we are, in medal-ruſt and rare things!
In copper coins, gilt pence and—Queen-Anne-farthings!
How ſhells, ſtuff'd monkies, and Cremonas old,
In hand of Auctioneer, are current gold!
He "Going! going!" cries. "The hammer's up!
"This fine antique! this Roman—caudle-cup!"
A gem ſo rare makes connoiſſeurs turn pale,
Fearful, alike, to purchaſe or to fail!
Hope trembles, ſtarts, from lip to lip rebounds,
Till down ſhe's knock'd by—Ah!—one thouſand pounds!
The envied purchaſer, with joy e [...]ate,
Pays for his prize by—felling his eſtate!
[]While Smirk, in florid ſtyle, words nicely plac'd,
Proteſts theee lot does, anner to his taſte!
Mimick [...]
Yes! ſure you're happy! and ſhould reſt content,
Now landſcapes are reduced fifteen per cent:
And Claude's and Titian's new-found wonders may
By new-made Peers be bought—if new-made Peers to pay.
Aſſuming ſorrow.
One thing, indeed, may well your peace invade,
Pawnbrokers! threaten you to leave off trade!
W [...]t
Returning to his former chearful tone.
All things conſidered, now, while ſafety ſmiles,
And wealth inundates thus our Queen of iſles;
While Vickery head defects ſo ſoon repairs,
And half unpeoples Greenland of her bears;
While exhibitions, galas and reviews,
Liſle-ſtreet, Vauxhall, the Abbey, Handel, Hughes,
Flutes, fiddles, trombos, double-drums, baſſoons,
Mara, the ſpeaking-figure, fiſh-balloons,
Earth-baths, live-eagles, ſuch as never flew,
L' Hercule du Roy! and General Jackoo!
While theſe create a round of ſuch delight,
Sure, we may hope, you will not frown to-night!
While farces numerous as theſe go down,
Our farce may in its turn amuſe the town;
And, ſmiling thus on Folly's vaſt career,
Sure not on us, alone, you'll be ſevere!

ADVERTISEMENT.

[]

[...]he AUTHOR of the WIDOW's VOW is indebted for the Plot of her Piece, and for the Plot only, to L' He [...]ſ [...] Erreur, a French Comedy of one Act, by M. PATRAT, but to the Excellence of the Engliſh Performers alone is ſhe indebted for its very flattering Succeſs.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

[]

Scene a Village in Spain.

THE WIDOW's VOW.

[]

ACT I.

SCENE I. A Hall in a Caſtle.

Enter JEROME and FLORA.
[...]RA.

I Can't go at preſent, Mr. Jerome, for I expect my Lady every moment to ring, if I ſhould be out of the way ſhe will be an [...] and as I am but new in her ſervice—

[...]EROME.

She angry! Oh you don't know her—When you have been a day or two with you'll find ſhe is never angry—She is beſt tempered creature—and were it not for averſion to us men, ſhe would not have a [...].

FLORA.
[2]

Do you conſider that as a fault, b [...] Jerome?

JEROME.

To be ſure I do—For my par [...] think ſhe had much better be too fond of us, [...] the reſt of her ſex are.

FLORA.

Pray, Mr. Jerome, what cauſed [...] averſion to the men?

JEROME.

I'll tell you, Flora, if it wo'nt [...] you melancholy.

FLORA.

Oh, no, Mr. Jerome—I like a [...] lancholy ſtory—I like dearly to cry, when it is [...] on my own account.

JEROME.

Well then—When my Lady was [...] ly fifteen ſhe fell deep in love with a fine ha [...] ſome young fellow, inferior to her both in [...] and fortune; but my good old Lord, her fa [...] who doated upon her, was afraid a diſapp [...] ment might break her heart, and ſo c [...]nſente [...] her having him; but he proved ſo bad a huſb [...] that my poor old Maſter ſoon died with grief.

FLORA.

Poor man!

JEROME.

Don't cry yet, there's ſometh [...] worſe to come—My Lady, on this, took ſuch diſlike to her huſband, that he died of [...] too.

FLORA.

Indeed, Mr. Jerome, this is [...] moving.

cries.
JEROME.

On this—

[...]LORA.
[3]

I hope there is nothing worſe to [...]?

[...]EROME.

On this, my Lady made a vow to [...] herſelf up from the whole ſex.

[...]LORA.

Well, that is more affecting than any [...]

[...]ROME.

And ſhe immediately retired to this [...]y caſtle, where, except the houſe of Donna [...]lla next door, we have not a neighbour for [...]; and even there we are ſtrangers—for my [...] I have never ſo much as ſeen Donna Iſabella, [...]changed a word with any of the ſervants ſince [...] came to the place—though indeed they have [...]een here above eight days.

[...]ORA.

But how long has my Lady kept this [...] of avoiding all your ſex?

[...]ROME.

Eighteen months.

[...]ORA.

Eighteen weeks! what a time!

[...]ROME.

Months.

[...]ORA.

Months! ſhe has certainly loſt her [...].

[...]ROME.

Not ſhe.

[...]ORA.

O but I am ſure ſhe muſt have loſt [...] of them.

[...]ROME.

I tell you no.—But I muſt leave you [...] Mrs. Flora, for yonder is Don Antonio, and [...]ieve he is coming this way.

FLORA.
[4]

I thought no man was admitted in the caſtle but you, Mr. Jerome?

JEROME.

Yes; Don Antonio lives here—then he is my Lady's uncle; and you know th [...] can be no fear of her falling in love with him, [...] he is a relation.

FLORA.

But you are no relation, Mr. j [...] rome.

JEROME.

Why, as you ſay, ſhe might f [...]l [...] love with me—Stranger things have happened and to tell you the truth, ſhe does not ſeem [...] ſitive ſhe ſhan't, for ſhe bids me keep out of [...] ſight as much as poſſible, for fear I ſhould put [...] in mind of that handſome villain that brought [...] to this retirement.

FLORA.

Here comes the old Gentleman!

JEROME.

Then I muſt go, for he'il be with wan [...] to ſay ſomething to you—he is for ever ru [...] after all the maids—I am ſorry to leave you— [...] am, indeed, Flora; indeed I am—Oh it woul [...] a happy thing for me if I could bring m [...]ſe [...] care as little for the women, as my Lady does [...] the men.

Exit Jero [...]
FLORA.

A fine ſweetheart, truly, I have go and if this old fright proves another, I'll be [...] with him.

Enter Antonis—She courteſys
ANTONIO.

Hah!—what!—what is all this [...] what have we here?—what have we here? [...] [5] [...]retty girl—a very pretty girl indeed!—My [...]iece's new maid, I ſuppoſe—Aye, aye, I had the [...]ther ſent about her buſineſs—She muſt be like [...]er miſtreſs forſooth, and have nothing to ſay to a [...]an—

going up to Flora

My dear, come this way I think your's is a new face—

FLORA.

Yes, Sir—and I think your's is an old [...]e.

ANTONIO.

Hem—hem.—Pray what is your [...]me?

FLORA.

A very good name—and I intend ne [...]r to change it for a bad one.—

ANTONIO.

Look in my face—What do you [...]uſh for?

FLORA.

For you.

ANTONIO

Come, come, no pertneſs—but let [...] bid you welcome to the caſtle.

offers to ſalute [...].
FLORA.

No, indeed you ſhan't.

ANTONIO.

I will bid you welcome to the [...]ſtle.

after a ſtruggle he ſalutes her.
FLORA.

Upon my word, Sir, you are very [...]—How would you like I ſhould ſerve you [...]

ANTONIO.

Do—Do—ſerve me ſo—you are very [...]come.

[6] Eater JEROME.
JEROME.

Flora, there's a young woman at the gate, who ſays ſhe lives with Dona Iſabella, and wants to ſpeak to you upon ſome particular buſineſs—Can your Honor ſpare her with no inconvenience to yourſelf?

ANTONIO.

Yes—Yes—ſhe may go—

Exi [...] Flora and Jerome

A young woman at the gate, now do I want to bid her welcome to the caſt [...]e— [...] a maid of Donna Iſabella, our neighbour—by the bye I muſt bring about an acquaintance with Donna Iſabella and the Counteſs my niece, if I can, for I am told Iſabella is a very beautiful lady—and I ſhould like to bid her welcome to the caſtle—but, notwithſtanding all the pains I have takes, ever ſince ſhe has arrived, to procure a ſight of her, I have not been able—I would, however, fo [...] myſelf into the houſe, but it ſeems ſhe has a young brother, the Marquis, come down on a vi [...]t to her within theſe three days, and he might take upon him to reſent my gallantry—and I can't ſay I am fond of reſentments, rage and hatred—no, no, the ſoſter paſſions poſſeſs me wholly.

Exi [...]

SCENE II. A Chamber at DONNA ISABELLA's.

Enter ISABELLA followed by the MARQUIS.
MARQUIS.

But my dear ſiſter, did not you ſeduce me to this melancholy ſpot, on a promiſe [...] [7] [...]ou would procure me an introduction to the rich [...]idow, the charming Counteſs?—Intereſt firſt [...]rompted my wiſhes, but ſince I have beheld her, [...] is love.

ISABEL.

Beheld her!

MARQUIS.

Yes, beheld her—walking in her [...]rden—ſitting negligently in an arbor.

ISABEL.

But how?—How contrive to ſee [...]?—

MARQUIS.

From the top of our houſe, through [...]eleſcope—but, my dear ſiſter, do bring us a [...]le nearer, or I'll purchaſe a ſpeaking trumpet, [...] make love to her through it, though my [...]ſſion be heard by every ſoul within a quarter of [...]ile.

ISABEL.

I tell you I have great hopes.

MARQUIS.

But why not accept of her ac [...]intance, and prevail on her yourſelf to ſee [...]?

[...]SABEL.

I tell you again, the letters I expect [...]n her uncle at Madrid will have more weight [...]n volumes I could ſay—She dare not diſobey [...], and muſt ſee you.

MARQUIS.

And yet I would not compel her to [...] Unleſs ſhe conſents to my acquaintance free [...] without being conſtrained by force, or de [...]ed by ſtratagem, I had rather have recourſe [...]he top of the houſe and my teleſcope again.

ISABEL.
[8]

Do not let your ſcrupulous honor overcome all your future proſpects—Notwithſtanding theſe letters will ſtrongly recommend you, yet it will be with her own conſent only ſhe will yield to the recommendation.

MARQUIS.

But when do you expect the letters?

ISABEL.

Every inſtant—my ſervants are no [...] gone to the Poſt-office.

MARQUIS.

I'll fly and ſee if they are [...] turned.

ISABEL.

Do; for as ſoon as the letters are [...] rived, I would not have you loſe a moment [...] away, and know your fate at once—yet if ſhe [...] but ſee you I think with ſuch a perſon as your [...] there can be little to fear.

MARQUIS.

But they tell me ſhe is ſo auſte [...] ſince this rigid vow—ſo awful—ſhe will petr [...] me with a look.

ISABEL.

Pſhaw—away, and ſee if the lette [...] are come.

MARQUIS.

I will, and if they are, and I g [...] admittance, I'm reſolved I will obtain [...] huſband within a week, in return, my dear ſiſt [...] for your kindneſs to me.

Exit Marqu [...]
Enter INIS.
ISABEL.

Well, Inis—I am impatient to he [...] What ſucceſs?

INIS.
[9]

Delightful, Madam—I have been intro [...]ced to the young Counteſs—I firſt communi [...]ted the intelligence of the pretended plot form [...]g againſt her to her waiting-woman, who was [...]fficiently alarmed at it, to take me to her Lady [...]mediately.

ISABEL.

Well.

INIS.

And ſo, Madam, as ſoon as I was in [...]duced I fell a crying—I thought that was the [...]ſt way.

ISABEL.

Very well.

INIS.

And then, before I diſcovered what I had ſay, I made her promiſe not to betray me, [...]ch ſhe did moſt ſolemnly, and without the [...]ſt reluctance—and now, Madam, ſays I, I [...] ſervant with your neighbour, Donna Iſabella, [...]ighty Lady, who turns every thing ſerious and [...]ed into ridicule; and ſhe has reſolved to make [...]t of you for pretending an averſion to men, [...] for that purpoſe ſhe has procured recom [...]ndations for you to receive the viſits of the [...]ng Marquis her brother, but inſtead of him, [...] purpoſes to come herſelf, diſguiſed as a man, [...]vail on you to conſent to be married to her, [...] then throw off the maſk, and make you and [...] vow the jeſt of the whole kingdom.

ISABEL.

This is all right—go on.

[...]NIS.

On this ſhe thanked me a thouſand times [...] the diſcovery.

[...]SABEL.

But did ſhe ſay ſhe would receive [...]?

INIS.
[10]

Oh yes—ſhe has promiſed to receive you on my account, that my divulging the ſcheme may not be detected.

ISABEL.

And ſhe is abſolutely reſolved to receive me under the title of my brother?

INIS.

You may depend upon it—but how are you to proceed now?

ISABEL.

Send my brother to her immediately.

INIS.

Your brother!

ISABEL.

Yes—The Counteſs, from what you have told her, will ſuppoſe him a woman, receive him, and conſequently ſuffer a thouſand endearing familiarities; till, charmed by the graces of his mind and perſon, ſhe ſhall love him without knowing it, and, when ſhe detects the impoſtor, be unable to part with him.

INIS.

And if ſhe is like me, ſhe'll think it the happieſt day of her life—but have you prepared your brother how to act his part?

ISABEL.

He has nothing to act, being the very perſon he repreſents, and therefore ſhall not know of the art by which he is introduced—for, except being a little too attentive to dreſs and etiquette, a circumſtance which, with his youthful appearance, favours our deſign, he is one of the mo [...] amiable young men in the world, and the le [...] idea of impoſition would ſhock his honour, and put an end to my ſcheme.

INIS.
[11]

Then he is not to know he is to be taken for a woman.

ISABEL.

Certainly not—Huſh, here he is, now for my credentials.

taking out letters from her packet.
Enter MARQUIS.
MARQUIS.

Oh, my dear ſiſter, there are no letters arrived.

ISABEL.

Yes, here they are—

Gives a packet [...]f letters

my maid has juſt brought them me.

MARQUIS.

O with what joy I receive them—they are all right?—There will be no miſtake I [...]ope?—Nothing to make me appear ridiculous?—I would not appear ridiculous for the world.

ISABEL.

All is right—No, no.

MARQUIS.

They are addreſſed to her uncle!

ISABEL.

Yes, becauſe it will be far more de [...]icate to be introduced through his means— [...]ut there is one encloſed to her.

MARQUIS.

D'ye think ſhe'll ſee me?

ISABEL.

Yes; I dare ſay—There is little doubt [...]f it.

INIS.

By my dream laſt night, I'd lay my life he will.

MARQUIS.

Why, what did you dream?

INIS.
[12]

I dreamt ſhe ordered her ſervants to drag your Lordſhip by force out of the houſe, and duck you in the great fiſh-pond for a whole hour.

MARQUIS.

Is that a ſign?—

INIS.

O yes—Dreams always go by contraries.

MARQUIS.
Going, returns.

But I know ſhe is ſo haughty and reſerved, that, ſhould ſhe admit me, I ſhall appear confuſed and awkward.—

INIS.

So much the better—ſhe expects you'll be awkward.

MARQUIS.

Expects I ſhall be awkward!

ISABEL.

Pſhaw, pſhaw—Heſitate no longe [...] with your fears, but away—you know your firſt court muſt be to the uncle, and when you hav [...] been a little time in the houſe your apprehenſion will vaniſh.—Away, away.

MARQUIS.

But if ſhe ſhould not condeſcen [...] to ſee me?

INIS.

Oh, my Lord, you may depend upon [...] ſhe will, becauſe of my dream.

Exit Marquis on one ſide and Iſabella and Inis [...] the other.

SCENE III. The Hall in the Caſtle.

[13]
Enter FLORA and JEROME.
[...]LORA.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

[...]EROME.

Ha, ha, ha, ha—But is all this matter act?

[...]LORA.

As true as I am alive, Jerome—I have [...]e nothing but laugh ever ſince I heard it—But [...]ou think, Jerome, ſhe'll be dreſt all over like [...]n?

[...]EROME.

To be ſure.

[...]LORA.

What, every thing?

[...]EROME.

Yes——Every thing—Egad, I long to [...] a peep at her!

[...]LORA.

Aye, and ſo would Antonio too, if he [...].—

[...]EROME.

Aye, that he would—he'd be ſo fond [...]e young Marquis there would be no keeping away from her—but he does not knew of it, ſay?

[...]LORA.

No; no ſoul knows of it yet but my [...] and I, and now I have told it to you; and [...] to tell it to all the ſervants as ſoon as ſhe [...]es, that they may not think my Lady has [...]en her vow, by admitting a man—Lord, I [...]der how I ſhould look in men's clothes!

JEROME.
[14]

There's the Prieſt's old great clo [...] doublet, and jack-boots hanging up behind t [...] door, if you have a mind to try, and I'll ſtep [...] of the way till you have put them on.

A loud rapping at the doo [...]
FLORA.

Here ſhe is—Here ſhe is—Oh dea [...] Oh dear—how aſhamed I am for her.

JEROME.

And I wiſh I may die if ſo ben't [...]

Covering his ey [...]
FLORA.

And yet ſomehow I long to ſee her

Another rappin [...]
FLORA.

Run, Jerome, run.

JEROME.

This moment

turning back

bu [...] am ſo afraid I ſhall laugh.

FLORA.

O no—Don't laugh—if you do y [...] will ſpoil all, and my Lady will never forgi [...] you.

JEROME.

Well—I won't—I won't, if I [...] help it—I'll look ſo—juſt ſo, if I can—as ſ [...]ri [...] as a judge—will that do?

looking ſerious.
FLORA.

Yes; that will do.

Rapping agai [...]
JEROME.
Going.

Ha, ha, ha, ha—I can't b [...] laughing a little though—but not before he [...] I'll be as ſerious as a judge before her.

[...]

Egad I am afraid—I am afraid I ſhall laugh.

Exit, ſtifling a laug [...]
FLORA.

Now where ſhall I run to have a pe [...] at her?—in here.

Exit Flo [...]
[15] [...]er JEROME, bowing before the MARQUIS, [...]ith his face on one ſide, as if he was afraid to look [...]t him for fear he ſhould laugh.
[...]ARQUIS.

Let Don Antonio know I have let [...] for him.

[...]EROME.

Yes, your Honour—Lordſhip.

Lift- [...]p his eyes, looking at him with ſide glances, and [...] d [...]fficulty ſtifling a laugh.

Your Honour, [...] Lordſhip—Let Don Antonio—know—you [...]ve—letters—for—him.

Suppreſſing a laugh.
[...]ARQUIS.

Yes; is not that plain?

[...]ROME.

Yes.

ſtill ſuppreſſing a laugh.

And [...] be very glad to wait upon your Honour.

Laughs right out and exit.
[...]ARQUIS.

A ſtrange fellow this—How my [...]t beats!

[...]LORA.
from a door.

Oh that ſhe would [...] turn this way, that I might ſee her face—Oh [...]mpudent ſlut.

Enter JEROME with a grin on his face.
[...]EROME.

Noble Lord, Don Antonio will be [...] immediately.

Then laughs and ſtares at him [...] head to foot.

Here he is.

Enter ANTONIO.
The Marquis bows very reſpectfully whilſt Je [...] is laughing and making faces behind.
MARQUIS.
[16]

Letters, my Lord, from your b [...] ther at Madrid.

ANTONIO.

Signior.

Taking the letters.
MARQUIS.
aſide while Antonio reads.

Heave [...] whence this palpitation? If ſuch are the feelin [...] of my boſom on knowing myſelf in the ſame ho [...] with her, what muſt be my agitation on a ne [...] approach!

ANTONIO.

My letters inform me it is the M [...] quis who does me the honour of this viſit— [...] Lord, your Lordſhip—

JEROME.

Ha, ha, ha.

ANTONIO.

What's the matter with you?

JEROME.

Sir, I was only—

ANTONIO.

Only what? Leave the room.

JEROME.
Aſide.

Well I thought the [...] Don would have found out a woman in any d [...] guiſe.

E [...]
ANTONIO.

My Lord, you may command [...] ſervices and friendſhip, but I fear you will not [...] them ſo highly as I could wiſh, as you muſt be [...] barred the acquaintance and ſociety of my niec [...] [...] You are no ſtranger to the vow ſhe has taken [...]

MARQUIS.

I am not—and yet I flatter my [...] the manner in which I am ſpoken of in theſe [...] ters—

ANTONIO.

Be certain, Sir, my niece ſhall [...] ceive them, urged with all my authority for an [...] [...]view. [17] Will your Lordſhip take a turn in the [...]den while I deliver them and enforce their con [...] [...]ts?

MARQUIS.

I will—and ſhould you prove ſuc [...]ful, Don Antonio, I ſhall ever retain the deep [...] ſenſe of the obligation.

Exit Marquis.
Enter the COUNTESS.
[...]NTONIO.

Niece, I was this moment coming [...]ou, to bring you theſe letters from your uncle Madrid, which you will find recommend, in [...] ſtrongeſt manner, to your acquaintance, no [...]r than the young Marquis our neighbour— [...]e a youth as ever I ſaw.

[...]OUNTESS.

Ha, ha, ha—is he arrived?—

[...]NTONIO.

Now in the houſe—What is the [...]ter?—Did you hear of his intended viſit?

[...]OUNTESS.

Yes—Ha, ha, ha—how does he [...]?

[...]NTONIO.

Delightfully—I don't think I ever [...] handſomer man.

[...]OUNTESS.

Man!—Ha, ha, ha, I dare ſay he [...]s a little awkward?

[...]NTONIO.

Aukward! No; he is as elegant in [...]eportment, and as fine, as finiſhed a young [...]w as ever I ſaw.

COUNTESS.
[18]
After looking over the letter.

Certainly, I ſhall comply with my uncle's requeſt—Let his Lordſhip be admitted.

ANTONIO.

Niece, I always knew you could no [...] keep your vow—I always knew the very firſt ma [...] that came in your way—craſh it would go directly, but let me perſuade you to break it by degrees and not let the world ſay you made no ſtrugg [...] firſt.

COUNTESS.

Struggle! Now, my dear Uncle with all your deep diſcernment, particularly i [...] regard to our ſex, to ſee you at laſt impoſed upo [...] delights me.

ANTONIO.

Impoſed upon!

COUNTESS.

Yes; for this ſelf-ſame Marqu [...] is a woman.

ANTONIO.

A woman!

COUNTESS.

Yes; this "fine, elegant cre [...] ture."

ANTONIO.

That is, then, the very reaſon w [...] I thought her ſo—"a fine creature,"—now that [...] intuition, inſtinct, love without knowing it—But, my dear niece, are you ſure you are r [...]ght Are you ſure you don't deceive me? Don't di [...] appoint me—I can't bear a diſappointment in [...] matter like this—I am vaſtly pleaſed, and a di [...] appointment might be fatal.

COUNTESS.

I aſſure you again a woman— [...] to the Marquis—and has undertaken this ſche [...] [19] [...]rely to make love to me, and turn me into ridi [...]le.

ANTONIO.

Now I think of it again, ſhe was de [...]iſh awkward—and I believe wore her ſword on [...] wrong ſide.

COUNTESS.

It is ſhe herſelf depend upon it.

ANTONIO.

To be ſure it is—and I'll be hang'd [...]t did not ſtrike me to be a woman the moment [...]id my eyes on her—for ſhe came up to me [...]ping and ſliding, and toſſing her head, juſt as [...] fine ladies do.

Mimicks.

Well—But what you intend to do? I know what I intend to [...]

COUNTESS.

I ſhall carry on the ſcheme, and [...]end to be deceived, till I turn the joke ſhe [...]gns for me, on herſelf.

ANTONIO.

Yes; and I intend to have my [...]e too.

COUNTESS.

But you muſt keep the ſecret.

ANTONIO.

I wo'nt ſay a word.

COUNTESS.

Take his Lordſhip into the ſa [...] [...], and I'll wait upon him immediately.

ANTONIO.

Aye, my dear—and you need not [...] in a hurry—Egad, I like the joke of all [...]gs.

Exit.
[20] Enter JEROME and FLORA.
FLORA.

Dear my Lady, have you ſeen her?

COUNTESS.

Not yet.

FLORA.

Well, I declare ſhe looks as like man!

COUNTESS.

I ſhall certainly laugh in h [...] face.

JEROME.

Oh no, don't laugh—Never g [...] your mind to laughing—I did not even ſmile, [...] kept my countenance as ſteady—juſt thus—D [...] not I, Flora? Oh—'tis ſuch a weakneſs to laugh Look juſt ſo—as I do now—

COUNTESS.

I muſt away to the trial, howeve [...] come with me to the door, Flora.

JEROME.

And be ſure you don't laugh Think on me, and keep your countenance—you can.

Exit Counteſs and Flora on one ſide and Jerom [...] the other.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.

ACT II.

[21]

SCENE I. The Hall in the Caſtle.

Enter FLORA.

DEAR me, what a pretty footman ſhe has brought with her!—he made me ſuch a fine was I paſt—and looked ſo grand—here he is.

Enter CARLOS and bows—She courteſies.
FLORA.

O Lord, I hope this is not a woman [...]! but I dare ſay it is—Lord what a pity! but [...] talk to him, and I ſhall ſoon be able to find [...]t—and if he does not fall in love with me, I'll [...]nclude it can't be a man.

aſide.
CARLOS.

A very pretty girl.

aſide.

Your [...]mble ſervant, my dear angel.

FLORA.

Too conceited for a man.

aſide.
CARLOS.

May I venture, on ſo ſlight an ac [...]aintance to proteſt to you—

FLORA.
[22]

No—he proteſts—'tis a man.

aſide
CARLOS.

Permit me to aſſure you—

FLORA.

Sir!

CARLOS.

What thus takes up your attention?

FLORA.

A doubt I have.

CARLOS.

Do you entertain any doubts o [...] me?

FLORA.

Yes—Indeed I do.

CARLOS.

What are they?

FLORA.

I have been trying to put this bunc [...] of ribbons into a right form for my Lady's ha [...] and I hardly know how.

CARLOS.

Let me try.

She gives the ribbons.
FLORA.

Now ſhall I ſee by the dexterity whether it is a woman or not.

aſide
CARLOS.

There—I'll be hanged if I have no done it to a nicety.

Returns the ribbons.
FLORA.

'Tis a woman, pſhaw.

Aſide and ſighing
CARLOS.

Now I muſt beg a kiſs for my pain [...]

Kiſſes her.
FLORA.

No—it muſt be a man.

CARLOS.

My charming—

FLORA.
[23]

For Heaven's ſake go about your [...]ſineſs, for here comes a fellow-ſervant of [...]e.

CARLOS.

I am going into the grove, will you [...]e there preſently?

FLORA.

Yes—perhaps I may—only begone [...].

CARLOS.

But you'll come?

FLORA.

Yes—I think I will.

CARLOS.

I ſhall wait for you.

Exit.
Enter URSULA.
[...]RSULA.

So, Mrs. Flora, I give you joy of [...] new ſweetheart—For ſhame, for ſhame, I what paſſed.

[...]LORA.

Lord bleſs you—it is only a wo [...].

[...]RSULA.

A woman!

[...]LORA.

Aye, in mens' clothes, like the maſ [...] and ſo there could be no harm you know.

[...]RSULA.

I did not know the ſervant was a [...]an too!

[...]LORA.

Why, I am not ſure of it—but I [...]g it ſo when I let him kiſs me, and I thought [...]hen I promiſed to meet him in the grove— [...] will e'en go—for I dare ſay 'tis only a wo [...]

URSULA.
[24]

Aye, now I think of it again, I a [...] ſure it is not a man—Do you ſuppoſe a Lady i [...] diſguiſe, would take a man-ſervant to atten [...] her?

FLORA.

Very true; and I wiſh, Urſula, yo [...] would go inſtead of me to the grove, for I am ſ [...] buſy juſt at this time—

URSULA.

And yet old Jerome ſays, and I never knew Jerome miſtaken in my life, he ſays i [...] is a man—however, I am not afraid of him if i [...] is, and I will go inſtead of you.

FLORA.

No, Urſula—I will go after all— [...] if it ſhould prove a man, and he ſhould behav [...] rude to you, oh! my dear Urſula, I ſhould nev [...] be happy, that I did not take it all upon myſelf.

Exeunt ſeparate

SCENE II. A Parlour in the Caſtle.

The COUNTESS, the MARQUIS, and DO [...] ANTONIO diſcovered ſitting.
ANTONIO.

And ſo, my Lord, you once thoug [...] of the army—Do you think you ſhould ſta [...] your ground in a battle.

Laughing to himſelf.
MARQUIS.

Sir!

Surprized.
ANTONIO.
Aſide.

Damn me but ſhe ha [...] good leg.

COUNTESS.
[25]

Your Lordſhip ſeems formed for [...] ſervice of a ſofter Deity; an occupation leſs [...]lous than that of war.

[...]NTONIO.

Aye, that you do.

MARQUIS

Pardon me, Madam, the Deity you [...]de to, I fear may be yet more fatal, unleſs you [...] kindly fight on my ſide.

[...]NTONIO.

Ha, ha, ha, I can't help laughing [...]ink what a pretty ſoldier you would make— [...] look vaſtly like a ſolder to be ſure.—Ha, ha.

[...]ARQUIS.

Why not, Sir?

Angrily.
[...]NTONIO.

Nay, no offence—Damn me if I [...]ld not like to command a whole regiment of—and I would go upon ſome new atchieve [...]ts—For inſtance, ſay the enemy were Hot [...] [...]t [...]ts, I would undertake to poiſon them all by [...]ſcent of perfumes from my army—or in caſe [...] repulſe, would engage at any time to raiſe a [...] and eſcape purſuit, only by commanding [...]y man to ſhake his head, and diſcharge the [...]der.

MARQUIS.

Upon my word, Sir, you are very [...]ant.

Forcing a ſmile.
[...]NTONIO.

I am very glad your Lordſhip thinks [...]

[26] Enter SERVANT.
SERVANT.
To Antonio.

Sir, you are wanted by a gentleman in the parlour.

ANTONIO.

Pſhaw—I'm buſy—Who is it?—

Servant whiſpers.

Well then I muſt com [...]

Exit Servant.

My Lord I take my leave for [...] minute, but I ſhall ſoon be back.

Aſide.

H [...] like a man ſhe looks—Impudent huſſey,

Ex [...]
MARQUIS.

Your uncle's behaviour, Mada [...] has ſomething in it rather extraordinary—I hop [...] I have not in any means offended him?

COUNTESS.

I can conceal my knowledge [...] her no longer,

Aſide.

Oh no, my dear, [...] at all.

MARQUIS.

My dear!

Aſide.
COUNTESS.

I declare I like you ſo well— [...] much better than I expected—I can no long [...] treat you with cold reſerve—Come ſit dow [...]

They ſi [...]
MARQUIS.

How kind is this!

Drawing [...] chair near to her.
COUNTESS.
Looking at him from head to fo [...]

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I proteſt I can't help laug [...] ing—Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

MARQUIS.

Ha, ha, ha, ha—I proteſt [...] more can I—Sure fate directed me to this heav [...] [27] [...]pot, where ceremony has no ſhare in polite [...]

COUNTESS.

And did you ſuppoſe I ſhould uſe [...] ceremony with ſuch a ſweet, ſweet fellow as [...]?

MARQUIS.

Egad, I'll uſe no ceremony either.

[...]ide.

Thus, on my knees, let me pour my [...]ks.

COUNTESS.

Oh you artful creature!

Stroking [...]heek.
MARQUIS.

Art! I diſclaim it—and ſo do you. [...]ou are all pure nature.

COUNTESS.

Well, I poſitively do think you [...] of the clevereſt of your whole ſex.

MARQUIS.

Thank you—Thank you—my [...] creature-

Kiſſing her hand.
[...]OUNTESS.

So negligent—ſo eaſy—not the [...] awkward or embarraſſed!

MARQUIS.

Egad, I think you as little embar [...]ed to the full.

Aſide.

My dear Madam, [...] charming ſociety has inſpired me.

Salutes [...]
[...]OUNTESS.

Now, if you were really a man, [...]t would you deſerve for that?

MARQUIS.

Madam!

Aſtoniſhed.
COUNTESS.
[28]

I ſay, if you were really a m [...] what would you deſerve for that freedom?

MARQUIS.

Really a man! Why?—What? Don't I look like a man?

COUNTESS.

Yes—that you do—and a [...] pretty man—Come, come, don't be frightened ſhake hands—I forgive you—forgive you all [...] impertinence—and, carry the jeſt as far as [...] will, I am reſolved not to be angry.

MARQUIS.

I am very much obliged to you infinitely obliged to you—I aſſure you this fav [...]—this honour.—I don't know what to ſay— [...] abſolutely puts me out of countenance.

Aſi [...]
COUNTESS.

What confuſed?—Come, [...] your gaiety—Come, come—

MARQUIS.

Come, come, then.

ſeizing [...]
Enter DON ANTONIO.
ANTONIO.

Hah!—What! Struggling?

COUNTESS.

Oh, Uncle, I have been ſo [...] uſed by this Gentleman, that I muſt beg you [...] reſent his behaviour.

MARQUIS.

How!

ANTONIO.

Certainly, my dear, if you have [...] uſed ill.

COUNTESS.
[29]

Moſt ſcandalouſly—Frighten her a [...]le.

Aſide to Antonio.
MARQUIS.

Upon my honour, Sir—

ANTONIO.

Zounds, Sir, my niece is one of the [...]ſt reſerved, prudent young women—and who [...] [...]ver offers an inſult to her, it is my place, and [...]ſiſtent but with my honour, to reſent it.—How [...]ite ſhe looks.

Aſide.
MARQUIS.

Sir, I ſhall not draw my ſword be [...] [...]e the Counteſs, and therefore I beg you will [...] up your's.

ANTONIO.

And ſo I will, my poor Lady—I [...] it has frightened you—Here, Niece, have you [...] hartſhorn or drops at hand—the poor thing [...]errified out of her life. Come, come, my poor [...]e creature—Poor thing—Poor rogue.

He [...] up to ſooth him, and the Marquis gives him a [...].
MARQUIS.

Don Antonio, this inſolence ſhall [...]ive the correction it deſerves.

Draws.
COUNTESS.

She is not in earneſt, ſure.

Aſide.
ANTONIO.

I have received many a blow from [...]ady, but never ſuch a one as this!

MARQUIS.

Do you dare to call me a Lady [...]n, Sir?

ANTONIO.
[30]

A Lady, oh no—you are a tyge [...] a fury—

MARQUIS.

I never met with ſuch uſage!—Damnation!

ANTONIO.

What a profligate ſhe is! I d [...] not think ſuch a word could come out of a woman mouth!

MARQUIS.

How, Sir!—Dare to ſay that aga [...] and I'll nail you to the wall.

ANTONIO.
Retreating.

Why, what [...] this about? I won't fight—I only drew [...] to frighten you.

MARQUIS.

To frighten me!—Did you [...] was to be frightened?

ANTONIO.

Why not? You ſee I am.

MARQUIS.

Yes, I ſee, and ſcorn you for it.

COUNTESS.

Why, Uncle, the tables are fa [...] turned upon you.

ANTONIO.

Yes, Niece, and I'm much oblig [...] to you, for your advice in the buſineſs—But [...] may depend upon it, I ſhall take care h [...]w attempt to frighten one of your ſex again.

Going.
MARQIUS.

Come back, Sir, I inſiſt upon yo [...] coming back, and recalling what you have ſa [...]d [31] [...]iſt upon your begging me pardon for your im [...] [...]inent inſinuation.—

[...]NTONIO.

What inſinuation?—That I think [...] a female?—I am ſure there is no offence [...]nt in that—for, when I ſuppoſe you a wo [...] [...], I ſuppoſe you what I like better than any [...] [...]g in the world; what I am never happy with [...] [...] and what I even make myſelf poor, de [...] [...]ed, and ridiculous, in the daily purſuit of.

MARQUIS.

And pray, Sir, in what, do I ap [...] [...] like a woman?

[...]NTONIO.

And pray, Sir, in what, does any [...]our modern coxcombs appear like a man? [...] yet they don't ſcruple to call themſelves [...].

MARQUIS.

Then you will not recall your [...]iments and beg my pardon?

[...]NTONIO.

Beg your pardon?—No—Yes, yes [...]ut on your petticoats, and I'll fall at your feet [...]oon as you pleaſe.—

MARQUIS.

I'll bear this no longer—Draw.

Marquis draws.
[...]NTONIO.

Here Jerome, Jerome, come and [...]end me, where it would be a diſhonour to de [...] [...] myſelf.

[32] Enter JEROME.
ANTONIO.

See, Jerome, how my life is a [...] ſailed.

JEROME.

Aye, your Honour, I always tol [...] you the women would be the death of you [...] laſt.

MARQUIS.

You too, raſcal!—

JEROME.

Well, I declare with her ſword i [...] her hand, ſhe is as fine a creature as ever I ſaw!—Oh you audacious minx.

MARQUIS.

Scoundrel—

JEROME.

Sure, your Honour, ſhe muſt be t [...] Maid of Orleans.

MARQUIS.

I am no maid, Sir.

JEROME.

I am ſorry for your misfortune.

MARQUIS.

Don Antonio, this treatment [...] ſuppoſe you inflict as a juſt recompence for [...] preſumption in daring to hope for an alliance [...] your family, ſpite of the prejudice which I kn [...] the Counteſs had conceived—I cannot deny t [...] juſtice of the accuſation—I came into he ho [...] with the vain hope—

COUNTESS.

By no means vain—I am ready [...] comply, be your hopes what they will.

MARQUIS.
[33]

Can I believe what you ſay real?

COUNTESS.

Certainly—Were you going to ſay [...] hoped to marry me? If you were, call the [...]eſt, and we'll be married immediately.

ANTONIO.

Aye, if that is what your Lord [...]p wants, the Prieſt ſhall tack you together in [...] minutes.

MARQUIS.

This ſudden conſent ſtaggers me— [...] was not prepared for it—one likes a little pre [...]ation before marriage as well as before death.

Aſide.
COUNTESS.

What! you are caſt down— [...]med—want to recant—but I won't let you— [...] ſhall marry me—I inſiſt upon it.

MARQUIS.

What, directly?

COUNTESS.

Yes, directly—I am in a hurry.

MARQUIS.

I believe this is mere trifling— [...]ar you will marry me

COUNTESS.

I do ſwear.

MARQUIS.

You are witneſs to the oath.

ANTONIO AND JEROME.

We are witneſs.

[...] SERVANT with DONNA ISABELLA veiled.
[...]ERVANT.

A Lady, Madam, who ſays ſhe is [...] to the Marquis.

COUNTESS.
[34]

Has the Marquis more ſiſters th [...] one?

MARQUIS.

No.

ANTONIO.

Then this, I ſuppoſe, is your br [...] ther?

JEROME.

Aye, in womens' clothes—O de [...] another fine ſight!

COUNTESS.

Oh Heavens, if it is a man, ta [...] him out of the room or I ſhall faint.

MARQUIS.

Siſter Iſabella, when I ſhall rela [...] to you the ſtrange reception I have met with [...] this houſe, you will be amazed—but I think y [...] will ſincerely rejoice at the final event of my vi [...] when I tell you it is a ſolemn promiſe from t [...] Lady to become my wife.

ISABEL.

I give you joy moſt unfeigned

Pulls off her vei [...]
COUNTESS.

It is a woman.

ANTONIO.

Aye, that it is—Madam, let me [...] you welcome to the caſtle.

Goes and ſalutes [...]
COUNTESS.
To the Marquis.

Why, [...] are you—

After trembling as if much terrified

[...] you a woman?

ISABEL.

Counteſs, I knew you never wo [...] have conſented to have ſeen the Marquis, had [...] been introduced into the houſe as a man, therei [...] I formed this ſtratagem, unknown to him, [...] to bring you together.

MARQUIS.
[35]
To the Counteſs.

Do not droop, [...] deareſt wife.

COUNTESS.

And are you really the Marquis? [...]at a ſtrange blunder have I made!

MARQUIS.

I am the Marquis—and it ſhall be [...] future care to baniſh for ever from your me [...] [...]y, the recollection of that marriage which has [...]n the ſource of ſo much woe to you.

ANTONIO.

Donna Iſabella, we are all infinite [...] [...]bliged to you for this ſtratagem, by which you [...]e induced the Counteſs, innocently to break a [...], which ſhe could not have kept without draw [...] [...] upon herſelf both ridicule and melancholy— [...] dear Niece, depend upon it, there is but one [...] a woman is authorized to take.

COUNTESS.

And what vow is that one Uncle?

ANTONIO.

A vow to LOVE, HONOUR and OBEY.

Exeunt omnes.
THE END.

Appendix A Juſt publiſhed, by G. G. J. and J. ROBINSON

[]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT A COMEDY, in FIVE ACTS, As performed at the Theatre-Royal in the Hay-Mar [...] By Mrs. INCHBALD. Price One Shilling and Sixpence,

APPEARANCE IS AGAINST THEM A FARCE, Price One Shilling, By the ſame AUTHOR.

ALSO, DUPLICITY, AND THE FOLLIES OF A DAY COMEDIES; THE NOBLE PEASAN [...] AND THE CHOLERIC FATHERS OPERAS, By THOMAS HOLCROFT; Price One Shilling and Sixpence each.

LIKEWISE, THE SCOTTISH VILLAGE; PITCAIRN-GREEN, A POEM, By Mrs. COWLEY, Price Two Shillings.

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